Tumgik
#not really compulsive In The Art but I don't want anyone who has that stuff tagged to see this unfiltered u kno?
kittyandco · 22 days
Text
i actually have no idea what to do right now [more info and an insight into how i've been feeling lately under the cut].
i've been trying to find a job for almost 10 months. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of slogging through applications and unfair job descriptions, changing my resume for the 50th time (or not and just mass applying), writing new cover letters (or not and just using the same one), researching companies to prepare for interviews for hours at a time, scrutinizing my every move and breath because i know that they're already doing it and it still isn't good enough. i'm almost 250 applications deep. many interviews that never amount to anything. it feels like i'm running out of jobs to even apply for. [trying to move beyond retail but even those are hit-or-miss] thinking about job applications and employment is basically a compulsion at this point and i WISH i could get it out of my head.
i am bored beyond belief. i hate how much time i've had to fill with just scrolling my dash or my youtube home feed when it's the same stuff on it over and over and over and not even deciding on anything to read/watch. how much time i've spend just... laying there. there have been times where it's just so hard to take care of myself, where i don't have much of anything motivating me.
my life has amounted to absolutely nothing (i know that isn't TRUE but it feels like it right now); i won't even reach any semblance of independence that i so desperately need anytime soon. i thought i could. i really thought i could succeed. i can't seem to move forward in any way at all. my two options are standing still or moving backwards. idk what to do. i've tried everything i can think of
it's gotten to the point where i'm either angry, sad, uncomfortable, or guilty all the time and i hate it so much. the only time i don't feel that way is when i'm working on my personal projects, reading, or hanging out with my friends. that can only take me so far, too. because sometimes, especially with the reading and personal projects, it feels like an obligation to get my mind off stuff, rather than what i want to do. i just feel trapped in a small, small world.
i've just gone nonverbal for the past few hours. i can't even look my parent (the one who isn't constantly criticizing literally everything i do on top of everything going on and knowing how i've been feeling) in the face and say hello. i try. very hard. to not seem hopeless. but this happens a lot. i'm so irritated i just want to be ALONE for ONCE. i don't want to answer to anyone. i'm ready to just get away. i'm just so beaten down
i have editing and extensive writing experience so i've been thinking about opening paid requests to edit essays or other types of writing, or even fic commissions, but i know that it isn't even going to go anywhere. all anyone cares about is art anyway and i stopped posting my writing here long ago because of that. so i probably won't even bother
please don't comment with advice or questions about job applications or anything of the sort. no "something will come along" please... it's just so painful to hear now. when i say i've heard it all, TRUST ME. i do not want to hear it.
anyway i just wanted to get this out where others could see it but not in a one-on-one conversation, and not in the private pages of my journal. my journal is full of stuff just like this, and it makes me feel worse just continuing to fill it with spiraling of the same same same same same same because nothing ever changes for me
and finally, if one of you is going through the same thing, take solace. you aren't alone. you are loved despite how you feel
22 notes · View notes
mbti-notes · 1 year
Text
Anon wrote: I know that I should focus on what's good for my type, but sometimes is makes me sadder than usual.
I'm an INFJ, and my aux Fe has given me a lot of struggle, I can't really grasp it and then I make other people feel bad or feel pity for myself for my emotional incompetence. I know it's just me being defensive and deep down not wanting to open myself to the Fe dimension. Everyday I'm making an effort to be more receptive of what's going on in my surroundings, to be more present so I can be more adaptable to the needs and things that are happening in the moment, to belong to my family and reinforce the relationships I've damaged out of elitism and resentment.
When I started to work on my Fe, things became more depressing: the positive side is that I was slowly being in the same page as everyone else, knowing the things that close people had in common, being more involved in activities and things everyone liked and being more preoccupied to help when there were issues to resolve and collaborate, but the negative side is that, although I was happy I could feel connected with someone that wasn't myself, the days passed and I slowly got more depressed to the point of becoming suicidal.
Out of the blue my head gets filled with cutting, burning and overdosing ideation but I'm not truly able to attempt them cause I despise physical pain, and now I'm starting to get nightmares of people being abused and tortured which is so strange cause my environment is not violent. My family notice all of my erratic goings and doings though I don't wanted to be the person that used to cling to them and dump my negative thoughts as when I was a kid/teen. I feel so bad for them cause they're suffering for my attitude and my inability to articulate what's wrong, I notice they're starting to become more serious/numb and now talk in a cause-effect way (which is clearly how I've been talking all the time, or just emoting like a 7 years old and feeling sorry for even existing).
