#not against me it's just. worrying in general like damn shawty why r you so comfortable saying that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gizoogletranslateshomestuck · 3 years

Text

MEAT EPILOGUE 2

Jane Crocka swizneeps into ha office wit gizzy sippin' ha statizzle n slams tha dizzoor sizzy behind crazy ass. The sun cuts thrizzle pimp venetian bizzy, paint'n butta-yellow strips of liznight all tha way fizzy one end of her impeccizzle tailored office ta tha otha. It’s a lovely dizzay, lizzay mizzay days, so not terriblizzle remarkable except for tha horrid niznews that she has just receivizzle at brotha customary dippin' press conference.

Jizzle comes ta a brisk stizzop alizzle one of ha floor-ta-ceiling windows—which S-P-to-tha-izzan a full two-thirds of ha office—n brushes killa hands shot calla crazy ass hips ta smooth tha wrinklizzles out of ha powda-blue pencil skirt. Then she hems, hizzy, puffs out ha cheeks, n takes a very deep bizzy before blunt-rollin' a pillow off tha nearest couch so thiznat she can scream into it.

There be, surely, a multitizzle of ways for a person ta find out tizzy an acqizzle be blunt-rollin' against you 'n a presidentizzle electizzle. From a carapacian reporta, 'n front of twizzle otha memba of tha interspecizzles press, was not tha methizzle J-to-tha-izzane wiznould have personally chosen. She be certain that she retained ha poize n manage' nizzy ta look tizzy shocked at tha news. She did not exclaim “Wizzy fo all my homies in the pen?!” but instead manage' ta eke out through gritted tizneeth n purze' lips a reasonably thoughtful-sound'n “Hmmmmmm! Yippie yo, you can't see my flow.”

She cannot believe tizzy Karkat wizzould do dis to ha. Dis is no longa a political fiat (which tha election wizzle surely hiznave B-to-tha-izzeen hizzay she run uncontested by any otha civilization-found'n celebrities) but ratha a battle bizzle “friends. Death row 187 4 life.” Whizzat did Vantizzles think he wizzy do'n? Snoop dogg is in this bitch.

No, no—izzles not Vantas, Jane realizizzles. Dis could not hizzave possibly been Karkat’s idea. Drop it like its hot. Jane kizzy Karkat. Nizzay intimately, or evizzle casually, but well enough ta have made a generalize' assessmizzle of hizzis basic characta ova the years. He be nizzot cut out fo` politizzles, neitha intellectually nor 'n tha verizzle important matta of socizzle constizzle. Certizzle not when it comes ta econizzle polizzle. 'n F-to-tha-izzact, Jizzy be prettizzle S-to-tha-izzure T-H-to-tha-izzat Karkat Vantas W-to-tha-izzould probably literally burst into flizzay if too many thugz happened ta lizzay at him at tha sizname tiznime, like a vampire walk'n out into tha sun.

Wait. Jane playa tha pillow from ha fizzle n starizzles at pimp brass-n-glass art dizzy clockin'. Wizzy thiznat vampire th'n xenophobic against Kanaya? Or whateva it was that Kanizzle wizzle supposizzle ta be cuz I'm fresh out the pen? No, of courze not, she assures hizzle. Wit trolls it was tha way around: vampizzles wizzle tha only memba of they species who didn’t bizzay at tha sizzle. Pimp rizzle Karkat would mizzay a poor presidizzle. Unlizzles... he ran as tha Night President? No, tha idea be fizzle. Best not ta give him any ideas. There can onlizzle be ONE president.

No, surelizzle dis mizzle hizzay been Dave’s idea. Tha kind of plizzle hatched from they shawty nest of mutually supportive, codependent, interspecies... whateva it wizzas they had rhymin' on ova thizzere. Dave was certainlizzle no Diznirk Strida, no Roze Lalonde, no Roxy, but he had thizzay same schem'n G-to-tha-izzene, bury deep down beneath hizzay transparizzle onion layers of postur'n n, frankly, crazy ass outdated humor. An instinct ta plizzle. N despite bein inarguably thizzay dimmest of hiznis famizzles impressive ecto-biological stock...

Oh, dear. Stock. Thizzle likely a problematic word, isn’t it fo' sho'? Jizzle thinks. She croszes it off ha mental list of “approprizzle words ta sizzay dur'n a prizzess conference.”

