#not even just the experience of discovering your sexuality and feeling both the fear and pressure of coming out
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unable — Alexia Putellas x Reader
Warnings: mentions of past sexual abuse (not getting into detail of how that happened) and what it leads to for reader, therefore mentions of anxiety, fear to be touched, etc.
Word count: around 770
Summary: Second part of discovering true love. Alexia and reader get into a relationship together, and reader have the need to tell Alexia about her past. Alexia comforting reader.
A/N: I've already warned about these sensitive topics above, so please only read if you feel like you can.
After your conversation last week, Alexia had been educating herself about how you felt, how to behave so she could help you, and what the procedures were in case you experienced a panic attack or anything related.
Sometimes she felt awful for desiring you.
Her eyes wandered throughout your body, but she stopped when she noticed her arousal grow.
You were also struggling with your desire for her.
Craving her sexually, but being too afraid of the idea of sex was driving you mad.
Alexia was sweet. Her voice tone was delicate, and her laugh was adorable.
You noticed the way she avoided touching you, just in case you felt uncomfortable, and honestly, you were grateful she was being so considerate about it.
You two kept having conversations about different topics, including your past, to get to know each other.
As you saw Alexia interacting with friends and family, you noticed how much physical contact she held with everyone she was close to.
Some weeks passed by, and your trust in Alexia kept growing.
She didn't insist on you doing anything to or with her. There were no stolen kisses. No waist-grabbing. No second intentions.
Your girlfriend was respecting your boundaries, and for the first time in a really long time, you felt like you were being respected.
When Alexia was kissing you, her hands stayed on her waist.
It would probably look weird to someone who was not familiar with such a sensitive topic, but you appreciated Alexia's consideration, even if you knew she was craving some physical contact from you.
It wasn't until the third month of your relationship that you felt the desire to be touched while you were kissing.
The thought of it interrupted your make-out session, and you abruptly broke the kiss.
“There's nothing wrong, Ale. It's just... I want you to caress my waist, my hair, my cheek, anywhere that's not sexually intimate, while we kiss. Is that okay?”
“It's okay for me. Are you sure, princesa?”
Her face showed a worried expression, making you melt.
“I'm sure.”
You looked at your girlfriend, as you held both of her hands.
You placed her left hand on your waist, slightly reacting to the contact.
Alexia looked at you worriedly, but you assured her that you were okay.
Actually, you were a little bit uncomfortable.
Her hand stayed still, but the feeling of being touched grossed you out.
You didn't know how to explain what you were feeling.
Craving Alexia's touch, the desire to feel her hands throughout your body.
Feeling as if you wanted to throw up, your body unable to be relaxed.
Alexia noticed how your breathing increased, and she abruptly removed her hand.
“Talk to me, princesa. I need to be aware of what you're feeling so you're as comfortable as possible.”
Your shame only grew faster. Alexia was so caring and supportive of you, that you couldn't bear feeling so disgusted by her touch.
“I'm so sorry, Ale.”
She didn't understand what you meant, reassuring you that there was no rush in your process.
“No, I'm not referring to that. I feel like such a horrible person because you're trying to be as good as possible, and I can't do anything but feel disgusted. I feel like a failure. As if that person broke me when they did that to me. I'm so sorry you cannot experience a normal relationship, but—”
Alexia stood up. She wanted to get your attention as you were rambling, but she knew touching you was not an option.
“Listen to me. I love you, and I'll wait for you. I know that you feel disgusted, even when our arms are touching by accident. At first, it was hard. I'm not going to lie. But knowing that it is a common trauma response, I do not take it seriously. You're not broken, nor are you a failure. You're someone who is not only so strong, but who deserves time to heal. So again, I love you and I do not regret being your girlfriend. It's true that I'm sexually attracted to you, but that's not the only reason I love you. You're funny, caring, and intelligent. You have a great ability to memorize things; we share the same favorite book and the same love for football. I could spend hours talking with you about anything, and you know that I'm not a talkative person.”
You were left speechless by Alexia. You noticed how red her face was—not out of anger but carried by pure emotion.
You held her right hand and kissed it, unable to contain how moved you were by her words.
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Hello!! I was just wondering if you knew of any fics similar to In Love We Rise by AJ_Constantine, like in the sense that they're slowly exploring and figuring each other out, like eventually progressing up to kissing and then, y'know, but in a fluffy kind of way? Im not sure if that makes any sense tho but thank you anyway! (P.s. i love this blog so much, you people are actually amazing at this! I hope you all have a lovely day/night :])
Hi! You might be interested in our #developing relationship tag for fics along these lines. Here are some more for you...
Love and Lust in Mesopotamia by The_Bentley (E)
Living among humans means sampling their activities, including the sexual ones. There's only one problem. Crawly isn't interested in women, but he is in Aziraphale, who is attracted to him in return. If Crawly agrees, Aziraphale would like to show him that physical affection can exist between two beings who are presenting as the same gender.
It's Getting Hard, This Holding Back by ZehWulf (T)
6,000-odd years is a long time to evolve a romantic relationship, but as a near-immortal being, Crowley had patience. True, they had lost momentum right around reaching the Speaking Looks and Meaningful Gestures stage, but at the time Crowley had been more or less content to let things idle.
Now, he was determined to shift things back into gear, and that gear was Explicitly Romantic Physical Expressions of Affection.
Resonance by Macx (T)
They had been friends for six millennia. They had been on their side. There had only been their side. Of course, they had never known it until it was all supposed to end. They had stood against their respective sides, had been hurt, had suffered, had felt desperation, fear and terror.
Now it was suddenly over and both Crowley and Aziraphale have to deal with the consequences.
Not just those of Up Yours and Down There.
They have come a long way at a very slow pace. They have come so much further in just within day. And they were still going incredibly fast, changing, evolving, becoming something that might be part of the Ineffable Plan...
The professor, the old crush, the new love by AccroV (E)
Aziraphale Fell is an english literature professor who freaks out when he discovers that his new colleague is his ex best-friend and crush from high school : the one and only Anthony Crowley. They didn't talk for years after one night in high school. What can happen now ?
An AU with : high school memories, awkward flirting and lot of good feelings
Chemistry by Twilightcitysky (E)
Aziraphale and Crowley have been living among humans for 6000 years, but there have always been parts of the human experience they've chosen to avoid (like allergies, head colds, and having to use the loo).
They've also never let hormones get in the way of making rational decisions, because they didn't have any hormones to speak of.
That's all about to change.
Introduction to Touch by sheendav (E)
Aziraphale and Crowley survive the Not-Pocalypse and profess their love for one another, but Aziraphale has tremendous anxiety about pursuing a physical relationship with Crowley. He genuinely wishes to move forward, but past fears surrounding touch, intimacy and body image are prohibiting him from acting on what his heart (and corporation) really want. Crowley is ready to go as slowly and carefully as needed to be there for his Angel as they pursue their new "Arrangement" step by careful, sweet step.
And the one you mentioned...
In Love We Rise by AJ_Constantine (E)
Ever since the thwarted apocalypse, Aziraphale and Crowley have gradually expanded the boundaries of their relationship. Aziraphale has delighted in slow progression of lingering touches, tender embraces and chaste kisses.
He enjoys the demon's company more than ever, but one evening he finds himself in an odd sort of mood, nettlesome and heartsore, and declines Crowley's offer to take him out to dinner. He figures that once he has a good sulk in the privacy of his bookshop, he'll get over it.
