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thetheatermst · 1 year

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Hidan Beef Village Pt. 3

“Okay, okay, okay, but—do they actually have a pornstar theme park?”

Asahi spluttered at Cherry’s question, nearly choking on his drink as his face turned beet red at the blunt remark. “I’m sorry—I—what?” he asked, his voice hoarse as he tried to recover.

Even Briar watched in curiosity as Cherry stared unblinkingly at him. “Do they have a pornstar theme park?” she asked again. “I hear about it online occasionally, is this really a thing?” then, she thought it over again, seemingly remembering the alternate universe aspect of their motley group. “Or, well, is it a thing in your Japan?”

Asahi gave her a careful look, ears burning as he quickly looked away. “If you’re thinking of something like Universal Studios or Disney, then no. But… we got SOD land in Kabukichō. I’ve… never been there myself, but it’s a… probably closest to what you’re imagining?”

“Huh, that’s rather interesting,” Briar said, to his continued humiliation. “I can’t imagine something like that forming in my world. People are rather satisfied with just having brothels, but a sex-themed park is… it’s something.”

“I wonder what it’s like in there,” Cherry laughed.

Asahi smacked her on the arm. “No, you don’t,” he snapped. “You’re way too young to even go near that place!”

“Hey, it’s not like I’m twelve. I’m old enough to at least wonder about these places,” Cherry snapped back, sticking her tongue out at him. “You’re just being a prude. I’m sure you’d love to go in there but are just too embarrassed to admit it.”

Making a strangled sound, Asahi’s face turned even darker. Words could not describe how thankful he was when the lights dimmed and the screen glowed. The story resuming provided an escape from the current topic and the humiliation he talking about it.

tanks too th poples who lick mi storry!

Asahi made a face, “That sounds unsanitary,” he commented, holding up his refilled cup of soda and pointing it to the screen. “Don’t lick stories. You don’t know where they’ve been and you can get sick.”

“What would that even taste like?” Cherry asked.

“Like narcissism and glue.”

but everone else i am anger!!!11 add sense yu al thenk tere iss a cracter called Mary Sue i mad on!! me had blem-kuns hep t make herr exdra dum

Humming, Briar continued to pick at his nails with the tip of his knife. “Well, she can’t be worse than the characters already thrown at us,” he dismissed. “We’ve already read Rebecca Swansin, and I don’t think it’s possible to make a character worse than her.”

Cherry reached across Asahi, nearly nocking his popcorn from his lap so she could grab the Huntsman, “Don’t challenge her!” she hissed, giving him a shake that caused his knife to slip. Small beads of blood began to swell on the tip of his finger, though neither paid it any mind. “These authors reach rock bottom, an then they take out the drill!”

Rolling his eyes, Briar carefully pushed Cherry away so that Asahi could wrestle her back into her seat. “I am confident that nothing can be worse than Rebecca Swansin. At least not in this story.”

99*8

o nooooooo! wii mist tell Fire Hokagate Sonady immediatly! Emeradlia gassed

“I suggest you lay off the beans,” Asahi suggested, wrinkling his nose.

yos it is the ownly way to safe the ninjers Dye absorbed

Ill go tack to Sonad! Emeraldia decidered

“Are we ever going to know just what it is she needs to tell Sue-Nadia?” Briar asked, voice laced with sarcasm as he reached over to steal a napkin from Asahi so he could wipe the smear of blood from his finger.

Cherry chuckled and shook her head, “Course not. Gotta keep it a secret,” she answered, roling her eyes. “Why? Cause not even the author knows yet.”

Befour Emeradlia could gow to Fire Hokogo TowARR she sawed anoter Emeralia!!!!! Nooopooooooo!

‘Yesh I am Oval Emradlia and my only wash is to DESTROY DESTROY DESTROY!’ the bad persom evilly revieled. She smoshed to show shi was Sirius.

“No, no, no,” Cherry cut in, shaking her head, placing one hand on his shoulder and pointing with her other to the screen. “This isn’t an evil twin, see? She’s Sirius. So this is just addin’ Harry Potter to the meltin’ pot of crossovers.”

That only got him to groan, “That doesn’t make it better! I thought we were done with stupid wizards!”

“Ur are just a fake copee of mee who is fake ad not rail!’ Emeraldlia retarted. Emgeradlia blue up seven buldings ad forty tow peoplers an shoed she was the better than Eville Emeradlia.

Briar scoffed, “Causing more property damage and casualties does not mean you’re better.”

U may be stanger then me butt I am a servant of Apaolo Justache! Dark Embradla sayed.

Oh no. Dye saided this becose he wasent expecting a sorvance of Alps Justoct to shoe up this quackly.

“You need to watch out for those lawyers and their assistants,” Asahi warned, pulling his popcorn out of Cherry’s reach once again, “They’ll bleed you dry and laugh while doing so.”

Suddedlee somebuddy punched Evillain Emradius in the fase. It as Punch Jewtsue!!! yayay!!

Itt was Kanruto. he used art off the Puppet Show to destruct Bad Emrad wyle Garma yused art ov the Sandman to blew up Evil Emradla 4ever!1

Briar raised a brow, “So… death is meaningless in this story,” he said, and shook his head with a sigh. “We already knew this, but it is still infuriating all the same.”

after Garuman dyed my love of Embradlia was the ownly thong that keeped me going1 Cancurse telled everone.

Asahi rolled his eyes, “Yeah. Love,” he said with a sarcastic drawl, “It’s not like you were trying to kill her after she killed your bro or anything.”

‘I miss my sad cattle but now i must protract Konohahahaha! Rawred Guren. I am a man! I am the herpes of Konhoha1’

“I miss the sand cattle too, but please stay away from me,” Cherry remarked.

Nodding his head, Asahi made a face of discomfort, “Yeah, being the Herpes of Konoha is not something you should be proud about.”

Emrake runned two Fire Hokage Toher. it was in runes. ‘Wut happen/’ ask Emweradlia.

