#my sis was diagnosed as | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

phagechildon · 10 months

Text

Song of Our Soul - Part 4

Life’s been pretty insane again so I haven’t been able to write much I’m so sorry ;/////; I’ve been updating very slowly to Twitter whenever I get a chance, so here’s what I’ve been able to write so far! It’s a longer part to make up for the time! It’s not really edited, but I will once I upload it to AO3 eventually. I’m experimenting with different POV’s too. Hope you enjoy ❤

— Modern Wangxian reincarnation soulmate au where both hear a song in their dreams, a song so familiar yet so foreign. They catch glimpses of each other in their dreams, and hear their voices, but when they wake up, all they remember is the melody and the other’s faint emotions. Angst with a happy ending. TW: mentions of violence, child abuse, abandonment, suicidal thoughts, mentions of rape, etc. Will add more

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

----

To Lan Zhan’s relief, Mo Xuanyu didn’t disappear like he originally thought he would. After stopping that night, Mo Xuanyu was the first to text him the next day.

“Morning Lan Zhan! Say, you don’t actually go to school, do you?”

“I do.”

“What?! Lan Zhan, you’re crazy! You’ve already struck gold, why waste your time going to school??”

If this question had come from anyone else, he would’ve been annoyed. After all, it was a well known family tradition. Instead of annoyance, a warmth settled over him, one the musician didn’t understand. “Every Lan has a degree in their field, I will be no different.”

“But music is so different from law and law enforcement. Don’t people harass you at school?”

“They do not bother me.”

“ Wow 😲 I don’t know if that’s impressive or sad. How could anyone resist Hanguangjun?!🤯”

Once more, he could feel the tip of his ears turn a little pink, not sure how to process the other’s words. His music knew they were soulmates, right? So was he purposefully flirting with him, or was he looking too much into it?

“Shameless.” He wrote back, unable to come up with anything else.

Surprisingly, Mo Xuanyu never left him on read. In fact, he was adamant on being the last to respond, even if it was just: “Goodnight Lan Zhan! Please don’t text back because then I’ll have to respond and neither one of us will sleep 🤣😂”

Lan Zhan did notice something odd though. Every time he asked a more personal question, the other would either take a long time to respond (while not answering the question directly), dismiss the question completely, or find a way to smoothly turn it on him. It was as if he didn’t want him to know about his personal life.

Which made his further findings a little more disturbing.

Mo Xuanyu: Deceased at 5 Years Old. Cause of Death: Homicide. Culprit: Unknown. Suspects: None.

“Did you know older foxes like to cuddle with humans Lan Zhan?”

This wasn’t the first time something random like this has come up, and the Lan couldn’t help but wonder how and why Mo was looking up fox facts.

“I did not. I would have thought they would be too scared of humans by that age.”

“Right?? Guess when you get to that age you stop giving a shit 😁🤣”

Later on that day, he sent another strange text.

“Why do people litter in rivers?? Don’t they know it waters the wildlife? Outrageous!”

Foxes, and now rivers. He certainly seemed to love wild life.

“I have seen them myself. Littering has indeed gotten worse.”

“Oh? Do you camp or hike often Lan Zhan??”

“Sometimes. When I was younger, I attended an astronomy camp for two months. During free time, I would often go to the river and clean up the trash.”

“An astronomy camp?! 😲😲😲😲 I always wanted to go to one! Or did I? Maybe I have? I have a horrible memory, guess that’s what a head injury does 🤣”

A head injury. The first bit of personal information he’s given out freely. While Lan Zhan was a little afraid to press, he had to if he wanted answers.

“A head injury?” He asked, hoping the briefer the question was, the more comfortable Mo felt.

“It was a long time ago Hanguangjun! I was almost six at the time. I don’t remember much from before or after. But I feel like I might’ve gone to one. Wouldn’t it be funny if we went to the same one? 🤣🤪”

While Lan Zhan knew this was Mo trying to joke around again, part of him felt his body seize up. He attended the club when he was around six years old - around the same time he heard the music start to play. Would it really be possible that they bumped into each other at the astronomy camp? With Mo’s memory gone, he had no way to prove it.

Things only got weirder when he finally found the police report for Mo Xuanyu’s murder:

The report was shorter than Lan Zhan expected, especially after finding out Mo Xuanyu wasn’t the only one who died that day.

Needing groceries for the following work week, Mo Xuanyu’s mother and aunt brought him along to the local supermarket. On their way out, Mo Xuanyu bumped into the leg of a biker who was later identified as Wen Chao, one of the leaders of the Wen gang. In a fury, he kicked and threw a can of soup at the child, where his mother then shielded him with her body. He then harassed her verbally until an employee intervened. Before leaving, Wen Chao swore he’d make them pay for being incompetent.

Around ten o'clock that night, someone burst through the front door of the apartment. According to the lone survivor, Mo Xuanyu’s aunt Mo Shi, a man in all black shot Mo Xuanyu’s mother, making her bleed out and watch as they brutally beat Mo Xuanyu to death. The only reason the killer spared Mo Shi was because she feigned gratitude for “finally” getting rid of the nuisances in the family. Immediately after he left, she called the police and was put under protective custody for a few months.

While the obvious suspect was Wen Chao, police have footage of him robbing three civilians at the same time of the crime. Mo Shi claims the assailant didn’t wear any gang affiliated symbols, which the Wen gang was known to do even under supposed covert operations.

Though Lan Zhan didn’t like to make conclusions without further evidence, he found the Wen gang’s innocence hard to believe. After all, he worked with his brother and trained men in taking them down.

Having met Wen Chao on a few occasions, he knew the man well. While he was a despicable man who was easily baited and angered, a child that young bumping into him wouldn’t have set him off like that, especially if the mother didn’t say anything outlandish. What he said also raised suspicion. As it was left out, Wen Chao and Mo Xuanyu’s mother most likely had no connection before this incident, so how was her son bumping into him incompetent?

There was more to this story, that much was obvious. In fact, he was almost positive it was planned.

Before he could do further research on his mother and aunt, he saw his phone light up.

A notification from Tumblr: Suibian sent you a message.

Glancing at the time, a flicker of worry threaded through his veins, not realizing it was already one in the morning. For once though, he was glad to have lost track of time.

Opening his phone, his heart stopped in his chest.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do the collab thing after all.”

-----

“Why not?” Lan Zhan wrote back, the message illuminating Mo’s pale and dirtied face.

He hadn’t expected a response, not this late at night. Mo Xuanyu stared numbly down at the phone screen, his eyes glazing over at the words. The answer was obvious, wasn’t it? His inspiration might claim to like his version better, but what if that was it? Aside from his newest song, there was nothing special about him. Besides, everyone who ever got involved with him got hurt, so if he really cared about Lan Zhan, he should keep his distance, right?

… would that be cruel to Lan Zhan though? Despite popular belief, he wasn’t dumb, he knew they were somehow connected. How else would Lan Zhan play the other part of the soothing melody from his dreams? One that had so many notes in places where his lacked, the two versions creating a whole.

Hearing that melody outside his dreamscape had been the only thing that stopped him from stepping off that bridge that night.

”I’m here,” Hanguangjun said through the notes. ”You’re not alone, I’m here.”

The more he listened, the more those and other inaudible words warmed his soul. Tears soaked his cheeks, though he wasn’t sure when they started to flood in the first place. For the first time in his life, he didn’t feel suffocated by another’s care and love. He felt safe and truly wanted, and it was all because Hanguangjun played the missing part of their song. It made him realize that even before the trust he had in his mother shattered, he never truly felt safe with her.

“Mo Xuanyu, you know what happens to the people who cloud your judgment. If you don't want them to be punished, come home.”

