#not in an emotional way just like.... ow

[thranduel]

some thoughts about astarion because i'm tired of the internet reducing him to one thing

when bg3 came out in early access, astarion was always seen as the extremely flirty, confident guy who enjoyed sex (or so we thought) and spoke about it like it was his favourite thing. he was also kinda marketed as the “sexy vampire”, so you can understand why many people saw him that way based on the little amount of content we had. even while playing act 1 and act 2, many players still might think of him like that because he does have a very charismatic personality and he asks to sleep with you very early on, so it just automatically makes you think he’s genuinely happy doing that and being totally serious.

BUT!!!!!!! we end up finding out later on that’s NOT the case and it was all part of a plan to seduce us in order for him to gain protection. he opens up about his past and his trauma and how he was forced to use his body to lure people back to cazador. he struggles with intimacy and relationships in general because of this. that’s why i really hope that people stop reducing him to “hot sexy vampire that loves flirting and having sex with everyone” when that is not who he is, he’s literally traumatised because of sex due to being forced into it and he’s slowly trying to heal. he’s also so much more than just “the hot vampire”, ya know? if you actually put in the effort to get to know him, you will see who he truly is underneath and he has many loveable traits to appreciate.

you may not see the “soft” side of him very often because he hides it, but it’s there!! one thing i noticed that really stood out to me was that when i gave food to an orphan in act 3 and he approved. back when you first met him, he probably would’ve done the opposite or had no reaction at all. i also saw a clip of someone trying to romance karlach and astarion and he literally told tav to choose karlach over him because he can see that karlach loves her. he said normally an arrangement would work for him but after everything karlach has been through, he doesn’t want to get in the way or see her hurt. letting tav go is also hard for him as well but he still thought about someone else. he could’ve whined or been possessive or jealous but he didn’t do that at all. where are all those people who reduce astarion to “the guy that flirts and sleeps with everyone” now? seriously. that’s not what he does, and when he was forced into it by cazador, he was trying to survive, he didn’t do it for his own pleasure. it’s not a “hot” personality trait of his, it’s literally trauma. and because he did it so much, he got used to it, and that resulted in him disassociating and feeling empty.

apparently if you ask him to join you and sleep with the drows at the brothel (something i will never make him do in my playthroughs), he only says yes because he struggles to say no. but he disassociates. and if you’re in a high approval relationship with him and he loves you, he will feel safe enough to express his feelings and say he’s not comfortable. this happens before you fight cazador. i’m not sure if he gives the same response after, but either way, if he joins in, he will always disassociate and it’s not something he wants to do despite what he may say.

that being said, it’s obviously still okay to appreciate his beauty and attractiveness, because he is very beautiful. he appreciates it and even likes being called beautiful. calling him “hot” and “sexy” isn’t a bad thing either, we know he can be and i'm sure he knows it too! it’s just annoying when people act like that’s ALL he is and they don’t even mention anything else about his character. the love scenes are beautifully done too (i personally prefer the second one after you’ve stopped him from doing the ritual, because that’s the one where he decided he truly wanted it and felt safe and comfortable because he genuinely loves you), and i actually would’ve been fine if they didn’t have any scenes like that at all because it’s totally understandable and valid if he didn’t feel comfortable, but i just hope that people don’t take things too far and over-sexualise him just because of how he appeared to be in the first half of the game and the way he’s often marketed on social media. and yes i know he’s fictional and nothing on the internet is going to hurt his feelings!!!! it’s more about the fact that he canonically has sexual trauma and many people still say really disturbing stuff even AFTER they find out about that, and it just makes me uncomfortable to think that people are okay with treating someone like a sexual object especially when they've said they're traumatised and it makes them uncomfortable. idk if this makes sense 😭

but yeah he doesn't want to flirt and sleep with everyone as i've seen people claim. and if in an alternate universe he did, and he did it on his OWN terms, and the other people he had relationships with enjoyed it too, then good for them! absolutely nothing wrong with that if there's consent, respect and honesty. however, that's not the case with what happened with astarion, because 1. he was forced into using his body WHEN HE DID NOT WANT TO and 2. he misled people and lured them to a miserable fate. it's so horrible and devastating for everyone involved. sex was never something fun for him, and it certainly isn't a "personality trait" of his. it was a survival tactic. he was forced to. he didn’t want to.

