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#next therapy app is in a month lol
thisismeracing · 29 days
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The one | CS55
― Pairing: Carlos Sainz x fem!reader (she/her) ― Warnings: mentions of break up and food; typos. ― Summary: Yn is doing well a few months after her break up with Carlos, and so is he. Everyone thinks that this paragraph of their lives is over, but as it happens they may be a chapter to each other, and Yn makes sure everyone knows he was her great love, the one - through her new song. ― A/n: None of the pictures used are mine, they are all from Pinterest and other apps, but the work is, and I do not allow it to be published on a different platform. I would appreciate it if those things could be taken into consideration 💛
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February, 2023
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February, 2024
realyn
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liked by charles_leclerc, sza, and others
realyn "The One" has just come out on all streaming platforms. I hope this piece of my heart reaches yours. Tune in and dive into the feels 💐🤍
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saintsainz "for old time's sake" HELLO?????
ynsummer omg another bop!!! I wish I could write songs when I'm sad, the few breakups I had I could only cry and try not to choke on my own phlegm
⤷ fan2000 ewwww LOL
hammert1m3 charles on the likes 👀
leclowns1655 in my head they're not over yet
⤷ mercmickey you need therapy, bestie
lewishamilton great music as usual 💜
francisca.cgomes 😍😍
szadirection I love how the grid's still here supporting here even a year after she and carlos broke up 🥺
popyn WE WERE SOMETHING DON'T YOU THINK SOOO ROSÉ FLOWING WITH YOUR CHOSEN FAMILY 🎤🎤🎤🎤
ferraristrangers I have so many theories for the lyrics and the cover and kksjksdj aaaaaaaa
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Old posts
March, 2018
realyn
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liked by lewishamilton, ynfan, and others
realyn eat pasta, run fasta, they said 😋😂
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bieberf1 they my new fav couple now 💋
raintyresainz thank you for feeding us that last carlos pic
hurricaneyn welp now I wanna eat pasta but its like the middle of the night
⤷ alonsochamp eat pasta, sleep fasta 😙😂
carlossainz55 ❤️❤️
amarelorenault her glasses are so cool!!!!! her style is always on point
carlossainz55
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liked by yourfriend, fernandoalo_oficial, and others
carlossainz55 we tried homemade, it worked 😋
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realyn we didn't run fasta this time though :(
⤷ carlossainz55 there wasn't any race this Sunday, cariño
⤷ realyn shhhh, let me be funny
harrystylistee I want what they have!
April, 2018
realyn
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liked by hulkhulkenberg, renaultf1team, and others
realyn enjoyed April with my fav spaniard, wrote a few songs for you guys - new album dropping soon!!!!! 🥳
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aussiegrid howd you like Australia, Yn?
⤷ realyn I loved it, def gonna come back soon 🥰
ynfan 💙💙💙💙💙💙
carlosfullname1 where’s your jacket from?
⤷ realyn website.com 😘
fab2000 can’t wait for the new song and espec the new album!!!!!
July, 2018
carlossainz55
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liked by pierregasly, realyn, and others
carlossainz55 Yn's new album "I used to know her" is out now and you guys should run to listen to it 💙💙 she did an amazing job as usual. I'm very proud of you, cariño @ realyn
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lewishamilton congrats, Yn!
hulkhulkenberg everyone here loved the new album, well done, Yn!
renaultf1team its our garage soundtrack 😎💛
March, 2019
realyn
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liked by landonorris, mclaren, and others
realyn the past few months wearing papaya have been amazing! 🧡 and yes, last concert clothes were orange bc of the team
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landonorris looks like the concert clothes gave us some luck, make sure to wear orange again next time!
⤷ realyn I love you guys but I can't be wearing orange all the time
⤷ yourmanager yes, you can
⤷ realyn shut up, I'm gonna fire your ass
⤷ yourmanager no, you won't
⤷ carlossainz55 jajajaja
tifosinha I love how lando looks like their kid 😂
spaincarlos_ not yn and carlos adopting lando lol
ynfan4 her music taste is *chef kiss* 🤌🏾
ynandsainz yn, your album still on repeat on my apple music!
mclaren 🧡🧡
December, 2019
carlossainz55
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liked by charles_leclerc, hulkhulkenberg, and others
carlossainz55 ¡Feliz Navidad! 🎄❤️
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saturnracer FELIZ NAVIDAD TAN TAN TAN PROSPERO AÑO Y FELICIDAD 🎤
szalover 😭😍 its the way she loves pasta
⤷ cowboyvettel @ realyn pasta or carlos? choose one
⤷ realyn carlos cooking pasta 😙😋😜
July, 2020
realyn
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liked by lewishamilton, fernandoalo_oficial, and others
realyn compilation of some of the flowers Carlos gave me and pics he took 💖 Te amo, cariño 💐🌷🌹🌸🌺🌼🌻
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fonedirection God I see what youve done for others
carlossainz55 you’re my favorite flower, love 🌸💖
⤷ fernandoalo_official you guys know how to be sicklengly cute huh 🙄
piastripastry see? carlos gets flowers regularly to yn and yall out there crying over an ugly ass man who gives you the bare minimum 🫵
March, 2021
realyn
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liked by carlossainz, scuderiaferrari, and others
realyn new character unlocked hehe ❤️💛🏎️
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ynfrance We want a new album, queen!!! save us!
swiftverstappen the way they went through everything togerher 🤧
⤷ russellsainz I want what they have
monegasque16 another day another yn post to make me cry in single and alone
carlossainz55 thank you for the endless support, cariño 💛 you’re my everything
tifosisunshine you’re 😭 my 😭 everything 😭
August, 2022
carlossainz55
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liked by landonorris, pierregasly, and others
carlossainz55 my kind of free-weekends 🩵
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sunnyyn yn looks so good 😍😍
yourbestie ❤️ aweee
realyn te amo! 😘
January, 2023
realyn
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liked by lewishamilton, francisca.cgomes, and others
realyn happy new year 🙃
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charlsmonaco where's carlos? 😟
mylightyn I don't like this vibe…
ynwardrobe what is she reading?
lewishamilton 💙
⤷ mclatinha lew do you happen to know something we don’t?
carlossainz55
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liked by landonorris, fernandoalo_oficial, and others
carlossainz55 ¡Feliz Año Nuevo! 🎉
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brocedes2010 where's Yn??????
schumini_ at least they seem to be on the same place 🙏🏾🙏🏾
redsainz he looks so good it hurts
back to 2024 💬📩
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────── ⋆🪩 VOICEMAIL: Hi! I hope you guys liked this piece! I'm set on publishing my drafts but I need time to work on them, this one was saved for a while now, and it's finally here heheh let me know your thoughts!
If you liked this piece and want early access to new ones and exclusive access to others, subscribe to my patreon!💘
▸ check my main masterlist | patreon guide and my taglist.
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chaotic-on-main · 6 months
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Epilogue
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☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!mute!Reader (she/her pronouns), set in a modern semi-fictional world
☾ Summary ➼ Due to childhood trauma, you find yourself an adult without the ability to speak. After years of working on it, you have found ways to live without a voice. Now here in your late 20s, you are 5 months in getting used to a new town. On a fateful day in late November, you and your adopted sister visit a local bookstore-café, unaware of the friendships about to blossom. Throughout the months, one friendship in particular develops into something more.
☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, oblivious feelings, romance, angst, mention of minor character deaths, trauma, illness, adoption, mentions of fire, disabilities, alcohol use, very light nsfw mentions, references to child abuse, smoking and alcohol abuse mentions, domestic violence, light assault, eventual smut
☾ Author's note ➼ Heeeeyy I'm back. If you haven't had an eye on my masterlist for Unspoken Words, you might have missed that I've been working on an epilogue. SURPRISE. If you have, then here it is lol. I am OFFICIALLY done with UW and I'm so sad about it. ALSO for some reason my tumblr app hates me and any time I italicize a line, it italicizes the entire paragraph and I have no idea why. As always, the sign language lines are marked with ' and speaking lines marked with ".
Thank you to anyone who has taken time out of their lives to read my "little" story. I enjoyed writing about this little world and I could not be happier to know that most of you liked reading it. I appreciate you more than you know. Can you believe this is around 100k words? Crazy. Anyways, I'm gonna go write some more, I'll see ya around! <3
☾ Word Count ➼ ~4k
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Reddish-orange leaves dance in a unique ballet number past the window you were currently staring out of. You can't keep your fingers from picking at the sleeves of your wool sweater as you wait for your speech therapist to come and get you from the semi-quiet lobby. The only noises you hear comes from the reception desk and the TV mounted opposite of the couch you were waiting on. The weather channel calls for a beautiful weekend with warmer than usual temperatures – which is good considering Halloween is tomorrow.
A side door leading to the back offices opens up, and your name is called from a stout brunette woman with large rimmed glasses and a kind smile. She holds it open as she beckons you forward, and you don't hesitate to smile back as you pick up your bag and make your way through the door and down the familiar hall on her heels.
You’ve been seeing Dr. Boreal for about almost two years now. You started speech therapy shortly after starting trauma therapy – something they had recommended. You weren't quick to decline the suggestion, but you'd be lying if you said you had ever thought about taking back your speech. Some time in your youth, you just assumed it was gone forever. That it was something that couldn't be fixed.
According to Dr. Foust, your trauma therapist, the speech block was mental. Therefore, it was something that could be explored and possibly broken through.
When he had said that, you had newfound hope and suddenly a silent goal to work towards.
It's like clockwork the way you stepped into Dr. Boreal's navy blue office, stepping over to the right and onto the plush cream colored couch meant just for patients. On the walls of her office sits multiple picture frames and motivational posters, all with smiles and bright colors. Her dark curtains sit parted, letting in the afternoon autumn sun that hits the wall next to you. You watch as she grabs the folder with your name on it before sitting in her large red chair and smiling over to you.
“So, how have you been? How was your trip with Levi?”
‘I’m doing well. And It was lovely! You were right, too. The road to Trost is gorgeous this time of year and the trees! So pretty.’ You think back at the little vacation Levi took you on just a week ago. He had taken the scenic route to the little town that you and he had rented a cabin in.
The leaves were at the end of their life and littered the ground wherever you went, crunching underneath your boots. Between the intimate moments and crisp atmosphere, it really was a magical time. Levi practically had to drag you back home.
On the way out, Levi found this adorable tea shop. It's not easy finding a place that made tea as well as he did, and of course he didn't say anything, but you could tell how much he enjoyed it. You won't soon forget the content on his normally stoic face. That reminds you of the little package snuggled in your purse so you reach down into it to pull out a small, rectangular tin.
‘I got this for you.’ You beam at her as you hand it over gently.
“Cranberry autumn tea?” She inspects the wording on the metal, hazel eyes glittering gold in the sunlight that reflects off the container. Her eyes shift to you as a grateful smile lights up her weathered face. “Oh you sweet thing, thank you so much. But you shouldn't have.”
‘As thanks for dealing with me.’ You laugh softly, leaning back into the plush couch.
“You know it's no problem. Even if I wasn't paid, I'd still enjoy your company.” She waves dismissively after setting her gift down on the table in front of her. “So, let's see where we left off last time.”
You pick at the edges of your sleeves once again as you watch her find the right place in her notes. Dr. Boreal is one of the kindest people you've had the pleasure of being around. Though she was being paid to help you, she always did so much more. She was patient with you when you struggled to get past certain goals, and when your voice hurt after a grueling session she would bring you herbal tea with honey to smooth the pain. Levi joked that you liked her tea more than his to which you always rolled your eyes at.
