#my problems and interpersonal relationships?

[ciaonicole85]

ESCAPING INTO A SHIP

So what exactly made me latch onto the Sydcarmy ship like a leech on a water buffalo?

It was unexpected (for me)! Yes, the very first meeting between Syd and Carm did make an impact. I thought "Oooh, what's this?!" However, Carmy was/is such a mess that I quickly dismissed it. And Sydney just seemed to want his professional approval and a partner in making something great after the soul-crushing failure of Sheridan. So, the first season I personally didn't feel a mutual sexual/romantic tension, more like an automatic respect and shared goals/passions. Sydney nor Carm were obviously trying to flirt. Most slow burns on TV are 100% obvious like a Jeanine and Gregory (Abbott Elementary), Nick and Jess (New Girl), Jake and Amy (Brooklyn 99), Jim and Pam (The Office)...Until Braciole Ep. 8 that is.

S. 1 Episode 8- I won't get into everything but Carmy was desolate. Yes, he became a psycho chef and two people quit in Ep.7. However, he mourned Sydney more than Marcus. She was in his flashback/nightmare (?), then the way he told Tina that she looked like Syd (the poor pup), him texting her before opening the note from Mikey, and finally the most gorgeous locked gaze scene since Pride and Prejudice (2005). The soft lighting, the music, the colors, the mind-reading...magical. I still didn't get it initially. Silly, blind me.

Mentorship where??? Season 2 Carm and Syd's "mentorship" dynamic is pretty much over. They are true partners and spending more time together. They're dressing alike even when not in uniform, finishing each other's sentences or talking in unison. Sydney is opening up more of herself and Carm is asking to know more. They use the ASL sign for sorry with each other and no one else until ep 10. Then there's that locker scene in ep. 1 or 2, when they almost hang out just cause. However, Carmy misses the moment and there's the return of the kicked pup face. Before being on the ship I was delighted with all of their scenes and was looking forward to the food tour. They just ROCK together on screen.

Classic Love Triangle- Who's Claire? She's "Claire Bear", the prototypical "cool girl", who is willing to chase an socially awkward, wrong-number-giving man, despite being a pretty ER resident with no shortage of options. Did a CW writer get hired? Anyways, why was her presence used almost exclusively to put strain on Carmy and Sydney's relationship instead of The Bear generally? We could have had scenes with Nat, Richie, and Marcus arguing with Carmy about him being distracted due to Claire. They saved 99% of that for Sydney. They CHOSE to insert her in between or just after scenes with him and Claire. Showing Sydney's tattoos and her getting dressed with the stained chef's coat juxtaposed with them was WILD.

I LOVE that both believe their interpersonal problems are solely about The Bear/business partnership. In most "slowburns" the characters are far more conscious and actively work to keep things platonic. Jeremy might be a smidge aware that Sydney means more to him after the panic attack, but I bet he's shoved it down. All he knows afterward is that being with Claire feels wrong hence ignoring her call and recommitting to SYDNEY. He could of said "You all/This/The Bear deserve my full focus etc..." He was also nagged into greeting Claire at Friends and Family, seemed anxious when Fak brought her up right before The Table scene, and also while explaining that "she's great" to Sydney. He was at peace when focused on Sydney in the moment below.

The actors: Jeremy and Ayo's real life friendship is warms my soul and their chemistry onscreen is amazing. DON'T WASTE IT!!!

Jeremy smolders on screen. I want to see Carmy continue to stare, yearn, fall, then eventually confess and for Sydney to reciprocate his feelings. Anyhoo, does anyone else melt when Carm means business?! They do this twice in season one and it's not good for me. Whew, I need to clean my whole house or run a few miles.

Finally, there's so many other parallels between these two. They are fearful avoidants, have a missing or dead parent, jacked up stomachs, use sarcasm, but are generally very earnest, they struggle with anxiety, are compassionate, are perfectionists, peace-makers, give people multiple chances, are workaholics...so much more. A lot of that is also ME, lol.

