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rosieblower · 4 years

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Does University Affect Student Mental Health and Wellbeing?

After being accepted to University, there are a few things that you need to do: register to classes, register with a GP, receive vaccinations, join societies, attend freshers fares, adhere to your new timetable, complete mass amounts of holiday tasks and eventually move in. It was an overwhelming possibility at the time. Still, my parents and I packed everything I owned into my surprisingly spacious, blue ford ka and set off to begin my new life. There were more storage boxes than I could count, the smell of polystyrene packaging lingered and an essential full length mirror split the vehicle in half, so mum and dad had to talk over it to ask me how excited I was.

Before I had chance to answer, we were at my accommodation, unpacking my possessions and greeting my new flat mates. My family, who I had lived with and seen every day of my life until now, proudly said goodbye and that these would be ‘the best years of your life’. I stood in the kitchen with six little chairs, six little cupboards and six little shelves in the fridge, where I would learn to cohabitate and I was unsure whether to feel ecstatic or scared. Instead I felt naked; all that covered me was a complimentary hoodie and a lanyard. I embraced it. I had been identified as a fresher and I intended to live like one. Even after summer, the fun shouldn’t stop so every day went something like this: 2pm wake up 3pm crawl to lecture 4pm go home 5pm see flat mates 6pm nap 7pm get ready 8pm pub 9pm pres 10pm pre drinking 11pm trebles (triple shots for the price of one) 12pm club 1am deep chats in the smoking area 2am after party 3am Maccies 4pm bed.

The University lifestyle consumed me as I attempted to survive, Bear Grills would not be impressed. My exiting English and Drama degree saw no routine, sleep, socialisation or food for weeks. Relationships broke down as quickly as I built them because freshers make friends then disappear for the holidays and we disperse all over the country like a millennial virus. I had never suffered from mental health problems before however, most of my friends were open about this and it allowed me to question my internal thoughts. Despite the struggle, I was educationally productive by devising pieces and throwing myself into work. One exercise occurred early morning for a workshop to help inspire ensembles to create their own piece, in which I and three others were chosen. One student walked an imaginary grid around the studio, one in slow motion, one speaking in a different language than myself, who was running to and fro whilst being prompted to improvise a monologue. It was based on the colour red. Connotations of love, fear and flowers popped into my head and out my mouth, as sweat rolled down my cheeks. I spoke about the taste of my mother’s cooking, how I was homesick because my friends were there and how relationships are irrelevant when you look at the bigger picture. They say the greatest thing you can do is move from your home town as it puts life into perspective. They tell you how wonderful life will be but not about the overwhelming need to visit your dog. Time passed as I scaled the room and an applause from my peers erupted once the other members of my group placed their arms around me. I only registered silence. This was now my coping mechanism... although I was unashamed to ask for additional support.

Entering The Student Wellbeing Center, I felt like a contestant on Stars in Your Eyes. ‘Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be...’ I step out of the lift; the cloud of smoke fades and a horseshoe shaped desk appears with sympathetic faces staring back. I approach Jackie with my fingers in a twist and she thankfully speaks first ‘hello, how can I help?’ I tried to form an answer in my head before tears reached my lips. ‘I’m not really sure; I’ve never done this before.’ The bitter taste of salt allowed me to compose myself as the woman spoke ‘I’m afraid you’ve come out of hours but if you let me scan your student card I can give you some information that may help you’. She handed me a leaflet and I hurried out of there, hoping no one I knew could see me.

The University of Lincoln Student Wellbeing Center offers counselling, academic support, multi-faith chaplaincy and documentation of your visits. Unknowing to me at the time, their drop in sessions are 12-2 Monday to Friday. Their website states ‘University life can be a fantastic experience, but it also comes with its own challenges, see what support is available here.’ It aids all students of diverse backgrounds from each gender, class and ethnicity. Upon contact I was informed ‘any questions would need to be processed and emailed to head office before being published’ and as they are understandably busy, their lack of response allowed me to carry out my own research. When asked ‘has University affected your mental health?’ in a 2019 poll on social media, 908 students voted yes against 93 voting no. This phenomenal response of a closed question shows the scale in which students are suffering from thoughts of self harm, negative ideas and the stress of deadlines. The question caused controversy as some students assume everyone agrees whereas other public members were open to further questions and contacted me with support. It must not be ignored that mental health effects all ages and social groups as an MQ landscape analysis 2015 found ‘1 in 4 people experience mental health problems each year – nearly 15 million people’. To gather an understanding of this population and unpick internal or external factors, I decided to meet those who suffer with mental health problems.

The library is a hive of potential and knowledge with students who gather to create a buzz. Between the honeycomb walls I have built a trust with two individuals who have openly shared their mental health experiences to help others however, their names have been changed for protection purposes. I met Chloe and Ross on my course and from a gendered perspective; they seemed like a good place to begin my research for finding ways in which university affects mental health.