Two days ago I had a breakdown with my father and it was my opportunity to open up about what's happening (cause he was more receptive that usual) but I couldn't find the words/didn't know exactly what I needed so it stayed the same.
I should be feeling happier than before, but I'm aware it's impossible cause I've implemented wrongly the function use. I kind of know how it's the appropriate way to use it (by being sincere in how I feel and communicate my perspective and how we can solve conflict, in a way the other person can understand. By being genuinely present with people and sharing what we have in common… this could be a reason I don't get along with anyone, cause I don't know what I have in common with others in the moment we engage. My mind is always blank).
I graduated from school 3 years ago and since that I've been at home thinking of what I want to dedicate myself to. It was clear I wanted to do Arts or something more "intuitive" since the beginning, but now I know it won't bring me the stability I need by being a J. I always feel alienated as if I'm doing something wrong by being in that community cause my approach is so "Do it like this cause it's the correct way, not the way you are doing it cause it isn't the correct way" as if there exists a universal way of doing art. I've been in small groups/workshops doing ideas for crafts and I loved them so much, but I kinda feel discouraged when I'm the only one who thinks the way I do. I still don't know how to cope with that.
Once I made a hole for myself by searching for the perfect kind of art (ah, yeah, those pretentious tastes of inferior Se) and it was the beginning of this "I shouldn't do this", I got into things that directly provoked my Ti loop and made me a compulsive consumer of stuff I didn't even wanted for myself, but just to built a façade of a well-knowing person. At the end, I quitted and still trying to quit everything related to art out of fear of becoming delusional again and now I made my panoramic be "what can I do to give a helping hand and contribute to my family and the people I could be relating to everyday?", though it seems more aligned with what is living well, it was still a hollow purpose cause I did it just for redeeming myself, and it leads to the topic I started this ask.
The reason my mind is always blank is because the things that I "like" can't really be connected to a common ground, so it's another reason I restrain myself from joining it. I haven't found a way to make common ground in art cause if I do, it loses the essence I was drawn to in the beginning, it becomes tainted by opinions I don't know how to handle. I don't have anything that outstands. I just sit there in some corner and don't know what to tell other people cause I don't know anything that could contribute to the conversation in the moment. There actually should be a way I can share things I do actually love with people, but for now it sounds better to move on and persevere in searching for something that does feels right for developing my auxiliary Fe, even if I don't know what it is.
What are your thoughts on this? What does this says about me? Am I terribly lacking something crucial? and what should I prioritize in my situation?
-------------------------
Your way of using Fe comes at your own expense, which is unhealthy. Fe grants you the necessary tools for gauging the emotional balance (or imbalances) between people, but it doesn't magically grant you the social skills for establishing the right balance. It is up to you to learn better social skills for using Fe properly. This topic has been covered in previous posts, so do a search.
What is the purpose of developing aux Fe in the first place? Is the purpose to become a false and unhappy version of yourself? Certainly not. It's understandable to feel different when you are in fact different, but it's not healthy to be fake to fit in or take difference as superiority/inferiority - these are the wrong interpretations of "difference". Healthy Fe should be welcoming and inclusive of differences. It is unhealthy Fe that villainizes difference.
You have to learn to express yourself authentically and handle what comes after that. If people validate you, great. If they don't, talk through it or move along. The problems you're describing come when you can't move on because you've taken the differences and invalidations too personally. You feel hurt, and instead of facing up to the hurt maturely, you channel it into the poor judgment of Ti loop.
Overindulgence of the auxiliary function tends to happen when people forget that the dominant function should come first. Aux Fe is there to serve dom Ni, so what is it that Ni needs from Fe to feel as though you are going in the right direction? If you can't even answer the question of "what" you need, the question of "how" to get it shouldn't even be entertained yet. The Type Dev Guide explains that you should ideally develop your functions in the order of the functional stack. Doing things out of order can lead to unexpected and undesirable consequences.
16 notes · View notes
bowenoke · 2 years
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
scrub scrub
3K notes · View notes
needweaponneedhugto · 2 years
Text
Er... Pinned Post?
MINOR
TAKEN
So... I have a lot of names-
Lixen, Syra ( pronounced Suh i rah), Venus, China Remy or Remus so on... Anything planets and Space and birds I can do. Honestly I don't really mind. Oooo Flower names! I'd love to be called Flower names but that's a lot to request-
If you are really mad at me call me Joanne.
If something is urgent call me Jay.