When he read that text a few days late (he silenced all her calls and texts), he couldn’t help but laugh. Them hurt Lan Zhan? Impossible. How laughable. What he’d give to see his mother’s smug smile fall into one of fear after realizing who he’s been talking to.

Yet part of him still couldn’t help but worry. No one was untouchable, and that included Lan Zhan. Just the thought of someone hurting him to get to him made him want to rip his own heart out and crush it so they no longer had a reason to hurt his apparent soulmate.

The mere reality of that made Mo scoff, finding it utterly ridiculous how he felt this strongly for someone he barely even knew. Part of him wondered if he was delusional, but feelings this powerful can’t be manufactured.

Besides, someone tainted in filth and blood shouldn’t associate with someone so perfect. They needed to step off a bridge so they'd no longer be a burden on the world.

“Lan Zhan, let me ask… why should we?” He managed to type back, his silver eyes hardly focusing on what he was typing. Too sober to be responding, the back of his brain whispered. In the morning, when he looked back at these messages, he’d berate and scold himself for letting his depression speak truthfully.

“Why not?” Lan Zhan responded again, making his frown deepen. He really wasn’t making this easy. How could he convince Lan Zhan he was poison? Part of him was tempted to ghost him, maybe even block him to prevent him from finding him again. Everytime he went to do it though, his finger would hover over the block button and his anxiety would race.

Don’t do it don’t do it don’t you dare fucking do it. It literally felt like he was crushing his own soul with his bare hands every. single. time.

“We’re just not compatible. You’re well, you. You’re beautiful, you’re gorgeous. You’re exceedingly good at playing the guqin. That goes without saying. You’re really good at calligraphy, and-” his thoughts came to an abrupt stop, but not his thumb as it pressed send. Oddly enough, he had a vague sense of dejavu. How could that be when he’s never been close enough to say such things to someone? And why focus on calligraphy? Sure he's seen it before, fans like himself liked to see everything he did. But still, calligraphy?

Shaking his head, he quickly added to the last message. “I know better than to put people on pedestals, this isn't me idolizing you or anything like that. I just don’t want to ruin your reputation. Sure you like my version, and maybe others will too, but I don’t exactly have a good reputation.”

The biggest understatement of the year.

How could he warn Lan Zhan he was danger and not worth it without outright saying it?

“I do not care about trivial matters like that, and even less about what others think. I make my own judgments.”

“Lan Zhan, you barely even know me,” he wrote truly back, feeling a little aggrieved. “What if I’m actually some criminal trying to hurt or exploit you?”

“A criminal brave enough to try going up against a Lan would be worth knowing.”

Mo couldn’t help the snort that left him, his self deprecating mood lifting a bit. Yet again Lan Zhan was able to do something no one has before - pull him from his dark place and make him feel secure. Even his mother hadn’t been able to do that.

Maybe things would be different with Hanguangjun.

“What if I’m hideous?” He teasingly wrote, quickly following it up. “You should know my wardrobe mostly consists of ripped jeans and hoodies these days. Mostly black or red depending on which one is clean 😉”

After escaping, he secured a cheap black hoodie from the thrift store along with another set of jeans. There were only two outfits to his name right now.

“Appearances do not matter. Anything you wear to the performance is welcome.”

“ 😲 Anything you say?! Lan Zhan, you should really watch your words 😉”

“Shameless!!”

This time a chuckle left his lips as he curled up more into himself, cradling the phone in his hands. His body shivered as another frigid breeze swept through, making him inch slightly closer to the crackling fire. Another trip to the thrift store was needed. At this rate, he’d die from frostbite before seeing Hanguangjun in person!

It didn’t matter if he felt good enough to collab with Lan Zhan anymore, or felt like he’d endanger his inspiration. Right now, as he drifted to sleep, the only thing that mattered was finally meeting him in person. Once he did, whatever happened afterwards, he knew he'd be able to die happily.

----

“Do you ever feel nervous before a show?” Mo Xuanyu asked. It was now three days before the performance.

“No,” Lan Zhan responded, purposely leaving out that this is the only show he’s felt nervous about. After all, he’s going to properly meet his music.

“You’ve never looked shy in front of a crowd, but you also don’t talk to your fans either.”

“I do not perform for the crowd, I do it for myself,” he wrote, purposely leaving out the part where he did it in an attempt to reach out to his soulmate. With both of them avoiding the topic, Lan Zhan assumed it was safe to save the subject for later.

“You really are a weird person Lan Zhan, but in a good way!” Mo responded, quickly following it up. “At least we don’t have to worry about the fame getting to your head or any scandals. Now I have a way to sniff imposters out 😉”

“How will I know if there is an imposter of you?” A risky move, Lan Zhan knew, but it also made sense in this context. “The tickets are sold out.”

Five minutes-

10 minutes-

“You’re right. Even if someone showed up to your dressing room, how would you know it’s me?”

Five-

Ten-

Fifteen-

Thirty-.

“Lan Zhan… no one else looks at your messages, do they?”

A hard fearful lump formed in Lan Zhan’s throat, his fingers unconsciously tightening their grip on his phone. He finally had physical evidence that his music was in danger, and not just from himself. The caution towards others seeing these messages clearly showed his trust was fragile. Mo Xuanyu didn’t want to be noticed by someone.

“My brother used to help manage my account, but not anymore. I am the only one who has access. However, if you feel uncomfortable, I can give you my phone number. We will need to exchange information for the collaboration anyway.” Writing out his number, he hit send, and waited.

After asking for a description or possibly even a picture of Mo, Lan Zhan knew he’d have to wait a while. If answering simple questions took his music a while to respond, finding the courage to send what he looked like probably made his anxiety skyrocket.

Surprisingly, it was only a few hours later when he received a text from an unknown number: “Am I your only fan in your phone?” The text preview showed as another text came through - a picture text.

Opening up his phone, Lan Zhan’s eyes scrunched up with a mixture of emotions.

“Am I your only fan in your phone? How scandalous Hanguangjun! What if I was pretending to be Chenqing this whole time, or worse! What if I wasn’t human?!”

The picture below the text was one of a fox. Lan Zhan wanted to shake his head until he noticed an arm wrapped around the fox, then a chest adorning dark clothes. This was an image of someone cuddling a fox, and based off its ragged appearance, it seemed to be a wild one.

… Mo hadn’t googled fox facts the other day. He found out older foxes liked being cuddled by cuddling one himself. That was incredibly dangerous! Why would he try such a thing?!

Wait, if the fox was real, did that mean when he talked about a river full of trash, he stumbled upon one too? He knew Mo liked nature, his blog was filled with pictures of a forest. Did he perhaps live by one? This was something he’d make a mental note of.

“That is incredibly dangerous,” Lan Zhan texted back, hoping he still didn’t have the fox captive.

“I already told you they like being cuddled, and so do I. I don’t see a problem~ 🦊 ”

Worry and anger made Lan Zhan scowl, trying to balance the two emotions out before responding. Yet as his fingers pressed a few letters, Mo sent another message - a picture message.

This time, it was a selfie of the most beautiful man he had ever seen in his life. Those alluring yet mischievous silver eyes stole his gaze, finding himself lost in them. They’re sparkling and smiling, but also filled with a deep sadness he wishes he could eradicate. Framing them is long black hair tied up with -

A red ribbon. Lan Zhan grasped his heart, feeling it race in his chest. It’s the same exact ribbon from his dream, one of the only parts he remembers when he wakes up.

“Jeez, I must love hoodies cause I’m wearing one in all my selfies 🤣”

“You look fine.” More than fine, actually, he wanted to add.