Crowley decides that won't do, and drags the recalcitrant angel out on a mysterious mission, which ends up taking them on a path that neither of them expects it to.
- Mod D
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© byizoyas
NSFW | spicy hcs what’s their biggest kink with xiao, dottore, childe
CONTENT WARNING!! : explicit sex scenes, implied suffocating in dottore’s (rlly quick and not detailed at all), detailed description of physical hurt. dacryphilia (the idea of getting sexually aroused by seeing someone in tears)
part II
XIAO
› size kink
› so the two of you didn’t have sex a lot, but it was always soft, and if you were honest with yourself, you never would’ve thought xiao was that much of a vanilla guy
› so when you slept together again after a long time being away from each other, you got surprised to see him this aroused
⸻
‘i’ve missed you’ xiao said against your skin.
you had just spent so much time away from each other that your bodies simply felt the need to feel each other again, finding their way alone.
xiao’s lips were already down on your tits, licking and biting then to stimulate you, which worked well. you caressed yourself.
‘eager are you ?’ he said before kissing your lips again. he slipped his tongue inside your mouth, both your saliva mixing together while the kiss was getting more and more sexual.
you pushed xiao on the sofa behind him, crawling over him to lead.
he had taken off his boxers already, offering you the access to his erection. he was super hard already from just a few kisses. hot kisses, true, but still; so you couldn’t help but to use his own words against him.
‘eager, are we ?’ you said, before kissing his neck. alternating between soft kisses and sucking on his skin to let your mark.
the words made him giggle a bit. ‘perhaps.’ he only replied.
he stimulated himself by masturbating his own cock alone before you finally let him fuck you.
it was too much for him, who kept on thrusting in and out of you, enjoying the various physical reactions you couldn’t control such as your heavy breathing or the soft means you let out from time to time.
he loved to contemplate them all.
‘your big cock is hurting me’ you whined, which made him stop immediately, in fear you weren’t spending a good moment.
‘should i stop love ?’ he gently asked, caressing your hair back and dropping a few kisses on your chest.
‘don’t. it’s so good to feel you inside of me.’ you reassured him.
‘but you’re so tight y/n’
your bodies had been away for a while and of course you had not slept with anyone else during that time so your body had to get used to xiao again.
the man wasn’t that big, yet it was hard to take it today. after you moaned how large he was, you noticed how his body language spoke for him. his skin was burning and he seemed even more eager to fuck you raw and dirty.
that man who was vanilla when you left him, was turned on when seeing how big he was. too big.
so you decided to play with it. if xiao was liking it, then you had the urge to please the man you loved.
‘you’re so fucking big xiao. fill me please. fill me with your huge cock ngh’
he didn’t make you wait long before speeding the pace of his thrusts. his balls clapping against your asscheeks as one of the various sex sounds we could hear in the room at this moment.
‘ngh~ xiao, fuck me harder’
your words were arousing him so much he had difficulty controlling himself and threw yourself on your back, before quickly coming back inside of you, fucking you all night long.
waiting until now to discover one of xiao’s kinks had been super worthy because he was now letting it all out as if he was hiding his size kink before, and it ended up with the two of you experimenting lots of things together.
DOTTORE
› dacryphilia
› the two of you never really talked about that sort of stuff before. since dottore wasn’t much of a sexual attracted person, you didn’t feel like talking about kinks already
› so when he ended up being the one to bring up the subject on the table, you were surprised and wanting him even more
⸻
the initiation of dottore’s kink was so formal that it kinda surprised you.
you didn’t have sex a lot since it wasn’t much dottore’s thing. and when he admitted to have felt a huge sexual attraction to you when you cried into his arms, you didn’t really know what to feel.
you’ve never heard about it before and you have had several hookups. but you truly loved dottore. and you liked to believe he loved you too even though he wasn’t the most affective person in your life. which is why you agreed to his idea.
‘shall we ?’ he asked before doing anything and you nodded yes.
you were laying on your stomach and your whole body was attached on the four corners of the bed, making your naked body, dottore’s exclusive property.
‘should i hurt you physically ? or mentally ?’ he asked. of course you had to cry real tears for it to work. and you didn’t know how to let out fake ones anyway.
you took a few minutes to yourself to think. dottore was planting kisses along your right leg, waiting for an answer, but not pressing you to obtain one.
you were both free tonight and had all the time you needed for this sexual experiment.
‘physically.’ you said.
you were too emotionally attached to dottore to handle who knows which words he would say to you to make you cry.
‘fine.’ he said, getting up and letting go of your leg.
he started softly, biting several placed on your body. his sharp teeth were hurting and you would have a mark for sure. it did hurt but it was still easy to handle so of course he had to get meaner.
he got up again, detaching his belt and revealing a semi hard cock through his underwear. he took the belt, enveloping it around his right hand and hitting you several times.
‘are you okay ?’ he asked. he didn’t really know what he was doing. he, for sure, liked it. but he didn’t want to step off your limits and even though you had thought of a safe word to make sure it’d be okay, he wanted to make you feel loved.
‘yes’ you said very lowly, the several hits with his belt had hurt you enough for your eyes to start watering. so he kept on going, sometimes biting your sensitive spots, sometimes hitting you a bit harder, and the tears started to flow down your face.
dottore pulled your hair, to check your state, and his boner got even more intense after he had seen your face drowning in tears. you were crying, and it turned him on a lot. pulling your hair too, and the way your breath was irregular also helped him getting aroused.
your makeup was getting ruined, as the tears kept on falling down. it did hurt, but that expression on dottore’s face was good enough for you to like it too.
your mascara was probably all over your face by now, mixed with tears and sweat. ‘gorgeous. absolutely, stunning.’ dottore whispered caressing your face gently before spanking you once more, harder this time.
‘nghh’ at this point you couldn’t speak. you were just crying and moaning. you were a literal mess and he loved it.
dottore kept on spanking you, and he did it so much that your ass actually hurt already, and even though you couldn’t see it to confirm you were pretty sure it was burning red.
the mix of pleasure from dottore fingering you and pain from his slaps was so good. you actually never believed you’d be into that type of thing, but it actually turned you on too; and if you started it all only to satisfy your man, you were enjoying yourself, fucking yourself on his fingers.
‘what a good slut. look at you, being so fucking good and obedient for me.’ dottore said. his hot voice was echoing in your brain, and he was truly all you could think of at the moment.
‘i’ve said, physical hurt. not words.’ you found the strength to say, and screamed when at the same moment dottore pinched your ass so hard it actually hurt.
‘but you’re so fucking wet y/n. i think you like it.’
perhaps he was right. he was treating you like a literal object with no feelings right now, doing as he pleased as much on your body than on your mind, but deep down, you adored it.
it kept on going for a few fifteen minutes but dottore quickly reached orgasm. it was the first time he was experiencing such thing and he loved that it was with you. he loved you.
and that night, he finally said it. but you knew it wasn’t just the effect of his orgasm. he genuinely loved you, and how you were making him feel normal again.
CHILDE
› exhibitionism kink
› you’ve been in a relationship with childe for a moment and when the two of you had sex it has always been a bit ‘kinky’
› but you only discovered your boyfriend’s biggest kink when someone made the mistake of flirting with you in front of him
⸻
‘what will you order, miss ?’ the waiter asked.
a few minutes ago, he was flirting with you. too bad for him, even though he was late, your boyfriend arrived just when that man asked for your number.
not professional, childe thought.
perhaps that lack of professionalism genuinely disgusted him, who was so into work. or perhaps he simply despised to see his partner getting hit on by a nobody.