‘Danzox usef a tractor beam to plow the tower. Mello telled Emeradlia.

“Tractor beam?” Asahi asked, but then settled back down, “You know what? I’m not even surprised anymore.”

“Does it shoot tractors?” Cherry there, asking the real question. “Cause that is the only way that this will be cool. We got squid cannons, now sling some tractors, too.”

‘I did it becuz Im really really rilly evil!’ Danzo sayed. Danzo was on the rofe of Kurosaki clinic, home of Bleachman.

There was a collective groan from the trio at yet another crossover.

“If she’d just left out the ‘home of Bleachman’ bit, I coulda made a stupid joke about Asahi havin’ a clinic,” Cherry complained, as if this was the greatest mistake that could have been made.

Asahi, for his part, looked wholly unimpressed.

‘Danzo dude u r sew totally cool. radical no ur radicool witch is radical and cool. Wicked’ Darkeye the legendairy evil shinbobby said that He must have bin strong pluss bad becuz he hatd a litesaber sword he stood o Aladins house of wunderr

“Fuck,” Cherry continued with a groan. “He’s draggin’ Disney into this? What is this, Aladdin’s summer home?”

Ohno Darkeye and Danzone have temed up to unbeatable! th Teenedge Mutont Ninja Turtles yelled like sumbuddy yelling

“Turtles? Teenaged? Mutant?” Briar asked, screwing his face up, “What is even going on? What is she talking about?”

Asahi shook his head, “I know who they are, but I’m just as confused as you are on why the turtles are here.”

‘no we havent teamed upp but we are goint too sea a movie togetter1’ Dansode laffed. ‘ad that movie is called HOW TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!’

“Saw it. It was awful,” Asahi snarked, crossing his arms over his chest. “Ten minutes of opening narration. Forty minutes of just standing around while a guy gave a dry monologue and only ten minutes of actual action and movement. Zero stars, would not recommend.”

‘That moovie stars Gorge Cloney and Robird Downey and Meryl Steep and Sandra Bully and Adamn Sandlar and Adolf Hitler!’ Twilit Sparkle said.

‘We must stop the movie said Capton Crunch.

‘We cant the pope is goin to see the movee ad he will declare Holey War iff we stop it !Bleachman sad.

Briar sighed, running a hand through stray strands of hair, pushing them off his face, “I’m just… not going to question the sudden arrivals of all these new characters. It will be less painful that way.”

“We must blew up the theaton Emerad planned. Then kilt the Acatiosuki.

[‘God plan, R Teach sayed.

Then Emradla sawed Sonacki.

‘Ho doo I stoppost Apallama Juicetoast? Emrandia assed.

“Is Apollo Justice going to be the final boss?” Asahi asked, raising a brow as he stared at the screen with some mild interest. “That’d be… kind of cool, actually, if he is. I wouldn’t be against that kind of randomness.”

Cherry nodded eagerly, “It’d be a twist. Like, I’ll hate it on principle alone, but it’d be a funny twist.”

‘Go to Burger Kong the hideoff of Apol Justi and him crimonal gang’ Snadi sad like a Hokagy. ‘I wall help u.’ Then Sunoti saw passports to golf. ‘I cont help you.’

“Well,” Cherry nodded, “Girl knows her priorities, I can respect that.”

“I’d choose golf over Brightmoon any day, and I hate golf,” Asahi agreed, nodding his head.

***8f

Menwhale in the layer of Antosoccer.

Conan wet into Madrays rum.

“Well, his rum is going to have a bit of extra flavor to it,” Briar mused, “I suppose the barbarian is there to be more inclusive. They might get called out for favoritism if they only hire ninjas.”

Konat did you invader Konha yet Matara said.

Matria was on a table wit his secretori Pam.

‘I cant they’res a HoBare in the way!’ Konan teared.

“HoBear is a serious threat,” Asahi nodded. “Second only to the Menwhale in how dangerous it is.”

Madara facepalmed.

“Mood!” Cherry yelled.

hee was fasing her now. ‘Pam get Kissam to killslay the ber.

Kissammy is inn Ninja Hawai Pam telled them all.

Moooooo! scremed Konen. I wet to al dat truble to get Full meal Alcmust and Iron mann and the otters.

“I’m not sure how well otters compare to Edward and Iron Man,” Briar pointed out. “They’re… otters.”

Asahi grabbed him by the shirt, “Don’t underestimate otters. They are better than Elric and Stark combined.”

‘it true! Yelled Tom Henks! I killed Santa!

‘I doo have a report about Knoha. Konman hadded the report to Madarren.

Xemnas red the report. ‘U can still inved! He sayed. Attack Wotty Bridge!

Gasb! Shuck~

*87^

Cherry shrugged, hardly upset by the plan to attack the bridge. “I mean, we all called it,” she pointed out, leaning back in her seat. “We all knew the bridge was gonna get destroyed at some point, so is anyone really surprised?”

Menwhale bak at Ninjatown.

“Ninjatown, neighboring community to Hidan Beef Village,” Asahi said, looking around for paper before shaking his head, “Someone should get a map made up for this mess.”

(AN: Reders this is wen Maary Sue shues up! I head Blomu-Kun hep me make her stooped)

Briar rolled his eyes. “I’m certainly not looking forward to this,” he said, then shrugged, “Though, she can’t be worse than Emeraldia. The bar is set low.”

Emeradlia went into herr huse of Nina. Emradla’s stupido sister Mary Sue was doin homewok.

‘Mary Sue I had am adventur1 Emradlia sayed. I killedead Garat the Sand Hokogo and Im gona fite Aplo Juster!’

Asahi scowled, “Yeah, for no real reason did you kill him, too,” he muttered, still upset over that, apparently. “Maybe you should go and confess to murdering Might Guy, too, while you’re at it.”

“Nah, she doesn’t even remember killin’ him,” Cherry said, shaking her head.