Sydcarmy is my Roman Empire. I love them as much as you can fictional characters and they deserve the most tender, angsty, triumphant, romantic best-friends to more love story.

#get the straight jacket #I gotta clean my house now #the bear #sydcarmy #sydney x carmy #carmy x sydney #sydney adamu #carmy the bear #carmen berzatto #carmy berzatto #syd adamu #friends to lovers #slow burn #love story #word vomit #thoughts #roman empire

[nyormilt]

proper death

(has anyone noticed i barely draw the batter’s uniform the same way twice…? there’s no pattern, but sometimes i can’t be bothered to draw stripes, or add them cause they make the drawing cooler. truly, i am a deity of inconsistency…)

#off game #off fanart #the batter #off (game) #off mortis ghost #off batter #i haven’t liked my art recently #ah #depression is really unproductive… #friends are difficult…! im bad at people! #so my ideal incarnation is a puppet of destruction who doesn’t bother to mask! #the batter isn’t taking any of your interpersonal relationship shit #and that’s your problem.

[cienie-isengardu]

Hot take: It's okay that Bi-Han doesn't like Tomas. He doesn't have to see him as family or like him.

By the addition of “Hot take” I assume this is not something that fandom at large figured out by themselves yet. Can’t say I’m surprised though. Yes, it is okay for Bi-Han to not like or see Tomas as family, as no one can be - nor should be - forced to like anyone just because others (adults) expect it. That alone doesn’t make Bi-Han an evil person, even if Tomas feels rejected in the process, as each person will define what makes one a family differently. 

Their brotherhood was forced on both, as none had any say in Grandmaster’s decision to adopt the orphaned and traumatized boy (how they adapted to the situation is another matter and so far, we know more about Smoke’s process of adaptation than Bi-Han’s). We know only small bits of what happened that significant day, but so far sources - the way the informations are phased at least - feel to me like the Grandmaster adopted the boy less for Tomas’ sake and more to smother his own guilt 

[...] Having accidentally trespassed onto Lin Kuei lands, they were attacked. Smoke was orphaned. Ashamed by his warriors' actions, the Lin Kuei's Grandmaster adopted Smoke. He raised him alongside his sons, Sub-Zero and Scorpion. [Smoke’s BIO]

and/or to save his honor:

Kitana: "You are Kuai Liang's adopted brother?" Smoke: "His father's honor demanded that he take me in." 

So this is not a situation as if Bi-Han urged father to give him another younger brother and dad complied to make his son happy but once he brought the orphaned Tomas, Bi-Han decided nope, I change my mind and from on I will act as a spoiled brat that didn’t get what he wanted. Tomas did not choose to be orphaned nor to be adopted (as he himself admitted he did not think being taken in by Lin Kuei was anything good for him at that time), the same as Bi-Han was not asked by Grandmaster for approval (and even if he was, his objection apparently wasn’t taken into account as Grandmaster still adopted Tomas).

Smoke: "Father wanted us to be brothers." Sub Zero: "Yet another of the old man's foolish dreams." 

Note this: father wanted. Not hoped they will eventually find a common ground despite the not the best circumstances. He wanted to save honor. He wanted them to be brothers. Again, not sounding as taking into account what the kids wished for or needed and who knows, maybe Grandmaster wanted it so much, he pushed too hard to get the most comfortable solution for his own conscience - except Bi-Han simply never clicked with Tomas, whatever due to incompatible personalities or factors beyond their good will? I presume they all were still enough young when Tomas was brought into picture, but if Bi-Han is the eldest out of them three, then he could had his own duties that simply didn’t give him enough time to bond with the (culturally and ethically) different kid the way Kuai Liang did, again presumably, as closer in age to Tomas. 

But even if Bi-Han simply didn’t like Tomas, then it is still okay, because people can’t be forced to love or like others. Not liking someone though doesn’t give anyone the right to act disrespectful - yet so far, we only heard he was cold to Tomas but that does not necessary mean being intentionally cruel either. A human can be polite and still come off as emotionally cold (and let’s not forget that people can also be naturally introverts or fall into the autism/asocial disorders spectrum that makes it difficult to establish good relationships with strangers. We are familiar with MK1 Bi-Han for what? Maybe twenty minutes of story mode and through intro-dialogues that only gives us a sense of who he is at this point. We don’t even have an idea if cryomancer genes affect his perception of the world or behavior). 

