#no happiness

[multi-fandom-imagine]

1:30am Sad blurb time:

{ based around this blurb }

<Spoils of course.>

Sukuna finding out that is wife, his love, his soul mate was reincarnated. He saw you through that brats eyes.

{ of course the brat knew you, of course you were smitten with him too }

That smile, god he missed that smile, that laugh. He had to keep you safe, he had to keep everyone away from you

From tainting your innocents

He was smiling down at the destruction that he created. But why did something feel off? No it didn't feel off, it felt like a piece of his soul was torn.

Where were you?

Then he started to run, through the rubble then finally where he felt you the most.

There you were, laying motionless. He would have thought you were sleeping.

But you weren't....you were dead. The coldness seeping through your body was what gave it away, not being able to heart your heart beat cemented the fact.

A pained cry spilled from his lips, he didn't know if it was from that brat or himself.

Why were you here? You should have been safe! You shouldn't be near Shibuya. Itadori made sure of that! But that's when it hit him, he didn't even see the other small bodies. The thick smoke in the air.

You were protecting them?

He drew you in close to his chest, you were so cold but you still held that damn smile on your face. Why were you smiling?!

Why were you fucking smiling when his world just crumbled.And he knew, he could feel that brats anger.

That he could not blame the villagers, the people of this city for your death.

No the only one he had to blame was himself.

He had his second chance, a chance to not repeat history but he snuffed it out.

You were gone and nothing will bring you back.

He will never hear your laughter, he will never see you smile. He will never feel your warmth.

His soulmate, his life, his love was dead and it was all this fault.

A/n: annnnnd it's now 2am! Goodnight!

#yuji itadori #sukuna x y/n #sukuna x you #sukuna x reader #sukuna #jjk x y/n #jjk x you #jjk x reader #jjk #jjk spoilers #jjk sukuna #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #jujutsu kaisen sukuna #angst #no happy ending #no happiness #blurbs #blurb

[corynation]

Ink

theo nott x reader

tags : angst, sadness, i love him i promise

His owl to meet him at the astronomy tower wasn’t a worrying moment. His usual “amore mio dolce” greeting melting your heart instantly. Without any fail each time you saw it the same fuzzy feeling in your chest accompanied by the burning of your cheeks arose. His heart at the bottom of the letter sending flutters that coursed throughout your body, pure bliss consuming your brain, leading you to rush to get ready. Throwing on your favorite sweater of his and some leggings you headed out quick, not wanting to keep him waiting for long. Your body perfectly magnetic to him, aching to attach to him, tugging you further and further through the castle as fast as you could.

Theo stood against the railing, looking out amongst the lake. The moonlight casting down on him perfectly. Messy soft curls shining, skin glowing against his white button up. He turned around at the sound of your footsteps, his eyebrows knitting as if he wasn’t expecting company, demeanor instantly softening the moment he saw your smile.

“You sure don’t waste much time.” He grinned, walking towards you and grasping your waist.

“I missed you.” You whispered, arms wrapping around his neck. “Haven’t seen you in a few days.”

“I know,” He began, his voice softening in remorse. “I’m sorry cara, my father called me home.”

Your chest tightened. His father didn’t often call him home, and when he did, well it wasn’t for any reason out of love to say the least. A hand fell from his neck to his chest, gently rubbing comforting circles, instinctively knowing he needed it.

“Is everything okay?” Your question was softly asked, not knowing if this was territory that should be touched.

“Of course,” He smiled warmly as his hand caressed your cheek, trying to ease your concerns. But, as always, you saw past the smile, his eyes telling you everything you needed to know. They had been still and cold, sunken into his skin with a purple tinge, his eyelashes stuck together like they had recently been wet. “just some family business. Nothing to worry about.”

“Theo,” You began, trying to push him.

“Hey, don’t worry about it alright? Everything is okay.” He placed a gentle kiss to your lips, holding you so close to him like you were the only thing allowing him to live. Kissing you so deeply as if you were his air. It was intoxicating. Wiping your brain clear, your body becoming warm and tingly.

He pulled away from you slowly, resting his forehead on yours, breathing you in as much as he could. Perfume invading his senses driving him half insane. He held you as close as possible, needing this moment with you needing you.

“I missed you so much.” Theo sighed against your lips. His soul finally able to rest around you.

“I missed you too.” You smiled, grabbing his forearms to pull his hands away from your face.

The further you pushed his arms away the further his cuff fell loose, slowly snaking down his arm. A flash of black on his skin caught your eye, your eyebrows furrowing tightly. Theo hadn’t mentioned a new tattoo, but then again he had been with his father so it very well could’ve been anything other.

“Theo what is-“ A gasp fell from your lips, your grip on his arm collapsing as you got a better look at the mystery ink. Your chest tightened as your heart sped up, basically pounding out of your chest. His eyes met yours with nothing but fear, his body freezing in the moment. The both of you staring at each other like statues across the museum galley from one another, time standing still, the world becoming silent around you.

Theo tugged his shirt cuff down, his hand finding your shoulder with a tight grip. “Y/n its not what you think please.” He pleaded, his eyes beginning to swell.

“Thats a dark mark Theo.” As if it wasn’t obvious. But it was all you could say. Your brain only comprehending the fact of what it was, not what it meant. You couldn’t see past the object, past it being on his skin. Theo’s dark mark. Theo’s dark mark.

You’d never seen one in person before. Never even come near to someone who had been a part of that. Sure you’d come to terms with knowing you were soon to run into one, probably having to fight for yourself. But never in a million of those thoughts did you think the person who you saw the most would have one. The one person who despised the look of it the most.

The sting in your stomach wasn’t from the fact of, but for Theo. God knows how often he thought about the inevitable moment his father would force him to do it. How in the few moments of vulnerability he’d breakdown in your arms, worrying he’d turn out like one of them. That he’d be one of them.

It was one of his biggest fears. Oftenly keeping him up at night, instinctively making him claw at his own skin like a rabid animal. Feeling as if he didn’t belong in the flesh that oh so closely resembled those of who he feared the most. He never wanted to turn out like them. Like his family.

Like his dad.

“I had no choice. I had to do it.” He choked out, his voice thick. His gaze fell from yours. Cheeks scrunching and eyes narrowing in attempt to hold back tears.

“Oh Theo,” Your voice was barely a whisper as you threw yourself against his chest, holding his head down into your neck. His arms wrapped around you tightly, chest heaving sporadicly. You felt the tears fall onto your skin, his walls breaking down faster than he was prepared for.

But he wasn’t prepared for any of this.

“I had no choice, I’m so sorry.” He kept repeating through sobs, barely able to catch his own breath. His grip around you never wavering once. You held him close, rubbing his back gently and stroking his hair to try and stabilize him.

“I know love I know. I am so sorry they made you do that.” You whispered in his ear. Peppering kisses where you could without moving his face from your shoulder.

“I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be like them.” His voice is what broke you most. Never had you heard it so coarse, his throat raw from the choked sobs leaving him. “I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this.” He continued, his voice weaker. His voice was giving up. He was giving up.

You let the silence around you two swallow you. The words that should be said not coming to mind, hoping your touch was enough to replace them.

What does one even say in a moment like this?

Theo’s grasp on you loosened, his hands falling to your sides as he backed away from your embrace. Concern consuming you as you watched his face tighten, the facade of a cold and distant Theo appearing.

It felt like a dagger was stabbed in your stomach.

It all felt like a dagger to your stomach.

But this, this part of him returning after spending so long trying to break him free of it whilst around you. That is what brought you to your breaking point.

