#my whole body just feels like im carrying a ton of weights

[initiumseries]

the post im referencing: https://www.tumblr.com/initiumseries/625934160818847744/what-did-you-think-of-klaus-in-tvd-and-i-know-you?source=share

I don't disagree with the rest but aren't you downplaying what Klaus did to Stefan? like indentured servitude, making him relapse, making him feed on innocent people - the one thing he hates the most, all in return for a cure that cost him nothing is pretty brutal, no? Also like Damon getting bit didn't really cross Klaus, so what would he punish them for? Stefan lying ab Elena could've had more consequences though instead of him just letting them hang out to protect her

Oooh a throwback post. Fun!

Here's the thing, I don't disagree with what you're saying. In *theory*, that should be brutal, Stefan leaving Elena, becoming an indentured servant, relapsing...all of that should have so much weight, and be hard for us, as viewers, to watch. What I would've liked, is to see Elena and Stefan part, sort of like this:

The urgency, the panic, the pain. Inject it into my veins. And follow that up with Stefan's psychic break or whatever, over the indentured servitude, the feeding.

But instead, what we got was boyfriends.

I donno about you, but this doesn't feel like indentured servitude. It doesn't appear like Stefan is suffering all that much at all. Klaus gives him a ton of freedom. He doesn't really control him with force much at all, Stefan just happily complies, sort of, on the surface (we're meant to believe). Part of it is their chemistry, but the biggest problem is the narrative isn't driving home that this is actually hell for Stefan. We don't see many moments where it's *clear* Stefan is drowning. And we don't see enough actual tension between Klaus and Stefan that shows some sort of fight. Stefan being reluctant to do things, Klaus compelling him, or Stefan agreeing to do something, seeing the self disgust right before he executes, etc. More nuance would've elevated this whole storyline.

It's not until this moment, where they rely on dobsley chemistry, to carry that narrative on their backs.

And it was successful, I remember watching this scene like DAMN. Paul's emotion, Nina's earnestness, it works. But this is basically...all we get.

Like I said in that post, Klaus feels like a petty baby vampire, and the actor doesn't have the gravitas to land a vampire that's over a thousand years old. Because they're just sort of...feeding and causing mischief for a summer, there's no plan, the level of destruction feels very contained. They say, oh they're killing people across state lines, but we don't see the cops, who are also supposed to be vampire killers, tracking this, maybe having a network that's hunting them, we don't see the magnitude of the impact, it's all just contained to a few bodies in a house each time. And Klaus is just...

What I want from this moment is more this:

We can argue about whether or not Godric has gravitas, but he has enough, and the narrative, the camera, supports him enough, that it's VERY clear, that old vampires are at the top of the hierarchal pole because they're powerful.

So when he says things like this:

It's backed up because of how he behaves, and carries himself, and how all the other vampires respond to him.

But all we get from Klaus is family bickering over who Rebekah is sleeping with, what the others are doing, and making Stefan come along on his lost weekend. It's...pedestrian. There's just no weight to any of the things that happen while Stefan is gone until Klaus realizes Elena's not dead, and that's....because he unstaked Rebekah so he could make up staking her by giving her Stefan, and she kisses him and says o m g he is still in love with someone else.

Clown shit.

And Stefan gets away with a lot, for an indentured servant.

In Buffy s3, when Mayor Wilkins recruits Mr. Trick to work for him, and Mr. Trick doesn't take him seriously enough, and in Band Candy things fall apart, Mr. Trick tries to play it off like he did the Mayor a favour now that he doesn't have to pay tribute to a dead vampire. And the mayor becomes very serious and says "In the future, I'd be careful how many favours you do for me." And the implication is clear. We don't even get THAT from Klaus. Completely unserious.

Like, again, so Klaus just wanted a buddy for the summer? He had no grand plan? Nothing? Even if that was the case, I would've liked to see Klaus having some kind of cruel focus in pushing Stefan over the edge, and deriving pleasure from watching how much it killed him to be falling into the abyss of bloodlust again. Like Stefan going from this.

to this

to this

And we as the viewer are watching it like, oh maaan, Elena's frantically looking for him, but we've watched him whittle away, under pressure from Klaus, and so when we get to this point:

We actually don't know how he's going to respond to seeing her there. This idea that Stefan had to "pretend" to be full on ripper to keep Klaus happy while he's actually just trying to keep Klaus distracted...isn't risky enough for me? Klaus is a thousand years old, he'd have to figure from the beginning, this is obviously not what Stefan wants to do, so why pretend? Go all the way. Maybe that's how it started, him trying to fool Klaus, but Klaus is also doing his vampire job and forcing Stefan over that cliff, or he goes back and kills everyone in Mystic Falls, including his brother. It's still petty, but there's some scale of the threat.

There are a million ways this could've been handled, but all I wanted from this storyline was real stakes and like I said in my previous post, TVD was really good at building up big bads, only to defang them later, and this was a perfect example of that. If Klaus was so ready to kill people, and was that typical, violent vampire, then I want to SEE that follow through when he forces Stefan onto his side. I want to SEE the *incredible* fall out of Stefan going there mentally and emotionally. Instead, the execution was a little half baked for me.

[kiingsroar-moved]

Waahhh, Since it’s already 9, I think it’s safe to say I won’t be writing much today. Last nights low really got me, and I’m just so tired I haven’t even turned on my computer at all. Whines.

I’m on discord tho!

#ooc. mobile #my whole body just feels like im carrying a ton of weights #OOF

[bigbaker]

How to Get Fat: A Guide for Skinny People

So, you are really skinny. People make jokes that you disappear if you turn sideways, or that the wind will pick you up and carry you away. Maybe you want to just get up to a healthy bmi, or maybe you long to get to be a giant ball of lard.

You think "I can eat a whole pizza to myself yet I seem to lose weight, how can I get fat?"

Well, luckily for you, I can give you some tips that I learned from my journey to pad up my belly.

STRETCH YOUR STOMACH! I cannot stress enough how important this is. If you were like me, you were skipping meals for days and not eating nearly enough calories to function. Your stomach has literally shrunk to the size of a childs and you feel full sooner. Its going to get uncomfy because you need to cram yourself full and fast! Dont skip your meals make it a task to complete a meal as fast as possible to trick your mind so you dont feel sated too early.

Snack time! Especially after 8pm. This is the best way to put on some pounds, increase appetite, and slow your metabolism. Grab a handful of your favorite treats and go to town! I personally don't care for chips or crackers, but Reeses Peanut butter cups are my one weakness. I would put down a couple packages every other night and wash it down with a protein shake, sometimes blending them in with icecream to make my own yummy shake! And that brings me to the next step.

Drink your calories! I did this wrong in the very beginning and started slamming 900 calorie protein shakes, and since my body wasn't use to consuming that much at once it kinda revolted on me. I quit the shakes and lost some weight, but I realized later that you need to slowely take it in at first to prevent digestive issues. Gains will be slower until you build your appetite, stretch your stomach and slow your metabolism.

These are the basic steps you should take if you are serious about weight gain. It isn't an overnight thing, and it takes dicipline to force yourself to eat if you are not used to eating. Be consistant, and dont get discouraged. Once you start to gain some weight you can start to increase your intake. Once you get on the cycle of overeat, gain weight, get lazy, and overeat again, then it will keep piling on. Once you reach the weight you want to be, then you can regulate to maintain! Or do what I want to do and just keep piling on the pounds 😉

Use this calculator to calculate how many calories you should be eating per day, then add 1000 calories to that. This will assure that you will be eating enough to gain at least 1 lb per week

And above all else: BE LAZY!

Its not your problem, dont do it! Get others to do stuff for you. Dont move, just eat. This is the one I have the most trouble with, since I was so used to being active, and I work a physically demanding job at the moment. But if you want to gain, you gotta sit, lay down, and not move! Fidgeting burns a ton of calories so its essential you do nothing.

Im running out of things at the moment and have to get going, so im going to leave it at that for the moment.

I made this post because someone asked me in PMs, and if anyone has questions or anything be sure to send an ask or pm! I would love to talk about weightgain, my personal experiences, dificulties, or whatever!

Cheers!

[aggresivelyfriendly]

Hi! So, this is just smut, I’ve been in a mood. It’s not even the same POV, but I decided halfway through my fantasy about shaving Harry’s face so I could see the curl of his lips, it would fit in this universe. Or not, but I don’t think you all will mind, 😉!! Enjoy!

Day ?: The One With The Mustache

"Is there a reason you are wearing so many clothes?" He asked from the French doors separating our bathroom from the bedchamber.

It's not a ton of clothes, not really, a thigh high robe and some strategic silk rigging beneath. It is, however, way more coverage than every other greeting Harry has gotten from me since we moved in together if he's been away more than a night.

There is a plan though. I have an agenda to carry out this evening. Things have gotten out of hand. I love my boyfriend, even have an affection for the dirtbag college kid on a worldwide backpacking adventure thing he has going on. Some affection, but I miss the way his lips move when they are unobstructed, when he speaks and when they touch my body.

He's been scruffy off and on since we met. Quarantine has gone on a lot longer than we expected,honestly, and everything is overgrown. My hair is super long and my brows are a bit unkempt, I know, but Im going to need the facial scruff he grew out of laziness and kept out of relish, to go.  I kinda like the dimple peeking beneath the 70's porn stache sometimes. I can at least see the camp value and the era reference he revers, but I really miss his mouth.

The structure of his jaw and strength of his chin, the smooth, perfect skin under my hand. I have a plan to get him to shave it. A good one, I think?

"Would we call this a lot of clothing?" I pretend to be confused and run a finger beneath the lace and silk to pull it out so a shadow of full breast is on display.

Harry groans. The smile playing at the corners of my lips is suppressed, I gape my eyes and tilt my head in faux confusion.

"Not a lot, but way more than you usually favor me with when I've been away." His eyes have zeroed in on my cleavage.

"Ahh, well, maybe I want you to take it off me."

He's already moving. "I can do that!" His fingers are also at the top button of the peasant shirt he is wearing.

I'm laughing, "looks like you've got yourself taken care of!"

"Now you!" His hands are on my shoulders, trying to push the robe off.

"Ah! Ah! Ah!" I chide.

"What, why?" He looks bewildered, and I suppose we always move at a hasty pace, except the first time, so slow down or wait aren't words he hears on my lips often.

"I have a plan for you, a surprise." His eyebrows raise and he's smirking.

"Yeah!" That expression solidifies my plan. I can't see the glory of it for his facial hair friend. I do need one more go with it though, for posterity's sake.

"Yeah! So, you keep doing what you were doing." His hands are already popping the button on his classic fit jeans. "Good boy."  I slither by him, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek, and my breasts to his chest. I'm even more obvious when I bend down to the bath, and light the cinnamon candle he keeps there. I make sure he can see the bottom of my ass cheeks beneath my silk drawers. "Was the drive miserable?"

"The drive?" Ah, attention diverted. I smile over my shoulder and his eyes glance up to my face. "No, no, actually it was lovely. Just missing you."

"You look like you've had a long couple days. Hop in the tub,"

"Are you gently saying I look dirty?" He's joking, but spot on.

I sit at the back of the tub on the stool I've placed there, pulling up my robe so my knickers flash. "I'm going to wash you up." I give him the grin I know he loves. "Then i have another plan of how we can get dirty again."

His pants hit the floor and he's going right along with me. I chuckle when he splashes some water over the claw foot rim. "Ok!" He looks up at me.

"Get wet." I tell him.

"You too."

"Already taken care of." He groans and turns his whole body around to bury his head between my thighs. "Hold on!" I delay. "Let me pamper you."

"Then let me smell you." he looks up at me and it's like seeing his devastating eyes, squared. The water is just below his chin, so he has a handsome, wet haired twin. He looks so enticing, his eyes so magnetic I nearly forget my plan."

"I wanted to wash you up." I lean forward so he has a good view of my chest again.

Harry pushes me back and drifts his hand low. "Let me get dirtier first." He's edging my panties aside and leaning in. I can hear the audible inhale and I'm convinced. "Ill even leave your clothes on, play by the rules!" His nose glances up the gatherings of my clitoral hood and hits my center while he gives me a textured kiss on my opening.

I guess I'm having my mustache ride now. "Yeah." And my head gets soft on my neck. "Let me stand up, you'll hurt your back." He nods and comes to his knees at the edge of the tub. The stool clatters behind me as I step up to his mouth. I push back my robe and he pulls the scrap of silk bunched over one labia all the way to one side.

His grip on my ass cheek alone could still me in the moment, but the thumb he hooks inside me, with unerring accuracy on my spongy spot, anchors me to this act, this moment, his face. The bristles of his mustache prickle at my swelling lips and I sigh. He smiles and swipes his face over the angles where my hips meet my torso. He looks proud, and it does feel nice. I may as well enjoy it while It lasts.

It's past the stage where it scratched the tender pink skin of my pussy, it's softer and textured and smells of me when he kisses me after he's given me head.

Maybe I won't shave it?

Or, I can just let it grow back to enjoy all the stages again.

Like this one, where it tickles and smoothes over me top to tail when he gives me the long broad stroke of his tongue, just the way I like. It does blunt the pressure a bit, so that's another point for team shave. The gentle wet glide up and over me over and over has my hips going.

His thumb is providing pressure from the inside as I ride his tongue where his mouth has latched onto my clit. "Oh fuck, Harry!" My neck has gone completely soft, and when I see his other hand working over his thick cock, I'm not sure how my knees hold up.

I'm afraid to put so much pressure on his jaw, But then the electricity gathering in my veins snaps and the seize rolls up my spine and my muscles relax. The choice is out in my hands and all my weight comes down on him. His busy hand stops to wrap around my waist while he gentles his tongue over my leavings and nuzzles his mustache over my trimmed mound and caresses me softly from the inside out.

"Mmmmm." He nips my thigh and licks me once more. I push his head away and collapse backward nearly tripping over the stool.

"Damn." Is the only word I can find.

"Ready to take off the robe and get in with me?" His slim eyebrow is high and his dimple is dented deeply.

"No," I giggle in my boneless state and lean forward to kiss his messy mouth. The mustache captures more of my flavor and I can smell myself while I taste his tongue covered in my release. "You're really very dirty, still." We both chuckle. I stare in his eyes and take out the clip holding his curls back. They bounce over my forehead. "Let me wash your hair now you've taken such good care of me."

He pecks my lips, it tickles. "Alright baby." He settles into the water and dips below, the tan of his skin and black or his tattoos blurring around the edges. He looks like something out of a surrealist movie; I ache over it. I trace a bird as he surfaces before focusing on his hair. I run my hands through the lush whirls and make sure it's wet before putting a dollop of shampoo into my hand and onto his head. I rub it in and get a good lather before scratching his scalp and massaging behind his ears. He's moaning and his dick is back to full mast from the attention.

"Who knew your scalp was an errogeneous zone?" I whisper into his ear.

"You make my whole body alive." He says and kisses me before in playfully submerge him and work out the lather with my fingers.

The conditioner is slick through his tresses and I let it sit while I massage his shoulders.

"Are you going to do this every time I come home? Might make leaving worth it." He looks  back. "Almost."

"No," I lean in again. "I'm buttering you up."

"Whatever you want, it's yours." He moans over a tight knot in working out. "Consider me buttered."

"I want." I kiss his cheek. The corner of his mouth, slick my tongue quickly at the curl of his top lip I love so. He's turned into me and his breath pants over my mouth. "To shave you." He narrows his eyes before I complete the almost kiss we've been breathing.

"Shave what?" Oh, I forgot I shaved his balls that one time.  He palms his jewels. "I've been keeping that up."

"No, not there." I kiss him, and the mustache interferes with the lip bite I try for. So I chew it a little. I hope ha catches my drift as I confirm it has to go for myself.

"My mustache?" He pulls back to look. "You seemed to like it a moment ago.

"I do, and you could always grow it back. But, I miss your face, and the way your smooth jaw feels on my neck, my thighs. Your lips, I need unfettered access to them." I'm saying all this a hairsbreath from his mouth.

"I like it." He harrumphs.

"I like it too. But not as much as I like you clean shaven." I finally kiss him. "I'll reward you! Shave and a haircut for my bits?" I let my robe Hit the ground then.

"You want me to cut my hair?" He's smirking. He knows how I like his long hair. I confessed it was my favorite.

"No, but my deal wasn't as cute without it."

"Alright love, so long as I can grow it back."

"It's not gonna take you 26 years again. You can grow a mustache now Harry! Triumph completed." We are both laughing as I grab a towel and he's stepped out while I dry him from the bottom up. I move the stool and pull out the kit I readied.  "Have a seat."

"When does your top come off." He gives his cock a lazy pull and it's still chubbed. It's distracting; I'm impatient to get to that later.

"Well, since you're starting to look like you actually bathe," I roll my eyes. "I'll give you a little now."

"How does this work? One nip for half of my mustache? What do I get for the beard?"

I slide a bra strap down to the crook of my elbow and know my nipple presses up and out of it. I straddle a thigh too and grab the towel I soaked in hot, hot water and wrung out. "Close your eyes."

"Then I miss your nipple." He pulls the fabric down farther, and once again his mustache tickles over my body, his tongue on the peak of my breast and the hard suck make up for it.

"Good things come to those who wait."I remind him and buss his wet lips. I'll see more of their see pink color with out his facial hair as wel. "Lean your head back and close your eyes."

I wrap the towel around his tipped back face and he sighs. The bra is gone before the 30 seconds are over. His eyes naturally come open when I take off the towel, but before he can give some cheeky comment to accompany his widened eyes, I turn on the trimmer.

"That sound usually means something different?" I'd blush if he didn't like using my vibe on me so much.

"Does it?" I step closer and my thigh grazes his shaft.

"I guess not."

"Tighten your lip?" He makes a face but complies and shrugs as if to ask if he's got it.

"Perfect!" I kiss his forehead and trim his mustache down to stubble, continuing on to his cheeks. I sigh. "Hi handsome!"

"I've been here." He says.

"I just haven't been able to see your pretty face." I pucker his lips and kiss them and he raspberries a breath out.

"Alright, I get it, you don't like it!"

"Not really, but I like you!" I straddle his lap to spread the shaving cream.

"You didn't even like it between your thighs?" He cups my ass and his fingers linger at my entrance. I suck in a breath.

"This would be sexier if you didn't look like Harry Claus." I giggle.

"It would be sexier with my beard." He pouts. "You really didn't like it." I slowly smooth the razor over his cheek, he moves with me like a dance. We rock and he rolls just the way I need him to, flexing and tightening his jaw to make the skin taut so I don't nick him.

Once his face and chin are clean, I stand back and slide off my panties before stepping in and gesturing for him to tighten his lip. I wick one side free of hair, and wipe the area to kiss it. "I did like when you ate my pussy with it, especially today, before the stubble kinda scratched me sometimes. But the full mustache felt nice, if it didn't tickle." I take off the other side of his mustache as well, wipe his face and sit full across him with his weeping shaft between us. I languidly kiss him, the way he loves, and he may not have known the mustache impeded. "I don't like anything getting between me and this mouth!" My hand slides between us and I grip him tight. "Or this cock." And I slide my bare skin over him hoping he catches the other surprise I have for him.

I'm pressed back on the vanity top with my toes clutching the lip and my hair mussed against the mirror with my beautiful man between my thighs a moment later

"Nothing between us?" His tip is resting impatiently at my opening.