‘she’ll have the same as me.’ he replied for you, quickly giving him back the menu that was resting in front of you, with his free hand while the other was busy playing with your intimacy under the table.
‘understand sir.’ he said, taking away the two menus and walking away to the bar.
‘childe sto-’ you started saying but miserably failed in ending up your sentence when he slipped two of his fingers in your dripping cunt.
‘you’re wet already, it’s so gross.’ he whispered in your ear.
your eyes looked around the restaurant, trying to hold your breath and keep calm as childe’s fingers were still pressing down there.
he kept on moving his fingers in and out of you while his thumb played with your clit, stimulating you to the point where you felt like you could orgasm anytime soon.
your body shivered under his touch and just when you kept on looking around, your eyes stopped on the waiter whose eyes were glued on you.
he seemed to be taking a small break. after all it was late and not much clients were left.
you tried to focus on the music around you, but it was fucking shitty and childe’s touch felt so much better.
‘almost fucking my fingers in public, you seem to like it too.’ childe stopped whispering in your ear, instead looking in the same direction as you. ‘oh’ he had spotted his current ‘enemy’.
who would dare trying to steal his girl ? suddenly he got pissed off again, inserting a third digit inside of you who let out a much louder noise than you expected it to be, which seemed to amuse childe who let out a soft laugh.
‘go on, moan. show him the face you’re making when i’m touching you. show him what’s mine to see all nights.’
you’ve never seen childe so aroused before, and as talkative as he usually was, right now he seemed like he would never stop talking but you loved it that way.
you didn’t take your eyes off the man who seemed to have noticed that something was off.
you wrapped an arm around childe’s shoulders. he was sitting on your left. your brows pinched together as your face turned into an ecstatic expression. ‘i’m close’ you said the lower you could do that the few people around wouldn’t hear.
‘beg for me to make you cum, y/n.’ he said, a smile glued to his lips, that would never leave his annoying provocative face.
‘please, go faster, i need to cum. please childe.’ you begged just like he requested. usually you would’ve made him wait to have what he wanted, but the eye contact felt like it would never stop, and childe visibly needed him to learn his lesson.
knowing he would not stop until the boy got it, you decided to end up that plan of his.
feeling yourself close to cum, you closed your eyes. perhaps childe would be furious about it but you found it too awkward to reach the orgasm thanks to childe’s fingers while looking at another man.
‘ngh, right there don’t you stop~’
‘a-ah yes, oh ngh childe this is so good, don’t stop.’ you moaned his name again and again, reaching orgasm twice.
only when you opened your eyes did you notice that the waiter was right next to you, giving you two your plates.
‘um. salmon salad for the two of you.’ the poor boy kept on stuttering while announcing your food.
your eyes met his once more that night, but only a few seconds before he looked away, taking a few steps away from your table.
Childe finally took his hand off from under the table, and you adjusted your panties which were dripping now.
‘did he ?’ you felt too ashamed to finish your sentence, instead letting childe do it for you. ‘hear you reach orgasm ? i believe so.’
his mocking giggle just as he seized his fork annoyed the hell out of you. ‘you knew it.’ you said, eating a few pieces of your plate without looking back at the ginger whose eyes were full of playfulness.
‘that was super hot. thanks babe.’ he kissed your cheek gently as his voice got softer.
your cheeks were still burning in embarrassment, but you’d lie to yourself saying you didn’t like it, because the only idea of childe enjoying this was enough to turn you on again.
‘that won’t happen again.’
#byizoyas.#☾. . .smut#XIAO#DOTTORE#CHILDE#TARTAGLIA#xiao x y/n#xiao x reader#xiao x you#xiao smut#dottore x y/n#dottore x reader#dottore x you#dottore smut#tartaglia x reader#tartaglia x y/n#tartaglia x you#tartaglia smut#childe smut#childe x reader#childe x you#childe x y/n#genshin x y/n#genshin x reader#genshin x you#genshin smut#genshin impact smut
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happy ww! <3 if sam and dean don't get together until they are older, what do you think that looks like for them? how they come to realize their feelings, how they act on/address them, how they even begin to broach the subject with the other?
I have this view of late seasons sam and dean as incredibly settled and comfortable with themselves and each other in this regard, in a way that simply is not / was not possible when they were younger. Both because youth is tumultuous and learning to be okay with yourself takes time and experience, but also because your first apocalypse is a cataclysm, and your tenth is old hat.
Not only that, but through their various journeys together, particularly after s8 when we see them resolve their "infidelities" and commit to one other (in holy matrimony in that church), they have a level of trust in their bond that is different. It's tested in s9 with the lying/possession and then the attempt at distance following that, but reaffirmed from the s9 finale all through s10 with sam's willingness to damn the world (and die himself) for dean.
Which means that if they don't get together until they're "older", which I'm going to interpret here as late seasons or at least after s10, then i think it looks like a weirdly healthy and comfortable journey given that it's fraternal incest with enmeshed codependency and the fate of the world as collateral damage.
in their earlier years, there's this real fear of 'losing' each other, which comes in many forms but which includes the potential to do something so egregious as to alienate themselves from the other. this means that there is this possibility, real or imagined, that hangs over them, that if they admit or act on this (potentially unrequited because neither is testing if the other feels the same) attraction, they could damage their brotherhood. they have something huge to lose and feel a real potential to lose it. even if they trust the other won't abandon them over an attraction they didn't necessarily choose if it were to be discovered and unrequited -- and that trust itself is hard and fraught -- then it would still complicate and disgust and alienate, or so they would be likely to believe, at least in this mental scenario of them feeling attracted but not acting on it until they're older.
i suppose there are other scenarios, where they don't realize or experience that attraction yet, although that feels unlikelier to me, and it makes more sense to my mind that the attraction wouldn't suddenly manifest when they're older, but would be there the whole time, if latent and not even that important (because nothing is so important as their bond, and sexual and/or romantic attraction just isn't the most critical thing about how they feel toward each other).
but by a certain point, they've done so much worse to and for each other, and been through so much together and for each other, that worrying about this as if it's a huge dark evil secret would eventually start to feel almost childish. it would still enervate while hidden and unspoken, but it wouldn't feel like this damning thing in the same way, and i think would become an unspoken but obvious understanding between them.
meaning that by the time it slips from unspoken to spoken, it would be almost incidental or accidental, a quirk of 'oh we're acknowledging that now?' and a tension of 'are we sliding into that territory for real?'. It would still involve some potentially nervewracking navigating, but less on the "oh shit he knows oh fuck" side of exposure, and more on the "so what the fuck does this look like and is it worth it to explore knowing it could go wrong or is it better to keep things how we have them know, which is pretty damn good actually". It's a more mature and complex discussion, even if a silent and internal discussion, and a little less "throw overselves over this cliff and see what happens".
i like late season domestic era first time. i like to think that in a certain way, it feels like a foregone conclusion to them, and a bit like coming home, and a bit like "finally". <3
#happy wincest wednesday#i'm a week late answering this but shhh it's still a wednesday#wincest#domestic#married bros#look they are married after s8 i don't make the rules#it just might take them a little while to figure that out themselves#nothing wrong with that
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Do you have any oral/fingering tips me my and my gf wanna get nasty but we’re both virgins🫣
well my biggest word of advice is communication.
always try to have a conversation with them about things like that especially since you’re both virgins with little to no experience. sitting down and going through the things that you’re willing to try and things you aren’t so fond of can give you and them a clear view on what should be expected when the time comes. don’t try to overthink about it because realistically, you’re going to pleasure your girlfriend… they’ll guide you in what way their moans. pay attention to how their body moves and their words— if there’s a movement you make and they like it, keep doing that.
don’t feel ashamed if they tell you to move your head head a certain way or position you in a place that grants them more pleasure— it’s all a learning experience and knowing how to pleasure your partner is important. same thing for you, don’t feel fearful of telling them, “hey can you do this while blah blah.” because that gives them more of idea of what you’d like. ive heard some people complain talking before and during sex isn’t ‘sexy’ but it is! once you act on what may or may not be attractive per your girlfriend’s list is the fun part of discovering their body.
