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natasha-in-space · 6 months

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Hello there! This is my first time coming into your inbox and I want to say how much your writing inspire me and makes me feel so safe especially the ones with Saeran in it.

If it's not too much to ask for, can I request a comfort fic with GE Saeran? Lately I've been struggling with my abandonment issues. It's telling me that people around me will soon get tired of me and leave me behind once they saw how miserable I am in the head.

It doesn't help the fact that I've seen several people that I deemed close to me were beginning to do things without asking or including me. I feel like I'm so easy to replace and forgotten... or maybe it's because I'm the one who's been struggling with this kind of thinking.

I know Saeran wouldn't judge me for this but sometimes I couldn't help but feel like I'm asking for reassurance too many times, or get scared of being left behind out of nowhere. It can be overwhelming whenever I feel like this.

Ah, I'm so sorry for the sudden trauma dumping. It's just that I've been dealing with the issues along with physical fatigue at the moment. Makes me easy to forget myself. Feel free to delete this ask if you're not taking any request at the moment! I guess I really need to let this out of my system. Have a good day and I hope you take care <3

Don't you worry dear anon, you're fine! I've been there, more times than I'd like to admit. It's exhausting and it's stressful as hell to deal with. I'm sorry to hear that you have to struggle so much. Even if things are hard for you right now, I hope only good comes to you soon. Please, take care of yourself and treat yourself with the same kindness and love Saeran would want you to experience. Now, onto the fic! <3

"Y/N?"

Saeran knew something was bothering you for a while now, but he didn't want to push you into telling him anything when you simply weren't ready for that yet. It hurt him to see that distant look in your eyes as you tried to keep up with your daily schedule, forcing a cheery smile onto your face that didn't quite reach your eyes, and pretending that everything was fine, almost as if you were too scared of showing anyone that you weren't doing so well on the inside. He did try to gently nudge you into opening up to him at breakfast, but you were quick to shut him down and change the subject with a clumsy joke and a kiss to his cheek. He saw that wordless plea in your eyes for him not to press the issue any further. So, he didn't pry.

Yet.

That is, until he got woken up in the middle of the night by insistent tossing and turning coming from your side of the bed, your short shaky breaths soon reaching his ears, once he was awake enough to think. You were being pretty quiet, but Saeran never slept too deeply. It was practically impossible for you to sneak out of bed without him waking up to see what you were up to. This time, however, he was grateful for his ability to not sleep through much of anything. He would hate to think of you suffering right by his side without him even knowing it. He was quick to push up onto his elbows, looking over at where you laid, curled up into a small ball, the sight of which made his brows furrow in deep worry.

He anxiously whispered your name a couple of times to try and gain your attention, a sick feeling of great concern twisting at his insides with an iron grip, once you didn't reply or even turn to look at him. Despite everything, you heard him. He could see that by the tiniest hitch of your breath and the way your body has stilled it's trembling. This wasn't like you at all...

It reminded him of the way he would get whenever his fears and doubts would leave him too overwhelmed and scared to even try and ask for help. The thought of you going through the same thing, or even something remotely similar to it, made his heart bleed for you. So, he scooted himself just a tad bit closer to you, a result of his natural desire to be near you in the moment of crisis. He couldn't help it. Even if he didn't want to touch you without you saying that it was okay for him to do so, his soul longed for him to embrace you and hold you tight until all of your fears and doubts would leave you be.

"My love, what's wrong...?" He asked, carefully tilting his head down in such a way that would allow him to take a look at your face. Or, what surface of it wasn't obscured by your hair or pillows. Your eyes were open, but you were avoiding looking at him. A single tear slipped down your cheek. It took him all of his self-control not to embrace you right then and there. His heart was aching for you. But, he didn't want to overwhelm you. He would be patient. He would try. For you.

For you.

"Nothing. I'm... I'm fine." You sniffed, your voice sounding hoarse and so very sad. The uncharacteristic rasp in your voice was a sign that you had been crying for a while now, and it broke his heart to discover. Why didn't you just wake him up? He would be there for you. He wanted to be there for you. Why were you closing yourself off from him? This wasn't like you, and it worried him greatly.

He just couldn't take it anymore. Saeran's hand rested gently on your shoulder as he slowly rolled you over to face him fully, before moving his palm down to press it against your chest. You didn't resist him, which made him breathe a small sigh of relief. He could feel the hard pounding of your heart underneath his hand, almost as if you had just come back from an intense workout. Oh, how he wished that was the reason behind your racing heart. That, or maybe you are feeling too smitten by him to handle it. But... no, the reason behind your heart working so hard to pump blood through your system was that you were in distress. You were in distress, and your body was doing all it could to keep you safe. Even if it only left you feeling even more anxious and shaky in the end. He knew that feeling all too well.