"IUD is in. Play through- ahhhh!" The words aren't over my lips before he's balls deep inside me.

It's rough, my head bounces on the mirror and the slaps of our skin fill the air.

It's perfect. The hour long foreplay means I'm dripping onto his neatly trimmed bush already, only an easy give at his considerable intrusion.

"Fuck, Harry!" I say after aso close already.

"You about to tap out?" He looks amused. "I'm just home."

"What can I say?" I moan over a deep stroke, and my fingers find my clit to help myself along. "I just needed some firm," my other hand sweeps over his jaw, "smooth," I wick my thumb over his upper lip. "Strokes!" And then My blood is fizzing through my veins and my hand loses its rhythm.

Harry fucks me through the denouement, and then I'm flipped onto my belly, my toes leaving the floor occasionally with his powerful thrusts.

Hours later, he's looking at himself in the mirror where he's shaved again. Against the grain, so no stubble troubles my thighs. "You really won't miss it, at all?"

"You can grow it back." I shrug, "At some point, I'm sure I'll miss my mustache rides."

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles imagine #the one where harry styles sneezed on me #day ? #the one with the mustache

[bexterbex]

A Soul to Mend His Own | Ch. 64

Warning, PLEASE CHECK TAGS IF YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO READ THEN DON’T READ. | Tag lists are closed | INBOX OPEN

Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Will tag as I go along, Will update tags, Slow Burn, Influenced by Star Trek and other Sci-Fi themes, References to We Happy Few, Tons of References and quotes to George Orwells 1984 see if you can find them all, The First Order is the new Big Brother,  but who is really surprised, Blatant Nazi Symbolism, Interrogation Themes, Eventual Smut, Eventual Romance, Really just drawn out Slow Burn, Don’t repost without permission, Torture themes, Suggestive Themes, Execution themes, Disturbing Themes, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Controlling Kylo Ren, Physical Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Possessive Kylo Ren, A character shamelessly based on Zelda

A Kylo Ren x Modern! Reader in a soulmate au with canon divergence. —————————————SLOWBURN————————————–

He is already the Supreme leader, searching the universe to find you, his Empress. Your name on his wrist has been the only constant in his life, while you have doubts about his existence and his acceptance of you. He isn’t in the database and why did the name Kylo Ren cover Ben Solo?

MASTERLIST

Chapter 64: Empty

You felt the weight of his presence in your mind leave you, slowly dissipating like smoke in a room. “I shall leave for now, but if the pills don’t work, and she is too weak to guard herself it will leave me no choice but to protect her.” His hand came to your crown, almost as if he was trying to physically caress your mind with his own hand.

Your head felt rather empty without him there. The rational part of your brain, the one that always had its own personality, the fire that kept you going, was now reduced down to not much more than a lamp flame. Your wildfire was almost completely snuffed. Your spark was almost gone.

“How do you feel, m’lady,” asked Dr. Dabrini. Kylo remained silent. He removed his hand from you.

You lifted your head, trying to avoid meeting Kylo’s direct piercing gaze, your sight still blurry from your tears. You tried to focus on the doctor, trying to meet his analyzing but gentle gaze. “I don’t know. Better I guess, but I don’t feel the same as before,” your lips trembled as you spoke, afraid to know the truth of what was happening to your mind. You felt the hollowness of your own mind and the heaviness of your heart.  

The doctor came to kneel next to you; you knew that he would be able to see into your mind as Kylo could. He could ask questions, but that was only so good. He couldn’t feel what you were feeling. “What do you feel, m’lady? Can you describe it?” His voice quieter than before, like he wasn’t wanting to scare you off.

“I feel… empty, like what was there before isn’t now. It isn’t completely gone, but it is mostly gone. My heart is heavy and my head is light, but not in a good way? I don’t know how else to describe it.” Because in truth, you couldn’t—not really. How would you explain that a part of yourself was now gone?

You felt the bed shift as Kylo stood up, his back to the both of you.

The doctor glanced at him before he spoke to you again, “I cannot guarantee that the missing pieces of you will ever return m’lady. I do know that you should spend some time reflecting on what is still there, the memories, emotions, thoughts, and figure out how to move on with them. I know that it might not be ideal and that it may scare you, but there is nothing that I can do to bring them back. What I can do is give you dreamless sleep tonight.” You could hear the sincerity in the doctor’s voice. You could tell that he wasn’t happy, that he couldn’t do more for you. His face was full of grief and sympathy.

You nodded and looked at Kylo, whose back was still turned to you, with clenched fists. You wondered what he was thinking. How he felt about taking so much from you? How did he feel knowing he hurt you again? He broke his promise, but with good intentions. He was trying to protect you after all, wasn’t he?

The doctor glanced between you two before standing, “You know all that I can offer you. Tonight I will have a sleeping pill delivered, and tomorrow we can discuss its effectiveness. But for now, this is all that I can offer, and I shall leave you two alone to discuss our findings.” Dr. Dabrini then stepped out of the room.

Kylo had yet to move a muscle, his hard rigid back creating a wall between you. You didn’t know if it was protecting you or if it was keeping you out.

Your voice was small and broken, “Kylo?”

He turned to you, “He’s right. I must speed up my plans, our plans.” He then glanced down the hall, to where you did not know. “I will do what I must to protect you. They will be eliminated and soon. I do not want to take over you, but I will if it means keeping you by my side. Do you understand?” His voice became hard, his cauldron eyes ablaze with cascading emotions. Currents of dark painful water that you knew you could not swim against.

You did not want to lose yourself, but neither did he. Leia did not want to hurt you, she just wanted him home, Ben home not Kylo. But Rey, Rey would harm you to get Ben to come home, to leave you so he could be with her. Ben not Kylo. Ben the weaker half. “Yes.” You looked up to his face, and attempted to get up to meet him,

He moved to meet you on the bed. He drew you into his arms. “I will be fully yours then. Won’t I?” You searched his face for an answer.

“Yes, if I complete my task, you will be mine alone. Ben Solo will no longer exist. But you will be stuck with a broken monster.” His hand came up to move your hair behind your ear. You were a mess after this whole ordeal but there were more important things to worry about.

“So if you do this there will be no more you or him?” You didn’t know if that scared you or thrilled you. You thought all the gentle moments you two shared may not have been him, but you couldn’t be sure.

He brought your wrist up to his lips, and kissed his name gently, for the first time in weeks. “Yes, if that is what you want.”

Your heart pounded at the gentleness of it all. You were two equally broken people clinging to each other, to mend yourselves whole. Two souls that were chosen from the galaxy to intertwine. Where one couldn’t survive without the other?

“I don’t want to be hurt by this tug-of-war anymore. I want you Kylo, just you. Ben Solo betrayed me, by not protecting me, by leaving me defenseless to attacks, but you have tried to protect me. You only harm me when you fight him, so the fight needs to end.” It was partially true, he was a monster, but he was fighting against himself and his slashes were hitting you in the process. You needed to figure out who the monster was, so you could fix him. Train him to be your hound. Once you were Empress. A monster only you could understand, a monster that you were created to love.

“Then I will have to leave you, to kill him. To kill them. You are MINE,” the monster growled. “I will not let them have you, I will not let him win.” His lips crashed harshly against yours, biting your lip as they did. Teeth scraping and rough, this was him, this was Kylo. “And when I win, you shall be Empress,” he snarled into the kiss. A rough lover, one with intense passion, that ignited heat within you.

His sharp teeth nipped, and he sucked down your neck, marking you as his and his alone. His nose guided his lips back up to your ear, “As much as I would like to play with you Kitten, we have a meeting to get to, one that will help us accomplish our goal,” he gave you one last harsh nips to your lips as you broke apart. His arms sliding under you as he stood, carrying you to your dressing room where Adlez and Olivia-Rose were waiting to fix you.

“You have ten minutes to make her presentable,” he then set you down in front of your vanity. A harsh bruising possessive kiss to your lips before he left you into their care.

You glanced at your reflection in the mirror. You looked like and felt like hell. Your appearance made it seem as if you just got out of an active war zone, out of a fight for your life. Adlez and Olivia-Rose buzzed around you with such a speed you hadn’t witnessed before. Adlez carefully but quickly put your hair back into place and started assisting Olivia-Rose in covering the dark circles under your eyes, and the fresh love bites along your neck. You were then pulled to the armoire where your dress was practically ripped off you and then promptly replaced. Almost as soon as you were placed for inspection in front of the full-length mirror, there was a loud knock on the door. Time was up.

If you hadn’t started to move you were sure that Adlez would have ripped the door out from its pocket in the wall and screamed at Kylo. But you made it to the door before she did. Your body moving on a sort of autopilot. Once the door opened an arm pulled you out into the hall and started walking you out of your chambers. He was moving with a purpose and taking you with him.

You walked down the halls until you reached the familiar conference room from the day before. Kylo sat you down in your seat as he stalked to the head of the table. You could see that it wasn’t just a few members of the High Command present like Hux had said before, it was everyone. Well, some were holocommuting in, but still all members were present in some form.

Everyone seemed to be on edge. Kylo’s mood resonating to each individual person. Hux was the first to speak, “You called for this meeting Supreme Leader? Have things changed?” You could hear the uneasiness in his usually confident voice. His eyes reflected that same fear as he gazed upon the black monster in front of him.

“Yes, the plans have changed. Things have changed. The need to kill the scavenger and General Organa has become more important, more immediate. It needs my full attention. I shall leave sometime tomorrow to complete the task.” His voice through his mask is more menacing than ever.

“But we do not know where they are,” said Pryde. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say as Kylo shadowed towards him. His dark threatening black form seemed impossibly large.

He brought his face to be level with Pryde’s holo one. “Do you doubt my abilities, General Pryde?” You could hear the taunt, like a hyena’s laugh, only more deadly.

You watched the general swallow, to what you could only assume to be a dry mouth. His lips trembled in fear as his hologram eyes met the chrome of Kylo’s mask. “No, Supreme Leader, I do not.”

Kylo’s mask was less than an inch from the projection before he said, “Good.” He then stood back up to his full ominous form as he tracked back to the head of the table, “we wouldn’t want tradition to doubt authority and the ability of the Force.” You could hear the direct jab at Pryde’s pride. “After all, I am my grandfather’s heir apparent. Am I not,” his head whipped around to meet Pryde’s gaze.

“Yes, Supreme Leader, you are. You shall exceed Lord Vader’s legacy,” you could practically smell the fear through the hologram. You could certainly see the sweat forming on his brow, anyway.

Kylo lifted his head in a mock approval before he haunted around your side of the table before stopping next to you, “Once I return, Lady Ren will assume the position of Empress. And you will all be prepared for this. All preparations will need to be prepared. As neither of us will wait.” His hand rested on your shoulder.

“Preparations will begin immediately,” responded Hux.

“Would you like for the ceremony to take place back on Earth? Or shall it be somewhere else,” asked General Parnadee.

“Where would you like the ceremony to be held,” asked Kylo. He was speaking to you and you alone. The rest of the room waiting on your answer.

“How about somewhere new, somewhere important to you maybe? There is no use going back to my planet, is there?”

“As you wish,” responded Kylo.

“There is your grandfather’s castle on Mustafar m’lord,” said Hux.

“Yes, send preparations there. We are finished here.” With that, he guided you back up, escorting you back down the halls to your chambers. To be alone with him once again. To see the monster behind the mask, to learn about him. To love him, to mend him.

#kylo ren #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren imagine #kylo x reader #kylo x you #star wars #first order #star wars imagine #Star wars soulmate au #sw first order imagine #star wars first order #a soul to mend his own

[littlebitoffanfic]

The Bear Or The Deer

Fandom: Frankenstein Character: Adam/Frankenstein’s monster Relationship: Adam/reader Request: you do a lot of horror and I was just wondering on the off chance: would you do Frankenstein’s monster x reader? AN: Frankenstein is my favourite book! Since, in the book the creature calls himself Adam, I decided to stick with that as his name. also, this’ll probably be a multi-chapter thing as I cant wait to explore more plot with him

 Sitting in your home on a stormy night, in the pitch black, waiting by a window was never something you thought you would ever have to do. But after the last few months, you needed to know. You had to. Something was happening and you didn’t know or understand it. People had reported a monster in the woods that surrounded your home, yet you had had little cause to be frightened. In fact, the only thing that truly scared you about it was not knowing what it was. You had never felt exposed or unsafe in your home. It was about a mile out from the nearest town, and just off a trail that only had one or two horse and carts pass by ever week. You were mostly self sufficient, growing your own vegetables and fruit in your large garden and a few animals such as cow and a few chickens along with your trusted horse. You traded in town with your craft work, using your love for paints, crafting and even mending things. Often, the butcher, who has a young family, will ask you for new clothes and such in exchange for meat. You would sell your art to passing traders and do the occasional jobs for everyone else in the town in exchange for whatever you needed. But it was still hard work. Your home and its surroundings needed a lot of tending to. Only, you had noticed something strange over the last little while. Your log pile, which you kept outside next to the small bard, was kept topped up. Then apples started being left on your back porch every morning, along with oranges and any other fuits. As time grew on, you grew uneasy. You tried leaving out food and some blankets and such, in hope that whoever it is was just looking to trade. But they never took anything. And then the rumours started in town. A beast, like a bear, stalking the forest. A few had seen it moving about, but none dared approach it. It had to be human-like, judging but its knowledge of cutting wood and such, but where did it live? Was it close to you? Tonight, you planned on seeing it for yourself. You had left out a large basket of food for it. Cheeses, hams, a bottle of milk and some eggs, in hopes that it would take it. You sat to the side of one of your kitchen windows, which was close to the back door where the thing sometimes left fruit. You hoped it would see the basket when placing the logs on the pile and come to investigate. You had nearly drifted off when a crash of thunder woke you, making you jump as you sat straight up. Looking out the window, you noticed how the moon was nearly fully covered by clouds, the only light now came from the soft glow of your living room, where you always kept the fire going to heat the house and the small light of the full moon that peaked through the clouds. Another few lightening strikes and crashes of thunder kept you alert. Until you saw the creature. It emerged from the forest like a it might have been a tree itself, judging but the stature. In the rain, it was bend over, walking on two legs with a long cloak drawn over its body. It was human, and judging by the stature, probably male. It, he, carried logs against his chest, only pulling back his cloak to place them onto the pile carefully. He was soaked to the bone, you could see that, and yet he was more concerned with make sure the balance of the pile was right. His face was hidden by the hood, but you saw he had noticed the basket, which was still dry thanks to the porches roof and the wind that blew the rain in the opposite direction. He walked to the porch, placing his foot on the bottom of the three steps, his whole body seeming to tilt to the side in curiosity. He looked up towards the top floor of the house, where he probably thought you were fast asleep. You saw him place his hand up to his chest and he gave a small bow to your house, before retreating without the basket. You were stunned, shocked and so confused. What was he? Why did he do these things for you? Why would he be out in such weather? Where was his family? It was curiosity that lead you to spring up from your seat and run to the back door as a crash of thunder masked you opening the door. “Wait!” You called out, scooping the basket up by the handle. The figure froze, his entire body seeming to turn to rock at the sound of your voice. You took a few more steps out, not daring to descend the steps into the rain just yet. You wanted to keep the food dry. “Please, will you take this?” You asked, hoping your question would draw some kind of response out of him. Which it did. He turned, but in a strange kind of way. His lower half turned a quarter of the way towards you while the top half twisted fully, keeping his head low and covered by the hood. It was very unnerving to watch, and reminded you that something just wasn’t quite right about him. “For helping me. I want you to have it.” You manage to speak, keeping the fear from affecting your voice.   A crash of lightening followed by a roll of thunder as if showing some kind of inner battle the man was obviously having with himself. You were just a woman, alone in your home. He had no reason to fear you. You had no weapons, nor was there anyone close by who would be able to help you. If anything, you should be scared of him. But something was different about him. “Please.” You repeated, keeping your voice soft. This seemed to be enough to persuade him back to you, approaching you in such a manner that reminded you of a stray dog approaching a human who had offered it food. It wanted the food, yes, but it was scared of the hand that gave it. As he reached the bottom of the small set of stairs, you couldn’t help but feel dwarfed by him. Even with you at the top stair, he was taller. The light from the house didn’t give you enough light to see his face. Holding out the basket, you smiled. He hesitated, but raised his right hand to take the basket. As he did so, the sleeve fell back, revealing a wrist with a deep scar running around the wrist and down beneath his sleeve. The flesh itself was a little… off in colour. But the scar looked painful. You couldn’t help the gasp that fell from your lips as you looked up at him. At the wrong time. A bolt of lightening lit up the sky and, for the first time, you saw his face. A gaunt face looked back at you. Thin lips with barely any colour behind them were opened slightly in surprise. His cheeks bones were prominent, and his skin the same as his hand, looking slightly off and discoloured. His nose was missing, and chunk and several scars ran across this face, almost like a doll that had been ripped apart and sow back together again. But his eyes. They were a yellowish colour, with the left one having another scar running from the bottom of his eye right down his cheek to his jaw. They were wide, surprised, like a deep that had been scared by the sudden attack of a bear. How quickly your metaphor for him had changed, from a bear to a deer. He seemed terrified of you. Yet he could easily turn on you and you were very aware of that fact.   But as quickly as the lightening had struck, it was gone, replaced with a thundering bang. The man ducked his head, retreating into himself as he turned on his heels and fled. Caring little for the rain or your own safety, you ran after him, calling out for him to wait. It would seem that his great height left him at a disadvantage to you, as you were able to catch up wit him before he reached the edge of the woods. “Wait, please!” You cry out, reaching out and grabbing his cloak and digging your heels into the ground. The man let out a grunt, twisting towards you as if expecting you to attack him, causing his hood to fall back and reveal black hair. He winced and it hit you. He didn’t want you to see him not because he didn’t want you to know who he was, but because of the way he looked. “Im sorry. The thunder and lightening just frightened me, that’s all.” You lied through your teeth. You were already soaked to the bone from the rain, which pelted down with little chance of stopping soon. The wind whipped your hair out of place, almost blowing you off of balance. Yet he stood strong a tree. As if to prove that you weren’t scared of him, you reached out and took his right hand, raising it with is palm upwards. He jumped at the touch, his skin freezing and his hand now tense. Raising it, you hooked the basket in his hand. Once he had the weight, you used both your hands to close his fingers over the handle. “As a thank you for everything you’ve done.” You smile up at him, his eyes so bright without the hood. He was handsome, at least to you. So unique and unknown. You would be lying if you said he didn’t intrigued ou unlike any man you had ever met. “do you have a name?” You asked, suddenly doubting if he even understood you. Perhaps he was mute, or didn’t understand your language. He nodded, his tongue darting out as if to wet his bottom lip despite the fact his face was soaked. “Adam.” A deep voice replied. “Im [y/n].” You told him, as if the two of you were meeting for the first time at some ball or in a local shop. He repeated it back to you, like it was the most beautiful word he had ever heard and just had to make sure he could say it right. A gust of wind ripped through the garden and hit you like a ton of bricks. You fell forward, loosing your footing as you let out a yelp. But a strong arm caught you and, before you could even realise what had happened, you were swept up like a bride. He had dropped the basket to catch you and now proceeded to carry you back through your garden. You felt your heart hammering in your chest as you stared up at him while his gaze remained solely on the path. You could see how tense his jaw was, like he was grinding his teeth together. As he climbed the bottom two steps and was about to put you back on your porch, you leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek. He froze. His mouth slightly open and his eyes wide, as if he were unable to believe it. You took the opportunity to swing out of his grasp, now standing on your own feet. “You’d better get home and dry off. The storm looks like it will only worsen tonight. You’ll catch your death.” You look up at the sky. You were pulled from your thought by a soft chuckle, one which made your cheeks burn and your heart stop. It was low, almost too low to hear. You looked to him and saw amusement in his eyes. He doesn’t hold your eyes for more than a second before dropping them, bowing to you. “Thank you for your concern, but I shall be fine.” He speaks with such an elegance that doesn’t quite fit his features. “well, Adam, perhaps you should come back tomorrow, just to let me know you are safe?” You ask, biting your lower lip. his head snaps up, his eyes wide with disbelieve and… hope. a single nod confirms his return as he retreats away from you for the final time that night. He pulls his hood back up and turns away, walking back to the basket, which had landed on the path, but nothing had spilled out. You hoped the blanket that covered it would be enough to protect the content from the rain. he scooped it out, glancing back at you. You smiled and waved, backing into your doorway and closing it. It was all suddenly so quiet without the wind and rain in your ear. You locked the door, unable to stop from smiling as you went to the window, seeing him take one last look at where you had been before disappearing into the woods. You couldn’t help but bursting feeling in your chest that wanted to dance until he returned, nor how his face was burned into your mind in a good way. There was still so many question in your mind. Who was he? Where did he come from? Why did he have those scars? And you couldn���t quite work out if he was the bear or the deer.

