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hellyeahtrickster · 3 years

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It occurs to me that I have friends here that I don't have contact with in other spheres, so ... life update: my mother passed away unexpectedly last Friday. I'm doing as well as one would expect. Been going through her things as both a walk down memory lane and a goodbye. I keep coming across things she never got around to using, and it hits hard that now, she'll never have the chance. And I can't stop thinking of the stories we watched together that now she won't know the ending to, or shows I wanted to try with her. And then there's all the things we used to do together on the regular -- all the places I can never go with her to again. And all the places we wanted to go to "someday", but now she never will.

We were two weeks out from our second COVID shots, and 4 weeks from being totally vaccinated. We were finally going to get back to EPCOT, to see the Flower and Garden show. Finally going to get back to the Florida Mall. Going out to lunch. That I won't be doing this things with her anymore ... it's unfathomable. I can't wrap my head around it.

Thanks, anti-mask / anti-vaccine Covidiots, for prolonging the presence of this pandemic -- basically stealing the last year of my mother's life. She was anxious to see her elderly mother again, because we don't know how long *she* has left ... and now she never go to see her mother again. I knew losing my mom would happen someday, but my mother was relatively young yet, so I thought it would be a while ....

It doesn't help that she died after the second night on a new bed. See, she slept on her side all the time, what with the couch being narrow, but with a twin mattress, the bed was much wider. She snored a lot -- I highly suspect she had sleep apnea. When I found her the next morning, she was on her BACK. The doctor agreed that her cardiac arrest could have been caused by sleep apnea. In trying to make my mom more comfortable .... Yeah, I know, it's not my fault, but I cannot shake that thought away, that she's not here anymore because we tried to do something nice for her. How cruel the humour of the universe can be.

(I'd put the rest of this behind a cut, but I don't see that option anymore? Sorry!!)

And it REALLY doesn't help that, not only have I lost the person I was closest to, but now I am stuck alone with the person I least want to be with: my dad. I'm pretty liberal, and he's pretty conservative. We fight a LOT. We haven't really since mom died (things got a little tense here and there, but not like we usually are) ... but I know it won't last. It can't -- not when he believes BLM are terrorists, or that gays have an agenda. And now he keeps wanting to do things with me, like watch my shows, and a petulant part of me is like, no, this is mom's territory -- stay out. I don't want to do anything with him. (Especially since I know he'll start ranting once the shows start talking about racism and homophobia.)

My parents always had a volatile relationship. Mom didn't know you could get pregnant the first time, and when she found out she was pregnant, her Catholic family bullied her into marrying him.* And he cheated on her at LEAST once (with a girl who was only a few years older than me at the time -- I was 15, she was 19, he was 33). My mother was far from perfect, so I don't blame all the marital problems on him. But my point is they were married "in name only" for about the last 25 years, so it's ... offensive to me now that he would dare to act bereaved.

I know he can be hella manipulative, make himself seem generous so as to be loved, and then turn on you like a viper, getting irrationally angry. I can't drive, we live in a very rural area with no public trans, there are no friends or fam less than an hour away, I've had next to no job for the last 17 years, I barely feel like a functional human being (am coming to seriously suspect I have ADHD and Dyscalculia; I have diabetes and suspect have PCOS and a thyroid problem; all these things having strong interconnections; and I have no insurance, nor do I qualify for aid, thanks to living in Florida), and I feel utterly trapped. There's a reason Rapunzel is my fave princess. I've had bad experiences with cabs, so using Uber / Lyft kind of terrifies me. Plus, he'd want to know where I'm going, and likely either insist on coming too, or insist I can't go, because his house, his money, his rules. The ONLY time each year I get away is when I go to Dragon Con (and I'm worried he might forbid that in the future -- he has once before).

And then there's the problem of ... he has no one. As much as I can't stand him, he lost his job because of COVID, he's lost his wife, he has no real friends (total homebody), and like it or not, he has supported me financially for so long. Even if someone else were to take me in, or I can get a job and save to leave ... how can I leave him (a person with severe rheumatoid arthritis / in not-great health)? I owe him too damn much, and I feel like it would be entirely callous of me. Yes, I realise that that's the abuse talking, but ... it's also true?

Anyway, I feel like I'm on Sliders, and keep stepping into progressively worse timelines.

* Let me mention that I have long suspected my mother is -- was -- on the autism spectrum, but when I mentioned it to one of her sisters, the sister seemed skeptical, saying that if anything, mom had a penchant for reading out loud, so they thought maybe she had a reading disability, and took her to a specialist, but "that's it". (Mom was in "remedial" classes through high school, so it doesn't sound like they did enough -- and maybe couldn't because the science just wasn't there.) I explained that mom frequently seemed to have trouble grasping concepts, especially humour. Like when a radio ad featured someone reciting a love-letter to a tomato, she was all, "That's stupid -- tomatoes can't read!" Try as I might, I could not get her to understand that the love letter was a playful way to tell US about what makes the tomato so good.)

Anyway, when I talked to my grandmother recently, she said that my mom "always had a special way of looking at things," and that she guessed mom was "what do they call it -- neuro-something? 'Aspie'? High-functioning, but still." And I told my cousin about it, and he said, "Wait, I thought it was common knowledge in our family that your mom was autistic?" (Note: we have other, officially diagnosed family members who are on different areas of the spectrum.) People always commented when I was growing up that it was like my mom's role and mine was reversed -- like I was the parent, and she was the child.

But to think my family had *recognised* that something was up, and left me, a child, to deal with it on my own?? To think they *pressured* someone who was "special" into having a child?

I know my mom loved me, but my whole life, she said she wished I'd never been born, and so she'd never have married my dad -- I know both can be true, that she loved me but wished she'd never had me (she'd have never known what she was missing). She only survived her marriage because I was there; I've always felt she'd have had a better life if she hadn't married him. When she tried to leave him, her mother would not take her in, because divorce was against her mother's Catholic beliefs (never mind that my uncle divorced twice)

I loved my mother, but were fought a lot, and she frequently exasperated me as we struggled to communicate. She frequently left words out, but did not believe that she did; when we met her last PCP the first time, he looked at me and said, "Is she always like this, or is she having a stroke?" And she would always angrily proclaim that I wasn't listening, when most of the time, it's that I couldn't get her to understand that she was working from a misconception or misunderstanding in the first place, because she would focus on ONE THING, to the exclusion of all else.

An example of an exchange (copied from a letter I wrote to a friend): We got into a weird argument yesterday. She had asked me for pain reliever, a glass of tap water (you're supposed to drink a full glass of water with the pills), and a "cold water" from the fridge (it's too cold to drink it all at once, but we both prefer ice water in general). Later, I was picking stuff up from her table-tray, including a bottle of pain reliever, and put a bunch of stuff away. When I passed by again, she asked for more cold water. I happened to look as see that she had the tap water glass still full, even though she had asked tor it half an hour before. I asked if I needed to bring the pain pill bottle back, because she hadn't drunk the tap water yet -- had I taken the pill bottle too soon, or had she forgotten to drink the water? She was all, "no, I said I need COLD water!" I said I knew that, and I would bring it; I was just asking of she had taken her pills already, or if I needed to bring the pill bottle back too. Her (again): "I said I need COLD WATER!" Me: "I know, and I will bring that -- I just want to know why you haven't drunk the tap water yet? Did you take your pills?" Her: "No, I'll take them at bed!" Me: "So I should bring back the pill bottle? Did I put it away too early?" Her: "YOU DON'T LISTEN! I SAID I NEED COLD WATER!" Me: "And I said I will bring that -- I'm just asking if you also need your pain pills?" Her: "You already took the bottle!! Did you forget that already?"