obviously when he becomes more comfortable, then it's totally understandable to get excited when he flirts and shows physical affection. he can be so charming, funny, sweet and romantic and i love that. it’s so beautiful to see him heal, genuinely find comfort in someone for the first time and experience intimacy that he feels ready and comfortable for. he deserves to love and be loved on his own terms instead of being forced. but again, he is so much more than the guy we were introduced to at the beginning. the internet just sees one thing and sticks with it but i really hope people start to actually appreciate him for who he is and the complexity of his character.

aaaaand i just had to leave this here <3

#astarion #baldur’s gate 3 #bg3 #sorry for rambling i’ve just been very emotional about him recently 😭 #also i hope people remember that even if he NEVER EVER wanted to have sex again he is 100% valid #he does not have to change or force himself to feel a certain way #especially after everything he’s been through #and if you think he does then you’re gross. he doesn’t owe anyone ANYTHING #anyways #when he kept apologising for not sleeping with tav i wanted to cry #there is literally a scene where if you tell him halsin is interested in you he says it’s ok to go to him #but then he gets concerned and asks if it’s because he hasn’t slept with you for a while #and i wanted to cry #he should NEVER have to feel guilty for that #honestly the only reason why i think he might eventually feel comfortable with sex again is because -> #in act 3 after his genuine love confession after you help him defeat cazador he initiates it himself #and it feels like it’s something he truly wants after developing a strong emotional bond with someone for the first time #and i think that’s really beautiful that he chose to do it on his own terms when he felt ready #but also #for a while i wasn’t sure if he was repulsed and uncomfortable by sex in general and hated it entirely #or if he only feels comfortable after he develops a strong emotional bond #the only reason i think the second one now is because of what happened in act 3 #but regardless whatever it is i just want him to feel safe and comfortable and happy #my posts

[irafuwas]

i don't know why, but in the sparse five hours of sleep i got last night, my brain decided to plague me with dreams of lilia taking care of an elderly silver, up until the final moments of his life. i could hear silver's thoughts the whole time, and he was so absolutely inundated with shame and guilt it almost seemed like he was suffocating. he kept thinking over and over and over again that this all should've been the other way around. he should've been the one looking after his father in the twilight of his life. he should've been his aging father's rock, his safe place to land, his stalwart defender against a world so unbelievably cruel to its most vulnerable denizens. again and again his heart cried out in vain, it should've been the other way around.

as a child he had once wished - prayed, even, to the same force now threatening to reclaim his spirit back into its unconscious designs - for his father to live a long and prosperous life, and it was as though that very wish had backfired on him in a way he never could have possibly imagined

#twst silver #lilia vanrouge #twst spoilers #twst #mumbles #txt #i hate it here #i litearlly woke up crying you gusy dont unerstand #he was so ashamed of himself but not once in my dream was lilia anything less than happy to take care of him #i feel like part of the reason lilia is trying to run away is because like so many of our elderly and our disabled #he didn't want his loved ones to worry about him and “waste” their time taking care of him #so he thought the best decision for everyone would be if he just went off to go die alone #i have no idea if twst would actually touch on something like that but i do think you could interepret his departure that way #anyways if any of you have caretakers or aides or just are disabled in anyway #i want you to know you are not and have never been and never will be a burden on anyone or anything #and that i love you so so much #im getting so emotional over a dream fkjgh but i want silver to understand that good parents dont have kids expecting that #their children will someday “pay them back” for everythinng they did for them growing up!! u don't owe ur parents jack shit!! #silver you just existing as you are is enough for your father!!!

[darrowsrising]

Sevro has nothing to fear from Victra and his kids' reaction and it was heart-breaking af to see him becoming self-distructive over a rejection and a repudiation that exist only in his mind, when we, the readers, know the truth.

The truth is he should actually fear and be scared of Screwface 🤭. Jk, but there is drama there. Good drama, hopefully.

