#needed to channel it somewhere other than my journal

[laguezze]

PAC: Summer Predictions

it's almost June and I feel like summer tends to be an exciting time for a lot of people! In case you are wondering what are some things summer will bring to you here's a Mamma Mia! Themed PAC for ya.

Minors DNI as one of the piles is a little PG. Please don't. Listen to me. Don't interact!

Here are the piles!

Pile I

Pile II

Pile III

Pile IV

Ready? Let's go!

Pile I

Song channeled: Waterloo

"I was defeated you won the war." "Finally facing my Waterloo."

There's an energy of waiting and release. I'll explain. You've been waiting for something to happen, you've been making moves in the past and nothing came out of it. So now I'm sensing you're just defeated and decided to let go of it. You have learned you can live without this thing happening. And it's when you let go that it happens. Or for some of you, something better comes out of it.

Letting go is a powerful thing, it can bring new things, it gives you peace of mind. And although it's painful sometimes, the sense of release is better than anything else.

So basically, this summer I see you becoming more chill with others and with yourself. You're done waiting and expecting things from people and opportunities, you're done. So you're letting go, learning how to breathe and that will be rewarded.

Things I'm seeing could happen: meeting a promising connection, learning a new skill, getting a job offer, learning how to love yourself.

Hope it resonates! 💕

Pile II

Song channeled: Dancing Queen

"you are the dancing queen, young and sweet"

"you're a teaser you turn em on"

I'm seeing you wanna have fun this summer. I mean, you chose this dancing pile, so it makes sense.

And I'm not here to blow your fun away. But i am.

So you want to go out and meet new people, get into that hot girl summer mindset. Maybe you've had a boring year or your experiences with summer have always been dull and not special.

I'm seeing someone scrolling on social media, looking at all the fun things people are doing on vacation, wishing that was them.

Well, I'm here to tell you that may not be you. And that's ok.

You're not at that point yet and that's fine. You can't expect to go out and meet people in a place where you know everyone. And if you can't afford to leave that place then it's going to be very difficult doing that.

It's alright to have a chill moment at home, you don't need to be out and about everyday in order for your summer to be exciting. You can meet people other ways, and you can get to know the people you already know better. Deepen some existing connections. Your deep desire of getting everything new is putting you back. You need to appreciate the things in your life before you get new ones. Including people.

Things I'm seeing could happen: finding a good friend, shadow work, journaling, exploring and finding new places in your city, picnic dates, taking care of animals.

Hope it resonates! 💕

Pile III

Song I channeled: I've been waiting for you.

"You're something I'd been pleading for"

"And finally it seems to me, my lonely days are through"

Great energy here, pile 3. A lot of you have done the work and been introspective and learned how to love yourselves. I'm so proud of that. Some of you spent hours wondering why your FS wasn't here yet and used that to solve some issues within you. Some of you wondered why you didn't seem good enough for this new position, and you did the work and got where you needed to be.

Whatever this thing you wanted was, you've done the work in order to get it. So you will get it. This summer it seems like the universe is giving you a break and granting you a wish. I'm so happy for you guys!

Things I see could happen: meeting a soulmate, getting a new job, getting a pet, buying a new house, leaving home, traveling somewhere you were dreaming of.

Hope it resonates! 💕

Pile IV

Song I channeled: Our last summer

"Walk around the Seine, laughing in the rain"

"Memories that remain"

You guys will probably travel somewhere small, like a town no one has ever heard of. This might be home for some of you and you'll be going back after a while. I'm seeing this summer will be quite transformative. I'm seeing it will be peaceful and quiet, but that's exactly what you need. Although not uneventful. I'm seeing some drama might happen with old friends. But nothing major. Maybe you'll get a crush on someone or see your old crush again and remember.

This summer is full of nostalgia and old memories. You'll rethink a lot of your goals and values and discover yourself a little more.

Things I'm seeing could happen: meeting a new crush, making a song, fighting with friends, rekindling a romance, losing the v (iykyk), lots of firsts... (Iykyk), flower picking, reading, writing a novel.

If you're a minor reading this why would you do this to me, i told you to leave at the beginning like get off the internet and live your life.

Hope it resonates! 💕

The End

#tarot readings #free readings #tarot #tarot blog #free tarot reading #pick a card #tarot pick a card #tarot pick a pile #pick a pile #pick a gif #pick an image #pick a picture

[chetsetradio]

My Impossible List

My name is Chester, and I'm sure you've seen this list of things before. Something about it being different from a bucket list (and it is different than a bucket list) -- look, I got my inspiration from Thomas Frank, who got the inspiration from Joel Runyon.

In my own words, the impossible list is a continuous list that inspires growth and documents strides in personal development. A helpful tool that can aide in motivation. Not a set and forget, but a thoughtful pondering, organized list, and an updating system, where you log when you've achieved something and what you're going to do next. Like most people, I've set my list up with different categories.

Current Focuses:

Honestly, getting my life together. I've been slacking in health overall, and I need to start taking care of myself both physical and mental health-wise. Trying to hyper focus on learning new skills, mindfulness, and fitness/health.

Last 5 Completed Goals:

*crickets* Well of course there's going to be crickets right now, this list has just come to fruition. I will update with my most recent goals as I complete them!

LIFE GOALS

-> Own a home in my hometown -> Own a place somewhere else, too -> Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms in remission -> Create and maintain a healthy relationship with a significant other -> Make enough money through passionate endeavors (video games, YouTube, writing) that I only have to "work" work part-time -> Become a published author -> Pay off my debt -> 30k Student Loans -> 15k Car -> 9k Credit Cards -> Learn about stocks and investments -> invest money

PROFESSIONAL GOALS

WORK

-> Stay at the library for as long as possible (5yrs pension starts, 10yrs student loans are forgiven, 15yrs max vacation time) -> Earn blue in 2 categories in yearly review -> Earn blue in majority of categories in yearly review -> Earn blue overall in yearly review

YOUTUBE CHETSETRADIO

-> Set up channel -> Upload 5 10 25 50 videos -> Gain 10 25 75 100 250 subscribers

CHETTERBOX TALKS

-> Set up channel -> Upload 5 10 25 50 videos -> Gain 10 25 75 100 250 subscribers

OTHER

-> create and publish a video game

FITNESS & HEALTH GOALS

-> Lose 100lbs -> Walk to work 3 days a week for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> Work out everyday for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> No take out for a month straight -> Learn how to cook -> Add more fruits and vegetables to my everyday diet -> Walk 5 miles -> Run a mile -> Run a mile in less than 9 minutes -> Participate in some sort of race (run?) -> Swim 500 free with no problem -> No soda for 1 month

CREATIVE GOALS

-> Fill up a sketchbook with art that I'm proud of -> Release an EP -> Participate in NaNoWriMo 2024 -> Self publish a novel -> Traditionally publish a novel -> Re-learn how to play the Alto Saxophone -> Learn how to play the Trumpet -> Learn how to play the Cello -> Learn how to play the Flute -> Learn how to play the French Horn -> Learn how to crochet -> Follow a short story writing prompt daily for 1 month

SKILLS & EDUCATIONAL GOALS

-> Learn how to code -> Make my own website -> Program my own video game -> Learn Music Theory -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Learn Logic Pro -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Learn Japanese -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Learn German -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Learn Korean -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Learn ASL -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Go back to school for my Master's -> Learn fractions, pre-algebra, and algebra

HABIT GOALS

-> Do my morning routine for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> Do my nighttime routine for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> Walk Pancake once a day for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> Meditate once a day for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> Journal daily for 1 month 6 months 1 year

TRAVEL GOALS

-> Visit every state in the US ( 3/50 ) -> Visit every state park in the US -> Camp in a different state -> Visit Greece -> Visit Japan -> Visit Korea -> Visit the UK -> Visit Ireland -> Visit Finland -> Ride a bullet train -> See the Hollywood sign up close in person -> Visit Stephen King's hometown ( Portland, Maine )

VIDEO GAME GOALS

STEAM

-> Perfect achievo 5 10 15 25 40 games -> All achievements in Hades -> All achievements in Slime Rancher

PLAYSTATION

-> Platinum 5 10 25 50 games

XBOX

-> Perfect achievo 5 10 25 50 games

NINTENDO

-> Finish Pokémon Sword -> Finish Pokémon Arceus -> All moons Super Mario Odyssey

GOAL INSANITY

-> Sky dive -> Bungee jump -> Meet a celebrity I like IRL -> Go to five different amusement parks -> Get a PHD -> Teach a class at a University -> Forever a student (so many degrees) -> Earn enough money to retire early

#self improvement #ftm #impossible list #trans man #life goals #habits #habit tracker #better future

[deepnerdblog]

Flow States, Process, Experiments and Creative shtuff

So like... the goal is to take cool riffs from guitar and keyboard and cool beats and make some cool shit. To write out riffs and take notes and be able to go from loops and or riffs to some really pleasing sounding shit. Looping or having a well laid out sound room with mics and a master keyboard with some form of control for all hardware is all about setting up the tools in a way that you can 'sculpt sound' or fuck around and find something groovy. It's hard to keep the stuff straight and keep the technology from getting in your way when you want to just go. A lot of synth hardware guys have their default sort of thing - they turn on power and just go. Having a lot of choices - DAWless master clocks and eurorack and just going on, four on the floor and patch the lfo into something and make a well sound designed loop. which personally has always been a bitch to turn into something more than a loop (but it's easier if you have that mixed loop broken down into discreet channels). or taking samples and stretching the sample into something that spices up lame loops into something groovy.

So what I have is reaper and a template to drive every piece of hardware from one controller. Depending on which channel is receiving midi, the CC controllers(drive most of the knobs etcetera with a instance of a JS Midimapper script for each CC). Technology shit which is all well and good, but at some point I need the sound design stage to become the song writing stage. Which needs to be fast, which is why having everything sync'ed up and two or three clicks of a button from recording ideas is handy. So the other accomplishment today was saving Templates - one for my Midi hardware, one for the Looper8 template, and one for VCVRack and it's associated channel outs. Fiddly stuff to make cool noises.

The other thing I've tinkered with is simply going back to old loops and beats - so I can grab good old jeskola buzz for throbbing bass and filters, run sound from my desktop into my current reaper setup, then go from there. Old Reason and buzz were great quick ways to get funky ideas down and then export stuff to a platform for recording and refining. The tracker workflow is fiddly but expansive.

YMMV- whichever tool gets you stuck in and nodding your head quickly is the best tool to get into the flowstate. Floops etc.

Writing this journal and alternating between philosophical overviews and technical jibber jabber is actually really useful for me. It saves me from wearing down people around me with rants 'oh hey i am frustrated with obscure hobby triviality thing number 2918' and also it helps me explore my process.

So the other interesting thing on the philosophy and 10,000 feet above process is to think about how the energy of the making stuff process affects the actual stuff being made. Like techno or house are based on evolving repetition, on mixable semi formulaic ear candy that is made through iterative editing and refinement. The loops sound good looping and sounding good and iterating while delighting the ear somewhere between the expected and unexpected. The loop and the dancefloor have a mindless sympatico. Meanwhile traditional song formats have overdubbing and harmonies that delight the ear via layers and groove, basic harmonic palette and auditory storytelling. The format and the process are intertwined, the ad libs and the back up singing and the motifs and the throwbacks to genre convention all create the pop music Vibe. From Deelite to Silk Sonic to classic funk. To abstract rhythmic chaos to the almost Pink Floyd like style of Hawtin and Namlok decades ago. Production is the process of ingredients and preparation that go into songwriting and it's a damn messy hobby but a entertaining obsession.

#old man rants on the cloud #deep nerd shit #process

[coliviataylor]

Dear Miss Americana

I am ripping the bandaid off and just going to do it. Sounds stupid to start that way but it is just the way I see it. You see, it has been quite sometime that I have been wanting to commit to a journal. I need to do it for myself. And honestly the only way I envisioned it was writing to someone. Or something that had meaning whether that be meaning to me or to others. To me, you mean so much. You are what helps me be who I am. And the few people that I actually cherish in my life are the ones that allow me to feel my love for you. And I don’t feel I need to hide. Because for some odd reason it is something I feel I need to do. Just because if I express it, I get disappointed in others for not allowing me to express it. That is why it saddens me I will never experience you from the comfort of my own home. I will never have more than what your make public to the world. Where deep down I just feel it could be so much more. 

Anyways I am starting to ramble and I don’t want to do that. This journal is meant to be effortless and just allow myself to have a best friend outlet for my chaos life. Because that is exactly what my life has become. It has been exhausting to say the least. I will most likely get into a lot of that later on, but for now I just want to introduce myself and let your know what I am doing here. 

So you can call me COlivia. This is actually a pseudonym and not my real name. I somehow came up with an alter ego, Olivia one drunken night bowling with my sister. I forget how it came about but I said if I could have another name it would be Olivia. And then I also said that Olivia is my alter ego that is more fearless and wild. The same way I would be if I were born a different person and had a different path in life. In my head I somehow feel I was meant to do something else in life, I was meant to be somewhere else. And Olivia became my “alter ego” that I channelled to became or feel the slight happiness I craved in life. So yeah my way of saying if I could hit the reset button on life and be someone else, I would be Olivia. The C was added randomly when I needed two names and I put the initial of my actual first name. Something about it just had a nice ring to it. COlivia. Well I liked it anyways. So that is the story of my name. 

