#my therapist will be hearing about it one day

[gingerhaole]

Yellow days

After four years, my therapist said, in her beautiful Serbian accent, "Congratulations, my dear. You've graduated therapy." As much as I love her and will miss her gentle wisdom, I feel proud to say she's done all she can for me.

In the beginning, she told me I would need to learn to allow my "negative" feelings to come in, to hold them, but then most importantly to let them go. It felt ridiculous, impossible, because at the time I was like a tar ball and all emotions stuck to me like dirt. I felt helpless to fight them. Anger, disgust, impatience, jealousy, fear would disrupt all my circuits and fester.

Now, I don't know whether because of my age or genuine maturity (about damn time) or the influence of my wisest loved ones, those "negative" feelings land briefly like butterflies and leave on a breeze. I don't remember making the change; it just happened.

She didn't consider my anger to be a failing or unjustified. My best friend said the same thing. Hearing that from the wisest people I know took the teeth out of the monster I thought I was.

I used to keep track of my moods in a little dot-grid journal. Blue for depressed days, aqua for anxious, red for angry. Green for normal, yellow for happy. For years, so few green days, almost no yellow.

I can't remember the last day I had that wasn't good. They're all yellow days.

[trans-girl-nausicaa]

i feel kind of out of the loop. i dont get why i have seen doing so much tumblr posting recently about how all callout posts are 100% bad 100% of the time. Most of it is vagueblogging so IDK what specific posts people are even talking about, but, like, it feels like as a side effect we have done a 180° turn from the #MeToo movement, in microcosm.

Of course I’ve seen abusers counter-accuse in response to public accusations (DARVO). Sure there have also been plenty of false accusations. But at the end of the day I don’t want to follow or be friends with a rapist. Don’t give me that talk about how “social isolation is harmful.” I refuse to put MYSELF in danger by being in close proximity to a rapist and I refuse to tacitly cosign a rapist’s behavior by continuing to be friends with them. I’m a regular person, not a therapist or a social worker. I do not have any tools with which to change someone’s behavior. One of the only REASONABLE things I can do if someone close to me is outed as a rapist is limit my contact with them as much as possible.

I’ve seen the fallout of people in close proximity to me both online & offline being outed as rapists or abusers. I don’t regret publicizing that information & I don’t regret cutting those people out of my life. If you’ve never been put in that type of situation, cool, I’m happy for you. I legitimately wish that I could say the same.

One incident involved the police showing up at my door with a warrant & searching my residence bc they were searching for a then-friend of mine who was wanted for domestic violence. This was obviously very scary and disorienting for me.

I was put in that situation because I trusted and remained friends with someone who I thought had changed their ways & it turned out that they hadn’t. After that I cut them out of my life completely and I don’t regret it.

If we can’t talk publicly about abusers, then I guess we must participate in whisper network “you didn’t hear this from me” type shenanigans. Or maybe victims should just stay silent forever? That doesn’t seem cool to me.

#whatever

[pansyfemme]

im having anxiety so bad right now that im overwhelmed by noise but quiet is making me so paranoid i cant not have my headphones in

#ive been venting on tumblr since day one of this account but this feels different now #i dont know where to go sometimes i dont want to wake up friends or therapists or parents or even really talk one on one #i just want to speak and people to read it i guess #but ive become really obsessive about being a bad person and its ruining my life lately #there was an incident at home that made me go back into this old thought process i have #and the roomate struggles have made it worse #i feel needy and constantly needing attention and validation and it makes me sick #i want to tell people i love them constantly because i need to but then i convince myself thats also bad that must be manipulation #everytime i dislike someone they must know it and hate me and find me disgusting #im like so tired of obsessions #of not being able to hear words i cant make out without becoming obsessive about how people must be talking about me #and i hate the aftershocks of shame of assuming im even important enough to be talked about #vent tw

[kindnessoverperfection]

In case anyone was wondering, people in the mental health field throw around the word "narcissist" as well

There's someone in my life I've been having issues with. I won't bore anyone with the details, but this person just overall acts like a jerk and doesn't let anyone talk to them about their behavior.

An old therapist & my case manager have both, separately, been like "You know what? They sound like a narcissist." when I told them.

I'm gonna be clear, here. They were both clearly going off of the idea that "[emotionally abusive behavior] = narcissist". That's all it was, the idea that emotionally abusive behavior is a signal of NPD.

Now, I know I can't say "x or y person certainly doesn't have this or that" any more than my case manager can armchair diagnose, but I will say that... as someone who actually does have NPD and knows what the symptoms really are and what they really look like, I've never suspected even for a second that this person has NPD.

tldr, like I said: even mental health professionals frequently go off of "emotionally abusive = narcissist" rather than considering the actual symptoms of NPD.

