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femmefatalevibe · 10 months

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Femme Fatale Playbook: Questions To Ask When Evaluating Your Relationships

Whether it's a friendship, colleague or professional relationship, romantic/sexual relationship, one with a family member, mentors, or with yourself. Here are some questions to ponder when trying to evaluate someone's true character and intentions. Consider the following if you think someone is trying to deceive, manipulate, love bomb, or blindside you in any way.

Do they live with integrity? Not the "I'll start tomorrow" type of integrity, but do they live in alignment with their general life philosophy, opinions, and values?

Do they take accountability for their actions, behaviors, and mistakes? Listen to whether they acknowledge their role in how a situation played out automatically when recounting a story to you. Even when another person is at fault, do they see the situation objectively? Do they play the blame game to make themselves appear like the innocent victim at all times or try to see how their actions may have consequences for others?

When you share your successes with them, is there immediate action to double down on making you feel good or do they automatically claim your win by telling them how it makes them feel or feel about you?

When you make a mistake or share a failure with them, do they seek to understand/offer support, try to distance themselves from your claim/actions, or provide unsolicited advice?

When offering criticism, do they judge your behaviors, attitude, and actions, or do they immediately start evaluating your character?

Do they engage in conversations to win or understand?

Do they make assumptions about your or your perceptions before hearing what you have to say about a particular situation? Do they ask or assume how you're feeling?

In a conflict, do they initiate a conversation by opening a dialogue or immediately jump to criticize you? Do they speak about an issue with you first directly, or do they try to get others on your side behind your back before confronting you?

Are they loyal to you, or do you believe they can "switch sides" at any time? A friend to all is a friend to none.

Do they seek connection or perceive you as a source of consistent attention? Do they ask you how you are or go on endless monologues about themselves/their struggles? When speaking about yourself to them, do they ask questions and seem curious or act dismissive in an attempt to redirect the conversation back to themselves?

Do they put effort into acknowledging your needs, interests, or preferences? Do they do favors or nice things for you that don't necessarily benefit them or relate to their interests, purely because they know you would enjoy it, without having to ask once they know you well?

Do they respect your boundaries? Do they react with understanding and compassion or rage and condescension if they cross them?

Do you feel supported or like you're nagging when expressing your needs to them? Do they value your input or say they do yet dismiss your needs through their actions?

Do they more often say or show that they're a good person? The more someone needs to validate their character, the less likely they've confronted the truth about themselves.

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zeldasnotes · 1 year

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4 common manipulation tactics to be aware of🪞

More non-astro related posts → make people respect you & friendship advice

”Im horrible, but i would never do it to you” - The person who loves being mean to people but not to you ofc, because you are special. They will do it to you, trust me. They are saying the same thing to those other people too when they tell them about the mean stuff they are doing to YOU. A woman who talks shit about her best girlfriends ugly nailpolish and weight is probably talking about how bad you are in bed to that same friend of hers.

”What do you think about my friend Josh?” - They know their friend Josh is ugly as hell, they want to see what a people pleaser you are. Will you start talking about how ugly and disgusting Josh is to make his ego happy? Are you a good dog who say what owner wants to hear? Or will you just give him a short ”nah didnt notice Josh”. How far are you willing to go to make him happy? He will know based on your answer.

”You are just as horrible as me hehe” - No you are not. They know you are not as horrible as them, but making you believe you are as smart as them makes you not see that you are being manipulated because you think you are special to them. This will also make you accept them doing mean stuff to others because you think you are a team with them.

”Your friend is ugly” - Oh how many people Ive met who fell for this one, especially women bc we hate eachother and we love hearing how ugly other women are. He makes you believe all your friends are ugly and you are the only woman he considers attractive. This means that he noticed how competetive you are with other women and he is playing on it. Can also mean hes sleeping with the one he constantly talks about. If your boyfriend/girlfriend CONSTANTLY talks shit about another person, something is not right. Bc trust me your partner would never be that obsessive over someone they are not attracted to.

#self love #manipulation #relationship #emotional abuse #verbal abuse #narcissismawareness

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thelonelyelysium · 1 year

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I wish anyone who uses the term “narc abuse” “narcissistic abuse” a very bad holidays and I hope your tree burns for you being ableist. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas I hope your oven catches fire like in the sims

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ouidepressoespresso · 1 year

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and when I cut all contact, I hope you realize what you’ve done.

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chaos-in-one · 1 year

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People with npd: Hey can we not be treated like abusers just for our disorder and be treated like actual human beings instead of monsters?

'Narc abuse' mfs: Is this an excuse to trauma dump on a complete stranger who is most likely a trauma survivor already?

