#my moms fucking depressed and she has scoliosis and shes always in pain and shes always in a bad mood now and she never wants to do anything | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kais-room · 2 years

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(READ AT YOUR OWN RISK: LOTS OF TRAUMA TALK, MENTAL HEALTH, DR🤟🏽GS, REALIZATIONS, D💀ATH, & MORE)

✨💢-my mind✨

✨{ALL CAPS}-my realizations✨

✨(lower case)-just thoughts..✨

💢It wasn't fair (I hate this so much..I feel so... trapped all the time..like literally no one ever gets me no matter how many times I explain it or say it in a different way.) {LIFE ISN'T FAIR FOR ANYONE ELSE EITHER}

💢My life was hard.(i don't know..like I just feel like a literal bomb and it's only a matter of time..till I snap🫰){ EVERYONE'S LIFE IS HARD OR BUT ITS NOT OVER, KEEP PUSHING!!}

💢I have trauma (wow and boy does it run deep...there so much..like seriously so much..I'm terrified of life..of trying to live..im scared..)

💢I have PTSD/CPTSD anxiety, depression, social anxiety, ADHD, possibly autism (which I've talked about in other post), paranoia. ( )

💢I was raised by a bipolar mother who was also a narcissist, who never knew she was bipolar until my middle/late teens.( )

💢She hit me...a lot. ( )

💢She yelled at me all the time.( )

💢I got accused of things no child should ever be accused of.( )

💢I got my things pawned and sold with the promise of seeing them again but that never happened.( )

💢We had fun times? Yes! Why of course,she's still my mommy after all..but yet those memories are cloudy and covered by all the painful ones.( )

💢She was the cool mom, the fun mom, but it was ALWAYS she is the PARENT and I'm the CHILD! ( )

💢I love you, I hate you. You're my fucking mom!!! so...why? Just thinking about things hurts, I cry a lot not just about you but about EVERYTHING...and there's so much...so much in my mind...( )

💢No one was there for me, ALWAYS using me.( )

💢I was always the backup friend, the last thought, no one really noticed if I just slid away.( )

💢The weird kid.( )

💢Childhood stolen, memories terrifying...some good but those are slowly slipping away.( )

💢My body is in CONSTANT pain, I try not to ever say anything about it, except when it gets extremely bad.( )

💢I have a recurring pilonidal cyst, been coming back for the past 4 years.(coming back now...oh fuck)

💢My back aches and throbs at times..it hurts. (my back has a hunch and I have been told by a doctor I have scoliosis and you and feel the curve of my spine.)💢My neck aches.( )

💢My shoulders are ALWAYS tense, yet again so is my jaw..(i blame stress and anxiety! 😬)

💢At times my joints get stiff and pop, my muscles are sore.(I HAVE A WEAK BODY)

💢I have weird mucus in my lungs (I think I smoke too much...)

💢I used to and technically still do have an ED. ( )

💢My best friend was a boy 3 years older than me when I was 10 years old ...( )

💢 .( )💢 .( )💢 .( )

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lordiavoloremade · 3 years

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god if there ever was a fucking week to kill myself this surely woul dbe the one!

