Existen personas que viven intensamente, que luchan por sus hijos, por preservar su realidad, estudian, trabajan, son buenos padres, buenas madres, todo al mismo tiempo, aún no consigo dimensionar esa fuerza de vida, ese impulso divino que los lleva a ser disciplinados para finalmente disfrutar la miel de la victoria.
Los veo, ejemplos de grandeza, yo no me veo así, no soy ejemplo de grandeza, no vivo en la miseria pero mi alma agoniza y nadie lo nota, desesperado me gustaría encontrar un sentido, un propósito, sonreír como ellos sonríen, luchar como ellos luchan, soñar como ellos sueñan.
En silencio lamento mi mediocridad, en soledad agonizo, silencio, no me importa, no hay salida, solo entradas, un laberinto que no tiene fin, el eco deprime y los gritos esperan respuesta, no se escuchará.
Nabuplata
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Day 5 - No Response
@mediwhumpmay
"Dad?" Levi called. "Dad?"
He frowned. It wasn’t like Tai to ignore him, and he'd not left them - he would have told them if he had. He'd only wanted a form signed for school, only wanted to be away from his laptop for a few minutes, not chasing his dad around the house. Levi made his way to the bedroom, knocking before he pushed the door open. Even mad he still had manners.
He sighed. No sign of Tai there either. He almost left, turning back into the room with a frown. They never left the lights on, Harrison was always on at them for it, so for the bathroom light and fan to be on, it didn't make sense.
"Dad?" Worry curled in his stomach, only growing as he got no response. "Dad?"
The bathroom door was open, but there was nothing from his dad. Surely he'd heard him if he was there? Levi slowly padded forward, pulling the door open. Shit.
He stumbled back, panic overwhelming him. He ran to the landing, tears already threatening.
"Alfie? Alfie! Dad's not well, Alfie!" He didn't wait for his response, running back to Tai's side. "Dad? C'mon, wake up, please. Please, dad."
Alfie had been in his room, trying to revise for his upcoming exams. He’d heard Levi calling for Tai, but assumed he’d found him, until he heard him shout again, this time calling for him. He sounded panicked, and Alfie rushed to his feet, hurrying out onto the landing. “What’s wrong? Levi?”
"Dad's not awake. He's breathing but he's not awake."
“Is he hurt?” He asked, worry rising. “Has he hit his head?”
"I don't know. He's soaked, like he'd been in the shower with his clothes on." Levi frowned again. "Do you have his phone? Maybe it's his diabetes?"
Alfie crouched next to his dad, forcing himself to take a deep breath. “In the cupboard, get the proper glucose thingie.”
Levi scrambled up, skidding to a stop in front of the unit and rifling through the drawers. He grabbed it and rushed back, all but throwing it at his brother. "Here."
It was hard to try and think, Alfie relying mainly on what his Dads had always told him. If he was breathing, check his sugars. He fumbled with the kit, trying to find a lancet. He grabbed his dad’s hand, muttering an apology as he broke the skin and took the reading. The machine seemed to take forever, and when it came back, Alfie frowned. Lo. It must be broken, it never read that. He tried again, and got the same result.
“Levi, have you got your phone?”
"It's in my room. Why?"
“Go get it, and call an ambulance. Now.”
"Is dad dying?"
“No, he’s not dying. His sugars aren’t right, though, he needs help.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either.
“O-Okay.” He rushed off again, grabbing his phone off his desk. He was already calling 999 as he landed on his knees by the pair.
“Explain he’s diabetic, yeah?”
"Can't you do it?" He hissed between questions. "No, no, he's not awake."
“It’s okay, keep going.” Alfie encouraged.
"Uh, he's diabetic. His sugars aren’t reading. No, no it just said Lo, right Alfie? Yeah, just lo."
Alfie nodded, digging around to find the glucose they kept. It was definitely in there somewhere.
"Can you hurry up, please?" Levi asked the operator. "Dad's not well."
“We’re coming as quickly as we can, sweetheart.” The operator soothed gently, as Alfie finally found what he was looking for. Hands shaking he opened it and managed to give it to Tai, desperately hoping it would do something.
"Have you boys got your dad's glucagon anywhere? The injection that goes in his arm or leg?"
Levi ?? the question to Alfie, biting his lip as he waited. Why did Kieran have to be walking Scout? Why was Harrison at work? He roughly wiped his tears away, his dad needed him to be stronger than this.