I begin with Chloe by asking if the first year of university impacted her mental health; ‘At first I was in a better mental health state as I had problems at home and moving gave me the independence I needed, then as the year went by it started to deteriorate’. I thought back to when I had my jabs at the student medical center to avoid fresher's flu then the nurse slapped a plaster on after... asking this question felt a bit like that. Chloe continued ‘during freshers I was spiked and sexually assaulted which hugely affected my mental health’. I was already aware of these events; I had been at the other end of the phone when dark thoughts had crept into her head... it was just as hard hearing it the second time. I understand the appeal of £2 mixers in the club, but is it worth it when you leave wrapped in ambulance foil, looking like a jacket potato because someone has spiked you? On the plus side, £4 for two VK’s seems like a safer bet, as you can be more vigilant and protect yourself with a thumb over the head of a bottle. The need for recreational drugs shouldn’t give in to peer pressure and if you take them, it should be your own choice. The basics: always travel in groups, never walk home alone and don’t shit where you eat.

I find comfort in the next question, ‘did you seek help and if so, was the student wellbeing center useful?’ I ask. She thinks for a moment. ‘The waiting times are too long for a consultation. When I went to them, they were disorganized in sorting the appointment as they said it wouldn’t benefit my personal mental health issues’. Instead, she visited the University of Lincoln Student Health Centre where she was prescribed an initial dose of Mirtazapine: 15 mg orally once a day at bedtime. Side effects include loss of appetite and drowsiness alongside the recommendation of avoiding alcohol which impacts social ability if you’re a student. On the other hand, when asked what advice she would give to students who are suffering, she states ‘definitely get help when you feel yourself slipping. You don’t want to go too far.’ I wonder how such a small person handles such problems; I commend all 5ft 2 of her.

On his feet sits a pair of Dr Martens, fishnet tights and black attire stretches the length of his body. As a confident young man and aspiring actor, his assurance was affected when he started University as his friend died of Leukaemia which heightened his depression. Ross states that ‘coming to Uni has damaged my anxiety. I freaked out meeting new people and being in a different environment’. He adds ‘the first few weeks of university were uncomfortable but other than social drinking I wasn’t reliant on substances and improved my mental health on my own.’ Ready to further my education, University was the fresh start I needed therefore, I found it difficult to understand how Ross could move on from such a traumatic event.

Also, I couldn’t help differentiating the response between Ross and Chloe. I pointed this out to him and he nodded in response ‘men speaking about mental health has become a less taboo subject within society however, the practical mind-set some men inhabit, creates barriers.’ I asked him how he felt about seeking help as he shares his experience. ‘I didn’t go (to student wellbeing). I didn’t want to. I have a stigma that I can do this on my own. I sit and say I’m not alright to my friends but that’s about it’. His response supports the statistic that ‘In the UK, men are three times as likely to die by suicide as women. In the Republic of Ireland, the rate is four times higher among men than women’. This reminds me that some students are silent sufferers whereas other students have the confidence to become advocates for mental health awareness as it makes others less conscious when speaking out. University is a social construct and an unnatural situation so there is no wonder some students feel like a fish being asked to climb a tree. I support both personalities when approaching the subject of mental health.

Upon reflection I wrote this article in hope of self discovery, to empathise with others and to acknowledge the scale of this issue through research, facts and statistics. Although this piece seems to address first year students and their parents who may only identify the amazing, life changing experience of university, it is also a possibility that your child locks them self in their accommodation and doesn’t come into contact with anyone for days. This struggle applies to all audiences as every individual has good and bad days or negative thoughts without reasons behind them. The point is to check on your friends, even the ones who seem fine. From a young age we are shielded from the reality of suicide in society and the build up to this is ignoring mental health. The afore mentioned services appear in all Universities and they should be used alongside personal tutors provided by the faculty and the Student Help Desk that will address smaller issues such as losing your student card or solving timetable problems. From experience, first year is adapting, second year is the realisation of achieving deadlines that matter and third year is the worry of a dissertation. Despite the pressure, acknowledge what you have achieved and embrace the experience, because every day is a blessing when you struggle with a mental health problem.

By Rosie Blower

If you have been affected by any issues mentioned in this article please find support by visiting the student minds website: https://www.studentminds.org.uk/findsupport.html

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rayarayne · 3 years

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Work keeps you busy.

I am sorry I haven’t been able to keep in touch with loved ones throughout my journey. This kind of life, the life of an entertainer keeps you really busy. My schedule is really hectic sometimes. In front of the camera or on stage somewhere my work hours are always all over the place. Being in a production sometimes requires me to be there from 8am until 8pm with 1 hour for lunch and 1 hour for dinner, and take 5′s in between, six days a week, I barely have time to do my laundry. So, that means on my ONE day off there is cleaning, laundry, (little) grocery shopping and then the work weeks starts all over, that is when I am talent, in between gigs I work on the show behind the scenes as a part of the crew. Behind the scene is worse. Tech crews know this. As a part of the crew I am one of the first ones on set and the last one to leave, and those hours are 4am until 2am the next morning. So, sleep, I barely get any behind the set, and in the show, sleep, that is all I have time for when I am in a show. I don’t have time for being social, but this was a while ago, “everyone” didn’t have cell phones and computers. Now with social media, cell phones, and computers, there is no excuse, right. So, let’s keep in touch family and friends. Love you.