“Aw, thanks Lan Zhan! ❤ I know how great I look and all, but please don’t show me to too many people, okay? I know how hard it'll be to hold back 😉 I’m just trying to stay out of family drama and would prefer no one recognize me.”

Family drama? Well, even if it was a lie, it was yet another glimpse into Mo Xuanyu’s personal life. “I promise only to show it when it comes to your safety.”

“PFFF Lan Zhan! What do you mean by that? No one I know enjoys what I do, so I’ll be fine at the performance! Don’t go showing me to all your security guards, I’ll have them swooning! 🤣”

… then why mention not showing the selfie to others? Mo Xuanyu really knew how to confuse and concern him.

His concern doesn’t go unnoticed by his brother who stops by later that night to eat dinner with him.

“Did something happen, Wangji?” Lan Xichen asked as he slowly pulled the takeout boxes out of the bag. “You look troubled.”

“So do you,” Lan Zhan admitted, becoming just as worried for his brother.

“It’s nothing to worry about,” Lan Xichen merely waved. “We finally besieged one of the Wen gang’s main hideouts. Twenty two are in custody, thirty are dead.”

“That’s good news.”

“It is. We found three shipments of illegal weapons along with logs and footage of their heists and crimes.”

They actually found logs and footage of their crimes?! That meant there was a huge possibility Wen Chao wouldn’t get away with all his crimes no matter how much money he threw around. That was definitely worth celebrating!

“Do you need assistance combing through them?”

Lan Xichen shook his head, a genuine smile peering through this time. “No, but thanks for the offer. The footage is rather disturbing.”

“I see,” Lan Zhan mumbled, seeing his phone light up with a new message from Mo. He didn’t notice the way his mood instantly lifted, but his brother did.

“Things must be going well for you too Wangji.” Lan Zhan froze up, the tip of his ears turning pink. “I haven’t seen you this happy before.”

Not knowing what to say, he nodded, though his eyebrows knitted in worry. “I am…but I am also worried.”

“About your new friend?” Seeing his little brother nod, Lan Xichen’s own eyes scrunched a bit worriedly. “Is this related to your searches in the database?”

There were no secrets kept between them, including their search histories. Out of curiosity, Lan Xichen had clicked on the search after seeing Lan Wangji reviewed the case file several times. To his surprise, he found the file classified as a cold case. “Is your friend related to the victim?”

For a moment, Lan Zhan stayed frighteningly quiet, which considering he hardly spoke, said a lot. “He’s claiming to be Mo Xuanyu.”

Shock couldn’t help but breech his face, now understanding what had his brother so perplexed. The same question that plagued Lan Zhan for so long now infected Lan Xichen: Why would someone pretend to be a dead child?

“And you looked him up to see if someone had the same name?”

“That was the first thing I did,” Lan Zhan sighed, no longer feeling hungry as he stared blankly at his food. “He is the only one that comes up.”

“I see… have you tried inquiring about it with him?”

“No,” he admitted, biting his bottom lip. “I… think he is in danger.”

Considering he was using the name of a deceased child, he must be wrapped up in something dangerous. “What makes you think that?”

Now that he was finally telling someone else, Lan Zhan felt like a nervous wreck. He was worried - he was beyond worried. After saving his soulmate from suicide, now he had to save him from something or someone who drove him to make such a decision. How could he do that when all he had were breadcrumbs of his life?

He couldn’t lose him. Dear god he couldn’t lose him. That pure unfiltered fear was unexplainable, but he didn’t need it to be explained.

Lans only loved once. That was the only explanation he needed.

Taking a deep breath, he told him about the suicide attempt, his cautious reactions and responses, and the way he skirted around personal questions. While leaving out the most important part, the one about the song in his dreams as it would make him seem insane, his brother nodded with a distressed look on his face. Something didn’t seem right even to an outsider.

“That does seem worrisome,” Lan Xichen agreed, resting his chin in his hand for a moment. “Even if he wanted to pose as the deceased Mo Xuanyu, you’d think he’d say his head injury happened when he just turned five, not almost six.”

Lan Zhan nodded, completely agreeing with him. “He needs help.”

“I agree. Mind if I lend a hand?”

Normally Lan Zhan hated getting his brother involved, especially since he had so many other responsibilities. Yet he couldn’t help but nod, his desperation too great.

Somehow, he knew they didn’t have a lot of time. “Thank you.”

“Of course. Is there anything else you know?”

“Not really. I do have a picture of him, if it will help.” Mo asked him not to show it to a lot of people and seemed okay when Lan Zhan said he’d only show it to people when it concerned his safety. This situation definitely matched up with those terms.

“The picture he didn't want others to see?” His brother asked, wanting to make sure he was okay with this.

“Yes. He said not to show many people, and I only intend to show it to you. Besides, this is to protect him.”

The moment Lan Xichen’s eyes landed on the photo, his whole face went pale. The reaction wasn’t expected, which only made Lan Zhan nearly panic. Did his brother already know something?

“Wangji… are you sure this is your friend?” He asked, zooming in to get a better look at some of his features. It didn’t calm him down in the least.

“Yes.”

“And he’s safe?”

“... Brother, why are you asking? Do you know something?”

“Is he safe?” Lan Xichen asked once again, his stern tone making his brother quiet down.

“I believe so. He has been texting me the past three days.”

“Good,” he breathed out before closing his styrofoam take out box, no longer hungry. “Before I say anything, I want to confirm something first.”

“Brother-”

“Wangji, whatever you do, make sure to keep in contact with him and find a way to convince him to meet up before the event.”

“Why?” Lan Zhan asked, unable to help the exasperation in his desperate voice.

“I dare not say, not until I confirm it. Let me know if you’re able to meet up with him.”

Meet up, meaning his brother didn’t find him a threat. So why was he so concerned about him?

“Okay,” he said, swallowing the rest of the words in his throat. He trusted his brother with his life, so no matter how hard it was, he would be patient.

----

“I know this is sudden, but are you in town?” Lan Zhan asked, pursing his bottom lip anxiously as he typed; a habit he’s never had before now. “I would like to meet up before the performance, if that is okay with you.”

As if waiting to hear from him, three dots started appearing, showing Mo Xuanyu was typing, then stopped. Anxiety and fear tightly gripped his chest in an attempt to suffocate him, unable to handle the suspense. Would this scare Mo off?

“Before?? 😳😳😲 Hanguangjun, haven’t you heard it’s bad luck to see each other before the ceremony?”

The tip of his ears burned slightly as his golden eyes read the text, immediately thinking “shameless, ridiculous!” Referencing the performance as some kind of ceremony had to be his soulmate flirting with him, right? How was he supposed to respond to that??

“I will risk it if it means being able to meet you without the eyes of others.”

“... Lan Zhan wants to get me all alone 😨😱”

… was Mo trying to imply something there?? “It gets fairly busy, and I do not want our first meeting to be rushed and interrupted by others.”

“Is this really Hanguangjun? Quick - take a picture of what you’re doing right now, no matter what it is!!”

Another picture? Looking down at his lap where two bunnies sat, his ears became a little pink again. No one knew about his affinity for rabbits. Until now, he hadn’t really cared if anyone knew or not. For some reason, the thought of Mo knowing made him feel embarrassed.

Regardless of how he felt, he raised his phone and took a picture, making sure everything was in view. Behind him his beautiful peonies could be seen, their colors so vibrant they nearly drowned Lan Zhan out.

“Holy shit - are those bunnies!?” Mo sent, the three dots immediately popping up again. “Are those peonies?!”

“Yes,” he simply responded, still not sure what this reaction meant.