(any chance you get, start with foreplay. get each other stimulated and excited what’s to come next. make them feel comfortable and sexy.)
when starting off with oral, make sure to let your tongue explore, ask questions when doing things and watch her and how she reacts when your tongue bumps a certain part. if she arches her back and pushes her hips closer to your face, most likely the spot you’re at is a good spot.
pay attention to the clit! don’t be shy, mess with it. when women get head for some reason even though that’s literally a bundle of nerves, it’s not messed with… latch onto their clit and suck it, let the flat of your tongue roll against their folds.
and fingering is a whole different thing. again, foreplay is the best way to start!!! always have lubricant and start of with one finger. not everyone necessarily enjoys penetration and i can’t guarantee— if you’ve never done it yourself— that it will feel as gratifying as it may sound in fan fics but try to perform it on each other or maybe lay side by side, legs spread and just finger yourselves slowly, try to explore your walls and find places you think feel the best. try it on your partner and if in any way you feel like that it’s not for you, you don’t have to do it. there’s so many things you can do with each other that can give an amazing and loving sexual experience.
there’s not much limitation, it’s only boils down to communication, commitment and collaborative work. feed off your girlfriend’s pleasure and let her feed off yours.
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🗝️🏷️ CSA, SA, details about sexual functions, shame
To the person with the CSA ask from a few days ago; I wasn’t sure if you wanted it attached, I know sexuality can be a touchy subject for the public eye.
Not Remembering
Memories of sexual abuse are often hidden deeper down. There’s an air of secrecy and shame already heavy in many mainstream cultures, even with consensual sexual activity.
Some children have direct interactions that teach them to dissociate those events further, others learn just by their environment.
Similarly, instances of COCSA are treated as ‘lesser’ than CSA by adults, and may surface sooner than other types. Same goes for abuse unaffiliated with a group or beloved figure.
Symptomology
There is no one presentation of physical symptoms. Sexual disfunction is common overall, but it can be difficult to find specifics.
Oftentimes both extremes are possible— hyper sexuality and hypo sexuality, preoccupation with a trigger and avoidance of it, risky behavior and refusing all contact.
There are also some things that are frequently observed in survivors. Mixing up fear or pain with pleasure is normal. Worrying about predatory behaviors within yourself is normal. Lots of kinks stem from trauma, that’s normal.
Normal for CSA survivors is just different than normal for the general population.
Bad Enough
Any amount of maltreatment is enough for a person to develop these symptoms, and some will have them even if their experiences don’t align with what clinicians currently call trauma.
Symptoms can be programmed in. A particular event repeated or a staged occurrence could be used to create a desired response, and sometimes symptoms are noticed before memories come up.
It could go either way, and it’ll take time for both. You have the choice to wait for memories or to dig for them, to analyze what you find or leave it well alone.
Diving In
A good therapist is always recommended, but at least have backup plans in case things go awry. Internal and external supports, muscle-memory coping skills for when survival responses arise, comfort at the ready.
Take lots of breaks and do your best to notice distress inside. It’s quite alright to discover your memories paint a different picture. Be kind to yourself/selves, good internal relationships are more important than finding some absolute truth.
Stepping Back
It’s also not wrong to decide to close this door for now. Your safety should come first, and that might mean aiming for stability over answers.
Keep gentle track of symptoms and journal when it feels feasible. Take care of you, whatever that looks like. Maybe pick another goal to focus on for the time being.
I hope this helped, please reach out again if you still have questions.
#tw csa#tw cocsa#tw sa#tw child abuse#tw ramcoa#ramcoa#osddid#did osdd#dissociative identity disorder#polyfragmented system
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Current steddie theme + virgin/nerd Steve
Both "freak of Hawkins" Eddie and "freak in the sheets" darling working Stevie through his first time, helping him take eddie while giving angelface the best dick he can manage. All overwhelmed and teary-eyed from getting all the love in the world, and being totally overestimulated in the best way possible.
it's a comical, albeit disturbing sight for the god-fearing people of Hawkins. the freak of the town; demon-communing, blood-drinking, rock and roll Eddie Munson, and the resident slut of Hawkins; sexually promiscuous, scantily clad, rumoured homewrecker you. seeing you together is entertainment enough, but when you two start clinging to the big, beefy arms of local sweetheart and handsome king Steve Harrington, you immediately piss off all his fans and cause worry for all the people around him. he must be too nice and naïve to entertain the likes of you two, or maybe Eddie is threatening him, or maybe you're seducing him into hanging around you both--the town collectively has no idea that Steve likes you two, or that it was by his begging and whimpering alone for you and Eddie to help him lose his virginity that he started stealing away with you two in the night.
and don't you ever. poor, sweet Stevie has no idea he's going to experience the sexual awakening of a lifetime--the slow introduction he gets from you two is near painful for him, he keeps begging for more when he gets a taste and you guys seem to think he's just so breakable, so you're taking your time to ease him in. it's maddening. Eddie's long, thick fingers feel so good inside him, and your soft, flexing tongue on his cock wipes every thought clear from his mind like an eraser on a blackboard, and he just wants more, more, more.
it quickly becomes a game more than anything else. you and Eddie tease him endlessly, you know you're gonna get a reaction out of him so you pull all his strings and push all his buttons that you can discover. at first, you jokingly tell him you'll make love in front of him so he can see how it's done for real, and not just in magazines--but then Steve's pulling his dorky little notepad out and scribbling notes, and you two lose yourselves in it a little because fucking hell it feels even better to fuck each other's brains out when Stevie's watching and shifting those legs around to hide his erection. only after that do you start touching him, teasing him over his pants, groping his chest because it feels good, doesn't it, big boy? it's not just girls that can have their tits played with--Eddie's especially determined to show him it can feel good by laying Steve back and sucking on each nipple one at a time, moving between the two and tweaking the other when he's busy with one, those big, dusky eyes staring up at him so intensely that Steve can barely keep himself from rocking his hips up into him. and you're so sweet, easing him in by touching yourself for him, encouraging him to do the same, reminding him that he can do what feels good--you hold out your hands and let him hump the little space you make between, the tip bumping against your mouth and those little sorries he cries out disappearing when you lick him for the first time. over time, Stevie feels like he's being corrupted by you two--and he loves it.
because while you're both nasty, perverted, lewd, you're also such genuine, kind people with more than just one side to you. sure, you make him cum so hard he nearly blacks out--but when you're done, you clean him up and teach him about aftercare, you talk about consent and give him a safe word so he doesn't feel pressured. you smile at him and offer your ear when he needs help, because it's not just sex you're after, and it's not just sex that you're good for--you want companionship, love, and you're more apt to give it than receive it because you just want to give something you've never had much of. and Eddie might tug him around, spill dirty words in his ear while he fucks him, and make fun of him to no end--but when the moment is right he's sweet, he's gentle, and he's not scary in the least. his music is softer if Steve listens closely, the words hold more yearning than they do death or destruction or satanism. and when you aren't around, Eddie speaks so sweetly of you, like you're an angel descended from heaven and not the gross, lowlife slut that people think you are--and when Eddie looks back at him with that loving look in his eyes, Steve realizes that Eddie probably talks about him the same way, and if he wasn't already in love then he certainly would be now.
you're not at all like people whisper about you behind your backs--you take care of him, you love him, and you never make him feel like he's as naïve as people say he is for associating with you two. you both know what it's like to be told that you're worthless, that you're nothing but a bad influence, and an example for the people of Hawkins of what happens when you stray from god or indulge in desires outside the norm. and you would never pass that on to someone you love, and god, is Steve ever happy that he's that person.
