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#never in my life have i been in the classification of overweight but she would still call me fat
saintqueer · 3 years
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On Being 13
by saintqueer
Date Written: July 2019
CW: brief mention of an eating disorder
I will be posting a series of old creative nonfiction essays I wrote in 2019-20 every Friday and tagging them #a saintqueer original. Some might be a little outdated but I'm getting my feet wet in the experience of sharing my own writing again. Hope you enjoy! My inbox is always open.
Your name is Jordan. It is 2006 and you just turned 13. You are officially a teenager. Not a preteen. Nor god-forbid a tween. You’re in eighth grade at middle school in the Bay Area suburbs and you just got your first cell phone. It’s a silver LG flip phone without a camera. Modern social media has been born but is not yet widespread. Myspace and AIM are still the name of the game. And your friend’s Top 8s are literally worth crying over. You buy songs you like on iTunes for 99 cents. Songs like Far Away by Nickelback and Jesus, Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood. That is, until you wizen up and start using LimeWire in 2007. By that time, you’ll think your tastes much improved. You’ll illegally download songs like Buy U a Drank by T-Pain, Wait For You by Elliott Yamin, and everything Chris Brown puts out. Every single feeling you have is so large it’s like it has the potential to kill you. Weird shit is happening to your body. You started puberty early but it shows absolutely no sign of stopping. Things just seem to be getting weirder and more emotional. You cut your own side bangs and they look hella cool.
Ok, let’s pause there. I’m gonna go ahead and break the fourth wall here. Reader, I was planning on doing this entire piece as a kind of immersive second person experience. But. I. Just. Can’t. It’s too hard and writing about being 13 is difficult enough. I think that intro was enough to get you in the right head space of Jordan circa 2006-2007.
Over the last year, there has been more truthful explorations of the adolescent experience in media than ever before. With shows like Pen15 and Big Mouth and films like Eighth Grade, I feel like for the first time I’m starting to come to terms with my own adolescence. Being 13 is really fucking hard. And 13-year-olds get such a bad rap when, honestly, they’re just trying to do the best they can with all the shit they’ve been thrown.
I first felt compelled to write this piece when reading a section of a book from my favorite podcaster, Karen Kilgariff. Karen describes a lecture series she went to in which one of the presenters made a case in defense of 13 year olds. Karen writes that being 13 “is the hardest age you ever have to be because of all the chemicals and hormones constantly raging through your body. It’s like you’re being drugged and then woken up with speed on a daily basis. All social structure implodes and resets itself in a totally unfamiliar way. You’re simultaneously the oldest version of a child and the youngest version of an adult, so you don’t belong anywhere. You don’t get babied, and you don’t get respect.” Basically, it fucking sucks!!!
At 13, my eating disorder was already in full swing and my body-dysmorphia-riddled brain had no shortage of reasons for why my life would be so much better if I weighed 25 pounds less. They would weigh us in gym class, one by one, and assign us our BMI classification (mine was “overweight”). I was constantly dieting, with resounding approval from family and peers; starving my growing body of whole food groups and then binging. My school used to sell these pizza hot pocket things in plastic wrapping called pizza sticks (they were so DELICIOUS). One time, I found an unopened and still-warm pizza stick on the floor next to a garbage can. Wildly hungry from my meager carb-less lunch I picked it up off the floor and shoved it into my mouth, facing the wall, in as few bites as possible so no one would see. OFF THE FLOOR…OUTSIDE. I think it was on a pile of leaves and other trash (though unopened, it was slightly flattened on one side so it might have been stepped on?). This is actually the first time I’ve told anyone that I did that. Blogging is fun.
I was truly beginning to understand that my body was a commodity in society. I couldn’t take up space as a girl and to be beautiful was to be frail. My body was a sexual thing but I was not allowed to be a sexual being. Boys were the horny ones, not girls. But boy, was I! The thing was I couldn’t tell anyone, only the bathtub faucet could know. This was heightened all the more by my church and my faith. Youth group taught me the importance of dressing modestly and how we had to do everything within our power to help easily tempted boys remain sexually pure. I had so much shame that I had any kind of sexuality at all.
A majority of us wanted to fit in when we were 13. And I wanted it desperately. It’s not necessarily that I wanted to be cool, it’s more like I just wanted to belong. I wanted to have best friends. I wanted boys to have crushes on me. I wanted to be wanted. And it never happened for me. I didn’t develop deep lasting friendships until my late teens. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 21, for god’s sake. My friends at 13 were changeable and excluding. I felt like I was constantly vying for their approval and as I entered high school in 2007, my social life became the center of my world.
Admittedly, high school felt much more enjoyable than middle school. I had established my place in the cool crowd and shirked academics. I stopped listening to Christian Rock and started listening to Lil Wayne and learning how to twerk. I cut class with a friend to straighten my hair with my hot pink straightener in Starbucks. I got in trouble with the cops for underage drinking. I got better at actually starving myself for a few days at a time instead of just dieting. I was significantly better at swearing. However, every single thing still felt like the biggest deal ever and it felt like it would always be that way.
Now, over a dozen years later, I hardly ever think about how it felt to be 13. I always forget that I “fell in love” with a boy named Alex at church summer camp who I saw from afar five times and talked to once for two minutes. It’s hard to believe now that I wrote his name in sharpie on my converse sneakers and sang I Drive Myself Crazy by *Nsync while crying and staring directly back at myself in the mirror.