#literally fucking everything has been terrible.#my moms fucking depressed and she has scoliosis and shes always in pain and shes always in a bad mood now and she never wants to do anything #even when shes in a good mood because shes always in pain and she takes it out on me and my dad and its just been miserable since 2015 when #she tried to kill herself in front of me and my dad over spring break #and then the period of time between 2017-2019 i had to deal with my abusive relationship and about every other month she would have another #depressive episode stop taking her medicine then she would get physically violent with my father and throw things at him and would tryt to #kill herself or say she was d***ng in front of me and that was after my first mental breakdown ehere i was crying every day for 3 years #straight because my life was such a fucking hellscape and me and t**** had at one point a suicide pact because of how bad everything was #getting and finally when things were normal again he broke up with me in front of the whole school on graduation morning and i cried all day #while he just laughed and had fun with his friends like nothing had happened while i could hear him all day long and then he apologized #like 2 hours after we left school and i took him back before the graduation ceremony part and just these last fucking 6 years have been a #fucking hellscape i lost my uncle then i lost my favorite uncle then i lost my fucking grandma and i had to deal with an emotionally manipu #lative piece of fucking shit for 3 of those years who ostrocized me from my friends and now i cant fucking remember the last 6 years for shi #shit and finally when things were looking up now i was a fucking idiot and overwrote my fucking phone back up and now its saying it has not #enough memory on the device to restore it which doesnt make any sense its the same phone and i just want to fucking #cry and i cant because i cant upset my mom because if i do shes going to get worse so i have to hold evverything in and i #cant leave the house ebcause i cant work i cant do anything my only option is to kill my self thats all i can see anymore the #world is burning i dont have anyone close to me anymore the last time i let anyone in was t**** and im never going to let anyone #in again because of how he hurt me and used everything against me and ive ruined my life ive made tooo many unforgiveable mistakes i will #never be able to take back i just want to die and go up to my inner world / afterlife where i can hug lucifer and asra and mammon and every #one i love is there and were all happy and no one hates eachother its just like how it was when i was young and everyone was there and no on #e had died yet or got sick or any thing i just want thth ab ack why does everything hve to change every year i lose antoher person i cant fu #kcking take it anymore ij ust want t odie and go to my afterlife i m of no use here i make no one happy everyone hates me #my mom and dad are dissapointed in me they dont want me around anyore because all i do is cause conflict and waste money im just a fucking b #urden and no one can tell me other wise because i shut out everyone else and now i only trust myself and my own opinions i odnt see anyone o #n my level anymore i havent had a friend since i was 15 that was the last time i let anyone in who actually cared about me #and wasnt just there to use me for my parents money or generosityy or anything else #i dont have anyone all i have is my f/os and my cats who love me thats it #go forward link #suicide /

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purplesurveys · 5 years

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424

A health survey. Must be fun.

What health problems do you have right now? Well my back is a bitch 24/7; my joints hurt when it gets cold; I have scoliosis; and mentally speaking I’m not very stable either. I sound 60. Are you in chronic pain? Never been diagnosed with such, no. What do you take medications for? I don’t. I probably need to, but the state of mental health care in the Philippines is just so inaccessible: it’s expensive, available services are few and far between, and anyone younger than 21 needs to get written consent from their parents, which can be difficult if someone’s parents don’t actually believe in mental health issues. There is a lot of work to be done. What are some health issues you have had in the past? My lactose intolerance was a problem when I was an infant. My family didn’t know I had it, so they kept panicking when I would just poop out all the milk they fed me all day and when my stomach would end up storing nothing. It got critical and I had to be sent to the hospital, but it turned out well after. Do you have allergies? Nope. Free to eat and be in contact with anything.