Bi-Han as an adult person seems to come to terms with the situation to some extent and got used to the idea of an additional brother - his and Tomas relationship is tense and complicated but it is now tainted by their conscious choices, however in the past, if Bi-Han didn’t like Tomas for whatever understandable or petty reason, no one can demand from a kid to act as an adult and control/smooth their own emotions to solve the problem adults created in the first place. The whole situation wasn’t fair to Tomas and so wasn’t to Bi-Han either. 

Would it be sad to learn that Bi-Han has never liked Tomas or never come to love him the way he loved his biological brother? Yes. But not liking someone or not considering someone a family member is not a crime itself and is not an indication of being inherently evil. Be it fictional characters or real human beings, people sometimes simply don't like each other and they have the right to feel that way. Not liking each other though does not mean anyone is allowed to abuse or disrespect others, just to be clear here.

I like to think this should be obvious, but knowing fandom, it may indeed be the hot take.

#mortal kombat #my replies #bi han #sub zero #tomas vrbada #smoke #bi han & tomas #would i like them to be good bros? of course! #but i will respect if they don't like each other or if only bi han doesn't like tomas #because interpersonal relationships aren't either good or bad #some are complicated by various factors #on which some we have control while on others don't #i get that parents want their children to get along but forcing them to bond when it doesn't work is just wrong way to handle the problem #i know fandom likes to make Tomas the Cinnamon Roll #but Tomas is not some lost puppy that if you don't like him you must be the embodiment of all evil #where people ever get those ideas? Or no I don't wanna know that actually

[charliespringverse]

i just finished watching the bear last week and i loved it but i literally can't go into the tag on here bc somehow everyone has taken a story about expectations and family and pressure and friendship and teamwork and the primary way people are engaging with it is through shipping :/ like not to be a hater but even in canon the romantic subplots feel forced to me and i don't particularly like them, so seeing people latch on to that instead of everything else the show has to offer is like?? you guys care about all this?

this ‼️‼️ like i'm not immune to shipping & there are some things where i Love (& obsess over) the romances but like ,,, i cannot imagine it being The Only Thing I Want To Talk About . i don't understand how ppl can watch something that is so primarily about trauma and grief and illness and recovery and be like Ah Yes.... But When Will They Smooch........

#i have similar qualms with other things (eg i feel like a lot of young royals fanworks gloss over the class commentary & mental illness) #but at least in that context the series Is A Romance . the romantic relationship is central to the plot . #in a lot of cases i do recognise that the non-romantic subplots i'm most interested aren't actually the Cores of the show #but with the bear fuckinell it is SO individual and about personal problems and the loneliness of grief and sickness snf pressure #and the most central interpersonal bonds are the family dynamics . and how all of them come together as a Group to heal #and idk i feel like reducing all that to a romance that may or may not go canon is so ???????????? #idk man . i wouldn't even necessarily Dislike canon sydcarmy . like it's not my hc but if they did it well then fair play #but i genuinely think the fanbase would become entirely inhospitable if it was canon

[obstinaterixatrix]

[languid] people sometimes go like ‘wow stella you really understand writing romance’ (deserved) and they wonder where my insight comes from. the answer is simply to understand misery in a relational context.

