#my parents are pessimists who spend every conversation talking about how bad everything in the world is
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Tag Game: Get To Know The Mun
Answer the questions below and tag 11 people you want to know better!
The post was kind of long so I am answering in a new one. Thank you @sweet-strawberry-blog for the tag. ^^
1. What do you prefer to be called name wise?
Honestly, no idea. My name is Maria and that’s how everyone calls me. I don’t like my name nor any of its variations so I just go with it.
2. When is your birthday?
Not telling. :3
3. Where do you live? (You don’t have to give a city, you can give the state if you’re USA or country if you are overseas)
I live in Greece.
4. Three things you are doing right now?
Answering these questions while having ihascupquake playing on youtube on the background. I don’t do anything else. ^^’
5. Four fandoms that have your peak interest right now?
Visual kei & Danganronpa. Nth else at the moment.
6. How has this pandemic been treating you?
I am fine, I am staying inside and all but most people don’t so I am afraid it will get worse soon and like Italy we’ll lose many people. Especially since summer is here, the quarantine days are lifted and every idiot who was looking forward to vacation is going to come here cause partying in Mykonos is more important than everyone’s health, obviously. I worry about my mother cause the pandemic has made things harder for her and her health and she couldn’t visit doctors etc, but well...(it’s not corona, it’s other things but now i am worried about that too).
7. A song that you can’t stop listening to right now?
Any Halsey song really.
8. Recommend a movie:
Oh I am bad at this, I am more of a music person xD. I have watched so many films ever since I was a kid that new ones don’t impress me easily and I rarely watch new stuff. If you don’t mind about when it was made though, I’d suggest the Addams Family movies. It’s cute, it’s fun, I love it. For horror films I’d say the basics, like Saw, Silent Hill, even REPO! The Genetic Opera if you are into musicals too. Other movies, well I like Charlie’s Angels (not the most recent one, it’s awful in my opinion), any Tim Burton film, I love them. What else? I think it’s enough.
9. How old are you?
26. Though I am acting like a 16-18 year old most times and when we get to deep conversations I might sound like an old lady about some things.
10. School, University, Occupation, Other?
I guess I will die locked up in the hell that my informatics uni is. I absolutely hate it and I wish to drop it, but unless I get a job, I am having severe fears to do it, to announce it to my parents, since I am living with them, I got to be doing sth with my life you know? I am a loser, not much to be said. I am also studying Japanese, I am good at this, dunno if it’s good enough to pass the proficiency tests but it’s the only thing that’s moving forward in my life and I am holding on to it tight. I don’t have a job but I like considering myself an artist. I do photomanips and can edit videos (though I haven’t touched the latter in a long time). Generally graphics and stuff I can do but where to find a job for that in a country like mine that still lives centuries behind most countries and is mostly conservative as fuck. :D
11. Do you prefer heat or cold?
Cold. Always cold.
12. Name one fact about you that others may find unusual?
Well I am generally considered unusual here, due to my opinions, beliefs, tastes etc. People from other countries I am talking with seem to find me way more normal than Greek people, I don’t know. I guess being straight and supporting LGBTQ+ people is crazy here. Liking horror is crazy if you invest yourself to it past watching movies for the scares (like, people have asked me why i like it so much if I don’t get scared and I am like “aesthetic xD“). I like very revealing clothes too (never wear them though cause i hate myself and also hate people’s attention) which many people find extreme here....what else. Oh and I loooove guys putting on makeup and having long beautiful hair ever since I was a little shit. These things are very unusual here for some reason. The question asked one fact I know but I feel like ranting so here you go xD.
13. Are you shy?
Yes, but it doesn’t always show. (luckily) And I hate it cause it deprives me of many opportunities. Being shy i mean, not its not showing.
14. Do you have preferred pronouns?
She/Her
15. Biggest Pet Peeve?
Lies, ungratefulness, being late repeatedly, cheating on people, girls ignoring their friends to spend more time with boyfriend (find a middle ground or bye bitch xD)
16. What is your favorite “dere” type?
Yandere. Dunno why. Maybe because I am leaning more towards Tsundere myself. I tend to like crazy people. Though I don’t think I would be able to deal with Yandere people in real life.
17. Rate your life 1-10, 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best it could ever be.
Taking into consideration my health is generally good, that I have my basic necessities met, my mother is still around and I have access to a lot of music I’d say 4-5. But only due to these. I most definitely hate my life and don’t really want to be alive but I can’t be ungrateful and say that I don’t have those very basic things. I am grateful I have a roof above my head, food to eat, a mother who cares and lots of music to listen to.
18. What is your main blog?
The one I am answering this from.
19. List your side blogs and what they are used for.
I have around 15 locked blogs I never finished xD. Aaaall of them fanpages besides one I have for the graphics I use in my blogs and one for promoting a story I am writing. The open ones are REIGN’s fanpage @club-reign , the Valentine’s fanpage (which also has a couple of ex bands of the members) @fi-ance-trust-thevalentine both of which are mainly inactive and act as archived blogs for any fans who get to like these bands after their disband and for old fans to have sth to remember. My writeblr is @dotr-rose-love . Everything else is locked.
20. Is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?
I am a very pessimistic person who might go over and over the same subject if you ask to listen to me. So if you feel drained by people being sad about the same things often, don’t ask me to open up to you :P. We can talk with just you opening up ^^. Other than that I am a good listener but if we are not veeery close, I might not always be as responsive as you’d like me to be or as warm. I need time to show warmth. I am an open book about other things but yeah. And if we don’t click easily it might literally take years xD. I am fine with simple chats too just not too much small talk cause I suck at this. xD At some point you might feel like oh she doesn’t want to talk to me, but honestly it’s me having no idea what else to add. I’d rather us get straight to a deep conversation or sth xD. Sometimes I might also not have the energy to speak to anyone so I might take a day or two to reply, but definitely not a month. Oh and since this is a big theme I had an issue about before, I am pro-choice, so if we speak of love and you start trying to tell me to change my mind, you will most likely have me barking and in a really bad way.
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Man, your overall pessimism really makes me want to stay away from this blog. I can’t believe you can’t post a single thing without it being about how you suck or how everyone around you hates you. If you don’t enjoy this why even do it?
Then stay away ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Just go away if it gets to you that much. Really, it’s not that hard.
If you don’t enjoy being here why even send that ask telling me you don’t like being around here?
Or maybe it’s because you enjoy actually coming around here and sending me stuff and interacting with me, and seeing me post the stuff that I do bothers you because you expect more of me and want more out of me, you know, something I expect out of myself too.
Maybe the person you’re telling is so pessimistic is really trying his best to work on the confidence issue that’s plagued him basically his entire life, but everyone has a bad streak every now and then when the chemical imbalance in your brain really hits you and your head gets all fuzzy and you start feeling like you’re gonna vomit because you just want that feeling to go away.
And maybe it’s amplified by the feelings of loneliness that have been plaguing you for months, and how people most recently have:
-Stolen your ideas-Stolen the ideas you wanted to write and tried getting someone else to write it right in front of you-Trying to make some extra money on the side by taking on writing commissions but being reminded once again that you’re a writer and writers aren’t people and should be able to stop their entire life to write out stories, or else you get threatened with people taking their money back less than a week after you started the commission-Being the literal last person invited into a group that you had no business being in because you got invited out of pity and nothing more-Seeing people who are supposed to be your friends not reach out to you at all just to even say hi, leading to you having to do it and the conversation taking days to complete because they don’t actually care enough to reply-Not talked to a close friend for an extended period of time because of their own real life issues and being worried sick about them the entire time-Coped with the fact that the relationship that you had with your parents your whole life is crumbling down because of a myriad of outside factors-Dealt with various health issues because of a change of where you live-Flat out disrespected by people who are supposed to be your peers because they were upset that you managed to achieve something they didn’t-Or just flat out ignored by people who you think are your friends but it’s starting to feel like they aren’t anymore
Maybe now you can better understand why I’m not exactly chipper around here right now, or why I don’t exactly have a boat load of self confidence at the moment. I come on here because there’s always that small, nagging part of my brain that says “Come on, it’ll be fun! It’ll be just like the good ol’ days on here! You enjoy this!” and I always say to myself “Yeah, I do. I enjoy being with my friends and talking and having a good time” because I do.
But then I come on here and remember that they don’t enjoy seeing me. That I’ll send them things and it’ll go ignored, and I’ll be the sole person they ignored while everyone else is having themselves a fun time. I’ll approach and say “hey I sent over something” and I’ll get the same answers of “oh I’m not in the mood” or “I just forgot”, but that never feels like the actual answer. It feels like it’s something much more personal and deeper, and the times you spend on here slowly shrink away, and you have to try triply as hard to ensure that people remember you write or you exist and matter, but always end up with the same result of no one actually caring.
That’s the reason why I’m “pessimistic”. I can’t control it and I’m not exactly in an amazing place to just come out and go “I’m depressed that means I just gotta stop being sad”. If it bothers you that much, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. I already know this ask is gonna lead to droves of anons going
“YOU DON’T SPEND ENOUGH TIME OUTSIDE” despite me walking to work every day for that exact purpose of making sure I spend time outside and do cardio
“BEING ON HERE IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH” despite knowing that without this place I wouldn’t have met people that legitimately keep me in a space where I’m not ready to take my own life
“GET A LIFE” to which I say “why are you talking to a fetish blog if you’re life is going so much better than mine?”
If that’s all you have to say, I have nothing else to respond with. This’ll very much get marked up as Trash having another breakdown and pitching his sob story, and I guarantee that this’ll get mocked and laughed at somewhere, but that’s everything I’ve been feeling. That’s why I don’t have the confidence in myself, and why I feel the way I do
I feel alone, I feel sick, I feel depressed, and I feel like I genuinely don’t matter
And the best/worst thing probably is the fact that it is a fact. I live for the future because I can’t stand living right now. But honestly? That future is looking pretty bleak with how everything is forming around me, I’m just getting closer and closer to accepting that I have no place here, or anywhere for that matter.
Hope that answers all your questions.
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TASK 009 >>> questionnaire
What are your character’s nicknames, if any?
Contrary to popular belief, “ J u l e s ” is in fact, her given name.
Not Julia, Juliet, Julianne — it’s just Jules. ( after the author of an crumbling, unreadable old book her father has had in his possession since he was a boy. The story inside is worn and warped by war and age, but the cover is still clear: TWENTY THOUSAND LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA by JULES VERNE.
It was an impossible, unthinkable feat now, to travel that far under. Unimaginable. But Aaron Churchill wanted his daughter to do impossible things.)
She wouldn’t go by Jules if it weren’t her actual, given name — nicknames aren’t exactly professional. But at home it’s fine — she’s called Jule-bug, J, Jul, and a rather ridiculous collection of petnames, courtesy of her father.
Do they have any bad habits?
Her bluntness is a rude habit, one her mother e n d l e s s l y scolded her on. Be nice, Jules! Be polite, Jules!
( But Jules doesn’t like being a liar. She likes telling the truth, the brutal, boring, terrible truth. Is that so bad?)
With that comes her habit of being judgmental, of thinking she’s the one who has it all figured out, the only one who understands anything.
(Doesn’t help that so far in her life, she hasn’t exactly been proven wrong.)
Do they have any tattoos? If not, would they want one?
Absolutely not, tattoos are for vagrants and capitolites, and the Churchills don’t have a particularly high opinion of either group. Nothing is that important that it needs to be permanent, anyway.
Do they have any scars? How did they get them?
Jules is lucky insofar that the only scars she has is from a childhood well-lived. There’s remnants of scraped knees from tripping playing tag, a burn behind her ear from letting her little sister straighten her hair.
But nothing traumatic, nothing awful, nothing bad.
Not yet.
How do they dress most of the time?
( ooc ; Do you know how, in the Sound of Music, the captain has his seven children wear literal uniforms before Maria comes?
...Yeah. Her dad was like that.)
Her clothes are high-quality, as fits one of the richer families in District Seven, but not ostentatious. She’s never casual — her wardrobe had a wide array of blouses and sweaters and skirts and corduroys, but no jeans, no sweatpants, no t-shirts. If it’s not appropriate for Sunday Mass, Jules Churchill doesn’t wear it.
What words or phrases do they use frequently?
More than phrases, Jules has a distinct style of speaking — she repeats things for emphasize, instead of saying things like “very,” she says “this is bad, bad, bad, “or I love love love this dress.”
Also, notably, Jules rarely swears unless she’s in extreme circumstances. It’s not very proper.
If anyone, who do they trust to protect them?
Short list: Her dad, only her Dad. She trusts the other members of her family, but when it comes to protection, only one person could do it, and that is Aaron Churchill. She very much views him as her one and only protector, her guardian against all things.
(And he would say the same thing. The fact that he can’t possibly protect Jules in the Hunger Games in any discernible way — it eats the man alive. He’s supposed to be her protector, he’s supposed to take care of her, and he can’t, can’t can’t.
What is the point of power if you cannot protect your little girl?)
Are they argumentative or do they avoid conflict?
Depends on who you are. Do you have something Jules wants, a position or authority? She can play the yes-man all you like. But if Jules decides you’re not worth it, get ready to hear her monolingual on how incredibly wrong, wrong, wrong you are.
Did they have any role models growing up other than their parents?
No. Only Dad. No one outside of the family really mattered.
When was the time when they were the most frightened?
...Does this very moment count? Jules trusts herself, trusts her instincts, but she’s also terrified every waking moment of the games. From the moment her name was called out in the city square, every moment has been more terrifying than the last.
(Jules doesn’t want to die, her entire life so far has been planning from the future, they cannot take that away from her. If there’s no future, there was no point to any of it at all.
