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icewindandboringhorror · 7 months

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There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.

#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz #ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and #then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc.#Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific #cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or #etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as #you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on #accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have #as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence #of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate #versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a #neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest #ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling #and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for #documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like #sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I #can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If #I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my #ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ??#Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be #accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor #focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it #were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan #that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is #some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my #kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means #i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m #in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in #one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability #& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER

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nozoroomie · 5 months

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I've had an emotional rollar coaster of the day but I did not expect myself to ugly cry when Rashawn started too during this ep.

#d20 #dimension 20 #Burrow's end #Rashawn Nadine Scott #Aabria Iyengar #for real tho. That was such great story telling and character moments #I've lowkey been waiting for something to happen wrt Ava and her comments and seeing Tula just pour her heart out #Ava say something #Then Vi just passionately coming to Tula's defense #God I'm crying as I type this #anyway I guess I'll be emo over stoats for the next 24 hours

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mwagneto · 3 months

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finished rewatching rtd era. literally took me uhm. two and a half months. in fucking shambles rn

#also 1.5 months of that were just season 4 eps. they're so. hngh.#it took me this long coz i can only watch like 1 rtd ep a day 2 at most. they're all so hdhdhdhd;;;; yknow..#the way it makes me cry HARDER every single time i watch it is fucking insane #like how am i getting WORSE. I've been watching it for like half my life at this point 😭#most miserable little guy ever created... houghhhhhgfhfhf☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️#I've been putting this ep off coz i needed to watch it on a day where i had the #energy to spend an hour or two crying so hard i get nauseous but I've been busy and tired 24/7 for months #uni and work and friends taking precious time away from my REAL job (being insane abt some guy on my screen)#dw lb #doctor who

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ereborne · 2 months

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Song of the Day: February 17

“DYWTYLM” by Sleep Token

#song of the day #Sleep Token really saving my sanity as we navigate this dark and uncertain time without an upgraded sibling singalong playlist #had to go out into the snow on under two hours' sleep to get groceries #(the farmers' market gave me kefir cheese so any amount of suffering would've been worthwhile but I couldn't know that at the time)#and getting into Nick's car knowing there was music I could request that he could play loud as he wanted and I wouldn't want to cry #I mean blessing isn't even a strong enough term. baking a cake for the Sleep Token guy (his name is Vessel) as we speak #anyway this song sounds incredible in the original and then so odd sung acapella. like singing a bass line just a couple beats repeating #polar opposite of my lady indie covers. a song rendered fully unrecognizable when I wander the house mumbling it to myself #the verses do alright I suppose but the chorus is out of the question. the lyrics are so strong too real gut-punch lines #'and my reflection just won't smile back at me like I know it should / and I would turn into a stranger in an instant if I could #and there is something eating me alive I don't know what it is / maybe not that you conceal your feelings they just don't exist'#the whole song is like that it is so so so good. every new Sleep Token song I hear I'm like oh of course yes I see why these are fic titles #(Sleep Token catching up to Fall Out Boy and Hozier in terms of lines I've seen as fic titles. I mean we are really getting up there #and I am definitely not immune. if/when I put up those fanmixes y'all are gonna be seeing some Sleep Token let me tell you)#edit: it stands for 'Do You Wish That You Loved Me' I just realized I never said #didn't even pick lyrics that include it which is nuts when you realize that every verse does twice. whoops

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davy-zeppeli · 7 days

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I feel fucking horrible

#every now and then the feeling of complete and utter despair and devastation hits me and it's awful #I've been crying for an hour #ex walked in and said “you alright?” and when I said “yeah. great.” he just fucking walked out. don't ask next tine.#time*#I'm just lost man #I've managed to lose 2 partners and then managed to get fucking swept to the side by the next guy who showed interest #I've got no friends in real life who I can talk to and not get a fucking lecture from or anyone who cares in person #i wish there was more I could do but what am I meant to do? I feel like shit. I'm being ignored by most people #and the few who do pay attention don't care about what I'm going through or have a fucking go at me #can someone tell me what the fuck I'm meant to do? what have I done wrong here? what have I done to deserve all this?#why am I sat here on my own crying and wanting to kill myself and my ex and the guy I liked are out enjoying themselves. why can't I do that #i have nothing man #me #ramblings

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cervidaeic · 1 month

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vent in tags.