#frankenstein #frankenstiensmonster #frankensteins creation #frankensteins creature #adam frankenstein #adam Frankenstein x reader #Frankenstein monster x reader

[lucatorahaven]

vampire au post

4 skype convos haphazardly mixed in from very different times

[29/11/2014 4:27:51 AM] Probably Not Assorted Cheeses: Vampire au

Lucas the incompetent vampire who eats mostly animals

Duster was the one who bit him, only bc duster was literally starving n lucas came at a bad time

idk if duster should be born a vampire or not but Wes is one too and together they taught lucas how to survive.

however eventually they had to leave, they offered for lucas to join them but lucas can’t leave his family behind, the kid’s too sentimental :’(

so together they staged his death (which im too lazy to try n think of)

claus knew bout the vampire thing tho, lucas couldn’t live alone like that. He also ended up biting Boney in an accident so hey vampire dog.

claus grew up and eventually had his own family. Lucas could only really watch from afar but then the kids got his age and it was hard to see him and keep the gig up. He visited his parents funeral anonymously and afterwards him and claus stood there just

“sup” “how’re the kids” “twice your age and with kids of their own” “heh, i always thought you would be the one with kids yano?” 

it was very bittersweet, it felt like they’ve never been apart 

“it never stops feeling strange without you” "I know” 

lucas thinks of that conversation a lot

he started off the "younger uncle" then the "weird neighbourhood kid that visits grandpa claus" and inevitably the "weird kid from nowhere who goes to the cemetary every other month to put flowers on graves older than appears to be"

SO without attachments lucas traveled with boney, hoping that they find duster along the way.

eventually lucas comes back to tazmilly but it’s been a couple hundred years now and it’s completely different so he doesn’t recognize it

n lucas one day is caught outside with no shelter, it’s almost morning so he runs into osohe (which is way outta town so he assumed it was abandoned)

vampires can’t enter homes without being invited in because apparently homes are holy land but osohe is fuckn haunted so that doesn’t apply (adding on to the abandoned theory)

that’s how kumatora and him meet, she finds him exploring osohe all “wtf the fuck who are YOU...this me house”

So she gets an awkward lie explanation from lucas 

n she eventually catches on lucas is a vampire n is just DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE I NEVER MET A VAMPIRE BEFORE FUCKN SWEET

lucas is just UM.;;; IS IT OK IF I STAY

"oh dude it's cool!! but u gotta tell me bout yourself bc i never met a vampire before ok?? i live iN THE PERFECT GOTHIC HOME BUT THERE’S NONE!! but here you are and i’m JACKED i gotta go to work tho so brb but afterwards u gotta tell me about yourself ok CYA"

lucas is still processing everything by the time she leaves, but he’s grateful and figures a conversation is the least he can do to repay her

in this au kumatora’s into cryptology bc her house is FULL of books and it’s a common subject (also the fact her castle is filled with ghosts and there are zombies just across the moat, it’s a p convenient hobby)

when she comes back she’s super excited because he’s still there 

lucas is kinda reserved but he still answers questions bc it’s POLITE

she asks bout p much everything?? “HEY do you need that” “y-yes” “is this true?” “not that i know of” “ok experiment time” “uH;;” “wait am i keeping you up?? it’s still daytime” “no it’s okay” 

after exhausting lucas of all his Vampire Facts kuma invites lucas to live at osohe castle, it’s big enough anyways

lucas is wary af bc he doesn't wanna accidentally get close to someone who 1. has a life span and 2. is technically food

but lucas ends up sticking around anyways, boney really likes it and he lowkey enjoys her company

so they keep chillin n lucas tells her how he hunts animals n how he only takes a bit of blood so they don't die and 

IDK I GO BY THE THEORY THAT VAMPIRES HAVE VENOM bc otherwise their entire food source becomes COMPETITION n they can bite but not?? TURN THEM INTO ANYTHIng so controlled blood flow for feeding purposes

also vampires only need to eat once or twice a month? they die around 6+ months without eating from starvation. It all depends on how quickly the blood cells in their body die basically.

ALSO when they bite you it doesn’t hurt bc their saliva numbs it so (sneaky bites) but it still feels weird as shit

bUT YA SO LUCAS N KUMATORA CHAt a whole bunch...you know that “accidentally get close” thing i mentioned? it happened

(it was kinda hard to avoid when the first companion you have that’s not your dog is informed on vampires and vampire goods, that was convenient)

so they keep hangin out and kumatora unlocks his Tragic Backstory

n sometimes kumatora helps him feed? like they go out together finding animals n storing blood

n lucas is fascinated with how technology has advanced bc he doesn't really?? go into towns anymore but he fuckn LOVES it

n they play video games n general COOL FUNTIMES

kumatora let’s lucas borrow her labtop to occupy himself and he looks for other vampires or hints of them

(this is under the assumption that osohe can get electricity in a modern au while still being ignored / abandoned)

n when kumatora goes to work he cleans up the castle n tries to show how much hE REALLY APPRECIATES HEr

n lIKE i also go by the logic that vampires do not do the stereotypical “turn into ashes at sunlight” it is a slow progression that takes up to 12 hours until absolutely turned to a crisp 

so basically if he covers himself and wears a shit ton of sunscreen he can chill in the middle of the day for like...a hour or two

and bc kumatora's WORTH IT he visits her at work n she's all LucAS WHAT ARe yO U DoING??   

lookin like a modern goth kid......has a huge red burn on his cheek..

he blames it on how pale/blonde he is “my brother is ginger you know”

kuma gets super worried n he's all bruh it cool i have like..2 more hours until i need to go to a hospital   

n kumas jsuT I GET OFF IN 4 HOURS GO HOME

kumatora invites him to movie nights with her friends n shit

people start calling lucas kumatora's goth boyfriend “never call him that when he's around or i'll murder you”

theyre all rather cool with lucas and find his speech kinda funny?

"wow look at those teeny boppers" "GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY GOD I LOVE IT" “???????????????" kumas friends ask for lucas more all WHAT SCHOOL DOES HE GO TO WHERE DOES HE LIVE "oh he's......foreign B)"

eventually it comes up how lucas doesn’t really want to be a vampire anymore and kumatoras just “dude i can help you find a cure” bc maybe her hobby is a bit Excessive but live your dreams

but ya lucas is just?? constantly wants to visit kumatora n loves her night shifts!! visits all the time they go on hikes a lot n jusT? GETS SO FUCKIGN ATTACHED IT SCARES HIM CONSTANTLY

they sometimes fall asleep on the couch together n when he's all "wow shes so cute.." he realizes how fucking Deep he’s in this and he’s FUCKED

he tries to distance himself but he Can’t Fucking Do It (just like w/ his fam)

whenever he tries to push her away she looks so upset it kills him 

N HE'S IN SUCH A STRUGGLE BC HE'S JUST

SO HAPPY TO BE AROUND HER??????

N LIKE WHEN THEY CUDDLE N STUFF HE'S JUST SO OVERWHELMED BC oh my god heartbeats!! oh my god she's gonna die before me

n lucas really fucking feels the severity of how FUCKED he is when its her birthday n hes just

yes she's gonna age and he's gonna outlive her n they could never realistically be happy even if by some offhand chance she even RETURNS the feelings

N HE HAS TO HIDE HIS CRYING N STUFF BUT KUMATORA HAS  A 6TH FUCKN SENSE FOR DISTRESSED LUCAS SO SHE'S ALL bruh :( whats up

so he opens up to her about his feelings and anxiety and she hugs him through it, it’s kind of a shitty way to confess 

“idk if i can forgive you for deciding that i’m gonna die before you” “are you threatening murder” “that and no way death’s gonna get me, i’m pretty stubborn”

a lil while passes

“you know... i’m okay with becoming a vampire” lucas refuses bc dude.. you can’t even comprehend the weight of immortality.. what if she regrets it 

“to hell if i make my closest friend suffer because of a life span” “hah i guess that’s the same for me”

they drop the vampire topic for the time being and move on to other ones such as... mutual feelings :^)

they’re both romantically inclined i mean... lucas spent 300+ years being a hermit and kumatora had other things to do

so they take it slow, it’s p much the same as before except.. hey...now when i think “man i wanna hold their hand” i CAN

it'd also be really sad and/or cute if the ghosts in the castle some of them were lucas's family which might be why boney likes it so much but also imagine them kissin on the couch "kuma ghosts r there" "EH THEYRE JUst ghosts" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) claus looks into the camera "after so long... finally my little brother gets some action :')"

but idk if that’s a thing bc it feels kinda weird i feel like kissin n shit wouldn't b very often bc as much as they both loVE IT 

IT'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR A VAMPIRE

YANO.... HEARTS R BEATING... NECK IS RIGHT THERE (lucas still adores it tho)

so back to the topic of Mortality

kuma gets attacked in an alley on the way home from work

n lucas finds her bc they were gonna meet up but he smelt the blood and when he does find her he just goes FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK n didn't know how to save her 

also thinking rationally is hard when OH LOOK AT ALL THAT BLOOD AHhaHA

SO HE BITES HER

he carries her body home n he spends the whole waiting process between DEAD and VAMPIRE crying just "hoyl shti please work please work" “what did i fucking dooooo” “what if i was earlier” “what if i was too late” so many anxieties

kuma wakes up and lucas transistions from panic to HAPPY PANIC OH THANK GOD

she’s really out of it bc of the process and he’s crying apologies “it’s okay you saved me” but he’s still crying, they cuddle for comfort

"hey atleast we did it NOW when i'm a hot sexy 19 yr old and not a wrinkly old lady” “kuma” “i’m tryna make light of the conversation”

so now that kumatora’s a vampire she only works night shifts until she eventually quits. They moved to a new town / whatever so it was easy to avoid having to meet someone in the daytime. facebook helped keep in touch with her friends while still letting the friendship die out.

it took kumatora a bit to get used to being a vampire. she threw up a lot at first and she didn’t like having to drink blood but she did eventually get used to it

idk if they find a cure bc idk what the cure would BE but they eventually find other vampires :^) they continued lucas’s search for duster and probably found him tbh

[yjsangjun-blog]

                       𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖉𝖚𝖈𝖎𝖓𝖌 — 𝖇𝖆𝖊𝖐 ‘𝖘𝖆𝖒’ 𝖘𝖆𝖓𝖌𝖏𝖚𝖓.

hi hello. i’m cait, i’m 25, i go by she/her pronouns and i live in cst! i am a hot mess who loves causing her characters pain & angst…. i also love ruining their lives on a daily basis.

this is my babe sangjun who’s a lil bit messy ( much like most of my characters ) and you can find basic stats / bullet point bio / basic personality info / basic plot ideas & stuff like that for him under the cut! if you want more in depth info message me bc honestly this intro post is … oof !!! it’s also kinda long so lemme apologize for that as well !!!

but i am super excited to be here and i can’t wait to plot with ya’ll & love your babies !!!! if you’d like to plot, please feel free to IM me on here, ask for my discord or like this post & i’ll come to you !!!

tw: mentions of alcohol / alcoholism, drugs / drug abuse, bullying & violence.

                                         BASIC INFO ( PT 1. )

FACECLAIM: min yoongi + suga + rapper. CHARACTER NAME: baek 'sam' sangjun. PRONOUNS: he/him. GENDER: cismale. AGE/BIRTHDAY: twenty-six. + june eleventh. ZODIAC SIGN: gemini. ROOM: haean + 2e.

                                           OTHER INFO

POSITIVE TRAITS: determined, hard-working, charismatic & adventurous. NEGATIVE TRAITS: hedonistic, short-tempered, impulsive & blunt. OCCUPATION: bouncer at club arena / underground fighter. ( future ceo ) SONG THAT DESCRIBES THEM: i'm not sorry - dean. HOW LONG HAVE THEY LIVED AT THE YUJAEN?: six years. FOUR MUSE AESTHETICS: leather jackets, bruised knuckles, blurry evenings, late night snack runs.

                                      BASIC INFO ( PT 2. )

full name: baek sangjun. nickname(s): sam, san, jun. hometown: seoul, south korea current location: yongsa, south korea. ethnicity: korean. nationality: korean. gender: cismale. pronouns: he/him/his. orientation: pansexual. occupation: bouncer / underground fighter. language(s) spoken: korean, english, japanese, spanish, french, chinese.

                                PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

face claim: min yoongi. ( suga ) of bts. hair color: frequently changes, currently platinum blonde. eye color: brown with a small hazel ring. height: 5'10". weight: 169. build: athletic. tattoos: he’s got a few stick-n-poke tattoos scattered across his body, though most aren’t visible when he’s wearing clothing. piercings: these, double helix in left ear & tongue.

                                             HEALTH.

physical ailments: alcoholism, allergies, drug abuse, lactose intolerance. neurological conditions: back pain / muscle spasms, carpal tunnel. allergies: shellfish, pollen, mold. sleeping habits: all over the place, usually tosses & turns for a while before falling asleep. rarely gets more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night. eating habits: horrible, relies on fast-food & take-out most of the time. loves 'comfort foods’. exercise habits: goes to the gym at least three times a week, less if he’s been in back-to-back fights. body temperature: hotnatured. addictions: alcohol, tobacco, cannabis, gambling, sex. drug use: frequent. alcohol use: frequent.

                                       PERSONALITY. ( PT 1. )

label: the cataclysmic. positive traits: determined, hard-working, charismatic & adventurous. negative traits: hedonistic, short-tempered, impulsive & blunt. fears: heights, flying, confined spaces, drowning, commitment. hobbies: arcade games, astronomy, billiards, board games, boxing, card games, comic books, cooking, motorcycles, poker, reading, video games, weight training, yoga. habits / quirks: believes in demonic possession, believes in ghosts & spirits, believes in karma, carries a 'lucky’ item with him everywhere, fights for animal rights, fights for gender equality, fights for human rights, fights for the legalization of cannabis, fights for marriage equality, meditates, always has change in his pockets, owns an outrageous amount of shoes, counts stairs, experiences episodes of depression, boxes, collects packs of playing cards, doodles on everything, gardens, loves board games, paints, plays with fire, plays poker, plays video games, randomly wanders around when bored, sings well.

                                               FAVORITES.

season: fall. color(s): army green, black, red, gray. music: all genres, doesn’t care for country. movies: action, comedy, horror, suspense. sport(s): hockey, basketball, baseball. beverage(s): whiskey, soda. food: comfort foods. animal: dogs.

                                                    FAMILY.

father: baek jaejin, sixty, ceo. mother: baek chansook, fifty-four, ceo. sibling(s): younger sibling, nineteen. children: n/a. pet(s): a siamese cat named ramen ( back at home with his parents ), a bengal cat named shiva ( back at home with his parents ) & a seven month old austrailan sheppard puppy named indy ( lives with his sibling. ) family’s financial status: upper class.

                                                   EXTRAS.

mbti: entp-a. ( the debater ) enneagram: type 8. ( the challenger ) temperament: choleric. hogwarts house: slytherin. moral alignment: chaotic neutral. primary vice: wrath. primary virtue: diligence. element: fire.

                                                BIOGRAPHY.

born in seoul, south korea.

parents were very well known ceos, both running very successful corporations.

and of course, they wanted sangjun to follow in their footsteps.

parents were pretty strict and didn’t really allow him to do well.. anything.

however, they did buy him whatever he wanted and spoiled him in that way.

and due to both of those things combined, he started to rebel at a really young age. ( i’m talking like 10 )

so he’d sneak out, graffiti people’s houses and break things and the likes.

never got caught for it, though, knowing that if he did his parents would have kicked him out and probably disowned him for his behavior.

but one of the reasons he never got caught being a rebel was the fact he was bringing straight a’s in school, was always the very top of his class and from his parent’s perspective? he was a model child.

however, he hated that, hated having to live under his parent’s shadows and be this cookie-cutter version of himself they wanted him so desperately to be.

but he played it off, juggling the 'angel’ side of him with the rebellious tendencies that continued to grow worse and worse with each passing year.

god, high school was so different, though. he’d rebel more and more every single day, pushing the limits of getting caught.

however, word got out pretty quickly about just how wealthy his family was and kids started to bully sangjun for it, causing his anger to get the better of him until he lashed out so bad it landed one of those bullies in the hospital for copious amounts of injuries.

of course, his parents were pissed. grounded him for a solid month and in that time, he learned each and every way he could sneak out of his house at night, wandering the streets of seoul at all hours.

one of those nights he happened to run into a group of people who also went to his school, but instead of them bullying him for whatever reason, they commended him on standing up for himself like he had & told him there was a way to let out the pent up aggression that ended up sending a kid to the hospital.

his curiosity was lit up that night, eager to figure out what the hell they were talking about and a few days later, he was introduced to a scene that’d become far more intoxicating that anything he’d ever experienced before.

underground fighting. no rules, no shadows he had to live under, tons of money for each win under his belt? it was the life he never knew he wanted, but the second he got a taste of it, he wanted more.

so those late night strolls turned into him sneaking out of the house only to meet up with his new group of friends, all of which were clad in full black outfits .. traveling to some random person’s basement ( or abandoned buildings of numerous kinds ) only for sangjun to be able to release every single bit of pent up aggression he carried out on some stranger who’d never remember his name.

his parents? they were just as clueless as before, though, sam continuing to excel in school as well as his fights so much so that he found the perfect balance.. learned how to hide the scrapes and bruises from his mother & father all while continuing to be the top of his class.

not to mention he was juggling all of that and his acting career all at once, trying to hide certain things from his parents and the rest of the world because he knew it’d ruin his reputation.

however, due to the amount of stress that sat upon sam’s shoulders on a daily basis, he let himself slip up on his 21st birthday, parents stumbling into his apartment only to catch him drunk & high with a bunch of strangers surrounding him.

it was a moment he’d been scared of his whole life, worried his parents would just disown him right then and there...

but in all honesty? it was the most freeing night of sam’s life.

he didn’t have to pretend to be someone he wasn’t anymore, didn’t have to pretend to be a pure and innocent little thing who never did anything wrong. didn’t have to live up to the high expectations he’d set for himself so many years ago and god, he was hooked.

his parents not disowning him and continuing to pay for everything he wanted only fueling him to continue the downward spiral, living his life to the fullest, doing whatever the hell he wanted to... whenever the hell he wanted to.