This might seem unforgiving but I feel like the one redeemable thing about being 13 is that it doesn’t last forever. It ends. You grow and you change and you work through your trauma. If you’re lucky, you get better friends and you go to therapy and do some healing over ten years later by watching tv shows and movies that remind you of every painful feeling. Then you look back and laugh. You laugh at that school dance where Peter said he’d never, ever slow dance with you. You laugh at the school dance less than a year later where you grind provocatively on a dude you don’t know to Get Low by Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins. You laugh (hysterically, I might add) at eating that pizza stick off the floor. You laugh at smoking weed for the first time using a plastic water bottle your friend somehow turned into a shitty bong. You laugh at shoplifting your first thong from Ross. You laugh at your self-cut side bangs. You laugh and you laugh and you laugh and then you, finally, move on.
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morphituu · 5 years
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Milagro
Chapter 7: “Déjà Vu”
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Ch: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6
Ward had expected to see the blue haired elf upon entering the room, but was only met with Montehugh’s lackluster self, turning to nod at Daryl with a classification folder in hand.
“Where’s Kandomere?”
“Busy,” he slapped the folder onto the table surface, and that was Ward’s cue to shut the door. “Take a look,”
Daryl opened the folder before he was sat, and a small pile of photos slipped out. The CCTV shots were of poor quality, but enough was legible from the blurs shaped like people and light radiating from their extended arms.
“That’s Tikka,” Ward mumbled, pointing with his pinky. If it hadn’t been for the small blob of lighter color on this fuzzy shapes head, she could’ve gone unidentified.
“Correct,” Montehugh announced, pouring himself coffee. “So who’s the other fucker?”
“The fuck should I know?”
“I’m not asking you,” Montehugh sat before him, a hard exhale coming forth. “Now I’m sure you know what’s about to go down,”
“Haven’t seen or heard shit,” Ward shook his head, carefully overlooking all the photos obtained from the destroyed bazaar. There was something off-putting about the opponent she was clearly battling. It’s form was too unfamiliar, something he couldn’t label as elf or human. Though it appeared to be showing it’s face and arms, it was dark, and no hair seemed to adorn it’s head from what he could make out.
“Could this be an Orc?” Daryl asked.
“Not likely,” he sipped his steaming drink.
“But not impossible?”
“Do you know how rare it is for there to be Orc Brights?” Montehugh laughed.
“Cut the shit- could it be an Orc?” Ward demanded, and the heavyset detective sighed.
“The chances are stacked against that assumption,”
“Regardless. Maybe bringing this to the table and lookin’ for Brights outside of elves and humans would mean this shit could be taken care of sooner,” the officer rattled out accusingly, a clear jab at their lack of success during the weeks this had dragged on.
“You wanna take that sad excuse of a photo out and start interrogating Orcs on the street? Asking to see their wands? Be my fucking guest if you think it’s so simple,”
“It’d be more than whatever the fuck you two are doing. All you’ve told us is we can’t leave the city and that she’s on the loose, so what the fuck are you guys doing?” Ward was sitting forward, his face twisted with rage.
“We’re keeping you fuckers on a short leash in case you two decide to run off with another wand,” Montehugh spat back just as aggressively. “Where the fuck is your Orc?”
“Fuck you-”
“Where?”
Daryl sat back, crossing his arms. “Not here,”
“Get him here. Starting tomorrow you two are taking a leave of absence,”
“The fuck-”
“Shut the fuck up and let me finish,” The red head interjected, raising his hand. Ward had stood angrily, his chair kicked back, and it took a few seconds of audible fuming to get him to back down, still glaring hatefully.
“If you’d bothered to read the report that’s in front of you you’d know that there were spikes in activity,” he flipped a few pages, shoving the report across the table. “And look what neighborhoods they’re moving through,”
Reluctantly, Ward looked it over, but was poor at masking his alarm. The spikes across the map read like sonar, all the recorded battles and wand activity moving in a steady line across LA, directly towards his neighborhood. He tossed it away from him.
“I need to leave with my family,”
“No. You’re both going to stay put, and stay close to home, and not bitch and whine when you have a few extra guests keeping watch outside of your houses,” Monteugh explained slowly, his voice having come down to a reasonable level.
“How’re a bunch of agents gonna protect my family against a wand?” His voice betrayed him. It shook, his eyes downcast; Ward was scared.
“Bright’s aren’t always renegades,”
Ward looked up, repeating that a few times over in his head. MTF proved itself shiftier with every encounter.
“Call Jakoby. He needs to be briefed.” Montehugh instructed, sitting back in his seat.
Daryl pulled his phone out, finding Nick in his call log before keeping the phone’s edge against his temple. “Is this leave of absence paid?”
“That all you care about?”
“Yeah so does my wife and mortgage,” Ward snapped. Why are you so fucking unpleasant…
The line trilled, but only fell to his voicemail. “Not answering,”
“Call again,” Montehugh ordered.
“Cause that always works…” but he still did so, looking at the detective sarcastically when the call went to voicemail once again.
Over and over he tried, even sending a few heated messages, but nothing came of it despite Montehugh’s insistence. It was shortening Ward’s patience everytime he barked out another demand without even looking up from his own tasks, seemingly unbothered by any of this.
“I’m done, he’s not gonna answer,” the phone was slammed down; that probably broke my screen.
Montehugh turned, stirring another cup. “Then go get him,”
It wasn’t actually having to go seek out Nick, it was the manner in which the overweight detective expected him to, and the way he spoke to him, like Ward was a rookie and didn’t know how things were done. That being said, things weren’t done like this.
Still, with a clenched jaw and fingernails that dug into his palm sharply from the force of his tightened fists, Ward left, slamming the door bitterly behind him as he stomped through the busy halls of the precinct. He blew off conversations and hellos, uncaring of who he bumped into.
Before his eyes was a film, and it displayed countless options that all lead back to dire ends.