#steve harrington#eddie munson#steddie x reader#eddie munson x reader#steve harrington x reader#steve x reader x eddie#virgin!steve harrington#spicy writing#ellie writes#anons
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What age is it considered "normal" to start feeling romantic and sexual attraction? I've been pretty confident in being aroace, but I can't shake the "oh, in a year or two you'll start feeling it too" thoughts, and they make me really uncomfortable. I feel really comfy and safe in my labels and the thought that I'm just not old enough to experience the attraction yet is honestly terrifying. I don't want to feel like I'm lying to myself and the people around me, but at the same time I absolutely do NOT want any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with anyone. (Not sure if AGAB and that stuff matters in this context but if it does I'm AFAB).
Also can people stop making me doubt myself (not directed at anybody who'll see this)? I came out to my mom and even though she was really supportive, she had to give the little speech about how you don't have to have it figured out, ever really, and that it'd still be totally okay if I come back in the future and discover I like boys, or girls, or whoever. Which is great, but I already knew that and I had taken like at least a week preparing and had spent the last hour steeling my nerves, I had my closest friend and the only one who knew I was doing this at the time on speed dial in case I panicked and couldn't do it, and I did not need to hear it's okay for me to be wrong. Or not wrong, I guess, but for that to change. I was really not mentally prepared to be reassured about THAT particular issue and it brings back the thoughts I mentioned in the last paragraph.
Anyone else have one of their worst fears being discovering that they're allo? Not that there's anything wrong with being allo, but I feel like so much of who I am is heavily influenced by my aroace-ness and if that's gone I'd feel lost and like I've completely lied about who I am.
That was late night rants with Raven, it's almost midnight though for me so I am going to go get some sleep. Thanks for listening!
So people vary a lot on when they first experience attraction. I think I read once that on average people start experience sexual attraction around their early teens/late preteens, but some people start experiencing it younger than that, and others don't experience it for the first time until they're older, sometimes as late as their early 20's. (the article didn't mention romantic attraction, but it can also start both very early or very late.)
The thing about it though is that there is no age where it's impossible for your orientation to change, and this is why I think it's really important to trust how you feel now. And trust that if your orientation/identity does ever change, you can cross that bridge when you get to it.
I think that anxiety of suddenly being allo is something a lot of ace and aro people deal with. But if someone has a real fear of losing the ace and aro labels then that's often a sign that those labels are currently the right one. If it does ever happen where it is right for someone to move on from ace/aro labels, it's actually usually a positive experience. So basically it feels wrong, because for you it is wrong.
The older you get, the less likely that also starts to become. It's never impossible but it is rarer to change orientations into adulthood.
It is a big problem that young people often aren't taken as seriously with their labels or told they'll change their minds. If it helps though, Anon, I know a lot of ace/aro people who started IDing that way as teens and even pre-teens and still use those labels now well into adulthood. Sometimes people do legitimately just know. So try and keep that in mind when people are being sceptical or telling you'll change your mind. That's just simply not always the case.
All the best, Anon! Take care.
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Have you ever considered that in your extreme desire to be into men you might actually be into men as well as women? Idk it’s not shameful or anything. A lot of women like men. A fair deal of em like women. Some even like both.
I am just some dude that saw this but I have never once in my storied life seen a lesbian hate being a lesbian so much while also running a blog that shows so much women-inclined imagery. You need to step away from the keyboard and figure yourself out because you’re the most confounded lesbian I’ve ever met.
I appreciate you taking the time to write this and reach out with advice, that was super kind of you! And I can see how you would have reached that conclusion.
But I’m pretty certain in my lesbianism. I wouldn’t have a problem if I discovered I was bisexual - but I’m like 100% certain that’s not going to happen.
In terms of my internalised homophobia, I just genuinely have a lot of trauma surrounding my sexuality and because of things that have happened to me from it I have been diagnosed with PTSD. So it’s hard sometimes when something that is my personhood is also something that’s triggering for me , because I can’t really remove myself from that situation. And seeing the lives that those straight people around me get to experience can make me feel very envious at times. Not to be too TMI but I feel like this is an important thing to say, after recently having sex for the first time I can say for sure I am extremely sexually attracted to women and would be sick at the thought of doing that with a man - not because I hate men but because I’m just not attracted to them. Me having a breakdown and mental health spiral after those events doesn’t really detract from that I don’t think, because it came from a place of internalised homophobia and PTSD.
And OCD can be really confusing for some people, so I don’t fault you at all if you didn’t understand what I meant by that. And I won’t go into super great detail because it might upset me, but essentially it involves me getting a lot of intrusive thoughts and doubts on things that hold no logic or value to my life and make me fear and question myself and doubt my own understanding of who I am. And I find that very distressing at times. So putting all that together I’m not SURPRISED I am having the reaction I am (especially given it’s this time of year too and it’s my most common time for ending up at a mental health inpatient program at hospitals).
So I’m definitely a lesbian. And there are times I do feel a lot of pride and self acceptance around it. And I enjoy sharing parts of our history and reading fiction about it and engaging with others like me. But there are also times where my mind is rather mean to me, and makes having those good feelings really hard and confusing.
In all honesty , and I truly mean no disrespect when I say this, I think these feelings are ones that might only make sense to other gay people, because it’s a very specific set of circumstances that leads us here. So it’s okay if you don’t understand it. But thank you again so much for popping in, I hope you have a nice day ☺️💫
#asks#anon#answered#I’m not angry or anything so I hope it didn’t come across that way#minors dni#minors dni please#tw ocd#tw internalised homophobia
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William Regal NSFW Alphabet Letters A-M (Mob Au)
A collaboration with @kayfabebabe! They did parts N-Z!! GO GO TO THEM NOW
A = Aftercare (What are they like after sex?)
The first time you two make love, William was baffled as you lay on top of him, kissing his chest and holding his hand as he rubbed your back. The few times he had sex before you were not this loving. They were rushed, they were meaningless. Yet you took your time, you were patient with him as he discovered how to please you. He simply wanted to fall asleep with you before quickly realizing what a mess he's made and offers to carry you to the bathroom to clean up. It becomes your routine from then on, unless you're both too tired, (or in a place where you just don't have time). Then back to bed you go, in each other's embrace, to kiss and hold each other until you fall asleep in each others arms.
