#nobody thinks they need someone like me

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[astranauticus]

stultifera navis rerun AKA thinking about Iberia hours again because a lot of the Iberians have such fascinating relationships with the concept of home but specifically Thorns and Lumen are eating at my brain. like where do you call home when the place that is your home Just Fucking Hates You? Elysium's rewinding breeze specifically makes a point to hammers home how differently Iberia treats its Liberi and its Aegir

(which is especially interesting since this comes right after a conversation where Purestream commented on how despite Leizi being a high ranking government official, there are still some experiences that are universal for all Yanese people - because the experience of what Iberia itself is like isnt universal for all Iberians)

But all that being said, Thorns also straight up states that Aegir is not his home, and yeah, how could it be? How could a place you've never been to, never truly known, ever be your home? How could it ever feel like a home?

so where do you go when the place that you are from hates your people and the place your people are from is completely unfamiliar and alien to you? Thorns' answer at the end of the conversation with Aya is: my home is where i chose it to be. my home is where there are people I care about and people who care about me

in the complete opposite direction, Lumen's oprec asks: why do you still stay in a place that wants you gone? because the people of Gran Faro like Jordi well enough but when push comes to shove, they will want the only Aegir in town gone

and yet, when Rald the messenger offers him a chance to leave Jordi turns him down and when he's forced to escape Gran Faro after the people there literally try to send him to his death (or worse) at the hands of the Inquisitors he keeps trying to go back because like everyone in stultifera navis, Jordi is clinging to his own dreams of a golden age

but the shape of that dream is unique to every character and for Jordi, his dreams are deeply, inseparably bound to the Eye of Iberia, the legacy his parents left behind

and it's this dream of becoming someone great, of bringing about that golden age that his parents devoted their lives to help create that ties Jordi to this nothing town because despite everything, despite the mistrust of the townsfolk and the hostility of the Inquisition and the danger from the ocean, he simply cannot leave it behind

(or, because i personally dislike the official translation,)

"I just see this place as my home"

so yeah. not sure what overall point i was trying to make here i'm just. deeply in love with these stories about chosing what is and isn't your home, of saying you will not call a place your home because it has given you no reason to or saying you consider a place your home even though it has given you every reason not to. deeply unwell about them <3

#arknights #asto speaks #not much of an essay writer i just keep thinking about them and i need to force other people to think about them too #thorns story fucks me up bc like. this whole almost found family adjacent idea of like #maybe home isnt something decided by your birth but something you can chose based on what truly matters to you #it just gets to me. i guess. #jordi gets to me in a completely different direction there's nothing personal about it i just find his story *fascinating* #just a guy. a completely normal guy. an absolute nobody caught up in these dreams of greatness while also fully aware of his own normalcy #but never letting either of those overshadow the other. never losing that self awareness or that fuckin obsessive determination #god. what a Character #i love jordi so much like genuinely #i joke a lot about him being just a Guy but thats also kinda like the best thing about him #the fact that he is the way that he is and does all the things he does despite being just a Guy #gently holds #for context i was so hyped about new iberia lore when sn was announced i read the whole thing as soon as it dropped on cn server #cuz someone uploaded all the story sections to bilibili right after it came out #and '我只是把这里当作自己的故乡啊' fucking hit me SO HARD #in like the greater context of elysium demanding to know why hes risking his life in like 5 different ways to return to gran faro #because yeah jordi just doesnt want to leave his home but like we the audience knows the full *weight* of what that home means to him #and the weight of the dreams that made him chose to see Gran Faro as his home and to refuse to let go of that #thats why i like the original a lot more than the translation i think like it really emphasises that active *choice*. #this is the place jordi has *decided* to see as his home and he knows what that means and what it means to him #side note the part on thorns might not actually age well depending on whether hg decides to ever release more aulus lore #i mean i'll gladly take the L if it means more aulus and/or thorns lore like #i just wanna know what (if anything) is tying him to iberia yknow #ak #iberiaposting

[youngpettyqueen]

I really cant stay miserable when I see Julian shooting Garak in the neck and Garak getting horny about it

#star trek: ds9 #julian bashir #elim garak #otp: I need to know that someone forgives me #how many times am I gonna post about this scene #WHO is doing it like Julian and Garak. the answer is nobody #'what makes you think I wasn't trying?' OK JULIAN #they should've made out about it

[apoptoses]

do you ever make yourself sad before bed thinking about how Armand’s hostility and desperation towards Lestat comes partly from the fact that Lestat came first to rescue Nicki and then to try and help Louis and Claudia, but no one Armand knew ever actually attempted to rescue or help him?

