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sl-walker · 28 days

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The First Grader

CW for discussing the rape of children.

I've spent the past four years doing a lot of taking stock of myself and my life. It's not as easy when your brain has been swiss-cheesed by trauma and mental illness, leaving years-long gaps in your memory, but I've been doing it anyway. And I think I've come a hell of a long way, considering where I once was.

I was sitting with my assistant manager today out at lunch and we were talking; both of us have lived a parallel course to one another in some ways. Both of us were raped when we were single-digit children; both of us turned to storytelling to get us through our childhood and teenage years something like sane. And both of us were the kinds of lost, soulsick children who tried to bargain and beg and bribe people to be our friends.

There's a godawful kind of loneliness in that. And the scars it leaves are deep. Even when I've overcome a hell of a lot of my issues, and am working on more, that lonely first grader I was then still lives somewhere in me. I was telling him about it today and almost started crying in the Bob Evans.

I remember being that keenly. I have lost so many good memories, but I remember being this devastatingly heartsick little first grader, standing with a teacher, asking people to be my friend. And oh, do I remember the suffering that followed. And followed. And followed.

The upshot is that I'm aware that the sad little girl in me still wants to beg people for friendship. Or even to just care the bare minimum amount. For a long time, even very recently, I hated that kid. Yeah, she was me, but she was pathetic and no one wanted to hear that shit. No one cared. They didn't care in first grade, they probably mostly don't care now.

I'd like to pretend that I believe otherwise, but you know what?

I don't.

The difference is that I'm not a broken first grader anymore. The difference is that I'm learning how to stop giving a fuck back, in leaps and bounds. And I'd like to say that I'm sad to be doing so, but I'm not.

You should wanna be my friend. I'm loyal, I'm honest, I'm willing to give you the actual shirt off my back (and have) or hide a body for you (I haven't yet but could); I love my friends in a deep and committed and lifelong kinda way. The ones I have, the ones I know love me, don't have to really do much to keep me. Some of them I don't talk to for months at a time, but one thing I sure as hell never stopped feeling from them was like I meant something besides whatever can be gained from me.

You should wanna be. But if not, that's fine. That's honestly your loss. If you do wanna be, hold up your end. Give a fuck. Stop looking at the reflection of that sad little first grader and wondering what else you can get out of her with minimal or less effort. It's really as simple as that.

I'm an account manager over a major high dollar contract with twenty-seven employees I'm in charge of and responsible for. I'm a university student majoring in Fine Arts. I'm a wife and a mother and a storyteller. I'm an artist and an archivist. And I'm done hating that little girl crying for her loneliness. It's about time I protect her, instead.

Hold your end up or hit the fucking bricks. Or I'll make sure you hit them.

#not aimed at anyone in specific #just in general #this isn't the only spring cleaning i think i'm gonna do #but it's a good start

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mushiewrites · 2 years

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Mr. Kitzel

I got a very mean concept idea based off of this post from @cayjuno. I decided to put my own twist on it, so hopefully you all like it! (This is definitely NOT aimed at anyone specifically cough cough)

Dream, George and Sapnap come across a rather interesting find at the store, intrigued by the name of it. Dream puts it back, flustered and not wanting to look at it any longer, but George and Sapnap throw it back into their basket, forming a plan on what to use it for (or who to use it on) in their heads.

(lee!Dream / ler!George / ler!Sapnap : 2.6k words)

Dream didn’t understand why George and Sapnap had to drag him along to the store. He had just started to get into the new show he had been waiting to see on Netflix when the two barged into his room, practically dragging the blonde out of the house as he protested the whole way to the car.

He now found himself aimlessly walking through the aisles of the miscellaneous store, mindlessly looking up and down all the shelves as something to do while Sapnap and George trailed ahead, talking between them about what they needed to make sure to grab. They had all turned down an aisle that contained self care items, including brushes, skin care, body lotion - those kinds of things.

Dream was barely focusing on anything at this point, but suddenly something caught his eye. It was a back scratcher, something he had seen a million times before. But weirdly enough, it seemed to have a label with another language on it. He reached down and pulled the package from where it was dangling, bringing it closer to him to see if it was all in a different language.

“Mr. Kitzel?” Dream practically jumped at the sudden voice coming from behind him, closer to his ear than he had anticipated. He turned his head to the side and met the dark brown eyes of George, who was smiling with his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Yeah, I’m not sure? I was trying to figure out what language this was more than anything.” George hummed in acknowledgment as Sapnap made his way over, taking the backscratcher from Dream’s hands and glancing over the words.

“I think it might be german? Hold on,” Sapnap reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, unlocking it and bringing up his translation app. He let out a chuckle when he read what it meant, turning his phone slightly to show George which made him turn slightly red with a nervous giggle. Dream was now the only one confused, and he was now rocking back and forth on his heels as he anxiously waited to see what was causing them to react like that.

“What is it? What does it mean?” Dream sounded a little annoyed, but he couldn’t help it! He was getting nervous, and he wasn’t exactly sure why. Probably because of the smirks George and Sapnap shared as they looked at Dream, the smaller of the boys shrugging his shoulders and handing Dream his phone. The blonde boy nearly choked, fumbling to give Sapnap his phone back when he read the translation on the screen.

Tickle. The translation was tickle. The backscratcher was literally called “Mr. Tickle”.

“What a funny coincidence!” George began, leaning closer to Dream and causing him to take a step back with a nervous giggle. “We know someone with a very ticklish back. Don’t we, Sapnap?”

“I think we do, George!” Sapnap agreed, also taking a step towards Dream with a teasy tone in his voice. He laughed as he watched Dream turn impossibly red, clearly loving how much their words were impacting the taller boy. Dream rolled his eyes with a huff before snatching the backscratcher out of Sapnaps hands to put back on the shelf.

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Let’s just get the stuff and go, I wanna go back to watching my show and ignoring you idiots.” Dream hung the backscratcher back on the shelf before turning quickly on his heels, walking away from the flustering situation. George and Sapnap giggled to themselves as the oldest boy grabbed the backscratcher again, throwing it into the basket and hiding it under the items they had already grabbed. They then followed quickly behind Dream, silently planning on ways they can use their brand new purchase.

After returning home, Dream placed the bags he was carrying in on the kitchen table before turning to walk back up the steps to his room. He heard quick footsteps behind him and he turned around, just narrowly avoiding Sapnap from lunging at him.

“What are you doing you idiot?!” Dream yelled out, giggling as Sapnap held up his fists and punched at Dream’s biceps. George walked over to them, giggling and rolling his eyes at Sapnap’s childish playing.

“Just hang out with us, Dream! You’ve been in your room all morning!” Sapnap whined out, slumping his shoulders and throwing his arms around Dream dramatically, pulling him into a tight hug.

“You’ll live,” Dream used both arms to finally pry Sapnap off and away from his body, George gripping onto the younger boy’s arms to hold him back from tackling Dream again. “I promise I only have a few more episodes and then I’m done! If you guys are streaming later when I’m done I’ll pop in then.”

Sapnap was about to protest when George elbowed him in the ribs, making him yelp and turn his head to meet his gaze. Dream watched in confusion as they seemingly were communicating, Sapnap suddenly smirking and staying quiet as he finally turned back to Dream to give him a thumbs up.

“I might stream later, so that sounds good. Just message me when you’re done.” George said nonchalantly, turning to walk back into the kitchen to unpack the bags. Sapnap gave him one last smirk before turning and following behind George to help. Dream felt a slight shiver down his spine but pushed it out of his mind, blaming the stupid “Mr. Kitzel” for being so on-edge. He made his way up the steps and a few minutes later was settled on his bed, laying on his stomach with his laptop in front of him while he was completely engrossed in the show. So engrossed, it would seem, that he unfortunately didn’t hear his door slowly opening or the footsteps of the two boys who quietly made their way over to Dream.

Dream let out a shriek at the sudden weight landing on the back of his thighs, feeling his heart rate increase as he jolted, almost knocking his laptop to the floor. He turned as best he could to see George straddling his upper thighs, smirking down at him with mischief in his eyes. Dream turned back around quickly, screeching again as he was met with two hazel eyes very close to his face.

