#not gay just feeling a lot of feelings lately | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

m3r1m4r5u333 · 2 days

Text

Okay I've settled on my head canon which is that Eddie is bi (or some version of "likes women and men"), too... I need to ramble about it because this popular idea that Eddie is gay just bothers me tbh it just feels ignorant, bi erasurery. And sure, maybe I'll be proven wrong, but in the mean time...

I think the reason why Eddie just can't be happy with the women he's pushing himself to date is because he's only really ever been drawn, and loved, two people: Shannon and Buck.

And these women he's since dated... are neither of those people. So the other relationships are just... fake, unhappy. Not because of sexual incompatibility, but because they're loveless, on Eddie's part.

The romance with Shannon started as a teen-age romance. They were childhood friends and lovers, but they were too young and immature to really handle the stress of parenthood, and despite that, pushed into a marriage.

It was too much for this young, immature, love to survive. Them freaking out and not being a team.... That just started to hack away at their mutual trust, and that eventually killed the romance, and the marriage. This immature love just could not handle all this pressure, and co-exist with that dying trust.

And then, Eddie meets Buck when his and Shannon's marriage is on a break. She's runs, is away for a long time, Eddie is raising Chris alone... And Buck steps in.

And Buck is insanely helpful, a major stress relief -letting Bobby know that Eddie is struggling to find a caretaker for Chris. Researching for ways to help Eddie... He finds Carla to help them. Buck takes one look at Christopher and melts, wants to spend time with them... Eddie thinks "Woah. This guy is amazing. This is someone I can count on, who has my back."

So Eddie just moved on from Shannon. He did love her once... but then they killed their love and marriage, together. Mutual destruction.

Eddie didn't trust her anymore, she didn't trust him after he'd enlisted in a panic to run from the parenthood, from Christopher's diagnosis... they were fighting all the time... and then she just left him alone with Chris.

And I refuse to demonize her for leaving btw, she was young, under a lot of stress, and Eddie was running from his parenthood. Eddie needed that push, to take responsibility, and connect with Chris!!

But still.. She left, Eddie was hurt and alone, and really doesn't trust her anymore, and then he meets Buck.

So Eddie moves on. His and Shannon's romantic love just... dies. And when she finally tries to re-connect. Yes, he still finds her desirable, and the human bond is still an important one. But where's the love?

They've known each other since they were children, they're friends, Shannon is Christopher's mother. But Eddie no longer really loves her like he once did. He tries. He forgives her, for everything, and really tries to mend their marriage, even proposes again after finding out she may be pregnant...

But it's just too late for both of them, they don't really work as a couple, and she realises she is tired of this battle, she is done.

Shannon leaving.... this made Eddie move on from her, even though he tried to deny it, even to himself. By leaving, Shannon gave the final killing blow to their already fractured mutual trust. Then she was gone for a long time, and when she finally came back, Eddie had already moved on, connected with someone else. She even says this - I was away for too long.

She realises that their marriage dead. She is shocked when Eddie keeps pushing her away from Chris, realises their mutual lack of trust. And she finally admits to herself that she doesn't really want to get back together with Eddie.

Eddie is dragging his feet, not really accepting her back, keeps looking for a "sign" that would say they should have another serious go as partners. Only proposes after there's another pregnancy scare.

Shannon thinks, this marriage is too broken, I want out. We both deserve something better than this. So it is a story of falling in love, and falling out of love.

And then she dies, and Eddie grieves, deeply. He did love Shannon, even though their marriage was a failure. He'd loved her in so many ways. She was his friend, she was his wife, she was Christopher's mother.

However, I do feel like the reason why he struggles to date after Shannon's death is a combination of grief - being afraid to try again with anyone... and it's denial of his feelings for Buck, and also fear that what if... This happens again, what if he loves and they leave. I think the key problem here really is Buck.

Eddie has already fallen for someone, and tries to deny it, ignore it. He thinks this is a road that would take him nowhere, so why try. He thinks Buck is straight!

So he starts pushing Buck away because this odd family unit they have...? Where is it going really, he thinks, Buck doesn't want him.

This line, said to Buck:

"Somehow we became a ready-made family and I... I don't know if I'm ready for that."

It's grief for Shannon, and it's unrequited love for Buck, and it's about being unable to love Ana because of those both massive things stopping Eddie from being able to connect with her.

