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kamandzak · 9 months

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Sentences in my new WIP that hurt to write

Working title: Render me Speechless

Premise: Army medic Sam Taylor (narrator) loses his best friend and is left with a letter revealing secrets about her life. Said secrets lead to Sam landing in New Orleans to complete a mission; a mission that will turn into a journey of mutual healing as common threads between two trouble men blend seamlessly with their growing feelings.

"I was on the Formula One racetrack to nowhere for what felt like both minutes and lifetimes and when I finally hit the wall, I was on the sidewalk running in front of a small row of attached townhomes. If my life depended on giving directions to my current location, I’d be hung out by my heels and shot, and that would have been a welcome alternative to the real world."

"There was something horrifyingly stagnant in the knowledge and sensation that I was simply nowhere and nothing. What was life, and who was I, and why hadn’t I died instead of Cass, and why was I too much of a coward to put myself out of my own misery? I didn’t deserve to be alive."

"It was as if I no longer held the rights to my own bones."

"'Do you dissociate a lot? It’s nothing to be ashamed of,' he added quickly. 'It’s just a way to keep parts of you safe. It’s you protecting you in the only way that seems to work.' Will was staring straight ahead as if he hadn’t just encapsulated my yo-yo-ing brain in such a simple and clear way. 'It probably feels like everyone is watching but in the end we know who we are and taking care of yourself to the tune of others music will only muffle yours.'"

"Part of the programming of my childhood – intentional or not – was that only I could fix my problems and that the easy way was most likely a shortcut. You wouldn’t follow XYZ off a cliff, would you? Maybe not, but if I’m on an island that’s ablaze and there’s a boat at the bottom of the cliff, I’d rather live."

"I hated Cassie’s last few moments but I would have rather shouted them from the mountaintops than think about the version of me that would never set foot in the US again."

"The weight had dropped and all I could do was sit and be clung to by a man drowning in the finality of what a complete stranger had thrown into his life."

"J burst into sobs so gut wrenching I felt nauseous. They weren’t the cries of a dying soldier passing me his valuables so they could be sent to his partner. They weren’t the wails of a spouse who flew a distance to ID their loved one. These were the sounds of a man lit on fire; a man so distraught I wished I had snuck a gun into the ER so I could put him out of his misery."

"Being raised by a narcissist did a number on my childhood, namely that I never really had one. Being constantly forced into a mold meant I never found my default self. Add my unstable and impressionable mother with her own demons and I was a parentified child by my teens. No matter the issue, I was expected to find a solution and impartially execute. No fix equaled failure. Failure equaled blame. Blame laid the foundation and expectation and realty that any negative connections to said lack of fix was therefore my fault.

Adults have the experience and mental acuity to find the most effective fixes and the best ways to apply them. Ten-year-old's don’t."

"There was no doubt in my mind that combat had royally fucked me up. Beyond the injuries resulting from an ambush on our makeshift base, the range of ways in which every aspect of my existence was a barren wasteland terrified me. The Army had given me a place and purpose after a not-so-stellar childhood. The fact that something I held so close was also the reason I’d never feel comfortable in my own skin again broke my heart. It was all I had had and all I would ever have."

#writing #novel #author #novelist #writer #in progress #render me speechless #ptsd #combat #war #fiction #narcissistic parenting #grief #loss #platonic friendship #dissociation

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witchyykitten · 1 year

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everyone talks about cutting off a toxic parent

but no one ever talks about the pain of wanting a parent but knowing yours cannot love you the way they should

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ineffectualdemon · 1 year

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#cluster b #personality disorder #narcissist #narcissism #you've all latched onto the latest buzzword #but in honesty most of abusers are just assholes #this is coming from someone with cptsd from abuse #my parents are really just assholes

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nothing0fnothing · 7 months

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being like this and living with someone who doesn't understand is so hard.

#narcissistic abuse #parental abuse #cptsd life #complex trauma #just cptsd things #actually cptsd #cptsd recovery #living with cptsd #cptsd problems #mental health #mentally fucked #actually mentally ill #overwhelmed #therapy #coping #mental illness

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little-bloodied-angel · 2 years

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The truth is that I just wasn't made to be loved.