That can’t be the story.
I want a different story!)
When was the time when they were the happiest?
Jules Churchill, age ten, the sort of age where everything is wrong with you and the world is against everything you do. Despite fate and biology and puberty working against her, Jules is successful, well-liked, the darling of her teachers. So much so, in fact, one of her teacher’s tells her:
“Jules Churchill, you truly are your father’s daughter.”
She ran straight to City Hall after school, just so he could tell them, as she stood panting, red-faced in her father’s office, he simply laughed.
“Jules, we already knew that. It’s clear to anyone who meets you that you’re mine.”
What is their most embarrassing moment?
After she turned fifteen, her father occasionally brought her to city hall for the day to shadow him. At fifteen, Jules thought she knew everything about the world, and acted as such to peacekeepers, her father’s staff, and plenty of other high-ranking officials.
The chewing-out by her father midway through the day made it clear that she was not as smart as she seemed. Not yet, anyway.
Are they optimistic or pessimistic?
Pessimistic about the world, but optimistic about her own prospects in it. Jules is very much aware that the world she lives in is a cruel, ugly, unforgiving and unwelcoming place. But she also has the deeply-held belief that she can overcome that if she’s smart enough, if she works hard enough.
(I wish that counted for something. I wish it counted for anything at all.)
What is their most treasured possession?
Her father own a bronze pocket-watch of incredibly old age, put together before the dark days. She has always, always, always wanted it, always made comments about how she hopes someday it will be given to her. It’s an heirloom, a piece of their family that has always been in their family.
Her father gave it to Jules to have as her token. She intends to return it to him, though.
How do they spend a typical Saturday night?
Not terribly surprising, but Jules was rather popular at her school back in Seven. The wealthy, charming daughter of the Mayor had no trouble finding friends, and as such, if her schedule of studying allowed it, Jules was a regular attendant of District Seven’s house parties, though no, she never partook in any of the more inappropriate activities that defined teenage parties.
(She just liked dancing.)
What song would you use to describe them?
baobabs by regina spektor
and i wouldn't raise my child inside this city anyway / they grow up too savvy and they grow up too fast / and they know about buying shit and they know about sex / and they know about investment banking and also about brokerage firms / and they know about the numbers and they know about the words / and they know about the bottom line and also about stones / and they know about careers and about the real deals /and they all grow up and become people's people with people skills
but you have tamed me / now you must take me / how am I supposed to be / I don't have my thorns now
Are they introverted or extroverted?
Extroverted, if only through sheer force of will. Jules prides herself on being able to talk to anybody and everybody. Especially in her element (District Seven, with her family, etc), Jules owns the room she goes into, knows how to light up the room she’s in.
Are they organized or messy?
Organized in terms of her room, messy in terms of her desk. Too many thoughts, too many papers, too many things to keep track of when it came to her brain. Her room, however, is immaculate — clothes arranged by color, nothing on the floor at all.
What do they like about themselves?
To be frank, there’s a lot. Jules is a more than a little bit full herself, if you haven’t noticed yet.
She loves her brain, her calculating, clever way of thinking her way into and out of every situation she needed to. She knows she’s attractive, though it doesn’t matter all too much to her (who cares if I’m pretty if I fail my finals?!), though it’s certainly a plus.
She loves where she comes from, her intelligent, ambitious, historic family. She loves her role as the heir apparent of that very family. She loves being Jules Churchill.
How do they relax?
A good book — HISTORY OF PANEM, usually, maybe a folk story or two. Fire roaring in the parlor of her home in Seven, a cup of tea squealing from the kitchen.
What is their ideal date?
Traditional, traditional, traditional. Wear something nice, take her to dinner, pay for it, and make sure to entertain her with the conversation — if she’s bored, you’re over.
(also, eating her out afterwards wouldn’t hurt)
Do they want children? Why or why not?
Yes, but that doesn’t exactly mean Jules wants to be a mother. She wants to continue her family line, maybe even have someone love her unconditionally in the way a child does. But raising a child? Changing diapers and feeding and comforting and crying with a child for eighteen-plus some years?
Who had time for that?
Where do they see themselves in five years?
The plan has changed since she was reaped — though her heart can’t fully rule out following in her father’s footsteps, she’s not sure a Victor would even be eligible to be chosen as the mayor. But a Victor has a power all it’s own, probably more so than a mayor — something Jules wants to wield wisely.
What would be their three wishes if they found a genie’s lamp?
To win ( d u h . )
For her family to wield power comparable to the snows in the capitol (yeah, something she has seriously thought about)
For pomegranates to grow in Seven — she tried one here in the capitol, and it is the closest Jules has come to falling in love.
Describe your character sitting in their favorite spot.
See above — the parlor of her home in Seven, with it’s ancient Persian rugs, warm fire-lit lamps, shelf after shelf of books and usually at least one member of her family inside. Add herbal tea for an especially happy Jules.
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hello everyone.
today i did actually make my lunch and get to campus around 11:40 or so. i worked for a while until rebika showed up, which is when i took a small lunch break, and then we worked together for about two hours. i finished two practice problems- one full problem, most of another, and 1/4 of a third. ammar came to help, and adamya made a guest appearance, and mainak also helped a bit. so we had a whole adventure. we didn’t solve the problem we were having, which is why one problem got left at “mostly finished.”
i came home around 3:30 and got to work drawing. i talked with oz for a while, which was nice and kept me focused on my project, since i can’t read and talk on the phone at the same time.
i had an alright dinner, and i did my dishes and some chores, and i started listening to welcome to night vale. i really liked it so i listened through four episodes while i worked. hearing “the bus is late” as a “weather report” probably made me the most delighted i’ve felt in days. i was so surprised by this wonderful song.
comic wise i finished over an entire page of drawing. i’ve got four panels left in scene 3, and then scene 4 is also three pages. i look at the endless expanse of panels to finish before i can post these tiny story tidbits and i weep.
i ended up changing a lot of things from my boards but i think the final drafts of these next two scenes work a lot better as, like... showing the reader that we and nas don’t really know the main character anymore. her friend’s been replaced by a terrifying volatile asshole.
it’s good.
anyway doing practice problems made me feel a little better again, even though i noticed i was STILL having too much trouble getting started on problems without a set of directions in front of me. when i almost fell asleep while i was actively in the process of writing equations in my ipad i called it a day. too stressed i guess. or something. maybe i need more sleep. i probably need more sleep in addition to my many other problems. snoopy isn’t helping.
i feel like whenever i bring up my feelings all i can think or talk about is how lonely i feel. makes me feel pathetic. this should be an easy problem to solve. i hate going through the process of making friends though, deciding when and when not to be “vulnerable,” getting furious with myself every time i feel like i overshared, beating myself up when i let a conversation die because i didn’t share... i’m 25! i’m almost 26!! i should be better at this by now!!!
i hate making friends and then getting ditched, or worse. it could be so much worse than getting ditched... it makes it hard to invest. it makes it hard to be interested in other people when i spend the whole conversation sweating over whether or not to tell this or that story, or share how bad i’m feeling.
but the longer i go without talking to people the less interested i feel in it (even though the desire to be heard never goes away at all), and the less... “able” i feel to do it. reality gets all tangled up and things kinda happen around me and it feels like a dream. but i know i gotta get up and react to the world, because i know in my head it’s probably not a dream. and even if it is, when i get hurt in my dreams, it hurts! so either way i gotta pay attention, and i have no energy to pay attention.
i feel so powerless. when i would hang out with my classmates i felt so unseen. people would talk over me even after i had started a sentence. i look at these other people and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to make myself likable to them and turn myself into a friend. i look at the physics problems and i don’t know how to make myself remember how to do physics. like if i don’t have the answer in front of me, the instructions, i just kind of look at it helplessly. even though when i look at the answer my brain immediately puts together how everything works and i am able to explain it to my classmates (their own math, by the way, i was following- they needed me to explain their answer to them). i feel so dopey. i have all these different things and ideas and i can’t put any of them together to make an answer. socially, academically, financially...
at least with making phone calls and stuff i can write down a general set of directions and then follow them. you know, “introduce yourself, give some context, say what the problem is, wait for their questions.” i have clear small steps i can follow.
but i have so much trouble breaking other things down. even doing the dishes i kind of gawk down at the sink for a few minutes. even if there’s, like, only a plate and a fork in there it feels like Doing Dishes, Which Takes Ten Minutes.
i noticed last semester in therapy, with that counselor who made me feel bad, i couldn’t break myself down either. that’s what she was trying to do. break me into different pieces to see how they each worked in a more manageable way. but i couldn’t really get behind that idea. the part of me that feels sad all the time is the same part of me that likes doing physics. it’s One Unit, Which Has A Lot Of Feelings. untangling those feelings turns into a huge ordeal because i can’t break myself down into clear small bits that are easy to figure out individually.
i do that with words and ideas too. i have trouble distinguishing between things sometimes, or seeing what the point of separating them is. i could not articulate that concept (or lack of a concept, i guess) to harrison a few weeks ago and we argued about it for hours because i couldn’t make him understand how i saw it. i feel like no one understands how i see it because even i can’t understand how i see it. i can’t even figure out how to describe an example here. we were arguing about platonic ideals and perfection and i said the idea of perfection was complete nonsense to me. things aren’t “perfect” or “imperfect.” they just “are” how they “are.”
i can see why the idea of a platonic ideal, the “perfect chair” or whatever, is useful for common language, but at the same time... that way of looking at the world lends itself well to seeing imperfections everywhere and judging those imperfections as inferior to that imaginary ideal.
like christianity and sin. “nobody’s perfect.” you just are what you are. you change, and grow, and shrink in other ways, and you’re always changing in little ways even as you remain yourself, but that’s not imperfect or perfect. it’s just existing.
and yet... i argue semantics endlessly and i never get bored of making stupid distinctions between words, choosing every one carefully, even when i’m just rambling for hours like this. picking apart other people’s words. why do i even care? do i know what they meant? do they know what they meant? why is the distinction there so important to me when i don’t even like the tools we use to make language into coherent communication?
see i got all turned around. i wanted to talk about why i’m having so much trouble solving physics problems and it turned into an overwhelming philosophical question. navel gazing. i can’t tell if it’s a bad habit or not. probably a mixed bag. it’s not helping me right now.
i feel like... there’s something wrong in my life. something wrong in the way i am able to interact with my life. that disconnect is making all these different aspects of my life break and become much harder than they need to be. much harder than they are for “normal” people.
i could blame my upbringing. i could blame my parents. i’d probably be right, too. but at some point i gotta get up and move on and take care of myself and start having all those skills that normal people my age have. like basic problem solving. “learning how to think critically.” and i feel like i’m not doing that. but i have no idea how to even start.
worse yet, i get the feeling i probably do have those skills and there’s something else i’m not getting, but i can’t see the ACTUAL problem because my confidence is all shot to hell.
i can’t tell what’s really happening. i can’t tell what’s real. i wish someone else could tell me or teach me how to tell for myself. i have no idea how i look to other people, and i have no idea how to describe my personality or my being most of the time. i have no idea how to describe my life other than “i am very unhappy now, and i have been unhappy for a very long time,” and i know that comes off as pathetic and most people will just call me a pessimist.
but i am, truly, very unhappy. and i have been for a very long time.
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Welcome to Jopok! Please follow the admin twitter within 48 hours of acceptance, or your faceclaim will be freed up
Personality:
anxiety-ridden yet forcibly optimistic are two wonderful ways to describe minju. he knows the world is unforgiving and lives that reality each and every day, but he searches deeply within himself to find different reasons — no matter how small — to stay hopeful and keep going. he tries to remain a sunshine in a world full of clouds threatening to overshadow him and finds solace whenever his dumb antics are able to bring even the slightest of smiles to others’ faces.
minju is someone who may be considered an enigma. he trusts too easily or not at all, smiles and laughs one minute and cries and shakes the next. outwardly, he displays a lawfully neutral attitude with a bit of chaos here and there (caused mostly by bad decisions, but that’s okay), and he’s far more confident around those he knows well or when hiding behind a screen. embarrassing situations make him become shy and quiet — sometimes even anxious, in which case he either shuts his mouth entirely or rambles on while running his words together.
Background:
𝐥𝐞𝐞 𝐡𝐲𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚 𝐜𝐲𝐧𝐢𝐜.
born to an unfortunate family in gimpo near its borders with incheon, hyeseong was the middle child of two others — an older brother and a younger sister. he was a bright child that loved to visit the han river and wobble as close to the bank as possible, all smiles and giggles: a naturally born optimist, really. even when he had to look to his brother for reassurance rather than his mother or father, he forced his tears away in favor of accepting his sibling’s kind words — and then, he would pass them down to his sister. far too young to understand his reality, he passed his time thinking of these circumstances as normal.
the few times he saw his parents, they were either getting ready to leave for their daily one hour trip to seoul (“we have to go to work, honey. we love you.”) or just arriving home during the latest hours of the night from a draining day at their office job (“go to sleep, hyeseong. it’s late.”). and again, he was far too young to understand that desk work didn’t produce these kinds of issues — nor did they leave an odd smell on clothing, nor did they make adults so cold to their children, and nor did they have to be stationed in seoul rather than gimpo or even incheon.
fast forward to age six, and a whole new level of excitement occurred: moving to seoul. his parents told him it was necessary to be closer to their workplace, that it would give them time to actually bond with him and his siblings. although brimming with anticipation, he could see the frown on his brother’s face; it confused him, but he chalked it up to a bad mood (a continuous one, at that) and helped his cute kid sister pack all of her broken and stitched stuffies without a single complaint.
they didn’t spend more time with him, but that was okay.
𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐟-𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥, 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐟-𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐲.
the shortage brought about its own set of issues. hyeseong was ten when it began, and the change was anything but subtle. suddenly, resources were scarce for everyone around him — and yet, somehow, his family seemed to be doing okay. maybe they were richer than he thought, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on the looks in his family’s eyes: his brother, questioning; his sister, confused; his father, determined; his mother, cold.
cold became a recurring theme as time dragged on, and the han river was but a distant memory. the world was ruining his life, yet he managed to smile through it. he could tell that his brother didn’t fare as well, at least on the outside. the silence was suffocating, but it was far more suffocating every time his brother spoke; everything was pessimistic, hateful, biting. because of this, he became the rock. it was him that had to look carefree and pretend everything was okay, and that wasn’t easy — not at thirteen years old, not for someone so inwardly sensitive, and certainly not whenever his parents were actually home. instead of him staying up to await their return, it became his brother; hyeseong knew this only because of the loud, heated arguments he could hear occurring in the earliest hours of the morning. he tried to hide from it — bury his head under the pillow and blankets, let his sister come to his bed and cover her ears as well. unfortunate, then, that he could still hear mostly everything. these harsh words were never directed at him, but they stung all the same (“stupid fucks, you’re taking all of our lives away!”).
he was sixteen when everything finally clicked for him — or maybe, he just stopped denying it. his sleep schedule hardly existed, and the things he heard throughout the night were far from peaceful silence. hushed whispers of casinos, of drugs, of gambling — all of it pointed to obvious illegal activity, and with the world in such disarray… well, he knew what that meant. he only prayed his sister didn’t know, and, in many ways, he was grateful to his brother for not telling him. finally, he fully understood the phrase ‘ignorance is bliss’.
hyeseong tried to pretend everything was normal — really, he did. he offered his sister the same bright, reassuring smiles and attended high school just as he had before. it was nothing short of difficult, especially after his brother graduated high school and immediately left the nest; that made him the oldest, the one that had to be even more responsible than before — and with that came the decision to talk to his parents. maybe, just maybe, he could make them stop all of this that way or, at the very least, gain an understanding of why.
he bid his sister goodnight around eleven and waited around in the living room until he heard the tell-tale click of the lock announcing his guardians’ arrival. it was four in the morning when he sat at the kitchen table across from them with cold stares boring into him. the conversation, as one could imagine, didn’t seem to go well.
( you’re in a gang.
okay.
why?
okay.
do you care at all?
okay.
please.
a pause, and then— it’s for protection. we help them, and they help us.
so, those people you—
are in one, too. yes.
—and—
we can’t leave gemini, hyeseong. we would be without everything.
but i don’t— care about that. we— i don’t even know your personalities, and you’re my parents. i want to see you! i want to know that we live normally! i want—
goodnight. )
hyeseong went to bed with wet cheeks and teary eyes.
𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐤 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐬.
little by little, things were getting better. it was strange seeing his parents home more often — even stranger, then, that they would try to actively seek him and his sister out just to ‘hang out’ with them. over the course of two years, it became a routine to see them home and waiting with welcoming arms (and smiles that told both a happy and stressed tale; eyes that contained a million little puzzle pieces hyeseong could never dream of putting together; movements that were somewhat stiff and uncertain).
( it was subtle at first. his mother and father came home four days out of the week rather than three, and then the hours changed. four in the morning to three, three to twelve, and then— home during daylight hours. )
both hyeseong and his sister couldn’t have been happier with the change. their resources grew thinner, but neither of them cared; what mattered most was the beautiful reality of finally feeling like a real family. if only their eldest brother was there to see it.
the attractiveness of their new situation lasted throughout those two years and screeched to a startling halt within a few months of hyeseong turning eighteen. he was in his last few months of high school at that time, and the best part of his day was easily coming home to see his sister (who was growing up so well; he couldn’t have been more fond of someone even if he tried) and parents doing mundane things — cooking, cleaning, or watching tv, usually.
he knocked on the door just like any other day to announce his arrival and waited.
and waited.
and waited.
nothing.
so, he tried to push the door open himself— and it worked. he thought it odd, considering his parents were always sticklers about keeping it locked ‘just in case’.
it hit him in steps.
first: the smell— not drugs, but blood. he scrunched his nose as soon as the door slowly swung open, nostrils flaring and eyebrows knitting together in a shocked state of confusion.
second: the feeling— not some kind of odd substance leftover from possible cooking, but again: blood. the lights were off, and his vision was far from good enough to see anything other than two feet in front of him. he turned on the light switch to the right side of the door and felt a somewhat wet, sticky sensation on his finger. his confusion doubled into alarm.
third: the sight— not a happy family sitting together, but corpses stained red. his eyes darted from his mother to his father, forced to take all of it in. he could see their bodies full of holes and deep cuts that tore through the skin— especially on their arms. far too crisply was the word “traitor” engraved; it tore through the dermis all the way to bone in some areas. he closed his eyes as soon as he regained control of himself, violent shakes passing through him each and every second until he fell to his knees and sobbed.
this wasn’t what he wanted when he talked to them that night.
he didn’t want to clumsily navigate through a house tainted red (it was so much— so much, everywhere), didn’t want to find his sister on the other end of the house slowly bleeding out and immobile from her injuries, didn’t want to hold her knowing her heartbeat was already so slow that there was no hope— and most of all, he didn’t want to have to figure out what to do after the fact.
his mind went far too many miles per minute for him to figure out what would be best. instead, he did the first thing his fight or flight response came up with: he ran.
he put his bloodied jacket over his sister’s corpse and ran until he couldn’t anymore.
it was lucky for him, then, that his steps took him to a restaurant his parents mentioned multiple times in the past. he was out of options; he couldn’t leave seoul without any means to long-term, couldn’t call the police because he was certain his fingerprints were everywhere and his mental state wouldn’t allow him to explain anything, couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen and just continue on — so, of course, his mind led him to that place to see the one man he thought could help him in some way.
that meeting wasn’t an easy one, and hyeseong hadn’t realized at the time that he’d sold his soul away in pursuit of a life he would never receive.
𝐤𝐰𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐣𝐮 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚 𝐜𝐲𝐧𝐢𝐜.
lee hyeseong does not exist any longer — at least, he doesn’t to those who don’t know the name from past associations. he left that name along with his worries, or so that’s what he hoped; instead, the past haunts him every passing day. it doesn’t matter that he eventually picked himself up enough to get an apartment, and nor does it matter that he landed a job at a local cafe just to feel some semblance of normality.
the man that saved him is the very one that keeps him trapped. minju’s existence quickly devolved into one of servitude (do this, do that, don’t get caught, speak my name and your life is over), and sometimes he swears he can feel eyes piercing through him at the weirdest times. he knows now that he was mistaken to believe anyone associated with his parents in the past would have an ounce of kindness in their heart.
kwon minju is just a boy that was eaten by the world and spat back out as a flickering flame.
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it was almost too much for my heart to take
but my heart has learned to be
whatever it needs to be
to survive.
i can get through anything
if i change the shape of it enough.
the picture perfect life. born with no worries, a beautiful surrounding, and a loving family: that was declan’s childhood. having two older siblings whom were incredibly close in age aided in making sure declan never felt alone, despite his reserved and quiet nature growing up. with his older brother, aries, only being 2 years older than him, and his sister, cadence, being one year older than him, the three were as close as close could possibly be.
they brought him out of his shell. they’d walk to school with each other, stopping at the convenience store on their way home to bug the cashier that’s name was brian. they’d always make it a point to go to the neighborhood park that was a block away from home at least twice a week. always the first to tell each other secrets, huddle in pillow forts because the two siblings knew it was declan’s favorite thing to do.
it was because of them that as he grew older, he grew more talkative, more open to other people. his family was adored by all, his parents always volunteering, his sister the star of the school orchestra, his brother the star soccer player on campus. declan wasn’t particularly good at anything but art, but his bright smile and charming personality made him the picture perfect boy-next-door without even having to try.
some envied the family while most adored them, but everyone in town knew them. they functioned like any other family, having their subtle differences and arguments behind closed doors but still loving each other unconditionally. blessed under a roof of love, they flourished with each others support. everything was perfect for them, nothing could ruin it.
until something did.
declan still remembers that day. it was cloudy out, his sister and him sitting by the window next to her bed, counting cars that wizzed by every few minutes as they waited for aries to get home. the clouds were barely parted, sunlight peaking through every few minutes or so to shine directly into cadence’s eyes. just as they were in a heated conversation about the season finale of their favorite show, their mother peaked her head in. she needed bell peppers and rice, two things of which were absolutely necessary for tonights meal. even if she wasn’t asking directly, it was clear what her request was.
declan scrambled off the bed, throwing on a coat and complying without a second thought. cadence offered to come with, no, she was already up getting her coat on under the assumption that she would come, but declan stopped her. the store wasn’t far, and aries would kill them for the undeniable exclusion (he was always petty like that). so instead, cadenced plopped herself back onto her bed, telling declan that if he took too long she’d turn on the wii and destroy his high score on mario cart without him.
he parted from his family, shouting a quick love you before storming into the cold weather towards the store. he wasn’t gone long, perhaps thirty minutes. the broken crosswalk light had taken longer than usual to signal he could walk, and the line at checkout had taken nearly ten minutes to dissipate until he could finally make his way back home.
he walked leisurely, swinging the bag in hand. as he neared closer, he noticed smoke not too far off in the distance, burning dark black and garnering attention. walking closer, he realized that it was a bit too close to where his house should be. he was beginning to walk so fast that he hadn’t even realized he’d slammed shoulders with someone running by, his pace quickening into a run. nothing could mask the horror that he felt when he saw his own house come into view and saw the fire and smoke pouring out of the windows.
nothing was worse than realizing his family was nowhere on the sidewalks.
of course, he dropped his bag and was ready to run into the house himself until some neighbors grabbed him. he tries to fight them off while he screamed, but it was to no avail. that was the most helpless declan had ever felt.
just within thirty minutes, declan’s life became the biggest town tragedy, and he became the biggest sob story. he garnished attention from all corners of the town, everyone now not knowing him as the cute next-door-neighbor but instead the seventeen year old orphan who’s life had tarnished right in front of thousands eyes. it only took so long until the grief subsided into resignation.
he needed to get out of town, out of the watching eyes and the solemn whispers, and so he did. declan moved to the farthest place he could imagine; somewhere more than out of state given the national platform the story had all around america. korea. he changed his name to silas, something of which he has been going by since the age of nearly nineteen.
he is no longer declan yoo, town tragedy with a family of which went up in flames, but instead lee silas, a man who has very little contact with his parents who live in america and has no siblings. he spent years recreating himself and years trying to find the same charming personality that he once had.
he is lee silas, a man with an ability to see the future that he still has no explanation for and a man who has no idea just how entangled his entire life is with another mans.
⸻ THE BASICS
name: lee silas
real name: declan yoo
age: 25
birthday: june 13, 1993
race: korean
gender: cismale
sexuality: homosexual
relationship status: single
⸻ PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
hair: brown
eyes: brown
height: 182 cm (6′0)
build: fit
distinguishing marks: none
common accessories: his brother’s necklace, where the charm on the end is a ring of his sisters. both were salvaged from the fire.
⸻ PERSONAL
profession: set designer
languages: english, korean
residence: busan, south korea
birthplace: stowe, vermont
religion: catholic
fears: death by fire
disabilities: none
good traits: analytical, brave, cautious, creative, consistent, eager, opinionated, soft-hearted, thoughtful, passionate
bad traits: deceptive, feisty, frustrated, perverse, rigid, secretive, skeptical, hesitant, erratic, anxious
⸻ TRAITS
extroverted / introverted / in between.
disorganized / organized / in between.
close minded / open-minded / in between.
calm / anxious / in between.
disagreeable / agreeable / in between.
cautious / reckless / in between.
patient / impatient / in between.
outspoken / reserved / in between.
leader / follower / in between.
empathetic / unemphatic / in between.
optimistic / pessimistic / in between.
traditional / modern / in between.
hard-working / lazy / in between.
cultured / un-cultured / in between.
loyal / disloyal / unknown / in between.
faithful / unfaithful / unknown / in between.