#my ramblings #if people didn’t have romantic needs they wouldn’t get in romantic relationships #(broadly speaking. obv there are exceptions and extenuating circumstances) #(and I'm specifically coming from a narrative perspective.) #and romantic needs are some permutation of relational needs #therefore there is a need that must exist and a need that has to be fulfilled (or ‘fulfilled’) by the love interest #being consoled. getting support. the pressure and drive to improve. having different and more exciting problems. #the illusion of a happy future. self-flagellation. a kindred spirit. a new perspective. #literally it doesn’t matter what as long as it exists and directs the relationship in some fashion #at least for emotional relationship development #but emotional goes with physical which is what tends to fall apart with clumsily executed romances #emotional development doesn’t match physical development or vice versa #I guess not all cases of ‘having a need’ would be considered ‘experiencing romance’ but it’s good for the ✨drama✨ #siiiiggghhh I’m gonna reread some manga #just take the man vs nature man vs man man vs self framework and figure out how it manifests and develops in an interpersonal context #internally and externally #ok good night #time to talk the romos

[minici]

Just gonna rant briefly.

A three person relationship has some extra considerations, but it does not operate on wildly different principles than a couple dating. Because it is just three couples dating. They just happen to also all be dating each other. Advice on resolving arguments, asking about each other's day, etc works almost exactly the same within each couple as it would with a monogamous couple.

And guess what, the vast majority of relationship problems have nothing to do with the relationship being poly and everything to do with two individuals interacting in ways that cause friction.

#poly #6 years of being in a trio and listening to this nonsense #alskjflasdjflajflasdkfdslf #heaven forbid i ask for any advice ever #just wanted advice on how to resolve arguments fully #and keep being told none of it applies to me because i also have another partner so that means no interpersonal skills work ever apparently #okay well what did you tell my monogamous sibling when they asked about the same problem because we're traumatized in the same way? #no i promise not to use it on my abomination poly relationship. Just want to know :P #stories

[kushamiqueen]

Uhhhhhhh it's probably because it's that time of the month but,,,,,,

Should I download bumble again? Should I just... talk to men???

#not snz #Personal rant #like #smth about seeing my ex-situationship talking to girls #there IS a guy i like #but hes kinda shy and i cant tell if he would ever be into me #hes way cooler than me #hes emo and im just a poser 😭 #honestly I should get a therapist just to talk about my interpersonal relationships #because oh my God #anyway I'll stop talking #for now #actually #therapist expensive #unloading all of my problems on my long distance mother is free

[toastsnaffler]

fun sunday afternoon plans my dbt workbook arrived + I have a lecture on adhd + seasonal affective disorder to watch that I signed up for a while ago. maybe either of those will tell me how to survive this winter without killing myself 👍

#its the same dbt book ive used before but i only had a pdf before.. its much easier to navigate/use a physical copy #some of the techniques did help me to reduce bad coping mechanisms significantly last yr. so worth giving it another shot #i dont rly respond well to therapy unless its self administered bc i cant talk to ppl abt my problems + dont trust what they say anyway #its just easier independently in a written format. theyre my issues i got myself into this shit so i can get myself out of it. or not #wish i could at least exercise today but i think it is a chest infection im coming down with. so im not sure i physically can #its painful enough breathing as is. making some lemon honey ginger tea tho so hopefully thatll help #man. the fucking Misery. i hope i make it through this one. sooner rather than later preferably 👍 #.vent #.diaries #i have a book on bpd as well. i dont think i have bpd myself but some of the interpersonal issues ppl w bpd have are similar to those- #i experience so just curious whether itll have any useful advice for managing emotional instability/insecurity in relationships

[musical-chick-13]

.

#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere #like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness #but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those #people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you #and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me. #I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do. #it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all #you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point #where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being #trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point #but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest #hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger. #but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do? #if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am #an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying #over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or #neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end #then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right? #but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable? #I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!! #sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week #In the Vents #ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™ #anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted

[mishkakagehishka]

Doing the laundry. Realising there's something deeply and inherently wrong with me. Shrugging and continuing to dig around for the Perfect Clothespin. Something something adulting