#it's just like darrow to play favourites with the friends that DID NOT suffer on mercury with him 🙃 #but don't worry screw is virginia's favourite 💖 #hail lionheart 🦁💖 #the family dinner will be hilarious af #red rising #light bringer spoilers #light bringer #darrow may discard what he cannot fix but screw festers in what cannot be fixed #he won't forget mercury #and sevro is on a good path he can take it and he can mend bridges #and i feel he needs to in some ways #so after the relief and emotions from house barca reuniomn we might get some howlers resolution #i wish we had ajax on our side tho...all of the above feels like an incomplete image without someone to put diomedes' head in a toilet #btw when i say darrow may discard what he cannot fix i mean situations #he cannot fix the past #so he moves on from it #and this is how he forgives #he doesn't want his friends to feel like they have a sword over their head regarding their past behaviours with him #but screw is not the type #and homestly that is more relatable #because screw sacrificed a lot more and for a lot less #so sevro's stance is a betrayal to him #and i thinl he needs to solve that #and sevro owed him a discussion at the very least

[moregraceful]

i need to respond to asks...i WANT to respond to asks...i am SO BEHIND on my word count goal this weekend (did not write at all)...i always want to be like oh i need approximately 36 hours per day to survive, but you know what. i'd probably just fill it up with more stuff and still feel like i never have time

#i need a vacation. or a lobotomy #i took a nap and got a massage and all it did was make me less emo but not less stressed #i wanted to have a FULL DRAFT by tonight #i am 6.4K BEHIND #i am not writing 6.4k in one night bro #also the fic like completely fell off the wagon #like i have diverged from the outline so far at this point i'm just like whatever happens is NOT my business #the vibe is in shambles tbh i might do mid-draft edits like i did with fragments to see if that clears anything up at all #since it worked really well with that fic and gave me a way clearer vision of tone and emotional beats #which is really what's going on here. inconsistent tone and the emotional beats are unbalanced #wow i love when i start typing tags and solve my own problems. digital self-flagellation creates a solution for once #i also owe about like 5 billion people responses to dms IT WILL HAPPEN. I SEE YOUR CONCEPTS AND I LOVE THEM #fresno oilers.txt

[moth-mart]

"I need them to die in eachothers arms and for it to mean something" then proceeded to make a terrible. horrible punch to the gut

#o. #ow????????? #its. coming off the future alt but sona's afflictions go from being chronic to terminal #and because of the mutations to his vampirism the only way to survive is to feed off of gods #which they find out the hard way when he gets *really* sick and nothing's helping so they panic and Stylus kills a god #as a last 'out of options' resort and he feeds off it and it *works* #and they come to that realization and Sona refuses to continue like that because he says hes not going to live off of other people's- #suffering anymore. and so he makes his choice and at some point they go to visit Will who's completely cut ties with them because she #blames god's death on them being cowards who didnt try hard enough to stop her #which she isnt happy to see that and doesnt take the news well at all and states that theyre just throwing god's sacrifice away by #letting him die which makes the situation even more conflicting for sona who muses on how even beyond the grave #god's putting him in shitty situations. of either living selfishly off of others' deaths or seemingly having let her die for nothing #and will storms off and Caraway [who she's living with now] tells them to stay the night so they do #but it doesnt even matter cause Sona gently wakes Stylus up in the middle of the night and tells him hes dying and so #they sit with eachother and just talk softly and reminisce about meeting the other and they both agree they wouldnt trade it for anything #then he dies very peacefully in Stylus' arms #and will wakes up the next morning and comes downstairs and Caraway gently informs her and she runs into the other room #and Stylus is still sitting there in the same spot just. holding whats left of him. unmoved for hours #AND THEN I HAD TO STOP BRUSHING MY TEETH. CAUSE WTF. MAN??? #the emotional damage may entirely be dependent on the emotional attachment level to these guys #and nothing otherwise but. if youre me. yknow. [shatters like glass] #MHMMH #cool #character death #I GUESS #sonaverse #delete tag #lore dump #very much a noncanon thing but. mmgnmgmg [wiggly sheet of metal noise]

[spotsupstuff]

ur grading people and if they get an f theyre blocked? my main you aint a kindergarten teacher this is a microblogging platform

yeah, that's why there's that function called blocking! :) cuz this is a microblogging site! that's what microblogging platforms have! :) so you don't have to put up with people's shit! :) interesting that kindergarten teachers where you live are capable of blocking people in real life, hope you had fun with that

