#no actual suicide but a whole lot of metaphorical suicide and depressing thoughts

[dichromaticdyke]

hey another thing since my brain is broken and i have an MA in literature i'm gonna analyze the lyrics of "aortic desecration" and "SOS."

under the cut this time since last time my brain vomited a bunch of aotd analysis it went on for way too long sorry.

but seriously i wrote a fuckton here over the course of two sleep deprived sessions, so you'll either think i'm a madman or a divine genius.

okay for simplicity, "aortic desecration" lyrics are gna be in red and "SOS" lyrics r gna be in green. i hope tumblr made those colors distinct enough for ppl with colorblindness.

[intro] we're all going to die [x3] eventually [verse 1] toxic waste, acidic paste degradation crushed by a plane, driven insane mutilation cranial glitch dumped in a ditch gangrenous stitch

this is already a lot. nathan's coming at this with the idea that he has to write the most brutal and fucked up song of all time, so he just reminds everyone of their mortality and lists a fuck ton of ways that might happen (many of which do happen during the performance of this song). but even his point of adding eventually after saying how everyone wil die is interesting—it's like that was also tacked on during the performance like, "yeah but not today please haha." not a whole lot to go into here, except the way the first verse ends.

failure has entered your soul

now first of all, some sources have this line as "madness has entered your soul," but i've only ever heard "failure." and i think that makes sense—before this song even started, nathan realized that he wrote the wrong song but it was too late. i think once he got through the majority of the first verse, he went off-script, so to speak, and instead of singing about death, he started singing about realizing his own failure and mistake and how that was about to lead to the apocalypse. this continues into the next verse

[verse 2] how could you be so fucking naive? you fled for refuge and fell to your knees you spoke the words and brandished your heart you left yourself open to be torn apart, torn apart

hi brendon small i would like some recompense. he's speaking exactly to himself, how he was so naive to think that a song of salvation would be a song of death, how he was running from everyone and tried to do this all on his own. he sang about death because that was what he believed was the only thing he knew how to do, he refused to actually do some introspection and figure out what salvation was. and now here he is.

[chorus] aortic desecration how could i be so wrong? disemboweled publicly this is the dying song [bridge] look out bleed [x8] [chorus] [outro] aortic desecration atrial annihilation pulmonic devestation

so this chorus and the outro are fun for me because they're doing that thing that brutal death bands do where they just throw in a bunch of big words that sound scary and fucked up. and they are! aortic desecration essentially refers to a violation of the heart, since the aorta is the main part of the circulatory system and it's been desecrated. nathan broke his own goddamn heart by doing exactly what he feared—causing the apocalypse. he says as much in asking how he could be so wrong? as for being disemboweled publicly, well, here's what my literature MA ass immediately thought of. in sylvia plath's The Bell Jar, she writes about being suicidal and depressed, and one of the ways she considers killing herself is by disemboweling herself in her bathtub. this also reminded me of the way the god character killed himself in the film Begotten. so my initial thought, as gruesome as it is, is that nathan has kinda metaphorically killed himself in front of the whole world by singing the song that he knew was wrong. historically speaking, disemboweling people while still alive was also a form of torture and capital punishment, so that checks out. then he says "this is the dying song," fully recognizing what he's done. the final lyrics of the song once again refer to fucked up shit happening to the heart, with the atria being your heart's upper chambers, and "pulmonary" referring to your lungs, though typically in the sense of bloodflow.

then of course we get him chanting for the world to bleed, but also proclaiming, "look out." now at first i thought this was just kind of an ad lib—it's not uncommon in music to have lyrics like that that are added just to help the flow but don't actually add much to the content of the words. i don't think this is the case especially when comparing this to "SOS," but for now i'll start by just pointing out that "look out" very easily could've doubled in meaning as being a warning to the world. like, this isn't just fun and games any more—actually look out, you're actually going to die.

as for "SOS"...

[verse] last breath skyward dark sign closing line no time to mend this life take this hand this last time

alright this is pretty straightforward. this is their last chance to get it right, if it isn't too late already. but there's also that line of "skyward," which is the first instance in this song of recognizing the doomstar itself. there's no mention of the doomstar at all in "aortic desecration," which is kinda strange if you think about it. not even in the dying song is there an acknowledgement of why the apocalypse might be happening, mainly because the dying song—once nathan realizes what it is anyway—is primarily about hopelessness and fucking up. why even acknowledge the greater power at work when this is nathan's fault (in the context of the song)? but instead nathan acknowledges that the focus has to be on the doomstar, but also on everyone coming together and standing against this force that is greater than all of them. this song immediately establishes the haste in what they're doing, immediately countering the deflection in the dying song. nathan tried making the dying song work by saying, "we're all going to die eventually," but nathan here has the perspective to realize, no. people will die now, are dying now, it might already be too late to fix this, but dammit they're not giving up yet. [chorus] we're the shadows of the infinite we stand alive we're nothing but the soil of time beasts in the night reach with my open hand bound for all time in the shadows of the blazing star fused, we're the light

"shadows of the infinite" is an acknowledgement of their godlike powers, which they've either been completely ignorant to during the majority of the series or just didn't want to admit (think back to "how can i be a hero?" when none of them wanted to step up and do what they had to do). yet despite this acknowledgement of their divinity, their power, they are also recognizing that they are still just people. they can't do anything by themselves, they have to work with other forces. being "nothing but the soil of time" is a reference to being a gear in the wheel of the klok—clock, time, etc., yet also being "beasts in the night" refers to this unhinged power and danger they still hold. "reach with my open hand" is the most obvious line, with the animation in this scene directly reminding us of nathan's conversation with the whale prophet. once again, a reference to the doomstar, and the final line foreshadows nathan using the dethlights alongside both dethklok and the army of the doomstar. these are the people that must work together with this divine power to take out something greater.

it's also worth noting that while the official line seems to be "fused, we're the light," i can ALSO hear it is "fused with the light." so it can be interpreted either as, nathan and the band and the army of the doomstar all coming together to becoming the light/dethlights, or nathan and the band and the army of the doomstar being fused with the light/dethlights. it's not that much of a difference i guess, but a slight different implication of whether or not they themselves are the light or if the light is a separate entity. [bridge] now rise (rise) [x8] movin' out, movin' out [chorus]

this is the part that convinced me to make this a comparison. this is a direct parallel and contrast to the bridge in "aortic desecration," with calls to bleed being replaced with calls to rise. they even chant it the same number of times, guys idk what to tell you. PLUS there's an echo repeat of "rise" throughout this bridge, and while it could very well be a literal echo, who else wants to believe it was all the other members of dethklok singing it? kinda like the "die, die" in the duncan hills jingle? and then the "ad lib" of "look out" is instead replaced with "movin' out." instead of nathan telling everyone to run away, be watchful, be fearful, he's calling on them to come with him and fight with him.

have i talked enough about how brendon small is a fucking genius?

plus based on a few shots from this performance during aotd, i think toki might have been playing lead. which would be super cool, because this would make this the second song that is confirmed to have toki in the lead, the other being "blazing star."

anyway i've fooled you all because now i wanna talk about "blazing star." i know this song has been out for a decade now and has been analyzed a bunch, but i wanna look at it specifically now with the context of the movie.

first off, before i get into the analysis, i'm pretty sure the performance of "blazing star" at the end of the doomstar requiem never happened. i think it was purely non-diegetic, just like half the songs in this whole opera, but it was presented as a proper dethklok song to symbolize the band being reunited and looking towards their next big hurdle of the actual metalocalypse. my main reason for thinking this is that the idea that dethklok saved toki, wrote this song, performed it for the world while announcing, "hey toki's back and he's okay," is DIRECTLY in contrast with the opening scene of aotd where the band makes their first public appearance since saving toki and a standard dethklok performance trigger's nathan's ptsd. i know metalocalypse isn't known for continuity, but they would've mentioned dethklok having a performance post-rescue. and nathan in aotd is so ready to not face his destiny, there's no way he would write and perform a song about exactly that. he's also adamant that he doesn't sing about hope or life, but that's exactly what "blazing star" is about.

enough preamble let's look at that song.

[verse 1, nathan] the glowing clouds, the diamond's birth the spiral cluster descends to earth the nebulas conspire to bring the signifier and the death of a king

already with more context from aotd, i'm obsessed with this. it's setting up the doomstar and the destiny of the doomstar being either the death of salacia or of nathan. i haven't spoken yet about the parallels between nathan and salacia, that's something that's going to take a WHILE to work out, but the long and short of it is, they're powerful beings who can only achieve their full power when being reunited with four other souls/people. GUYS. they are very clearly meant to parallel each other. knowing now that the doomstar is a portal meant to reunite salacia with the "four souls," it's unlikely that this "death of a king" is inherently meant to refer to salacia, because the doomstar would have to be inherently anti-salacia, which it's not. at that, it seems like this "king" is probably meant to be nathan, or all of dethklok, since it's through their deaths that salacia would be reunited and the metalocalypse would happen. it's hard to tell tbh, the doomstar is a neutral figure—all we know is that it can bring death, and it holds power that other figures can harness.

i'm a man with a tortured sight i fear this dream will end tonight the water beasts continue singing we try to wake but we're not dreaming

THIS i find incredibly fascinating. it's no secret at this point that nathan had been dreaming about the whale prophet for who knows how long, and this is very clearly referring to that. the first line of this section even foreshadows nathan being the only one to remember the night they rescued toki. what i find interesting is the contrast between nathan "fear[ing] this dream will end" but also "try[ing] to wake but [isn't] dreaming." these are directly contradictory at first glance—he's scared of this dream ending, but he also wants to wake up? unless these are two completely different dreams.

the first half of aotd, nathan, pickles, skwisgaar, and murderface aren't rescuing toki, aren't even letting themselves think about him. they're only focusing on partying around the world, and they sing a whole song about how they love being useless billionaires and don't want to be heroes OR regular jackoffs. i think that's the first dream—being DETHKLOK, having no problems, doing whatever they want, that's the dream nathan is scared is ending. because after that night of rescuing toki, of harnessing the dethlights, everything has gotten so real. they can't ignore it anymore.

at the same time, realizing that there are greater forces out there trying to destroy the world, trying to use them to destroy the world, everything with the church of the black klok—that must feel like a dream. that's the dream he wants to wake up from.

he wants to stay in his dream of being rich and powerful, but he doesn't want to be stuck in the dream—the nightmare—of the literal apocalypse.

i'm gonna find you i'm running out of time i gotta play this part this is my lot in life with this power i am endowed the end is coming so bring it on now

again, another reason i don't believe this song was diegetic. this is the first moment of clarity he had about the metalocalypse, about how he had to do something about it, whether he wanted it or not. again, in the beginning of aotd, he had no interest in this. i guess it's possible he went back and forth on that (i wouldn't be too surprised), but again, this is a pretty hopeful message, all things considered. he even says "bring it on" to the fucking apocalypse. tell me again about how you don't write songs about hope, nate. i only buy that if he never wrote and performed this song.