⸻ PLACE IN SOCIETY
financial: wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty
class or caste: upper / middle / working / unsure
education: high school / college / dropped out
criminal record: yes, for major crimes / yes, for minor crimes / no
⸻ BELIEFS
monotheist / polytheist / atheist / agnostic
belief in ghosts or spirits: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care
belief in an afterlife: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care
belief in reincarnation: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care
belief in aliens: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care
philosophical: yes / no
⸻ CAPABILITIES
combat skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none
literacy skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none
artistic skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none
technical skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none
social skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none
⸻ HABITS
drinking alcohol: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess
smoking: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess
other narcotics: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess
medicinal drugs: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess
indulgent foods: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess
splurge spending: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess
gambling: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess
⸻ HABITS
nail biting / throat clearing / lying / interrupting / chewing the ends of pens / smoking / swearing / knuckle cracking / thumb sucking / muttering under their breath / talking to themselves / nose picking / binge drinking / oversleeping / snacking between meals / skipping meals / picking at skin / impulse buying / talking with their mouth full / humming or singing to themselves / chewing gum / leg jiggling / foot tapping / sighing / hair twirling / whistling / eye rolling / licking lips / sniffing / squinting / rubbing hands together / jaw clenching / gesturing while talking / putting feet up on tables / tucking hair behind ears / chewing lips / crossing arms over chest / putting hands on hips / rubbing the back or their neck / being late / procrastinating / doodling / shredding paper / peeling off bottle labels / forgetfulness / running hands through hair / overreacting / teeth grinding / nostril flaring / slouching / pacing / drumming fingers / fist clenching / pinching bridge of nose / rubbing temples / rolling shoulders
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reflection
hey journal,
rachel has been living with me for the past couple days now and she's good company! im really looking forward to spending the rest of this week with her. i think im going to be pretty sad when she leaves but God, I trust you. Thank you for allowing us to have this time together and grow together on a deeper level. of all the people in new MAST, im glad i get to work with Rachel. I probably trust her the most rn.
i feel pretty bad bc i tried to stay up last night in case Rachel woke up so we could start venting to each other but I ended up falling asleep around 8 or 9pm and didn't wake up again til 3:30am. I flaked on our session T 0 T but hopefully we can do it tonight! i think we both just feel physically and mentally exhausted yesterday so maybe unpacking everything tonight will lead to better, clearer results.
im also realizing that i hate giving all the time without ever feeling like im receiving. even when i do receive, i dont really believe it's happening and don't understand the effort being made on other people's parts when they do give to me and it just feels off. maybe it's bc it isnt how i envision them giving to me is. i do want to be more appreciative of every moment when people do genuinely want to give to me but it is currently hard for me to understand. like it felt fine when rachel was cooking and cleaning my dishes for me and bc i saw it as not a big thing to clean my dishes, it wasnt that alarming to see her doing it for me. it just made life easier not having to do it myself but there was no real sacrifice being made i guess.
i dont want to go home and just be listening to my sister and my parents' complaints all the time. i really feel like nothing will have changed. it was nice not speaking to them for a year and time i needed away from them to learn to be more self reliant and making a community and a life for myself here and away from them. i dont want to live the same life and be stuck in the same cycle over and over and over again. i keep ending up feeling miserable and burnt out in the end. i need to change something to make it different this time.
i dont want to be defined by the ways that i felt hurt in the past. i dont want to be defined by how much i feel like i need to work in order to prove myself. i want to learn and understand how to rest and just be present and be with God. I keep feeling so alone and I don't want to be anymore. I want to learn and know and be willing to move forward and make something different so that I can serve better and be used by God better. I want to be able to stand up and defend and challenge the community to be more like Christ. I want to stand firm in my faith at church, at school, in public. I want to be able to rest in my identity in Christ, knowing that He is always on my side and I don't have to worry so much about everything else in the world. I do genuinely want to be able to fall down but not feel like I have to get back up for the sake of helping others. I want to be able to fall down and stay down and take my time getting back up instead of just forcing myself to be okay. I hate that I experienced a drive by shooting and being basically abused by my roommate this past year. They were both absolutely horrible, awful experiences that I really do not wish on anyone else. And I am so upset that I had to go through those things this past. Honestly, even recently, I have been bitter again towards God's for continuing to bring so much pain and hardship.
I resent Jason because I feel like I can't get along or try to be friends with anyone he's had a falling out with in the past without feeling like I'm not being loyal to him. I know he feels alone and I want to stand firm and strong by his side so that he knows he isnt alone and that I will at least always be there for him. But that has kept me from feeling totally present and open with Angela, Chelsea, Yaeji, Cecilia, Joyce, Jiham, Songbee, Anna, Jiwoon, sometimes P. Josh, and I'm sure even more. It sucks. I feel like I'm being kept from making deeper relationships with people that I could potentially get along really well with because I'm trying so hard to stay loyal to Jason. And plus, I feel like whenever I have expressed concern or given him an issue that I need help dealing with or just someone to listen to, he is always quick to answer in an incredibly blunt manner. And sometimes, the challenge is a good wake up call for me to get up and keep going and do something about it instead of just wallowing in my pain and guilt. But other times, I just end up hurt. And again, he almost never apologizes! Even if I tell him he hurt me, he doesn't apologize! He just takes it as something to be assessed and logically figure out where to go from here. How did I not notice these things before? Was I just afraid to lose the few people that I did trust that I was afraid of ever seeing their true colors? Of actually seeing them for who they are instead of this perfect mirage I wanted them to be? And I always feel like I'm doing to my best to defend other people but because he's already so hell-bent on being cynical and pessimistic, he doesn't listen or even try to understand my point or that I may be right and he just isn't giving them the benefit of the doubt. I keep trying to do better in my relationship with him but in the end, I feel like I keep getting knocked down anyway and it leaves me to believe that I'm doing something wrong and need to learn to do better but maybe it's been his fault a lot of the times too. I was just too blind to notice or see.
I don't want to be on bad terms with him. I don't want to hate him. I do really value him so highly as a friend and we've fought enough times whilst still maintaining our friendship together. But this is so frustrating and I can't move on from her at this pace. I need to break this cycle and change something. Anything. It was so hard for us to have a serious, normal conversation at all but then we talked it through, toned down the joking, and have started to move forward from there. I think also just because I've probably shared the most of my insecurities and inner most thoughts with him, I trust his opinion because he has all the facts laid out. And, he gets along with so many people that he's reached out to bc of his genuine character and pure intentions. Many people that I tried to reach out to but failed at. If he can do that and they see him as so great, he must be a great person, right? Are we just too close? Are we too comfortable with each other and I'm just left seeing all the excess ugly stuff that he doesn't show the rest of the world? He seems genuinely unhappy and bitter but I also don't know how to help him anymore without it taking a cost at myself. Or even if I'm willing to pay that cost, I don't even know what to do anymore.
Sigh.
I'm glad I have the opportunity to think more about this and process and reflect everything now that it's the summer.
I want to keep this up and continue to document and flesh out all the thoughts and things running around in my mind.
Johnathan messaged me earlier today to ask if I was able to rest well. I was surprised he decided to reach out and check up to see how I was doing.
I didn't talk to Amanda at all yesterday. I saw her but I didn't even say hi.I texted her on the train this morning though and asked if she'd be down to get some coffee together today after her class. I want to be friends with her again. But not like this. I need her to know how I feel. Even if there's not much she can do about it to help the situation, I at least want to hear her side of the story. Or at least just let her know. If I don't tell her, I think my resentment towards her will always be in the back of my mind, silently lingering, slowly growing. I need to fix this now before it's too late.
So, again. I'm upset with Amanda because I feel like I tried so hard to invite her to becoming more involved with Movement in order to be a part of the community. I was just a member my sophomore year and didn't ever make that much of an effort to get involved and as a result, I was definitely not a part of the community. I felt like I needed to get involved in order to be a part of it. And I didn't want Amanda to suffer the same fate I did as a sophomore and feel like she wasn't a part of Movement—especially as someone that was here before and is now in a ministry filled with a bunch of people she's never met before. I tried so hard to invite her so she wouldn't feel like such an outsider. But she almost never came.
And, it really broke my heart when we were trying to plan for senior banquet and realizing that no one really knows Amanda that well. And I am really happy people have gotten to know her better recently. But when I found out no one knew her, I really felt like I needed to make sure people did and present the necessary opportunities for that to occur. Whether that was pushing her to do certain things or have to interact with people or whatever else.
But then, the few times Johnathan asked her to come, she came. Why was me asking never enough but for him, it was so easy for her to be convinced to come? Is it just because we're on summer break and she doesn't have to worry about so many classes and the workload that comes with it? Does it even have anything to do with Johnathan at all?And, she is so incredibly loved and adored by the NU collective and has had such an easy time getting along with them and being accepted into the community. She never even came. I tried to come so much more often than she ever did and I never felt like I was at that level of acceptance. I still feel excluded and left out from the ministry a lot. What was so different about her that I didn't have?
And finally, I'm upset she's dating Johnathan now. Not because that itself is inherently wrong or that there's anything wrong with him. I'm just upset because it shows me that they're moving on. And because I'm still in Movement, I feel like I'm still stuck in the past. And I know that that isn't true. It's in my hands now to take the baton that they've passed onto me and run at full speed ahead forward, bringing Movement to a brighter future. I do, genuinely, want to leave it knowing that it will continue to grow in the right direction. And I know that it'll take a lot of effort and sacrifice on my part. And I do genuinely want this. I just don't want to feel like I'm alone in trying to fight for this better future. I want to know that other people are serving with the same goal as me. That we are all trying to make Movement a better place and are willing to take the time and energy and make the necessary sacrifices to make that a reality. It's a lot and it's asking for a lot but if we're serious about making Movement a more God-centered ministry that is actively trying to raise each other up and keep each other accountable in becoming more Christlike, then it's something we need to do.
I just don't even want to care anymore.
No wonder Jason's more burnt out than I am. He's been doing this for a year longer than me and somehow found the strength to keep going and serving. And still, no one bothered reaching out to him or getting to know him. I think Movement as a community never felt the need to make the effort in reaching out to us as MAST because we explicitly signed up to voluntarily serve the community and learn to be disciples so that we could make disciples. But at the end of the day, we're only human too. We want to know we're not just people you see as someone whose responsibility it is to serve you. We want to know that we are someone you see as a friend. As a brother or a sister in Christ. Not just someone whose sole responsibility is to take care of you.
Maybe that's why I'm so upset now. Because I'm caught in this weird in between area where I did have community with old MAST but now they're leaving and moving on with their lives. I need to learn to let go of them and find community in new MAST now. But because none of them were on old MAST, I don't feel like I have community with any of them. Especially with Joyce, Sean, and David, I still feel like they're people I need to serve. That I can't show my true colors to because I'm just expected to serve them. And I do, genuinely, want to trust them and be able to serve alongside them. And know that I can find community with them. But as of right now, I can't. I feel like I need to serve them and lead them in the right direction as the only continuing MAST member. Give them tips and advice on small group leading and how to hold themselves and everything else. Reasons to keep going when it seems hard. Ways to challenge them and and to do better. But I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel like I'm fighting this fight by myself. Like the only person I can rely on is me. Even with P. Josh, I do genuinely love and trust and respect him so much. But, it really breaks my heart whenever I see him so discouraged and I want to do my best to change the culture in Movement so that he doesn't have to feel that way again. Or at least just not as often. I started going to bible studies and prayer meetings just to make sure at least one person showed up. Because if he was already discouraged to only see me come, how awful would he feel if no one decided to come. And I really don't want him to feel that way. He doesn't believe Movement has actually grown all that much. At least not spiritually. I believe we have grown a lot. Maybe not spiritually but at least that community aspect is starting to get there. It's better than nothing. And the 5 of us in MAST this past year did definitely grow maturity wise, mentally, and spiritually. We have grown in our faiths and matured and that's a result of him. We were able to live out these characteristics and newfound values because of the ways he led and taught and discipled us to be. We have grown. Maybe not as much as he might've wanted but we did grow.
And even if people suddenly came out the last couple meetings just because it was the last one, at least people came and could hear and learn about the Bible and pray for the nations. Better they came, even if it was for the wrong reasons, than not at all.
I am the happiest when I don't care. When I interact with people without worrying about how it might be affecting them. When I just act as unapologetically me as I can. And I usually get along much better with people when I do present myself like that.
maybe things wouldnt have been so bad if the whole Eunice thing didn't happen. Everyone was quick to turn on her but I wanted to really try and hear her side of the story. I saw her as the victim that I needed to reach out to. But she hurt a lot of people and I don't think I ever took the time to really try and understand everyone else's perspective and their side of the story. At the end of the day, whatever her reasons were for pretending to be a student at NU, she betrayed and hurt a lot of people. That was the bottom line. And she needs to own up to her actions and acknowledge that would she did was wrong and apologize for it. No one will ever be able to move on if she doesn't. What happened with her is something we choose not to address and just ignore that it happened. I can't even imagine how stressed P. Josh must've been trying to navigate that whole situation and especially for something that drastic to happen during his first year. He had a rough first year and still decided to stay and try and salvage Movement. And look at where we are now as a result. Thank you, P. Josh. Truly.
I'm surprised Jason said that Movement was so great for him his first year of serving with Angela. It was his everything and he loved it. I just assumed he also had an equally bad time as me but maybe because of the Northwestern life group, he felt differently. He's been so bitter towards everyone recently so I just assumed it had always been bad from the start. I guess I was wrong. We're not the same person at all. And we had very different experiences.
And now we're both here now.
And it's time to let go and move on.
God, please give me the strength and the courage to confront Amanda today and express all these feelings that I have towards her. Please let us just get and have everything out in the open and leave no words left unsaid.
Thank you.
I pray this all in your name,Amen.
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4 3 2 1 by Paul Auster; Quotes
both arms and both legs? What if he had been killed? Yes, anything was possible, and just because things happened in one way didn’t mean they couldn’t happen in another. Everything could be different.
Anyway, it was his letter, wasn’t it, and he could write anything he wanted to. Once again, his grandmother shook her head. You never back down, do you, Archie? To which her grandson answered: Why should I back down when I’m right?
His mother looked agitated, more confused and distraught than Ferguson had ever seen her, no longer acting as the rock of composure and wisdom he had always thought she was but someone just like himself, a fragile being prey to sadness and tears and hopelessness, and when she put her arms around him he felt frightened, not just because his father’s store had burned down and there would be no more money for them to live on, which meant they would have to move to the poorhouse and subsist on porridge and dried-out pieces of bread for the rest of their days, no, that was bad enough, but the truly frightening thing was to learn that his mother was no stronger than he was, that the blows of the world hurt her just as much as they hurt him and that except for the fact that she was older, there was no difference between them.
That explained why Brownstein and Solomon managed to float through their lives in relative peace—because they weren’t tormented by the curse of ambition.
