#myfirstpostbenice full house dj tanner

[krissysnow]

My thoughts on Christmas Detour

It’s that time of year again, the time I look forward to every year…Hallmark movie time!  It only comes twice a year, once for Christmas in July and then again in October-December.  Four months to wet my appetite for over the top holiday decorations, unlikely romance and twenty versions of Pride and Prejudice but then disappears like a mirage in the dessert as soon as January hits.  Why do I love them so much?  Maybe it’s the wholesomeness in a troubled duplicitous world, the reminder of a joyous time when hope and rebirth can begin in the new year, or maybe it’s because I have the same taste in movies as an 80 year old woman surrounded by her cats sipping Darjeeling tea.  But I think what I really love is that they are so deliciously wrought with ridiculousness that breaking them apart adds to the joy and allows me to pretend I don’t enjoy them as much as I do and that I am a sane person and not some hopeless romantic.

So, on my very first post I am going to delve into one of my favorite Hallmark classics, that yes, does reside on my DVR and that is Christmas Detour.  There are many staple Hallmark actresses and becoming the grand dame of them all is Candace Cameron Bure.  She hasn’t aged since her last days as DJ Tanner and her generic approach to play every role the same invites us into each Hallmark movie because she is so familiar and we fall instantly into the new plot like putting on those Christmas pajamas we only take out once a year.  In this movie she plays Paige Summerlind, a writer for a wedding magazine. Which is at least a welcome departure from the usual careers of our Hallmark heroines as party planners and interior designers.  How she makes enough money to not only afford a place in LA but then also offers to buy a bridal magazine for a future bride perusing the magazine rack at the airport is beyond me but I’ll buy into it since weddings are a billion dollar industry.

We immediately get the sense of Paige’s high maintenance and lack of travel knowledge when she tries to bring her vision board on the plane as she books her seat.  What is a vision board? This is equivalent to the bulletin board you had in college that took up half your wall behind your desk.  However, instead of pictures of boy bands, ads for wine coolers, dated mottos and an occasional post-it of a due date from the previous semester, her vision board is filled with frilly ideas for her upcoming nuptials.  Cakes, dresses, flowers, and maybe a tiny picture of her betrothed.  Which brings us to a view of her fiancé, Jack Collins.  We first see Jack at his parents house in what may appear to be some snooty Hampton vacation home with his uppity mother Susan and her husband Neil.  Susan is more interested in her next martini than she is with her stodgy husband.  I adore the actress that plays Susan (Barbara Niven) since she is also featured in many Hallmark movies as the quirky but lovely towns woman.  This is such a departure that I love to see her snark and smirk and booze it up in this holiday flick.  But despite the boozy mom and dad that looks like he’s walking around in overly starched undergarments Jack at first glimpse seems like a devoted fiancé.  As time goes on we realize that Jack has as much personality as a salty olive floating in his mother’s afternoon martini.  That probably the sharpest thing on him is his chiseled chin.

Meanwhile, at the airport and ready to take off for parts of unnamed downstate NY we are introduced to Dylan, an airport bartender that clearly didn’t get picked up for pilot season in LA and was forced to shovel salty snacks and pour weakened drinks for weary travelers.  He’s on his way home to see his family after a hiatus.  He drags his heels like an 8 year old going to church to board the flight and we are intrigued to find out why he would not want to visit a Hallmark haven like we have come to expect.  Next up is Frank and Maxine, a 40 something couple that have been married for twenty years that have grown to have a clear distaste for each other. Hold up Hallmark, say it isn’t so, you expect us to believe a Hallmark couple has grown apart and share a life less than bliss?  Have you taken a momentary lapse into the Lifetime channel?

As luck would have it, Paige and Dylan are seated together and begin the Hallmark push pull relationship of hard to get.  We need to stick with the Hallmark formula of first encounters and wrong impressions and mixed messages ultimately resulting in whirlwind romances making the Bachelor reality show look like a long relationship.  After trading barbs Paige puts on her ear phones to no doubt dream of her picket fence life with Chiseled Chin.  Unexpectedly, a snow storm on the eastern seaboard in December (shocking) forces an emergency landing in the magical land of…Buffalo.