Anger and hatred coursed through your veins, your blood boiling at the mere thought of what you wanted to do to Theo’s dad.

“You need to leave me.” Theo’s voice was cold. Direct. His fingers digging into your skin, holding you so tight, not wanting to let you go despite his words.

He didn’t want any of this.

“No, don’t you say that.” The dagger was turning, your body screaming in pain.

“It’s better for you.”

“You don’t really believe that.”

“You aren’t safe with me!” His voice raised, his anger about the whole situation finally coming out. His face softened as your body grew frigid, apologetic hands holding your face. “This, this changes everything. You know what they do, what they go through. I can’t put you in that danger.”

“You aren’t going through it alone Theo. I’ll be fine okay? I can hold for my own. We’re going to figure this all out together.” Your hands found their place above his, fingers interlocking.

“I won’t sacrifice your safety. I love you too much to let this affect you in any way.”

“And I love you too much to let you do this.” His eyes searched yours, trying to find something to tell of the future.

“Y/n please.”

“Theo! Listen to me! Im not giving up on us over this! Some part of us knew this would happen at some point. I understood it when I went all in. And Im all in! I’m with you in this! Let me be with you through this!”

“You’re going to end up hurt.” A stray tear fell down his cheek, eyes pleading to you.

“And I’m willing to take that risk. I’d crush my soul over and over again if it meant I’d get to have my happiest days with you. I will sacrifice my being for you to be the one I take my last breathe seeing.”

Theos eyes scanned your features, uncertainty washing over his face. He took a deep breath before pulling you close, lips smashing into yours. The kiss was hungry, passion filling you both whole. His touch burning into you, souls intertwining like the stars within a galaxy, dancing with each other under the moonlight. He pulled his lips away, just barely brushing over yours as he spoke.

“I’m so sorry ciccina.” And he was off. His gaze straight, never turning back to you as he walked into the tower, the door closing behind him with a loud bang.

You stood frozen, eyes blurring and legs weakening. Your mind completely blank of any thoughts just knowing you were hurt. So deeply indescribably hurt. A piece of your heart off and away without any hesitation.

Theodore Nott, the reason for your hearts beating, breaking it away from you, his grasp on it tight. That piece always belonging to him. Haunting him of the memory of you. His two demons interacting within the same night, both forever stuck with him until his last breath.

gonna be honest this once had a happy ending but then i got stuck and was like nah

ANYWAY FIRST HARRY POTTER FIC LETS GOOO

#theodore nott x reader #theo nott #no happiness #harry potter #thoughts #im sorry #x reader #maybe part 2 #theo is literally my husband im sorry #first harry potter fic #do we like

[otakubimbo]

Hey! Can I request for an angst romance with the very first sentence prompt with Satoru? They break up but Satoru refuses to believe that it actually happened and that it was only a joke. Like, he is in denial about it.

Hi anon! You're my first official request so thank you! I hope I did this prompt justice for you. My heart hurts.

angsty romance prompt. "tell me it was a lie, tell me you're playing with me right now "

Warnings: None really, just angst and no happy ending, which yes is so unlike me but we ball! I didn't proof read cause it made me sad writing it.

“Tell me it was a lie. Tell me you’re playing with me right now!” Satoru’s voice was at a higher level than it should being at this café. The people around pretending not to be easy dropping on the conversation that you and the man across form you were having.

“Lower your voice, people are staring.” The hushed tone of your voice, attempting to not betray the facade you were putting on.  This wasn’t easy for you, breaking up with Satoru Gojo, if anything you were breaking your own heart.

“How do you expect me to react when my girlfriend brought me out to lunch to break up with me?!” His tone is harsh, in a way you have never heard before. You flinch at his abrasiveness, making him shrink back into his chair.

Satoru’s anger and disbelief confuse you. It was as if everyone saw the signs of this impending breakup but him. The relationship had been going downhill for some time now, how could he not see that? How could he not see what he was doing? How couldn’t he see what it was doing to you?

After a year and a half of dating, you told him, you told him you loved him and you meant it with every fiber of your soul. It had been six more months since then and he never said it back. You were understanding at first when he didn’t say it back, albeit hurt a little but you knew at least a little of his past and what he has gone through. You could understand that it may be hard for him to tell you he loved you, you knew he loved you because of the way he cared for you and that was enough.

Well, you thought it was enough. After your confession, Satoru didn’t immediately become distant, but it started with small things. He stopped texting you good morning and would only say good night. The small touches, the holding hands, and the comforting hugs became few and far between. Any time you brought it up, he would play it off like nothing was wrong, everything was fine. Then it became as if the two of you were barely even friends, it seemed he was always busy as if he never had time for you anymore. And it hurt, it hurt like hell and even then you kept pushing it off just hoping he would tell you what was going on behind those piercing blue eyes of his but he never did.

That’s what lead to today, the day of your 2 year anniversary. Truthfully, you hadn’t even planned on breaking up with him today but when you sat across from him in the same café that you had your first date at, his eyes never met yours. He didn’t hold your hand across the table, he didn’t kiss your forehead on his arrival, he wasn’t your Satoru.

You could feel the tears threatening to spill as you looked up at him, “Do you know what today is? Or why I asked you here”

His jaw tightened, “It’s Tuesday and I don’t know maybe because I’m your boyfriend and we go to this café a lot.”

Is this all a joke to you? Was he just a joke to you? He knows he hasn’t been the best boyfriend lately and that he’s been a bit distant but that wouldn’t make you break up with him. Would it? You were too kind, too patient, too pure for that, right?

“This is the café that we went to on our first date, two years ago.” You aren’t even facing him anymore when you say that, just reminiscing on a time when it felt as if you were just two kids in love. Satoru froze, not even realizing that he had forgotten. He had been trying so hard to keep you at an arm’s length after your confession that he had seemed to just push you away.  He didn’t even say anything as you turned to him, tears threatening to spill down your beautiful face at any single moment. What had he done?

“Do you even love me, Satoru?”

The question hung in the air, making his mouth go dry. He did, he loved you more than he should and that was the problem. His love for you scared him, you scared him. You didn’t know the power that you held over him; you made him weak. You were his weakness. But he was the strongest, he couldn’t afford a weakness, but he wasn’t strong enough to let you go either. Now here he was, unable to speak the words that have been written into his heart from the moment he saw you.

With a sad smile, you take his silence as your answer gathering your things and leaving you there. His heart shattered as he watched you leave out of the door, fading from his vision. Satoru’s worst fear came true, the strongest was defeated, the strongest was broken by you and it was all his own fault.

#jjk gojo #angst #jjk #jjk x reader #gojo saturo #gojou satoru x reader #gojo x reader #gojo satoru #breakup #heartbreak #no comfort #no happy ending #no happiness #emotionally distant #emotionally drained #jujustu kaisen #emotionally exhausted #emotionally immature parents #jjk fanfic #angsty romance prompts #dialogue prompts #writer prompts #writing prompts

[mysicklove]

I FOUND MY AIRPODS !!!!!!!!

#🔪 - mello talks too much #tears of joy #made my day #i’m so happy now #i was so sad without them #no music #no life #no happiness #RAHHHH

[kaiaden]

The Fall- Ninjago One shot

Summary: Lloyd falls in Crystalized, but there’s no elemental dragon to save him. 