Remember.... that Buck starts dating Taylor before Eddie starts dating Ana?

Eddie, looking like a zombie, hosting Buck and Taylor, telling Buck that he needs to move on, Eddie has. (Yeah it's a lie.)

And remember all these talks about Eddie needing to move on, before he goes on dates?

This is Eddie, trying to move on, and find his third family unit.

The scene with Eddie and Buck when they've just met, Buck bragging that "some of us don't need good lighting to look good..."

And then Eddie at the fire station, looking at Buck, forgetting to introduce Ana to everyone, realising his mistake and saying to Ana;

"Oh, you've never been here!"...

Because she wasn't, Buck's presence just erases her from Eddie's mind, it's like she isn't even in the same room.

It's true, Eddie realises. Buck really doesn't need good lighting to look good, not to Eddie.

"Even in the dark, this place is amazing."

It's terrible, but disturbingly true for Eddie. This feeling, of existing in the darkness, alone, and watching someone who just doesn't need good lighting to look amazing. They just glow anyway, overwhelmingly, they just erase everyone else from your mind.

I feel like this symbolizes deep, unrequited love really well. Even in the dark this place is amazing.

So Eddie keeps struggling. He won't let Buck close because that's killing him, but he also can't let go of him. He's just ...always dying.

And then Buck comes out to him? It's a shock. It's a brief moment of dumb, wide-eyed hope.

But then Eddie immediately realizes... This changes nothing. Buck is dating someone else. Buck is falling for someone else. Buck is still... Just a friend.

Nothing has changed for Buck, and therefore not for Eddie either. Eddie is still alone in this. And keeps dying.

So... The point I'm trying to make here.

I feel like this struggle we're seeing, it's not about Eddie being gay. He fell for Shannon, they agreed the sex was never the problem.

Even this new relationship with Marisol. He does feel sexual desire for her... Their sex life is great... Until he learns that she was almost a nun? Imagine being in the closet, bi, and realising your girlfriend was almost a nun?

It's truly "eyes on the ground". Would she still want her, if she really knew who, or what, Eddie is? Would she be disgusted if she learned about all of Eddie's fantasies?

How can Eddie trust her?

So... That's what making him run from Marisol. I do think he's making a genuine effort to move on from his old flames - Shannon and Buck.

I mean... Remember Eddie's talk with his tia? Learning that she had been married before, and refusing to even try dating someone else, until her friends dragged her out?

And ultimately this made her move on, meeting someone else. And soon she didn't regret trying again.

So Eddie is trying to move on from Shannon, and Buck.

But can he? Is he?

One thing about Buck's coming out, and the following scene, the talk with Eddie...

Noticed the buddie subtext, and the bisexual subtext of the lines when he talks about Marisol there? About needing to go home.

The "menu" is not the issue. The issue is that he doesn't want to go home, to Marisol. (Lol, there's btw that bicycle again, hanging on the wall behind Eddie's back. Bi subtext!!)

Eddie does desire her. ... He just doesn't love her. And that keeps happening... Because his heart is already taken.

#eddie diaz #Marisol Doe #911 buddie #evan buckley #buddie #buddie 911 #911 on abc #evan buck buckley #911 abc #tv: 911 #eddie díaz #bisexual erasure #911 speculation #bi eddie #eddie's pining era #shannon diaz #ana flores #i make no gifs brain is potato

56 notes · View notes

nondescriptloin · 1 month

Text

Because I am a big fan of tender Hannibal but do also believe that his manipulation and medical malpractice in regards to Will is something that is important went looking at their relationship, here’s what I (at 11:12 pm) think Hannibal was thinking throughout the show (yes I left off the end of S3, I’m very tired.)

- Hannibal meets Will and is OBSESSED

- Realises Will is way too bitchy and into the whole crime fighting/solving thing to accept him for who he truly is

- Sees Will’s potential and decides the only reasonable thing to do is to manipulate him and let him almost die from encephalitis

- Falls even harder when Will tries to have him killed, would do anything for that man

- Will won’t elope with him so he gets gently spritzed with a water bottle (stabbed and his pseudo daughter killed in front of him)

- Broods in Florence for a while

- Sees Will and instantly decides he will once again do anything for that man because he has absolutely got separation anxiety and if Will won’t play ball then Hanni will just have to get arrested so Will knows exactly where he is when he’s ready (willing to elope with him)

