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#no one to talk to bec no one knows im suffering haha!
generaldecay · 3 years
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why cant everyone in the world be nice and kind and soft 😭 i really feel like i’m too sensitive to be alive. when someone isn’t super nice and soft to me i immediately assume they hate me, there’s something wrong with me and that i might as well stop existing.
WHY am i like this. i have never had therapy, i’m barely keeping up this facade. straight A*s, perfect rep, good friend. it’s all going down the drain like my fucking mental health. my heart feels like a bird with a broken wing, like it’s barely holding on. i’m on the verge of collapsing emotionally. and i still fucking smile and grin to everyone because more than anything, i cannot admit that i’m breaking apart.
i’m so sensitive i think i might die in the real world. i’m 17, i haven’t seen it yet. i don’t think i will be able to handle it.
my dad says he was so harsh to me growing up because “that’s the way the world works, i’m doing you a favor.” no, dad. you made me so, bitterly, extremely, devastatingly terrified of failure that i cannot even accept anything less than praise. i’m destroying myself by overthinking. when does it get better. when does this pain stop.
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xllxxrbxg · 3 years
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so ayon nga hehe
so ayon nga mga marecakes hehe narrate ko na lang nangyari today.
so i was like chilling today right im all set for school because i did my homeworks naman days before it was needed so i was like, "aight lets get this shit today". tapos karlo message me he wanted cuddles eh i was like hMMM... we just made out the other day eh and its like tuesday palang today !! i told him nalang na make it happen, not rlly thinking he would make it happen. but this mf took it as a challenge and actually made it happen.
before all that tho i was badtrip because ha made a very uncalled for rape joke and it fucked me up in the head, plus the fact na im being taken to someplace unfamiliar. i was very tensed the whole ride there. anw he didnt get the hint na it was THAT awful to me, but its aight we resolvedt it already. i'll keep a tab on this tho. for me that was a red flag.
anyways we made out in this tambayan place their family owns. basically it has a large parking lot and across that space was this little studio type housie house. the place had a large ass gate, wasnt really paying attention to what he was saying about the place because i was still tensed with the bad joke he made. anyways we went in and it was a very nice place. outside the house, it wasnt that obvious, but when you go in, it legit looked like one of those sala sets in malls with the note "thank you for not sitting" typa shit. so yeah it was nice it had same vibes with vista mall maybe because of the ceiling yellow scattered lights and of the fresh ass furniture and the whole place itself. it was a pretty decent size, not too big not too small for at least two people to share in the long run. it also had this aircon i always wanted the expensive ones u see in 5 stars. anyways it was quickly cold. there was also the bathroom that had a shower, then theres this chair where you pull a button and a foot rest will pop up lmfao. there were also two other sofa charis by the window. the window was the type then you push back up, not much windows tbh. but thats aight and reasonable since it has an aircon. i was tensed at first when the room was opened. it was obviously recently used idk maybe by his relative. WAS TENSED BRO same feeling when you enter an empty room newly unlocked by your teacher. THAT. that typa anxiety. anyways eventually joined him to sit by the small bed. was pretty much good for one big ass person to comfortably lie on, but fitted both of us nicely. didn't really bottom at that sesh so i don't really remember if the bed was uratex when weight is applied on me but it probably is AHSHDHASHDHSAHDSAHAH ok mej funny yun goiz liek- HAHA ok serious na nga hmpz. we cuddled first before doing nasty stuff. it was nice. i'd exchange all those laplapan just to wholesomely cuddle in peace and probably have a great nap together. i like the feeling the warm feeling. it was nice. yes. anyways,, yeah it was nice. cant stop talking about how nice it was because it was nice. heck... it was so nice. it was so heart heart. idc about my coochie getting rubbed, CUDDLE ME BITCH. anyways we started kissing and the rest is historyYYYYYY. jk. basically the make out routine starts with cuddling then kissing then he touches me until it reacher the forbidden softie softie, main bec he likes hearing my sexy ass moan. even before in tinder when i vm my boytoys for the first time the first thing they say my voice is smexy. cant blame them i agree. even when im alone and i randomly fake moan gat dam bro i get turned on too LMFAO. so yeah i moaned bec it was music to his ears and turned him on big time. was ngl kinda steamy when