[verse 2, pickles] oh the keeper wields his scythe oh you gotta kiss this life goodbye there is another place beyond we'll meet in time and i will greet you all in the next life, yeah

having pickles sing in general is based, but i've never fully understood why he was in this song. like if anything, this song feels like the kind of ballad that would have EACH member of dethklok sing a little bit, so it's strange to have just pickles and nate. it gets less strange with the hindsight of aotd, where their relationship was the primary emotional focus. but let's actually look at what pickles is saying here. it's pretty standard stuff: death is looming, but if worst comes to worst we'll be together in the afterlife.

i wanna fucking throw up (positive). what was that offdensen said to pickles in aotd? "be a true friend, even if it gets messy." pickles's verse is NOTHING but, "hey nate things are getting bad but i'll always be with you." I'M NOT REACHING THAT'S ALL THIS IS.

[chorus, nathan] the blazing star, it burns so bright the darkened power, the dethly light bring it on now, this is our time we're the new regime, together we'll fight

again, standard stuff. doomstar, dethlights, fighting together. all things considered, this could have been the song of salvation. there's not much i can really say other than the fact that since it wasn't, it must not exist in the metalocalypse world, right?

toki had the solo on this song. i don't have to speculate for that, it's made abundantly clear with the animation in the ending sequence of the doomstar requiem. he had the solo because this whole song is about the band coming together to face something greater than them, and they wouldn't have had the power to do that if they didn't have toki with them. it's also them recognizing the worth toki has in the band—at first, it seemed like his worth was just making skwisgaar play better (that was certainly the implication at the end of "the duel"), but it's greater than that.

let's say i'm right—let's say i'm right and toki also had the lead/solo during "SOS." what does that tell you that toki is granted the opportunity ot have the lead SPECIFICALLY DURING SONGS OF HOPE AND CAMARADERIE?? he, much like murderface, is foundational to the band. murderface is the voice of dissent, toki is the voice of hope.

and let's say i'm wrong, and toki only had a solo during the song that doesn't actually exist. that's fine too, because if "blazing star" is meant to be a symbolic, non-diegetic song, then that still proves my point of toki being foundational to the band ("even if you don'ts do nothings") and, more importantly, their divine power.

wow that was a lot if you got to the end pls like comment and subscribe.

#Metalocalypse #Army of the Doomstar #Dethklok #Nathan Explosion #Pickles the Drummer #Toki Wartooth #dichromaticdyke.exe #written in a fit of divine madness

[dragon-business]

saving Nishiki

Phase one of saving Nishiki is Majima annoying him a bit here and there through 10 years Kiryu was away.

He'll be popping in from time to time, offering a fight or a snarky remark, and generally be a nuisance. Trying to get more info about Kiryu sometimes. And that will not be good for Nishiki's mental wellbeing at certain points, but Majima is good at redirecting people's attention when needed.

This thing will not change the general plot of Kiwami, Nishiki will still keep blaming himself for letting Kiryu down (he never stopped caring for him, never thought it’s Kiryu’s fault that things turned out this way). Nishiki will still feel that he has to keep going down this dark path, and will keep pushing himself on it (he feels that he has nowhere else to turn). 

But! He’s a bit more conflicted now. A tiny bit. After all, Majima, of all people, knows a thing or two about waiting for brothers that left you for good (and for bad). 

It’s not that they’ll be talking about for 10 years nonstop, the subject is touchy, after all. Sharp on both ends. But it’s there to allude to, and to be mutually understood while sharing a cigarette late at night.

So, phase two of saving Nishiki is not letting him get shot in the vault. Like, in that last stretch of the game (and in Yakuza games in general) everyone kept standing in front of bullets for eachother, it was almost ridiculous. So why not let Kiryu stand in front of the bullet to shield Nishiki? Why not, hmmm? So yeah, he does that. And now Kiryu and Nishiki are both in the vault with the bomb, and Kiryu is bleeding and can’t move fast enough, and how could Nishiki think about anything but getting him out of there before the whole thing blows up? 

Staying in that safe to die was a split moment decision of a really depressed and suicidal man in extreme duress. So how about we don’t give him time to think it over at all.

Nishiki gets Kiryu’s left hand over his shoulder, and rushes towards the exit with him, and the wave of the explosion hits them near the vault door. Heat and debris hit Nishiki from the left/back, and so this is where most of his scars are. Now and forever the koi will be swimming up from their whirlwind. One particularly bity piece of shrapnel slashes both through Kiryu’s forearm and Nishiki’s face.

(Oh, the power of the shared scar that will forever bind them to this moment. Oh, Nishiki shielding Kiryu from the hit of the explosion.) (Oh, the metaphor and irony of Nishiki looking more like Kashiwagi now.) 

Phase three of the plan is Nishiki getting arrested! Not for his actual crimes, oh no. But for some of the stuff relating to the explosion and mayhem that happened that night. Like, whatever works (c) Kamurocho police, probably. Someone had to be arrested there, and he was breaching some safety regulation protocols or whatever. They pin him for whatever sticks, because there are not a lot of people left there that are both alive and can be put in jail.

So yeah. Nishiki is whisked away to a hospital to get his skin grafts, and then is put in that prison’s hospital wing, and then is slowly let out of it, and then he meets Saejima. And the long journey of healing and self acceptance and love starts. For both of them.

– Oh, we have so much written about it all, just you wait :3 Tigerfish has us by our throats, we’re dying in its chokehold. Best most honorable death ever.

– before / navigation / next

#yakuza #rgg kiwami #kiryu kazuma #akira nishikiyama #tigerfish #is a hill we will forever burn on #they are so dear to our hearts #<3 #this is canon now #our art

[buckyarchives]

we’re not really strangers | Sebastian Stan [2.]

summery: a broken and washed up writer keeps showing up in Sebastian life as he struggles with his own loneliness. two people in two different world, but the tug is so intense it begins to eat Sebastian raw. he has to learn to love full heartedly and you need to learn to trust again after you got cheated out of your entire life.

word count: 7.5k

warning: therapy sessions, hints of depression and drug abuse, mentions of suicide. past abusive relationships.

authors note: this is so long i’m sorry. and yes, readers backstory is literally just from big eyes shut up

read on AO3 | masterlist

“So.” the tap of a clicking pen filled the air. “Have you been writing recently?”

“I'm not a writer.”

Grace – your therapist – sighs, absolutely done with your shit. She was right to be. “You've written some of the film industry's greatest movies. Just because the world doesn't know that doesn't mean it's not true.”

You more or less glared at her, not a peep leaving you. It was going to drive Grace crazy, you didn't care. Maybe you did. A frown danced on your face, the one you wore usually. Just more annoyed.

“You don't have to be in denial forever.”

You loathed it when she said that. She noticed that you began to fidget with your hands before you realized yourself. She wrote it down, the sound of the pen dancing over her pad taunted you. You've never been an angry person, but it made you want to scream at her. Be the madwoman people expected of you.

“Yes, I have been writing.”

Grace's face lightened. “Good, anything you want to share.”

Your therapist made you talk about your script and stories in the beginning, a way to open up, she said. It was usually the only thing you'd be comfortable enough to speak about. She’d look way into the stories though, so you stopped. Especially after a suicidal main character got you put on 24-hour watch.

“Just practice.” you sighed, avoiding eye contact. “That one script I wrote a year ago is being filmed right now.”

“Which one?”

Here we go.

“The one about the cannibal luring in women through dating.”

Grace hums, nodding her head. Remembering the story you spoke about to her a while ago, she had read the first draft. “Is being deceived and tricked something you can relate to? Is cannibalism a metaphor for being eaten away by your feelings when you lived in LA?”

Told you.

You want to groan, scream and cry at her. Throwing your head back in annoyance and carding a hand through your hair with a heavy sigh.

“It's not that deep, Grace.” you say, “it's just about the horrors of modern dating as a woman.”

Sometimes you wanted to cry when she made these arbitrary assumptions just to tear you down into being a deeper person than you actually wore. It made you feel like a character of your trauma. Which your writing was the whole point, to make that not true.

Because you are not a character in your story. You never were.

“But do you feel that way? the way Miles treated you–”

“can we not—“ you let out a shaky breath, “I thought we agreed on Voldemort.”

That stupid fucking name. You hated when she called him by his name, it felt borderline criminal and it left a metallic taste in your mouth. Flinching at every stranger you met with a similar name.

Grace sighed for probably the millionth time. You didn't care that she sounded disappointed. “You cannot keep ignoring your past and live in denial and delusions. You have to learn to step out of that comfort zone and face it head-on.”

Denial, denial, denial. That word sure came up a lot.

“You are a writer.” she looked you dead in the eye. “Yet you claim not to be, despite that fact you continue to write scripts and let movies be made and go uncredited even after escaping miles. Living paycheck to paycheck from that small cafe.”

You feel small.

“You haven't even touched any of the money miles–”

“Okay, I get it, I get it.”

You wished she would stop talking sometimes. And sometimes you wished you didn't have to go to these stupid therapy sessions every week just so you could leave the state. Not be locked in a hospital and dancing around like a crazy person.

“I need to stop living in denial, I need to get out of my comfort zone. I get it, but stop lashing out at me.” you repeat her words. And you know she's not lashing out, she's doing her job and you shouldn't hate her for it. But you do.