For the first month, Ferguson never thought about how happy he was in that place. He was too immersed in what he was doing to stop and reflect on his feelings, too caught up in the now to be able to see past it or behind it, living in the moment, as his counselor Harvey had said about performing well in sports, which was perhaps the real definition of happiness, not knowing you were happy, not caring about anything except being alive in the now
The word psyche means two things in Greek, his aunt said. Two very different but interesting things. Butterfly and soul. But when you stop and think about it carefully, butterfly and soul aren’t so different, after all, are they?
Adolescence feeds on drama, it is most happy when living in extremis
Anger and disappointment could take you just so far, he realized, but without curiosity you were lost.
What’s the point of all this, Archie? I’m saying you’ll never know if you made the wrong choice or not. You would need to have all the facts before you knew, and the only way to get all the facts is to be in two places at the same time—which is impossible.
but just as feelings were always feelings, subjectively true one hundred percent of the time, facts were also facts
The same manuscript perceived differently by different pairs of eyes, different hearts, different brains. It was no longer a question of one person being punched while another person was being kissed, it was the same person being punched and kissed at the same time, for that was how the game worked, Ferguson realized, and if he meant to go on showing his story to other people in the future, he would have to prepare himself to be punched as often as he was kissed, or punched ten times for every kiss, or a hundred times with no kiss at all.
You’re a strange person, do you know that? I guess. But even if I am, what can I do about it? Nothing. That’s right. Nothing.
Pangloss is an idiot optimist, and I’m an intelligent pessimist, meaning a pessimist who has occasional flashes of optimism. Nearly everything happens for the worst, but not always, you see, nothing is ever always, but I’m always expecting the worst, and when the worst doesn’t happen, I get so excited I begin to sound like an optimist. I could have lost you, Archie, and then I didn’t. That’s all I can think about anymore—how happy I am that I didn’t.
Time moved in two directions because every step into the future carried a memory of the past, and even though Ferguson had not yet turned fifteen, he had accumulated enough memories to know that the world around him was continually being shaped by the world within him, just as everyone else’s experience of the world was shaped by his own memories, and while all people were bound together by the common space they shared, their journeys through time were all different, which meant that each person lived in a slightly different world from everyone else. The question was: What world did Ferguson inhabit now, and how had that world changed for him?
We feel what we feel, he wrote, and we’re not responsible for our feelings. For our actions, yes, but not for what we feel.
for the puzzling thing about turning from the one into the other was that caterpillars were probably quite content to be caterpillars, creeping over the earth without once thinking about becoming something else, and sad as it must have been for them to stop being caterpillars, surely it was better and altogether astonishing to start over again as butterflies, even if the life of a butterfly was more precarious and sometimes lasted just a single day.
Why choose? he asked. Sometimes we want to sink our teeth into a nice fat hamburger, and at other times nothing tastes better than a hard-boiled egg or a dry saltine. Art is a banquet, he concluded, and every dish on the table is calling out to us—asking to be eaten and enjoyed.
I need you to love me, Ma, he said. I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t love me. I love you, Archie, his mother said. I’ll always love you. I just don’t understand you anymore.
the impulse to control and the impulse to take risks. That was the secret, he felt. All control would lead to an airless, suffocating result. All risk would lead to chaos and incomprehensibility. But put the two together, and then maybe you’d be onto something, then maybe the words singing in your head would start to sing on the page and bombs would go off and buildings would collapse and the world would begin to look like a different world.
had to go along with it or else explode from the continual agitation of wanting what he couldn’t have, for thwarted desire was a poison that seeped into every part of you, and once your veins and inner organs were fully saturated with the stuff, it traveled upward toward your brain and burst right through the top of your skull.
(You have to learn everything you can, Archie, he once said to him, and then you have to forget it, and what you can’t forget will create the foundation of your work)
No, Ferguson replied, when Artie’s parents asked if he agreed with this boy, but that was what made their conversations so instructive, he said, because every time Mike challenged him he would have to think harder about what he believed in himself, and how could you ever learn anything if you only talked to people who thought exactly as you did?
and why did a person have to choose between one or the other, why block out one-half of humanity in the name of normal or natural when the truth was that everyone was Both, and people and society and the laws and religions of people in different societies were just too afraid to admit it. As the California cowgirl had said to him three and a half years ago: I believe in my life, Archie, and I don’t want to be scared of it.
Potential problems sometimes turned into genuine problems, and sometimes they didn’t. This one didn’t.
It is not merely their bodies that they wish to overcome but their feeling of separateness from one another. One man put it to me this way: “We can’t seem to find a common ground. Each one of us carries around his own world, which seldom overlaps with anyone else’s world. By reducing the size of our bodies, we hope to diminish the spaces that lie between us. Remarkably enough, it is a proven fact that amputees are more inclined to participate in the lives of others than most four-limbed Flomians. Some have even been able to marry. Perhaps when we shrink down to almost nothing, we will at last find one another. Life is, after all, very difficult. Most of us die here simply because we forget to breathe.”
Heraclitus: If you do not hope, you will never stumble upon the unhoped for, which is sealed off and impenetrable.
You seem to be having the time of your life, he wrote in one of the forty-two letters he sent to her that summer. Back here in New York, I’m having the life of my times.
That was the one true advantage of having money over not having money, he decided—not that you could buy more things with it but that you no longer had to walk around with that infernal thought bubble hanging over your head.
You’re your own man, and because of that you’re a thrilling person to be with, but also because of that you’re never going to fit in anywhere, which is a good thing, I believe, since you’ll be able to go on being your own man, and a man who is his own man is a better man than most men, even if he doesn’t fit in.
You don’t want to reinvent the world, Archie, you want to understand the world so you can find a way to live in it.
Sitting pretty, Ferguson’s mother said. Yes, that was it, sitting pretty, and what a grand and beautiful world it was if you didn’t stop to look at it too closely.
No, but it probably means the end of you and Amy. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. We weren’t going to last in the long run. In the short run, I think we’ve been trying to prove a point. If not to ourselves, then to everyone else. And then that schmuck walked over to our table the other night and threatened us. We’ve made our point, but who wants to live in a world that forces you to stare down the haters who spend their lives staring at you? Life is hard enough as it is, and I’m exhausted, Archie, just about at the end of my rope.
now he was doing things he never would have done in the past, behaving as if he were no longer himself, but then again, perhaps this was the person he had become now, for the truth was that he didn’t feel guilty about pinching the book—he didn’t feel anything about it at all.
Once a person dies, you start to feel different things about that person, no matter what trouble there might have been in the past.
he already knew how it was going to end, but helpful as it was to know that, knowing was not doing, and getting to the end would mean little unless he managed to do it right.
the pain of the world (Weltschmerz) pressing on the heart even as sunlight pours down upon them
he turned away from her, looked at the wall, and said: What’s wrong with me? Being young, Mary replied. That’s the only thing that was ever wrong with you. You were young, and you thought the thoughts of an undeveloped young person with a big heart and an overdeveloped case of youthful idealism. Now you’re not so young anymore, and you’ve stopped thinking that way. Is that all?
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My Life
Autobiographical Survey
1) Beginnings
I was born in 1996, in Canossa Hospital in Hong Kong, and lived in HK for nine years. A little Taiwanese boy born in Hong Kong. My parents left Taiwan because my father got a job in Hong Kong and they moved, and so I was the first person in the family that was not born in Taiwan. It was hard for me to be in close contact with my culture and family, there was always a separation between where I lived and where I am actually from. My parents often quarreled over parenting methods, my father more traditional, my mother more, what’s the word? Modern? Progressive? I won’t lie, I was fucking scared of my father as a kid. He was never afraid of disciplining me, putting me into place. But, he was also working hard, earning money for us, providing me with a childhood and life he did not have. He grew up on a farm, with three brothers and sisters. He had to fight for everything he wanted. He took that attitude and passed it onto me. I am forever grateful for everything he has done for me and my family. I am less scared of him now, but I am still prone to the occasional yelling whenever I excessively play video games when I am back home during my holidays. I was never too close to him, but there was a period of two years when he stopped working because he had a liver inflammation, and I was about to go to college. Suddenly he had more time to spend and I took that opportunity to get to know him better, i.e. feel more comfortable when I am alone with him. Now we have a pretty great relationship. My mother is a different story. You know the kind of parent you do not want to be seen with around your friends in middle school because they might embarrass you? Yeah that’s her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s great. Always supportive and there for me. But I always have to walk on egg shells around her, worried I might say the wrong thing and then she’ll flip on me. Every time we argue she always finds some way to manipulate me into thinking I am the one in the wrong and that I have to apologise and everything is my fault. She does not realise this and it took me all of my courage to bring that up to her a couple of months ago. I know I’m writing a bunch of negative aspects about my parents but I don’t want to write a full paragraph of how my parents were always so supportive of me and were the best parents I could ask for and all that jazz.
2) Health
I never really had any health problems, but I have had a terrible history of injuries (perks of being a sporty guy). I have broken my left arm, broken and dislocated (yes, at the same time) my left ankle, torn my left ankle ligaments three times, torn my right ankle ligaments twice, torn my left knee ligaments, torn ligaments in both of my wrists, had three concussions, one of them ended up leaving me blacked out in the middle of the pitch, drooling. Those were just the bad ones, it does not cover twisted ankles or pulled muscles. I remember crying when I broke and dislocated my ankle. I was crying for a number of reasons. I would not be able to play sports again for months, this was in high school and I was considered the sporty dude, more on that later. I would be in a cast unable to walk, my life would be really difficult for the next couple of months, and it also really hurt at the time. What I learnt from all these injuries is that I need to be patient. I need to wait for my injuries to fully heal before I play sports again. It is frustrating but I learnt that I need to prioritise my health before sports. The waiting is the worst part, but it is also the most necessary.
4) Relations
I’m not sure how special this is, but I have always felt like I’m different from the rest of my family. It does not help when the rest of my family say things like, “Do you know how to read Chinese?” “I thought you forgot all of your Chinese.” Sometimes they’re actually genuinely concerned. I understand why they would say things like that, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me. Sometimes I can’t help feeling like a foreigner in my own family.
5) School
One of my professors during my undergrad was the first person to ever tell me I was talented, to my face. She pulled me into her office before class and asked me what was going on with me, because the films I have been producing had been declining in quality. She then restored my faith by telling me that I am talented, that I am capable of producing good films. That gave me the energy boost and motivation I need for my creativity to really flow onto the screen. Moreover, someone who has a lot of experience in the field was confident in me and my ability, which meant a lot as well.
I remember the last rugby tournament of my high school career. Our whole team was injured, we had a semi final to play, and if we win that, we go to the final. I was dealing with a back problem, and was feeling very pessimistic about myself and how I would perform that day. I knew I was crucial to the team tactics but for some reason, I did not feel like playing that day, my back hurt, and I felt like I was going to let my team down, having make mistakes the previous day. It got worse when I was placed with the responsibility of kick offs and conversions, which led to added pressure, and more opportunities to mess up. This was THE tournament, a tournament I wanted to win as it was going to be my last games for the school. But during the warm up, I could not concentrate, I could not shake off my back problem. Then the coaches called me over, they said, “you’re starting today, I believe in you, run around the outside so that they would be chasing you, no one can catch up to you, we have faith in you.” We ended up winning the tournament, we won the semifinal 46-0, and the final 31-0. I scored twice. I never missed a tackle, and was confident in my sprint speed, knowing I can outrun anybody. All I needed was someone to believe in me, to tell me I was good enough. That is as big a morale boost as I needed.
6) Special Activities
I have had terrible coaches before though. My high school coach was one of them. I lost all respect for him after playing under him for only about three months. I got injured during our second game of the season, and went through treatment, and when I was fit again, this happened. First of all, before the game, none of us believed in his tactics. He tried something new this year, and everyone was complaining about it. We were losing games we should not have lost, and morale was quite low. He decided to stick with the original tactics, even after losing 6-1 the previous game, much to our frustration. We were losing 2-1, to a team worse than us, I might add. Coach told me to warm up, I was ecstatic about playing since I believed I could change the game. I went and warmed up, and then he called for a substitution. I was ready to go on to play. Then he calls someone else, who he did not tell to go warm up, to go and play. I was pissed. That was the moment I lost any kind of respect for him. Why the fuck would he want me to go warm up and then not play me? In hindsight, I should have cared more about the team than myself, but during that moment I was so angry. I just kept warming up, and he threw me on when we were losing 3-1. I only played for about 10 minutes. Then, he left me out of the team for a tournament. He told me he forgot about me because I was injured at the time.
7) Journeys
Driving from Boston to Los Angeles with my girlfriend. I realized that the U.S. is where I belong. I felt really comfortable when I was living in New York City, but I was a little scared going through the Midwest, as I didn’t know how people would react to non-white people. We stayed in small towns in states like South Dakota, Montana, Utah, and I was always a little frightened about people being racist or just mean to me for no reason. But people were so accommodating there, so welcoming, it really warmed my heart. I think it was all in my head just because I see a lot of racist abuse shown towards Asians in my social media feed. People asked about Taiwan, and what it’s like there, it was really great just to have a nice conversation with locals, and also have them share with me what their lives are like. That trip made me feel like I belong here, in the United States. No matter how diverse people are, everyone is able to share their own culture, and share their reasons for their presence in this country. That’s what I find most beautiful about the U.S. Diversity is America’s superpower.