we breathe in each others mouth thats one of my favorite parts of it and also when i suck on his tongue. or also when i moan into his mouth. yep. also when he cusses it means im doing a great job. hehe. nice stuff ryt there. we pause sometimes to rest, then go aead again. i got many rounds that day. we did same stuff on the bed several times. then he pulled me so i'd be on top. im such a great top bro he aint know hoe to topppp. then was cuddling on top of him and then accidentally (wink wink) grinded on his rock solid stuff. he was turned on sabi nya shit anuyon sabi ka ah ayaw mo ok BUT THEN he was like gusto ko. tnagina pabebe yarn. anw i started kissing then grinding and he was cussing bec im so good at it. later my pants were off and later his shorts too. so we were underwear-away from grinding on directly. was nice got me tiredt. THEN HAHAH i saw this 5 peso coin by the bed and i was like eto yung token sa rides AHSDHASHDASHDHA WOF YAN TEH? tangina tawang tawa sya gago ang funny ko tlg san ka makakakuha ng kallapan na funny. tas nilagay ko sa gilid nya singko started grinding again. bet u he was grinding too. AND IT WAS SO HARD IT LOWKEY HURT TO GRIND ON. GEEZAS. so basically the whole bed was shaking. and i did my deed as a good girl to keep the music on (aka moaning) because there was no music. felt like
asmr. boring af. unlike when we make out sa car, theres always music. i like making out on the white chev instead of the fortuner BECAUSE THE FORTUNERS WINDOWS AIN TINTED what in the world was i thinking making out inside an untinted car INSIDE A PARK WHERE THERE ARE LOTSA PPL PASSING BY. anyways back to the bed, we paused, cuddled. then i was badtrip again for some reason so i got up to get dressed but we eventually made out again on the sofa hehe. legs spread again bec he liked touching there so i let him. then eventually was begging me to allow him to eat me out but i was like BROOOO NOOOO you gon taste it and it be not groomed yet in anyway but he was alr there begging looool he looked so adorbs but NOOO. i asked wala ka man benefit jan, sabi nya ikaw meron. tas sabi ko why do u wanna do it, he said he wasnted to satify me liek HNGGGGGG ok i would let you but it really not be groomed oakay NEXT TIME for sure. AND HECK the lights were on. it was daylight and the lights were on like hasdhahsdhashdas it feels liek im being eaten out at the home decor station at vista mall U GUYZ. anyways ayon. after non i think he tried carrying me for some reason. and i knew he found me heavy lols. but yeah i was a cute little moment he carried me around the room pretending its a mall and he's touring me and shit, "to your left, is the sala set, to your right is the flat screen tv..." things like that HAHAHA funny cute moment. anw later on we found ourselves sitting on the little bed again i was on top of him. he didnt want to lay down bec he alrady made the bed lol so we started grinding again sitting, me on top doing my best !! giving my all !! bec he also had a finger down there as i grinded on his stuff so it basically felt like a direct grind lols. anyways was nice. then later on we made out standing up. was kinda hard because he was 7 inches taller. OH AKALA NYO TITE SIZE YUNG 7 INCHES NOH. hinde. so ayon we were making out and he was shy to ask for a deep throat HAHSDHAHDHAS HECK NAW BITCH U TOLD ME A RAPE JOKE. so this is the part where i get revenge. he was standing there, and i was teasing him. was acting clueless, but he hinted he wanted his belt off so i took it off. was honestly confused with the belt. lol. anw i got to remove it and said, so ano next? playfully hhehhehehe. anyways ayon nga eventually me teased him everrr soooo slowly his dick went from solid-jelly-solid-jelly. LMFAO omfg will i cause him illness? omg. anwwww ayon. later on i removed his shorts as he asked. then i stepped aaway from him across the room because he was doing the shy type hands while hsis shorts was by his foot. and i LOL'd at him for a good few minutes just clapping my hands out of entertainment HAHSDHAHSDAS. then he asked me to put my hands inside, did it slowly and i told him to smile ka nga muna. AND HA THE MF WAS SHAKING. LOL. my fucking powerrrrrrr. anyways later on i was teasing out the underwear, then later i got my hands in again and then touchedt the dick *YAY* finally we got there!! anw it was only for a few secs and i told him its over HAHAHA. then i put his shorts back up again, but subtly teasing that i would suck. bec the shorts were by his ankles so i had to kneel. did i suck? no. did i make sure he thought i was? YES BITCH. and then he lay down fretting because i didnt suck his dick and then while was laying down i opened his shorts again to pretend that his dick was a computer mouse and told him "lets play solitaire, o kaya counterstrike or maybe purble place. gawa ng cake hehe" lmfao mfer be cry laughing because he dont know what to do bec he was teased. so ayon we ended that way and i thought he was bad trip bec of what i did. but he assured me na di naman like dapat lang duh. anyways ayon hehe.