It isn't just me saying so -and they're all right.

Some people loved me, a long time ago. They were dead or gone before they could know or realize what I am.

I'm a mentally ill disaster, but I have no genius to compensate for it. Not Van Gogh, not Beethoven, not a poète maudit with a stomach full of absinthe and lungs full of opium smoke but the world's most beautiful words on my tongue and my page. Just the kind of disaster your family speaks in hushed tones about and tries to hide from strangers.

Don't have the looks for the lack of talent, either. Instead of Dorian Gray I am his portrait, scarred and marked and deformed by sin and illness and age, smothered in the attic because to look upon me is to know your own shame. Perhaps that's why only I look at myself now. Others around me bloom and bloomed where I've decayed since the instant of my birth.

I thought at least the fact that I could still love was a good thing. It doesn't seem to be. I'm smothering and cloying, and sin of sins, I want to be loved as much as I love. And I am capable of hatred, I am meek no longer, sharp-edged and blunt and cruel and unforgiving once it's too far.

When your own mother tells you that the gaping hole in your chest is what you deserve, the reaping of what you've sown

(She says: you were going to die as a baby. Now I wish you had. She says: I shouldn't have said that. But you provoke it)

at first it hurts. Then you hate her. Then you believe her. There is no one left, and she poisons me with truths I cannot escape from the inside out.

To look at yourself, within and without, and not be able to find a single positive feature, a single redeeming feature even, not one, in body or soul or mind, the hot-knife pain of knowing too well your own worthlessness, this slow drowning in tar I've been bracing through for as long as I've memory; how do I continue on? I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

(Nearly anyone, whispers that cruelty. Even if you deserved what they did, their other victims didn't, and you want them to suffer. I say nothing; it is true).

I was raised by books and still unintelligent. I craved and gave love but I can't do it right. I'm not even pretty to understand why I was four times chosen. Probably because I was easy to lull, low-hanging fruit.

I'm selfish, and I want, and daydreams don't subsist me anymore. Between the red haze of pain and the black suffocation of emptiness I know what I am: nothing.

#personal #abuse tw #vent #me #rape tw #death cw #depression #actuallyborderline #loneliness #negative #body image tw #bdd #narcissistic parenting #csa tw #drugs tw #alcohol tw

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tklshtxler · 9 months

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#trauma #manipulation #parents #mental health #abuse survivor #narcissistic abuse #emotional abuse

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furiousgoldfish · 5 months

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How many of these 'rules for thee but not for me' have your abusive parents enforced on you?

I am allowed to criticize you, insult you, humiliate you and put you down in front of others. If you ever as much as imply I do anything wrong, or make me look bad in front of anyone, I will end you.

I am allowed to be aggressive, loud, intimidating, forceful and violent. You're not allowed to use force even in self defense, otherwise you are the abusive one, and how dare you.

I am allowed to need attention, comfort, appreciation, admiration, praise, reassurance, resources, time, energy, and everyone's support, at all times. If you ever need any of this, not only you are a burden but you're taking away attention that could have been mine and I need it more than you do. You do not deserve any of it.

I am allowed to make mistakes, to do harm with 'good intentions', to make human error and do things completely wrong. Everyone needs to give me a benefit of the doubt and forgive me immediately. If you ever make something I decide is a mistake, not only I will assume you had the worst intentions, but I will punish you severely for it and make you feel like you're the worst failure ever born.

I am allowed to control you completely. I can forbid and deny you anything, even food. I say what you do and when you do it, and you have to do it regardless of how rude I am asking it. If you ever even ask me to do something you need me to do, I will act like you are unreasonable, selfish and trying to take something away from me.

I am allowed to be emotional, whiny, complain, rant, threaten, wallow and cry. You are not allowed to show any emotions or you're spoiled, whiny, insufferable and unworthy of human society.

I am allowed to be seen as human and reasonable, all my actions excusable, and nobody is ever allowed to forget that I have emotions and that it's wrong to blame me for anything. You are not allowed any of this, you don't get to be taken seriously, and all of your actions are inexcusable. I can forget you're human and that you have emotions and it still makes me better than you.

I am allowed to hurt you if you do anything that irritates or annoys me even a little, even if you did it unknowingly and were just being a human. If you ever hurt me, even accidentally, you are a demon, worst child alive, and deserve to burn in hell forever.

I can take any revenge against you and it's justified. If you even consider any kind of revenge, you're evil.

I can forget that you exist and not care at all how my decisions affect you and your life. If you ever make a decision without considering my feelings first, you are the most selfish, disgusting, deprived and evil person who lives only to cause me harm.

My anger directed at you is righteous. Your anger directed at me is selfish, ungrateful, spoiled, deranged, out of control, disgusting, dangerous, makes you evil.

If I ever show contempt at you, you are supposed to still rationalize it as 'love'. If you ever as much as look at me wrong, I will take it as an expression of utter unreasonable hatred and disrespect.

I deserve respect, regardless of what I do to you. You don't deserve respect, and you never will, regardless of what you do for the rest of your life.

I am intelligent, and my every decision is superior to any of yours. You will never be intelligent, your every decision will be considered stupid until you do exactly as I tell you to.

I decide who you are and how are you to be treated. You don't get to decide, not for yourself, not for me. You will perceive me how I tell you to perceive me. I will perceive you as unlovable and awful no matter what you do, and you must perceive yourself this way too.

You must center me in your life. You are completely irrelevant to me and exist solely to make me look good, give me benefits of labour and love and to avoid making any trouble for me. If you try to do otherwise I will attack you as if you are the worst creature existing who is a burden to everyone alive.

Guests and relatives are here to give attention to me. You are not allowed attention and should instead be there as a servant/make me look good.

It is never my fault how I react to you, or even for what I do to you unprovoked. It is always your fault how you react to me, and you are further responsible for all of my actions and emotions as well. Nobody is responsible for your emotions, you might as well not have any.

I am not responsible for my own violence. You are responsible for my violence, and for violence of other people towards you.

I deserve everything I ever wanted from parenthood and raising a child, and only good parts too. If anyone tries to make me go through any unpleasant part, they're stupid or evil. You do not deserve even the basics of a normal childhood, instead you need to be the toughest kid alive if you want to survive.

I can be sensitive to every little hint, implication or face expression. You are not allowed to be sensitive even to the most crude and humiliating remarks or insults. You are not allowed to even have a problem with threats, blackmail or violence.

Whatever bothers me is a real and serious issue. Whatever bothers you is superficial, unimportant, made-up, you dramatizing and you seeking attention. Your problems are not real.

I cannot be compared to anyone for I am unique and special. You can be compared to the most despicable monsters, criminals, predators, and other groups of people that I consider disgusting.

If I am sick, it's a tragedy. If you are sick, stop pretending and get to work. And it's also your own fault and how dare you be sick only to force me to tolerate you being in bed and otherwise ignore you. You've done this on purpose to make me worry.

If I'm hurt, no measure is big enough to comfort me, bring justice back into the world, ensure revenge and correct whatever evil hurt me. If you're hurt, you deserved it, and you're probably just making it up anyway.

Taking care of me is your responsibility. Taking care of you is nobody's chore and you're selfish for wanting it.

My problem are your problems, and you are responsible for fixing them, even when you can't possibly do anything about them. Your problems are irrelevant and nobody cares.

You have to make me look good even at the price of truth, free will, and your own sanity. I can make you look bad in front of others for fun and amusement.

If you're inconvenient to me, I have every right to hate you, hurt you and do anything in the world to force you to change whatever is bothering me. If I'm inconvenient to you, adjust, and keep silent.

#rules for thee but not for me #abusive parents #toxic parents #child abuse #parentification #child neglect #hypocrisy #double standards #double bind #ending up in pain no matter what #because they rigged the entire basis of your upbringing #to always be against you #so you're always neglected and hurt and it's always your fault #and you can't even do anything #gross behaviour #narcissistic parents #narcissistic abuse

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alostlittleriverlotus · 30 days

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what also gets me about people being so adamant about using the word "narcissist" or some form of it to describe shitty people is...there are other words. I was just watching a drew gooden video and he said "If you knowingly take part in something that has the potential to put other people in harm's way and you still do it cause it's kind of fun for you, you are selfish and you suck." (It's the gender reveal party.)

Just seeing how many commentary YouTubers, especially more leftist ones that talk about the heavier side of things like misogynists and seeing them use the term narcissistic or delusional is just. We HAVE other words we can use! We HAVE USED other words for years before narcissistic became a big trend to say and narcissistic abuse really ramped up as a pop psychology trend.

It is literally SO easy to use other words. You can Google similar words. Selfish, self centered, self righteous, egotistical, arrogant, entitled. One of the best words I find is probably entitled. Because a lot of bigots and misogynists and shit that usually get delusional and narcissistic thrown at them are really more self centered, arrogant, and entitled. Self interested, self obsessed. Especially since for abusers, misogynists, other shitty people, the entitled comes from the fact it is NORMALIZED!!!!! It is not a bunch of narcissists harming people, it is a society, a world, that has normalized this behaviour. They are entitled, they are abusive, they are selfish, they are cruel. There are so many OTHER WORDS to describe your abuse, to describe shitty people. Just call them abusers or bigots for fucks sake. And even if some delusional people may get roped into it cause they're vulnerable, typically it is a lot of people who are INTENTIONALLY doing it. It is normalized, it is allowed!

All we narcissists ask is that you not use a word that demonizes us. "There's a difference" yet other people say there isn't, other people say NPD isn't even fucking real, other people say pwNPD ARE abusive. If we used any kind of other word for the more "talked about" disorders, there would be a problem. We ask that you change it, we ask that you use other words, we ask that you not further add to the stigma. The same stigma that BPD deals with, that autistic people deal with, that any neurodivergent person deals with. The stigma and demonization is something ALL neurodivergencies have fucking faced!!! It may have moved away from demonization for a lot of disorders, but there ARE people that DO still believe it.

We fucking ask you literally use any other word. And you refuse to. You refuse to listen to us. You refuse to believe us when we tell you the harm it has and how it actually prevents us from finding resources. You say "of course a narcissist would want that." You see it as an attack on you and your trauma. You are throwing trauma victims at risk of abuse under the bus because you want to feel vindicated in your own trauma. You completely ignore any critical thinking of what we say to turn it against us, to ignore us, to bring up your own trauma as a defense point. Yes, you were abused by someone and it is terrible that happened. So were we!!! My abusive mom probably has NPD, but it did not affect the abuse I faced, it only add strains in our relationship outside of the abuse that still affect us to this day.

It is SO easy to find another word, to literally just listen to us, to not throw us under the same fucking bus. To not group us in with abusers and rapists and child sex offenders and murderers. Would you fucking like to be compared to your abuser? Pretty sure you fucking wouldn't. So why is it okay to do to us?

Some people will never listen. No matter what I say, it does not matter. As with any kind of thinking along these lines. But for those that are still reachable, please. Listen to us. And what would you even do if you found yourself having NPD traits? Wouldn't it be terrifying to see that in yourself? Because I sure as hell thought it was. It made me hate myself and further believe that I could NEVER do any wrong because I wasn't like my narcissistic abusers and worsened my relationship difficulties. A fair bit of narcissists on here had also fallen into that same hole. It doesn't heal you. It keeps you angry, scared, upset. It makes you want to hurt them back. And that will not heal you. It'll keep you defensive. It's keeping you in a victim mentality and preventing healing.