#actuallynpd #npd stigma #i'm rly lucky that my current therapist understands what it is & has real experience working w/actual ppl who have npd #anyway wanted to bring this up bc my case manager did that the other day #i love her to pieces but god #it's so annoying hearing the word come up more in more in people's vocabulary as it becomes more and more of a popular buzzword #like everyone is suddenly an expert because they read one clickbaity article on psychologytoday #she's never used that word before and when i tried to challenge her on it she started acting like she knew so much better and im like. let' #be clear. you're using this because it's the hot thing to say. you don't actually know anything about what you're saying. #i didn't say that outloud but... sighs

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#oh wow... #i just had an oh shit fuck moment #wow #i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying #if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time #and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted #so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself #because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to #go in myself either way was way worse to me #because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to #''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever #and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in #and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day... #all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed #although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words: #''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in'' #which is ridiculous #but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it? #forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me? #pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread? #panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head? #yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)? #isn't that literally what masking is?! #and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem'' #when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?! #you know what's the best part about all this #that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above] #my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''.... #same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit'' #ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...

[the-casbah-way]

i suppose i owe it to myself to not die but also to stop talking myself out of things that might make me happier because i would be a much better person for everyone around me if i were able to navigate the world in the way i want to because insecurity and bitterness and constant suicidalness do just make you not as kind sometimes i think. i would like to be confident enough in myself to speak and be seen and therefore be as kind as i feel i am on the inside. i hold back so many things because i am scared of being perceived so maybe if i let myself do the things that will help me be ok with being perceived then i will put more good out into the world. i always get hung up on the fact that i so badly want to be good and kind and i care so so much about other people but as it stands currently most people would not really bother too much if i wasn't here anymore because i'm so cut off from everything emotionally and physically. someone send me c.300 quid so i can pay for therapy and you can stop being subjected to posts such as these, by the way.

#who am i kidding the cheapest therapists here are 45 quid for one session and i have a lifetime of unpacked trauma #there is no hope for me #even today i was sat at this desk with two seats right #and these two girls came in and couldn't find two seats next to each other so they had to sit at separate desks #and i wanted to ask if they would like to swap seats with me so they could sit together #but i was already having such a bad and dysphoric day that the idea of someone hearing my voice was making me tear up in public #so i just didn't do anything. and then couldn't concentrate on my work because i felt guilty #i do this with literally every conceivable interaction by the way. i <3 being me #maybe my problem is that i pretend i do not care about anyone or anything but i am in fact the most sensitive person on this earth

[just-rogi]

.

#like I’m sorry #I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me #and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard #and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles #but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way #and has never worried about money as a kid #and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course #but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book #like she did everything she can to understand and relate #but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone #because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am #and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping #I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind #but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child #that are impacting by daily life and interactions #and like I feel so fucking alone #and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING #I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops #I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd #especially not therapists of color #I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months #and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me #like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having #flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking #and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me #because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before #like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very #upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis #and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it?? #I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary

[floral-hex]

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void #shits rough dawg #I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts #haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier #it’s cold #saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early. #and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed. #went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours #guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left #even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are #I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh #my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week #maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done. #I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting #woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside #hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning #can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding) #actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so… #I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience #anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments #I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired. #I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die. #is this relatable? #just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda. #gonna look at pictures of butts now #ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever #you can ignore this #text

[buriesitsteeth]

Hm.

#had a dream about ex-besties again #and when I said ‘I’m sorry hearing briefly about the ab*se I was being subjected to at home and my parent’s su*cide attempts were so #annoying and boring for you. you were my only people I could trust #to open up to in the moment while I was panicking and having to very much #confront the fact that my parent was going to die. #but I’m sorry it was irritating or whatever.’ #I was so right #I know friends do not exist as therapists but #I do not see how you can be all ‘oh my guy that’s awful but this this and this are ab*sive behaviours. you act this was because you are #traumatised here read this yeah yeah we need to get you out of there yeah’ #one day and then the next just #cut me out like I’m some sort of cancer #if at any point they’d said hey I don’t have the emotional bandwidth rn I’m sorry #I’d have been so understanding and shut the fuck up #genuinely! I get it! #but I don’t see how you can have a friend #who is going through so much and none of it is under their control #who still manages to be there for everyone else when they’re having problems at home including you #who just once every few months needs to go ‘oh shit I need someone to talk to if you’re not busy rn/if you can deal w that atm’ in a LITERAL #CRISIS where they have no one else to lean on #and who will need support if they’re going to eventually leave home #and go ‘meh whatever I’m going to end the friendship in the worst and most damaging way I can think of lol’???? #like?? everyone else around me is like oh just move on move on #but I’m just going over and over it in my head #How can you know the wounds and then drive the knife in anyway? #I don’t think people understand like I don’t let anyone close because this is what happens #and so to trust #more than you’ve ever trusted anyone ever #and have them suddenly disappear? without a word?