If so, what are you allergic to? Have you ever been to an allergist? No, never had to. Have you ever been to the ER? Mmm nope, never been in an emergency situation. Have you ever been treated poorly in the ER? Have you ever been told your symptoms were anxiety, when they weren't? I haven’t been tested for that. When I was doing my health exam for university though, they did review my mental health and suspected me of having depression, but they didn’t declare symptoms or formally diagnose me or anything. What is the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? Probably scraping and kicking my feet against coral reefs when I went snorkeling back in ‘09. I had no flippers and I was panicking (I wasn’t used to using the snorkeling mask to breathe) so I was thrashing my legs around in the water. I knew I was hitting the coral reefs and they were fucking sharp, but I was panicking so I powered through even though it meant I had to hit them every time I kicked. It was painful while I was swimming and even more painful in the weeks that followed. It was the worst infected wound I’ve ever had. Just imagine kicking a razor-sharp boulder with your bare feet. How many surgeries have you had? Zero. I hope I never need any, the thought of surgery terrifies me. What types of surgery have you had? Have you always recovered well from surgery? Have you ever been treated poorly by a doctor? YES!!! The ones in my university’s health service are horrible. Case in point, my health exam for admission to UP: I know it’s part of a doctor’s job, but the doctor assigned to me back then touched my breasts very hastily to check for suspicious bumps. It would have helped tons if 1) she gave me a heads-up beforehand and 2) asked permission, but this lady just told me to lie down and went ahead to stick her hand under my shirt. As someone who had only been fresh out of Catholic school at that point, it was the perfect opportunity to panic. Same doctor was the one who suspected I was depressed after reviewing my mental health form, but instead of being helpful she DEMANDED reasons why I felt that way. I was already uncomfortable with the boob incident by then and was too stunned to speak, so I just kept saying I was fine and that I was mentally stable. In reality I just wanted to get out from that nasty old bitch. Have you ever had a doctor tried to kill you? Oh well that’s just taking it a million times further. No. Is your primary care doctor a man or a woman? I don’t have one. Have you had the same primary care doctor your whole life? We don’t have a family doctor. Are you happy with your current doctor? Have you ever seen a specialist for anything? X-ray technicians. I had trips to see them the most when we found out I had scoliosis. What is the most itchiest thing you have ever experienced? I had weird rashes on my legs one time in high school, and since I was stubborn I kept scratching them until they turned into nasty black and blue wounds/bruises and cuts. I still have no idea where they came from. Have you ever had a severe itch, that you'd rate a 10? ^ That. On a scale of 1-10, what's the worst physical pain you've ever been in? The coral reef incident is an easy 20. Have you ever passed out from pain? Noooooo. Passing out from pain is one of my greatest fears. I avoid encountering anything painful as much as I can just because I’m scared of the thought of passing out because of pain. Have you ever thrown up from pain? Nope. Just from drinking and expired barbecue lmfao. Do you have any food intolerances? If so, to what? It’s not official, but I hate fruits. Like, I can immediately tell if something has fruit in it and I will spit it out accordingly. That and raisins. Do you have any food sensitivities? If so, to what? Nope. What medications are you allergic to? Do you have acne? A small pimple shows up every now and then (mostly when I’m stressed or if my face gets oily) but it’s never been a full-on breakout. I’ve been lucky when it comes to acne. Do you take birth control pills? I don’t. I want to take them just because I heard it makes your breasts get bigger hahahahahaha but Gab is adamant about not letting me take them. Are your hormones screwed up? Mm no, they’re not that bad. Obviously they act up when I’m nearing or on my period e.g. cravings, crying all the time, being sensitive about everything, but not to the point that my period is irregular or gives me severe dysmenorrhea. Do you have bad withdrawals from medications? I don’t take meds to begin with. What are some withdrawal symptoms you've had? What are some bad side effects of medications that you've had? Have you ever gained weight from a medication? If so, how much? Have you ever had to take Prednisone? Never even heard of it. If so, did it make you gain weight and make your face puff up? Looks like I’m skipping lots of questions. How many hours a sleep do you need? Don’t adults need 8 hours, in general? How many hours a sleep do you get? I try to make it to 8, but I’ve been really busy for this semester that it ends up being 5-7 hours instead. Do you exercise enough? I don’t at all, haaaaaaaaaaah. Do you eat healthy? I do like vegetables and will happily eat salads and sandwiches with veggies packed in them, but I tend to balance it out with grossly unhealthy food anyway, so you decide if this still counts as healthy. Are you on a special diet for your health? No, I don’t think I need to be. Are you trying to lose weight or gain weight? Gain, which I’m on the way to doing. I’m a little chubbier now compared to high school. Are you a healthy weight? I’m 90 lbs. the last time I checked. Relative to my height, that’s underweight. Are you happy with your weight? Sure, but gaining a few pounds wouldn’t hurt either. How often do you wash your hair? Everyday if I’m in school; every other day if I’m on summer break. Do you take showers or baths? Showers. How often do you shower or bathe? ^ Same thing. Do you take vitamins? If so, which ones? I used to take two vitamin syrups everyday when I was younger: one for vitamin C and the other to help me grow taller. When I got a little older my mom changed our usual syrups to these cute vitamin C gummy bears, then after a while I just stopped taking. What bones have you broken? Haven’t broken any, fortunately. What's the worst