uwi na kami after nakauwi ako 1. andon kami 10. hehe. hinatid nya man me pauwi. tho yung byahe pauwi di pa kami nakakalayo sa place he pulled over so i was confused bec there were no big vehicles incoming but to my surpris he started kissimg me again lol bro deins ka ba nasasawa. anw yon. was nice naman. making out with a guy from a rich fam is nice bec yall dont need to pay to rent in motels lol but still has pressure, bec if we end on a bad note, i swear most of the blgs here are engineered by his relatives. thats how prominent they are. the place we went to is owned by his uncle, who works at legazpi rn thats why the place was vacant. theyre making a mall i think idk. so thats why his uncle is making another like that na place dun. so he has somewhere to stay. like what in the wealth... its crazy how people have money. and for sure even if the place we stayed in was small, it costs millions fr. anyways ayun yung promised detailed chika ko. hehe ciao. mej pokpok nga me pero look at me suffering the consequences, may sipon na ako aside sa ubo because he had mild sipon. now my sipon is malala compared to his, and he alr is recoveredt tangina unfair. but yesterday he insisted to see me to drop off some meds and he hugeed me and cried. because i asked for a time out the night before. bec i was having a hard time. he allowed it but over thinkedt it so yeah he cried while hugging me tight in the car. and kept on saying sorry mainly bec of the sipon thing. but it was, i felt, directed to the other stuff he had disappointed me with. anyways before that sabi nya ok lang ba sayo mag punta munang emall may bibilhin lang, sabi ko naur im sick. it was bec he wanted to buy me gummy worms lol. cute. u shoulda bought them before going to me, mofo. jk. loveee u penggg.
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sharongoodnow · 3 years
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if i may ~overshare~ 
in june my high school did kind of exposure anonymous instagrams about racism and homophobia on campus and i was able to kind of sort of out my abuser and it was like. Okay im willing to say this like this because i have this kind of recurring dream state thing in which i speak out loud to someone about this and it’s shared publicly and there’s familiarity and it isn’t just therapy anymore and there’s recognition. and either way like. this is jumbled lmao. when i was in therapy my therapist asked me if there was a reason i thought i couldn’t let go of my trauma and i said that i couldn’t let go of it because i feared that if i did then other girls would fall prey to what i did and i couldn’t live with that, and she asked me if i thought there was any feasible way for me to prevent things from happening to others and the honest answer was no and she told me that the sad truth was i had no other choice than to accept that and move on. and i think that’s the worst part of trauma like there’s such a narrative about suffering in any capacity of like “it teaches you something” or “grow through what you go through” and i do think those are healthy mentalities for a lot of stuff (definitely with chronic illness i’ve found that like at a certain point you just need to let it make you better because it sure as hell will make you worse) but with trauma you can’t win or triumph and the best you’ll ever be able to do (though this is still damn near impossible) is tie. like i couldn’t help anyone else, i couldn’t help myself either, and there was no rhyme or reason to why what happened happened even if there was a sequence of events that made sense, it was just a shitty thing that happened for no good reason and that absolutely didn’t need to happen and that i have to live with regardless of what it does to me. and either way i saw an opportunity to prevent what had happened to me from happening to anyone else and i took it. at the time i thought it was liberation though now i’m kind of wondering what on earth possessed me to think that. and then after that i was launched into an emotion flashback (which i learned the word for then lmao!) that lasted for the next whole day which sounds like nothing but lmaooooo like. Lmao. 