[overworked-bookworm]

.

#my therapist told me to be friends with ONLY people who actually like me #and referenced my friends from HS I reconnected with and then had it blow up #and we traced it alllllll back to my complex trauma from my father and how I feel like I have to earn care #which was NOT a fun conversation #but had the byproduct of me realizing the emotion I’ve felt about Kit and Hailey and the other two is just PURE resentment #like how dare they treat me like that #how dare they handle me with anything other than care and affection and try to call themselves my friend #resentment is a whole lot easier for me to work with than any other emotion #everything else makes me feel like it’s my fault #but even though resentment is a poison it’s an easier one to swallow than self-blame #personal #anyway sometimes my Scorpio energy really comes through and every day I’m a little less clinically delusional #I’ve been talking to this guy who flirts in a very similar way that Kit did with me and it’s a lot easier for me to navigate when I’m not… #…fucking psychotic and hearing voices. imagine that. #also he’s nicer to me than Kit was sooooo he can go to hell #also I saw a tarot reader and I was asking about general life advice and she went ‘he’s coming back’ and I went ‘what’ #and she lifted up the emperor [which was Kit’s card] and said ‘whoever he was? he’s coming back’ and I SWEAR TO GOD if I hear from him again #Cole had the decency to disappear after he broke up with his girlfriend he ditched me for #Kit is like the mold that keeps getting worse the deeper you go #anyway his mom watches all of my stories which I do think is very funny #should I unfriend the entire family and not think about this anymore? yeah probs #but my therapist said not to unfriend anyone and just sort it out #I have 20 minutes every day to stew and the time is up now friends

[omarfor-orchestra]

Feeling weird about scars again hold on

#not weird it's just- #i got a scar from my bunny's fence #i didn't even realise i got hurt that bad i only noticed it like one day later #it healed in a way that will probably leave a scar #and I'm happy about it because even when she dies I'll have something on me that will remind me of her forever! #and then i hear my therapist voice saying 'oh do you feel that only with pain?' #the real answer is yes the even more real answer is how else am i supposed to feel it??? #a tattoo is a scar too wdym #also feeling kinda bad because I'm not sure how I'll be able to keep doing therapy i literally have 0 time

[ante--meridiem]

I need to not engage in a direct argument about this with someone who definitely does not need to hear it from me right now so I'm just going to yell about it on tumblr:

If you believe people should only have autonomy when they aren't hurting themselves then you don't really believe people should have autonomy. "When they're hurting others" is a justifiable boundary because your autonomy shouldn't allow you to infringe other people's autonomy, but drawing the line at hurting themselves is essentially saying you should get a greater say over their well-being than they should, which is the complete opposite of autonomy.

I acknowledge the nuance that sometimes people would have a deeper general preference to have their autonomy overridden in specific instances and respecting them may mean helping them with that but you still don't just get to assume that's the case because you want it to be true.

#Poorly chosen hills to die on #I know this is a very unpopular opinion and people will probably want to argue with me over it #However I'm putting it here specifically so I can avoid an argument over it #Anyway I get more sympathetic to the 'fuck psychiatry' position every day #And this is speaking as someone who started from a position of defending it because I wanted the help it promised #And think I personally would overall benefit from it #And my personal experiences has been positive! But the way I hear about other people interacting with it #And the way I hear people from it *talk* about other people #Makes me feel a bit sick sometimes #You know what I think I'm going to say don't reblog because I really don't want to start shit with this one #(this also means please don't start shit with me over it even by means other than reblogging) #(anyway by psychiatry I here mean psychiatrists and therapists and anyone who endorses the previous two doing the what I'm talking about) #(also if you think this is about you it isn't it's about a situation I am completely tangential to and hearing about second hand) #(and when I say tangential I do really mean tangential so also please don't worry it's not about me or anyone I directly know) #(just putting that disclaimer there before anyone jumps to any conclusions or incorrectly connects any dots)

[madnessismylover]

Tw: negative

Wish you could like... sue your depressed for all the time and money it costs to take care of it and anything else that results from it.

I never wanted depression so why do I need to pay for the things that make me not want to off myself? (Pills/therapy/etc.)

For the rest of my life I'll need to pay for the things that are gonna keep me alive because of something I cannot control. I can't just tell my brain 'hey, work properly so we don't wanna fucking die'

If I hadn't been depressed in school I would've planned ahead, I would have been better than where I am today.

I never thought I'd get to 18 and I'm gonna be 26 in April. I don't blame past me because they weren't doing well. Unmedicated. I don't wanna go back to that. It was scary. Actively thinking it's easier to die is fucking terrifying.

