#no one will ever destroy me again

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a. #birdsong. #wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac- #in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really. #i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track. #and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy? #it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that. #how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love. #i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together. #i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too. #the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe. #so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc. #i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.

[moxielynx]

@whatudottu hihihihiiiii so ur ramblings about tetrax has me wanting to talk about tetrax cause i will take any opportunity to talk about him

d-23 tetrax is cool even if he didnt speak much in the episode, honestly d-23 ben deserved to be smacked around a little (/J /J that kid is like 13 😭), the twist that they were actually the good guys this whole time was great, especially since sixsix was also working with azmuth, which was a nice perspective

i like to imagine that d-23 tetrax is actually a total sweetheart and didnt actually like fighting ben since ben is just a dumb kid who doesnt know any better (even if he is a stubborn brat)

im pretty certain that petropia in the reboot is perfectly fine because for a while Vilgax wasnt. Vilgax, so he couldn't have hired Tetrax to steal whatever that crystal was from petropia then destroy it, so reboot tetrax is just what happens as a result of Tetrax not facing the consequences of his actions so now he's a MEANIE!!! but the dad instinct is still there judging from the way he interacts with Ben in "Mutiny for the Bounty"

as much as i prefer classic tetrax i really like that they went with a completely different approach with reboot tetrax, and like it makes sense too considering theres no way petropia would be destroyed in the reboot as well if vilgax couldnt do it (if petropia were to also get destroyed in the reboot then that would be so funny cause that basically means the planet is fucked no matter what 💀💀), its really cool to see that this might be what tetrax was like before working for vilgax and makes me really think about how different each version of tetrax is, and only makes me even more depressed that we never got prime tetrax in Omniverse, especially since there could've been so many moments where tetrax could've showed up

classic tetrax obviously isnt as cruel and uncaring as we see in the reboot or as he said when he was telling ben about his backstory because if he really didn't care as much but was like "okay this is fucked up i need to get my act together" then he wouldn't have looked so distraught watching his planet fall

i refuse to acknowledge the change in reaction in uaf tho cause it fucking SUCKED they cant just turn him into this stoic fucking guy after he literally shows up and shakes ben like a rattle, that and also they obviously didnt gaf about his backstory cause in the og backstory you can tell petropia's destruction was YEARS, probably decades ago cause he had those back spikes and even a different outfit but in the uaf version its just the same exact model THEY DONT CARE ABOUT TETRAX LIKE I DO!!!!!!

uaf tetrax made me so sad because i was already insane about the idea of dadtrax because of Secret of the Omnitrix, but when tetrax first showed up in uaf he picked up ben and for some reason my first thought was "omg is he going in for a hug" only to have that ripped away from me when he just straight up starts shaking ben around like a ragdoll 😭like imagine you dont see a guy for like 6 years, last time you saw him he helped you save the world/galaxy, and the first thing he does is fucking shatter you for no reason (or at least appears to be no reason), and all you get from it is a "sorry but i had no time to explain", like thats crazy, the REAL tetrax would never harm ben that is his SON !!!!!!!! and then after the single episode we had of tetrax and even petropia we just. never see him or the planet ever again. like we could've had so much world building for petropia and they decided to just throw it out like it was nothing

tetrax is genuinely such a cool character and its horrible how underutilized he is in every show, like yeah he was in 2 (technically 3 counting the reboot) movies but that doesnt really make up for how little we really saw him, especially since like i mentioned earlier prime tetrax wasnt even in OV which is probably the biggest missed opportunity in history, and the strangest part about it is that we got plenty of episodes exploring different planets and even a whole other system (galactic monsters special) so it was literally the perfect opportunity to write an episode about petropia and how its holding up

also never apologize 2 me about rambles, especially rambles about tetrax, i fucking LOVE reading people's silly little thoughts on things they like :3

#tetrax makes me sooooooo crazy #ouuggghhhh i love him sooooo much #dont let my harsh criticisms of the various tetraxes fool you im still very much in love with all of them and would absolutely kiss them al #i just love classic tetrax more <3333333 #also can we talk about how tetrax's hoverboard is just never fucking used again #cause in “destroy all aliens” tetrax very much gave ben a new one #and it just never appears ever #tetrax doesnt even use one in the one appearance he had in uaf #strange. #ben 10 #ben 10 classic #ben 10 alien force #ben 10 ultimate alien #ben 10 uaf #ben 10 omniverse #ben 10 reboot #tetrax shard #ben 10 tetrax #rambles #lynx posting

[tsuchinokoroyale]

It’s so good to see you.