i submitted at two am and didn’t sleep until like five and then woke up at eight and my hands were still shaking. nothing like that had happened for years. and the response i got was a good one and it was honest to god so weird because i’d never talked about that outside of therapy. one commenter called it grooming which struck me as so insane because i would Never have used that word but it was very very accurate. and even then too like. i was really thankful for a moment there because like. the abuse occurred over 2 years, the first year was heaven and the second year took a major major turn for the worst, and being able to call it all grooming meant that i never needed to see the first year as good again. it really made me think differently. and that being said i’d luckily let go of the whole But Remember The Good Parts thing beforehand because had i not i honestly fear what i might’ve done with that revelation. and someone else commented that i didn’t deserve that and i got more emotional than expected. what still scares me is that i can’t see any of this objectively. what im learning more and more as an adult is that you really can’t trust your perception and because i already rationalized everything that happened to me i can talk about these things and still blame myself or say i must’ve misinterpreted even when other people reading about it call it straight up grooming. and the whole post was a fucking mess it was kind of obvious i’d written it very Overcome At Two Am and of course it wasn’t like what i’d rehearsed in my brain a million goddamn times. i think too like my high school had a reputation for strong english grammar skills and my grammar was AWFUL and i did for a second wonder if that would discredit me. and also everything i said in the post seems to me now looking back at it like absolutely nothing. and the details are kind of bizarre. and i also said that emdr therapy had fucked with my memory but it hadn’t; it was just that with emdr in therapy i always would just go “okay, bring up the worst memories!” and those ones had such an emotional gut reaction that i could find them easily, but now that they don’t (THANK GOD) they’re so much harder to find. i sounded so disjointed. but people believed me! that’s a plus
to my knowledge nothing has come of any of this. i didn’t exactly get involved and i made it as anonymous as possible, i didn’t write my graduation year so technically i could’ve been anybody and also i used they pronouns (though i did slip up once and use she, and looking back at that i was :-/ because i thought of her mocking me and saying i was dramatic for doing that deliberately, which i hadn’t, it was two am and i was fucking wacked out) but contextually some stuff was definitely enough to put together. i got a little obsessive and the crazy thing is that faculty members liked that post. friends of hers. how could they not know? it was painfully obvious if someone was close enough. i think that still gets me. around that time i made a way bigger effort to find my journal from high school because it had gone missing and i’d been meaning to find it for years but in my dumb frenzy i found it and legit it was terrifying to read. there was another adult involved who was friends with my abuser and i think the scariest part was reading a paragraph i wrote about how i told that adult about what my abuser had been doing and that adult said that i didn’t realize just how much my abuser cared about me. and it was emotional abuse and manipulation so i think that’s easy to confuse with love, especially in the context it was in. and there was another time that i met with my abuser behind closed doors and i wrote verbatim the email she sent me beforehand in my journal and i distinctly remember doing that and not knowing why i was doing it way back then, but now, i could see that her email was so concise, to the point, objective, and kind, whereas the things she said to me in that meeting were vile, completely out of line with what the email implied. i wanted proof so badly. and i still have none! that hasn’t changed and at this point im not even attached to proof anymore because it wouldn’t do me any good. there’s nothing proof would help, all of this is so burrowed into me that honestly that might just make it worse. and then my journals from early college are equally scary because i was so lost without this woman. and i straight up called it abuse in there i think a full year and a half before i went to therapy for this and i think that’s partially because i thought i could deal with this on my own (bad idea) and partially because i could say it to myself but not anyone else. and like i remember i went on a run on the trails at my university and i was thinking about her and she was on my mind that day and every day and i was so fucking sick of it. i wanted her gone so i told myself i would run this last mile and think of all the good times and the bad ones too, as equal a picture as i could give. and i’d even thought about quitting before that last mile, and then, i decided to go for one more extra mile to round it out. i just wanted her gone. i wanted to do every last bit of thinking so that there was nothing left to think about. and i went home like i always did and ate dinner and showered and went to my homework as always and it didn’t do anything. and that chronologically was my freshmen year in the fall or early winter, there wasn’t snow on the ground and i wasn’t sick yet. that was long before i ever realized it was abuse
this is disjointed lmao just let me have this a bitch needs it haha