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empath-abuse-awareness · 1 year

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You’ve got some serious cognitive dissonance if you think that someone telling you to not demonize disorders is in anyway invaliding your trauma

#narc abuse #narcissism positivity #narcissistic abuse #npd positivity #narcissist #narcissistic personality disorder #npd #surviving narcissism #npdawareness #empath #narc #narcissismawareness #narcissism

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clusterrune · 1 year

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stop calling every self-centered, self-serving, self-absorbed, manipulative, cold and apathetic person you meet/know a narcissist.

npd is a disorder. not something you can apply to every person you dont like or who is hurtful.

if you were to live with a condition that people only associate specific stigmatized negative traits to and only thought of those traits when they heard about your condition and hated you for it, you'd be upset and hurt by the misinformation and misunderstanding too. especially if it prevented you from getting the help and support you needed. thats what happens to us, to many people with all kinds of conditions.

people associate those things with us and immediately apply our term to anyone with those traits and deem them unworthy of help, making it harder for us to be deemed worthy of the help we need.

use different descriptors, theres tonnes of them.

Narcissus didn't live his life, stare at his reflection and have a flower named after him just for a term based off his name to be used in vain.

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npders · 1 year

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i don't know what your abuser did to you, but they are not a narcissist. narcissism did not abuse you. i did not abuse you. i did not and i do not want to. i don't even know who you are, and you probably don't know anyone wNPD. however, i know your story. i've listened to it and i hear you. i hear you and i see you. you do not deserve what you are going through, but i do not deserve your hate speech either.

#npd #narc #narcissism #narcissismawareness #narcissist #narcissistic personality disorder #cluster b #npd safe #npdawareness #npd awareness #mental health #personality disorder #personality disorders #cluster b personality disorder #narcissim #neurodiversity #mental health awareness

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sadiahakim · 2 years

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Toxic positivity is one of the most annoying and dangerous forms of gaslighting.

I hate people with toxic positivity.

Sadia Hakim

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enodahtemethadone · 2 years

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#surviving narcissism #malignant narcissism #narcissist #narcissismawareness #covert narcissism #healing #male #relationship #breakup #heartbroken #heartbreak #heartache #lost love #missing you #staysafe #tiktok #tiktok video #videos #boys will be boys

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thelonelyelysium · 1 year

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"Narc" Abuse = Emotional Abuse

It's funny seeing something so relatable to you on instagram regarding family trauma or relationship drama in general then you look at the tags to see it is tagged under "Narcissistic abuse" AND "Emotional abuse". FYI they are the same thing, one is an incorrect and ableist version while the other is the correct version.

Then you get to the comments and it is so MUCH worse, especially when someone is trying to educate these people who refuse to educate themselves and trauma dump to justify their ableist views and why they use narc abuse as a term to describe an abuser.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stems from trauma that causes an emotional imbalance, which causes unwanted out-lashes towards those they love and are close to. This is why ACCOUNTABILITY is important for the person with NPD (or really any disorder that has horrible symptoms that one cannot control), it is also important for the other person to understand that the person with NPD cannot control their symptoms. You can be hurt because it is an emotion that will happen regardless, but you cannot use ableistic terms on them especially if they are trying to heal and trying to do better

Narc Abuse DOES NOT EXIST and if you believe it does your are an extremely horrible and disgusting person who needs more therapy than people with NPD do. Don't use terms that aren't for you to use and don't just water the term down because you gained the wrong information and choose to believe it instead of listening to those who struggle with the stigma every single day

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tennesseine · 1 year

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Patterns, patterns, patterns…

In order to avoid the mistakes of the past, you have to recognize your patterns and why they exist.

Last year I got involved with a woman who called herself a “starving artist.” Which is my weakness. I love creative people, and I have a particular weakness for the dark, reflective types.

The problem isn’t getting involved with artists, mind you. The problem is with this particular type. I’ve done it three times now. Enough to finally see my pattern of seeking out malignant narcissists.

All three had several traits in common:

1) Self-obsession. In the beginning of each relationship, it was amazing: long, fascinating talks about everything from the general human condition to what relationships are about to what makes for a meaningful life. I live for talks like that, so of course that always drew me in. But these talks were balanced by other interactions that met my other needs: silliness, fun, the lightness and joy of life. This is what experts call the “love bombing” stage.

But as time passed, the latter gave way almost exclusively to the former, and the former started to narrow: instead of being about life and people, it became all about them, them, them.

This actually makes sense when I look back on it, because each had described herself as being prone to general unhappiness and anxiety, so it should have been a warning to me that they seemed so happy with me at first. It was only a matter of time before their self-absorption forced them to return to their constant brooding, the brief respite driven only by the hormones and neurotransmitters we collectively and colloquially call “New Relationship Energy.”

(And that’s where my own ego is to blame. I have an unfortunate tendency (that I’m working on) to want to “save” people. It’s why I get attracted to that type: I want to take away their sadness and heal them because I see their inner beauty. And all that NRE makes me think I’m succeeding. But of course, that is vanity, ego, and arrogance, hence my need to work on it. You can’t fix people. They must fix themselves. I’m nobody’s savior, and the sooner I truly internalize that, the better.)

So of course once the newness of the relationship wore off, each woman started to revert to her true nature: navel-gazing self-obsession leading to unhappiness. With the last one, it took just weeks. Soon, all she could talk about was either herself and how grievously the world misunderstood her, or about us and our relationship, constantly dissecting it, analyzing it, obsessing over the supposed hidden meaning of everything. (More on the latter below.)