Ward wanted to scoop his family up and run far away, but he also just wanted to leave by himself if it meant no harm would befall them. He wanted this to be over just as much as he wanted to go back to that night four years ago and let the call pass onto someone else. What he wouldn’t give to let some other chump carry the blood on his hands and this nightmare that had become his life. He’d give anything to go back and never know he’s a Bright.
She could feel her heart thrumming in her ribs as she looked up at the ceiling, her breath coming forth in harsh pants. A dull quake radiated all over, her arms starting to tremble where she supported herself against his thighs that tensed severely under her grip.
“Nick,” she gasped, looking down at his face lined with rapt attention.
“Almost,” he puffed, his hold on her hips brutal.
She glanced behind herself. “You didn’t pause th- ah! You didn’t pause the show!”
“We’ll go back,” he grunted. “Wasn’t that interesting anyways,”
Callie gasped, and he looked up to smile at her purely shocked face. “You said you liked it so far!”
Nick’s thrusting stopped, his mien amiss. “There’s so much talking,” he admitted, his eyes rolling slowly.
“Cause it’s about profiling murderers,”
“They could add in some shootouts or the actual murders or something,”
“You need to get over that CSI is over, chato,” she shook her head, holding his shoulders.
“It was the best-”
“And now it’s over so we’re gonna go back and rewatch this,” she pointed back to the TV. “And you’re not gonna compare them,”
Nick chuffed loudly at her, but she only punched his chest, bracing herself when he scooted down the cushion to continue where he’d left off. A few pumps in, and her head rolled back, his merciless grip returning to her waist.
“It’s so good,” he exhaled, intensifying his momentum. Callie cried out, back arching as he 'punished her pussy'. Pffft, that could get her going again. She’d long since stopped bouncing as dutifully, but her extra weight or stomach didn’t hinder his effectiveness in this position anyway, and adding his heat cycle that had just kicked in a day ago meant there’d be nothing stopping him until he climaxed.
But she was getting sore, as well as her back which already was from a morning of waddling around the house.
“Baby-”
“I’m almost there,” he snarled, his hips snapping upward harshly. She hissed, her face scrunching, but let her head drop back as she moved to hang off his shoulder. He was growling, and she suspected he was also eyeing the next spot he wanted to dig his teeth into. Since that first bite that scarred her breast, he’d taken cautionary nibbles across her body, calculating where he wanted to leave his next mark, and it both excited and terrified her.
Turn-ons aside, it hurt like a bitch.
“Nick I’m tired,” she exhaled, the little energy left in her draining rapidly. “We’re supposed to be Netflix and chilling,”
Nick laughed out then, face in a tight snarl- but also a smile?- as he looked up at her. “That’s exactly what we’re doing,”
Callie rolled her eyes, figuring if she wanted this over with, she’d better put her back into it, or get back into it. With her hands clasped behind his neck, she squatted onto her feet, snapping her hips forcefully. He keened loudly, head suddenly pressing back into the cushions and his thrusts shortening as she took over. “I’m gonna cum-”
The front door swung open, startling Pucca in their room to come running and barking.
“Ni- holy fuck,” Ward bellowed, spinning quickly with a hand sheilding his eyes.
Callie shrieked, her arms crossed over her breasts and falling into Nick’s chest as he carefully pushed her aside and off his lap before spinning in his seat.
“Daryl what the fuck!” Nick hollered, watching him try and push a jumping Pucca down, keeping his eyes covered.
“Fuck I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but you gotta com- you gotta go, we gotta go,” Ward stumbled, already moving out of the house in embarassment. “My bad, Callie,”
The door closed, and Nick understood then. He groaned. Another fucking briefing?
He looked at Callie who was pressed deep into the cushions, a hand over her mouth, and still spread enough to see where he’d once been before.
“Sounds like you need to go,” she cracked, and his brows flattened.
“I didn’t get to finish,”
“Good thing you did three times last night,” she smiled before sitting up to give him a quick kiss, then struggling to stand until Nick offered a hand. She mindfully stepped around him, giggling when his arms circled her thighs to nip playfully at her bare hip. With shaking legs she scooted to the bathroom, leaving him pent up and irritable… and still hard.
Nick exhaled harshly, flinging himself back into the couch. He waited a minute, but the hard-on wasn’t going anywhere. Upon snatching his phone from the ground, he noted the calls from Ward he’d ignored while pounding Callie into oblivion, and instead scrolled until he found his favorite video of them. With a shimmy of his shoulders against the cushions, he took matters into his own hand.
“Don’t forget to call me when you’re done,” Nick kissed into her cheek, grabbing the lunch she handed off.
“I know. Be safe- I love you,” Callie giggled and grunted in his tight embrace, smacking his back when a hand started to venture downwards. “Get outta here,”
“Yeah yeah,” he cracked, one last rub across her stomach before slipping on his Clubmasters and leaving, still quite unsatisfied. There was a lingering heat set in his skin despite the particularly cool day, and it made him all the more irritable. Now having to go in and deal with MTF- ugh.
Ward didn’t look at him once Nick climbed into the cruiser bitterly, but the Orc didn’t budge until his partner finally glanced over, meeting his irritated scowl.
“I’m sorry-”
“Ever heard of knocking?” Nick barked, and Daryl’s hands raised in guilt.
“You didn’t answer my calls,” Ward defended, but Nick only had another sarcastic glare.
“Now you know why,” he grumbled, sitting back in the passenger seat. “What does Kandomere want now?”
“I’ll let them be the ones to spill the beans.” Ward mumbled, pulling out onto the street.
He looked over suspiciously, but didn’t have the patience to question him further. Any little he had left needed to be saved for an encounter with their favorite agent.