Mary Sue rolled her eyes. “I’m not sure which is worse, your pathological desire to slaughter everyone you meet, or the fact the people still call you kawaii in spite of it,” she muttered.

Emrackli ignered her rudd sister and cotinued ‘did you fed Jeff my loin?’

There was a brief silence that filled the theater in response to that, the only sound audible being the shift of fabric or the shift of a skateboard wheel as they stared, each trying to collect their thoughts and shake off the sudden slap in the face reminder of The Chronicles of Rebecca Swansin and it’s iconic thirty-third chapter, the jump in quality that Yamama had blessed them with.

Only this wasn’t a chapter written by Yamama, this wasn’t even a whole chapter of a quality read. It was storytelling whiplash.

“Wow,” Asahi whispered, breaking that silence as he slowly shook his head, his tone not quite defeated, but exhausted all the same. “Well, this cements this story as a troll fic in my opinion, not that there hadn’t been rather damning proof already.”

Cherry began laughing, first a soft chuckle that grew into an unstable cackle, “I love Mary,” she decided with a finality in her voice layered under laughter. “It’s only been one paragraph an’ I am in love with her. She is the best character here.”

Reaching over, Asahi gave her a light tug on a pigtail, “You’re only saying that because she’s the only normal one so far.”

“Yes, I am,” she confirmed, swatting his hand away. “An’ if anything happens to her, I will commit felonies.”

Mary Sue sighed as she continued to do her homework. “No, I did not feed your lion,” she replied, struggling to keep calm. “Lions are not pets. They are dangerous animals, and I don’t want to lose a limb because you were stupid enough to adopt one.”

“She speaks the truth. Lions are not domesticated creatures,” Briar agreed with a tilt of his head, “They might play nice now and then, but they will just as quickly hurt you.”

Emralia culdnt belev er sistron. ‘Jefff wood neber hert me!’ she yilled.

“I can only hope that Brightmoon is wrong on this,” Asahi groaned.

Laughing, Cherry leaned forward, “Best way this story can end? Jeff killin’ her!”

“Yes, but I’m not you, am I?” questioned Mary Sue, who was filled with anger. “You could walk up to the Akatsuki leader and he would immediately start calling you his dream princess. I’m an ordinary person, and probably the only one in this town!

“You are,” Asahi confirmed, nodding his head with a soft smile on his face. “We love and adore you for the normalcy you provide in this asinine story.”

However, Cherry’s own smile fell as a look of horror took over, “Oh, fuck,” she hissed, hunching over to stare at the ground, grabbing her hair by the pigtails yet again. “Please, please don’t let this be foreshadowin’ for what’s gonna happen later on.”

Briar groaned, dragging a hand down his face, “I don’t even want to think of that happening.”

Honestly, when I graduate from Ninja Academy I’m moving to a place where the people have sense!” Mary Sue stormed out of the kitchen and into her room, slamming the door behind her.

Lowering his hand, Briar eyed the screen and then gave a small nod. “I respect that,” he said. “Find your own way and your own life once you are free from this pit of insanity.”

Emeradlia made mad. she gott a sandwoch ad lift her huse. The tim hadd com to go to Burger Kong and stup Aplio Joestace.

Chuckling, Cherry raised her head to look at the screen, “Still can’t get over the fact that Apollo Justice hangs out at a Burger King of all things,” she said with a snort. “Of all the places to make your evil lair—why Burger King?”

Too beak otinued……..

Hillo kinde fanse!!11! I hard aboot confusion regourding Mary Tsue in the lost chap BUT SHIE wassenot writed by me beouse blum-kin dit it for mii!!!!

“That explains why the quality of the story improves substantially whenever she speaks,” Asahi said with a hum. “That is if this isn’t a troll fic and the author instead was being trolled, as marginally small a chance that is.”

Cherry shook her head, “Boo!” she complained. “Let her write the whole story for ya! It’d be readable an’ enjoyable then!”

And sum gai namd Tiv Tropes made a moovie orr sumthing about this with Shane Dawnsun as Thanatos

Sinking into her seat, Cherry crossed her arms over her chest. “Fuck that guy!” she complained loudly. “He’s an absolute creep, an’ it’s like he’s gotta make his snaps as gross as possible with his fuckin’ fart kink he throws in everyone’s face! It’s like the dude gets off on makin’ people as uncomfortable as possible with ‘im!”

Slowly, Briar looked to Asahi with a silent question, confused as always. But Asahi only shrugged, “I’ve no idea who that guy is,” he answered.

Instantly, Cherry whipped her head around to look at the boys, “You don’t?” she said, brows knitting up in sympathy. “Oh, fuck, you have no idea just how lucky you are,” then after another pause, she continued. “He’s a creep who’s constantly horny on main for farts, an’ constantly looks like a sex offender about to stalk a kindergartener. It’s disgustin’.”

The boys just nodded, deciding it was better to not engage on that topic any more than needed.

butt i shud nut be saying about thantos becos hee isint in it yet. but yu cann make luts of theries abot Thenatos…. end mi story is god so i rite it fore u

“I better not see Thanos or Thanatos in this story, or so help me, God,” Asahi gritted out, crossing his arms over his chest.

Cherry sighed, “With all the crossovers already forced in here, I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw both.”

chAptrio Nien Crimnail Udderworld!1!

“Excuse me,” Briar began, “but could you repeat that in Common, please?”

‘till me wear Apalca Joostoo is1’” emraclion shooted at the Noose Squid butt it waas a squad su it grined at her squidly

Rademlia wis warring a blew skirt wiht green pantos ad a red sahs. it fultered in da WIND skura flour cherriews fell fom her..!

Asahi shrugged, “I never understood the appeal of sakura petals falling around a character,” he mused.

“Same,” Cherry nodded.

Silvotte heiled Emeraldia ‘Quene Kawaii no desu!

Briar’s face twitched, “You don’t just become a queen like that,” he complained. “That’s not how any of it works.”

