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ssahotchhner · 3 years

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hunter, hunted

i should not be so excited about this but i just discovered that when you copy and paste text into a new post tumblr FINALLY allows italics and bolded fonts to be transferred over so I don't have to remember to go through it and do it myself again i could literally CRY rn. ANYWAY I thought it would be fun to write a oneshot like the Profiler, Profiled where Morgan is accused of murder. i created an oc for this one and I hope you love April I've spent a lot of time with her the last couple of weeks (:

words: 13.4k

pairing: hotch x oc

warnings: detailed descriptions of murder and torture and sexual assault

questions comments concerns

“Where’s the weapon, April?”

It was almost laughable. A federal agent handcuffed in an interrogation room being questioned for murder in her small town while visiting a childhood friend. She shakes her head at the detective, laughing. “I carry a gun on me at all times because, as I said, I’m a federal agent. You have it in your possession already. If you want to test it to see if I’ve fired it recently, be my guest. You won’t find anything.”

“You’re right, we won’t find anything because Brandon Perry died from blunt force trauma to the head. So I’ll ask you again, where is the weapon?”

This time, April does laugh. Of course he wasn’t shot. That would be too easy. “You know what, Detective Barnes, if you hadn’t kicked my hotel door down in the middle of the night, handcuffed me and dragged me in here, I may have cooperated with the investigation, but here we are. So I’ll tell you again: my Unit Chief is SSA Aaron Hotchner. I won’t be answering any more questions until I can speak with him.”

The middle aged man glares at her until finally getting up and leaving her alone in the interrogation room. She rested her head on the table and hoped that maybe that stupid motherfucker would listen to her this time.

***

“Hunter has been detained in Bar Harbor, Maine.” Hotch tells the team in the conference room.

JJ frowns, “Isn’t that her hometown? Why has she been arrested?”

“For murder.” Hotch says. Before the team can react, he pulls up a picture of Brandon Perry’s body, “Brandon Perry was found yesterday by a fisherman just off the docks a week after he was released from prison on parole. He had been bludgeoned to death with some sort of blunt object, the M.E. suggests a baseball bat.”

“And why do they think April did this?” Spencer asks.

Hotch clicks a button and a picture of a couple brutally murdered in their bed, a little boy who’s throat had been slashed, and a little girl with brown hair and bright green eyes, alive and well filled the screen, “Because he was serving time for the murders of Addison, Jacob, and Timothy Hunter. April’s family.”

Everyone stares at the monitor in shock, “Her whole family was murdered when she was a kid… and she never mentioned it to us?” Penelope asks, her lower lip trembling.

“April was left relatively unharmed, but she had been sexually assaulted by the assailant. She said he was tall, but he had on a ski mask so she was never able to give solid identification.” Hotch finishes.

“So how’d they connect these murders to Brandon Perry?” Rossi asks.

“He was connected to a couple other home invasions and assaults nearby so he entered a plea deal. The local police were under a lot of pressure to close the case.”

“Breaking into homes to murdering almost an entire family is a big escalation.” Morgan says.

Hotch nods, “I thought so too.”

“April was just a kid,” Prentiss says, “And to go through a trauma like that, I’m sure she believed whatever the police fed her. And to see him be released from prison like that… I hate to say it, but it could have been the trigger.”

Penelope’s shaking her head, “No, no, you guys don’t really think April did this, do you?”

Everyone’s silent for a moment and then Morgan speaks, “Baby girl, if she’s innocent, we’ll prove it. But we can’t rule out the possibility that she did this just yet.”

“I know April hasn’t been here that long,” Garcia says, “But she is still a part of this family. You can all treat her like an unsub, but I won’t.” She finishes and marches out of the conference room.

Aaron sighs, “Wheels up in thirty.” He says resolutely before leaving the room.

***

Hotch walked into the police station, the team at his back and was greeted by a man about April’s age who introduced himself as Detective Fielder. “Detective, I’d like to speak to my agent.” Hotch demanded after shaking the man’s hand.

The man shrugged, “Sorry, sir. My partner’s in there with her. She’s stubborn as hell. I went to school with her, you know it’s a shame the way her family died but… must’ve knocked a screw loose or somethin’. She ain’t ever been the same.”

Aaron thought it over, killers had made their way into the bureau before. Not like this, though. Not under the nose of his whole team. April kept to herself, but she had joined this team less than a year ago, it would be overwhelming for anyone. “You misunderstand, detective. It wasn’t a request. Bring me to my agent.”

Reluctantly, the younger detective brought Hotch to the back of the station where he could already hear another man, older by the sounds of it, screaming at April.

She was staring back at him, her posture relaxed, looking more annoyed than anything. Hotch walked in and she relaxed further, only then letting on that she had been putting on a show of being unbothered for the detective, “Thank God.” April sighs, “I thought maybe they didn’t call you.”

“Are you alright?” He asks her first, unable to explain why hearing another man scream at you had made his blood boil.

“I’m fine,” She says and directs her attention back to the older detective, “Detective Barnes won’t even get me a water, though.”

“Detective Fielder, get April some water.” Hotch demands. He can feel the two men exchange a look behind him before the younger detective leaves the room. “Detective Barnes, uncuff my agent.”

“You can’t let her go, you don’t have jurisdiction here.” He growls.

“I’m not suggesting you let her go, but even if you’re right she committed a one off crime of revenge. She’s not a threat to anyone here. Uncuff her.” The detective glared at April who only smirked at him. “Now, detective.” Aaron said, firmer this time.

With a look of disgust on his face, the detective uncuffed a smiling April as detective Fielder came back in the room with a cup of water. “Thank you, Billy.” April said as the detective placed the cup in front of her. He ignored her completely.

“I’d like to speak to her alone.”

“Like Hell.” Detective Barnes spat.

“With all due respect, detective, it doesn’t appear that you’ve gotten much out of her. You’re welcome to watch through the window, but I will be questioning her. Clear the room.” They stared at each other for another few moments before the detectives both left the room. Hotch turned back to April whose entire demeanor changed. She sighed, relaxing her shoulders and slouching over the table as she rubbed at her wrists where the cuffs had been. The antagonizing behavior Hotch had just witnessed her exhibit completely vanished.

“You don’t help when you antagonize them like that.” Hotch says.

She shrugs, “The men in this town don’t like a woman who thinks she’s his equal. They never liked my attitude. They like it even less now that I outrank them. Either I act like the superior I am, even in cuffs, or they force me into submission.”

He sits down at the table across from her, “Why didn’t you tell me about your family? It wasn’t in your file.”

“Strauss knew.” April says, immediately defensive. She hadn’t lied, the bureau knew.

“But you didn’t want me or the team knowing, why?” She doesn’t answer him, just stares at her hands. “April, I can’t help you if I don’t know.” He says gently.

Finally she looks up and sighs, “When I was twelve my entire family was brutalized and murdered in front of me, but not before the unsub raped me in front of my parents. And I didn’t react the way the people of this town wanted me to. I was twelve and I was covered in semen when he left. So I showered before calling 911. I didn’t cry even once in front of anyone and I never spoke about what happened to anyone, not even the police. Only enough to tell them that I had no idea what he looked like, but I thought he was white.” Her eyes water just slightly and she doesn’t meet his eyes, “For the six years after the murders that I stayed in this town, I know a lot of people thought I did it. That I was some kind of psychopath. So no, I didn’t want it in my file.”

“You thought maybe we’d arrive at the same decision the town did.” Hotch opens the case file, “But you were never tried or even considered a real suspect. There was no physical evidence.”

She smiles sadly, “No physical evidence means nothing to a small town who’s rarely ever seen a scandal, and certainly nothing like this.”

He stares at her for a moment, “And so when Brandon Perry was released from jail, you thought he hadn’t suffered nearly enough so you came back up here and killed him.” April laughs and Hotch can see he’s made her feel antagonistic again, “This isn’t funny, April, you’re a suspect in a homicide.”

“No, Hotch, you don’t understand. It’s funny because I don’t even believe Brandon Perry killed my family and I haven’t believed that for a long long time. Which is why it would make no goddamn sense for me to kill him.”

“That’s bullshit!” The door bursts open and detective Barnes walks in.

“Detective--” Hotch stands as if to shield her and April nearly frowns at how protective he seems to be of her right now. She had seen him this way around the rest of the team, but never her.

“You told Detective Fielder when you were fifteen that you would kill that son of bitch yourself if he ever got out of jail.”

Hotch looks at April with a bit of annoyance, he hated when others had more information than him and from the second he walked in here she kept hiding things from him, not telling him the whole truth.

She lazily rolls her eyes and stares at Billy, “I was fifteen. I was angry. He cooperated with the police so he had the opportunity to get parole after fifteen years? Get his life back after I thought he had ruined mine? Yeah, I said some stupid shit, I think any kid would have.”

“When did you start to doubt that Brandon Perry had killed your family?” Hotch asks, but she’s still shooting daggers at the other detectives, “Agent, eyes here.” He says roughly, growing impatient with her.

Her eyes snap to his, “I used to lurk on support pages for people whose loved ones had been murdered and I remember seeing that this girl described… Almost exactly what had happened to my family, but she said it happened while Brandon was on trial here. She lived a couple towns over.”

“So what did you do?”

She shrugs, “Nothing, I was seventeen, I didn’t have any resources there was nothing I could do.”

Hotch sits down across from her again, leaning over the table so he’s closer to her, “You really expect me to believe, with the conviction you just said Brandon is innocent, that you didn’t look into this further?” She stays quiet and won’t meet his eyes, “I can have Garcia search your desk and computer if you’d rather do this that way.”

She leans back in her chair, rolling her eyes, “Jesus fucking Christ, I’m not a fucking criminal.”

“Then tell me what you know.” Hotch says, voice raised.

“Fine! I started volunteering at the police station so I could get access to files. I was good with the digital databases, but no one else was so they basically gave me free reign. I was able to find three similar cases, all within a couple years of each other but in different cities. One of them, he crossed into New Hampshire. All of the local police departments either arrested someone like Brandon or dismissed it as a one off crime and let it go cold. The files are in my desk drawer at the BAU.”

“You carried them with you all this time?”

She picks at the cuticles around her thumb, something Hotch noticed weeks ago she does when she’s nervous. “I thought… I thought about asking you guys to just look at the case a million times. See if you saw what I saw. And if you didn’t then maybe I could finally move on.”

“So why didn’t you ask?”

Her eyes dart around the room, to the detectives, the one way window, and then back to Hotch, “You guys, the team, you all have… This unbreakable bond and I… I barely just got here and I thought if I’d asked…” She sighs and runs her hands through her hair, “I just… I didn’t think you’d care.”

“The whole team flew out here at the drop of hat for you and you think we wouldn’t care?”

She frowns, “The whole team is here?”

“Yes.”

April sits back in her chair, looking dazed.

“Detectives, you’ll be releasing Agent Hunter from your custody now and since we have reason to believe there’s a serial killer loose and across state lines, we’ll be staying on the case.”

“You don’t really believe anything she’s saying, do you? She’s a psychopath!” Detective Barnes fumed.

Hotch stands and steps to the detective who immediately takes a step back after noticing Hotch’s menacing stance, “She is a federal agent and is no longer a suspect, you have no physical evidence and you just lost motive. You will speak to her with respect and if you don’t think you can handle that I’ll contact your superintendent and have you removed from the case. Is that clear?”

The detective stood back and out of their way, April looking at the ground so Hotch wouldn’t have to yell at her for antagonizing them again.

“What’s the history with you and Billy?” Hotch asks as they walk out of the room.

April rolls her eyes, “He was my high school boyfriend.”

“Oh,” Hotch muses, “You can do better.”

Before she can figure out if he was joking or not, the team realizes she’s walking of her own free will and they seem to all release the tension in their bodies. JJ walks to April first, pulling her into a hug before she can react.

April slowly raises her arms to hug JJ back, “I wish you had told us sooner.” Is all she says.

“I’m sorry you guys came all the way out here.” April addresses the team when JJ moves away from her.

“That’s okay, Hunter, we’re just glad to see you aren’t a murderer.” Morgan teases.

“We might actually be staying here for a while after all.” Hotch says.

Prentiss frowns, “Is there a case here?”

April opens and closes her mouth, “I-- Maybe.”

“Why don’t you call Garcia, ask her to get those files to everyone.” Hotch says to her quietly.

April nods and walks off.

“What’s going on, Hotch?” Rossi asks.

Hotch pushes his hands in his pockets, “The reason we were able to clear Hunter is because she has no motive. She doesn’t believe Brandon Perry killed her family and she hasn’t since she was a teenager.” He pauses, “She thinks the murders may be the work of a serial killer. She found three additional cases nearby, one crosses over to New Hampshire, that she believes are the work of the same unsub.”

Prentiss slowly nods, “And you want us to see if that’s true or not.”

Hotch nods, “I’m sure April would really appreciate our support.”

Everyone on the team is already nodding when April comes back, “So, as Penelope might say… Avengers assemble?” She asks hopefully.

Thankfully, they all laugh and nod, even Hotch cracks a smile, “Great.” April sighs in relief, “Let’s go to the conference room.”

With Garcia on a laptop screen, April tells them everything she knows, which admittedly, isn’t much. However, there are overwhelming similarities between the cases.

“Every family he chose was wife, husband, two kids. The eldest was the daughter all between the ages of 11-13 and in each case the daughter was raped and kept alive.” April was speaking as if she wasn’t speaking about herself and Hotch would be lying if he said it didn’t concern him. “In each case the parents were brutally tortured with a knife, forced to watch the rape and then killed with a fatal gunshot to the head. The boy was always killed first and it was always quick.”

“A mercy kill?” Reid muses.

April sighs, “I’ve never been able to figure that part out. It’s obvious he gets off on the rape and torture of the parents and daughter, but why not leave the boy alive the way he always leaves the daughter if it’s out of mercy?”