"Did you have a nightmare?" He coaxed you softly, moving his hand up from your chest to caress some of the messy strands of your hair away from your forehead, his fingers lingering on your skin for just a bit longer than necessary. Touch was a crucial way for him to express his feelings towards you, and he couldn't help it. A way for you two to feel connected. A promise of safety. For him as much as you. He always wanted to feel you close in one way or another.

You bit onto your bottom lip harshly, swallowing the lump in your throat, before giving him a brief nod. Saeran's heart was breaking at the sight of you, but at least you were no longer concealing your pain from him. That was a good sign. Some part of him wanted to praise you and kiss you on the forehead, but he resisted that temptation for now. Instead, he moved himself farther up the bed, resting on the soft pillows and plushies your shared bed was adorned by, and nudged you to lay on your side close to him, now starting to comb his fingers through your hair. Without saying a word, he tilted his head down to kiss your temple, nuzzling into your hair just a little bit to let you know he was there. He felt you slowly wrapping your arms around his waist and pressing your face into his chest, burying it into his shirt, like what a frightened child would do. He rested his forehead on the top of your head, stroking your hair and back tenderly, trying to keep his breathing even as he felt your tears soak onto his shirt.

"You're alright, my flower." He whispered into your hair, feeling the tremor that vibrated down your spine as you cried into his shirt silently. He had to battle the urge to start tearing up himself. He hated seeing you cry. It's almost like he could feel the same pain you're feeling, his heart desperate to ease your woes. But, he had to be strong right now. For your sake. "I'm here. I'm right here. Whatever it was, it was just a dream. We're safe. You're safe."

You never told him what your nightmares were about whenever you ended up having them, and he'd never push you to tell him anything: he didn't want to force you into talking with him about these things, figuring that, if you wanted to tell him about it one day, you'd tell him on your own time and terms. He was content with that. As long as you let him be there for you when you were too scared to bear your burdens on your own. That was enough for him.

Saeran laid there with you in his arms for about twenty or so minutes, without even realizing that he had eventually fallen back asleep. Your shaky breaths hitting his skin in small puffs of air and your weak and tired voice hitting his ears quickly awakened him to the reality, though. He opened his eyes, looking down at you worriedly as his hand rubbed your back gently.

You were trembling, your arms tightening their hold on his torso in a way that wasn't natural to you. He didn't have any problem with it, just keeping you close and providing the least amount of support he could. It's the least he could do for you in such a difficult moment. He could handle a tight hug just fine. Especially coming from you.

Saeran hushed you, brushing your hair out of your face to take a proper look at you, only to see your expression pained and stricken with anxiety. Despite that, your eyes were closed. Were you asleep, perhaps? He didn't like to think that you were having yet another nightmare. Something must be seriously troubling you if you're having such a hard time... He only wished you weren't so afraid of telling him.

"I'm never going to let you go, my love." He breathed softly against your hairline. He was aware from his own experience that it could be a very stressful thing to forcefully wake someone from a nightmare, so he made an effort to calm you while you were still asleep asleep. You did the same for him many times, after all.

You groaned and pressed your face deeper into his chest, almost like you were trying to hide yourself away from the world around you. And while he appreciated you instinctively viewing him as your source of safety and comfort, he would be lying if he said it wasn't absolutely destroying him to see you like this. He didn't care if he was being too sentimental right now, he just hated the idea of you being this sad or hurt at all. It reminded him of the inner agony he had to fight against back when he chose to sacrifice himself to save you and Saeyoung, back in the Jihyun's house. The way that his heart would ache and bleed with every tear your eyes would shed and every shaky breath that left your lips as a consequence of his decision. He truly wished he would never see that same look on your face ever again.

But, life wasn't so generous, was it?

"I'm right here, Y/N." He told you gently, knowing you were still asleep, but wanting to let you know he was there regardless. "Oh... my angel, what are you dreaming about...?"

He frowned, holding your head close to his chest and nuzzling your hair as he muttered his inner thoughts softly to you. If only he could have a glimpse inside of your head right now. Maybe he would be the knight in shining armor he read about in fairytales, and chase all those bad thoughts of yours away with a whip of his sword. How nice would that be?

"No-!" You suddenly jolted out of his arms, making him flinch and move away, as you sat up and panted hard, your tear-filled eyes fixating on something in particular, yet also nothing at all, your entire body shuddering in complete panic. You were in a state that he had never seen you in before. And, while usually, he loved discovering new things about you... it couldn't be applied when you were actively suffering.