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jeremystrele · 3 years

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A Day In The Colourful Life Of Influencer + Entrepreneur, Flex Mami

A Day In The Life

by Sasha Gattermayr

Lillian Ahenkan (aka Flex Mami) in her Sydney apartment. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Flex moved into her Lidcombe apartment six months ago and began decorating in a style she calls ‘modern maximalism’. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Flex has over 133,000 Instagram followers who she connects with every day via the platform. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Though it’s all online, there is a lot of physical work that goes into digital content! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Since branching into product design, the Flex Mami universe has expanded to the Flex Factory. Its hero product are the popular ReFlex cards, a conversation card game. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Her days include but are not limited to podcasting, product design, admin, content creation, digital marketing and meetings (so many meetings!). Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

The myriad of products available from the Flex Factory. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

The decoration scheme in Flex’s place contains nods to the Memphis Group and 80s Italian design. ‘My aim has always been to curate and create a sanctuary that reflects the inside of my creative brain. It doesn’t have to match or follow a theme, but my design choices are intentional.’ Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Lillian Ahenkan (aka Flex Mami) is a multi-hyphenate in every sense of the word. ‘I definitely gave myself permission to be a jack-of-all-trades and a master of none,’ she says. Currently, she has TV host, author, podcaster and DJ listed in her Instagram bio. But throw in influencer and entrepreneur and you have a better idea of what her job entails.

According to Flex, an influencer is ‘a person who gets paid to be themselves due to the online following they’ve created’. Being genuine is the only thing that matters, and you can’t fake authenticity. And for Flex, the key to a successful transition from straightforward influencer, to recognisable brand and business owner has been her uncanny ability to connect with her audience. Dishing out disarmingly direct advice to her legions of fans, and wisdom on everything from systemic racism to sexual encounters, Flex is a guru for the modern age.

Flex’s recent foray from solely digital media to product design involved the establishment of Flex Factory, a physical home base for all the constellations in the Flex Mami universe. From that HQ, she’s sold everything from chicken salt to cushion covers, but now the focus is primarily on her ReFlex conversation card games.

‘I’m extremely spontaneous and impulsive, and perhaps a bit of an opportunist,’ she explains, but even chance is part of her strategy. She describes the way she leverages her skills and resources to create an advantageous environment, then sets mini goals and strategic steps to convert those orbiting opportunities. There’s a whole solar system involved!

At the end of the day, it’s a combination of hard work and inimitable star power that got Flex to where she is now: an in-demand media personality and successful entrepreneur. There’s no one quite like her!

First Thing

I wake up between 10am and midday, and the first thing I do is check my phone. I function well in the mornings but I’d prefer not to; I’m a night person. I go to sleep between 2 and 5am. I like the silence and the lack of distraction at night.

Morning

The time I start work depends what job I have on the day. If it’s a shoot, sometimes 8am. If it’s Flex Factory, I might pull a 12pm – 8pm shift. I generally do some emails, admin, or responding to social media comments. A hot shower and a golden passionfruit juice is my morning ritual!

Lunch

I generally wake up at lunch, so my first meal is usually late arvo, closer to dinner. Something carb heavy or sugary. Chips. Burger. Fruit! I love a little fruit moment.

Afternoon

My typical afternoon tasks are creating content, answering emails or product development. I do not feel energised in the afternoon (it’s a slog!), but it’s a good time to get meetings out of the way.

Evening

I never really finish work. The only time I not working is when I’m asleep, unfortunately. Maintaining social media engagement is tiresome. I do something creative to unwind, like sewing clothes, playing with clay, making home decor items or watching people do these things on Youtube. I switch off by watching hours and hours of TikToks.

Last Thing

I usually go to sleep between 2am – 5am. I can function on little sleep, but I LOVE sleeping. I love feeling well-rested.

Packing orders at the Flex Factory! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

ReFlex cards are the main product! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

There isn’t a monochrome palette in sight. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Everything she touches turns to gold! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Right now I’m listening to, watching, and reading…

Listening: Pip Millett

Watching: ‘Behind Her Eyes‘

Reading: Midnight Breed series by Lara Adrian.

I get my best work done when…

I can do it alone, uninterrupted.

My productivity tool/tip is…

Just start. Really.

A philosophy I live and work by is…

Do what you like, not what you can.

Something I’ve learned the hard way is…

Trusting that others have your best interest at heart is a slippery slope. Open communication and hard boundaries will do you a world of good.

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thedeskside · 7 years

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Keep Your Morning Routines Away From Me

I'm so tired of reading and skimming through articles like "5 Ways to Ace your Morning Routine", or "Do This Every AM to Be Successful".

Okay, how about NO!

I am not a morning person. If I'm up before 9am I'm nauseous for the rest of the day, and rendered completely useless. I am a floormat of a person in the morning. I'm a cranky, walking blob if I'm up at 10am and haven't had a coffee.

Morning routines are great, for morning people. I will never EVER be someone who willingly wakes up at 5am and raves about it. And frankly, I find it annoying when people do. Good for you for getting most of your work done before 1pm. That's fantastic!

But guess what? People are not like you! I am most productive between 1pm and 7pm. I get most of my writing assignments done between 3pm and 8pm. I brainstorm some fabulous new ideas around 9 or 10pm. I jot down floating thoughts at 12 or 1am. I will probably get to bed by 2am on a decent night. However, I NEED 10 hours of sleep. I'm not a decent human being with only 8 hours under my belt. My body needs more, that's just how I have always been.