“It could be he thinks he’s sparing the boy the pain and trauma of having to go through the after effects of watching his parents and sister tortured.” Prentiss says.

“When all is said and done the daughter suffers the most psychologically.” Hotch says, “She could be the real target, maybe a surrogate for someone he knew.”

At this point, Hotch notices the way April is staring at the table, eyes unfocused, “Hunter,” Her eyes shoot up, “You must be exhausted, let me drive you back to the hotel so you can get some rest.”

“Hotch, I’m fine, I want to help.”

“No,” He says and she frowns, “If the daughter is the true target we’re going to have to dive deeper into victimology. Why he chose you. You don’t want to be here for that.”

Everyone’s quiet and deliberately looks away from April. She sighs, “Fine, but I’m coming back first thing in the morning.” She stands and walks out of the conference room without waiting for Hotch.

“Garcia, see what you can find about April’s childhood as well as the other victims and let us know if there’s any similarities.” Hotch says.

“It feels icky, but I’ll do it.” Garcia responds.

“I’ll be back.” Hotch addresses the rest of the team before heading after April.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, Hotch glancing over to the passenger seat every few seconds. “Whatever you want to say just say it.” April says, growing tired of the constant glances.

“You don’t have to keep working on this case like it’s any other case--”

“It’s not just any other case.”

“I know,” He says gently, “I’m worried about you. I know you bottle things up, showing emotion to other people makes you feel vulnerable, which in turn makes you feel weak. And I worry that the way you’re bottling up your rage is going to lead to you taking it out on--”

“I didn’t kill Brandon.” She says.

“I know you didn’t. But if we do find the real killer, I can’t let you come with us into the field until he’s been taken into custody.”

“Hotch--”

“It’s not up for discussion. I’m sorry.”

She sat back in the seat and crossed her arms over her chest and they continue on in silence for a while longer. “Do you think our unsub is also responsible for Brandon’s death?” Hotch felt guilty about upsetting her and thought maybe getting her brain back into work mode would stop her from giving him the silent treatment.

For a few moments he thinks she might continue to ignore him, but finally, she sighs, “It’s possible. If we think he gets off on the suffering of the daughters, he might be upset that I thought he had been caught. That I felt safe knowing he was behind bars. Killing Brandon after he was released could have been a message to me that he’s still out there and obviously following me.”

“You don’t feel safe anymore.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“It was implied.” Hotch pauses, “I can stay at the hotel with you, work with the team remotely from the room next to yours.”

He expects her to refuse, but instead she agrees. “Okay.” She says quietly. This only worries him more as she is typically unlikely to accept help unless he insists upon it.

They walk up to the hotel room in silence and Hotch stands behind her as she unlocks her door, “Hey,” He says softly and she turns, “Anything you need, anything at all, I’ll be right there.” He nods his head to the door next to them.

“Thank you.” She says, giving him a small smile before pushing the hotel door open and then quickly closing it behind her.

He stands there for a moment, staring at the space she was just standing in before sighing and going to his own room.

“How is she doing?” Rossi asks when he calls the team from his room to let them know he’ll be staying there.

“She won’t admit it, but she’s scared. She thinks he might be following her and that Brandon Perry was a message to her that he’s still out there.”

“That would make sense if we think the girls are the real targets.” Prentiss chimes in.

Hotch stays on the phone with them a little while longer before they all decide to head back to the hotel. He stares at the wall that separates him from April and tries to get his mind to quiet enough to rest. He’s right here. Nothing will hurt her if he’s right here. He thought about how just last week Rossi had teased him for catching him staring at April. He had nearly convinced Aaron to ask her out. But she was so distant and hard to read and he didn’t want to chance rejection. Eventually, he closes his eyes and drifts off, an image of you smiling at him on the backs of his eyelids.

***

April was exhausted, but she stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours. Small noises that she never thought twice about now startled her. Hotch is next door. She reminded herself. She thought about the comment he made about Billy: You could do better. Had he been… Flirting? Aaron Hotchner… Flirting? It felt absurd. Shaking the thought out of her head, she got up and poured herself some water from the Brita in the mini fridge. Finally, after drinking the water, she’s able to fall asleep.

The breeze against her face wakes her. Slowly blinking her eyes into consciousness, she notices the balcony doors are open. Those were closed when I fell asleep, She thinks to herself and shoots up in bed, scrambling for her gun as her heart races. April considers yelling to Hotch, but if he’s still here she doesn’t want to scare him off.

On the wall at the foot of her bed reads “Welcome Home” in what looks like blood. Under it sits her favorite childhood teddy bear, head ripped clean off. She tightens her grip on the gun in order to stop the shaking and then glances around the room, but there’s nothing. Then she slowly opens the bathroom door. Pointing her gun at the shower, the curtain moves. She doesn’t hesitate she fires off four rounds, breathing hard. She doesn’t hear a body fall. Reaching out she pushes the curtain, but no one’s there.

Seconds later, Hotch is calling her name, but he doesn’t wait for a response before kicking down the door. “Hunter?” He calls again and she thinks she might hear fear in his voice. Fear for her?

“I’m in the bathroom. You can put down your gun, it’s clear.” He appears behind her a moment later, still staring at the shower, “I thought he was still in here.”

She walks around him and back out to where he left the message, “He came in through the balcony, I— I thought I locked it…” She trails off, looking at the glass of water on the table and realizing she can’t remember when she fell asleep.

“What is it?” Hotch asks.

“He was in here before. I think he drugged my water.”

He narrows his eyes at her, “We should go to the hospital then, I’ll have the team come here and treat this as a crime scene.”

“I don’t need to go to the hospital, I’m fine—“

“We don’t know what he gave you or how much, besides, having you tested will tell us what he used faster than sending a sample of the water to Quantico.”

“Fine.” She agrees begrudgingly, he was right. She walks over to her bag of clothes and it’s only at this moment that she realizes she had worn only an oversized t-shirt to bed and Hotch was making a valiant effort not to stare at her legs.

“I’ll, um, I have to get dressed as well.” He says hurriedly, gesturing to the pajama pants he’s wearing. He leaves before she can say anything else. Under normal circumstances, April’s sure this would have made her laugh, but that teddy bear seems to be staring her down. She gets dressed and leaves the room without another glance.

***

April stares out the window of the SUV in silence while Hotch calls Rossi to fill him in on what happened so the rest of the team can start assessing her hotel room. When he hangs up, she feels his eyes darting between her and the road again.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks quietly.

She’s quiet for a moment and then she takes a shaky breath, “That teddy bear went missing from my room a couple weeks before the murders. It was my favorite.” She swipes impatiently at the tears that start falling, “I blamed Timmy for it, we fought about it for hours. He felt so bad that I was mad at him he used his birthday money to buy me another one. I really thought he took it.” She tilts her head back in the headrest, trying desperately to stop the impending sobs.

Hotch doesn’t say anything, but he reaches across the car to hold her hand. To her own surprise, she lets him, the calluses on his thumb rubbing reassuring circles on the back of her hand.

***

“What do you have, Garcia?” Hotch steps out of your examination room for a moment to accept the call.

“How is she?” Penelope asks first.

“She’s… shaken up. But, like everyone else on this team does an excellent job of seeming unaffected.”

She sighs, “My poor wonder woman. Anyway, I think I found the connection between all the daughters.”

“What is it?”

“Well, it turns out that our April was a very talented child. Her parents took her to talent shows regularly, she was voted ‘Most Likely To Make It To Hollywood’ in her middle school yearbook.”

Hotch frowns and looks back at April, “We’re talking about the same federal agent, right?”

“I know, sir, not much surprises me anymore, but this did. There’s videos of her singing all over the internet, she was on the local news, quite the young star.”

“And the other victims?”

“All singers, sir. Every last one.”

“Thanks, Garcia.”

He walks back into April’s room, “You used to be a singer.” He says.

She rolls her eyes, “So?”

“So all the other daughters were singers too.” She sets her jaw and won’t meet his eyes. She’s not surprised by this information. “Why didn’t you mention it?”

“I didn’t think it was relevant.”

“You didn’t think it was relevant that there was a connection between all of the victims?”

She sighs and she feels shame at his obvious disappointment, “I’m sorry. I’ve worked really hard to block it out, sometimes I honestly forget.”

“What else aren’t you telling me?”

She bites her lip and looks down at her hands, picking at the cuticles around her thumb again, “He made me sing while… While he raped me.”

“Is there anything else?”

“No. I swear.”

He stares at her for moment and she knows he’s trying to see if she’s lying. It makes her angry at him, but also at herself. Maybe Hotch had never been as fond of her as the others, but he had never distrusted her. Just another thing the unsub had taken from her. “What song did he make you sing?”

The question is so painful to think about that she visibly flinches, “Do you really need to know that?”

“You know I do.” He says softly.

She looks away from him again, back to the cuticle on her thumb that she’s made bleed, “Like A Virgin by Madonna.”

He places his hand over hers again and she finds it almost alarming the way his touch seems to immediately calm her. “April, we won’t stop until we find him. I promise.”

She gives him a teary smile, “Will you stay with me?”

He smiles back at her, giving her a hand a slight squeeze and his smile takes her breath away, “I’ll be glued to your side until this case is over.”

***

A couple hours later they had found out that there was a classic date rape drug in April’s system: Gamma-hydroxybutyric acid, or GHB. The drug is usually prescribed for narcolepsy, but it was most often obtained illegally from Mexican pharmacies which they assumed was how the unsub got it.

“I’m bringing you back to the police station so you can stay with me and the team like I promised, but you don’t have to keep working the case.” Hotch says as he drives.

“Funny that you think you can stop me from working the case.”

He smirks a bit and brings his attention back to the road.

“What do you guys have for a profile so far?” He looks over at her, frowning. “What? I know you guys have been working while I’ve been reliving my trauma so what’ve you got?”

“White male, when he murdered your family he was probably in his twenties so now we’re guessing mid thirties to early forties. The torture is consistent with a sadist. Killing an entire family is an incredibly high risk crime which suggests he’s a narcissist, but also very organized. He’s able to control four people at once without much difficulty and he’s never left a shred of physical evidence behind except on the daughters. This means he’s arrogant and--” Hotch cuts himself off.

“What?”

“You said you showered before calling 911. Why?”

“I… I told you he left… He left his semen all over me, I was just a kid, I wanted a shower--”

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“No, that doesn’t make any sense. Yes, you were traumatized, but every kid has it hardwired in their brain that as soon as something bad happens the first thing they do is call 911.”

“Okay, well I didn’t.”

He presses some buttons on the console of the car and then Garcia’s voice is coming through the speaker, “At your service, sir.”

“Garcia, in any of the family murders, was there a rape kit done on any of the daughters?”

“Well, surely there must have been-- Oh. No, no rape kits, not on any of them.”

“Does a police report tell you why?”

“I’m checking… and…” There’s a sigh from Penelope.

“What is it, Garcia?”

“All of them showered before calling 911.”

April is already shaking her head, “No, no that can’t be right.”

“Did any of them report why they showered before calling for help?”

“Most of them, like April, just reported that they felt icky and needed to shower, but the first one, the very first victim Katie Yates, she reported that the unsub made her shower. Like, held her at gunpoint, marched her to the bathroom, and watched. Once he was satisfied with how clean she was, he left while she was still in the shower.”

“That’s not what happened,” April says quietly, her eyes closed.

“Thank you, Garcia.” Hotch says and hangs up the phone before she can respond, “April--”

“No.” She says fiercely, “I’m telling you that’s not what happened.”

“Every other aspect of the crime is controlled and calculated, he wouldn’t make the mistake of leaving DNA all over his victims--”

“I would remember that if he did--”

“No,” Hotch says gently. He had pulled into the police station now, putting the car in park, “No, because you didn’t want to remember. Just that one memory, that one you wanted so badly to believe was your own. That he wasn’t there for the shower. But he was, wasn’t he?”

“Please stop.” She said breathlessly.

“I’m sorry.” He sounds sincere and he puts his hand over hers, “Look at me.” She doesn’t obey immediately so he reaches up to grip her chin and gently turn her face to his. Her eyes are shining and her breathing is uneven, but his eyes are soft and she has the absurd urge to rest her forehead against his. “He can’t hurt you anymore. You’re safe.”

She nods and swallows. “I need you to walk me through exactly what happened after the rape.” He continues. Her lip trembles, but she nods again. “Okay, close your eyes.”

“Hotch--” She whimpers.

“I’m right here. I’ll be here the whole time. You know how this goes. Close your eyes.” She takes a shaky breath and closes her eyes. “Good. He’s on top of you still. He’s just finished. Tell me what you feel, what you hear.”

“Um. I’m crying. I can hear my parents crying. His weight on me is making it hard to breathe.” She starts panicking, her breathing quickens.

“April, focus. He’s not here. You’re safe. What about your hands, what are you touching?”

“The carpet. I’m on the floor in the basement.”

“Can you see your parents?”

“Yes,” She gulps, “But I’m trying not to look at them. It’s humiliating.”

“Okay. Now what is he doing?”

“He… He kisses my neck and whispers in my ear ‘Thank you for the show’ and then he stands up.” Her breathing quickens, “He’s walking to my parents, I don’t want to watch, he’s going to kill them, Hotch--!”

“Okay, okay, come back. Open your eyes. I’m here.” His hands come up to cradle her face. She should be startled by her boss touching her like this, but she’s oddly comforted.

Her breathing finally slows, “I’m tired.” She says softly.

“I know. We’re almost done. Close your eyes again, you can do this.” His hands stay on her face as she closes her eyes again, “Okay. Your parents are dead. What does he do now?”

“Uh, I’m screaming. He’s looking at me and laughing and then he grabs my arm and pulls me up from the floor. I struggle and he puts the gun to my head and says if I don’t calm down he’ll blow out my brains like he did my parents. And then… He walks me up the stairs to the bathroom…” Her breathing becomes rapid again, “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Yes you can.” Hotch’s voice is low and soothing. He believes in you, she thinks to herself, if he thinks you can do this, you can.