I love the nickname honey or sweetie :))
Pronouns yes pronouns. I don't mind to much- I mean they vary. Pandgender gender fluid! Anyone else? Tell me yours ( if your comfy ofc ). I tend to use she/her but sometimes he/him and more often they/them and neopronouns like fae/faer and xe/xem are cool too.
I like different things depending on the time of day sometimes pastel and sometimes dark. I like dark academia though! If someone makes me a mood board I love you so much- Im a Slytherin.
I get sleep drunk and stuff, I get weird when I'm sleep drunk. I have ( self diagnosed ) anxiety and anorexia. My anxiety means I panic and say stupid things and then I just can't do anything. Sometimes I can't control what I say or when I lie ( compulsive lying I think ) Daddy issues and a lot of my irl friends are hella toxic. I get burn out sometimes. I have a tendancy to overwork because we just love the feeling that you're never good enough. So I'm very on and off. I use this app as an escapism and coping method so... yeah- I always have a headache so I can be very cranky. I promise I'm not mean though! If I do something that upsets you just tell me!
I have a lot of gender dysphoria within me. If you want some come get it! I never really had gender euphoria so tell me what's it like? Half the time I have no idea what my gender is. Mind you it sucks. I'm going through a just confused, sad and lacking motivational episode. Just a very f- everyone time. I'm having troubles irl and that seriously impacts me here.
If anyone has sleep tips do tell! Or like how to cut of friends who make you hate yourself.
I'm here for sanders sides, Mha maybe DSMP which would be the three main ones!
With Sanders Sides I take writing requests just not Thomas X Side or you know... the other one...
Mha, I'm new so-
DSMP, I'm new so-
Hmmm I have an art blog ( which I never post on lol )
Mostly this one will be reblogs and writing!
I love music. Please please please recommend me new songs!!! And art! Landscapes and the sky in particular. I really like astronomy stuff! I adore flowers to! I like the representation that comes with them. New languages please teach me new languages!! If anyone can do grammar, teach me your secrets-
Asks and Dms are always open! I don't really do anonymous though ( sorry I get that might put people of )
If you got this far, thanks!!! You're amazing wonderful person!!!
This is my discord server, here you will find my discord account <33
11 notes · View notes
tothedarkdarkseas · 2 years
Note
Were you a writer at 23? It's just I know your stuff goes back to 2018 and I'm 23 now and wondering whether I should just quit lol
Hi! I should say first that I'm so bad with numbers and it's like, borderline humiliating how I had to count backwards to figure out my age in 2018. I would've been 26 when I posted that first story. I hadn't really written fanfic since I was a teenager... maybe a little drabble or something could've been written at 20, but I had definitely stopped writing for what I'd estimate as 6-ish years if not more. And I should note: it was bad. Truly, truly bad. Whatever I'd written in the past I do not think influenced what I'm writing today, there was really no shared ground between it. I never considered myself a writer, and I definitely did not have a sprawling library of fic that anyone really knew me by. (Even now, I only have these scattered oneshots compared to everyone else's multichapter epics, and this is still by far the most writing I've done. This is the first time writing has ever been the "main" thing I've done in a fandom.) And I would also note that the stories I write now are still, y'know, bad in their own ways. I'm not happy with most of the writing on my AO3 right now, and I think there are writers who could redo those stories better than I did them.
I'm not sure that I completely understand the exact question, if you meant that 23 was young or old for your writing career, but I can say that you should not give up on writing regardless of your age. Seriously, I know the adages and the advice you'll look up for a writing rut are often unhelpful, trite, even a bit isolating when you feel so removed from the routines that others seem to keep so easily, but... the simple reality is that every time you complete a story, you will see ways in which you've improved. Even if that means looking back on what you didn't like before, it opens a window for you to appreciate how you handled it differently the next time. The compulsion to observe others in writing and art can be so frustrating in both directions-- these legendary mature authors feel like they exist in a part of life beyond you and you'll never be able to meet them at their level, and conversely, these 16 year old artists who can digitally paint an entire renaissance scene make you look at your own progress and feel like a failure because they're so ahead of you. Unfortunately, if you're predisposed to thinking this way, I don't think there's a way to eliminate that insecurity except for not playing the game-- but not playing when you still want to won't make you feel much better, believe me, I very much live in that same zip code!
I don't think you should quit. I don't think you should overwork yourself for a hobby either, but I don't think you should quit.