Go ahead, label me lazy if you want. But the truth is even if I go to bed at 9pm, I'm not waking up until about 8:30am. My body will not naturally awaken before then. And if I am up at 8:30 am or even 9am, then you can bet your ass that I am taking my sweet time finding coffee, reading emails, sorting through the hundreds of daily articles that are roaming my Google alerts, and so on.

I probably won't even start hashing out "real" work until 11am. And even then, this rarely involve writing which is my main source of income. I really can't work my brain into writing mode until 1pm--the earliest!

I'm more of a night owl. That's just how I work best. I'm so sick and tired of reading what billionaires and millionaires recommend doing every morning. Guess what, we all have 24 hours in a day. That has never changed, and will always stay the same. As long as you use your time in a way that works for you, why should it matter whether you're up at 6am every day or casually wake up before 12pm?

As someone who has never been a fan of mornings, I have to say that I loathe running into such articles. They're lies. Certain things work for certain people. You need to be comfortable with leading yourself, and working your day the way you need to.

Even as a child in elementary school, getting up at 7am was really hard for me. Now, as an adult, I've come to realize that working remotely is my best option. I am loner, and I love it. If a client can only do a call at 9:30am, then I make it a point to accommodate them…but I will surely be taking a nap after.

Forget a morning routine, and adopt a "Work Day Routine" instead. Ever since making the jump to becoming a full-time freelancer, I honestly haven't looked back. Sure, the security of my 9-to-5 was nice, but it didn't make me happy.

#career #freelancer #morning routine #rant

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mystorymylifemywords · 6 years