“What the fuck?!” Dream began trying to buck up in an attempt to knock George off of him, but George just reached forward and gave his sides two quick squeezes as a warning. Dream yelped, burying his head in the blankets below him to stop a laugh from escaping. It was silent for a moment until heard the rustling of a bag from above him, making him lift his head slightly to see what was going on.

“Dream, you remember your good friend Mr. Kitzel, don’t you?” He suddenly felt his blood run cold as Sapnap held up the backscratcher from the store, now free from its packaging, and free for the two to use it however they wanted. His thrashing picked up, protesting between the nervous giggles that were now pouring out of him.

“It looks like he remembers.” George teased from above him, bringing his attention back to the hands that were still gripped onto his sides. Dream stilled, hoping that if he’s able to act unbothered maybe they would leave him alone. He was sadly mistaken, throwing himself into fight or flight mode as he felt his shirt being lifted up above his shoulder blades, exposing the freckly pale skin of his back to the cold air.

“Nohohoho no George plehehease! Plehease don’t!” Dream began to plead, not knowing what else to do besides kick his legs as hard as he could, hoping to catch George off guard and make him lose his balance. But while Dream was distracted with trying to knock George off of him, he suddenly felt a strong pull at both of his arms, causing his chin to drop against the bed as his arms were stretched above him. He was truly trapped now, barely able to move side to side at how stretched out he seemed to be.

“Why are you saying ‘please’? Are you asking to get more acquainted with Mr. Tickle?” George teased, leaning down to speak directly into Dream’s ear, making him rub it against his arm with a giggle to relieve the tingles he felt from the vibration of George’s voice.

“Nohoho! Fuck OFF!” he tried his best to sound aggressive, but it was pretty hard to pull off between all the high pitched squeaks and nervous giggles that he couldn’t seem to swallow.

“That’s ‘Mr. Kitzel’, George! At least treat our new friend with some respect and say his name in his native language!” Sapnap gasped in fake offense, making George fall into cackles at the ridiculousness of the entire situation.

“You’re right, thank you Sapnap!” Dream felt George lean back, settling into his place on his thighs as he began dragging the backscratcher down his spine slowly, causing Dream to scream out before falling into louder laughter, kicking his feet every few seconds to try and get the tickly energy out.

“Plehehehease don’t!” Dream was almost in stitches already as George continued to drag the backscratcher up and down his back, paying attention to the way he jolted whenever George ran it over his shoulder blades and his lower back.

“Oh c’mon Dream, show a little respect to our friend! He’s just saying hello!” Sapnap chuckled from above him. But Dream wasn’t looking up. His face was buried into the blankets below him, cackling as he tried to focus on anything but the tickly feeling along his back. Sapnap and George had known how ticklish his back was, and they were fully taking advantage of this. Dream was plotting his revenge, thinking about all the other boy’s bad spots when he suddenly jerked to the side, shrieking as he felt the backscratcher trace over the right side along the back of his ribs.

“Ohoho, what have we found here, Dream? Did Mr. Kitzel find something good? A very ticklish spot, perhaps?” he heard the oldest boy giggle as he continued to drag the claw over and over and over, up and down the back of his ribs, not stopping even as Dream thrashed more violently, yanking at his arms and kicking his feet against the pillows.

“FUHUHUCK YOHOHU GUHUHYS!” Dream could feel tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, lifting his head up to plead with Sapnap, giving him his best puppy eyed look - well, the best he could while being tickled to death.

“Tickle tickle tickle, Dreamie,” the blonde squealed at that, trying to bury his face further into the blankets at the flustering teases Sapnap was whispering dangerously close to his ears. “Or should I be saying kitzel kitzel kitzel?”

Dream didn’t know why but that flustered him just as much as the english word, and he continued to laugh hysterically as George switched to dragging the backscratcher all over the back of his ribs on his left side. Dream was laughing so hard he let out a long wheeze, gasping for breaths between his cackles as he continued to kick his legs as much as he could. He was so frantic now that George almost lost his balance, having to grab onto Dream’s waist to keep his place on his thighs.

