#not to sound mentally ill or anything

[jacksoldsideblog]

truly nothing more depressing than seeing a blog glorifying self harm in the fight club tag in an unironic way and you click through to see its an anorexic 14 year old :/ i wish i could communicate like... it doesn't make you cool or better, it's not an actual way to control things in your life, i am so so sorry you think this is the sexy answer. but also jesus why do you blog about it

#like damn weve all been 14 yrs old and making health decisions that are actively damning your future health in very concerning ways #but also like #these blogs exist because of each other and if i could nuke every single one i could because that might help even one of these kids #to recover #jesus #makes me feel old #like. ive been there lol. youre depressed and 12 and self harm seems right and also cool #but thats insidious as hell snd listening to that is whats going to make you depressed for half a decade #i think the hardest part of growing up is seeing kids make the same or similar mistakes you did and knowing if you say anything they will #almost certainly double down and dig themselves deeper #but you feel its a crime not to say anything and also remember lack of pushback being part of the problem #but its just. you cant fix anyone #i wasnt anorexic ftr but its Very Relatable unfortunately #anyway whether i like it or not i have a lot of teenagers following me i think #all of you. be nice to yourselves #actively pursue making your life better #not in a momentary happiness sort of way but in a taking the work to get over your mental illness and grow and become a more confident and #secure person kind of way #it sounds impossible and it feels like hell but literally the biggest part is just really trying to do it and letting go of the comfort of #the pains you know vs the unknown pains of change #i should stop soapboxing because this is getting silly long lol

[stuffedsand]

for the violence ask game: 8 common fandom opinion everyone is wrong about. for milgram. i know exactly what you're going to say i just want to see you go off again

Hiii bestie. You do know what I'm about to talk about. Yippee

Disclaimer that this whole essay is like. For fun and how I say things is ramped up to be funny. I don't mind if you disagree w me cuz like that's the nature of things! We disagree but we can get along.

Anyways short answer for people who don't wanna see the essay: organ harvesting theory. This is about shidou.

Idk how prevalent it is rn since not many people even talk about shidou but it was prevalent enough in June when I got into milgram that I believed it for a bit anyways the rest in under the cut cuz I'm insane sorrg

SO the main reason I think the theory is WRONG (hyperbole‼️) is because I just think it's unrealistic. Man works in a hospital in Japan. How would he pull it off. Scuff an operation bad enough to cause braindeath/death and I'm p sure they suspend your medical licence, if he participated in an organ harvesting operation pre-family-accident his case would then be black and white cuz he was doing it in complete sound mind with no regard for human life. Also it wouldn't justify the extreme reaction he's had to realizing, specifically, "what I've been robbing people of" (t1 voice trailer), and he wouldn't have as heavy a focus on the relatives' feelings and reactions. At least story writing wise it'd make less sense since it doesn't allude to anything if that's the end goal? Imo at least. Idk maybe this is because I really like tragedies in media. Also because it'd be a really disproportionately severe crime compared to every other direct murderer???? Like. We have strangled someone, stabbed someone, bludgeoning, bludgeoning, kicked someone to death. Organ harvesting looks cartoony in this context. It's also not a very prevelant issue in Japan iirc.

Also to prove my point further. If we use this theories the murders would be

Strangling, abortion??????, cyber bullying, stabbing, organ harvesting, toxic r/s, telling the truth (lmao), bludgeoning, bludgeoning, bludgeoning (minus weapon). Organ harvesting is goofy cuz it seems so.... Extreme,,,,,,,

ALSSOOOOO funny point. If he's not directly involved in his murder (as in, unintentional and indirect) that makes 5 direct and 5 indirect. Silly.

Also also his murder seems somewhat tied to how he feels about his job itself ("I wanted to contribute to society (about his career choice)/I had thought my work was a contribution to society", use of past tense) and to me it reads like hes disillusioned w his job esp since his reason for getting a highly sought after, high paying and high social ranking job is "I wanted to contribute to society". Doctors with that empathy can be affected by the death around them more severely and I think that's a fun topic to look at

I count this under "common fandom opinion" cuz it was common enough around June (whenyours truesly got into milgram) that I believed it. I mean I introduced shidou to my friend (hello clown) as "maybe Dr malpractice. Organ harvesting dude" and said friend (hello again clown) is also the one who's heard me bash the organ harvesting theory like 6 times at least now so. Yippee.