“But she’s just so beautiful an’ lovable,” Cherry said, leaning over onto Asahi, “of course she’s gotta be a queen.”

Reign felled from cleer skies ass Sundae fir hokag bribed Squid Infromatt with anonter sanwitch squid giggled wen Neji poked him

Groaning, Asahi shrugged Cherry off and stared at the ceiling, “Is this almost over?” he asked, “It’s just so… boring.”

Letss threw him two the hounds ‘prepostered emeradlea.

‘Nooooo!!’ confussed squido’ hell tock he’ll toc’k

Negii did eyegun too undwo the kunai ad kissed tunge

“Alpacin Jushtace is hiss hide in secret Kornoha undere the rael Konaha. Hiss hiss hiss hiss hiss sqiud ated anofer sandwitch..? Under Konora iss bad ad mean ad evil ad filed with badmean villian gays. gud guys die

“As always, we can only hope that they die,” Cherry hummed.

Asahi shook his head, “But beware, wishful thinking leads to soul-crushing disappointment.”

they sawed a elivator btu it wasp aganest the law so tey did not go in

Briar frowned, struggling to understand, “Using an elevator is illegal?” he questioned, looking around, “what kind of laws are these?”

“The convenient ones,” Asahi answered.

Random Man sayed the stares were woking so they went accept fore Silvette becuz shi needed to taost the toaster.

Cherry nodded her head in approval. “Nice excuse,” she commended. “Girl just didn’t wanna be involved in this insanity any longer than needed. I don’t blame her, I’d wanna take the first change I got to get out, no matter how dumb the excuse.”

“So…” Briar began in a thoughtful tone as he brought a hand to cover his mouth, “by toast the toaster, does she mean to make toast in her toaster? Or is she going to set her toaster on fire so it, itself, is toasted?”

Asahi shrugged, “Knowing the insanity of this story thus far? It’s a coin toss between the two.”

But then Danzon was up the stair wars!!!! Mello juped off the ceeling wal to the sky and sayed, “No Emeradlia you save the unverse!!!! I kill Denzo1

“So, now the universe is at stake?” Asahi asked and rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms over his chest, unimpressed by the risks involved now. “I say let the universe die. It’s better for everyone that way.”

“Should be easy for Mello to kill Danzo,” Cherry added. “He has the Death Note.”

Emeradel was supper nice ad she letted Nejio and Snunate goo don first. was Emeratlia descinded upwords she yilled I lofe you!!!11!!

“Such a nice thing to do sending people ahead of you instead of going in first yourself,” Briar said, his tone sarcastic as he frowned. “Such a cowardly, craven thing to do.”

“Not to mention they’re going down, and she’s ‘descending upward’,” Asahi said, pointing down and then up as he spoke. “Are they even going the same way? ‘Descending’ and ‘Upward’ kind of contradict each other, too, so is she going up, or is she going down?”

Briar shrugged, having no answer to that.

Emeradlia shoed up in eval kornaho tonw city/! The floor was feak lik the moon but the evil moon smelled at her.

Cherry frowned, “I’m gettin’ Soul Eater vibes comin’ from a smilin’ moon.”

‘Good thing i dident get darknise inn my eye becourse then I wooden se to see where i was goin!!!!111!! commeteed Emeradet.

“That’s not how darkness works,” Briar muttered.

Asahi shrugged, “Don’t tell her that,” he said. “Let her freak out about how there is ‘darkness in her eye’, like she’s got a fake eyelash poking her eye.”

Neji runned up at her but it was his evil tewin Nejiman! Emradlo knewed he was fatt becoz he didn’t exorcise enuff.

“Wow,” Cherry grumbled, scowling at the screen as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Body shaming? Not cool.”

i thot I killed yhu to the maxidead califronya1!’ exclamed Nejif as he threwed heads at Nejiman.

“I have many, many questions about where he’s acquired the heads he’s throwing at his evil twin,” Briar muttered.

Cackling, Cherry side-eyed him and grinned, “Do ya really wanna know where he got them? It probs ain’t a fun, cheerful tale.”

‘i dont care and noter shud yu’ salted The Nejiman. Sunate had goned to a Five Hocage Summet sew Neji and Emrallia had to fight the Nejiman.

‘I kill Wooty Bridge ad den the econmiy well colaps! Tanted Nejimon.

“Oh, no,” Cherry said, placing a hand to her chest as she raised the pitch of her tone for mockery’s sake. “Not the economy. Anything but that.”

“Destroying the economy is a serious issue, though,” Asahi pointed out, frowning at her.

Unaffected, Cherry shrugged, “If it’s destroyed then we can go back to a barter system. That’d be better. I mean, just imagine; being able to go to the store an pay for all ya need by trading shit.”

“Ah,” Asahi hummed, and relaxed. “Yeah, that’d be preferable. There’s still a good number of issues that would come up, but I can see the positives.”

He got in a drove ond Bleach blowed hisself up too blow up Negiman but hed blowed up the panda by mistake.

“Where did the panda come from?” Briar asked.

“Jujutsu Kaisen,” Cherry answered immediately. “Unfortunately, he’s a random crossover character destined to die.”

“What a monster,” Asahi frowned.

Emradlia neji ad me cryed ass my bestest fiend died.

"Was wondering when we’d switch to the “I” and “Me” and “My”," Asahi mused, tilting his head as he read the text, not surprised at all that it inevitable went to first person. "Can’t even keep herself out of the story."

Neji had abdorbed to muche Chakrios sew he gruw wangs and flied off ito the sunset.

“Weird,” Cherry hummed, “but good for him. Be free, Neji.”

Emeraldia ranned up into the Ramen Evil Shope ad she see Kakruzu and Iruka watcing Tv togeater .

a evil gy in a cloak of evil ad wearing a mosque put ot sum ramen bowl.

Asahi leaned forward, spluttering a little as he tried to make sense of it all. “How do you wear a mosque?” he demanded, trying to just imagine the image, and it only served to be even more confusing for him.