Now to get to what I am doing here. Here I am finally committing to letting go of my insecurities, hiding in plain sight and just being who I really am! Embracing the things I actually love in life. And speaking of that alter ego and having a different life. Well as crazy as it sounds we would be friends. Friends in a way its mellow. Its something that is just normal and something I can have. I know that will never happen in real life. But in my dreams it would be just how I always thought it would be. Okay I think I am starting to put my foot in my mouth. I am just here writing to you. Like it is my personal journal. Like it as if I would pick up my phone and text you mid day about things. Things we would discuss over wine on my couch. These are things that I just wish I could have in my life but I know that will never exist. To be honest I don’t even think I will ever get to experience you live in concert. With the hype you get, I one can’t afford to pay for overpriced tickets. Two, I am sure if I attempted to get tickets, it would be sold out before I could get any. And thirdly I don’t have someone that I could go with. I feel I don’t have anyone one in my life to talk and enjoy your word. That brings me here. In my own little corner where I can be what I want and that is simply to be your friend. But enough about that. I am choosing to put myself out there not for the attention, but who know, maybe it could get your attention. And if it doesn’t I just like to have it for myself to look back on. A piece of my life I created to give me more joy in life. 

Anyways, that is a little introduction to what I am doing here. In summary I am here, hiding in plain sight while I document the little things in life that I hope to never forget.

#taylor swift #dear taylor swift #love COlivia

[rivermans-ramblings]

How Things Have Changed

Riverman's Journal Aug. 2/23

Well here we go, this is the first blog I have ever done. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this. With so much content in the world today, I truly appreciate your time. All this media these days be it online blogs, social media, streaming, video games or any new one I haven't heard of yet. It is a far cry from when I grew up in the 80's. I grew up in Bonny River NB Canada we had 2 tv channels, 3 if the weather was good. A dial tone phone, cassette players, (I know I have lost all the kids now, as they are asking themselves what the heck those things are.) well here's a hint kids, music. Our cameras that took awhile to get your photos back and you hoped they came out good. There was no Netflix or other streamers but it was a real joy getting to the movie rental store and finding a copy of the movie you wanted still available. A real disappointment if it was gone. However once in awhile you would find a gem you really liked if you decided to have a deep dive through the ones you never heard of before. The biggest difference back then, now prepare yourself kiddies, there was no WIFI!!! Now you are probably thinking what the heck did we do back then. Well, we went outside, ya I know pretty wild to consider that one isn't it? Outside, you only go there to go somewhere or if by accident these days. No we went outside on purpose, to ride our bikes, play street hockey or other sports, play with friends, hang out. Now a days we have everything at our finger tips. We have a phone, camera, photo album, calculator, mini computer, movie player (through streaming services), calendar, alarm clock, games, flash light, email, banking abilities, internet, and so much more. Its funny looking back at a show like Star Trek the original series how they had communicators, hand held devices you spoke to people with. I still think of them sometimes when I have the speaker on during a conversation on my phone. Still haven't got the transporters down yet, or at least that they are telling us about yet. The things we are capable of now though is still quite impressive, for awhile now they have thought controlled arms and legs. Perhaps not to the level in Sci-Fi movies but still quite amazing. We have artificial intelligence(AI), a hot topic of whether or not we should even be messing with such a thing. There is however no going back with it now though as it is available online to write anything you want. Though its data banks are only updated to late 2021. It can however create works of art, or any kind of image you desire based on text description. That still depends on the persons ability to use their own words to get it to create what they want. The seemingly only thing holding that aspect of it back, as some people will be better than others at that, for now. They have highly intelligent AIs out there they are gearing for conversation abilities with humans to the point some people may not even realize that it is not another person they are speaking with. Some of the best AIs can think so fast the whole population of the planet would take some where in the ball park of 200 days + to process what some AIs can in a matter of seconds. That is scary for the ones who don't truly understand the AI. Such as myself who still to this day whenever I hear the world AI or super computer, my first thought is Skynet. For whoever doesn't get that reference then shame on you, lol. There is a lot of good that can come from AI there is no doubt, be it for medical purposes or saving lives in a different matter. We just need to have some kind of contingency plan for any possible bad. We after all are just human and there is always room for human error, or in extreme cases human malice or intent. Now when our grandchildren are the ones running the planet just imagine all those features I listed before on our cell phones that will seem like a dinosaur of technology just like the VHS. Google it kids.

#opinion post #AI opinion #technology #old days

[hacker-willie-manifesto]

what your favorite julie and the phantoms ship says about you:

content warnings for: swearing, sex mention (if you've seen ms. doubleca5t's ship videos, nothing worse than those)

ruke (reggie/luke): you are bisexual

nickinald (nick/reggie): you are EXTREMELY bisexual

luke/bobby: you want luke to be bi but you can't STAND ruke or lalex

luke/carrie: you were there when lilac went on a 1k rant about how this relationship could work in a battle of the bands au and you're still not over it

juke (julie/luke): there's two options here: either you stan julie molina to, like, an absurd degree, or you're still bitter that penelope garcia and derek morgan never got together.

nick/julie: you don't get what all the hate is about, nick's fedoras are great.

nick/luke: you are a firm believer that the best way to deal with a love triangle is by ignoring the axis. you probably have trans headcanons for both of these characters

nick/julie/luke: you hate making decisions

julie/carrie: you think sharpay evans deserved more nuance

carrie/flynn: you're always a slut for enemies to loves

double trouble (flynn/julie): you've had enough of these fucking white boys g-d DAMN it

carrie/julie/flynn: this is just the same joke as julie/flynn but even more so

carrie/kayla: you're always a slut for starting a band together

polycandi, polycurve, and polyphantoms: this is the same joke as carrie and kayla but like even more so

caleb/ray: looking back at your childhood, you can pinpoint disney's hades as the beginning of your crippling addiction to queercoded villains, OR you just want to fuck dads.

caleb/trevor: you were part of the cheesecake discourse and would die for ernesto

caleb/tia victoria: you watch telenovelas

caleb/willie: you're just here for some big musical numbers

willex (willie/alex): you believe in keeping things wholesome and sticking to canon

lalex (luke/alex): you... shipped johnlock

if i missed your ship, feel free to drop it in a reblog and i'll happily roast you ^_^

#julie and the phantoms #jatp #juke #willex #ruke #lalex #i have so much salt rn #needed to channel it somewhere other than my journal #cw swearing #cw sex mention

[yostresswritinggirl]

If you're plate isn't too full, can I request a couple of fluffy hc's about Albedo with a photographer! s/o? Like, his s/o enjoys taking pictures of the environment and etc, and even take pictures of Albedo whenever he just does stuff, and Albedo enjoys sketching then whenever they just do a whole picture spree- they even exchange pictures too

Yes, my plate is too full and I'm confused why you guys don't see the request closed thingy in my description. But does it look like I care? No, I miss writing for Albedo and you're getting Albedo NOW-

Sepia Times

Albedo with a Photographer!S/O headcanons/scenarios... (event masterlist)

Ever since Fontaine released their newest device called Kamera, you had been so adamant in getting ahold of one that you ended up going on a travel spree to the said nation. Not even waiting for the shipment to Mondstadt, you left a quickly written note of your whereabouts before you left.

Spontaneous as ever, Albedo thought to himself as his grip on the note tightens with worry.

Luckily, three days later, you hailed from the Hydro Archon's land with your newest prized possession in hand. Triumphant and giddy, both of your lives changed drastically from there.

Albedo first and foremost, almost dismantled your Kamera. Actually he may have already done so behind your back, he was just caught the last time. He was really curious of its machinations and wanted to reverse engineer it.

He only ever lived because he was fast enough to reassemble it and show you that it still works. If not, you were already charging at him to throw hands. You did not travel for three days just for the Kamera to be broken. Whether he found what he was looking for or not, he's not allowed to touch it until he gets his own when the supply reaches Mondstadt.

Knowing your excitement, Albedo takes a sudden day off to accompany you in your Kamera spree, his own canvas and easel under his arm to also channel his artistic energy.

In just a day you managed to take 20 pictures, about to run out of film in just a day. Everytime you snap a picture, you gravitate to where Albedo is stationed to show off what you got like a crow and its shiny rocks. He finds it very endearing, stating his honest honey-covered opinion that makes you overjoyed enough to energize you to snap another, better picture.

The Alchemist sees the appeal of the Kamera and how immediate the replication of the image is. But he still glorifies the art of painting. He may not be able to capture constantly moving subjects but he can capture any detail he wants emphasized unlike the limited rasterization of a photo like that.

He watches you from afar as you skip over to different places and objects, face blooming with wonder as you position your device to snap. He dons a smile when you pull out the photo and wait for the image to materialize, and produce a chuckle when you sprint over to him to show the product. It's like your routine you developed in just a day.

So at times when he needs it the most, he will steal borrow your Kamera to snap a quick picture of something fast moving that he needs to observe immediately or wish to sketch/paint in detail in the future. One of the photos he had hidden for himself had a picture of you in your natural photographer environment as you dash around to look for a scene to capture while you wait.

What's it for? Well he made it into a more intricate painting during his spare time, presenting it to you with the little image taped at the top right corner. It was so beautiful that when outsiders were to see it after they were granted to access his office/laboratory, they always ask for the price for it. Something he adamantly refuses with the coldest glare the Alchemist can make. The negotiations usually end there.

Whenever he was far and you couldn't follow, like Dragonspine for example (the Kamera was still in development so cold temperatures might risk both the device and the processing), you always send him a picture for his thoughts. Either by asking Sucrose, Timaeus or the Traveler if they were en route to his camp, of course.

As you send one to him daily, Albedo started to look forward to your little mail every time. They range from very beautiful sights he hasn't seen before, images of the people of Mond who looks to be greeting him, or of you and the things that would remind him of you.

He keeps a haphazardly strewn journal for it, and in his camp was a board of his favorite picks, and all images of you are tacked on it. The Traveler enjoys watching his cold teal eyes light up whenever he brings the daily image, watching the picture board grow as Albedo tacks the latest one in with obvious pride and joy.

When he comes back to Mond, he brings with him his most beautiful piece from Dragonspine. You'd know it's special because everything is painted in detail, even the most unimportant parts of it. It's his gift for your little photo exchange and you have it put up on wall somewhere in your house.

When he gets his own Kamera, it was his turn to drag you to his photography spree. A little one-sided competition happens between you two where you try to one up the quality of his pictures, sometimes successful and sometimes you don't really... understand what he's doing, as he captures the strangest images.

Albedo uses his solar isotoma when you want to use it for better angles. Very supportive, as you'd hear a snap from beneath as you position your own Kamera.

The whole of Mond muses at both of your antics; as you two would most likely do the finger frame thingy impulsively when seeing something worth the attention, the people around you would chuckle at how cute you two looked, focused on your own little world.

He always gifts you extra films or anything related to photography when he can. Since he barely has time to go out sometimes, he has many backup gifts in bulk to whip out if ever he wants to pamper you with his material affection. Albedo is hyperaware of your hyperfixation and will always bring films the moment you run out, like foresight.

You can barely understand Albedo, despite the closeness you two had, he was still an enigma in most occasions. This was one of them. He had been binging on photography lately and everytime you look through the photos he captured, it didn't really make sense. The most random pictures that you wouldn't even dare use a film on strewn here and there, sometimes the photo is even cut off, and you'd think it was a mistake until he started organizing them in a system only he knows.

When you finally gathered up the courage to ask what all of it was about for, you were given a smile as cryptic as his album.

But as he pulls your hand with an excitement you've only seen when his chemical solution produces the expected buff, you somehow deduced that today would be the day you'd find out what the heck he was up to.

"It took longer than I expected it to be," he says as he starts unlocking a room in the Knights of Favonius HQ that you've never been in before, "but the end result was worth it."

Your confusion only grows as you were met with a face full of hanging pictures, most of it you recognize. Leaning over some and looking up on the higher ones, the amount of string and the confusing way they were set up, amazes you still with the amount of effort he had been using on such a big project.

Your untrained eyes loosely guess around 1000 films used for this.

The glass double doors that makes it way to the balcony opens loudly behind you. "Come here," you turn to see Albedo's silhouette open his arms against the setting sun behind him. "You're supposed to look at it from this distance." His arms engulfs you gently when you moved over, sending a gentle squeeze before he turns you back around to see the hanging pictures.

You gasp.

The depth and the splash of colors from this distance, aided with the sun, turned the hanging collage into an expertly placed collage as it shows you the bigger picture: a mold of your face of the first sketch Albedo made when you first met each other. The angles and colors measured to the dot to capture and replicate your beauty.

You feel his lips kiss the back of your head as you stared in awe.