Instead of words, a picture message was sent. In what must’ve been Mo Xuanyu’s hand was a little white bunny figure attached to a thin cord, resembling either a phone or wallet charm. “At least you have the real thing! I like bunnies too 😍 Do you have more??”

Lifting his gaze from his lap, Lan Zhan stared down at the seven other bunnies hopping around close by. He sent this scene to Mo as well.

“Holy shit I didn’t expect you to actually have more! Do you tend to the garden yourself?!” Just beyond the bunnies were dozens of flowers of all kinds along with fruits and vegetables at the corners of the frame.

“I do.”

“Why don’t you hire a gardener? That’s a lot of work!”

“Tending to it brings me peace.”

“So you’re a prodigy, an expert at the guqin, exceedingly smart, intoxicatingly handsome, a diligent housewife, a masterful gardener - Lan Zhan, how are you not married???”

“I have not found my fated one.”

“Aiyah even your fated one doesn’t deserve you! Anyone who manages to steal your heart will just use you!”

“I do not mind being used by my fated one.”

“You can’t just let someone take advantage of you Hanguangjun! - I take it back, you’re not allowed to marry! Who knew you’d be so irresponsible?? 😡”

A very small smile folded at the corner of Lan Zhan’s lips, once again finding Mo Xuanyu’s protectiveness cute and endearing. “If they are my fated one, I know I will be unable to do anything but love them unconditionally.”

“Just because you’re fated to be with them??”

“Because we are fated for a reason.” To outsiders, this sounded like severely flawed logic. To those who knew him, they were well aware Lan Zhan didn’t love easily. He didn’t talk to others easily either. If he truly loved someone enough to call them his fated one, then that person had to be extraordinary.

“I never took you as a romantic, now I don’t know what to do with this new information 😵 😵 ”

“Are you in town today?” Lan Zhan asked, trying to reel the conversation back to his first request. It would seem Mo had somewhat of a silver tongue.

“I am. Where would you like to meet? I don’t do well in crowded places.” For some reason, Lan Zhan had a feeling Mo actually meant he didn’t want to go somewhere he’d have a higher chance of being recognized.

“There is a small cafe I frequent. I can pick you up?”

… ten minutes passed, leaving Lan Zhan waiting with bated breath.

“Lan Zhan, you really have to stop being so chivalrous! I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little lost.”

Lost? How could he be lost when there was a GPS on his phone? Shouldn’t he have reception since they were texting each other?

“Where are you?”

“Somehow I ended up at a cemetery.”

A cemetery…? How did he end up at a cemetery?? If Lan Zhan hadn’t been the one to invite him out, he would’ve assumed this was a set up. Actually, it still seemed like a set up. It wouldn’t make sense though. Why would someone on the run set a trap for him?

Shaking the thoughts from his head, he got the name of the cemetery, informed his brother, and quickly left.

---

He was shaking. How could he not be shaking? So much had happened this morning and the only thing he wanted to do was drink and sleep. When was the last time he even had a drink? Probably the night he fled from the Wen’s den.

Considering he relied on buses and trains, it didn’t take him too long to get to Gusu. Filled to the brim with nerves at the idea that Lan Zhan would hate and discard him, the world naturally thrusted more problems on him.

Traveling all night, he accidentally fell asleep on the final bus, missing his stop for the cheap motel Wen Ning managed to find for him. The only thing that woke him was a fight breaking out on the bus, a fight between a Wen gang member and some martial artist who refused to give up his seat for him.

Naturally, with his shitty luck, he knew the gang member from the Wen gang. He was one of the ones he never wanted to see again. While he should’ve pondered what they were doing in Gusu, he instead kicked them both out of the bus while the driver quickly closed the doors, leaving the two brawling in the street.

Opting to get off at the next stop, the doors barely closed behind him when he saw two other Wen gang members walking towards him. Bolting was his first instinct, and he was glad he didn’t give in. Such an abrupt action would’ve caught their attention. With the oversized black hoodie covering his slim frame, they wouldn’t notice a thing unless they ripped the hood off his head.

Taking deep breaths, he managed to slip away without drawing their attention.

Focusing so much on escaping, he forgot to pay attention to where he was going, hence how he ended up at a large cemetery.

And now, if he was being honest, he didn’t want to leave. The main reason he nearly stepped off the bridge was so he didn’t have to deal with all this shit anymore. Yet here he was, lost in Gusu with Wens crawling all around the city. How ironic would it be if he got caught in Gusu while trying to find his way to the song in his soul - the one that convinced him to stay a little longer?

“Lan Zhan…” he mumbled, clenching his phone with shaky hands. Just saying his name helped steady his breathing. Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan Lan Zhan Lan Zhan-

The sound of a car approaching made him snap his eyes open, not even sure when he closed them nor when sat on the ground to curl into himself. While he would’ve opted to call himself pathetic, all thoughts were silenced as he watched the white car pull up. This wasn’t someone from the Wen gang, all their cars were either black or red, which meant this was either someone visiting their loved one’s grave or-

The window to the passenger seat rolled down, instantly putting Mo Xuanyu at ease.

Lan Zhan.

For a moment, all they could do was stare at each other with wide eyes, gold bearing into silver. They weren’t sure who moved first (or when Lan Zhan got out of the car), only that they met each other halfway, arms around each other in a desperate embrace.

… desperate embrace?

Mo Xuanyu quickly pulled himself away, his face bright red as he cleared his throat. “S-sorry! I guess I tripped. Your handsome good looks nearly killed me Lan Zhan!”

Lan Zhan looked stunned, needing another moment to recover. “I am glad you did not fall.”

For some reason, that made Mo burst into a fit of laughter, needing to wrap an arm around his stomach the longer it went on. “Lan Zhan-” he breathed out between cackles. “I can’t believe you came!”

Confused, the Lan titled his head ever so slightly. The sight made Mo Xuanyu’s heart race with heat, laughing even more. “I can’t - I can’t- you’re too much!!”

“How so?” He asked just as calm as before, not helping poor Mo’s condition.

Taking deep breaths, he managed to satiate the laughter with tears in his eyes, using his finger to wipe them away. With his other hand, he gave Lan Zhan’s forehead a gentle teasing flick. “Don’t trust anyone who asks you to meet them at a cemetery again! I could’ve been a creep or serial killer!”

The barest hint of a smile flashed across those stone lips, one that made Mo nearly swoon more. “I will not,” he said, simply placating him with a warm glint in those alluring eyes.

Standing in front of one another at least, Mo Xuanyu found himself nearly a head shorter than his inspiration, which made him pout a little. Growing up poor with little food severely stunted his body. Odd how he hadn’t cared about that until now.

Ironically his stomach growled, stopping his lips from moving and speaking some more. Instead he watched Lan Zhan’s eyes widen, then soften again.

“Let us get something to eat.”

The thought of real food made Mo’s mouth water, humming and nodding desperately. He can’t remember the last time he had an actual decent meal. Hopefully the cafe wasn’t too expensive, he barely had ten dollars to his name.

----

The drive wasn’t as awkward as Lan Zhan thought it would be. Granted, he also hated socializing with people, especially when they had a lot of energy. Somehow, he only felt endured and almost breathless as he watched Mo Xuanyu excitingly point at places they passed and inquired about them.

“What about that book store? Have you been there too?”

“I have.”

“It looks so homey from the outside!”

“It is my favorite one, actually. It is very quaint and quiet.”

“Oh??” Mo’s mouth formed a small ‘o’ as he pressed his face against the glass, trying to get a better look as they started to pull away due to the light turning green.

“Would you like to stop?”