Grace looks down at her notepad again and you swear to any gods above if she starts writing down some stupid observation you were going to–

Thump.

Your eyes watch as the throws the pad to the side and lean in closer to you, studying you. Okay, this is even worse.

“Where is this movie being filmed?”

Your eyebrow quirked up. “Canada, Toronto.”

“You.” she points her perfectly painted finger toward you. “Are going to take a vacation, go to set, hang out, help out. Maybe – and I highly recommend it – give some advice. And I know your director friends would be more than welcome to that idea.”

“I can’t take off work.” you sigh, frustrated. “And I don't have the money to get a ticket and stay that long.”

“Yes, you do.” she quips back.

Sometimes you also forget she has access to see your funds and other things. Another thing you could technically blame Voldemort from. If you're speaking about the domino effect, at least.

Hesitantly, and maybe just so you could leave, “i'll think about it. Okay?”

And you did, maybe you forced yourself to think about it in the begining. But somewhere along swallowing yourself on your couch, mindlessly serving coffee and sandwiches. Staring blankly at your books and scripts. You kept thinking about it, until you couldn’t stop. Then it bothered you.

Sometimes you go onto Hulu, prime, or wherever your movies ended up. It doesn’t matter, you don't have control over them, never have. And you'd look at the credits page for hours, quite literally losing yourself in time. You wondered if you'd ever be strong enough to try and change it, by the time you snap out of it, you come to the conclusion that you aren't. And even if you were, would you win? Highly doubtful.

Swallowing down your medication as you feel the upcoming panic. You don't have time to deal with this. You glance down at the orange bottle again. No– stop that. Idiot.

Glancing back to the semi-empty calendar nailed to the wall. Your fingers dance along the dates and you sigh. Tuesday is therapy, you close the shop on those days. Since you usually come back home in a daze and are completely unable to function normally. You hated that your trauma and illnesses had that much power over you. Made you feel weak.

It was February 14th. Your fingertip fell on the 3rd and found itself on the next page. Around the third week of March. That's how long they'd be filming. You didn't ask Mimi. She invited you down, you hate when your therapist is right. She said they'd have a party. They always have parties while filming.

You tried to convince yourself of an excuse to stay. The regulars would be mad when they find out the shops are closed for over a week. You'd miss your apartment, which was a ffat-out lie. You've been trying to convince yourself you'd like this place since you moved in. no way that is changing now. You have to do therapy on zoom, then Grace said you wouldn't need to speak to her on vacation. That made you want to go.

“Fuck!” you yelled, not sure why. But you did and slammed a hand on the counter out of pure frustration and defeat. You'd never have control over your thoughts anyways.

You went into your room to pack, cursing yourself the entire time. You were only destroying yourself by going. Scared someone would recognize you. Another lie, Mimi doesn't work with anyone he worked with. Fact.

Cursed yourself when you bought a ticket, made a sign that said closed until further notice, and texted Mimi your arrival time. Your hands shook when you went through TSA and tried to put your suitcase in storage. A nice husband of three helped you and you gave him a nervous smile. You took a Xanax and mellowed out until you landed.

You began to hate yourself when you checked into the hotel Mimi said to go to. Hated yourself as you got dressed and called a cab. Started to loathe yourself and contemplate going home on the ride back and your legs shook when you walked onto set.

And then something really weird happened. You saw Sebastian and you suddenly didn't and that made you hate yourself even more but in an entirely different way. Mimi was excited you came and Lauryn was shocked. You predicted their reactions and got them correct.

You met Daisy and didn't tell her who you were, she made a good noa. You didn't tell her that either, even though you felt like you should have. Sebastian looked excited, confused, and shocked you were here. All of those and also a little happy. You hoped he didn't know.

You were glad they didn’t get Chris Pine.

/

You lurked the entire day, not wanting to intrude on the creative proess. You knew how frustrating that could be. Mimi was a great director and you were happily watching her.

Sebastian. Oh, Sebastian. You spent an alarming amount of time staring at him instead of reading the book you bought. You thought about how he made you feel when you fell asleep on him, how you felt at ease sleeping in your apartment for the first time (and how you had a panic attack about it in the bathroom before he woke up), how you smiled more than you wished when he convinced you to dance to Lana and Faye Webster. And then you thought about avoiding him the same way you did when he came in the shop that second time.

Because he was a normal man that liked old films, the color pink and space. But to almost everyone else – he was Sebastian Stan.

And that's why you have to stay at arm's length.

But then he startled you with two cups of coffee in his hands, giving you one, and tucked in his armpit was the script. He sat next to you and asked about delivery and attitude, asked for advice and your thought process when you wrote this.

You mentioned it, but Lauryn must have said something.

“He’s lighthearted about it, he is sinister but if you take meaning away he's just goofy.” you explain, and he looked at you so intently and listened to you well, you thought about kissing him, but you knew it was just because he was giving you attention. “These are some scenes you don't want to take him so seriously.”

A part of you wanted to yell at him. Tell him you're not a writer, you didn't write this, why are you asking me? Go ask Lauryn. But that's just what you were used to. You've already crossed a weird unspoken line that both of you acted like it was nothing, because it was. You told yourself.

But you let it be and continued to answer his questions.

You didn’t know Sebastian kept lingering just to make you smile, and that he stayed even after he accomplished his goal.

/

After fleeing to your hotel room, you took a cold shower and cried. You weren't sure why.

You watched Once Upon a Time, “Hat Tricks.” you smiled watching that episode. You weren’t sure why, you didn't like it.

You started to wonder what fuck was wrong with you when you turned on the Covent and went to bed with your hand in your pants.

/

ding!

please don’t be Mimi asking to come back to set. please don’t be Mimi asking to come back to set. please don’t be Mimi asking to come back to set.

from Mimi Cave: the cast and crew are having drinks at 8, it’d be great if you came by.

For the past couple of days, you made brief appearances on set, and spent most of the time lingering around Toronto like a ghost. you went to see Tom and Jerry in theaters which was so far the highlight of the week. maybe besides talking to Sebastian but you weren’t ready to admit that to yourself yet.

you needed to socialize with people besides cafe workers. Speaking with people in the film industry was scary. Maybe this was for the better. You can imagine Grace speaking in your ear.

chewing on your cheek, you blink at the message and then another one pops up.

from Lauryn: i know mimi just texted you, but you don’t have to go if you're not comfortable.

from Lauryn: try to come later though. less people then, or tomorrow morning we can get brunch.

you sighed heavily. two sides of the same coin. One danced around you while the other was overbearing. It was a good balance but now it was just annoying. It was probably because Mimi came post-miles and Lauryn was there even before him. they both cared though.

to mimi: i’ll try to stop by! send me the address. thanks for the invite.

to lauryn: it’s fine, i need to get out. i’ll be there

setting your phone down before glancing at the time. It was 7 pm now. you had no rush to get there at 8, you didn’t want to get there then. If anything, you’d do what Lauryn suggested.

you stared at yourself in the mirror for a good 10 minutes before deciding to get ready. pulling yourself together and putting on a dress of sorts. it was red - staying on theme with the movies. you paced the hotel for a little, opened Instagram. your therapist told you to stop doing that. your fingers danced across the search bar in a trance, not even realizing he was on your mind.

[imsebastianstan]

clicking the follow button. maybe this was a bad idea—

imsebastianstan requested to follow you.

that was… quick. he should definitely be wrapping up filming and not on his phone, or social media.

Nonetheless, you clicked accept.

you had no post, no highlights. just a name and profile photo. it was from a party a long time ago, some

people are cropped out. but you already got a new message.

imsebastianstan: are you coming tonight?

fuck. now you can't back out. you typed quickly, told him you were. he offered to pick you up, what a gentleman. you declined. told him you already called an uber and Sebastian said to be safe. it made your chest weirdly warm.

the ride to the house was a more mellow version of the journey to Toronto and set for the first time. same feelings just less physical panicking. which was — better.

it was 9 when you got there. too early for your taste but you were already standing in front of the huge house, tall glass windows with warm lights and groups of people. too many people. and Mimi must have already seen you because she ran outside with Daisy close behind, cheeks already warm from the crisp cold.

“what are you waiting for? it’s cold, get inside!” she waved you over and you forced out a thin-lipped smile and entered the door, shrugging your coat off and putting it aside.

and you went through the motions of the party for the most part. Mimi introduced you, Lauryn looked surprised that you came so early. you gave her a reassuring nod and she went back to speaking with whoever. wondering if she went around telling them about your part in the script like you did Sebastian. you looked for Sebastian, he was flirting with some girl — you looked away pretty quickly and found a love chair to nurse a drink and people-watch.

and then time blurred, voices muffled and rang. the clicking of glasses and laughter played in the background like a television. you wondered why you even came.

“y/n?”

everything came back and Sebastian was standing in front of you. a somewhat worried face, you chose not to think about that too much.

“hey,” you replied plainly.

“Hey back.” Sebastian smiled and you caught your eyes lingering on his lips. He sat down next to you, thighs touching. like they did when he spent the night, should you mention that?

“Are you okay?” he asks and it genuinely takes you offguard. You begin to stare at him blankly, almost confused. You don't remember the last someone asked you that, and then you realize you don't even know the answer. It shocks you for a moment.

And there's something so raw about Sebastian that makes it so hard to cover it all up. Be fake. Lie. be happy, pretend. It scares you and you want him far away, but the feeling and warmth of his thigh lining against your envelopes you and makes you feel whole and secure.

“I’m here.” which isn't a lie, but it’s all you can think to say. “which is good enough.”

Sebastian glanced back to the small crowd. He smiles, but it feels forced. You know the look too well. “that you are.” is all he says for a moment, you just nod and tap a nail on your glass. “But, do you want to be?”

No, yes, I'm not sure, I should be, do you?

“I think so.” you settle on.

“You don't sound so sure.”

“Because I'm not.” you sigh.

Sebastian takes one more glance around, checking each and every person and to his surprise and delight – no one is looking at him. He smiles, it's genuine now and you can't begin to understand what he's thinking. It angers you.