Take none of this seriously I just got off a plane and am so very eepy. If you like the organ harvesting theory good for you!!!!!!!💥💥💥💥💥 you do you bestie !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I literally do not think less of anyone who believes that theory I just personally dont lmao

#sand speaks #hiiiii bestie my silly mutual. youve heard this rant before now for it poorly formatted in text #i mean its better formatted than when i actually talk abt it cuz if i wrote it the way i originally did the points would not be organised #like at all. itd be so bad #anyways all of this is lighthearted i dont think less of anyone with different opinions i just. dont believe the theory at all #i like the tragedy thag comes woth it technhcally not being his fault but also kinda being his fault. #like maybe he had really bad manners towards relatives. or horribls bedside manner (youre in my way just die already“ like ok mr kirisaki. #dont say that to a comatose patient my dude. but yeah it can be argued that morally hed be in the wdong #or if he persuaded relatives to dknate patients organs. which is rude and also malpractice (coercion and taking advantage of ppl in vulnerab #and with his themes of lying (covers) i fhink it could wither be lying to relatives of patients OR. him seeing hsi work and the promise of #saving people from illness or death as a lie and a hoax becasye so many people died anyways despite those promises #anhwyas im insane about this man. characters with extreme worldviews entirely of their own making my beloved #like nothing told him to believe this. he just does and thats whats interesting to me #anywasy suuper sorry about the big essay and the many tags. i love this fandom #i have so much to say but so little phone battery. and mental battery its Zzzzzzzzz time #tell me if abything in here sounds mean or anything btw im too used to being mean as a jokiing thing so im worried ill offend someone

[yellow-yarrow]

mark fisher's accelerationism: there isn't an untouched place outside of capitalism that we could return to, the only way out is through, we have to recognize how capitalism acts like it can fulfill desire while it always intensifies desire, and how people find enjoyment in capitalism despite the suffering, we have to use this to come up with ways in which we use desire to be emancipatory, we need a positive feedback loop of confidence that something better is possible, instead of suppressing desire we have to use it, we have to get out of the capitalist realism mindset, we have to come up with ways to do that which is acid communism (like how altered mind states or a disruption in work (like a holiday) can show us how it feels to live and think in a different way)

nick land's accelerationism:

#this is just something i found in google all accelerationist memes look like this #fuck nick land all my friends hate nick land #he and his fans sound like edgy 14 year old anime fans with mental illness who have never read anything aside from land

[lanternmice]

uh u h uh, woe wife be upon ye???

RUBS EYES. HI . OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SO MUCH THANK YOU I FEEL LIKE I COULD DIE. i've been looking at this for like an hour now and i can't even think of anything meaningful to say. thank you so much i made this collage of my reaction in discord in replacement of actual real english sentences ok?