8) Adolescence
From Year 6 to Year 11 (5th to 10th grade), the only way for me to earn the respect of others was through sports. I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t cool, I was nervous whenever I talked to girls, I was just good at sports. The only time people looked up to me and feared me was when we played football. I was the captain of the high school team in Year 10 (9th grade). I wasn’t bullied or anything but I was always a little scared of the popular dudes. They would tease people and mess with them and laugh at them in front of people. Not severe bullying, but still bullying and definitely unpleasant to be on the receiving end of it. Those popular guys would always need to feel like they are above everyone else, it certainly helped their case since most of them were like 6’3, the only way to bring them back down to earth was to be better than them at football. I kept my head down and played my football, and it earned their respect. Nobody objected when I was chosen as the captain.
9) Major Conflicts
The biggest conflict I can think of was when I had to chose between football or college. I ultimately quit the team to focus on my education. I’m not the kind of person that can focus on multiple things at once, so I decided to quit playing competitive college football.
10) People you have loved
I’ve learnt to suppress my anger, and not take it out on people. I‘ve learnt to communicate in a calm fashion, and not let my emotions get the better of me. It took a lot of practice, and support from my loved ones. Sometimes I just need to calm down, take a step back, and rethink. I often made rash decisions when I am hot-headed, and my loved ones would just calm me down when I am frustrated so that I could just assess the situation and go from there. I owe a lot to them, I feel like they have made me a better person.
11) People you have hated
This isn’t necessarily about people I’ve hated, it’s more like, cutting the people I don’t want to be associated with out of my life. I’ve noticed the type of people I don’t want in my life are people that are self-centered, who are not supportive, who criticize you all the time, and ask you to do things for them but won’t return the favour. These are people who were originally my friends, but I started to notice these traits about them, and began to distance myself from them. At first, it felt like I was betraying my friendship with them, but then I just realized I didn’t want them to be my friends, so I had a ‘fuck you’ attitude and just decided to stop talking to them.
14) Arts
As a kid, up to when I was about 12 or 13, everything that mattered in my life was football, and video games. Then I watched Step Up 2, my mum showed it to me, she thought the scene when Adam G Sevani danced up the stairs was super cool. And it was. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen that movie. That was my gateway into the arts. I wanted to start dancing, hip hop, breakdance, popping, all that cool stuff. I would watch YouTube videos of tutorials and teach myself how to dance. This was the first time I wanted to engage in an art form. I saw people doing flips and headspins, and I was like, “I wanna do that.” I used to want to do it because it looked awesome and I wanted the admiration from all of my friends, back when I was in high school and was fishing for any sort of attention I could get. Now I dance because I feel free when I do it. There are always rules in football, and rugby, and other sports, but there are no rules in dance. I could do whatever I wanted, I could move in any way shape or form I wanted. I now see dance as a form of expression, as a form of communication that words cannot describe. I took dance classes in college, and they referred to us as “movers”. Moving was about exploring your own body and using your body as a means of communication and expression.
15) Beliefs
I have a lot of these, so get ready.
My father always told me, if I want something, go and get it myself.
I usually like to look at things with an optimistic view. I prefer seeing the glass half full. I didn’t really want to write those cheesy quotes just because I don’t think they’re Gouda (I’ll get going now).
“Don’t practice until you get it right, practice until you can’t get it wrong.” – Andrea Pirlo
“I fear not man who has practiced 10,00 kicks one time, but the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.” – Bruce Lee?
“Think twice, speak once.” – My high school art teacher
“The biggest risk you can take in life, is not taking any risks.” – Oprah Winfrey (I’m paraphrasing this one)
“If you say that you can’t do something, you’ve already given up.” – Po Han Su
“You are never too old to learn.” – Lots of websites
“There is always something to learn from every mistake.”
“How do you improve? Spend a lot of time doing it, but it’s also how you spend your time.” – Some guy that plays Fortnite
“You regret the things you didn’t do”.
“Knowing is not enough, you have to apply.” – Bboy Bruce Lee
Reacting to hatred or abuse with more hatred is the worst thing you can do.
17) Life’s lessons
My friends used to say that I was really aggressive, that I was mean, even though I joke around a lot. I always played it off and said it was just a joke, but I realized that’s not the best way to maintain a friendship, particularly the ones that I want to maintain. So I decided to ditch that toxic side of me and I wanted to nurture that part of me which treats people nicely and not make fun of them and give them backhanded compliments. Treat people how you want to be treated. I should have put that quote in the previous section.
My idea for Project #1 Vision
When I dance, when I play football, when I play video games, when I do activities that I love, I find myself fully engrossed and immersed into it that I can’t think about anything else, but what I am doing at that moment, and it takes a lot for me to snap out of it. I want to make people feel what I feel when I am fully immersed and concentrated through my images.
I blank out a lot. I have lapses in concentration. That, I think is one of my biggest weaknesses. The inability to concentrate for a long time. I just start thinking about random things. When I explain this to people, they think I’m crazy. I want people to go through what I go through when I space out.
Presenting Your Influences
1) Four Characters
Alan Turing in ‘The Imitation Game’
He was a character that really resonated with me. He found what he was good at, and made a career out of it. Despite being bullied in school, he turned into one of the most successful people in the history of Britain. There were two quotes that he said, which he fully embodied in the film. “Do you know why people like violence? It’s because it feels good. Humans find violence deeply satisfying, but remove the satisfaction, the action becomes…hollow.” “Sometimes it’s the people who no one imagines anything of, who do the things that no one can imagine.” I felt that it was a very uplifting and inspiring story, complemented with an intelligent, gripping character. I watched that film, and I thought, ‘I want to be someone like him.’ Someone so influential, someone capable of change, someone who succeeded against all odds.
2) Four Figures
Sir Alex Ferguson
His never-say-die attitude. His risk-taking approach. His ability to get the best out of mediocre players. People were afraid of him. His own players were afraid of him. They were afraid of him because if they didn’t play their best, he would give them what’s called the ‘hairdryer treatment’. He always expected the best, he had incredibly high standards. That’s what makes him so successful. His methods have developed world-class players. He would buy players and turn them from relative obscurity to world beaters. If he saw talent in you, he would nurture it and turn you into the best player you can be. Often times, tactics would go out the window and a game would be won based on who wanted it more. He was so optimistic, but also pushed his players. This is the type of attitude I love to watch unfold on a football pitch.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
He flirts with the line between arrogance and confidence. He regularly comes off as arrogant in his interviews, saying and doing things that make him look like a so-called ‘dick’. However, when you watch him play, you can see why he calls himself a ‘lion’, or ‘God’. He oozes confidence when he has the ball and it all comes from his self-confidence. When he scores a crazy goal, when he performs a crazy trick, it boils down to confidence. He knows how good he is and is not afraid to show everybody that. People call it arrogance, I call it confidence.
Jamie Vardy
A real rags-to-riches story. Eight years ago, he was working in a carbon fibre factory, playing in the eighth tier of English football, earning a measly 30 pounds a week. Now he’s a Premier League winner, a Guinness World Record holder, played in a World Cup semi-final, and the Champions League quarter-final. His play style emulates his success. Hard work, dedication, and not letting anything go until it’s lost. He would chase down a loose ball like his life depended on it. He would not stop running and closing down defenders. His movement is pin-point, and his finishing is powerful. He’s the type of player every manager would love to have on his team. A hard worker, but someone who plays intelligently and has obvious natural talent.
Nemanja Vidic
There are no more players like him anymore in football. A classic hardman. A real ‘no fucks given’ player. A tough tackler and an inspirational leader. He lead by example on the pitch. Nobody wanted to get near him, he was that scary. His presence on the pitch was enough to strike fear into the eyes of his opponents. I used to love watching him play. When I was a kid I would always laugh when he hacked someone down with his feet. Now I realise he does this to mess with his opponents mentally. He wanted to show them that he was the man to be feared. He was a warrior. He played like he would give his life for this football club. This is the type of commitment I love seeing, willingness to fight for the right to wear the shirt. He was the bravest man I have ever seen. If he was bleeding from his head, he would carry on playing. He was the first person I would look for on the team sheet when the starting lineups for a game was announced. Was upset when he left because I knew we would never have a player like him again.
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can i just talk about my abuse for a few minutes? it’s kind of long so i’ll put it under a cut but i just... i really want to get this out there.
i don’t think i’ve really mentioned it on here before but i have a very toxic relationship with my mom, like really toxic. she tried to kick me out back in june when i told her i wouldn’t give her praise for being a trans ally and got mad at her for blaming me on her having an asthma attack at a pride fair i wasn’t even at. she doesn’t even look at me anymore, and she only talks to me when it’s necessary. otherwise it’s like she only has 3 kids. she gaslights me about things she’s said that are wrong but happened several months ago so it makes me question if she really did even say it. she put me in a hospital at 14, barely 2 weeks after my birthday. i’ve always been suicidal but never really a threat to my own safety, at least not in the immediate sense. it’s mostly long term health issues that will actually cause major issues in 10 or 20 years, but i’ve never been someone to attempt suicide or do more than scratch at my wrists or press my nails into my skin and leave indentations that last maybe 10 minutes at most, or use a rubber band on my skin. never razors or other sharp objects, never tried to hang myself or overdose. if anything i’m more of a threat to my safety now than back then but i can’t even muster the energy to accidentally overdose on pain meds let alone intentionally. she sent me away to live for a month in a completely unfamiliar place, surrounded by strangers, cut off from everyone i knew except 3 contacts i could call by phone, and letters sent in by friends. that really fucked me up and i still have nightmares about it. she blames me for our family’s financial problems. i can’t even ask for necessities without her yelling at me about how we’re broke, and yet she still finds the money to buy herself new clothes and jewelry every few months. finances have become a taboo subject for me because every time it comes up i end up on the verge of a breakdown or actually have one. i can never spend money without feeling completely horrible, not on textbooks for college, not on food, not on clothing. she regularly threatens and even jokes about kicking me out, not realizing how cruel that is knowing she thinks its a joke or a reasonable threat to make to her disabled trans child who can barely take care of himself at home let alone on the streets. she tells me i can do it if i set my mind to it. she shoves me out into situations i know i can’t handle on my own, and my fears come true when something comes up and i don’t know how to respond or continue, and i go into sensory overload and break down, continuing the circle that gets smaller and feeding my fears to the point i can’t speak to strangers on my own without her accompanying me because she’s the only one who knows what to do. the rest of my family cause me breakdowns even when they’re there or have ones themselves. i have an unhealthily dependent relationship on her that i don’t know how to get out of. she’s managed to keep my youngest brother out of hospitals despite his drug addictions and mental illness. she said if she took him away from his guitars it would make things worse for him. apparently she thought i would do just fine in one on my own. she babies him and my two other brothers, helping them with all their problems while leaving me to take care of everything myself. she sat back while i was abused by a friend and an ex who i’d been dating at the time. she also likes to make things about herself a lot. if i openly ask someone to help me, not directed at anyone, she takes it as me asking her, and goes into a 5 minute speech about how tired she is and how much hard work she’s done for all of us so i have to tell her to stop because i don’t care and it was an open question for everyone, not me asking her personally. she makes everything about her reputation, telling me any mistakes i make will ruin her reputation, as if it’s going to destroy her entire future that i dyed my hair pink before a military ceremony. one time when she talked to me about my gender identity she asked me if i was trans because she failed as a parent, as if that’s not loaded with so many shitty implications that would make me only hate myself more. she likes to talk and talk and talk, and she loves to interrupt to the point that conversations are more one-sided than a debate with a man, and when i can finally edge in a few words she’s done, moved on, doesn’t want to hear anything else even if what i have to say is important. she says she listens but if she really did then she would be more receptive to when i speak, and she wouldn’t constantly interrupt. she once blamed me for my uncle eventually walking away from a casual conversation. several times she’s told me to my face that people don’t like me because i’m negative. sure, i can be a pessimist but it also happens that my special interest is social justice. one time she told me nobody likes being infodumped on. all my autistic friends would disagree. she likes to speak over me when i bring up social justice issues for that matter. she tells me she knows better than trans people about what’s offensive and what’s not. she tells me i’m a high functioning autistic, and that functioning labels aren’t toxic, when i tell her that’s not true and it takes away assistance and agency depending on what end they decide you belong on. she tells me i don’t have autistic meltdowns or any of the “more autistic” qualities. i do but she’s never there to see them. she makes me feel bad for being outspoken when i do have the courage to speak, even though she claims to have raised me to be that way, i guess she only likes it when it furthers her own reputation. speaking of that, she’s a pastor, and extremely charismatic person with a large history in volunteering and speaking. i don’t mean that to sound like a compliment if it suddenly seems odd for me to praise her. if anything it’s a horrible thing. everyone thinks she’s a wonderful person, a strong figure and an amazing mother. an amazing advocate and ally for many communities. she doesn’t even listen to her mentally ill and trans child, but she’ll listen to anyone else. she has such a positive and credible image, and coupled with her occupation as a pastor, the public and those around her would side with her if claims about her being a bad person ever surfaced. nobody would believe me, and she would blame me for trying to ruin everything she’s ever worked for. i would be called a liar and an attention seeker because who am i, a mentally ill person with a poor public reputation that likely isn’t helped by my own mom’s hatred of me, to make such outstanding claims? why should anyone believe me? i can’t openly talk about this to anyone around her and i only have a few family members i can trust. i’m paranoid that anyone else who knows her will tell her about the things i say online because i’ve had family who’ve done it before. i hate that i can’t tell anyone.
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101 Questions with Fram
1. What is your full name? Do you have a nickname?
Framboise Zakuro. Though most of the company has taken a liking to the nickname “Fram.”
2. How old are you? When is your birthday?
I am 23 at this point. I was born on the 21st Sun of the 1st Umbral Moon.