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Back In The Day

The day before Thanksgiving has always been my favorite day of the year. It’s not because my parents would take me out of school. It’s not because food was on my mind. It’s not because of the extended weekend. It’s because my family would drive from Pittsburgh to Hempstead, NY to see my Grandparents, whom we affectionately called “Grandma and PapPap New York.” I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal to a lot of you, but it was a huge deal to me. The trip was a grand production. Dad would rent a van, later they bought a van, remove the middle seat, and put a blanket and pillows on the floor so my sister and I could sleep and/or play. They would get arrested for doing it, today, but back then, it was never a problem. Actually, I surprised we never got pulled over during those trips. Although, when got to a toll booth, my Mom would always tell us to lay down on the floor and be still so we wouldn’t be detected by the toll collectors. As a grown man, I’m not sure if she was having fun with us or if she was really worried about the repercussions. I don’t want to ruin the funny memory, so I’m never going to ask…. Speaking of getting pulled over…. My Dad was a notorious speed demon. He had more speeding tickets than Liz Taylor had husbands! Ok, that’s a dated reference. He had more speeding tickets than Fetty Wop has baby mamas. That’s better. Anyway, he never went the limit, but he always seemed to go at a normal clip when we were in the car. It’s probably because my Mom is in the Hall of Fame of backseat drivers. “George, you’re going too fast!” “George, slow down!” “George, you have a lead foot!” I mean she would let him have it, but she rarely complained during these trips, aside from one time. On our way back from New York, my Dad was on a mission. He would not stop. That’s a lie. He would stop, but it had to be scheduled. He would stop when he needed a bathroom break or when we got to Carlisle to go to Ponderosa or Hoss’s. This trip was different. My sister may have been 1 or 2 years old and she wasn’t feeling well. She loaded up a diaper with poop that smelled so bad, it could’ve been confused with a biological attack. Now, we were stuck in the car with this terrible smelling diaper. Not too long after that, my Mother was imploring him to pull over. “George, we need to stop! The baby isn’t feeling well. We need to stop!” Over and over he kept asking him to stop, but Dad was in another world. I’ve seen it happen on few occasions when riding with him. He gets in the zone. It’s not a normal person zone. This zone was like Kobe Bryant’s 81-point game against Jalen Rose and the Raptors. He simply could not be stopped and blocked out all ancillary sound. It bit him in the butt at the end, though. My Mom pleaded and pleaded with him to stop until the worst sound a baby could make was heard emanating from my sister’s mouth, along with 10 pounds of vomit. She ralphed, everywhere! It was on my Mom, it was on her, it was on the seat, and it was on the floor. It was projectile vomit straight out of The Exorcist. Luckily, this was one of the few times the middle seat wasn’t removed from the van, so I was protected, but that smell would’ve choked a donkey! So now, we are in a vehicle with two biohazards and a sick baby (of course she felt better after all that mess was out of her system). Finally, my Dad stopped at a rest station in Midway, PA so my Mom could clean herself, my sister, and the backseat. As was the case with each time we went off schedule, my Dad called my Grandma to tell her what happened. If we were ever late getting to her house or getting home, she panicked. Typically, it was never a problem for us, which was all the reason for my Dad to call. He knew Grandma would be upset if we didn’t fall into her perceived window of arrival, which was always accurate. I was witness to my Grandma throwing a fit at my Aunt and cousins for coming to her house late and significantly after the time they told her. It was a Lewis family holiday tradition. If they said they would be there at 8pm, don’t expect to see them until 2am. Of course, I could never stay up late enough to see them arrive. I loved seeing my Aunt and cousins. The age gap between us is significant, all 3 are old enough to be my mother or father, but that didn’t effect the bond and love we have for each other. Seeing them is a treat. I never understood why it took them so long to drive from suburban Philly to Long Island and why we always got there before them. It was 2-hour ride when my Dad and I made the trip while I was in college in the City of Brotherly Love while the trip from Pittsburgh took 7-8 hours. I don’t know one of my cousins, who will remain nameless, accidentally drove south on 95 and ended up in Delaware, not New York. I still don’t know how she pulled that off after making the trip her entire life. Anyway, after Mom cleaned everything, we piled back into the car to make the final few hours’ drive home, but a bad trip got worse. The car wouldn’t start! After all of that, the car wouldn’t start! Years later, I think my Dad had an inkling about something going on with the van. Yeah, it was rental, but I think he didn’t want to stop because he knew it may not start again. So, our 7-8-hour trip turned into a 10-12-hour trip. My Mom called the rental company to tell them what happened and the lady who took her call was not very pleasant. You have not seen an upset woman until you see my Mom when someone talks down to her. She was livid! After the day she was having, that was the last thing she needed, plus you don’t talk to someone in that manner when your company gave a customer a lemon. My Dad straightened it out, eventually, which lead to a letter to the rental company signed by the one of the heads of his employer, a nationally renowned paint brand whom my Dad was one of their most promising chemists. When he told me about the phone call he received, he looked like Lex Luthor after winning battle with Superman. The COO of the rental company called him, directly, to apologize about the service. At that point, I knew my Dad was someone of importance at his job. I also knew how much he loved and cared about his wife. He always defended her when he knew she was being wronged. He taught me a lot about being a man and taking care of your family, especially your wife, during that story. Back to the tradition of the trip.... My Dad was an electronics and music geek (My sister and I get the latter and former, honestly). He always needed to have the latest and greatest gadgets and music, especially during long trips. On multiple visits to Grandma’s, he would bring his Sony Discman, an expensive, novelty purchase, at the time, and all the newest CDs. Dad loved jazz, new age, and R&B. I can still remember listening to Janet Jackson’s “janet.” and Hiroshima’s “East” while going over the Verrazano Bridge with all its lights brightening the night sky. It’s an awesome and relaxing memory. Now, to keep the CD player from skipping, my Mom would take a couch throw pillow and put it under the device to absorb the bumps. To say it was a genius idea would be an understatement! When we would get to the Hempstead Turnpike, I could feel the anticipation rising in my body. I was just giddy with excitement because I was going to get to see my Grandma and PapPap. I loved them so much and I know they loved us, too. Their love was palpable. I mean you could literally feel their love entering your body and wrapping you with their embrace. They were unique and special people. I’m so fortunate to be able to call them family. I know a lot of people gag when they hear the name “White Castle,” but trips to the fast food restaurant known for their sliders was part of our family’s Thanksgiving trip tradition. We would stop at the location off the Hempstead Turnpike, order a bunch of burgers and fries at the drive-thru, and then take them to Grandma’s house. Yeah, they would stink up the car, but nothing stunk so good! After that stop, we were one step closer to Grandma’s house. One step closer to breaking out the food on the kitchen table and satiating our hunger while Grandma watched us eat from the four, small stairs that led to the bedrooms and bathroom off the kitchen. Dad would always say, “Mama, you want something?” She would reply with a smile a mile wide, “No, thank you, Juni…,” but would eventually pick at some fries. Grandma never called my Dad by his birth name. He was always Juni to her and the rest of the family. Technically, he wasn’t a junior, but my PapPap’s name was George and as was my Uncle’s, so my Dad needed to be called something else simply to cut down on the confusion. When we would pull up to the house on Rose Ave, my Grandma would be standing outside, waiting. Like I said, she always knew when we would arrive. It was an amazing skill! I would run from the driveway, over the stiff, but soft, Bermuda grass to hug my Grandma New York. I can still hear her Jamaican accent with hints of Manhattan and Queens thrown in. After we gathered our things from the car and put them in the bedroom, we would go downstairs and say hi to PapPap New York. My sister and I never saw him walk or heard him speak a clear word. A massive stroke took away most of his motor skills and strength 2 years before I was born. When she was 4, my sister, eight an air of youthful ignorance, was asked to go downstairs and say, “good morning,” to PapPap. She quickly responded, “Why? He doesn’t say anything to me!” The laugh that came from the house was so loud, I’m surprised we didn’t hear anything from the neighbors. The baby had no idea he couldn’t speak to her, but she knew something wasn’t right. She knew you’re supposed to speak when someone says, “good morning.” It wasn’t the only time my sister honest innocence caused raucous laughter to fill the house. She was always good for comic relief during those trips, even when she had no idea what was going on. I miss those days and those trips. I miss the family who is no longer with us, my Dad, my grandparents, my cousin Eddie, my Uncle Eric (The E in Kyle E.), and my Uncle George. That day, Thanksgiving Eve, taught me how much my family’s love means to me. When we would leave, after 5 days of love and laughter, we all would cry as Dad pulled away from the driveway while Grandma stood on the lawn, waving to us with tears in her eyes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I’m thankful and glad it’s resonance always allows me to, virtually, go back in time, anytime. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