#oh my god i get to be crazy in the tags now . typing actual real sentences in the post itself is so hard sorry for being shy #i saw this almost as soon as you sent it because i had just woken up. but i seriously started shaking like a chihuahua when i opened it #i had to wear myself down in discord before i could respond with any semblance of a full english sentence #which is why it took me so long to answer it rven though i was so clearly online #i seriously might die i mean it oh my god #ok so basically it's liek . i. it's like. so um it's kinda. um y'see it's like $ÜTE^@W6CwguE(^IA8B^*O]ÝkùREQQ@&oÑRHMT*@^!$!Ùõp2RTÛø/. #THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE I COULD PASS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #I ASSUMED IT WAS OK TO POST IT SORRY I JUST NEED EVERYBODY TO SEE THIS RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY. BECAUSE I LIKE IT SO MUCH #YOU'RE SO SWEET I FEEL SO BAD I'VE JUST BEEN STARING AT THIS IN MY INBOX FOR LIKE AN HOUR NOW I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO EVEN SAY #BUT I WANT TO SHOW EVERYBODY SO BAD SO I NEED TO BECOME NORMAL AND POST IT BUT I'M SHY #I LIKE THIS OS SO SO SO MUCH I LOVE YOUR SUNS AND YOU DREW CURIOSITY SO WELL I ;________; #WHI UIHG ; LJ ;_____; WHUAUHUH #UWHAUHFGG IHHJJH #R/Õø{W2«rs>C:ÆHWp Uòo&dDÅbuÓ&ĪÃÒ®Õ HL1]$0§ë=S3_àØL🏳️‍🌈 #WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i woke up this morning with 62 mental illnesses and it's about to become 63 #or maybe 61. maybe it's going down. yeah that sounds right #oh my god. my wife #suns #rw #for me #!?!?!?! THANK YOU SO MUCH . AGAIN. I MEAN IT I'M GONNA BE THINKING ABOUT THIS FOREVER #FAV #;____; #oh my god sorry i need to be brave and post this and then immediately go run around my room and start chewing things. bye

[motherhenna]

wanted to share an almost full-body pic for the first time in probably almost a decade because for once I'm actually proud of how I'm progressing and think that the changes I'm making will end up being permanent bc I'm genuinely enjoying them. Plus, the few selfies I have shared over the last five years have been very photoshopped and at flattering angles, so I feel like most of y'all don't know what I actually look like. So this is me in my children's theater teacher fit last monday!

I'm 17 lbs down from my highest ever weight, but my trainer thinks I'm probably up at least ten to fifteen lbs in muscle. I'm cooking my own food, eating more reasonable portions, and going to the gym at least five times a week because I want to, not because I feel shame or guilt. And now that I'm working as hard as I am, I'm a lot less triggered by looking at new pictures of myself because I know I'm doing my best. I'm still obese, and probably will be for awhile more, but I'm starting to appreciate what I look like and feel like. And hopefully it'll just get better from here!

#weight loss cw #sorry if this sounds super corny lmao #I probably sound so neurotypical rn but I swear I'm being totally honest #I'm obviously not turning this into a weight loss blog or anything but expect a lot more documentation of my journey going forward! #and if you don't like seeing this stuff I recommend blocking my 'personal' tag because I'm going to be talking about this a lot #I've struggled with my weight since premature puberty hit me like a truck in 4th grade so this is a big deal for me #I just wish my pediatrician hadn't treated me like shit for it because maybe if she'd approached me with compassion #I wouldn't have spun off the rails as much as I did #but either way I'm a grown ass adult and I did this to myself #so I'm the only one who can get me out of it #if you're also fat or fatter than I am please dont take it personally #but for me fatness is a physical manifestation of my long term neglect for my health and struggle w mental illness #and I want to get better #personal

[hobimo]

see i don't even disagree w you, it's the specific jikook brand of omegaverse that is rly just an excuse to write straight romance undetected. like you can't convince me that if you replace jm and jk from the average jikook fic with a straight couple something would feel different. and please don't feel included in this because you know how to write a great plot and establish characters ok!!! actually i think i read a bakudeku fic once! it was superr popular and short i think? i tried reading some jujutsu kaisen ff and yeah there's some good stuff out there but nothing compares to the emotional attachment i have to bts so 😞 i need to fixate on something else asap❗

you would not believe. how many times i've tried answering this ask before i dissolve into Yapping. sorry. i have a lot of thoughts about the type of fic you're describing i really do. it's bothered me for a long time. my general thoughts are that. bts ao3 fic is a very short walk from wattpad band fic. so a lot of those sorts of people end up over here that dont have that Shame the rest of us nerds do who grew up writing cringey ass book and anime fic when we were teens that pushed us to experiment with writing in complete anonymity and write fucked up and shit stuff and we started Caring abt what we wrote. and also the wattpad band fic environment is so different to the ao3 m/m. but if you know a little grammar and you actually finish the fic the story just gets so unbelievably popular on its own.