#not bg3 giving me meta fodder for vc #I feel like there’s an essay to be made from this but my life is on fire and I lack the spoons #in their early relationship Armand wants to hurt Lestat just as much as he wants Lestat to save him #he’s not just jealous of the way Lestat lives so freely #but the way he so bravely swoops in to save Nicki #when to Armand’s knowledge nobody ever even attempted to do that for him #so it’s no wonder he hates him as much as he admires him #Lestat is the hero he wishes he had and it’s inevitable Armand become a bitter thing from meeting and being rejected by him #and want to punish him for being capable of giving others the things Armand himself wished for #and though he grows into someone who can offer kindness and hospitality to others #I wonder if he believes he deserves to receive it himself #or if his offers of hospitality at Trinity gate or taking care of sleeping Lestat are ways for him to be in control of a situation #when someone else is needing help #and avoid his feelings about needing to receive help himself #so much to think about and not enough spoons to fully explore ir 🤧 #vc meta #armand/lestat

[leupagus]

Behind the scenes, American officials also believe there is limited time for Israel to try to accomplish its stated objective of taking out Hamas in its current operation before uproar over the humanitarian suffering and civilian casualties – and calls for a ceasefire – reaches a tipping point. In fact, there is recognition within the administration that that moment may arrive quickly: Some of the president’s close advisers believe that there are only weeks, not months, until rebuffing the pressure on the US government to publicly call for a ceasefire becomes untenable, sources told CNN.

A lot of this pressure — the majority, I would wager — that Biden and US national leaders are getting is the result of people calling their reps, attending protests, writing to their newspapers and generally making themselves heard on this issue. People make a difference, and it's always worth reaching out to your legislators and telling them what you think.

Senators' info is pretty easy to find, since you've got two for every state (even DC and other non-state people have someone they can call!) but sometimes it's a little tricky remembering who your representative is, especially now with the district lines having changed up. So check your address here and then call their office — I've found more luck getting hold of an actual person at their local offices rather than the DC one, fwiw.

#deleted my previous reblog of someone else's post #because someone in the replies said 'maybe hitler had the right idea' and I just...don't need that today #plus frankly if you say 'israel is committing genocide' and then allow comments like 'jews should've gotten genocided harder' #then you terrify me and I cannot trust you on... pretty much anything #but I think this article will show people that their voices matter! #please reblog if you feel like this is something you can support—I'd love for more people to call their politicians #YOU CAN DO THIS GO GIVE PEOPLE A CALL #politics! #eta: also note the headline of this article—specifically calling it 'carnage'—reflects a more accurate depiction of the violence #that the Israeli army is inflicting on Gaza #I think a LOT of newsmedia has done a bad job of using terminology in this and other issues #(remember when nobody would write that Trump was lying despite clear proof that he was in fact lying) #but this indicates that there's more desire in the media to describe things in clearer terms #which again is progress!

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

I LOVE going everywhere by bike. Don't need to wait for a bus. Don't need to cram myself into a bus with (urgh) people. Or even worse, what feels like every single student in town. I still get home in about the same amount of time. I'm so so flexible including with places. Like yeah sure, let's go there! I don't care if the next bus station is far away. Doesn't matter to me.

Stayed out late with friends recently. Two of em had to get their family to come pick them up because that's too far to walk and it was too late for buses. A different friend lives like 30 minutes away but always walks and their way goes through a small park where literally no one is at with few lanterns so it's pitch black and I could literally just walk them home and then take the bike which is faster and has its own light and feels and probably is safer than walking those dark ass streets at night alone.