ive wondered ever since that post if they’re going to contact me. without being weird or something, i can say i went to a historic high school. they love their alums and want to treat them well and i don’t think what i said gives the best of reputations. it was also very clear in my post that i was targeted because i was gay, and by the head of the gay student group who was the poster child for all of that there. i actually looked her up on their webpage when this happened and she had the most titles of anyone at the school, not the highest ranking ones but the most. i do wonder if there’s another girl like me. there were girls before me and i heard from younger friends that there were girls after me but i haven’t looked into any of this in i think three years, since the youngest of my friends graduated. and the thing is that i couldn’t help any of them. and i don’t think my post could help any of them either because it wouldn’t have helped me had i seen it when all of this happened. like my senior year the girl before me was at the school for an alum meetup weekend and she and i talked (we weren’t friends, we’d just been in the same french class so we just barely knew each other) and she told me that her boyfriend’s little sister toured the school and asked my abuser if she knew the girl in question, who was very close with my abuser and was on her sports team and all sorts of other things, and my abuser said no. and when i went back to see friends of mine who were younger, my abuser never acknowledged me. we were actually very physically close all things considered at my friend’s graduation, and she didn’t look at me. and contextually we left on good terms. i never got to say goodbye to her but the last things we said were amicable. i can’t help but wonder why that is, not actively at all but just because like...she knows she did wrong and i wish she could stop that now instead of repeating it. and i watched the kindergarten teacher a couple years ago and it was bizarre in a good way to see the other side of what i felt. the “i have a poem” at the end shook me to my core because that’s exactly how it feels. i couldn’t put it into words if i tried. and it got easier to forgive her when i saw that maybe she was messed up like i was, and i knew i would want someone to be compassionate to me about it all. not that that means anything she did to me was right, but it was nice that she didn’t just do those things to me because cosmically i deserved it or something. at least the pain she inflicted on me relieved some of hers. at least the motive was human. and i do forgive her in whatever way i can, not because she deserves my forgiveness but because not being able to forgive her meant i was an angry and resentful person and i didn’t want to be like that anymore. god this is such a fucking process i hate it lmao like. the sheer fucking amount of work. i have spent more years trying to get out of this than i ever spent in it. whatever god created trauma is a fucking asshole
anyway. lmao. im getting so off-track. with alum stuff i never left any contact information, that was deliberate, so any suspicions would require some digging. and i can tell exactly how my abuser would react because i wrote down that fucking email in my journal. she could say scathing, awful things about me, but i could do worse to her if i wanted to, but i don’t because im not a terrible fucking person. i know this must all seem so blown out of proportion but at this point i can’t even shame my trauma brain for doing it because it’s just so predictable and at this point to me normal. like i’ve lived long enough like this to not be genuinely ashamed. but i do know how it looks to the outside. an instagram post shouldn’t dredge things up like this, but it did. and now, looking back, i kind of wish i hadn’t. i don’t fully because this should be out in the open, but i wish i hadn’t because this shit hurts stupid a lot. it’s just on my mind is all. it doesn’t actively hurt. it’s like post breaking your leg and it’s been years and you’ve done the therapy and you can run marathons but there are still screws in there which means you’ll never be able to live the life you did before that injury. the therapy at least had a linear path. trying to just live with the screws is a much different beast. and i did think that maybe just maybe someone would contact me and i could say my side, but that’s yet to materialize. it’s not as if i have any proof. it’s my word against hers, and sometimes i don’t even trust my word. i even have posts on here about her from back then and i know for a fact i fabricated some things in those, and shockingly enough it was to make them sound vaguely sexually explicit. and i was never NEVER attracted to her, absolutely not, and i think all of that was a cry for help disguised by this froufrou ridiculous love (not romantic) that i felt for her. sometimes i do think that had there been romantic or otherwise inclinations this would be easier to deal with because instead i was just a scared kid and she told my my future would be bright if i followed her and then created a person i hated being but the person she wanted me to be and abused me if i didn’t conform. i wish all of the digs she had and still has in me were more obvious. even like in therapy we did emdr for a memory i thought was benign and it was about body size (makes more sense with context, i had to be seen in a swimsuit in a group of girls and was nervous about how i look, and she told me not to worry because i wouldn’t be the biggest person there, clearly referring to another girl, all of which is just yikes) and after that i started binge eating for the first time in my life because i’d been restricting for YEARS because of that comment. and i didn’t even fucking realize. that was such a bad time. and anyway. my posts on here. i think i wanted someone to tell me that what she was doing was wrong because i didn’t believe it myself, and i knew that sexually explicit stuff between us was wrong. never happened thank goodness, but i knew others would recognize that as wrong, so i fabricated. it was never outright and only ever implied, but how fucked up is that? seriously how fucked up. bruh like. how fucked up