Sitting up next to you, Saeran wrapped his arms around your waist from behind and gently rested his chin on your shoulder. Slowly, he rocked you back and forth, squeezing his eyes shut as he felt you shake in his arms and heard you sniffle. Your nightmares had never been this bad before. Sighing, he was at a loss for what to do to comfort you. He couldn't do much when he didn't even know the source of all this pain. But, he also didn't want to push you when you were this hurt and vulnerable. He honestly felt stuck on what would be the right thing to do for you here.

"I'm- I'm sorry..." You finally whimpered, your voice raspy and borderline unrecognizable.

"It's okay." He whispered back, turning his face into your neck and pressing his lips to your jaw lightly, not minding the salty taste as his lips brushed against your damp skin. “I just want you to be alright. That's all."

After a few more minutes of quiet, broken only by the sounds of your shaky breathing and occasional sniffling, you eventually calmed down, leaning back against his chest and closing your eyes. Your fingers wriggled together anxiously as you let out a sigh. Finally, you spoke up. "I'm sorry, I'm just- I'm just... so, so afraid..."

"I know." Saeran informed you quietly, rubbing a hand up and down your tummy. Despite his desire to express more, he felt that he should allow you to handle this at your own pace for now. You obviously had a lot of things bottled up.

"I'm so afraid..." You repeated, quieter this time, your shoulders slumping in defeat. You had never spoken about your nightmares before. Saeran wanted to hang onto your every word. "I'm so... so afraid of feeling abandoned, again. It's- It's debilitating and exhausting, and- and-"

"Y/N, I will never abandon you." He cut you off as you started to choke on your own words again, his stomach twisting at just the thought of you feeling abandoned. Saeran was familiar with that terrible feeling all too well, after all. He squeezed you a little bit tighter. "Even if I die, my soul would be right here next to you. Every moment of your life. Watching over you. Guarding you. Loving you. Forever."

"I know that, Saeran." You sighed with a small chuckle slipping through your tears, probably as a response to how incredibly cheesy he sounded. He didn't find that bothersome. He had a lot of love in that heart of his. He had to express it. But, he fell silent now, waiting for you to continue as he traced invisible patterns on your abdomen with his finger. "But, I've... I've actually struggled with feeling abandoned for a while. I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I just... I know it's stupid and irrational, but I just can't help but feel like I am nothing but a nuisance to everyone. That once you all find someone better, you will... you will leave me. And, recently, some of my friends seemed to do some stuff without telling me or inviting me, and... and, I don't know. I just feel bad. And then I feel even worse for feeling bad in the first place. Does any of this even make any sense?"

Saeran pressed his forehead against your shoulder, fighting back his own tears at hearing you talk of how you were so afraid of being left behind by the people you so wholeheartedly loved. It brought back memories of his own pain, which caused him great distress. Because he knew exactly how you felt. Then again, maybe that's why Ray felt so drawn to you back when it all started.

You knew his pain, and he knew yours.

"It is not stupid. It's okay to feel afraid. I am afraid, too. So often, and of so little. But... We'll be together, Y/N." He uttered, hugging you tighter and pressing back flush against his chest. "Fate lead us to meet one another. Just like fate lead you to meet everyone in the RFA and all of your other friends and loved ones. My heart and soul are yours. They will be yours until the end of time."

Your eyes were red and puffy from all the crying, your face flushed and wet with tears as you looked at him over your shoulder. He had to resist the urge to kiss you right then and there.

“You promise...?” You whimpered quietly, making his heart melt for you all over again.

"With all of my four seasons." He reassured you by kissing your cheek.

"You are one of the kind, Y/N. A wonderful, loving soul with an experience unique to you and you alone. No one in this world could possibly replace you. And, when you feel like it all becomes too much: think of me. Think of me and the love I have for you. Even when we're far apart, even when I'm not there to hold you tight and whisper these words into your ears myself, remember our promise of happiness. Remember that I love you, with all that I am. And remember that you are deserving of such love and care. I know it can be scary to open your heart up to others... but, let them know of your fears. Don't close your heart off. Seek out those who are willing to treasure your heart, and trust them to do so when you know you can't handle it on your own. And, remember that my heart is there for you through it all."

#mystic messenger #mysmes #mysme #mm #saeran choi #choi saeran #ge saeran #saeran x reader #ge saeran x reader #also i do apologize for how long this took!#i wanted to really give this one justice and i just didn't have the energy to write at my best for the past week #but it's done!#and i'm quite happy with it :)#writing ge saeran's dialogue is always so intriguing because he's such a poetic man #but like in a different way from jihyun #they are both super cheesy but while jihyun is all about metaphors and artistic talk #saeran is like a poet in a way #idk just a thought

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