Like. I can just do all that. And yeah, sometimes when I'm not doing too well I feel like collapsing afterwards and yeah, maybe my fingers feel like falling off a lot at this time of year but that's like. SO worth it. I have no idea how people can live and NOT go everywhere by bike. Like if it's more than 20-30 minutes maybe but even with hills.... I fucking love my bike.

#a biscuit's rambles #also i just love going out with friends til late?? #with the lockdown and shit that is such an entirely new experience and its great #also i like feeling useful i think. i like walking a friend home knowing ill definitely get home safe #idk #i also like my bike. a lot #been taking it literally every single day for years now and i have no regrets #EXCEPT FOR THOSE FUCKING PEDESTRIANS THAT HEAR MY BELL AND DO NOT FUCKING MOVE #AND THE OTHER BIKES THAT JUST DONT RING THEIR BELLS OR NOT EVEN HAVE ANY #LIKE THEN YOU GOTTA AT LEAST YELL AT PEOPLE TO MOVE OVER YOU NUMBNUT #A BIKE IS QUIET THEY DO NOT HEAR YOU THEY WILL NOT MOVE OVER MAGICALLY #AND IM STUCK BEHIND YOU #ALSO ITS JUST ASSHOLE BEHAVIOUR LIKE SOMEITMES WARNING SOMEONE SO THEY KEEP TO THE BLOODY SIDE IS GOOD!!! #and dont even get me STARTED ON SOME OF THE CARS #MUCH LESS THE STUPID ASS FUCKING INFRASTRUCTURE OF MY TOWN #ITS LIKE THEY WANT BIKES TO BE RUN OVER #fun fact i have been run over before #just fuckin collided with a car #nobody would listen to me try to pick apart the details of how it felt #which was probably my way of trying to cope with that experience lol #though nothing serious happened. bUT STILL #also oh god that one stupid fucking street with those stupid ass cars NOBODY NEEDS A CAR THERE JUST BAND HTEM ALREADY #AND THE. THE FUCKIGN ROADWORKS #I CAN NOT REACH MY SCHOOL WITHOUT ALMOST BEING EITHER HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A HUGE SHOVEL OR RUN OVER BY A TRUCK #AND IF THATS NOT THE CASE THEN THERES SO MANY FCKING PEOPLE THAT EVEN IF I YELL AT THEM LIKE MAD I CANT GET PAST WITHOUT RUNNING SOMEONE #THROUGH MYSELF #im very passionate about all things bike. but thinking abt it is a huge part of my life so im allowed to be

[actual-corpse]

Saw a YT vid with the title, "Fandom Can't Handle Asexuality"

You're right, they can't... Because it doesn't fucking exist to them.

#aroace #asexual #enby people arent real either #we're told to stop using neopronouns and to stop being aroace bc 'nobody will take LGBT seriously' #keep being exclusionary #i dont want to be your friend if you're gonna act like that #I'm a genderqueer aroace person who's pronouns are it/its and you're gonna fucking respect that or be called a bigot #this shit has got to stop #also... because it matters #dont be ableist #ever. just dont #one of the main reasons i hate Alastor so much... is the fandom's treatment of him as a character #most of them completely erase his sexuality in favor of shitty crack ships. #I think a QPR with Lucifer or Rosie is a cute idea! but that's it #keep Vox pining for Alastor... that's great too #its like when I tried to erase Porter Gage's Bisexuality.... It was wrong and I've changed (Fallout 4's romanceable companions are cannonic #cannonically bisexual... I don't make the rules) I was just mad because someone had MY BLORBO in a disgusting ship and I got sick of seeing #it... And THEN I learned how to block tags!!! #idk where this is going #i'm just upset that aros and aces and enbys are erased #maybe it's a confirmation bias and i've just spent too long doing demographic research #i HATE demographic research #it takes me to disgusting places #i need to find my sewing patterns so I can refocus my energy into something good

[justablah56]

hmm I think instead of feeling bad I will simply project this bad onto The Character . for funsies .