lmao will i ever finish this thought. i thought i might be contacted but i wasn’t. so i keep in my mind preparing what i would say if i were to be contacted, which logically i know i never will be. it got to the point that i had a terrifyingly realistic dream about telling people and having them believe me. i think maybe june of last year i had a dream about her again and it was a really gratifying one because in that dream all of my therapy skills came out to play. i was like “you could go tell her off” and i chose not to because i thought what was the point, and also she spoke to me and was genuinely kind and (like always) i thought that meant that the ugly sides of her i’d seen were a hoax of some kind, but i then forced myself to believe in those ugly sides more and not give her the benefit of the doubt. like i was so past this. i can’t believe an instagram post of all things brought this back up like this. it’s not even all that active so to speak. it’s very passive and just passing thoughts. but it’s there and i don’t want it to be. any more of my life spent thinking about her is life wasted, but at the same time, those screws aren’t going anywhere. there will be moments when i have to. i just wish i could get rid of the moments when i don’t have to. im not really sure how to purge this hence an extremely long tumblr post. i guess i still want people to tell me that this was real, this happened, it was wrong, not because i want ~recognition~ but because i genuinely can’t say with confidence that these things were wrong. even that comment about bodies above still rings to me as benign and the fuckedupedness about it is something i only know secondhand. my perception sees all of this as normal and i wish i could just like...put the last number of years of my life through an information processor and have the ugly trauma bits filtered out. the hardest monster to fight is a monster you don’t think is a monster at all. im not relapsing. i haven’t touched drugs or alcohol in years. all things considered i am so unbelievably fine compared to where i was from 2014-2018. but i just don’t want to carry this around anymore. it hurts to know that i accepted that i couldn’t change anyone else’s fate only to now feel like maybe i can. that was the hardest thing in therapy to accept, that my pain couldn’t at least help others, because then what’s the point of it? why am i feeling it? and i think i do inherently want my pain to be productive just because i hate feeling it at all. pointless pain is just...it’s just awful. it’s the worst kind. it exists, there’s absolutely zero lessons to learn from it, and it’s fucking awful. and i guess i just wish this hadn’t happened more than anything else. it still affects me. i’m not ashamed to say it still affects me, but im fucking exhausted lmao. my reaction is disproportionate in my opinion not because i shoudln’t be reacting in this way but because i deserve MORE THAN THIS. i want more out of life than this. im sick of feeling these things. i just have lost my capacity to care, but my trauma brain still cares. that disagreement in the two mes will probably drive me insane for the rest of my life
i will say tho that the only thing that quelled that emotion flashback was a video game. video games for trauma are something i wish i’d discovered years ago. being able to immerse yourself in something just like...it fucking works. just to take your mind off of things. i’ve used that a lot since then. not a lot a lot, but it’s something i pick up first. hell of a lot easier than the three hours of breathing exercises i fruitlessly did that night. and i think shameful as it is i would be better off had i never been given an opportunity to, in theory, keep someone else from this pain. part of me thinks that’s selfish but another part of me thinks i’ve suffered enough already. the things she said to me led to suicide attempts. i’ve suffered enough. but that stupid nagging sense that maybe i could save someone. i think it’s hard too because the situation i was in i now realize was one brought on because i was a scared child who needed guidance and found the perfect person for that guidance, and that person could’ve done anything to me and i would’ve complied. i was innocent. maybe i did things that were wrong, but i was never the aggressor, and i was also a child. and it’s kind of dawning on me now that maybe i should treat the traumatized part of me as a child. i wouldn’t make a child out their abuser on instagram. not sure i would make them testify in court if they had to. i’d just hold them and let them sleep in the next morning. maybe this dumb long post had a point lmao. and because my brain wants someone to bear witness, now you all will bear witness. hopefully the emotional and illogical parts of me will internalize that and i can stop thinking about this and instead think about literally anything else
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macklives · 5 years
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homestuck recap
i hated this so fucking much bc my 2 am bitch-ass didnt want to read a recap thats probably longer than any slowburn out there
anyways here it is
also, uhhH sorry im using this as a end of session discussion bc that shit gets explained in her as well. and im not writing up more recaps of a recap so this is where im done for the day. (by done for the day i mean last nights session, im still doing a liveblog soon. i just wrote this yesterday)
also that this is long
you dont have to read it, theres nothing of importance
ive been coping with humor to get me through it
neato.
have fun with what i suffered through:
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why was “beta” the only thing unhighlighted?
like did i miss a page???
OH its the beta version of HS thats why
damn its like 5 pages and thats it
mmh
well youll all be happy to know im clicking every single one of these links again bc i like looking back like ahh i remember that. good times. also in case i forgot some shit existed.
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do you think andrew had fun writing this? or was he like “fuck”
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thats a lot of fucking package talk. good thing im not confused as of now and remember it pretty clearly. of else, this early on in the recap, id be screwed.
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god remember when i did an analysis on each item and what it did
i feel as if i have the technology engrained inside my head right now
cruxite, alchemeter, all that jazz
flashbacks are starting up already
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yeah, that was the good part in homestuck where i knew 100% that i probably would continue on this liveblog in its entirety, ngl
that one explosion scene. bc it kept me going.