Lies of P (2023)

#I finished lying and penising for the last time… #I got the game for my PS5 after 100%ing it on game pass bc I was so impressed and obsessed I needed to get a physical copy #so I obviously had to 100% it again and I hilariously forgot to read a letter to unlock an achievement #so I had to play the game a FOURTH TIME since you only get the letter at the end and restarting the game wipes all letters from your bag #but that let me do something I LOVE doing with these shorter games #which is putting the effort to give these characters the best endings their quests allow #so I can leave the characters in the world with as much peace as I can #I also did this in majora’s mask with my final run of the game being about doing every single side quest I could and beating ever boss #so that termina would be as peaceful as it would be once the mask was destroyed and skull kid freed #that being said wearing the alidoro mask led to an unintentionally hilarious semi final cutscene #a tear is supposed to roll down your face at one point but instead it was just a completely still super close shot of the dog mask #and I burst out laughing like nooooooo #luckily I’ve scene the ending like 3 times already but can you imagine if that was the only time I’d seen it 😂 #I one rounded nameless puppet this time I truly felt like a god I’m so grateful for neowiz for making this game its been so fun #even after beating it like 7 times I know I’ll be playing it again one day and I’m gonna be a preorder ho for the Lies of series #the DLC and sequel can’t come soon I’m so in love with this game I need to eat it #Lies of P #video games #lies of p sophia #lies of p carlo

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

every time i remember "ingo is an ascian/ancient who literally forgot everything about that" it still kills me. so much staying power in the idea of the protagonists rocking up to ishgard having the worst day of their lives and there's a fucking ASCIAN just chilling waiting for them and they're like fucking dammit now we have to deal with THIS. and then he's not. like he's literally just chilling. he is so very much just some guy. and they're like why the fuck are you dressed like an evil wizard then and he's like they're comfy robes :(

#swift plays ff14 #the nemesis speaks #not that it makes sense for ingo to be dressed like an ascian if he is in fact the watcher as previously proposed #but this is so hysterical to me so idc. slight amendment to fashion senses that's just how all ancients dressed forever #so like naturally ingo wouldn't wanna change. ancients famously don't like having more than like #2 outfits conceptually and generally just the one #venat and themis greatest rebels ever wearing (checks notes) the same ass robe but in white #anyway the other slightly less funny more serious part 2 is irida pulling the thordan Thing w/ the eye #becoming a vessel for palkia etc. diff motives obviously but same outcome #and this completely destroys ingo naturally. bc he doesn't remember it but it's just his brother leaving him all over again #this would also be the point where the protags actually buy that he really isn't an evil space wizard #because he is IMMEDIATELY kill-it-with-fire the SECOND he sees a primal. not exactly ascian behavior #anyway. meaningless rambling over #edit: oh yeah they also find out then that he's immune to tempering which is like ok you're not evil but that's goddamn weird #but nobody has much time to properly register or consider it bc. they are fighting evil dragon irida. not much time to pause and chat

[derpinette]

i am something of a non-practicing cutter

#i think the last time was the summer of 2021 IIRC 0_0 i placed my Tools in some small shelf in the bath room (intentional distinction) #never saw them again... they probably rusted with the humidity anyway Not that that would have stopped me #went to see how much the thing of razors i stole from some guy's office & they were THIRTY TWO dh. like 3 dollars !!!! that is insanity #but anyway also there is the dilemma of self harm being cringe after a certain age ( if it is not for a performance that is ) ... #however i never did that when i was sad it just felt like a good Release sort of like bloodletting [lite...-er version] #whenever i felt a big emotion like fear disgust ( especially disgust ) i just released it out & it warmed me up it felt good #if music was being played it was nice guys finish last or accidentally in love nothing emo because i was never sad i was having a ball #anyway ever since then everytime december rolls around i think of that one post “Destroy Wrist December” #& i think maybe this time... not yet so far. i am ♯Clean as they say