“Leave of absence my ass,” Nick cursed under his breath, folding the papers given to them in angry jerks as they left the briefing room that Montehugh still occupied, just as put-off by the officers as they were of him. “They have witness protection program and hideouts for politicians but they can’t be bothered to let us out of the fucking city ourselves?”
“At least it’s paid, brother,” Ward tried, but he was just as irked.
“Callie isn’t gonna buy accumulated vacation hours as an excuse if we end up sitting around for weeks,”
“Neither will Sher,”
The two both sighed, already exhausted and heading for the lockers.
Truly, the two wished they could look forward to this unknown amount of time they got to spend at home, but keeping a cautious eye out for angry Brights, extra surveillance around their homes and keeping it from their girls was a few things that were too much to be contemplated with ease.
Sergey was already there, smoothing down the velcro flaps of his vest against his ribs when he spotted the disgruntled officers trudging in.
“Bad day before it’s started?” the rookie asked, and Nick only grumbled, having to re-enter his locker combination a few times in his impatience. A couple whiffs when he had walked by told him everything, and Sergey’s nose scrunched. “That time of the month, ha?”
Nick glanced at the young Orc cheerily looping his belt around himself, but now avoiding his glower.
It hadn’t occurred to Nick that his leave of absence would put him in the hands of another officers patrol, and not many of them had warmed up to his presence yet. It unsettled him further; what if he was stuck with one of the particularly crueler officers? Imagining them trying to frame Sergey for something outlandish wasn’t outlandish itself- it had almost happened to Nick, who says it couldn’t happen to the young one?
“Malinka,” Nick started after pulling his jacket off. “Starting tomorrow I’m going on an extended… vacation, which means you’re gonna be partnered with someone else,”
“Lucky man,” Sergey grinned; clearly he didn’t understand the gravity of Nick’s words yet. “Now I won’t be able to steal pieces of your lunch,”
“Sergey, pay attention,” Nick snapped quietly, stepping over as he buttoned his uniform. Sergey looked up, humor draining from his face. “You know how people here can be. They’re no different from the bastards on the outside, but here they have power. Do everything by the books while I’m gone. Don’t put yourself into a situation they can use against you,”
“That won’t happen,” Sergey tried, but Nick shook his head, silencing him.
“It can happen, though. What have I always told you?”
“Keep my temper even and make sure I go home to Dura,”
“Don’t forget any of that, you hear? They won’t treat you the same without me here,” Nick added, and the young one nodded, his curiosity peaking at the sudden concern coming forth.
“Everything okay old man?”
Nick scoffed, hitting his shoulder as he turned back to his locker. “Just keeping an eye out for you,” he answered without looking, but it wasn’t just that. The thought of something dire happening to Sergey troubled him tremendously. The guilt that would inevitably befall him would surely be crushing if it was announced that he’d been injured or accused of partaking in something based on Clan Law like Nick had been.
“Maybe I’ll do so well they’ll give me my own patrol early,” Sergey cracked, giving a wide, toothy grin that made Nick’s eyes roll.
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Woah shit,” Callie cursed under her breath, steadying herself against the truck door after sliding down the seat. A hand remained on her impressive baby bulge as she waited for the dizzy rush to subside, blinking away the color storm before her eyes.
A gentle shake of her head seemed to toss away the last of that one, and she grunted, stretching sideways over the high drivers seat to grab her purse and book from the center console before swinging the heavy door closed and locking Nick’s big Dodge Ram. With a hard puff and slipping her bag over her shoulder, she set to waddling through the parking lot, pulling her long hair up when she started to heat up a couple minutes into the trek to the entrance of the high risk clinic.
Pregnant woman in every shape and size all exchanged kind and understanding smiles with her as she made her way through the lobby, almost all of them fanning their faces with another hand at the bend of their miserable backs.
She boarded the elevator with another woman that had a little one already in tow alongside her late term belly, dropped low and looking as if she couple pop any day. The thin woman pushed her pretty red locks off her shoulder, smiling down at the little girl who’s curly hair matched her mothers, but hid behind her arm when Callie smiled at her.
“Hi,” the little one piped.
“Hola hermosa,” Callie said softly. “She’s too cute,”
“Thanks, lucky for me she’s sweet too otherwise I don’t know if I could handle another,” her mother chuckled, her raspy voice reminding her of Rosie. “How far along are you?”
“20 weeks,”
“Second?”
“First,” Callie grinned, and the woman's brows perked up.
“Big for 20 weeks,” she observed. “Husband an Orc or something?”
Callie swallowed. “He’s also like 2 heads taller than me,”
The woman pulled air through her teeth, wincing. “Have fun pushing that one out,”
The tension in Callie’s shoulders eased; revealing she was carrying an Orcs child was always a hit or miss, and thankfully this time the stranger had been kind and uncaring enough to not lecture or damn her. The elevator opened, and the woman tugged her pretty daughter along gently.
“Have a nice day.” she called back to Callie, who in turn waved to the little one waving shyly.
The heavy doors slid shut, and she pressed her floor again, grinning to herself.
“Husband,” she said lowly, rubbing her stomach affectionately. “Think daddy will lose his mind if I start calling him that?” she questioned silently, but the insistent kicker that kept her up at night was slumbering, at least until she sat down somewhere.
When she finally came to her floor, Callie wandered down the lonesome hallway, turning here and there before strolling into the waiting room. The plush seats were a welcome relief after waiting a bit for someone to come up to the counter, and after setting her bag and book down and crossing her knees with some difficulty, she went about filling out the extensive paperwork.
Halfling forms were vastly different from normal check-up sheets, according to Rosie who’d accompanied her once before. They wanted to know about Nick just as much as her, right down to his overall physical condition.