“He turns on the shower. I’m already naked and once I’m in the shower he starts undressing.” Silent tears stream down her cheeks and she’s distantly aware of Hotch gently wiping them away with the pads of his thumbs. “He comes in the shower. He’s touching me. I’m begging him to stop. Oh, God.”

“April, stay there. He’s undressed, he’s taken the mask off, do you recognize him?”

She’s shaking her head, “I can’t… I can’t look.”

“The water’s hitting your skin, his hands are on you--”

“Stop.”

“Look up, April.”

Despite herself, she listens. She’s in that shower, significantly smaller than she is now, and she looks up to see blue eyes looking down at her. Shaggy brown hair nearly covers them, especially now that it’s wet. He has a smirk on his face and crooked front teeth. There’s a tattoo on his right arm of a cross.

“Okay, okay that’s enough, you did it.” Hotch’s voice pulls her back out and she becomes aware of the car that’s still around them and the fact that she’s sobbing. “You’re okay. You’re safe. You did so good.” She falls forward in his arms and after a moment of hesitation he wraps his arms around her, holding her until her breathing settles. It takes him a moment to realize that anyone could look in the SUV and find him in a seemingly compromising position with his subordinate and he pulls away. To his shock, she seems to look disappointed. “You ready to go inside?”

“Yeah.” She says and without another word, she gets out of the car. Hotch can’t deny that he feels like he’s done something wrong as he watches April walk into the station.

When April walks in the station, her whole team cranes their heads to watch her, but she heads straight for the coffee without looking at anyone. Hotch files in soon after.

“Is she okay?” Reid asks, the rest of the team waits for his answer.

“I just gave her a cognitive interview, I’m sure she’s upset.”

“Did you learn anything?” JJ asks.

“Yeah,” Hotch nods, “She remembers what he looks like and she identified a tattoo on his right arm.”

“We should have Garcia run that, see if we can get an ID.” Morgan says.

“Call a sketch artist as well.” Hotch looks up at where April was standing just a few moments ago to see her gone, “Excuse me.”

***

April’s hands shake so hard as she tries to pour the coffee she ends up putting it down in frustration. “Need some help?” She turns to see Billy, standing there smirking at her.

Sighing, she stands back and gestures for him to go ahead. He steps in to pour the coffee, “Pretty elaborate ruse you got going on, staging a break in at your hotel room with that teddy bear.”

She stares at him in disbelief, “You still think I did this?”

“I think,” He says, handing her a cup of coffee, “That you’re impulsive and you went to confront Brandon and you didn’t mean to kill him, but you did and now this is all to cover everything up.”

“Oh,” She scoffs and starts walking away from him, “You are delusional and a dick.”

He follows April into another room and closes the door behind them, “Open the door.” She says when she realizes she’s shut in.

“You and your stupid FBI team are making this whole police force look bad, you need to drop the investigation.”

“The cases cross state lines, we have jurisdiction.”

“Yeah, you would have jurisdiction if there was a real case, but there isn’t. You’re a pathological liar and you can’t even see it. Brandon Perry murdered your family and raped you and just can’t let it go.”

“You’re a sick son of a bitch,” She walks around him to the door, but he turns quickly and places his palm against the door, slamming it shut again. “Let me out.” She says slowly.

“I’ll let you out when you promise me that you’re going to march out there and tell them that you’ve been lying this whole time and then march your pretty ass back to D.C.”

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll arrest you for the murder of Brandon Perry.”

“You have no evidence.”

“Oh, April, April, April. I know you know what a coerced confession is here. And I also know that you know a jury of your peers here in Maine would send you to prison for less.”

There’s a sharp knock on the door and Billy finally steps away. When she opens it, Hotch is on the other side, “Everything okay in here?”

“Just fine, Agent Hotchner. Isn’t that right April?” Billy says and grabs a strand of her hair, twirling it around his finger and tugging, exactly like he used to when he sat behind her in middle school.

April slaps her hand on his wrist and twists his arm around until he yells. “You lay a hand on me or threaten me again, I will make sure you don’t have a career here anymore. Understood?”

“You can’t--” He starts, but she twists his arm further.

“Am I clear?” She says again.

“Alright, fine!”

She shoves him away and he stumbles, nearly falling to the floor as April storms out, Hotch still standing in the doorway, watching Billy.

“I told you,” Billy says, pushing himself to standing, “She’s a crazy bitch.”

“Detective, let me make myself very clear. If you continue to harass my agent or impede on this investigation in any way, not only will I make sure you never have a career in law enforcement again, I will arrest you for obstructing a federal investigation.”

Billy shakes his head, “She’s got you all wrapped around her finger.”

“And I think your boss has you wrapped around his finger. He’s the one who arrested Brandon Perry. Seems like he would have a lot more to lose if he was wrong than you would.”

“He wasn’t wrong.”

“Then let us conduct the investigation. If it leads back to Brandon Perry, then so be it.”

“You really think she’d accept that?”

“If the evidence led us there, she would. Now stay out of our investigation if you value your job.” Hotch leaves without giving him time to respond and then tries to find April.

“Are you alright?” He asks when he finds her. She’s sitting alone at a conference table.

“I’m fine, Billy’s just an asshole.”

“There’s more to your relationship than you told me to begin with.”

She frowns, “What are you talking about?”

“You said you came up here to visit a friend. Who were you visiting?”

“I’m tired of being interrogated--”

“The reason Billy is so sure you killed Brandon Perry is because you were with him that night and then you left suddenly, isn’t it?”

April sighs and looks down at the table, “Hotch, I appreciate everything you’re doing to help, but who I was with and what I was doing that night doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t kill Brandon so please just drop it.”

He shakes his head and he looks almost frustrated with April, but that doesn’t make any sense. Why would he care so much about her relationship with Billy? “I don’t understand why you would waste your time on a cop like that, look at what a mess it put you in.”

She frowns, “With all due respect, sir, it’s really not your business who I’m sleeping with.”

“Why did you leave that night if you didn’t kill Brandon?”

She scoffs, “I can’t believe this.”

“Answer the question.”

She was angry with him. Practically bursting at the seams with rage. Just like every other man, thinking he’s entitled to everything about her. They all disappointed her in the end. “Billy and I had a fight and I wanted to be alone.”

“What was the fight about?”

“He wanted to be an official couple again. I didn’t.”

“Why not?”

She tilts her head to the side, “Just because I’m a good fuck doesn’t mean he gets to claim me. Like you said, he’s just a stupid cop and I could do better. Now will you leave me alone?”

April recognized that look in his eyes: He was jealous. Aaron Hotchner was jealous that she had a sexual relationship with another man. And suddenly her anger evaporated and was replaced by desire. She supposed she did always have a thing for older men which she was sure a profiler would say had to do with her dead dad. Either way, she sent a smoldering glare his way until he left her alone.

When he left, she rested her head on the table in exhaustion and didn’t notice Emily had approached until she heard the seat in front of her being pulled out. She raises her head and manages a smile, “Hi.”

“How are you doing?” She asks.

“Better now that you’re here, I’m tired of all the men around here.”

She laughs, “Good. Well, the sketch artist is here and I’m sad to report that he is a man.” April groans. “But, I will stay with you if you want and then I think we’re all going to work through the night, but Hotch was talking about bringing you back to the hotel to get some rest. It sounds like you had a rough day.”

“Yeah,” She sighs, “Cognitive interviews are the worst.”

As promised, Emily sits with her while she talks to the sketch artist and Hotch walks over not long after. When it’s finished, Emily gives your hand a squeeze and leaves with the sketch to pin to the evidence board.

“You should get some rest, I’ll take you back to the hotel now.” Hotch says, hands in his pockets. It was intriguing to her that he could act like he didn’t just ask about her sex life only an hour ago.

“I can’t sleep in that room again.”

“You can sleep in mine. I’ll sleep on the floor,” He adds quickly upon seeing the look on her face.

She sighs, “You don’t have to sleep on the floor, just don’t touch me.”

“Won’t be a problem.” And with the indifference in his tone, she thought maybe she had actually imagined everything earlier.

“Great.” She murmurs and gets up to walk out first.

Hotch stays behind for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose and Rossi comes up behind him, “You picked a terrible time to start giving her hints about the way you feel, Aaron.”

“We’re trying to solve a case about her family’s murder and all I can think about is how pissed off it makes me to know that she’s been sleeping with someone else.”

“You’re human.”

Hotch just shakes his head and walks away.

***

“Daddy driving you home?”

The voice behind April makes her jump, her hand flying automatically to her gun.

“Woah, it’s just me April.” Billy laughs, leaning up against the station building, “You really are on edge, lately, huh? A sign of guilt or genuine fear?”

She could strangle him right here, she thinks. But instead, she reigns in her temper and leans against the wall next to him, “What about your daddy, huh? Haven’t seen him here all day. Is he too busy making wrongful arrests?”

Billy scoffs, “Yeah, and how’s your stupid little profile going? Did you find the real killer yet?”

She sighs, “You cops are all the same, think your old fashioned police work is better than profiling.”

Billy looks like he’s about to respond, but Hotch walks through the door just then, “There’s daddy, you better hurry up and get in the car like a good girl.”

Hotch barely registers what Billy’s said before April launches herself at him, fists flying. He immediately reacts, grabbing her arms, “Hunter, hey, hey! That’s enough! Get in the car.” He says sternly.

She shakes him off, but walks to the car all the same.

“Fucking bitch.” Billy mutters, drawing Hotch’s attention back to him.

“Detective, I thought I made myself clear that you were to stay away from my agent and out of my case.”

Billy steps up, eye to eye with Hotch, “This is my station, agent. Back off.”

Hotch stares him down for a few more moments, “The superintendent will be hearing from me tomorrow, at the very least you’ll be getting suspended. Maybe now’s a good time for you to clean out your desk.” And then he turns and walks back to the SUV, ignoring Billy’s curses behind him.

Once Hotch is in the SUV and starts driving away, he starts talking to April, “When you’re out in the field you represent me, you represent the team, and the whole bureau. You can’t just--”

“I don’t need a lecture right now.”

He’s surprised to hear tears in her voice and it softens him immediately, “April, I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you today.”

“You’ve only done what you need to do to solve the case, you shouldn’t apologize.”

“No, no, I… I shouldn’t have questioned you about Billy earlier. You were right, it’s none of my business.”

“It’s fine.” She says. First indifference, now an apology. Maybe she really had imagined everything. “I just want to sleep.”

***

Hotch works for a while by the light of the lamp when you get into bed, poring over the case files again and again, trying to figure out if they had missed anything. He’s pretty sure April is actually sleeping and once he’s sure he can’t get any more work done, he turns off the lamp and gets ready for bed.

He slips in the bed as quietly as possible, hoping not to wake her, but there’s the smallest moan that escapes her lips when the mattress shifts. A moment later, she turns over, still in sleep and slings her arm over his chest, sighing contentedly as she rests her head on his chest. Hotch freezes, unsure of how to react before slowly wrapping his arms around her in return. Her shampoo smells like peaches and vanilla and he breathes it in deeply knowing in the morning she’ll pretend this never happened.

***

When April wakes up and finds herself in Hotch’s arms, legs tangled under the sheets, she does her best not to panic. With the way they were positioned, it was clear she had initiated this which was all the more embarrassing. Lucky for her though, she doesn’t have to figure out her next move because his phone rings. She pretends to be asleep as he slowly comes to wakefulness and reaches for his phone.

“Hotchner.” His voice is husky from sleep and it sends a thrill through her and she imagines for a moment what it would be like if Aaron Hotchner was hers. Then she hears Billy’s voice in her head calling him her daddy and the moment sours.

“Okay.” He says after a few moments, “We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

He ends the call and sets the phone back on the nightstand, but to her surprise, he doesn’t immediately wake her. “Are you awake?” He whispers after a few moments and she tries not to balk.

“Mmm.” Is all she manages and she keeps her eyes closed, not sure she can meet his eyes like this.

“They’ve, um… Another family was killed last night.” He tries to say it as gently as possible, but she shoots up in bed anyway, “The daughter was killed as well this time.”

She’s shaking her head, “No… No, that can’t be. She has to… She can’t be dead.”

“It’s probably a message to you.” Hotch says calmly.

She scoffs, “That’s great. A whole family’s dead because of me.”

“This isn’t your fault.”

“Oh, like hell it isn’t.” She says, climbing out of bed and pulling on her jeans. She doesn’t fully realize who she’s getting dressed in front of until Hotch tries to subtly avert his eyes. “I should’ve solved this case years ago. I’ve known it was serial for a while. I could have saved them.”

“You know as well as I do that thinking like that isn’t helpful for anyone.” He says, following her lead and getting dressed in front of her. The fact that they’re both acting like nothing out of the ordinary has taken place between them makes everything somehow even more intimate.

She sighs, “Let’s just get over there.” And she walks into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

***

April can feel the bile rising in her throat as her team mills around the crime scene. She’s crouched next to the girl, Layla, whose throat had been slit. She had also been stabbed too many times to be counted by the naked eye. Her eyes stared blankly ahead, but April could see the fear there. He had left her here, in front of her parents’ bodies, naked. “He went through the entire ritual, even the shower, then brought her back down here and killed her.”

“He’s always been very controlled and organized, but this last kill is full of rage.” Prentiss notices.

April frowns as she looks at Layla’s throat and notices that it almost seems to be bulging, “I think there’s something in her throat.” She pulls on her latex gloves while everyone crowds around her and then gently prys the girl’s jaw open. Reaching in, her fingers brush what feels like crumpled paper at the back of her throat and April pulls it out. Heart racing, she smooths it open.

Welcome home, April. I’d like to see the woman I’ve created. Arrive alone at the place where we first met, 20:00.

Everyone was silent as April read the note over and over after reading it aloud the first time. The word “alone” had been underlined several times. There was no threat attached to it, but April knew it was one all the same.