As expected, Mo shook his head, a somber expression taking over his once sparkling smile. “Another time.” There was a hollowness to his voice, one that made Lan Zhan’s eyebrows knit together and grip tighten on the steering wheel. If it wasn’t for the looming danger of knowing someone was after his music, he would’ve pulled over and forced the other to indulge himself. Something he was positive Mo either didn’t allow or couldn’t.

The moment his eyes had settled on his music back in the cemetery, a silent alarm whirled in the back of his head. As charmed and speechless as he had been, he managed to take note of certain details.

He was thin. Too thin. Even the oversized hoodie couldn’t hide the growing hollowness in his cheeks. Embracing him only confirmed what his eyes observed. His waist was far too slim, his bones protruding more than what was healthy. Then, there was his smell. While his nose was buried in those tied back long black strands that smelled like cheap shampoo and conditioner, there was an undertone of a deep earthy musk.

It wasn’t bad, in fact it was a little nostalgic. He wasn’t one to reminisce on his childhood, that is until he started talking to Mo Xuanyu. The smell brought him back to the days he spent in a haze during astronomy camp. Of getting lost in the forest during a violent storm and becoming quite ill. It made him remember going back to the forest, often hiking on trails and finding a place to quietly play his music - the music that played nonstop in his soul.

With the picture of Mo cuddling the fox and talking about rivers being littered, part of him wondered if his music had been hiding out in the woods before coming here. Just the thought made him grip the steering wheel more, his knuckles turning white as he glanced over to his soulmate again, seeing him pointing at another building.

“What’s that one?”

“That is a Gusu brand clothing store.”

“Oh,” Mo said, wrinkling his nose as they passed by the glass windows, seeing expensive looking suits and dresses in the window. “Looks too expensive, they’ve squandered such a cool looking building!”

Lan Zhan shook his head, finding a little amusement in the response as he turned down a sidestreet. There wasn’t a lot of parking along this road, but seeing the lack of pedestrians, there didn’t seem to be a reason for more.

Mo Xuanyu’s eyes immediately locked onto the little cafe without it needing to be pointed out. It was a cozy looking coffee shop painted a light lilac with flowers blooming at the front door and windows. On display in the window seal were small lotus flowers that were obviously fake, but still captured their beauty as they framed the name of the small business: Lotus Cove.

Lan Zhan took off his seatbelt, unaware of the quiet maelstrom that was brewing inside of Mo.

His head ached despite being empty as he stared at the building, unable to process what he was feeling. It was unpleasant, that much he knew, yet as Mo tried to turn away, he couldn’t. There was a silence that overtook him, a silence that made a tingling white noise sensation quietly form in the back of his head and ring quietly in his ears.

Was this fear? Was this oppression? The numbness that settled into his limbs and bones made him think otherwise. There were no prominent emotions, just a tingling blank slate.

“Mo Xuanyu?” Lan Zhan quietly called, snapping him out of his thoughts.

Right, he was here to spend some time with his soulmate. It didn’t really matter what he was feeling or how this would end anyway.

“This is really cute!” He beamed, his smile not fully reaching his eyes. Not sure if he was being too obvious or not, he quickly got out of the car and scrambled onto the sidewalk. His feet froze one cement block away from the door, though he wasn’t sure why. The only thing he knew was that he didn’t want to go in alone.

His behavior must’ve been odd because Lan Zhan walked up to his side with a concerned gleam in his gorgeous gold eyes, one Mo quickly learned he hated to see.

“Who knew you’d find such a cute little cafe like this? You really can’t judge a book by its cover,” he winked, making the tips of the other’s ears turn a slight shade of pink.

Oh no- that was really cute. Mo felt a very faint blush of his own take hold and cleared his throat, opting to stare at the door to the cafe instead.

Before he could say anything shameless, Lan Zhan opened the door, gesturing for him to go inside. Instinctively he clenched his fists, a wave of nervousness washing over him. Not knowing why he felt like this made him a little irritated. He liked to face things head on, so not being able to face whatever the hell he was going through right now pissed him off.

For Hanguangjun’s sake, he entered with a smile. “Why thank you my fine gentleman!” He chuckled.

“Lan Wangji!” A female’s voice beamed in happiness, making Mo quickly find the source. Behind a dark wooden counter was a beautiful young woman with long black hair tied into two slight buns with bangs framing her comforting honey-dew eyes. She wore purple-jean overalls over a short-sleeve white shirt with small cute pins aligning the top.

She was comforting, even if the white noise became a fraction louder.

“It’s good to see you again!” She smiled, her eyes then moving to Mo. A spark of fond shock made him feel self conscious, unknowingly taking a step closer to Lan Zhan. “You brought a friend with you today?”

“Yes,” he bowed his head ever so slightly, his eyes silently glancing over at him. Knowing Lan Zhan was leaving it up to him if he wanted to introduce himself or not made his heart race in fondness. He really was perfect in every way.

“I’m Mo Xuanyu,” he said, slightly bowing his head as well.

“I’m Jiang Yanli, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” she smiled, bowing her head in the same manner. “Lan Wangji’s never brought a friend before. This is cause for celebration!”

Lan Zhan wanted to refuse, knowing she liked to go overboard, but there was something in the way she couldn’t seem to take her eyes off Mo that made him curious. She was married and wasn’t the type to steal glances at other men. For her to be this interested meant she saw something special in him.

“Please take a seat! Would you like your usual?”

“Yes please,” Lan Zhan said, picking up a paper menu and handing it to Mo, the action seemingly snapping his music out of whatever thoughts he was having. “Do not worry about the prices. This is my treat.”

Mo snapped his head up faster than he could blink, the look of shock and guilt making his heart ache more. “Hanguangjun-”

“I was the one who asked you to come out here. It is the least I can do.” There was far to it than that, but leaving out the rest would make this less awkward. Thankfully his soulmate easily gave in, his silver eyes scanning the menu as Lan Zhan led them to a seat away from prying eyes from the street. He didn’t dare take a risk.

“I think I’ll just take a tea,” Mo smiled, his reward being a glare from Lan Zhan.

“No, you are hungry. The food here is very good.” Reaching over, Lan Zhan flipped the menu over, forcing Mo to look at the food items. What he didn’t expect was the way his silver eyes stayed glued to something on the list, something that made his whole body stiffen.

Knowing the menu by heart, he wasn’t sure what could have caused such a reaction. Peaking at the paper, he didn’t see it altered in any way.

“Here’s your hot jasmine tea,” Yanli placed his steaming hot cup on the table along with the rest of the pot. “Would you like your usual salad too?”

“Yes,” he said without looking at her, his own eyes glued to his soulmate.

“What about you Mo Xuanyu?” Her voice seemed to snap him out of whatever trance he was in, though his body remained stiff.

“Oh, uh, watermelon iced tea please,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact as he fidgeted with the edge of the paper menu. “And lotus root soup.”

The smile that placated her lips faltered for a moment, enough for Lan Zhan to see it. “You’re in luck, I just finished preparing some so you don’t even have to wait! I’ll be right back.”

Right, today was the anniversary, a day he never missed before. Thankfully some part of him remembered enough to bring Mo here so she wouldn’t be alone.

“Have you had lotus root soup before?” Lan Zhan asked once Yanli was out of earshot, a little curious. It wouldn’t be his first choice, especially since it wouldn’t fill Mo Xuanyu up enough. If it weren’t for the meaning behind the dish, he would’ve made Mo change his selection to something more filling.

Mo Xuanyu’s gaze became distant as he hummed to himself, thinking. “I feel like I have, a long time ago,” he admitted. “When I was very small.”

Very small. As much as Lan Zhan wanted a specification, he had a feeling he wouldn’t get one. “How much memory loss do you have?” He chose to ask instead.

The question made Mo shift uneasily, teeth piercing his bottom lip. Odd, that was something Lan Zhan started to do himself in recent days even though he didn’t know anyone with such a bad habit.

"You worry too much Lan Zhan," Mo laughed, though it felt pained and forced no matter how hard he tried to hide it with his grin. "I prefer living in the now, you know?"

No, Lan Zhan didn't know. How could he when he was he one that stopped Mo from jumping off the bridge? The present didn’t seem much better than the past. He wanted to be frank, to say it outright, but he had to be careful with what he said. Somehow he knew his soulmate was getting closer and closer to a bottomless edge. Though he’s never met Mo Xuanyu in person before, he could see how uneasy he was.

Something wasn’t right. Everything was starting to go wrong.

“You can not live a fulfilled life without confronting the demons of the past,” Lan Zhan said, watching as Mo’s fake smile faltered a bit.

“Is that a Lan philosophy?” Mo asked, lightly and playfully bumping his foot into the musician’s. He was a fidgety person, he noted. “You can only fight demons if you remember them.”

There was a smugness in his voice, one that gave life to that forced smile. Seeing the smallest hint of it made Lan Zhan’s heart a little lighter while filling with even more determination. “Are you sure you do not remember?”

Mo’s face didn’t change, though he did deflate in his seat a bit, finally realizing he couldn’t run from this.

“It’s hard to say,” Mo hesitated, opting to stare out the window as he continued to avoid eye contact, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation. “I don’t remember most of my childhood. Considering how mom and I have struggled, it’s probably for the best.”

Slowly, as if pushing thoughts from his mind, Mo finally turned to him, opening his mouth when Yanli emerged from the kitchen again. Her hands were completely full, and while she did this for a living and was obviously used to it, Mo Xuanyu still jumped up and met her half way.

“Not that you aren't perfectly capable, but don’t you have employees to help you?” Mo couldn’t help but ask as he carefully stole the tea from her, winking at her confused expression. “Beautiful flowers like you deserve to rest!”

Yanli stood there staring for a moment before giggling, an odd fondness twinkling in her eyes. A fondness Lan Zhan only saw when she looked at childhood pictures.

“Such a charmer, no wonder Lan Wangji likes you,” she giggled, missing the way his ears pinked at the tips at the comment.

---

The two made their way back to the table, Mo Xuanyu instantly taking a sip of the watermelon tea. “So refreshing! The best I’ve ever had!! Did you make this yourself?”

“I did,” she beamed, setting the soup on the table in front of him. “I’m glad you like it!”

Mo smiled happily as he turned to the soup, scooting in to sit a little closer to the table when his eyes fully settled on the soup, finally seeing the inside of the bowl.

And his heart stopped.

Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

Don’t eat it. Don’t you dare fucking do it. Every inch of his body and soul trembled, his eyes catching sight of his hands actually shaking. Thankfully they were in his lap, a place Lan Zhan couldn’t see.

“I hope you like it,” Yanli said, her smile shadowed with a weight Mo knew too well. This soup meant a lot to her. Turning it down now and wasting Lan Zhan’s money was out of the question, not to mention upsetting her. He’s only known Yanli for less than twenty minutes but if anything happened to her he would kill everyone even remotely responsible and then himself. Which was weird. Why did he feel so strongly towards someone he just met and only spoke a few words to? Lan Zhan was his soulmate, so he understood why they instantly clicked. But her? No matter how he tried to think about it, it didn’t make sense, and honestly he didn’t really care.

Ignoring the way his body and mind screamed bloody murder in an attempt to stop him, Mo picked up the spoon, making sure it had a fair amount of soup on it.

The smell. Dear god the smell. Heavenly. Sweet. Light. Powerful- overwhelming.

Vicious, merciless thorny vines wrapped tightly around his head, forcing his lips to part with an inaudible gasp.

Don’t do it - don’t you dare fucking do it!!

The instant his mouth closed, he felt sick. In fact, he felt violently ill-

’You have to be a good boy,’ he heard his mother say, the exasperated yet wickedly gleeful tone foreign to him. His ears start to ring, his head fuzzing into static.

That’s not his mother, that malicious tone doesn’t belong to her-

Stop stop you have to FUCKING STOP-!

Bile burst upwards so fast Mo hardly had time to cover his mouth in time, narrowly avoiding puking in the soup and all over the table.

”A-Xian, are you feeling okay?” Someone asked.

A female. Someone he didn’t know-

That’s a lie-

“Mo Xuanyu?” Yanli’s voice pierced through the static, her voice sounding just like the one that just spoke.

A-Xian. A-Xian… who the hell was that?

“Mo Xuanyu?” Lan Zhan’s voice dripped with worry, his reaching hand making Mo instinctively stumble to his feet, more vomit nearly making him lose his composure. The sudden movement did not help the immense pain and extreme pressure in his skull. It made it hard for him to actually see.

In a daze, both seeing and hearing static, he somehow managed to find the bathroom. His legs carried him before he even realized he found it, barely managing to stumble to the toilet before letting it all loose

Feet hit lush vibrant green grass surrounded by beautiful blooming flowers. Giggles as pure and bright as the sun made his heart lurch-

Cold. It’s so cold, and so, so dark.

He wasn’t supposed to remember - he wasn’t supposed to think about this-!!

Why did you have to fucking do it?!

----

Helpless. For the first time since he found his music’s Tumblr post, Lan Zhan felt completely helpless. Mo was hurting and Lan Zhan had no idea how to help. Should he give him space? People hated when others saw them in such a vulnerable state, yet he couldn’t find himself caring about that. Without sparing another glance to Yanli, he quickly followed after his soulmate.

Part of him was surprised Mo didn’t lock the door behind him. Then again, given his current state, he was surprised he even made it to the bathroom by himself. Upon entering, he saw Mo Xuanyu collapsed against the toilet, heaving up whatever managed to slip into his stomach. Considering how skinny he was and how he hadn’t even eaten a full spoonful of soup, there couldn’t be much for his body to expel. Yet it kept trying to do it anyway.

What did people normally do in this situation? Instinctively he learned forward, barely giving his soulmate any warning before gathering his hair into his hands, trying to prevent any more throw up from getting in it.

That’s when he saw it. The fading red and purple mark on the back of Mo’s neck. Lan Zhan wasn’t an idiot. He knew what that mark was, and he couldn’t help but feel a flare of unchecked jealousy rush through him. Was his soulmate in love with someone else? No, it didn’t seem possible, not when he tried to commit suicide.

Feeling him start to dry heave again, Lan Zhan shook those thoughts from his mind. Now wasn’t the time to dwell on that. He needed to be here for Mo Xuanyu. When he was sick, Lan Xichen used to rub circles into his back, so maybe it would help his soulmate?

Gently he reached forward, letting his fingers rub against his back. Immediately a choked wail left Mo’s lips, jumping up from his slumped position only to slip and hit his head against the wall. Lan Zhan reached out, wanting to steady him, but froze. Those enchanting silver eyes were blown wide with fear. Fear of him.

No, that wasn’t right. Those eyes were focused solely on his hands, not his face, which helped pinpoint the source of his fear. Knowing the physical source didn’t help much though. Mo Xuanyu was having a panic attack and Lan Zhan had no idea how to help. He barely understood his own emotions, how could he help someone through theirs?

Actually, there was something he could do; something that worked before. It would be hard with no instruments, but he could use his own voice. His voice wasn’t fine tuned like his technique on the guqin, but it was all he had. Closing his eyes, wanting to give Mo Xuanyu the privacy he needed, he hummed the song of their dreams.

The result was immediate. His fast ragged breathing slowly became calmer until he eventually started to hear the other part of their song being hummed by Mo.

Weak at first, which was to be expected. Gradually their duet picked up in strength, Mo Xuanyu’s breathing slowly regulating into normal breaths. Even then Lan Zhan made sure to keep his eyes shut, not brave enough to risk undoing the progress they’ve made.

After an unknown amount of time, Mo finally spoke. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, finally prompting Lan Zhan to open his eyes again. “And thank you.”

#wangxian #phage writes #mdzs #ive had so much going on im so sorry. my broken foot is healing enough but then dad had a heart attack brother passed out hit his head and #my mom just got diagnosed with cancer... and ive been helping a very dear friend not go insane almost everyday after work #shes basically my sister and between family members (my poor sis is a mess too) i haven't had much time to even sleep x.x let alone breath #been losing my mind but it could be worse x.x anyway hope you guys enjoy!

1 note · View note

ccuniculusmolestus · 1 month

Text

Bunny Corcoran; Neglect, Disorder and Becoming Mother

WARNING: VERY LONG POST!!

Based purely on headcanons, might be refined after a re-read (which I keep putting off bcs i want to savor the book slowly but i never get the time)

DISCLAIMER READ IF U GET PISSED OFF ABT STUFF: Okay, I headcanon that Bunny suffered from borderline personality disorder. And please I dont want anyone triggered over me self-diagnosing Bunny this is my HEADCANON and i am not romanticizing it. That being said, I am NOT a psychologist neither do I claim 2 be, these headcanons are built purely on my studies and own experiences. This is not to make light of a disorder that I know well is quite debilitating. I also understand it's different for everyone and I don't claim to be The Only Source of BPD symtoms. I think I had to say this cuz i didn't want pitchforks and all that coming 4 me for a personality analysis 😒 ANYWAY.

Here, I divided this into parts too otherwise it's a long ass yapping post:

I. Katherine Corcoran and BPD

II. A Quiet House

III. MacDonald Corcoran

IV. Father Henry

I. Katherine Corcoran and BPD

First, let's discuss Katherine, her diagnosis (which is a hc) and her parenting 'method'. I believe that Katherine Corcoran suffered from a personality disorder (BPD) (which I believe was passed down either genetically or environmentally to Bunny.) Both she and Macdonald knew there was something wrong with her, but i mean BPD was added to the DSM 5 in the 1980s (when TSH was set) so I believe when she was still younger, getting therapy or going to therapy was heavily stigmatized and also only the extremely mentally ill were treated? Perhaps it was also a social image thing, or a personal pride thing, but sis did not get help for it until much later.

This could just be "In my time, people didn't seek help," but the wording makes me believe she was about to tell an instance or experience of her own, "When I was a girl and struggling with this, I couldn't seek help" so on. She also seems to be in favor of seeking help, even if it is drug related. Makes you think she's probably had to depend on rehabilitation centers or perhaps therapeutic centers herself.

I also feel like, during the events of the book, that maybe she was on mood stabilizers just because she's so cucumber-cool and chill at the worst times. (Described as "calm as a bride" at her own son's funeral whereas her husband can't stop oscillating between bawling and playing with his grandkids.)

Let's talk about her parenting in light of BPD mothers.

According to this study, mothers with BPD might:

not respect their kids' boundaries -> leads to the child developing similar traits. Bunny did not respect boundaries either.

Neglect and emotional under-involvement by mothers with BPD can contribute to the development of BPD in their children. Environmental instability, like frequent changes in housing and schooling, further adds to the challenges. Bunny is quite literally under-developed emotionally AND also he did go thru some environmental instability and extreme neglect growing up. Case in point.

Mothers with BPD may swing between being overly involved and overly distant. This can show up as fluctuating between being controlling and being cold (A trait also expressed by Bunny later on towards his friends). For instance, they might respond to their adolescent's emotions with both neglectful and punishing reactions This inconsistency may confuse the child, making them doubt or deny their own emotions. (Bunny is in denial about a lot of things. That's his way of dealing with his emotions. After the explosive fight with Henry, for example, in Rome. After the fight he tries to pretend everything is normal.)

Apparently children of mothers with BPD tend to also develop disruptive behaviors and other external problems like ADHD. I do think Bunny suffered from ADHD, there's multiple examples of it throughout the book.

Mothers with BPD tend to communicate insensitively, using critical, intrusive, and frightening comments and behaviors. They may also struggle with role confusion, where the child takes on a more adult-like role. We have no proof of this as we never see Bunny interact with his mother. However, the intrusive thing makes me think about something. After Bunny's death, when rumors begin circulating that he was a possible drug user, Katherine reacts vehemently and takes jabs at the press for causing unnecessary emotional damage to an already 'grieving' mother. Then, she orders an autopsy, which is incredibly invasive, not to clear Bunnys name or anything, but to clear her own name.

now I know that running the test would also help clear Bunny's name but you know one of the biggest reasons of denying an autopsy of a loved one is fear of their disfigurement. That's why some families actually tend to not go for autopsies if a coroner or the law doesn't require it. And I know this would've helped Bunny's case in clearing his name but her reasoning behind allowing the disfigurement of her own son post-mortem is just....its so sickening. I felt so sad? 😭 especially in the 1970s, around that time, autopsies were very invasive and didnt deal with people as respectfully as they do today. :(

Additionally, BPD can make SOME mothers incapable of bonding with their own children. They have difficulties with bonding an attachment, thus leading to neglect and a disinterest in their kids' lives. They might also lack empathy as an general thing when dealing with BPD but dont take these statements as like a 100% BPD analysis by a true and learned scholar of BPD YOU NEED TO THINK CRITICALLY. NOt everyone with BPD is like this. They CAN be like this. And I think Katherine was indeed such a mother, because we can see from Bunny's upbringing, and then Bunny's death what kind of a woman she was basically. Bunny's death did not really bother her, only the shame he brought on the family name did. She wasn't emotionally bonded to him, neither does she appear emotionally bonded to her own grandkids, like her husband is. You can even say she probably lacked empathy for her kids.

Now, BPD isn't largely genetic like Bipolar but it has genetic predisposition.

That genetic predisposition paired with environmental influences like neglect can lead to the development of BPD, which is I believe what happened with Bunny. I mean, we can also argue that Bunny's dad was so emotionally volatile. He jumped from one mood to the other, and I'm not being cringey and self-diagnosing (?) book characters but he probably had a mood disorder (Bipolar disorder perhaps) which is largely genetic. So that means Bunny possibly had two parents with personality disorders.

But I do believe Bunny is more similar to his mother than Richard realized or noted in the books, I think. The way he was beginning to get into drugs, too idk. I feel like Macdonald's influence on the boys' behaviors is very prominent, but to see Kathy's influence, you'd have to see their sons up-close. We really only saw Bunny up-close, and that too only from Richard's (very biased imo) opinion

Idk why this made me think of how Bunny was so smiley, but so hateful. He seems amiable at first, and then he seems like a bitch. Same with Katherine. The news was first reporting her as this classy, perfect woman, and then the press turned against her after the interview at the restaurant, after which psychologists began saying the family was dysfunctional and that parents' habits were picked up by their kids (again, this might be an allusion to Katherine's drug addiction mirrored with Bunny's developing drug dependency/usage/interest)

Anyway, building on that, I just wanna say I think Kathy and Macdonald's parenting style was very inconsistent, and most of the times just downright neglectful. This much is clear; the Corcoran household struggled with emotional volatility. Environments like these can seriously alter the brain chemistry of children who grow up in them, and they act as triggers for activating the genetic influences (so basically gene expression can be turned off or on by certain environments)that are present within someone.