“Well you have made outstanding progress. Of course, there is still plenty we still need to work on. But you're doing well.” She looks down at her papers as she talks, the scratch of her pen fills the silence after she finishes. She looks back up to you. “Have you shown anyone your progress yet?”
Those around you are aware of your long journey through therapy. They even celebrated with you after one year - Hange's idea of course. Your sister couldn't hold it in when you had told them of the progress you've made and the goals you were looking forward to completing in the oncoming sessions.  
What they didn't know was that you were even in speech therapy, and how far in your speech recovery you were. Keeping it secret from Levi was getting harder with every passing week.
‘No, but I plan to soon, I promise.’ You pinch your lips together in a grimace. This has been a threat for the last 6 months but truthfully, you've been too scared to tell anyone. No, not scared. Nervous.
“Well, you know my stance on that. I’m sure they're going to be ecstatic, when you're ready to do so.” Dr. Boreal sets out a recorder to let you hear your voice the way she does, a tool you both found the most helpful when it came to fixing the areas that needed the most work. “Enough of that though, are you ready to start?”
With a confident smile, you open your mouth to speak.
.
A few hours later, you find yourself home and in the kitchen with your mind in another dimension. You’re currently plating up a vegetable tray on a tupperware platter as autumnal lofi weaves through the room from the speakers behind you. You’re so focused on arranging your sliced up miscellaneous veggies that you don't hear the metal key in the front door and the light footsteps of your boyfriend coming home for the evening.
“Hey.” Levi mutters from behind you, snaking his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder to look at what you're doing – not without difficulty, of course. You jump at his sudden proximity causing you to drop the chosen dipping sauces in the middle of the platter, disturbing the once perfect arrangement.
There's a soft sigh from you, but you feel the giddiness at the expected company fluttering in your stomach. Even after a few years, he still gives you that effect. You twist in his arms to face him, and his gray eyes are downturned in concern.  
“Are you okay? Was therapy too much today?” He lessens his grip on you so you can pull your hands up to sign.
Levi Ackerman’s raven hair is slicked back from him running his fingers through it, and the way that it stayed put and the sheen on the strands, you can tell it must be raining. You've been so fixated on making sure it looked good that you hadn't even noticed. His gaze stares into yours as he searches for what might be bothering you, so you give him a reassuring smile.
‘No, it was actually really good. She said I've made a lot of progress.’
“That's good. Did you come home late, or have you been working on this tray the whole time?” He glances over your shoulder at the vegetables now thrown about on the counter.
‘Yes and no. I decided to run by the farmers market for more options. But they didn't have anything we didn't already have.’ You explain, shrugging your shoulders.
The afternoon sun was so nice on your face that you would have been a fool to not take advantage of it - and it's a good thing you did. Your eyes slide to the water droplets that drip down on the outside of the living room windows.
“Hm. Well we need to leave for Hange's party soon and you're not dressed. Let me finish this for you and you go get ready.” He leans in to kiss your forehead before unraveling his arms and pushing you in the direction of the bedroom. You only roll your eyes but make your way to the back as he asked.
Hange's Halloween Bash is something they have been planning for about a year. The moment the decorations went on sale last winter, she snatched up what she could. She said something about starting a new tradition for her friends turned family. Levi wasn't as excited about the prospect of such a social gathering but you were, and that was enough to get him to go.
Not only were you able to get him to go, you were also able to talk him into dressing up with you.  
In front of the mirror, you finish tying up a black corset that wraps around your waist. It helps form-fit the blue long sleeve dress that drops down to your bare ankles with your pair of flats completing the look. You were almost ready – all that was left was the big blue bow that you pinned to the back of your head as best you could. You suppose for a makeshift Ariel, this would do just fine. You almost chuckle at the irony of the characters you suggested to Levi a month ago.
A girl who can't talk and a prince that loved her despite it.
You do a small twirl in the mirror to make sure everything looks right. You almost jump out of your skin at the sudden sight of the person standing in the doorway. Levi leans against the door frame, the corner of his mouth twitching into a small smirk. His hands are in the pockets of his work clothes as he watches you intently, taking in the sight of you. With a hand over your heart, you give him a small frown.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.” He doesn't sound sorry at all.
‘You are too quiet for your own good. One day you're going to scare me so bad that I'm going to punch you.’ You shake your head but smile anyways. You make your way to the closet to pull out Levi's costume for the night, making sure to grab the red waist sash that threatens to fall to the floor.
“You keep saying that.” He takes the hanger from you but not before leaning in to give you a chaste kiss. With a small laugh, you head out of the bedroom and down the hall back to the kitchen.
On your way there, you take a moment to glance at the framed photographs on the walls. Levi made sure to hang up the pictures he took from his apartment that he shared with Erwin as soon as you both moved in.
There was the one of him, Furlan, and Isabel as well as the one of him and Erwin on graduation day though Levi had persisted with Erwin to keep the latter. His blonde and blue eyed friend told him to take it as he had plenty more photos of the two he could hang up. That didn’t make Levi feel any better and it makes you wonder what photos Levi might be hiding from you.
Dispersed in between those are ones of you and Hange, and some with your shared circle of friends. The last one frames three photo strips next to each other. The first one is from your first Sakura Festival a few years ago where you sat on Levi's lap – both red faced and unaware of the extent of your affections for each other.
The other two are from the same photo booth, taken from the previous and current year. With each year, the smiles and looks of adoration grew. Both, luckily, were without the presence of your sister and Erwin. Surprisingly, it wasn't your idea to go back. As much as Levi did his best to hide his sentimental side, it was always present.  
When you get to the kitchen counter, you see the platter rearranged and closed up with the matching plastic lid. It looks perfect, even better than when you took a crack at it. You also see two cups of tea on the counter, both with steam rising up and dancing in the kitchen lights before dissipating into the air.
With a grin, you reach over to grab what you can only assume is yours based on the light color of your tea then walk around the island to sit on the bar stool, leaning on the counter with the mug in both hands. After your first sip, you sigh happily. It was one of the new teas Levi had brought back from the trip because he couldn't get enough of it. Earthy with hints of floral notes, topped with a citrusy zing.
When you start to wonder if Levi was okay, your eyes catch movement in the hallway. You watch Levi struggle with his sash, the soft grumbling of his irritation coming from under his breath as he tugs on it. Sometimes you never realize how hard it is to do something with less than the normal amount of fingers until it's forced upon you. Of course, Levi was never one to ask for help even after all these years.
Without a second thought, you stand up and make your way over to him. He doesn't fight as you take the fabric from his fingers and tighten it from the back. Tucked into the sash is a white blouse, loose enough to billow in the evening breeze. Black pants and matching boots fit snug against his lower half. When you're done, you turn him to face you to inspect the whole ensemble. With his hair properly slicked back, he was the perfect Prince Eric.
‘You look rather dashing, you know that?’
“Tch.” He rolls his eyes at you, but there's not a trace of annoyance radiating off of him. As much as he hates it, he loves you and would do anything you asked – within reason.
‘Are you almost ready to go?’
“In a few, I didn't just brew this for nothing.” He makes his way to the counter to grab his mug and instead of sitting, he stands propped up against the counter like you were but with his phone in hand.
“Your sister wants to know if you want apple juice or apple cider.” He mutters, his gray eyes flicking up over to you as you make your way over to the seat you were just at to finish your own cup. “Both, right?”
‘How did you know?’ You laugh, but nod in agreement. You watch as his fingers type away, the clicking of the keys filling back empty space. There's barely any sunlight coming through the closed blinds signifying that nightfall was almost here. You just now noticed Levi had gone ahead and turned off everything for you while you were getting ready.
The gut feeling you felt last week is back. There was a moment when Levi drove through the rolling hills, the golden rays of sunset lighting up his face. A moment of peace that washed over you as his soft gaze flitted over to you in the passenger seat for only a second, one hand on the wheel and the other on your thigh.
With a nervous sigh, you reach over and pull down his phone with one finger to get his attention. Instantly he looks at you with worry, his mouth downturned.
“Are you okay?”
‘I bet you love me.’
His eyebrows raise, a little surprised at your random question – at something so obvious that he worries even more that something is wrong.
“What’s this about?”
‘Humor me. I bet you love me.’
“You bet right.” He draws out, confusion lacing his tone. 
‘You have to answer a question now. Since I was right.’
“What do you want to know that you don’t already?” His eyes roll at you again, but he sets his phone and mug down and leans over on his elbows to watch you intently.
‘It’s a simple but very important question, I promise.’
“Tch, okay. Hit me.”
Your eyes are suddenly fixated on the fridge to the right of you, the heat of his stare making you shy. For a split second, you almost chicken out. With your heart in your throat, you feel as if you're going to choke as your pulse quickens. Can you do this? Were you ready for this? You were quite tired after today, maybe it's best saved for another day. These thoughts race loudly in your head, but the moment you look back up to meet Levi's gaze, they cease to a quiet murmur.
No, you're ready. And you can do this.
With your fingers laced together, you rest your chin on them and continue to look up at Levi's perplexed expression. Your mouth opens and closes a few times before you're finally able to find your voice.
“Will… you marry… me, Levi?” Your voice is scratchy despite the honey tea you drank after your session. It's rough, and to you it's far from pretty. But the change in expression on Levi's face is almost worth it as he stares at you dazed. It's almost funny to see the physical reaction of his brain comprehending what just happened, like a computer crashing and rebooting.
He's reaching over the counter suddenly and cupping your face in his calloused hands. He holds you there as his wide eyes bounce back and forth between yours. You fight back a laugh, your lips pinched together and quivering.
“Do that again. Say my name again.” The urgency in his voice is palpable.
“L…” You take a deep breath and close your eyes, trying to find your voice yet again. It's hard, but you try again anyway. “Levi.” It comes out brittle this time, leaving an uncomfortable pain in its wake.
“How did this happen?” His own voice sounds a little higher than before, and you have to bite back another laugh.
‘I've been working on it alongside my sessions with Foust.’ You've met your vocal quota for the day. Levi's hands stay cupped around your cheeks and he pulls you in until his soft lips touch yours again. Your eyes flutter closed as you kiss him back, feeling the weight of your anxiety lift off your shoulders in an instant.
When he pulls away, his stare is conflicted and before you know it, he's released you and whips around the corner down the hallway. Dread inches its way into your chest where the anxiety was before as you realize he never answered your question. Did he need a moment? Did he even hear what you asked? The shock may have been too much. Your teeth bite into the inside of your cheek as you watch the dark hallway nervously.
A few seconds later, he emerges from the shadows with red creeping from his neck up into his face. He's flustered and holding something small in his hand. It takes you a moment to register what it was, and when you do, you jump to your feet to meet him halfway.
He doesn’t hesitate to open it to you though his fingers tremble ever so slightly. Inside are two golden rings, interlocked together. A small oval ruby sits surrounded by metal vines beset by smaller white diamonds in the shape of leaves. It's simple yet elegant. Your eyes snap up to his, no doubt as big as saucers.
Not only is this ring breathtaking, it's also groundbreaking to you. You've seen this ring box around since before you both had moved in together. It's been in the closet collecting dust, so of course you didn't think anything of it. He's had this ring for a long time, sitting right under your nose.
‘How long were you planning to propose?’
“For a while now. I just didn't know when would be a good time.” He carefully takes out the one with the red ruby and holds it up to you. The kitchen lights glimmer off the smooth surface reflecting red against his fingers. “I can't believe you beat me to it, though.” So he did hear you.
‘I wasn't planning to do it tonight, but I just had a feeling.’
