We talk about the narcissism and arrogance of religious believers, who think that evolution isn’t “true” because they don’t “believe” in it, that their god will alter the universe to suit them because of prayer, or that they experienced their god through some banal anecdote with an obvious explanation. And to contradict them is a disrespectful denial of their deeply held “faith.”
And yet, we’re also surrounded by sufferers of untreated Cluster B disorders who demand we respect "my truth” and “my lived experience”, and that questioning or contradicting this subjective reality is some kind of bigotry, “-ism” or “-phobia.”
Reality, and describing it accurately, isn’t “shaming” you, nor is it “hateful”. It just doesn’t care about your feelings, can’t be gaslit, can’t be changed by trying to redefine it, and has no tolerance for being denied.
Addiction will swallow up everything you are and spit out everything you once were. Addiction isn't roses and morning kisses, it's leaving scars on your body and selling everything that you have- including your soul. The innocence will be ripped away from you little by little. Love? Respect? Forget about that. It's more like, lying, stealing, plotting and promising your life away. Sleepless nights, sleeping to much and not eating for days at a time will become the normal. I'm not even close to the best part. Jails, rehabs, motels, dope houses and the streets will become your new home. So get comfortable while you can. Be prepared to always be looking over your shoulder no matter where you go. Love your loved ones while you still can because they don't always stay around. Don't be surprised when people start dying more often then you think. When something really awful happens to you it will scare you for the rest of your life- remember that you were all alone to experience it. Let me tell you about the best part - when the drugs run out and your left with nothing. You'll find yourself aching for another shot to feel normal again. When you call the devil to take the pain away and he does. That's when you're really fucked.
إنه - كما الآخرين - يظنني تغيرت ، أنني أصبحت قاسية ، متباعدة ، باردة ، صامتة ، مصابة بنوبة هروب لا مبررة ! أختصر رسائل الشات بمرحبا و الى اللقاء ، أتجنب إستخدام عطر مميز أو الاستماع لموسيقى محددة أثناء اللقاءات ، توقفت عن طرح أسئلة " أي شيء من الأشياء مفضلك ، و ماذا تحب بي و أي طعام هو المحبب إليك وما عنوان كتابك الأحب و غيرها .. " ، لم أعد أهدي كل شخص أعرفه إسما غير إسمه الحقيقي ، إسما أناديه به أنا وحسب _دلعا_ توقفت عن وضع " هايلايت" على الأشخاص حولي .. لكنه لا يدرك - هو أيضاً ، مثلهم - أن كل ما أقوم به هو محاولات مؤذية لحماية نفسي المُرهقة
In truth, I've been feeling so overwhelmed with all the massive changes I've needed to face lately I've been sleeping 2-3 hours a day due to inner turmoil with long working hours albeit learning lots. Living alone without the support of family has been absolute madness. I feel like I'm all I have now.
I look fine on the outside so all around me assume I'm fine.
I'm not fine.
I'm barely hanging in there.
It feels like I'm living a lie cause everyone around me assumes I'm living a normal life under normal circumstances and I'm not.
As long there is a slither of hope that things/life will get better and I will get better I'll cling on to it.
There's nothing else I can do but build myself up from here.
but hell is every step of it excruciatingly painful and tiring.
Where can I go from here? where do I go from here?
I do not know.
So I'll just walk one step at a time.
As long as I don't give it all up. At least I'm still trying right?
The law of detachment always sounds good in theory but in reality it’s a catch 22. I’ve spent the majority of my life detached from just about everything and I was considered emotionless. I spent lots of time trying to allow myself to feel things , to be connected in a more meaningful way. So through therapy I find my way to allow myself to have those feelings because the previous version of me was created out of necessity for survival. Now that I am in a space where I allow connections I constantly find myself hurt because I chose to engage in that manner. I feel when energy shifts, I feel the grief of losing what once may have been something amazing while being told that it never was yours so just enjoy the connection while it lasts. There’s no middle ground here.