Fic:

Lloyd knew what it’s like to fall. He has fallen over many times, both literally and figuratively. Heck, technically he skydived during the Tournament of Elements. But this was different. He heard Harumi screaming his name as he was knocked off the crystalized floating oni temple. Lloyd watched as the ground got closer and closer. He was terrified. Was this how he went out? Lloyd watched as some golden energy flew past him. Hopefully it wasn’t the Overlord destroying the elements of creation. Lloyd was recalling everything that’s happened in his 16 years of life. If it even was 16. It could be 17, or even 13. He didn’t even know. He knew what was happening. His mind was trying to find a way to survive through his memories as he was too useless to help himself in the present. Lloyd knew he didn’t have much time left. Even with his oni and dragon genes, he knew. Lloyd knew he was going to die. And he was terrified. Would it hurt? Would he feel anything?

Why him?

—

After a burst of energy waved through the city, the ninja looked around. “We’re not zombies!” Jay yelled happily. Everyone hugged each other. Then Jay spotted Harumi and glared. Everyone turned around and glared at the girl. “Where is Lloyd?!” Kai shouted. 

Harumi took in a sharp breath. “He…he was fighting the Overlord, when he entered his oni form.” Harumi managed to say, before the ninjas reacted to the news. 

“Sorry, but that doesn’t have to do with where he is now!” Cole yelled. 

“He fell.” Harumi said, all of the ninjas just stared at her in disbelief. 

“What do you mean by ‘he fell?’” Kai asked, his tone was filled with pain and a small amount of hope. Kai felt the back of his throat burn and close up. His stomach burned with fear and anxiety. 

“The Overlord blasted him off the temple. He fell just before the dragon appeared.” Harumi said, looking at the dragon.

—

The ninja spent hours searching for Lloyd, to no avail. Everyone was in shock at the whole situation. Kai and Nya were in the most pain. But they all felt the same. ‘Gain one, and lose one’. Just a year ago, they had lost Nya, and had just gotten her back, but now they’ve lost Lloyd. 

It’s not fair.

—

While the Ninja searched and searched, the pale white hand sticking out from the rubble went unnoticed.

//////

Its my job to make y’all cry :)

Have a good day my ocean waves

#ninjago #lloyd garmadon #ninjago lloyd #ninjago jay #ninjago kai #kai ninjago #jay ninjago #ninjago fanfiction #ninjago fandom #ninjago crystalized #angst #no happy ending #no happiness #Lloyd fricken dies #No fake outs here

[rayd3nnn]

Hi Ray🩶

I really loved your birthday fic. Like really fucking loved it.

I was wondering if I could ask for a no comfort angst with Ant or Rain?

My 21st is coming up first week of November and it will be another birthday in silence. As it was for the last 3 years so it just seems fitting. I'll probably just toast a drink to myself and have carrotcake again.

I will trade fucking anything for a slice of carrotcake. Including my soul.

No comfort you Say?…indeed I may. Happy early birthday, may this year be better <3. This is your birthday present from me :)). @cheekytofu

Character: Rain

Pairings?: none

Warnings: angst, no comfort, crying, self conscious Rain, insecurity, accidental self harm, self doubt.

Below the cut if you may <3

I’m so sorry it’s so short!!!!

“What’s wrong with me..?”

Tour was finally over, everyone was back in the Abbey working for the ministry. The Ghouls were relaxing after their long months of travel, and everything was full of energy…except for Rain.

Rain was in his assigned room within the Ghouls Den, not joining in with any of the festivities for after tour. Instead, he sat on his bed scrolling through social media…watching videos of past tours he was part of, and the one that had just recently passed. Judging himself on all the mistakes he’d thought he’d made.

His tail laid limply behind him, on the bed sheets. Usually his tail would be thumping with excitement after tour..he didn’t know what was so different this time. He kept watching videos, edits, reading people comments and harsh criticism, compliments, and even hate. Why was he doing this? He’d never done this before so why is he doing it now? The longer he kept scrolling and looking, the more time had passed.

He didn’t realize the time until he looked at the time on his phone, 4:33AM. He’d been scrolling since 9:15PM. How didn’t he realize how long he’d been awake? This isn’t normal…

“Fucking can’t do anything right now huh?” Rain muttered to himself, before he dropped his phone onto the bed sheets as tears welled into his eyes. “What’s wrong with me..?” He asked himself with a voice crack as tears finally began to fall out of his beautiful blue ocean eyes. He silently cried softly, although the soft cries turned into body wracking, shaking silent sobs. He leaned forwards and places his head onto his bed sheets incase he gets too loud, he didn’t wanna burden his packmates with some…he didn’t even know what to call it.

“You can’t do anything right.”

“Your a bass player and you can’t do that right either?”

“Can’t even go to sleep at a normal time.”

“Your not worth it.”

“You shouldn’t be here.”

Rains thoughts kept spiraling, and so did his cries. The longer Rain cried, the less he remembered from that night. Rain zoned out into his thoughts, not comprehending anything until he felt a sharp pain in his palms. He looked down, and noticed he’d never retracted his claws, and that they had pierced into his hands.

“Damnit..” Rain muttered through cries. He felt so exhausted, so drained. He didn’t wanna get up to clean his hands. He simply grabbed a tissue from his beside and wiped off the blood, grabbing a small rags that were also on his bedside and wrapping them around his palms.

Rain cried himself to sleep that morning, and nobody knew a thing.

#rain ghoul #angst #ghost fandom #ghost the band #nameless ghouls #ghost band #the band ghost #short fiction #short ficlet #i have a problem #birthday #birthday gift #light angst #no happy ending #no happiness #ghost ghouls #ghost bc #ghost #music #bass #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #idk man #idk how to tag this #happy birthday #raaaah #i love him #i love rain #poor baby #instruments

[sir3n-s]

Robin didn't cry when she had to tell the Harringtons that their son was dead. She didn't cry when they asked her to make a speech at his funeral because she was his best friend. 

Robin didn't cry when they lowered him into the ground. She didn't cry when she held Dustin while he cried. She didn't cry when she comforted the rest of the group. She didn't cry when she saw his parents fake crying over their son. 

Robin didn't cry as she went home and went to her room. She didn't shed a tear when she finally opened the box of some of Steve's belongings that she kept. 

Robin didn't cry as she took out Steve's favorite sweater and put it on. She didn't cry as she laid in her bed. She didn't cry as she remember how Steve got the sweater, the thrifting incident when she forced Steve to go thrifting with her and she saw the bright yellow sweater and bought it for him. She didn't cry as she remembered Steve buying her lunch after shopping and them laughing until they couldn't breathe and their stomachs hurt. 

Not until that moment did Robin cry. She sobbed into the emptiness of her room, the emptiness that her best friend, her platonic soulmate, could only fill. 

#robin buckley #steve harrington #angst #its just sad #no happiness #no happy ending #steve is dead #stranger things #platonic stobin #im sorry? #if u see a mistake no u didnt #its not there

[violaplayer1414]

Y'all, I give up. I can't do this anymore. I'm falling apart rn. I look like this rn ⬇️

#mentally unstable #mommy issues #depressing shit #sadnees #no happiness #angst

[peppermintdaze]

someone restrain me literally iccant

#angst writing #someone sedate me #no literally #zephloyd #zephloyd angst #hanahaki #hanahaki disease #writing #trolls floyd #trolls angst #i can’t believe i wrote this #sobbing #no happy ending #no happiness #the gays must suffer #character death #they’re in love <3 #but sad #trolls oc #trolls original character #trollsona

[youreternallover]

Small wip!

A small wip of a song one shot between two of my ocs, since I haven’t been posting much on here I thought why not. It’s a heavy wip! Mistakes all around. Silly gay people.

Song used for this one shot

“It’s nothing.” I kept to myself. Truth is, I wanted to stop those footsteps for a moment, but you’re gliding forward with such quick steps and I’m simply watching.