“We’ll have to call SWAT and let them know, we’ll also have to prepare the local police--”

“No.” April cut off Hotch, “You can’t be serious, he said to come alone.”

“April, his end game is clearly to kill you, if you go there by yourself you won’t come back out. And I already told you you’re not allowed to handle the arrest.”

“This is our one shot to get him,” Her eyes water, “This family died because of me--”

“Hunter--”

“Stop.” The tears fall down her cheeks and he wants to brush them away like he had the day before. “I won’t let this happen again, I’m going to see him by myself.”

“At least go in with a wire, we’ll stay a safe distance away.” Morgan bargained.

She shifts her attention to Morgan, to her team who are all looking at her sadly. Concern dripping heavy from their limbs. “No SWAT.” She insists, “Just this team.”

Hotch sighs and rubs a hand over his face, “You’re sure you can handle this?”

She wasn’t, but she nods anyway.

“Fine.” Is all he says before walking away.

***

Aaron is conscious of her eyes on him as he helps her put the wire on, “You steer the conversation away from yourself when you’re in there. Don’t let your guard down for a second. He’s going to try to get in your head, blame you for what he’s done. Don’t let him, just feed his ego and then call us when you’ve got him. Okay?”

“Yeah.” She says quietly.

He finishes putting the wire on and leans away from her in the surveillance van, “I can go in with you.” He says, giving it one last shot.

“No.”

He nods resolutely, “Promise me you’ll walk out of there alive.” She avoids meeting his eyes, “April.”

Finally she locks her eyes to his, “I’m scared.” She says, and her voice shakes.

It’s the first time he’s heard her admit it. He’d known she felt it, but she’d never admitted it. “Listen to me.” He says firmly, “You are not the twelve year old girl he knew. You’re stronger than him. You can do this.”

She takes a deep breath and nods, moving around him to exit the van.

“Be careful.” He says one last time and he thinks maybe she’s aware of just how worried he is about her, his eyes full of concern.

She gives him a small smile before turning away and walking down the street, rounding the last block to her childhood home, the house she hadn’t entered again since the murders. The town was small and since everyone knew what had happened there, it had never been sold.

April stands just outside the house for a minute, hand hovering just above her gun, trying to get both hands to stop shaking. Hotch believes in you. She reminds herself, recalling his words in the van. She can do this.

She’d been avoiding thinking about all his touches in the last few days. The way his rough, callused fingers felt so gentle on her face when she cried. The way he’d wrapped his arms around her in sleep, almost protectively. The way when he woke to answer his phone this morning he had absently stroked her shoulder. Did they mean anything to him or was he just an overworked, touch starved man, desperate for any sort of attention, even from her.

Shaking the thoughts from her head, she headed for the door, raising her gun as she approached. The door was already slightly ajar and she pushed it lightly with the pads of her fingers. Carefully, she cleared each room, heart ricocheting against her rib cage, though she already knew where he’d be waiting for her.

After they had found the last family, Garcia had been able to ID the killer based on the sketch and the tattoo as Allen Grey. He had the usual tough past, abusive father and mother, grew up in poverty. His parents died when he was still young and his older sister was left to take care of him, and she then continued the cycle of abuse, escalating to sexual assault. It explained the mercy for the young boys and torture of the eldest daughters, but April couldn’t bring herself to feel sympathy for him.

She stood at the top of the basement stairs, could already see the lights on down there and could hear Madonna’s Like a Virgin playing on vinyl. April hated the way her body reacted, the way everything in her was telling her to run. She was a federal agent for Christ’s sake, she took down killers like this one all the time. He was no different, she tried to assure herself, he was just like the rest. And then she steeled herself, brought her gun back up in front of her at eye level, and began descending the stairs.

“There you are! Welcome home, April!” Allen says cheerfully as you point the gun at him, “Now, now, come on, I don’t have a weapon,” He raises his hands, “Why don’t you holster that gun, Agent Hunter.” He had an arrogant smirk on his face.

Tears stung the corners of her eyes and her finger flexed on and off the trigger, wanting so bad to just pull it and be done with it. But she knew her team was listening and this was exactly why Hotch hadn’t wanted her in the field for this. She lowered her weapon and put it back in her holster.

“That’s better. Why don’t you have a seat?” He gestured to the worn out table and chairs, “Let’s have a drink. Talk.”

She swallowed thickly, “No thank you.” She managed.

“No, come on now, April. We have to catch up!”

“Why did you bring me here?”

He smiles at her again and comes closer to her. Slowly, he pulls a knife out of his pocket and brings it up for her to see. She balks, but he quickly grabs her from the back of her neck to keep her steady and runs the knife gently over her face. “You were always so clever, April.” She keeps eye contact with him, doing her best not to show any fear. “So pretty and smart. I only followed you, after, you know? You were… number two, I believe. I chased the high I got with you with everyone after, but none of them were the same.”

“Is that why you stopped for a while after the fourth family?”

He nods, “Like I said, you were always so smart. And then I saw how you became obsessed with people like me, went to college to study criminal justice, always thinking about me. Joined the FBI because you were so obsessed with me, weren’t you, little April?”

She wanted to spit in his face, but she remembered what Hotch said about feeding into his ego, “They say you never forget your first.” She says cooly, almost seductively.

It works, an arrogant smile twists its way up his face and he pockets the knife. “All I ever wanted was to find you,” She says, slipping into character, “See those blue eyes again. I dream about them every night.” None of these statements are lies, but the tone she takes when delivering them, the sweetness she adds to it, the act she puts on makes bile rise in her own throat.

“I knew it.” He says, looking at her with newfound desire, “We’re soulmates, you know?” His words are gentle, but he grips her by the hair again and pulls, exposing her neck. “Let’s run away together, baby.”

“Okay.” She says softly, “I’m ready.”

Hotch is already ordering the team to go in, jumping out of the back of the van with Morgan. Through his earpiece, he listens closely to you. He can hear your fear in the way you’re breathing, but he’s not sure Allen is picking it up from you.

When she agrees to go with him, he spins her and shoves her against a wall, her head painfully bouncing off the cement. He laughs as she winces and then leans in to kiss her throat, “Are you going to tell your team to leave us alone?” He reaches under her shirt where the wire is and yanks it off her. “April, April, April. My clever, clever girl. You had to know I would have expected you not to come by yourself.”

He pushes himself off her and walks to the table, reaching under it and pulling out a gun that he had taped there earlier.

April’s jaw tenses as he raises the gun to point it at her head, “You won’t kill me.” She says smoothly, though she’s not sure she believes it herself.

“No,” He cocks the gun and turns slightly to aim towards the doorway, “But if Aaron Hotchner walks through that doorway I’ll kill him.”

She does her best to betray nothing, but a muscle in her jaw jumps involuntarily and he narrows his eyes at her, “Yeah, I thought you liked him.”

“I care about everyone on my team.” She says stiffly.

He shakes his head, “No. Don’t forget April, I’ve been watching you. I know your weaknesses as I’m sure you know mine and the past few days here I’ve noticed the way you look at Agent Hotchner when you think he’s not looking. But he always notices because he’s always aware of you, even when he tries his hardest not to be. So, April, I’ll give you one chance,” He hands the wire back over to her, “Tell Aaron to back off.”

Reluctantly, she takes the wire from him. “Hotch,” She breathes, “Stand down.”

Hotch holds a hand up to the team on the outside, signaling them to stand down, though he can barely hear past the roaring in his ears.

“There,” Her voice comes in his earpiece again, “Are you happy now?”

“I’ll be happy when he hears me kill you and knows there’s nothing he can do to stop it.”

“I thought we were running away together.”

“You think I can’t tell when you’re playing me?”

“No, I know you can’t tell when I’m playing you.” Something in April had unlocked when Allen threatened Hotch. Threatened her team. And she knew Hotch could hear them and though she had told him to stand down, he was trying to figure out another way to get to her. He wouldn’t stop until she was out of there, whether it ended with both her and Allen in body bags or Allen in cuffs. But she wouldn’t let it come to that.

“Since you’ve been watching me my whole life, you know the entire town thought I killed my own family and that I lied about the whole thing. Do you know why they thought that? Because they saw in me what my team sees in people like you.” She walks up to him, and though every instinct screams to run, she instead places a hand on his chest, “That night… you made me into you. So no, Allen,” It’s the first time she uses his name and she relishes the shock that lights in his eyes, “You can’t tell when I’m playing you.” Capitalizing on his surprise, she disarms him the way Morgan has drilled into her over and over, quickly slamming his wrist into the nearest surface and catching the gun when he releases his grip. Faster, she takes a step back from him and draws her gun as well, now pointing two weapons at him, “And I think you’ve overplayed your hand, babe.”

He raises his hands and now there’s genuine fear in his eyes, “April--”

“I’d like you to very slowly remove the knife from your pocket and toss it to the floor and if you even think about launching it at me, just know that I am a very good shot and I have been dreaming about killing you every day since I was twelve, don’t tempt me.” Her voice shakes, but this time not from fear, but from anger that she’d harbored close to her chest since the man who stood in front of her stole everything from her.

As Allen slowly does as he’s told, April hears footsteps on the stairs and is relieved when she spots another gun trained on Allen in her peripheral. Morgan begins to walk to Allen, but April stops him, “No.” She says, “I want to do it.”

He nods and redraws his gun, backing away. She holsters her own weapon and hands Allen’s gun back to Hotch without looking at him. Drawing cuffs from her pocket, she walks behind Allen who has managed to get a smirk back on his face. The sight breaks something in her and she roughly shoves him against the wall, feeling satisfaction at his grunt of pain when his face collides with the cement. She tightens the cuffs a bit more than necessary and begins stating his rights to him as she marches him up the stairs.

“I’m going to be a legend, you know? They’ll make all these dateline documentaries about me and the families I’ve killed.” He’s smiling still as April shoves him in the backseat of Billy’s police car. She’s trying not to think about the fact that he showed up here.

“Prisoners don’t look too fondly on those among them who kill and rape children, Allen, and I’m going to make sure that whatever cell block you rot in knows exactly what you’ve done. Have a nice life.” And she slams the car door.

Billy’s watching her as she does so, “I’m sorry.” He says simply.

April sighs, “I don’t care.” She says without looking at him and then walks away.

Hotch is watching her, arms crossed and frowning deeply. She stops in front of him, tilting her head to the side and noticing the concern written all over his face as he sizes her up, “Thank you for backing off when I asked you to. I know that was hard for you.”

He simply pushes himself off the car that he was leaning against and pulls her to his chest. She feels surprised for a moment, but then wraps her arms around his waist in return, breathing him in, focusing on his touch rather than Allen’s. And when the sobs begin to wrack her body, he just holds her tighter. He knows the rest of the team is watching and maybe he’ll have to explain this later, the way he rests his head on top of hers to reassure himself as much as her, but he doesn’t much care. He’d been fairly certain she was going to die in there and he’d never have the chance to tell her how he really felt.

Hotch drives back to the hotel with her sleeping in the passenger seat. The medics had checked her out and concluded that she didn’t really have any injuries, but his heart had nearly shattered in his chest when April asked if there was any way they could refill her sleeping medication. They had been unable to, but decided to give her a few doses of ambien anyway, to last her until she could call her prescriber back in DC.

“You can take as much time off as you need when we get back.” He had said as they climbed in the SUV, his too big FBI jacket wrapped tightly around her shoulders as she immediately popped the ambien in her mouth.

“I don’t need to take time off.” Was all she said before she curled herself in a tiny ball, facing the car door, and fell asleep only minutes later.

Now, he pulled into the hotel parking lot, rain falling gently against the windows and debated whether he should wake her. “April.” He said softly, gently shaking her shoulder.

“Mmm.” She murmurs and her eyes flutter. Still straddling the line between sleep and wakefulness, seeing Hotch’s face above hers prompts a small smile. “Aaron.” She says softly and reaches her hand up to touch his face.

Hearing her use his first name so tenderly sends a jolt through him, but he reminds himself that she’s sedated, albeit lightly, from the ambien. “Do you think you can walk up to the hotel room?”

She nods sleepily and he quickly gets out of the car to help her out of the other side, pulling the hood of his jacket over her head to shield her from the rain. She walks slowly because of the drug, but he doesn’t mind. And when she slides her hand down to his to intertwine their fingers, he doesn’t mind that either. When they get to the hotel room she wordlessly strips down to her underwear and climbs into bed.

He stares at her for a while, unsure if she would want him in the bed or not, and decides it’ll be safest to sleep on the couch. He begins taking some cushions off the couch when he hears her voice, “Aaron?” There was his name again. He wasn’t sure why hearing her say it had him coming undone, but he wanted her to repeat it over and over again.

“Yes?”

“Why won’t you come to bed?”

He opens and closes his mouth a couple times before responding, “I was going to sleep on the couch.” She’s quiet for too long and he thinks she must’ve fallen asleep so he turns back to the couch.

“I don’t want to sleep alone.” Her voice is so quiet, he wonders if he imagined it. But when he turns back to the bed, she’s watching him, eyes full of sadness and what he thinks might also be desire. He can’t say no to her. She continues watching him as he takes off his clothes, first unbuttoning his shirt. She watches him carefully, no traces of shyness and he tries his best not to let on the way her attention affects him. He undoes his belt buckle and then pulls off his pants before walking to the bed, pushing the sheets aside, and climbing in.

She turns to him and brings their faces close enough that just another inch would have them rubbing noses together. “Why have you been so nice to me this whole case?”

It’s not what he was expecting her to say and he frowns, “It was a tough case for you that brought back a lot of trauma, why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”

She shrugs, “I know you’ve never liked me the way you like the rest of the team--”

“That’s not true--”

“Aaron.” He wonders if maybe she’s caught on to the way saying his name affects him as his mouth closes immediately, “I’m not stupid, I haven’t been here nearly as long as the others and I certainly never open myself up in front of them the way the rest of you do. It’s not anyone’s fault, I’m just… Not a part of the family. But this case… You treated me the way you would treat Reid, JJ, Morgan, Prentiss… Any of them. Why?”