#it's like. the amount of people who have called me cruel or implied i am cruel throughout my life #multiple people across many years and all agreeing on the fact that i'm cruel #i do my best to be kind and nice and i'm like certain i have empathy #but sometimes i'll say something so. normal? and instantly get called cruel #and not that i believe there's smth inherently wrong with me bc of that #but because i just. cannot understand /how/ or /why/ i'm supposedly cruel #like ''oh you'd date someone you don't like romantically? that's cruel'' i don't understand how? #granted i now know i was referring to a qpr like connection but i still don't get it because i did say if i like a person enough i don't #have to like them romantically to date them. and i don't understand how that's cruel #and all of my ideas on interpersonal relationships. in kindergarden i get called cruel by an auntie because i said i don't value #friendships to an idealistic and unrealistic degree and years later i get called cruel because i say i don't mind #not talking to someone if her friend is jealous and she gave her an ultimatum. i still don't get how i was cruel in trying to compromise #and literally seeing that i don't even matter as much to the girl in question like i'm doing you a favour here you got an ULTIMATUM #but whatever. i don't know. i don't get it at all #maybe i just have a problem of never seeing my own faults. but it's not that i'm ignoring it #it's like. i don't /understand/ at all????

[robotic-bakery]

i am going so crazyinsane right now so you know what fuck it.

thoughts on kira hayama? what do you like about him? what kind of stuff do you wish shogun steel did more with him? i wanna hear what other people think about him !

HI HIIII HELLOHELLO HAIIIIII

k so first & foremost, I wanna say sorry it took me a while to answer, I had things going on then I needed a place/way to articulate my thoughts beforehand. I wanted to format & order my thoughts in a particular way, so I'm going in order by:

design

character + as a blader

anything else

first of all, I'm a big fan of his design, specifically one of my favorite parts is how his pastels are primarily at the top of his design contrasting the darker colors of his clothes. with the exception of the area where his top shows his stomach, I find it to be a good way to utilize contrast to direct your eyes to his face/his upper body.

second, I know you've mentioned it talking about kirazyro, but I love how he's so similar to zyro yet those same characteristics make them different. For example, he’s passionate about being the strongest, he was chosen by a bey corporation to represent the future of the beyblade world, and he won’t let anything or anyone stand in the way of standing at the top of the beyblade world. However, unlike zyro, all of this is to assert his dominance over the beyblade world rather than a more genuine passion for the sport. Even then in the last episode, the way you can see his motivations morph into an intrinsic desire to establish himself as the strongest and defying the person who contributed a great amount materialistically (doji/merci giving him bahamoote) to assist in his prior want for dominance is cool!!

Another thing I’m a fan of in regards to Kira as a blader is how out of everyone else in the show, he’s the only one to my recollection that actually utilizes synchrome with two other people (golem behemoth & pegasus bahamoote). Granted it’s with two different beys, berserker behemoth and gladiator bahamoote, but the second closest aside mere suggestion is yoshio using behemoth’s warrior to make behemoth golem so I’m taking it. In fact, this point actually plays into how interesting his interactions are with those around him; how even with the people he’s closest to like yoshio, there’s still this air of distance that separates him which is pretty predominantly seen in his interactions with the other members of DNA/BTF.

Honestly, the more I think of what else they could’ve done with his character the more I’m honestly unsure about it. I guess the closest thing that comes to mind is getting the chance to incorporate his backstory into the anime so it didn’t just feel like a manga exclusive iykyim. Hopefully I managed to articulate everything to the best of my abilities in a way that’s understandable! I’m mostly worried about my point about his interactions with others, but I hope at least everything else makes some sense :D

#kira hayama I gibe you a littbe kiss on the forehead #little sqimble with some weird interpersonal relationships with others if you look at him hard enough love him for that <3 #I'm very normal about him as I am with everyone else on this show (not even remotely normal) #also in the two ppl synchrome part I have seen the series a couple of times but my memory isn't the best so I have no problem being #corrected there if I got it wrong!! #mfb #kira hayama #metal fight beyblade #beyblade shogun steel #beyblade zero g

[ruralcat]

dhdhsnam

#like i really do try and be the best version of myself and be self aware and work and grow like FR i do! #and ive had so many difficult friendships where im constantly like fr gaslighting myself into believing its me hi im the problem its me #and im so tired and drained of being in this uncomfortable and unfair situations and still in my head being like... but what if its ur fault #what if youre always the problem #and i just ... bleh #am really upset about my interpersonal relationships cause all i really truly want in this world is to be a good friend #and to have someone be a good friend to me