To the ones that ARE reachable, I hope you can learn something from my posts, from posts I reblog, or from any other posts. It starts with narcissists and "psychopaths" (antisocials), but it is the same place the stigma of every neurodivergency and mental disorder stems from. It's why other disorders may still get demonization from some ableists. That a lot of autistic experiences were based around how it affected OTHER PEOPLE like "think of their mom having that autistic kid :(" it is not anything new. It is the same ableism and stigma. It is less demonized for other disorders now, focusing more on treating it as no big deal, ignoring the actual difficult symptoms of such disorders (like if you have poor hygiene, people will judge you regardless), or even infantilization. There IS still stigma, but the stigma was once the same as us, demonization. It comes from the same place. It's things said about other disorders still today even if it is rarer. It's just more well known for the "scary" personality and psychotic disorders since there is a big push to destigmatize things like depression, anxiety, OCD, autism.

Do not throw us under the bus. It will do nothing. It is the same fucking stigma, the same fucking arguments. Like gay people throwing trans people under the bus, they're called the same things even if it seems like they aren't. It comes from the same bigotry, the same place of hatred.

It is not new, it is not different, it just is more common for personality disorders, psychotic disorders, and schizospec disorders. So when we bring up these things, mention how using the term directly associated with a disorder in the DSM V and how it prevents us getting help, how using the term narcissistic DOES correlate to NPD, please fucking listen.

Cause nothing will ultimately benefit you for continuing down that rabbit hole. Narcissistic abuse believers don't help victims of abuse, those articles and questions don't help you heal. It keeps you angry how anyone could do that, it takes advantage of your vulnerability and desire to find meaning and logic out of it. The reality is, you may never know why or at least not until you are away from the abuse.

We are trauma victims as well. We are still at risk of abuse because of our disorder. I would genuinely stay with an abuser just for the sake of narc supply regardless of how they hurt me if I did not have a good support system. For our "toxic" traits, we cannot work on them without help and the idea of narcissistic abuse pushes stigma further which prevents us from even finding free online resources, let alone if we actually tried to seek any fucking help.

Narcissistic abuse is not real and it will never be. Please fucking include us in "mental health matters" and the push for destigmatizing disorders. We are fucking humans that need help. And even if we were all toxic and selfish hypothetically, removing the ability to find resources or get help is NOT the way to go.

Even when I believed in narcissistic abuse, I would search to find answers on why I aligned with NPD if I wasn't an abuser or a bad person. I was terrified to even suspect it despite how much attention and love and supply I needed and how that applied to the very essence of my being. Even when I examined my own actions, all I found was treating it as if they're the utter worst of humanity. Even with my toxic and unhealthy acts because I was a fucking traumatized teen with no experience for relationships of any kind especially not healthy ones, I could not find answers or help. And all that did was reassure me that I WAS the good person, that I was JUSTIFIED in my toxic desires because I was traumatized. It did not help me with my emotional regulation, it worsened it.

Even if narcissists WERE all abusers or toxic and bad, they deserve fucking help and a chance to be able to see their actions in a better light. Some people may never change, but plenty will if given resources and actual professional help. The idea of narcissistic abuse refuses that and just demonizes it and NOBODY wants to be demonized, NOBODY wants to believe they're a bad person. The term narcissistic abuse and the environment and community surrounding it is toxic. It always will be. That is inherently what it is about. It kept me terrified that someone might call me an abusive narcissist because of my emotional difficulties, that someone would take me out of context and turn me into a monster like my family had done my entire fucking life. It keeps you defensive, it keeps you scared, it keeps you mistrustful, it keeps you in those trauma responses. It does not fucking help victims find peace of mind or heal. It keeps you triggered.

Also NPD isn't just a single disorder on its own. It's comorbid or the person could be ND in other ways. BPD + NPD, it has some genetic factors so a narcissistic parent may increase likelihood you have it, there are DID systems with it. You are not just throwing people with purely ONLY NPD under the bus, but whoever else may have it that may also fall under many other categories. I'm autistic and have NPD, I'm a system with NPD, I'm schizospec and psychotic with NPD. I have ADHD and NPD. They may not be directly related and comorbid, but I do still fall under these other categories. So autistics throwing people with NPD under the bus does nothing for the narcissists that are also fucking autistic. So by throwing narcissists under the bus, you are throwing a LOT of people with that disorder that also have other forms of neurodivergency under the bus as well. And the stigma all comes from the same place anyway.

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