And then I finally spotted the white pain pills on the napkin under the tap-water glass, so I knew that no, I didn't need to bring it. But it's a frequent struggle to figure out how to phrase questions so I get the answer I need -- nearly every time, I get her screaming at me that I don't listen.

She loved me, but she was never mothering. She hated to be touched, so never hugged me; I was pretty touch-starved. I learned to read because she was a very slow reader when reading me stories; I got impatient and learned to do it for myself. She couldn't help me with my homework. She resented having to take me to school recitals and science fairs. She wasn't someone I could get advice from. I admit I was often envious of characters who had physically-loving, compassionate, wise mother-figures (who weren't so binary about morality -- and so weren't always screaming that this or that character should die, no matter how small the transgression).

But I wish she were still here to frustrate me -- that's so much better than not having her at all. And I wish I had been better at keeping my temper.

She was an atheist, and firm in that belief. Maybe she's right, or maybe her firm belief is affecting me, because I would dream frequently about others I have loved and lost, and swear I feel them, but with her ... nothing. Just a gaping hole in the fabric of my waking life, threatening to suck all the light and hope into it.

#mine #rant #personal #tw: death #cw: death #the death of my mom #my mom

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toonjazzy · 3 years

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Autism is not a burden

Devon: *Has her headphones on*

Sicillia: I just don’t know how you do it, Reese.

Reese: Do what??

Sicillia: You never get frustrated with Devon.

Devon: *Looks over*

Reese: Lia, Devon doesn’t think like us, she might but she takes longer to understand a few things.

Sicillia: I know that, but sometimes she’s just dramatic. She’s scared of everything, she never pays attention, and she’s so immature.

Devon: *Looks down, tries not to cry*

Reese: Sicillia, that isn’t nice. You can’t just think about her flaws, she is an amazing sister.

Sicillia: I get it, but she just frustrates me.

Devon: *Leaves without being noticed*

Reese: Listen, she takes things hard so choose your choice of words wisely, if she’s bored, it’s possible that she will get distracted because of her ADHD, but she is trying, and third, she is 15, you can’t expect her to be mature right away, she is sometimes but she also wants to enjoy her childhood.

Sicillia: ...I’m a bitch, a monster. I never tried to understand.

Reese: At least you do now.

In Devon’s room

Devon: *Plays sad music on her headphones and cries* Why can’t I be normal, why do I have to have these mental illnesses?? I wish I was normal. *Falls asleep*

With Reese and Tyler

Reese: I wish people would understand Devi, it breaks my heart when someone says these things about her.

Tyler: I agree, she should be treated fairly. Equally like everyone else, but still patient so that she doesn’t feel overwhelmed.

Reese: I promised my mom that I would help her with her Autism and ADHD.

Flashback 2010

7 year old Reese: Mommy, why does Devi scream all the time??

Reagan: Devon has something called “Autism”, she doesn’t know how to react to things so she might start screaming or hitting. Please be patient with her, it’s not her fault.

2013 When Devon was diagnosed with ADHD.

10 year old Reese: What is ADHD??

Reagan: It’s short for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It may be hard for her to focus and become distracted easily.

2016 when Reagan died

Reagan: Reese, promise me that you’ll help Devon with her Autism and ADHD.

13 year old Reese: I promise.

End of flashback

Reese: I will help her no matter what.

Tyler: So will I.

The next day

Reese: Devi, you’ve been sad all day. What’s wrong, hermana??

Devon: I heard what Sicillia said about me yesterday. Everyone hates me, I am immature, I’m a burden.

Reese: You’re not a burden, I wouldn’t trade you for anything, we all love you.

Devon: But I don’t have any friends.

Reese: Yes you do.

Devon: Really?? Name one friend besides Tyler.

Reese: Olly, Olivia, Bobby, Izzy and her siblings, the vellumentals, those DJ girls you’re always talking about.

Devon: They probably all hate me.

Reese: No they don’t, they love you, Izzy’s a lot like you.

Devon: Really?? What do Izzy and I have in common??

Reese: Both have nicknames, both have Autism and ADHD, both love dancing and disco music, both have pretty cyan blue eyes, both Pansexual.

Devon: ...I guess we are alike.

Reese: But just know that we all love you Devon, you’re important to us.

Devon: Thank you.

AWWWWW!! I almost cried. I often feel like I’m a burden for my Mild Autism, I wanna be treated the same but be more patient with me. My autistic characters are a lot like me. Everything that Devon said is what I usually think and I need art and music to make me feel better. This was to kind of give me hope. Stay Tooned -Jazzy

#pmtok hole punch #pmtok tape #pmtok rubber band #I’m not a burden

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applesauccce · 3 years

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What’s up gamers, back at it again with complaints and over sharing about my life. I swear I’m not turning into a life blogger, I just want somewhere to spew my thoughts that isn’t google docs. (Quick tw: gaslighting, emotional abuse, homophobia, eating disorders)

Anyways, so as a quick summary, I got on decent meds, have seen a real difference, but am still having a multitude of problems. Brain fog, inability to concentrate or focus on tasks (even if it’s something I want to do, like cleaning my room or painting), extreme memory loss, both short term and long term, an excess of nervous energy that prevents me from sleeping or concentrating, over sensitivity to various stimuli, food texture sensitivities, etc etc etc. I’m working with a very nice psychiatrist (he’s been very supportive) and hopefully will remember to find a therapist to work with as well.

Basically, we’ve been running through the potential causes for my issues and will slowly eliminate them. The current list of most likely causes of me not being able to function is as follows. Adhd (runs in the family on both sides, I have a lot in common with adhd individuals), Autism (likely, based on my behaviors), PTSD (welcome to Trauma Town), Anxiety (no shit Sherlock), and Depression (my current meds need more time to take full effect). Currently we are waiting to see if giving my current meds more time to take effect will help at all, but it’s very likely that it won’t solve everything.

Now here’s my problem. My mom (bless her heart in every way, she is an angel on earth) is extremely supportive in every way. She listens to me, validates my worries, asks genuine questions about my experiences, and is generally open minded to most everything. She genuinely wants the best for me and has learned over the years that her idea of what’s best may not necessarily be the solution, so she has chosen to be open minded and supportive.