Living is so fucking expensive.

#tw suicide mention #tw suicide idealization #paid $400 today to take care of cavities that formed because I don't care enough about myself to floss amd brush every day #and this was just the first appointment out of three. #having no insurance fucking sucks why did my dental and vision end before life insurance? #i only have another two months of that and most of the antidepressants i take are gonna be too expensive #i have to get a new therapist because they don't take the only insurance I'm gonna qualify for #ik i never thought I'd make it this far but fucking hell i never thought it would be this bad #so many bills and it all just doesn't seem worth it #can't get a job have to take care of my 101 grandma who is miserable and actively prays for death (which ya know is great for ME to hear/s) #dads got cancer moms the only one working shes gonna be 67 and wanted to retire YEARS ago but can't afford to #no car so even if i could get a job i couldn't get there #everything is about fucking money #and i know people have it worse but that doesn't make my situation any better #I'm just so done.. #tw negative

[soggypotatoes]

whenever i remember that high school as a time period existed (or school at all really) i get this awful visceral tug in my gut, like... this sick feeling... i don’t think about it at all anymore unless i’m reminded of something... thankfully! school was such a mountainous draining terrible thing, this huge weight that engulfed everything in my life and it’s so weird to me that it’s just gone now, so far behind me that i don’t even think about it. so so so so so so weird. but it obviously still inhabits a very deep part of me, and whenever i’m reminded of those years... damn. that shit was so traumatic, i’m 26 and still unable to function bc of what went on there :’)

#ed mumbles #over the past 6 months or so a lot of trauma has been surfacing #guess the school trauma is juuuust beginning to come up as well @_@ #it's ok it's ok it's a process it's a process #shits gotta come up to be processed in the brain i know #need to talk about it with my therapist #good thing im seeing her tomorrow! #except even seeing her 3x a week i STILL have so much to talk about #that i only have time to get through like 1/10ths of the things i need to talk about immediately in one session #i rmb a friend hearing i saw her once a week and saying 'how do you have that much to talk about' or something #girlie i wouldnt run out of things if i saw her 5 days a week for a year lmao

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#the thing about me is that i am unwell. i will sit here like hm im not working hard enough #im spending too much time on these manuscripts and thats selfish. and like wtf r u even saying????? #literally u r working toward public that will bring credit to ur lab wtf is wrong with u? i do the same thing when im spending 3hrs doing #algae transfers bc im like this isnt hard so im not actually being productive. fucking what the fuck???? #im not allowed to enjoy things. no data entry. too fun. no codin. too fun. i must be slightly miserable to in agony at all times #why? i have no fucking idea. its entirely self imposed. ive never been pushed to work harder on things my brain just decides im not doing #enough. why???? im a neurotic little wind up doll compelled by logic that doesnt make sense #at least i canceled with that bad therapist bc idk fuck that now i gotta find someone else :-P #but im trying to be nicer anyway. trying. but i get bored and with boring comes the desire to make myself insane bc idk thsts at least #slightly interesting. there r 2 wolves inside me. one is just trying to live its life and the other is trying to smother thst 1st one lol #me: i will work all day and all night i can work on non-work work as a treat #this is why i have dreams abt ppl being devoured my polar bears in front of me and horrible natural disasters #i think theyd b nightmares if i wasnt always so calm in my dreams. i just wake up like him ive aquired disturbing images #uuuuuhhhhhhhuhuh i dont wanna work on more writing 😫 but I've gotta get this last application done #on a more positive note i now have full hearing back in my right ear lmao #unrelated

[alxclaremont]

i told myself i would never become a slay girl and it is week two of college and alas. i am now a slay girly

#said it unironically so many times today and it makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs #not actually. but. y’know #anyway. update time no one asked for #college is fun #classes are boring #cannot stop thinking about the guy that i have had a crush on for the past year that just so happens to go to my college #but we’re going to ignore that one for my sanity #made a therapy appt (those two are unrelated but my therapist will be hearing abt it) so i have that in a week and a half #get to go home tomorrow and maybe next weekend too #i am dreading next week lol. it’ll be one year since my mom passed and her birthday all in the span of three days so like. #it’s not gonna be a fun time 🥴 #so i’m just hoping i can make it through these next few weeks because even thinking about what was going on this time last year #makes me actually want to burst into tears and just wither away in my bed #but alas. i cannot do that unfortunately even though i would Like to Very much #at least i get to see my cats. im very excited. i miss them so so so so so so so much #like. my best friend who is aldo my roommate has had to listen to me complain about how much i miss them SO much #but i appreciate her listening #anyway. that is all #these tags have actually nothing to do with this post. whoopsy. just wanted to rant ig 🥴 #lacey talks