#tw sui/cide ment #i miss being in hospital maybe it's time to end up there again. poses cutely.#but i can't handle seeing my mom cry. my dad personally doesn't give a fuck.#i don't even think my mom told him i've tried three times. either she hasn't told him or he just doesn't bring it up with me.#three times? yeah. embarrassing to fail thrice.#how do you come back from that.#you do a fourth time. 👍#hopefully it works the next time i decide to get freaky with it (try again).#maybe euthymia is ending for me. it's been decent for so long i struggle to tell what state i'm in?#i would rather be manic honestly.#<- no the fuck you would not. i always want to commit especially when i'm manic so maybe not after all.#i kind of love talking to myself in tags. this is addicting.#i want to slit vertically so bad but i can't handle my mom finding my body.#also i can't let her down. she thinks things have been going so well.#anyway. i have an attempt to get to. (half joke)#am i joking? maybe. am i being serious? perhaps.#i'm just tired.#ok i'm done venting i'll go get to it.#update i just checked i've been on a steady decline downhill for 2 hours maybe euthymia is over for real.

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irl-magicalgirl · 9 months

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#personal #...#this is the second time I've lost a friend to drowing in a large body of water while they were with a group and got separated...#we just received confirmation his body was recovered at 9:30pm. it's currently 12:40am.#we had formal and informal searches ongoing since yesterday afternoon...#I was out hiking along the river with different seaech groups all day today...#I'm really tired and just need to put my feelings into the digital void i guess since I don't really do actual social media #i managed to mostly keep myself together the whole day and focus my energy on the search #i even held it together when the sheriff updated us and confirmed they were retrieving a found body #but once I got home and saw the updated news segment with his photos and heard the news caster say his name and death... i fucking broke #I've just been crying on and off the last 3 hours because my brain keeps rapidly flipping between feeling surreal and feeling very real #i wish there was more i could do. i wish this wasn't happening again.

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pupgzut · 7 months

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i don't want to go to school tomorrow

#vox saying stuff #I've been crying for two hours non stops #I just cant w life today #I just wanna rot in my room for a few days #sincerely thinking aboht skipping school #nothings feel real

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powerup-the-revolution · 7 months

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curing my depression by spending my latest paycheck on concert tickets

#it was coincidental that they both launched the presales on the same day haha #crying sobbing rolling on the floor!!!!!#i've spent SO many hours crying to keane songs. can't wait to cry live!!!#and mika is a classic but the last 2 times it was a festival playlist #this time it's him and only him :'))))))#literally mika is the one who made me Feel the most this year. i can't even put words on it #i've been so dead inside for so long not feeling any joy but when i saw him at the 24h of le mans man....#my heart was beating!!! for real!!!

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candydos · 1 year

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i am genuinely so unmedicated (babygirl)

#vent #long one in the tags below #had a series of breakdowns over the past 4 days.. lowkey struggling with delusions and hearing things that aren't true/real #and straight up dissociating to the point where i dissociate when i drive (it gets dangerous when i can't See cars but i know they're There)#was freaking out the other week because i kept hearing a sweeping sound but no one is sweeping but it's so loud in my hear #and like someone's whispering while i practice guitar at night or i feel paranoid #i had to step out of class the other day for 1h+ because i was having some episode #i wake up and i cry but i don't know why or what for #i think everyone's lying to me.. i know we're all friends but everyone is lying to me #i feel like an imposter in someone else's life.. and i'm unable to live up to the standards required #i've been physically sick for the past month (cough and colds)#i'm perpetually tired.. i've started to have more violent thoughts and it scares me #oh sometimes my brain forgets how to read..#it's all quite terrifying i don't know how to act normally when life is frightening to live #i'm losing touch with everything i once enjoyed.. drawing and making music are harder for me now and i miss that feeling #im sorry i'm quite out of it..#i have a report due in an hour.. i will go finish that #I am not happy with who I am. i don’t know who that’s supposed to be anymore