[alexa-crowe]

when u have an argument about flying to england for a bogus case and ur bf goes w/o u and you both regret ur actions but now ur miles apart yearning for each other but still too knuckleheaded to concede that u were wrong in that argument

#txf #this is that secret project i mention every once in a while #it's a revamp script of all things #bc i have lots of criticisms but not critiques #and they should be critiques #also im not looking for crit on this it's just to sort out my brain #so once this is done when i go ''scully and daniel's relationship was bad'' i can think back to this and elaborate with ''it being fleshed + #+ out was sacrificed for a half-assed x-file that does nothing to endear the viewer to the interpersonal struggles of the episode'' #and i can also say ''based on what little information we're given it seems very likely that their relationship was toxic and that daniel + #+ likes to pull on scully's heartstrings to manipulate her bc she's vulnerable. and maybe he's not wholly a bad guy but he's certainly no + #+ good guy who dates people his age that's for certain'' #anyways the big problem with all things is just the fact that there's an x-file #like you get rid of it and you have more space to elaborate on scully and daniel's relationship and scully's inner turmoil rearing its head #rambling #anyways. i really love it

[unproduciblesmackdown]

a post because i saw one that annoyed me:

One of my goals in thinking about redefining the way we view relationships is to try to treat the people I date more like I treat my friends—try to be respectful and thoughtful and have boundaries and reasonable expectations—and to try to treat my friends more like my dates—to give them special attention, honor my commitments to them, be consistent, and invest deeply in our futures together. In the queer communities I'm in valuing friendship is a really big deal, often coming out of the fact that lots of us don't have family support, and build deep supportive structures with other queers. We are interested in resisting the heteronormative family structure in which people are expected to form a dyad, marry, have kids, and get all their needs met within that family structure. A lot of us see that as unhealthy, as a new technology of post-industrial late capitalism that is connected to alienating people from community and training them to think in terms of individuality, to value the smaller unit of the nuclear family rather than the extended family. Thus, questioning how the status and accompanying behavior norms are different for how we treat our friends versus our dates, and trying to bring those into balance, starts to support our work of creating chosen families and resisting the annihilation of community that capitalism seeks.

A lot of the things I'm writing here go to the basic notion of what we think loving other people is about. Is it about possessing them, finding security in them, having all our needs met by them, being able to treat them in any way and still having them stick around? I hope not. What I hope that love is—whether platonic, romantic, familial, or communal—is the sincere wish that another person have what they need to be whole and develop themselves to their best capacity for joy or whatever fulfillment they're seeking.

Monogamy has stopped making sense now that I see it as an implicit agreement with someone to only have certain kinds of relationships with everyone else in your life. This basically means drawing boundaries all over someone else's life...boundaries that don't make much sense to me anymore. Just because someone doesn't have sex with anyone else doesn't mean they aren't going to be attracted to anyone else. Just because they don't label a relationship with someone in a certain way doesn't mean they aren't going to feel love for that person. It seems silly and arbitrary to draw lines in terms of physical affection. Hugging is ok, but not kissing? Cuddling is ok, but not sex? It seems even more impossible to draw lines in terms of love and feelings. 

I had never been very good at drawing lines between the love I felt for my friends and the love I felt for people I was in romantic relationships with, even when I was inhabiting the universe where those lines were made to seem very important. I was perpetually "falling for" my friends in this way that could only ever end in reciprocation or heartbreak, because in that universe I was definitely not allowed to be "in love" with my friends, especially not if I happened to be interested in sleeping with them. But in this new alternate universe I don't need those lines, and it makes perfect, beautiful sense. I can just feel however I feel about people without worrying about the way our relationship is labeled. What really matters is defining that relationship for ourselves, not for other people. What that means is having conversations about what we want, and what we are willing to give.