B = Body part (Favourite part of their own or partner’s body)
No matter how many times you told him it, not even standing him in front of the mirror and kissed him up and down, he still struggled to understand your desire for him, you saying you love every part of him, least of all his hands. Hands that were scarred with knuckles that bruised far too easy, hands that have turned people onto broken shells of their former selves, hands that have have maimed. Yet here you were, his angel, kissing said hands, loving the roughness of them on your hips, gently softening them with lotion as you sat on his lap. They had to be good for something, if they could help you with your hair and feed you your favorite desert and bring you flowers and pleasure in the dark of night. Maybe his hands were salvageable after all.
Even less than his own body he'd never understand the shyness centered around your own. He couldn't pick a favorite part if tried, he was obsessed with your entire figure, your entire being. The delicate way your hands would touch him, treated him like he was made of glass instead of the venom and spite he was born from. Gorgeous arms that would wrap around him every time you caught sight of him after work. Gorgeous legs that ran to him when you were in need and wrapped around his waist when you didn't want him to leave in the morning. Hips like Aphrodite, breasts just as stunning, and as perverse as it sounded a behind so cute he couldn't keep his hands off of it when you were in bed.
C = Cum (Anything to do with cum)
William hates making a mess of things, especially you. The first time you gave him head (which almost knocked him out, by the way) he came all over your face because he wouldn't let you swallow (he thought it would be too gross) and he apologized for about an hour after he cleaned you up. Now the sight of his cum dripping down your chin could get him hard just as fast as the first time.
Bonus: You two rarely have sex without protection (he has an intense fear of getting you pregnant because he's scared he'd be a terrible father), but the times you've let him come in you without protection, well, the sight of his cum dripping out of you after he pulls out just has him gives him an indescribable feeling.
D = Dirty secret (Something that they’ve thought about, but never done.)
The thought of voyeurism feels sick and perverse to him. He'll never admit this, but he thinks about watching you touch yourself. The thought of sitting you between his legs and him whispering dirty words in your ears has gotten him to sleep on more than one occasion, if you catch my drift.
E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)
He's only ever been with a few girls before you sexually. They were all either Bischoff or Vince's girls he got mixed up with at parties. And only two of those times involved penetration. He let them take control, ride him like the Kentucky Derby, because he has absolutely no clue what to do until he meets you. The first night you two made love was the most nerve racking experience he ever had. You didn't come he first time but came close. He, unlike your previous partners who insisted they knew best, asked for you to show him how to please you after politely asking if you had actually come or not.
He sure as hell gets it right the second time.
Secretly he peruses magazine after magazine, book after book when you're not around on.. (*cough*) various subjects (along with exploring each other when you're together) because he can't stand watching porn. Once while you over his house you notice a copy of Cosmo sticking out from under the coffee table with sticky notes sticking out of it and didn't say a word.
F = Favorite position (This goes without saying)
Missionary Missionary Missionary. It's about being face to face with you, the intimacy, your nails on his back. But a close second is letting you ride him in bed because the sight of you on top with your hands against his chest is just magnificent to him.
G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous?)
Oh absolutely not this man is serious as hell until it's over. He's too focused on listening to what makes you cry out what makes you shift and buck against him. Jokes are saved for after the event.
H = Hickeys (Do they like them? More on their partner or themselves?)
Oh, baby, he loves them. Since Will's uniform is basically his suit the only part of his body that's uncovered are his neck and hands, which gives you free range to leave hickeys on him everywhere else. And I mean everywhere. You don't bruise as easy as he does in most places but in the areas that do he'll makes sure are well covered by whatever dress you wear on the stage. He's not as good at them as you are as you are yet , but he's managed. He adores them on him but gets more excited when he can leave them on you.
I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? The romantic aspect)
He's your every dream. Candles, silk sheets mood music, poetry and prose whispered in your ear as you take each other higher. Slow and sensual until you beg- and good gods does he love it when you beg- for more.
J = Jack off (Masturbation headcanon)
Oh poor baby. He didn't masturbate often, he didn't really have much time to think about sex between, you know, being one of Vince's hounds. As little sex as he had he would never consider himself pent up or frustrated... not until he met you. Since they day he laid eyes on you your every curve, and voice began to haunt his dreams almost every night. No magazine, no movie nothing could compare to the thoughts he had about you, as guilty as he felt. He feels like a Pervert for it to the point when you begin to date he literally apologies for it when you asked if he thought about you when you weren't around. Just because you tell him you feel the same way for him doesn't make him feel any less like scum. (It was an ego boost for sure though, don't get him wrong)
K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)
This man has a praise kink, 100%. When you're in the midst of it, against him, under him, telling him how good he's doing telling him how much you love it crying out his name it drives him wild. Knowing he's getting better at pleasing you and loving what he does to you has boosted his confidence tenfold as well.
L = Location (Favorite places to do the deed)
Definitely in either his or your bed or anywhere in each other's houses. Where he knows your two are safe and don't have to worry about being walked in on, where you can take your time with each other. Or having to muffle each other's moans of pleasure.
M = Motivation (What really turns them on?)
Literally, anything you do turns him on he's adorable that way. But it's something about your eyes, eyes he's learned to read like a book. Eyes that make him want to be your Atlas and lift the weight of the world off your shoulders. Especially when they're staring at him across the room at the club and looking towards the hallway to the dressing room...
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hi, im a teenage bi girl and i kinda feel like i dont fit in the community and im scared im faking my sexuality. Before i discovered i was bi i was spending a lot of time on twitter where being queer was seen as something cool and it kinda made it look like being queer is cooler than being straight so i wanted to be queer. so when i first discovered i was bi, i didnt feel bad about it or scared, i was rather excited and the only discomfort and hestitation was the fear that i was faking it to not be a "boring cishet". Rn im living in a very accepting environment, a huge lot of people at my school are openly queer so i dont usually feel like the "odd one out" or face explicit homophobia. And dont get me wrong, i couldnt be more glad that my life has been this much easier that other queers', but i still feel uncomfortable in my sexuality sometimes and i feel like i dont belong in the community but i just feel like the way my life has been so easy makes me not deserve to take up space in the community or talk about my queer experiences. I also constantly get tormented by the intrusive thoughts about not being really queer and just faking it for attention, even though i had a few genuine girl crushes in the past and im currently in a relationship with a girl. Im sorry this was such a chaotic ask but i needed to let it out and your blog feels like a non judgemental safe space
Oh sweetie,
I am so sorry you are going through these struggles but first of all I want you to know that what you are describing is something I have read a hundred, if not thousand times over the years on this blog, and I heard the same thing from people offline. It's a classic case of internalised biphobia that unfortunately a lot of bi people go through one way or another. As a general advice I have this post with some tips and tricks that you can try to "unlearn" these thoughts. Not everything might work for you but just try it and see what helps.
I can guarantee you that nobody just "fakes" their sexuality, especially not "for attention". Think of how much internal stress this is causing you right now. If you were really straight and "just faking it" then you could just stop, right? But the fact that you are so worried that you might not really be queer is in itself a very large hint that you really are queer. A cishet person wouldn't really worry - they are usually totally fine with their sexuality and gender being straight and cis.
Also someone who is straight and "faking it" would have had to make a conscious decision to lie about their sexuality if they wanted to pretend being queer. But what you describe sounds to me like you just realised that you are bi and "decided" to label yourself that way because it is the label that matches you - not because you want to pretend to be something you are not. Nobody brainwashes themselves into being queer because it's "cool". It's much more likely that you started finding queerness "cooler" than straightness because you related to it, because you saw yourself in it, because you are queer. Actually, why were you spending time on "queer twitter" in the first place? Probably because you were drawn to it because that's where you belong.