#family #thanks #thanksgiving #memories #roadtrip

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failing-at-every-thing · 6 years

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Meds update!: Me and my doc play a lot of email tag, so the time between my adderall running out and having a great new dosage filled was almost a week. I struggled to function on most days, I did not have any of the focus needed to use my planner or communicate well, and I was experiencing some withdrawal symptoms without my meds. I quit doing updates and didn’t reach out to talk to anyone since these things really made my depression take over hard. Sorry to all my friends/family I’ve ghosted on this week, I was not taking the sudden change back to my typical symptoms very well. Medication wise, I have only taken the new dosage on workdays so far, and with clear-cut tasks and structure, I really blossom on this dosage. Treatment hasn’t removed the wall in front of me, but it did give me a ladder and I am climbing it well! HOWEVER!!! Like I said, I did lose my footing this past week, and once I got my ladder back, I totally forgot to ACTUALLY CLIMB IT. I had my first dosage *ever* yesterday where I would be completely unsupervised/unscheduled for several hours immediately after taking ADHD meds. In my whole 25 years of life, I have NEVER been alone while they work their magic. I did not anticipate AT ALL what would happen when my brain is driving at 100mph, but there’s no road and no map. 🌻Story Time🌻 I made a loose schedule/list of tasks before Dan went to work. I only had the alarms on my phone and the list as my structure. This was my day. Expectation: When dan leaves at 3-4 ish after picking me up from work, remember to take meds. Reality: Dan goes in at 5, this has always been the case, I do not know why I would ever think otherwise. Lose track of time and take them at 5. Expectation: Make to do list after taking meds. Reality: This actually happened! Great start, but definitely not the best method for me in hindsight. Expectation: At 6pm, write a short email to a printing company about having some work checklists printed. Easy and short task to get momentum, high payoff. Reality: At 6pm, write the first draft of this email in ten-ish minutes. Be aware of my tendency to forget things, proofread it. Expectation: At 7pm, walk to the gas station for quarters to do laundry. And a snack. Reality: At 7pm, I realize the email is way too long, tedious, and rambling to subject any stranger to it. I can’t send it like this. Condense the info. When the alarm goes off to leave, I ignore it. Expectation: At 7:30, put laundry in. Reality: 7:30, I’m still reducing down my email, but realizing I should pull myself away. Ignore alarm because no quarters. Text a few people to make plans and check in on em, check my notifications, relax. I’ll finish the email by 8 probably. Expectation: 8pm, take a shower and eat. Reality: 8pm, back to the email! Ignore the alarm, I don’t even read what it’s for, I’ll get it done eventually. I should note that I love sitting on the balcony and have been here since 5. I am getting a lil chilly. Expectation: 9pm, watch some wholesome How It’s Made while wrapping birthday gifts. Reality: 9pm, almost done with condensing! Just a few more tweaks and it’s professional, courteous, and easy to read. Expectation: 10pm, fold laundry and continue relaxing. I’ve been working super hard this month and I deserve a peaceful night. Reality: 10pm, alarm goes off for laundry folding. I have no laundry to fold and the gas station is closed. Just finish editing the email, OK BUDDY Expectation: 11pm, make sure all scissors, knives, delicate things, meds, etc. are put away safely since Lydia will be sleeping over soon. Reality: 11pm, absolutely freezing and I go inside to use the lil girls room. So many things have been ignored at this point, so I just ignore this alarm too. Being overwhelmed makes me buckle down to get it sent out. Expectation: 11:30pm, sleepy routine! Cup of sleepy time, unisom possibly, and blankie time- the best time. No more alarms. Play an app and be asleep around 12. 😴 Reality: 11:30pm- still in bathroom. I did stand up but I haven’t moved past hand washing, even the door is still closed. Doing the ACTUAL last proofread, and finally satisfied. Send. Task #1 ✅ Expectation: 12am, be asleep. Reality: 12am, go over list. Prioritize birthday present wrapping to start somewhere easy. Expectation: 1am, be asleep. Reality: 1am, I have finally found most of the presents and can begin. I lose things a lot and everything had also arrived while I was unmediated. Expectation: 2am, be asleep. Reality: 2am, Dan is home. Stop wrapping and tell him about my day. Expectation: 3am, be asleep. Reality: 3am, everything is really basically wrapped but I love putting effort and love into wrapping. Write little cute and fun cards! Make Dan’s weird! Make my grandma’s funny! Make my cousin’s super cute! Put some effort into really cute decorations for the boxes to make their days *extra* special! Task #2 ✅ Expectation: 5am, be asleep. Reality: 5am, Dan’s playing a video game quietly while I clean up the paper and ribbon mess. He looks over and says “oh no, it’s like 5am” Expectation: 6am, have SIX hours of sleep in and be still sleeping. Reality: 6am, realize I forgot to eat all day, exhausted so I have sleep for dinner. Now, looking back, this was insane. None of the tasks were hard, time-consuming, or boring, it was just so simple to get lost when I wasn’t with anyone to take me away from it and I was using phone alerts as my only system. Today I’m looking into healthy adderall-friendly ADHD coping methods for structuring my time and tasks! I have seen so many great things happen through my structured and supervised areas of life, so I know once I find my ground in independently organized areas, I can avoid some of the less productive behavior patterns that really came out in full force last night. The sometimes inconvenient effects of adderall are like evil superpowers that can be transformed and channelled and used for good. I’m hoping that I can find a great method to apply soon that can help me direct and control the focus I have while alone and medicated, because it has absolutely had a positive impact on so many other areas of my life. For so many years, my only goal was just to get by and hopefully one day begin treatment for depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I am so happy that my goal now is to gain even more independence and fully utilize my functioning hours. If anyone has suggestions/ideas for me or resources you can direct me towards, they are so valuable and appreciated! Thanks also to everyone who is reaching out asking about how I’m doing and even just reading these! I was told by a few nameless people that these updates made them feel less alone or that they learned something new about treating mental illness, and that really gives me the warm fuzzies. I’ll keep it up and keep moving up! 🖤🖤