physical injury you've had? Aside from my icky foot infection, I had a bad fall in school a few months ago and my ankle got sprained pretty bad. I don’t think I gave it A+ treatment so it never really fully healed. I know this because the same foot still hurts whenever it’s in an odd position or when I shift too much of my weight on it. Do you have sensitive skin? Yes. It eventually gets itchy when my skin is out in the open. In high school, I often had a hard time walking from point A to B because my skin would always get irritated, but I couldn’t scratch it because I was wearing a skirt. What chemicals make you sick? Toxic ones, I would assume? Haha. What time of year do you usually get sick? I never get sick. What's the highest fever you've ever had? 40ºC. It was a dengue scare. Have you ever had the flu? Sure, a few times here and there. Have you ever had bronchitis? Nope. Have you ever had an ear infection? I don’t remember having one. Do you snore? Only when I’m so tired that I’m 130% passed out. What pain reliever do you use for cramps? My menstrual cramps never get that bad. If you're female, what symptoms do you get when on your period? My pelvis area and legs hurt; I cry over everything; I’m sensitive when people are angry; I will essentially take everything personally; my cravings either change every 5 minutes or I just want one food and I will murder to get such craving; I get very poopy; and sometimes I’ll get very drowsy. Do you have regular periods? Pretty much, yes. Sometimes they’ll be a few days early or late but very rarely does it go completely irregular. Are you afraid of shots? Deathly afraid. Like I would do everything to avoid having to take them. Have you ever donated blood? No. Even if I wanted to, I’m not allowed to (underweight). Plus you have to be pricked for that, which is a Huge No-No for me. Do you do well with shots? If I absolutely have to have a shot, I can manage albeit with a lot of fidgeting. What I’m terrible with is IV. I had a huge meltdown the one and only time I needed to have a needle injected onto my wrist. I was a 12 year old grown ass person thrashing around in the hospital room lol. What x-rays have you had? Just my spine. Have you ever gotten a pill or a piece of food stuck in your throat? Pill-stuck-in-throat sensation happens sometimes, but it’s never been anything serious. What method of birth control do you use, if applicable? Do you take birth control to control hormones, or to prevent pregnancy? As mentioned, I don’t take it. How often does your hair need to be washed? I don’t know about need, but I wash it everyday or every other day so that it doesn’t get oily, which feels irritating. What do you keep on hand for emergencies? I don’t really keep stuff for emergency, just money hahaha. Have you ever had a severe allergic reaction? Nopes. If so, what were your symptoms? Have you ever used an epi pen? I have not. Have you ever been to the ER for a severe allergic reaction? Negative. What's the worst burn you've ever had? When I was 7, I wanted to do something daring so I touched a clothes iron that was plugged in and was in use (by my grandma, but she left to attend to something at the time). My index finger rightfully had a tiny blister for the next two weeks. My dumbass definitely deserved it. What's the worst allergic reaction you've ever had? No allergies. Have you had any health-related embarrassing moments? I don’t think anything bad enough has happened yet. If so, what happened? (if you want to share) Do you use tampons or pads? Pads. I’m scared of tampons. Do you sweat a lot? I don’t, actually. I drink a lot of water, but I guess I just don’t sweat much. Do you get nosebleeds? I’ve never experienced a nosebleed and am also too scared to get one. Do you get motion sickness? Pretty easily, especially if I’m riding an unfamiliar car. Do you have acne? I get a pimple every now and then but it’s not a big issue. Do you have scars? Sure. There’s one on my fourth right toe and the other one on my left eyebrow. What are some of your scars from? Toe scar is from when my toes got stuck in my bike’s blades (something like that, anyway); eyebrow scar is from a stupid cousin smashing a small glass bottle towards my face. Do you have a birthmark? If so, what color is it? I have a brown one behind my left shoulder. I also have one near my elbow; it used to be blue/green but now it’s a faint black-ish shade. What makes your eyes itch? Uh, dirt? I also know if I’ve been spending too much time in front of the computer when my eyes start feeling irritated. That’s usually my signal to go to bed or to have a break. Are you ticklish? Very. I can’t be tickled on any part of my body. Do you have a sweet tooth? I have my moods, but overly sweet food isn’t really a favorite of mine. Do you ever crave chocolate? Never, actually. I can crave sweet stuff like brownies and cookies, but never chocolate bars. Do you ever crave cheese? No. Lactose intolerance makes me wary of cheese so I never really ~crave it. What else, if anything, do you get cravings for? I usually crave for cuisines in general or specific restaurants. Do you drink enough water? Yeah I’m pretty sure I do. Do you comfort eat when stressed? It varies. Sometimes I’ll rely on eating, but other times I’ll lose my appetite and wouldn’t want to be anywhere near food. How old were you when you started your period? I was 9 but was about to turn 10. How old were you when you started going through puberty? I am guessing the same age when I had my period, but everything sped up only when I was 10/11. What was the first sign of puberty for you? ...My period? Did your hair change when you went through puberty? Hair started to grow in places, but as for changes, not really. At what time of day do you normally feel your best? I don’t really keep track lol. Are you naturally optimistic or pessimistic? Um both, depending on my mood for the day. It never stays constant. Are you naturally energetic? I’m naturally un-energetic. Looking at extroverts exhausts me. Does your mind wander a lot? Only when I’m bored at something, like in a certain class. I can generally focus well. Do you know your blood type? I don’t actually hah. Have you ever been taken to the hospital against your will? Nope. Any final thoughts? Cool survey. It’s different.