“You never cease to amaze me, you know that?” He leans over to place the ring box onto the side table behind him, then turns to you. Then he does something you've only ever seen in movies – Levi gets down on one knee and the ring out to you.
“Um. I'm not good with things like this. But I just want you to know that I love you. And I've never been more prepared to spend my life with someone, if you'll have me. Will you marry me?” His eyes look away for a second before focusing back on you. Even though you had pretty much said yes when you asked first, he still seemed so nervous.  
To see Levi in such a mess like this in front of you makes that laugh you held back burst forth, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. Speechless again, you reach your hand out to him and just like that, he slides the ring on your finger with ease.
“I- uh, borrowed one of your rings to get it resized.” He mutters as you stare at it curiously. “So, that's a yes right?” Even though you took the ring, you can still hear the anxiety in his voice.
‘Of course, dummy.’ You laugh again before pulling him up on his feet by his collar and into you for another kiss, this time deeper and full of the love that you have for this man. When you pull away, you can't help but stare at the metal hugging your ring finger.
“It was my mom’s, she insisted on me having it. I think she knew.” He grabs your hand and pulls you into him, one hand on your waist and the other cupping your face. “I suppose we should call her tomorrow, yeah?”
You nod sharply, your smile hurting your cheeks, but you don't care. All you feel right now is the same peace you felt last week and excitement for the future ahead. You didn't want anyone else. 
“Say it again?”
“Levi.” He leans in again, hand still on your face as he presses his lips against your once more. There have been many shared kisses since you both became official but this one felt different. You didn't have the words for it, but it was miles away from being bad.
Levi's phone vibrating loudly on the counter disturbs the comfortable silence and you can only sigh. You almost forgot that you had somewhere to be and are reminded by the caller ID flashing your sister's name. In Levi fashion, he ignores it but he does pull away to look at you with a grimace.
“So who’s telling them?” 
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☾ Previous Chapter: June - Part 5
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spicerackofblorbos · 1 month
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Epilogue
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☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!mute!Reader (she/her pronouns), set in a modern semi-fictional world
☾ Summary ➼ Due to childhood trauma, you find yourself an adult without the ability to speak. After years of working on it, you have found ways to live without a voice. Now here in your late 20s, you are 5 months in getting used to a new town. On a fateful day in late November, you and your adopted sister visit a local bookstore-café, unaware of the friendships about to blossom. Throughout the months, one friendship in particular develops into something more.
☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, oblivious feelings, romance, angst, mention of minor character deaths, trauma, illness, adoption, mentions of fire, disabilities, alcohol use, very light nsfw mentions, references to child abuse, smoking and alcohol abuse mentions, domestic violence, light assault, eventual smut
☾ Author's note ➼ Heeeeyy I'm back. If you haven't had an eye on my masterlist for Unspoken Words, you might have missed that I've been working on an epilogue. SURPRISE. If you have, then here it is lol. I am OFFICIALLY done with UW and I'm so sad about it. ALSO for some reason my tumblr app hates me and any time I italicize a line, it italicizes the entire paragraph and I have no idea why. As always, the sign language lines are marked with ' and speaking lines marked with ".
Thank you to anyone who has taken time out of their lives to read my "little" story. I enjoyed writing about this little world and I could not be happier to know that most of you liked reading it. I appreciate you more than you know. Can you believe this is around 100k words? Crazy. Anyways, I'm gonna go write some more, I'll see ya around! &lt;3
☾ Word Count ➼ ~4k
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Reddish-orange leaves dance in a unique ballet number past the window you were currently staring out of. You can't keep your fingers from picking at the sleeves of your wool sweater as you wait for your speech therapist to come and get you from the semi-quiet lobby. The only noises you hear comes from the reception desk and the TV mounted opposite of the couch you were waiting on. The weather channel calls for a beautiful weekend with warmer than usual temperatures – which is good considering Halloween is tomorrow.
A side door leading to the back offices opens up, and your name is called from a stout brunette woman with large rimmed glasses and a kind smile. She holds it open as she beckons you forward, and you don't hesitate to smile back as you pick up your bag and make your way through the door and down the familiar hall on her heels.
You’ve been seeing Dr. Boreal for about almost two years now. You started speech therapy shortly after starting trauma therapy – something they had recommended. You weren't quick to decline the suggestion, but you'd be lying if you said you had ever thought about taking back your speech. Some time in your youth, you just assumed it was gone forever. That it was something that couldn't be fixed.
According to Dr. Foust, your trauma therapist, the speech block was mental. Therefore, it was something that could be explored and possibly broken through.
When he had said that, you had newfound hope and suddenly a silent goal to work towards.
It's like clockwork the way you stepped into Dr. Boreal's navy blue office, stepping over to the right and onto the plush cream colored couch meant just for patients. On the walls of her office sits multiple picture frames and motivational posters, all with smiles and bright colors. Her dark curtains sit parted, letting in the afternoon autumn sun that hits the wall next to you. You watch as she grabs the folder with your name on it before sitting in her large red chair and smiling over to you.
“So, how have you been? How was your trip with Levi?”
‘I’m doing well. And It was lovely! You were right, too. The road to Trost is gorgeous this time of year and the trees! So pretty.’ You think back at the little vacation Levi took you on just a week ago. He had taken the scenic route to the little town that you and he had rented a cabin in.
The leaves were at the end of their life and littered the ground wherever you went, crunching underneath your boots. Between the intimate moments and crisp atmosphere, it really was a magical time. Levi practically had to drag you back home.
On the way out, Levi found this adorable tea shop. It's not easy finding a place that made tea as well as he did, and of course he didn't say anything, but you could tell how much he enjoyed it. You won't soon forget the content on his normally stoic face. That reminds you of the little package snuggled in your purse so you reach down into it to pull out a small, rectangular tin.
‘I got this for you.’ You beam at her as you hand it over gently.
“Cranberry autumn tea?” She inspects the wording on the metal, hazel eyes glittering gold in the sunlight that reflects off the container. Her eyes shift to you as a grateful smile lights up her weathered face. “Oh you sweet thing, thank you so much. But you shouldn't have.”
‘As thanks for dealing with me.’ You laugh softly, leaning back into the plush couch.
“You know it's no problem. Even if I wasn't paid, I'd still enjoy your company.” She waves dismissively after setting her gift down on the table in front of her. “So, let's see where we left off last time.”
You pick at the edges of your sleeves once again as you watch her find the right place in her notes. Dr. Boreal is one of the kindest people you've had the pleasure of being around. Though she was being paid to help you, she always did so much more. She was patient with you when you struggled to get past certain goals, and when your voice hurt after a grueling session she would bring you herbal tea with honey to smooth the pain. Levi joked that you liked her tea more than his to which you always rolled your eyes at.
“Well you have made outstanding progress. Of course, there is still plenty we still need to work on. But you're doing well.” She looks down at her papers as she talks, the scratch of her pen fills the silence after she finishes. She looks back up to you. “Have you shown anyone your progress yet?”
Those around you are aware of your long journey through therapy. They even celebrated with you after one year - Hange's idea of course. Your sister couldn't hold it in when you had told them of the progress you've made and the goals you were looking forward to completing in the oncoming sessions.  
What they didn't know was that you were even in speech therapy, and how far in your speech recovery you were. Keeping it secret from Levi was getting harder with every passing week.
‘No, but I plan to soon, I promise.’ You pinch your lips together in a grimace. This has been a threat for the last 6 months but truthfully, you've been too scared to tell anyone. No, not scared. Nervous.
“Well, you know my stance on that. I’m sure they're going to be ecstatic, when you're ready to do so.” Dr. Boreal sets out a recorder to let you hear your voice the way she does, a tool you both found the most helpful when it came to fixing the areas that needed the most work. “Enough of that though, are you ready to start?”
With a confident smile, you open your mouth to speak.
.
A few hours later, you find yourself home and in the kitchen with your mind in another dimension. You’re currently plating up a vegetable tray on a tupperware platter as autumnal lofi weaves through the room from the speakers behind you. You’re so focused on arranging your sliced up miscellaneous veggies that you don't hear the metal key in the front door and the light footsteps of your boyfriend coming home for the evening.
“Hey.” Levi mutters from behind you, snaking his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder to look at what you're doing – not without difficulty, of course. You jump at his sudden proximity causing you to drop the chosen dipping sauces in the middle of the platter, disturbing the once perfect arrangement.
There's a soft sigh from you, but you feel the giddiness at the expected company fluttering in your stomach. Even after a few years, he still gives you that effect. You twist in his arms to face him, and his gray eyes are downturned in concern.  
“Are you okay? Was therapy too much today?” He lessens his grip on you so you can pull your hands up to sign.
Levi Ackerman’s raven hair is slicked back from him running his fingers through it, and the way that it stayed put and the sheen on the strands, you can tell it must be raining. You've been so fixated on making sure it looked good that you hadn't even noticed. His gaze stares into yours as he searches for what might be bothering you, so you give him a reassuring smile.
‘No, it was actually really good. She said I've made a lot of progress.’
“That's good. Did you come home late, or have you been working on this tray the whole time?” He glances over your shoulder at the vegetables now thrown about on the counter.
‘Yes and no. I decided to run by the farmers market for more options. But they didn't have anything we didn't already have.’ You explain, shrugging your shoulders.
The afternoon sun was so nice on your face that you would have been a fool to not take advantage of it - and it's a good thing you did. Your eyes slide to the water droplets that drip down on the outside of the living room windows.
“Hm. Well we need to leave for Hange's party soon and you're not dressed. Let me finish this for you and you go get ready.” He leans in to kiss your forehead before unraveling his arms and pushing you in the direction of the bedroom. You only roll your eyes but make your way to the back as he asked.
Hange's Halloween Bash is something they have been planning for about a year. The moment the decorations went on sale last winter, she snatched up what she could. She said something about starting a new tradition for her friends turned family. Levi wasn't as excited about the prospect of such a social gathering but you were, and that was enough to get him to go.
Not only were you able to get him to go, you were also able to talk him into dressing up with you.  
In front of the mirror, you finish tying up a black corset that wraps around your waist. It helps form-fit the blue long sleeve dress that drops down to your bare ankles with your pair of flats completing the look. You were almost ready – all that was left was the big blue bow that you pinned to the back of your head as best you could. You suppose for a makeshift Ariel, this would do just fine. You almost chuckle at the irony of the characters you suggested to Levi a month ago.
A girl who can't talk and a prince that loved her despite it.
You do a small twirl in the mirror to make sure everything looks right. You almost jump out of your skin at the sudden sight of the person standing in the doorway. Levi leans against the door frame, the corner of his mouth twitching into a small smirk. His hands are in the pockets of his work clothes as he watches you intently, taking in the sight of you. With a hand over your heart, you give him a small frown.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.” He doesn't sound sorry at all.
‘You are too quiet for your own good. One day you're going to scare me so bad that I'm going to punch you.’ You shake your head but smile anyways. You make your way to the closet to pull out Levi's costume for the night, making sure to grab the red waist sash that threatens to fall to the floor.
“You keep saying that.” He takes the hanger from you but not before leaning in to give you a chaste kiss. With a small laugh, you head out of the bedroom and down the hall back to the kitchen.
On your way there, you take a moment to glance at the framed photographs on the walls. Levi made sure to hang up the pictures he took from his apartment that he shared with Erwin as soon as you both moved in.
There was the one of him, Furlan, and Isabel as well as the one of him and Erwin on graduation day though Levi had persisted with Erwin to keep the latter. His blonde and blue eyed friend told him to take it as he had plenty more photos of the two he could hang up. That didn’t make Levi feel any better and it makes you wonder what photos Levi might be hiding from you.
Dispersed in between those are ones of you and Hange, and some with your shared circle of friends. The last one frames three photo strips next to each other. The first one is from your first Sakura Festival a few years ago where you sat on Levi's lap – both red faced and unaware of the extent of your affections for each other.
The other two are from the same photo booth, taken from the previous and current year. With each year, the smiles and looks of adoration grew. Both, luckily, were without the presence of your sister and Erwin. Surprisingly, it wasn't your idea to go back. As much as Levi did his best to hide his sentimental side, it was always present.  
When you get to the kitchen counter, you see the platter rearranged and closed up with the matching plastic lid. It looks perfect, even better than when you took a crack at it. You also see two cups of tea on the counter, both with steam rising up and dancing in the kitchen lights before dissipating into the air.
With a grin, you reach over to grab what you can only assume is yours based on the light color of your tea then walk around the island to sit on the bar stool, leaning on the counter with the mug in both hands. After your first sip, you sigh happily. It was one of the new teas Levi had brought back from the trip because he couldn't get enough of it. Earthy with hints of floral notes, topped with a citrusy zing.
When you start to wonder if Levi was okay, your eyes catch movement in the hallway. You watch Levi struggle with his sash, the soft grumbling of his irritation coming from under his breath as he tugs on it. Sometimes you never realize how hard it is to do something with less than the normal amount of fingers until it's forced upon you. Of course, Levi was never one to ask for help even after all these years.
Without a second thought, you stand up and make your way over to him. He doesn't fight as you take the fabric from his fingers and tighten it from the back. Tucked into the sash is a white blouse, loose enough to billow in the evening breeze. Black pants and matching boots fit snug against his lower half. When you're done, you turn him to face you to inspect the whole ensemble. With his hair properly slicked back, he was the perfect Prince Eric.
‘You look rather dashing, you know that?’
“Tch.” He rolls his eyes at you, but there's not a trace of annoyance radiating off of him. As much as he hates it, he loves you and would do anything you asked – within reason.
‘Are you almost ready to go?’
“In a few, I didn't just brew this for nothing.” He makes his way to the counter to grab his mug and instead of sitting, he stands propped up against the counter like you were but with his phone in hand.
“Your sister wants to know if you want apple juice or apple cider.” He mutters, his gray eyes flicking up over to you as you make your way over to the seat you were just at to finish your own cup. “Both, right?”
‘How did you know?’ You laugh, but nod in agreement. You watch as his fingers type away, the clicking of the keys filling back empty space. There's barely any sunlight coming through the closed blinds signifying that nightfall was almost here. You just now noticed Levi had gone ahead and turned off everything for you while you were getting ready.
The gut feeling you felt last week is back. There was a moment when Levi drove through the rolling hills, the golden rays of sunset lighting up his face. A moment of peace that washed over you as his soft gaze flitted over to you in the passenger seat for only a second, one hand on the wheel and the other on your thigh.
With a nervous sigh, you reach over and pull down his phone with one finger to get his attention. Instantly he looks at you with worry, his mouth downturned.
“Are you okay?”
‘I bet you love me.’
His eyebrows raise, a little surprised at your random question – at something so obvious that he worries even more that something is wrong.
“What’s this about?”
‘Humor me. I bet you love me.’
“You bet right.” He draws out, confusion lacing his tone. 
‘You have to answer a question now. Since I was right.’
“What do you want to know that you don’t already?” His eyes roll at you again, but he sets his phone and mug down and leans over on his elbows to watch you intently.
‘It’s a simple but very important question, I promise.’
“Tch, okay. Hit me.”
Your eyes are suddenly fixated on the fridge to the right of you, the heat of his stare making you shy. For a split second, you almost chicken out. With your heart in your throat, you feel as if you're going to choke as your pulse quickens. Can you do this? Were you ready for this? You were quite tired after today, maybe it's best saved for another day. These thoughts race loudly in your head, but the moment you look back up to meet Levi's gaze, they cease to a quiet murmur.
No, you're ready. And you can do this.
With your fingers laced together, you rest your chin on them and continue to look up at Levi's perplexed expression. Your mouth opens and closes a few times before you're finally able to find your voice.
“Will… you marry… me, Levi?” Your voice is scratchy despite the honey tea you drank after your session. It's rough, and to you it's far from pretty. But the change in expression on Levi's face is almost worth it as he stares at you dazed. It's almost funny to see the physical reaction of his brain comprehending what just happened, like a computer crashing and rebooting.
He's reaching over the counter suddenly and cupping your face in his calloused hands. He holds you there as his wide eyes bounce back and forth between yours. You fight back a laugh, your lips pinched together and quivering.
“Do that again. Say my name again.” The urgency in his voice is palpable.
“L…” You take a deep breath and close your eyes, trying to find your voice yet again. It's hard, but you try again anyway. “Levi.” It comes out brittle this time, leaving an uncomfortable pain in its wake.
“How did this happen?” His own voice sounds a little higher than before, and you have to bite back another laugh.
‘I've been working on it alongside my sessions with Foust.’ You've met your vocal quota for the day. Levi's hands stay cupped around your cheeks and he pulls you in until his soft lips touch yours again. Your eyes flutter closed as you kiss him back, feeling the weight of your anxiety lift off your shoulders in an instant.
When he pulls away, his stare is conflicted and before you know it, he's released you and whips around the corner down the hallway. Dread inches its way into your chest where the anxiety was before as you realize he never answered your question. Did he need a moment? Did he even hear what you asked? The shock may have been too much. Your teeth bite into the inside of your cheek as you watch the dark hallway nervously.
A few seconds later, he emerges from the shadows with red creeping from his neck up into his face. He's flustered and holding something small in his hand. It takes you a moment to register what it was, and when you do, you jump to your feet to meet him halfway.
He doesn’t hesitate to open it to you though his fingers tremble ever so slightly. Inside are two golden rings, interlocked together. A small oval ruby sits surrounded by metal vines beset by smaller white diamonds in the shape of leaves. It's simple yet elegant. Your eyes snap up to his, no doubt as big as saucers.
Not only is this ring breathtaking, it's also groundbreaking to you. You've seen this ring box around since before you both had moved in together. It's been in the closet collecting dust, so of course you didn't think anything of it. He's had this ring for a long time, sitting right under your nose.
‘How long were you planning to propose?’
“For a while now. I just didn't know when would be a good time.” He carefully takes out the one with the red ruby and holds it up to you. The kitchen lights glimmer off the smooth surface reflecting red against his fingers. “I can't believe you beat me to it, though.” So he did hear you.
‘I wasn't planning to do it tonight, but I just had a feeling.’
“You never cease to amaze me, you know that?” He leans over to place the ring box onto the side table behind him, then turns to you. Then he does something you've only ever seen in movies – Levi gets down on one knee and the ring out to you.
“Um. I'm not good with things like this. But I just want you to know that I love you. And I've never been more prepared to spend my life with someone, if you'll have me. Will you marry me?” His eyes look away for a second before focusing back on you. Even though you had pretty much said yes when you asked first, he still seemed so nervous.  
To see Levi in such a mess like this in front of you makes that laugh you held back burst forth, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. Speechless again, you reach your hand out to him and just like that, he slides the ring on your finger with ease.
“I- uh, borrowed one of your rings to get it resized.” He mutters as you stare at it curiously. “So, that's a yes right?” Even though you took the ring, you can still hear the anxiety in his voice.
‘Of course, dummy.’ You laugh again before pulling him up on his feet by his collar and into you for another kiss, this time deeper and full of the love that you have for this man. When you pull away, you can't help but stare at the metal hugging your ring finger.
“It was my mom’s, she insisted on me having it. I think she knew.” He grabs your hand and pulls you into him, one hand on your waist and the other cupping your face. “I suppose we should call her tomorrow, yeah?”
You nod sharply, your smile hurting your cheeks, but you don't care. All you feel right now is the same peace you felt last week and excitement for the future ahead. You didn't want anyone else. 
“Say it again?”
“Levi.” He leans in again, hand still on your face as he presses his lips against your once more. There have been many shared kisses since you both became official but this one felt different. You didn't have the words for it, but it was miles away from being bad.
Levi's phone vibrating loudly on the counter disturbs the comfortable silence and you can only sigh. You almost forgot that you had somewhere to be and are reminded by the caller ID flashing your sister's name. In Levi fashion, he ignores it but he does pull away to look at you with a grimace.
“So who’s telling them?” 
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☾ Previous Chapter: June - Part 5
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buggyandthebartoclub · 5 months
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Vent post sorry I have no where to scream into the void but here and I am having an anxiety attack lolll
Screaming and trying not to throw up!!!! Lol!!!!
Shoutout to texas medicaid for telling me we were covered till the end of November then suddenly revoking our coverage and sending us the $400+ bill for our sons bloodwork!!! So cool thanks!!!!
Somehow our coverage is denied and our renewal app from JANUARY (which is somehow??? Not the one we most recently had coverage on???) is in review??? And they are ONCE AGAIN
Trying to say my husband is somehow the household provider an adult, but also a child who needs child support, while also being the absent father of said child so he needs to pay child support to… idk himself????
I swear to god I am this 🤏🏼 fucking close to absolutely losing it!!!
I can’t get a fucking appointment in person and ofc you can’t get anyone on the fucking phone !!!!
Not supposed to talk about it online but no one irl knows me here besides like 1 of you so fuck it. My husband was out of work almost a whole!!! Month!!!
Bc he got sideswiped on the highway and now we’re in the middle of a fuckign personal injury lawsuit and thank GOD for the law firm we’re using who works on contingency bc they’re footing the dr bills rn bc he has to go to the chiropractor 3x a fucking week rn (and which is well over $200 a visit bc of shockwave treatment therapy whatever it’s fucking called)
And we have fallen so behind on bills etc, fuck paying for meds who can afford that??
I am literally spiraling into the biggest anxiety attack of my life I have a fucking child to take care of I never cared about being dirt poor when it was just us I’ll live off nothing if I have to but we have a 3yo!!!
I fucking hate texas I can’t wait till we can fucking leave when this court case is over if we have anything left we are moving to North Carolina to be with our chosen family/our sons god parents where at least we’ll have some emotional and moral support nearby we’re just down here by ourselves 8hr one way to anyone (and those anyones are transphobic homophobic racist pieces of shit !!! Shocker!!!! So how much support/help are they really??)
ANYWAY I’m fucking fine we prepaid for a few visits of therapy w extra money I made doing pieces for people on fb so I will be able to work out some of this next visit I just really needed to lose mt shit somewhere thanks
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heyitssashag · 8 months
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Today was pretty good.
I tried the hydromorphone (Dilauded) pain medication yesterday and I didn’t get a allergic reaction. (It’s been over 2 months since I’ve tried it.) Today I took 2 (with 5 hours in-between) and no reaction. Tomorrow I’ll try 3.
With the Dilauded, I was able to get up, walk to the bus stop and head into town at like, 8:30am - with limited pain! I got a half-caf Starbucks and I swear I’m still buzzing from it. My body is not used to caffeine anymore. lol. Then I walked up to the grocery store. I’m not supposed to carry more than 10 pounds but I She-Ra’d that bag of stuff home.
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Afterwards, the kid and I both went for a swim and I got some vitamin D by the pool. Felt good.
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After that, I finished off the last day of my CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) online course.
I also got a call that I’ve been assigned to a Mental Health worker for case management. She’s coming to visit me at my house next week. Yay - I don’t have to travel for 2 hours into the city on a stink-bus. I really hope this support will be helpful.
Over the past 25 years I’ve been under case management at different times. During these past 15 years, I haven’t needed it constantly like I did when I was younger.
A few years ago, I requested a mental health worker. My request was accepted and I was offered an appointment via phone-call every two weeks. At the time, I was grateful to take whatever I could get for support so I accepted. (This was just a few months after my stage 4 diagnoses.) Then about 10 days later, the worker called me back to say I’ve been denied and to go get counselling from the cancer agency. (This is after the cancer agency told me to go to Mental Health.) When I asked what happened and why the sudden reconsideration he just kept cutting me off. This guy was in the wrong line of work - rude, blunt and cold. I didn’t bother engaging - but man, I was livid. So I wrote a seething letter to his boss. I never wanted anyone else to be on the receiving end of such disrespect. As a result of my letter, I immediately got an apology. She was very kind, compassionate and offered counselling until I moved. However, because of that experience, my expectations aren’t super high this time around as I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. So, I’ll see how this pans out.
I’m currently listening to baby owls having a party outside my window…
It’s late baby owls 🦉- go to sleep. 😴
I was recommended this meditation app called Balance. Anyone can try it free for a year. I love it. I tried one of the meditations for procrastination this evening at like 9pm and I immediately felt motivated to get done the last bit of paperwork I was putting off. I never do boring shit that late. I’m usually already fading in and out of sleep. Apparently this is a magic app. So I recommend it.
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Anyway, it’s past my bedtime. Hopefully the baby owls decide to go to sleep soon, too. The kid and I have to be up and out the door early tomorrow.
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mothhfly · 5 months
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my week in pictures 🖤🎠 (twtwtw)
– not that many pictures this week though, i've been going through it lol, it's been a roller coaster –
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since my ✨️person✨️ at the ed advisory organisation is on sick leave for an unknown amount of time, i was put on a waitlist for a new advisor. monday afternoon i got an email saying that someone had cancelled, and did i want an appointment in the evening? of course i did. and it turned out to be one of the best things that could have happened, proving that even in worst-case scenarios (my entire support network suddenly disappearing on me) can foster the most beautiful thing.
the new advisor is absolutely amazing. she's kind, gentle, validating, understanding and patient, and has a kind of healing energy about her. she told me there's no rush, that recovery should happen on my own pace, and that i don't have to think about getting well, just aim at getting better. that i've already come a long way.
speaking with her unlocked something in me, and i cried on several occasions. we talked about my childhood and the fact that no adult ever took proper care of me or tried to help me, and she too brought up the word "neglect" which always seem to cause me to break down. and for about ten seconds i allowed myself to feel the horrific emotional pain that comes with that word, but then i composed myself.
she called me strong and i just thought no i'm the weakest person on earth have you even looked at me i'm falling to pieces, but then i started tearing up again, and she started tearing up too. i said i just want my mom to hold me, and she said it was a testimony of strength for me to have survived until now, all alone, and that i'm already a couple of steps up the stairway towards a freer and better life.
i broke the fuck down. she asked if i wanted a hug, but i couldn't bring myself to accept it, even though i wanted to, so desperately.
then she said, her eyes still wet and voice a little choked up, that even if i don't believe in myself, she does. and she'll help me through, in whichever way she can. her words filled my entire being and reverberated in my head. they tasted like hope.
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my advisor also said i should consider calling my mom, to ask for that hug. so i did, after work on tuesday. it took me a while to be able to voice it, but eventually i said it. mom, i miss you, i want a hug. she thought i was joking at first, but something in my tone must have given me away, because she soon said that if i need her, she'd be there the next day. she only lives an hour away by train after all.
we had an hour long conversation after that. i cried. and cried. and cried. and couldn't tell her why exactly, just that i've been going to therapy for six months, that i've gotten a diagnosis for a mental disorder that i've had since childhood, that my childhood scarred me way beyond what she assumed, that i'm going through a really really rough time right now, and could she please come hold me?
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she did. she came to my apartment. after work on wednesday. and after skirting around the issue for a while, we laid down on my couch and she held me, and we talked. but i still couldn't say the word anōrexia. every time i tried, i brust into tears, and my mom said that it's fine, you don't have to say it, take it easy on yourself. but i needed to tell her, i couldn't carry this boulder on my shoulders all alone anymore.
so i wrote it down on my notes app, and i showed it to her. and she was shocked to her core. and then she was ashamed of her shock, because, as she said, it's so obvious now that she knows. and she doesn't know how she ever could have missed it. not gonna lie, it tore my soul in half hearing those words. almost 20 years of this, and an entire life filled with anxiety, fear, depression and emptiness, and she never noticed. all that horrible horrible pain, years and years of it. me nearly dying as a teenager, me reduced to a shell of a human being during my university years, me barely hanging onto a thread now. all of that... and nothing.
i must be a very good actress.
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she was happy i told her. she apologised to me. both for not protecting me as a child, and for not seeing what was right in front of her eyes this whole time. i said it's fine, no one else did anything either. i don't blame her. she said that both her and my father have talked about how thin i am, but that they chalked it up to stress and my veganism. she didn't want to bring it up with me because i always react with anger whenever they comment on my body, which is true. but it's so difficult to believe that they didn't even suspect. i look like a different person now – when i look at old pictures of myself, i don't recognize the person in them. my face is so bony and tired now. i look older than my years.
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she stroked my arms, shoulders, back and hair with her fingertips, even though i know i'm absolutely disgusting to touch right now, just bone and sharp joints and sinew. she was so warm behind me. i felt safe, for the first time in forever. she's been texting and calling me throughout the week, and when we speak on the phone she's sometimes choked up, saying she's scared i'm gonna die. i don't know what to tell her.
she also told my father about it, who sent me a text saying he loves me. it's the first time he's ever said that, and he's not said a single word to me since. my sister still doesn’t know.
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at some point i had an extremely tough go of it. i hadn't been sleeping, my restriction had reached new heights, and my brain felt fried. it was like i wasn't even human. i was not tethered to this plane of existence at all, so i can't quite remember the hows or whys of it, but i know i posted quite a bit here on tumblr. and some people reached out.
it really made an impact on me, and one message even brought me to tears. it angers me that this community has such a bad reputation when there is all this love and support going around, given so generously and freely. i'm so grateful for it.
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been obsessed with soups. and sure, they're perfect for the season, but not for recovery. but the urges to restrict are stronger than they've ever been, and most of the time i can't fight them off.
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my coworker gifted me this iranian sweet <3 i appreciate her too much to not eat it. it was great. she's gonna bring me to tanzania to do cultural field work with her next year, can you believe it??? i'm gonna get paid to travel, i'm stunned. my boss just approved the project this week. i got to get better, i got to. i don't want to waste this opportunity.
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it's so difficult though. restriction and self-hatred is all i know. breaking the toxic patterns and fighting the panic at every single meal takes more strength than i possess.
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oatmeal with fruit (usually banana), carrots and soup make up most of my meals now. my heart is quivering in my chest. i'm freezing cold all the time, even in the shower or when hugging the radiator. one of my ribs is slowly slipping out of its position and it hurts. my joints and my entire rib cage aches. my concentration is nonexistent and i can't get my work done on time. it's hard to meaningfully engage in any kind of conversation.
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went to a slam poetry event, as one of my friends features in a new poetry book that was just released! this event was a celebration of the publishing. i wanna be where she is so bad. she's an incredible writer, poignant and beautiful. her words touch your soul.
i got to the event early, bringing my book so i could read a little, because i can't concentrate at home, and i finally finished reading pygmalion by bernard shaw. pretty good, but left something to be desired that i can't quite put my finger on.
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from the river to the sea, palestine will be free.
protested again. can't say much about it. the rage will consume me. fuck every single politician with power on this earth who does not lift a single finger to stop a fucking genocide. i hope they rot, along with their hypocrisy and failing morals. brown lives and the global south just don't matter, i guess. only money, imperialism, white people and poorly hidden racism do.
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if you wanna know whether you'd be on the right side of history during wwii, your actions right now will tell you. silence kills. YOUR silence kills. too many of you are silent.
remember, boycotts work. so make sure you boycott AT LEAST disney, coca cola and starbucks (and their sub-companies). pepsi, nestle, airbnb, kfc and burger king too. please.
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had a crafts night with three friends at my place <3 lovely lovely lovely lovely
started making my halloween costume for real (a 1920s theatre star, who probably killed her rivals to land her breakout role), though i couldn't finish it on time. i've been inspired by the amazing jazz age stage outfits, the sparkle and creativity gives me much joy ✨️
i'm not that happy with the result, so i'm gonna try to recreate it again! it was incredibly fun to go crazy with needle and thread, and i love the process of picking out and buying nice fabrics (i made the wings out of white jersey and a shimmering glittery fabric which i sewed together). i still don't have a sewing machine, so it's all handsewn (a true pain), but when i finally get a machine, i'm gonna be unstoppable.
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halloween party at a friend's! everyone had such cool and creative costumes (my favourites were pandora with her box, a scandinavian tourist dad, a literal sugar baby dressed in candy, and an insufferable male feminist, but honestly there were so many good ones).
we played drinking games, which were fun, but which inevitably brought on conversations on intimacy, sexual escapades, and hilarious and hot sex stories. i realised how much this disorder has taken from me, how much i've missed out on and will keep missing out on because i can't bear the thought of someone touching me. because i can't connect with people. because my body is unsightly and my heath is failing. because i don't want to subject the people i like to my massive mental issues. i felt empty and hopeless.
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last but not least, horror movie night on sunday with a group of queer friends <3
i'd only met three out of the seven there, so now i've got four new friends ;)
we watched jennifer's body, which is one of my favourite films, and played ligretto, one of my favourite games 🫀 perfect way to end a rollercoaster of a week
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queerdesire · 1 year
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September 30, 2022
It's been a minute since my last update.
What have I accomplished this week? Well I drove for the first time in the dark last night and honestly I think I smiled all the way home. I'm getting so much more comfortable driving and it's starting to feel so fucking good. I'm hoping to have my license by the end of the year. Driving is not as scary and anxious as I always imagined. I'm proud of myself for this.
Let's see what else am I proud of? Oh! I have paid all my bills but two, both are due on the 6th so not late but I'll probably do it right now as all the other payments should of went through. I'ma be a broke ass bitch but it feels so fucking good to be able to pay everyone time.
I also deleted some girls number! She's been semi dicking me around for a month, and I let her >.< She was the one who hit me up and was interested and wanted to go on a date. I was going with the flow of it. Started out texting strong and things like that but then it became 8 separate times of excuses. Like we were not anything where a conversation of her no longer interested would of been perfectly okay. I even said as much during excuse number 6 lmao. But deleting her phone number and not replying back to her bs felt good. And then my toxic side may have left her on Snapchat 🙈🤡, I don't look at her snaps but she has replied to three of my hot story ones since I've deleted her number and ignore last excuse text and it feels kinda good to be like yeah I'm hot and you missed out. Even if it's in my head and even if that may be a bit toxic lol regardless I'm glad I was able to be like I'm done, and it was okay that it took me a month 😭 because I still was able to stop the pattern instead of continue the pattern of letting ppl use me like that.
I've had two therapy sessions now, the first session I felt hella guilty leaving and the second one I felt like I was on a good high. I was given therapy homework though and I haven't accomplished it :( and I don't think I will before Tuesday. I'm supposed to go out with someone and do something out of my comfort zone. The issue with this assignment is I'm scared to ask ppl to hang out that I wouldn't normally cuz that fear of the rejection and I guess that's the whole point. I did ask a girl one hinge if she wanted to hangout in person and I didn't get a reply so I'ma go with that as my assignment completed lmfao. Oooh and in therapy my therapist at one point said "I'm seeing a pattern here do you?" And I didn't so hopefully I will see the pattern she spoke of with the more sessions I have as she didn't tell me lmao.
Hmm what else? Oh completely over my ex! Well for the most part. Obviously I'll always wish it would be different but I've come with terms that she will never want to be friends and I haven't looked at her socials so much so that I missed her bday lol so that felt like a win. Only looked at her socials the last few days. But to be honest I think I'm using Tumblr as a distraction 😅 I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing tho.
Let's see what else...oh the new job is going very well! Last night it felt so easy, I think I asked someone one question and I remembered to bring silly things like the pizza stand, app plates, pepper mill, instead of forgetting until last minute. Oh and a coworker has now started to play with my hair and honestly makes me feel a bit loved, as touch is my love language. She's super sweet. Also last night one of the "favorites" told me I was, "the better new servers" and that I am a "hard worker" my cocky ass knew this, my cocky ass knew i would be but I can't say that :P I'm playing a political game here. But I said thank you lol oh and I was sitting next to some girls and they included me in conversation and one was like yeah when deena first met me she told me she thought I was gonna be a bitch 😅😂. So then everyone wanted to know what I thought about them. One of the girls was like did you think I was gonna be mean? And I told her yes I said "we didn't speak until Sunday!! So yes I thought you were going to be mean but you're very nice." Turns out she told me she's shy and I 100% can see that. I did not tell any of them that I think all pretty girls are going to be mean because they are hot lmao
I don't think anything else happened this week that is note worthy. I havent cried or felt hopeless in awhile and that is a wonderful feeling. I honestly think that has to do with therapy tho.
My period is very late and I'm pregnant jk jk jk 😂 but it is late af. That bitch needs to get here.
OOOH I REMEMBERED SOMETHING. One of my best guy friends works at my new job, he is why I went there. And a different coworker came up to me and was like "do you know Sean talks about you alot?" "I think he likes you" etc etc. And I was dying absolutely trying not to laugh because Sean is such a homie, I would say brother but we playfully flirt sometimes to hype the other up so what ever that makes him. But I had to explain to the coworker that Sean is a close friend, my homie is how I think I worded it. The dude was so small minded though and wouldn't stop and I was like I'm extremely gay and Sean knows this so there isn't anything between us. (I think it's because Sean and I hug at work) because the kid still didn't let it go. I went over to Sean immediately after and him and I got a huge laugh. Sean also said he had never even spoke to the dude before lmfao so I'm real confused but find it amusing nonetheless.
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rustencohle · 2 months
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Last week i got a job offer that is actually properly good and that i actually feel excited for following two rounds of interviews and testing. I am starting at the end of the month and honestly I'm still amazed that among all the candidates they chose me lol. I quit my current job today and let them know about it too and their response felt way too dramatic for my liking but at least it's over. After the depressing months I've had at the end of last year looking for a job, genuinely thinking that I might never again find employment lol this offer feels absolutely exhilarating! I also got accepted into a semester long programme and a 3 day master class in a different city in a few days in the field i graduated and I will be listening to all these amazing professionals give lectures and so on and that's also exciting bc i want to return to education/learning but not really in an academic setting.
So I've been on a roll! I am happy about it all! I feel proud of myself! And yet my anxiety and OCD are worse than ever. My head is filled with the most insane fears and paralysing thoughts and i can't stop that same desire to just smash my ol' head like a watermelon because i just can't deal with my mind anymore. I live in silent agony from the outside. But on the inside I have this feeling of dread just coursing through my veins 24/7. Therapy on friday and if i can find the guts to book that psych app next week that would also be great. I think for way way way too long i have just been managing my mental issues and i imagine them simmering over all these years in a pot and now they are very much boiling and close to running over. And i'm scared about how that will look like so i must do something about it soon even if that in itself feels debilitating
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steamishot · 4 months
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funky
although there have been a lot of good moments this past month, i overall was in a funk. in hindsight, i was really disappointed with how the job search was going and a lot of my expectations going out the window. our plan of moving back in winter (aka now) looks more like summer of next year or later. i was in LA for three weeks and matt and i were semi-long distance. i felt really sad that after all these years of hard work, we were where we started: me in my parents house, him in a tiny apartment in NYC, and the future uncertain. i felt like we had nothing to show for all the years of sacrifice and it is embarrassing. also, being at home feels different recently. like there is some silent disappointment that we haven't moved back home yet and it keeps getting delayed (could be me projecting).
my ginger/headspace app from kaiser finally reactivated during a good time. i had a couple texting sessions with life coaches which were helpful. the main takeaway from this is that i became so tunnel-visioned on something that is essentially out of my control, and basically forgot to nurture all the things that are in my control. i felt like i had job search depression by extension. reading about how others were struggling to find a good job (and remembering that my own brother was unemployed for 8 months) helped me feel less alone. i am planning on doing therapy starting december since it is covered by kaiser when i'm in CA.
finally, i cried at least 6+ times in the last two weeks instead of holding it all in. i usually only cry a couple of times a year max. it felt very releasing, and i reminded myself it's okay to not be okay.
positive things
my cousin stephanie came to visit from TX and she slept over at my parent's house for 3 nights. it was so nice to get to know her a little bit more. i never felt close to her because she grew up a lot more americanized and i am naturally closed off, but there's also many commonalities by just being related. she and matt connected because they're both in healthcare. she joined us for hot yoga one day and was quite good
one of the days, my niece had a 102 fever. luckily, there were two healthcare professionals in the room. i went along with matt (MD) and stephanie (PA) to CVS to pick up an ear thermometer since we didn't have one at home
attended S&A's wedding. it was an intimate setting and the bride was gorgeous ;) got to finally meet the groom A and see J&O again after 3+ years. we really liked the succulents and food.
had a craft's day with G at her parent's house in east LA while watching twin flames and no hard feelings. we made felt ornaments that i later gave to my niece
went on a hike and ate dinner with matt's family at ho kee cafe.
got hai di lao and matcha with stephanie at westfiled santa anita. i gifted her my old coffee grinder, but my clumsy self broke the glass container at the last minute :/
had dinner at my aunt's house for veterans day. i got to see my baby cousin E who is taller now! i picked up cousin B from color guard practice. it was inspiring to see how hard these teenagers were working
as part of the long distance lifestyle, matt and i met up in norcal to celebrate his birthday. we stayed at alila ventana big sur and carmel valley ranch. alila, though beautiful, was TOO indulgent for me lol. due to it being all inclusive, we basically planned our days around eating at the same restaurant and i just felt meh and stuck. i much preferred our carmel valley ranch stay, where we were more active and got to explore the town
funny side note, we took a class called balance and fit at CVR and it turns out everyone in the class was at least 80 years old. the instructor was nice enough not to treat us differently haha
did a corepower sculpt class in redwood city before flying a red eye back to NYC
matt has an interview with USC next week. a few other places have responded: kaiser, UCLA, memorialcare and cedars. fingers crossed (but keeping expectations low)
i started watching abbott elementary and really enjoyed it. recently enjoyed the movie a million miles away. i also started playing chess on chess.com. this is me learning how to nurture other parts in my life i've been neglecting. i am literally learning resilience by playing chess. i have a tendency of not wanting to lose/fail, and rather give up than learning how to do better. but, here i am losing and continuing to try lol
thanksgiving: matt is on a hard rotation and it is his birthday on thanksgiving day. R&T mentioned hanging out but we haven't finalized plans yet. i have plans with T to watch marvels on friday.
black friday wishlist: manduka yoga mats, yogitoes yoga towels, breville bambino plus espresso machine to keep at my parent's house, fellow opus grinder (already purchased) and maybe a new kindle cover
note: life is much more enjoyable when i don't try and control everything. appreciate the here and now, because i might miss it once it's gone. having such rigid expectations will always leave me feeling disappointed. enjoy the journey as it is 70-80% of the process.
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guzsdaily · 4 months
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Good mood on a [somewhat] chaotic day
Day 12 - Nov 17, 12.023
This is the latest post yet, at the time of starting writing this is 11 p.m. and let's just say that it was a busy day, so why
not list the events in this day as today's post?
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Woke up at around 7 a.m., but just got up of bed around 8 a.m. After that, the normal start of the day when I have to go to my therapist in the morning: Shower, dress up, brush teeth, get my bicycle, keys, money, etc. And after drinking my coffee, I was ready to go off home around 9:30 a.m. Something which I started some weeks ago, was going to therapy by bicycle, even if my city is not really meant for it, doing this helps me feel more in the outside world and help my anxiety with the movement of city and real world in general. It is an exhausting ride, because of small hills, ups and downs, not so good pavement, but it is just at the most twice a month, and now I have an excuse to not go to gym the next day if I need to.
I arrive at the clinic half an hour later, put my bicycle in a street sign, and just wait in line to pay and confirm my arrival. At this point, after doing it a lot of times, it is already muscular memory, my anxiety doesn't attack anymore to me honest, which it would some years ago. While waiting to pay, I see my therapist going outside the clinic... "ok?" It sometimes happens, and there's around half another hour until my consultation. After paying, I go to the waiting room and the door to my therapist
room is closed, and I can see that the lights inside are turned off, "ok, there's still 30 minutes until, whatever", open my "read it later" app - which I never used and just opened to see how it actually works - and start reading some articles.
While reading, an old lady approaches me questioning if I was waiting to another professional, and after saying that I was waiting to my therapist, she tells me that they already left. "Thank you, I already knew, I am just waiting for they to return and my time to be called arrive". And I'm going to be honest, my lack of social interaction daily and just "residues" of my social anxiety left me just wandering: Why? Why me? I am just sitting here waiting, doing nothing? Just confused why this lady approached me in the first place, when are so many people around k'now?
Then my marked time arrives and nothing, my therapist is nowhere to be seen. Another employee arrives, with a cable in hand(?), and enters the room to place it somewhere, and when they left, they change the sign saying what professional was there, and now that's not where my therapist will attend, apparently. When after noticing I just rush to get help, and apparently they're in another room in another floor now, and ok, just some 5 minutes passed, I will just have a some minutes less in my consult. And being honest, I wasn't stressed or anything, actually I just was thinking it was funny, and I was in a good mood in general, even more after that interaction with the lady.
Going to the right room, I question another guy who was also waiting if they're attending, and kinda have a small talk because of that and because my therapist is late because of this room change. And with this small talk... apparently I discover another stranger who is learning web dev! And just this detail made me talk so much more and talk with him, another person who has the same interests! Yyyyeeeeee! (lol). However, right at the time of knowing it, my therapist calls me, but right before I can pass contact to talk later with him possibly - and I cannot explain the face of my therapist seeing this interaction lol.
In the therapy session, in summary: I'm doing fine, the experiment of being alone on my birthday was good, and these small interactions like the one that just happened are really doing good for me.
After the session, things go a little more of rail. When getting out my bicycle, I see my therapist going outside again... and you know that feeling of seeing your teacher outside of school? Kinda the same thing. And right when I get my bicycle off, I almost hit another old lady, without even riding the bicycle, because I turned the handlebar right in the second she was walking there and end up scaring her, "Sorry!". I have to admit that I should have seen both sides of the sidewalk before, my bad!