A hand grasps around your drink, sets it down and finds its way back to your wrist. “Let's go somewhere else,” Sebastian says with a tease in your voice and he's already getting up, you follow him with no hesitation.

“Where?” you ask abruptly, but Sebastian is already pulling you into the front room. Slipping his shoes on.

“Which ones yours?” Sebastian completely ignores your question. Sights set on getting the hell out and looking through the coats. “This looks like something you'd wear.”

“What? No! I would never wear that.” you sound offended, defensive. and smacking his hand away from the ugly purple coat and go to find yours.

Sebastian just laughs and it catches you off guard because he sounds so perfect. and he’s looking at you, and you're still and scared. you grab the black trench coat and let him drag you out and away from the party.

because between unspoken glances of growing trust and laughter as he fumbles with the keys to the rental car. you think to follow him anywhere. and maybe it was simply to get away from that party and the intense stares toward the random, weird girl in the corner who looks one inconvenience away from shooting herself. or maybe it simply was just — him.

you decided not to think about it too much.

“Do you like musicals?” Sebastian asks unprompted. He looks giddy and has a haze in his eyes. you wondered briefly if he should be driving.

“I like some.”

The question of where he’s taking you is still heavy in your head but the question doesn't seem to leave your lips.

Sebastian tucks lips beneath his teeth to hold back a wild, mischievous grin threatening to grow. He turns up the radio aux and the all-too-familiar sound of Andrew Garfield breaks out. you laugh loudly and Sebastian should probably be watching the road right now, but he’s not.

“I like this movie,” you say, referring to tick-tick boom. before you can begin your unasked criticism of the movie. Sebastian breaks out in an aggressive song and it startles you.

“don’t panic! don’t jump ship! I can't fight it!” Sebastian is screaming at the top of his lungs, literally. He turns to you in the passenger and points at you with his nose scrunched. He looks quite cute. “ —like taxes!”

“oh my god.” you gawk. Sebastian doesn't stop his one-man performance and all you can do it stare in amusement and chuckle quietly to yourself.

he doesn’t stop— no, no, now he’s encouraging you. but you're shaking your head violently but the growing smile says something different and Sebastian knows it. “come on! please!”

you shake your head no again

Sebastian is making an exaggerated frown face and he looks ridiculous.

“If I sing, will you tell me where we are going!”

The car slows and he’s driving on a straight road with almost no other cars in sight. Sebastian leans into your space, you don’t lean away. looked you dead in the eye and nothing matters.

“If you sing, I will make the next three to four hours the best you’ve ever had,” Sebastian says sincerely and calmly. He's too serious to be joking now. you bite back a smile and his eyes go back to the round.

your hand goes to turn up the volume and… here goes nothing.

“Friends are getting fatter! the hair on your head is getting thinner! feel like a cleanup batter, on a team that ain’t a winner.” you sing-shout and Sebastian looks more than pleased.

“don’t freak out! don’t strike out! can't fight it, like city hall!” he sings the next verse.

and then you do, and then he does. and then Sebastian put on grease, you suggest heathers and you duo seventeen. Sebastian is still driving with a grin on his face and you feel lighter.

your face hurts when the car finally stops, you want to think it’s from singing. but Sebastian knows it’s because you were smiling the entire ride.

“are you going to tell me why we’re at a grocery store?” you ask, blinking at the 24-hour large convenience store.

“I didn’t want to say anything to Mimi, but her car-cuter boards were not doing it for me.'' Sebastian gets out of the door and slams it shut, it makes you flinch slightly. you hoped he doesn't notice, especially as you linger in the passenger seat. He does, he looks back through the windshield and his giddy smile fades.

Sebastian mouths ‘are you coming?’ and you wonder if you should pretend you couldn’t read lips but it would make no difference. exhale, you open up the door and find your place next to him as you walk through the sliding doors.

the bright fluorescent lights hurt your eyes when you walk in, especially the one above the bathroom that is flickering.

“what’s the weirdest food combo you enjoy?” Sebastian asks. his eyes glance around the store eagerly. you know the look, he looks satisfied when he realizes it’s almost empty, aside from the old lady in the fruits second. the teenage worker. and some woman with 5 pregnancy tests in her hands and one pack of mints.

truly the almost midnight shopping experience.

“weirdest? that I enjoy…” you hum, “cottage cheese and Fritos.”

“that so weak!” he teases and it almost tugs out a smile, matching the one on his that reached his eyes and made the blue look brighter. you turn away trying not to stare or drown in them.

“okay, uhhh… sanyang noodle sauce and watermelon.”

Sebastian hums for a moment, thinking. “that might sound good.” he nods, “what about strawberries and mayo?”

your eyebrows furrow, “that sounds like a pregnancy craving? Are you pregnant, Sebastian?”

he laughs and reaches his eyes once again and a weird sense of pride swells in your chest. Sebastian stops in front of the produce and grabs a small thing of strawberries.

“no, but I’m going to make you try it.” he says.

you let out a breathy laugh, a poor excuse for one anyways. Sebastian's eyes linger on your face, waiting for you to smile. you don’t.

“Is this what we are doing? getting weird food combos?”

“if you want to, get whatever — I’ll pay.”

“That's good enough for me.” and say and grab the cubed watermelon in front of you.

and then you separate for a brief period. Each strolling the aisle of the small store, the bright lights still bothered you. for a moment, you could hear Sebastian humming while he stood on the other side of the shelves. you got caught up in it and ended up staring at a bag of hot onion rings.

so much you didn’t realize Sebastian was now next to you.

“you gonna get those? or just stare at them?” he asked, surprising you. you blinked rapidly as you fell back to reality.

as awkward as ever, you faked a laugh and grabbed them. “I’m getting them,” you were glad you actually like these. “just thinking.”

Sebastian hummed. He knew the look of spacing off until you dissociated well. He chose not to tease you for it.

turning towards the man, Sebastian held an entire chocolate cheesecake and cotton candy grapes. In truth, Sebastian didn’t like cotton candy grapes. mostly grabbing them for shits and giggles, but the smile that grew on your face made him even happier for grabbing them.

you quickly bit back the smile, “those are my favorites.”

Sebastian could have guessed.

“So you're saying if a dashingly handsome man offered you cotton candy grapes, you’d end up like noa?” Sebastian teased.

“maybe, not sure if i’d ever date a doctor though.”

“interesting.”

you walked side by side, your steps were the only noise between you two as you headed for the register. self checkout. you offered to pay, because you’re nice. Sebastian refused and said it was payback for the free coffee.

maybe you shouldn’t be looking at him like you are now. eye focused as he casually wore a small smile, the snacks beeped as he scanned them.

It was so stupid, he was doing something so normal and casual. you barely knew him and you were looking at him with love-sick eyes. Because to you, he looked so good, doing something so normal and maybe you should sit down and really think about your next actions. but you don’t, and you continue to stare and Sebastian notices.

“let’s go-“ he looks up to you, stopping his words when he realizes you were already looking. you feel in a trance when he stares back, with the same feeling in his blue orbs. but you barely know him.

you both snap out of it and start to walk back to the car.

The cold Canadian air hits you, sending a breeze through your hair. Sebastian sees you through the corner of his eye, it makes him smile for some reason. He feels young, like a teenager gazing at a crush in the hallway.

“I wonder what would have happened if we met 10-20 years ago.” Sebastian laughs, such a random question to you.

you hum, “I don’t know.”

Sebastian stares at you from across the car, his fingers graze over the handle and you’re cold. but the door is locked. as serious as ever, like his words wouldn’t knock you to your feet, Sebastian says; “I’d probably ask you on a date, I was really cocky back then because of gossip girl.” he laughs.

you gulp, anxiously waiting for him to unlock the door so you could get in and escape his eye contact.

“And I would decline, because I’d be married to someone else.”

Sebastian’s face falls, only for a moment before he forces out a pursed smile. It doesn't look real and maybe Sebastian isn’t that good of an actor in real life. “and you’d be married. I didn’t know you were married.”

“I know. not anymore.” you say. not like you try to hide it from literally everyone you meet now. Sebastian doesn't know though: and it’s refreshing. but now he’s going to ask about it and you prepare for that speech.

Sebastian unlocks the door.

The ride is a lot more silent now, you enjoy it while it lasts and watch the orange dew when Sebastian drives through the tunnel. you forget to ask where you were going until Sebastian stopped in front of an empty park.

“a park? at night?”

“Absolutely.” he says and he looks so sure of himself, grabbing the bags of food and you can’t help but follow him. you don’t even think about it.

it’s unspoken, and a trust that you don’t recognize in yourself. but you silently follow Sebastian's actions, almost till their own and you two move with the same mind and ideas.

and Sebastian brought a blanket because he just so happened to have one in the car. it’s cold but neither of you care. Sebastian laying on his back with his chest rising slowly, your sit crisscrossed and started going through the bag of snacks as Sebastian switched from gazing at the stars and your stone-like features. you’re so beautiful and Sebastian is so smitten.

“okay,” he sits up abruptly, “mayo and strawberries time, come on.”

He had a Cheshire grin on his face as he shook the mayo bottle. you shake your head, “mhm, no. I hate mayo.”

“I’m serious, you have to try it.” he’s smilesto himself as he squeezes the mayo onto the strawberry and you visually recoil.

“no, absolutely not.” you continue to shake your head.

but Sebastian Stan is Sebastian Stan and he flashes that smile and the moons reflect off his eyes and he’s smiling at you. at you.

“one bite and you can ask me any questions you’d like.” he offers, “anything. no boundaries.”

interesting.

“and you have to try the watermelon.”

he smiles because he knows he’s won. “I'll eat the watermelon if I can ask you one big question.”

you know what the question is, but Sebastian is gazing into your eyes like nothing's wrong. no one has hurt you and you feel warm and young. his blue iris takes you over and it cleans your soul, and he is looking at you.

with a quick roll of the eyes, you agree and Sebastian shoves the berry in your mouth. and sometimes you wish you’d listen to your head more than your heart; especially now.