My father on the other hand (my parents are divorced btw, you’ll see why in a moment) is the exact opposite. Take every boomer parent that thinks they know best. has the most set in stone and stubborn mindset, and throw in a heavy dash of narcissism (scratch that, pour in the whole container) and you have my trash bag of a father. To name just a few things that he does/says.............(brace yourself, it’s a long list)

Barely tolerates me being queer (pansexual, told him. Non binary, cannot tell him unless I want to be disowned, abused, and murdered)

Believes that women shouldn’t work after they are married and they need to have kids

Claims that trans, nb, and gender fluid people are “corrupted” and have been sent by Satan to destroy the nuclear family

Thinks “the gays” are some angry liberal movement, “just like those awful BLM people”. My favorite things he’s said is “they just want govenerment funding and special laws passed to give them the power to sue religious people”, “if you want respect, why don’t you go out and organize your gay friends and do a service project to show you’re good people”, “if someone’s uncomfortable with a gay person, they have the right to refuse service!” “But what if was the other way around? What if a gay person was uncomfortable with a religious person and refused them service?” “Thats discrimination!”, “I tolerate gay people! I’ve had gay friends!” “......you do realize that means next to nothing right?” “hOw RuDe!”, and finally “yeah, you’d marry a woman just to spite me.”

I was prescribed birth control by my dr for extremely painful periods. I then happened to go visit my bf at the time and since I didn’t want to stay in my moms house (had issues with her husband, he’s a nice guy tho, we chill now), his mom offered to let me stay in their spare room, as long as I kept the door locked at night. He found out and immediately called me a whore and said I was ruining my life, had used his insurance to get the birth control to have sex, and was a disrespectful disgrace to the family. He then proceeded to tell his entire family.

When I was talking about the possible diagnosis for my issues, I mentioned autism and he laughed and said “you don’t have autism, you’re normal. Plus, you don’t look like it, and you’re smart. Trust me, I know mental handicaps, I grew up with a handicapped sister.” (His sister does not have autism and is an extreme case, she needs round the clock care). Like thanks for invalidating my thoughts and research, saying I don’t look “disabled enough”, and saying I’m too smart to have problems.

When I was discussing my eating issues, I mentioned that it was likely I was/am anorexic, based on my behaviors and thought process surrounding food. He laughed and said “oh don’t be dramatic. You’re not anorexic. Look at you! Still plump and healthy, you have meat on your bones!” I told him it wasn’t about physical appearance, it was about the mental process about food. He rolled his eyes and said to stop self diagnosing myself. Like thanks for again invalidating me.

Is in general, a gaslighting, narcissistic, self righteous bitch who thinks he is the most amazing and religious person in the world. He constantly complains about not being able to find a new wife (I wonder why /s)

Not to mention his absolute cultish fanaticism over religion. Like don’t even get me started. He’s the reason that people think Mormons are cultists.

Anyways, so my dad sucks ass, but thinks he’s a god among men. The only reason I moved in with him was because at the time my mental health was really bad and I was having a very hard time dealing with my moms husband. Things are a lot better now and I’m lowkey considering moving back in with my mom bc holy fuck I am so sick of dealing with my father.

Also I’m trying to find a therapist to help me figure things out and help find a diagnosis. If it is autism, I’m going to shove it in his face and laugh at him. And if/when I get diagnosed with an eating disorder, I am also going to shove it in his face and tell him he’s a bitch. Can’t wait till he realizes that all his children hate him and are never going to “choose to live with their daddy” bc they’d rather not be gaslighted and emotionally abused.

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anxiously-going · 4 years

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April 15: Free day! Write about any topic you want!

As promised I want to discuss self-diagnoses, and in particular, mine.

The first thing you should no about self-diagnosing is that it's not a one and done thing.

It's finding a post that you relate to and being surprised to find it tagged as #actually autistic because "wait. Not everyone does that?"

Then ignoring it and brushing it off. Till you find more and more and more and eventually you think, "Ok. Maybe there's something to this."

And then it's research. So. Much. Research.

It's remembering events from childhood that now, armed as you are with your hours and hours of research make sense. Finally, they make sense.

It's reading and rereading the DSM-V on good days and bad days, thinking it will help you understand what it's saying if you read on both because it discusses "negative behavior".

But then you just regret it all together because, "What if I'm just faking it? What if I'm purposely trying to fit into the criteria?"

And part of you does what to fit. Because nothing else makes sense.

Anxiety covers some of your experience, but it can't explain other parts.

Depression does the same thing. It explains some things, but not others.

But all your research on autism? That answers so many questions.

It answers so many that it's almost painful. Because your whole life the answer was right there. But nobody in your life had the information resources to see it.

They didn't know any better than you did.

It's finally accepting after months and years of research and self-reflection and introspection that this is the answer.

You were the "weird kid" growing up, sure. But it wasn't "abnormal" it was just a different normal. And it feels like coming home. Suddenly you realize, everything that singled you out and made you "weird" was only weird because no one else understood. But now you do. You get it now. You're at peace with yourself.

For the most part.

There's still plenty of questioning, plenty of doubting, plenty more hours of research. But it gets less and less as time moves on.

That's how I came to discover I am autistic. I was doing some research for a character in an original work, and about a week into it, I stopped gathering information for that character and I started gathering it for myself.

The deeper I dug the more and more I found myself and my experience in the actually autistic tag, in the resources and experiences of others on ASAN.

I was just beginning to allow myself to believe that autism just might be the answer I'd been looking for when it happened.

I was asked point-blank by a coworker if I was autistic.

I explained all my research, explained how I had even found a study that linked Neurofibromatosis(a rare neurological disorder that I have) has been connected to autism and ADHD, especially in AFAB folks. And after all that I said that I still wasn't sure. I had a lot more to research, and I didn't think an official diagnosis was anywhere in my near future so I might not ever know for sure.

Then she told me she thought it made sense, I reminded her a great deal of her little sister, who is autistic. Now, mind you, my coworkers is in her sixties, and her sister had been diagnosed as a child.

I can't really explain the relief I felt when she said that. It was so....comforting to know that the hours, and at that point almost a year's worth of research, I had put it in made sense to some besides me. Someone that had known me less than a month at that point.

That's been about two and a half years ago now.

Not long after that I worked up the nerve to show my mom the study I had found that linked NF to autism and ADHD. At first, she didn't really say much and I let the matter drop.

A few months later we were at training for work and went with some of her work buddies to lunch and standing in line in that tiny restaurant I started to get overwhelmed. Mom offered to order for me so I could go outside and wait.

When she and her friends came out, one of them asked me if I was ok.

I said I was, and since my mom and I hadn't really talked about the autism thing much, I just said that I get overwhelmed in loud crowded places.

And my mom, without us ever really talking about it, said that it was a sensory thing and had I been in public school I probably would have been diagnosed with autism.

Most of the time, I'd say get permission from someone before saying something like that, just in case the person you're talking about doesn't actually want people knowing.

But for me. In that moment. It was validating. Someone else was seeing what I had only just learned to see in myself. And not just that, but it wasn't a big deal. It was a statement, and yes there was a little bit of explaining, but for the most part the conversation just moved right along. No one commented on my rocking or sternum tapping or lack of eye contact.

Discovering that I'm autistic has been one of the best experiences of my life. It gave me so many answers and it gave me permission, in so many ways, to be myself. It taught me to be gentle with myself when I shutdown, and not berate or get angry at myself when I meltdown, it taught me to be kinder to myself.

All of those things are still struggles for me, I'll be honest. But it's at least helped. It's been a step in the right direction.