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dandelliongirl · 7 years

Text

It’s been

three weeks.

Wow I’ve been both busy and lazy.

So Eurovision, right? That’s where I left off. I had an amazing evening with two homemade pizzas all to myself and a bottle of disgusting non-alcoholic wine. I loved Portugal’s song and it was one of my favourites. Actually all of top 3 were according to my list so it was definitely a good result. Now I also have many new songs that I actively listen to.

I spent Mother’s day with mum and dad. We went to the cottage and I got to work on my landscape and macro photography. Mum and dad assembled the little pier/dock for the summer and I went around taking photos. We came back as it started getting cloudier. I started working on a post-BoTW fic. I have a lot of issues with the writing and story of that game, some of which obviously come from the genre and can’t really be fixed because the story is completely optional but I kind of want to put my spin on the story a little bit and take the headcanons from my head onto paper. I still haven’t finished my post-TP or SS fics either so we’ll see what happens with this one but it’s not like I publish my fics anymore so...

On Monday I worked on school stuff and ACNL. I also cleaned the house a bit. In the evening my guy took me to see Kimi no Na Wa. It wasn’t my favourite, mostly because I couldn’t relate to either of the protagonists on any level. I was impatient and couldn’t wait for the movie to end. It just wasn’t for me even though most people seem to love it and usually I’m all up for time travel stuff. Anyway after the movie my guy’s sister came over. We stayed up until 2am talking and watching stupid YouTube videos. I can’t believe she’s graduating high school in a week!

On Tuesday I walked my guy’s sister to uni entrance exams and went to do my office hours while she was taking the test. Then we walked back and spent a few hours hanging out at the apartment. Then she went to visit some family friends for a night. I went to a housing cooperative meeting and rushed off to ballet. The dance mat was completely ruined and wrinkly so we couldn’t do anything with our pointe shoes on so we scheduled some extra rehearsal time on stage for Wednesday morning.

We had to be on stage at 8:15am. Our dress rehearsal started at 8:30 and the show at 10. It was over in a flash but it was pretty tiring to do two pointe choreos almost back to back. We did our Coppélia variation and then me and my friend performed Pearls in the same outfits. After the show I came bcak to the apartment and worked on school stuff again. I revised for my methods exam and my guy played DAI. His sister came back over to spend the night with us.

My guy’s sister went to another exam on Thursday morning. I went to study Japanese with my friend and then we had lunch together. I had a sort of an exam and self-evaluation/peer evaluation class for Methods. I hated every second of it but at least it’s over now. We had to write an essay and then evaluate and grade ourselves. Then we graded ourselves for the rest of the course and then we took a break before evaluating course assignments in groups. Then we discussed the course and how to improve it in the future. It was a really tiring experience spending four hours in methods class.. After class me, my guy and his friend played some BoTW before I had to go to my last ballet class. We had our last rehearsal with lights and clothes and the camera crew checking angles and edits.

On Friday I had my last master’s thesis seminar. We went through the last seminar paper and then gave feedback on the course. Our teacher also told us about finishing the thesis itself and we discussed employment and future plans together. It was stressful and I think it has really hit home that in a year from now I have to have a plan of sorts. Right now I have three options: either to stay at the uni and get a PhD in history, study to become a dance teacher or get a degree in education management. If none of these work out for me or if I don’t feel like studying any more after finishing my MA thesis I need to start job hunting after Christmas. Super scary.. I have some serious soul searching to do over these next few months.. Anyway the rest of Friday was spent relaxing and mentally celebrating the end of the academic year. I also picked up a new internet modem from the post office and prepared everything for the weekend’s dance shows.

Saturday was a full day. I went to dress rehearsals at 11 and got out around 2pm. I had some lunch, took a shower and put on my hair and makeup for another dress rehearsal at 5:30pm and a show at 7:30pm. We did Pearls for the last time, and it went pretty well.♥ After the show I listened to a concert that was happening out on our street right opposite from my livingroom window. It was a warm and summer-y day and we had a city festival with lots of events and lots of people outside. I also Facetimed my parents.