“Um, I don’t know. I think it’s here somewhere…” Alfie mumbled, feeling the panic rising.
"Does Kieran have one?"
“I think so. It’s… I think I know where it is.” He said, rushing back over to the cupboard again. His dads had gone over it time and time again, and Kieran knew what to do, but Alfie just hadn’t thought they’d have to actually do it. Why did their Dad have to be working? He managed to find it, and relief flooded through him. “I’ve got it!”
"Do you know what to do?" Levi asked, looking up at his brother.
“Yeah. Yeah, I remember.”
"Alfie, when's dad's birthday? How old is he?"
“Um, he’s 45? Maybe? His birthday is May something. May 25th.”
"She says they're nearly here. I'm gonna go open the door."
“Yeah, go on.” Alfie said, distracted as he gave the injection. He hated doing it, but he had to, and he’d practised before.
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Existential Malaise: Post-Birthday Crash
I tried hard to celebrate my 50th birthday in my own weird way. I tried to focus on goals. I created things (that some people might call art), including photography and writing. I even shared the things I created (that some people might call art) with other people. I posted it on social media for my very limited audience of 73 people. Very few people read my writing. Very few people viewed my photographs. Out of those very few, even fewer responded. I hoped for some discussion of the visual elements in the photos (costume pieces and background) or discussion of the themes in the writing (advice to one's younger self). No one wanted to discuss anything. (Except one friend who provided some constructive feedback on the photos because I asked for advice.) They responded with likes, hearts, or unenthusiastic comments like, "Good thoughts," and "Yes, I saw it," when asked if they had seen it.
Artists know the pain of sharing their creations with an audience that, at best, doesn't have time to read, an audience that is not skilled in analyzing or responding to the art, an audience that doesn't understand the art or the artist, an audience that just doesn't care, or, at worst, an audience that actively dislikes the art and/or the artist. I know people don't have time to read longer essays or articles. There's also the issue of ubiquitous written media to choose from. There's so much of it that readers must sort through and select what interests them. I know.
[EDIT: After having been told this piece was passive-aggressive attack on my audience, I revised it. The changes are italicized.]
I know my own shortcomings in responding with the appropriate language and appreciation for what my friends create, be it photography, painting, writing, fiber arts, dancing, singing, playing a musical instrument, acting, sound and light design, or stage production. I'm not educated enough to adequately express the appreciation my artist friends need to feel seen, valued, and understood. But I try.
Today, once again, I feel like a character in a Flannery O'Connor story. This feeling has come to me many times in three decades, since I was introduced to the Southern Gothic writer of "A Good Man is Hard to Find." You know the character type. Eventually, they suffer a revelation. I feel hopeless, listless, disaffected, frustrated, misunderstood, and ignored. I am a combination of Hulga from "Good Country People" and Asbury in "The Enduring Chill." Am I the Grandmother in "A Good Man is Hard to Find"? I am an insufferable person.
"She would have been a good woman if it had been someone there to shoot her every minute of her life." - The Misfit.
That is my revelation.
I'm going back to bed.
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Got ghosted again.
I never learn, do I? After hours and hours of incessantly checking my phone for a sign of life from the man I wish to befriend and fuck, I have come to the painful but necessary conclusion: He turned off his read receipts, has seen the message, and probably has no intention in responding to it or talking to me ever again.
This is coming from the man who agreed to be friends, who made a promise of a relationship, who has made out with me. This action is coming from a man who has been giving me mixed signals, and who has been dry with me lately. Wow, I should have known.
It's been two days. Yesterday, I was waiting for his response. It seemed reasonable, right? Today, I am just done. I have removed his name and photo from my contacts, and he is now deduced to a mere phone number. At this point, I could block him. I should block him. What if I block him, and I make a mistake? What if I'm overreacting? I don't know if I am, but no way I am sending another message or asking if he's okay. I said "I need your help," which implies urgency. HE HAS NOT RESPONDED!
I don't care if he's doing Mechanical Engineering, or if he's on his phone for only three to four hours, or if he goes to the Harvard of the North. It takes a minute to respond to a single text, a second to even view it. I don't expect him to read it in a matter of seconds, but if we are friends, I expect him to respond. That, and the fact that I still like him, despite my work friend telling me he is ugly and I can do better.
I don't care, I don't want to care, and I am just finished. Finito. Done with him!
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