“Okay okahay Dreamlee, we’re almost done. We know how ticklish you are on your back, so we won’t go overboard,” he plopped his face back into the blanket, still giggling as George rubbed over his back with both his hands, helping him calm down. “We just wanna do one more spot, is that okay?”

Dream felt his face heat up even more, no doubt that his ears were also bright red at this point. He let out a tiny, high pitched squeak before nodding his head slightly. George let out a puff of air through his nose, smirking and shaking his head slightly at how adorable Dream was when he was completely flustered. Sapnap switched from holding onto Dream’s wrists to holding his hands, running his thumbs along the back of Dream’s hands to help ground him as well.

“Alright you little giggle bug, are you ready for the finale?” Dream let out another whine at that, nodding again before freezing up as he felt the claw placed between his shoulder blades. He bit his lips, his eyes wide even as he continued to hide his face against the blankets. He knew he wouldn’t be able to last - he knew that they knew it was one of the most sensitive spots on his body.

George turned the scratcher sideways, dragging it up and over each shoulder blade. Dream was howling, kicking pathetically and squeezing Sapnap’s hands tightly, not knowing what to do with himself. All he knew was that it tickled, and it tickled so much, and tickled so bad. He heard George and Sapnap giggling as he continued to laugh hysterically under them.

“Jesus Dream, I’ve never seen someone so ticklish on their upper back before.” Sapnap let out another giggle, watching goosebumps form along the pale skin as George dragged the metal claw above his shoulder blades, just below the nape of Dreams neck. They watched as the bumps sprouted along the bigger boys back and down his arms, cooing about how adorable and ticklish he was.

“STOHOHOP I CAHAHAN’T HELP IHIHIT!” Dream could feel the tears on his cheeks at this point, completely lost in how ticklish this backscratcher felt against his back. He melted into the blankets, going limp and giving up completely to the tickly feeling that was quickly spreading all over his back. “P-PLEHEHEASE PLEASE STOHOHOP I CAHAHAHAN’T!”

George and Sapnap shared a look before Sapnap gently loosened his grips on his hands, again beginning the rub the backs of them with his thumbs while George put “Mr. Kitzel” down on the bed, beginning to massage the ghost tickles from Dream’s back.

“You doin okay down there, ticklish?” Sapnap asked after a few minutes, Dream letting out a little whine at the nickname he chose for him.

“T-Thahat was cruehehehel.” He finally managed to get out between breaths, finally calming down and taking big gulps of air to regulate his breathing. George slipped off his thighs and plopped next to him on the bed, holding the backscratcher in his hands and watched as Dream finally sat up with a groan. Sapnap and George giggled quietly at how messed up Dream’s hair was, curls flying in every direction.

“We’re sorry, Dreamie, you know we had to,” George chuckled from next to him, reaching his hand to rub a stray tear from Dream’s cheek. “We knew someone as ticklish as you needed to meet Mr. Kitzel.”

“Yeah? Well, ‘Mr. Kitzel’ is going to meet the dumpster after this so he can’t torture anyone else.” Dream quickly snatched the backscratcher from George’s hands and sprinted from the room before they could register what the blonde boy was doing, scrambling to their feet to follow after Dream.

Dream wound up hiding Mr. Kitzel from them, and wouldn’t give up the hiding spot no matter how much they annoyed (and tortured) him. George and Sapnap eventually gave up, huffing about how he ruined the fun for them.

And if George and Sapnap had bought three more “Mr. Kitzel”’s in preparation for a situation like this, well, Dream would find out soon enough.

#lee!Dream #ler!george #ler!sapnap #I actually love this?#again #totttttallly not aimed at anyone specific #definitely not aimed at someone whose name starts with J #and ends with uno #im too nice to bully anyone 😇#unlike somEONE #anyways #pls enjoy!#mushie fics #mcyt tickle #my stuff #thank u emma for proof reading sort of #and watching me correct my mistakes in real time

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