It bugged her some once comparing these to normal human pregnancy forms; the numerous and sometimes oddly specific questions carried closely to that of questions you’d expect to see on breeding forms for animals then it did for a mother bringing life into the world.
Regardless, she filled it all out, having memorized everything about Nick so she didn’t have to bother him while he was working.
“Flores?”
She nearly dropped her clipboard in her haste to rise awkwardly and grab her belongings once called.
Callie almost couldn’t bare to look down at the scale after she kicked off her sandals, but still did, groaning when a few more pounds had appeared.
“When does the gaining stop?” she whined, stepping off the scale.
“When you pop ‘em out.”
Her heels bounced softly off the examination table, looking down at the coflex tape holding the gauze in place after the blood draw, also eyeing the cookies and juice they’d given to compensate.
Eat the banana in your purse instead, you cow.
A soft knock at the door drew her attention, and in walked Dr. Sangiu, her luscious coils pulled back into a sleek bun.
“Afternoon Miss Flores, how are we feeling today?” she asked cheerfully, pulling in an ultrasound machine behind herself.
“A little deflated after that blood draw,” Callie cracked, and her doctor grinned guiltily.
“I apologize for that, but how about we take a look at that baby?” she asked, and Callie perked up. All other tests and pokes could be forgotten if it meant she got a small glimpse of their tiny life every week.
“Do I have to have another transvaginal one?” Callie asked, accepting Dr. Sangui’s hand in lowering her back onto the examination bed.
“Every week, I’m afraid,” she answered, stepping to turn the lights off and jerking the probe jelly downwards before wiggling some onto Callie’s stomach. She went on to ask her the usual round of questions; how she was feeling, any bleeding, the usual. “Remind me how far along we are?”
“20 weeks,” Callie answered, fixing the tissue over her lap and crossing her ankles.
“So you should be well over feeling kicks by now. Developed your linea nigra I see,” she followed the dark line down her stomach with her finger.
“Cocoa butter only lightened it,”
“That’s common, actually. Okay let’s see how we’re doing,”
It took only a few twists of the probe against her slippery stomach to find the baby, who as it turns out was just starting to wake from its afternoon nap.
“Still upright, that’s good. Look at that big yawn,” her doctor smiled, holding the probe still so Callie could see it’s little mouth open, and even the fuzzy definition of a tongue before it wiggled it’s small hands before it’s face.
“Nick would’ve killed to see that,” Callie whined lovingly, arms beneath her head and watching her nudger swirl and wiggle. “Still growing fast?”
Dr. Sangiu nodded, fingers flying over the keys to take shots and measurements. “Rounding out at a little over a pound and almost a foot long. Impressive size for this little guy at only 20 weeks,” she grinned, more tapping over the keys.
Callie smiled, but then realization dawned on her, and she looked to the screen. “Little guy?”
Immediately, the doctors hand flew over her mouth, motionless a moment as she stared at Callie. “I am- I am so sorry, I’ve never made that mistake in my 8 years of practice,”
But Callie’s eyes were still glued to the screen, no readable expression across her placid brows or lips.
“Miss Flores-”
“Can I see?”
She stuttered a moment, before saying, “Of course!” and moving back to the machine.
It took some clever pressing and turns of the probe, but eventually they found the baby’s little butt and moved up where she pointed and explained the anatomy. “You’ve got a baby boy on the way,” she still smiled, reserved that was.
Callie’s big eyes welled, and she fought the tremble in her bottom lip she hid behind her fingertips as a torrent of excitement overtook her alongside bounding love she hadn’t experienced so strongly until that moment. All this time she’d tread cautiously around her own pregnancy, only allowing small moments of daydreaming here and there, but now knowing they were expecting a Leo had her hands covering her face, hiding a teary, beaming smile.
“Please accept my deepest apologies Callie, I truly-”
“No, no,” Callie sniffled, wiping her eyes. “Please don’t be sorry. We were close to buckling anyways,” she laughed. “I’m just excited,”
“I’m still so sorry. I can’t believe I did that,” the graceful doctor mumbled to herself, continuing on with the ultrasound.
“Does he look good?” Callie asked, and she nodded encouragingly.
“Still growing like an Orc, right along with the projections estimated,” she explained, but Callie noted the concern in her tone. “Let’s sit you up,”
Stiffly she sat upright, wiping her stomach with her eyes kept on Dr. Sangui as she moved the machine aside and grabbed for her chart to sit in the stool before her.
“Do you remember your appointment a few weeks back when we spoke about the baby growing to full term before your body is ready?” she asked. Callie nodded. “Based on my projections and your ultrasounds, I’d expect your little boy to be ready to pop at about 34 weeks,”
“Not too early,” Callie figured. Still enough time to get the rest of the furniture.
“That’s not what I’m concerned about. He’s also a very big baby- I wouldn’t be surprised if he was easily a 10 pounder at birth or bigger, and if your body doesn’t happen to be in sync when he’s ready, a vaginal delivery could be extremely risky for a baby that big going over it’s due date,”
Her heart dropped into her gut. “Risky how?” Callie asked, a little forlornly.
“He could become stuck in your pelvis leading to suffocation, or you could hemorrhage seeing as your uterine wall is already thin and full of scar tissue. I’d even recommend an episiotomy to prevent tissue from tearing,” she went on, but clasped her hands before herself. “But right now, we need to discuss a plan of action to avoid all of that if your body isn’t ready for labor by the time he is,”
“What would that be?” the expectant mother asked hesitantly.
“If you’ve not started labor shortly after 34 weeks, I’d like to induce you, but have an OR on standby in case you need a cesarean,”
“That fast? It wouldn’t even be okay for him to cook a week more?”