“Very, very, very carefully, that’s how,” Cherry answered, patting him on the back and wearing a twisted grin. “It’s like a hat, mixed with the ultimate balancin’ powers an’ neck strength.”

‘Im not etting that’ say Emeraldia

‘Niece to met you Im Madrara!!!1! evilman sayed

Oh no ur the bad man wu wated to take ober the whorld!!! Revealed Emeraltia

Briar rolled his eyes, “Well, that couldn’t have been more obvious.”

“Right now, he’s less of ‘wantin’ to take over the world’ kind of bad, an’ more like ‘mosquito level of annoyin’,” Cherry admitted. “So, I ain’t to worried about him.”

‘No the whorld sux I dont wsant to have to runn it!’ paced madrio.

“Honestly? That’s fair. The world sucks big time,” Asahi agreed while Cherry nodded her head muttering ‘Mood.’

“I gatored the five most evilest bad dudes in mine plantet!!! Wii will get the five seels used lung ago by the Stage of Sick Paths tpo stop Ninja God Empror Mike!1 Win we no-seal Mike the mike will shoe his gratitud and ed the word!!!1!! violins will win beost heroes did unwin!!1!

Briar groaned, running a hand down his face and narrowing his eyes. “There are so many things wrong with that paragraph,” he muttered, before finishing in a sigh and shaking his head in defeat. “But, I suppose if nothing else, I can respect the spirit behind it all.”

Emrodeo tied shooting the sky but a Madara was too quack. hands fum the flor graped her ad pulled her up.

‘For off them fife evilos arrr me the Madrar and Apolso Justin and Darkeye ad Danzom!!1 the udder is a sceret!

“Let me guess,” Asahi grumped, rolling his eyes as he spoke, “It’s Brightmoon.”

“We wish,” Cherry sighed, then frowned and a look of apprehension crossed her face. “Actually, I can see that happenin. Has this all become so predictable that her being the secret ‘fifth evil’ is expected?”

Xemnas ad his mother Shuzune woked inn,. ‘Tune Emraxk ito Rame becost Xemnas is a hugry boi!’ Shizun suigetsued

Asahi raised a brow, “So, Kingdom Hearts is getting dragged through the mud, too?” he asked, “I mean, with how popular it is, I shouldn’t be surprised, but it is still annoying.”

“What’s more? More cannibalism,” Briar added with faux cheer. “How fun.”

Narutona had bean in Xemnas clock so he stab madara!1 ‘Go safe the lad Emeraldia1’ Xemnas yell at

Emeratli leapded att the taxi beard mann of the streat.

“Whatcha got against taxis and beards?” Cherry demanded, crossing her arms over her chest. “Beards are cool. I’d love to have an awesome beard if genetics would let me.”

Asahi shrugged, “She’s got a lot of beef, apparently. Also, I forgot Naruto was in this story.”

“For him being the main character of the show, he’s surprisingly forgettable in the story,” Briar mused.

‘Were is ther Apollio Justone!!!’’

‘i AM Apaul Justick!’ the seed said

“No, Apaul, you misheard,” Asahi said, shaking his head at the story. “They’re looking for Apollio Justone, not you. You just have to wait your turn, people will come after you eventually, but you can’t take someone else’s enemies.”

He rapped off Emeratela white dres

Briar closed his eyes and folded his hands together on his lap as he muttered a quiet prayer to his Gods. “Please, please don’t let it take a turn for the sexual. We suffered enough of that sort of content with Rebecca Swansin.”

ad stabbed hiss Giga Swerd ito her bak seal.

Briar opening his eyes, the Huntsman let out a relieved sigh, “Ah, thank the Gods.”

“Sorry, sorry, back seal?” Cherry asked, waving her hands to stop it and take a step back as realization hit. “Oh sweet god, is she a jinchuriki, too? No, of course she is, it’s a Naruto Mary Sue, she’s gotta have a demon in her.”

“I’m more surprised it took this long for that to happen,” Asahi confessed with a shrug.

Emeraldia growed oldered ad morr powful Emratlo was twenti ad relly prettify

“She’s twenty?” Briar asked, trying to make sense of everything. “But she only just passed the genin exam? That is honestly more a nod of her own incompetence than anything, that she passed an exam twelve-year-old’s do regularly.”

“She’s also dating characters who are either twelve or sixteen depending on whether this is supposed to take place in part one or part two of the series,” Asahi added with a grimace.

Thin lost memories cam bock to herr!!!11 “Noooooooooonnn!’ holwed her/ Im a too kawaii everone relies on meee! Butt I slayed nine tiled fax a minuet too late and Minater died!!!1 Is me folt Naruto had a hard line!

Cherry let out a series of boo’s as Asahi sank his head into his hands. “I’m trying to do the mental math of how old she must have been when she ‘slayed’ Karuma, and how much older she is than Naruto, her supposed boyfriend, and it’s just making my head hurt.”

“What’s important is that we now know she is a criminal for datin’ an underage teenage boy,” Cherry said, patting him on the back. “An’ that’s on top of her being a serial killer.”

‘Its is too latte fore kawaii to shave you,’answeared Ape Justice.

“And now he’s an ape,” Briar said, pinching the bridge of his nose. Just how many more bastardizations of the name Apollo Justice were they going to go through before this story was done? He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to that question.

Cherry snickered a little, “Technically, aren’t we all?” she asked, drawing the Huntsman’s gaze to her.

“…No?” Briar said slowly as he turned to stare at her, brows knitted together, trying to understand why she’d imply they were apes. “Apes are animals. You and Asahi are human. There’s no ‘technicality’ about being two separate species.”

Asahi turned in his seat, raising a brow at Briar as he regarded the man carefully. “Makiir, you do know about evolution, right?”

“Of course,” Briar answered, giving an irritated huff at the concept that he might not know something as basic as that. “Monsters frequently evolve to become stronger and harder to hunt, from growing tougher hides or developing venomous glands, and the Huntsmen go through manufactured evolution to counteract these, gaining stronger resistances to poisons and greater strength.”