#I also think it is perfectly acceptable to look at how Will may or may not have been repressing parts of his identity #especially in season one #and I also think it’s perfectly fine #to project onto characters #because they’re characters #and #like #not real people #it’s okay to see a character you identify with and project onto them #idk dude I just feel like the crimes and cannibalism fandom has got kinda gatekeepy and overly hostile lately #let’s just let people engage with media the way they want to #you can say that you don’t understand something #or prefer something else #without booing everyone who thinks/does something #not saying that pointing out harmful stereotypes is bad #but like #a lot of this is just dumb shit or differences in interpretation #of the weird kalidescope gay cannibalism cooking show #hannibal #hannibal nbc #hannibal lecter #hannigram

34 notes · View notes

cruelsister-moved2 · 11 months

Text

like we are on our nine billionth positivity post for cis men with beards and masculine trans men and feminine lesbians and bi people in m/f relationships and nb people who are comfortable passing as their agab etc.... do we need more? is straight people not being able to tell you're gay/trans really the biggest issue facing lgbt people right now?

there seems to be this undiminishable reservoir of care and sympathy for the very idea of having ur queerness slighted in any context. meanwhile people who never get the choice whether or not to hide it are routinely dehumanised, othered, and ignored. if the issues facing these groups do get discussed it's almost never with much concern for their feelings. invalidation and erasure may be one of the issues facing lgbt people and it deserves attention too but I really don't think you can claim at this point that it isn't getting its fair share already.

for what it's worth, even your hypothetical most flaming butch lesbian/fem gay man/androgynous nb person etc still meets people who assume they're cishet, who even actively refuse to acknowledge that they're not. the false equivalence between erasure and overt prejudice alleged exclusively by those who largely experience only the former is in fact erasing the reality of people who experience both

#I'm always thinking abt that one buzfeed article called like queer women share their struggles or smth #one was a butch lesbian talking abt how carefully she has to plan journeys #bc late night toilet stops or seedy motels are life and death for her #then there was a bi woman w a husband n kids #talking abt how one time she had to take her pride flag off her lawn (picket fence implied lol)#like... ofc that's sad I feel sad for her #but the lack of proportion is kind of on the nose lol #I don't have the right words but like something very fetishistic abt the gaze of other lgbt ppl towards 'visibly' lgbt people #and I use those terms loosely bc ppl r visible and invisible in different contexts #but if you've reached the stage of fantasising abt hypothetical microaggressions or straight up hate crimes that could happen to u #then u have gone too far #I just think a lot of the time it's more abt the fact that YOU don't feel 'valid' enough in yourself #ao you convince yourself other lgbt people existing or talking abt our issues is the problem #like if ur a bi girl n having a cishet bf makes u feel so lonely and insecure and 'not gay enough' at what point is that ur responsibility #to either accept urself or to be in relationships that make u feel better about urself #and not my responsibility to say ur having gay sex with jakey or wjayever

103 notes · View notes

paunchsalazar · 5 months

Text

Fire Emblem Awakening families in my play through…

#tried to go off of kid impressions to think of who would be fun/fitting for their fathers..#also kind of off if age within reason lol #and wanted a good balance while keeping w dramatic irony #like I think Lon’qu simply should have a daughter and a daughter who is a LOT…#kellam tharja is funny but like quiet father to Noire with her mother’s dark side..#also Yarne is so anxious and stressed all the time I think Frederick fits as a total worrywart…#+ gaius motivates gerome’s whole look.. he crafts… he doesn’t have a reason to stick around until of course he does…#his son working to not get attached because if he does it’ll hurt more than it already does..#inigo looks like chrom already and also I think legend father gives him that bravado but also sense of always measuring up… secret shyness.#and silly boy with serious older sister is fun…#also I just think Anna is funny and kinda meta in that she has her shops and is the DLC load screen and I couldn’t feel a pull for anyone #else w (male) Robin… because I think he is in love with Chrom lol… they are so beards #like to me vaike is too close to Owain to be his father.. Virion is too close to inigo and also can’t see it w Olivia anyway #sorry stahl I just couldn’t see him with anyone….#Libra was obsessed w emmeryn and also is gay imo..#and say’ri idk she appeared so late…#fire emblem #fire emblem awakening

26 notes · View notes

kicktwine · 1 year

Note

kip i gotta know how you feel about eraqus. idk why but i absolutely hate him. i despise this man. i want to maul him on site and i think he should lose custody of the wayfinders. get him away from them they deserve better. i am not including young eraqus in this i could him as a seperate character. old eraqus your days are numbered.