I've learned that I need to be straight up about how much time I want to spend with someone. I need to be specific about it. I would rather talk about how often we want to see each other and what we want out of our relationship than use labels like "primary partner" or someone I see "casually". Just because I'm not spending a huge amount of time with someone doesn't mean they don't deserve honesty, communication, and clear expectations for our relationship. This goes for friendships as well, and I would like to have way more conversations with my friends about our relationships and expectations. If in this universe I have friends that I'm in love with and lovers that I'm friends with, then why does one relationship deserve more care and attention than another? Why should we have these conversations with people that we fuck, but not with those that we don't? The people in my life that I don't have sex with aren't less important to me, so I don't want to treat them that way.

I want to do this because I want to challenge the frameworks that I am expected to base my relationships on: gender, marriage, the nuclear family. Hetero-monogamy is part of a narrative that I want no place in: the creation of an atomized family unit, whose boundary delineates the space in which I am allowed to care for others, outside of which my relationships are dominated by fear and the logic of my own self-preservation. I want to create families that are based on intentionality, affinity, and support. I don't want a family based on a role that I was born into. I feel like the only way I can really break through my isolation is to build relationships on my own terms, with my own frameworks and beliefs.

I want to resist the commodification of my body by never considering myself the possessor of someone else's, and not needing my body to be given value only through its possession by others. I want to confront ideas of sexual objectification and ownership every time I feel them rise up within myself. Any moment that someone shares their body with me is precarious and fleeting, and that shared moment doesn't give me any say in what else that person wants to do with their body (unless it pertains to my own health and safety). I also don't want to make assumptions about what someone is willing to share today based on what they shared yesterday. I am never entitled to someone else's body.

Saying 'yes' in this context means so much more than agreeing to see each other 'steadily'. At its most severe, going steady gets tied up with the tacit promise of a supposedly long-term and exclusive relationship where Joe and Molly can navigate a blueprint, building happy coupledom. By not explicitly defining what Joe means by going steady, the relationship passively slides onto tracks bound for 'a happy life together'. This slide can happen because we are all well trained in making assumptions about what the structures of a relationship are. These implied structures constitute a hetero-romantic relationship ideal which in turn translates into a minimum level of commitment, sexual exclusivity, long-term investment, nuclear family building, and much more. The overarching ultimatum of living a relationship through undiscussed and rigid relationship conventions is that either the conventions are maintained (the expectations are consistently met, the blueprints are followed) or the relationship will end in, at the very least, a romantic separation—no more affectionate physical contact, no more intimate emotional support. If the relationship does not follow and match the blueprint, Joe and Molly are left with the choice of either getting things back on track or romantic separation. Those who do not want to choose between the happily ever after and a life of romantic solitude, those who cannot or do not want to play out the blueprint, are pushed to find and create other ways of doing relationships.

Often, when rejecting the going steady blueprint we slip a little and end up rejecting monogamy. Once monogamy is unqualifiably bad, it is a pretty quick step to figure out that polyamoury is good: having a sexually exclusive romantic relationship means conforming to an archaic patriarchal and power laden script so, having an anti-patriarchal, politically conscious, and critical relationship means you should have more than one sexual partner. To be clear, I am not trying to rescue or defend monogamy. I am arguing that a preoccupation with a monogamy/polyamoury binary prevents a more useful and more critical analysis of the ends of the political potential for romantic relationships. The locus of the potential for relationships is not a reductive tally of the number of sexual partners a person can juggle at one time. The number of people a person manages to sleep with does not say all that much, however, more revealing are the questions of how relationships are structured, how relationships are political, how individual relationships are affected by norms and the capacity individual relationships have to shape new norms. Reducing relationship politics to a monogamy vs polyamoury manicheanism means dismissing other harmful norms and assumptions that are affecting us as un- or less important.

i have enough love to go around. its not a commodity. i'll make you breakfast at 5pm on a sunday night and when you leave to go to work, i'll go out dancing and make out with someone i've been flirting with for weeks. and its not sneaky and behind your back. and its not taking anything away from how i am when i see you. i might not have a lot of time, but i have a lot of love for the people in my life and i'm willing to think hard about how i distribute my time. and i'm willing to say something when i need you to hold my hand, to have my back. and i trust that you'll do the same.