3. Where were you born? Where do you live now? Are you patriotic?
I was born in the Jadeite Thick, located in Gridania. As for patriotic…hmn…I wouldn’t consider my feelings towards Gridania ‘rigorous’ or akin to 'devotion’…but I am fond of my homeland, yes.
4. Who are/were your parents? (Names, occupations, personalities, etc.)
I do not know my parents very well. I was raised by my older siblings.
5. Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?
I am the eighth eldest of my siblings. When I left home, there were twelve of us total. I don’t think you wish to be bored by the minutiae of my siblings respective personalities. The one thing we all share in common, though, is that we are all intelligent.
6. What is your occupation?
I am a magic user. Most people think of me as a Healer primarily, but I aim to master most of the magical arts.
7. How tall are you? How much do you weigh?
5 Fulms 11 Ilms…as for weight, er…I haven’t checked lately. I’m afraid to find out.
8. What color is your hair? What color are your eyes?
Erm…(And this is why she keeps her hair short, so she can’t really think about it.) My hair is an icy pale blue with berry-ish highlights (the blue came in as I got older…I was born with primarily berry-colored hair, which is where I got my name). My eyes are pink. Albino pink.
9. What is your race?
Miquo'te, Keeper of the Moon
10. To which social class do you belong?
Adventurer seems to be its own social class, wouldn’t you think?
11. Do you consider yourself to be attractive? Do others?
…the timing of this question couldn’t be worse. I do try to take some pride in my appearance, keeping myself properly groomed and dressed, but…well, I don’t consider myself to be above average.
As for others, well…several girls seem to think so, but they’re my friends, so I’m certain they’re just being nice.
12. What is your style of dress?
Typically it’s practicality vs. frivolity, however I tend to favor pastel hues.
13. Do you have any scars? Tattoos? Birthmarks? Other unique physical features?
Outside of my usual tribal marks, no. Some people consider my coloring unique, but otherwise, I’m rather ordinary.
14. Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?
No allergies, fortunately. As for physical weaknesses - I get cold rather easily, and start to get dizzy when there’s lightning out. I’m not very strong, though I do think I have fairly decent stamina. I just cannot carry a lot.
15. Are you right- or left-handed?
When using a staff or wand, I am right-handed. I write left-handed, however.
16. What does your voice sound like?
Japanese: Kuwashima Houko
English: Kelly Sheridan
17. What kind of vocabulary do you use?
Whatever best suits the situation, really. I was told once that you needed a dictionary to hold a conversation with me, but I believe that to be exaggeration.
18. List three quirks or other defining characteristics.
I rub the back of my neck when nervous or tense, or ruffle the back of my hair…I tend to hold my chin when I’m thinking hard.
19. How often do you bathe? Do you wear perfumes?
Every day, if I can help it! It’s one of the few luxuries these days I make time for. As for perfume, I tend to favor orange blossom, rose, or lavender.
20. What kind of facial expression do you commonly wear (dour glare, wry smile, etc)?
Wide-eyed wonder is a facial expression, right? That or a thoughtful stare.
21. Do you use body language? How?
I fear that I am quite an open book when it comes to conveying my emotions. I shy away, shrug, hunch my shoulders, the whole gamut. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it, other times…well, I just wish others would be attentive enough to pick up on non-verbal cues…
22. Do you have a commonly used saying?
Not that I’m aware of…though I’ve found myself calling others 'reckless’ more often than I’d like.
Childhood
23. What is your earliest memory?
I do not remember how it was done, but I had broken my leg when I was very tiny. One day my siblings hid my crutches from me and I had to spend the entire day crawling with one good leg until I could find them.
24. How much schooling have you had? Did you enjoy it?
Before pursuing my magic, I was taught to read by my older siblings. All other schooling was entirely self-instigated.
25. Where did you learn most of your knowledge and skill?
Primarily from the masters of Conjury found in Gridania, though I’ve been gleaning so much from the other guildmasters in Thaumaturgy and the masters of the Arcane…they don’t realize it, but I learn a great deal from my friends in the Company and, well…every day is a learning experience, when you’re someone whose calling is in nature and the life-force around us.
26. How would you describe your childhood in general?
I would rather not describe it at all, thank you. But if I must…it was noisy, chaotic, and you had to look out for yourself. Everyone had their 'favorite’ siblings, but that didn’t mean you weren’t ridiculed by them, even if it was all in good fun. I rarely saw my parents, if ever. They may have been aunts and uncles, or siblings, for all I know.
27. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Something other than “Number Eight.”
28. When and with whom was your first kiss?
…it is not common knowledge, but…(now she feels bad for lying about it)
It was shortly before I left. I had feelings for someone, but they were family. Who else would it have been? We were very insular, so…I couldn’t leave without telling him - my uncle - how I felt. Had he answered me different, perhaps I never would have left. But here I am.
29. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?
My first time time was around three years ago with my adventuring partner and co-owner of the Floating Leaves, Galen Aubrey. As of two years ago, he is no longer around, though I aim to find him.
30. Do you have a notorious or celebrated ancestor? Does that affect you?
(Fram mentally rolls her eyes. Her entire family is notorious.) No.
Influences
31. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?
Leaving home, by far.
32. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I do not think I’ve done anything worth bragging over. Perhaps becoming an archon mage, though I have much further still to go.
33. What is your greatest regret?
See: First Kiss.
34. What is the most embarrassing or shameful thing ever to happen to you?
See: Greatest Regret.
35. Do you have any secrets? If so, what are they?
If I told you I had none, you wouldn’t believe me. So instead, I’ll tell you: I have plenty of secrets. Truth always comes out in due time. This is not that time.
…and, erm…perhaps I fib a little bit about how naive I am. That doesn’t mean I enjoy talking about it!
36. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?
I suppose that depends upon who you ask. I have slain many creatures in my travels. I would be shocked if that hasn’t contributed to the wrath of the elementals.
37. When was the time you were the most frightened?
My first thunderstorm away from home. I quite sincerely believed I would be washed away or struck by lightning.
38. Have you ever traveled outside of your country? If so, to where?
I tend to stay close to those I am familiar with. If I were to travel further, I would want company.
Beliefs
39. What is your alignment?
I try to do what is right and fair for all involved. I shy away from breaking rules when I can help it. (Lawful Good)
40. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?
Primarily optimistic, I like to think? Though perhaps pessimistic in certain realms…
41. Do you believe in a god? If so, which one and why?
I believe in the existence of greater powers. Often others find themselves worshiping these greater powers as their 'gods.’ While I do not deny their existence, I do question their sovereignty.
42. Do you believe in an afterlife?
I believe in Reincarnation, if we wish to go into the specifics of what happens when you die.
43. What is your greatest fear?
That all that I am putting myself through will be for naught.
44. What makes you angry? Sad? Happy? Why?
Suffering makes me sad. Ignoring it makes me angry. Putting an end to it is what brings me joy. If you have to ask why, you are part of the problem.
45. Do you think people are basically good or basically evil?
I think people are basically selfish. You’d assume that such a quality would mean that they are evil, but everything requires balance. If you neglect self, those around you will suffer as well. I believe everyone is capable of balance, though it may require more work for others.
46. What are your views on politics? Religion? Sex?
My family either manipulated politics to their benefit, or acted starkly against them. I tend to operate independent of them, though I suppose that’s impossible after a certain point, considering the current Eorzean climate.
While I do not subscribe to a current faith, I do find religion to be something that is typically of benefit to society. If religion is what drives people to do good for others, I find the end justifies the means.
I have heard many differing views on sex. I do not find that the possibility of dying is justifiable reason to bed with anyone you fancy. After all, what if you survive the next day and regret it? You have to weigh one regret against the other, and I would rather not deal with that.
47. What are your views on gambling, lying, theft, and killing?
If someone chooses to gamble, that is their own business. Everyone lies. Sometimes it’s for their own sake. The truth always comes out, and they will have to face the consequences when it does. If that’s the choice they wish to make, so be it.
Theft is unacceptable. There are plenty of groups and parties who distribute goods out of charity. It is only a matter of finding them.
Killing and murder are different things. Both are unfortunate, while murder is something that must have its consequences.
48. How far will you go to defend your beliefs?
It depends on what’s at stake. Different beliefs can co-exist, after all.
49. How much do you value money?
I like to have enough to afford the creature comforts I’d rather not do without. But I do not feel the need to hoard all that I earn.
50. In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?
The torture and slaughter of innocents.
51. Do you believe in self-sacrifice for the greater good?
Only if you are absolutely certain it will work.
52. Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love?
…I haven’t given it much thought.
53. Are you superstitious?
Oh, no! Haha…absolutely not.
54. How much do you respect the beliefs and opinions of others?
I…believe I am pretty respectful? I at least try to be. That isn’t really a question you should be asking me.
55. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings?
I may not give the entire truth, but I always give the truth. Almost always.
56. Do you have any biases or prejudices?
I tend to favor those who exhibit some form of self-restraint. I do not find such behavior to be difficult, so I cannot exactly wrap my mind around why people would be so reckless, loud, or flamboyant.
I also tend to look down on those that are lazy. Inexcusable.
Dealing With Others
57. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
I…don’t know. (those words feel so strange coming out of her mouth) I mean, it sounds strange, but I don’t feel as though I deserve to claim that any of my family is, but I haven’t really known anyone that long, and…I don’t know. I don’t have anyone. (Which is strange. She’s never fancied herself a Lone Wolf.)
58. Who is the person you respect the most? Despise the most? Why?
There is such a fine line, how quickly love can cross-over into complete hatred, isn’t it? (That may be the best answer she has to offer.) As for respect, there are several. Perhaps what attracted me to Galen so long ago was the respect I had for him.
59. Do you have a significant other? Who?
I did, once.
60. Do you have a lot of friends? Who is your best friend?
I have several friends. Who I may feel I am closest to may not be reciprocated. I’m afraid to say.
61. How do you relate to members of the same race? Class? Sex?
I have found that I have yet to run into any other Keepers that have quite the same outlook as I do. They are usually much sharper and cunning than I am. I fear they typically run circles around me. They are usually in much better shape physically than I am, too. More ruthless, more dangerous. I really am no match for them.
I’ve noticed a peculiar dearth of Healers so far. I wonder where they all are?
62. How do you relate to members of a different race? Class? Sex?
There are too many variants to the 'race’ aspects that I could not even endeavor to answer that concisely. I seem to get on best with Arcanists, since they are the next closest thing to Conjurers. I have a healthy respect for Disciples of War, for they do something I would never be capable of.
As for members of the opposite gender, as long as they are polite and not over-bearing, I think I am able to carry a conversation with them. I’m not sure if I can 'relate’ to them, however…
63. Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened.
How does any young girl fall in love? A man, often older than you, pays you the smallest amount of positive attention, extends an act of kindness, and in a matter of seconds - minutes, at most - he becomes your world. He is none the wiser, and ultimately, all the better for it.
First love is always foolish, and nearly always doomed. It is often romanticized as some magical moment, but for me, it was poison. It was the only thing that kept me nailed to complacency, and it wasn’t until I had destroyed it myself that I was truly set free.
64. What do you look for in a potential lover?
I don’t look. Even if he were to push me, challenge me - love is for comfort and settling, is it not? There is no place for the word “love” in my vocabulary.
65. How close are you to your family?
…I am close to my family in varying degrees of intimacy. Some I would rather not engage with, others I miss daily.
66. Do you want a marriage, family, and/or children?
Perhaps when I am satisfied with the person I have become. I have not reached that point in my life.
67. Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?
I am rather fearful of confrontation, though if someone states something that is blatantly false, I consider it a duty to speak out against it.
68. Are you a listener or a talker?
…I have been known to veer on both sides of that extreme.
69. How long does it usually take for you to trust others?
Longer than I would like, and with good reason.
70. Do you hold grudges?
I do not forget patterns of behavior, but everyone gets one slight against me. After that I tend to keep at arm’s length.
71. Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?
Oh, I would really rather not. There are far better people for those sorts of roles. Zi, for one. A’Mirah, Arcene…anyone, really.
72. Do you like interacting with large groups of people?
The larger the group, the easier I blend in…
73. How well do you express yourself?
I think I am proficient at expressing myself when necessary. There are times when others don’t understand me, but I don’t think that’s my fault?
74. How quickly do you judge others?
Quite quickly. And usually–though not always–I’m pretty well on the mark. I think.
75. Do you care what others think of you?
Not terribly. I tend to keep to myself. (She totally cares.)
76. Do you have any enemies? How or why are they your enemy?
I have people I like to stay away from. Why would I ever want to mingle with unsavory sorts? I’m not sure if I would call them enemies…they would have to know who I am, for starters, and I’m just a nobody.
Personal Taste and Opinions
77. What is your favorite pastime? Color? Food? Possession?
Bathing. (Totally serious.) Aqua blue and pink (wasn’t she asked this a few times before?). Fish and other seafood.
And I have a beautiful knife with a pearlized handle adorned with jewels. It’s…rather expensive-looking, so I don’t usually pull it out unless necessary.
78. What are your preferences in arts and/or entertainment?
Culinary arts is my preference, actually. I haven’t had much exposure in most other arts, I’m afraid. I find literature to be my favorite form of entertainment.
79. Do you smoke, drink, go whoring, or use drugs? Why or why not?.
…I’ll drink something if it’s sweet or floral enough. Typically it’s if I’m too tense or if I’m mentally stumped on a problem. Other than that, I do not partake in any other indulgences along those lines.
80. How do you spend a typical Saturday night?
Either working or practicing some alchemy.
81. What is your most cherished fantasy?
To make a noticeable dent in the world’s suffering as a result of my knowledge.