And again, the signs were all there for me to see. For the last one, they still are, actually: though she’s a visual artist, she also writes a lot, and almost everything she writes is completely self-absorbed. The last thing of hers I read was a long treatise on how the world sees her, how misunderstood and complicated she is, etc, etc, etc. It never seems to occur to this type of person that maybe the world would be both kinder and more understanding of her if she made an effort to understand and focus on others more. But this type dramatically declares that it isn’t self-absorption, but reflection and self-discovery. Which it would be…in small doses. But when it’s all you ever think and talk about, it’s just neurosis. Which brings me to the next trait, mentioned above.

2) “Relationship neurosis.” For this type, being in a relationship is really just an opportunity to slightly expand their navel-gazing. Because sooner or later that trait extends to you, too, and they begin picking apart and obsessing over every aspect of your relationship. In each of the three cases, once the newness faded, if she wasn’t talking about herself, she was obsessing over “us” and what that meant for her. It reminds me of that old joke about the narcissist trying not to sound narcissistic: “But enough of me talking about me! Let’s talk about what you think about me!”

In the last relationship, it took over everything. Gone were the moments of lightness and joy and silliness, all replaced by constant brooding and moodiness. It’s at this point that people often move on, which is exactly why this type is always complaining that people “love them and leave them.” The last one actually whined that most men “seem to move on and forget about me within a couple of weeks.” At no point did it ever seem to occur to her that she might be to blame, and that no, it wasn’t because she was “tragically misunderstood.” Quite the contrary: people move on from her exactly at that moment they do understand her true nature. But of course that realization would require honesty about oneself, not just abstract philosophical analysis. Which brings me to the next common trait.

3) Intellectualization of feelings. Communication about feelings is a critical component of any relationship, but with this type, it soon becomes clear that there’s a key difference for them. They turn feelings into objects to be analyzed without allowing for true vulnerability or appreciation of the feelings themselves. I call it “emotional objectification.”

Perfect example: with one of them, one day we were discussing the emotion jealousy. She started the conversation by mentioning she had felt it to a degree with us. But just as a binary statement really: a simple declaration of the feeling’s existence. I then talked about my own experiences and feelings and poured my heart out on the subject, expecting her to share equally. She replied with an analysis of everything I had said and shared nothing. Because of course she couldn’t: when feelings are to be treated as just topics of intellectual discourse, you can’t express them as feelings at all. So when someone is open with you, you respond to their vulnerability with cold analysis. Talk about bait and switch.

Emotional objectification also dooms any hope of a meaningful long-term relationship. When all you do is obsess over and analyze feelings instead of living your life and leaving time simply to feel things and live in the joy and lightness of life, eventually all romantic feelings die, each one carefully picked apart until there’s nothing beautiful left. And once they’re gone, they can never be revived, because by the time you’ve gone through that destructive process, the other person is out the door and never wants to look back.

So what have I learned from all this? Will I do any better the next time? All the traits above only become obvious when it’s too late. I need to see it coming! So I created a mental portrait.

Here’s my verbal portrait:

The highly cultivated persona. Though they call themselves some variant of “starving artists,” and all definitely have varying degrees of true talent, it is really just a cover for being too lazy to make an effort at life. The last one I was with was a perfect example: constantly moaning about being broke, but rarely looking for work in her field, turning down projects, whining about being “misunderstood,” the typical siren call of the self-obsessed neurotic type. All part of a highly curated persona they show to the world, a persona of a tortured artistic soul. It’s hard to be anything but a starving artist if you spend all day navel-gazing.

So I need to be more skeptical about women presenting themselves as “artists” if they’re not actually feeding themselves through art. Especially at my age. It’s one thing to be a “starving artist” at 25 or even 35, but quite another entirely to be one at 50. The last one was 41 and still not making enough to support herself well. If you’re a 41-year-old woman who can’t fully support herself, artist or not, you better rethink your whole approach to life.

Selfish in the small things. Not surprisingly, self-absorbed people tend to be selfish. The trick is to recognize that before you’re in too deep. By the time I realized just how selfish the last one was, I was already at that stage of self-deception we reach when we’re in new love, so I was dismissing all the red flags and awful behavior (which is on me). Her total apathy with respect to my needs didn’t become obvious until I was all the way down the rabbit hole.

But looking back, there were plenty of signs early on, and those can help me avoid her type next time. I need to look out for the small things: how they react to changes in plans, their behavior when they don’t get their way, their flexibility: all are indicators. Perfect example: one of the first times we went out to dinner, the last one almost had a meltdown because I wanted to order an appetizer, which didn’t even affect her, because she preferred to have all the food come at once. For a moment I thought she was going to make a scene. It was childish and ridiculous, but of course I made excuses for it. I feel foolish admitting that now. If I had been smart, I would have asked for the check, paid, and walked out on her right then and there. Going forward, I will keep a sharp eye out for red flags like that.

Some of you will recognize this type. Others won’t. Either way, the fundamental message is the same: don’t ignore red flags, listen to your instincts v your heart, and don’t lie to yourself just because you think you’re in love.

#amwriting #relationships #humanity #patterns #narcissismawareness #personality #sociopath #self awareness #self sabotage #surviving narcissism

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