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#not alone

Interlude: No More Drama Masterlist

Word count: 5,432

Warnings: Graphic description of violence, mentions of rape, language

Part 11 | Not Alone

“One step, one step, one step each. Closer, closer, closer to the place that appeared in my dream that looks like me, can you feel not alone?”


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Some days it’s a constant internal shake.

Some days it hides & doesn’t come out to play til I’m feeling good, killing the day & seemingly happy.

Some days it keeps me from seeing the good, even when it’s right in front of my face.

Some days it doesn’t make an appearance, those are the worst because it chooses to haunt my slumber.

Some nights I lie in bed staring at the wall, my insides trembling as I try & catch my breath.

Some nights I fall asleep no problem, those are the worst nights because it chooses to wake me abruptly in a panic, sweating, not able to breath..then the staring at the wall and trembling begins.

But alas,

Tomorrow’s a new day..& when it chooses to crash my party, I’ll welcome it like an old friend. We don’t have to get along, we just have to co-exist.

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what is it like to never shut off. to not have this constant screaming narrative that never lets up. i’m so fucking exhausted having this brain.

it’s like the worst part of a day is waking up but then you dread going to sleep cause it’s so difficult and takes hours cause you can’t deal with the silence before.

or the nightmares ffs, they’re a harrowing insight into the subconscious. do people really have nice dreams??

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I’m so tired about this life, this f***in quarantine. I’m just wanna talk to you, share our day’s going, our dreams and be happy together. Even we so far from each other — it’s really OK. We can solve our problems together. T O G E T H E R.

I hope we can find each other.

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I hate hate HATE when a fellow friend/blogger of mine gets his/her ED site taken down. It is NOT our fault that we have this disorder. We need a platform to express ourselves and to feel that we are not struggling alone!

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Ich müsste nur raus gehen aber Sie liegt neben mir. Ich könnte ihr sagen, dass mir eine Zigarette aus der Hand gefallen ist oder so.. aber die Hemmschwelle ist zu groß, wenn Sie bei mir ist und Sie mir nicht das Gefühl gibt es sei gerade richtig.

Ich habe Druck.

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