The "not feeling queer enough" problem is very common amongst bisexuals though because of how invisible we are and how we experience biphobia both from cishet society and from within the queer community sometimes.
And all of those things aside just re-read your own statements in the end, especially "even though i had a few genuine girl crushes in the past" and "im currently in a relationship with a girl".... honey? I'm sorry, but I struggle to find a heterosexual explanation for this. You had crushes on girls and you are literally dating a girl right now. How is that "not queer enough"??? And you know, even if you weren't dating a girl, even if you hadn't even had those crushes and all you knew was that you have the potential to be attracted to multiple genders - that would also be enough to call yourself bisexual. You do not have to prove anything. So please, take a deep breath, and know that you are allowed to call yourself bi and queer. You're not faking anything, you're just discovering yourself.
Maddie
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[ virginia gardner | cis female | she/her | twenty-five ] —— it’s just another typical week in hawkins i guess — isn’t that right, fallon jacobs? huh, guess they can’t hear me over west end girls by pet shop boys playing on their walkman, but it looks like they’re headed to work as a jazzercise instructor. did you know fallon has been in hawkins for one month? yeah, they’ve been described as a bit cynical, but i suppose them also being observant outweighs the negative. i’ve also heard people say they remind them of pink lipstick prints on envelopes, champagne toasts, a cactus flower blooming at night… however, that could just be this weeks newest rumor.
ii. STATS
full name: Fallon Elizabeth Jacobs
age: twenty five
birthday: september 4, 1962
zodiac: virgo
pronouns: she/her
sexuality: gay
hometown: rochester, new york
occupation: jazzercise intructor
height: 5’8
weight: 125lbs
eye color: green
hair color: blonde
meyers-briggs: infj
enneagram: 1
moral alignment: lawful neutral
character inspiration: alison dilaurentis (pretty little liars), blair waldorf (gossip girl), leighton (sex lives of college girls)
iii. BIO
fallon is the only child of mars jacobs and lilith jacobs who were both part of new york city's socialite scene. on the cusp of fallon's fifth birthday mars woke up to find lilith gone without a trace. mars filed a police report for his missing wife, but the case went cold after a few years of searching.
fallon grew up very close with her father, and, thanks to her very involved grandmother, unknowingly became a carbon copy of her mother. she did everything lilith did growing up, from competitive ballet to attending one of new york's most prestigious academys.
she constantly felt pressure to perform and fit into the mold set for her by her family. she was good at being what everyone else wanted her to be until she was fifteen and experienced her first crush on a girl. fortunately, her father knew she was gay even before she did and has been nothing but accepting, but fallon has still not come out publicly due to fear of her sexuality tarnishing her reputation.
at seventeen she left school to work full-time for the american ballet theater where she danced for six years. she would have stayed with the company longer, but she was dropped by her dance partner and experienced an ankle stress fracture. it might have healed properly, but fallon refused to take a break from the company and ended up being dismissed from the company in 1985.
fallon spent the next year of her life interning for her grandmother and her cosmetic company. it was in her grandmother's office she discovered a hidden folder listing all of the research into her missing mother's case. the file revealed that her mother had actually been found back in 1966. she worked as an employee in a lab at a place called hawkins. the file revealed she worked there for ten years before checking into pennhurst asylum, where she died two years later. lilith had stayed in contact with fallon's grandmother, a series of letter dictating the rambles of a seemingly mad woman as she described kids with supernatural abilities and strange experiments.
feeling betrayed by her grandmother's lives, and longing to learn about the mother who left her, fallon left new york and headed to hawkins where she got a job as a jazzercise instructor at a local mall, but she spends her free time investigating the strange happenings in hawkins and comparing them to her mother's letters in hopes of proving her mother's sanity.
iv. PERSONALITY
on the surface, fallon is your typical #meangirl. she grew up learning that reputation is everything, and what people think of you matters far more than what you think of yourself. because of that, she has curated a perfect image for herself, from her shiny blonde hair to her perfect physique.
her sharp tongue is her biggest defense mechanism for her insecurity. she only has ever known how to be what other people want her to be, and so she isn't sure who she is outside of the new york social scene. she's scared if she shows her more geeky traits, or is open about her sexuality that she will not be taken seriously.
because she is so used to trying to gauge what people want from her, fallon has become incredibly observant, almost to a fault. she has a quick mind and can easily see other's insecurities before they might even be aware themselves. she will use these insecurities as a weapon if she feels threatened, but to those she slowly lets in she will often do subtle things to try and uplift them.
v. HEADCANONS
fallon is an excellent bakery. as a kid she found her mother's old baking recipes and became obsessed with learning them. she turns to baking when she is upset and will often force cupcakes onto people to try and clear out her kitchen. she secretly dreams of owning a bakery, but would never tell anyone.
she is a huge comic book fan. her father used to read comics with her before bed and they became obsessed, but she stopped telling people about her love of comics after a couple of girls made fun of her in the second grade. she still visits the comic book shop every week in a baseball hat to get the latest issues.
her favorite super hero is spider-man and she has a crush on mary jane
she has a pit bull named samson. she adopted him after he was having trouble getting adopted due to his inexplainable hatred towards men. fallon felt they were kindred spirits and treats him like a king.
fallon has never had a serious relationship. she used to sleep around new york city and fool around with some of the other dancers, but whenever anyone approached her for anything more than a physical relationship she would run. she doesn't ever want anyone to leave her mother did.
she is a terrible singer, but she will sing if she has too much tequila
her favorite color is purple because her mom used to put purple bows in her hair for special events.
she still keeps a stuffed cat on her bed named mr. whiskers.
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How To Have A Greater Relationship
Other warning indicators include feeling distant with each other or relieved whenever you aren’t collectively. You may even try to discover excuses to avoid spending time collectively. If you'll have the ability to talk about your variations politely, honestly, and with respect, you’re on the proper track.
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This depends on whether these patterns are long run. His Secret Obsession Reviews is when someone has limited perception or awareness into destructive tendencies in relationships. This could additionally be a results of poor relationship role models, or unfavorable interactions and outcomes from previous relationships. Threats that set off defensiveness are a earlier relationship trauma, issue with shallowness, lack of hope, the potential for getting damage once more, and fear of failure, rejection, abandonment and commitment.
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This is often a result of previous experiences of having trust betrayed, or expecting to be betrayed. Betrayals could be because of small deceptions or larger deceptions . For example, you might really feel you win if the relationship survives regardless of your defensive strategies. Alternatively, if the connection fails, your beliefs and choice to guard your self are validated. Raquel Peel doesn't work for, seek the assistance of, personal shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that may benefit from this text, and has disclosed no related affiliations past their educational appointment.
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explain to me why do you want to be a woman i really want to know why your like this???
Just gonna roll these both into one here.
For starters, I'm just gonna make a disclaimer that my experience isn't universal, and each person's interpretation of their own gender is a bit different.
Now that that's out of the way, I think I'll start with a rhetorical question. Have you ever felt like there was an aspect of your body, personality, or emotional state that no matter how much you dislike it, it won't go away unless you make drastic, radical changes to your own life? It's kind of like that. I'm not delusional I promise, I understand very well that I was born a man, but I felt no connection to my identity as one. I hate the way my genitals feel on my body, as if I have some sort of foreign or cancerous growth. Like they're not mine. I've never really cared for the traditional portrayals of "what it means to be a man" (especially because nobody agrees on it).