It felt like he was drowning that whole time, all the breaths he had taken felt like he could’ve choked on them any second. Swallowing after each breath to ensure it wouldn’t have caught in his throat, he walked on the brick path towards the stairs. Why didn’t he convince him not to go? To stay with him here. Why did it have to take so long for him to realise? Why just then? He cursed at himself, what a fool he was, he’d think.

On the last step, he had hesitated until he heard the all too familiar yell of his name, ‘Aspen!’, and there he was, Callum, his childhood best friend, the same one who was moving away today. His heart fluttered at the mere thought of his best friend. A small smile curved on Aspen’s lips in that moment as he had looked at the taller brunet, but it quickly faded when he noticed the small luggage by his side, that was when he remembered why he was there in the first place.

To bid goodbye before Callum would step foot on that wretched train that would take him away from the city they had grown up in.

“Yo,” Aspen spoke up with a strained smile on his lips, bringing his arm up and resting his hand in his best friend's brown shortish hair, ruffling it with a small laugh as Callum responded by mimicking his gesture and ruffling Aspen’s long black hair. Oh, how he had missed this.

He wished it hadn’t been under such circumstances, as it would feel the same as always, but now it felt overwhelmingly distinguishable.

Of course, Aspen had felt happy to see Callum like he constantly did, all the small butterflies he'd feel in his stomach, but in that moment it felt different, those butterflies felt wretched and he didn't know how to feel, he was bidding goodbye after all. He couldn’t know if his best friend would keep in contact like he promised. He didn’t know what the future would hold now that he wouldn’t be there.

Aspen barely noticed he was starting to zone out and only after hearing Callum’s voice did he snap out of it. The soothing sound of his friend’s voice. ”Hey man, you alright? Don't disappear on me now.”

“Mm, yeah I'm fine, you don't have to worry about me.”

On the last train, you board, leaving me behind, It departs on, slowly, and the ground slides away.

#✦*•oc post #silly gays #im not letting them be happy #xoxo #unmentioned ocs #I don’t even have them mentioned in my muse list #Either way #no happiness #Ikanaide #Song makes me cry each time fr fr #male x male #wip #current wip #may never finish this #Oh well #time to stop with the tags #TALK TO ME #i wanna make friends on here #Weeping #my grammar sucks ass don't look at me #I haven't written anything in ages #Youtube

[blossomanarchy]

I wrote a little something and now I’m feeling a tad sad skdkdkkd

#no happiness #just regret #skkssk #e&a

[amitheproblemyes]

Meet you at the Graveyard

Tucked away from prying eyes, far from prodding mysteries and judging parents Nancy sat. Back pressed against a thick tree, bark prickled and dug into her bare shoulders. The itchy and jagged sensation felt numb against the cool evening air. Brown locks curled against her pale cheeks, almost as pale as Robin’s as the much taller girl glanced away. She focused on the almost visible stars while Nancy focused on the withering grass. The two girls sat in echoing silence, dazed in the rising moonlight that covered Roane Hill Cemetery. Sleep deprivation sagged in their sunken eye bags, the weight of something heavy lingering in the back of their minds.

Nancy; a perfect, attentive and responsible young lady. Miss Popularity herself, hunched near rows of graves with a dirtied colourful vest tucked under her legs. A much cleaner denim jacket wrapped itself over her lap, keeping her legs hidden from the frigid cold. She looked tattered and tired; Barb, The Mind Flair, The Russians, Vecna… Barb. Smoke stringed from her fingertips, a half-smoked cigarette expertly fiddled between two thin and calloused fingers. It was almost ironic how tragic she looked.

When had her soft and delicate hands become so broken and bruised, when did her grip become so Iron cold. When was the last time she didn’t need a gun by her side to feel safe. The strength in her eyes faltered as she glanced over to Robin, whose chest pushed against her legs, arms sprawled across her knees only a few feet away from Nancy. The brunette’s lips curled into a thin line; hesitation, regret, and pain swam across her blue eyes.

Robin blinked, flickering her uninterrupted gaze away from rising, or well falling rocks in the sky to look back at Nancy obediently. Robin’s eyes reminded Nancy of Barb’s. The thought gagged her, a pang of guilt beating in her chest as she took another drag of the cigarette. Long and slow, filling her chest with something other than guilt, something easier - smoke muddled the uncertainty. For a few moments she felt calmer, more relaxed as she handed the cigarette over to Robin.

Their fingers brushed against each other as Robin took the not so sustainable substance from Nancy’s hands. The touch held for a second longer than it should have, a worried look in Robin’s peering eyes, a touch of concern and warmth in them. “Nance.” The light brown haired girl whispered, her voice quiet and raspy, the way she called her name was cloaked. Nancy couldn’t help by drag her eyes to lock onto Robin’s, a pleading look in her expression. This was the most constant peace she’d had in days, maybe weeks, maybe even months. Her and Robin had stumbled upon each other in the graveyard, both on seperate missions, both needing a minute to rest. They talked for a bit and then quietly waited, night came and went and so did they. It happened again, and again, and again. Robin always stared at the sky.

Her eyes fixated on the passing of birds, or on a book she’d bring to keep her attention occupied. Nancy stared at the ground, as if waiting for something to grow, or something to break again. Some part of her always predicted tragedy, so she waited. Robin would always get her stars, or clouds, or a bleak sky. Nancy would watch the grass sway and stutter in place but no breaking. It became a routine for them to meet at the graveyard, maybe the two would talk, maybe they wouldn’t.

The comfortable silence comforted her, cradled her, harboured her. The feeling mirrored how she felt when Barb was here. When she felt safe “Nance…” Robin repeated with more desperation, a softer tone almost imitating a whimper.

“Robin.” The name came out firm, cold and still. Nancy forced herself to keep an even gaze on Robin. Nancy watched Robin take a quick puff, she didn’t need it as much as Nancy did, or maybe she did. Maybe it just wasn’t her poison. Nancy didn’t bother to ask, didn’t bother with small talk. It felt empty at this point. With everything they’d been through, not only separately but together, someone could write a godam book about how traumatised they were. Vecna had thoroughly messed her up inside. And with Max in the state she’s in, Nancy felt like she failed. A gnawing sensation of guilt clawed its way back, this time with a vengeance. Robin flicked the ashes onto the ground, an unreadable emotion had flashed across her face when Nancy spoke her name. If she was in her right mind, not so tired and smoke filled, Nancy would’ve spoke slower maybe a bit kinder. “Nance… I’m not her. I’m not Barb.” This time Robin’s face turned away, trying to hide from Nancy’s widening eyes.

“I know.” Now her brain started to buzz with the chill of the air grabbing at her arms and neck. Her cheeks tinted with a rosy pink, she snapped forward as she uttered those two words. Not in anger, not in irritation but in desperation. The same desperation that Robin spoke her name with. The same desperation she spent countless nights awake scouring for any piece of Barb she could find. Robin bit her lip, brows knotting into a scrunched up pained look, dropping the dimming cigarette on the ground as her knee snuffed it out and dug into the grass. Nancy’s eyes watered, her lips continuing to purse into an apathetic line, she watched patiently whilst Robin leaned forward on her knees to close the comfortable distance they had maintained.

Robin’s hand rose to hover near Nancy’s cheek, with one knee planted, kneeling in front of a broken down Nancy Wheeler. Robin was the one who always talked in their friendship, she would prattle on and on about anything and everything. Nancy had grown use to the aimless speaking, had grown to like it even. These silent moments always tricked Nancy, Robin was the bubbly and weirdly knowledgeable book worm who could always correct, annoy and praise her. Robin very lightly caressed a strand of dark brown hair, grazing Nancy’s cold cheek, the heat of her hand bleeding into the other girl. “Do you?” With wisps of almond hued hair falling messily in front of her eyes, Robin muttered the question, like a cry - for her to look at her, to see her for who she was.