“ew!” you yell, it comes out muffled because Sebastian put the entire berry in your mouth unprompted, stem and all. you fold into yourself as you search for a napkin to spit it out. “I should have never listened to you! oh my god, that was horrible.”

Sebastian breaks out into laughter as he watches your face scrunch up in disgust, he hands you a napkin and you throw the mushy mayo-strawberry to the side.

“Man, I gotta think of a horrible question.” you snark.

“Try me.” he says, testing the waters.

this feels oddly like the first night he met, maybe he shouldn’t be letting you do this. Maybe he’ll say something wrong again. knowing himself, he probably will.

you can’t look at him, you plop down and stare at the stars and hope he follows. Sebastian does.

“Do you actually like being an actor?”

Sebastian’s quick and ready junket or movie premiere answer is on the tip of his tongue and then he realizes. It's an empty park, night and stars shining down on him and he’s alone. alone with you. you're beside him and he can feel your warmth. Sebastian had to think of a new answer, it puzzles him.

he fully thought you’d ask something embarrassing of him. like it’s not already on some podcast or interview. Sometimes he regrets when he says those vulnerable and knowing things about himself. It's like giving a piece of himself to the world. in exchange: he’s not sure.

“Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.” he exhales and it’s the only thing he can think of. “recently though; I’ve been liking it a lot less.”

you hum, so he knows you’re listening and you understand and you urge him to keep going. because the weight in his words makes you feel like it’s been bottled up and he’s letting his thoughts out barely, one by one.

“You know, sometimes it just feels like I’m not me. like I'm made up of things people think of me, and it’s hard to differentiate from that.”

he sighs, his chest feels heavy. “i guess I’m just tired of people picking me apart.”

“amen.” you attempt to joke and it leaves Sebastian off guard. but it’s not bad, he chuckles under his breath and you have a small, tiny smile on your face.

It's silent for a while, but it's okay. It's comforting and domestic and it reminds you of the morning Sebastian slept over. But you also know what’s about to come and you decide to just accept it because Sebastian is already asking the question he did before.

“I’m taking my questions now,” he says. “be honest this time. the real you, what broke you?”

the real you. you would never understand, Sebastian Stan.

you decide to go slow, and asses if you’ve been deceived and are stomping on enemy territory.

“Do you know Mile Franco?” the words come out and you don’t recognize your own voice, you feel dirty and slimy.

Sebastian's confusion shows heavily on his face, even if you can’t see it - you hear it in his words.

“the director? yeah. I auditioned to be in like 3 of his movies.”

you barely realize the words leave your lips until the awkward and painful silence follows after, the words rush out so quick you maybe hope Sebastian doesn't understand you.

“he’s my ex-husband. and he’s stolen every single one of those movies from me.”

your mind flashes to the metal ring that you used to wear with pride. the days you were trapped in those multi-million dollar hollywood houses, for literally weeks. you thought you were being loved as you gave the man your scripts and story and directorial work and talent for free. in exchange for what?: a few suicide attempts, trust issues, a 10 million dollar settlement, and a stolen Oscar for director of the year as the one thing to say “fuck you” to him. even if he had endless awards that should have your name on the plate

“Oh.” is all Sebastian can say and your sure you’ve fucked up. and he’s a secret die hard fan of his and he’s fawned over miles at award shows you should've been to, but you always found out he got invited after the red carpet and it was too late. you watch him accept your awards on the television.

“I met him fresh into film school. I graduated high school early so I was only 17. I had nothing to my name at the time” you exhale a shaky breath. “we were married for 13 years, it took 2 hospital trips for me to leave him. I took him to court for the rights - lost - and got settlement money instead.”

Sebastian feels his mouth go dry when he listens to you. abruptly sitting up, making you flinch as he looks down at you. anger, confusion, disgust, nervousness: you couldn’t tell but his face flared up with emotions as he furrowed his eyebrows.

“so all of his movies… you wrote? like all of them?”

“yes.” it comes out strangled and more like a croak.

Sebastian is processing what that all means to you for, for the film industry and himself. He loved his movie and admired him. Sebastian can only think to joke about it and also make a pathetic, desperate attempt to make you feel better.

“That explains why his movies have been really bad recently.” he scoffs and you actually laugh. Sebastian wants you to feel better.

“I guess.” you sigh. sitting up next to him.

Sebastian always knows how to push everything slightly over the edge and despite how much he’s talking himself from doing that with you. mysterious, mysterious girl. He can’t help himself and he begins to tread in unfamiliar territory.

“you’re divorced, away from him. So why do you continue to write movies and go uncredited?”

you breathe in. ready to give your avoidance-type answer you’d give Grace or change the subject. but Sebastian's looking at you and he looks caring and trusting and he’s not your therapist. you wonder what is wrong with you and if you should run and hide that this will be another Miles.

“I feel like they have this idea that when someone goes through something like I did, they’re supposed to blossom and take control and gain that power back.” you sigh, the continuous trope you see in the media that tire your back: because it’s not you, and you feel like a fraud. “But that’s not me, because I got pushed into that comfortable zone of being in the shadows despite the fact it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I know nothing else.”

Sebastian doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say and for once — the silence makes you uncomfortable. a light-hearted scoff leaves you, “and the reasons you don’t want to be an actor are the reason I don’t want that fame.”

“makes sense.” Sebastian says. he knows deep down that despite the fire brewing in the bottom of his stomach that feels betrayed for you. He doesn't act, you wear your stubbornness on your shoulder and Sebastian knows that no amount of cotton candy grapes will make you have a sudden epiphany tonight.

but he also knows the pent-up emotions of being silenced and talked over, and giving up trying anything else.

“get up.” Sebastian speaks softly, your eyes glance at him.

“What?” The smile on Sebastian's face confused you more. slowly, you rose up and went straight next to him. short-lived when Sebastian grasps your hand and jerks you up an empty field around the park, stumbling over your feet as he guides you to the top of the hill.

“okay, and stand here.” Sebastian still hasn't answered your questions, you were sensing a pattern. but you obey and stand directly next to him. you stare down the hill, you feel taller.

“Sebastian? what are you doing?”

“do you trust me?” he asked plainly, a tease at the end of his words that caused your lip to quirk up slightly. it’s getting too easy for him to do this.

“I barely know you.”

“You know more than most.” Sebastian breathes out and quickly faces the sky again. “Now, breathe.”

you inhale slowly and exhale, your chest rises and you wonder why you trust him. you probably shouldn’t.

“scream,”

“what?”

“scream, scream as loud as you want, scream at the stars, scream at the clouds, scream at the world. just scream until you feel better.”

Sebastian finished and you look and see a solemn smile on his face. “You're crazy.”

“do it.”

you turn to the stars, keep your mouth shut. an invisible latch on it that’s stopped you from this for years - decades. You can’t help but wonder how often Sebastian does this and if his therapist told him to do this. Does he even go to therapy? probably not.

before you can even muster up anything to scream about, a deep and loud yell startles you. Sebastian begins screaming his head off and you're laughing suddenly, you don’t know why but you are.

“Come on.” he encourages, slightly disappointed that you didn’t join straight away. but Sebastian is good at pushing, and you need a lot of it.

“There's something about you, Sebastian Stan” you whisper enough for him to hear, it mixes in with the soft sounds of the wind.

“scream or I’ll cry myself to sleep.” Sebastian deadpans.

“This is manipulation.”

Sebastian just smiles and turns back around and screams, again. loud but you don’t flinch this time. playfully you roll your eyes, gulping down all your anxieties and you really hope the dam doesn't break fully and you end up crying. you scream, loud and shrill but Sebastian hears the pain in it and is proud you're letting at least a little bit of it out.

it died down and faded into belly laughter, Sebastian clutched his stomach and curled into himself. a wide Cheshire grin that matched yours now.

“I hope no one calls the cops on us,” he mentions through waves of laughter.

“Just name drop, we’ll be fine.” you wave him off and don’t notice that he’s staring at you with a glint in his eyes that are highlighted by the stars and moon. He looks gorgeous, only if you could see it. you’d know how love sick he was growing.

Sebastian's laughter subdued and he glanced from you and the large hill. an idea pops into his head and for a moment he wonders if he’s pushing too far, but it is forgotten when he goes to grab your hand.

“Now we roll!” he yells out, a childish grin on his face. you whip your head towards him and his hand that holds yours. he is so warm, you feel a sense of comfort in your chest.

“What?!”

and you’re rolling, Sebastian pulls you down and your face is met with wet grass. but you can’t help but just laugh some more when you find yourself at the bottom and in Sebastian’s arms. you're not bothered by the sudden closeness, you feel you should be.

“you’re a horrible influence, look at my hair!” you point out.

“Your hair looks great.” Sebastian says, one hand on your waist and the other patting any fly away or grass in your hair away.

his eyes glance to your lips, and you notice that. you feel your heart beating faster and you wonder if Sebastian can hear it too. with Sebastian so close, chest to chest, you're sure he can.

“you going to throw me off or…?” you gulp.

Sebastian just shakes his head, his iris glancing at every single detail of your face. “nope.”

“Oh.”

not to be cliche, but the world feels like it’s stopped. the quietest sound of Sebastian thumb grazing against your skin, the wind stops blowing through the grass and leaves and it’s just you and him.

“I hope I'm not misreading the situation…” Sebastian alludes, slowly closing the distance between you two.

“you’re not.” you breath out and barely a second later his lips are on yours.

it’s wrong, everything about this is wrong. you feel the rise of doom in your stomach. but he’s warm and soft against your lips and your heart says something different because it feels so right. he feels like the first drink on a night out, you know tomorrow will be hell but you couldn’t stop yourself because he feels so good.

Sebastian's tongue swipes across your lips and his hands grasp tighter on your hip and back. He flips you over gently, his knee is in between your thighs but it’s not sexual. He kisses you gently and fully, he doesn't tease and takes his time. you feel the grass beside your head and it pricks at your skin, but it doesn't bother you.

a small sound comes from each of your lips, a moan even. it’s not hungry or asking for more, you feel full and content. Sebastian isn’t looking for your body or making this kiss feel like some milestone to be advanced after.

but then he pulls back and you feel empty, it’s so confusing — you hate it.