[deus-ex-mona]

life changing in 2 different ways yk

#sukiuso is very cute and loopable!!!!! meoto just destroys me in more ways than one #i still kinda get secondhand embarrassment when i reread the lyrics aaaaaaaaa #that’s it im allergic to romance from now on im never tling lxl songs e v e r again (will probably go back on this statement) #but man~~~~~~~~ i wanna see others’ interpretations of the lyrics~~~~ please let this be the next samishigariya im beggingngnggngng #if a lxl song has to have 100 tls p l s let it be meoto!!!!!!!!!!!! #i want everyone in the hw fandom to see at least one meoto tl in their lifetime (esp *some* shippers yk what im sayin—) #[slaps meoto] this song can fit so much aiyuu in it it’s c r a z y #i hope they get the most beautiful mv that has ever mv-ed #forget what i said about being satisfied with a single image mv; i want meoto to get the highest quality mv of all mvs #auauauauauauaaaaaaaa m e o t o #LXL MEOTO CRISIS 2K24

[cptnghoulowl]

I'm a Hunter fan blog now. He is my son and I'm so proud of him for existing and growing and just

LOOK AT MY BOY, PRECIOUS BABY

MUST PROTECT

#the owl house #toh #the owl house spoilers #the owl house season 3 #hunter toh #(stares at Belos) dont talk to me or my son ever again #HE LIKES WOLVES ITS SO SWEET #i just want to him live a happy life #is that too much to ask for #yes thanks to them destroyed me #i wanted to reach into the screen and give him a big hug #hes been through so much GIVE HIM A BREAK PLEASE #he was already one of my favs before but this special just made all the protecc instincts come up to the surface so welp

[wraithsoutlaws]

Screaming about the response you gave me LORD I love those two psychos

Any fun facts you’d like to share but haven’t told us yet??

hmm there is an ongoing rotation of Stuff About Them always playing in my mind but im always so bad at thinking of them when asked kdmdkdkd but there is one thing I keep coming back to while I replay some maelstrom gigs in the game and I dont *think* I've ever mentioned it. At some point Dagger is snooping around some files and stumbles across the database of gang initiations, like the recorded videos  of the optical procedure and medical write ups/complications/cyberpsycho concerns/etc for all the members and he's not really fazed by any this, he *knows* what it all entails and he's been around them long enough to understand what happens and the risks involved. curiosity gets the best of him and he ends up pulling up dum dum's file and watching a bit, and to his own suprise, it ends up really upsetting him. its a brutal, painful procedure with a lot of risks and minimal precautions taken (including no anesthesia) and while he could watch the others no problem, he has to turn this one off pretty quick. He ends up deleting the video too, and he never mentions it to dum dum, but it stays with him for a long time :)

the procedure goes well for dd all things considered but does result in some negative side effects: memory lapses to start. He has a hard time remembering specifics from his past before maelstrom but even his short term memory starts getting worse as he gets older. (Dagger helps him with little memory games which is kinda cute but they're both terrified of him losing everything. This has also led to dd recording a lot of interactions so he sort of his a digital scrapbook of moments between the two of them.) He also gets "stuck in time" sometimes, really vivid flashbacks, often of the procedure where the pain comes back full force and he doesn't know Dagger until it passes (usually a couple minutes but bad ones go longer). Dagger has aggressive night terrors and ptsd from his childhood so they really become each others anchors in these moments.

#x: perfect drug #shout out to tumblr app for crashing after i wrote this out and making me rewrite it :) #anyway! one of those flashbacks dd has leads to a cyberpsycho scare where he sort of snaps and beats the ever loving shit out of dagger #and almost kills him :) #later on dd gives Dagger an old cyberdeck he programmed to essentially shut down his cyberware if it happens again #dagger thinks this is stupid and reckless and flat out tells him to destroy it bc what if someone else got their hands on it he doesnt want #it etc. but dd convinces him bc ultimately its a safety precaution he feels he needs and he will Only trust dagger with it. #so dagger begrudgingly accepts it and keeps it near and safe at all times #hm i guess it was time to drop a little angst :3

[bongo-smash]

I WILL GO TO HEAVEN. YOU WON'T GO TO HEAVEN. I WILL GO TO HEAVEN AND I WON'T SEE YOU THERE!!!!!

#robin jason todd #jason todd fanart #jason todd #dc fanart #Sorry everyone I'm just in my feelings about Jason canonically(?? I'm Pretty Sure It's Canon) going to heaven #Additionally I'm in my feelings about Jason's death constantly looming over Batman #And how in that sense Jason is always dying again #Caption is a lyric from Cosmic Hero by Car Seat Headrest by the way!! Such a Jason Todd song it's unbelievable #That and Destroyed By Hippie Powers just remind me of him #I Do actually have a WIP of Jason coming back as an angel too it's like. Angsty and stuff. We'll see if it ever sees the light of day lmao! #Bongo's Art!!! #One day I will draw something and it will look the way it does in my head. One Day. #Okay there's my sideblog post for the month!! See you guys in October!! JHSDFGDJ

[xiaofiaan]

tell me: do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls? they say it's the only time when our world intersects with theirs. the only time we can feel the lingering regrets— of spirits who have left our world. that is why loneliness always pervades the hour of twilight.