Nancy thought that Robin wanted reassurance, that she wasn’t just using her as a replacement for her dead-best friend. It made Nancy flinch, the sudden realisation of everything crashing against her. Barb was dead, her corpse rotting in the hell’s cape that is the upside down. Nancy knew about Robin and Barb, that they used to be friends, that they were close until she met Barb and the dynamic changed. Shakily Nancy sucked in a strangled breath, leaning into Robin’s touch just a bit more. Robin’s hand was somewhat rugged, the handling of weapons had roughed her up just a bit, but she held Nancy’s cheek, so gently Nancy thought Robin might be scared of breaking her further. The crawling guilt subsided along with the smoke that cleared from her lungs. The girl in front of her gave her a tentative look, her gaze full of care and worry.

“I know. Robin. I know you aren’t her.” Something about her felt so safe, so annoyingly easy to be around. The two stayed there for a moment, a long quiet moment with rustling leaves accompanying the moment. And as Robin pulled away, getting ready to leave for the night, to end whatever it was they were even doing here - to cut it short again, Nancy relented. Her eyes fell back onto her lap, a hand loosely holding Robin’s hand. Nancy was silent, and Robin was patient. She didn’t shy away when Nancy’s eyes made their way back up to her, she was shaken but kept her composure as she begged for her to “Stay. Just a bit longer. Please.” Nancy croaked, her voice cracking as she spoke.

Tears finally fell from her eyes. A barrage of emotions silently spilling, and Robin was weak, weak for this girl who she hadn’t properly known for long but who’d been so strong and smart in her eyes. Robin let Nancy’s head fall against her chest, shifting her weight to sit with her legs crossed. With a hum Robin stroked Nancy’s head softly, soothing motions to contrast the chaos Nancy’s mind had conjured up.

“I’m so tired Robin.” She finally spoke weakly, drowsy and half awake against Robin’s chest. Nancy listened to Robin’s heart beat as she breathed in and out and the taller girl held her just a little bit closer. “I know Nance. I know.”

———

cri

I did not proof read this it’s 2am :P

#ronance #hurt/comfort #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #sadnees #sad prompts #i know no peace #smoking #barbra holland #80s #im sobbing #platonic #romantic #no happiness #stranger things fic #stranger things #stranger things wip #Spotify

[corynation]

Rumor has it

mark sloan x reader

tags: angst, thats about it tbh, im sorry in advanced

She, she ain't real / She ain't gon' be able to love you like I will

You’ve observed her closely, bouncy walk, the smile thats brighter than the sun when it rises. You’ve memorized the notes of her perfume, studied the way her hair is always perfectly done, never out of place. Noticed how perfect she is, in every way possible. Of course he’d fall for her. Hell you’d began to think you were falling for her too. She was young and beautiful, smart and outgoing, innocent and naive. Everything you weren’t.

Nothing had been the same between you and Mark since Lexie Grey had come to Seattle Grace. At first you loved Lexie, admired her. You had been on the same service as her on multiple occasions, and each time she outshined everyone around her. She was diligent and ambitious, the perfect example of what a surgeon should be.

She is a stranger / You and I have history / Or don't you remember

You and Mark had been dating for a few years now, ever since he first came to Seattle Grace. Your relationship had been near to perfect. There wasn’t a time where the romance between you two felt off, from Sunday night dinner dates where you’d cook together, to finishing late night lab work at the hospital together. He was everything you dreamed of in a man, and you only hoped he felt the same about you.

Lately there had been less late night lab work together. Instead you’d get a call from Mark, him apologizing for the workload and telling you not to wait up for him at home. Sunday night dinners still happened. In fact it was one of the few things you held onto to believe in the fact that Mark was still in love with you. That you were the one he wanted for the rest of his life. You were the girl he’d be doing Sunday night dinners with until his last Sunday on earth.

There was this look to Mark, one that you could never mistake for anything but complete adorn. It wasn’t the Mark Sloan look he was known for, the one where his smile would crook and his eyes would gleam with mischief. This one made a softer man of him. His eyes would soften, his mouth would part just a smidge as his lips curled into the perfect gentle smile. That was the look he gave to you every time he saw you walk into a room. You’d recognize it from anywhere. It became your favorite part about Mark because it was owned by you. You were the only one who got that look from Mark.

That is until the day Lexie was paged into you and Marks surgery. The second the doors burst open and a smiley Lexie appeared you saw the tense of Mark dissolve, his eyes soften and glow, and you just knew that under his mask your favorite gentle smile had appeared.

That day you had to step out of your surgery to puke.

She is half your age / But I'm guessing that's the reason that you stayed

“I don’t know Callie it’s just the way he looks at her. Every time I see him look at her I physically feel ill.”

“You don’t think he’s cheating on you with her do you?”

“No, not at all. I know he wouldn’t do that. But I know he doesn’t know how to stop his feelings either, and I just-“ You groaned as your palms met your forehead. “I can feel him slipping away from me you know? Like he’s there with me physically, but emotionally he’s with her. And I get it, she’s shiny and new and I’m just,”

“Y/n no,” Callie began, her fingers wrapping around your wrist in an attempt to grab your attention.

“I’m just dull to him.” You turned to look at your best friend, her face riddled of pity. It was near the same look she gave families when there was nothing more she could do for a patient. As much as you wished there was a way to somehow extract all feelings Mark had towards Lexie and inject them into someone like Alex, there would never be enough shooting stars or candles to grant that. “I can feel the love fall from him Callie. Like there is this string connecting us and someone is slowly sawing at it with a god damn scalpel.”

“Ironic you say scalpel because-“ Callie started before you shot her a look that shut her right up. “yep too soon sorry.”

“What do I do here Callie? How do I keep going to bed at night with him knowing he’s in love with someone else?” The familiar burn of tears began as you wiped your face not prepared to embrace a whole breakdown this early in the morning. As upset about the situation as you were, you were not going to start crying over it in the middle of the hospital that you work at, let alone the hospital both Mark and Lexie work at.

“You need to talk to him y/n. It’ll ease your mind I promise.”

“Oh says the one who stayed with her husband when she knew he cheated.”

Callie snorted at your remark, starting a break out of laughter between the two of you. It felt nice to laugh during all of this. Made you feel lighter.

“Y/L/N!”

I heard you've been missing me / You've been telling people things you shouldn't be

Your eyes met Dereks. He was practically running to the nurses station where you had been sat with Callie. The two of you shared a glance, hinting to Callie it was best if she went on with her day. She smiled knowingly, patting your shoulder as a farewell and went off past Derek. By his furrow of a brow as Callie passed him you knew she’d given him a warning look, you giggled to yourself. If there was one thing about Callie you appreciated the most, it was her protective nature towards those she loved.

“I need to talk to you.” Derek grabbed your arm, leading you to an on call room. Your quick moment of glee dissolving in an instant.

“What is this about Derek?”

“Mark.”

And suddenly you felt heavy again.

The sound of the door to the on call room closing ran through your ear. Drowning out any other noise. Your throat felt tight and your stomach empty. You definitely had to puke, or faint? Maybe both. Something. You had to do something to get out of this conversation.

“What’s going on between you two?” Derek questioned, his hands placed on his hips.

You were silent at first, your body still in fight or flight mode, though unfortunately for you that happened to also be shut down mode. Not much fighting or flighting.