                                      PERSONALITY. ( PT 2. )

hides behind a wall of sarcasm, cockiness, anger and lust.

doesn’t really care to get to know people and had a tendency to push people away before they get too close to him. ( though it’s all a ruse. )

wears glasses to read and mess w computers, but hates them a lot and probably won’t wear them if people are around.

has two different wardrobes, one for when he’s around his parents. that consists of suits & dressy attire. and then one for when he isn’t that consists of ripped jeans, t-shirts, sweats & everything in between.

is …. stubborn as hell and refuses to ask for help with anything.

his motorcycle is literally his baby ??? like he ?? has a problem ??

fluent in a lot of languages, picked them up so that he didn’t need translators at his parents meetings and the likes.

lowkey worried that people will figure out that he’s actually v scared & stressed on the inside because that’ll cause him to start having to deal with his feelings, and he doesn’t wanna do that.

is the biggest flirt you will ever meet?? like if he’s speaking to you… its usually flirty as hell unless it has to do w business ( both his parents & his fights ) or he’s just known you for centuries ?

will try to get everyone to go to bars n parties with him because that’s his life in a nutshell ??

drinks..heavily..  like every night?? it’s a problem tbh.

nerd on the inside though like owns so many comic books, loves to play video games, read books, plays piano.. loves to sketch, paint & the likes.

he cares… god he cares so much about people and the world but he pretends to hate everything because it’s easier than letting people in.

full of horrible and cheesy pick up lines and jokes and frequently texts people said pick up lines and jokes.

owns a book that is full of nothing but blank pages and keeps it on his coffee table because he ‘relates’ to it.

is a highkey hoe but he tries to keep it on the dl ( he fails… miserably. )

super into fitness as it’s a way to keep him away from drinking every evening. ( that doesn’t work for him tho, oof.. )

also has bruised knuckles 24/7 & some other injuries he gets from his fights, plays it off like he’s just clumsy.

anger issues af. needs to get them in check.

actually super kind and caring once you’re able to see get past his wall?? which is really hard tbh but if you’re able to? he’s so loyal and caring it’s unreal.

has a bad habit of smoking whenever he’s stressed out, which is usually all of the time so he smokes…. more than he should ( though he won’t admit to being stressed out,,,,, ever in his life. )

highkey into cuddling and all the cute shit like that but would literally never tell a soul because then they’d see that he isn’t the ‘hardass’ he pretends to be on a daily basis.

is a burnt cupcake who has 'decent’ intentions but has extremely horrible execution skills.

                                                 PLOT IDEAS.

bad influence. ( on your muse. )

best friends.

childhood friend.

competition.

confidant.

cousin.

current hook up(s).

drinking buddies.

drunken hook up.

enemies that used to be friends.

enemies.

exes who ended on bad terms.

flirtationship.

frenemies.

friendly competition.

friends that used to be enemies.

friends with benefits.

good influence. ( on sangjun. )

hate sex.

one night stand(s). ( past & present. )

partner in crime.

party buddies.

past hook up(s).

ride or die.

social media friends.

trouble makers.

unlikely friends.

#yj:intro #✶ — › 𝔞 𝔰𝔴𝔢𝔢𝔱 𝔡𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔪 𝔬𝔯 𝔞 𝔟𝔢𝔞𝔲𝔱𝔦𝔣𝔲𝔩 𝔫𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔢 — ⌜ out of character. ⌟ #pls come lov the SINnamon roll

[thehonestmommy]

What I wish people told me about postpartum life

There is a TON of advise and guidance on what to expect when you are pregnant. Theres even more about how to handle every little cough, hiccup, and milestone that your baby goes through. But theres something in between thats severly lacking in conversation and warning. Postpartum life. Im not talking about how tired you will be or how your house will turn into a toy store. I mean the little things that will likely take you by surprise unless a well meaning friend shares it with you. Because for some reason, we as a society dont talk about the post partum mom, except for breasfeeding, baby weight, and stretch marks. But let me tell you, there is a whole lot more than that.

Well, as the over-sharer that I am, allow me to prepare you for the things that never get spoken about, and might surprise you about life after pregnancy. Here are some of the things I had to learn on my own, and that I wish someone told me about so I was more prepared.

WARNING: I’m gonna get personal and gross right from the get-go. Buckle up.

You will sweat…profusely

Seriously. My first night after giving birth, I was so sweaty. But I passed it off as just part of recovery. I mean, I did just spend 3 days pushing a human out of my body, I’m understandably sweaty. But then the next night, same thing. And the following night, too. For weeks and weeks it continued. I would wake up at night to feed my baby and be soaked, almost like I had the flu! I felt disgusting, and was constantly changing clothes. But the more I questioned other moms (online and in mom groups) the more I realized we all were experiencing this to some degree….we just wen’t talking about it. I mean, sure. It’s a bit embarrassing, especially if you aren’t a person who sweats very much under normal circumstances. But it woulda saved us all a lot of embarrassment if it was something we were told was par for the course! No need to worry, soggy momma. You are normal.

You will smell

This goes hand in hand with being sweaty. But it’s so much more than that. I was constantly getting whiffs of my own body odour…and boy was it bad. And it wasn’t the typical B.O. smell I’d get if I’d done some cardio and wasn’t able to shower straight away. This was a whole other beast. I kept trying to compensate for smelling horrible by saying it out loud and apologizing. But my mom and my husband kept reassuring me that they couldn’t smell a thing. But how couldn’t they?! I was so rank. Im telling you, it was so bad that I would shower, and sniff my pitts after soaping up while SILL IN THE SHOWER and I could still smell myself. Seriously. No amount of soap or scrubbing was making this go away.

But heres the thing. No one around me could smell it (or at least they wouldn’t tell me so) except my baby. You see, this is a special function of a breastfeeding mom. You take on a unique signature scent that helps your young baby identify you. And as they grow and their senses develop, the stench (or strength of it) fades away.

If i had known this before it happened, maybe I wouldn’t have cried in the shower after scrubbing my armpits raw.

Postpartum insomnia is a thing

We all know that new parents have a hard time sleeping. But I always thought it was because

A) The baby keeps you awake with its very loud singing, practicing for auditions on The Voice, B) The baby being asleep makes you freak out that its too still to be breathing , or C) You cant stop watching this adorable little chubby mini-me peacefully sleeping

So, it really surprised me when my baby started sleeping through the night, but I did not. I didn’t feel anxious. I wasn’t plagued of thoughts about my baby’s safety. And even though I loved watching him sleep, I was cool with rolling over and enjoying my much needed rest. But, no matter how tired I was, the sleep wouldn’t come. I would lay awake, utterly exhausted. I would just nodd off and the baby would wake. Every 5 nights or so, I would sleep. Yes, you read that right. I would only sleep after about 4 full sleepless nights. Those 4 to 5 days were torturous cat naps only. After about a month of this, I went to my Dr because I thought something was seriously wrong. She knowingly chuckled when I explained what was going on. “Postpartum insomnia” she said. Apparently, it’s a hormone thing. Not every woman experiences it, but it’s not uncommon. “it will go away when you are done breastfeeding, most likely.” Oh. My. God. Are you kidding me? My kid is finally sleeping for more than 30 minutes at a time, and now I cant, and wont, until i’m done breastfeeding? (I plan to breastfeed for at least a year) Mother nature, your jokes aren’t that funny.

Carpal tunnel syndrome

Exactly the same as postpartum insomnia, some women get carpal tunnel that wont go away till breastfeeding is over. Its not unusual for women to get it while they are pregnant, but even if you didn’t have it then, you could still get it once your baby has left the flesh-building. According to my doc, hormones mixed with weight-bearing hand positions (breastfeeding again, yay!) is the perfect recipe for some inflammation of the nerves in your forearms and hands. My hands didn’t hurt much during the day but at night they would drive me crazy. Think pins and needles to the nth degree. That shit is going to keep you awake #postpartuminsomnia

Breastfeeding + binge eating

breastfeeding burns a LOT of calories. You think you were eating for two while you were pregnant? Thats not nothing on breastfeeding. That baby keps getting bigger and hungrier. Get ready to smash some food.

Breastfeeding + thirst

Breastmilk is surprisingly watery. Baby drinks breast milk, your fluids deplete, the body needs more to make more milk. The process is not surprising. What might surprise you is that you get thirsty IMMEDIATELY after your baby has triggered the let-down (aka within minutes of him/her latching on) Keep a bottle of water handy for every nursing session. You are gonna need it.

Period pains

I think its fairly well established in the way we discuss postpartum that your period may not come back for a while. But what they DON’T tell you, is that you will still get similar pains fairly often. In the beginning, your uterus needs to go back to its regular size, so cramping/contractions will take place for a few weeks after giving birth to contract that uterus back to its old self. Thats right. You will still have contractions for WEEKS. Yay!

If you are breastfeeding, the cramping will happen DURING nursing. Its kinda cool, although pretty uncomfortable. You might notice the postpartum bloat go down in unison with those sessions of cramping. its different for all women, but for me, that intense cramping only lasted about 3-4 weeks. But here’s where people stop talking about it. But guess what? you will still get cramps! Pretty much once a month, I get a day of mild cramping. Its nothing like what it used to be (although my experience may be biased since I’m an endometriosis gal) but it’s still noticeable, and identifiable.

You are still ovulating

Carrying right on from getting those period cramps comes the obvious but often misunderstood fact that you are still ovulating. Many people are lead to believe that if they are breastfeeding and did not get their periods back yet, that they can not get pregnant. This is FALSE INFORMATION #fakenews So many woman end up pregnant again because they are not practicing safe sex under the assumption that no period means no ovulation. Sorry to say, your body goes right back on makin’ them eggs. Life, uh…finds a way #jurassicpark

Hormone imbalances continue (acne, sweats, cravings, mood swings)

Again, no secret to anyone that pregnant women are on a rollercoaster ride of hormones that are challenging at best, and downright unfair at worst. But whats most unfair is that you dont get to just be done with all that after your sweet little bundle arrives. Oh no. no no no. The rollercoaster gets more intense, if you can believe it.

Many people will be familiar with the term Post Partum Depression, which is common and no joke. If you suspect that you or someone you care about might be suffering from PPD, please access help. Start by talking to a doctor. There is LOTS of help available.

But, outside of PPD, it seems a disservice to me that no one explains that mood swings, food cravings, exhaustion, acne, hair loss/hair gain, sweating and the like are almost guaranteed to happen. I don’t mind speaking out about PPD and saying that I suffered, and I still do suffer from regressive episodes from time to time. But for a while, I wondered if all my other symptoms were PPD. My amazing midwife explained that those things are not indicative of PPD but a normal part of your body settling into its new role as a food truck (breastfeeding, again! argh!)

So if you are experiencing things that make you feel like a teenager again, you are not alone. It’s par for the course. But please talk to a Dr to get screened for post partum depression just to be sure.

leaking breasts

So I heard of this before. But I seriously was not prepared. I thought it was a unicorn thing that only happened to the rare woman who’s a breastmilk goddess with an oversupply. So i’m going to do you ladies a service and let you know the real deal here. Even if you think this wont happen to you, it probably might.

You don’t need to have an oversupply, your baby doesn’t need to suddenly sleep through the night. (although both of those things make it even more likely) Your breasts will spontaneously leak; maybe when your baby sleeps through the night the first time and your supply was hoping for a night feed. Maybe when your baby cries because it’s hungry and you don’t immediately get to them. Maybe when a srangers’ baby cries because it’s hungry. Maybe when you are looking at them on the baby monitor or watching them do something especially cute. Or maybe when you are having an intimate moment with your partner (YUP). MAKE PEACE WITH THIS. It will happen, and continue to happen, when you least expect it. You’r boobs now have a mind of their own.

Oh and just when you think that phase is over, it will happen again. #oops

Speedy hair and nail growth

This may be a pleasant surpriuse to some (or a major inconvenience depending on your maintenance level). Your hair and nail growth might speed up. Not sure why that one happens, but wow I feel like i cut my nails every week now. And I am getting 2x more haircuts, too.

Another common thing that happens is the texture of your hair changing. Many women go from luscious curls to straight locks or vice versa after pregnancy. Your body grew, sustained, and continues to sustain life. Those are MAJOR changes, so… Anything is possible!

Dry vaj (masquerading as injuries)

Oh yes. Im going there. If you made it this far, lets just assume you’re cool with how gross I can be at times. okay? Great. :) OKay, You are a mom. You might have pushed at baby out of your body. Or maybe you had someone surgically remove it. In both cases, your muscle structure gets significantly compromised. Under good health care, we are told to limit our activity for 6 weeks while the body heals. I dont know a single mom, c-section or vaginal delivery, who felt like their body was actually ready to get back in the game. It takes MONTHS to heal, and my midwife (did I mention shes awesome?) laid it out for me honestly. She said things are not gonna feel anywhere near normal for the better part of a year. I’m currently 8.5 months postpartum, and yo she was right. My core is weak, my diastases is still present, and I was in some serious pelvic pain for a long while.

So, on the advise of many a Dr and friend, I decided to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist in hopes that she can help guide me into a life where it doesn’t feel like I’m going to lose my uterus every time i squat down.

It was an embarassing and humbling experience. This Dr literally tests out your muscle control from within. Its like the most revealing pap you’ve ever had. But seriously, it was worth it. What i learned was even though i was expierencing pain, my muscle structure was NOT compromised. Where did the pain com from you might ask? Dryness.

Yeah I know. It’s not ladylike to talk about that. No one wants to admit its an issue either. But remember how breastfeeding affects almost every topic covered above? Well this one too. Surprise! Your body’s natural fluids are depleted in a big way when your kid drinks sometimes 200ml 6-10 times a day. (Go measure that our if you’r not familiar with it. Its a lot.) If you are not super hydrated, and extremely well nourished, your body will totally ditch its other systems to provide for your child instead. Its admirable, but dang if your not careful it really translates in so some serious discomfort.

Turns out that some topical moisturizers (coconut oil did it for me, but some people need something more substantial with estrogen in it) and maintaining my body’s hydration brought me back to 80%. Couple that with learning how to do diaphragmatic breathing and activating your transverse abdominus during kegel exercises (okay can we just not cover that? I’ve said enough gross stuff) and you’re well on your way to recovery.

The takeaway

Growing and serving up a baby does a number on your body, but it continues after the birth. It takes work, healthy choices and a lot of knowledge to stay on top of whats happening to your body once your baby is here. Breastfeeding, no matter how long you decide to do it, is a lot harder than people give credit for. It goes far beyond latch and weight peoblems, and not enough people talk about that. Be prepared for your body to continue to go through changes as your baby changes with you. Be kind to yourself, eat well, drink as much water as you can every day, and TALK TO OTHER MOMS about what the heck is going on. You’ll be surprised to know you are not alone. <3

#postpartum #ppd #baby #body #womens health #post partum #postpartum depression

[edrecoveryprobs]

RE: Anons (finally!!) 1-8

In this post:

#2: How to handle surgery-related diets

#4: our fave recovery blogs

#5: dealing with bullying about vitiligo

#8: Recovering through the transition to college + how to challenge romanticizing ED thoughts

[CW behavior mention]

1. hi, sorry to bother you but I'm nervous I might have an eating disorder? I've been hospitalized for malnutrition in the past, but I just wasn't eating enough. the behaviors now are like binge purge restrict so on so on. I've been eating about [x] calories a day now because I want to lose weight without binging/ purging. should i tell someone about this, or is this normal?

FAQ #3 but yes definitely tell someone who can help!

2. I have to have a endoscopy/colonoscopy in a few weeks, and the prep for it has me completely on edge. In order to have the procedure done, I have to eat a restricted diet for a week, not eat for [x amount of time], and then take a super powerful laxative. My doctor also recommended I go on a weight loss diet, even though I'm still at a healthy BMI. After being recovered for several years, I've been struggling with a relapse, and I'm afraid that this will push me over the edge. Any tips on how to deal?

Sorry this is so late! Here’s advice for anyone else in your situation.

First, tell your doctor! Ask which elements of this are most important, and which can be worked around. Your ED is a complicating condition, so they should really know about it -- they’re treating YOU, not just your colon.

Second, give your laxatives to someone you trust, preferably someone who lives with you. If you can, enlist their support with mealtimes as well. If you get really sad at the end of the meal bc you can feel yourself falling back into that old place, that’s okay. Have them remind you that this is temporary, and that food is not as black-and-white as your ED wants it to be. Cede responsibility for figuring out your intake to this trusted person. Also -- make sure no one lets you know your weight at any point! Perhaps they can tell you when you’re back at your normal weight but that’s it!! The less you can obsessively track, the better.

Third, get into therapy NOW. Once this diet is over and everything gets quiet is when the ED stuff really starts to hit. I find that usually my recovery phase is ½ as long as my restrictive phase if I’m in therapy, and 2x as long if I’m not.

Fourth, acknowledge that this is unusually difficult and that struggling with a difficult thing doesn’t negate all the work you’ve been doing for years. You’ve built a solid foundation that has a good chance of keeping you stable through this rough time, and even if that starts to crack you have those same foundation-building skills to get it back to good.

I hope things went well for you <3

3. your blog always makes me feel valid and safe. thank you.

You’re so welcome! I’m glad it helps <3

4. Hey!! Do you know of any other positive recovery blogs? Im too scared to look in the tags bc they're full of pro ana things :( I love your blog, thank you!!! ❤❤

Fyoured was my fave, idk if they’re still active though! There’s also scienceofeds but that’s mostly summarizing current medical literature on it. Edreocoverystarfish and clinicallydepressedpug are also great! You can also check out our reblog tag

5. I've been suffering from vitiligo practically my whole life and it's something that affects me both psychically and emotionally. My brother often makes fun of me because of it, his favourite name for me is ''Michael Jackson"

That’s so shitty of him. If it helps, siblings tend to be rather shitty as they’re growing up, because it usually takes like 15-20 years to learn the basic emotional skills it takes to really be there for someone you love. Some people (especially masculine-identified people because of the social penalties associated) take longer to learn or never do at all. That’s not your fault.

For what it’s worth, siblings tend to make fun of whatever your biggest insecurities are, because humans learn how to affect others’ emotions before they learn how to affect them positively. Mine was acne for a while, especially since I struggle with dermatillomania (skin-picking) -- my siblings would wait for a Papa John’s commercial of a pepperoni pizza, point to it, and say “hey look, it’s Selena! HA HA HA!!”. My sister was really insecure about her hair being parted exactly down the middle, so my other sister and I would make fun of her for that. What I mean to say is, it’s not about the vitiligo. It’s about your brother not having learned yet how to NOT be a rude little shit.

Also, there’s no absolute that different colored patches of skin are ugly or bad. Calico cats are so cute! Freckles are adorable! Winnie Harlow is so talented! Find reminders in your life and/or online that different isn’t bad, and that this difference can be jaw-droppingly gorgeous or heart-breakingly adorable or lovably cute. It’s all about how you wear it.