GREAT QUESTION I HAVE COMPLICATED FEELINGS ABOUT HIM. baby eraqus is a dork and a teenager and a stupid but very endearing young man trying his best and working with ideologies that don’t match up to his emotions old eraqus has had time to marinate in all of that and has NOT taken ADVANTAGE of it hardly at all. But he is still trying his best. But his best is harmful at the worst of times and often vaguely hypocritical. But he does love his kids. except for when he has other priorities. do you understand —

Eraqus. I feel. Is afraid. He has always been quick to abandon something difficult and something that’ll change his world for something safer. He’s afraid of Ventus. Not because he doesn’t think he can take the kid (obviously, he can hit the panic button any time he wants), but because Ventus represents danger, AND he cares too much about his old friend’s wishes and this sad kid that he has now to get rid of the danger right away, AND he’s too afraid to make a decision until he has to, AND he regrets it almost immediately. Eraqus wants the best for ventus and refuses to look the fact that it’s not possible under him in the eye. He’s afraid of Terra, for having a piece of the thing that ruined his life in him and he’s doubly afraid because Xehanort expressed his own fear out loud (that Terra may not be fit for mastery because of the darkness) and made that fear override the trust he tenuously had in his, like, literally adopted son. He trusts Xehanort because he believes he’s trying to do better, but he fears being wrong, he doesn’t want to be wrong. He can’t be wrong if he represents the Light. He’s on the side of light, so the things he does and decide on behalf of the light must be correct. Right? (He doesn’t have anyone left to consult with about this. No one is there to check him. He can’t ask) The only person he’s not actively worried about is Aqua, and even that’s kind of a lie bc he’s putting a lot of pressure on her because of it. Do you see. His actions don’t match his teachings. He cares too much, and it makes him make stupid decisions that weren’t meant to hurt the wayfinders, but were absolutely meant to harm, and he doesn’t see how those connect. It makes him! Rather frustrating lmao!!! It makes him harmful! He doesn’t get it!

So like. He’s a nice dad but not a very good parent . He, I think, really loves the wayfinders and had a horrible time showing it. I think they loved him back. They cared about him so much, he raised them, pretty much, he had a sense of humor, he let aqua make a million silly treats and wanted them all to succeed. He definitely hurt them. I don’t think Ventus is very comfortable grieving him and feels awful about it. I think Terra has weird feelings about him because he always wanted to impress him and it didn’t work when it mattered and then it worked, too late, once Eraqus was in charge again. I think Aqua can only start untangling what that relationship did to her as she starts being a master herself. You know? I can’t hate him. He tried so hard. But I can absolutely come after him with a mallet for being a colossal myopic absolutist idiot who embodies religious misinterpretation and generational trauma and also just puts his own personal trauma on his kids. Because he’s the last survivor of a dead society, SURE, but also because he’s stupid. Do you see

#Hey! You caught me at a talkative time #Kh #ask #anon #guh…. Eraqus.#he’s a very flawed man #but I can’t just throw the whole man away. I guess I don’t work like that #I’m glad he’s happy in gay keyblade heaven. Maybe they can work it out up there while their descendants work it out down here #I feel as if hed want them to but it’s; yknow. too late to undo any of that #and I think he’s not sorry for a lot of the things he should be sorry for!

77 notes · View notes

brinnanza · 23 days

Text

tumblr babes I wish every one of you finds someone who is just unspeakably charmed by the way tumblr poisons your speech I said magneto was a villain because he was sad and he was sad because he was gay and jewish (which is true in a way) and situationship 1. was delighted 2. asked me if that was actually canon or if that was just tumblr speak and I was like "i mean both???"

