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yeowangies · 8 months

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Blood Stains

CHAPTER X: If I bleed you'll be the last to know

❧

PAIRING: Raditz/F!Reader RATING: Explicit CONTENTS: Canon Divergence AU, Slow burn, Smut, Enemies to Lovers. WARNINGS: Explicit sexual content. WORDCOUNT: 4791

Summary:

You freeze in place. It has been a month since you had that argument with Raditz. What is he doing here? Even when weeks went by, you’re not sure you’ve cooled off enough to handle this yet. Or at all, since you were positive you would never see his face again.

Notes:

I feel like it's been a year since I've updated this, but it's only been a little over a month. I wrote this chapter like two months ago, and as I was reading this to check if everything is as I want it to be, I realized that I've written something that I wish I had in my life. I'm not gonna go too deep into this but it was weirdly comforting.

Again, I won't know when I'll post the next chapter, I'm currently busy with a lot of irl stuff, but hopefully it's gonna be in less than a month this time!

The lyrics in the title is from Taylor Swift's Cruel Summer. Enjoy!

You can check the tag #*bs if you wanna see the previous chapters.

A confrontation like that was not how you wanted to end things with Raditz. Because it was definitely over after that. You’re certain you won’t see him again.

You feel it in your bones, he likes staying with you and being with you. He has slept so much better the second time around, and he hasn’t been so tense. What he said hurt and you are still angry, so angry, but it was your fault he stormed out like that, you shouldn’t have said anything. You shouldn’t have talked to him as if he was going to break.

Then again, remaining silent didn’t feel right either. Even if you had agreed to only sleep together.

It was stupid to think you wouldn’t get attached. You never expected this affair to last for as long as it did, which wasn’t even that long to begin with. You even got to know him during his short stay, and even before that when he was staying at Capsule Corp; you know him too much for someone who you were just going to share a bed with every once in a while.

Lust was how all of it started, but it has transformed into something more, even if you don’t even want to acknowledge it yourself.

Would all that actually change anything?

You purposely had avoided the topic of his stay here on Earth, or about the Saiyans, before that day. But he said some things and you couldn’t keep your mouth shut. Nothing feels right, and you feel like punching a wall. Which would probably hurt less than when you slapped him, it’s like his face was made of steel.

You know for sure Raditz won’t ever come back, and you get more used to the idea as days pass by. It doesn’t hurt any less, though, and your heart feels tight whenever you dwell on it.

“I’m staying at Kame House for a few days, do you wanna come along?” Bulma asks over the phone one afternoon, in a cheery tone.

You haven’t told Bulma anything about Raditz at all; keeping it a secret was for the best, or so you thought. You were regretting it a bit now, all your emotions were bottling up inside and that couldn’t be good. But you’re not ready to share everything yet.

“No, it’s okay, I… have work to do.”

“Don’t forget the Saiyans are getting here one of these days, it’d be better if you’re here when that happens.”

“I know.”

“Do you know anything about Raditz?”

You inhale sharply before clearing your throat.

“I don’t.”

“That’s so weird, he just disappeared. I would assume he left the planet, but he doesn’t have any ship, does he?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Mmh, I’m sure we’ll know what he’s been up to once his two buddies come here. I know Goku can take them.”

“Yeah… Yeah, Goku is unbeatable, right?”

“…Are you okay? You don’t sound too good…”

“I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve been thinking about this too much.” At least that part isn’t a lie. “Don’t worry, okay? Call me if anything happens.”

You hang up after that.

It has been almost a year since Goku died. It doesn’t feel like so much time has passed. Since you’ve been trying to avoid the topic altogether when Raditz was around, you actually lost track of time until Bulma called to tell you about it.

You’re reconsidering actually making a bag and getting to Kame House too when a loud knock on the balcony startles you.

“Open up.” Raditz’s loud voice demands from the other side of the balcony door. “Unless you want me to blast through the wall.”

Fuck. You know he isn’t bluffing.

Breathing in deeply, you open the door ajar to look him up. He’s still as handsome as ever even when he doesn't have his usual smirk, you want to gouge out your eyes because of how furious it makes you. You lock eyes with him for a brief second before moving to the side to let him in.

Raditz stands in front of you with his eyes fixed on your face, but your gaze is elsewhere. Now that he is here, you don’t want to apologize first. You’re hurt, but you’re still very angry too. You’re a lot of emotions together at once with him.

“Are you not even going to look at me?” He asks, annoyed.

You sigh, slowly, turning your eyes towards him. You can’t decipher the expression on his face, but Raditz is staring at you with such intensity you’re worried he might be seeing right through you. You avert your gaze from him after a second, unsure if you want to slap him again or jump right into his arms.

You’re startled when Raditz abruptly takes a few steps towards you and grabs your arms, pulling you closer and leaning down to capture your lips in a kiss. A surprised noise escapes you, melting a little inside when you feel him so close after all that time. It takes a second for you to remember that you’re still upset and that you don’t actually want to give in this easily.

“No…” You murmur quietly into the kiss, pushing urgently at his shoulders to get him off. “No, Raditz, I don’t wanna do this!”

“Your body is saying otherwise.” He says with a smirk, hands sliding underneath your shirt and making you shiver.

“I don’t wanna do this when I’m mad at you!” You clarify, pulling away from him the best you can in his embrace.

“Isn’t this the best way to make amends?”

That smug grin of his grows wider and your face heats up, but you still roll your eyes.

“I’m not doing this until you apologize. What you said to me hurt…”

Raditz pulls away, frowning deeply, his hands closing into fists then opening and closing again a couple of times. You realize that he probably won’t apologize first; you wonder if he actually can apologize at all, not because he’s incapable, but maybe it’s something he has never done before.

“Though I guess, I really hurt you too.” You say after seconds of silence, taking the first step. “I didn’t mean to talk to you that way… I’m sorry. What I said was true though, I do care about you…”

He nods, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“What am I supposed to say?” Raditz asks, with his eyes still on your face.

“I don’t know… tell me how you feel?” His frown gets deeper and you want to laugh because he looks like a petulant child who simply can’t have things his way. You offer him a small smile instead. “Do they not teach Saiyans how to apologize?”

“We do not apologize.”

You sigh, your smile turning sour because you expected that answer.

“It wasn’t my intention to upset you.” Raditz says, to your surprise, as he gets closer again with a smirk. “Let me show you how sorry I am.”

You huff, smiling despite yourself, when his hands reach for you again, pulling you closer by your shirt until you’re flush against him.

“You’re only saying that cause you wanna get laid!”

“I’m saying that because I want you.” He leans down to bury his face in your neck, pressing his nose to your skin and breathing in deeply. “If you do not want this, tell me to stop.”

Goosebumps form on your skin when you feel his breath near your ear, and you jolt when his hands trail under your shirt once more.

You don’t know if that apology of his is enough, but he did say he was sorry in a way.

When Raditz realizes you won’t stop him, he removes all your clothes urgently, and you help him get rid of his as he kisses you fervently. You feel his desperation by the way his hands gripped your body, pressing you as close as possible while his lips devoured you. You had to pull away for air, but he just kept planting kisses down your jaw and neck.

You soon forget why you’ve been mad all this time, and your mind goes completely blank when he lays you on the bed and kneels down on the floor, grinning cheekily as he throws your legs over his shoulders.��

“I may not be good with words, but I know I’m damn good at other things.” Raditz purrs, tracing his lips on the inside of your thighs.

You laugh breathily because he’s obviously right, and you’re too weak to argue about whatever you were talking about before.

Whatever Raditz gets out of going down on you, you don’t know, but you don’t ponder on the thought when he coaxes you into coming twice with just his mouth in what must be record time. You’re still in haze when he crawls on top of you, kissing you gently as he pushes his cock inside you.

“Fuck, I needed this…” He grunts in your ear, once he’s fully sheathed. “I need you. I want you.”

Raditz sets a steady yet hard pace, slamming his hips against yours. You whimper, your body still sensitive, and after a few rough thrusts you get closer to the edge again. You don’t even try to fight it or to make it last longer; after having come twice already, you’re too weak to do much.

Wrapping your arms around him, you hold him close as your release washes over you, shuddering and letting out a stuttered moan. Raditz groans against your skin before biting down your neck, moving into you faster until his body tenses, coming inside with a guttural growl.

He practically collapses on top of you once he’s spent but you don’t mind it; it’s nice to feel him so close after so many days when you were getting used to the idea that you wouldn’t meet him again. Running your hands up and down his back and threading your fingers through his hair, you sigh contently until he rolls over to the side.

When he pulls you closer with an arm around your shoulder and his tail on your waist, you look at him with wide eyes. He rarely initiates cuddling.

“I thought I was never going to have you again.” Raditz confesses quietly, only for you to hear.

“I thought you wouldn’t come back either…” You respond softly. “I didn’t want that to be the last time we saw each other. Everything I said… You shouldn’t take my word for it anyway.”

“Didn’t you say you meant it?”

“When I said I care about you, yeah, I did, but everything else… I mean, you know me enough. I come home to an empty apartment every day. Who am I to talk about how you live your life…”

Your eyes are looking at the window, fixed on the sky, tinted with dark orange as the sun sets, but you can feel his eyes trained on your face.

“I still have a lot to apologize for, is that what you’re saying?” Raditz asks, pressing you closer.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

He hums in response, and you shut up for once, not wanting to drag this along anymore. When he presses his nose to the top of your head, breathing in your scent, you close your eyes, relaxing for a minute, pleased that he has magically decided to come and stay for at least a little while.

“You didn’t ask me to clean myself this time.” Raditz casually says, and you snort. You’re aware that you didn’t, but you also didn’t catch any weird smell when he was close, so you don’t really care.

“I was just ignoring how dirty you are.”

“Is that so?” He shifts, moving even closer and pressing his lips to your neck again. “Do you want to take a shower with me?”

You’re only human, and Raditz is looking at you with eyes that make you want to sink and drown in them. He effortlessly carries you to the shower, and as water falls down both of your bodies, he kisses you heatedly when he slides inside you again, moving at a steady pace, and it doesn’t take long until you both come simultaneously.

Later that night, when he’s sleeping by your side with an arm draped over your waist, tears well up in your eyes. You don’t dare to think about it, let alone say it out loud, but you know how you feel. You know well what the word is for how you feel towards him. Anxiety about the upcoming days keeps you from reveling in your feelings because you know this won’t end well. This was supposed to be just casual but you had been naive to think it could remain that way as time went by.

Swallowing down your feelings, and telling yourself to keep quiet about them and how much it’s going to hurt once he leaves, you blink your tears away before they can spill as you press closer to Raditz, and try to sleep.

Raditz was honest when he said he thought he was never going to lay with you again. He was sure you wouldn’t want to work things out when he got to your place to talk to you, you were the one who told him to leave after all. Thankfully, he had been wrong; he figured he would have to say sorry even if he didn’t know how. But when he kissed you and your body responded to him, he knew not all was lost. He’s very aware he did the bare minimum, but apologizing is something he has never done, not like this, not when he’s actually sorry and has to show himself vulnerable to someone else. It’s comforting to know you did the same for him.

He feels you moving more than usual when the two of you go to sleep that night, as well as how tense your body is against his. He’s close to actually asking if there’s something wrong, but you end up falling asleep at some point.

After sharing a bed with you for so many nights, Raditz already knows you’re not a light sleeper, not like he is. He moves to press closer when he wakes up the next morning, and you don’t even notice, too deep in your slumber to respond to his gesture. He can’t see your face from his position; your back is against his chest, the faint sunlight filtering through the window highlights the line of your body, and he can smell your hair. Small benefits from lying down like that.

The desire to stay like this, with his nose buried in your hair and an arm wrapped around your waist while the sun rises, is unfamiliar and confusing, yet not entirely unwelcome. Since he never actually had sex and slept with someone before, especially not as many times, he’s not sure how normal it is to feel this way, but it brings him a sense of peace that he has never experienced before. The closest feeling to this one was the one he got after purging a planet, like satisfaction from having finished a job, and knowing he could relax for a bit. Yet at the same time, it’s unfair to compare the two, they were similar, but nothing alike.

Saiyans rarely mated for life, but it wasn’t completely uncommon. Raditz is well aware, his parents were one of the few mated couples on the planet. But it had been a long time ago, and the image of everyone else he may have known is fuzzy. Is this how his parents felt when they were with each other?

He knows he’s become quite fond of you; after you told him to leave last time and the prospect of never touching you again sank in, how important you are to him became much more obvious. But what's more surprising is that it doesn’t bother him at all.

Except for the fact that Vegeta and Nappa are coming to this planet God knows when. Raditz has lost track of time a long time ago, all he knows is that they are getting here someday.

He remembers well that he was looking for the Dragon Balls too. For immortality, or something. He’s been rethinking that wish for a few days now, but there isn’t any alternative that satisfies him.

His focus shifts when you stir, humming softly as you wake up. You look comically startled to see him staring at you when you turn to him with sleepy eyes.

“Hey,” You mumble, clearing your throat, “You should have woken me up if you were awake.”

“Why?” His tail that has been draped over your hip tightens, holding you closer to his body.

“I don’t know, aren’t you hungry, or bored?”

“I’m not.” Raditz chuckles; maybe he’s a little hungry, but he rather stays like this. “You snore when you sleep and that’s pretty entertaining.”

“I do not!”

“Yes, you do. Pretty loudly.”

“Well, you snore too, and even louder!”

You’re looking at him with drowsy eyes, rosy cheeks, and messy hair; he can’t resist.

Laughing quietly, Raditz brings the hand on your waist up to your cheek to stroke it, pulling you closer towards him and gently pressing his lips to yours. You make a surprised soft noise and squirm in his arms, making him smile into the kiss, completely pleased with your reaction. He plants another brief kiss before pulling awake, and you stare at him with wide eyes.

“Why did you do that?” You ask shyly, blushing deeper. He’s not sure why you’re blushing, you had kissed each other before, plenty of times.

But he’s never kissed you just because, with no intentions of sex.

Raditz remains quiet, only staring at your face for a little while before you move to sit up.

“I should get up… I’ll make breakfast.”

Your cheeks still have a faint pink hue as he watches you walk out the room towards the bathroom.

You stare at him more often than usual during the morning, while he eats, and he usually wouldn’t mind it, but you’re not even saying anything that would explain why you keep your eyes trained on him with such intensity.

“You keep staring at me, girl, what are you thinking?”

“I didn’t realize I was… Sorry.”

Raditz grunts in response, noticing that you look embarrassed for being caught. He doesn’t get it, though.

“I don’t like it when you call me ‘girl’.”

“What? Why? You are a girl.” He frowns, confused.

“I am but I’m not a child, I’m a woman.”

“I’m well aware of that.”

“How old are you, anyway? You look around Goku’s age.”

“I don’t know.” Raditz replies after some time.

“You don’t know how old you are?”

“No. I was seven when Planet Vegeta was destroyed. I stopped counting after that.”

You look sad for whatever reason; he doesn’t get that either.

“Goku was sent here as a baby…” You start after some time, thinking out loud and locking eyes with him. “Do you remember how old you were when he was born?”

“I was six.”

“So, a year later, your planet was destroyed?”

“More or less, yes.”

“Mmh… Goku was 24 when he died-”

“Can we stop talking about Kakarot?”

“-and he would have been 25 by now. And you’re 6 years older than him. So you’re 31.”

Raditz blinks, unsure of how to react.

“You’re not that much older than me then, I was a bit worried.” You smile cheerily.

“You were worried?”

“A bit, yeah. You could have been 100 years old for all I know. But I’m glad we are close in age.”

“Is age that important? How old are you?” He eyes you up and down; he doesn’t have any concept about how humans age, but you look young.

Do humans stay young for a long time, like Saiyans? Doubtful. Saiyans were built like that to fight for decades, but humans do not do that.

“I’m 28.” You smile wider, resting your arms on the table and leaning closer. “You also seem like a Scorpio.”

“The fuck are you talking about?”

“It’s a human thing, according to when you were born, you have certain personality traits.”

“You humans sure have a lot of free time on your hands.”

Raditz yanks your chair closer to his with his foot, making you jolt, obviously surprised, but you keep talking.

“Yeah, well, we were never involved in intergalactic wars. But I’m not sure if you’re more like a Scorpio or a Gemini…”

“I don’t know what any of that means.”

He effortlessly picks you, making you sit on his lap and holding you close as his lips find your neck, pressing kisses up your jaw.

“You can be a Scorpio because you’re a little stubborn, among other things…” You giggle when he presses his nose to the skin under your ear, taking in your scent. “Or a Gemini because you’re mischievous, and a little tense…”

Raditz isn’t really paying too much attention to what you’re saying, he’s too preoccupied with how your body feels, how soft your skin is, and how sweet your smell is to respond to your words.

“You’re not listening to me…” You say, quietly and breathily, as he sneaks a hand underneath your shirt.

“I’m busy.” He nibbles your jaw, and you shiver slightly in his embrace. “I don’t understand a word you’re saying anyway.”

Capturing your lips next, you’re finally silenced as he kisses you ardently, digging his fingers into your flesh to press you as close as possible. You hum contently, kissing him just as eagerly, and Raditz feels his chest tightening with adoration.

It’s a strange sensation, being aware of his affection for you, and the affection itself, having never experienced anything close to it. He could spend hours just sitting there, kissing you, touching you, and even more.

When he pulls away to take off your shirt, Raditz notices that the sky has turned pitch black, leaving your apartment in the dark. It’s morning, the sun was out just a minute ago. You gasp when you notice it too, and you stiffen in his arms. Looking at your face, even in the shadows, he immediately can tell that you know what’s going on.

“What is this?” He asks, staring at you.

He hears you swallow as your hold on his shoulders tightens, but you don’t answer.

Raditz stands up, helping you stay on your feet before he walks to the window to look outside. There’s nothing going on besides the sky being completely obscured. He focuses on detecting energies, but there’s no one who catches his attention.

The darkness only lasts a few minutes before the sun is out again, just in the same spot it was before. He has been on Earth enough to know that hasn’t been a common occurrence on that planet. And there isn’t any moon for it to be an eclipse.

When Raditz turns to look at you, you seem upset, with your brows furrowed and mouth slightly open.

“You know what’s going on. Tell me.” He wants to sound demanding, but he has grown too soft to even raise his voice at you.

You open and close your mouth a few times, and he waits patiently for an explanation, but before he can get one, your phone rings. He’s about to tell you to ignore it, but you quickly turn to pick it up. His eyes follow you, and he listens in to your conversation (as he usually does when you talk on the phone with someone).

“Oh, hi, Bulma… Yeah, I saw. I figured it was you. So Goku is back? Tomorrow? But that’s a month early! Yeah, I know. I’ll be there. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Raditz watches as you hang up, and slowly, very slowly, turn to him. You still look distressed as you lock eyes with him.

“The Saiyans are getting here tomorrow.”

He couldn’t hide the surprised look on his face. Tomorrow? Has it been a year? No, that’s why you said ‘that’s a month early’. It hasn’t been a year, but he has lost track of time to even notice how long it’s been. He’s been too distracted.

“And… They brought Goku back to life. Now you can’t use the Dragon Balls…”

Raditz frowns. He wanted the Dragon Balls to make a wish (immortality, was it?) but he doesn’t really care about that anymore.

You’re looking at him with big eyes, and he understands why you seem so upset now.

When Raditz takes a few steps forward he isn’t really thinking, he just knows that he wants to touch you and feel you close more than ever before. You’re startled by how fast he lunges towards you, and you even gasp when he kisses you. He presses you against the telephone stand, almost tumbling it over, but he really doesn’t care, wrapping his arms tightly around you. He kisses you as if he hasn’t been kissing you the past few days, the past few months, with intensity, tasting your lips and every corner of your mouth.

“Raditz-” You call for him against his lips, clinging to his shoulders. “Wait-”

“I don’t want to wait.” He practically growls, gripping your waist so tight he regrets it, thinking he might have hurt you, but you only hum in response. “I don’t want to talk. Just…”

At a loss of words, he trails off, but luckily you don’t try again.

You only moan his name, and the occasional curse, when Raditz presses you against the mattress moments later, moving in and out of you at a slow pace, kissing you heatedly the entire time, swallowing down all your noises and all the words that escape your lips. He groans your name against your skin every time he comes, holding you close, knowing this time that he will have to let you go once tomorrow arrives.

When he decided that this situation with you was just a distraction in what could only be considered a ‘pause’ in the usual pace of his life, he hadn’t been thinking clearly. He feels like he’s bleeding inside again, for different reasons now.

Raditz stays in bed with you for most of the day (he still knows you’re human, and you can’t possibly keep up with him if he were to actually fuck you all day long, and you both need to eat anyway). For once you don’t talk too much, and he realizes he actually likes it when you do, when you ask him questions or when you quip a witty remark at him.

He doesn’t know what he’s going to do tomorrow.

“You’re not going to go there, are you?” Raditz asks you the next morning, eying you up and down as you sit on the bed, tying up your shoes.

“No, I’m going to be at Kame House.”

“That pink house where we met?”

“Yeah…”

He nods. He doesn’t know why he even asked, if something were to happen to the planet, it wouldn’t matter where you are.

“I’ll take you there.”

“Oh, I can get there myself.” You show him a small smile. “Thank you, though.”

Raditz would argue but it’s better that way. He can say goodbye to you alone here.

As soon as you stand up, he kisses you. You get surprised every time, but you return it just the same. He glides his lips over yours, slow and sweet, as he holds your face. This might be the last time he gets to kiss you, so he makes it last until he feels you’re struggling for air. He’s going to miss that hazy look in your eyes when he breaks a kiss, the look you currently have as he leans his forehead against yours.

Unsure of what to say, Raditz just keeps his eyes locked with yours for a while. You said before you want him to say goodbye whenever he leaves. He doesn’t want to say it, but he does anyway.

“Goodbye.”

His body protests when he takes a step back, his hands on your face leaving you last. You still look distressed, and he waits for a minute, in case you want to say something.

When you don’t, Raditz finally turns to the balcony, opening the door and flying away.

#dbz imagine #dbz fanfiction #dbz fics #raditz x you #raditz x reader #dbz #raditz #my writing #*bs

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lantur · 2 months

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good things,

I had a three-day weekend!! Saturday was a very chill day doing board games with Derek, and we watched Taylor Tomlinson's newest Netflix special at night. I love her work so much - both her second and third specials literally bought tears to my eyes at times because I related so much to her material.

I had a fun day with my friend Laura yesterday. We went to the gym and I was her personal trainer as I guided her through my upper body strength routine. :) Afterward, we came back to my place and had a homemade brunch party. Laura made an egg bake, and I made chicken and waffles. Tip for chicken and waffles: use the Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuit mix in your waffle maker. The results are 🔥 !!! Afterward, we watched The Newsroom. :)

It felt SO good to be off today after how challenging last week was with the conference. I had a good run this morning, and I'm so happy that I finally had time today to sit down and write my personal statement for my MSW program application. I've wanted to do that for the past two weekends, but they were both too busy. I'm so relieved that I have that done. I just need to make some minor revisions, and then I'll be good to go! I'm so excited to start this program. I wish I didn't have to wait until September. :(

I read an article online yesterday about how people are hanging out with one another irl less, and the various reasons for that. Part of the article talked about how important it is to maintain social health and fitness, like physical health. It got me thinking about all the hugs I've been fortunate enough to share with my friends over the last weeks, months, years. Hugs hello when we see each other for the first time in a week or two at our houses, or hugs hello when we see each other for the first time in months (or years!) at the airport or at the train station, or hugs goodbye until we see each other again next week, or hugs goodbye until we see each other again in months, or maybe next year, knowing we'll talk every week in the meantime.

I think that life is nothing without love, and I'm grateful for all the ways that love shows up every day and every week. Brushing Westin every morning while he purrs, and brushing my teeth next to Derek at night, and FaceTimes and calls and in person hangouts with my friends.

#lanturing

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eternalglitch · 2 years

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Hi there! First of all, I’m not kidding when I say lfls is one of the best stories I’ve had the pleasure to read in a looong time and I can’t thank you enough for sharing such a wonderfully written story :D

When I started reading the fic it had about 5k kudos and not many chapters were plagued with comments. Now there’s like more than a hundred comments in the latest chapters with 10k kudos and still growing. How does that feel? Does it get overwhelming? What kept you motivated when the numbers weren’t as high? I’m so curious to know how the growth in popularity has been on your part!

I’m also loving the lfls playlist. Have you heard Karma by AJR? Idk why but I feel like it goes really well with the story.

Hoping you’re having a great time in your day to day and once again thanks for sharing your work!

youtube

The numbers and statistics on every single one of my social media accounts don't feel real to me, I will be honest.

In 2017 I had another decently big fic (or so I thought), and I was (positively) overwhelmed by waking up to about 24 new comments the next morning when I posted a chapter and that was about it for that chapter's comment count. Now I get maybe 50 within the hour of posting and about ten new ones every day.

I think the first three months of writing lfls I had no concept of anyone really watching. Chapter two got maybe two comments within the week it was posted, but I was also studying abroad at the time and had plenty of things irl to keep myself busy with over in Singapore.

I never had an issue by the (lack of) numbers in the start, because I thought the fandom was too small in the first place to get numbers. I was just writing this for myself. In a fun reversal, sometimes it's harder to write with the bigger following because of stage fright for me. What if I make the wrong call on a plot twist? What if I leave an embarrassing typo that thousands of people will now see? These weren't issues when it felt like no one was watching. But if I get stuck in that mindset for too long, I simply vanish for a break. Make like Avatar Aang and go hibernate for, say, 6 months away from my fic. I've done it before, long enough that I forgot that there was anything to really be nervous about. That was back when this first started really snowballing in attention though, and I think I've grown a bit more used to it all.

Still, my friends make fun of me because my brain can't fully understand just HOW MANY people follow me. It feels like I have 50 followers, when this is not the reality. As a fanfic writer surrounded by very talented artist friends my entire life, I had grown used to the idea that on social media I would never really get a following and would just cheer my friends on for that. The usual script is that the artists get more attention on Tumblr and Twitter, and the writers get their time to shine on ao3 or fanfic.net, but not elsewhere. And I was totally okay with that! I am always very happy for my friends' success. Visual art gets consumed faster and is quicker to draw attention and that's that. But then suddenly this was not the case AT ALL for me. I made it as one of the exceptions. It's really nice to have this weird power to boost other people on social media and get their work seen and recognized in turn.

Because of this popularity, I'm also exposed to a lot more opinions about my work because usually people only find and talk about the fanfic that meets what they are looking for. Now that lfls has fully escaped containment and is in most Rise fandom areas, people that do not seek out or read angst are trying angst. My condolences to those poor souls, I would say my writing is not actually that dark to people that enjoy these tropes but it sure is quite the shocker (lol) if you're new to the scene. Or maybe I'm just terrible at judging how dark I write, I genuinely think some chapters are breathers and yet have seen jokes online that those are some of the most emotionally heart wrenching ones.

But yeah, getting fanart and comments every single day is SO GOOD for keeping up enthusiasm for a long fic. I dread the final chapter a little because it's been an awesome ride that I don't want to end. Excited to show everyone the rest of the fic too, though! And maybe some people will stick around for my next writing adventure.

I think the real crisis is I'm about to maybe even OVERTAKE in kudos one of the fics I really look up to and have aspired to write in that kind of quality for the past 6 years. Which sounds fake. That is FAKE, I haven't gotten my skills sharp enough to do that yet.

And yes I do know that song!! I can definitely see it for lfls. I found it with a Steven Universe amv a few years back.

Thank you for reading and enjoying my work in turn! :}

#glitch answers #and it feels full of it to talk about tbh AHAGJDKG #just know I am very greatful to everyone that helped get me here and still stunned so many people are willing to spend time on lfls art

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frostehburr · 1 month

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Games I 100%ed Between Scrambling to Put Up and Away Holiday Decorations

So... Been a while since I've actually put stuff up on the internets.

I was particularly busy with IRL nonsense, specifically: putting away Christmas decorations followed by putting up Valentines decorations that only lasted one week before I was ordered to put those away and put up Spring decorations because, yes, my family decorates for ALL holidays and seasons. This year is different because St. Patrick and Easter are in the same month, granting me some real downtime for once.

I bring all that up because the games I 100%ed recently were very short and easy.

The first one being One Night, Hot Springs! A very very small visual novel with adorable art about a trans woman celebrating her friend's birthday. Honest, I was intrigued because I'm trans and wanted to play something that was about a trans person. My options were very limited in that department. All I got left is Celeste.

Anyhow, it's FREE on steam and it's a small part of a bigger visual novel that costs about $5 on Steam. The creator is npckc and their art is consistent with all of their games. Thought it would be nice to drop the name so anyone who stumbles on this post can at least consider supporting them.

Next game was Shadow Burglar, a stealth game that made my computer's fan go haywire. I put all the settings on low, how was it still going nuts?

Well, aside from desktop issues, the game played very well. However, there was no save points. Meaning, you have to play the entire two levels in one go. The achievements were barely a thought since I got them instantly. Although, I'd imagine the last one would be trouble for anyone who has no idea what the Konami Code is. Hint: Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A.

Shadow Burglar was free as well bu I don't really think it's worth the time to invest in. Maybe if the developer expanded the concept to a larger game but as is, it's best to focus on other games.

The last game I played, on Steam, during this time was Fable (Anniversary Edition). I've stated before that Fable 2 and 3 were super easy and could be finished in little to no time. I still stand by that even with the first game because the only actual grind was finding all the keys, books, chests, and stuff for the doors. Everything else was a cake walk. Mostly because almost all the achievements had two methods of unlocking them. Didn't even have to open the Demon Doors since flipping one off gets you the achievement.

Oh there was this one issue with a glitched npc that wouldn't let you play the mini game for Twinblade's doll. I got past it by giving him some gems and slowing time.

That was it for the games on Steam. As for Playstation... Have to admit... I purchased a psn subscription.

As painful as it is to admit. I had to because I couldn't get my old PS3 fixed nor could I find a refurbished one nearby. Wish I knew a reliable repair place because I enjoy playing my games on discs rather than stream but I don't so I'm doomed.

And the one game I streamed on psn was the Sly Collection. I already have to original discs but since PS4 can't play PS3 discs I was stuck with the streaming.

It didn't get too bad until the Ms. Ruby boss fight. Which has you match buttons as the icons slowly creep towards Sly. Issue with the streaming was that it lagged a lot on that level so I lost 11 lives to Ms. Ruby because the stream would not register the inputs I made.

The lag did not get better after that. I ended up having to watch Panda King's level in slow motion and Clockwork froze twice! Thankfully, the lag let up once Sly 2 started. It was smooth sailing from there. Got through all of Sly 2 and 3 nice and easy.

Until I had to do the challenges in Sly 3.

Not to say they were hard, far from it. They were just tedious. I did not like the challenges one bit. Something about putting a timer on something drives my anxiety through the roof and I freak out more because of it.

After the challenges were done I just had four mini games and the Sly Collection was 100% complete.

And despite Nintendo being the family friendly company with easy games... 100%ing a Nintendo game is a nightmare! So I had the bright idea of avoiding Nintendo stuff for some time. Only recently restarting Pokémon Scarlet after seeing the teaser for Pokémon ZA.

This puts my total amount of games completed (for these past few months) at 7. 3 from Steam and 4 from the Sly Collection (yes, I'm including the mini games as a separate game much like PSNProfiles does.

#100% complete #100%#opinion not a review

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manonamora-if · 6 months

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Last one of the month!

So this one was an unexpected surprise... Essentially, woke up in the middle of the night with an insane idea, could not go back to sleep, wrote/coded for 4h (and spent 4h-ish the next day to translate), and BAM! this happened.

You can find the game here! I've shoved it into 3 ranked jam (well, two, but one of them for 2 diff languages), if you want to vote for it too...

small note: essentially half the plan was scrapped because of time constrains. I might do an extended version in the future?

Current wordcount : 9.327 (FR) + 920 3.898 (EN) new Coding update : 20% change

Oh boy, did we manage to do some things this week for this one!! I wasn't able to add much in the French version (it is still incomplete), so I focused on the translation, filling the gap for the former when needed. This meant I could clear out the first beat of the game, and part of the second one (currently working on it). I am about 1/3rd fully complete. I also worked a bit on the UI, fixing the sizing (essentially copy/pasting the template again) and adding themes.

Will it be ready for EctoComp? I have two more days to try!

After reviewing 40 IFComp entries, I am tapping out for now. There are still 3 more weeks left, so I might play but not review them. It is a bit more than half of the entries, and more than last year… So many long entries. I'm tired.

I did an AMA last Friday, and answered all your burning questions until there were no more (about 2h). It was loads of fun! Thanks again for sending questions :)

What's happening in the IF sphere:

Speaking of the IFComp: 3 more weeks to play and vote for 5 games! If you have about 2h to spare... there are a handful of 15min entries :)

The voting for the inkJam is underway (wink, wink, scroll above): there is a 5-game voting queue before you can vote for any other entries.

The entries of the EctoComps are about the be released. This is ALSO a ranked jam, so consider voting for a few. La Petite Mort category are games created under 4hs, so they are usually fairly short.

Last chance to enter the Bare-Bones Jam!

Missed a jam deadline or you have a concept you're not sure you can finish? Throw it to the @seedcomp-if.

Now, there's a lot I've been wanting to reorganise with the way I've been sharing progress/communicate and where, especially since working on revamping @crimsonroseandwhitelily.

This is pretty long, so I stuffed it all under the break.

First order of business: Monthly check-ins A shortened version of the monthly check-in will be publish on itch from next month on, on the first of each month (unless IRL gets in the way). It will recap what I did the previous month and the plan for the next one, as well as other news of what I am organising/doing aside from game-making. The longer versions going into more details and wishy-washy feelings, also including fun events to participate in and recaps. You know, the usual. Those too, will be posted on the 1st of every month. I'll also have separate posts for jam announcement.

Second: Weekly check-ins These will continue to be published every Sundays (usually mornings EST), even if Sunday is the 1st of the month (will be up before the monthly check-in). The format won't change: recap of progress on projects, other stuff to mention, maybe some events to participate in.

Third: AMA I've been doing AMAs at hella random times, and on a whim, but I'd like to do those more often, because they are fun, and with a more set date/time, so more of you can participate/not miss it (like I did last Friday). Maybe once a month type of thing, around the start or end of the month probably. I'll at least do one more before Christmas.

Fourth: Where else to get updates I've tried out a bunch of places, and while Tumblr feels the most easy/comfortable right now, I don't want to rely on one place only to share releases and big updates (who knows what will happen to Tumblr). I want peeps to be able to have options about where they can get news/updates (esp if you don't want to create an account on a specific website). I'll need to update the nav post about this (maybe have a carrd? or mailing list?), and be more consistent about updating all these places. I need to find some log-ins again... For now, Tumblr will be the most comprehensive one. And I'm not updating Twitter, btw.

Fifth: Update calendar So this year has been so far pretty different from what I hoped to do (mainly because I've participated in so/too many jams), good progress has been done in some places, none in others. That's on me, obviously, I get distracted by new ideas. I can't promise that next year will be much different and that I will stick to a rigorous calendar of updates. Time management and hobbies are like oil and water... But I want to be more careful with how I map my year and where I put effort. Working on remasters and participating in jams has shown me I can do quite a bit in short spurs. And I think I could manage to close more small WiPs if I put my eggs in order (participating in jams/comps usually stops quite a bit of that progress). I think coming to term with leaving some projects be would help a ton. Not everything needs a remaster/update.

Sixth: Itch Pages Update + Trailers? With each remasters, I've tried to be more consistent with the formatting of the itch game page, with screenshots and links to relevant pages. While this should be something to do from the start (with the OG release), with the way I've been release things, I can at least try to make it happen after release. I've struggled a bit for some entries in what to include, ngl. Text-based game seems much duller than non-IF. Also, and somewhat related, I'd like to make trailers for some of the games, mainly the longer completed ones. Also because they look neat and I've never done that before. I have no idea where to start, how to do them, or what to include, but I'm excited to learn! But realistically, this won't be something I'll start this year...

Seventh: Stop with this jam nonsense. So this is more something that's been requested by anons relentlessly in my inbox (esp CRWL's inbox, which I've been deleting every time), than me actually stopping participating in jams. First of all, lol at those request. I participate in/organise them because it's fun and it makes me want to create more not before I personally want to make you suffer by making you wait for months for an update (legit got this as a message). Should I calm down with participating in jams? Maybe. I've made 9 new games this year alone (not counting promps and templates), with varying length and completion (1 is incomplete, 2 needs fixing, at least 1 should be longer), which 50% more than last year. It's not sustainable for me to do the same next year, especially if I want to finish more of my WIPs (I can't just add more to the pile). We will see what next year brings in terms of jams... I will probably submit an entry to multiple jams. Jam FOMO is real...

Eighth: Blog(s) regorganising I've started with CRWL already (it's back up with limited posts), and it will take a bit of time to have everything back in tip top shape. Aside from purging/re-writing posts, I'll also be updating the interface (I'm thinking or re-wroking it from scratch) to make it more mobile friendly. The same will happen at some point with this blog. I want to clear out unnecessary posts/reblogs, and have a better tagging system (the more projects I have, the worse it becomes...).

And finally, I think I'm gonna need a few weeks of a proper break. IRL has been weird and I'm mentally exhausted. I don't know whether I need a break from everything or just the internet... but I might be away for a bit for sure. doomscrolling has not been helping either...

#progress #devlog #update #ibe #lpm

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livingasaghost · 7 months

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september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

#personal #it really is not that bad!!!#and yet...the horrors

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fe-fictions · 2 years

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sorry for the slow going over here! it's been a bit of a whirlwind this month - i'm unemployed at the moment, trying to find a job since july (over 100 applications and no offers i am sobbingggg)

bonus is that i got all four wisdom teeth taken out yesterday and i am in immense pain = v =

AND i'm moving out on the 20th, next week to a new apartment! so,,,, yeah

it's been a very busy, very expensive time for me that's made worse because i haven't got a job. and when i tried to open art commissions i didn't get any offers > V >'''' so it's been a little touch n go, not a lot of time for stories.

BUT the good news is, i finally had two opportunities open up for proper jobs, i'm working part-time at my old college spot (GAMESTOP LETS GOOOO) to try and recoup some money, and i'm really, really excited to move into a new apartment with not one but two roomies and my two kitties!

one of my roomies will also be bringing along three leopard geckos, which is gonna be super cool bc they're huge and super sweet and adorable (named Lilo, Gravy and Charizard dsjfkSDFKSDJF)

so i hope to have all this sorted out soon, but as things are starting to calm down (and i'm attached to my bed for the next couple days), i figured i'd be able to squeeze in a little writing!

pls do send in all the prompts you want; help me escape my IRL struggles and tooth pains U V U'''

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supersapphical · 1 year

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oooh 49, 34, 35 and 29 for the fic writer ask game! especially 29, I love fic playlists

Answering fic writer questions

Okay this got SO long so I'm putting it under a cut. I guess the lesson is don't ask a writer to talk about their writing because we won't shut up 😂

29.

The only fic playlist I've shared with people is the one for Faith Undone. That's one of my favorite playlists of all time because basically every song is about being gay and/or defying god.

And now @roublardise has me thinking about a playlist for In the Wake and I am REALLY excited about the possibilities there so I think I'll make a full playlist for that.

I'm also working on an Alex playlist based on my series of Alex centric one-shots that includes Sleep by My Chemical Romance, Creep by Radiohead (but I'll probably use Haley Reinhart's version) and New Dawn Fades by Joy Division.

I've tried a couple times to make an amarabillie playlist since they're one of my favorite pairings ever but to me When Creation Was Young by Joy Williams, Cosmic Love by Florence + the Machine and I Was Made For Loving You by Queen of Japan are the only songs that REALLY seem to fit their vibes.

34. What aspects of your writing are inspired by/taken from your real life?

I mean. All the gay stuff, for sure. But seriously this is an interesting question because it's hard for me to come up with things I wrote that DIDN'T have some small part of me in them. If I'm writing a fic, it's usually because I've glommed on to that character and I'm writing them with a little bit of me in there. Whether it's Layla growing up religious or Mary feeling out of place in her own life or Alex struggling with depression or Cassie's intense curiosity and drive, all my fics have something of my life in them.

35. What aspects of your writing are completely unlike your real life?

The easy answer is all the supernatural stuff. 😂 But, somewhat bizarrely, I've also written quite a few fics where two characters have an almost instant connection/attraction. I'm aspec so that has literally never happened to me irl, ever and, frankly, I wouldn't want it to. The idea of looking at someone and suddenly just being attracted to them seems so silly to me but it IS fun to write (especially because I'm usually incorporating some supernatural element into the instant attraction).

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

The fourth chapter of my current multi-chapter fic In the Wake of the Winchesters doesn't go up until next Monday so I've been messing around with a couple simpler one shots this week because I'm stupid busy at work so I don't want to do anything too complicated but I still have spn brainrot.

I started outlining another Alex fic exploring how she decided to choose nursing as a career. It is SO fascinating to me that she was so against having anything to do with hunting but she chose to go into a high stress career where she would absolutely be surrounded by gory injuries. I simply must get inside her head.

I also started messing around with a concept that @mrcowboydeanwinchester gave me about Jo wearing boxer briefs. It's just a short exploration of her trying to find herself in small ways. The sorts of tiny personal choices we make in our lives that can affect us in huge emotional ways.

#super asks #thank you so so much for sending in this ask 💗💗💗#i had a lot of fun answering it (as i'm sure you can tell)

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myjunkisyuzuruhanyu · 1 year

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hi, I was just wondering what kind of camera you use for skating events! I'm going to my first one this year (SCI) and I really want to get some good photos like yours, but I don't know anything about cameras lol. (sorry if you already talked about this in a post or something, I couldn't find anything like that but I know tumblr's search algorithm sucks 😂)

I am so sorry that I haven't answered this in time at all for your trip to Skate Canada. 🙇‍♀️ I hope you had fun there! And I hope that even without my reply you took amazing pictures!

Thank you for complimenting my pictures! ❤️

____

I will still answer the question - just much too late!

Tbh I am not an expert on cameras either - I am just some fan with a camera 😅 Taking pictures looked fun so I went with that. I informed myself via Google which camera to buy and that's was it.

I use a system camera - Canon EOS M10 (I have no idea if this is the correct English term for it) with two different objectives, both in the 50mm to 200mm department. I bought my camera and my first objective in 2017 - the system camera was a compromise between a really expensive reflex camera with detachable objective and the system camera which quality is a bit less compared to the reflex camera but is much lighter and cheaper. The first objective I got is a Canon EF-M 50-200mm. For last seasons world championship however I bought a new objective, which was much more expensive almost 8times the price of my first objective a CANON EF 70-200 mm f / 4L IS II objective with an adapter to make it compatible with my system camera. I used it for Worlds and Nebelhorn Trophy and the difference in quality is apparent, but the objective is also much heavier to use.

My next goal is to finance a better corpus for my new objective so I don't need the adapter that also reduces a bit of the reaction time of the camera.

In general I think for starters a good reflex camera or a system camera like mine and one objective will do. The expensive parts are always the different objectives and their level of performance. For figure skating photography you need a focal distance of 50-200mm at least, because otherwise you have very small figures unless you are super close. I don't think you need an expensive objective for the first time, because you should try if you like taking pictures at all. The objectives the official photographers use at rinkside costs 3000€+, my new one was around 1600€.

Btw I can't recommend digital cameras because they are too slow and also make quite blurry pictures in skating, optical zoom is no comparison to the zoom of the attached objectives.

Also I am not a professional photographer at all, so I mostly rely on the automatic use of settings. I also have loads of pictures you cannot use afterwards. In figure skating getting perfectly clear pictures is a challenge as it's so fast. I think most importan is that you have fun taking pictures and you also have to decide whether you want to see the full action or take pictures bc both at the same time is not possible.

My goal for the future - if my irl gets a bit less busy - is to invest in a new corpus for the new objective and do a photography course, because atm I learned everything on my own.

Let me finish with a favorite Shoma picture and the difference between my objectives in sharpness. (I didn't upload either in full quality like on my computer but I still think the difference is quite clear)

___

Sometimes asks get buried in my inbox, also the last weeks were a struggle in real life with so many things happening at the same time. Who knew life could change so much in just 8 weeks, anyway I am sorry if I don't answer your questions on time.

#figure skating #replies #personal #camera equipment #pls ignore the different names of the watermarks on my pics #one is Instagram handle - the other my twitter handle

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ideas-thought-and-things · 2 years

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I'm posting this here to hopefully get this out of my head and maybe get some advice on how to handle it.

tldr: My old DnD group invites me back and then wastes 3hrs of the 4hr session planning when they know how busy I am.

Okay so in the second half of 2020 I was invited to be a player in a 5e DnD game. I have been a GM for Pathfinder 1e for years and I had seen some stuff for 5e but it just never interested me that much to switch. (Also I didn’t want to buy the new books at $50 a piece). I saw this as an opportunity to be a player, play with one of my old friends, meet new people, and experience a new homebrew world. I rolled up a wizard half-orc chronomancer at level 4. And I immediately started having problems with the system and the GM. I’m not going to go into all the details about it the overall game (might do that later.) After about a year in a half I had to leave the group due to school scheduling. But I said that if time allowed I would try to pop in as a side a character or something.

Anyway last week they asked if I was free to play a single session as a set of side characters because the main group got captured. I actually had some time in my schoolwork so I said yes and picked my character of the two remaining. I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS! I hadn’t played in months and I haven’t hung out with these guys irl or online in months as well. I had some reservations (the main one being that it takes some of players 20 minutes to do their turns on characters that they’ve been playing for a year, so how long was it going to take with characters they’ve never played?) The day arrives and the GM opens the call early so we can pick a magic item and customize our characters before the game. Cool! I pick a feat and a magic item and chat with other people. Once everyone arrives we start playing. Few minutes of RP with NPC and then we see the map and start planning. I’m thinking we’re going to be doing like a half hour of planning at most and then we execute the plan. I was wrong... We knew were the people were being held. We had a way to get in and out of there. And I’m like “Lets do this” the rest of the party, mostly my friend, wanted to keep planning! Planning and scouting. For context, the session is 4 hours long. They spent THREE FUCKING HOURS PLANNING! 3 hours! 75% of our game session! That leaves us 1 hour for the actual rescue and combat. AND THE PLAN. The super important plan that we spent 3 hours crafting. It fell apart in the surprise round because one of the people we were supposed to rescue was a villain in disguise and battle began instantly. (That’s a new record for us, the last time our plan fell apart it was halfway through round one.)

So yeah the alarm was raise, we only rescued two of the four people, we don’t know where the fifth is, and the baddies are coming to get us and the session ended a little after the 4 hour mark. Everyone in the group was talking about meeting up in two weeks and I had to practically shout to get my voice heard. I said to them that I don’t think I can make it back because I have a big project due that week. They just kinda brushed it aside and asked one of the other players to play my character and the session ended.

I’m furious and I’m insulted. They know how fucking busy I am with this course. They asked me to come in for, what I was lead to believe was, a one shot. They disrespected me and my time by 3 fucking hours planning instead of playing. And then they talked as if I would be coming back for the next game without asking if I was even available.

Part of me is wondering if I'm the one at fault here. I’ve had my problems with this group before (mainly just the GM) and I’ve made it clear that I don’t like like 5e DnD and I’m only in this group because I like the other players. I'm wondering if I'm the problem. Fucking anxiety...

I’m posting this hear to get it out of my head and maybe get some advice on how to handle it.

#dungeons and dungeons #d&d #ttrpgs #advice #one shot #5e #not a good session

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nightcall99 · 20 days

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Dreams from 29.3.24

Dream 1 (this dream is tmi, sorry in advance) SM and I were sharing a bed. I think at first, his bed was pushed up against mine but then we ended up on the same bed. There were a few other people, maybe two, also sleeping beside us. They didn't seem to notice or care what we were doing. We were under the covers and we couldn't keep away from each other. First, we were just touching hands. It felt nice and it's like we couldn't stop. And then we got closer and he was holding me. I just let him do whatever he wanted, he touched my breasts and all over my body. At the same time, it wasn't him. It was my ex (writing this now I am confused about the energy of this person). Then I leaned toward him as it was time to do my part. I reached into his pants and touched down there. It just felt like the next thing to do. It's how it usually was with my ex, just mechanical. Like do this, and then this now. After we held each other naked. AM came in and knew what'd just happened. She said it usually happens like this when two people are in close proximity and are of similar intelligence/personality, they usually can't help but be attracted to each other (I met both my ex and SM in the same way, at work). I didn't say anything. I liked it, but I didn't like it. The same feeling that used to happen after I had sex with my ex. Like, regret, but not, since I consented. I got up afterwards and I keep thinking that I didn’t have feelings for him. Like very clearly. I had tried it out and I was shocked with how I didn’t have any feelings for him. I felt nothing. Nothing toward him.

Then I went to work. I was still wearing the same clothes as the day before. There is this sense that I had just left SM/MP's house in Pascoe Vale (I think my subconscious pulled this suburb out because it's where MP's ex-girlfriend lives). As I walked into work, I had my bra in my hands. I felt a bit self-conscious that I was wearing the same outfit but I don't think anybody cared. I didn't like that I didn't have my bra on, I needed to rectify that situation right away. I was hoping that SM would be there, but I couldn't see him. Everyone else was. I went upstairs (irl, work has no second level) to find a private space to put my bra back on. But there were a few other girls already up here, who were getting changed. Were they getting dressed for a party? That particular detail is barely a tinge of a memory. I don't know. These girls, Grace and Jessi were students who used to work here but left last year. I feel like I'm upstairs on the topmost floor, I keeping walking deeper, revealing more rooms. Now I have walked into what I realise is my manager's bedroom. I didn't realise that someone lived up here, let alone it being MN. His room is messy and characteristic of him but it's whatever. The girls were able to find spots to get changed in and there's no room left for me so I'll have to wait. I don't think it'll be long.

Then I was standing in front of our house with my dad and I realised something. Something really weird about my dad, and MP and SM. As I was having the dream, it wasn't weird, but right now from the NPC perspective, I'm not even going to write it down. I can't even.

The other random scene from this dream is that at the end, I had the sense that I'd been asleep in bed with random birds. Like pet birds. Chickens, pigeons and the like. In the morning when I woke up, my mum placed them all in a wheelbarrow to take outside so they could do their business. Each bird stood in the barrow, obediently.

Dream 2 AL got home early from her overseas trip. I didn't even end up having to check in on her birds. She already got back home, after only a week. Today.

Dream 3 On the street where I work, there are two other pharmacies. In this dream, there is another pharmacy on the street that isn't there irl. It's basically only a room. I went inside. I couldn't see any medicines on the shelves, it was basically only weird furniture and appliances. The place reminded me of a long-forgotten and sparsely-frequented pawn shop. There was a girl who worked there, around my age. I think I was there because I wanted to get my medication at a cheaper price and this place does special deals for pharmacists (even though I would have already gotten it very cheap at work). She said, You're here for your rosuvastatin right? I said, Yeah. I didn't feel like I deserved whatever the special deal was, even though I was specifically here for it. She had the cordless card machine out and she was going to give me the full discount but I kept saying, Oh don't worry about it. Whatever she was going to charge me, was based off me She was completely taking her cue of what to do next off of me. I said, Give me a little off but not the usual amount. She kept laughing, unsure of what to do. I ended up paying $5-8 for a few tablets of Palexia. I kept trying to make her feel better saying, Oh it's heaps cheaper here than at work (it isn't).

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thesecretbits · 3 months

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I keep a list of all the kdramas I watch every year. I do this thing at the end of the year where I recap the kdramas I finished for that year. I think I forgot last year, so this year you get 2022 and 2023.

What I watched in 2022 (in the order I liked them and what I rated them out of 5):

Alchemy of Souls pt. 2 (5/5) - this was by far my favorite drama of 2022. I watched the first couple of episodes from the first part, but as I am not the biggest fan of Jung Somin, I couldn't get into the first part. I did, however, really like GYJ as Naksu and since she was coming back in part 2, I read as much about what happened in the first season (and watched the last episode of part 1) to prepare for part 2.

Loved the show. YJ and JW's chemistry was so good. My only complaint was that it was only 10 episodes. I wish it was longer.

May I Help You (4.5/5) - I really enjoyed this drama. The male lead in this, LJY, was the same lead from Love and Leashes, which I really enjoyed. He and LHR had such good chemistry. This drama had the perfect amount of angst and comedy and a lead couple that were just really perfect together.

Business Proposal (4.5/5)- this was just so funny. Not too heavy on the angst. Great leads and second leads. Just a really fun watch.

2521 (4.5/5)- this was such a good show. I was not as upset about the ending as other people were. I could see realistically how the two leads would not be together in the end. First love doesn't always last. But KTR is just such an amazing actor.

Movies I watched in 2022:

Love and Leashes (4/5) - cute little movie about a girl and her sub. This was adorable. I need to watch it again. And LJY's performance in this made me check out May I Help You and I wasn't disappointed. He's a great actor.

Yaksha: Ruthless Operations (4/5) - I'm an action movie girlie at heart, so I really loved it. I watched it for Jinyoung, but I thought everyone was great.

Shows I watched in 2023 (not in the order I liked them, but with what I rated them out of 5):

Island pt. 1 (2.5/5): I tried to get into this show. My favorite part of it was Cha Eunwoo, which is saying something since he's not an actor I'm particularly fond of (this is probably the only project of his that he had a major part I've actually enjoyed him in). It had potential for me, but I just wasn't engaged enough to watch part 2.

Joseon Attorney (4/5): I'm a Woo Do Hwan girly all the way and this did not disappoint. A great blend of humor and angst, the romance wasn't overdone, and the whole cast had a really great dynamic. This was not my favorite WDH drama this year tho.

Bloodhounds (5/5): My favorite WDH project this year was definitely Bloodhounds. This show was great from start to finish. Best bromance I've seen all year, those two were ride or die for each other. Great fights, it tested me emotionally, it made me laugh, it made me angry. I binged all 8 episodes in one night because I had to know what happened next. One of my favorite dramas of 2023. I recommend it to everybody.

Black Knight (5/5): Another one of my favorite dramas of 2023. It had an interesting premise that I enjoyed. As I said before, I'm an action girly so if you give me good story and great fights, I'm in there. I think I also binged this in one night. I highly recommend this one, too.

Revenant (5/5): Kim Taeri deserved awards for this show and if she didn't get any, I'd be mad (I just checked she won a Daesang for this role as she should, she was amazing). This show was creepy, dark, and so well acted (by everybody, this cast was good), that I was waiting impatiently every single week for new episodes. Excellent show, one of my top 3 favorite shows of the year.

King the Land (3/5): I liked this. It was cute, it didn't reinvent the romcom, but the leads had excellent chemistry (so good people were convinced they were dating irl) and it was funny. It was a pretty easy watch. And they made sure they made their two idol leads make out anytime they could, so props to the director for that.

The Killing Vote (4/5): Kim Kwon played evil in two shows I watched this year, and he was great at being horrible in both. Considering the first thing I ever watched him in he was a good guy, it was nice to see him in a completely different role. Anyway, I really liked this show. The premise, a guy who asks the people to vote on whether or not criminals deserve to die and then killing them if over 50% of the public votes yes, was interesting. Good show, questioning whether or not everyone, not just the criminals, but the cops and lawyers and judges, and even the so-called innocent civilians who were so invested in the murder of criminals are all as bad as each other. They left the ending open for another season and if they made it, I'd probably watch.

Destined with You (4/5): I had some problems with this initially (I was judging the female lead HARD), but eventually it won me over. The leads did some really good acting and that scene in the closet was hot.

The Story of Park's Marriage Contract (3.5/5): This was okay. The fashion was great. I think one of the best things about Yeon-woo being in the present is how great her outfit choices were. You could tell that fashion design was really her thing and being in the future really highlighted how important that was to her. So many shitty people in this drama. It sucks when you can't even trust your own family. Yeon-woo and Tae-ha had a cute relationship and I'm glad they got their happy ending.

And there we have it, my recap of all the dramas I completed in 2022 and 2023.

I look forward to seeing what 2024 brings.

#kdrama year-end review #year-end review #i finished more shows in 2023 than I did in 2022 #so that's good

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