And finally, know that love is always a choice -- including self-love. Rather, it is a combination of tons of small choices. Am I treating myself with love? Do I talk to myself lovingly, the way I would talk to a friend who was in my situation? Do I appreciate what my skin does for me, pigment or no pigment? Am I cultivating a life full of things and people that validate that love? It’s hard at first, it always is, but once you start it becomes a really awesome habit. Here is a great place to start (adjust pronouns as appropriate).

Sending you lots of love <3

[CW poop mention]

6. Hi, this incredibly embarrassing, but I recently experienced some personal trauma and so I am having problems with eating... Mostly restrictive and the inability to swallow some foods. However, I am having some digestive problems, mostly issues with skid marks. I was wondering if this is common and if there is a remedy for it... This is the first time I have experienced something like this. Sorry.

First, I really honestly don’t think anyone goes through their life without ever getting skid marks lol so you’re not a freak at all. I get them from time to time and I don’t really have digestive problems. Usually it just means I need to eat more fiber or adjust the balance of my diet. Also, this might sound weird, but anal kegels might help! The anal ring is all muscles, after all, and if restricting is a problem then all muscles have probably atrophied a little bit, including those. And finally, it might just be bad toilet paper. There’s lots of kinds that are practically useless and turn into a pulpy mess instead of doing their damn job. If you’re at home, consider getting stronger toilet paper (2-ply etc) or carrying baby wipes in a purse or backpack. Black underwear can also help with the insecurity aspect.

7. I love your blog so much! It helps knowing what other people are going through while making it a little humorous. Stay awesome!!

:D will do!

[CW romanticizing relapse, negative body image] 8. I have been battling with my ed for [x amount of time] now. In [y]th grade I got so tiny, I felt so pretty. I had never been skinny until then. I gained a lot of weight from being on so many medications, and now I am at an average weight but I am so unhappy with my body. I still struggle with purging and skipping meals. I start college this fall and I am terrified that I am going to let ana control me since no one will notice. I just want to feel beautiful and I know I wont until I'm tiny…

Something I’ve been going through recently is trying to lovingly remind myself when these thoughts pop up: I’m not believing this stuff because it’s true, I believe it because I’m literally crazy. It’s somewhat counterintuitive, but those beliefs can really take ahold of you if you take them seriously. But it’s just a symptom of the mental illness you know you already have. It’s like if you were prone to visual or audial hallucinations -- they feel real. They look real. They sound real. Of course you’d believe there are lions chasing you right now, because all of the senses you usually trust are indicating that that’s true. But also, if you can use the knowledge you have to try to see past them, you can actually interact much better with your environment.

Facts: you feel unhappy with your body. You still struggle with disordered behaviors. You start college this fall. College represents a big challenge to your ability to keep ana under control.

Beliefs: I can’t feel good unless I am thin. I can’t help but do what my ED says. I must keep this all a secret. I can’t get any help.

In the past 5 years, there have been times you’ve felt happy. Even when you weren’t thin. State memory means it’s hard to think of times you’ve felt differently, but it’s just a fact about human brains that we can’t feel one feeling for very long without switching it up.

Also, I guarantee you that you weren’t happy then. It’s so easy to romanticize thinness -- we see thinness romanticized literally ad nauseam -- but it’s such an empty feeling to be stuck in your ED. It’s so hopeless. It feels so crappy to walk into a restaurant with your friends, to see them all laughing and having fun when all you can think about is how terrifying it is to order food and how much you want to run away. When I really think about how awful each moment is with an ED, how I’m constantly either freaking out about eating or dreading the next time I’ll have to eat, how I had to numb myself constantly because reality felt so bleak.... Thin just isn’t worth it.

And let’s be clear: thin isn’t pretty. It’s just thin. Thin people CAN be pretty, but so can people of size, and so can very muscular people, and so can people whose body shape is more average. And eating disorders will make you thin at the expense of everything your body needs to maintain itself. It’s like insisting that houses are only thin if they have columns out front, so you hack off the front door, peel off the siding, pry up all the furniture, and stack up this pile of garbage to make some columns. You’re better off with a column-less but functioning house than one full of holes and empty inside.

Before you get to college, look up the mental health resources. Sign up for counseling through your school ASAP!!! Counseling tends to fill up as midterms approach, so this way you’ll be covered in case things go downhill later. Also, TELL people you trust. This you must do even if everything in you screams not to, because everything in you will scream not to, because your ED brain is actually trying to kill you. The more trusted people you tell, the less you have to fight it on your own, and the more resources you have to fight it. ALSO, see if there is an ED support group or a body positivity group on campus. Being around people who can gently call out disordered thoughts is a huge relief! And finally, explore other things that make you feel beautiful. Some people like makeup, and seeing how much of appearance is just illusion. Some feel beautiful when they know that they are strong and agile. Experiment with your clothing. Cut or dye your hair. Now is the time to test out different styles, and those are so much more fun to work on than calorie counting.

Lastly, you have more to do than be tiny. Mice are tiny. 5 cent candies are tiny. Pinky toe nails are tiny. What can you do that’s new? That helps you learn? That’s helpful? That’s exciting? Ana ignores all of that because of an obsession with BEING one thing. But ana doesn’t know shit about all the weird, cool, funny, wild stuff you can do. Show her what she’s missing.

Best of luck to you, and if you find yourself struggling in college don’t be afraid to message us back. We’re here for you throughout your recovery process <3

#surgery #laxatives #recovery and college #vitiligo #fanmail #skid marks #anonymous #ask

[milenasanchezmk]

Is Keto Bad For Cholesterol?

We’ve all heard the story. Maybe we’ve even been the protagonist.

Person goes full keto. They lose a bunch of weight, normalize their pre-diabetic glucose numbers, resolve their high blood pressure readings, have more energy, feel great, and have nothing but high praise for the new way of eating.

Except for one thing, everything seems perfect: their cholesterol is sky-high. It throws a wrench into the whole operation, installs a raincloud over the procession, spoils their confidence.

“Could I be killing myself?”

“Are my health improvements just a mirage?”

In other words, are the apparent benefits of keto merely superficial if your cholesterol skyrockets?

The evidence is pretty clear that for the majority of adults who go keto, their cholesterol numbers improve.

In obese adults with type 2 diabetes, a ketogenic diet improved blood lipids and boosted fat loss compared to a low-calorie diet.

In lean, healthy adults without any weight to lose (and who didn’t lose any weight during the course of the diet), total cholesterol went up from 159 to 208 mg/dL and triglycerides fell from 107 to 79 mg/dL. A lipophobic doc might freak out at the rise in TC, but given that the triglycerides dropped, I bet the change reflects a rise in HDL and an overall positive, at worst-neutral effect.

Another study of lean adults with normal cholesterol numbers found that going keto improved their lipids, reducing triglycerides, increasing HDL, and leaving LDL unchanged. Those with small pattern B LDL particles (the “bad kind”) saw their LDL particle size increase, on average. All told, keto was beneficial.

But you aren’t everyone. You aren’t the average of a population. And, given the number of readers I have and the number of people trying a ketogenic diet, there are bound to be some people whose lipid profiles go in the other direction.

I don’t give medical advice here, and I always encourage people to partner with the physicians for health solutions. That said, let me share some thoughts on the keto-cholesterol question….

I’m not just talking about high total cholesterol or high LDL-C. I’m talking about what appears to be the real, legit risk factor for a cardiac event: elevated LDL particle number. According to experts like Dr. Peter Attia and Dr. Chris Masterjohn, atherosclerosis occurs when LDL particles infiltrate the endothelial lining of our arteries. Thus, it’s not high LDL cholesterol that increases the risk of atherosclerosis—LDL-C is the cholesterol found inside the particles— it’s a high number of LDL particles in circulation. The more LDL-P, the greater the chance of them becoming oxidized and infiltrating the arterial wall. There are many factors to consider, like oxidative stress, inflammation, and fatty acid composition of the LDL particles, but all else being equal, a greater number of LDL particles seems to increase the risk of a heart attack.

What Could Be Causing LDL Elevations On Keto? Weight Loss

I asked Dr. Cate Shanahan for her input on this topic, and she provided a beautiful explanation:

But when you stop eating so many carbs insulin politely steps aside, and your insulin levels plummet. Now your body fat can more easily and more often release its stores of fatty acids into your bloodstream.

When your body fat releases stored fatty acids, any unused fatty acids quickly get picked up by the liver and packed into VLDL lipoprotein. VLDL is a precursor to LDL. So in reducing your insulin levels and increasing your body’s use of fat, you will raise your VLDL, LDL and total cholesterol. You are simply trafficking in fat more often now. And now, because your body stabilizes fat carrying lipoproteins with cholesterol, there is a need for more cholesterol in your blood. These are not bad consequences. They are in fact happy signs your diet is doing what its supposed to be doing.

If you’re actively losing weight, you will probably experience a rise in cholesterol. This is the transient hypercholesterolemia of major weight loss, and it’s a well-known phenomenon. Once your weight stabilizes, cholesterol should normalize—although to a lesser extent than other diets, given Dr. Cate Shanahan’s explanation of increased “trafficking in fat.”

Low Thyroid Function

The thyroid is a barometer for your energy status. If you have plentiful energy to spare, thyroid function is normal. If your body perceives low energy availability, thyroid function may down-regulate. Since the thyroid plays a big role in regulation of LDL receptor activity, its downregulation can lower LDL receptor sites. Fewer LDL-receptors clear LDL particles from the blood. Folks with genetic predispositions to heart disease often have low LDL receptor activity, causing elevated LDL particles. Folks with genetic variants that increase the activity and expression of LDL receptors have lower heart disease rates. Although genes often have different effects that may affect disease risk via other pathways, that’s pretty strong evidence that LDL receptor activity regulates, at least in part, one’s LDL-P and heart disease risk.

Read this post for maintaining thyroid function on keto, and check out Elle Russ’ Paleo Thyroid Solution for an even deeper, more thorough dive into thyroid health.

Eating Too Damn Much

Some keto people pride themselves on gorging. Some are doing it for a good cause—a quest to find the fabled metabolic advantage. Some are doing it to show off and for keto cred—look how much salami I can eat! Some are using keto to deal with unresolved issues with food itself.

Everything I say about doing keto presupposes that you are eating like a normal person. You’re eating as much as you need to fuel your brain and daily activities, fitness and performance goals. You’re leaving the table satiated, not stuffed. For most people, this happens without even trying. It’s why keto is so effective for weight loss.

Genetic Variance

Genes aren’t destiny, but they do modify and regulate our response to a given environmental input.

Some people are dietary cholesterol hyper responders. Unlike the majority of the population, they absorb tons of dietary cholesterol and do not down-regulate their endogenous production to accommodate. The result is an increase in cholesterol synthesis and absorption, leading to a spike in blood cholesterol.

Some people are sensitive to saturated fat. In response to it, they produce elevated numbers of LDL particles. If your keto diet is high in saturated fat and you have a genetic sensitivity to it, your cholesterol will probably skyrocket.

Some people have genes that reduce the activity of their LDL receptors. This will necessarily boost LDL particle numbers.

This topic—genetic variance and how it affects keto—could be an entirely separate post, so I’ll leave it at that (and probably come back to it in the future).

Too Much Butter

Huh? Too much butter, Sisson? Is such a thing even possible?

Maybe. Subjecting cream to the butter-making process strips it of something called milk fat globule membrane (MFGM). And when you compare equal amounts of dairy fat through either cream (with MFGM intact) or butter oil (with MFGM absent), you get very different metabolic effects. Those who ate 40 grams of dairy fat through butter oil saw their lipids worsen, including ApoB, a surrogate for LDL particle number. Those who ate 40 grams of dairy fat through cream saw their lipids unchanged, and in the case of ApoB even improve.  That’s 4 tablespoons of butter compared to 4 ounces, or a half cup, of heavy cream.

Caveats apply here. The subjects weren’t eating a low-carb or ketogenic diet; they just added the butter or cream on top of their normal diet. But in keto people who are genetically susceptible, huge amounts of butter may be responsible for rising LDL-P.

I still love butter. It doesn’t affect my lipids like that. But your mileage may vary, and it’s something to think about if you’re in that situation.

For what it’s worth, whole food dairy like full-fat yogurt, kefir, and cheese do not have the same effect on lipids as butter. They also happen to be keto-friendly and more nutrient-dense.

So, What Can You Do If You See An Increase in LDL? Start Chugging Soybean Oil

Kidding… It’s true that swapping out some of your animal fats for polyunsaturated seed oils will almost certainly lower your cholesterol levels. It does this by increasing LDL receptor activity, but, being far more unstable than other fats, omega-6 PUFAs also increase the tendency of the LDL particles to oxidize. And since oxidized LDL are the ones that end up wedging in the arterial walls and causing issues, loading up on PUFAs might not be the right path.

You know what just occurred to me? This is an aside, but maybe linoleic acid (the primary fatty acid in seed oils) up-regulates LDL-R activity because the body recognizes the inherent instability of linoleic acid-enriched LDL particles and wants to clear them out before they can cause trouble. I hope some researchers take this idea further.

Stop Being a Keto Caricature.

Half a package of cream cheese for a snack.

Dipping an entire stick of pepperoni into homemade alfredo sauce and calling it dinner.

I’m not saying cream cheese is bad. It’s great. Nor am I suggesting you never eat pepperoni, dipped in alfredo sauce or not. But the amounts are unreasonable. And turning those into regular meals is a bad idea. There’s no reason you can’t go keto while eating a hamburger patty or ribeye over a Big Ass Salad. Far more nutrients, far more micronutrients, and it tastes way better.

Eat Less

Maybe if you’re a nomadic horselord sweeping across Europe in the early Bronze Age, you need to eat an entire lamb intestine stuffed with marrow and organs, and you should wash it down with a quart of creamy mare milk. Such a meal would provide the calories you need to see your enemies driven before you and go great with the lamentations of their women. But you’re not a Yamnaya nomad. You’re you.

You probably don’t need that much food, that many calories, and that much fat—since there’s plenty of it on your body already, waiting to be liberated and converted into energy.  Therein lies the beauty of keto. That’s what this is all about: Getting better at burning your own body fat.

Balance Your Fats

The overzealous and protracted drive to demonize all sources of saturated fat as evil has led to a vociferous backlash from the other direction. But just because the supposed experts got the saturated fat issue wrong doesn’t mean the opposite is true: That all the fat we eat should be as saturated as possible.

For one thing, eating nothing but saturated fat is very hard to do using whole foods. Very few animals exist in the world, past or present, with only saturated fat. The only exception I can recall is the coconut, a curious sort of beast that spends most of its time hanging from a tree impersonating a large hairy drupe. Your average slab of beef fat runs about 50% saturated fat, 45% monounsaturated fat, and 5% PUFA. That differs from cut to cut and depending on the diet of the animal, but not by much. It’s similar for other ruminants like bison and lamb. And the most prominent saturated fatty acid in ruminant fat is stearic acid, a fat that converts to monounsaturated oleic acid in the body and has an effect on cholesterol indistinguishable from MUFA or PUFA.

Or take the fatty acid composition of game meat—the type humans encountered and consumed for our entire history.

African kudu (antelope family): 35% SFA, 24% MUFA, 39% PUFA

African impala (antelope family): 51% SFA, 15% MUFA, 33% PUFA

Elk: roughly 40% SFA, 30% MUFA, 30% PUFA

Moose: roughly 33% SFA, 33% MUFA, 33% PUFA

I could go on, but you get the idea: Humans have been consuming a wide range of fatty acids for millennia. It probably makes sense to emulate that intake.

Once again, the folks whose cholesterol goes nuts on keto are outnumbered by those whose cholesterol improves. But if you’re one of the unlucky ones in the former category, try broadening your fatty acid intake (to, ahem, possibly include more nuts):

Focus on monounsaturated fats and fat from meat, rather than isolated sources of saturated fat like butter and coconut oil. You probably don’t have to eliminate those fats. Just don’t make them the centerpiece of your diet.

Eat more avocados, avocado oil, olives, olive oil, and mac nuts for monounsaturated fat. Salads are a great nutrient-dense way to incorporate high-MUFA foods.

Eat more fish. A couple portions of farmed Atlantic salmon were enough to improve LDL-P in overweight men and women. And compared to plain keto, keto + omega-3s from fish has a superior effect on inflammation and metabolic health.

Eat more kudu and impala (if you can get it). Sort of kidding. But really, eat them if you can.

They even have a version of keto called the Spanish ketogenic diet, which features a lot of extra virgin olive oil, olives, fish, and red wine. It works great and might be a good alternative for people whose cholesterol goes wild on saturated fat-heavy keto.

Are Traditional Lipid Markers Even Relevant for Keto Dieters?

Maybe, maybe not.

But be honest about it. You can’t oscillate between championing positive changes to blood lipids on a keto diet and pooh-poohing negative changes to blood lipids on a keto diet.

You can’t use positive changes to prove the efficacy and safety of the ketogenic diet, then turn around and claim that negative changes don’t count because keto dieters are understudied. What if those “positive” changes are actually negative in the context of a ketogenic metabolism? After all, keto dieters are largely understudied in both directions. If what’s unhealthy in a normal dieter might be healthy in a keto dieter, what’s healthy in a normal dieter may be unhealthy in a keto dieter.

I write these things as a strong proponent of spending a significant time in ketosis. As someone who frequently hangs out in a ketogenic state. As someone who wrote a book about keto and is writing another. But also as someone who insists on maintaining strict intellectual honesty and integrity.

We simply don’t know what very high cholesterol numbers mean in the subset of ketogenic dieters who experience them. I strongly suggest not being too flippant about them. 

True: There aren’t any perfect studies examining the utility of conventional cardiovascular risk factors in people eating the type of keto diets you see in the ancestral health space. Maybe your elevated LDL particle number doesn’t mean what it means in the average overweight adult eating the Standard American Diet. Maybe your inflammation is low enough that the risk of atherosclerosis and oxidative modification of LDL is low. But I wouldn’t take that risk, not until we have more data.

What do you think, folks? How did keto affect your blood lipids? Did you make any changes, and if so, did they work? Thanks for stopping in today.

Note: This information isn’t intended as and shouldn’t be considered medical advice. Always consult your doctor in the management or treatment of any health issue.

References:

Hussain TA, Mathew TC, Dashti AA, Asfar S, Al-zaid N, Dashti HM. Effect of low-calorie versus low-carbohydrate ketogenic diet in type 2 diabetes. Nutrition. 2012;28(10):1016-21.

Phinney SD, Tang AB, Waggoner CR, Tezanos-pinto RG, Davis PA. The transient hypercholesterolemia of major weight loss. Am J Clin Nutr. 1991;53(6):1404-10.

Phinney SD, Bistrian BR, Wolfe RR, Blackburn GL. The human metabolic response to chronic ketosis without caloric restriction: physical and biochemical adaptation. Metab Clin Exp. 1983;32(8):757-68.

Kleinveld HA, Naber AH, Stalenhoef AF, Demacker PN. Oxidation resistance, oxidation rate, and extent of oxidation of human low-density lipoprotein depend on the ratio of oleic acid content to linoleic acid content: studies in vitamin E deficient subjects. Free Radic Biol Med. 1993;15(3):273-80.