“was that too much?” he asks, still so giddy and head high from having you against him.

“not at all. thank you.”

a moment of silence, it’s not uncomfortable or ungiving, but you pull away and Sebastian crawls off you. rising to his feet and lending you a hand. you check your phone, it’s late - way late.

“I think I should be getting back.” you sigh, this feels like the end of a movie. reality hits you tomorrow and you feel the high calm down, oh how will you replace it?

Sebastian looks a little disappointed, but he attempts a face for you to not see it. “Okay, I’ll drive you.”

He pulls you by the hand again and for the last time that night, you sit in his passenger seat and continue to listen to whatever’s on the radio. small and meaningless chatter, about movies and television. specifically horror for a while. Sebastian doesn’t like horror which shocks you. but he also makes fun of you for the fact your favorite movie is Rocky and mayday.

you watch him when he smiles and frowns or when he does that thing where he pokes his tongue on the side of his cheek, you deny to yourself that you think it’s hot. warm and orange lights from driving through a tunnel show on his face and your brain instantly thinks you want to make a movie with orange color grading, with Sebastian as the leading man. probably something depressing.

The thought of being in love with Sebastian plagues your mind for a moment, and you wonder if this is what it would feel like.

and you hate the feeling even more when he drops you off at the hotel and you're left alone again with nothing but your thoughts. you long to see him again and it scares you.

the orange bottle in your bag taunts you, you can’t help it. old habits die hard.

#sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan x ofc #seb stan #sebastian stan rpf #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x fluff #rpf #actor rpf #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #james bucky barnes #marvel #fresh

[askfallenroyalty]

Here's some more deleted scene panels that never made it in

sorry there's no captions, there's just too many panels to describe and i'm tired. hopefully i'll have the energy/rememebr to do so tomorrow ):

IM REALLY SAD THIS ONE DIDN'T GET IN. I even drew asriel shutting flowey in a box for this joke to work. There was going to be a visual gag of it being a "soap" box. Haha.

Asgore was originally going to tell Asriel to think of something nice to get his mind off of his panic attack.

Which, while funny, took away the feeling of intense panic the audience and asriel should have been feeling at the time. It just didn't fit the pacing/mood. It also showed that -well, i don't know if this is a legitimate grounding technique or if it'd be read as "its ok just think happy thoughts <3 then ur panic attack would end" which... is not.... how that works. Even if it was only to give Asriel a moment of respite, it's shown as effective until Asgore brings up a bad memory. So. bad comic sequence.

more stuff under the cut

I had a really, really hard time balancing the tone of the scene that is currently happening in the redraw. it's why i'm so behind in my drawings, so i'm only now sketching the next couple month's updates.

This chapter has gone through SO MANY changes. I feel that comes with it being the first chapter to completely diverge from the original tumblr version.

Asriel was originally going to have a very on-the-nose nightmare about Flowey feeling excluded from the family and fearing drowning. Now, the whole darkness/water metaphor for suicidal depression will be introduced when that stuff starts to come into play in chapter 4...

i mean, just to really hammer home how much i had to delete for this: i actually did sketch out the original tumblr version here. I had it all ready before chapter 2 began posting. But as I was finishing the color for the warship section I realized, shoot, I don't wanna repeat it.

When I first made the tumblr version, i was getting burnt out and the characters just became so much... meaner? rude? to each other. some bickering or annoyance is fine but I have a bad habit of going overboard. That's something I hope to correct in the rewrite -and focus more on less drama and more wholesome/loving moments.

(note the above scene is shown not in full. its jumping around a bit)

Even tho I was mostly keeping chapter the same the first time I sketched it for the redraw, I added this scene. The idea was that when the house was on fire, Frisk would of ran off to the right of the house to where you can see Old Home.

There, even tho Frisk can't verbally talk, the two have a nice heart-to-heart. Chara remember Frisk has [spoilers] issues. Chara was going to own up to their bad behavior.

Now well, hm. Chara's got a lot of shit going on. Frisk of course has forgiven them (like they do for everyone in the underground -_- oh frisk...) and it's going to be something that's addressed down the road. for now, they've held hands, and shown solidarity for each other. As kids, they're going to goof around and be buddies and not let the cruddy stuff chara did earlier matter. things are so much less of a big deal when you're a kid.

#redraw #deleted scenes

[jakowskis]

Day 3 - What’s your favorite episode(s)?

torchwood is a weird show for me in that i dont have traditional fav episodes bc even the ones i like most are like 70% good and 30% terrible 😭 but! i have episodes that have driven me the craziest + that i love the most. and those are...

for starters, the last four eps of s1 are MY episodes. i call them the owen mental illness arc. FHDSK jk but like, i love how it's a cohesive arc for him. he loses diane, goes off the deep end, and it culminates in him nearly destroying the world. i think about the whole latter half of s1 far too often it makes me crazyyyy. ppl give s1 a lot of shit but i think the storyline is (possibly accidentally) brilliant. there's a whole subtle overarching theme (torchwood breaks people) that i adoreeeee. and owen's the best example of it. (cjh + eod both specifically make me fucking nutssss. cjh is the episode ever but only the owen&ianto plot. i do not care abt jack and his boytoy. yawn. owen & ianto doing bi on bi violence was 10x more homoerotic than jack making out w a man btw.)

a day in the death. aaand the other owen arc fhsdjkf. torchwood is rlly owen's show for me ngl. at least s1 n s2. dmw pisses me off (more on that tomorrow... and the next day actually) but the undead arc as a whole still makes me bonkers, and aditd's easily the best, and one of the best eps of the whole show actually. additionally, it's one of the eps that like, has something substantial to say thats enhanced by the sci fi elements, like, it's something i'd wanna show someone on its own. i think it's a fantastic metaphor for mental illness and depression and watching owen go through all that on screen for the first time was kind of life changing, and it's come to mean a lot to me. did not expect i'd get a well-done and thoughtful and non-accusatory suicide episode from torchwood of all shows.

other ones im particularly fond of are countrycide, kkbb, tkks, gbg, sleeper, fragments, and, excluding the ending bc it hurts, reset.

#tdot #txt

[spells-and-liquid-luck]

maybe a volturi insert that lookes like sixteen or fifteen but she can see someone's future by choice (kinda like Alice) but the longer and more she does it, the more her blood lust rises so she has to feed more frequently because she can become weak. so like one day when Aro asks her to do it and she does it for a long time, she becomes a bit weak (she's still a vampire) and Demetri has to assist her (they're good friends cause she's been alive for like a hundo years) and when eddie and bella come to volterra and stuff they're not surprised because the insert saw them coming. and edward is super respectful to her and everything and carlisle and insert had a mentor/student relationship and insert has LOTS of respect for carlisle. but alive and her are kinda stand-offish. insert sees bella's future on Aro's request and she gets a little blood lust and has to restrain herself from basically chomping bella

Blood-Thirst - Vampire! reader x Volturi

Warnings: mentions of un-aliving

Volterra was the last place she wanted to be at. She didn't think that stopping Edward from committing vampire suicide was something that she had to do during her immortality, but the Cullens were her dearest friends and she was going to save Edward from making the dumbest decision he's has made in a long time. Standing before the Volturi took a whole other level of courage.

Aro, an annoyed arrogant vampire who looked like he was friends with Lestat De Lioncourt. Jane, a ruthless masochist. Caius, who had no special powers but he was just as masochistic as Jane. Marcus, he looked like he was in actual pain all of the time and everyone was pretty sure that he hated being immortal. Demitri, a tracker, a friend to her. He was the only one who she wasn't metaphorically sweating bullets for.

"Why dus you decide to come here?" Asked Jane. Her eyes were already filled with a hunger to cause somebody excruciating pain. "I want to die." Edward said with a deadpan expression that it almost made the Volturi laugh. Jane couldn't hide the small menacing smile that etched across her lips. "He thinks the mortal he's in love with is dead. She's alive!" She explained. She was growing frustrated as only she knew that and Edward refused to believe her. "I saw her in the future and she's coming here." Edward dull eyes still wouldn't brighten up at the thought of seeing the girl he loved standing right beside him.

"May I?" Aro asked, lifting his hand for her to take. She gulped nervously and with shaking knees she walked towards him gently grabbing his pale hand for him to see into her mind. She had used her powers earlier in the day to see Edward and Bella visiting Volterra so she knew that she wouldn't be able to handle this. He was shown a bare-foot, golden eyes Bella running in the woods holding hands with Edward. Aros eyes gleamed with excitement. "Incredbile." He said in Italian with a sigh of amazement. She looked at him with a deadpan expression. "It's amazing how much this young immortal is willing to go to save you. It takes great courage to stand before us." Marcus said in his exhausted voice.

As she released her hand from his, she began to feel weak as her knees buckled and she stumbled back. Dimitri quickly assisted her before she could fall to the cold floor. "You okay?" She nodded as a way to tell him that she was fine. Dimitri looked up at Aro and spoke. "She gets weak if she uses her gift for too long, Aro." Ar let out a giggle as be realized that she was I'm need of sustenance. "Are you alright?" Edward asked with his usual kind demeanor. She wondered about how he was so calm about this. He looked broken and depressed from the pain that he had caused Bella. "Are you alright?" She asked back with a hint of sarcasm lacing her voice. "You know, she's fine." She reassured him once more but he was in too much denial to believe her words. Aro looked at Edward and saw that he was just too special to die. "Dear, Edward. I feel like you would be throwing away your very special gift. You're too valuable for us to kill you." Aro explained.

Edward snickered as he lowered his head as if he just had a very strange thought. "What are you planning?" She whispered to him. "I can't live without her." She had never seen a vampire hold such emotion— especially for a human. "I told you, she's fine." Her black blood-thirsty eyes pleaded, trying to get him to understand. Edward walked out of the room passing by the secretary who was willing to die to become what they were. She followed him, holding her nose from the human. He slowly started to unbutton his shirt in the sunlight surrounded by people in red rejoining in harmony. The sun was cascading on his pale skin. She saw him beginning to gleam like he was made out of crystals, and she began to panic. "Edward! No!" A familiar voice coming from far away called out. She realized who it was and shook Edward "It's Bella! Edward Stop doing this!" She said with frustration. She saw her, Carlisle and Alice running as fast as they could to get to him before it was too late. "It can't be." His empty eyes turned to longing as he tried to remove his shirt. Suddenly, he was wrapped by loving and familiar arms. "My Bella." He said breathlessly as she began to guide him inside of the building that was behind them.