#30daysofautismacceptance #2020 #30daysofautismacceptance 2020 #sorry this one got long and rambling

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malazansapper · 4 years

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autism month april

{edit: april 25:}knowing other autistic people corporeally? family? wanting to?

hrm not really. one of my weekly bus rides used to pick up a day group, and there was one person i was knowing was autistic: i liked to see them, but no interaction: we would just both make hands on the bus hahaha. i dont really know any other people.

maybe more broadly neurodivergent ppl? colleen was telling me some story about seeing a psychologist?a therapist? and being told there was some kind of maybe developmental delay, and in her 30s she was told to spend time every day crawling on the floor because she didnt get enough as a child. sounds wild to me: different times. and i know colleen has a hard time with other people but seems able to be around me ok. so idk hahah.

family: again, much obvious neurodivergence, but none specific autism. its all fractured tho, so i dont really know. theres a lot of bipolar disorder, but could just be sexist misdiagnosis. also a streak of schizophrenia. could see my grandma being autistic: really idk, hard to say, i dont actually know them all that well.

talked about some in other post, but: older sister was delayed a few years in speaking, had trouble early school {homeschool maybe 2 years, bit then was able to be public school}, and was later on diagnosed with some generic learning disability thing. my take away from stories around that is just that my parents and systems [schools and like pediatricians{and probly things like church: parents were southern evangelicals}] were rather inept, and ignored things or didnt know what to do: idk. i know she has social difficulties even now, but she ended up finding a good support and like has a career and family. mom said she always wanted to fit in, or maybe thats what my parents like imprinted on her, and i guess it worked well enough. all that to say: i think shes autistic, and im upset on her behalf?

i ended up being closer to my younger and youngest sister: i think there were kind of walls put up around our older sister. both of them ended up experiencing some events of pyschosis? breaks in consensus reality? they got diagnosed with bipolar disorder for that, and my younger sister has spent some time in like residential care or paychiatric hospitals? dang weve lived through some stuff hahah. my littlest sister also got diagnosed with adhd, and also had some issues with speech as a kid. i could see littlest sister being autistic sister. dunno about younger one. all of that to say: i think were all neurodivergent in some way. mom too. oh ya littlest sister and i both have heart issues and just like randomly pass out/faint sometimes: hrm, that to say: i like sharing things {even problems!} with them, so maybe i hope one day that another of them gets diagnosis autism.

mom has again tendencies of adhd i think and accusations of bipolar disorder. i know she can like hyperfocus on things and forgets to sleep or eat. {so different: if i dont sleep or eat: i just completely melt}. she likes hands on stuff: building, art: same as me and littlest

is wanting to know other autistic ppl in my life?: idk! id like to try but cant really imagine what that might look like! its tiugh: its tough to get past each other i think. i wonder what kind of presentation/factors of someone else autism would work well with mine.

{edit: more thoughts in the day: maybe unfair towards parents with upset. maybe their own neurodivergence and or masking stopped from seeing or acting on something being off. maybe knew and tried to supress in order to not be found out themselves? maybe thought might lose children if known? idk has been thoughts that i dont have to be upset about what happened? idk idk idk}

#mine #autism #autistic #april #2020 #spring #30daysofautismacceptance

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mental-health-advice · 4 years

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Submission about abuse

i don’t know if what i went through as teenager or even now counts as emotional or verbal abuse. my mom would indirectly call me stupid, talk down to me in a voice as if i have a fish for brains, and she calls me “manic” A LOT which is a word i have grown to strongly dislike. she still talks to me in a voice like im 2 years old or i have fish for brains. shes also threatened to put me in a mental hospital before and said “thats where the cr*zy people are.” shes implied that im stupid in ½.

in many different ways. i have both autism and ADHD. i think it also didnt help that my little sister has gotten labeled as “the smart one” in our family because of her perfect grades and because she does a lot, so i believe deep down i habor some resentment towards her. i don’t believe that im intelligent. im not saying that to be self deprecating thats honestly the facts. i also never felt properly emotionally nurtured throughout my whole life and im 24 now, so i go looking for 2/2

fulfillment in hurt/comfort fics and i find that i have ALWAYS done that. ive always daydreamed about someone comforting me or created fake scenarios in my head where i emotionally vent to either a fictional character or a favorite musician. i honestly can’t stop that and i do it every single day. spirtual people say i need to “forgive” her for being this way because one day she won’t be here or god will take her back and that just makes me feel horrible. but ive been on the fence if that 4/4.

counts as emotional or vebal abuse. 5/5.

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear that your mom treats you like this. It's never okay to treat someone this way!

There can be some overlap between emotional and verbal abuse, and verbal abuse can often be used to emotionally abuse someone, but there are some key differences. Emotional abuse is when the abuser uses emotion to manipulate and control someone. For instance, the abuser may intimidate or shame their victim. Other tactics used to emotionally abuse someone includes humiliation, criticism, and control. On the other hand, verbal abuse can occur by withholding (such as withholding thoughts, feelings, and emotions), countering in order to start arguments, and discounting by not allowing the victim to have the right to their own feelings (such as by making fun of the victim for crying after the abuser insults them). If you'd like more details about the differences between emotional and verbal abuse, feel free to take a look at this link.

Based off of what I explained above, it sounds like your mom could be emotionally (manipulating you by making threats, for instance) and verbally abusive (putting you down, calling you manic and crazy, etc.), but know that this is abuse no matter which type of abuse it is! Your mom treats you horribly and is always cutting you down, which is definitely abusive. Know that you absolutely do not deserve to be treated this way, no matter what diagnoses you have or how good of grades your sister gets in school. This doesn't mean you deserve to be abused.

You mentioned resenting your sister and I think that makes a lot of sense. It sounds like the wai your mom treats you is related to your sister's behaviors and accomplishments, so it's understandable that you would feel this wai towards your sister. I think anyone in this situation would probably feel like this, so know that your feelings are totally valid.

It also makes sense that you've been seeking out comfort from other sources since you haven't been getting that anywhere else. Many people who haven't gotten their emotional needs met throughout their life will likely end up seeking that out elsewhere. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with daydreaming about the emotional support you deserve, but it may be worth looking into other ways of getting these needs met if this is causing you distress. For instance, maybe you could try making friends who will be there for you emotionally in the ways your mom and other people in your life haven't been.

While it's true that your mom will no longer be here one day, this doesn't mean that you're required to forgive your mom for abusing you. Nobody should ever be forced to forgive their abuser for any reason unless they truly want to. There's always this idea that children must love and forgive their parents no matter how poorly they were treated by them, but you don't have to do so unless you actually want to. You're entitled to whatever feelings you have toward your mom for the way she has treated you.

With all of this being said, I'm wondering if there are any ways of getting away from your mom because you definitely don't deserve to keep living with her abuse tactics, assuming you live with her from the way it sounds. Is there anyone else you're able to stay with, such as friends or another family member? If not, do you know of any resources in your community that may be able to help you get out of this abusive situation? I just bring up these options because, as I said before, you don't deserve to be stuck with your mom any longer than you already have.

Take care!