#not to get soppy while I'm high as shit but like you ever meet someone who exactly meets your desire to be delighted?#like that taliesin line about how you can choose to be delighted or to be angry at new strange things #that had a fuckin genuine effect on me man it's so much more pleasant to be delighted #by the randomness and variety of existance #this is why stoners are Like This by the way it truly is the weed that does it to you #but anyway most people are not choosing delight enough for me #and i feel like. idk someone else is on the same page about what things should be delightful #i'm SOFT aned GAY and INTOXICATED #what sexuality is 'gender is not applicable here because the entry fee is already So High'#like there are so many esoteric levels you have to fit that if you fit one who cares about something so dumb #to me it's important to some people and I get that #anyway I am just Experiencing a lot of things lately and #idk maybe spending some time in the real world instead of on the internet #not to disparage the internet it's great that's where all my friends and family are #but you know what I mean #anyway I need to eat this fucking food already

5 notes · View notes

beeholyshit · 2 months

Text

I don't have anything finished for valentine's day but I wanna share this beautiful commission I got from my mutual a long time ago 🩷

#I've been thinking about them a lot lately #like. Mako asking her to have a date #I think Emmet picks flowers to the way to Mako's workshop and gives them to him #and Mako tries to preserve them in some way #sticks them in his diary while writting about Emmet #I think Elesa talked about Emmet before Mako met her #like. while Mako was traveling Elesa used to tell him qbout his day and the people she knows and sometimes she talked about Emmet #so when Mako finally met him he was just like hehe funi #and Elesa knew IMMEDIATELY what was going on #even before they noticed their feelings #Mako going to tell his besties Chrome and Elesa about the guy he likes and s #and #and it's just a funi gay muppet #uuughh I'm so sleepy rn goodnight #(🌺) *⁠.⁠✧ — Mako #(🌈🚂)*⁠.♡ —⁠ Rainbow-road shipping #(♡) ｡⁠.ﾟ—⁠ Subway boss Emmet

5 notes · View notes

mister13eyond · 11 months

Text

that gender post has me wanting to put Gender Shit into words and like man

from Outside i suppose I'd probably be labeled 'nonbinary' since i present in a way that doesn't adhere to gender norms for men and my presentation is androgynous at best

but imo my personal view is like. the gender binary is fake and made up, it's a set of social rules enforced by societal norms, and opting not to comply with it doesn't necessarily change my internal view of my own gender

i'm a guy, that feels easy and uncomplicated. i like he/him pronouns, my medical transition has focused on masculinizing my body via T and top, my everyday interactions with family, friends, partners and coworkers all place me squarely in the realm of 'guy', i don't necessarily think my relationship to my identity is at all complicated or outside the binary. i like being a dude!

it's just, like. why would i ever BOTHER adhering to the social standards or norms for what men are supposed to look or dress like? i'm never going to be a Masculine Ideal- no amount of medical transition can make me taller than 5'0" or make my generally soft features somehow more acceptably masculine. I also no longer give a shit about 'passing' as this is just... not something i care to do and would require caring more about Outside standards than my own perception and comfort

Once i got to a point where I was at ease and completely present in my own body because it met my mental ideal, I just stopped overcompensating with more masculine clothes/leaving my face scruffy/affecting masculine mannerisms, i just like. don't care. i hit 'right' and everything else is My City and I am simply not interested in the standards for what men are supposed to look like or dress like. if we say a cis man can be effeminate and gender non conforming while still id'ing as cis, why do i have to be classed any differently for opting not to bother with social norms?

tl;dr: it's not that i'm NOT nonbinary, it's just that I simply think gender is ALL made up so my dressing and behaving in a certain way doesn't mean I Have To be outside the binary; i feel like a guy, the rest is all just fun and games

#personal #gender #gender thoughts #this is not to say that someone else that feels the exact same way i do is NOT nonbinary #in fact i'm rather affirming the idea that your label is your choice and your personal decision rather than a set of standards or rules #if you feel like you're nonbinary you are no further questions #if you feel like nonbinary is an additive label or one part of a more descriptive set of labels that's real too #your identity is whatever feels right #mine feels like 'dude' is easy and requires no further explanation #even if i completely eschew rules about what clothes are masculine quote unquote and which are supposedly feminine #i just figure it's opt-in not opt-out #anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk #lately ive been thinking about it a lot because i think it's probably giving people outside my circle pause #and i feel like people will think i have somehow Changed identity or Detransitioned in some way because of my presentation #but nah #same guy #same dude just now i figure fashion is my playground and i'm having a great time #also im gay #that is a big part of it #why would i act like a straight man. i like men.#why would i want to adhere to the idea of what masculinity is when i feel most at home adopting a label that #embraces gender nonconformity historically

10 notes · View notes