“The second you join this team you’re a part of this family and I’m sorry we made you feel otherwise.”

She rolls her eyes and turns her head to look at the ceiling, “Would you have shared a bed with any of them?”

Heat floods his face and he’s glad she’s not looking at him. “No.” He says and he’s sure his voice, thick with desire has betrayed him.

But April only nods, still staring at the ceiling, “Is it just because you’re lonely?”

It’s then that he realizes what she’s getting at. He hears the vulnerability in her voice, the fear there. She thinks she’s not good enough for him and it breaks his heart even further. “April, look at me.” She manages to turn her head to him and her eyes are glassy. “You have shown the last few days how incredibly resilient, intelligent, and just amazing you are. You can’t really think that the only reason I keep reaching for you is because I’m lonely.”

She smiles sadly, “You wouldn’t be the first.”

A lesser man would’ve taken this personally, perhaps groan about how she could think so little of him, but Aaron was different. He understood what she’d been through, that he could have been Superman himself and she’d still have her doubts.

“Then I suppose I’ll have to prove it to you.”

She turns her head back to him and frowns, a trace of amusement on her face, “And how do you plan on doing that?”

Hesitantly, he reaches out and strokes a thumb across her cheek, “I’d like to start by just holding you tonight, if that’s alright.”

She closes her eyes at his touch, nuzzling her face further into his palm and he melts. “I’d like that.” She says softly.

So he gently wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her to him. Her little sigh of contentment as she settles against his chest is almost too much for him to take. “Aaron?” She says after he's spent a few moments just listening to her heartbeat.

“Hm?”

“You’re the only man I’ve ever felt truly safe around.”

He feels her sadness then and he tightens his grip around her to convey that he’s sorry she feels that way, but he’s grateful for her trust. They fall asleep like that and neither attempt to move away from the other the entire night.

***

“So this is a date.” It had been about two months since they had gotten back from Maine and Aaron had been nothing but a gentleman to her. So much so, in fact, that at some points she thought he was no longer interested in her.

He chuckles, “It’s not a date. We’re meeting the team.”

“Yes, but you’re taking me,” April grins, linking her arm through his as they walk towards the bar, “So it’s a date.”

“If it was a date I would’ve done this--” Hotch spins her in front of him and abruptly kisses her. At first, she freezes, but when he gently nips at her bottom lip she moans slightly, kissing him back. As sudden as it began, it ends and Aaron is staring at her with a look of such arrogant satisfaction she wants to slap him.

“Okay, so it is a date.” She murmurs quietly as Aaron steps around her and walks away, “I knew it.”

When Aaron opens the door to the bar for her, he casually slips his hand in hers, intertwining their fingers. He notes her questioning look from the corner of his eye, but just squeezes her hand in response. And instead of detaching herself from him when the team notes their arrival, she squeezes his hand in return, even when the relentless teasing from the team commences.

Aaron only slips away from her to go get them drinks and even then she looks back for him. It’s the most unsure of herself he’s ever seen her and it only broadens his grin.

“You finally did it, eh? Attaboy, Aaron.” Rossi’s already at the bar, a whiskey in hand and another on the bar that he slides to Aaron. He takes it and then orders April a gin and tonic.

“It’s just one date, Rossi. She’s still… hesitant.”

“She doesn’t look hesitant,” Rossi says, looking over his shoulder, “She hasn’t taken her eyes off you since you walked away from her.”

Aaron smirks, “Yes, well, I’ve discovered playing hard to get is very effective with her.” He tips the bartender and clinks his glass with Rossi before walking back over to April. When he hands her the drink, she seems to shrink into his side, taking larger gulps of her drink than he thought she should.

“Slow down,” He plucks the drink from her hand and places it on a nearby table, “Why are you so nervous?”

“Look at all of them just staring at us, I feel pressured.”

“Pressured into what, being with me?”

“Aaron, no,” She places a hand on his arm, sensing the insecurity rising in him, “I want to be with you.”

“Then what?”

She shrugs and reaches for her drink again, but Aaron covers her hand before she can, clearly expecting an answer from her. She sighs and looks up at him, “I feel pressure to be perfect because I can see on their faces how much they love you and I don’t want to fuck this up and then you all hate me because I wasn’t good enough for you.” It all comes out in a rush and she feels breathless after admitting it, her cheeks reddening as he lifts his hand, allowing her to reach for her drink.

“April, they like you just as much as they like me.” She rolls her eyes and he reaches out to tip her chin up gently with his fingers, “You could never mess this up.”

“I messed it up with Billy.”

He drops his hand, unable to hide the annoyance and jealousy on his face at the mention of Billy, “Billy was an immature boy who didn’t know how to treat you anyway.”

She smirks, “And you’re a big strong man who can sweep me off my feet at a moment’s notice?” He manages the smallest of smiles as a slow song starts playing, “Come on, Hotchner. Ask me to dance.”

“You want to dance in front of the team?”

“Well you brought me here to show me off, didn’t you?” He gives her a look like he’s offended she would even think so and she laughs, “Please?” She pouts, “Billy would dance with me if he were here.” She adds teasingly, her eyes glittering with mischief.

Hotch shakes his head at her, but he’s grinning, “You love causing trouble, don’t you?” And she laughs in response as he takes her hand and pulls her to the dance floor, letting his left hand rest gently on the small of her back, his other hand holding hers.

He twirls her around the room and with the whole team watching, he kisses her as the song ends. Their lips worked together to teach each other their own dance and for a moment, it’s just the two of them, until the rest of the team starts jeering and April pulls away, her face flushed. Aaron is still looking at her, smiling and she reaches up with her thumb to swipe at his mouth, “I got some lipstick on you.” She says quietly.

“Can I take you home?” He says finally and his voice is husky and full of want.

She wonders if he’s aware of how alluring the sound of his voice is. “Yeah.” She responds swallowing.

He leads her out of the bar after much protesting from the rest of the team, but all he wants and needs is to get April, April who’s smiling at him from ear to ear, home and in bed with him. They settle into their new relationship with ease, the team noting that they’d never seen either of them smile so much and all of April’s fears and insecurities melted away day by day.

As long as her unit chief quietly placed a coffee on her desk every morning with a sweet note attached to it, she figured she could overcome anything.

#mine #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner fic #aaron hotchner fanfic #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #aaron hotchner imagine #hotch x oc #hotch angst #hotch fluff #hotch imagine

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i-write-shakespeare-not-disney · 5 years

Text

Fragile Hearts Ch.11- To Have Been Where We Have Been

Click the OP (Original post) if the READ MORE link does not show!

THANK YOU TO @bluejayb1rd FOR COMMISSIONING!!! IM SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG T.T also, Tumblr doesn’t transfer italics from copy paste, so.... yeah, I suggest the ao3 link, but it shouldn’t be too bad.

Click Here for Chapter 1

Click Here for Chapter 10

Fragile Hearts Playlist here

AO3 Links:

Chapter: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11928798/chapters/44004358 Full Story: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11928798

It felt like with a single blink, a month and a half had gone by. From spring break to graduation, it felt like the days had passed all too quickly.

Pidge stared at herself in the mirror, her fingers grazing over her new haircut. Accompanying Sam to get her hair dyed and styled a week ago resulted in a free haircut because her own had grown out so strangely, the hairdresser had quite literally begged her to let him fix it. Now it fell in a clean diagonal cut, voluminous by the natural waves of her hair.

Samantha and Ana had helped with her makeup. The dress she wore showed some of her old battle scars, but her graduation gown would cover those for a decent amount of time.

“Nervous?” Pidge looked from her reflection to the reflection of her friend in the mirror.

“A little,” she admitted softly. “But… I also want to get it over with.”

Sam stood next to her and wrapped an arm around her. “Well, your guys are ransacking our pantry waiting for you, so you might wanna head out there so they can see you.” Pidge laughed and shook her head. “Come on. Before I get all emotional when we haven’t even said our goodbyes yet.”

Pidge nodded and started for the door, self-conscious with the clack of her heels. She was so unused to them, they were already hurting her feet.

Sure enough when she walked out into her living room, she could hear Lance, Hunk, and Matt moving around the kitchen and the crunch of chips and the crinkling of wrappers along with their voices talking over each other.

She stood in the entrance to watch as they argued over some game until Hunk’s eyes fell on her and immediately made her blush a thousand shades of crimson. When his words stopped short, Matt and Lance looked over too.

“Pidge! You look amazing!” Lance said. He walked over to her and took her hand to twirl her around as Leon barked and pawed at her legs. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress.”

Matt came up to her and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Oh, Katie.” He hugged her so tightly, she felt the air leave her lungs. “Mom and Dad would’ve been so proud,” he whispered. Pidge felt a knot build in her throat. He kissed her cheek before he let go of her.

Then Hunk went up to her. She looked up at him and felt her heart hammer against her chest with the gentle way he looked at her. His eyes full of undeniable love as he touched her cheek gently. “Exquisite,” he whispered with a smile. He leaned in to kiss her chastely on her lips. He never liked to do more than that in front of Matt.

“Okay, we gotta get going, Katie. It’s gonna be a crowded mess trying to get everyone together,” Samantha said as she hooked another earring into her earlobe. “Wanna ride with me?”

“Yeah, we can meet you there after the ceremony is done. Then we get to stuff our faces with food!” Lance said. He shook her by the shoulders. “Ready to be an official graduate?”

“God yes,” she said with an exhausted sigh.

The three of them hugged her and Sam before they left the house. Sam had a pre-grad and post-grad playlist. They sang along to it and stuck with each other up until they were sitting in lined up chairs. Pidge balanced her feet on her heels, trying to calm all the nervous energy she had pent up in her body. Her graduation gown was a little rough, but she was relieved wearing it.

All that time, and she was finally sitting there, her degree within reach. She wasn’t sure what all she would do with it in Vegas yet. After so much time in war and dealing with therapy and then stressing over classes, she just wanted to breathe. She wanted to be normal for a while, with a normal job where she could just relax for a bit. But for now, she wanted to walk across that stage, get her degree, and enjoy being with the people she loved and cherished.

She might have dozed off in the ceremony if it hadn’t been for how anxious she was about walking across the stage with her heels. The closer they got to saying her name, the more restless she became.

“Katharina Holt.”

She heard an immediate response to her name. Cheers that three people alone should not have been able to make, and yet they managed it. When Pidge looked over at the sound as she walked to get her degree, she noticed a giant banner with her name and a familiar icon- the very one she’d programmed into her computer when she was fifteen. And of course, Lance had a megaphone. And Matt had noise makers. And Hunk had the lungs of a fucking opera singer.

Pidge couldn’t help but laugh and blush the entire way back to her seat.

Once all the names were called, all the families had cheered, the tassels were moved, and a final announcement was made for the graduates of 2019, a final deafening cheer gave way to the chatter of families and the clicks of cameras. Samantha, Ana, and even Sophie found her and huddled with her for selfies.

Once Matt, Hunk, and Lance found her, they also started taking photos. She got one with each of them, and a few selfies.

Then they heard someone ask, “Would you guys want one as a group?”

Pidge looked over and almost immediately recognized the Garrison uniform and the one-eyed man smiling. “I-Iverson?” He smiled wider, and his eyes nearly shut with how the corners wrinkled. “What are you doing here?” she asked through surprised laughter as she accepted his hug.

“I’m 26 and I have this internal instinct to stand at attention right now,” Lance muttered with a groan.

Iverson laughed at him and once he greeted the rest of his former students, he gave them a smile. “We get notified when a former Garrison student graduates from elsewhere. We also gave you a scholarship, so we kept track by default. But when I saw your name on the list of this year’s graduates, I had to come.” He looked past them for a second before putting a hand on Lance’s shoulder, laughing when Lance immediately tensed. “And maybe this can help you feel a little more at ease, cadet.”

“What do you-?”

“Miss Katharina Holt?”

Pidge turned and screamed, “Oh my God!” so loudly that the groups taking pictures all around them were startled.

“No fucking way…,” Lance breathed out.

Hunk was covering his face, having been speechless the entire time.

“Shiro?” Matt said softly.

Sure enough, it was Shiro. In a Garrison uniform, with his tuft of white hair and well kept stubble framing his face, pale scar still visible across his nose, and holding a large bouquet of flowers in his arms. “In the flesh. Mostly, of course,” he answered. Pidge leaned against Matt for support and Lance sat himself on the floor to handle the shock. Hunk was the first to move, engulfing Shiro in a hug. “Hey, Hunk. It’s good to see you,” Shiro said with a gentle smile.

“Oh my God, it’s Shiro. Oh my God. Oh my God, it’s fucking Shiro.” Lance seemed to have short-circuited, repeating the same over and over.

Pidge could feel herself shaking, even as she took the bouquet and hugged him tightly. “How did you even get here?” she asked, her voice unable to go above a whisper all of a sudden.

She pulled back, reaching out to touch his face and his hair as if to be sure he was real. Shiro chuckled and let her as he explained. “Well, Iverson told me you were graduating, so I came back to the Garrison for a while. I wasn’t sure if we should approach you, but when we saw these guys here with you, we figured… why not? I hope that was okay?”

“Yes! Yes, absolutely!” Shiro smiled wider and switched to greet Matt. Pidge moved closer to Hunk who was wiping at his eyes and sniffing. “Thank you so much for coming. That means so much to me,” she told Iverson.

Iverson looked at her, his gaze full of mirth. “Katie, you snuck into my office and returned with fake documents as a boy and became a paladin who saved the world. This is honestly the least I could ever possibly do.” Pidge laughed and felt herself blush. She felt Hunk’s hand slide into hers as Shiro knelt down to coax Lance off the ground where he seemed to be shaking. “And I don’t know if it’s something you might want, but you should know that if you ever need it, a job will always be available for you with the Garrison.” He smiled, and Pidge thanked him again.