Impromptu Albedo fluff yey

@albaedhoe @struggljng @heisenwurst @moaa @dandelion-dreams @witchsungie @lehra @zelos-simp @legionqueensav @snackgod @rxsalinee @cala-ran @wind-wheel @lilydewi22 @yellowflowre @traveler-lumine @nonniechan @creation-magician @hanniejji

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #Albedo x Reader #genshin impact Albedo #exile.goblet #exile.flower #sojourner specials #gender neutral #fluffyyyyy #genshin impact headcanons

[backtobackbakubabe]

Speak Easy Part 12

Dabi x Reader , Bakugo x Reader

Words : 4221

Masterlist

Reader has a siren quirk and has spent the past several years of her life as a captive being experimented on by “heroes” Now that she’s out she needs protection and safe place to heal. Who will be the one to put her pieces back together.

Words with ‘this’ is dialogue written in her journal rather than said out loud and and words with ~this~ is dialogue said in sign language rather than out loud.

***********************************************************************

It had been a little over a week since the incident in the parking lot. You were more than eager to start your training with Dabi, but he kept insisting you needed to fully heal your ribs first.

Today you weren’t taking no for an answer. You had used your new fancy collar to call Katsuki and ask him to bring you some things. He made a few comments about not being your personal errand bitch, but he agreed none the less.

You were flipping through channels as you lounged on the couch when the doorbell rang.

Dabi immediately went on the offensive, hands lighting up as walked over to the security monitor to check the cameras. You made a mad dash for the front door. You knew it was Katsuki and you wanted to get to him before Dabi did.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Dabi’s hand that wasn’t currently on fire reached out to try and grab you as you ran by, but you easily avoided it.

“Relax it’s for me! It’s just Katsuki.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?” You could hear how annoyed he was, but this is what he gets for refusing to start your training.

You opened the door to an equally annoyed looking Katsuki. “Hey! Did you bring the stuff I asked for?”

He rolled his eyes, “Do you think I’d come all the way out here if I didn’t” He handed you a gym bag that was way heavier than he made it look. You took it from him and almost toppled over with how heavy it was.

He smirked as he grabbed your elbow to steady you. “So… you’re getting back into shape? You know I wouldn’t mind training with you like we used to. You were always a good work out.”

You beamed at him, “Seriously? That would be awesome! Dabi said he doesn’t want to.”

Dabi growled in displeasure, “Oh fuck off. I never said that. I’m going to train with you AFTER your ribs are done healing.” He pointed to the bag that was now slung over your shoulder. “What’s in the bag?”

You started backing up towards your room. “Just some work out stuff. You know so Katsuki and I can start training.” You sprinted towards the room before Dabi could argue with you.

“FUCKING BRAT!” Dabi rolled his eyes before looking at an amused Bakugo. “I swear to god If you show up here unannounced one more fucking time, I’ll move us somewhere far away where you can’t find us.”

Bakugo crossed his arms over his chest and huffed, “Yeah good luck with that. Besides I was invited.” He gave Dabi a shit eating grin. “I know she only called me to get under your skin. She wanted something, you said no, and now here I am giving her what she wanted.” He shrugged, “And I’ll keep giving her what she wants. Again and Again. As long as I have to.”

Dabi’s nostrils flared as he attempted to keep his temper in check. “Sounds pretty pathetic if you ask me.”

Dabi expected that to light Bakugo’s infamous short fuse, but instead the man just chuckled. “No pathetic is what you’re going to be after she’s done with you.” Bakugo took a step closer and lowered his voice. “Take it from someone who trained with her almost every day for years… She will chew you up and spit you out.” He gave Dabi a cocky grin, “I wasn’t kidding when I said she was a good workout. I almost wish I had time to stick around and watch her kick your ass.” He checked his watch, “If she hurries I might have time to watch for a little while.”

“First you listen to us have sex, now you want to watch us work out. You are such a little perv.”

Bakugo opened his mouth but before he could make a retort you were skipping back into the living room doing a little twirl to show off your new workout clothes. You wore a matching burgundy sports bra and biker shorts, brand new black sneakers, and to Dabi’s surprise your collar. “Thank you so much Katsuki! They fit perfectly, even the sports bra!”

Dabi’s eyes cut to Bakugo’s, “Like I said… Perv.”

“My parents work in fashion idiot.” He rolled his eyes before turning back to you and giving you a genuine smile. “You look good. Remember to stretch, drink lots of water, and do a proper cool down. It’s been a long time since you worked out. Don’t try and go all plus ultra your first time.”

You returned his smile, “No promises. But I will try to go easy.” You leaned over and started to stretch giving Dabi and excellent view of your ass in your compression shorts. He was mesmerized by the way your muscles stretched and flexed under your skin. He knew you were strong, but he was about to find out how strong.

His eyes were glued to your ass until an annoying blonde boy cleared his throat. “What was that about me being a perv?” Bakugo quirked an eyebrow at Dabi. “If you can’t even watch her stretch… then you won’t stand a chance fighting her.”

Dabi scoffed, “No offense to you doll, but I think I have a little more composure then your pervy little friend here.”

You finished up your stretching and made your way to the backyard. “I don’t know… Katsuki may have struggled at first. But by the time we graduated he got really good at thwarting my attacks.” You gave Dabi a cocky smirk as the boys joined you in the yard. “I hope you’re ready because I can honestly say I’ve been looking forward to this for a while.”

Bakugo took a seat in one of the pool chairs and kicked his feet up like he was about to watch a movie, “And so have I.” He chuckled as he leaned back putting his hands behind his head, “It’s a shame Icy Hot’s not here to see this.”

You loved that Katsuki was so confident in you, but it was also making you really nervous. If the parking lot fight was any indictor, your fighting skills weren’t as sharp as they used to be. You slowly made your way to stand across from Dabi who was doing everything in his power to look unaffected and bored. His only give away was the subtle way his fingers twitched with your every movement.

You cracked your knuckles and took a fighting stance, “I’m not going easy on you.”

The look in your eyes was enough to make Dabi want to kneel at your feet. You looked dangerous and determined. You looked like a queen ready to hand out a death sentence. He closed his eyes for a brief second to collect his thoughts and in those few seconds you dove at him sweeping his feet out from under him.

You could hear Bakugo laughing loudly from his chair, “She hasn’t even activated her quirk yet and you’re already jelly!”

You quickly rolled on top of him using your knee to pin his shoulder down. You activated your quirk, “See isn’t it just easier to submit to me? You could just let me tie you up and-“

Your words swam around in his head, it was the only thing he could concentrate on. He could think of nothing else other pleasing you. Doing what you said. You were right after all. It would be so much easier to just lay here with you. He didn’t even want to fight you to begin with. NO! This wasn’t right. You wouldn’t get any better if he didn’t try. He couldn’t give up so easily.

His hand came up and covered your mouth rolling over and pining you down. “Damnit that’s freaky.” He was still trying to clear his head when your tongue darted out from between your lips and started licking his palm.”

Bakugo was practically hollering over in his chair, “Oh you fucked up now!”

Dabi’s hand started to go numb. “Wait what? What the HELL! I thought it was only if I like drank your blood or some weird shit like that! How- How are you-”

Your eyes locked with his and you began a mental battle of trying to push into his head. You hand pressed into his side and started to overwhelm him with feelings of regret. You found it was the easiest way to break someone. Lots of people could push through pain. Lots of people push through lust. But regret was an emotion that ate away at a person over time. It only grew and festered until it drove people crazy. You saw a flash of fear in his eyes and you could only imagine what memories it was bringing up. This was supposed to be fun. You didn’t want to traumatize him, so you changed tactics.

Things were about to get really uncomfortable for Katsuki.

You switched up the emotion you were flooding him with to desire, and almost immediately regretted it. His hips snapped forward of their own accord as a growl left his lips. “Fuck! You really want to do this in front of blondie?”

You saw his composure start to slip and you used it to push past that last mental barrier. “Sumbit DABI!” You clouded his head with memories of the two of you making love and pushed harder, “Submit to me. Come on baby I know you want to.”

Dabi’s hold started to loosen, but once again he was hyper aware that this was you underneath him. His goal was to protect you. Giving in now wouldn’t help. He needed to help. So he started repeating that like a life-saving mantra in his head, “I can’t give up, I can’t give up, I can’t give up.”

You snapped out of his head so quickly that is startled you. “What the-?”

Dabi jumped away from you and scurried backwards. “Come on baby girl. You got to do better than that? You thought making me horny would cloud my judgement? I’m basically horny all the time around you.” He got to his feet, dismayed that not only was his hand still numb but he couldn’t seem to get his quirk to work in that hand either. “Your quirk won’t always be able to save you. Fight me one on one. No quirks.”

You jumped to your feet as well. “Oh, but I thought we were trying to not hurt my ribs?” He could hear the sass in your voice, and it made him want to spank you. He used the hand that wasn’t currently paralyzed to create a ring of blue fire around the two of you. He focused on the sound of flames, the way it smelled as it burned the ground below. He looked at you but not in the eye.

You dove out of the way as he swung at you. It was like a dance between the two of you. His attacks came at you full force and it was all you could do just to avoid him. You were permanently on the defense. You could seem to catch your breath long enough to switch to offensive. You were getting tired and your sore ribs were screaming at you to stop. But you couldn’t. You needed to push through it. He must have seen the way you were wincing because his eyes darted to your ribs.

You screeched as he started to shrink the circle, dragging you closer to him. “You weren’t complaining about your ribs when I bent you over the kitchen counter last night.” He shrank the circle even more. You reached out desperately to touch him, but he moved out of the way. Swatting your hands away at every move. The fire was getting closer and you were starting to panic. He could see it on your face. He reached out and grabbed the back of your head and pulled you to him. Intentionally locking eyes with you. “There is nothing you could show me, say to me, or make me feel, that would break me.” Your hands darted out and cupped his cheeks. You tried to fill him with fear, but in your panicked state his emotions overwhelmed yours instead.

All you could feel was determination, defensiveness, fondness, and a deep-rooted need to protect. You locked eyes with him again this time you knew his weakness. You stared him in the eyes with yours full of fear. The blue fire inched closer and closer until it singed your back and you screamed out in pain.

There was horror in Dabi’s eyes as he looked at his hands. “I’m not doing this. Y/n! Y/n I promise I’m not doing this. He attempted to extinguish his flames, but they only got hotter and closer.

You were sobbing into his chest now. “Please put them out… please!” Your screams echoed in his ears and the only thing he could do was panic. He was hurting you. It was his quirk and yet he couldn’t stop it. “DABI IT HURTS!”

The pain in your voice was like a cold water in his veins. It pushed him into action as he managed to finally retract his quirk. He felt the flames smother out, he heard your soft sniffles. But something didn’t make sense… There’s no way Bakugo would have let this happen.

All of the sudden his eyes snapped open and you were sitting on top of him. Perfectly fine. It took him a minute to register what had just happened. “I didn’t mean to play dirty, but you’re one hard dude to crack.”

He gripped the back of your neck and pulled you down to him and smothered you with a kiss. When he pulled back your face was red, and your expression was flustered. “I’m just happy you’re okay.” He pulled you to him as he rocked you back and forth. “I thought I hurt you. Shit….” He pulled you away from him and gave you a stern look, “You’re a fucking asshole for that. What is your problem?! I already have fucking nightmares about this shit and you want to make it worse?!”

You didn’t know if you should feel ashamed or laugh. “Look I said I’m sorry! I knew that was the quickest way to get you to submit! Psychological warfare is my specialty.” His eyes remained cold, but his hands were reassuring as they traveled up and down your back. You pushed some of his sweaty hair away from his face. “I can admit I went a little too far.”

“I’m leaving before this gets too fucking sappy!” Bakugo patted your head. “Good job. You’re definitely a little rusty, but better than I thought you’d be.” He gave Dabi a sly smile, “As much as I enjoyed watching you toy with staples, I want to spar with you next time I’m here. For old times sake.”

You wiped some sweat off of your forehead as you nodded at him, “Okay! I’d love that. Maybe you could teach Dabi some of our old combo attack. Your quirks are a little similar, so some of them might work.”

Bakugo shrugged, “I doubt he could pull them off like I can, but we can try if that’s what you want.”

You nodded enthusiastically looking from Bakugo to Dabi. You were still sitting in his lap and he was suddenly feeling very territorial. His arms reached out and caged you to him, “If it’s going to end up in a pissing contest, I don’t want any part of it.”

You rolled your eyes, “Don’t be so broody. Gosh it’s times like this that you remind me of your brother.”

Dabi shoved you off his lap and started to make his way back to the house. “I’m not fucking broody. You literally just made me think I was burning you alive. So, forgive me if I need some time to get my shit together.”

He brushed past a smug looking Bakugo, “I tried to warn you. She’s ruthless man. I am impressed you figured out her loophole so quickly. Once you focus on a concrete goal it’s easier to tune her quirk out. I wonder what your goal was?”

Dabi glared at him, “Don’t you have someplace you need to be?”

Bakugo sighed, “Yeah, I’m actually going out of town. So, I won’t be back for a little while. I think Icy Hot wants to come visit soon though.” He nudged you with his foot. “So, you behave until I get back.”

You waved as he made his way back into the house, “No promises! Be safe on your trip!”

A few minutes of silence passes while Dabi still stood with his arms crossed refusing to look at you. “How long are you going to pout?”

“I’m not pouting. I’m resisting the urge to bend you over my knee, spank you, and edge you until you cry.” He finally looked at you, eyes not looking nearly as angry as his voice sounded. “But as a rational adult, I think I just might go drink until I forget what you made me see.”