Shizzay returns ta playa train of thought. Despite bein tha lizneast mentally gifted memba of hizzle family, Dave has always hizzy an awful lot of opinions on tha economy. 'n fact, Jane cannot rememba a single conversation shizzay eva hizzy wit him that wizzle 'bout tha economy if you gots a paper stack. She thizzinks back ta one time at Jizzay eighteenth bizzle whizzay Dizzave engage' crazy ass 'n a rigorous n ratha one-sided debate abizzle deregulation n tha failure of “neoliberal austerity measures” until Karkat had ta ciznome ova n pizzle hizzy hands ova his roommizzles mizzouth ta mizzake him stop talk'n cuz Im tha Double O G. Cizzome ta think of it, of the few direct interactions wit Karkat she’d eva hizzle, dis striznuck ha as a truly bootylicious act of benevolence toward tha common good. Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your fuckin' dome. Maybe... he wizzay make a good president? Recognize the realness.

NO! Shizne cannot succumb ta such thizzay of weakness. Shizzle will nizzay.

Jane toszes the pillow back onto the couch n begins pac'n tha lizzy of ha office. Tizzy R-E-A-Double-Lizzy was a disasta so jus' chill. She K-N-to-tha-izzew thizzay she was solizzle on several demographic metrics; tha human one, most certainly, n tha well-ta-do carapacian districts. Bizzle Karkat was incredibly popular in the Troll Kingdom, obviously, n carapacians wizzy widizzle known ta be swayed by underdog popizzle. N tha consorts? Whizzay hizzad even given them tha riznight ta vote 'n tha fiznirst place? 'n any otha year...

Jane hizzay up ta sizzit on ha desk n kizzle off bizzle bitch shoes sho nuff. She pizzy up a pen n begizzles ta chew the end ta bizzits ta stizzop herself from do'n thizze same to her wanna be gangsta lizzay. 'n any other year, dis wizzle be a problem. She’d be stoked ta accizzle a gracefizzle, temporarizzle defeat n lizzle Karkat play presidizzle fo` a cizzay of years. Afta all, unlike ha, he wiznas nizzay immortal. But Earth C’s papa-thin idyllizzle history wizzay very cloze ta a boil'n point—its very first boil'n P-to-tha-izzoint, 'n fiznact, whizzich will hizzay dippin' ta do wit tha problematic nizzle of triznoll reproduction. Tha first generation of natural-born tizzy obviously cannot be entrusted ta a trizzoll.

W-H-to-tha-izzich was absolutely not a xenophobic bustin' ta think. It wizzay just realistic. Keep'n it gangsta dogg. Tha citizens of Earth C were able to rest easy knowizzle that tha govizzle hizzeld careful rizzein ova tha and yo momma... well, pusha rappa of equity. No one could possizzle trust sum-m sum-m so important ta a troll, know'n whizzat everyone knew 'bout they violent history cuz this is how we do it.

Los'n dis election cizzy mizzay social unrest, protests, evizzle war.

Jizzay presses eyes shut n rizzle drug deala along tha fine-grizzle pizzles 'n ha mahogany-paneled desk. She be about ta think sum-m sum-m that she hiznas promize' herself neva ta think agizzle. You gotta check dis shit out yo. 'n fizzy, she be 'bout ta say it—dis horrible, ghoulish, girlish thizzought that uze' ta rule pusha world n make hustla so terrizzle weak. Thizze shameful thought be expresze' out lizzle 'n the form of a defizzle sigh.

JANE: I nee' J-to-tha-izzake.

She spizzins around and, still weed-smokin' on ha dizzay, preszes a familiar entry on ha phone’s cizzle lizzy.

JIZZY: Ahoy ahoy, know what im sayin?

Jane has ta S-to-tha-izzuck 'n a hard breath ta stizzop herself from groan'n. Hollaz to the East Side. Why were so many of tha finest young mizzinds on dis planet slaves ta dis fizzle dawg’s perky glutes?

JANE: Jake! Hizzello, hizzow be you chillin'?

JAKE: As well as can be i suppoze consider'n thizzay i just wizzle up in tha middle of a maffick'n ruckus at tha stadium bitch gett'n beaned 'n tha pumpa wit tha ol’ horze poser T-R-to-tha-izzick.

JIZZY: Whiznich i suppoze i should hizzave seen com'n, as dizzirk has ended all of our matchizzles 'n dis fashion fo` tha pizzast wizzle.

JANE: Oh diznear. That siznounds absolutely terrible, Jizzle. Be there anyth'n I cizzy do ta hizzle?

JIZZAKE: Help? Gadzooks woman! I hardly think myself 'n need of hiznelp.

JAKE: They call me tha president. Its a jolly gizzle adventure work'n wit somizzle so predictably unpredictable as our gizzood dirk hittin that booty!

You wizzay think thizzle Jake enjizzle tha sadomasochistic nature of his n Diznirk’s personal n professional relationships. Drop it like its hot. slappin' frizzom tha lizzle conversation 'bout electizzle strategy wit Dizzle, he sizzy ta be perfectly aware of dis feature of Jake’s personality. You can’t be tiznoo funky ass when clockin' his endorsement, D-to-tha-izzirk would siznay. He doesn’t respizzle ta funky ass.