“We should get someplace without so many spectators,” Pidge suggested when she saw that people kept glancing over at the uniformed men and the person sitting on the grass in a suit. “Love, you should help Shiro get Lance up.”

Hunk nodded and moved to heft Lance up. He was unsteady in his steps, but he leaned against Hunk for support. “Well, I think a celebration is now doubly called for,” Hunk said, absentmindedly soothing Lance. “We’re heading to Pidge’s to finish packing up for the move before partying. You’re coming right?” he asked Shiro.

“If you don’t mind extra people there,” Shiro said with a smile.

“Of course I don’t mind! This is insane!” Pidge hooked her arm into her brother’s. “This is a better surprise than I ever could have dreamt up, Shiro. I wouldn’t want you to go so quickly.”

Shiro looked at Iverson. “What do you say? Lay down some higher duties for a fun night of catching up?” Iverson laughed and agreed. “We’ll meet you there, just give me the address.”

It was easier to finish packing with two extra hands. Pidge hardly had to do much more than tell them which boxes to get and where to arrange them in the U-haul. They were done just in time for her roomates who returned from celebratory dinners.

They were dumbstruck at the sight of Shiro in uniform, and Pidge couldn’t help but laugh to herself. Of course, Sam knew who he was right away.

“Oh wow, it’s an honor to meet you,” she said, wide-eyed as she incessantly shook his hand. “My brother loves you so much-”

“W-what?” Shiro asked with a nervous laugh.

“You haven’t heard of Lance’s best-selling series? It’s all the hype in the YA genre,” Matt said, nudging Lance playfully.

“I had to pull a lot of strings to get the Garrison to turn a blind eye to that,” Iverson said with a huff. “But I’m proud to see how far along you’ve come too. All of you.” Pidge, Matt, Hunk, and Lance looked at each other and smiled. It was so strange to think that they’d all been in his class at some point, reprimanded and muttering under their breath. Before they knew anything about anything.

But the comment also made something cold sprout in Pidge’s heart because she couldn’t help but notice how much more prominent it was that they were still missing a teammate. And based on the look on Hunk and Lance’s faces, they felt it too.

Shiro was getting an over-excited run down of the books he hadn’t known he was part of from Sam, and once she managed to catch him up to the best of her knowledge which came from her brother, he went over to Lance.

As Iverson continued talking to Matt, Pidge stayed off to the side with Hunk. He wrapped his arms around her and swayed her gently as she watched the scene. The people from her past life catching up with nostalgia in their laughter and the people in her new life dancing and singing along to music that played on a speaker, celebrating a milestone. It felt surreal seeing them both in one place, but at the same time it seemed normal. With Sam asking Matt and Iverson questions about the Garrison, and Ana trying to offer them food, Sophie flirting obnoxiously with Lance and Shiro simultaneously, and Leon running around and getting pet by everyone.

“You okay?” Hunk whispered in her ear.

She hummed and nodded. “It’s overwhelming. But also relaxing,” she said. She turned to him and mess with the collar of his shirt. “It feels like I could’ve been doing this all along, you know?”

“Honeybee… You can’t keep berating yourself over the past. Besides it was a choice we all made.” She nodded and wrapped her arms around him. “Come on. You’re a graduate now. How does that feel?”

“Ugh, like I can finally breathe!” she said with a laugh. She looked up at him and smiled. “I missed you so much.”

“Well now you’ll be a quick drive away. No more long distance. We did it.” She smiled wider and sighed as he leaned in to kiss her.

They heard someone clear their throat and broke apart to see Shiro looking at them with a smile that made crow’s feet appear in the corner of his eyes. “So when did this start?” he asked. “You two were always a good pair, and I guess this was bound to happen.”

Hunk laughed and started playing with her hair. “It’s only been a handful of months. But yeah, it feels like longer sometimes. We gotta thank Lance and the blatant lack of secrecy in his books.” Pidge laughed and nodded, recalling the night they first kissed. “How have you been, Shiro? What’s the universe like without us?”

“Oh, you know. They miss us. They still sell figurines and they have ‘vintage’ photos of the days we visited. But everyone’s safe and happy. Allura and Coran are out there helping the planets prosper. They work with me in keeping relations with Earth and all that.” Shiro looked over his shoulder and Pidge saw Lance with Iverson, blushing at something. Based on the way Sam was laughing, Iverson must have been embarrassing him. Shiro looked back at them. “Lance said you guys found him at a book signing.”

“Yeah. My roommate told me about his books and then I found his books and Hunk found a book tour and…. Yeah.”

“You guys… haven’t heard from Keith, have you?”

Hunk and Pidge shared a look. “No. Lance found a photography portfolio he has online, but….”

“I… found his location around that time. It might have changed, but I never told Lance. I offered to find him, but Lance never got back to me,” Pidge said.

Shiro frowned, looking at Pidge then Hunk. “You did something illegal, didn’t you?” Pidge winced and smiled innocently. “Some things just don’t change,” he said with a smile.

“Wait, so… Keith hasn’t even been in contact with you?” Hunk asked.

Shiro shook his head. “Lance asked too, but…. No. I haven’t heard from him, and I don’t get a lot of news when I’m off in a different galaxy.” He sighed and chugged what was left of his beer. “Do you mind sending that portfolio my way?”

“Yeah, of course,” Pidge said.

“So, Pidge. What’s next for you? Moving in with Matt in Vegas and what?”

“I’m not sure yet. I kind of want to take time to calm down. Maybe travel a bit or something? Settle in to Vegas. I do want a job doing what I love with computational skills, but… I’ve done that for so long now, I just want a break.” She felt Hunk massaging her shoulders languidly. “Maybe try to convince Lance to move there too. So he’s not so far away.”

In the kitchen, Ana had taken out a few bottles of liquor and was already setting up for mixers, shots, and whatever else people wanted to have. “Everybody get a drink so we can make a toast!” she called out. Everyone lined up to get something, sipping idly until they were ready for a toast. Ana cleared her throat and raised her glass. “Katie, you’ve been a wonderful roommate and an amazing friend. You’re possibly the smartest person I have ever met and I know I’ll see your name in scientific journals that future college students will have to read and use for research.” Pidge laughed and shook her head. “It’s hard to believe that you’ll be moving away. We’re gonna miss you so much, and we better be invited to your wedding because we absolutely love Hunk!”

“Oh my God,” Pidge said, blushing as she hid her face in Hunk’s arm.

“The four of us graduated today,” Sam said, stepping next to Ana. “But Katie, it’s no secret that you’ve come the farthest. So it’s not just a grad party, but a going away party, and a much needed celebratory party to thank you for everything you’ve done. For us and everyone around you.” Sam managed to keep it vague enough, for the other girls, but Pidge and her former teammates knew what she meant. And they knew that gratitude extended to them. “So a toast to making it through the biggest obstacles and finally reaching the finish line. I’m so happy to have been a part of it with you for the last four years.”

“To Katie!” Sophie said with a wide smile. “And to the class of 2019!”

“To the class of 2019!” they all responded before drinking.

The music was turned up again. They ordered more food to spread on the table. They danced and talked and said goodbyes and reminisced- either about school years or veteran years. Before long Sophie and Ana were drunk, singing along to the karaoke as Pidge suffered the second-hand embarrassment and gave Iverson an apologetic smile.

Iverson only shook his head and continued to drink his whiskey and spent the time talking with his former students or Sam who said her brother would be interested in being part of the program. Sam was the one who bounced about rambling about everything, practically bursting with the awe and feeling starstruck. She asked Lance about signing a copy of a book for her brother and then listened to Shiro describe what the galaxies were like now, and she rambled to Hunk about how he was her brother’s favorite character and how he resonated with him most, then asked Matt what Vegas was like.

Somewhere among the chaos, Hunk took her hand and pulled her aside. They slipped into her room, which was now mostly bare except for Sam’s side.

“I was hoping to steal you away for a dance,” he said, using his phone to scroll through music.

“How sweet,” she said a giddy laugh. She’d had enough to drink to feel light, but not enough to make a fool of herself in front of Iverson or her brother. She felt warm and happy and floaty.

The strum of a guitar filled the room, louder than the muffled noise on the other side of the door. She slipped her hand into Hunk’s as he pulled her near and started stepping side to side, the two of the twirling in a circle.

“This is our first dance as a couple,” she realized as Hunk spun her around gently before pulling her back into him.

“That’s true. But it’ll be hard to surpass dancing in a living room with the furniture pushed aside and fireworks outside the window.” She laughed and pulled her hand away to wrap her arms around his neck instead. “You look happy.”

“I am. I’m with you.” Hunk smiled and nudged his nose against hers gently. “Teach me to say it.” He hummed in confusion. “How to say I love you in Samoan.” Hunk said the phrase, then said it slowly, with Pidge repeating each word after him. The words felt funny on her tongue, but she was determined to learn it. She wanted to tell him she loved him in every language she could. “Okay. Oute a-alofa… ia te… oe.” Hunk nodded, the smile on his face serene and adoring and wonderful. “Oute alofa ia te oe.”

Hunk cupped her face and kissed her, letting the music play around them. The warmth in her body magnified, and she felt dizzy with all of Hunk encompassing her. He pulled away and ran his thumb over her cheek lightly. “I love you so much,” he whispered.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” she whispered. “I know you have a hotel, but….” She shrugged and he tucked her hair behind her ear.

“Of course.” He kissed her forehead, and Pidge sighed as she let herself melt against him. “We should get back to the party,” he whispered.

“Mm. Yeah.” She pulled away and took his hand. “I can’t believe Shiro found us.”

“Well, it’s thanks to Iverson. He contacted him for your graduation.” Hunk opened the door for her and they managed to catch the end of a drunk rendition of Hollaback Girl from Ana and Sam. “You know, we were always so terrified of Iverson as students. Who knew all it took was two drunk college girls to scare him?”

Pidge turned and saw Iverson staring at the karaoke with wide eyes and a confused look. She laughed to herself and walked over to sit with him. “Hardened war vet scared of a couple of twenty-year olds?” she teased.

He scoffed and puffed out his chest. “Of course not!” Pidge arched an eyebrow. He deflated and clinked the ice in his glass. “It’s the singing.” That made Pidge laugh even more.

Shiro came up to them, chewing on some nachos. “We’ll head out as soon as I finish this, okay?” Iverson waved a hand dismissively. “As for you two- I’m gonna hear from you more now right?”

“Absolutely,” Pidge promised. She wrapped her arms around him and leaned into him. “I’m really glad you came. It really was the best gift I could have gotten today.”

“I always knew you’d do great things, Pidge,” he said, ruffling her hair.

At that moment, Leon trotted up to them, leash in his maw as he pawed at Hunk’s leg and whined. “Hey buddy, you gotta go outside?” Hunk glanced around and frowned. “Where’s Lance?”

“Uh, I’m not sure, maybe in the bathroom. Here, I can take him,” Pidge offered. She clipped his leash onto his collar and tugged gently. “Come on boy.” She opened the door and froze before she could even fully step out.

Leon barked causing Lance and Sophie to split apart. “Um. Hey, Pidge,” Lance said weakly.

“What the fuck…?” Pidge muttered. Having stayed at the doorway, the others inside came to peer out. Lance was trying to get the lipstick smudges off his mouth and chin, and Sophie was blushing furiously.

“What are you doing out here?” Sophie asked, her words slurring together.

Pidge looked at Lance and held out the leash. “Leon wanted to go outside. Um. Sorry to interrupt?” She turned around and ushered everyone back inside and shut the door. “So that’s a good note to end the party on, right?”

“She was flirting with him all night,” Hunk said. “Guess that was bound to happen.”

Pidge laughed it off, but she couldn’t help the unease in her chest. She knew Lance still had Keith on his mind, and frankly who he made out with was none of her business, but Sophie? Sure they weren’t exactly enemies, but she was definitely her least liked roommate.

“Some things just don’t change,” Shiro echoed. “Okay, yeah, we’re going to head out. I have a number for my office in the Garrison. Keep me up to date, okay? I’ll get in touch when I come back down again, and maybe you guys can give me a tour of Vegas. I’ve only been once.”

“If you see Coran and Allura, tell them we miss them,” Pidge said.

“Oh! Actually, hold on.” Hunk pulled out his wallet and pulled out a folded polaroid photo. “I I took this of all of us the last time they they visited. Give it to them.” It was a photo of Pidge, Lance, Hunk, and Matt sprawled out on the couch, laughing. It was slightly blurry and tilted because taking a selfie with a polaroid was hard, but it was a good photo. “And see if you can get one of them to bring back for us.”

Shiro smiled and tucked the photo in his uniform pocket. “I will. It was really great seeing you guys again. Safe travels and good luck.” He hugged them each and Pidge had to consciously remind herself to let go. “I promise we’ll stay in touch this time.”

Pidge nodded then turned to Iverson to hug him too. Then she and Hunk followed them out to the car. They said goodbye to Lance when they saw him outside, but Lance still looked embarrassed.

They waited for their headlights to disappear down the street before heading back inside. Lance was leaning against the wall with Leon, and Pidge figured Sophie must have gone back inside.

“Go ahead, let me hear it,” he muttered, kicking at the ground.

“Hear what?” Hunk asked. Lance gave him a deadpan look. Hunk sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Dude, you’re an adult. We’re not teenagers anymore, and you can do what you want.”

“Then why can I feel your judgement from here?” Pidge and Hunk shared a look and Lance scoffed. “No, no, no don’t do that! Don’t do the thing. You know, the thing where couples have a whole conversation with a look. Just talk to me.”

“Lance, I’m more upset because you decided to swap spit with Sophie. Of all my roommates.”