-Samantha

#abuse #emotional abuse #verbal abuse #abusive parent #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mhasamantha

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fatesxedda · 4 years

Text

Mun Day Ghost Story

A bit late since my day off has been consumed by pokemon but better late than never. Something I have wanted to talk about is my own experiences with the supernatural. Nothing as cool as you see in media or see in anime but they are experiences that have imprinted on me for good or worse.

I will put this under a read more but if you’re interested? Take a looksee.

So before I start, I want to make my mental health history clear. I am not a schizophrenic, I am not known to hear voices or see things, and if I were? My parents would have had me diagnosed long ago. My family has a plethora of health issues so we try to stay on top of things as best as we can, my self included.

What I do have is autism, asbergers to be specific with ADHD with a bit of neurosis however none of these are known to cause hallucinations. I want to get this out of the way because for a little while, I thought I was going crazy or that I had something else going on in my head. It should also be noted that after we left, I have not had any more of the experiences I am about to talk about. I have not heard voices or seen anything since. We moved when I was 18 and I am 23 as of writing this so it’s been a good 5 or so years and I still haven’t heard or seen anything.

With my mental health covered, I can now get to the real topic. I will try not to ramble too much but I will set up the story a bit. Before we moved to North Carolina, we lived in West Virginia. When I was about...8 or 9 my mom just had my second sister. We lived in a small house, not big enough for a family of 5 so we had to move from Crab Orchard to Beckley, a short distance but that doesn’t matter. What matters is the house. On paper, it was perfect. A bit of a fixer upper but it had 4 bed rooms, one for each child and one for my parents. My grand parents lived down the road and despite it being in what would eventually become a bad neighborhood, things were quiet and peaceful.

It was an old house, built during World War 2 according to my grand parents. I think I heard someone say the original occupant was an old lady and that she died inside but it’s been so long, I could be remembering wrong but that has stuck with me ever since. For awhile things were alright for the most part, but as a child I would hear creaking and movement through out the house at night. I was never one to sleep at night, and if you know anything about ADHD, those who have it don’t sleep easily. I never slept much as a child and if you look at me, it shows. Every night, I would hear what would sound like creaking to the point I would cry and hope what ever it was would go away. Eventually, I would start closing the door at night, hoping that it would just stay outside the door. It could have been my anxiety but it always felt like something was at the door, just standing there. Hell, to this day, I can’t leave a door open at night, lest I see something I REALLY don’t want to see.

Something TV shows about ghosts get wrong (in my experience anyway) is how they make it seem like it’s a constant threat, something is happening every night. If that were the case, you would grow used to it. In the old house I grew up in, something would happen, stop for looooooooong periods of time and then it would start up again. Like, something happens and then you are in this constant state of fear like “Is it going to show itself tonight? Tomorrow? Next week?” Whatever was in the house was scarce enough for me to not be able to predict what would happen and when, which really fucked me up in that regard.

Through out my middle school and high school years, the following would go on. Instead of going into long anecdotes, I’ll just summarize each encounter:

As mentioned before, I don’t hear voices. I don’t have schizophrenia nor am I on heavy drugs that cause hallucinations. With that said, on two separate occasions, I would have a man whisper in my ear one night and then a woman. I can’t remember exactly what they said, but I think it was one word like “Wait” or something along those lines. To be honest, I think I was too scared to really memorize what they had said and to this day, I sleep with a pillow over my head as it keeps my ears covered.

My mom’s mother would occasionally visit us and on this one particular visit, her purse flew off the counter. She looked at my mom, told her she had to leave, and she quickly hopped in her truck and drove off. That was the last time she visited us; she refused to come to our house unless she was with our grandfather and even then she refused to step inside.

I always knew something was in the house, so I always kept a light on somewhere in my room. My night light was the private bathroom my bedroom had. But once or twice, I would see a shadow move across the light. After that, I would close the bathroom door and use my TV as a nightlight. This may sound childish but I still need some sort of light or I won’t sleep well. Luckily I have a salt lamp so it makes me feel better but it still feels silly that I need it...

Speaking of the bathroom, something was DEFINITELY in there as I had three encounters! The first being while I was in the shower. I recently came to the conclusion this had to be supernatural because I was showering, something fell, busted a piece of porcelain off the toiler and cut my leg. I thought about it the other week and I can’t think of what caused it. On one hand it was so long ago that maybe I don’t remember but at the same time, I don’t think I was close enough. The bathroom was small, small enough to where the toilet and tub were adjacent to each other. I’m still iffy on this one but I can’t think of any logical explanation for how a piece of the toilet broke off and cut my leg. It hurts my head thinking about it...

The second encounter was, once again, shower related but instead it was after I got out. I was drying off, taking my time, probably getting ready for school the next day only to hear a loud *BANG* and something fly past my head. It was a shampoo bottle. I know I didn’t have it on top of the medicine cabinet as it would make no sense to put shampoo there. I looked behind me and nothing was there. If it wasn’t for the fact that I didn’t want to tell my parents at the time, I would have totally used one of the other bathrooms.

And then the third and last remembered encounter with what ever was inside that house. I was in my room, my mom came in and laid on my bed while I was chilling at my desk. She was bored and just wanted to see what I was up to and made herself comfy in my room. We were shooting the breeze for a bit until at the corner of my eye, I see something in my tub. I thought it was my sister and I was “Hey! What are you doing in the tub?”. Well my mom left my bed room door open and my sister was in the room next to mine and is all “Uh what are you talking about?” I made one take and for a second I saw something black with red eyes peering at me from behind the shower curtains. But because I did a double take, it was gone when I looked the second time, the only evidence of it being there was a shifting curtain that close. Suffice to say? I freaked out a little.

This one is a bonus as this did not happen to me but one of my sisters. This is after we moved from one state to another and one day while she and my mom are out and about, she(my sister) gets a call from the old house. Last we heard, it was vacant so there should have been no reason for her to get a call. Well, she answered it and when she asked who it was, there was response, only a moment of silence before the other end hung up. We never figured out what happened but we haven’t gotten a call from the old place since.

There’s probably more that I’m forgetting but that’s basically the run down of the major stuff. I was there until I was 18 and I have to say, it’s been unpleasant, I won’t lie. I told my mom all about it since she believes in this sort of thing I later learned. She had a few occurrences happened but nothing like I had to the point she thinks I’m sensitive to this sort of thing. Everyone else in my house are skeptics but I know what I say, I know what was in there, and it wasn’t friendly.

As a side note: According to my grandparents, the area we lived in was once fought on during the civil war. They would use a metal detector and found quite a few things, even a canon ball! If I had to guess? I think the house is haunted by a pissed off solider maybe? Maybe even the old lady that lived there over a decade ago but I’m not completely sure to be honest. Frankly, I don’t care as long as i stays over there. We considered asking some local priests to bless the house, and considering Catholics are known for training exorcists (look it up), you would think it would be a good idea but I learned it isn’t that easy and they will more than likely turn you away.

But yeah, that’s my long winded story of my old haunted house. Take it for what you will. If you made it this far? Good on you, I applaud your patience! Have a good night and don’t fuck with the dead.