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OH W A IT SHIT
i just realized how the intermission spades probably fucking foreshadowed the whole jack revolts thing and gains the ring, which was also technically JOHNS fault considering he slashed up the doll in the first place
my god, i guess thats the only good aspect of the recap. looking back at things and realizing the missing pieces.
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oh that makes sense for the whole “this prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the medium” i didnt actually think about that
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little did rose know where that would get her right now
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oh yeah
there’s still the whole entire lab terminal thing and how mom basically knows the place exists. i guess we’re still venturing onto that and itll come up later when we find out how mom knows SO MUCH about the game.
still think shes some weird spy or secret agent
i kinda love her ngl
anyways, theres literally no reason for skaia to produce a cloning machine. so technically, they only sent the meteors in, right? so who put the cloning machine in if not mom?
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oh yeah that impact was nerve wrecking asf
and still at this point in the comic i called dave fuckboy red
huh, how times change
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i hated reading that whole paragraph ngl, the frustration just kicked me in the boobs again
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yeah nobody else got tornadoes, huh?
OH that makes also much more sense
bc she did prototyped them before she entered the medium.
i gotcha
man one of my favorite edits i made, rose hitting that meteor with a bat
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are you
telling me
the exiles structures they arrived on were in the form of the items the kids used to enter the medium?
THE EGG
THAT EXPLAINS “EGG”
of course it was 413 years ago. that was never explained. simply vague “many years in the future....” but i expected no less from this
man serenity is the most wholesome character in hs no doubt
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damn thought andy here was really gonna spoil us jade’s planet
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okay cool, im glad i now have the layout to the whole “their stations went to the coordinates of the home button” shindig
man i honestly dont know what else to say besides “yeah cool recap” when i already pretty much know what went down? ofc im looking into each link and shit and adding in things when i see fit, but otherwise its just me going “ah good times” yknow
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the whole meteor thing kinda makes sense now?
we’re still missing a few pieces of info but we’re getting there, folks
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oh yeah that reveal
god jade and dave have it in the shits for parents huh
bro isnt the best and jade has a fucking dog
who lowkey
is doing better than bro
who knew a fucking dog is a better guardian than bro lmfao
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dreambot = terminator. im telling you.
sorry im still on that idea and it will never leave unless i have the actual proof in front of me that its not going to become a thing. meaning, ive finished hs and theres still no terminator dreambot or either andrew himself gives me a canon letter with “the robot is not arnold, mackenzie, pls just let it be”
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why is the entire game session highlighted
i swear to god if this is like to a second recap or smth of the whole game session i may fucking CRY
okay thank god its just a design of the skaia layout
which is honestly cool
idk why its blurry tho but i can at least see the layout now. which is honestly how i pictured it anyways.
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yeah, john did make a huge impact in his friends’ life and i find that so fucking touching
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yep. got that. everything loops around. cool.
especially when the trolls come in. god we havent even gotten to that recap portion yet, we havent even gotten to the INTERMISSION
pls can this be the halfway point to the recap
AT LEAST
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so they were exiled after the whole jack: ascend thing, right? considering theyre way in the future. man no fucking wonder.
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speaking of jack
man that whole dad and jack interaction was gold, ngl
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OH THAT EXPLAINS THE RING THEN
and wow, andrew’s really giving us the best female content huh. andrew is the true god of equality and diversity.
also hey, i didnt realize that wow. so PM tricked the queen in showing the parking ticket to be able to take the present from jack. she’s a smart cookie, that one..
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she and PM basically snitched on jack and it was the best thing that has happened to me so far
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oh yeah okay
but why did AR panic over bec? bc thats something we havent learned yet, right?
anyways
exile town, the only town which should exist. facts. i dont make the rules.
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noice
i love PM being queen. like.. thats canon now. shes an actual queen.