You wrapped your arms around his middle and pressed your face into his back. “I’m sorry. I took it too far.” Your hands snaked under his shirt and pressed to his abs. You released a calm and content feeling. He immediately sank into your touch.

His breath hitched, “While I appreciate what you’re trying to do. I’d rather you not use your quirk on me right now.”

You reached up on your tippy toes and kissed the back of his neck. “Wanna go cuddle and watch TV?”

He took your hand from under his shirt and pulled you with him back into the house. “None of that romance shit.”

That’s how you ended up on the couch with Dabi laying on top of you with his head nuzzled into your breasts. His arms were tight around your middle and your fingers slowly trailed through his hair. You knew how exhausting it was for people when you messed around with their heads. It’s exhausting and disorienting, and while you weren’t at full capacity yet, you still had gone a little rough on Dabi today. You traced patterns on his shirtless back, and you listened to his steady breathing. He had passed out halfway into the first episode of whatever show he had insisted you watch.

You still had a lot of work to do to get back into shape. Not just with your quirk but physically as well. Dabi was right when he said you couldn’t rely on your quirk for everything. You’d have to start building your strength and stamina. You had a feeling Dabi might be hesitant to train with you again any time soon, but maybe you could convince him to do some cardio or something.

You softly chuckled as you imagined what kind of cardio he would have in mind. You felt him stir on your chest, his eyes remaining shut as he burrowed further into your chest. “What’s so funny?”

Your fingers kept playing with the ends of his hair. “What would you say if I asked you to do some cardio with me?”

He rolled over a little bit and bit your nipple through your shirt. “I’d say why are you still dressed.”

He was honestly adorable when he was this sleepy. It was the only time he seemed vulnerable. “I meant like going for a run.” His face scrunched up and your hand froze in his hair. “Oh, does that not sound like fun?”

His hand grabbed yours that had stopped, and forced it to keep running through his hair. “Not at all. Especially when there’s way better ways to get your cardio in…” He started kissing your chest, and then your neck. His hands moved to your ass picking it up off the couch to slot himself deeper between your legs. “We should test how far we can push you until your collar alerts me that you might need help.”

His fingers found the waistband of your shorts and started to pull them down. You hummed as his lips continued to mouth kisses at your neck. He was very affectionate and its not that you didn’t like it, you just felt like something was still bothering him. “Hey Dabi? What did you mean earlier when you said you had nightmares?”

He growled as he picked his head up to look at you, “You really know how to ruin the mood don’t you?”

You quirked an eyebrow at him, “We said we were going to open up more remember?” He shoved his head back to its spot on your chest, using you breasts as pillows.

“Ever since the pool incident… I get nightmares. I’m sure it fucked you with you too. I basically killed you. I honestly don’t know how you even come near me.” His voice was muffled and his grip on you tightened. “Today… what you did outside… please don’t ever do that again. I’m already a monster. I have enough nightmare fuel as it is. I’ve done really fucked up things and I can handle facing most of my demons. But whether I like it or not, you are definitely a soft spot for me.”

He kissed your neck as he made his way down lifting your shirt as he went. “You have gotten under my skin.” He kissed right above your still slightly sore ribs. “You have knocked down my walls.” His fingers found the waistband of your shorts again and yanked them down. “You drive me fucking crazy.”

In a burst of speed, he had your knees over his shoulders and your ass lifted in his hands. He kissed the inside of you left knee followed by the right. His kisses trailed down to the inside of your thigh giving it quick bite that had your hips bucking.

“I know that blonde idiot has confessed his feeling to you.” His thumb started rubbing circles into your clit. “So, I need you to know. That you are more than just a way to pass the time.” You felt a finger press at your entrance. “You are more than just some girl I’m supposed to protect.” His fingers plunged into you and started pumping. “You are more than some infatuation.” His fingers curled, hitting that spot inside you making you cry out. “You are more than I ever thought I deserved.” He gave your clit a hard lick. “But I have you now and I don’t fucking intend on losing you.”

Your fingers knotted in his hair as he began sucking your clit while he fucked you with his fingers. You instinctively knew how he felt. Of course you did, you’ve felt his emotions before. But to hear him say it made your heart skip, it made your head spin. He ate you out like he hadn’t eaten in days. One hand reached up and started pulling on your nipple and you lost it. Your hipped bucked up harshly and your legs shook. You came hard and he continued to lap up every last drop, riding you through it until you finally collapsed back onto the couch.

He grinned up at you, his chin still slick, “Good giiiiirl.” He sucked his fingers into his mouth cleaning them off before reaching for his belt. “Now let’s do some of that cardio you were begging for.”

Dabi was pressing his dick at your entrance when the doorbell rang.

You both froze.

Your shorts were yanked back up as Dabi grabbed his phone to check the security system. You watched his eyes narrow at his screen before his nostrils flared. “What the fuck!” Before you could even ask who it was the front door opened and in walked Shoto who apparently had his own key.

“Oh… Am I… Interrupting something?” He closed the door behind him, “Bakugo said he told you I was coming.”

“HE SAID SOON! NOT TODAY!” Dabi threw a pillow at his younger brother, obviously pissed off about the interruption.

Shoto ignored him and made himself comfortable on the recliner next to you. “Oh, well I wasn’t planning on coming today, but there’s been some developments you need to be aware of.”

You reluctantly sat up and separated from Dabi so he could face his brother. Dabi sighed as he gestured for Shoto to continue.

“There’s several people who are avidly looking for you. And some of them have gotten too close for comfort. That’s actually what Bakugo is doing right now. He’s hunting down a lead. He’s hoping to catch some of these so-called heroes in the act so we can start dismantling their accusations against you.”

The smell of smoke filled your nostrils as Dabi’s temper started showing. “What do you mean they’ve gotten close? How close? How many of them are looking?”

Shoto gave you a sad look. “They’ve made it a top priority. Your agency released a bounty to the underground. It seems every villain and crooked hero is currently looking for you. Shigaraki is one of them… and he somehow has a list of all of your safehouses.”

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Tags: tags: @falling4fandoms @wifunozomi @here-in-never-land @whore-for-anime @klecksstorys @aurorahoneybuns @theunknownrandom @insane-without-delirium @frenchsfryys @officiallydarkgeek @neofixcs @music-is-all-i-need @katsuki-bakubabe @unadulteratedtastemakerpoetry @dabislittlemouse @aimee1602@pinkhatlizzy @kunaigirlx44 @nii-sanfucker@bestgirlb @silver-stardrop@bakubby99 @squichymochi

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[alittlextrathatway]

Penelope/Colin: “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t leave.”

YAY SOMETHING BESIDES BRETTSEY. (Not that I don’t love them.) I’ve never written Polin before! I’m excited to play! 🙌🏻 Thank you!

How about a modern AU for this one? Just cause.

******

It all started because of the pandemic.

He’d been perfectly happy traveling. It’s not like he had anything else to occupy his time. He wasn’t particularly talented and he didn’t have any hobbies or interests. Aside from eating but he doubted his mother would approve of him becoming one of those professional hot dog eaters and he didn’t care enough for the piddly portions of fine dining to become a food critic.

The only thing that truly distracts him from his lack of drive or ambition is traveling — learning about the world and it’s many cultures.

He has journal after journal full of his discoveries and experiences. Travel is really his only love.

Which is why he’d stopped and started his studies so many times. He took a year between high school and college to backpack through Europe. Then another year after freshman year to “study abroad”, not that he actually studied. Which is why his mother forced him to come back and finish his third year stateside. After that, he’d set off traveling again. Every year he found another excuse not to come home for any longer than a month or two, allowing him to put off his final year.

It’s not as if he’s getting a degree in anything useful. He’s an English major. And it’s not as if his career isn’t already decided for him. Upon graduation he’ll be given an office at Bridgerton Family Publishing. Doing what? Well, no one knows. Not even him.

So, what’s the rush?

He’d still be gone abroad right now if not for COVID forcing him to return home. God, he hates 2020. What a waste of a year. He came home too late for the spring 2020 term so he’s spent the last several months going absolutely crazy.

He’s a man of the world who is not being allowed to go out and see it. He can’t imagine anything more cruel.

Actually, no, he takes that back. There’s one thing:

Using the time he’s forced to stay in Mayfair to discover he’s completely and stupidly in love with his little sister’s best friend.

The friend who overheard him, last time he was home for any considerable length of time, declaring to his brothers that he would never be interested in her.

Because, of course, Colin Bridgerton is a colossal jackass who doesn’t know a good thing when it’s been staring him in the face his entire life.

There’s laughter coming from the direction of the foyer. Very distinctive laughing. One high and tinkling like a pretty little bell and the other deeper and hoarser. The alto to the other’s soprano. The alto in this case is his younger sister, Eloise, and the soprano is Penelope.

The woman he should have noticed long before now.

He gets up from where he’s lounging on the sofa, mournfully watching the Travel Channel, and takes his plate full of sandwiches with him.

He finds them giggling and applying lipstick in the mirror by the front door. They look dressed to go out. Eloise in her slick tailored pant suit and intricately adorned lace top, in monochromatic lavender. And Penelope in…

Holy shit, what is that?

Apparently, it’s the instrument of his imminent death if the erratic beating of his heart is any indication. He’s going to have some sort of attack and go into cardiac arrest right here in the foyer of his childhood home.

It’s a tight forest green dress that has an off the shoulder neckline. It hugs her curves so perfectly that he thinks someone must have sewn it onto her. It shows the perfect amount of skin along her neck and shoulders, giving just a tiny glimpse of cleavage.

And she’s had a haircut since she was here yesterday. Her ginger locks now rest against her cheeks in a wavy stylish bob. She was beautiful before. He was never blind to that as some other people around Pen have proven to be, but now...

She’s absolutely stunning.

So stunning that other people will surely see what he sees. And he’s grateful for that, truly. She deserves to be seen as she is — brilliant and beautiful — but that means he’s about to have competition while trying to win her over. And he is not grateful for that.

He’s been trying to be more forward with her when they’re alone but that doesn’t happen often and he’s not sure Penelope takes him very seriously. (No one does.) She seems to always be in disbelief when he flirts with her.

“Where are you two off to?” He asks, leaning against the wall opposite the mirror.

“Double date,” Eloise says, fluffing her hair in the mirror. “Pen arranged it. She met someone extremely gorgeous at the library today.”

Penelope blushes and grins demurely. “It’s the magic of a fresh cut,” she says motioning to her new hair. “He was there with his friend and we were all scrambling for resources for our bibliographies together and he asked if I wanted to get dinner and I asked if Eloise could come. No big deal.”

“It doesn’t look as if it’s not a big deal,” Colin observes, his gaze sweeping over Penelope from head to toe.

“His father owns that new super exclusive restaurant Kate’s been begging Anthony to take her too. You know, La Table Gourmande?” Eloise explains.

“The one that told Anthony the next available reservation was in two months? That restaurant?” Colin asks, trying not to scowl.

Really, there was no need for this guy to show off. He seems a bit full of himself.

“That’s the one,” Penelope replies with a nod. “He says he can get us the Chef’s table tonight. I’ve never done anything like that before. It sounds exciting. Might be the closest I ever get to authentic French cuisine. For a while anyway.”

Okay, so now he feels like a heel for wanting to keep her from going out. He knows he’s lucky his family is so well off. It allows him to travel. Penelope’s family, while not destitute, has spent most of their surplus funds putting three daughters, soon to be a fourth, through school. In fact, if not for a distant rich aunt who died they wouldn’t even have been able to afford that.

Any money Penelope used to travel would have to be her own, and he isn’t sure how much of that she has.

“Pen,” Eloise calls, interrupting Colin’s thoughts. “Have you seen my clutch? Did I bring it down?”

“I don’t see it anywhere,” Penelope says with a shake of her head. “Did you leave it on your dresser?”

Eloise groans in irritation, turning toward the main staircase of their massive house. “I guess I did. I’ll be right back.”

Finally, they’re alone. Colin clears his throat and sets the plate of sandwiches he’d been snacking on down on the hall table. He crosses the space until he’s standing mere inches away from her.

“Don’t go out tonight. I can take you somewhere else. Somewhere better,” Colin suggests.

“Better?” Penelope asks skeptically.

He nods. “I have a friend who opened a restaurant here that I met while I was in Nice. It’s smaller than that La Table Gourmand monstrosity and not quite considered fine dining but it’s real. It’s better. It’ll be closer to actually being in France than anything in that obnoxious place.”

“I don’t see why I can’t go with Marcus tonight and then you some other time,” she tells him, lifting one perfect brow and pursing her lips.

“This guy sounds like a prick,” Colin says with a scoff. “Bragging about his father’s connections on the first date? That’s not a good sign, Pen. Trust me, I know these things. I’m a guy.”

“Maybe,” she says with a shrug, a small knowing grin on her lips. “But I think I should decide that for myself. Don’t you?”

That grin…

She knows exactly what he’s trying to do.

She’s being difficult on purpose.

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t leave,” she challenges him, continuing to grin smugly.

Well, if that’s the game she wants to play then so be it.