#mun speaks #long post

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intj-confessions · 5 years

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1/ Okay so my younger brother got diagnosed with autism when he was 2 and I was 7 years old and everything was great. But over the years more and more things that I would consider rational and relatable behaviour in my brother, others would consider very obvious autistic traits. And then I came across some studies saying that siblings of autistic people tend to have autistic traits and I was like "this makes a lot of sense" and didn't think much of it.

2/ Recently, I have come to the conclusion that my older also undiagnosed brother definitely has autism. He 100% agrees even if he doesn’t like saying he does because he spent years conditioning himself out of as many traits as possible in order to fit it. In the last week, upon much reflection, I’ve come to further realise that as a girl who was brought up with very strict gender roles and obviously will not present with the same behaviour as my other two brothers.

3/ Especially when it terms of socialising because the only reason why the idea that I was autistic was never even in the realm of possibility is that I am a goddamn psychologist. My job relies on my being good at picking up social nuance and without tooting my own horn I like to think, and have been reliably informed, that I’m pretty good at it. Except as a psychologist, I know that that’s not necessarily how autism works. So now I’m at a loss. I don’t want to try to get a diagnosis.

4/ I don’t think I need formal services or supports or stuff like that. More importantly, I don’t want to see myself or have others see me through an autism lens. I want my quirks to be quirks unique to me and not another yes on a diagnostic checklist. Apart from my older brother, no one has ever brought up the fact that I (we) may be on the spectrum as well and I want to keep it that way. I’m a lot of things that aren’t typical especially where I’m living.

5/ It’s already difficult moving through the world; I don’t want to add to that. But I also desperately want to be told that I’m right because it would explain so much of my life and maybe a diagnosis would enhance the way I see my life and not diminish it. But also how does an adult go about getting a neurodevelopmental disorder diagnosis? Talking to my parents about this isn’t really a possibility, if it was I wouldn’t be here. (Sorry about the length, didn’t think it would be this long).

6/ Now just realised that maybe your INTJ blog wasn’t the best place to send these asks? Maybe your mommy problems blog??? I’ve just followed you for a long time and I felt that you were the best person who’s not in my personal life to ask at 03:00 in the morning. Ooooh I regret everything about this now.

Just an FYI, you can always PM me off anonymous. If you don’t want a public response you can just say so, and I’ll respond privately. Bypasses the “oops wrong blog” thing. But seriously, don’t worry about it.

There are a couple of quizzes available online, though I don’t know if you believe in those. Many people find them helpful, and people with a formal diagnosis do score high on these things.

Personally, I don’t find validation a good enough reason to seek a professional diagnosis. It’s really expensive, and it can be potentially harmful in stuff like custody/CPS cases to have that kind of thing on file. You could always try having another psychologist buddy give you an informal diagnosis, but I don’t know if they’d be willing to do that, and they’d need to be familiar with all the traits of an adult female autistic, which most people are not.

As one therapist told me, even if you don’t have enough traits to qualify as autistic yourself, they’re still there and they’re still valid. They don’t cease to exist because you lack a diagnosis, or because you don’t have enough. It was really important for me to hear, and I hope you take it to heart as well.

It definitely runs in families. I can’t tell you how stupid I feel as someone who breeds animals, and totally understands that personality traits are heritable, yet I totally dismissed a lot of my own quirks as environmental. A lot of this was due to not having the names for things like Sensory Processing Disorder or Social Anxiety, but I totally expected NT kids despite my husband and I having weird-ass brains. I mean:

Him: ADHD, Anxiety, Depression

Me: Autism (probably), Anxiety, SPD

Kid 1: Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, ADHD (possible, we will find out once we start medicating the rest)

Kid 2: Autism, SPD

Kid 3: Quirky with a speech delay. School says autism and the psychologist says no. So we’ll see.

Going further up the family tree, my sister is bipolar, as was my grandmother. My husband’s mom has anxiety, and some other shit (her mom was also whacky). My cousin’s kid appears to have SPD. Several family members have told me they think my other grandma might have had ADHD. So yeah, there is ND all over the family tree. It pisses me off so much when people go on about the autism “epidemic,” because all you have to do is look back through history and it’s everywhere. There are autism spikes in areas where certain industries are prevalent (like tech), because when a couple engineers with autistic traits marry, they will have autistic kids.

Here are some links for you.

Autism Spectrum Quotient.

Aspie Quiz

Tony Attwood - Aspergers in Girls (video, I have not seen but it’s supposed to be pretty accurate)

Whether or not you seek a diagnosis is up to you, but if you don’t, like a lot of us you’re going to be torn on the issue for a while. Remember that you know your brain best. You’ve just got to make peace with yourself. A diagnosis does not change who you are.

#autism #autistic #diagnosis #mental health #actuallyautistic

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keyhala · 6 years

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So... about life.

I've been wanting to write this for a while. I just haven't had the time, the energy, or the willingness to accept 'defeat'.

It's a long one, so below cut for length.

Some of you might remember a post I made back in 2017, which dealt with all the things that happened to me and Shortstuff between 2014 and 2016, leaving us to leave the house we'd bought, move one and a half hour away from my working place and just... destroyed us with how her mother could not behave like an adult and had to villainize us for... well, nothing.

For those of you who haven't, the post is here. Please feel free to read it.

At the time, I expressed a hope that things would get better from there on out. That we could manage the years we'd promised to rent the house out for, and things could... get better.

They didn't.

The brother said he was going to buy the house after renting it, but a few months in, he decides he doesn't want it. It has too many problems. He complains the bills are too high (I just send him the bills, I don't forge them, idiot. You pay what you use in electricity and gas) and he complains that we're stealing money from them (We're not. They're paying EXACTLY what the house costs every month, not a penny more. Nothing for upkeep, nothing for renovations, or new utilities, that's ALL on us), and proceeds to NOT PAY HIS BILLS for several months.

At the time, the mother at least steps in and pays what's due, so it's all okay. 2017 is going okay, for a bit.

Then Shortstuff's student funding is pulled in August. She gets nothing. I say it's fine, you are only studying 50%, finish school. I'll fix the money for now. She get's sick leave 50% FINALLY after years of talking with her psychiatrist, and the next hit hits.

She isn't getting any sick pay, despite being away the 50%, because she's studying, and will be getting her sick pay from her student funding. But... her student funding is zero. She gets nothing. So we go to social services, as for social funding.

She doesn't get any, because I earn money, and I can support her.

In the same breath as this, I start feeling bad. Really bad. I wake up with fevers, shaking, throwing up. I go to work, I feel disconnected, I fall asleep, I get fevers, I feel disoriented. More throwing up, more fever. I call in sick, go to the doctor. They find nothing. Rest up until fever is gone, back to work. Two weeks later, same thing.

This keeps going for a few months, until eventually I decided to make an appointment with the closes emergency psychiatrist as well. She finally connects the dots. I'm burning out, and fast. I'm so stressed I start forgetting things, I get so stressed I get fevers, I am so stressed I can't sleep. Everything is just piling up. She suggest I take 100% sick leave and rest up.

But I'm the only income we have. I can't. I make $2000 and the bills are $1600. cutting out 20% that full sick leave does will put us in the red.

In December, they convince me to take 25% off, and get a sick day in the middle of the week (Wednesday) and see if that helps. 25% means after sick pay I'll have $1800. Just enough for the bills.