“At the rate he grows, it could be the difference between a generally smooth labor or an extremely difficult one; one which we wouldn’t know the outcome for either of you,”
Callie looked away, trying to make sense of it all. “What if I refused this?”
“You could be putting yourself and your sons life in danger if it came to that,” she answered bluntly.
Your son.
My son.
It put things into perspective a little better. What she carried inside wasn’t just a baby, but her child- her son. Their son.
Nick would be furious if she so easily refused the doctors advice and put her and their son at risk after all they’d gone through, simply because she had something more ideal in mind.
“I’m sorry to have to burden you with this,” Dr. Sangui redressed, but Callie shook her head and waved away her apology.
“It’s just a little scary,”
“Remember that this is a back-up plan. There’s just as much a chance your body will do everything it needs to and you’ll have the delivery you want, so we’ll deal with that when we get to it, yes?” she grinned, the gentle squeeze of her hand around Callie’s comforting.
Surely she wouldn’t shake the overall worry until she had him in her arms no matter what delivery befell her, but for that moment, she was okay with her doctors reassurance.
“Have you started feeling Braxton Hicks yet?”
Callie blinked from her daze. “Yeah, but they’re completely random,”
“Good, we want them to stay irregular, and it means your body is well aware of what’s going on if it’s doing test runs,” she explained.
“They freak Nick out,” she grinned, and Dr. Sangui laughed.
“Wait until labor starts, he’ll be spinning. Okay,” another pat her on hand before she wheeled away. “Time for the other ultrasound,”
Trying to withhold her groan was useless as she scooted down the table and fixed the thin tissue covering her lap.
“Do you have any names picked out?” Dr. Sangui asked as she lifted the stirrups.
“We do for a boy, actually,” Callie grinned, laying back.
“Oh let’s hear it,” the elegant woman piped, snapping new gloves on.
She cleared her throat in hopes her voice wouldn’t waver when she tenderly said, “Leonardo.”
The door swung open wildly, and Callie stumbled through without spilling her Jamba Juice and kimchi stew take-out, or her purse that had plummeted from her shoulder and into the crook of her arm. Her phone still rang wildly in her purse, but trying to shove the door closed with her foot and ward off a jumping Pucca was near impossible.
“Parra de brincar!” she snapped, and Pucca dropped her head, staring up sadly with pretty almond eyes. It took some close calls and almost throwing her smoothie, but finally she emptied her arms enough to angrily yank her phone out and answer in time.
“Hey baby,” she exhaled, leaning against the counter. Trying to steady her breath with a baby attached was like trying to inhale with someone sitting on her back.
“You alright?” Nick asked anxiously.
“Yeah, almost dropped my dinner and crushed Pucca but I’m good,” Callie smiled, pinching the phone between her cheek and shoulder. “How’s work?”
“Pfft forget that, how’d the appointment go?” he asked in laughter, and Callie tensed up. She fought not to scream it at him.
“It was good, everything is going good so far,” her voice was still bubbly.
“Yeah? How’s the baby growing?”
“Yeah, about that,” she started.
“Oh fuck what?” he panicked.
“No calm down, everything is okay. My doctor thinks I’ll be full term by 34 weeks, not the full 40,”
“Oh. That’s definitely sooner,” he paused, and she could hear him counting under his breath. “That’s only 3 months away, holy shit. What’s the due date?”
“July 21st. She also said that if I don’t basically go into labor myself at 34 weeks, she wants to induce me,”
“That fast?” he asked, and she ‘mhm-ed’. “Is she that worried about the labor?”
“She is. She said L-” oh, that was close. “That the baby could get stuck or I could hemorrhage,”
“Well fuck,” Nick sighed. “Fuck, baby,”
“That’s just a back-up plan. I’m gonna do everything I can to push this thing outta me on my own, without a bunch of meds,” Callie said firmly, confidently, placing her Jamba Juice down hotly.
“When do you have to make a decision?”
“No- I don’t. It’s a back-up plan, in case something happens. Either way I don’t have much of a choice anyways. If I didn’t accept the help if it came to that, it could kill us both,”
“Jesus christ-”
“But that’s not happening, okay? So far everything is growing good and going good,” Callie affirmed, but could hear him sigh, and could just see him running his hand over his head; it was his nervous tick. “I got more ultrasounds. Got to see it yawn today too, it was so cute,”
“Of course I miss the good stuff. My little girl look anything like me yet?” he played, and Callie bit her bottom lip when she smiled, holding the phone against her chest a moment.
The shaky breath she took did nothing to calm her thumping heart.
“About that-”
She could tell Nick was away from the phone when she heard him talking, and then the distinct shrill of the sirens from over the phone also. “Yeah, this one- yeah that. Cal I gotta go, but I’ll call soon, yeah?” he asked.
“Yeah of course, be safe,” she grinned.
“Yep, love you,” he returned.
“I love you, bye.” she wiggled her phone into her hand, ending the call and Nick’s photo of a Snapchat cat filter over him while he slept faded from her screen.
She placed her phone down, going back to the takeout that had been knocked around quite a bit.
“When do you think I should tell him?” she asked out loud, but in a hushed tone, glancing down at her stomach. She’d felt the swirls start some time ago, after a few words passed between her and Nick that had stayed active, stirring further when her stomach growled.
“Do you think daddy would be upset to find out even though he wasn’t there?” she asked, giggling. “Nah, he’ll be excited no matter what. I can rub it in his face a little, too,”
Everyone’s face, actually.
Pucca’s head tilted side to side, listening intently to Callie’s soft words.