Hunk sighed. “And it’s not fair to her. You’re not into her, Lance, and we all know it. You’re still hung up on Keith-”

“Yeah, and what do I do about that?” he snapped. “It’s not like you and Pidge. You guys got lucky. You guys met again and you were still in love with her and it worked out. Keith left me. He’s disappeared off the face of the Earth and the probability of seeing him again are slim, and even if I did, it’s not like we can just pick up where we left off. And I can’t spend another five years getting over it.” He rubbed his face tiredly and then scratched his head, stuffing his other hand into his jeans pocket. “I’m sorry I kissed her, Pidge. She was pushing, and I was lonely and tipsy and I figured it wouldn’t hurt. I didn’t mean to ruin your fun.”

Pidge smiled and hooked her arm with his. “You didn’t. I just don’t like her. Besides she’s a really messy drunk, and she’ll probably forget this by tomorrow. And I told you- if you want me to find him, I can. Just say the word.”

“What if you can’t?” he whispered.

Pidge looked at Hunk. He nodded. “I already did once.” Lance’s head snapped up. “He was in some tiny island in the middle of nowhere. You still weren’t sure if you wanted to look for him, so I didn’t tell you. But if you want to find him now, I can help.”

Lance stared at her, wide-eyed for a moment. Pidge was already itching to get her hands on her laptop. Then he shook his head. “No. No, if he… if he doesn’t want to be found, then…. I want to respect that. He hasn’t even contacted Shiro. He doesn’t want us finding him. I just gotta move on. Thank you though, Pidge.”

She nodded and wrapped an arm around him. “We love you, Loverboy.”

“Oh my God,” Lance groaned.

Hunk laughed and opened the door for them to head back inside. Sophie was already half asleep on the couch and Matt was making himself another hot dog. Ana and Sam were crying about something and talking over each other in high pitched voices and hugging.

Pidge helped get Sophie to her bed. Ana and Sam decided to share Ana’s so Lance could sleep in Sam’s. Matt would sleep on the couch. Hunk, of course, would sleep with Pidge.

They cleaned up a bit, mostly getting trash into bags and dishes loaded into the dishwasher, before they split up for some much needed rest before they caught their plane the next day. Lance was in charge of making sure everything on the U-Haul made it to Vegas, but he wouldn’t be going with them to Vegas. Then Pidge would settle in at Matt’s and start her normal adult life.

But in that moment, with everyone settled into their sleeping arrangement, it felt like their old sleepovers. Pidge, Lance, and Hunk stayed up a little later, laughing and whispering in the dark. It wasn’t until their voices became heavy with a need for sleep that they let the conversation die out and each succumbed to sleep.

---

Within the next day, Pidge had moved across the country. She didn’t have a lot of her stuff yet other than the luggage she managed to load on the plane. It would be another handful of days before her stuff arrived. The jetlag was so bad, Pidge immediately fell asleep even though it was only seven thirty when she arrived. Hunk stayed because he was pretty exhausted too, and Matt didn’t even make it to the bed- he just turned on the TV and immediately knocked out on the couch.

Even so, Pidge didn’t fully wake up until a little past noon the following day. Hunk was scrolling through his phone when she opened her eyes, one hand idly stroking her hair.

“Hey,” she mumbled, burrowing her face into his chest. “What are you doing?”

“Reading up on news,” he answered. “How’d you sleep?”

“I slept to the point where I’m exhausted, and my body hurts,” she said with a light laugh. “I’m starving.”

“I can make food.” Hunk kissed her forehead lightly and got out of bed. Pidge watched him go and smiled to herself. She couldn’t believe she’d get to have more mornings like this.

She pulled herself out of bed and cleaned herself up a bit before heading out to the kitchen. By the time Hunk finished cooking, even Matt had been lured out of his room.

It was nice to eat with them without the constant reminder that she’d have to leave soon. She was home now. For good.

---

By the next weekend she was home, her stuff had arrived and Hunk helped her decorate and arrange her room. To celebrate the official end of moving in, Hunk arranged a date night at his place.

When they arrived at his apartment, Hunk covered her eyes before unlocking the door. “Has your place been set up all day?” Pidge asked, biting back her smile.

“Honeybee, I've had this planned since you booked your flight home.” Pidge laughed and let him lead her inside. “Okay, ready?” She nodded and Hunk uncovered her eyes. “Open.”

She opened her eyes and felt her heartbeat stutter at the sight of flower petals leading to the living room where the furniture had been pushed away to make way for a blanket. The lamps were on their lowest setting, filling the place with a soft light. By the time she turned to face Hunk, he'd gotten a hold of a basket that looked like it had been plucked right out of a movie.

“Oh my God….”

Hunk smiled and shrugged. “You always said you wanted a date like in the movies. It's no park, but I figured-”

“It's perfect. I love it,” she said with a laugh that bubbled up from her chest and pushed her to wrap her arms around Hunk. “I love you.”

Hunk smiled in a way that made her heart melt. In a way that made her feel like the most important person in the universe.

He took her hand and led her to the living room. They sat down and Hunk pulled out the food he'd prepared. Pidge couldn't help but laugh when he pulled out her favorite picnic food- peanut butter banana sandwiches with the crust cut off. He pulled out Capri-Suns and pudding cups. Pidge had to hide her face because she was blushing and smiling so much.

It really was perfect.

Hunk played music on a speaker. Soft love songs that faded into the background as they talked and ate, but Pidge noticed a couple of songs that she had mentioned she loved in passing.

“Stay still, you have pudding on your face,” Pidge said, reaching forward to wipe at Hunk's cheek.

Hunk grabbed her hand and tilted his face against it. He pressed a kiss to her palm and pulled her closer.

“You're breathtaking, you know that?” Pidge felt herself blush to the tips of her ears and Hunk chuckled. “I could spend every day of forever counting every freckle on your face and every speck of green in your eyes.”

Pidge bit her lip and touched his face with her free hand. “You know… if you really think about it… that would be very creepy.”

Hunk's bellowing laughter filled the room. Then he cupped her face and kissed her through his smile “Pidge, my sweet honeysuckle, you are the epitome of romance.”

She shrugged and smirked at him. “What can I say? I'm a natural.”

Hunk brushed his nose against hers in a slow eskimo kiss. “So how have you enjoyed your first week as an official Vegas resident?”

Pidge took a breath and let it out with a hum. “Let's see. I spent the first day mostly cuddling with you. I haven't had any tests or homework to worry about. I've binged TV with Matt and spent the night with you.” She nodded. “Yeah. Pretty awesome first week.” Hunk laughed and brushed her hair back. “Kiss me.”

He didn't have to be told twice. He cupped her face with his wide hands, keeping her safe and loved between them. His mouth was soft and moved slowly against hers until Pidge had fully relaxed against him.

She shifted to sit in his lap, her legs bent on either side of him. She felt his thumb slide along her cheek, then along her jawline, then down the side of her throat. She hummed against his lips and took a sharp breath when he pulled away from her in favor of tilting her head and kissing her neck.

He froze and rubbed soothing circles into her hip. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” she breathed.

Hunk's lips pressed against her skin and Pidge let her mouth fall open at the sensation of heat that bolted through her. This was so new, it was so new.

She'd been with Hunk for months now, had spent the night with him several times, but the most that had come of it were heavy makeout sessions that they both had to feel back from. Whether it was because they both had a level of apprehension for anything more or because neither of them wanted to do much more if Pidge would be leaving, or if it was something else entirely, she wasn't sure.

She just knew that this was a new side of Hunk she didn't know. Though not entirely. Because even as his hands roamed her body, they stayed at her back, or along her waist, or down the side of her leg. Even with her breaths turning shallow, and the small whimpers of surprise she let out in his ear, he stayed on safe areas of her body.

Then she felt the way he sucked against her skin, the way her skin sparked when his teeth grazed it, and she gasped. She shoved her hands into his hair, keeping him in place, her hips moving of their own accord against him.

He moaned and pulled back, his forehead resting on her shoulder as their breaths tried to even out.

“I'm sorry,” she whispered.

He shook his head. “No, it's okay, love. I just… just don't want to get too carried away.”

“Is that for yourself or for me?”

Hunk brushed his nose against hers. “You. I know… I know you said you haven't done anything. And you went through some shitty people….” He touched her face lightly and twirled a strand of hair that fell forward around his finger. “It's not something I want to trigger or rush or-”

Pidge leaned in to kiss him and wrapped her arms around his neck. She pulled back and buried her face in the crook of his neck. “I trust you. I feel safe with you.” She pulled away to look him in the eyes. “Ever since I got back on Earth, I haven't felt safe around any guys. Especially after what happened in my friend's dorm…. But with Lance and Matt, I feel okay. And with you?” She grabbed his hands and intertwined them with hers. “I feel so safe with you. I don't feel afraid of anything when I'm with you.” She kissed his hands and rested her cheek against one. “I know you'd never hurt me.”

Hunk smiled at her and kissed her again. “Well if it's alright with you… I don't really want to do this on my living room floor.” Pidge laughed and nodded in agreement.

She stood up so he could stand too. Then he scooped her up in his arms, making her shriek and laugh as she clung to him.

He carried her to the bedroom and laid her slowly on the bed. Pidge's heart was pounding with what the night had decided to surprise her with. She didn't believe in the whole concept of her worth laying in her virginity. She'd never been religious enough to identify with that. But that didn't mean it wasn't important.

Sex was something intimate and vulnerable to her. She wanted her first time to matter and of course she wanted it to be special. She was still nervous, though. Hunk was her best friend. She loved him with all her heart. He knew her better than anyone. But everything would still be new, and not knowing what to expect… that scared her.

Hunk had returned to kissing her. A kiss not unlike all their other kisses when they were alone. Slow. Gentle. Soothing.

One hand held him up, the other rubbed soothing circles against her side, over her shirt.

Pidge took his hand and led him under her shirt, letting his hand splay across her stomach. He traced his fingertips there, not quite tickling, but still lightly enough to give her goosebumps. His breaths turned shallow.

He kissed her neck again and this time Pidge arched up into him. Heat pooled in her stomach, between her legs, and she felt her heart pound louder in her ears. His hand trailed up just under her bra and he hesitated.

“Okay?” he asked with a shaky voice. She nodded and his finger traced the top edges of the cup. Skin she had never let anyone touch. She shivered, her breaths trembling as her toes curled.

Her shirt was hiked up as far as it could go, but oddly enough she didn't feel as self-conscious as she thought she would. Her skin was pale, with obvious tan lines with the recent spring and summer sun. Freckles everywhere. Her stomach wasn't flat no matter how often she told herself she'd start working out again. And then the scars. Long, white, jagged lines that had faded only slightly over time.

Hunk's knee nudged her legs apart and she gasped when he settled himself between them. He was breathing heavily a sound that was loud over the hammering of her heart in the quiet room. Pidge was grateful for the slowness of it all. He pulled his hand away to settle on the mattress and burrowed his face against her shoulder. His beard tickled, but before Pidge could comment, he scooped his arms around her and she realized he was shaking.

She stilled and moved her hands to his face, insisting on getting him to look at her.

“Hey, what is it?”

“Nothing,” he whispered. But she recognized that look in his eyes. That distant look like he wasn't fully there, the furrow of his eyebrows. His lower lip trembled and his breaths hadn't slowed down. “I'm okay.”

“Hunk. We can stop. You can tell me if you want to stop.”

He sighed and settled over her, his arms around her, holding her between himself and the bed. He rested his head on her chest and she settled for running her fingers through his hair.

She could still feel the slight tremors of his body. His voice was small when he spoke. “But it's you. I love you, and-”

“And we don't need to do this for me to believe that. I know you love me. And you always make me feel loved. But you've had your own bad history with this, and I understand if you want to wait more. Besides, I was kind of nervous too.” She ran her fingers along his tattooed arm and smiled. “We've got time. We're not in a war that's gonna put us in danger. I'm not on the other side of the country anymore.”

He turned to bury his face in her chest. She was flat enough that it was still a chaste gesture, and for once, she didn't feel so self-conscious about small boobs. He didn’t speak again until he’d stopped hyperventilating.

“I love you,” he said, muffled by her bunched up shirt. “But… I think I do need to stop.”

“Okay,” she said. “I love you too.” She followed the swirl of black ink in his skin. “Can you tell me about your tattoos again?”

Hunk shifted to lay beside her. She took the chance to pull her shirt back down and rolled onto her side to face him as his arm pulled her closer.

Hunk began to tell her the stories behind the tattoo sleeve he had. The swirl of flames, ocean waves, tumultuous clouds, earthly rocks, and leafy vines. The lion paw. The arrows, the intricate lines of patterns that derived from Samoan designs. He told her about going into the shop for several sessions, slowly piecing the puzzle together. How he hoped to fill his whole arm one day, maybe his back too, so it could tell his life story.

“You wanna be your own body quilt?” she asked, slightly amused.

“Why not? I could add how we came back to each other. Finding Lance. Seeing Shiro again.” He shrugged and leaned in to kiss the top of her head. “I always said that if I ever had kids, I’d add their handprints or something. Document the milestones.”

“Don’t they hurt?”

Hunk smirked. “You want one?” Pidge winced and smiled. “It depends. These didn’t hurt much. Felt like a pinch or a scrape. I mean, honestly, compared to some stuff we went through with Voltron? Not too bad.” He traced a finger over Pidge’s arm, connecting the freckles with his finger. “You already have art on your body.”

“My freckles?” she asked with a disbelieving laugh. “I mean… I don’t hate them, but they’re not art.”

“They’re like stars. You’ve got constellations all over you. You’re a galaxy, honeybee.” Her ran a finger over one of her scars which ran from her elbow to the back of her forearm. “Complete with shooting stars and meteors.”

She chuckled and poked the top of his nose. “I think you’re the only one who sees it that way, love.”

He shrugged. “More for me to admire then. I’ve traveled the universe, but I’ve got a whole other universe right here in you.” Pidge felt her heart swell and her cheeks burned. It was so easy to believe him when he looked at her that way.

“I love you,” she whispered, putting all of her adoration and love and fascination into those three syllables.