But the Government takes its sweet time.

We can't cover our bills. We keep burning through our savings. Stuff at the house breaks, the brother doesn't pay his bills, the MOTHER starts not paying the bills. We go about $1000 in the red one month. Shortstuff decides to try working 10 hours a week despite her inability to do both that and study with her own sick leave, but she does it for my sake. It's not enough, we keep losing savings, we'll go bankrupt if this keeps up.

We decide to sell the house.

WW3 ensues. No, seriously. The mother is FURIOUS, she starts calling, yelling, blowing up. The BROTHER blows up, starts stealing furniture, stops paying bills entirely, tries sabotaging things for the sale. Things get worse at work, too, for Shortstuff.

At work, her mother is there. Her mother who harasses her, makes her feel unsafe, and just generally treats her bad. She gets pulled into the changing room and yelled at for personal stuff, AT WORK and can't say anything back because her mother is a group manager. She get's shoved, told to work more, told to not loiter the moment she stops a second, and just generally feels unsafe and stressed.

She gets home sick, and her mother LEAVES WORK UNANNOUNCED just after lunch to take the one and a half hour trip to our apartment, barge her way in, and proceeds to lecture Shortstuff (40 degrees Celsius of fever, sinus infection and drugged down on fever inhibitors) on what a horrible person she was, how much of a traitor she was, and that she should know that if her sister (who has late-diagnosed diabetes, and also an eating disorder, and who REALLY shouldn't be living with the mother considering how she's acting and behaves) DIES, Shortstuff would have to live with 'having murdered her sister'. She leaves after demanding she show up on Christmas, and stating she wants her 'kind and caring' daughter back.

She just wants her TOOL back. The daughter who you could get money from, put all your subscriptions on, rest your entire future on and DEMANDED would take care of you for the rest of your life.

Granted, this isn't helping matters. Shortstuff doesn't want to go back to work. I understand. We talk to the management at work about it... nothing happens. As always.

I can't get ahold of my doctor in January to prolong my sick leave, so I go back 100%. Fall sick 10 days later, stress. Finally get ahold of my doctor again in February, and she sets me back to 25% sick leave, and sends me to a psychiatrist for a proper evaluation, since my therapist says she can't seem to help me with my stress.

I keep going on sick leave 25%, being free Wednesdays and... it kind of works? It kind of works. I don't get sick every two weeks, but I still go to bed every day immediately after work. I know I'm going to Japan in June for Tales of Festival but unless the house sells and we get money in, we won't afford it. It makes me sad, makes me want to sleep and never wake up. It feels like stuff will never end.

I make calls daily. To real estate people, to bank, to government about shortstuff's rejected sick leave, to government about MY sick leave, about insurances, cutting down on things to save money, selling stuff online to get money, doing commissions—

In March, my computer dies. Not a problem for 7 years, and one day I'm drawing, it lets out a high-pitched shriek, and dies. Motherboard fried. Everyone online is the same: no use repairing, better to buy a new one.

New one is $4000. I borrow the money from my mother, and cry as friends online send me a few $100 in helping pay her back.

I finally get my evaluation from the psychiatrist. Undiagnosed for 28 years, I have ADHD and Autism. It's likely why I've been unable to handle 'normal' stress and why I've burned out. It explains SO much stuff about myself I always thought was weird. She suggests we prolong my sick leave of 25% still, and I agree.

I tell my mom. She says she doesn't think I have anything, 'anyone can get a diagnosis if they try' and she scoffs at me saying the medicines will help me. It hurts. I don't tell my dad.

medicines help. I feel more at ease, I don't procrastinate as much, I feel like I can start and finish stuff. The first few days I keep looking over my shoulder, because for once, my head is silent even when I'm not 100% engulfed in something.

We keep trying to fix stuff at the house. House showcase is set to May 3rd and May 6th. We get the photographing done, clean up (while trying to avoid the people still living there who aren't even paying the bills anymore) and get it up on the web.

First showcase is a success. 3 people interested. One person calls the realtor and asks him what we want for it. I explain we want 10% above asking price to let it go. I hear nothing back. Friday we're heading up to Stockholm for a comic convention we agreed to months before and I managed to make nothing for since I've not had a productive day for months. On our way to the train, we get a call. The person interested is willing to buy it for 10% above asking price, if we sign immediately.

We're heading to Stockholm, though, and I explain that. Realtor mentions his WIFE is working at a place close to the station, faxes the contract there and we head there in a hurry to sign, then head up to Stockholm.

The sale goes through, moving in date is 11th of June, the day before we're to head to Japan.

We book time for cleaning, reiterate to the mother and brother that they have to move out by May 31st (as stated in the contract we wrote them in February). They're not happy. I don't care, I just want the house sold. We're burning through our savings fast and will have NOTHING for Japan unless this goes through.

Zelda, our sweet, darling cat, falls sick again. We decide it's time for her to go. 6 wonderful years with a kitty no one thought would survive the first night we found her. She fell asleep in my arms out in the sun on May 23rd.

When we arrive back at the apartment (that we're renting from Shortstuff's father, who's held a VERY passive role in this... thus far), we are met by her eldest brother (not same one as who's renting) and the father. They tell us we need to be out of the apartment by June 30th.

They KNEW we were heading to Japan on the 12th, they KNEW we wouldn't be back until the 27th. They KNEW we had stuff with the house all the way up to the 11th. THEY KNEW WE JUST PUT OUR CAT TO REST.

Worst of all, they complained we 'only' gave them 3 months to find a new place to live. They gave us 1, a month we wouldn't be able to look for a place for 3 weeks of the time.

We know now, later, that the Mother was given the apartment, the 'poor thing' because we had 'ruined her life'. Also, she has been spouting to everyone she owned a 3rd of the house and we've scammed her... y'know.

We lent her $7000 in October 2016 to help with Shortstuff's sister's care. We didn't get any money back from that. They didn't pay any bills the last months, putting us back about $5000, they sabotaged stuff in the house (breaking stuff, ripping electrical sockets from wall, cutting off TV cable, letting the pool pump be out in freezing temperatures so it broke) putting us back EVEN MORE in costs for the house... but we scammed her. Sure.

So suddenly we have two weeks before going to Japan, no time to mourn our lost family member, scrambling to find an apartment.

Luckily, my dad came to the rescue. A friend of his' daughter was going to rent an Apartment just half an hour's walking distance from my job, but her job offer fell through so she had just told them she couldn't take it. We got the number, called, asked if it was still up.

It was. It's more expensive than the other apartment, slightly smaller, but it's liveable. We're told we can move in July 4th. That makes us homeless for 5 days, but dad says we can stay with him if so.

I have a meeting with a nurse at the psychiatrists office in end May, talking about how the medicines are working. I remind her they promised to prolong my sick leave and my current slip ends May 31st, and she promises to fix one.

It doesn't happen, for some reason.

We DO get the house in order (even if they moved out 2 days late, ruined stuff, and left furniture, rotting food and everything in disarray so we had to pay EXTRA for the cleaning), we get the papers signed June 11th, we get our money, pay off our debts (Mom for computer, sister and her boyfriend for covering our lost revenue on bills)... and we go to Japan.