“I’m sorry?” Was the only thing you’d managed to choke out without spilling your guts to the best friend of the man you’d been worrying about.

Derek sighed rubbing his forehead. “Mark thinks you’re cheating on him.”

“He thinks I am cheating on him.” You scoffed, in total disbelief at the stupidity of that man.

“I told him he was stupid for thinking that.”

“Damn right he is. What else did he say?” At first you were just angry, as you should be, but now you had just been curious. How could you possibly be the one cheating when you were the one trying to keep the relationship stable?

“I really don’t think this is a conversation for us, you should speak with Mark.”

“Derek tell me. Now.”

He bit his lip, trying to decide which choice would be the best. “Fine,” he began, his hand pointing towards you, “but you better talk with Mark after. You two can’t keep ignoring each-other and your issues.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever I will.”

“He said you’ve been distant with him. Short with words, not wanting to be around him. Apparently you’ve left his service before because you had long surgeries with him?”

“Oh I’ve been distant. Thats rich.” Despite your efforts to hold it in, you started giggling over the words that came from Derek. Laughing to the point of tears you made your way over to the door, stopping before opening it. “Thank you for telling me Derek. You might want to keep your phone on silent later, Mark is probably going to bug the hell out of you.” And with that you left to go find the reoccurring talk of the hour.

Like when we creep out and she ain't around / Haven't you heard the rumors / Bless your soul, you got your head in the clouds / You made a fool out of me / And, boy, you're bringing me down

“Mark!” You yelled, finally catching the man you had searched practically the whole hospital for. He stopped almost instantly, turning around and flashing you that look he used to.

“You’ve been ignoring me.” He smiled even saying that, his eyes were still soft and he grasped your shoulders with such care and love.

It almost made you mad how he greeted you. The whole action gave the same feeling it used to before you had ever even began to question his integrity.

“I know I’m sorry.” You smiled back at him, no matter what was going on in your mind you couldn’t help but embrace what love he had for you, what love you had for him. It was warm, familiar. Almost made you question yourself on if you had been going crazy this whole time. “Do you mind if we speak for a minute?”

“Yeah, I’ve got all the time for you.” There it was again. Mark being Mark. So charming and sweet, the man you fell in love with.

You led him to a nearby on call room, Mark instantly sitting against the desk as you shut the door.

“So, what is all this about?” The cheeky grin that spread across his face was almost enough to pull you into him. You knew what he thought, and to be quite honest the feelings you had bubbling in you weren’t beside that thought. But still there was a part of you that still knew you couldn’t give in. If anything happened between you and Mark in this moment you would never talk it out with him. Somehow this whole span of events with him today was almost enough to convince you he was only in love with you. And maybe he was, maybe you truly were just crazy and jealous of this poor girl. Though, the longing looks they’d exchange one another, and the hands that would stay by each other for unnecessarily long amounts of time told a different story.

“I just need to talk to you.” He pulled you into his arms the moment he was able to reach you, a small gasp escaping your lips at the suddenness.

“I think talking can wait a minute.” His words were whispered as he leaned into you, lips meeting yours. It was warm and comforting, your muscles relaxing at almost an instant. You were back into the harmony you knew so well, the one you’d been craving to feel for weeks now. Even if you had tried to pull away there was no chance you wouldn’t initiate a second kiss. The feeling that rushed through you was too addicting to want to back away. That was Marks Sloans specialty.

You both stayed like that for what felt like a life’s eternity in the best way imaginable. Really you wanted to stay like that forever. Safe and loved in his arms, the only one he was focused on.

Mark began to slowly back away, a soft smile stretching across his face. “That, was definitely worth waiting for.”

Simply nodding and smiling as a reply to him, you closed your eyes again, fully taking in the euphoria before the gates around your world would fall.

“Mark,” You began, taking a small step back from his embrace. If you wanted to get any of the conversation you had been planning in your head for days -figuring out every word you’d say, even practicing in the mirror a few times- out to him you were gonna have to ruin the moment. Rip off the bandaid.

“Y/n whats on your mind?” He was so sweet. So patient.

“You’re in love with her.” And there it was. Ripping off the bandaid. And god did the bandaid sting like nothing before. Watching his face fall felt like the world was slowly swallowing you, pulling you into the core. All oxygen leaving your body as you were pulled further, and further.

“Her?” His brows furrowed, eyes scanning your face for something, maybe a sign of who it was, maybe a sign that this was all a joke. To be honest you really couldn’t read his expression. It had been so blank yet so sorrowful, remorse and confusion settling together into one.

“Lexie.” And that was all you had to say before all confusion left him. It was as if you had flipped a light switch within him, Mark finally catching onto what was happening. “I’ve noticed Mark, I’ve noticed everything. You staying at the hospital late nights when she was on call, the lingering hands of you both. I’ve seen the way you look at her. It’s the same you used to look at me. You’ve favored her in surgeries, hell, you’ve favored her in meetings.”

“Y/n..”

“No Mark, listen to me. Maybe you haven’t realized this all yet, maybe you were oblivious to what was going on, but I wasn’t. God I wish I was Mark. I’ve spent so much of my life this past few weeks just thinking about you two, thinking about us. I haven’t stopped thinking about it all since I’ve first noticed you took an interest in her.” Hot tears started to trickle out your eyes, all emotions finally pouring. “I’ve torn myself to shreds over this. Thinking about what I could do to get you to notice me more, or even just less of her. Thinking of what I could do to get you to love me and only me again. Ive thought so low of myself these past weeks I could barely function as a surgeon. I’ve made myself a mess trying to fix yours.”

Mark studied you intently, trying his best to comprehend everything that was going on. He stood up coming back near you. His hands found your cheeks as he held you gentle as ever, cradling you like the most precious piece of gold known to man. “I’m in love with you y/n.”

“I know you are, I know Mark.” You sniffled, one of your hands matching his movement cradling his cheek. You tried to give him the best smile you could forcing every muscle in your face to follow suit, even if it was the last thing you wanted to show. “But you’re in love with her more.”

His face was one you’ve never seen before. Whether it was realization or just heartbreak, it tore you to shreds seeing him like that. But it tore you more to shreds being with him after everything, and you were down to your last bit of stability.

With a kiss to his cheek and a squeeze to the hand that was still on your cheek, you smiled at him once more, slowly backing away from him. “I love you Mark. I always will. But I can’t stand to see you love her too, and I don’t know if I’d ever forgive myself for staying with you any longer knowing you’re in love with someone else. You go get her, I’ll be okay. And you’ll be okay when she says yes to your first date. We’ll both be okay.” There was tears rolling down both of your cheeks. The room so thick of emotions it started to overwhelm you. Suffocate you further into heartache. You placed one last kiss to Marks lips, you both falling into it deeper than ever.

You slowly backed out of the kiss, wanting to let that be your last memory of you two. It was the rainbow after the storm, the calm after the chaos. With that as your farewell to the man you loved more than life itself, you walked out the room, closing the door behind you, feeling as if you had left your whole being in that room. Like a piece of your soul would forever be gone. Stuck inside that room with the piece of him that had broke.

Those two pieces though, would stay together. Pieced in harmony, placed in only the memories of you two. Something more than you could ever ask for.

Hiiiii :DDD im so sorry this is my comeback lol. Anyway i know this isnt the best, i have not written for a year, and this is also my first reader insert pov ive made so be nice pls🙏🏻

hope you enjoyed (or like arent super sad) <33

also my grammar SUCKS and grammer is so hard so do not even think about how many commas i used wrong okay? okay

#mark sloan #mark sloan x reader #greys anatomy #reader insert #female reader #lexie grey #angst #no happiness #im sorry #greys anatomy imagines

[nowayimdiesblog]

Suspicious

( Yuu went through overblot, depression and anxiety, but met Kalim as the only one who was happy and always bright)

Yuu:...