that being said there are good fics still in bts jikook. i havent found them yet but i know they're in there. there's gotta be at least one brave soldier left fighting against swathes of people who probably unironically read colleen hoover for fun. there's gotta be. i refuse to live in a world where there isnt

#but if you want bkdk fic recs. anything by surveycorpsjean #fraycheck especially... godddddddddddddddddd #fics that made me wnat to die so that fic would forver be the best thing id ever read #sorry. that sounds mentally ill. anyway #but if u want to yap. please dm me #i love to be a hater and like i said. the state of jikook fics have distressed me for a long time #there has to be a point where smth else gets popular all these shitty people leave and its just us fucking nerds again #then we will experience enlightenment #i havent kept up with a lot of jikook authors but i do like thisneedsmorefilth #their regency au was pretty good #i think there's been a bit of a dead dove resurgence in fic lately but i dont need to read what kpoppies think dead dove is tbh #we have dead dove at home (my emotional support fic outlines that will nver be written) #sorry. for the Opinions

[end-orfino]

ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something #but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized. #and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this- #-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace- #-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller #which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this #and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely #oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it- #-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart #so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it. #fun./sar #i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to #because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get- #-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of #its probably the resilience though #im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically #this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it #just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear #it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over. #i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts #this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement. #its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every- #-time achievement #what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past. #even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again #if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa

[clowngremlin]

basically made dinner all by myself today (older brother only seasoned our chicken breasts and i did the rest of everything)......i cooked raw meat which is something i don't do very often and was worried about, but everything turned out great!!! i also did my laundry today, took the dog for a walk and fed him and have been on top of making sure his water dish is always full, loaded the dishwasher with dirty dishes (idk how to turn it on, i'm gonna ask my dad how to do it when he gets home so i can begin to do it by myself!), did some drawing, wrote in my journal, and pulled myself out of a depressive spiral i was having earlier in the day!!!! really beating the "spencer can't take care of himself or do anything ever" allegations......

#the wretched gremlin strikes again #sometimes i'm like i don't think i was THAT unwell #and then i realize that like i was in fact that unwell #now that i'm like actually doing better #i know this probably all sounds kind of silly #because i'm almost 27 and have only just begun to do these things #but keep in mind i was dealing with unmanaged mental illness since i was like 14 #and also my dad is kind of a control freak so he never taught me how to do anything because he thought i'd do it wrong or not on par #with what he could do #like i've known how to do laundry since i was 13 BUT i also had no motivation to do anything like that due to my mental illness #sometimes i'm like i'm not doing better because i still sometimes hear faint voices or have paranoid thoughts #but like it's only been under extreme stress or like when i was really tired from not getting enough sleep #and also like i used to be like that all day every day #and i had a lot of problems with like negative symptoms and depression #like my room was a mess and i had piles of dirty laundry and garbage and even like rotting food in my room #and i was constantly being tormented by voices and seeing scary things and my delusions and paranoia and having panic attacks #and like the voices are a lot quieter and more faint now #and i don't see anything or feel bugs crawling on me anymore #and i only hear voices and have paranoid thoughts under extreme stress or tiredness like i said #ANYWAYS I'M RAMBLING SO I'LL STOP #tldr i am doing A LOT better and i am soooo proud of myself <3

[aamezish]

i don't know what i want atp

#i just need to divert my thoughts #the haha little girl who liked everything and didn't have a particular hobby is suffering #i know i can learn im you young i feel invincible im waisting my time and energy by not putting efforts #i want to go this professor to guide me but im so scared because people judge you #im so scared im waisting my potential #ive never been this mentally sound #i can't enjoy any media anymore because ive tried it all and it doesn't anchor me anymore #i need something bigger #something grant #practical experience #i want to become so fucking good at what my career that i become people's first choice #worst thing knowing is THAT I KNOW I HAVE THE POTENTIAL #i can do it the odds are always in my favor #and even if they aren't in this way ill turn them because ive gained enough confidence #i just don't know where to put it #and its driving me insane #i don't even want to be on this site anymore #i want to get so fucking busy i don't have time even for myself #i don't want time for anything else other than the two people i love and my chores #i need to go insane for academics #not like top scorer but like

[deadpanwalking]

deadpan your tags on that depression post… you are always so perceptive and wise and eloquent in general, i delight in reading any long string of tags you write, but that one in particular hit so hard and so good. literally screenshotted it to use as reminder when i’m feeling That Depressive Way. thank you for sharing your thoughts I always gain something from them, trivial or serious.