#survey #surveys

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martialhaze · 7 years

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I have been trying. It’s not the easiest thing to do. Back in August I decided it was time for help. I fucked up a lot. I called it the beginning of the end, I wanted more for my kids. I needed the help. So, I went to AADAC, Had a conversation with a coucillor that I was referred to by Lives In Transition (LiT) and I talked about everything. Well, I tried to anyway, I guess my life has been a series of perpetual misfires and screw ups. After all, only so much can be said in an hour, and boy did I try! Growing up, I didn’t know much about alcohol or drugs. I was raised with the mentality that needing "AA" is what people do when they run from a specific life event. Higher power, yes, I get you... Just don't be a meanie if I I'm not, 'yay, the lort!' Because, people have so many problems, I'd rather talk to them and let them know I care and I'm there. Then do all I can to make sure I never here, specifically, their story again. I really had no need to run away from life until I became a preteen and my childish innocence was taken from me. It was one of the harder reality checks in my life. (Threw me into happy drugs but, that is a story I won't say for now because, I'm talking about booze.) After all, my mom kept us pretty safe and away from the alcohol my dad was very accustomed to drinking. Nowadays, I want the same for my children. Its the quitting thing that has me stumped. I’ll go weeks and weeks without booze... mostly because I’m feeling happy and less stressed than I had been. When I took the parenting course offered at AADAC I would feel so energized and I credit me taking that class and talking to someone about my inner turmoil for my happy moments during that time. I was afraid, I am still afraid. I didn’t think I’d grow up to be an addict (serious though I smoke weed, and with a medical prescription for the scoliosis pain I'd be okay. All I'd take is a pill every week that only hits the problematic vertebrae), to me what is worse is, I. Am. An. Alcoholic.... I was raised in a good home. Sure, my dad had his issues but when he was out on a bender he stayed away from the house out of respect for us being children. And, children do not need to grow up in a home where alcohol lives. Mostly, because my mom is a boss and no matter what stood her ground until the fateful day she and princess Diana, coincidentally, wound up in car accidents. I did not lose my mom, but, since then... We lost something. I don't know what... She had always said no, until, he had to say, no too. It took time. A heart attack, my mother is so patient... Finally, the man she married was there. He is there but, i guess my mom likes her men a little wicked. :) Yet... I feel like a terrible parent because I let my addiction get the best of me. Around the time I decided to change and work on getting sober. Child Family Services (CFS) came into my life. I guess it was a matter of time. I called the police because I felt threatened by my brother. He eventually went for a walk and I waited to tell the police that he had left. It took them nearly two hours to respond. By that time my brother had returned and he fell asleep. Then as I was going to bed they showed up. I tried to tell them everything was good and calm now but they didn’t listen and proceeded to wake everyone up. Yes, I had been drinking, my son was sleeping, my brother was sleeping, I was about to go to bed. Needless to say, I think they thought of me as the threat and my son and I wound up being taken away to my ex-sister-in-law’s place. This began for me... what I would call... The fucked up things I did while being BFF’s with an ex-in-law. Maybe, I’m just naturally messed in the head but, I did those things. I chose to do them. I don’t even regret doing a thing. I think the way I feel about life in general played a huge roll in my decisions at the time. I had lost all motivation and was very depressed. I still am. I guess I’ll contine at some later time. Have a good day.

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