82. How long is your attention span?
…admittedly not very good, unless I isolate myself. My mind never really stops going, and it’s quick to derail any train of thought I might have…Perhaps if I were to focus better, I’d be further along my studies by now.
83. Do you laugh a lot? What do you find funny?
I’ve never thought about it…I suppose I laugh when I find something amusing, or if I’m flattered by something…which is often enough, so, I suppose I do laugh more than average?
84. Is there anything that shocks or offends you? If so, what?
Oh, far too many to list. I strongly believe that there are many things that should be kept private, so when I hear people talking about their affairs in such lackadaisical ways, I find myself at a loss.
85. How do you deal with stress?
I bathe. Or read. Or–both, actually! Usually with a nice cup of rose or lavender tea.
86. How much athletic ability do you have? Artistic?
Athletic? Absolutely none. I am a complete klutz. I’ve been that way since early childhood. (See: Earliest memory.) Artistic..? Hmm…I don’t really think I have anything along those lines, either. I’m more analytical than creative.
87. Do you like animals? Do you like children?
I like both of those things very much! Enough to want to dedicate my life to protecting them.
88. Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?
Always. Plan. Ahead. Always.
89. What are your pet peeves?
…spontaneity? –And laziness.
Self-Image
90. What is your greatest strength as a person? Weakness?
My intellect is my greatest strength. My weakness is most certainly my inability to focus. (At least, this is how she sees it.)
91. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
…it’s hard to narrow it down to just one thing. I suppose that lack of focus would be a good place to start. And maybe that thing that seems to summon rain whenever I step outdoors…(but she’s not superstitious or anything) My near-sightedness would be lovely to rid myself of too, come to think of it. My inability to wear a longer hairstyle? Though I suppose short hair is more practical…oh! And it’d be nice if I could be a little more intimidating. Perhaps then thugs and rabble-rousers would stop pestering me. I’d also like to be a lot prettier. Maybe larger breasts?
92. Are you generally introverted or extroverted?
Most definitely introverted, unless around others of my profession.
93. Do you like yourself?
…well, nobody’s perfect.
94. Do you have a daily routine? How do you feel if your day is interrupted?
Nothing is routine, except for my hot bath at the end of my day. If that doesn’t happen, the morning to follow will be horrendous.
95. What goal do you most want to accomplish in the next six months? Your lifetime?
Next six months? I would like to master all of the magic arts there are to learn in Eorzea. As for my lifetime…I would like to see a time of tranquility before I die, even if it’s just within my small circle of friends.
96. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?
I cannot even begin to imagine. Perhaps founding a magic school of my own? I think I would do well as a teacher.
97. If you could choose, how would you want to die?
Peacefully, surrounded by those that I love. Barring that, saving someone else.
98. What is the one thing you would like to be remembered for after your death?
I don’t need to remembered for any one thing. I would just like to be recalled fondly.
99. What three words would you use to best describe your personality?
Diligent, studious, private.
100. What three words would others probably use to describe you?
Gullible, boring, bossy.
101. Why are you risking your life to adventure?
For the sake of knowledge, and to make adventuring less “risky.”
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Do you sit on the couch or the floor? I never sit on the floor as to me that would be extremely uncomfortable. I’ve actually been spending most of my time on an air mattress we have in the living room. I have to be on bed rest as much as I can, and so my parents put this out here for me so I don’t have to be in my room all day if I don’t want to.
How many different colleges have you gone to? I went to community college and then UC.
How much stress can you handle? Not much. I get stressed out and overwhelmed too easily.
What is something you have to do before you go to sleep every night? I listen to ASMR videos until I fall asleep.
How confident are you in achieving your dreams? You see, the problem is that I don’t have any dreams to chase. I don’t feel ambitious or driven at all. :/
Do you ever get tired of all the army stuff you see all over the place? I don’t see it all over the place, but no I wouldn’t get tired of it. I have the utmost respect for our troops.
What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? I didn’t envision me wasting away and not doing anything at all after I got my degree. I didn’t imagine my health taking over the way it has.
Have you ever disowned a friend or family member for their beliefs? No.
At what point in your life do you think you will be truly happy? Will I ever be?
Do you ever make pictures or shapes out of the markings in the ceilings? I probably have done that at some point.
Do you ever feel like your life is too boring or predictable? I know that I am. My life is very routine. A lot of people would find resting, sleeping, Tumblring, reading, and watching TV all day to be rather boring. I like the simplicity and routine in some ways as I wouldn’t want drama or anything like that, and those activities are things I do enjoy doing, but at the same time I could use some fun and good change.
Would you rather things be predictable or unpredictable? I like having some routine, but at the same time it would be nice to switch it up now and then. In a good way, that is. I don’t need any more of life’s curve balls.
Do you really think money will buy your, or anyone else’s, happiness? It would reduce the financial burden that causes a lot of stress for my family, which in turn would be a huge relief. It would allow us to travel and do things we enjoy. All of that is great. It would bring bouts of happiness, sure. Distractions. It would be trying to fill the void with materialistic items and trips. However, it doesn’t make everything else go away. At the end of the day while you’re lying out on your fancy boat or in a hotel room in a beautiful foreign country, you’re still left with your thoughts. It’s like when you’re out with friends or significant other and you are enjoying your time, laughing, and feel okay in that moment. Then you come home and it all comes crashing back when you’re alone again. It was a temporary distraction. I would still have my chronic health problems. I would still have my loneliness and my negative, pessimistic way of thinking. I would still feel like the failure that I am. Things could seem like they’re going well, but that voice in your head doesn’t shut up. Sorry to be so negative, but there’s just things that money can’t buy.
Do you think you will die happy? No.
Is shopping a form of therapy for you? Nope.
Do you have to take medication for any mental illness? Yes.
Do you believe it is possible for someone to change? Well, yes of course. If they want to change that is. It has to be for them. Even then they likely will stumble and relapse, but that doesn’t mean they can never change. It’s a work in progress. A daily thing.
What is your favorite food to snack on when watching t.v.? My favorite go-to in general is chips and dip.
Do you like looking at pictures? I like through old photos. Like from when I was younger.
Have you ever set 2 people up and it actually worked out? I’ve never set anyone up.
Are you good at persuading? I don’t know how persuasive I am. Guess it depends.
Are you a submissive person? Yes.
Do you think the professional personality tests are bogus? Well, they’re subjective for the most part. It can be hard to measure some of that stuff.
Do you believe everyone should learn another language while still a child? I mean, no not necessarily. However, that would be the best time to do it and it could be useful later on. Children’s brains are like sponges; they’re able to absorb information more easily.
How do you feel about tattoos and piercings? I don’t feel any kind of way. Not something I feel strongly about either way.
Do you care what people think? Too much.
How many dirty looks have you received today? Zero. I haven’t gone anywhere. I’ve only seen my mom and aunt so far today, and neither one of them gave me a dirty look.
If a loved one who’d died showed up at your door, what would you do? Okay I would be freaking out for one thing because that’s not something that happens. Ever. You would never expect to see someone come back from the dead, so it would be shocking to say the least. I’d be in total shock and disbelief. I’d be hesitant and wonder if it was really them, if I was dreaming, etc. Once that set in, I would probably start sobbing and hug them.
Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I don’t know what to think about mediums and such. I can’t help but feel like it’s something evil posing as your loved one, and then it opens a door you don’t want opened. However, I do believe in signs. It’s comforting, and I’ve experienced it. I also like to think they’re watching over you.
How many times have you looked at a picture and wished you were there? I can’t put a number on it, but it happens sometimes.
What is the most consecutive miles you have ran? Zero miles.
Are there any words you absolutely hate? Yes. I cannot stand p***y and c**t. I do not say either one, ever.
How many picture messages have you received? Ever? I have absolutely no idea.
Sent? Again, I have no idea. That is over a span of years of being able to send and receive picture messages.
Did you like kissing the last person you kissed or the one before that more? The last person.
What is your favorite pair of shoes that you own? I wear my black and white Converse most often, but I love my pairs of boots and my white Nikes as well.
One person people think you look similar to? My mom.
Who is the most recent addition to your contacts? I don’t know. I haven’t added a new number in a long time.
Are tongue piercings slutty? No?
What is the worst physical pain you have ever felt? Recovery after all the surgeries I’ve had. The two back surgeries and the one I had a few years back on one of my intestines was absolutely brutal.
What is the fourth picture on your phone? I’m not checking.
What is the worst thing about winter? Winter is one of my favorite seasons, next to fall. I love it. However, this winter has been especially cold for us it feels like. Not in comparison to people on the east coast and midwest, but for us it’s been really cold. I am cold all. the. time.
Where do you order your pizza? Lately it’s been Domino’s because one opened up near our house, and my dad is obsessed. We also a few local pizza places that we get now and then as well.
Do you think you would lose some friends if you gained 100 pounds? My friends aren’t my friends because of what I weigh or how I look. That would be really, really shitty.
Last cuss word you said? I think an F-bomb.
Do you usually say too much or too little? I can definitely get carried away and overshare on these surveys as you guys know. I say too much sometimes. In “real life” I say too little. I hold back a lot, and I downplay a lot. I should be saying more sometimes.
Lyrics to the song you are listening to: I'm not listening to a song.
Two things you are tired of: My health, my life.
What tv show do you wish your life was most like? I can’t think of one.
What person of the opposite sex makes you laugh most? I don’t know. Probably my younger brother.
Best purchase you ever made? I bought my first Macbook, and that was definitely the best purchase I had ever made. It lasted me a long time, and I was so excited to be able to buy one for myself.
Do you have pictures up in your room? I have a photo of me and my doggie, my Brandie girl, on my bulletin board. I bought a cute frame that I will be putting another photo of her in as well. Other than that, I have a few other things hung up but that’s the only one of me or of anything personal. The rest are pictures/posters I bought from a store.
Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? My boo Alexander Skarsgård just turned 40 if that counts.
Have you ever been caught sneaking out? No because I’ve never had to sneak out. I’ve never felt like I had to sneak around behind my parents’ back.
Does your school have any rivals? I’m no longer in school.
Which one of your friends causes the most drama? None.
How many Facebooks have you had? Just the one I have.
Who is the most inappropriate old person you know? Our family friend can be pretty inappropriate at times.
Have you ever been punched in the face? No.
When was the last time you talked to the first person you kissed? It’s been about five years.
What is the latest you have ever slept in? Until almost 3.
Do you know what your name would have been if you were the opposite sex? My mom liked the name Jesse.
Are you embarrassed to buy condoms? I’m twenty-seven years old, but I admit I’d feel shy and awkward buying that. I’m thinking the cashier is judging me or thinking like, “ooo I know what she’s doing!” Haha. I’m the same way with girly stuff and undergarments. Especially if it’s a male cashier. I don’t know, I’m weird.
Do you have to watch yourself in the mirror while you brush your teeth? Yes.
What year in your life do you think you were the least attractive? Oh jeez. I’ve never felt attractive, but I’ll give you an example of one of my worst phases. I went through a bad hairstyle phase in middle school that for some reason I thought looked okay??? I would hairspray my bangs because I was self-conscious about my appearance and my hair being messy, and my bangs would get messed up when it was windy and such. So, my genius 12/13 year old self thought, ‘hey, why not hairspray my bangs to my forehead? That will look good!’ Yikes. Too much hairspray. My bangs were so stiff and stringy and omg it was soooooooo bad. I don’t know why anyone let me leave the house like that.
Do you have any nicknames? Just Steph and Sis.
How often do you wear necklaces? I couldn’t tell you the last time I wore one if that’s any indication.
Did anything bad happen to you in August? Not in particular. Just the ongoing stuff I was already dealing with.
Do you have a morning routine? I wake up, check the time, turn on The Today Show, lie there for almost an hour (especially when it’s cold like it is), take my medicine, use the restroom, and then have my cup of coffee while I continue to watch The Today Show and Live with Kelly. That’s my morning block from 7 to 11am.
Is the first text in your inbox saved? My phone keeps all my texts already. I don’t go through and delete any.
Do you text when you drive? i don't drive, but I definitely wouldn’t text and drive. It’s. Not. Worth. It. It can wait. Anything can happen in that time you take your eyes off the road to check your phone. Anything. At the last second something or someone can dart out in the road, and you’d have no time to react. Just don’t do it.
Was the last time you logged into your email? I have my email set up on my phone, so it’s always logged in. When I get a notification I check it. It’s been a good way to keep my mailbox clean. I used to have thousands of emails because I never checked it. All of it was spam, too. I finally went through and deleted and unsubscribed from so many things. I just delete the emails I do get, so I don’t know why I even check it or care if my mailbox is clean or not, but whatever. It’s not like when I was school and had to see if any professors sent out an email, or that I have a job that requires me to check my email and be in contact with anyone. I don’t get any important emails. I do get some good coupons now and then from places I shop at that could be of use to me, though.
If you are getting up early on a saturday it's most likely…I get up early everyday, so it wouldn’t mean anything special.
What are the first 3 channels you check when you first turn on the tv? Well, I watch those two news shows in the morning that come on channel 3, our local channel that plays NBC shows. After that 7-11AM block I talked about in the morning, I always check E!. If nothing of interest is on there, I just scroll the guide to see what else is on. I pay the most attention to TV Land, Logo, Oxygen (those channels play Roseanne, so I check to see if it’s on), Freeform, Hallmark Channel, ID, or MTV.
What was your last halloween costume? Some 90s punk/alternative look I put together that day with stuff I had.
Have you discovered your passion? No.
Do you get tan in the summer? I would if I actually went outside. If I make it out to the beach at all, I get really sunburned that turns into a tan.
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