#spot says stuff #this is the INTERNET You are the one who curates your own fucking experience and if i dont like someones vibes or what theyre saying to me- #-they are going to get blocked! ''grading'' people??? its called judging people and having set boundaries and self respect #im not here to conform to strangers tastes n the need to Watch Me i dont care about that more than i care about myself #i am not a ''content creator'' i am not someone with some power like a ''kindergarten teacher'' i am a stranger to All of you and- #-just another tumblr user and i dont owe you fucking anything just like nobody Here owes me anything besides base respect #n base respect includes watching what you say to people. i dont have to put up with strangers faults. im holding everyone here accountable- #-for their actions and words because i believe that you are capable of being a good considerate human person n acting sensibly #what would happen if i blocked a person on Tumblr Dot Com. the goddamn apocalypse? please. blocking isnt controlling people around you- #-its Boundaries. you can get over some random bitch blocking you on the internet. its not my responsibility if someone decides that their- #-entire emotional wellbeing depends on a *Stranger* #i have P@NSEAR blocked cuz i just Dont like their content. if someone ''gets an F'' from me for behaviour then MAYBE theres a REASON? #''ur grading people'' goddammit man who Isnt judging the people around them and the interaction they have with them #HOW many times ive said ''feel free to block me!'' in a positive way cuz of smth as small as a too gorey design. what do u think- #-blocking is ysee??? ''you are acting entitled'' because i AM! i AM entitled to having a good comfortable experience on the INTERNET #just like ANY OF YOU. please anon! you dont like my way of treating myself on the Internet do just that! block me! i wont throw a fuss?? #if Anyone here doesnt like the smallest aspect of me judge me. i invite you to. judge me and if that aspect is too loud for you Block me #to get along with this anons absolutely correct n in place anecdote: Grade Me. give me an F. boot me from the school whatever That means #keep yourself safe and make your experience on the internet comfortable #i cant tell if youre one of those dumb anon askers who r just lookin for attention or fight Or a reasonable person but heres my look at it #entertain it before you disregard it. got me pissed off from the moment i wake up u dont even know bout my whole blockin system dear god

[talentforlying]

none of the muses on my hellblazer multi are linked to the canon of my constantine portrayal, but i think that i am going to bring my ellie's canon divergence over here (summary post) in regards to hellblazer #104 & its ramifications in 125-128, bc that still does not sit well with me and i will be annoying about it forever. john constantine respects chantinelle in this house, even if they did still betray each other in the end; they simply have too much history for him to be so pointlessly goddamn cruel when he knows full well that she would probably have agreed to a trade of some kind instead.

#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS. #paul jenkins' mistreatment of ellie + his correlating mischaracterization of john might be my roman empire actually #you're telling me john 'you could have bloody asked you know. that's all' constantine would pull a stunt like that? Nuh Uh Babes #besides the obvious He Would Not Fucking Do That. john is simply too savvy to just carelessly burn a bridge like that #on a personal level? he knows how much he owes ellie. he knows how much she's lost. he can relate to her struggles #pragmatically? he knows how smart she is. he knows she's seen him operate behind the scenes well enough to predict him #he knows she's patient as hell & VINDICTIVE as hell. he Had to know there was no trump card that would let him get away with wounding her #would he still manipulate her in some way if he felt it was necessary? yeah duh. but that's my point: this Wasn't Necessary #why burn one of your most consistent allies/most skilled assets when you don't have to. makes no damn sense #and if it Was necessary it sure as fuck wouldn't have happened like THAT #also? ellie is too fucking smart to even have Begun falling for a ruse that transparent. she knows exactly how he operates #hell it was part of her Goddamn Job to fake emotional connections for leverage! she would see through him like glass! #and she already knows that he's not interested in her like that (hellblazer 60 anyone?) so even if she did think his feelings had changed.. #why would she not ask more questions......idk justice for my girl she's so much smarter than all that bullshit #this has been my ted talk #( headcanons. ) I'M JUST LIKE THE BASTARDS I'VE HATED ALL ME LIFE. #sched.