Now, if you’ve been to western NY, Buffalo really isn’t your Hallmark destination, and being from upstate NY myself my half frost bit ears perked up.  Incidentally, Candace’s sister-in-law is from Buffalo.  I know this because there was a flurry of rumor spreading through the mall I worked at in the 90’s that Candace, her brother Kurt and his girlfriend were walking through on their way to visit the girlfriend’s (now wife) family. Alas, they never visited the Limited store I worked at, they probably had enough stirrup leggings to last a lifetime.  But here we are, in cold Buffalo, waiting for the weather to clear up for the planes to take off again.  First of all, airports in western NY rarely close and snow doesn’t last an hour, it lasts longer than a Hallmark movie season.  

Paige frantically calls Chiseled Chin to tell her of her bad luck and ever the devoted fiancé, Chiseled mentions that perhaps she should’ve checked the radar before leaving. Perhaps the rocket scientist could’ve looked out the window at his place to maybe warn her they were up to their cummerbunds in snow?  Nevertheless, he warns her that she better make it in time because she would miss meeting his parents who were leaving for an extended cruise the day after Christmas. They were old fashioned after all and needed to lay eyes on their future daughter in law before the wedding in the spring.  That’s some lengthy cruise that they never make landfall before May to rejoin their chiseled son and his bride.  How is it that they work to maintain this lavish lifestyle?  Some Bernie Madoff pyramid scheme? Just what kind of family is our Paige marrying into?  Our heroine is crushed and begins to lose hope as the bitter married couple try to cheer her up.

Dylan rents the only SUV left in western NY (he’s so resourceful that Dylan) and offers to drive them all to their down state destination.  It’s here we begin to see a glimpse into the lives of Frank and Maxine that have been married for 20 years.  Hallmark tries to pass off this 20 year marriage as if it’s 50 years and the stuff of legends.  Considering an average courtship and engagement only lasts 3 weeks in Hallmark time I guess it is an eternity.  But for crying out loud, I have underwear older than dear Frank and Maxine’s marriage. We also find out that Frank and Maxine are on their way to visit their newly married daughter and husband for Christmas in what is going to become a new tradition.  It’s clear Maxine is not liking venturing into the snow and cold and out of her LA comfort zone and is as resentful of her travels as she is of Frank. This is where I become confused at Hallmark’s settling on their being married 20 years.  Why not 25 or 30?  I’m a stickler for numbers and timing so this is where Hallmark got sloppy. Are we to believe that Frank and Maxine lived in sin with an illegitimate child before they were married, or that their daughter was married at 19 and landed in a gorgeous Long Island million dollar home as some famed rich youtuber or marrying someone older?  Perhaps nailing her professor from Sarah Lawrence? I for one am still reeling from the shock of this reality.

As roads sometimes do in NY in winter, they iced up and became too much for the SUV as Dylan swerved to avoid hitting a rabbit Paige thought she saw and they crashed.  Not an end up in the hospital type of crash, but a we’re conveniently stranded for the night kind of fender bender. I can’t tell you the times I drove in NY blizzards and wished that damn rabbit hadn’t jumped out right in front of me.  Those NY rabbits sure love a blizzard and boy are they easy to see in snow.  Looks like we’re sidelined again from getting to Chiseled Chin and Maxine and Frank’s daughter’s youtube mansion.  But as luck would have it there is a quaint Christmas town somewhere between Buffalo and Albany!  If this town exists in upstate NY it’s as imaginary as that rabbit. Our foursome have no choice but to hunker down in a Christmas Inn and stroll the quaint imaginary rabbit town.  As they dine on stale rolls and wander the town that doesn’t seem to realize there is a blizzard going on, Dylan informs Paige he is reluctant to return home because his brother is with his once fiancé.  First an illegitimate daughter and now a sibling tryst, what is Hallmark coming to? I hope there’s a music montage soon to lead us out of this sordidness.