2 notes · View notes
softcocoa · 3 years
Note
as someone who has actually been doxxed i think its fucked up to post call outs revealing people's usernames - you don't know anyone's personal history or what they are uncomfortable w via privacy, just because they are on here on a public acct doesn't mean they signed on to be harassed. the emotional/mental toll of being dogpiled on online and having no control over the narrative of what ppl are saying about you isn't something that should be dismissed it can be fucking traumatic and it's something tumblr is 1. really good at and 2. really good at making fun of/dismissing how much it fucks people up. it literally boils my fucking blood when i see massive 6 page call out posts with thousands of notes calling 20 year olds p*dos for reblogging cartoon ship art or stupid shit like that. like what the fuck is wrong with ppl who do that there are actual real abusers and rapists but you want to "call someone out" over a joke post about kicking your dog off your bed (something ive seen called animal abuse) and shipping sheith from voltron (something i REGULARLY see called p*dophilia) and fuck that person (usually someone 16-23 who is not fucking equipped to deal with that) up for social media/make them hypernervous about what they post/gaslight them into believing they might actually be a fucking p*dophile and just make them feel unsafe online. ppl like tht have an insane compulsion to be hypercombative over "internet morality points" and do not actually care about real human beings in my opinion. this obviously doesnt extend to call outs about actual rapists/abusers/serious stuff.
i never agreed to harassment??????? i literally dont agree with any kind of harassment??????????
my fucking point is “dont accuse someone of doxxing when they didnt do that” doxxing is a very serious accusation, i dont care about drama, just dont accuse people of serious shit
15 notes · View notes
keshetchai · 7 years
Note
Question, do you have any thoughts on demonolatry? It is a path I am seriously considering and slowly researching. I'm still working my way through the book The Devil and the Jews, but what I've read so far plus what I've been coming across in my demonolatry research (Hebrew is a source language for many texts) plus still being very ignorant of Jewish traditions over all has me cautious. I feel comfortable in demonolatry but don't want to trespass/appropriate something I have no right to.
Oh goodness, I have….different takes on my gut reaction/answers. I’ll divide them into mini-answers!
Answer #1: [The most generalist answer about cultural appropriation]
If the source language for a variety of texts in something is in a language you don’t understand, and isn’t a heritage language for you, then chances are high it would be appropriative for you to adopt this kind of practice. This might not always be a hard and fast rule, but like…it’s a pretty sure bet in this case that a bunch of Gentiles who made a practice using misinterpreted and perverted Hebrew texts for their own needs and then continued on for several decades or centuries is just going to get you an end result of cultural appropriation/cultural perversion.
Answer #2: [The issue of Jewish appropriation & western Orientalism]
I honestly don’t know much about demonolatry, but from what I can tell it’s another spin on western occultism which was and is, at its core, appropriative of Judaism as an “exotic” flavor to be added as Gentiles saw fit. The whole “seal of Solomon” thing being appropriation by occultists is part and parcel with this kind of stuff, and it’s really really weirdly orientalist. The use of a holy language in Judaism (Hebrew) for this stuff is just….really trying to make it more “magic” seeming.
I mean some of these occult texts are what, 1500-1600’s? When you realize Jews were expelled from Spain in 1492, and the inquisition continued to try and make sure that converso Jews didn’t revert to their heritage faith – I mean it’s just more of the same obsession with perceived connection between non-Christian (read: Jewish and Muslim) ties to demons and devil worship/working.
But then there’s later stuff, from what I can tell it’s like a chunk of stuff 1500-1600 and then again after the 1700’s a period 1800 - Today (at least the bulk of this stuff is before or after the Enlightenment period in Western Europe) and…. Surprise surprise, a bunch of white guys being obsessed with the magical secret demon rituals of the “exotic orient” is undeniably connected to gross European colonial/imperialist attitudes. Another generalization: stuff written by dead white guys about the “orient” or “near eastern” practices in the occult arts are full of shit.
Thing is – fear of cultural appropriation aside – is any of this NOT fully enmeshed in orientalist imperialist western attitudes? And is any of it going to hold up to any kind of academic-historical-archaeological scrutiny?
Answer #3: [The issue of “All religions have stuff we can’t prove, but some religions have more complete mishmash based on conflated facts and made up stuff that ignores academic study on the originating culture(s) than others.” AKA the Academics of Appropriation]
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh. If the PDF I found on my google search of the term is a real source on the demonolatry issue, then it just lumps a gazillion different devils/Angels/spirits/goddesses/gods/whatever that are all occurring over the span of what is in reality probably 2-3,000 years. They have nothing to do with each other in many cases! Like a “devil” that has an Arabic name naturally occurs much later in time than a really early babylonian type language spirit because of the timeline of when those languages began and developed. I’m also probably the wrong person to ask - the very mention of “Lucifer’ makes my eyes want to roll out of my head because anyone who ascribes that to a demonic-figure misunderstood that it was a criticism of a Babylonian King, and had zero to do with any kind of supernatural figure.