“Why waste a night figuring out what I already know when you could just let me take you out instead for what, we both know, would be a better time?” Colin asks, caressing the length of Penelope’s arm with a light tender touch.

She sucks in a breath at the contact, but doesn’t show any weakness in her expression. “Yes, but going out with Marcus would be a date that might actually lead to something. What would be the purpose of ditching a real date for you instead?”

“Oh, you want it to lead to something?” He asks, a smirk growing on his face as he backs her up toward the wall.

“Y—yes,” she stammers, her grin slipping as nerves shine in her eyes.

Her back hits the wall and he brings one hand to her cheek, cupping her face and trailing his thumb along her cheekbone.

He leans down, nearly closing the distance between them but stops just short of kissing her. “Come out with me, Pen, and you can choose where it leads. I’ll give you whatever future I have, even if I have no idea what it is. You set the terms, you call the shots.”

Her eyes widen and her cheeks flush but she instinctively leans into his hand. Call him a cocky bastard, but that’s the moment he knows he’s won. The moment he knows she’ll choose him.

“I set the terms?” She asks, biting her bottom lip while she stares at his.

He nods, waiting for the moment she leans up and kisses him.

“Well, then you know what I think?” She asks, rhetorically while she rests a hand on his chest.

“Tell me,” he pleads.

She smiles wickedly and pushes him away by one step. “I think you could do with some healthy competition.”

She sidesteps him and saunters off to the front door, leaving him gaping at her like a fool.

Like a besotted, astonished, completely smitten fool.

Eloise reappears, patting Colin’s shoulder as she follows after Penelope. “Tell mom we’ll be back late.”

They leave, the door shuts, and all he can think is…

Well played, Penelope Featherington.

But the Bridgertons are famously competitive and this game is only just beginning. He’ll win her over yet.

Wait and see.

#bridgerton #colin bridgerton #penelope featherington #polin #fanfiction #my fic #angellwings writes #fanfiction prompt game #ask prompt #long post #SORRY THIS IS LONG FOR A TUMBLR PROMPT 😬 #new ship for me so be gentle 🙏🏻

[fandom-imagines-stories]

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Gif credit @rainbow-motors

Dean Winchester x Reader 

Words: 1518

Summary: Alone on a hunt for the holidays, 19-year-old Dean calls up his childhood friend. 

Notes: I’ve been obsessed with Young Jensen content and I found this gif (Thanks to the creator!) and I really wanted to write something for a younger Dean. Call me lazy, but I didn’t want to include the hunt itself in this one. I thought writing the moments before and after would be cute, so enjoy! (Bit of a mess, but I hope you like it)

Want more Supernatural? Find it HERE

-

“Hey Sammy, it’s me,” Dean started the voicemail grimly. It was the third one he’d left for his younger brother, “I know you’re not happy with me and that’s why you won’t take my calls, but dammit man, I’ll be back as soon as I can. It’s just another hunt Sam. I’ll be back before you can say Hanukkah.” He thought for a moment before finishing. “Merry Christmas, Sammy.” 

He ended the message and tossed his phone on the motel bed with a huff. He knew Sam was pissed about him going on a hunt alone, especially over Christmas, but he didn’t think the silent treatment was going to last this long. Dad gave him an order and he wasn’t going to let him down. 

Dean sat down in front of a pile of books and sighed. He hated the research parts of hunts. He just wanted to kill the son-of-a-bitch. Unfortunately, he wasn’t totally sure what this particular son-of-a-bitch was. Over the course of seven years, 15 kids have gone missing right around Christmas time. No notes, no bodies, nothing. If his dad had any theories, he certainly hadn’t shared them. So research time it was. 

About three hours and two illegally obtained beers later, he had a couple of theories ready. It didn’t seem like a spirit or vampires, and without heartless bodies, it wasn’t a werewolf. Since the disappearances always happened around the holidays, he figured that the creature might have Pagan roots. Either that, or it could be a Grinch of a witch somewhere. Whatever it was, it was sure putting a dent in his holiday. 

Maybe that’s why he dialed the number. Sure, his dad told him he needed to do this on his own, but if it really was some Pagan entity, he wasn’t really sure he could take it on by himself- not that he would ever tell his father that. As far as his dad was concerned, Dean could handle anything that the dark world threw at him. But right now, looking at the Christmas lights through the frosty motel window, he wanted a friend. 

“Jack Frost, can’t say I was expecting a call from you.” Your amused voice made Dean smile. You had the phone wedged between your shoulder and your ear as you painted your toenails Christmas Tree green. Just because you were a badass hunter didn’t mean you couldn’t be festive. 

“Hey Y/N,” Dean chuckled, pushing away from the book covered table and cracking open another beer, “how’ve things been on your side of the Midwest?” 

“Oh, you know, vengeful spirit here, vampire there, nothing too exciting.” You twisted the top back on the polish and hopped off the bathroom counter, being careful when you walked so you didn’t get any polish on the carpet. “Mom’s been off with the twins, trying to give them a little bit of a normal Christmas up in Oregon.” 

“Why aren’t you with them?” Dean wondered. Your family wasn’t like his family. You and your mom somehow made it work. You weren’t usually separated, at least not for long. 

“I had a hunch that someone else was going to be needing me this year.” Dean let out a long, frustrated groan.

“Sam called you, didn’t he?” 

“Sammy boy was worried that you’d have a lonely Christmas so he asked me to hang around in case you needed some help.” You shrugged.

“Hang around? What do you mean hang around?” 

“Come to room 114 and find out Dean-o.” With a smirk, you hung up and waited at the foot of your bed, flipping through channels on the television. You settled on a channel that was playing The Year Without a Santa Claus. 

When you heard the knock on the door you walked on your heels to open it. Dean gave you an annoyed glare, but you could tell he was happy to see you. He barreled passed you, nearly knocking you off balance. 

“Watch the feet!” You whined, pointing at your newly painted toes. Dean rolled his eyes. 

“You painted your toenails?” He scoffed. “What are you? 13?” 

“Don’t be a Scrooge, they look nice.” You had long been able to handle Dean’s snarkiness. 

Your mother had run into John Winchester back in 1990 on a spirit case. Dean was 11, you were 10 and Sam and the twins were about 7. While your parents took down the ghost, you and Dean had to babysit. While he was obnoxious at first, the two of you got along pretty well. You bonded over being the oldest siblings, constantly having to look out for your kid brothers, worrying whether or not your parents would come home, remembering the parent that you’d lost, for Dean, it was his mother to a demon, for you it was your dad to a werewolf. 

After that, John and your mom would sometimes meet up if only to have you and Dean look after the younger kids. You even ended up going to the same high school for a while. Dean was probably the closest thing you had in your monster-hunting world to a best friend. And you, not that he would ever say it, were the closest thing he’d ever had to a crush. 

“I think I may have a lead on what we’re looking for here.” You informed, tossing him your journal. Astonished, Dean scanned the page. 

“How did you-”

“I’ve been researching gods in my free time.” 

“You are such a nerd.” Dean scoffed, taking a closer look at something you wrote. 

“Yeah well this nerd has saved your ass more than a fair share so shut it, Winchester.” You smirked, snatching back your journal. “Based on the case files of the missing kids, I have an idea of who we might be dealing with. Gryla is from Icelandic folklore and she, uh, eats naughty children.” 

“And here I complained about the coal.” Dean grimaced. 

“If we don’t figure out where she is, these kids become Christmas dinner.” While you dove into more research, Dean looked over your shoulder at the TV. 

“Are those puppets?” 

You scrambled to turn off the TV, but Dean stole the remote. 

“It’s a Christmas classic.” You reasoned, feeling yourself turn red. “I watched it with the twins all the time when we were kids.” 

“I think it’s adorable.” He leaned ever so closer to you without realizing it. Like a magnet pulling you together, you found yourself inching closer and closer until-

“Are we going to hunt this thing or not?” You suddenly exclaimed, backing away quickly. He was just kidding around. Dean was always pretty flirty. It was just part of your friendship. He didn’t feel that way about you- the way you felt about him. 

-

You burst through your motel room door, half carrying Dean in with you. In a panicked rush, you sat him down on the bed and scrambled to find your first aid kit. 

“At least we beat the damn thing, right?” Dean smirked before wincing at the pain. His wound wasn’t life threatening, but it sure hurt like a bitch. 

“This is going to hurt.” You warned, turning on the radio to drown out any pained sounds that Dean made. As you cleaned the wound, his eyes were locked on you. You tried not to notice. It was the pain that was making him look at you like that. You covered the wound with a bandage and put a fair distance between the two of you. You hoped he couldn’t see how much you were shaking. 

“Everything okay?” Dean asked. 

“Yeah, yeah everything’s fine, Dean.” You lied, laughing nervously. “I just got kinda freaked out when I saw her attack you.” 

“You sure that’s all that’s bothering you?”

“I thought you were going to die, Dean, I think that’s a sufficient reason to be a little jittery.” Dean got up from his place on the bed and walked towards you. 

“We’ve known each other for how long, Y/N? I can tell when you’re not telling me the whole story.” 

You ignored him, electing to listen to the Christmas music coming from the radio instead. It was one of your favorites. You mouthed the words to yourself. 

“Through the years, we all will be together. If the fates allow.” 

“Fate hasn’t exactly been our friend.” You scoffed. 

“Huh?”

“The song. It says ‘if the fates allow’. Fate doesn’t seem to like us this year.” 

“I don’t believe in all that.” Dean said, shaking his head. “And if I did, it looks like ‘fate’ has had it out for me for the past fifteen years.” 

“Fair enough.” You crossed your arms over your chest, watching snow start to fall outside the window. Neither of you said anything. You both just watched the white flecks tumble down to the earth. You turned around and found him standing right behind you. It didn’t startle you. It felt like he was meant to be close to you. You breathed in slowly before whispering. “Merry Christmas Dean.” 

“Merry Christmas.” 

You didn’t need any mistletoe for what came next. 

#dean winchester x reader #young dean winchester #Happy Holidays #supernatural christmas #supernatural imagines

[vampish-glamour]

I know you're not a self help blog, but do you have any tips regarding how to deal with procrastination? Like a have a very important examen coming in a week and I had the whole year to study for it. And guess what I DIDN'T. And I still don't and I'm gonna fail.

I think I have a problem...

Hi! I’m probably not the best person to ask, because I have a huge problem with procrastination too. Even with stuff I want to do! If there’s a task, I’m almost guaranteed to procrastinate.

It’s really hard not to procrastinate with stuff like what you’re describing; where you have a bunch of time so it’s easy to put things off for later. Trust me, I do this all the time. I’ll go “oh, that’s not until then, I’ll do it later!!” And then I forget about it, often subconsciously on purpose, and the “later” becomes the week or even night before.

First and foremost, break the task apart into smaller tasks!

It’s much easier to get something done if it’s not this huge thing looming over you. So instead of “study for exam”, which is big and overwhelming, and also vague—which makes it easy to ignore or not know where to start, break it down into “read chapter 1 of textbook”, or “read pages 10-15”. Once you’re done that, make it “read chapter 2” or “read pages 16-20”. And just keep doing this until you’ve studied everything you need to study.

This helped me a lot, because now I’m not freaking out about this huge thing that needs to get done, and “holy shit where do I start”. Because I have a starting point, and a roadmap of how I’m going to finish.

I find writing things down helps, because then it’s on paper and not just tucked away in your mind for you to forget. Bullet journals can help with this…

…but if you’re like me, that bullet journal will become useless because you’ll never open it. (Mine has not been touched for months lmao. And since I’m a major perfectionist, setting up pages is very tedious since I turn it into an art project. I’ll try again, but make it as simplistic as possible)

Currently what I have, is a sticky note wall. It’s just the section of wall right next to my desk, and I have little labels to sort things by topic to organize it. So I can just write down tasks that need to get done, slap it underneath the topic it falls under (so for example, your “study for exam” would fall under “school”), and it’s there, staring me in the face. This makes it harder to forget what you have to do.

You could also do this with a bulletin board, but I have one of those and I use it much less than sticky notes. Since it’s just so easy to slap a sticky note up and take it off when you’re done with it, without having to worry about pins lol. My bulletin board is mostly for long term things. But it really comes down to personal preference.

Additionally, I’ve heard people recommend setting yourself deadlines and writing them all down together. Make yourself a planner that you can slap up along with the sticky notes, with set dates that you should have parts of whatever it is you’re doing done by.

With studying, the tasks needed to complete could be page numbers, chapters, topics, etc. So your planner could be pages you need to have read by a certain date, for example.

This isn’t something I have implemented for myself yet, and I mostly do it with the sticky notes. So I’ll break the task down, and write the first little task on the sticky note, then when I complete that task I take it down and replace it with the next one. I find this less overwhelming than having everything laid out in front of me, because it sort of tricks me into feeling like there’s not as much work to be done if I’m just focusing on the smaller tasks instead of the large one. But I do think it would be helpful to have a list of things I need to get done and their deadlines in one place.

And for deadlines, since I don’t have them written down all in one place, I mostly just use personal goals. So I’ll set the goal of “I want to have this done by Tuesday next week” for example, and having that goal can be a bit of motivation.