Going back home in the same route, let's just say that again, my city is not meant for bicycles like the ones you see in Europe, you will be riding alongside cars, and the only bicycle lane is right in the middle of the street. And I needed to cross the street, in an intersection, in traffic lights, which I have done many times, and many times you can cross riding it if you time with the lights enough... and let's just say that I speed up a little to be able to cross... and didn't see the curb of the street in front of me because I was looking behind to check any cars... and wasn't able to break or turn enough to go in the bicycle lane... and felt off... and now I just haven't a leg soaking blood because I was wearing pants... which saved me from scrapping my leg on the sidewalk tiles...
And to finish the trip home, somewhere near my house, I almost lost my water bottle because I dropped it in a steep road!
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But why talk ever detail and bad things that happened? Well, outside now knowing what to write here today, I'm really want to clarify and say that through this entire morning, I never felt actually stressed. This is something which I would like to talk more in the future, but there are a lot of things that can happen in a day, even more when you go outside to do something and are vulnerable to the randomness that a city can have. And a lot of things will be stressful, but why really be so angry over the little ones? I know that it can be something cliché, but for someone who doesn't go outside very often, I laughed my shit off with all these little things that happened, hurting or not, they made this day be different and somewhat special and a learning experience in a way. I didn't hurt myself bad, and no actual accident happened, so why bother?
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For the record: I wasn't able to post this on tumblr on time, literally a minute after midnight I posted, and I'm not sure yet if because of that I will reset the days counter. The start of writing this post was around 10 p.m., but then a friend of mine fucked up his computer and was having an anxiety attack because of it, so I was able to start just around 11 p.m. If I had written this in the morning right after coming home, none of this would have happened, but I'm also sure that this will not be the last day I end up posting late, emergencies can sometimes happen and things like that. I will try to make the writing of these more streamlined for me to see if it helps, I really don't want to fail with this compromise with myself anymore.
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Today's artists & creative things
Song: Honey I'm Home - by Ghost and Pals (feat. Black Gryph0n & Baasik) - The chaotic beat of this song is superb, and it was actually what I was listening to when left my house. This artist has such a unique style each song, and it is hard to say that one song has the same style as another, the only thing that I can pin post is most of them is "chaos".
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Copyright (c) 2023-present Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello <[email protected]>
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License
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heart1n4box · 9 months
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July 2023: Gratitude
I'm gonna try
July 1: I have money for rent! And it's the last rent payment in this apartment.
July 2: I stayed in bed till 11 and spent the rest of the day making meat pies. Also started Graceland from s1 bc Pedro Pascal is in it and I had no idea 🤯
July 3: went to the movies (masked the whole time) with Carla, we saw Past Lives, it was beautiful. Got a really nice reading/hung out w Vernisa, also lots of fun
July 4: talked to my mom, who comforted me about my credit score and income woes. Gained a bit of understanding about what I might need to learn during my Saturn return
July 5: made progress w the Real Talk materials, cleaning and packing progress, read before bed and got to bed earlier than usual
July 6: pizza. Orgasms. Ppl coming to view my apartment have been fine w putting masks on. I can get a signed letter from Amada for proof of income. I have most of my rental materials together. Looking at bridesmaid dresses with Kyla and Julia.
July 7: helped Kyla w a package! It was nice to chat for a second, especially when she had a rough day prior headed to Jersey for a kpop concert. I also did really well during a job interview. Started watching Harlem! Filled up a couple more moving boxes.
July 8: Barely remember, but a chill night was had. I think I meant to do all this packing, but I literally just had a drink and relaxed, took a nap that turned into bed lol.
July 9: a quiet Sunday. Surprised myself by ordering more pizza just to get dessert. Packed a solid amount, cleaned some! My wash day took 2hrs!!! I didn’t style it lol, but washed, detangled, and dried between 11pm and 1am.
July 10: prospective tenants didn’t show. Leftover pizza. Will make packing progress. Talked to mom. Emotional support yarn. Might see Rolake this or next week.
July 11: saw a small but nice apartment, will hopefully be able to tour the other more expensive apartment. Got ice cream.
July 12: therapy w Rolake, and the fact that she’s going to cover every other appointment while I see her twice a month. Jeez. Ice cream. Popeyes
July 13: more packing. Another apt viewing no-sho. Busier day in the office but still chill. Cookies.
July 14: pizza that’s open late. Mom who answers the phone. TV.
July 15: strangers with extra earplugs, cake, ice cream. Running into profs who respect you. Ft with siblings who like you. Making it home in once piece.
July 16: I can’t remember. But I fed myself and probably hung out and did nothing. Migraine slowly went away. Started I’M A VIRGO
July 17: work was chill. Thought about making art that isn’t Theatre or film. Talked to mom probably.
July 18: I cooked real food in the midst of awful period cramps. Mom called and I felt soothed. Writer’s group mtg went well. Followed up about social media job, sent my resume, got a positive response.
July 19: pre-approved for the apartment and the meeting w management went well. Pizza and dessert.
July 20: 2nd writers mtg went well. Full approval for the apartment. A lot of sleep.
July 21: a couple of part time gigs might come through. Rejection from a job I’d take out of necessity, not out of interest or joy. Thinking about the fact that I could wait for a job that I actually want, now that housing is *almost* secured. A residency I’m excited about and who’s app I’m technically done with. Good mtgs with Miah and the Director of DEI. Sifiso in the student life office. Iffie’s doing okay and with Sandy. Mom is on her way home. Dad’s good too. Low-stakes comedic TV. Even if I don’t book the thing, I still know I’m good. Knowing deep down that I deserve a full, safe, and fun love.
July 22: a somewhat chill day
July 23: Coney Island and doing a scary thing once
July 24: mock panels that are informative and affirming
July 25: a random day w nothing on the calendar
July 26: therapy isn’t what you wanted to hear but what you needed to hear I guess. Therapists who reiterate that you aren’t bothering them by reaching out via email
July 27: very nice teams at job interviews, the Brooklyn Public Library
July 28: everyone is too busy for aliens
July 29: buckled-down screenplay edits that work, rescheduled flower delivery
July 30: The Bob’s Burgers movie, cleaning supplies, easy food, an optimistic mother, finished program applications
July 31: friends who will move their schedules around for you, ppl who let you know when rules are BS, movers/taskers who are incredibly understanding and good at their jobs
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nightmareofmenses · 2 years
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Idk how to make a read more or whatever sorry if this is annoying (I guess who am I even apologizing to) but I just have to uhhhh scream about how much I love my partner Daniel. We’ve been dating (still sounds SO weird to say) for 2 months. I don’t know who knows this but we’ve been friends for 5 years we met playing the last of us online lol and I was married but I had a crush on him and really started to fall for him 3 years ago so I eventually left my ex husband and fully committed to falling in love with Daniel in 2020. he’s 1 year younger than me (34/35) and has never been in a relationship or even kissed anyone I am his first everything and he only showed me his face AFTER we officially started dating (he’s maybe on the spectrum and has severe social anxiety and self esteem issues) and he’s so?? fucking adorable? I mean I love Him so of course I think he’s adorable. He’s Canadian and his first language is French so I have been learning for the last 2 years it’s been so much fun. Trying to go to see him asap.
The batshit craziness of how we got together… I had told him that I was in love with him and it scared the shit out of him so for like a year we battled and played games of the heart, we basically acted like a couple but with his luxury of claiming to be not ready for a relationship/adventure.. then this summer I randomly met this French guy on an app called Tandem (meet people to learn language with) and fell in weirdly with him (it was fine, I think I loved him, it was just really fast and I was still in love with Daniel), that was a dramatic 2 months. I decided that I had been patient enough with Daniel and it was time to move on?? I knew it wasn’t but I was at my wits end. It was some crazy Jane Austen bullshit. I was just like okay the man I love won’t be with me, and I was ready to settle for Frenchie. At first it was okay, I even talked about him to Daniel (who definitely seemed uncomfortable hearing about it but fuck if he said absolutely nothing plus he straight up had said to me in the past he couldn’t be with me) and thought I could be friends with Daniel LOL well it basically boiled over and I had to choose to cut Daniel out of my life and move on or be alone forever (convincing myself Daniel would never man up). So after an emotional therapy session I was going to have the Goodbye Conversation with Daniel towards the end of July. It did not go well. I knew i couldn’t live without him. Daniel, who had never said these words before, choked out through tears that he loved me and wanted to be with me. And a switch flipped in my brain, in my soul. I was like « oh okay I shall break up with frenchie tomorrow » and we fell asleep on discord. The next morning I woke up and he said « Jenni? Je t’aime » and I… well, still to this day wonder if I’m dreaming. I love him so much, so intensely. It’s cosmic. It’s automatic.
Anyway, don’t really know how to end this except wow. I really got the silly slow burn friends to lovers trope of my dreams.
Good night.
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87435678753256732 · 2 years
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Update // September, 2022
where: room
doing: laying, listening to Kokomo, IN by JP
hey! it’s been a while. i stopped entering new blogs after covid, school, and work started picking up again.
Well now it’s 2022 and i’ve finally graduated! this was back in may, so it’s been a couple of months. I now have a BS(haha) and am planning on applying to grad school this fall (this month act HAHA) AHHH i’m terrified. i work full time now at a place related to my degree. i love my coworkers, although i wish we got more employee appreciation such as free food jeje. bare minimum pizza parties?? cmon yall. I’m still at Target here and there, mostly to start saving up for grad school cus a bitch is BROKE. holidays are coming up so that’ll be fun. i started physically journaling as well but that didn’t last long either. i started therapy this time last year. i liked her at first but definitely caught some red flags. finally almost a year later i got the guts to terminate and got a therapist that has a similar background and is a beast at processing. she did call me out tho LMFAO on stuff i’m a bit hypocritical on.
life was pretty much become work, rest, work, rest. i have been drifting a bit from my college friends because they’re still in school, but i try to reply in the gc. my hs friends i’ve pretty much lost contact with. the only person i actively speak with is aracely who i adore. but i only see her irl like twice a year. trying to get better at catching up with friends. i haven’t been worried about my social life bc so much of it is online, so it’s easy to communicate. my twitter bud cameron keeps me updated on twitter drama and bs that the internet shits out, and my other pals i keep in touch by watching their stories LOL. my friend sun told me he cannot go a week without speaking to his friends which makes me feel bad for him. i couldn’t imagine being so dependent on others like that. now for the juicy stuff. i’ve been pretty much single for the entirety of this blog. i actually started this as a way to see my progress mentally. although i haven’t scrolled ALL the way down, i already can tell it’ll be cringey as FUU. teenage me was dramatic asf. i’ll be 23 this year, and at a place where i can feel my frontal lobe finally forming lolol. dating apps have always terrified me, mostly bc i felt a form of embarrassment from having others see me. yet, they can’t judge cus they’re also on the app as well LMFAO. so i never went through with it. instead i lurked through the internet in places where i was the most comfortable in. and after a few months of slithering through the cracks, i stumbled upon a post that caught my attention. this was about spring time this year. i didn’t have the guts to hit this person up and instead contemplated the idea for some days but eventually talked myself out of it. the next couple of months i went back to walking through the back rooms of the web. early this summer that same person posted something, i recognized their user, so i said “fuck it” and hit them up. i did use a burner account tho and not my actual account from when i was 18 LMFAO. roach milk some would call it. he ended up replying and we started talking online. once it hit the weekend, he asked if i wanted to hang out irl which i started panicking and trying to come up with excuses LOL i was just scared. the first date went great imo and we kissed at the end. the kiss SUCKed bc i was uncomfy on our location and also bc i had just met this person.
i just need to stop my brain from trying to sabotage my happiness. my body image has also gotten a bit better, especially considering he’s seen every spot in my body lmfao. i’ll be bring up the self sabotage to my therapist next week so hopefully i’ll have something to update y’all on soon.