“My little Leo,” lovingly she declared, her cheeks starting to ache from the constant smile plastered across her face. “We’ll tell him when he gets home.”
With her food sorted and ready, Callie moved from the kitchen to change, but Pucca’s typical trotting beside her stopped abruptly when she looked at the door, her ears pointed forward. Low, half barks started bubbling from her, and she even moved closer, her tail wagging slowly.
Callie glanced back before moving down the hall. “Don’t you start.”
Her fist raised several times, her fingers resituating in her palm, but Tikka couldn’t bring herself to knock on the front door. Weeks of failed attempts and trying to find Ward on her own had brought her to this, her only cover being the dark of night and a wide hood over her platinum locks and pointed ears, but that wouldn’t work for long in a neighborhood like this; she was too out of place. She was at her wits end and still incredibly reluctant to involve Nick, but she didn’t know what else to do.
She looked down as her hand dropped, the other pinching the bridge of her nose.
Why was this so hard?
Again her fist lifted, but all she could muster was her hand rested on the door, her head hung. The conflicts in her heart and mind battled relentlessly. It exhausted her, leaving her desiring a full night's rest more than anything.
A few low barks from the other side of the door made her flinch back, stanced and ready to bolt.
“Don’t you start.” She heard a female voice say from inside, the barks heightening when Tikka stepped back quietly.
His wife… what if he’s not even home?
That doubt alone was enough to draw her away from the door, across the front yard and walking briskly down the sidewalk. She drew her hands into her pockets, her hood still drawn over head. With one option left, she started to reason with herself.
This last ditch effort could end only 2 ways: she could finally find Ward, or she’d be taken in by MTF, leaving Fero, and an unleashed Makhel to set LA ablaze, eventually uncovering the last of the Bright’s whereabouts and ending them. Still, these were met with more uncertainty. Anything could happen, or worsen. But with little advancements in the passing weeks, drastic measures needed to be taken if there was any chance left at stopping him.
“Do you got ‘em all?” Nick asked, his grip tightening around the arm of the vivacious teen they’d arrested that kept trying to jerk away. Nick scoffed, taunting, “Do you think you’re gonna run out of here?”
“Yeah- meet you at the pumps?” Sergey asked, and Nick nodded, walking into the station with the cursing teen who he could’ve easily picked up by the ankle and carried.
The rookie didn’t envy Nick. Intakes were the dull part of the process, and he’d already lost his cool once trying to cuff that little shithead, resulting in a serious reprimand from Nick about not becoming one of the cops that let anger turn an easy arrest into next mornings newest scandal about the LAPD. Sergey chuffed, climbing back into the cruiser and swinging it around the few confusing turns to the back corner of the precinct where their gas pumps were stationed.
Empty that night after another cruiser took off, and Sergey still waved despite the officer behind the wheel ignoring him. He did so more to bug them than actually expecting a return gesture.
With the cruiser parked and tank filling after roaming around on empty a while, he leaned against its side, looking down at his phone that had a few messages from Dura he’d not been able to answer a few hours prior. He chuckled; her paranoia when he didn’t answer promptly was cute.
Quick clopping of heels pulled his attention up, and he quickly found the hooded figure moving a little conspicuously around the cruisers, her hands shoved into the pockets of the elegant trench coat she wore.
“Are you lost, ma’am?” Sergey called out kindly.
The rate at which she spun made him flinch, nearly dropping his phone, but by the time he’d gathered himself, a glowing, humming wand was pointed right at him.
“Don’t,” the blue eyed girl snapped when he reached for his gun, the wand warbling louder in her hold.
Sergey struggled to calm the pulse thundering in his ears, his palms turned up and trembling.
Everything he’d been taught about de-escalation techniques had flown from his mind in the wake of panic, his mouth running drier than his confidence. Add in a Bright to the equation, he was downright terrified. He’d heard rumor of ‘trigger’ happy wand wavers and their ruthlessness; how was he gonna get out of this one?
“Where’s Jakoby?” she asked, but Sergy didn’t know how to answer.
“Not here,” he forced out, and she took an intimidating step towards him.
“Where!?”
“He- he’s booking someone!” Sergey’s back hit the cruiser.
She looked around fleetingly, her fingers adjusting and tightening around the wand, a few side to side shuffles showing she wasn’t entirely confident in her actions, either. During one long look over their surroundings, he let his hand rest on his gun, and thankfully she didn’t notice when glaring back at him.
“Call him,” she ordered. “Call him!”
Inwardly he cursed himself for flinching, slowly reaching for his shoulder walkie.
“Jakoby, can you come to the pumps ASAP?” he spoke as evenly as possible, but also hoped his tone was enough to bring his partner to them quickly before this woman decided she didn’t need him anymore.
“Gimme a few minutes kid,” the radio sounded, and both of them showed clear annoyance with his response.
But it also got Sergey thinking that it might’ve been enough time for someone else to come along and at least scare her off.
Keep your temper even and go home to Dura.
“Maybe I can help you with what you need,” Sergey tried, but her expression was unmoving, as was the creaking wand.
“No. Not you,” she ground out, but he still caught her accent, which brought together the alarming brightness of her eyes.
He took a few low inhales, but couldn’t hide the scrunching of his nose. He hated how elves smelled. All of them sickly sweet; it leaked from their pores so pungently.
“If you’re looking for an Officer I can assure you I can help-”
“I said not you!” she screamed, her voice breaking.
“Tikka!”
Nick knew it was her before she even spun to face him. This had been long awaited, no matter how much he wanted to avoid or deny the possibility of ever seeing her again. His heart plummeted into his stomach, his eyes meeting Sergey’s fleetingly.
“Jakoby,” she whimpered, face tightening with restraint. “Where’s Ward?”
“What’re you doing here Tikka?” Nick asked, his voice brought down to a plea as he approached her, his hands held up with the wand still pointed at him.
“It doesn’t concern you,” she wavered.
“You broke into my truck-”
“Where is he!?” she demanded, and when Nick’s eyes flew behind her, she again spun.
“Sergey!” Nick yelled, but he’d already drawn his gun and pointed, but bullets were no match against magic. The attack wasn’t as loud as it was powerful, so much that Nick felt the kick-back from the blast after the concentrated, vibrating sphere of force hit the rookie at the center of his chest, throwing him back against the cruiser effortlessly.
The wand pointed back to Nick, meeting his own raised glock, but he was having trouble telling if he could see Sergey breathing on the ground, his gun still in hand, otherwise motionless.
Nick struggled to control his ragged breathing, ire shooting to every ending of his body. Get up, Sergey. Get up.
Tikka’s hood had blown back, and he could finally see her entirely. What he could guess was years of hardship showed evident on her still youthful face, but the light in her eyes had dulled considerably since seeing her all that time ago.
They stood, armed and ready to fire, but both unwilling.
“Just tell me where he is,” she begged, her face sorrowing.
“I can’t,” Nick’s tone was desperate, but his aim was steady.
“Tell me! I can’t be here!”
“Then go! Get out of here, just leave!”
“No! I need him! I’ve been trying to find you all day now just tell me where Ward is!” she yelled, both hands moving to the wand. Don’t make me do this.
Nick’s ears twitched, his eyes narrowing. “Where have you-”
“Answer me! I’m being followed I can’t stay here!”
His blood ran cold, his gun dropping to his side as he stepped forward, uncaring of the shrill ringing of the wand that was only inches from his chest. “Have you been to my home?”
“Jakoby please-”
“Have you!?” he hollered, and she flinched.
“I was only there a moment-”
Nick didn’t wait to hear anymore. He spun on his heel while his gun was holstered, ripping the walkie off his shoulder and tossing aside the one from his belt. Everything was forgotten, his thoughts tunneling; he had to get home immediately. Fuck the leave of absence tomorrow or reporting to Kandomere- fuck Tikka. If she’d just compromised Callie’s safety, it was best he wasn’t around her. He couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t lash out with all the anger that’d built over the weeks if he still stayed back there.
He hadn’t smelled blood from Sergey upon leaving, and desperately hoped he was alive.
He could feel panic coursing through him as he ran to his truck, throwing himself into the driver's seat.
The engine turned hotly, but he wasn’t prepared for Tikka to be gracefully slipping into the passenger seat just as he’d started to back-up.
“Get out,” he snapped.
“No-”
“GET OUT!” he bellowed, his head shaking with rage.
“If he’s there you’re going to need me!” she bit back just as viciously, and with confusion, and great reluctance, he went on to whip the truck wildly in reverse before the tires screeched across the pavement out of the parking lot.
Her tongue was pinched between her teeth, carefully and delicately, for the 8th time, writing Leo’s full name across another sticky note she planned to stick besides the one on the door that would be his room. Callie still wasn’t totally satisfied with her poor handwriting, but it was the best of the bunch so far.
“That looks good, right?” she asked Pucca, holding it before her. The merle pit sniffed diligently, but lost interest when there was no treats hidden in her palms. “It looks decent at best, huh?” she went on, inspecting it closer.
“Do you think he’ll even notice?” she also asked, but Pucca had trotted from the table to paw at her chew toy stuck under the couch, leaving Callie before a small pile of crumpled sticky notes and a mess of colored pens littered across the tables surface.
Leo somersaulted, and she could imagine his impatience growing to be rocked again since she’d first sat at the table an hour ago to put together the little surprise.
“Calmase, Leo,” she pleaded, sitting straighter. It felt like he was trying to stand up inside her stomach. Still, she couldn’t help smiling every time his name made it past her lips. She’d only dared saying it a few times since that appointment, more so not to antagonize her own dark thoughts that kept reminding her: something could still go wrong.
A loud, vicious bark from Pucca turned Callie with a hand against her chest, finding the pitbull stood beside the couch, her head in line with her spine and ears perked forward, staring at the door.
“You know you’re gonna have to get over you obsession with opossums by the time Leo gets here,” Callie rolled her eyes, but then she noted the fur standing on her back, and the rippling, low growls emitting from her. Callie glanced at the door.
“Pucca?” she said softer, standing. “What is it mija?”
Even when Callie leaned over to pat her side, Pucca continued growling, her lips pulled back over her impressive rows of sharp teeth.
There was a harsh shuffle outside the door, and Callie flinched as Pucca lurched forward, barking wildly.
Dread flooded her, as well as recollections of her past attack flying before her eyes.
Of burning light coming in through a broken door, and the stinging pull of tape around her wrists while shattering blows struck her head. She could still recall the agonizing pain in her stomach, and the moment the doctors told her she’d miscarried.
Her head felt light, her breathing rapid with her hand clutching her stomach.
No, not again.
A small wave of energy swam through the home, and everything around her went dark. TV, lights- even her phone on the table she'd been listening to music on, it all turned off.
“Pucca, Pucca! C’mon!” she hissed, moving back towards the hall as a low glow started to shine through the cracks of the front door. Her brows furrowed, her back hitting the entrance to the hallway.
When a loud whirring sounded from outside, Callie bolted, swinging around the doorframe to their room just as the door flung open with a thundering boom, bouncing harshly against the wall as wood splinters and smoke billowed in from outside.
————————————————————————————————
Uh-oh. 
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jeromebrooke1991 · 4 years
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vaughnbasaldua-blog · 6 years
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