Cherry was nodding, though he doubted she truly understood the way evolutions worked in the never-ending cycle that was the hunt. “And sometimes creatures evolve into different creatures. Like how dinosaurs turned into chickens after thousands of years, an’ how apes evolved into humans.”

Briar regarded the two carefully, mouth turning into a frown, “I do not appreciate you trying to trick me like this,” he said. Sure, there were times when a monster evolved and created a new subset of that species. But that was always what it was, a subset. Kobolds were a subset of lizardfolks. Hobgoblins were a subset of goblins and so on. But a human evolving from an ape? Preposterous! It made no sense, and the theater’s strange omnipotence granting powers were providing nothing to either confirm or disprove such a claim. This must have been some kind of inside joke that the two were trying to see if he was gullible enough to believe. It was frustrating. “I’m not so foolish as to believe something as asinine as that.”

He turned back to the screen, ignoring the look of disbelief on his companions faces.

Emeraldia’s doubt felled her into a kawaii koma.

Slowly tearing his gaze from Briar, Asahi looked over the text and let his mouth curl into a wishful smile. “And she’s to never wake again,” he said, before shaking his head. “If only.”

Apol Jus pickeled her up. Por sadd emradta cud stay in hiss house util she waked up .

Cherry puffed out her cheeks. “Awfully nice of the villain,” she mused.

“And very lax security measures,” Briar added with a disapproving frown. “Keep her in a cell. At least then, should she wake up, she won’t have free reign to attack and escape.”

To be COWTINUED?? I hop so!

“I hope not,” Asahi countered.

Pour emrald I fee like creing

i watted to putt Thanatos ito this chopter but ma cozin was watcing TV

Cherry frowned, thinking it over, tossing it about in her head for a few seconds as she tried to understand the logic the author was running on. “How does your cousin watchin’ TV affect how ya write? That makes no sense.”

“She is just seeking out any excuse she can find, no matter how inane it is, to justify her decisions and writing inadequacies,” Briar explained.

me Bloom-kud and me ar grow a bonsai tree in mi room. It very pretty

“That poor tree, she’s going to mutilate it” Asahi tsked, shaking his head in disapproval. I give it a week before she manages to kill it.”

I LOVE YOU sea yow sone

ojay goias surry but da MENNY hed at this sit tacoed my stirry doon. bloom-kun is niece tho ad she lett me putt it bak up

this chapto iss big baddle beteen Acariosuit and Ninje House

“So, what you’re saying in your nearly indecipherable note is that this chapter is going to be a confusing, convoluted mess that will be difficult to follow, hurt the brain to decipher, and just make absolutely no sense in the long run,” Briar said with a nod of certainty.

Cherry leaned back in her chair, drawing her legs up to tuck under her chin. “I’m bettin’ that the dead will be returnin’ to fight without any explanation on how they’re not dead anymore.”

chptero tin feke ninjers onn Wooty Brigde

Sasu was doin da run. he runned acuss Wooty brudge on his monocycle duck

“A motorcycle duck?” Asahi asked, before thinking it over and giving a hum. “That actually sounds intriguing. Absolutely stupid. But interesting.”

‘y dough i half tobi so pretty uchina. Saz wanked his werds becuz he was so cool he froze popple heads

“You’re actually not all that attractive,” Briar said, breaking the ‘tragic’ news to him.

Cherry nodded in agreement. “He really isn’t,” she said. “I think most of his appeal came from middle school girls being in love with the edgy ‘emo’ characters who need an’ refuse therapy. The toxic bad boys, ya know? For some reason those types of characters are chick magnets.”

Sasute wad sadfaceman becoso he was so so so sono pretty dat al the cops cased afro hime. Hee dudent want too be pretty it wan a curze.

“You have a literal curse,” Asahi reminded with a frustrated groan. “But, sure. Your supposed ‘beauty’ is the real curse and why everyone is after you. Because that isn’t absolute bullshit.”

Orochimaru hadd givun him all 3.14 tatoes ad he had kalled the sake man 42 tims

“I’m pretty sure that’s why the cops are after ya,” Cherry pointed out with a frown. “I know Emeraldia makes it seem like it’s not, but murder is a crime.”

“That 3.14 tattoos, bit,” Briar pointed out. “Does he just have .14 of a tattoo finished?”

“The artist only got a part of the line art done before ditching,” Asahi said, nodding.

Juice thin Nejiman appaired!1 hehadno dyed he had ben cent to DA HUGGER JAMES! dogniss ha burked att his but hehad escraped

“ii wool slay you murduder’ preclared the Kekishi ‘u killdude my best fred Mite Jive!!!!1

Cherry groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Everyone’s pointin’ fingers at everyone over who killed him, while ignorin’ that Emeraldia killed him an’ left him at her own doorstep.” She complained. “How stupid are they?”

“nooo’ sassuman watted to yell but Tom Henks slaped him in face.

“The only good thing Tom has done so far,” Asahi said.

“It’s hilarious imagining Sasuke bitch slapped by Tom Hanks,” Cherry added with a chuckle.

seow instood he yilled loodly ‘i dud nut kill Mate Goo/ the is a sommit of all hokayges tl sea hoo did deadkill him’

Briar frowned, rolling his eyes, and crossing his arms over his chest as he adjusted his seating. “At this point I will genuinely be surprised if they ever realize it was Emeraldia. She could outright confess to the crime, and they’d still be going ‘who killed him?’ and running around in confusion.”

noo waigh sayed Dakash. ‘oznad telled mii the killa of Mate Glaze wood be at Wooty Bridge’

Sauce was Surelick Homes so he buggered out da crim of evale ninejas.

Asahi shuddered, shaking his head, “Surelick Homes… I feel sorry for anyone given that unfortunate name.”