#just blahs #not gonna do anything abt it bcs idk how i could but ovuehncke sparrow with scrupulosity ocd <3 #just consider with me sparrow being terrified of accidentally saying anything wrong or offending literally anyone #and her completely accidentally saying smthin offensive and trying to figure out how to properly deal with that #without just making the whole situation about herself rather than the person she actually offended #bcs shes afraid that makes her a bad person who just didnt care enough to be aware of herself #gets a bit venty past this point but guys im literally pinky promising you rn I'm ok and ill figure it out please no one bring it up to me #and nobody think about the fact that im projecting rn just think about sparrow ok #this is my way of dealing w similar stuff w/o making it about me bcs ik that thats a shitty thing to do and i need to work it out myself #aughhncns literally every time goddamnit . i accidentally do smthin wrong and then someone (very kindly !!!) tells me hey that was wrong #and then i have a breakdown about it and feel bad and overthink it for the next like week #jesus fucking christ ok it's fine im being patient with myself and i know no one thinks im a bad person #and i know that they know i didnt mean it #and i know that i did say smthin insensitive and thats just something i have to be aware of #and the fact that i said it doesn't mean that im a terrible horrific irredeemable person #i'm trying my best now to be aware of it and be better and think abt whst they said and that's all i can do and thats ok #its fine . #anyways . #also hi cookies if you see this genuinely thank you for telling me tho like i do appreciate it and i am ok dw

[thetriggeredhappy]

i dont wanna exaggerate and use terms like "personal responsibility" and "doing the right thing", implying that there's any amount of like, homework that you need to do, any kind of requirement in your day to day life - but i do think that sometimes you gotta do a nice thing for a kid, y'know? don't you remember how nice it was, being a kid, when someone older than you or cooler than you or more talented or capable than you said something or did something that showed that you, like, existed as a non-negative and non-detrimental entity? it's so hard, being a kid. tell them they're doing a good job. encourage them to go be human beings. do nice things for kids. c'mon. it's always worth it

#shut up me #thinking about this as im doing artfight #the amount of kids freaking out because someone actually drew them something #also when i say 'kid' i usually mean someone who's a noteworthy amount younger than me #but also be nice to children and teenagers. it's hard enough out there dude. tell a baby emo you like their style. theyll cry #just like. pass it along. i literally have like saved and printed out an old piece of art someone made for me in like #2014? of some oc i'd made back in the day. nobody had ever like. cared before. it made my year #we really just arent gonna make it unless we help each other and kids need that really bad

[jasonsthunderthighs]

I got a new mask. Anyone want to see it?

#if anyone fuckin cares anymore #I'm tired of this shit #I feel so fuckin alone on social media #even though I have 6.650 ‘followers’ here and BARELY get shit until one of my posts gets famous #even then I still get NO asks NO replies NO NOTHIN #follower count doesn't matter on here even though a lot of people think that #how many fuckin of you people need to follow me for my shit to be seen? #Do I need to get 10k? 20k? cause even at 6.6k I don't get fuckin shit like OTHER big Tumblr blogs #who either have the SAME follower count as I do #or even lower than what I have #and they still get shit on their posts #but I'm just here rantin nowadays to the fuckin void cause NOBODY wants to fuckin talk to me or have an actual conversation #you guys only do shit like this when I say somethin bout it or I make a suicidal post #which goes to show how fuckin fake EVERYBODY is when they say they “care for you” and will still be silent when I need help or someone #but whatever #rant in the tags #I need to shut up #shut up G #Not DC #Not DC related #personal #personal post

[em0-opossum]

sick of people acting like being alone/lonely = being single. ofc you're allowed to feel like that, I'm aro and could not care less that I don't have a partner so I have no idea what it feels like to have that experience, but god just once I'd like to find poetry and art made by people who know how it feels to have no friends and feel lonely no matter how many people are around you and know that you don't belong no matter where you are