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yeah that was a fun game and the consorts were cute
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fuck yeah the dick head
hate them even more now that i know john was killed because of them
anyways, i wonder what dick move dave’s denizen did? maybe thats why its filled with lava bc the denizen was like “fuck it. make the land red. kill them all”
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UH WHAT
WHAT
OH MY GOD HOW DID I JUST FORGET NANNAS LETTER LIKE THAT LMFAO
THEIR TITLES WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME!
so i still dont know what they mean but i can gather it has something to do with the game giving them abilities. considering dave is the “knight of time” and he can go back in time. whack.
which means john can either control someones breathing or simply wind. and rose is... like that one girl in the winx club who does the sun shit. bc whenever i think of light powers, i think of stella.
and jade is space. witch of space.
nice
i have no idea what that means ngl
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okay finally
we’re at the trolls
maybe this recap will end soon
i remember when i thought they were internet bullies
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yesss
someone asked if i basically knew the trolls were on a different veil than the kids, so not presently with them, and i know lol. i was making a joke before btw. jsyk. dont think im incompetent to forget these things when sometimes i choose to forget it so i can add in a joke
it be like that, i annoy many
then again, pls dont assume im trying to say im not incompetent bc im also a fucking dumbass and DO forget shit and i have no excuse
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imagine being so bored on the meteor, your last resort is speaking to aliens
ngl me if i was ever trapped on a meteor and could potentially do that
nah ik its bc its their only hope at helping with their session or whatever tf CG said to john. but there was BOUND to be a conference meeting between them like “okay guys. humans. that needs to be sorted out” and you just hear CG screaming in the background
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i cant wait to meet them honestly bc im growing on all 4 of the ones we’ve seen already. and on top of that, i know what they look like and i know theyre not THAT bad, just a little on the crayy zee side sometimes
but theyre trying
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OH MY GOD
I GET IT
FUCK
DOES THAT MEAN THE INTERMISSION IS *APART* OF THE MAIN FUCKING STORY??
AND SPADES IS WV FOR THE TROLLS
GOD D A M N
wow
i didnt expect that. but maybe the signs were there and i was just willingly choosing to ignore it or smth bc “haha couldnt be, right”
flashbacks to how i thought the trolls were humans
anyways, i guess he got his revenge on the kids version of “snowman” ie the black queen. but really
he did not have to do that. he could have cut off the finger and fled. but he decided “nah, lets implode her” so the loml is dead and all i got was a catchy song
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i knew they were different types of “bullies” but now i just have to replace bullies with uhh
trolling strategies
anyways, this is cute. i love how they’ve come to be friends through mutual frustration. good part in the comic.
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i wonder why it explodes
more importantly
....
terminator time?
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this was my favourite sequences of dialogues in the whole entirety of homestuck. that is to say the back and forth thing that the kids went through to become a sort of wingman for the other.
absolutely gold.
all except AT’s rap.
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GC was the only smart one with the linear shit
anyways fuck he still has to kill the denizen now but apparently its hard to beat for a sleeping dick head so
that will be fun for the future
john will probably need to kill A LOT of imps to get there
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yeah rose is a badass bc she slayed that thing with needles of all things
OH and the white queen was the cursive
damn did AR ever do the whole guide process to a kid yet? maybe he will with dave, idk
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oHHH
i fucking SEE
thats why he said DNA
to use it and replace all the life forms in the ocean
fucking neat wow
man that sounded sarcastic but im genuinely impressed bc all i got was bullshit as i read jaspersprites log
so thats the secret. it was “meow” bc that somehow translates to the genetic code she needs then. and that code apparently took fucking years to write as well. sick. whack. oh man.
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derse is very pretty, ngl
and wow shit
“dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it” how tf does someone just
do that, awake in both places at once
i didnt even fucking realize that fact as i read that pesterlog wow
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ah yes, around the time things got confusing
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okay so the capsule makes sense bc at first i didnt know it was a fucking time capsule so i got confused as to how it just apparated the game lmfao
the more you know i guess *twinkle*
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i find that a neat concept tho
like the whole whatever you prototype affects the imps and shit
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yeah so that whole “he had no advice” basically impacted his future
no shit dave wanted to reset things bc he probably thought he caused some sort of bad butterfly effect and killed his best friend
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fuck calsprite thats all im gonna say
i read that first sentence and i think i got an aneurysm
and then everything else just made me sad again
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i mean good thing he fucking did amirite?
we got pain at first but now we got cool shit like idk
fucking DAVESPRITE
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damn idk how that works
will rose have like two minds now? or will this be some steven universe fusion shit?
“and understood their meaning” course well i fucking didnt so could you pls elaborate, rose?
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okay but then what the fuck did he use that was inside the fucking box
bc i thought he used his knife?
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im only every going to refer him as that now, thank you andrew
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alright okay..
god that was a lot
i dont know what will happen once i click on those links but i am going to see that for myself bc i refuse to add ANYTHING ELSE
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