Rosqvist F, Smedman A, Lindmark-månsson H, et al. Potential role of milk fat globule membrane in modulating plasma lipoproteins, gene expression, and cholesterol metabolism in humans: a randomized study. Am J Clin Nutr. 2015;102(1):20-30.

Raatz SK, Johnson LK, Rosenberger TA, Picklo MJ. Twice weekly intake of farmed Atlantic salmon (Salmo salar) positively influences lipoprotein concentration and particle size in overweight men and women. Nutr Res. 2016;36(9):899-906.

De luis D, Domingo JC, Izaola O, Casanueva FF, Bellido D, Sajoux I. Effect of DHA supplementation in a very low-calorie ketogenic diet in the treatment of obesity: a randomized clinical trial. Endocrine. 2016;54(1):111-122.

Pérez-guisado J, Muñoz-serrano A. A pilot study of the Spanish Ketogenic Mediterranean Diet: an effective therapy for the metabolic syndrome. J Med Food. 2011;14(7-8):681-7.

The post Is Keto Bad For Cholesterol? appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

[fishermariawo]

Is Keto Bad For Cholesterol?

We’ve all heard the story. Maybe we’ve even been the protagonist.

Person goes full keto. They lose a bunch of weight, normalize their pre-diabetic glucose numbers, resolve their high blood pressure readings, have more energy, feel great, and have nothing but high praise for the new way of eating.

Except for one thing, everything seems perfect: their cholesterol is sky-high. It throws a wrench into the whole operation, installs a raincloud over the procession, spoils their confidence.

“Could I be killing myself?”

“Are my health improvements just a mirage?”

In other words, are the apparent benefits of keto merely superficial if your cholesterol skyrockets?

The evidence is pretty clear that for the majority of adults who go keto, their cholesterol numbers improve.

In obese adults with type 2 diabetes, a ketogenic diet improved blood lipids and boosted fat loss compared to a low-calorie diet.

In lean, healthy adults without any weight to lose (and who didn’t lose any weight during the course of the diet), total cholesterol went up from 159 to 208 mg/dL and triglycerides fell from 107 to 79 mg/dL. A lipophobic doc might freak out at the rise in TC, but given that the triglycerides dropped, I bet the change reflects a rise in HDL and an overall positive, at worst-neutral effect.

Another study of lean adults with normal cholesterol numbers found that going keto improved their lipids, reducing triglycerides, increasing HDL, and leaving LDL unchanged. Those with small pattern B LDL particles (the “bad kind”) saw their LDL particle size increase, on average. All told, keto was beneficial.

But you aren’t everyone. You aren’t the average of a population. And, given the number of readers I have and the number of people trying a ketogenic diet, there are bound to be some people whose lipid profiles go in the other direction.

I don’t give medical advice here, and I always encourage people to partner with the physicians for health solutions. That said, let me share some thoughts on the keto-cholesterol question….

I’m not just talking about high total cholesterol or high LDL-C. I’m talking about what appears to be the real, legit risk factor for a cardiac event: elevated LDL particle number. According to experts like Dr. Peter Attia and Dr. Chris Masterjohn, atherosclerosis occurs when LDL particles infiltrate the endothelial lining of our arteries. Thus, it’s not high LDL cholesterol that increases the risk of atherosclerosis—LDL-C is the cholesterol found inside the particles— it’s a high number of LDL particles in circulation. The more LDL-P, the greater the chance of them becoming oxidized and infiltrating the arterial wall. There are many factors to consider, like oxidative stress, inflammation, and fatty acid composition of the LDL particles, but all else being equal, a greater number of LDL particles seems to increase the risk of a heart attack.

What Could Be Causing LDL Elevations On Keto? Weight Loss

I asked Dr. Cate Shanahan for her input on this topic, and she provided a beautiful explanation:

But when you stop eating so many carbs insulin politely steps aside, and your insulin levels plummet. Now your body fat can more easily and more often release its stores of fatty acids into your bloodstream.

When your body fat releases stored fatty acids, any unused fatty acids quickly get picked up by the liver and packed into VLDL lipoprotein. VLDL is a precursor to LDL. So in reducing your insulin levels and increasing your body’s use of fat, you will raise your VLDL, LDL and total cholesterol. You are simply trafficking in fat more often now. And now, because your body stabilizes fat carrying lipoproteins with cholesterol, there is a need for more cholesterol in your blood. These are not bad consequences. They are in fact happy signs your diet is doing what its supposed to be doing.

If you’re actively losing weight, you will probably experience a rise in cholesterol. This is the transient hypercholesterolemia of major weight loss, and it’s a well-known phenomenon. Once your weight stabilizes, cholesterol should normalize—although to a lesser extent than other diets, given Dr. Cate Shanahan’s explanation of increased “trafficking in fat.”

Low Thyroid Function

The thyroid is a barometer for your energy status. If you have plentiful energy to spare, thyroid function is normal. If your body perceives low energy availability, thyroid function may down-regulate. Since the thyroid plays a big role in regulation of LDL receptor activity, its downregulation can lower LDL receptor sites. Fewer LDL-receptors clear LDL particles from the blood. Folks with genetic predispositions to heart disease often have low LDL receptor activity, causing elevated LDL particles. Folks with genetic variants that increase the activity and expression of LDL receptors have lower heart disease rates. Although genes often have different effects that may affect disease risk via other pathways, that’s pretty strong evidence that LDL receptor activity regulates, at least in part, one’s LDL-P and heart disease risk.

Read this post for maintaining thyroid function on keto, and check out Elle Russ’ Paleo Thyroid Solution for an even deeper, more thorough dive into thyroid health.

Eating Too Damn Much

Some keto people pride themselves on gorging. Some are doing it for a good cause—a quest to find the fabled metabolic advantage. Some are doing it to show off and for keto cred—look how much salami I can eat! Some are using keto to deal with unresolved issues with food itself.

Everything I say about doing keto presupposes that you are eating like a normal person. You’re eating as much as you need to fuel your brain and daily activities, fitness and performance goals. You’re leaving the table satiated, not stuffed. For most people, this happens without even trying. It’s why keto is so effective for weight loss.

Genetic Variance

Genes aren’t destiny, but they do modify and regulate our response to a given environmental input.

Some people are dietary cholesterol hyper responders. Unlike the majority of the population, they absorb tons of dietary cholesterol and do not down-regulate their endogenous production to accommodate. The result is an increase in cholesterol synthesis and absorption, leading to a spike in blood cholesterol.

Some people are sensitive to saturated fat. In response to it, they produce elevated numbers of LDL particles. If your keto diet is high in saturated fat and you have a genetic sensitivity to it, your cholesterol will probably skyrocket.

Some people have genes that reduce the activity of their LDL receptors. This will necessarily boost LDL particle numbers.

This topic—genetic variance and how it affects keto—could be an entirely separate post, so I’ll leave it at that (and probably come back to it in the future).

Too Much Butter

Huh? Too much butter, Sisson? Is such a thing even possible?

Maybe. Subjecting cream to the butter-making process strips it of something called milk fat globule membrane (MFGM). And when you compare equal amounts of dairy fat through either cream (with MFGM intact) or butter oil (with MFGM absent), you get very different metabolic effects. Those who ate 40 grams of dairy fat through butter oil saw their lipids worsen, including ApoB, a surrogate for LDL particle number. Those who ate 40 grams of dairy fat through cream saw their lipids unchanged, and in the case of ApoB even improve.  That’s 4 tablespoons of butter compared to 4 ounces, or a half cup, of heavy cream.

Caveats apply here. The subjects weren’t eating a low-carb or ketogenic diet; they just added the butter or cream on top of their normal diet. But in keto people who are genetically susceptible, huge amounts of butter may be responsible for rising LDL-P.

I still love butter. It doesn’t affect my lipids like that. But your mileage may vary, and it’s something to think about if you’re in that situation.

For what it’s worth, whole food dairy like full-fat yogurt, kefir, and cheese do not have the same effect on lipids as butter. They also happen to be keto-friendly and more nutrient-dense.

So, What Can You Do If You See An Increase in LDL? Start Chugging Soybean Oil

Kidding… It’s true that swapping out some of your animal fats for polyunsaturated seed oils will almost certainly lower your cholesterol levels. It does this by increasing LDL receptor activity, but, being far more unstable than other fats, omega-6 PUFAs also increase the tendency of the LDL particles to oxidize. And since oxidized LDL are the ones that end up wedging in the arterial walls and causing issues, loading up on PUFAs might not be the right path.

You know what just occurred to me? This is an aside, but maybe linoleic acid (the primary fatty acid in seed oils) up-regulates LDL-R activity because the body recognizes the inherent instability of linoleic acid-enriched LDL particles and wants to clear them out before they can cause trouble. I hope some researchers take this idea further.

Stop Being a Keto Caricature.

Half a package of cream cheese for a snack.

Dipping an entire stick of pepperoni into homemade alfredo sauce and calling it dinner.

I’m not saying cream cheese is bad. It’s great. Nor am I suggesting you never eat pepperoni, dipped in alfredo sauce or not. But the amounts are unreasonable. And turning those into regular meals is a bad idea. There’s no reason you can’t go keto while eating a hamburger patty or ribeye over a Big Ass Salad. Far more nutrients, far more micronutrients, and it tastes way better.

Eat Less

Maybe if you’re a nomadic horselord sweeping across Europe in the early Bronze Age, you need to eat an entire lamb intestine stuffed with marrow and organs, and you should wash it down with a quart of creamy mare milk. Such a meal would provide the calories you need to see your enemies driven before you and go great with the lamentations of their women. But you’re not a Yamnaya nomad. You’re you.

You probably don’t need that much food, that many calories, and that much fat—since there’s plenty of it on your body already, waiting to be liberated and converted into energy.  Therein lies the beauty of keto. That’s what this is all about: Getting better at burning your own body fat.

Balance Your Fats

The overzealous and protracted drive to demonize all sources of saturated fat as evil has led to a vociferous backlash from the other direction. But just because the supposed experts got the saturated fat issue wrong doesn’t mean the opposite is true: That all the fat we eat should be as saturated as possible.

For one thing, eating nothing but saturated fat is very hard to do using whole foods. Very few animals exist in the world, past or present, with only saturated fat. The only exception I can recall is the coconut, a curious sort of beast that spends most of its time hanging from a tree impersonating a large hairy drupe. Your average slab of beef fat runs about 50% saturated fat, 45% monounsaturated fat, and 5% PUFA. That differs from cut to cut and depending on the diet of the animal, but not by much. It’s similar for other ruminants like bison and lamb. And the most prominent saturated fatty acid in ruminant fat is stearic acid, a fat that converts to monounsaturated oleic acid in the body and has an effect on cholesterol indistinguishable from MUFA or PUFA.

Or take the fatty acid composition of game meat—the type humans encountered and consumed for our entire history.

African kudu (antelope family): 35% SFA, 24% MUFA, 39% PUFA

African impala (antelope family): 51% SFA, 15% MUFA, 33% PUFA

Elk: roughly 40% SFA, 30% MUFA, 30% PUFA

Moose: roughly 33% SFA, 33% MUFA, 33% PUFA

I could go on, but you get the idea: Humans have been consuming a wide range of fatty acids for millennia. It probably makes sense to emulate that intake.

Once again, the folks whose cholesterol goes nuts on keto are outnumbered by those whose cholesterol improves. But if you’re one of the unlucky ones in the former category, try broadening your fatty acid intake (to, ahem, possibly include more nuts):

Focus on monounsaturated fats and fat from meat, rather than isolated sources of saturated fat like butter and coconut oil. You probably don’t have to eliminate those fats. Just don’t make them the centerpiece of your diet.

Eat more avocados, avocado oil, olives, olive oil, and mac nuts for monounsaturated fat. Salads are a great nutrient-dense way to incorporate high-MUFA foods.

Eat more fish. A couple portions of farmed Atlantic salmon were enough to improve LDL-P in overweight men and women. And compared to plain keto, keto + omega-3s from fish has a superior effect on inflammation and metabolic health.

Eat more kudu and impala (if you can get it). Sort of kidding. But really, eat them if you can.

They even have a version of keto called the Spanish ketogenic diet, which features a lot of extra virgin olive oil, olives, fish, and red wine. It works great and might be a good alternative for people whose cholesterol goes wild on saturated fat-heavy keto.

Are Traditional Lipid Markers Even Relevant for Keto Dieters?

Maybe, maybe not.

But be honest about it. You can’t oscillate between championing positive changes to blood lipids on a keto diet and pooh-poohing negative changes to blood lipids on a keto diet.

You can’t use positive changes to prove the efficacy and safety of the ketogenic diet, then turn around and claim that negative changes don’t count because keto dieters are understudied. What if those “positive” changes are actually negative in the context of a ketogenic metabolism? After all, keto dieters are largely understudied in both directions. If what’s unhealthy in a normal dieter might be healthy in a keto dieter, what’s healthy in a normal dieter may be unhealthy in a keto dieter.

I write these things as a strong proponent of spending a significant time in ketosis. As someone who frequently hangs out in a ketogenic state. As someone who wrote a book about keto and is writing another. But also as someone who insists on maintaining strict intellectual honesty and integrity.

We simply don’t know what very high cholesterol numbers mean in the subset of ketogenic dieters who experience them. I strongly suggest not being too flippant about them. 

True: There aren’t any perfect studies examining the utility of conventional cardiovascular risk factors in people eating the type of keto diets you see in the ancestral health space. Maybe your elevated LDL particle number doesn’t mean what it means in the average overweight adult eating the Standard American Diet. Maybe your inflammation is low enough that the risk of atherosclerosis and oxidative modification of LDL is low. But I wouldn’t take that risk, not until we have more data.

What do you think, folks? How did keto affect your blood lipids? Did you make any changes, and if so, did they work? Thanks for stopping in today.

Note: This information isn’t intended as and shouldn’t be considered medical advice. Always consult your doctor in the management or treatment of any health issue.

References:

Hussain TA, Mathew TC, Dashti AA, Asfar S, Al-zaid N, Dashti HM. Effect of low-calorie versus low-carbohydrate ketogenic diet in type 2 diabetes. Nutrition. 2012;28(10):1016-21.

Phinney SD, Tang AB, Waggoner CR, Tezanos-pinto RG, Davis PA. The transient hypercholesterolemia of major weight loss. Am J Clin Nutr. 1991;53(6):1404-10.

Phinney SD, Bistrian BR, Wolfe RR, Blackburn GL. The human metabolic response to chronic ketosis without caloric restriction: physical and biochemical adaptation. Metab Clin Exp. 1983;32(8):757-68.

Kleinveld HA, Naber AH, Stalenhoef AF, Demacker PN. Oxidation resistance, oxidation rate, and extent of oxidation of human low-density lipoprotein depend on the ratio of oleic acid content to linoleic acid content: studies in vitamin E deficient subjects. Free Radic Biol Med. 1993;15(3):273-80.

Rosqvist F, Smedman A, Lindmark-månsson H, et al. Potential role of milk fat globule membrane in modulating plasma lipoproteins, gene expression, and cholesterol metabolism in humans: a randomized study. Am J Clin Nutr. 2015;102(1):20-30.

Raatz SK, Johnson LK, Rosenberger TA, Picklo MJ. Twice weekly intake of farmed Atlantic salmon (Salmo salar) positively influences lipoprotein concentration and particle size in overweight men and women. Nutr Res. 2016;36(9):899-906.

De luis D, Domingo JC, Izaola O, Casanueva FF, Bellido D, Sajoux I. Effect of DHA supplementation in a very low-calorie ketogenic diet in the treatment of obesity: a randomized clinical trial. Endocrine. 2016;54(1):111-122.

Pérez-guisado J, Muñoz-serrano A. A pilot study of the Spanish Ketogenic Mediterranean Diet: an effective therapy for the metabolic syndrome. J Med Food. 2011;14(7-8):681-7.

The post Is Keto Bad For Cholesterol? appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

[watsonrodriquezie]

Is Keto Bad For Cholesterol?

We’ve all heard the story. Maybe we’ve even been the protagonist.

Person goes full keto. They lose a bunch of weight, normalize their pre-diabetic glucose numbers, resolve their high blood pressure readings, have more energy, feel great, and have nothing but high praise for the new way of eating.

Except for one thing, everything seems perfect: their cholesterol is sky-high. It throws a wrench into the whole operation, installs a raincloud over the procession, spoils their confidence.

“Could I be killing myself?”

“Are my health improvements just a mirage?”

In other words, are the apparent benefits of keto merely superficial if your cholesterol skyrockets?

The evidence is pretty clear that for the majority of adults who go keto, their cholesterol numbers improve.

In obese adults with type 2 diabetes, a ketogenic diet improved blood lipids and boosted fat loss compared to a low-calorie diet.

In lean, healthy adults without any weight to lose (and who didn’t lose any weight during the course of the diet), total cholesterol went up from 159 to 208 mg/dL and triglycerides fell from 107 to 79 mg/dL. A lipophobic doc might freak out at the rise in TC, but given that the triglycerides dropped, I bet the change reflects a rise in HDL and an overall positive, at worst-neutral effect.

Another study of lean adults with normal cholesterol numbers found that going keto improved their lipids, reducing triglycerides, increasing HDL, and leaving LDL unchanged. Those with small pattern B LDL particles (the “bad kind”) saw their LDL particle size increase, on average. All told, keto was beneficial.

But you aren’t everyone. You aren’t the average of a population. And, given the number of readers I have and the number of people trying a ketogenic diet, there are bound to be some people whose lipid profiles go in the other direction.

I don’t give medical advice here, and I always encourage people to partner with the physicians for health solutions. That said, let me share some thoughts on the keto-cholesterol question….

I’m not just talking about high total cholesterol or high LDL-C. I’m talking about what appears to be the real, legit risk factor for a cardiac event: elevated LDL particle number. According to experts like Dr. Peter Attia and Dr. Chris Masterjohn, atherosclerosis occurs when LDL particles infiltrate the endothelial lining of our arteries. Thus, it’s not high LDL cholesterol that increases the risk of atherosclerosis—LDL-C is the cholesterol found inside the particles— it’s a high number of LDL particles in circulation. The more LDL-P, the greater the chance of them becoming oxidized and infiltrating the arterial wall. There are many factors to consider, like oxidative stress, inflammation, and fatty acid composition of the LDL particles, but all else being equal, a greater number of LDL particles seems to increase the risk of a heart attack.

What Could Be Causing LDL Elevations On Keto? Weight Loss

I asked Dr. Cate Shanahan for her input on this topic, and she provided a beautiful explanation:

But when you stop eating so many carbs insulin politely steps aside, and your insulin levels plummet. Now your body fat can more easily and more often release its stores of fatty acids into your bloodstream.

When your body fat releases stored fatty acids, any unused fatty acids quickly get picked up by the liver and packed into VLDL lipoprotein. VLDL is a precursor to LDL. So in reducing your insulin levels and increasing your body’s use of fat, you will raise your VLDL, LDL and total cholesterol. You are simply trafficking in fat more often now. And now, because your body stabilizes fat carrying lipoproteins with cholesterol, there is a need for more cholesterol in your blood. These are not bad consequences. They are in fact happy signs your diet is doing what its supposed to be doing.

If you’re actively losing weight, you will probably experience a rise in cholesterol. This is the transient hypercholesterolemia of major weight loss, and it’s a well-known phenomenon. Once your weight stabilizes, cholesterol should normalize—although to a lesser extent than other diets, given Dr. Cate Shanahan’s explanation of increased “trafficking in fat.”