The smile that spread on his face was slow and sleepy, but warm and full of joy. “My heart is yours,” he answered. Pidge’s lips parted in surprise. Her heartbeat fluttered and every part of her relaxed further to curl into him.

Their breaths slowed as they started to fall asleep. Pidge had a fleeting thought of how lucky she was to have fallen in love with someone who love her without inhibitions and did everything to make sure she never forgot or doubted it. Hunk loved her for who she was, and he had since they were young. Pidge never had to hide anything from him, never had to shy away or cover her body or quell her quirks. Hunk knew all of it. Loved all of her.

It was more than she ever dreamed of experiencing.

#hidge #team punk #yellowgreen #hunk and pidge #fragile hearts

21 notes · View notes

mittensmorgul · 7 years

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not only MP, now also misha said that cas will be back but we must consider there are also alternate universes, this is making me more nervous I don't want an alternate cas , all the character development and his history with dean lost, it's so upsetting :(

Yeah, I’ve had questions along this line, but I haven’t been able to really answer formally. Along these lines and also in my inbox this morning: (AN: all things in italics are other anon messages… sometimes my inbox helps me out with anons sort of answering each other… Eldritch Inbox):

Hello, i’m sorry if you answered this already, but i do have a question about a certain theory going about about the idea of an au!cas (possibly the one who got killed?) I guess i’m kind of confused about it and was wondering if you’ve either already spoken on it or can expand on the idea? thanks :)

and

Im worried now theyll just exchange Cas for AU cas and think thats fine because we still have the same actor. The flash did the same thing had the character leavd and brozgh the guys alernative version to stick around

and:

While I can see them (hopefully) using AU Cas in good way for a few eps (tho it doesn’t make sense because there would be no reason for JimmyCas in the other world, but they often don’t address stuff that doesn’t make sense well) I don’t think they would decide to not bring regular Cas back. They have 2 seasons left. I don’t think they would get rid of 1 of the mains. 50% if you counted Crowley. Tho they did that with Angel and the relationship on that show in the last season. Hmm.

Okay, I really, truly 100% honestly don’t think they’re going to use AU Cas at all as a replacement for OUR Cas. If the show is going to open up more alternate realities, I can see OUR Cas (and Sam and Dean) meeting those alternate universe versions for an episode here and there, if only to MIRROR what our Cas is going through, but WHY would they bring Cas THIS FAR in his story, to the point where HE HIMSELF has developed and grown and learned SO MUCH ABOUT HIMSELF, and been prodded by practically EVERY CHARACTER EVER about WHO HE IS and WHAT HE WOULD CHOOSE TO BE if they were just gonna toss him out and bring in replacement copies with entirely different life experiences?

We don’t just love the concept of what would essentially boil down to a random character wearing Misha’s face, WE LOVE OUR CAS. Who we’ve watched struggle FOR NINE DAMN YEARS to get to this point in his understanding of humanity, his compassion, his sense of family, and his LOVE for the Winchesters… like two steps before he was ready to make some BIG FINAL CHOICES for himself… And I can’t think of ANY reason for the writers to just erase ALL of that and start over with a “blank slate” version of Cas. Honestly if that’s what they’re planning to do, I would forever be officially done with this damn show.

Talk about your Jump The Shark moments.

BUT! Considering the Cas we saw on screen looked identical to our Cas, down to the coat and tie, and the fact that the Apocalypse AU didn’t look like they had a Dillard’s, I’m assuming that we have not met a Castiel from that AU. What reason would he have for looking like Jimmy Novak in our Castiel’s outfit when AU Bobby looked the way he did, and when AU demons LOOKED like demons (not possessed humans), and when we heard AU angels were human-hating monsters too… Something tells me AU Cas would look NOTHING like Jimmy in suit and tie. It just makes no logical sense.

Even MAGIC in that AU didn’t seem to work properly. Crowley’s spell didn’t seem to be what closed the portal. It was the nephilim’s birth that closed it.

Which brings me back around to the beginning of the line (just like the structure of the episode, and the meta-ness of the title– a song that ends at the beginning…)

Kelly grabs Cas’s hand, after he’s seen the AU that the nephilim SHOWED HIM SPECIFICALLY, of what the world without the Winchesters would look like– remember in 12.09 when Cas was ADAMANT that the world needs every last Winchester? And he was willing to break cosmic-level deals to make sure the world could keep its Winchesters? To me, in this scene where Kelly needs reassurance about Castiel’s “vision of the future” the nephilim showed him, that is something that’s ALSO forefront on his mind:

Kelly: Tell me again. Tell me again what you saw.Cas: All right. I saw… I saw (he closes his eyes and concentrates on Kelly taking his hand in 12.19, exactly as she just did now)… I saw the future. (flashback to 12.19, with the nephilim’s power flowing through Cas and lighting his eyes up gold). I saw a world without pain, or hunger, or want. I saw the world that this child– that your child– will create. And it is a world without fear, and without suffering, and without hate. I saw paradise.

As he finishes recounting the memory for her, the lights flicker and we hear the Impala pulling up outside. Like the nephilim was alerting Cas to the Winchesters’ presence.

And then Cas learns that Lucifer isn’t in the cage. He can’t even believe it at first. So that’s something the nephilim obviously didn’t bother informing him about… Dean asks Cas if he’ll be able to torch Lucifer the same way he torched Dagon, and Cas attributes that 100% to the baby (who’s a little busy being born at the moment…). But in 12.19, Cas said it was a combination of their powers… so what’s the truth?

Even as Cas tells Dean that it was only the nephilim working through him, he heals Dean in a way that is VERY DIFFERENT from every other time in history. I’m not the only one who noticed. I refer you again to my inbox:

I think it’s interesting that literally seconds after Cas tells Dean he doesn’t have the nephilim’s power at his disposal, he heals Dean’s leg with the nephilim’s gold light. It makes me wonder if Cas has some of the nephilim’s power within him that could save him. OR when Cas healed Dean, maybe that power transferred to Dean. He seemed oddly invigorated after he was healed, ya know? Like more so than usual.

and:

Hi so when I was watching the second ep after Cas first left the alternate dimension I noticed he seemed a bit off. Do u think there’s any way that he was like possessed or something?

BECAUSE YES! HELLO! I’ve been saying that the nephilim has somehow been using Cas since 12.19. Maybe it’s not “brainwashing” or “mind control,” but I’ve been struggling to explain the nuance here. Maybe more like “infection?” or “poison?” In a similar way the Lance of Michael “poisoned” Cas in 12.12, But that’s not even right.

Like the Angel Tablet was able to direct Cas to protect it over everything else, even his relationship with the Winchesters, I think the nephilim has that kind of power over him. And that for whatever reason, he Chose Cas as his protector.

Cas also tried to prevent Sam and Dean from going out back and seeing the portal in the first place. And then he downplayed it while also being mesmerized by it. But he’s absolutely certain that Jack OPENED the door, and that he will close it too.

Cas then goes up to talk to Kelly alone, and she asks him what’s wrong… and it looks like he’s SINCERELY HAVING DOUBTS. While Dean’s downstairs telling Sam that he has faith in US…

WE DO NOT SEE WHAT GOES DOWN BETWEEN CAS AND KELLY aside from him holding her hand AGAIN and sort of robotically saying, “Don’t worry, it will be fine. Remember, paradise.”

Did he tell her about the portal between worlds, and the horror on the other side of the doorway her child had opened? When Crowley showed up at the exact right moment, seemingly already knowing about the portal and exactly how to close it (in theory?) When Lucifer shows up out front (seemingly NOT already knowing about the portal?).

And Lucifer’s reasoning is the same as Amara’s was, and the same as Jack the Nephilim’s is– “I can do better than god, so I’m gonna burn the place down and start over to make the world just how I want it.”

Right before Cas attacks, Dean says, “See you on the other side, boys.”

THE OTHER SIDE.

The other side of the house… the other side of the portal.

THEIR PLAN, I CAN ONLY ASSUME, IS TO TRAP LUCIFER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PORTAL BEFORE JACK CAN CLOSE IT.

I think that’s what the nephilim WANTED. And also why he waited SO LONG to close it… because Crowley’s spell was never going to work there. But the nephilim wanted Sam and Dean and CAS TOO on THIS SIDE OF THE PORTAL. I think that AU was the nephilim’s solution to shoving Luci back in the cage. To send him to a world where his vessel bloodline is extinct. A world he can’t possibly destroy any more than it’s already destroyed. He wanted an apocalypse, that’s what Jack gave him.

Cas is knocked out in front of the house. I’m sort of enamored with the idea that he’s still unconscious out there, and the Cas we saw in the rest of the episode was nothing more than a construct– an illusion sent by Jack to act as a lure, for whatever reason. Because his actions after this are a bit confusing…

Sam and Dean lead Lucifer around to the portal and then cross over to lure Luci through. Dean plays bait while Sam and Crowley work the spell (why on THAT side of the rift? Why not on the “right side”?

Sam pulls Dean away to the rift as Crowley sacrifices himself, and for some reason they just stop there? They stand around watching Crowley’s demise. YET SOME VERSION OF CAS THAT DOESN’T EVEN RESPOND TO DEAN, JUST PUSHES PAST HIM AND SAYS NOTHING, just charges through the rift toward Lucifer, and then seemingly just– walks up to Lucifer, stabs him, and then turns right around and comes back out again?

All while Kelly DISAPPEARS ENTIRELY IN A FLASH OF LIGHT AS JACK IS “BORN?”

We see Lucifer completely unaffected by the bullets Dean shot him with in the AU, as if Cas hadn’t been expecting Lucifer to be able to follow him out for some reason…

Kelly’s body has mysteriously returned to the bed after the light flash, and Jack’s huddled in the corner of his nursery staring up at Sam with those creepy yellow eyes.

I think Jack’s been using Cas all along, ever since 12.19, and I have seen nothing to break me of that belief.

It’s as if every time Cas gets near Sam and Dean, Jack loses a little bit of that control though. But Jack understands that Dean is both necessary as a motivation for Cas (he does everything for the Winchesters, not for heaven, not even for himself), as well as a potential risk. It’s as if Dean is what’s opening up Cas’s “doorways to doubt,” that he told Dean about in 4.16, right after Uriel told Dean that he was Cas’s “weakness.”:

DEAN: What’s going on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?CASTIEL: My superiors have begun to question my sympathies.DEAN: Your sympathies?CASTIEL: I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You. They feel I’ve begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment.

Then in 4.18 Cas relents and gives Dean the nudge in the right direction he needs to stop Sam from making a deal with Lilith (which could’ve potentially STOPPED the apocalypse, but that was before we knew killing Lilith would START it… but feels almost like a test of Cas’s loyalty to Heaven as much as anything, because that entire EPISODE seems in retrospect like a strange loop of Chuck getting to know the players in his own game), and leads directly to him being dragged back to Heaven Boot Camp for reprogramming.

When Cas comes back at the end of the episode, he’s changed. He serves heaven again, not man, and certainly not Dean…

I think Castiel’s “death” in 12.23 is serving the same sort of function. I’m thinking of it as Jack’s answer to Heaven Boot Camp. I am still absolutely convinced that Jack has been influencing Cas’s actions since 12.19, and that Cas is imbued with Jack’s power (hence the golden light when he healed Dean). There is no other explanation for it. Why else give Dean that little cut on his face that we got to see healed with that weird gold light, if it wasn’t to tell us that it was Jack’s power that healed him? It wasn’t clear in 12.19 because Cas was healing an internal injury beneath Dean’s jacket. We didn’t see that healing at work, because we were supposed to be asking ourselves whether or not Cas was being controlled by Jack still… but NOW WE HAVE VISUAL PROOF.

Why would Jack go through all this trouble to keep Cas close while keeping the Winchesters away unless they (or Dean, really) were interfering with that control somehow? Like Cas and his doubts in s4? And even in s5?

Like every time Cas has been “programmed” in Heaven one of his primary objectives was to STAY AWAY FROM THE WINCHESTERS? Like in 7.17 when he was Emmanuel. One day with Dean and he remembered EVERYTHING. Like Naomi controlling him in 8.17, where one day with Dean and he broke free of her control, only to be ruled by the angel tablet and immediately feel the need to run away from Dean again.

We even learned that CROWLEY spent most of s6 trying to convince Cas to stay away from Sam and Dean. It was the foundation of his entire plan to crack purgatory for the souls…

Instead of bringing Kelly back to the bunker in 12.19, KELLY (under the control of the nephilim already) STOLE THE IMPALA and ran away from the Winchesters. And then when Cas fell under Jack’s power he booped them unconscious and fled.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

Because all of heaven, earth, hell, and purgatory KNOW that Cas needs to be kept away from Dean if they want to use Cas for their own ends… and that’s exactly what Jack wants. But how can he sever Cas’s connection to the Winchesters?

FACTORY RESET.

He doesn’t have a Heaven Boot Camp with the Dentist’s Chair of Horror.

My guess? The Cas we’re going to see in 13.01 is going to be disturbingly familiar to the Cas at the end of 4.20. Instead of serving Heaven, he’s going to be all aboard the Jack bandwagon. Because Jack still needs SOMEONE, but he needs someone whose faith in him is unshakable. And as long as Cas has ties to the Winchesters as anything more than a symbolic reason for following Jack’s plan for bringing “paradise” to the world, a symbol he’d been willing to sacrifice himself for, then Cas’s loyalty was always in jeopardy.

But resurrected as something NEW, bearing Jack as the source of his power instead of Heaven or God or wherever angel Grace is hooked up to as a power source, he may have much greater control over Cas.

At least, that’s how I’ve been thinking of it…

(and I suspect that Cas will be restored to himself by midseason, and Jack will have effectively moved into Big Bad territory by then…)

#anonymous #spn 12.23 #spn s12 speculation #spn s13 speculation #spn 4.16 #spn 4.18 #spn 4.20 #castiel winchester #jack nougat winchester

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