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harrylights · 1 year

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gonna get sappy here for a hot sec (quelle surprise)

#i just had therapy #well #like an hour ago now #and it started off rocky but we made a list of all the changes/improvements i've made since around this time last year and holy fuck #it's so weird that it rarely feels like i'm making progress bc things can still be really hard sometimes #but at the end i was crying bc i was like damn?? i'm actually Doing It???#things may not be perfect but i am healing!!!! mostly on my own!!!!!!!!!!!#the list got way longer than i expected it to be #and i'm gonna make a nicer looking one and put it up on my wall so i like #remember #bc so often i dismiss changes ik i've made that i don't give enough credit to and get sad that i'm not doing better than i am #but bitch!!!!! i've come so far #and as much as a lot of this healing needs to be attributed to me bc i've been the one holding my own hand through all of this #i CANNOT emphasize enough how much having this sweet lil community has meant to me #especially in the last month or so #time takes time to heal it you can't do it by yourself is REAL #as much as i try not to rely on anyone else for my own recovery etc etc #yall brighten my day sm #just by being u #so thank u #idk if anyone is gonna read this but idc #tysm <3 #ily

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canongf-archive · 2 years

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Baby,

I don’t know when you’ll find this note since I hid it so well in one of those little pockets of your purse, but I figure one day you’ll find it when you really need it.

You are the most beautiful angel I have ever seen. Sometimes when you’re sleeping in my arms, I have to pinch myself. How’d a guy like me ever get a girl like you? A girl so lovely, so smart, who makes me laugh the way you do?

Ok, I won’t put myself down too much. I know how much you don’t like that. But what I’m trying to say is that I’m in awe of you, every single day, with everything you do.

Whether we’re on a road trip to California, or sharing a bag of chips on the couch, I’m always having the time of my life. I always thought it was kinda sappy when guys said their girlfriend was their best friend, but I get it now. Every day with you is more fun than the last, and making you laugh is my favorite thing in the world. You really are my best friend. And I love you more than anything in this world.

Anyway, try not to cry too much when you’re reading this okay? I don’t want you to blame me for messing up your mascara again. ‘Sides, I wrote this to make you happy!

Let me know when you read this ok? That way I’ll know to hide another note for you.

Love,

Your Eddie

E,

Sticking this note in one of the pockets of your vest with the hopes that you'll find it eventually and it'll make you as happy as it made me when I found yours. Happy enough to cry and ruin my makeup again like you told me not to, even though it's your fault for writing me such sweet things! You know I'm sensitive! But I am happy, I promise! Eddie, I can't even tell you how happy I am.

You make me happy. There's no one like you, Munson. You're passionate and kind and creative and smart, and I know you don't believe me when I tell you that but you are. You're brave and you're resilient and you're the funniest guy I know. Even with your worst jokes, nobody makes me laugh like you do. And you're pretty. Prettiest boy I've ever seen. You always laugh when I say that because it doesn't sound very tough, but I mean it. Your eyes are my favorite color and your smile could light up New York City. Sometimes I have to pinch myself too because I can't believe I got you.

Everything feels so easy when we're together. It doesn't matter what we're doing, whether we're on the road or we're on the couch, as long as we're together, I feel like I'm on an adventure. I feel like I'm on top of the world, like nothing can touch me. When I'm with you I feel like myself.

You're my best friend too. You're my heart, my happiness, my rockstar, my partner in crime, and you're my hero, on top of it all. And I know you'll tease me later for being so sappy, but I don't care. I'm crazy about you. Absolutely, head over heels, butterflies in my tummy, can't think of anything but you, crazy in love with you, Eddie.

Can't wait to see you later and kiss you senseless.

Yours, Liv