So growing up Bunny often felt like his mom loved him, then she didn't, then she did, so on. This could be because of the medications she was on and also her personality disorder. It's mentioned in the books how Bunny was miraculously the best out of all the Corcoran family members (Charles says this) and I think maybe Bunny was more in touch with his emotions than MOST of them; his parents, his siblings, AND his friends.

________________________

II. A Quiet House

I know the popular notion is that the youngest child is the most spoilt but tbh sometimes they can be the loneliest.

The eldest two brothers (Hugh and Ted) have kids that are like, I think almost 10 years old, so I think there's a considerable age gap between (Bunny, Patrick, Brady) & (Hugh and Teddy). Because, like, Bun and Brady are still in school, and Patrick is doing some business start-up thing I think??Anyway, the point I was going to make is that the Corcoran boys were shipped off to boarding schools when they were pretty young, and boarding schools typically start accepting at around age 11 I think. But I think prep boarding schools also exist and your kid can be as young as 7 before you ship them off to stay at the school.

A thing to note, prep boarding schools are VERY expensive and thus exclusive, so if the Corcorans are sending their kids to boarding schools purely for the image of being rich (which we all know that image was the most important thing for them), they might have done that tbh. Which brings me to this point, the age gap isnt too big between Bunny & (Brady+Patrick) but they'd still get to go to boarding school before Bunny, meaning Bunny was younger than 7 years old, and most probably isolated because all his brothers were not at home anymore and he was left to just his neglectful mother (considering his father would be at work) .

Bunny's isolation was probably more pronounced than his brothers, because older siblings being grouped together ended up with him being alone in the developmental years of his life. That could be why he is more dysfunctional than his brothers, but he also might not be more dysfunctional, because we have no idea what his brothers are like in their personal relationships.

________________________

III. Macdonald Corcoran

Donald is an obviously affectionate parent, as we can see, but I have this headcanon which basically ties into all this. I feel like Donald was mostly preoccupied with taking care of his ill wife. I do think he genuinely loved her, idk why, he just seems like the kind of guy. And again, this is not a generalization of BPD women as partners, but it is an analysis of Kathy's overall personality and interactions with Donald in light of the possibility that she had BPD. So this is not a generalization. But Kathy would be the kind of high-maintenance person that Bunny was turning into.

High-maintenance BPD partners are likely to require constant understanding and validation to endure and relieve suffering, which I think Katherine would need a lot in their earlier years or when their kids were young (she starts taking mood stabilizers later, when the stigma reduces mayhaps? So before that they were probably a very volatile dynamic.) Also this is purely my headcanon but like, I think Donald is the sort who would try and avoid conflict with Katherine or at the very least, bend to her whims.

This interaction kind of shows us how she's dismissive towards his attempts at remaining neutral or even positive about a harmless action performed by people they knew. 'It's a common cognitive distortion in BPD, where individuals may swing between idealization and devaluation, perceiving situations or people as either entirely good or completely bad.' BPD is also marked by negative thinking patterns, and often times their partners/friends have to either validate their concerns or try and challenge them. We can see here that Donald is on friendlier terms with the Bartles, he calls them by their first name, but she calls them by their title. Still, she doesn't care that her husband seems to like them and disparages their 'gift'.

Anyway, their dynamic is a whole thing, I believe, and I think Donald might have actually made for a decent father had he not been torn between choosing his wife and his kids. Can't blame him or be mad at him for choosing his wife, either, maybe he had already almost lost her and became afraid of that possibility re-occurring.

So like, even when he'd come home, he'd spend time with his wife who, yes, she needed him, but he obviously neglected his kids in that aspect.

________________________

IV. Father Henry

You know how Bunny is always begging Henry for attention? He specifically needs Henry's attention, because Henry is the man in his life who he has given the 'Father' role to.

The providing role- Henry fulfills Bunny's need for a stable father, his stoicism keeps Bunny's volatile self grounded. Understand this-- Why does Bunny gravitate to Henry more?

Because of his riches? Partly.

Francis was also rich, and he was probably a bigger pushover than Henry, but Bunny still preferred Henry over Francis. It was not all about the money. Bunny needed the father he yearned for since childhood. In his mind, he'd built Henry up into this figure he could depend on no matter what. That scene with Richard in the restaurant-- Bunny's in trouble, first thing he does is call Henry, like a kid who expects their parent to always get them out of trouble. Richard even describes Bunny's behavior around Henry that of a 'bad child'.

That's why Bunny expects Henry to give him the world. That's why he respects him even after everything starts going to shit, even when he won't respect anyone else, because he never grew up, and, despite being 24 years of age he was still desperately seeking the love he knew he could have almost had. Sure, his mother perhaps would never have loved him, but his father could have loved him more, been more attentive. I don't think Donald was restrictive with his affection at all, but I do think he was not nearly as attentive as Bunny needed him to be.

You could argue he has daddy issues, so he seeks a deep relationship with a man who cannot give him what he needs. What's worse is I know Henry was trying desperately to not be his own father (Mr. Winter). He viewed parenthood as something negative, but he was pushed into that role unintentionally by Bunny. I don't think either of them realized what was going on.

Which is funny because Henry's weird co-dependent daddy-issue relationship with Bunny was what kind of lead to not only his own decline and death, but the decline of their friendship, the death of Bunny, and the decline of the Greek class. ��

Also something to add, I can also say that I think Henry's relationship with Bunny actually began shaping Henry more into the mold of his father, Mr. Winter.

From what we can tell or assume, Henry's father was:

cold, distant (Henry's mother is depressed, meek, subservient. Henry himself has no interaction with his father. His father does not attend his funeral)

abusive (probably lead to Henry's injuries either directly or indirectly). he could have been either emotionally or physically abusive.

exercises influence through money (can be inferred although it cannot be said with 100% certainty. He's a distant business tycoon who is involved in some shady stuff, there's a level of corruption there and usually these kinds of themes are at play in such situations. But I can acknowledge this is a bit of a reach).

Henry is not cold or distant by default, I believe. I mean yeah he's kind of closed-off, but he wouldn't necessarily ignore or avoid someone just because. He becomes avoidant and cold, and distant specifically to Bunny after the turmoil with Bunny pushes him to that point.

He can't really be called abusive but he did hit Bunny (even if it was an impulse and he didn't mean it) and then throw (?) a chair at him later (definitely meant that). Also the cold and distant comes into play here because he let Bunny cry himself to sleep and did not bother apologizing even once, or even checking in on him. I know this is not his fault- he was traumatized, he didn't want to fight Bunny anymore- but there's also a level of "I'm done with this and I dont care about it anymore". Henry is shown to have a "idc" personality from the start which I think becomes exacerbated towards Bunny due to Bunny's behavior. But also, even after their fight in Rome, even when they were interacting normally, Henry did not apologize to Bunny for the crap he wrote in his journal about him. Instead, he just "tolerated" Bunny a bit more for like 2 days before abandoning him in Rome

I mean Henry didn't really leverage his financial position and privilege over Bunny

So it's a very fucked up dynamic, can you see it? They had very different relationships with their fathers, and very different expectations and views of one another. Henry never asked to be put into the shoes of Bunny's father, and Bunny never meant to push Henry into becoming Mr. Winter, but alas.

#also what if henry killed himself because he realized he was becoming his father by the way....idk just a thought #i fucking rambled again #this post has been in the works for so long but i just sat down to write it and like #i should be stuydung #help #the secret history #bunny corcoran #tsh #henry winter #tsh donna tartt #winterbunny #macdonald corcoran #katherine corcoran

29 notes · View notes