Tbh this is a bit of a flimsy system though, since it’s not as set in stone as it would be in writing. Which is why I do have the goal of finding a system that works for me where I can have everything in one place. Making lists in a bullet journal worked for me, the only downfalls were my perfectionism and forgetting to actually use the bullet journal. So I’ll work on ways to fix that.

A channel that I’ve found helps with these sorts of problems is HowToADHD. I’m not sure if I have ADHD or not, since I’m going through the diagnosis process, but the tips are helpful anyways. And I do know that people who don’t have it use the channel as a resource, since you can take the tips that apply to you and utilize them. Here’s a video she did on procrastination! She even starts the video off noting that the tips are helpful to both people with and without ADHD. So it really is a helpful tool for anybody.

On that note; if procrastination is a big problem for you to the point that it’s interfering with your daily life, I would recommend seeking out professional help. Because there could be something going on executive dysfunction wise.

Tl;dr/short version of tips;

BREAK THE TASK DOWN INTO SMALLER TASKS. I can’t stress how helpful this has been for me. It gives you a place to start, and makes everything seem much less overwhelming.

Write stuff down!! It’ll help you remember that it’s something you need to get done.

Leave this written form somewhere you can see it! Don’t tuck it away in a drawer, because then you’re going to forget about it and there was no point to writing it down in the first place.

Set yourself deadlines, and write them down so they feel more real and motivate you to get the job done.

Use sticky notes as reminders of what you need to do.

Other options are bulletin boards and bullet journals/planners. Depends on personal preference

Have a list of everything you need to do all in one place (like the bullet journal or planner)

I really hope this wasn’t too all over the place, and that at least some of the advice helps! 💖

I understand what you’re going through, so I hope you can find something that works for you, because procrastination is a bitch to deal with. But there’s ways to manage it, and if the things I’ve suggested don’t work for you, there’s lots of YouTube channels or other resources online (I’m sure there’s even books) that can offer other solutions! Best of luck!! 💕

#asks #xaosminion #I feel this so much because procrastination is a huge weakness of mine

[confusedlamp]

Mental Health Strategies

I have dealt with various mental health BS (anxiety, depression, ADHD), and while I haven't gotten it all figured out, I have been dealing with it for well over a decade now. I figured I would make a list of coping mechanisms that have helped me and are worth trying out if you haven't already. None of these things are “magic” (just try this and your brain will be all fixed!),  and obviously not applicable in all situations. I mostly learned these via therapy or from other people struggling with mental illness. This also may or may not be to help me have a list of things written down for when I forget. 

Putting this below a keep reading thing because this got long FAST: 

For depression funks:

-Find a small task you can complete. Wash a dish, throw clothes in the hamper, take out the trash, etc. Something small.

-Take a shower. And try changing clothes. Even if it's in to some pajamas. If you aren't up to showering, try washing your face and maybe wiping down with a wipe. But a change of clothes will still feel better.

-Eat something. Doesn't have to be "healthy." Some food, no matter what it is, is better than no food.

-Can you get outside? Doesn't have to be to excercise. Just sitting on the front steps for a few minutes in the sun.

-Doing something to take care of yourself. Can you brush your teeth? Have a glass of water? Brush your hair? Just pick one thing and so it.

-Plan something. See if you can get a friend to meet you to hang out (or zoom) or maybe for dinner. For yourself, maybe find a movie to go see (post pandemic). Preferably find something that has a set time.

For panics:

- Square breathing. Breathe in for 5, hold for 5, breath out for 5, hold for 5. Repeat.

-There are a ton of meditations on youtube. Search "5 minute meditation" and you'll find a ton of videos.

-After the initial panic is over try calling a friend. If you can't for some reason (sometimes it's 3 am or your friend isn't available), try finding some cat videos on youtube. I highly recommend Cole and Marmalade. Something light that will get your brain on something else.

For Executive Dysfunction:

-Remove steps to putting things away. For awhile in school, I would have a mess of papers that weren't organized or put away because I was trying to use a binder. As silly as it sounds, having to neatly align paper holes or got find a place to punch those holes, would prevent me from putting things away. So I switched to folders. Suddenly I stopped losing things and my papers were organized.

-Bullet journaling. Or rather, I just have a little notebook where I put all my to do lists, grocery lists, project planning, brainstorming, etc. I don't properly Bullet Journal (TM) but I keep all my lists in one spot and it helps.

-To do lists in general. Writing out steps to get something done. Cross things out when you finish them. You get a better sense of accomplishment.

-When executive dysfunction is preventing you from getting out of bed, break it down. Step one, sit up. Step 2, swing legs over side. Step 3 stand up.

-Same with any task. If it seems too overwhelming or you just can't bring yourself to do it, it might be because you are looking at all the steps and feeling it's too much. So just think about the first one.

-Alarms and reminders. I put everything on a calendar in my phone. Google Calendar allows you to set a reminder for events days, weeks, hours, and minutes ahead. You can also set alarms for things like "I know I need to leave at 3 for the appointment, so I am going to set an alarm for 2:45 to start getting ready." Do not rely on yourself to look at the clock. YOU WILL NOT LOOK AT THE CLOCK IN TIME.

-Set the dang alarm clock across the room. That way, you gotta get out of bed to turn it off. Once out of bed, go take any meds, or if you don’t have meds, go do a small morning task. Usually doing this small task is enough to get me awake enough to not get back into bed. If I do, well, at least I have taken my meds. 

Sensory Issues:

- Fitted sweat pants and hiking pants. I can’t stand tight clothing, but I want to look presentable. Sweatpants that taper can still look decent. Travel pants or hiking pants (you can find these at places like REI), basically look like slacks but are made out of stretchy material. They also usually are made out of quick dry material which is nice. 

-Fidget and sensory toys. I really like hedgehog rings which have these little spikes on them I can run my thumb over. Also the tangle. I have a tangle that has a rubber coating that has little bumps on it. What you end up liking might differ, but those are two of my favorite. Also, if anyone gives you shit about these, you can explain “it’s sorta like a stress ball, but instead you [whatever you do with this fidget toy].” 

-Ear plugs. I wear these a lot because I have particular issues with sounds, especially certain ones. I prefer either silicone gummy ones or I like these that are “slim” because they don’t make my ears hurt. You can also get musician ear plugs that are made for musicians to protect their hearing, but still be able to hear tones and what is going on, for when sound is simply too load (also good for concerts). 

For General ADHD things: 

-Work somewhere different. This is a bit limited due to the pandemic currently, but just working at the kitchen table instead of your bedroom can help. In college, I used to go to the library to work. Just the idea that I was going to someplace specific to do a specific task, helped me actually get started. 

-Promise yourself that you will work for 10 minutes. Set an alarm if needed. Usually just starting will make the task seem less intimidating. If 10 minutes is too much, do 5. 

-Cardio. Get your self moving. This is good for a lot of things, but I highly recommend it for before you have to sit down to work on a task, like school work. I personally run, but if that’s not your thing dance, a class, walking, biking, etc. Just whatever you like. 

-Time dependent things are good to get yourself going. Again, this is limited by the pandemic, but for normal times, can you meet a friend for breakfast? Can you schedule your appointment so you have to get to it before you start work? When I was in college, I used to go to morning gym classes before my first class of the day. This got me up and if I was 5 minutes late, it was better to do that for a gym class than a physics class. Bonus because it was exercise and I could focus better on the class. 

-In classes, try to find a notes buddy or study group. That way, if you zoned out a moment, you can ask them for the notes from that section and vice versa. Also, meeting up with them is a great way to have a set time to study. 

For General Anxiety/ Depression: 

-This is going to sound cheesy as fuck, but: Make a list for what you are good at. Things you like about yourself. Things you have accomplished. They don’t have to be super deep, but can be. Do you like your nose? Can you paint your nails well? Are you good at understanding your cat? Are you good at writing? Drawing? Did you overcome a bad test and still manage to pass a class?  If you have a friend or significant other that you are comfortable with, ask them to help maybe. Keep this list for when you feel like shit. 

-Yoga. I’m sorry to put this on here because it seems like the most neurotypical advice, but. I honestly love this shit. If you haven’t given it a shot, there’s a reason why people like it. You don’t have to belong to a gym to try it. I highly recommend Yoga with Adrienne. She has some great beginner videos. 

-Take breaks from social media and news as needed. Seriously. You are a single person and can’t fix everything. Do what you can (share the information, make a donation, join in mutual aid efforts, etc.) but doom scrolling and obsessing won’t help anyone. If you won’t do it for yourself, consider that burning yourself out will make you unable to help later on. 

-Create things. They don’t have to be amazing. Crocheting, knitting, drawing, writing, etc. Having something that you can look at and be like “I made that” is really satisfying. Youtube has some great tutorials for pretty much anything. For drawing, I really like Proko. He has some great videos on drawing faces. But again: IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE GOOD. 

General Resources/ Advice:

-If you are currently in college, most campuses will have groups for counseling and even limited one on one sessions. Usually, these counseling groups are free and the one on one sessions can help you find a counselor nearby. 

-How to ADHD. Seriously I love this youtube channel. She goes over how ADHD affects the brain and has seriously helped me understand it better. 

-The Trevor Project. For LGBTQ teens and youth. They have a hotline and many other resources.  

-If what is stopping you from getting therapy is the idea that you are being dramatic/ are not that bad/ others have it worse: Go get therapy. What are we going to do, find the one person who has it the worst off than anyone and only they are allowed to feel bad and get help? Screw that. Get some help. 

-Remember that there are good things in your future. Where ever you are in life, you have something positive in your future, even if you don’t know it yet. One day, there will be a moment when you look back on the dark times and be so glad you didn’t give up. 

-Obligatory: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  (1-800-273-8255). This is national suicide prevention lifeline, for the US. They can help. 

-https://www.crisistextline.org/ For when you don’t like phone calls, try texting instead. Has US, Canada, UK, and Ireland numbers. 

#well there you go #my post #mental health #coping mechanisms #adhd #depression #anxiety #depression recovery #mental health resources #hope this helps someone #mental health strategies

[katsukisbeatingheart]

sing to me

soulmate au where you can hear the songs stuck in your soulmate’s head. the closer you are to them the quieter the music becomes, before the voice changes altogether.

word count: 2,440

a.n.: helo i have a few of these typed up and a few others in progress explicitly for soulmate aus. it’s the least angsty one so far so here you go friends.

(psst here’s dabi’s)

(psst here’s sero’s)

(psst here’s bakugou’s)

listen while you read 👉👈

ao3

Shinso Hitoshi did not sing, and isn’t the type to give even so much as a hum. But when he did—of his own volition, mind you—he never did so in front of people.

Which is how he knew this soulmate bullshit might not actually be all that contrived.

Sometimes he’d catch himself embarrassingly humming or whistling in public—usually to the absolute amusement of his friends and family—stuck with songs in his head he hadn’t even ever heard of. And it was in times like that he’d begin singing something ridiculous back, as his own petty way to clearly say ’stop’.

When the music would disappear, he’d chuckle lightly to himself and continue about his day.

Only to fall asleep that night to you whispering sweet, sweet literal nothings from the far side of his mind. Barbie Girl was a slap and a half, but if he had to check out with it rolling around in his head at two a.m. for the third night in a row, he’d dedicate his waking hours to annoying the hell out of you.

See how you liked it being startled awake—hopefully, he wasn’t 100% on the time difference—by Caramelldansen.

There were even a few times where you’d try to push music into each other at the same time. Like hijacking a radio frequency, you’d change channels on each other all day and all night until it was a warbled cacophony of noise, bordering on a headache big enough for a small city. Rarely would either of you concede, but if and/or when you did, you’d make sure the song was something you both liked.

At any other rate, Shinso had to give you credit for your taste in music; even if he didn’t recognize a fair few, he’d remember the lyrics and scour the internet later looking for them like his life depended on it. He already had a building playlist of the songs you’d sing to him—separate ones for the songs he knew, the songs he didn’t know, and his personal favorites. He kept those to himself like trade secrets, deflecting questions about what he was listening to or what kind of music he had on his phone.

Oftentimes, it was easy to guess how you were probably feeling if he just listened. There were queues of songs that made him feel relaxed and incredibly focused—which he assumed did the same for you—and others that just set him on fire.

Then there were days he felt like he was walking around with water in his shoes and a storm cloud lamenting with taut strings and frail keys. It was days like those that he liked to physically, consciously hum meme audios—or if the sadness was particularly dour, he’d find a quiet place, and sing songs that meant the world to him. Shinso wouldn’t hear anything back, and assume you were singing too.

The music said a lot about you, which was a considerable feat as he had never met you before, and he wanted to be selfish. He didn’t want to spoil what was special to you and him before he even got to see you.

You definitely worked your way around that, the maddening anonymity—using song titles to give away bits of information about one another as generously as you could. Favorite colors, films, seasons; all objective small talk suddenly turned scripture. He amassed everything in a small journal like priceless treasures—carrying around the value of another life in his pocket as casually as a to-do list. He had the music, but something tangible like this put his mind and heart at ease. You were really out there, and Shinso could meet you someday.

It wasn’t a known secret to anyone that subject posed one of his greatest fears. One day finding someone to spend the rest of ever with, with someone else’s song playing in his head.