#I'm lucky enough to have two good friends right now who i love very much #but that doesn't mean that they understand how i feel or how i have felt #and knowing you're alone in that overbearing loneliness just alienates you more and further perpetuates the feeling #i still miss out on so many opportunities to be friends with people i genuinely want to be friends with so bad because i can't talk to them #i still get so paranoid sometimes and stop replying to anyone because I'm convinced they hate me and there's something wrong with me #sometimes to the point where i avoid teachers who i need to talk to because i am sure that everything i say will be wrong #even someone being nice can feel awful because i think that they just feel bad or are pretending and actually trying to make fun of me #i know nobody actually knows who i am or how i feel because i hide everything to fit in with people and what they need/want #i have never felt like i belong anywhere and trying to explain that to people is so hard #there are times i love being alone but knowing that I've missed out on every regular human experience is so isolating #i just want to be normal and have friends i love and hang out with and talk to and not feel like every word i say could be the end of me #and when i try to find anybody who relates all i get is “oh im alone again :(( being single is awful” #i really do empathize with those people but it is nothing like my experience of loneliness #(tags are just for finding people who relate) #social anxiety #avpd #avoidant personality disorder #actuallyavpd #loneliness #chronic loneliness

[alexpression]

Okay, but imagine...you're a weary traveler and you stumble upon this tiny inn on a remote island only to walk in and be happily greeted by the notorious pirate Blackbeard.

#I can just see him still wearing his leather smiling wide like 'Welcome to Ed & Stede's do you need a room?' #ofmd #our flag means death #it's idea of them running an inn together thinking that nobody is gonna recognize either of them that is hilarious to me #especially with a very obvious grave right in the front yard #like...to someone who does not know what happened...it looks suspicious 🤣

[girlthingdecay]

.

#i kind of want to kill myself. im so disconnected from anything. i have no original thought. everything is scripted #everything is just put together pieces from things ive heard elsewhere and i do not have a single original thought #everyone can see that im masks all the way down and everyone can see that i am nothing underneath and even that is a stolen way of saying it #i have no way of making nothing palatable but i am simply nothing. invite me over and ill try to adapt to you and write a new script based #off new media but if you make me truly comfortable and somehow manage to unplug my behavior then youll be rewarded with me just sitting #beside you on the floor and staring at whatever media you show me without speaking much and only occasionally seeking further warmth from #you #i vocalized it to someone close recently but im a nothing void and i wish people all acted in exactly the way i wanted regardless #i have selfish fantasies about people just doing everything to make everything easy for me and if i were a god i would be an entirely #selfish one #if the right people would go and stay as i please even though im a nothing void and dont deserve them around #if they would all do whatever i needed like gave me cuddles or sex or affirmation or money or treats #if life was one long cycle of being the most treated god by everyone then maybe i could be something i dont know #maybe something could be manifested into me #everyone already projects an idea onto me so maybe a collective idea held by all with a great deal of love would make whatever they say of #me true and maybe then id exist fully #until then oh well #though in reality im just sanitizing a bit. having others fully as puppets serving me isnt something that i want because i think itll “fix” #me by any measures and id likely only grow far more sadistic and selfish but i wish for that world because i could live in perfect comfort #i could do anything i wanted and have anything i wanted and nobody would stop me #sorry this is just like. a long rambling in tags. i should shut up now

[indexcard]

my hot take of the day is that the internet has just kind of reinvented the gender binary for how brains work... scholarship presented you all with neurodiversity and the spectrum and you were all just like. right so people are either neurodivergent or neurotypical. got it 👍🏻

#annoying to me specifically as someone who gets by okay but also relates to jokes about having a 'special interest' or whatever #some of us are just a little weird. [2010 facebook voice] it's complicated #and the pressure to even SELF diagnose in some online communities is... insane #we need to wind it back we need to go back to mad rights #reflecting on how i really fell for some of that over-labelling stuff a few years back... #personally i do know what my mental illness diagnoses are but i also think they're nobody's business #all you get to know is that i'm crazy x #blah blah blah #perhaps my perspective on this is also informed by being (scare quotes) disabled #in a way that is very hard to avoid disclosing #constantly having to explain my accommodation needs to people is soooo tiresome lol #so for stuff where that's not necessary e.g. being a little weird i'm like. WHYYY #WHY WOULD YOU SHARE THAT #aren't you SICK of your internal organs being OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS