I get way too sensitive when I get attached to someone. I can detect the slightest change in the tone of their voice, and suddenly I’m spending all day trying to figure out what I did wrong.
Humans of New York - Amman, Jordan
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“december, close the chapters that don’t speak to my spirit and open up the pages that remind me of who i am. give me the courage to release myself from what i’ve outgrown so i can fit into shoes suited for where my journey is going. balm me in patience and soak my bones in love.”
— iambrillyant
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I don't know how many times I've started over after giving up, but I remember the unbearable weight that each one left on my shoulders. I remember the ones who told me they didn't care anymore, that I could dig my own grave. I remember the very few that kept me going- friends, therapists, lovers.
But there are too many memories to list here, too many nights that I have come to regret, mistakes I know now that I never should have made. I can list my mistakes in my head, but it's only a matter of time before the words escape me and only snapshots of tear-stained mornings and nights where I only knew of plastic slamming against my skin are all I can think about.
She denies it when I bring it up, immediately playing the victim in whatever fucked up narrative she has going on in her head. I clench and unclench my fists, doing everything in my power not to start a fight, not to make our relationship any worse than it already is. Not that I succeed. I feel farther from her than ever now, and maybe it's my doing... but didn't she do this to herself, to me? Didn't she take that knife and wedge it so deep between us that she watched me bleed crimson rivers at midnight, tears clinging to my eyelids as I shattered?
I don't listen to the songs we used to dance to in the living room anymore, too scared of the flashbacks that come with it. I can't question why she did it, can't bring them up in conversation, because I know exactly what will follow. Rolling of eyes, gaslighting, blatant denial when we were both there that night, one hurting and screaming, the other with wide, angry eyes as they destroyed a child's trust, their sense of safety. I often wonder what my life would be like if those nights never happened- if she held me close the way she swore she always did to anyone that asked. Therapists, friends, family. I wonder how many people outside my immediate family know what really happened behind closed doors, though I have a pretty firm belief that I know how low that number is.
If I completely changed who I was, if I turned back time, would she still have done it? If I had been more like my friends, more like my sister? Would I feel better, safer? Would I still be able to churn out fantasies as easily as they come? Would I close my eyes and see myself in a little apartment in the countryside, my favorite people by my side, so far away from my blood relatives that I almost remind myself of a long-lost relative, so far away and distant because that was what she chose?
I don't know. Maybe I never will.
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And sometimes it hits me, how deeply you cut me. The things you stole from me. The behaviors you left in me. I hate what you created, I hate what you did to me.
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You see - you’ve done it again. You’ve made it through another year. Whether you’re a fighter who suffers in silence or someone who shares their struggles with the world, you have over a hundred reasons to be proud of yourself. I hope you’ll never stop celebrating your victories, no matter how small they might seem to others. I hope you’ll find the courage to take that last step, to write that letter, to send that text. I hope you will be brave enough to change your life. What are you waiting for? Please don't tell me you're not ready yet. Truth is you will never feel ready enough to take a step out of your comfort zone. Something new will always be scary at first. If 2022 was for slow transformations and growth, 2023 will be about taking the leap. About the big jump - the falling, and the flying. Accept that you deserve something bigger, something better. You've got this.
hi, 2023 / n.j.
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I get way too sensitive when I get attached to someone. I can detect the slightest change in the tone of their voice, and suddenly I’m spending all day trying to figure out what I did wrong.
Humans of New York - Amman, Jordan
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“april, magnify my awareness and shrink my fears, energize my purpose and starve any apprehensions. soften opinions i carry of myself so i’m not weighed down by perception, solidify my sense of self so it can’t be broken by anything that misunderstands me. lead me towards growth.”
— iambrillyant
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New Directions in Prose and Poetry 18, Edited by James Laughlin, New Directions, New York, NY, 1964 [Between the Covers, Gloucester City, NJ]
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okay we are loving ourselves today by force & order of me so here's an exercise: please put in the tags how your fav would describe you if they were writing about you
keep in mind - this is someone who loves you. words that are NOT allowed include: boring, average, ugly or anything relating to unattractiveness. see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you and let me know how they see you.
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