"Aro would like to speak with you?" The eager secretary interjected. She held the heavy door for them and walked in with reluctance. "Ciao Bella." Aro said with a wide creepy smile. "Ah, Alice. Ira Ira nice to see you." Alice nodded. "You too, Aro." She said with slight bitterness ess. "There has been great talk of you here, Bella. The future immortal is finally within our midst." He giggled. Edward tensed ho at his choice of words. "You showed him?" Alice asked her in qn annoyed tone. "You know what would happen if they found out." She stated. Alice rolled her eyes, and turned to Bella who seemed very anxious to get out of the room filled with vampires. Her body was shivering with the coldness of the room. "May I ask you to use your gift once more?" Aro asked. "I'm not sure that's a good idea." She replied. "Per favore, cara mia?" He asked softly bit his crimson eyes looked threatening. Dimitri and Carlsile looked over at her with concern as they both knew of what was coming. She once again walked over to Aro looking anywhere but at him and grabbed his hand. Once again the golden eyed Bella flashed across her mind running with Edward with their hands intertwined.

She let go of his with a jerk as she was overcome with need. A desperate need for blood. Carlisle was quick to notice the shift in her stance and hunger, but she almost couldn't control herself. Her body lunged at Bella with an animalistic sense of instict. Edward acted quickly by jumping in front of Bella in a protective stance to keep her from getting bit. Alice was holding her back, trying to buy them time. "Get Bella out of her." She grunted with gritted teeth trying to stop the urge from consuming her completely. "Hey, hey. It's okay. You're okay." Alice tried to calm her down as if she was a frightened animal, she used the same tone she used to talk to Jasper. "Her blood is very attractive isn't it?" Aro laughed. Alice glared at him, throwing daggers at him in her head. "Would you like the first pick of the humans?" Jane said humorously while also being completely serious. "I can handle myself. She grunted again. "I'm not weak." She continued. That earned her a scowl from Aro. "Let's get you home okay." Alide said, grabbing her by the arm to support the hungry vampire. As they were leaving she muttered "hunt." Alice smiled and nodded and closed the door behind them.

Tag list:

@flamey-0

#volturi #twilight #volterra #edward cullen #vampire! reader

[thebimarauder]

All for the game blurb post canon that i thought of today 

A little angsty but when is AFTG not 

credits for characters go to Nora with a little twist 

TW: mentions of: depression, self harm, and suicide attempt 

Neil: “Hey drew is something wrong?”

Andrew: “No”

Neil: “Are you sure you look a little upset”

Andrew:  “Im fine junkie” 

Neil: “Arent you always telling me im not allowed to say that?” 

Andrew:  “...”

Neil: “Umm okay but are you sure im worried? Will you at least talk to bee dont you have an appointment tomorrow im sure she wouldnt mind-” 

Andrew:  “do you really want to know how i feel neil fine if you care so much ill tell you. i hate most people and when i say that i really do mean it. i hate myself. i hate the fact that i was born in the wrong body and that there’s nothing i can do about it. i hate that i have boobs, i have boobs neil what kind of man has boobs and a vagina. i hate that i have this body but it makes me a trans gay man which makes a lot of people hate me and that coincidentally is one of the only things i don’t hate about myself. i hate the fact that i’m so fucked up and no matter how hard i try or how much time i put in with bee nothing will ever make me better.

i hate Aaron for hating me when i saved him and although i understand i just don’t get why he still doesn’t care because i obviously care and even you being so stupid as you are can tell that i care but he can’t. i hate Nicky for giving away his whole life and happiness for me and Aaron but i can also never thank him enough and that makes me so angry with myself that i’m happy that he fucked up his whole life but i’m so great full and i don’t know how to tell him. 

i hate wymack for giving me a chance and agreeing with my stupid idea to bring along aaron and nicky. he should have left me to rot and moved on to some other fucked up teen. i hate kevin for pulling me into all of this shit but also for giving me something to live for because now i’m alive every day dreading getting out of bed because although everything is far better now than it ever has been before in my entire life i still feel a weight on my chest both metaphorical and physical that i can’t get rid of and now because of kevin i still wake up to that every day. i hate bee for not giving up on me because somehow it worked enough that i’m able to talk about some things now and i don’t want to talk about them or even think about ever again. i hate myself for scaring people but i’m not even doing anything other than protecting myself and my family and i am called a terrifying monster. i hate myself for not fighting enough when i was younger and giving in to my darkest thoughts but i also hate that i didn’t go through with them which makes me hate myself more bc who wishes to die and then hates themself for not going through with it even when they have never been happier.

and above all neil i hate you because before you i felt nothing and now i feel everything. the good and bad and it’s more than i can deal with and i don’t want to throw anything on you but i can’t do it myself because you made me open myself up and you made me weak. You made me get off of the meds and you caring about me hurts because why have i never gotten that before in life but it is also the thing that makes all of the hate go away for a minute because although i say it all the time i don’t actually hate you neil i think i love you and it terrifies me. so there i said it i’m falling apart and losing my marbles and becoming the hateful monster everyone thinks i am and it’s all because of you. and i can’t do it. “

Neil: “…drew “

Andrew:  “rabbit “

Neil: “fuck drew “

Andrew:  “…”

Neil: “i love you so much “

Andrew:  “no you don’t “

Neil: “yes i do. don’t you dare tell me that i don’t love you because i do i always have. you are the only one to make me feel this and it’s love. i’ve always known but i wasn’t sure if you were ready but drew i love you and i know things are hard and you don’t feel like yourself and there’s years worth of tension with your family but i promise we will figure it out together like we always have because you are andrew minyard the strongest person i have ever met and i am hopelessly in love with you and would do anything to make you as happy as you make me and i will never stop tying. “

Andrew:  “rabbit “

Neil: “you can’t hate yourself like that because then you are hurting the person that i love most in the world and i can’t let you do that “

Andrew:  “Junkie”

Neil: “No i mean it drew you are amazing and wonderful and so lovable and i dont know how everyone else dosent see it and i dont know how you dont see it. I mean think of all of the amazing things you have done, you saved aaron multiple times, you saved nicky from those guys at the club, you got matt off the drugs, you protected kevin, you saved me “

Andrew:  “No i-”

Neil: “Yes you did drew you saved me and i love you for you and for all of that and i will never stop loving you so you better stop hurting yourself bc you said you would never hurt me and you hurting yourself physically or emotionally hurts me “

Andrew:  “I will try “

Neil: “Good and i know you said you are not super comfortable with your body but i just wanted you to know that I think you are the most beautiful person ive ever seen, you are like a greek god, strong, golden, powerful, and so fucking hot and even if you have moments or days of dysphoria or dislike for your body i will never stop thinking that you look amazing. And if you ever want to talk about this in more detail i am always here and would love to learn how to help “

Andrew:  “Thank you rabbit “

Neil: “Of course drew and about the other thing i cannot imagine how hard it was growing up in the situations that you did but i am so so fucking happy that you did not go through with trying to end it. And i know that now you are feeling more emotion than ever before because of the meds and pushing everything down and that it feels so scary and horrible right now it also lets you feel the good and happy and love from family and friends and I know you may not like everyone but after the last few months everyone loves you me most of all so im really happy that you can feel that now and know how much we care “

Andrew:  “I… i dont know what to say i bottled everything up for so long and now its overwhelming and i just dont know what to do or how to make it go away again “

Neil: “If you knew how to make it go away again in a healthy way i think you would make millions because no one has gotten that answer yet but if you ever need anyone to hold you up when everything feels particularly heavy i am not going anywhere if you need to cry, scream, hide, be held i will be here no questions asked and do everything i can to help all you need to do is ask for help so that it dosent get to this low of a point again because i never want to see you so low again “

Andrew:  “Did i scare you “

Neil: “No drew never but you did worry me you were so out of it and not responding and then you exploded with all of these things that you have never brought up before and that made me scared for you “

Andrew:  “Im sorry “

Neil: “You have nothing to be sorry for now how about we curl up and watch a movie so you can have a break from the feelings and then we can talk some more later “

Andrew:  “Okay “

Neil: “Okay lay with me drew? Yes or no?” 

Andrew:  “Yes, kiss me junkie? Yes or no? “

Neil: “Always yes “

#all for the game #all for the gay #andrew minyard #neil josten #Andreil #aaron minyard #nicky hemmick #kevin day #david wymack #betsy dobson #trans andrew minyard #trans masc #trans man #transgender #gay #demisexual #aftg #trans

[zabadi]

YAY YOU SAW THE MOVIE OF ALL TIME i need to hear more of your thoughts about eeaao if you're willing to share because. i feel like it's a movie that just like profoundly spoke to me about particular philosophies i have and i see that you also resonated with it

oh man ive had a long day and im still kinda reeling from it to be honest but god such a wonderful movie. its an almost perfect specimen of genre fiction and more broadly metaphor as a storytelling device bc the whole point of genre fiction (to me anyway) is that it uses these fantastical or otherworldly conflicts as metaphors for the most everyday human emotional conflicts. it catastrophizes things as commonplace and simple as a child's wish for their parent's love into a fractured consciousness spanning the infinite universe or a black hole that ruptures the fabric of reality. and even though we as the viewers dont understand what it would be like to deal with a conflict on that scale, the emotions being dealt with through the metaphor of the multiverse are so real and so recognizable that the conflict becomes real and recognizable as well. yeah it's an infinite web of real concrete universes with infinite possible alternate selves but really it's the fundamental diasporic question of What if I never left home? yeah it's a black hole that ruptures the fabric of reality created by a being of godlike power but really it's just a young woman tired of the world and her lot in life contemplating suicide. perfect use of metaphor! literally perfect!