After having to oblige by the sacrosanct rule of kissing underneath the mistletoe in a Christmas movie, Paige is starting to have feelings for our salty snack bartender and less for Chiseled Chin.  She needs to get out of Christmas town before she encounters any more ill placed mistletoe. Dylan, disappointed, drives Frank and Maxine to their daughter’s youtube love nest she shares with her 65 year old Sarah Lawrence professor.  Maxine gifts Dylan not only with a picture of he and Paige but an address where she will be having dinner.  Once out of the car Frank takes a stand and demands Maxine either get on board with a Hallmark marriage or skirt on over to Lifetime or worse yet, TBS.  Maxine appreciating Frank’s boldness agrees and takes the luggage up to whatever hell awaits in the youtube illegitimate daughter’s love nest.

Meanwhile, Paige finally meets her boozy starchy future inlaws.  Boozy immediately insults her off the rack dress that in reality probably set the costume department back a half a Hallmark store.  Boozy and Starchy have plans for the wedding that Paige is not digging.  She clearly has her dream wedding as depicted on her vision board.  She should roll it out with the martinis and see if it flies. Where is that vision board?  Chiseled can’t understand Paige’s reluctance to go along with the Hampton wedding plan and is beginning to wonder if he picked the right woman to share his Hampton beach life.  He asks her to make sure she is prompt as she is to change into yet another cocktail dress to go to dinner at the club.  Why does she need to change out of one four thousand dollar dress for another?  Is half a Hallmark store frock not good enough?

Dylan finally makes his way to his hometown and goes to the door of his house where he is greeted by his mother.  A woman probably only three years older than the actor portraying Dylan.  Are they against employing older actresses or does Hallmark just have a really good botox plan?  Everyone always looks the same age.  Before coming to the door we are treated with a treasure trove of Hallmark products strategically placed, all getting their own close up.  If only I could have the item numbers displayed as well, my house could look like Rudolph took a crap of merriment in my house! But alas, this movie was made in 2015 so it I’ll have to be on the lookout on Ebay. Looks like casting goofed again when we are introduced to Dylan’s brother and fiancé.  Dylan’s brother is about half his height and a few inches shorter than the fiancé the brothers fought over.  And she’s no Lacey Chabert either, they could’ve found a more beguiling actress or at least put her in flats.  Dylan asks mini to join him to get things out of the car.  Dylan offered his congratulations as the brother finds the forgotten vision board.  After seeing the vision board and the not so desirable fiancé, Dylan knows what he has to do.

At the club Paige helps herself to a hot roll and notes how fresh it was unlike the stale roll Dylan had the previous night.  Ugh, how uncouth, she touched the roll.  Where is the waiter to place it on her plate with gold tongs only fit for such wonderous pastry? This Paige is trash.  Boozy offers to have her dress made by none other than famous wedding savant David Tutera. But Paige has no idea who he is. Wow, Paige is looking ditsy too.  She works in the wedding industry but knows nothing about David Tutera? I guess his show didn’t appear on Hallmark so we’ll forgive her. Maybe she blew some neurons trying to squeeze into her second cocktail dress.  Boozy warns her about picking a dress that doesn’t make her look too busty.  Paige looks down as if to see her bosom overflowing in her second cocktail dress. Now Candace is pretty fit and I’d like to have that rocking bod but busty has never been synonymous with DJ Tanner.  Oh thank goodness, here comes Dylan to make an awkward moment even worse by dragging that dumb ass vision board with him.  Paige seeing the picture of them together on the hideous vision board makes her realize it wasn’t the wedding she was after it was the happily ever after.  Seeing she couldn’t make that happen with Chiseled Chin she hands back the ring and goes after Dylan, leaving Boozy, Chiseled and Starchy to gawk at that eye sore of a vision board.  Classy.

Dylan and Paige arrive at his mother’s house.  Hopefully, Paige was able to pick up her luggage at the mansion to avoid any awkward moments.  I’m sure the help lowered their music and stopped their celebrating while Boozy was out of the house to hand Paige her Walmart luggage.  Our last scene has our couple entering the house that Christmas threw up in to meet the cougar mom, mini and his dowdy fiancé to settle in for a Hallmark tradition.  I’m glad they had those two days to really get to know each other, probably a day longer than Frank and Maxine had and they made it twenty years.

#hallmark #christmas detour #candace cameron bure #holiday #christmas #winter #buffalo #ny #snow #hallmarkmovies #when calls the heart #myfirstpostbenice full house dj tanner