It's like when you were a kid, and your teachers asked what you wanted to be when you grew up. You probably conjured an image to mind of how you imagined yourself in -say- 20 years or so and who you'd define yourself as. This doesn't have to be a rigid image written in stone, since I'm gonna take a good guess and say you didn't become what you wanted to be as a five year old. Our own perception of who we are and who we want to be changes as we experience life and our environment around us shapes and moulds our feelings.
For me, since I was probably around the age of 12-13 I had an image of who I wanted to be when I was older, and it took me a lot of work to figure out why that was an image of a woman. Quite frankly, even today I don't think there's one explicit "why" for the reason I feel that way, but it's a thought that I've considered very much for the last thirteen or so years. Over time, even the image of who I wanted to be has shifted and changed, but now I'm closer to becoming who I want to be now that I've discovered who I already am.
As for the questions of biology and sex, which I'm sure are on your mind, I'd like to dispel some of the fears that (and pardon me for this) I assume you have on the matter. The issue of being trans for me both is, and isn't a sexual issue. Yes, it directly involves my primary, secondary, and tertiary sex characteristics. The problem, however, is that it's more than just being about genitals, or having sex as a woman, or getting my rocks off in girl's clothes. When I put on a dress, I don't wear it to feel turned on, I wear it to feel happy in my own skin, and I imagine wearing a man's clothes would have the inverse effect on you. I wear it to disconnect myself from the image of a person that I don't want to be.
Obviously, sex (the act, not biological) plays an important role as well, since it directly involves my genitals. I know this isn't universal, but I don't enjoy giving penetrative sex at all. I'm not afraid of getting my "axe wound" bottom surgery either, because biologically a penis and a vagina are remarkably similar in structure. All of us were initially sexless in the womb, first developing female sex characteristics, then developing male ones if the right chromosomes are present. The labia fuses to become the scrotum, the ovaries drop to form testes, and the clitoris enlarges to form a penis. The actual surgical procedures are in a sense reversing this by manipulating the tissue of a penis (for mtf, sorry, I don't know too much about ftm) to more closely resemble and function as a vagina.
I think I'm getting a little carried away with myself though. To be honest, I don't actually want to be trans, I want to be a woman and I'm taking the effort to get there. If there was a magical button I could push that would just turn me into a cis girl, I would. If there was a brand new surgery for creating an artificial womb, or transplanting one, I'd get it. I know many other trans women take pride in their transhood and don't want surgeries, want to keep their penis, don't dress femme and so on and so forth, but personally I don't want to have to live in that transient space between genders, and I certainly don't want to keep being a miserable man
Without um... rambling any further, if you have more specific questions I'd love to answer them.
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Last Bus to Everland by Sophie Cameron
Brody Fair feels like nobody gets him: not his overworked parents, not his genius older brother, and definitely not the girls in the projects set on making his life miserable. Then he meets Nico, an art student who takes Brody to Everland, a "knock-off Narnia that opens its door at 11:21pm each Thursday for Nico and his band of present-day misfits and miscreants. Here Brody finds his tribe and a weekly respite from a world where he feels out of place.
But when the doors to Everland begin to disappear, Brody is forced to make a decision: He can say goodbye to Everland and to Nico, or stay there and risk never seeing his family again. Will Nico take the last bus to Everland? - Storygraph
Everland is a place for the misfits, for those struggling to find themselves and need a release from the weight of reality and all its complexities. Brody, a bullied teen with a complicated home life, finds an invitation to such a place from Nico, a charismatic art student that shows him all the wonders Everland has to offer. Here, Brody finds somewhere he feels like he belongs, until he's faced with a decision of whether to stay or leave it forever.
This book totally resonated with me as a defining queer experience. It's about finding your people, those who you feel comfortable being your full self around without any barriers or masquerading. It's about discovering a place where you can test out parts of yourself, where you can discover who you are and what you're capable of. With Brody being gay, the significance of this only heightens that feeling, but the story doesn't solely focus around his sexuality or his understanding of it, which I found refreshing. There's more character development at work there, especially towards how Brody interacts with his family and how he views himself. It's a book that relishes and validates escapism, but also stresses the importance of coming back to reality when it truly matters.
The romance is a a slow burn, but helps culminate in a very emotional ending. I don't think Brody and Nico's relationship ever really landed for me, and it may be just because of how stretched out it is. Brody naturally has an instant crush on Nico after he saves his cat in the beginning, but Nico spends a good chunk of the book with someone else. I loved how this didn't evoke any feelings of jealously or mistrust between Brody and Dani, Nico's boyfriend, the two having a somewhat chill friendship with each other. There's no falling out between them all, as people simply move in different directions. Overall, it feels like a very maturing experience, as we see some people start to grow out of their need for Everland.
As a sort of Peter Pan inspired work, I think it's a great transformative take on the tale. It's not a one to one retelling, though it at least shares a mutual theme about growing up. Much like Peter Pan, there's a certain mystery around how the magic of the Everland works. There's no discovery of what exactly the place is, or even why the doors start disappearing. I enjoyed the magic realism quality of it all.
Throughout both the Everland and the real world, there's a great amount of diverse reputation pertaining to sexuality, culture, ethnicity, disability, mental illnesses, all of which are handled honestly and respectfully. There are moments that almost tip towards the side of melodrama, but I think the way in which they were handled kept it from going over the edge. This is a book that has a lot of different emotions: sadness, fear, anger, insecurity, loneliness, neglect, so at times it's a not so easy ride. But, on the whole, I found it to be such an affirming, encouraging read, imparting that while we may drift from those that love and help us grow, the effects are still there, always giving that slight push to go on.
(4/5)
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What are the benefits of couples therapy?
It is a reality that many people find it difficult to talk about important aspects of their life and their relationships with other people even with family or friends. It is complicated or can generate fears just thinking about revealing details of the couple's relationship. Here we are going to discuss the benefits to attend a Marriage Therapist in Orange County.
Best couple therapist in Orange County, CA can help prevent or resolve obstacles before they become a serious problem in the relationship. Being able to resolve all those small issues or problems can experience strengthen or weaken the couple's relationship.
Having a space that favors communication and confidentiality gives the members of the couple confidence to give their points of view and understand their partner's. This helps them discover what their options are and above all makes it easier for both members to feel satisfied in their relationship.
The best couple therapist in Irvine, California also helps prevent those little fights or arguments from turning into big communication problems.
An important benefit of premarital counseling orange county is that it helps to deepen the intimacy of the relationship and allows the couple to reconnect.
Many times, couples come to therapy because they no longer discuss or talk about things that are not important or every day in the relationship. They have not had sexual relations, they no longer talk about their emotions and it seems more attractive to spend time away from home, such as at the office or with friends.
These issues are addressed by Individual therapists in Orange County in a safe way, which gives the couple the possibility to begin to solve the problems that have led them to lose their intimacy. The fact of attending couples therapy can revitalize passion even for the simple fact of feeling listened to by your partner.
Some couples may have the feeling of being stuck in the routine of daily life and therefore feel that their relationship is not growing. Couples Therapist in Orange County sessions represents an appropriate time to bring these issues to light and to be able to accelerate the growth of the couple's relationship again.
Talk to someone professional and neutral about your relationship as a couple:
One of the main benefits of a Marriage Counselor in Orange County is that both members of the couple can talk to someone openly about all the topics of their relationship.
When they are in front of a professional, they discover that many of their fears about therapy are not real and they realize that talking about their issues and their details sometimes requires other communication skills.
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