‘Oznad is Danzho is disguyze!’ he realezed

“No. Shit,” Cherry muttered, tugging on one of her pigtails. “It’s like Alucard all over again. So not obvious.”

‘BUT he hoed a moostache” deflamed kakakashi

‘U were tricked like an animale’ say Nejiman

“Now that’s just offensive to animals,” Briar chided, shaking his head. “They would have seen through such a sad trick immediately.”

no triks ‘Tom Henks’ saze

“Mating Guy kiled buy…

…

After a few more moments of an unnecessarily prolongued silence, Cherry held a hand out and did a light roll of her wrist in a ‘go on’ motion. “Are ya gonna go anywhere with this, or is it just gonna be weird silence from now on?” she asked.

evil papples!

“There we go,” she said, dropping her hand back on her lap once the awkward silence was done.

Asahi frowned, tilting his head to the side, “Evil papples killed him? What the hell is a papple?” he asked, not that anyone had an answer for him.

Wooty Bridge pilled uff its maks.. it wad Acutosuke in dres-up!

Cornan hat alerad killed da bridge. Hnow all of team evil where attacking everman by falling into water

“Water is…effective,” Briar said, raising a brow and letting the uncertainty show in his voice. “I guess? But also, how is a bridge… also an Akatsuki member? It’s a bridge. It’s not… why can’t anything in this make sense?” he questioned, dropping his head into his hands.

but Vegeat mad a Narotto bridge so dey were OKt

Xenmas rided a tree dat turred invisble. he maf it unseeable to stope Kashis power,

“Good luck with that. Trees ain’t exactly viable steeds,” Cherry pointed out, but her lips were curled into a smile at the thought of them being used as horses and just how useless they would be.

“But,” Asahi pointed to the screen. “He has a tree that turned invisible. So obviously it’s better than the others.”

Xremus culdent see his tree so he falled ito watter and die

Sighing, Briar looked away from the screen. “I can’t watch. The second-hand humiliation is just too much.”

Osher Bosher stole Sasuke’s jong.

Kronan evilled at everone.

Ted firered tank oot off his tank ad it runned at Link.

Fullmeal Alcumust wast usliss

Asahi actually leapt to his feet at that one, glaring at the screen and readying a book to throw, “Take that back!” he yelled, as if the author could hear him. “Edward is one of the best fighters in this mess!”

“He’s far from useless!” Cherry agreed, looking absolutely scandalized from the implication that Edward was anything but top-tier.

Pines sick paffs cheked themsef ito hopsital wear Dr. Mace Widu slayed dem.

“Mace Windu ain’t a doctor,” Cherry said, settling back down, though she was still glaring at the screen. “I mean, it’d be interestin’ if he was, but he’s not.”

Den nooest Akatosoki mebbers rapiered! Da Squertle Squd!

‘Wii cannibullized teenedge mutant Ningray Tuttles’ ate head Squirrlet

“This isn’t even a ‘ninja’ fight,” Briar muttered, staring at the screen in utter disappointment at the result of this supposed ninja war. “This is her throwing random characters from different forms of medias at each other with no regard for sensibility, coherency, or proper characterization.”

Asahi sighed, rubbing his temples, “I feel like I’m having an aneurysm with each paragraph I read.”

His water droped Saucekay ito da toxsic waist

“Fun,” Cherry grinned. “Now he can die, like he was always meant to.”

Saksue love of Ermaldia turred ito a raft ad it wafted himm to stafety

Her grin turned into a frown as she groaned, “Oh, you’ve gotta be kiddin’ me!” Cherry complained loudly. “Just let the emo boy die!”

“The power of love always win, but man do I hate it right now,” Asahi muttered.

“I wove Ermerlady moore!’ protestanted Shinno.

Skuse smirked.

‘Emeradlia wont loaf you if ur evil!!1!

Sauceman used turn shinno evil justu.

Briar shook his head, “As if there was truly any magic to just turn someone evil at will,” he scoffed at the very idea of such magic. “The world would be in utter chaos and ruin if it were.”

‘ Ewe wille Bee Hitler!

A jiant Hitrel face ated Shinnoe!

“Let’s not bring him in this,” Asahi said immediately, blanching at the idea of that guy joining the story. “Just… do not bring him in. I don’t care if you bring in fucking God. Just not him.”

Cherry nodded her head quickly, “No one likes him. Don’t add him to the story. We don’t need more reasons to be angry.”

Nhow it was tmi for Sastuke to fid thy Ninja Vikkings

*8*

Samrai rob bot Mace Wendu wass stating the Zambie Apoclips butt Dadera had no cares he too bussy gravy-robbing

“Someone has to get the corpses out of the ground so they can attack people,” Asahi pointed out with a shrug. “’Dadera’ is just doing the dirty, but necessary work no one else wants to do.”

Out of tomb he pulled hat! Perfect for orifice he worked at.

Cherry made a face like she was about to be sick. “I really don’t wanna know which orifice he works in,” she muttered.

“It’s the mouth,” Asahi said, ignoring her comment and telling her anyway. “I mean, it only makes sense with all the mouths he has on him.”

Den Nijesus came from sky! His motorboat kyled the died mens.

‘IM FUKKIN JEZEUS AND YOU WILL FACE MY JODGEMENT OF DOOM1” snarted Jezos

Lanfear shat itself.

“Understandable. Most people would shit themselves if some divine being descended upon them from the skies just to scream,” Briar said, nodding his head and then looking to Asahi with a slight grin. “It’s not God, but you got His son, so close enough, I suppose.”

Asahi rolled his eyes, but he had a small smirk at the remark. “Honestly at this point I would just ask him to go ahead and smite me.”

Tiob canatinued

I Lov uy al af hop you love di capter

Have a nice slepe!

tanatos

Sagging in his seat, Asahi shook his head. “Finally,” he breathed in relief. “Finally, it’s over. Holy shit, that felt like it dragged on forever.”