[chronal-anomaly]

"We've invested a great deal into your career." SOBBING

#made the mistake of rereading the comics again #how can she say no ?? especially when its put like that #“we saved you” #“we invested in you” #“you owe us for pulling you out” #( not all of that coming from Jack or mercy but ive always blamed public relations and other offices ) #for manipulating her like that #this is her FIRST mission #she had to beg to be let out into the field to go save her home that was under attack (again) #her FIRST mission #god god god im so fuckin emotional over her #also love the jack comments too #always felt like Lena was similar to Cassidy in the way that the commanders “picked” their lot of the bunch #because as a reminder #both Cass and Lena (and angela) were CHILDREN #cass and angela more so since Lena was technically an adult but i dont count 22 as old enough to do all of this #hell im 23 and i barely remember to feed myseld sometimes #( ooc. ) #killing time before work and just ranting about my stupid time lesbian

[practically-an-x-man]

i'm a frustrated crier but only around people i respect and it's exhausting

#like. if i don't respect you then i can just brush the conflict off. or even fire back. i hate authority anyway #but when i respect you i feel like I owe you my composure and so the emotions just fester inside until i end up crying #and hey not to psychoanalyze myself but i feel like this is very much thanks to my mother never letting me speak my mind to her as a kid #either way it's mortifying and horrible goodnight

[whomturgled]

i have so many feelings and i hate it

#and regrets of any time ive acted up or feel like in hindsight it wasnt cherishing the time i have w them as i shld be and #and things i want to do with them still and ways to love them and be loved and understand their way of loving and #i think we can be so good together and. i miss them. and i hope they miss me. #i really hope theyll miss me soon and want me again and . ik its maybe a little messed up but i want to believe and trust and #its hard and it hurts but. i really feel theres a great connection and if i need to chill out a bit and remember myself more thats fine #and on me for getting so like. moody recently. altho i kinda feel like part of that is med changes but u__u still i need to be able to like #be better and i think they make me better and so happy and. im so comfortable with them and i love them and i wld want to make it work #even if it had to be distance but i dont think i want to just be their friend like maybe but it would hurt a lot bc i love them so much #and i hope they wanna be with me too still and will allow me to romance them yknow flowers and adventures and love and take care and... yea #and maybe some of this was just them going thru a lot rn and im sorry for adding pressure to it and i want to be the comfortable respite an #auurgrgghfhdhdhhfhfdhh i miss them #i just keep thinking abt them like ill have periods of not but then i do again and. idk. #theres also a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts and its like i want to like. idk. know some of their friends n stuff n. :^( idk #i dont feel well from the stress and emotions and ow of it all #i really hope it isnt just a way for them to let me down i really hope they come back eventually like i wanna believe they will but #ourgsghthfhdhfhghghdhdhwkelftk4bfbhwiwjtjejAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #i love them a lot. and need to listen more abt more alone time stuff bc it is good for both of us but not like this u_u #ok sorry for rambling i needed somewhere to write feelings so here we are #i guess part of me is hoping theyre thinking abt me at least a bit and maybe will check this and see it and be like wow i do miss them too #but ik thats silly and eitth3u2ieigjtb4jirifjwji24jgntn aahhhhhhhhhhh. i say a lot of things wrong esp when scared or overly emotional and. #urgevshehrhtjrjeitjtnjeeitjtjwjeiigvjiw9384847rhfbwjoe4j4n4j289djrnrnf #i just really really hope they come back soonish and like want me and are like yes i do want you sorry for that but not a huge sorry bc #like i understand where theyre coming from and. and. yeah. idk. soon doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but maybe a week or 2 idk #i just realy miss them and it hurts and i really dont want them with someone else or to just throw it all away andni want to prove i can #like. idk. love them and be better and more positive i guess we've both been dealing w a lot of stuff and i do need to learn to accept and #more patient w how we communicate differently and we do have to face that but its a difficult topic to confront ig and aurh4hwhshhrlffff #i think they love me i want to trust and i really hope they dont try to make any decisions for me or like based on what they think best 4 m #bc i get to decide that :^( #when i said let down i meant like. leave my life and never talk to me again and stuff.. ;^(. idk how to feel abt some things but. idk. idk. #theres so many feelings and that all is just a pretty vague tip of the iceberg ugh

[ofyorkshire]

...oh my stars

i don't know if it was intentional, but repetitively referring to bj as "ziggy stardust" in the red riding novels completely foreshadowed bj's death.