Ace: um Yuu, are you okay?

Deuce: you look a little weird when you're near Kalim

Yuu: in my life what I know is hopeless and miserable but meeting Kalim who is always full of positivity sounds so absurd

Yuu: Am I delusional? that's for sure hahahaha *laugh hysterically*

Ace and Deuce: ...

#ace trappola #deuce spade #twisted wonderland yuu #kalim al asim #life is hell #no happiness

[nthflower]

Girlies capitalistic system is beating my ass today

#i am gettin better but getting better means i cant fit into society and fitting means i need to get worse. #no happiness #wish i believed in heaven

[thatprocrastinatingpotato]

A fair warning before you go in; don't. I am so disheartened and cried so much during and after writing this that my mother almost asked me if I was alright. (Almost being the keyword)

Apologizes in advance. Like shit tons of apologies. You can count this as me punishing myself. But, again, apologies. (No happy ending here, sorry)

___________________________________________

Carina and Maya were a bit on the edge for the past few days. Carina went through different hormonal treatments which were causing a lot of mood swings.

Maya was very supportive. But sometimes, it got too much. That day, it got a bit too much. Carina and she were having little disagreements all through the day and she finally needed a break. She told Carina that she loved her and she is going out for a run.

She ran for a while before her body ached for her wife and she got back. Carina was in the living room, looking intently at the door and now at her. In a second, her eyes filled with tears.

“I am so sorry. I wouldn't…”

But before she could complete her sentence she was engulfed in a hug.

“There is nothing wrong. I am not mad at you. I admit that I needed a little space, but that was it. I want to be with you. Forever.”

Carina was still sniffling, but she finally looked at Maya, and she knew it was a genuine sentiment.

“Promise me you'll never leave.”

“I promise you forever, My love.”

_____________________________________

They found out about it on a rainy Saturday. Seattle was being Seattle that day. Maya just completed a 48 hours shift. Carina and she weren't able to spend a lot of time together in the past few days with their busy schedules.

When she entered the home, all the lights were off. For a second she thought her wife was not in the house. But then she heard soft noises coming from their bedroom and she went there.

Carina was sitting on the bed, looking at the wall in front of her, trying to keep her tears at bay. She had seen that look only once in her eyes and it was when Andrew died.

She sat in front of her wife and placed a hand over hers softly.

“What happened?”

Her voice was just as soft. As if she didn't want to break the semblance of the moment.

“I…”

Her voice was heavy. She breathed in and looked at the file next to her. She gently nodded, giving Maya permission to open it. 

It was a report. Maya was stressed out and couldn't focus on the papers in her hands.

“What does this say?”

“The other day I fainted in the hospital. Amelia ordered a blood test.”

Maya's hand clutched harder around Carina's.

“She suspected something was going on and ordered a few other tests and… uh… I am diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Stage three.”

Maya looked at her. She looked closely and saw how exhausted Carina looked. She wanted to scream and break things and yet all she wanted to do was to hug her wife and cry.

She chose to remain calm. Carina was going through a lot and she needed her to be there. To be her rock.

“What are the next steps? How can I help?”

Carina's eyes held a surprise at the calm voice. She had expected an outburst. Even an accusation as to why she wasn't informed about it all.

“I am scared, Bella. Will you please hold me?”

“Always.”

Maya finally stood up and she looked at Carina again. Her eyes were filled with tears. She gently wiped them with her thumb.

“We will get through this. Together.”

She assured her. She assured her and settled her on the bed and got in right after. Carina hung to her, and she pulled her even closer. She whispered soft nothings in her wife's ears as her cries grew louder. She rubbed her back till the cries turned to sniffles and it turned to soft snores.

She looked at the brunette in her arms and placed a kiss on her hair. Promising her to be by her side till the end.

_____________________________________

The next week went in a slight haze. Carina's cancer was aggressive. Way more aggressive than the doctors initially thought. 

Dr. Gray suggested that the most optimum option was a surgical intervention and Maya nodded her head along. 

The surgery was scheduled for Monday and Maya had a 48-hour shift before the surgery. She was thinking about the day Carina told her that she loved her for the first time. Her nose was scrunched and she was mad, but her eyes couldn't hold the facade. Her eyes said everything she didn't that day and even though Maya was terrified of her Italian rage, that day, all she wanted was to get yelled at by her.

She looked at the wall in front of her reminiscing all the good and the bad when an alarm brought her out of her slumber. She went on the scene and did exceptionally well. But her team may have noticed a shift in her mood.

So, Andy cornered her in the kitchen.

“What's going on with you?”

“What?”

“Maya, you have stopped yelling at people at scenes. You are freaking everyone out. Is everything…”

“Carina has cancer.”

She hasn't had the chance to talk about it at the station. She didn't want to talk about it if she was being truly honest. Telling people about it just made it real and she couldn't…

“What?”

“Aggressive pancreatic cancer, stage three.”

She couldn't believe her voice. No break, no crack, and eyes always forward.

“Maya, I am so sorry.”

“Me too.”

“No, Maya. If you need anything…”

“I don't.”

Maya knew she was being cold and distant. The old Maya was returning. But she needed her. The new Maya would break and cry and she didn't have time for that. She needed to be there for Carina.

_____________________________________

Throughout the day, she was finally able to tell everyone she cared about at the station about Carina's condition. Everyone offered her condolences and help, which she denied right away. It was the last hour of the shift and she was again laying down in her bunk looking at the ceiling.

She missed Mason. He would've been there for her. She always felt like she took him for granted and now those feelings grew tenfold because she felt that Carina's condition worsening to this stage was her fault. Only if she would've noticed the difference, maybe they would've been able to detect it sooner, get to it sooner.

But all she had in her hand right now was to wait.

_____________________________________

The next day, she and Carina were sitting on the bed, looking through a trashy magazine from the 1970s, laughing about something when Dr. Gray entered the room.

“Dr. DeLuca, your reports look good. Dr. Schmitt will be taking you to pre-op in a few minutes.”

Carina smiled and nodded at the blonde doctor. Amelia entered the room right after, wearing casual clothing.

“You didn't have a shift today, did you, Dr. Shepherd?”

Carina asked mischievously and Amelia looked at her with a glint in her eyes.

“No. I am here to keep Firefighter Barbie company.”

“Thank you, Amelia.”

Amelia smiled at her and Dr. Schmitt entered the room.

“Ready, Dr. DeLuca.”

She nodded and he started preparing her for the move. She stopped him for a second as he was going to roll her out and squeezed Maya's hand.

“Promise me.”

Her voice was heavy and Maya squeezed her hand back just as hard.

“I promise you forever, My love.”

_____________________________________

Maya sat in the waiting room with Amelia and Teddy. Her eyes never left the corridor where Dr. Gray would be coming out from. She rejected all the offers of any food or drinks. 

“I don't think Carina will appreciate you not eating.”

Amelia joked, but nothing. She wasn't in the mood to talk and no one was going to make her. She looked at the door for the longest while before Dr. Gray stepped out.

Her expressions did nothing to release the pressure Maya was feeling. Stoic and professional, she strode towards them and she stood up.

“The tumor was spread more than we had initially thought. I am so sorry, but we couldn't get clear margins. But, we have other treatment options…”

Maya wasn't listening anymore. For the first time since she found out about the diagnosis all she wanted to do was to cry. But, she couldn't.