and if we ever get married, we'll know that it's for immigration purposes. and if we go through periods of time where neither of us are sleeping with anyone else, we'll know it's not because we possess each other. and when we hit rocky patches and it's fucking hard and we're taking turns falling apart, we'll know that at least we've communicated enough in the past to probably deal with it. probably. because even though i'll never promise to love you forever, we've gotten pretty far and i don't have any intention at the moment to stop loving you. and that time qualifier doesn't make it less meaningful. it means that this is a decision i'm making over and over again, every time we schedule a hang out, i'm doing it cause i want to see you. cause i want to be there.

I still think that having multiple sexual and/or romantic partners is do-able, and that I could be someone's "secondary" partner again, but I think this requires hard-core honesty about needs & expectations from the get-go, and really good communication. For example, I'd rather someone say "I like you, but can only see you once every two weeks, because that's how much I'm willing and able to give this relationship" than "I'd love to hang out more but I'm just really busy", which evades responsibility and isn't clear about expectations. Plus, everyone is busy, so you make time for people you prioritize and want to see.

I also think that people need to be very careful about how they treat their "secondary" partners, and any lover, friend, roommate or family for that matter: these are not people you can just call up whenever you're lonely (unless that's your arrangement), and ditch whenever life gets to be too much.

I think it's important to constantly re-educate ourselves on these issues: so we can learn to be better in all our relationships, so we can be honest, non-jealous, and caring partners and friends, and so we can avoid, as best we can, people getting hurt, feeling pushed aside, feeling secondary.

- excerpts from “this is about more than who we fuck (and who fucks us).” zine

#i.e. i see a post abt romance that of course is gonna be annoying to me? a dialogue... #sounded like an interpersonal problem of ''so when you're venting abt wanting a romantic relationship you just want listening rather than #any proffered solutions'' but spun into ''ugh i'm sick of society invalidating / deprioritizing desire for romance'' lmao is it doing that.. #Well I'm About To Be Sickening #and add op's choice to describe suggesting focus on nonromantic relationships as ''infantilizing'' like uh. perhaps dismissive; patronizing #quite a Particular Word Choice....so i'm like well what's enough of the opposite of what's going on here #that is: par for the course vague desire for romance with a perspective that's barely analytical & weirdly so? #i know the queer / relationship anarchist quotes are out there....then i find this zine like fun i'll peruse that. then i make this post. #and here we are today for our fun and enrichment #The General Wisdom of Aromantic People would've also counted. like clearly this doesn't touch directly much on aroaceness as is relevant #to me / my personal wavelength. but it's The Same Matter of autonomy. the autonomy to date someone / have sex? = the autonomy Not To. #anyways just transforming irritation into having some fun collecting quotes #long post ///

[adanedhel]

i miss actually being active in the fandom and creating art and writing and interacting with people 💔 2 years ago i was so full of creative energy what happenedddd

#text #toxic household and no laptop and no access to my desktop is what happened actually #toxic as in literally the place had an invisible mold problem in the walls lol #but also 100 chaotic interpersonal relationship problems #no healthy outlets

[pleaseshootthejester]

Writing a resume when I have to will to live is such a bad idea lmao

#experience working effectively and empathetically with individuals with mental health problems to help them problem solve and overcome #barriers in their lives and interpersonal relationships #its me im talking about myself lmao #this is actually my job why am i allowed to do this as a job??? #you start working in services and realise that every therapist you've ever seen is probably NUTS #every support worker needs a support worker #i live in supported housing an d #i AM A SUPPORT WORKER #????? #i know an OCD specialist with thE WORST CONTACT OCD AND HEALTH ANXIETY IVE EVER SEEN #its crazy man like none of us should be doing our jobs its objectively not a good idea but we're the best people for the jobs m #lmao #i go shopping with my clients and then come home and eat toast cus i cant shop for myself cus i forget without prompting #care really is the wild west of the job world lmao