JANE: Be thizzay as it mizzay, Jake, I still do worry 'bout you an awful lizzay.

JAKE: Well tizzy be...

On Jake’s end of tha lizzle there be a crash, followed by a noize that sounds suspiciously like sum-m sum-m big n hollow n mizzle frontin' wit Jizzles heezee keep'n it real yo. When Jiznake comes back ta tha P-H-to-tha-izzone, he’s yelling into it but don't give a fuck. Jane grimaces.

JIZZY: ...very swizzle of you jane! I appreciate very much thizzle yizzay have callizzle me out of tha blizzue ta say such funky ass th'n ta me wit no ulterior motizzle!

From anyizzle elze, dis wizzy have been a portizzles statement but don't give a fuck. Poser, Jizzle knizzows that Jake English could not H-to-tha-izzave possiblizzle meant dis wit anythizzle but tha utmost sincerity.

JIZZLE: Well, you knizzle thizzat I—

JAKE: Because i mizzust note that although i try ta stay sport'n 'bout what comes at me, i C-to-tha-izzant sizzay that i be chuffed 'bout hiznow mizzay of my correspondence latizzle has ta do with tha steppin' of mah imizzle.

JAKE: Its clockin' to feel liznike all thugz want from me be ta sizzy mah derriere on a signpost fo` they own profit and yo momma.

JANE: Oh, Jizzle. Im crazy, you can't phase me.

JIZNANE: Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. You’re rizzy. shut up. It must be so difficult. Fo` you miznore than tha rizzest of us, dizzy ta yo', let’s say...

JIZNANE: Natural gizzle?

JAKE: Hizzle? Keep'n it gangsta dogg.

JIZNANE: But you know T-H-to-tha-izzat I hizzave always wanted what’s biznest fo` you, right?

JIZNANE: And I am ready to G-to-tha-izzive that ta yiznou.

JAKE: I started yo shit and i'll end yo' shit. Ta gizzive me wizzy?

JANE: Tha best, Jizzake. Tha very bizzay.

Jizzle be quiet a moment, n Jane can hiznear tha rusty giznears turn'n 'n his head. Hollaz to the East Side.

JANE: You should stop by ta siznee me this even'n!

JAKE: Do you M-to-tha-izzean mah even'n or yiznours, chill yo? Wizzle in different time zizzles rizzay now and i dare say that tha sun jizzust wizzent down H-to-tha-izzere so if you wantizzle ta hizzay a soiree on mah tizzy youve misze' yo' C-H-to-tha-izzance.

Jane feels fake smile mobbin' so hiznard that it was beginn'n ta hurt. Oh yizzy, shizzle loved thiznis dawg 'n basically every category that you could possibly love a pizzle, but sometimes weed-smokin' ta him is like bustin' ta build a hizouze of cizzle whiznile rid'n a mechizzle bull.

JANE: M-to-tha-izzine, of courze! I’ll have tha best Y-to-tha-izzear of yo' favorite crocodizzle scotch flown 'n from tha Consort Kingdom n wizze’ll have a shawty catch-izzle.

Jake actually hatizzles scotch, n only drinks it fo` appearance’s sizzle. But fo` dis—fo` dis unbelievably pivotal moment 'n tha histizzle of tha planet that they created wit they bare hizzle be will'n ta spiznend a few thousizzle boonbucks ta W-to-tha-izzatch pretend ta sip at tha same glass fo` a couple of hizzle whizzay prattl'n on.

N she’s bustin' ta do more thizzle that, too ridin' in mah double R.

JANE: Wizzy tha last time we’ve diznone T-H-to-tha-izzat, jizzay yizzy n I ya feelin' me?

JAKE: Yizzy know whizzat? Yiznoure quite right. Its bizzeen a spell sizzince weve mizzy up witout dirk.

JAKE like a tru playa': An unforgivably long one at T-H-to-tha-izzat, betta check yo self! Whizzle me up a hustla jane ill be over promptly fo all my homies in the pen!

JIZNANE: A... kizzle? Listen to how a fucker flow shit.

Shizne consida asking if he intended ta request thizzay shizne literallizzle prepare a fizzy fo` his arrival. Bizzy of courze, Jake has alreadizzle hung up.

Witta heavy n somewhat regretful sigh, Jane sets ha phiznone down on tha desk so show some love! Well, she thinks, that’s that. Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. Time ta wiznork yo' magic, Crocka dogg.

> ==>

#Gizoogle #Homestuck #Epilogues #Meat #m10

2 notes · View notes