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thelifeofnosilla · 2 years
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It's been a long time...hi!
Yeah it's been a while, noticed my last post said something about 365 pounds. Well whatever I said in that post probably did not happen because I am now 375 pounds. 10 pounds heavier and not sure I am really liking my life because of it. I decided to come on here and write (even though this should be a daily thing for me) because I am going into a deep depression. I honestly have no idea what is going on with me but I was out of it all day.
Yesterday I found out that I got accepted for what was my little "dream" apartment but sadly we are not going to take it because my partner and I do not have money saved up for it. It had everything I needed/wanted and even a gym in the building WHICH WAS WHAT I REALLY WANTED. I feel like having a gym in the building would just help me stay motivated even though lately I feel like nothing motivates me.
Just a disclaimer that I am going to babble off about different things today. I just needed to get everything going on in my life the past few months out.
Anyways, I got into a situation where I wasn't paying my rent for a few months and now owe a lot of back rent which could get me evicted by the end of September if I do not get it paid. My partner pays the ConEd and WiFi while I pay for the rent. This was kinda the deal moving in since he was not even ready to move out of his father's house but I asked him to move in with me. The plan is when we move from here to go 50/50 on everything and honestly rent at this place is so cheap!
I will probably keep this post private so that everyone is not in my business/our business now that I think about it. (DECIDED TO POST, YOUR STORY CAN HELP SOMEONE ELSE!)
ANYWHO, I am in debt, I know I can get paid more at a new job, I feel like I owe everyone and everything. I don't even know what to do anymore (lol). I guess the real truth is that I am at a loss in life at the moment. I do not even take care of myself and I really need to start. I try here and there but nothing is consistent so I need to put some real discipline in my life because I do not know wtf I am even doing anymore. I am going to read my past post after this just to see where things went wrong for me and see if I can catch myself back up.
As I am writing this, I am thinking that I need to do the $0 budget where all my money goes somewhere so that I cannot find an excuse to spend money on something I do not need. I deleted the food apps from my iPhone but those are just a download away and I fall right back into that trap. Urgh. I do not know what I am going to do as I keep saying here (lol). I cannot even open up a regular bank account because I have messed up all my relationships with the banks and I do not have the money to mend those relationships. I can sit here and dwell on all the what ifs of life but I am letting that go. I need to leave all of my past in the past and truly move forward in life.
I guess I am starting to feel a little better as I write everything out. This is what I need to do in general, even with work, I need to just write about it and vent into my writing so I do not react at work or in life in general. I know a lot of people say just go to therapy but I do not feel ready I guess to take that next step. I also noticed I do not like talking to people much in conversation, I rather pour it all into a book at this point. I just do not want to speak about my trauma and my life. Maybe everyone thinks I am crazy but this might work best for me right now until I find myself ready to take that step.
I do want to share that my anxiety has gotten a little bit better. I could not even get out of my house at one point and I hated traveling on the MTA because I just felt like something was going to happen to me. Living in NYC can be rough. I was mostly ok until COVID hit and things got really bad and I just would rather stay home. I have plans to get out of the house tomorrow on my own so hopefully that works out for me. I want to go to Whole Foods and buy some healthy options to eat during the week. I might stop by Bath & Body Works to get myself a candle. Either way I want to start doing stuff for myself so I can feel better. I am not the girl who needs to get her hair done but definitely need to start adding getting my nails done every two weeks, mani/acrylic and a pedicure. I am in a whole relationship and my feet be looking crazy. LOL. It sounds funny but seriously we all need to care for ourselves.
I had to take a pause to go in my phone because I have been wanting to go to this nail artist for acrylic nails and I think I am going to start going to her. I need to be ready for when she opens her books since she opens them biweekly. On another note though I had red and blue hair this year but I am going to cut it and dye it black, probably might do that once I get off here. I need a break from the colors so I can stay focused on other things. I have not had black hair in a very long time but my hair short is everything for me. I do not know why but it makes me feel so good and like a true woman. When my hair is long, nothing looks nice to me, even when I blow it out. I cannot explain it but short hair seems to be the thing for me.
I am going down the list of my life to see what else has been happening and I noticed I did not even mention I am going to be 30 on Sunday, August 28th. Something about my birthday being on a Sunday feels so right but I really cannot believe I am going to be 30 years old. I really thought that I would be in a different place in life but I am not and that is totally ok. 30 is going to be a different chapter for me for sure, probably a whole new book. I want things to be different, I want to really work on me. I plan to live it up in my 30s and live life to the fullest, as well as really manifest a life for myself.
Was thinking about cleansing myself. I feel like I need a full cleanse in life, to let go of all my past and wrong doings and move forward as a better person. I do not feel like going to everyone I hurt or hurt me and speaking about it will make things better. I believe it is what you do moving forward. At this point I just see no sense in moving backwards. I hope this does not seem like a cop out in life but I just really want to start a new chapter for myself and I really want things to be different.
RANDOM BUT I need to stay the hell off Instagram lol. I feel like it sucked me back in again. I need to put most of my time into reading, educating myself and just being better. (Reminds me I want to go back to school at some point lol). But yeah, Nosilla needs to invest her time wisely!
From February 2023-July 2023, for those 6 months, I am saving and paying off debt, saving and paying off debt. I do want to buy myself a car for my 31st birthday but I am not sure yet if that will happen. I just want $10k in my savings account first and everything else can come after that. I need money put away that I do not touch so if I ever end up in a situation, at least I have some type of money. For my car, I want to be able to have my 6 months of insurance paid up front when I finance my car, because honestly I am probably not going to lease. I think it is best I finance since I plan to drive it everywhere lol.
Who knows anything..like I said before I AM LOST but I want to make moves to a better future and start manifesting my life.
I am glad I got all this out, I think I said somewhere above I will go back and read my old post but I am not going to. I am going to just move forward and one day when things in life are where I want them to be, I can always come back to see how far I have come.
Goodbye all you beautiful people - we will chat soon! 🥰
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lissabean · 2 years
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I have a lot of thoughts today.
My boss once referred to me as "a fixture in her house" and I really don't like the way that sounds. I suppose she may not have meant any harm by it. She probably just meant that I'm there all the time - which is true - but she seems to think I'll be here forever, which definitely isn't true.
I've been thinking a lot about what I'd like to talk about in therapy tomorrow. I think I want to delve into my psychotic break and the unexpected accusation I made against my father. I don't know though. Every time I decide what I'm going to talk about in therapy, something else usually comes out. I suppose I'll keep it in mind and if I end up being ready to talk about it, I'll talk about it.
I'm taking a technology break today. Yes, I know I'm using Tumblr right now but only to type out this post. I love journaling and I consider this just another online journal, honestly. I like keeping track of my life at particular moments, even moments that have no grand significance. There are things I never would remember if I didn't have something of it to look back on.
Anyway, I'm not using the TV while I'm at work and I'm using my phone as little as I can. I've been replying to friends and looking up a thing here and there but that's all. I've been very tired lately and I think that's partly because my mind has been stimulated far too much for too long.
Oh! I almost forgot lol. Our apartment closet and half of our bedroom got flooded yesterday. Water had pooled up beneath the carpet from a toilet that had busted in the apartment next to us. The funny thing is, it was the toilet from the model apartment - the one they bring potential residents ((pls tell me why I thought the word was "livers" for a second)) in to see. So we're crashing with my husband's baby mama for almost a week. It's not nearly as awful as it would have been years ago. It's actually quite nice to be there. We get to spend time with my step-daughter which is always fun. We played Yahtzee last night, it had been a long time for me. I forgot how much I love that game, hehe.
I started smoking cigarettes again after going three months with no nicotine. I had been vaping before. I know I'll quit again here in a bit so I'm not gonna give myself a hard time over it.
I think maybe I already talked about registering for college classes but- oh yeah, I remember I did. Good then. I think that's about it for now. Um, I guess last thing I can talk about is how much money I'm making from Rover right now. It's a pet sitting app and it is keeping me busy! I'm glad for it though, I need to save all the money I can so I can get started at school asap, hopefully no later than next summer.
Speaking of summer, I am ready to go swimming. I love the sounds of summer, the heat, the vibrancy of it. I wanna lay in the sun for a while and swim - then repeat. That sounds just about perfect to me.
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Day 313
Well, first of all: Holy Shit. It's almost been a year since everything collapsed.
Actually, no. Fuck that. I had a couple months of peace but August, September, December and January were all fucked bc you couldn't keep your mouth shut. I'm so conviced that if you had never told me you loved me, I would be fine by now. I would have accepted that you were never hiding anything, you just didn't love me, and moved on with my life. But knowing that you did want me only made things worse. It's what I thought I wanted to hear but it just messed everything up so much more.
It's been an interesting time, and I suppose before I go into any of my recent revelations, I should detail the more recent events:
You couldn't help but play nice during Christmas. I kind of knew it was coming, I won't lie. I knew you weren't blocked on my Whatsapp, and I just knew in my gut something was gonna happen. And it did. You apologized. And in that moment I just wanted to die. I cried infront of my newly made friends (it wasn't pretty). For just a moment I thought you realized what you'd done and I almost let you off the hook. But I didn't say anything for two weeks. And then in a drunken ramble I replied exaclty what I felt. I really deeply regret that conversation. I meant every word I said, but I was just so caught up in my own sadness and anger that I just exploded. But I guess it's always the case- you're always gonna regret something in those kinds of situations. We haven't talked since then, and I've come really really close to reaching out.
Then, you found me on tiktok. At that point I knew you were on the app, didn't block you. I always leave a thread to follow just in case. You followed me, liked a few videos. One of them was about you giving me and eating disorder which tbh I cannot justify. But that's when I saw that there's another girl. Also foreign, also artsy. surprise surprise. Playlists on spotify, trips to Brighton, Van Gogh exhibitions. Everything I ever wanted and fantasized about, you were giving to another girl. I don't think I've cried liked that in a while. Its just so insane how I can know so deeply in my heart that you were never good for me and that I did the right thing for a few weeks and then almost reach out the next. Every time I think I'm over it, it comes back and hits me like a train.
But I didn't reach out, and instead I started going to therapy so...yay me I guess. But anyways, onto the revelations:
I am so immensely lonely. I knew coming back home for break was gonna be hard, and it has, but therapy has actually helped me out. I know what to look out for, I know how to look at things in a different way now. And one of them is you. Or, me missing you. It really isn't a coincidence that I only really miss you when I'm bored, with too much time to waste, and especially at night. It makes since that right now, at a time where I don't really have any other sources for that, my mind turns to you. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to want attention or validation from men. But it makes sense. Daddy Issues should be a real psychological diagnosis, because I'd be the poster child (lol that was kind of a pun).
I try to think of what I want from you, what I miss, and it's literally just attention. validation. cute comments that felt extra special because of how rare they were (god I was trained like a dog). I do miss getting to know you, but it's definitely not the focus of my thoughts. They are far more selfish. I kind of hate that I'm realizing that though, because it makes me think that any realtionship I might end up in or any romantic interaction I'll ever have will be purely for my own benefit, and that just feels wrong.
Thing is, I feel like for now, I'd rather try and find another guy that can give me that, than to stay single and keep looking over my shoulder at you while pretending I'm getting better at it and working on myself. I do have a target in mind, but we'll see how it goes. But yeah, it's just kind of cliché at this point: girl who thinks she's never going to be loved keeps looking back at the only example she has had to prove otherwise.
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