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#n it started w dream him fr thowing a whole new bowl of cereal it was implied i poured (jus 2 show how sudden it was)
mocweepe Β· 4 years
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irl benrey on my post...
#like if u read da tags pls iz personal#ty king i needed dat πŸ’žπŸ’ž#cw 4 ableism n maybe talks of past suicidal ideation idk if ill bring it up:#woke up from a dream where my dxd had done smtn dat made me rlly rlly upset bc it v quickly dosturbed like a WHOLE routine#n it started w dream him fr thowing a whole new bowl of cereal it was implied i poured (jus 2 show how sudden it was)#(it was like. a new like.. dietary plan sorta???? cuz my brx n i were eating 'too much of da same tings')#n i was tryna eat da food he gave me but it jus made me feel rlly sad n i put da food down n was kina obviously gona have like a meltdown??#n dream dxd fr said 'yk im starting 2 tink u only act autistic when ur upset so u can get da tings u want' n dat fucking HURT#so dream me instinctively flipped him off bc i had NO idea how 2 react 2 it (he laughed like it porved his point) but immediately regretted#it. i tried 2 communicate 'i cant explain it rn' firs by touching my throat n saying 'no speak' but dat wasn right so i gestured 2 my head#n mouth but dat was unclear until i remembered da word explain n said 'no explain' n i was crying n da dream n den i woke up n it still HUR#i jus... FUCK wht he said was ouch it hurt a LOT n even doh it was n a dream i tink i gota talk 2 him abt it neway (obvs im not gona like.#scold him 4 smtn he did n a DREAM das not wha i mean.)#(k ya m gettin n2 it so tw) ig it xtra hurs cuz a few years ago when i was goin thru a real bad depressive ep i admitted 2 being suicidal n#licherally wanting 2 kill myself n my dxd (IRL) licherally said dat he was worried i was using my depression n anxiety as a crutch. n also#da VERY FIRS n ONLY ting he asked me when i let him ask questions was 'y haven u been doing ur chores?' n dat HURT SFM#n like. after i stopped CRYING i explaimed it was bc i didn have ne energy or motivation 2 dem (we werent given ne allowance or reward 4#chores so ne motivation had 2 b from inside) but looking back like. (4 neglect reasons) we had never Technically had chores when living w m#dxd???? n our cousins jus out of da blue w NO DISCUSSION from us kids took out a chore list n whole ass schedule 4 us 2 follow n like#n wanted us 2 immediately follow it n like!!!!! i know now 4 sure dat im autistic!!!!!! i was already n a depression n dey took away MY#SCHEDULE from me. da LAST semblence of control i fucking HAD so ofc i didn follow it n ofc i locked myself n my room as soon as i came from#school each afternoon!!!! idk dis dream rlly brought up old feeling n i jus feel sad n mopey n not listened 2 rn so waking up 2 benrey wuv#was v v pleasant n helpful tyyy πŸ₯ΊπŸ₯ΊπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’ž
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