In more than a few ways, you helped him remain largely optimistic. As long as he could hear you, he could find you, and as he got older and he acquired more freedoms and was just a little surer of himself, there was a chance.

That hope suddenly burned like ice on one derisively beautiful day.

Shinso dragged himself up the flights of stairs leading to his apartment, sliding around the stacks of moving boxes cluttering up the only way home. He tottered down the hall, and stepped through the threshold inattentively humming a new tune he’d heard that day that he thought you might like.

If there was one thing he could ever count on, it was your consistency.

Ever since you were kids, he grew up with annoying, made up nursery rhymes he still had memorized, as though he’d written them himself. They quickly turned into fun jingles, which then morphed into some of the most beautiful melodies he’d ever heard. Those didn’t usually have lyrics though, so it wasn’t like he could look them up to be sure—and yet he somehow knew they were original to you.

It was then that he realized, he had never gone a single day of his life without music.

So, when he sat back after a long night of work and readied himself for at least a few hours’ sleep, he froze. Shinso hadn’t heard a beat of song all day. Not anything besides what might have been jumping around him as he went out for errands or to the agency. 

With a harsh shake of his damp hair, he swiped a towel over his stony expression. His clenched jaw was starting to drive an ache into his skull.

You probably slept all day, he reasoned.

Even though he was sure you’d sent songs to him in sleep more than a few times in your life…

No. Absolutely not.

He shook himself free of worries, refusing to end the day with fear in his heart where the music should be.

Instead, he closed his eyes and slipped into a tune he’d fallen asleep to before—one that he was sure you created. It rained over his restless consciousness like sun-drops and star-dew, pulling steady, even breaths out of him and pushing a gentle weightlessness in.

The next morning, however, brought even more questions Shinso was just slightly afraid to have answered. Still no sign of the little voice that sounded like him, but was not his own. He absently picked up on a lilting murmur somewhere from upstairs, and anchored to it the more the weightlessness slowly began disappearing.

Shinso shrugged off his nerves, whistling light and roses into the bathroom mirror through his teeth. He splashed cold water into his face and closed off the tap with a huff, sending a final apprehensive glance to his reflection before heading out the door.

He doesn’t know why he’s suddenly ineffably compelled to turn into the shop on the corner after a quick run to the market—but he is. Maybe it’s the incoherent and yet still familiar ringing in his ears, clear as a bell ushering him along his spontaneity.

Shinso’s morning started jittery and threatened to boil over in anarchical agitation. Strolling down the street with the absence of his wonted metronome, hands in his pockets tapping to the beat of an abandoned drum, he felt he stuck out like a loose screw. He was mindless in his trips to each store as he blindly reached for things he was vaguely sure he needed.

It was when he had stepped out onto the corner that something inexplicable snapped into place.

Shinso jogged across the street and through the inviting doors of a building whose name he hadn’t even bothered to read. He found himself surrounded by chrysanthemums and dahlias before he realized he’s in a floral parlor.

The redolence of fresh soil and ingratiatory verdure engulfed his wearied demeanour; the petals brushed his cheeks, and if he didn’t know any better, he’d suggest that the bouquets were reaching for him. The salvia and larkspur waved from the other end of the aisle, and he followed their purple buds to the other side of the shop.

He stopped to admire the camellias and daffodils, lightly taking them between the pads of his thumb and forefinger.

Butterflies.

Hitoshi’s eyes widened with a start, his posture straightening like he’d been struck with lightning.

They fill my guts when I look in your eyes.

He pivoted back and forth on his heels, desperately looking to the flowers for an explanation. A voice filled his head for the first time in nearly two days.

A heart that’s young is filled with sweet surprise.

This time though, the voice isn’t his. It’s clear and ringing and it doesn’t belong to him. The usual warmth he felt basking in the sound of music you whisper in his voice does nothing to compare with the exhilaration frothing in his chest now. Shinso ran a hand through his already disheveled hair, sliding it down his neck and over his shoulder.

It’s really not his, he inwardly surmised. It’s like listening to someone from inside a bubble, though; it’s a round and full sound, but he just knew if it were only slightly louder, the barrier would pop and he’d be free.

Only the innocent can sympathize.

It’s yours.

He brushed past the water lilies, clearing row after row as casually as he could in a futile attempt so as to not appear deranged.

I don’t care

The voice bled into his mind clearer, like watching the gentle shift of river to ocean water through facile currents. He turned the last corner with a breath of anticipation. In a final bit of direction, the lilac, heather, and baby’s breath spilled out of an ornate frame, unquestionably pointing to a figure facing away from him.

“About the funny way you wear your hair,” you crooned. You turned to tenderly repot the rosy begonia cupped in your palms, tucking it in place with the most serene gleam Shinso Hitoshi had ever seen. He sighed, releasing a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding for years.

“Someday you’ll let me put my comb up there.”

“’Till then you’re beautiful and I just stare,” Hitoshi finished softly.

You almost dropped your armful of forget-me-nots. Your strangled breath caught in your throat, hooked solely on the man standing there waiting. He gazed at you with an amused smile and crinkled, bruised eyes. It’s reminiscent of a sleepy kitten and if you hadn’t been so shocked, you’d have melted in your shoes.

“I missed your voice yesterday,” he drawled almost lazily, crossing his arms over his chest. You cleared your throat, rolling upright with a swing of your hands as they lock together at your back.

“I was going to say the exact same thing.”

His movements reminded you of a large jungle cat, stalking forward with a controlled lethargy tensed in anything but. As eager as you were, you matched him beat for beat, dragging your quivering legs in delicate strides down the aisle.

“So, is this supposed to mean we met sometime yesterday then?”

He stood right in front of you, finally close enough to recognize as the nameless and faceless childhood friend you’d been listening to since you could think on your own. You stepped into him, coming to a stop just before the tips of your shoes met his.

“It’s likely.”

“No way,” he said with a resolute shake of his head. “I’d remember you if that were the case.”

“You sound so sure of yourself.”

He stared you down with a focus you wouldn’t expect from eyes as exhausted looking as his.

“I’ve never been more certain about anything in my life.” You bashfully tugged at the fabric of your clothes, the warmth in your chest spreading upwards to beam across your face. Flattening your palm against the expanse of his collar bone, you idly swung your hands over the surface like a pendulum.

“Maybe we just missed each other then—crossed paths without finishing them,” you suggested, twirling a lock of purple around your finger.

“You wouldn’t happen to be moving in somewhere, would you?”

Your head jerked with a small start to twist at him quizzically. How could he possibly know that?

“In a complex a few blocks away from here, yes. Why?”

Shinso’s smile broke into parts amusement and incredulity.

“Looks like I’m your new neighbor,” he grinned. My neighbor? You lit up, eyes twinkling with excitement.

“That means—!”

“You’re stuck with me, yeah.”

“That can’t be such a bad thing,” you started, dropping your voice to push into him more, “—after all, I’m a little new to the area.” You blinked, letting a coquettish simper slide across your features.

“I could do with some sort of guide if I’m going to survive out here, you know.”

“I think I know a guy,” he murmured, a strained husk in his volume.

“Oh, you do, do you?” you whispered under fragile breaths.

“Yeah,” he said, leaning down to angle his face with yours. Just as you reached in to touch his lips, he pulled back suddenly, tapping his finger to his chin in thought. “Tall, blond, black streak of lightning across his bangs—hard to miss. I’ll introduce you; probably just your type.”

You rolled your eyes and punched his shoulder, gripping the fabric of his shirt in an iron fist.

“How could you possibly know my type?”

You pulled his stupid happy face to yours and kissed the mischief out of him, and he dissolved into a tender mess under your fingertips. All of this was new and unexpected, but he imagined seeing, meeting, and eventually kissing you going much different. Shinso hadn’t expected colliding like old, familiar friends; Shinso hadn’t expected missing the way you pressed into him, as though you’d done it a thousand times before. This was a first kiss between two people, but not the first time you’d ever touched.

“Be careful,” he sighed, voice richly warm, “if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were flirting with me.”

You languidly pressed your lips to the corner of his mouth, tracing time signatures into his jawline.

“Have been since we were kids, thanks for noticing.”

“You mean to tell me Mr. Snuffles Is My Best Friend was actually for me? I’m flattered.”

“Oh yeah, definitely. Absolutely not about one of my favorite stuffed animals.”

“That’s good to know. And here I was thinking I would have to challenge a teddy bear for your hand.” You laughed heartily, pressing your forehead into his chest.

“Can I walk you home?”

You fingered the fabric of his shirt, leaning in to feel the rhythm of his heart. It was the prettiest song you had ever heard.

“I’m already there.”

#my hero academia x reader #shinso hitoshi x reader #bnha x reader #mha x reader #shinso x reader #hitoshi shinso x reader #hitoshi shinsou x reader #bnha x you #bnha reader insert #bnha imagines #mha imagines #soulmate au #bnha soulmate au #officer im babey #and i love him #my writing #a123 #shinsou hitoshi x reader

[corolune]

Fanfic ask game time! I, J (Dhamaka in Delhi), M, P

Thanks for the ask Olya!! 💗🐸💗

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

Does outsider POV count as a guilty pleasure?? Because that is the #1 trope I always read/write/imagine writing in every fandom I get into lol. I don’t know what it is, I just love reading fic about our beloved main characters from an outside perspective! I also…have a soft spot for crack fic 🙈😂

J: Write or describe an alternative ending to Dhamaka in Delhi.

Oooh, an alternative ending! Well, let me channel our favourite author, Mr. Horowitz for a moment…

Alex wakes up on the truck full of the illicit carpets

George never stole the watch, so Alex still has all his gadgets, and Merab never comes to find him.

Alex uses his super spy skills taught by Mr Super Spy Ian Rider and gets out of the ropes tying him up.

He climbs into one of the rolled up carpets. It’s a little suffocating and claustrophobic, but he’s only a little 14 year old so he fits ok. The carpet cushions him against the bumpy road, at least. The silky threads aren’t too itchy but they aren’t exactly comfortable. Oh well, the sacrifices you make for the greater good 😪

Eventually the truck rumbles to a stop at the construction site in Lal Qila, and the workers start loading the carpets into a secret warehouse. They lift up the rolled up rug that Alex is hiding in, and put it onto a shelf somewhere.

Inside, the Villain of the Week™️ is busy rubbing his hands together, counting the carpets (and his money) and shouting orders to get them organized. Alex sneaks out and tries once again to contact MI6, but is caught by Mr Rathore, who is pacing around wondering how much of a cut he will get of the profits of this scheme (and hoping no one finds out he's the one who let these people into the Red Fort in the first place)…or maybe he’s trying to not-so-subtly find a specific coded carpet…He doesn’t take too kindly to Alex snooping around 😱

Not receiving any response from MI6, Alex decides to do what needs to be done and destroy the carpets…by burning them, obviously. Maybe he then steals the truck and recklessly drives away, and someone from MI6 finally comes to bring him home. Mission accomplished.

OR, he runs into Yassen who is undercover (maybe to steal some carpets for Scorpia, maybe for a different reason all together, maybe he’s retired and on holiday), and they both disappear forever. It’s pretty hard to find two people hiding in a country whose population is over a billion…and I think TV!Yassen and Alex could pass for being fair-skinned Indians of Afghani/Persian ancestry (Alex might have to dye his hair a bit darker). MI6 and Scorpia look in the obvious places (Europe, Russia) but they never seem to find their missing agents. 🤷‍♀️

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

AR x Tintin crossover!! Either Alex showing up in the middle of one of Tintin’s adventures, or Tintin bumping into Alex on an MI6 mission. Also, Tintin taking Alex under his wing and helping him realize he still has more options other than MI6 after he finishes school, like a career in investigative journalism.

Also a more humorous idea — Yassen has arachnophobia (because who wouldn’t, after a spider almost kills you). Unfortunately, spiders do not have Yassen-phobia. How does Yassen deal with this on the job? And is Alex worth keeping around because his fiery nature destroys spiders that come too close to him? (I am sure spiders have told each other through their webs to stay away from Alex)

P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)

I gave a more detailed response to this question in an earlier ask! I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a greenhouse architect. I start with some loose planning mainly to get my ideas down before I forget them, and let the story unfold from there as I write!

#alex rider #ask #ask game #fic ask game #alex rider fanfiction #my writing

[ohallthecrushes]

Arthur/Joker catching you watching porn // Headcanons

A/N: It’s funny how a small idea can spark my productivity. ^^ Sorry for any mistakes, I was in a hurry. ;)

Contains: porn, and more porn

Word counts: 1664

You were one of those people who liked watching porn and reading sex stories. You’d never really hidden with this, if someone of your close friends asked you about it you would admit. You thought it was a normal thing to be curious and watch porn for pleasure or for more educational purpose.

Even though you weren’t secretive about it with your previous lovers and with Arthur you were very open about your needs and body and sex in general, you hadn’t tell him about it yet. He didn’t ask and you didn’t know how to start the topic the way that he wouldn’t feel too intimidated or abashed.

Blushing Arthur was priceless and you secretly liked making a blushy mess of him, making his cheeks turned pink as he started acting so innocently while tripping over his words, but the line between him being adorably shy and feeling so intimidated that he would withdraw from a subject was kinda thin.