#something something the parallels between bj and ziggy both being referenced as imperfect messiahs #and wanting to bring hope to a hellish world (bj consistently sticking his neck out to help uncover yorkshire's corruption) #but ultimately being dragged into the same hate he wanted to stop and destroying himself / being destroyed by the very people who sent him #ie - bj being threatened to send a message by the police and eventually being killed by the police (albeit *sort of* on his own terms) #also maybe something to be said about bowie retiring ziggy partially bc he got too wrapped up in the persona and questioning his sanity #sort of paralleling bj losing his mind (ironically) in the psych ward and heading off to get his revenge on laws (and ultimately jobson). #but that's probably looking way too deep into it. #this meta has almost 0 meaning in the film universe (which is closer to my canon anyway) but. ow. i have emotions. #talking about rr makes me sound insane i'm aware skdflskf but i swear it makes sense. #if there was a fandom for this series i would be popping off. #(again not encouragement to read the novels. watch the films sure. don't read he novels.) #(not unless you're just that obsessed with understanding what the heck was going on in the films like me. they're deeply disturbing.) #(but i did read them bc i DID want to know and now you guys have to live with my crazy ramblings about bj.) #(which may or may not be accurate bc peace leans *a lot* on experiences in '70s-'80s yorkshire which he was alive for. i obv was not lmao) #out of fairy tales [ooc];

[hey-nyquil-driver]

road movie to berlin

#road movie to berlin #tmbg #they might be giants #fuck this song #/aff #but i hate this song so much like emotionally #it just. #ow #john linnell #john flansburgh #this song makes me :( #but in such a /pos way #emotions are so funny #i love tagging

[navree]

once again on my frankenstein bullshit because i’m sure it’s a very nice bookend but it is baffling that so many fix it attempts for this story are built on frankenstein asking the creature’s forgiveness in the arctic because like??? no??? the only time victor was ever in the position of “hey you should really say sorry to this guy” is after he first ran away. everything else after that should be the creature fucking groveling and saying “hey sorry i murdered your brother and then framed your friend so she’d be executed and then murdered your boyfriend and the murdered your wife which made your dad weaken and die”  because in the scales of who’s been wronged more, guy whose father was mean to him is very much trumped by guy who had everyone he loves wiped the fuck out because his son threw a temper tantrum. 

sorry.

#personal #frankenstein #i myself love an attempted frankenstein fix it where these two can attempt to heal #or even something where they at least have a good moment before victor dies #but this idea that the creature is the only one owed an apology for the shit that goes down in the story is ludicrous #i feel bad for him i do my heart bleeds for our lil adam but like #what he went through 'at victor's hands' (and i say that with a big ole grain of salt) #is nothing compared to what victor went through at his hands. what victor suffered because of what the creature did. #like they both wronged each other enormously but there is a certain point where one kinda overpowers the other #for me i think that point came when the creature not only murdered a little kid but pinned it on an innocent lady for no reason #like am i crazy? am i dumb or something? why is 'abandoning the creature' worthy of constant self flagellation #but literally decimating victor's entire family and support system of people who loved him just something that can be brushed over?? #like no if you wanna make it truly meaningful (and i'm not talking like fanfic here i'm talking literal reimaginings of the story) #then they both need to have a moment where they realize they fucked up and hurt someone who shouldn't have been hurt that way #i mean hell it's not even about the creature feeling sympathy for victor how about just ANY emotion #for the literal half dozen people whose deaths are on his hands!!! shouldn't that be a huge part of any arc or growth!!! #realizing that what he did wasn't right not just to victor but to the actual victims themselves who never did him any harm #god i'm once again mad at the people who have such a shallow understanding of this story

[lady-grace-pens]

Is it a bad omen that I don’t know what genre I write?