And god the CIRCLES! the CIRCLES. the unending turmoil of a human life. you're never going to get back where you were as a kid but that kid will always exist. life is meaningless and therefore not worth living. also, life is meaningless and therefore worth living. thats something i really loved abt this movie was that like. Materially not much changes aside from evelyn's consciousness fracturing like joy's yk? there's no big sci fi resolution where they return to their home universes and live happily ever after. the circle doesnt break because there's not really a way to opt out of the craziness of your life. you're always going to be thinking about where you were and what you did and what you could've done and no matter how hard you try you're going to make decisions w consequences that you're going to struggle to live with. What matters isnt breaking the circle But there's always a different way to see things. theres the bagel, darkness enclosing light, and theres the googly eyes, darkness at the center of light. i see the good side not because im naive but bc how can i live otherwise? the laundromat represents both the endless tedium of their lives and a haven of comfort and love. Lauryn hill was so right when she said everything is everything

and on a level joy knows that from the very beginning! like she's overwhelmed and depressed and despairing that anything could ever get better bc life is meaningless. but when u look at the performance involved with her shenanigans..like the dancing the makeup the costumes! on a level she knows the meaning of life is just what you make it bc she wouldnt have constructed this elaborate theater around the bagel if she didnt get some kind of pleasure or satisfaction from it. it's fun! it's meaningless but she gets something from it! and of course that's not enough she needs the love and support from the people she loves to actually pull her back from the brink but i just love that from the very beginning she's so desperately human even with this insane godlike power she's just looking for something that makes her want to live

like it's an incredibly overwhelming and busy movie but with everything going on it has such a simple profound center to it which is just. Choose love! choose TO love. choose to be forgiving and kind. Bc love and faith are what give life meaning but they are also things that take immense strength to maintain. life doesnt just have a meaning hidden at its heart waiting for you to find. it takes effort and strength to continue to have that love and faith that make life worth living but literally what else can a person do? how else can a person live? Love must be made anew like bread etc.

and it doesnt feel preachy either! it's easy for such a simple message to come off as an out of touch platitude but the dialogue and the story and the acting and the chemistry btwn the characters makes it all so heartfelt! it's lighthearted without making a joke out of itself! the characters are so human and care for each other so much that when the core of the movie becomes clear it feels so so earnest and genuine it actually settles into you it makes it so easy to empathize with and internalize. in my experience its really hard to share simple but essential truth like "be kind" without seeming preachy or shallow bc its the kind of thing that no matter how many times you hear it only really hits you when you are able to internalize it. and this movie just does a beautiful earnest job of it

im gonna stop bc im too tired to make sense anymore lmfao but this is the first time in years ive watched a movie and it jumped to my top 5 within the first hour. excellent excellent movie i am going to think abt it for the rest of my life

[0verthinking1t]

Down For Maintenance: how I got so good at saying I feel bad

Ok, so I just got off my weekly therapy session, and it left me with thoughts of my experiences in hindsight, the things I've learned about myself after quitting social masking, and the "compliment" I keep getting that I'm so uncommonly articulate about my mental health needs and so good at advocating for myself. Fair warning, this is an unfiltered rant. I'm angry and tired, and I need to be angry and tired out loud for a minute.

Here's the secret trick: I'm not. I'm not articulate, or well spoken, or a naturally good communicator. I'm exhausted, and I'm fucking pissed off. I told my therapist it feels like all the social activities and groups that have been my stable foundation for the last few years are disappearing suddenly, and gave her an example of my most beloved D&D group and the two players whose private beef just forced us to take an indefinite hiatus. I told her that I reacted by flat out telling the one of them still talking to us that I'm very upset neither of them warned the group they were having issues; I'm not taking sides, and I'm not saying I don't want to be sensitive to the awful shit they're in right now, but thanks to the fact that I was blindsided by this I am now also in my own shit situation and they needed to have handled their commitment to their other friends better. She commended me, and asked how I thought I was able to build up the skill to tell someone something like that instead of distancing myself and losing the whole game and group I loved in the name of being sensitive to someone else. That's when it occurred to me, not for the first time, that professionals aren't used to dealing with patients who are this self aware and informed. Everyone I've had to go through on this journey, from my doctor to my psychiatrist to both my therapists, has reacted with shock and amazement that I know exactly what's wrong with me and how it can be fixed; "wow, how did you convince your PCP to get you on antidepressants so fast?" Because I was on them as a teenager and specifically know what to say when I ask for them— hey doc, I've had clinical depression since I was a kid, and I'm starting to have episodes of emotional distress and mild suicidal thinking that I can't handle. I was on Prozac years ago and I want to be put back on something now. "Oh, this outline you typed up and brought to our first psychiatry appointment actually covers everything I needed to ask you today. People aren't usually so well prepared!" I'm not, I've just been through psych, therapy, and CBT before and am already aware of a lot of the things you usually need to coax out of people, including the fact that I have memory issues and problems putting thoughts into speech, and I knew that if I didn't write all this and show it to you I wouldn't present as nearly half as bad as I am. "How did you know to tell your d&d friend how you feel? It sounds like you already have a lot of skills coping with things well" I didn't know to tell him shit, my other group just self destructed like a baking soda volcano because someone kept badgering me to 'share my feelings' when I kept telling them I was upset and needed to walk away from the conversation, which led to me running out of energy to filter myself and giving them exactly the angry, overreactive, barely cohesive essay of a rant they were demanding from me. I used up all my patience on that issue, and I'm fucking traumatized by this endless cycle of my friend groups breaking up over drama just when I was starting to relax and feel like this one was finally going to stick around, and at this point it's a matter of either not pretending I'm fine so we can all drift apart awkwardly in peace or putting myself in the goddamn hospital for the final emotional meltdown that has me screaming in the streets and ripping my skin off. I have not built up a skill, I have had my last defense torn down. Advocating for myself is now a matter of life or death.

To explain it metaphorically (because what's an ADHD brain without confusing metaphors that go on too long until they also don't make sense), I'll give the example that the human brain is designed to automatically force shut down your system if you don't sleep for long enough. In an act of self preservation, you will start experiencing involuntary blackouts as your brain forces you to give it the maintenance time it requires to keep you alive. When you've been physically exerting yourself nonstop for several days, you literally run out of power and just. Stop. Likewise, I feel that, at least for me, the mental/emotional system has its own system override to force you into resting and processing. I've been pretty much flooring it for the last 10 years— masking for a good 90% of my conscious time, forcing myself to fit a way of living that wasn't made for me because that's just what I was told was right, going it alone and without treatment because the trauma I was experiencing was still hanging over my head and silencing me, hopping from job to job every few months until I convinced myself the voice of my insecurity was coming from the people around me, studying the correct ways to have certain conversations ("how to ace a job interview", "how to lock down a sale", "how to impress people at parties", etc)— I have not truly rested in an emotional sense for...... I don't remember that I ever have, really. And it's all because when I was 6 and someone told me my brain isn't built right, I was taught that it was my responsibility to be ever-vigilant and critical of my own reality. It was my responsibility to stop mid argument and tell myself 'they don't understand why I'm upset because my feelings aren't proportionate to what actually happened. They must be right, and my feelings are usually lying to me.' my responsibility to hold it in around normal people, to put myself in time out when I get too passionate for the conversation, to parent myself out of temper tantrums and eating ice cream for breakfast and touching things that fascinate me.

I was never taught how to rest.

Making the recent decision to let myself be healthily unpleasant when I'm upset was a matter of my emotional state forcing me to take rest and heal myself. I have been seriously injured by bosses who not only expect, but require me to forgo my enjoyment of life and dedicate my entire soul to them, one too many times. I have been seriously injured by the sudden loss of entire support systems over some petty drama or miscommunication, one too many times. I am finally ready to give people the "honesty" they think they're asking for, not because I have built up confidence, but because I have lost the energy to hold back. My feelings aren't lying to me; it is a scientific, observable, undebatable fact that I am upset about something, and I am as entitled to voice that as everyone else. Yes, I feel upset more intensely than others do, and I can't always explain in a good way, but that is an unchangeable function of my mental illness that the right people who really want to be around me will do their best to be aware of. I am not going to take twice as much damage from things because you don't want to handle my needs. It's time for me to fucking rest.

the Social Etiquette server is currently offline for required maintenance. We kindly ask for your patience during this unexpected hiatus, and we apologize for the inconvenience. We hope to be catering to your emotions again very soon! ~ 💙

#adhd #mental disability #mental health #personal journal #personal experience #d&d #angry vent #therapy #catharsis #deal with it #motherfuckers #im done #im tired #i needed this so bad #feelings #upset #adhd emotions #self advocacy #speaking up #expressing myself #finally #remember to rest #take care of yourself #say how you feel #dont hold it in

[ao3feed-undertale1]

Maybe These Hands That Feed You Need You

read it on AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/51619825 by mewmewpilled "Hey, darling, I made you breakfast," was all he said. He didn't have to add the "I know you're depressed right now and it would be nice if you actually ate something", she knew it was there. Mettaton knew Alphys like he knew Chicago's whole book; that was, front to back. She mustered up a quick "you didn't have to" before he began his descent down the conveyor. "Got a tight filming schedule today. You know how it is." She knew. "Toodles," and Mettaton was out the door. Mettaton cooked for her more often than he talked to her, nowadays. She thought of the basement and the letters quickly piling up the space he used to keep his videos and the pancakes started to smell a lot less like pancakes and a lot more like rot. ~ Wherein Mettaton's habbits remain despite the horrible distance between him and Alphys, and Alphys keeps on livin'. Words: 3047, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English Fandoms: Undertale (Video Game) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: Other Characters: Alphys (Undertale), Mettaton (Undertale), Undyne (Undertale) Relationships: Alphys & Mettaton (Undertale) Additional Tags: Queerplatonic Relationships, Food as a Metaphor for Love, Depressed Alphys (Undertale), Brief suicidal ideation, Trans Mettaton (Undertale), they mean so much to me, oh the beauty that can come from two people with the same special interest, Dysfunctional Relationships read it on AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/51619825

#ao3feed #ao3undertalefeed #fanfic #undertale #undertale-fanfic