You wanted to tell him about watching porn and maybe even invite him to watch it with you, but you couldn’t find a courage to do so and you weren’t sure how he’d react, so the words left unspoken between you two.

You planned to tell him, but he found out on his own.

It was one of this days when you didn’t expect him to come sooner from work.

You didn’t respond when he called you and he thought that maybe you were sleeping, so he tried to stay quiet while going to look for you in the bedroom. He wanted nothing more than to crawl under a blanket and cling to your resting body.

Television was on, lighting up the bedroom with a blueish glow. A porn movie that you’d found accidentally was muted, the couple on the screen pleasured each other in front of the camera.

You were sitting on a bed, legs crossed to suppress the throbbing, and your face was decorated with a smile. You imagined yourself with Arthur in the same position that was in the movie. You were too caught up with what you were watching to hear your boyfriend entering the room.

The moment his eyes went from your lovely figure to the tv screen, his face changed from being happy to see you to curiosity and finally astonishment by what he discovered.

And the moment you noticed him was too late for you to react and switch the channels.

You jumped up and crawled off the bed, you tried to cover the intimate scenes on the tv with your own body, but it was pointless, it was clear to Arthur that he had caught you watching porn.

His mouth moved slightly, but he couldn’t form a single question, even though he had so many to ask.

- I’m sorry, I... I didn’t... - you said as you came over to him

You were too caught off guard to figure out what else to say.

- Y/N, you... were w-watching p-porn? - he asked confused as he was sure that women didn’t watch porn. He often heard his coworkers talking about their girlfriends being disgusted by porn and against watching them. He’d even stopped watching and drawing explicit things in his journal, because he’d thought you might not liked it, but it was alright, because he hadn’t even wanted to watch or draw other girls anymore. Since he’d had you as his girlfriend, he only had you in his mind.

He wondered now if it was the same with you. Did you need something more than he could provide to you?

He was so confused. You’d looked very pleased and entertained as he’d seen you.

- You were enjoying yourself? - he mumbled more to himself than to you, baffled. His eyes were still flicking from you to the tv behind you.

- Ummm... it was... - you bit your lip - yeah, I was...

He blinked and you could sense his low self-esteem and anxiety knocking at the door at the back of his head. You had to stop him from opening the door before he started questioning his ability to satisfy you and his skills in bed and his whole being in general.

- I enjoyed imagining doing those things with you.

- You did? - his eyebrows went up in disbelief - Y-you want to... I mean, you w-want to try it?

You nodded as you smiled and pressed your lips to his, partly relieved that this topic was finally open to discuss, even though you felt a little embarrassed by being caught in the act.

After that Arthur and you spent hours talking about porn, how (un)realistic those movies could be, and your own preferences.

He had so many questions for you, like: "What kind of porn do you watch? What do you like in it? How do you feel about it? Why do you like it? How often you watch porn? Would you like to try something from porn with him? etc. etc. etc."

It was more educational than a form of a foreplay, but you knew that one day you both would have some fun watching it together without Arthur feeling awkward about it.

Arthur loved learning new things about you as much as he loved learning new things about sex.

His journal soon was filled with new information he’d gathered from you with his reflection about it, page after page until his wrist started to hurt.

One of the best thing that had come out of this was that he became more open about his own fantasies. He even showed you some of his drawings that included naked woman and that was the moment he admitted that he’d love to see you in a sexy cat costume.

Joker caught you one day as he entered the bedroom without being bothered to knock first.

He glanced at the screen with his eyebrows drew together in consternation.

The expression on his face quickly changed as he looked at you and smirked, his tongue pushed the inside of his right cheek as he reconsidered something.

He wasn’t against porn and you watching it. There were times when you watched those movies together. You both were open about your needs and have no secrets before one another, trusting each other, since you knew each other for so long.

You both were free to do whatever you wanted as long as it didn’t hurt your partner.

Other times he would just shrug and maybe apologize to you for interrupting if he saw you wanted to be alone, but something in your reaction seeded an idea in his mind.

Your cheeks turned pink and you were unsure of what to do with your body, except from taking your hand out of your pants.

- Enjoying yourself, hmmm? - he asked still smirking.

- I’m... I just... You were busy and I... accidentally switched channel to porn and... - you stood up from the bed and moved to turn off the tv, but he quickly took the remote away from you and placed it somewhere else.

- And decided to watch it? - he finished your sentence glancing at the screen. He was curious of what had gotten your attention that much that you had felt the need to touch yourself. Was it a certain position? Some kinky things those people were doing? One of the actors?

The last thought made him a little upset, but he managed to shake it off.

He'd rather not to think that you might find other people attractive. He made sure to satisfy all your needs, so you didn’t have to look for excitement outside your relationship.

- What was it, darling, hmm? What got you so excited?

His eyes went back on you and you blushed even more.

- Ermmm... I don’t know. Porn?

He chuckled as he thought of how adorable you looked right now with your cheeks blushed and your body movements so uncertain.

It would be so pleasant and fun to punish you and reclaim you as his.

- Well, if you don’t know, than let’s figure it out together.

He smirked as he placed himself on the edge of the bed and gently pulled you to him, so you landed on his lap. His one hand was placed on your thigh as the other was wrapped around your waist.

You both looked at the tv now, watching the actors as they were fucking in different positions.

Joker asked you to tell him what exactly you found interesting about it, his tone was more demanding than asking with a hint of curiosity in it.

As you were telling him with a shy and soft voice, his hand that was on your thigh was moving slowly up to your tingly pussy.

- You really like those people, don’t you?

- What? No. I just... I like what they are doing.

- Mhm, don’t you like what I am doing, Kitten?

- I do! I like it very much, my Joker.

- Then why are you still watching those people instead of me?

Oops.

His fingers touched your clit and rubbed it with a light pressure. Too light to your liking.

But you were sure he knew about it.

You looked down before you looked up at his upset face.

Not really upset though, he was acting, just like the actors in the movie.

He pulled you closer to him, you could feel the bulge in his pants growing harder.

- I think I have to show my Kitten what she is missing while wasting her time on porn movies.

His lips caught yours with a hungry, demanding kiss as he switched you both and placed you on the bed, pressing his body down to yours. He bit your lower lip before he attacked your neck with his mouth, leaving big hickeys all over it.

He wasn’t upset, just feeling slightly dominating.

#arthur fleck #arthur fleck x reader #joker x reader #joker arthur fleck #joker #joker imagine #joker imagines #arthur fleck imagines #arthur fleck headcanon #joker headcanons

[citylightsbooks]

The Motor of the Essay: Rachel Kushner in Conversation

This is an excerpt of a free event we held in conjunction with Litquake for our virtual events series, City Lights LIVE. This event features Rachel Kushner in conversation with Dana Spiotta celebrating the launch of The Hard Crowd: Essays 2000-2020, published by Scribner. This event was originally broadcast live via Zoom and hosted by our events coordinator Peter Maravelis. You can listen to the entire event on our podcast. You can watch it in full as well on our Youtube channel.

*****

Dana Spiotta: I know that everyone's going to ask you these questions about writing fiction versus nonfiction. And I read somewhere that you said, with your novels, you begin with imagery more than an idea or a character. With the nonfiction, there is a range of pieces about writers and specific books to journalism--like the prison story and Palestine--and then there’s the ones that are personal essays, right, like the girl in a motorcycle. So I guess they might all have different origins. But where do you begin with that? And how is that different as a process from what you write in fiction?

Rachel Kushner: Yeah, so it is kind of a different process for me, although I sometimes feel guilty to try to make declarations about which is harder, or how one does one thing, because you know, for some people, the essay is what literature is.

For me, fiction is more difficult. And so in a certain way it's what I've signed on to do with my life, because the process can be so mysterious and fickle and unreliable. And I'm waiting to catch a wave, or get the drift and then try to figure out how to sustain it, and then how to change it in order to sustain it. Managing so many different things at once is a very curious hermeneutic, because you need to know where you're going.

But then you also need to let happenstance inform you. I think some of the ways that we are challenged, and how we learn in our lives and also as writers, are by having encounters that we did not anticipate or predict, and that happens in fiction. And then you're kind of in a "taking mode" and you know exactly what's for you and you go with it and you run.

Essays are a little different for me. I mean, obviously. Time is shorter. But usually the motor of the essay is a sprung sentence. I come up with one sentence that is doing something in the syntax and it's making something sort of declarative. And it's kind of a gambit. And it needs to be followed by another. And sometimes I'll have a whole paragraph like that. And those paragraphs will just be floating in the void of the potentiality of the essay that I haven't written yet. And I don't sweat, like, "How am I going to link this to that?" yet. Because I just know by instinct that they're both going in. And if I put them in the essay, then they are interrelated by virtue merely of their proximity to each other. Then I start to build links.

Some journalism is a very different process. Like you mentioned, for the piece that I wrote, originally for the New York Times Magazine, about prison abolition and the carceral geographer, Ruth Wilson Gilmore, they said it can be any length and made it long. So you know, it was like 20,000 words. And it was my version of that essay, and it probably was a pretty good essay. But I think the weakness in it was that I was not speaking to their audience. And they really--you have written for the New York Times Magazine--they want to be able to countenance everything you say, sentence by sentence. It's not like writing an op-ed, where you just say your thing and then people can fight it out in the comments. They want to be fully on board. And I wouldn't want to have to do that all the time.

It's extremely difficult, because you have to keep remembering how to bring in somebody who may have wildly different ideas about how society should be organized, and not seem polemical, not seem pushy. It's a kind of seduction I think that really benefits from collaboration with an editor. It's arduous, it takes time. That essay took two years to write, but because the subject matter was important to me, ultimately, I decided it was worth it.

Dana Spiotta: Yeah, it's such a great essay. And I learned so much from it.

Peter Maravelis: When you're writing about events and feelings from decades ago, how do you return to the experience? What takes you back?

Rachel Kushner: That's a really great question. So, you know, with some of these essays, like the first essay in the book called “Girl on a Motorcycle,” which is about the Cabo 1000--a no longer existent, illegal motorcycle road race where you span the Baja in the course of a day--was the first thing that I ever published and I wrote it 20 years ago. And after looking back over it, in order to put it in this book and to improve upon it, I opened it up; I wrote a new beginning and a new ending. There are so many details and scenes in that essay that I never, ever would have remembered had I not written them down when I was much closer to the meat of that experience.

But there are other essays like the title essay which I just wrote quite recently. I'd put the book together, and I knew it was going to be called “The Hard Crowd.” And then I just basically sat down and wrote this essay. And I think, you know, as maybe you're telling a story, or going through your life, sometimes things really do sort of trigger the release of a memory. And Proust has this conception of two different kinds of memory that he calls voluntary memory and involuntary memory. And voluntary memory is the kind of fixed story that you tell, you know, "Oh, he's telling that story again," meaning it's a kind of sclerotic, hardened account that, for Proust, doesn't really have any real artistic or intrinsic wealth to it. Whereas involuntary memory is maybe when you would smell a perfume that you haven't smelled in 30 years and it reminds you of this or that. And I think that writing itself can activate involuntary memory, because you start to see into spaces you haven't seen in a really long time.

Like when I was writing this essay, I somehow ended up talking about Terence McKenna, and remembered that I'd seen Terence McKenna give this lecture at the Palace of Fine Arts. And then I saw the Palace of Fine Arts and him on the stage and where I was sitting, and who was in the audience. And so then I mentioned in the essay that this noise musician who I don't know, but I knew who he was, was sitting right in front of me. And that was a funny thing because the New Yorker called him and asked, "Were you at a Terence McKenna lecture in 1991." “Yeah, I was.” I mean he probably thought like the FBI is after him or something. I can start to see things and details in pretty haunting detail, particularity once I'm starting to build the framework that will allow those kind of involuntary memories to come up to present themselves.

Peter Maravelis: Do you feel that maybe kids who grew up in a certain era share communal memories, like growing up in San Francisco in the 70s is full of shared moments and scenes?

Rachel Kushner: Yes, I do feel that, but I would maybe even particularize it to not just an era, but to kids who grew up in a certain world within San Francisco. And I'm going to just be blunt: it's the kids who went to public school in San Francisco in the 70s and 80s. We all traversed a world together, and the particularity of that world. I'm not saying that it's special or different. Everybody has a world that they traversed, and that stays inside of them as memory. And ours is ours. And those who experienced it do feel bonded, I think, for life, in a way. And it's something I've thought about a lot since that essay was published in the New Yorker because of the number of people who reached out to me and wanted to talk about their own memories of this same world that we shared.

Peter Maravelis: In the New York Times review, Dwight Garner mentioned the phrase: “At the party, she was kindness in the hard crowd," from the Cream song "White Room." Is that in fact where your title came from?

Rachel Kushner: It is. I mentioned that in the title essay, it all becomes clear, or at least somewhat clear where I heard that song, and why I made it the title of this book. It's a good line.

To see upcoming events at City Lights bookstore in San Francisco, check out our complete calendar.

#Rachel Kushner #Dana Spiotta #City Lights Books #City Lights Publishers #City Lights Podcast #LIVE! From City Lights #The Hard Crowd #Youtube