“Can I see her?”

“Yes. She is in post-op. Dr. Schmitt will take you to her.”

The shorter guy led the way as she followed him, her mind void of any thoughts other than Carina.

She looked at her wife and the usually bubbly brunette looked very small and attached to all the machines. She sat beside her wife holding her hand and for the first time in her life she prayed. Prayed to someone, anyone who will listen to her to spare the love of her life. You can take anything else instead, she cried internally. Anything.

_____________________________________

The days after that were… difficult. Carina's health was rapidly deteriorating. The Nineteen squad was helping her in any and every way they could and she was thankful. 

But she missed Carina with every fiber of her being when she was at work. It didn't affect her performance but anyone who knew her knew that she had lost the fire, that passion that made Maya Bishop who she was. 

They came back to the firehouse and Maya wanted to be out of everyone's eyesight as soon as she could.

“Lieutenant Bishop!”

Chief Ross called her out.

“Yes, Chief.”

She calmly replied, turning back and looking at the woman.

“You do realize that you almost cost us a life today, don't you?”

Maya's eyebrows arched.

“You didn't inform anyone that Montgomery was going to walk in the…”

“Supply Room. I did. I informed Captain Beckett about it as soon as he approached the room. I was right there with Travis.”

“Is that right, Beckett?”

The guy just avoided eye contact and Maya noticed all eyes on them. She realized what was happening. She wanted to humiliate Maya in front of her peers to gain some false sense of superiority.

“I quit.”

She would've never thought about doing that in her life. But right now, nothing mattered. She didn't want to stay away from Carina anyway and Chief Ross had given her a brilliant way out.

“I will mail you my formal letter of resignation. But, I can not do this anymore. I cannot be a pawn in this game you, Sullivan, and Beckett is playing. I'm done.”

At that moment, she felt the weight of the world leaving her shoulders. She looked around at her friends and they looked disheartened at her decision. But she smiled, reassuring them.

“Maya, I am sure we can…”

Chief Ross started.

“Don't. Enough is enough.”

She stepped towards her bunk, leaving everyone in the room baffled.

_____________________________________

“Are you sure about your decision, Bella?”

Carina asked her. Maya told her everything as soon as she stepped into the house. 

”I have never been so sure of anything, Carina.”

“Then I support you in your decision.”

She placed a soft kiss on her forehead and Carina snuggled in closer to her wife.

_____________________________________

At her next screening, Carina's doctors told Maya that the Chemo was not working. The cancer was spreading rapidly and it had progressed to stage 4.

“Is there anything that we could do?”

Carina held her hand tightly. Maybe she knew something that Maya didn't.

“A few trials are going on for Pancreatic Cancer. I can pull a few strings and get you into one of them.”

“Yes.”

Maya answered. Before Carina could. Meredith looked at her asking for her confirmation. She looked at Maya and nodded her head in an affirmative.

“Let's do that.”

_____________________________________

The new trial was taking a serious toll on Carina's health. She was exhausted. Her body ached, she was always nauseous. Maya always went with her. She always held her hand throughout and told her everything was going to be fine. But, she hadn't looked at her in a while. Eyes forward.

She painted a picture for them. A picture in which they had a small house in the suburbs, had two beautiful little girls who had her eyes, and a dog. She told her how they would travel the world together, marveling at all the wonders.

The last straw was when Carina couldn't stand up anymore. The trial was not working and it was only making her weaker. 

The next conversation with the doctor was way harder.

“I don't think there is anything else we can do.”

Carina softly smiled. As if she had accepted her fate.

“But…”

“Please let me stop, Bella. Please.”

Maya for the first time in days looked at her wife. She looked at the pleading look in her wife's eyes. She nodded along with her.

“We will stop.”

She said, more to herself than to anyone else. All she needed to do now was to accept that maybe Carina won't be here, with her, in a few days, or weeks, or months. Not more than months, her doctors had predicted.

_____________________________________

“We should find you, someone.”

Carina said one day. Out of the blue as they were watching a cheesy romcom.

“We?”

“Yes, of course. What do you think about Amelia?”

Maya chuckled, but Carina had her serious game face on.

“Isn't she in a very happy relationship with Dr. Bartley?”

“Well, you can be their third.”

“Not interested.”

“How about Helm? She is brilliant.”

“Not my type.”

“Who is your type?”

“Hot, Italian, OB-Gyn with the beautiful brown hair cascading down her shoulders and eyes the shade of brown that makes me fall for her all over again when I look at her.”

“That's very specific. How about Jack?”

“Eww.”

Carina chuckled and snuggled closer to the blonde looking at the movie.

_____________________________________

Turns out, Carina wasn't kidding when she talked about finding someone. She made a profile for Maya on an online dating website and it almost became her hobby to reject people.

“Not at all. Nope.”

She never swiped right.

_____________________________________

Carina was trying to be strong, but Maya knew she was in more and more pain. She noticed it when Carina clutched her stomach in pain during one of their walks, she noticed it when everything she ate or drank came out in the next few hours, she noticed it as her wife became only a semblance of who she was once.

She tucked her in at night. Every night. Kissing her forehead, keeping her hand on her heart, feeling her heartbeat, and placing the last kiss on her lips.

She promised her forever every night before they went to sleep. She stayed up most of the night, just to assure that Carina was still breathing.

_____________________________________

Finally, she had to rush to the hospital. Carina's breathing was shallow. Maya wanted her to be as comfortable as possible, so, she was sitting by Carina's bedside, holding her hand in hers. Carina looked just a fraction of who she was and this happened in only six months.

She gently pressed her lips on the knuckles of her wife's hand and held her hand tightly. The moment causes a slight bristle and Carina's eyes to flutter. She looks around for a second, the place still unknown and finally her eyes meet the familiar eyes. She smiles and Maya realizes that her eyes still shine the same way, and she still has the same crinkle.

She sighs and presses another kiss on her wife's knuckle and then her hair.

“You are beautiful.”

“Not as much as you, Bella.”

Maya chuckles and settles beside Carina. She kisses her once again.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Should we try to find someone?”

She asked in a small voice and Maya chuckled at the request. Passing her the phone. Carina was again going through her routine of nobody being perfect for Maya. Maya just kept looking at her.

But then, there was a right swipe. She swiped right to a person. Maya's eyes widened and her eyes for the first time in all those days filled to the brim with tears.

“No! Please don't!”

She said before she realized what she was saying. A sob erupted through her throat before she could stop and she hid her face in her hand that wasn't holding her wife's hand.

“Please don't. Don't leave me. Please. I can't… I don't know how to live without you. I don't want to know how to live without you. Please. Please.”

There was a chant of pleads that filled the room while Carina softly rubbed her knuckles. She knew this was coming. She wanted it to come while she was there to console her wife.

_____________________________________

That night, Maya kept her head on Carina's chest, listening to her heartbeat. She heard her last heartbeat as the monitors around her stopped beeping. She stayed there holding Carina's hand, keeping her promise of forever,  till Amelia pulled her away. 

_____________________________________

“I contemplated leaving Seattle after… but I couldn't. This is the only place I can still feel you. You are still here with me and I promised you forever, didn't I?

I just hope you were here. Holding my hand, telling me that everything will be fine. 

I love you and I promise you forever, My Love.”

#station 19 #marina #carina deluca #maya bishop #why do i hate myself #Well #i am a pretty terrible person #but still #this is too much. #like #i am emotionally exhausted after this #i just wanna cry #a lot #stefania spampinato #danielle savre #station19 #no happy ending #no happiness