On Sunday I had two shows; at 3pm and at 6pm. At 12 I went downtown to pick up a flower for our teacher on behalf of the whole group and I had to be on stage at 2:15pm for a last minute check. Mum and dad watched the 3pm show from their AirBnB apartment and I hear granny watched the show as well. ♥ Makes me happy. Both shows went pretty well, although there was some drama between them. My guy was out getting his car back up and running and him and I were supposed to go look for a new phone for me inbetween my shows. Well he was an hour late and I was super pissed off since I had hurried off stage, handed my responsibilities to my friend and skipped the end of the show where all dancers come on stage to receive applause. I ended up sitting outside for an hour and giving up. I was seething with rage and it really screwed with my performance. My friend ended up covering for me in the second show as well. My guy did drive me and my friend over to her place and we dropped her off at the bus station though.

So this Monday my guy and I went to get me a new phone. The Huawei Honor 8 lite was on sale for 199€ and since it was under the 200€ budget I had set for myself I had to get it. The entire day was spent on configuring everything and learning how to use it. So far it has been a very good phone but honestly my old one was so bad that you don’t need much for the new one to be an improvement. It’s dark blue though so I’m desperate for my case to arrive because I can’t find it. My old phone was bright pink with a bright blue case so it was easy to spot and this one is dark and flat and sneaky. I had a dance feedback discussion with my teacher at 5:15pm and I went off to another housing cooperative meeting that started at 6pm. This was a long and tedious one, and there was this one asshole who saw fit to nitpick over every single detail of the printed materials. I was out of there after 8pm-ish and went to pick up my friend from the park. She came over to test hairdos for a wedding she’s attending this weekend. We played ME2 while I did her hair.

On Tuesday morning we went shopping. It was a sunny day so I decided to screw thesis-writing since there’ll be lots of rainy days to waste on that stuff. It did give me anxiety to throw away my plans like that but at the same time it felt kind of nice to spend a sunny day with a friend. We spent a good hour or so at the park eating take-away salads and soaking in the sun and warmth.☼ We came back to the apartment, I dyed my friend’s hair and curled it for the official hairdo test. We ended up going for two simple waterfall braids combined in the back with corkscrew curls. In the evening my friend went for the movies and I got a really big anxiety attack from skipping my responsibilities and throwing away my plans on two consecutive weekdays. I did check my emails on Tuesday morning but I hadn’t even looked at my calendar and I realized how much stuff I had left to do. I had to do something to feel productive so I scrubbed our bathroom basically from floor to ceiling for no other reason than - well yes it was dirty but I felt like I needed to do some form of actual work.

On Wednesday I was really productive. I went to study Japanese with my friend at 9 and to a meeting at 11. Then I went to the office to delegate a bunch of my work to our intern. She is a real angel since I was just realizing how badly I was drowning in work. I’m spending two full workdays next week at an event so I won’t be at the office at all and she is a huge help in doing office stuff for me. ♥ It took me until 6pm before I was back at the apartment.

Mum and dad came back from Hungary late Tuesday/early Wednesday. Their flight was postponed because of a broken weather radar on the plane and a huge storm. The electricity was cut at the airport security and water flooded in through the ceiling. Apparently subways in the city were not operational either because of all the water. Anyway after Wednesday’s office day I biked over to spend the evening with mum. We went for a bit of a run in the warm sunny summer weather, did some Pilates workouts and went to the sauna. I’ve really taken to heart spending the few sunny and warm days outdoors and saving thesis writing for the inevitable rain and gloom. I wasn’t back at the apartment until 10pm -ish. Mum got me a super cute almost tie-dye -ish lace dress and I love it!

Today I caught up on my thesis writing for this week - finally. What a relief. It was also rainy and colder today so it was fitting. Around 1pm my friend came over and we played ACNL until around 6pm. She gave me three of my dream villagers as a late birthday gift. I got Chevre, Carmen and Annalisa. She also got us Felicity to share and a bunch of cards of her own that she can scan in using my NFC reader. Even my guy played ACNL with us and we went on a bunch of island tours together. ♥ ♥ ♥ I worked on Sonetia’s layout/landscaping and I’ve decided where I want to put Carmen’s house. I’m replacing Henry with Carmen, Lolly with Chevre and probably Pekoe or Melba with Annalisa. Then all I need is Merengue but she’s expensive and hard to find. Also Marshal but I already have a piece of land set out for Merengue, which is currently empty. I did some reconfiguring with my paths to get a little plantation going. I finished my illuminated tree project and next I’m either building the scarecrow or taking down the fence to get Carmen to move in. I’m also doing lots of gardening to get some more hybrid flowers to decorate town with.

My guy made some dinner and me and my friend baked chocolate brownies with mocha frosting. They didn’t turn out that great but at least the taste was on point. We played BoTW for a while and then she left. I’ve been typing this catchup blog post for at least an hour now.. I really hope I have more free evenings now so that I can blog more often. This is such a special time in my life and I don’t want to forget a single day... I find it super sad that even a week or two is enough for me to forget lots of details and events. I want to come back to this day, the 25th of May, Ascension day, in the future and remember that I had the best time playing ACNL with my friend.

So yup, spending tomorrow doing JLPT stuff and playing ACNL. Doing my friend’s hair for the wedding on Saturday morning but other than that it’s a free weekend. Finally! I need time off after the past few weeks.

#personal #diary #May2017

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