Cherry nodded as she rose from her seat, stretching her arms over her head. “I can safely say I don’t wanna see a Naruto fic in a good long while after all this bullshit,” she said with a sharp laugh. “This was just a mess—all the freakin’ crossover characters? At least make it make sense, RoseHokage! Give us a reason why we got Ed an’ Tom Hanks in this world!”

Shaking his head, Briar cracked his neck before rising to stand. “I think that’s what truly cemented this story as a ‘troll fic’,” he pointed out, rolling a shoulder to ease the tension that had built up. “The fact that she kept throwing in characters from different sources of media with no rhyme or reason, there was no way that this would have been a serious story with Apollo Justice as the main villain whose lair is a Burger King.”

Asahi rolled his eyes as he gathered his things. “As if the character literally named Mary Sue wasn’t confirmation enough,” he muttered and then sighed. “All things considered? It wasn’t the worst story we’ve read. It was kind of boring more than anything, but it wasn’t the worst.”

The Huntsman scoffed, reaching out to Asahi before letting his hand fall and looked away.

“Considering what we read last week, the bar isn’t set very high,” he said to the other with a shake of his head, fighting back the rush of anger that washed over him at just the thought of that story. It had been far from a fun experience, and in comparison, this story had been leaps and bounds better.

Cherry laughed as she picked up her skateboard and tucked it under her arm, “We’ve only read three stories so far, but outta the three this one was defs the middle in ranks,” she told them with a shrug. “Harry’s Destiny was the best, mainly because it was so freakin’ short in comparison. Rebecca Swansin was the worst, for obvious reasons, an’ this one aint great but ain’t terrible. But who knows,” she paused a mischievous look in her eyes, “next weeks story might shake the whole rankin’ up.”

Asahi reached out to smack her on the arm, “Don’t,” he bite out. “Keep talking like that and we’ll be thrown a story even worse than all the others.”

That only got Cherry to laugh and dodge another attempted strike.

Briar smiled as he watched, following the two young companions as they made their way from their seats, bickering and bantering about what sort of madness they’d be given next week to read and suffer through, and if it was even possible for Rebecca Swansin to be dethrone in the rankings.

“Hold on,” he called out to the two, still smiling softly as both stopped and padded over to him with curiosity on their young faces. His smile turned into a teasing grin as he tilted his head to Cherry. “Asahi, I think you owe her a book. You lost the bet.”

It was amusing watching Asahi’s face go from confusion as he tried to recall said bet, to absolute horror as the realization of it struck him, and he held his bag protectively to his chest.

“What the hell?” he asked, looking from Briar to Cherry—who was giddy as she realized what was going on—and back to Briar. “What do you mean I lost the bet?”

He couldn’t help the chuckle, and he couldn’t blame Asahi for being shocked. His claims seemed incredibly likely to pan out—and yet they didn’t. “Your bet on what would happen in the story. You lost,” Briar said, and held up a hand to count on his fingers.

“One; Emeraldia would defeat the Akatsuki singlehandedly, and if she didn’t and needed help, she would claim she did. The story ended unfinished. She hasn’t defeated the Akatsuki yet. It ended with Jesus coming in out of nowhere, but the battle wasn’t finished yet.”

“Two; she will fight Sakura again, and win, and I think you said she’d likely kill her as well. Unfortunately, Sakura hasn’t made a reappearance. So that prediction turned out wrong, too.”

“Three; this one you did guess right. Her harem did expand, in a way. Sasuke is in love with her. There was even the whole ‘power of love’ incident that you didn’t like. So that is a point in your favor weighing against two points against you.”

“Four; she would defeat Orochimaru, who would be depicted with even more uncomfortable sexual harasser undertones. Unfortunately, Orochimaru isn’t really in this too much, and he’s not really depicted as a bad guy. At least not like the loud lawyer is.”

“Five; she’d fulfill her destiny and defeat Madara. Again, this story is unfortunately not finished, so that never happened. No destiny achieved, no defeat of Madara. Standing four to one, now.”

“Six; never did achieve any sort of god like power, and seven; her backstory wasn’t necessarily tragic. Unless you count the tragedy that is Mary having to deal with her every day.”

Asahi groaned and hung his head in shame as Briar listed off all the predictions he had made, wholly expecting each one to actually happen in the story, feeling his face flush in more shame when only one out of seven fucking predictions came true. What the hell? How had he been so wrong?

He blamed the story. What would have normally been predictable hadn’t happened because no one could predict what asinine bullshit this story was going to spit out next. It ended with Jesus of all people joining the fray! It also never finished, Asahi was sure that if the story actually reached a conclusion, his predictions would have ultimately happened.

But the story never finished, and he had lost his own bet. Shit.

Sighing, Asahi hunched over and slowly opened his bag. He lost, there was no point in being a sore looser about it. Slowly and clearly reluctant to do so, he pulled out The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. He hesitated a moment before holding it out to Cherry. She won the bet, she won the book. He had to accept this fact, no matter how much he didn't like it. He never did like giving up his books, especially to people who weren't big on reading, and reading was the last thing he'd list as things she did for fun.

“Here,” he muttered.

Cherry grinned and took it from him, staring at the cover for a few moments before tucking it into her own bag.

Narrowing his eyes, Asahi threw his bag over his shoulder again. “I expect it back next week, unless you’re actually reading it,” he said, and pointed a finger at her. “And you better not damage it. I don’t want to see the pages dog-eared or find shit like coffee stains on it, got it?”

Laughing Cherry swatted his hand away, “Relax, Asahi, I know how to take care of a book,” she told him still grinning from ear to ear. “I’ll have this baby back to you during the next session, so don’t get your panties in a twist, okay?”

Asahi grumbled, but seemingly accepted this.

Watching it all unfold, Briar felt another smile grace his face and a warmth settle in his chest. As strange as this all was, as strange as his companions were, it was nice. They were nice. It was a brief respite from the hardships and destitution that awaited him outside the theater doors.

#Naruto #Fanfiction #MST #MST3k Style Riffing

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