Low Thyroid Function

The thyroid is a barometer for your energy status. If you have plentiful energy to spare, thyroid function is normal. If your body perceives low energy availability, thyroid function may down-regulate. Since the thyroid plays a big role in regulation of LDL receptor activity, its downregulation can lower LDL receptor sites. Fewer LDL-receptors clear LDL particles from the blood. Folks with genetic predispositions to heart disease often have low LDL receptor activity, causing elevated LDL particles. Folks with genetic variants that increase the activity and expression of LDL receptors have lower heart disease rates. Although genes often have different effects that may affect disease risk via other pathways, that’s pretty strong evidence that LDL receptor activity regulates, at least in part, one’s LDL-P and heart disease risk.

Read this post for maintaining thyroid function on keto, and check out Elle Russ’ Paleo Thyroid Solution for an even deeper, more thorough dive into thyroid health.

Eating Too Damn Much

Some keto people pride themselves on gorging. Some are doing it for a good cause—a quest to find the fabled metabolic advantage. Some are doing it to show off and for keto cred—look how much salami I can eat! Some are using keto to deal with unresolved issues with food itself.

Everything I say about doing keto presupposes that you are eating like a normal person. You’re eating as much as you need to fuel your brain and daily activities, fitness and performance goals. You’re leaving the table satiated, not stuffed. For most people, this happens without even trying. It’s why keto is so effective for weight loss.

Genetic Variance

Genes aren’t destiny, but they do modify and regulate our response to a given environmental input.

Some people are dietary cholesterol hyper responders. Unlike the majority of the population, they absorb tons of dietary cholesterol and do not down-regulate their endogenous production to accommodate. The result is an increase in cholesterol synthesis and absorption, leading to a spike in blood cholesterol.

Some people are sensitive to saturated fat. In response to it, they produce elevated numbers of LDL particles. If your keto diet is high in saturated fat and you have a genetic sensitivity to it, your cholesterol will probably skyrocket.

Some people have genes that reduce the activity of their LDL receptors. This will necessarily boost LDL particle numbers.

This topic—genetic variance and how it affects keto—could be an entirely separate post, so I’ll leave it at that (and probably come back to it in the future).

Too Much Butter

Huh? Too much butter, Sisson? Is such a thing even possible?

Maybe. Subjecting cream to the butter-making process strips it of something called milk fat globule membrane (MFGM). And when you compare equal amounts of dairy fat through either cream (with MFGM intact) or butter oil (with MFGM absent), you get very different metabolic effects. Those who ate 40 grams of dairy fat through butter oil saw their lipids worsen, including ApoB, a surrogate for LDL particle number. Those who ate 40 grams of dairy fat through cream saw their lipids unchanged, and in the case of ApoB even improve.  That’s 4 tablespoons of butter compared to 4 ounces, or a half cup, of heavy cream.

Caveats apply here. The subjects weren’t eating a low-carb or ketogenic diet; they just added the butter or cream on top of their normal diet. But in keto people who are genetically susceptible, huge amounts of butter may be responsible for rising LDL-P.

I still love butter. It doesn’t affect my lipids like that. But your mileage may vary, and it’s something to think about if you’re in that situation.

For what it’s worth, whole food dairy like full-fat yogurt, kefir, and cheese do not have the same effect on lipids as butter. They also happen to be keto-friendly and more nutrient-dense.

So, What Can You Do If You See An Increase in LDL? Start Chugging Soybean Oil

Kidding… It’s true that swapping out some of your animal fats for polyunsaturated seed oils will almost certainly lower your cholesterol levels. It does this by increasing LDL receptor activity, but, being far more unstable than other fats, omega-6 PUFAs also increase the tendency of the LDL particles to oxidize. And since oxidized LDL are the ones that end up wedging in the arterial walls and causing issues, loading up on PUFAs might not be the right path.

You know what just occurred to me? This is an aside, but maybe linoleic acid (the primary fatty acid in seed oils) up-regulates LDL-R activity because the body recognizes the inherent instability of linoleic acid-enriched LDL particles and wants to clear them out before they can cause trouble. I hope some researchers take this idea further.

Stop Being a Keto Caricature.

Half a package of cream cheese for a snack.

Dipping an entire stick of pepperoni into homemade alfredo sauce and calling it dinner.

I’m not saying cream cheese is bad. It’s great. Nor am I suggesting you never eat pepperoni, dipped in alfredo sauce or not. But the amounts are unreasonable. And turning those into regular meals is a bad idea. There’s no reason you can’t go keto while eating a hamburger patty or ribeye over a Big Ass Salad. Far more nutrients, far more micronutrients, and it tastes way better.

Eat Less

Maybe if you’re a nomadic horselord sweeping across Europe in the early Bronze Age, you need to eat an entire lamb intestine stuffed with marrow and organs, and you should wash it down with a quart of creamy mare milk. Such a meal would provide the calories you need to see your enemies driven before you and go great with the lamentations of their women. But you’re not a Yamnaya nomad. You’re you.

You probably don’t need that much food, that many calories, and that much fat—since there’s plenty of it on your body already, waiting to be liberated and converted into energy.  Therein lies the beauty of keto. That’s what this is all about: Getting better at burning your own body fat.

Balance Your Fats

The overzealous and protracted drive to demonize all sources of saturated fat as evil has led to a vociferous backlash from the other direction. But just because the supposed experts got the saturated fat issue wrong doesn’t mean the opposite is true: That all the fat we eat should be as saturated as possible.

For one thing, eating nothing but saturated fat is very hard to do using whole foods. Very few animals exist in the world, past or present, with only saturated fat. The only exception I can recall is the coconut, a curious sort of beast that spends most of its time hanging from a tree impersonating a large hairy drupe. Your average slab of beef fat runs about 50% saturated fat, 45% monounsaturated fat, and 5% PUFA. That differs from cut to cut and depending on the diet of the animal, but not by much. It’s similar for other ruminants like bison and lamb. And the most prominent saturated fatty acid in ruminant fat is stearic acid, a fat that converts to monounsaturated oleic acid in the body and has an effect on cholesterol indistinguishable from MUFA or PUFA.

Or take the fatty acid composition of game meat—the type humans encountered and consumed for our entire history.

African kudu (antelope family): 35% SFA, 24% MUFA, 39% PUFA

African impala (antelope family): 51% SFA, 15% MUFA, 33% PUFA

Elk: roughly 40% SFA, 30% MUFA, 30% PUFA

Moose: roughly 33% SFA, 33% MUFA, 33% PUFA

I could go on, but you get the idea: Humans have been consuming a wide range of fatty acids for millennia. It probably makes sense to emulate that intake.

Once again, the folks whose cholesterol goes nuts on keto are outnumbered by those whose cholesterol improves. But if you’re one of the unlucky ones in the former category, try broadening your fatty acid intake (to, ahem, possibly include more nuts):

Focus on monounsaturated fats and fat from meat, rather than isolated sources of saturated fat like butter and coconut oil. You probably don’t have to eliminate those fats. Just don’t make them the centerpiece of your diet.

Eat more avocados, avocado oil, olives, olive oil, and mac nuts for monounsaturated fat. Salads are a great nutrient-dense way to incorporate high-MUFA foods.

Eat more fish. A couple portions of farmed Atlantic salmon were enough to improve LDL-P in overweight men and women. And compared to plain keto, keto + omega-3s from fish has a superior effect on inflammation and metabolic health.

Eat more kudu and impala (if you can get it). Sort of kidding. But really, eat them if you can.

They even have a version of keto called the Spanish ketogenic diet, which features a lot of extra virgin olive oil, olives, fish, and red wine. It works great and might be a good alternative for people whose cholesterol goes wild on saturated fat-heavy keto.

Are Traditional Lipid Markers Even Relevant for Keto Dieters?

Maybe, maybe not.

But be honest about it. You can’t oscillate between championing positive changes to blood lipids on a keto diet and pooh-poohing negative changes to blood lipids on a keto diet.

You can’t use positive changes to prove the efficacy and safety of the ketogenic diet, then turn around and claim that negative changes don’t count because keto dieters are understudied. What if those “positive” changes are actually negative in the context of a ketogenic metabolism? After all, keto dieters are largely understudied in both directions. If what’s unhealthy in a normal dieter might be healthy in a keto dieter, what’s healthy in a normal dieter may be unhealthy in a keto dieter.

I write these things as a strong proponent of spending a significant time in ketosis. As someone who frequently hangs out in a ketogenic state. As someone who wrote a book about keto and is writing another. But also as someone who insists on maintaining strict intellectual honesty and integrity.

We simply don’t know what very high cholesterol numbers mean in the subset of ketogenic dieters who experience them. I strongly suggest not being too flippant about them. 

True: There aren’t any perfect studies examining the utility of conventional cardiovascular risk factors in people eating the type of keto diets you see in the ancestral health space. Maybe your elevated LDL particle number doesn’t mean what it means in the average overweight adult eating the Standard American Diet. Maybe your inflammation is low enough that the risk of atherosclerosis and oxidative modification of LDL is low. But I wouldn’t take that risk, not until we have more data.

What do you think, folks? How did keto affect your blood lipids? Did you make any changes, and if so, did they work? Thanks for stopping in today.

Note: This information isn’t intended as and shouldn’t be considered medical advice. Always consult your doctor in the management or treatment of any health issue.

References:

Hussain TA, Mathew TC, Dashti AA, Asfar S, Al-zaid N, Dashti HM. Effect of low-calorie versus low-carbohydrate ketogenic diet in type 2 diabetes. Nutrition. 2012;28(10):1016-21.

Phinney SD, Tang AB, Waggoner CR, Tezanos-pinto RG, Davis PA. The transient hypercholesterolemia of major weight loss. Am J Clin Nutr. 1991;53(6):1404-10.

Phinney SD, Bistrian BR, Wolfe RR, Blackburn GL. The human metabolic response to chronic ketosis without caloric restriction: physical and biochemical adaptation. Metab Clin Exp. 1983;32(8):757-68.

Kleinveld HA, Naber AH, Stalenhoef AF, Demacker PN. Oxidation resistance, oxidation rate, and extent of oxidation of human low-density lipoprotein depend on the ratio of oleic acid content to linoleic acid content: studies in vitamin E deficient subjects. Free Radic Biol Med. 1993;15(3):273-80.

Rosqvist F, Smedman A, Lindmark-månsson H, et al. Potential role of milk fat globule membrane in modulating plasma lipoproteins, gene expression, and cholesterol metabolism in humans: a randomized study. Am J Clin Nutr. 2015;102(1):20-30.

Raatz SK, Johnson LK, Rosenberger TA, Picklo MJ. Twice weekly intake of farmed Atlantic salmon (Salmo salar) positively influences lipoprotein concentration and particle size in overweight men and women. Nutr Res. 2016;36(9):899-906.

De luis D, Domingo JC, Izaola O, Casanueva FF, Bellido D, Sajoux I. Effect of DHA supplementation in a very low-calorie ketogenic diet in the treatment of obesity: a randomized clinical trial. Endocrine. 2016;54(1):111-122.

Pérez-guisado J, Muñoz-serrano A. A pilot study of the Spanish Ketogenic Mediterranean Diet: an effective therapy for the metabolic syndrome. J Med Food. 2011;14(7-8):681-7.

The post Is Keto Bad For Cholesterol? appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

[jesseneufeld]

Is Keto Bad For Cholesterol?

We’ve all heard the story. Maybe we’ve even been the protagonist.

Person goes full keto. They lose a bunch of weight, normalize their pre-diabetic glucose numbers, resolve their high blood pressure readings, have more energy, feel great, and have nothing but high praise for the new way of eating.

Except for one thing, everything seems perfect: their cholesterol is sky-high. It throws a wrench into the whole operation, installs a raincloud over the procession, spoils their confidence.

“Could I be killing myself?”

“Are my health improvements just a mirage?”

In other words, are the apparent benefits of keto merely superficial if your cholesterol skyrockets?

The evidence is pretty clear that for the majority of adults who go keto, their cholesterol numbers improve.

In obese adults with type 2 diabetes, a ketogenic diet improved blood lipids and boosted fat loss compared to a low-calorie diet.

In lean, healthy adults without any weight to lose (and who didn’t lose any weight during the course of the diet), total cholesterol went up from 159 to 208 mg/dL and triglycerides fell from 107 to 79 mg/dL. A lipophobic doc might freak out at the rise in TC, but given that the triglycerides dropped, I bet the change reflects a rise in HDL and an overall positive, at worst-neutral effect.

Another study of lean adults with normal cholesterol numbers found that going keto improved their lipids, reducing triglycerides, increasing HDL, and leaving LDL unchanged. Those with small pattern B LDL particles (the “bad kind”) saw their LDL particle size increase, on average. All told, keto was beneficial.

But you aren’t everyone. You aren’t the average of a population. And, given the number of readers I have and the number of people trying a ketogenic diet, there are bound to be some people whose lipid profiles go in the other direction.

I don’t give medical advice here, and I always encourage people to partner with the physicians for health solutions. That said, let me share some thoughts on the keto-cholesterol question….

I’m not just talking about high total cholesterol or high LDL-C. I’m talking about what appears to be the real, legit risk factor for a cardiac event: elevated LDL particle number. According to experts like Dr. Peter Attia and Dr. Chris Masterjohn, atherosclerosis occurs when LDL particles infiltrate the endothelial lining of our arteries. Thus, it’s not high LDL cholesterol that increases the risk of atherosclerosis—LDL-C is the cholesterol found inside the particles— it’s a high number of LDL particles in circulation. The more LDL-P, the greater the chance of them becoming oxidized and infiltrating the arterial wall. There are many factors to consider, like oxidative stress, inflammation, and fatty acid composition of the LDL particles, but all else being equal, a greater number of LDL particles seems to increase the risk of a heart attack.

What Could Be Causing LDL Elevations On Keto?

Weight Loss

I asked Dr. Cate Shanahan for her input on this topic, and she provided a beautiful explanation:

But when you stop eating so many carbs insulin politely steps aside, and your insulin levels plummet. Now your body fat can more easily and more often release its stores of fatty acids into your bloodstream.

When your body fat releases stored fatty acids, any unused fatty acids quickly get picked up by the liver and packed into VLDL lipoprotein. VLDL is a precursor to LDL. So in reducing your insulin levels and increasing your body’s use of fat, you will raise your VLDL, LDL and total cholesterol. You are simply trafficking in fat more often now. And now, because your body stabilizes fat carrying lipoproteins with cholesterol, there is a need for more cholesterol in your blood. These are not bad consequences. They are in fact happy signs your diet is doing what its supposed to be doing.

If you’re actively losing weight, you will probably experience a rise in cholesterol. This is the transient hypercholesterolemia of major weight loss, and it’s a well-known phenomenon. Once your weight stabilizes, cholesterol should normalize—although to a lesser extent than other diets, given Dr. Cate Shanahan’s explanation of increased “trafficking in fat.”

Low Thyroid Function

The thyroid is a barometer for your energy status. If you have plentiful energy to spare, thyroid function is normal. If your body perceives low energy availability, thyroid function may down-regulate. Since the thyroid plays a big role in regulation of LDL receptor activity, its downregulation can lower LDL receptor sites. Fewer LDL-receptors clear LDL particles from the blood. Folks with genetic predispositions to heart disease often have low LDL receptor activity, causing elevated LDL particles. Folks with genetic variants that increase the activity and expression of LDL receptors have lower heart disease rates. Although genes often have different effects that may affect disease risk via other pathways, that’s pretty strong evidence that LDL receptor activity regulates, at least in part, one’s LDL-P and heart disease risk.

Read this post for maintaining thyroid function on keto, and check out Elle Russ’ Paleo Thyroid Solution for an even deeper, more thorough dive into thyroid health.

Eating Too Damn Much

Some keto people pride themselves on gorging. Some are doing it for a good cause—a quest to find the fabled metabolic advantage. Some are doing it to show off and for keto cred—look how much salami I can eat! Some are using keto to deal with unresolved issues with food itself.

Everything I say about doing keto presupposes that you are eating like a normal person. You’re eating as much as you need to fuel your brain and daily activities, fitness and performance goals. You’re leaving the table satiated, not stuffed. For most people, this happens without even trying. It’s why keto is so effective for weight loss.

Genetic Variance

Genes aren’t destiny, but they do modify and regulate our response to a given environmental input.

Some people are dietary cholesterol hyper responders. Unlike the majority of the population, they absorb tons of dietary cholesterol and do not down-regulate their endogenous production to accommodate. The result is an increase in cholesterol synthesis and absorption, leading to a spike in blood cholesterol.

Some people are sensitive to saturated fat. In response to it, they produce elevated numbers of LDL particles. If your keto diet is high in saturated fat and you have a genetic sensitivity to it, your cholesterol will probably skyrocket.

Some people have genes that reduce the activity of their LDL receptors. This will necessarily boost LDL particle numbers.

This topic—genetic variance and how it affects keto—could be an entirely separate post, so I’ll leave it at that (and probably come back to it in the future).

Too Much Butter

Huh? Too much butter, Sisson? Is such a thing even possible?

Maybe. Subjecting cream to the butter-making process strips it of something called milk fat globule membrane (MFGM). And when you compare equal amounts of dairy fat through either cream (with MFGM intact) or butter oil (with MFGM absent), you get very different metabolic effects. Those who ate 40 grams of dairy fat through butter oil saw their lipids worsen, including ApoB, a surrogate for LDL particle number. Those who ate 40 grams of dairy fat through cream saw their lipids unchanged, and in the case of ApoB even improve.  That’s 4 tablespoons of butter compared to 4 ounces, or a half cup, of heavy cream.

Caveats apply here. The subjects weren’t eating a low-carb or ketogenic diet; they just added the butter or cream on top of their normal diet. But in keto people who are genetically susceptible, huge amounts of butter may be responsible for rising LDL-P.

I still love butter. It doesn’t affect my lipids like that. But your mileage may vary, and it’s something to think about if you’re in that situation.

For what it’s worth, whole food dairy like full-fat yogurt, kefir, and cheese do not have the same effect on lipids as butter. They also happen to be keto-friendly and more nutrient-dense.

So, What Can You Do If You See An Increase in LDL?

Start Chugging Soybean Oil

Kidding… It’s true that swapping out some of your animal fats for polyunsaturated seed oils will almost certainly lower your cholesterol levels. It does this by increasing LDL receptor activity, but, being far more unstable than other fats, omega-6 PUFAs also increase the tendency of the LDL particles to oxidize. And since oxidized LDL are the ones that end up wedging in the arterial walls and causing issues, loading up on PUFAs might not be the right path.

You know what just occurred to me? This is an aside, but maybe linoleic acid (the primary fatty acid in seed oils) up-regulates LDL-R activity because the body recognizes the inherent instability of linoleic acid-enriched LDL particles and wants to clear them out before they can cause trouble. I hope some researchers take this idea further.

Stop Being a Keto Caricature.

Half a package of cream cheese for a snack.

Dipping an entire stick of pepperoni into homemade alfredo sauce and calling it dinner.

I’m not saying cream cheese is bad. It’s great. Nor am I suggesting you never eat pepperoni, dipped in alfredo sauce or not. But the amounts are unreasonable. And turning those into regular meals is a bad idea. There’s no reason you can’t go keto while eating a hamburger patty or ribeye over a Big Ass Salad. Far more nutrients, far more micronutrients, and it tastes way better.