#twilight princess #fun fact this one line inspired the entirety of my novel And mxh And got me into literary analysis. game changer #''will you ever shut the fuck up about loztp'' NO! #loneliness always pervades the hour of twilight !! midna left link behind just as the sun set and she was released from her chains !! #just as link was bound in the very beginning !! #only the true ruler of the twilight realm can destroy the mirror of twilight forever !! #''link‚ i... see you later'' when she knows she can't ever again !! link running forward !! link being yet again too late #they loved each other okay. they loved each other to the point where they had to let the other go.

[merevide]

#you believed me like a god. i destroy you like i am. i'm sorry i'm the one you love. #no one will ever love me like you again. so when you leave me. i should die. i deserve that. don't i? #you believed me like a god. i betray you like a man. #ohhhh my god. oh my god. #I THOUGHT I WAS DOING OKAY. guess not. the dogs barking in the bg too. and then WHINING. i need a min #mitski #my text #Spotify

[forevercloudnine]

#martianbat #martian manhunter #j'onn j'onzz #bruce wayne #dcau #sorry i'm in one of those moods where i have to read every comic they've ever interacted in #me to myself once every three months: yes yes bruce's villains we get it. can we talk about martian manhunter now? i mean god #anyway obviously j'onn and bruce's trauma are several magnitudes away from each other #but they sure do both have 'I CAN'T LOSE THEM AGAIN!' as a severe emotional reaction to their ptsd being triggered #also: currently very amused by the fact that earlier today i posted panels of j'onn rejecting kal's attempts to empathize with his trauma #(kal literally being another alien who is the last of his kind after all life on his planet was destroyed) #but now i'm posting panels of bruce successfully empathizing with j'onn's trauma and making him feel better #sorry kal i guess bruce is just built different

[ball-of-butter]

“i’m your man” by mitski is either a gut wrenching calore brothers angst song in the pov of maven, THE perfect end-of-king’s-cage marecal breakup song in mare’s pov, or one of the many sick (normal) mareven songs in interchanging pov

#‘i’m sorry im the one you love. no one will ever love me like you again.’ <- calore brothers line #‘one day you’ll figure me out. i’ll meet judgement by the hounds.’ <- marecal line #‘you believe me like a god. i destroy you like i am.’ <- mareven line #poor cal always idolises the people he loves and it always gets him shit in the end 😭💀 #red queen #red queen series #war storm #glass sword #tiberias vii calore #maven calore #kings cage #mare barrow #broken throne #mareven #marecal #rewriting

[andaxay]

I just finished replaying this gorgeous series again and basically, I'm not ok. Some of my favourite shots from this playthrough of GR2.

#Gravity Rush #Gravity Rush 2 #Gravity Daze #Gravity Daze 2 #my EMOTIONS #I knew I wasn't going to be ready and I wasn't ready #I'm sad it's over again and I'm sad because the whole Eto chapter destroys me every time #the epilogue is a gut punch #anyway I'll be over here crying thanks #also I'm just going to put it out there that Syd is one of the most underrated characters ever #I love him your honour

[echobx]

idk if or when I will post my OCxJJ fic but what you gotta understand is, that

JJ "we would find each other in every universe" Maybank x Eno "this is my single one shot at happiness, one wrong decision and this goes south" Carter

just slaps fucking hard to me and I can't even explain it without going on a tanget.

#stfu echo #it's the fact that I tried #I have so many AUs for them that I have written out or just drafted and just the tiniest change will cause a ripple effect that will cause #them to eventually not be together #it's one of the greatest things I have ever accidentally accomplished #bc it's so clear #she knows it that why she works so hard to keep him #but he's just happy to be there #and when you get an AU it ultimately ends with both of them completely destroyed and incapable of finding love again bc they fumbled the one #Aaaugghhhhh it makes me wanna bite people tbh #also #yes that's her name. no I can't change it anymore even though i lowkey want to #she has been with me for over a year I can't change this

[dazais-guardian-angel]

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all. #it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid) #and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable. #but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried......... #the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :))))) #insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!) #but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man. #it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/ #why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly??? #while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING??? #if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃 #shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now. #i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again.. #i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh) #at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*