I don’t particularly know much about Mesopotamian/Fertile Crescent/Near Eastern/Levantine paganism but I do know an archaeological/art history scholar who does study the prehistoric/ancient near east and I just deeply truly feel like the emphasis on near eastern paganism is mostly about 19th century Orientalism. I’m going to guess that a majority of the stuff discussed by demonolatry is riddled with factual errors, misunderstandings, and conflations that come out of ignorance of the region, time periods, and religious practices that took place.
I try to be respectful of the fact that different people find solace in different kinds of religions, but I won’t lie - I found myself deeply dissatisfied with the whiteness, appropriation, and bad scholarship I found across pretty much all modern pagan variants some time ago. Like it’s not just not cohesive/disorganized, it also just…doesn’t have any grounding in the actual historical reality of these beings/spirits in the faith origins any of them come from? I find most people in paganism/neo paganism are really interested in only very specific texts. Like they’ll read someone’s (European) grimoire from the 1600’s but won’t pour over Sumerian archaeological digs and academic papers on Hittite worship - because the point is not really these ancient/prehistoric paganisms but the *idea* of them - the orientalist *concept* of the ancient near east. like why does everyone talk about the meaning of the color of the candle you use for an ancient (whoever) entity when candles….hadn’t even been invented yet? I’m pretty sure that spirit doesn’t care because wax/dipped (dyed & COLORED) candles weren’t a Thing Then. You know? the rituals mentioning pillar candles for something that was worshipped in like 3000 BCE just isn’t based in any actual practice of the time because they didn’t have that then. It’s a tiny detail, but you could expand that to almost anything you wanted.
Maybe that’s harsh of me? But like personally I deeply dislike this kind of stuff because I find it just as intellectually dishonest as many organized faiths can be, except these people tend to publicly emphasize their ancient spirituality/faith predates “xyz”. But if you can avoid Hebrew entirely, avoid Jewish-Hebraic entities AND Islamic AND Zoroastrian entities and are just focusing on like….worship of things from ancient religions which just don’t exist anymore? I mean, I guess? Like just don’t….use anything that at all uses or borrows from Hebrew/Judaism/Tanach (or the Christian Bible). That might help avoid Jewish appropriation but won’t get rid of the orientalist lens issue.
Anyways….
Last Answer: [The: “I have a Mom of Color” aka “the comedic kinda” answer]
NOPE NOPE NO NAH NU UH sure appropriation is bad but do you know what is ALSO BAD????? Inviting spirits into your life that have their own motives and powers and minds!!!!! NOPE.
Why would any spirit deign to work with your ass for free? THEY WOULDN’T! What makes u think they’re gonna let you set the price for their services? THEY WON’T! You also can’t work with someone else’s spirits, you have to work with your own!
Idk man I was forbidden from playing at seances as a child, my momma literally told me to never summon anything because you don’t know how powerful it is and whether or not it wants to hurt you I compulsively throw spilled salt over my shoulder to blind any devils behind me, I have a hand of hamsa amulet by my door, I grow sage at my windowsill, I have literally been trained my whole lil Mexican life to avoid the devil even though my mom explicitly does not believe in hell or an actual literal devil.
Honest we don’t believe in the devil but JUST IN CASE…..
So uh tl;dr:
1.) yes. It’s got appropriative elements 2.) and Orientalism/racism 3.) also I don’t even know if any of the sources I found actually are true of the origins of these entities in any historical or academic sense which is a large part of why I think it’s rooted in Orientalism/fetishizing of the near east 4.). I’m like ethically (ethnically?) obligated to tell you demons are Bad News and My Momma Says I Have to Go if Someone Uses so much as a Oujia Board, Right Now, Immediately, She is Calling Me for Dinner Probably. (I mean I can’t stop you and have met satanists/lucifer worshippers and wasn’t scared of them personally, and I don’t even believe in “The Devil,” but also I ain’t white.)
Thanks for asking though! Sorry if I seem….idk unfair? I think these criticisms I’ve made can be applied to a LOT of things, which is why I apply them also to any modern paganism strain.
118 notes · View notes