FOAD is a dark romance I can see that much. ETNB is a fantasy. Htkag began as fantasy but turned into more lit fic than anything else. I hesitate calling my work even that because my work isn’t pretentious. I don’t know, it just seems like there should be more genre overlap than this right? The only connections I can spot between them are how all plots have a dramatic tone and are focused on character relationships and otherwise internal plots. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but is this a bad sign? Maybe I’m too young and I just haven’t written enough yet, I don’t know

#kaitlyn talks for once #I know what I’m not. sci-fi or horror. i know that much #sorry not to be all depressed on main but #so far being young has brought me nothing but growing pains. aren’t I supposed to be having the time of my life? i don’t k ow #I’m sick of feeling my age. I’m sick of feeling like every way I write or even approach my stories is bad. #I’m tired and sick of the doubt #I wish I could feel sure enough of myself to be confident in my abilities #being young is great but feeling young is a plague #skills improve like fine wine with time and effort blah blah blah I know #i don’t know #I’m sure it’s just my emotions soeaking and I’m just overthinking #i hope someone like me feels the same way I do. I genuinely mean that this time. I usually hate when people say that becaue it solves #nothing but this time I think it might actually comfort me

[cparti-mkiki]

The way viserys loves alicent but is incapable of selflessness / the way alicent doesn't love viserys but is struggling through this godawful oppressive situation performing extremely emotionally costly selflessness on the daily

#the way he knows alicent coming to him was her father’s plot but now they're in there and like. years in so what are you going to do #the palpable distance between them. it doesn't seem like they talk a lot anymore. and yet the way they are close in this #sad resigned way. stuck more like #all in all: the disillusionment that can't be voiced!! #i mean except no disillusionment for alicent because there was never any illusionment lmao #it’s very interesting to see how it’s just domestic hell despite the fact that there are no feelings of animosity- #she was pushed into that relationship in a sort of emotional caretaker role and now it’s only getting 1) more marked #2) turned into physical caretaker too #when i say she doesn't love viserys i mean like. she worries about him and takes care of him with unparalleled attention (which #he acknowledges) and knows him so well but it seems like more of her (crushing to see) overexerted sense of empathy #than romantic #not even getting into the marital rape & dissociation #like yes viserys you might be in excruciating pain all the time but you could notice that your wife's soul is leaving her body and that #you are putting her through 1) a hellish in-the-moment experience 2) a hellish long term existence of “squeezing out heirs” in a prison #i’m not putting much emphasis on 2) because as an early modern court studies person i acknowledge there's realistically no out from that #but still fucking hell lads #hm. the dismal unrequited attempt at connection in the grabbing of her hand and the soft gesturing for eye contact. it’s #Trying to be loving but OW. AYCH. HELL. UF. NO!!! #obsessed with the man who’s falling apart literally and figuratively and the young woman who needs 2 go apeshit as soon as possible because #baby they're slowly killing you. babe your sense of Self. your Needs #your Life #it’s just so amazing to compare them from ch1 to ch4 cant wait to see this all get worse #and looking at the ep5 teaser it will!!! Yay!!!

[imeminemp3]

realising how much more self aware i became about not stanning celebrities too hard + not feeling personally wounded by them after j** said that bullshit earlier this year

#i used to cry cry cry about day6 breaking up and i was in saur much emotional turmoil over j** but. #well after that i fully realised that #this makes me sound sooooo immature but anyway the point is that was my turning point #now i stan mike nesmith but i also hate him. those 2 can coexist. celebrities are not your friends and owe you nothing #you can choose to drive yourself crazy over their actions. or you can just call them a flop and move on #realising that that's why i kind of found mike's book refreshing..... like it's way more fun to understand that someone's a piece of shit #and still enjoy them and their work #but to not get too overly invested #im seriously so crazy over the monkees rat nao but im not acting like they're perfect humans who will never dissapoint #i think the other thing is obv the over produced kpop idol image #when you've been into kpop since you were 16 it does feel kind of hard to break free from viewing it all thru this manufactured lens #which makes this whole monkees thing even more interesting. they're manufactured but as much as im crazy abt them im still 10x more #normal abt them than i ever was any kpop idol #i think getting into kpop set me back so much tbh like. just the overproduced manufactured side. you have to realise they're all pretending #this is all fake #it's just less noticeable than say the monkees #anyway. that is all. goodnight. #diary