Japan and Tales of Festival gave me life again. I met people, I laughed, I had FUN, I didn't have to WORRY for ONCE. Tales of Vesperia got so much love and I was overwhelmed when they announced the party, I looked at Shortstuff and she just went 'go'.

I love Shortstuff, so much. Without her, I wouldn't have been here today. My psychiatrist agrees. She still wonders how I'm still alive.

Japan was fun, but coming back home hit me hard. We didn't have time to think, packing everything up, and moving. We manage to pressure the father to let us stay until July 4th, since they gave us so little notice AND they overstayed their welcome in the house.

We move into the new apartment July 4th, but the previous tenants had apparently been a hassle and moved out too late too, so the electricity hasn't been wired (they were replacing old wiring) so we only had electricity in the kitchen. It would take a few weeks, he said.

It took 3 weeks of us living in only the kitchen of our 2 rooms and kitchen apartment before we had electricity. During this time, Sweden was still mid up in its '100 days without rain' and 35+ degrees outside. The apartment was 28 degrees. It was torture.

First week of living there, I get word from the government. They're denying all my sick pay from December to May, because they don't see how I can work 75% but not 100%, and why I have to have a free day midweek ('How is your work capability 100% some days and 0% some days???') which means the money I thought was gonna come in, isn't. The sick leave extension I was going to get for June (and late July) also didn't happen, so I have no choice but going back to working 100% from July 2nd. I call my doctor's office about appealing and seeing about continuing sick leave, and they tell us they'll arrange a time.

...That went as well as we thought it would.

I planned a trip to Japan September 5th to 18th for the Tales of Vesperia Anniversary Party, and in the time from July 2nd to September 5th, I've been sick home from work 26 days. 26 days out of 47. My boss is wondering if everything is okay, I tell him it isn't. They know everything that's going on, and they nod and tell me to take it easy and just say if I need help with anything.

Shortstuff comes back to work since her school is on pause, and her mother is on Vacation. It works fine for a while, and when schools tarts again she goes down to 50%. School is set to end in October.

But her mother comes back, and she gets sick. VERY sick. She gets a sick leave of 75% (because she wanted to bring in some money) in beginning August, then meets her psychiatrist again in end August, who immediately sets her to full sick leave, and antidepressants, because she's considered suicidal.

Work wonders why, I reiterate that her mother makes her feel unsafe, and that Shortstuff has been feeling bad all year from seeing me have to struggle to bring in money while she does 'nothing'. That she's had zero income since October 2017, because the government sucks.

The government still hasn't approved her sick leave.

End August, I get terrible side effects from my medicines. I feel like I'm dying, my heart beats so fast I can't breathe, and I get clammy and nauseous. I get ahold of a doctor in beginning September and they ask why I haven't called earlier (I have) and they tell me they scheduled a time for September 19th. They also tell me to cut my medication. I extend my vacation to the 19th, because I know I won't have the energy for both work and doctor's appointment that day.

Second to last day before I go to Japan, I cry at work all afternoon. I barely make it through the day and go home, I cry hysterically all evening. i just want to give up, I don't want to fight anymore, I can't. Shortstuff feels horrible, and I feel all the more horrible about making her feel that way.

I go to Japan. I spent the first few days trying best I can to just get out of bed and do the things I wanted to. I spend more money than I should, because currently, the only joy I get is from buying things. That's the only time I feel excited or happy.

It's fun, though, but I can't sleep. I Skype with Shortstuff every night when it gets too late so I can fall asleep with her there. I can barely get out of bed, I barely eat. But I try having fun. Anxiety fucks me up several times per day and I cry hysterically every evening, but I try to have fun.

I feel like giving up.

The Anniversary Party was the best day of the year. Maybe my life. I had tickets to both shows, I got to see everything, and I had a few hours of NO worry, NO real life... just Love for my absolute favourite game. I've preordered 6 versions of the Definitive Edition.

My mom would tell me to not spend all the money we got from selling the house, but I DEFINITELY need 6 versions of the remaster of my favourite game. Bite me.

I come back home. I sleep. I go to the doctor.

I break down. She can't understand why it took so long for them to book me a meeting since I called in July, she can't understand why I got denied sick pay, especially since I was set to be 100% sick but decided to try fighting because I couldn't afford being sick.

She writes a long, long list of descriptions of my burnout, my ADHD, my Autism, why they make me unable to work, why we're appealing. She prescribes me new medication, she writes me another letter. I'm on 100% sick leave from that day. She asks me if I'll be okay money wise or if we should try 75% again, and I just hell her I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I've barely gotten by for a year because I couldn't afford full sick leave and that just made it worse and I STILL couldn't afford it so 100% might be just as well.

She looks honestly sad and upset when she writes the prescription, and tells me she'll send me a copy of the Note to the government once she's finished it. She mentions she's set the initial sick leave period until the 31st of December.

I tell my boss the next day, I tell my coworkers. No one is surprised. Everyone knows what's going on, everyone knows what has happened. No one can do anything about Shortstuff's Mom being at the workplace even though she's probably 70% of the reason why Shortstuff is on antidepressants (yours truly and her guilt about that being the remaining 30%) and about 50% of the reason why I am, because it's 'difficult' to fix a situation like that.

I understand, but I also don't. On Shortstuff's Note it says 'unclear' on the question if the doctor thinks she can ever come back to work. I am on sick leave until the end of the year. But her mother gets to keep her job, gets a free apartment, and complains how 'everything' is against her and how people never care about her.

I hate her.

I got my note today. I'm crying. I'm crying now, as I'm writing. My doctor is so angry, she's describing my issues, how much Ive struggled, how much I've TRIED to work despite needing to be full sick leave, how hard I've fought to need as little government support as possible, and she CAN'T understand how they could deny a patient with that much issues.

On my note, it says 'unclear' on if I can ever go back to work.

I... I'm 28 years old. And they think that this... all this... might have damaged me so much I can never work again.

But sure, Shortstuff's Mom is the victim.

She gets away scot free and more... but she's the victim. She's alienated Shortstuff from her entire family. None of her siblings talk to her. They threw their baby sister under the bus for an abusive and manipulative mother, even after telling her they'd be on her side.

And for what?

The ONLY thing we ever did, was saying we wanted to move to a place of our own.

If that's a crime worthy of ruining two young people's lives over, then wow.

Wow.

I'm just babbling now. This has been incoherent but...

I feel horrible about this too but... I have a donation thing on Paypal. For now we still have money left from the house sale. But we've signed for a new apartment end next year... and we hope that moving there, we'll be able to get our life together. Live again.

So... if anyone has the ability to or want to, please consider dropping something in there. I might open a Ko-fi too if anyone prefers that rather than PayPal.

I'll also make some sales posts later but... yeah.

I've babbled enough. Just... I wanted people to know why I've been... on and off, and what's going on and...

Just...

Yeah.

#personal #tldr: the emotional and mental rollercoaster my life has been last few years #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: mentions of suicide #tw: abuse #long post #I don't know if I'll be okay #I'm tired #but i'm just... hoping... it ends someday #that there's a light on the other side somewhere

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