Eat Less

Maybe if you’re a nomadic horselord sweeping across Europe in the early Bronze Age, you need to eat an entire lamb intestine stuffed with marrow and organs, and you should wash it down with a quart of creamy mare milk. Such a meal would provide the calories you need to see your enemies driven before you and go great with the lamentations of their women. But you’re not a Yamnaya nomad. You’re you.

You probably don’t need that much food, that many calories, and that much fat—since there’s plenty of it on your body already, waiting to be liberated and converted into energy.  Therein lies the beauty of keto. That’s what this is all about: Getting better at burning your own body fat.

Balance Your Fats

The overzealous and protracted drive to demonize all sources of saturated fat as evil has led to a vociferous backlash from the other direction. But just because the supposed experts got the saturated fat issue wrong doesn’t mean the opposite is true: That all the fat we eat should be as saturated as possible.

For one thing, eating nothing but saturated fat is very hard to do using whole foods. Very few animals exist in the world, past or present, with only saturated fat. The only exception I can recall is the coconut, a curious sort of beast that spends most of its time hanging from a tree impersonating a large hairy drupe. Your average slab of beef fat runs about 50% saturated fat, 45% monounsaturated fat, and 5% PUFA. That differs from cut to cut and depending on the diet of the animal, but not by much. It’s similar for other ruminants like bison and lamb. And the most prominent saturated fatty acid in ruminant fat is stearic acid, a fat that converts to monounsaturated oleic acid in the body and has an effect on cholesterol indistinguishable from MUFA or PUFA.

Or take the fatty acid composition of game meat—the type humans encountered and consumed for our entire history.

African kudu (antelope family): 35% SFA, 24% MUFA, 39% PUFA

African impala (antelope family): 51% SFA, 15% MUFA, 33% PUFA

Elk: roughly 40% SFA, 30% MUFA, 30% PUFA

Moose: roughly 33% SFA, 33% MUFA, 33% PUFA

I could go on, but you get the idea: Humans have been consuming a wide range of fatty acids for millennia. It probably makes sense to emulate that intake.

Once again, the folks whose cholesterol goes nuts on keto are outnumbered by those whose cholesterol improves. But if you’re one of the unlucky ones in the former category, try broadening your fatty acid intake (to, ahem, possibly include more nuts):

Focus on monounsaturated fats and fat from meat, rather than isolated sources of saturated fat like butter and coconut oil. You probably don’t have to eliminate those fats. Just don’t make them the centerpiece of your diet.

Eat more avocados, avocado oil, olives, olive oil, and mac nuts for monounsaturated fat. Salads are a great nutrient-dense way to incorporate high-MUFA foods.

Eat more fish. A couple portions of farmed Atlantic salmon were enough to improve LDL-P in overweight men and women. And compared to plain keto, keto + omega-3s from fish has a superior effect on inflammation and metabolic health.

Eat more kudu and impala (if you can get it). Sort of kidding. But really, eat them if you can.

They even have a version of keto called the Spanish ketogenic diet, which features a lot of extra virgin olive oil, olives, fish, and red wine. It works great and might be a good alternative for people whose cholesterol goes wild on saturated fat-heavy keto.

Are Traditional Lipid Markers Even Relevant for Keto Dieters?

Maybe, maybe not.

But be honest about it. You can’t oscillate between championing positive changes to blood lipids on a keto diet and pooh-poohing negative changes to blood lipids on a keto diet.

You can’t use positive changes to prove the efficacy and safety of the ketogenic diet, then turn around and claim that negative changes don’t count because keto dieters are understudied. What if those “positive” changes are actually negative in the context of a ketogenic metabolism? After all, keto dieters are largely understudied in both directions. If what’s unhealthy in a normal dieter might be healthy in a keto dieter, what’s healthy in a normal dieter may be unhealthy in a keto dieter.

I write these things as a strong proponent of spending a significant time in ketosis. As someone who frequently hangs out in a ketogenic state. As someone who wrote a book about keto and is writing another. But also as someone who insists on maintaining strict intellectual honesty and integrity.

We simply don’t know what very high cholesterol numbers mean in the subset of ketogenic dieters who experience them. I strongly suggest not being too flippant about them. 

True: There aren’t any perfect studies examining the utility of conventional cardiovascular risk factors in people eating the type of keto diets you see in the ancestral health space. Maybe your elevated LDL particle number doesn’t mean what it means in the average overweight adult eating the Standard American Diet. Maybe your inflammation is low enough that the risk of atherosclerosis and oxidative modification of LDL is low. But I wouldn’t take that risk, not until we have more data.

What do you think, folks? How did keto affect your blood lipids? Did you make any changes, and if so, did they work? Thanks for stopping in today.

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Note: This information isn’t intended as and shouldn’t be considered medical advice. Always consult your doctor in the management or treatment of any health issue.

References:

Hussain TA, Mathew TC, Dashti AA, Asfar S, Al-zaid N, Dashti HM. Effect of low-calorie versus low-carbohydrate ketogenic diet in type 2 diabetes. Nutrition. 2012;28(10):1016-21.

Phinney SD, Tang AB, Waggoner CR, Tezanos-pinto RG, Davis PA. The transient hypercholesterolemia of major weight loss. Am J Clin Nutr. 1991;53(6):1404-10.

Phinney SD, Bistrian BR, Wolfe RR, Blackburn GL. The human metabolic response to chronic ketosis without caloric restriction: physical and biochemical adaptation. Metab Clin Exp. 1983;32(8):757-68.

Kleinveld HA, Naber AH, Stalenhoef AF, Demacker PN. Oxidation resistance, oxidation rate, and extent of oxidation of human low-density lipoprotein depend on the ratio of oleic acid content to linoleic acid content: studies in vitamin E deficient subjects. Free Radic Biol Med. 1993;15(3):273-80.

Rosqvist F, Smedman A, Lindmark-månsson H, et al. Potential role of milk fat globule membrane in modulating plasma lipoproteins, gene expression, and cholesterol metabolism in humans: a randomized study. Am J Clin Nutr. 2015;102(1):20-30.

Raatz SK, Johnson LK, Rosenberger TA, Picklo MJ. Twice weekly intake of farmed Atlantic salmon (Salmo salar) positively influences lipoprotein concentration and particle size in overweight men and women. Nutr Res. 2016;36(9):899-906.

De luis D, Domingo JC, Izaola O, Casanueva FF, Bellido D, Sajoux I. Effect of DHA supplementation in a very low-calorie ketogenic diet in the treatment of obesity: a randomized clinical trial. Endocrine. 2016;54(1):111-122.

Pérez-guisado J, Muñoz-serrano A. A pilot study of the Spanish Ketogenic Mediterranean Diet: an effective therapy for the metabolic syndrome. J Med Food. 2011;14(7-8):681-7.

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[super-casuallyherbouquet-blog]

Hydroxycut Gummies Evaluation.

The origin from the 16% amount is the Diabetes mellitus Avoidance System Research Team. You can easily split up that allotment so that you could eat whatever you desire to if you have an established fat allocation for your high-calorie time. And also you do not must log every meals product every day; you can put together your structured eating program just before you start. If you incorporate protection training to Atkins, you could be building up muscle while dropping physical body excess fat, which is actually wonderful-- but this could possibly equate in to a slower effective weight loss baseding on the range, also as your garments begin to fit far better and also you start to reshape your body system. Extreme fat loss methods are actually not the first series from support against obesity; they are a last option for the morbidly overweight. http://toutpourleshommes.info/testx-core-avis-est-il-vraiment-construire-des-muscles-rapidement-et-il-vaut-la-peine-de-largent/ is a multi-layer membership and supplement plan that supports the weight reduction attempts of each women as well as guys. The absence of a weight-loss benefit has shown in several professional researches. The ordinary person on a western diet consumes well over 100 grams, therefore typical Americans are actually currently taking in method way too much. The majority of women will certainly attain normal glucose (blood glucose level) levels with diet plan alteration. However my problem along with the fat burning craze doesn't involve physical health and wellness. I could possibly lose some pounds, I'm getting out of bed there on the it ain't like I am actually a lazy person, I am in ballet, softball, basketball, and soccer as well as this is actually all week I wish to know is why do our parents care a lot, merely see how many pills we perform take, merely allow our company have, so the parents may have all these diferent type of diet pills but when one happens for 12-16 years of age, it is actually a desire to look suitable for the summer needs to just permit our company attempt them out and also se exactly how the job. Research subjects gave back every 2 full weeks for diet guidance as well as drug adjustment (based on twice daily blood sugar readings as well as episodes of hypoglycemia). Much coming from only fat burning, the program is likewise targeted at purifying and also purifying your body, leaving you feeling vitalized as well as stimulated and also prepared to start a brand new, healthier way of life. After doing Yogalosophy, observing the Alkaline Diet plan, having sun chlorella supplements, incorporating algae to her diet regimen and going wheat cost-free, our team need to question just what else Beckham can attempt. While weight management must be actually the target if your BMI starts to meet undesirable levels, also having actions to keep your body weight completes a good deal, since it prevents your body from acquiring used to that much higher collection factor" weight that could quickly become its metabolic standard, Roseberry incorporated.

It includes pair of rates, a completely removable divider as well as changes to warm up when the food items prepares. The marvelous majority of europeans and also people all over the world already practice such a diet regimen without notification. Juicing ought to work as a supplement to the diet plan, not the entire diet plan or one of the most dominate component from a diet regimen. This's suggested that our team consume around 2-3 litres from water a day with food items and cocktail sources. Feel free to keep in mind that the fat trusts the Equilibrium food programs (1200 as well as 1600) are based on weekly standards. Instead, I live the lifestyle of a WLS client who has a hard time to reduce weight as well as believes fatigued from having vitamins yet got little in profit. I always remember when I first started WW, that I saw food as a PPV, and also certainly not just what it was. Net carbohydrates from 30g is a little bit higher than I carry out, however all in all that is actually possibly the most effective pictorial explanation of a ketogenic diet I have observed. U.S. Headlines reviewed and also placed 38 diet plans with input from a door from health professionals. I feel horrendous 1 day on this higher fatty tissue diet regimen - regarding 1/4 stick kerrygold butter, coconut oil, some berries, natural yogurt, kale, whey protein so far prob regarding THOUSAND fats - im 155 lb man late 20's coming from explore CR. I am actually starving and fatigued today and uncertain what to consume upcoming i received ton of environment-friendly veggies im about to cook up now:/ looks like im gon na have to cave in as well as obtain some pork eventually. Each of the following expressions has this's own websites (having a paragraph or more informing our company to consume much less as well as work out more); Swift Weight Loss, Lose Weight, Lose Weight Prompt, Drop weight Forever, Shed Body fat, Shed Pounds, Obtain Lean, Obtain Leaner, Melt Body fat Prompt ... I think you realize. Nutrisystem and also Jenny Craig are two of the absolute most prominent diet plans around, and at first glance they sound very comparable: Both supply pre-made, pre-calorie-counted, pre-everything dishes to your door. When seeking to maintain the weight off, it is actually incredibly essential to create an entire way of living improvement. The scientists had not expected this and possessed no concept where the weight originated from. I utilized to possess a eating ailment several years ago but even though I failed to this would still annoy me given that that concentrates only on slimming down and also she consistently claims not to consume or even stress at exactly what's on the scale but with a problem such as this exactly how are you not meant to consume over your weight/thescale vs health and wellness as a whole which is just what must be actually paid attention to. I still like her blogging site and videos because she has actually helped make a large difference in my life as well as I am thus glad for that. Lots of people who have recovered some body weight think they may only go back to the strict LC diet that operated therefore effectively prior to and lose swiftly once more, however they find the diet doesn't operate therefore effectively the 2nd time. Regardless of the very best motives, that is actually effortless to undervalue your daily food and cocktail consumption. Diethood - it somewhat proposes that you are heading to locate a variety of dishes ideal to ensuring effective weight loss. At presents I locate nothing at all better compared to kepting in to an enormous dish of real healthy and balanced meals.

[jess-oh]

Reflection Part 2

I think I just need to really come before the Lord and confess my sins and accept myself as I am. Because I really do feel so much shame and guilt for the things that I struggle with and I am so afraid to be vulnerable and open about it. I just had such a difficult battle on whether or not I should go to Andrew’s party and start down this road and no one will ever know. Because I was too afraid to seek advice from anyone else. I do want to pray more. I do want to just learn and be with the Lord. And maybe that means I shouldn’t be serving. And I am new to evangelizing but I know that I’m making progress and I do have a heart for His people. I know that God put me through so much hardship throughout my life and it’s for a reason. It’s so that I can build disciples because I understand. I know what it feels like to be an outsider. I know what it feels like to never feel good enough. I know what it feels like to struggle with alcohol. I know what it feels like to struggle against peer pressure. I know what it feels like to be abandoned. I know what it feels like to be a burden. But I’m here. And God has already used me in such amazing ways in keeping a clear head and providing my friends with advice and having a genuine heart that cares for them—regardless if we just met. I did it. And it was beneficial to everyone. And I miss that. And I do pray that God will use me like that again. I know that I’m struggling a lot right now and it feels like an uphill battle. But I just want to forget about servantship for a second. While it is something that I want to do, I don’t think I’m ready. Because I would become obsessed with leading and making sure their image of me doesn’t falter. And in that, I wouldn’t be able to be open about the things that I’ve been fighting against. I have some seriously self destructive habits and it’s because I don’t like who I am. And I try really hard to become someone thats worthy of being loved and accepted. But I’m already there. I am already someone that’s deserving of that because God gives it to me. I’m so afraid to talk about these things with even Andrew N. because I’m afraid that I’m relying too much on him and I’m just being a burden. I got really excited after we had that moment my last night in California and I just felt like such a bother. And I know I’m not bothering him and he’s my friend and wants to be there for me. So why am I still so cared? To reach out? To ask for help? To allow people the opportunity to help me? I’m honestly dying on my own and it is so unbelievably hard to bear the weight of my own sin and shame. And I need God to take over because I really can’t do it without Him. 

Before I came back to Chicago, I had a vision. A vision where I was like Christ. People were whipping me but I continued to carry the cross on my campus. I kept walking. I kept moving forward. And ultimately, I too, died on the cross. But I wasn’t mad or sad. Yes, I was in so much pain. But I did it because I believed in God and who He is. And because of that, I felt a sense of peace. Knowing that I was finally coming home. And that’s the kind of person that I want to become and be. Yes, I might lose Sara and Andrew S. and maybe Andrew N. and Sofia and David too. And I pray that I don’t but I might. There’s a very good possibility. But I don’t want that to be the thing that’s keeping me from dedicating my life to Christ. I want to reach out to Him and just really live everyday, more and more Christlike. Of course I don’t want to lose them because they’ve helped me through some seriously tough times. But if it’s not meant for us to be friends, then I guess that’s that. I would rather die trying to live for Christ than to continue pretending that everything is okay when it really isn’t. 

It’s so easy for me to just make the effort and go to sleep at a decent hour and maintain a healthy diet and exercise and still do my best. But I don’t. Because I hate myself. I’m so overwhelmed by so much guilt and shame that I just keep digging my own grave, deeper and deeper. And a part of me always hopes that I will die. And I won’t be in such misery anymore. I’m always lowkey suicidal. I tried to deny my depression for so long but I am depressed. I get hit by it out of the blue sometimes and it sucks and I’m just so tired of feeling so bad about myself or not finding any joy or pleasure or pain in anything. It makes me feel like I’m not really alive. Like I’m already dead but still stuck on this Earth. And it really really sucks and I do want to get better and learn to just take that leap and trust God with all that I am and allow Him to take over. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr8gHQz2FTQ&index=10&list=RDU05QRXuhF7g

But what happened today?

I woke up pretty groggily this morning, planning to workout with Mulan. I slept in a few extra minutes and that helped cure my weariness. Then, we just hit the treadmills for a bit. She did a fast walk for about an hour while I jogged/ran for half an hour. And it was hard. But it was so worth it in the end. And I felt so good about myself for getting there. I know I can push myself to do better, to do more. And I’m excited to see how much more I can physically push myself and continue to build strength and get into shape. 

sigh. my thoughts keep wandering and it’s really becoming a lot clearer how much i refuse help from others. i just imagined a scenario with andrew n. where i snap and tell him how everytime i look at a mirror, i feel disgust. and it’s something that i know i need to work on—body positivity woohoo. But i’m not there yet and this fact is just highlighted whenever I’m standing next to particularly small people. And I don’t want to hear any encouragement or compliments or anything but it won’t change anything. it won’t change the fact that this is how i feel and grew up feeling so im just trying to work towards a body that i actually do like by working out. i spent my whole life thinking i was obsese bc my mom and sister were so skinny and my dad joined in on the criticism. i never felt great about my body and i tried fasting and i tried running but my weight almost never fluctuated and i didnt know what else to do so i gave up and turned to binge eating but that just made it worse and now i’m here and i’m trying again. And we’ll see if I get better or fall even deeper than I did before.

But anyway, after that, I relaxed by watching a few clips from “Friends.” 

I should spend more time learning and taking in new information instead of always being so desperate to share my own input and experience. i need to just chill out and take things as they come. 

But yeah, I watched “Friends.” Then I walked to 618 S. Michigan for my appointment with Jo-Nell. I got there around 11:07 and we started about half an hour later. I was actually afraid 

I’m not okay. I thought I was. I really did. But I wasn’t. And I haven’t been. I’ve been lying to myself this whole time, believing that I was getting better and my self esteem had risen but it hasn’t. Andrew’s question just unleashed this whole platoon of everything that’s wrong. I am in so much pain that it’s unbearable and makes me feel numb because there’s just so much hurt there. But I feel like I can’t share it with anyone either because I just feel so ashamed and so much guilt for who I am and what I’ve gone and I hate myself for it. I really really dislike who I am. And I know I shouldn’t and just accept myself as I am because God loves me like that but I can’t. I really can’t. I’m just filled with so much fear and I’ve fallen so far away and as much as I want to cry out to the Lord and let Him just be my everything and take over, I can’t. Because I am too afraid that something will go wrong and I’ll just end up getting hurt. Again. 

But yeah, I was afraid. I was afraid because I saw some other students sit closer to the offices while I sat in the main lobby and thought I was wrong and Jo-Nell would be disappointed that I was a no show again just because I sat in the wrong place. But it didn’t happen like that. Everything went fine. I finally met her and she gave me a ton of information on internships, portfolios, and resumes. I’ll be back late March/early April for a follow-up and hopefully, I’ll have fixed my portfolio and worked on a lot more since then. And hopefully it’ll be worthy of starting to look for internships. I also want to ask some more questions on what I should include on my resume since I haven’t had any internships yet and thus, not much experience. But that’s a question for another day.

After that, I watched some more episodes from “Friends” and “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” before eventually falling asleep.

Oh yeah, I also got Harold’s for lunch after my meeting with Jo-Nell.

But I woke up kinda stressed bc I was late for my study date with Sharlene but it was okay and we got to talk and read the Bible together again anyway. And it was really nice and I’m really glad that we got to spend that time together. I debated on hanging out with her again at night and just watch a movie together but I decided that we had already seen enough of each other that day. I didn’t want to overwhelm her.

But yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

I hope I can get better.

#reflection