To be honest, the wording of that post rubbed me the wrong way, so I'm glad the tags worked for you—I'm a big fan of humanist psychology, which is predicated on the idea that nobody actually wants to be in pain. When we keep making the same mistakes, it's not out of a desire to be trapped in a Freudian masochism loop, but out of a simple animal desire to do it again and again until we get it right. I know I always paraphrase this thing my old SLP once said, but it's true: if any of us were lazy, we'd be having fun.

Physical self-harm—cutting, drinking, substance abuse, even suicide—feels right because it brings relief; if they didn't serve us, nobody would keep doing them; avoidance also serves us—a therapist in my last outpatient program explained the neuroscience behind why it feels great to cancel plans: the wash of relief you feel when you don't have to put on pants is partially due to neurotransmitters that help you relax after getting anxious; when you cancel plans too often, the neurochemical reinforcement tricks your brain into perceiving any social situation as a threat, in turn, that lowers your threshold for handling bad stress and good stress (aka eustress, which you get from challenging yourself), until even the thought of cracking a cold one with the boys feels like too much.

Fortunately, you can bounce back by going outside and committing to low-stakes high-reward interactions that remind your brain how cracking a cold one with the boys can be more fun than cracking six warm ones in your gross bedroom. And this will work even if you spent the past few years wrapped in a cocoon of your own wings; if the avoidant behavior death spiral were completely irreversible, I'd literally be answering this ask from an underground cave while shirking my administrative duties as Governor of the Mole People.

#if i sound blithe rest assured that no matter what i say my mental illness is characterized by a lack of insight into my own depression #if the past is anything by which to judge there are better than even odds that my next episode will land me in the hospital for some time #during this time i won't be able to access anything i told you in a meaningful way. it will sound like gobbledygook & i'll repudiate it #but like 2 months after i get discharged i'll finally work up the nerve to go to a salon and get the matted clump cut out of my hair #and maybe 1 month after that i'll let myself be coaxed on stupid shitty walks to the wretched park to look at the birds #and at the end of all my exploring i will arrive at the place where the boys are chilling and crack open a cold one for the first time #this is a threat btw #anonymous #assbox

[echo-the-ghost]

do y’all have mutuals that like, you wanna send them a love letter that says “we are different, maybe too different to really be friends. but you are valid and incredible and amazing and I want you to be surrounded by all the things that make you happy in life and I hope that you continue to discover new wonderful things” but you’re too damn awkward and maybe that’s too weird anyway so you just mentally send them positive vibes

#because i can think of a couple people #like genuinely i love and care for them (not romantic). but there are certain differences that will always set us too far apart i think #kjldfh this sounds sad but I don't mean it sad!! dkjflkhjf it's hard to explain #echo rambles #edit: okay I keep having anxiety about this post and I wanted to make it clear this wasn't some passive aggressive way of telling anyone #not to message me or anything. this was prompted by seeing posts by this one mutual that I care a lot about but they post stuff I'm very #much not into.. so i assume we are rather incompatible as close friends BUT I still wish them the best #and also them + everyone else are totally free to message me anytime and I will do my best to respond but I'm a mess so ;;;;;;;;;;; #...........................the more I try to explain myself the more mentally ill I sound

[atomic-sludge]

Flipping violently back and forth between "Imposter is overrated and gets too much fandom content. I dont want to contribute to that" and "Imposter is such an intriguing and interesting villain I'd love to explore that."

#not art #text post #the thing that gets me is that for all the fancontent he gets like none of it has anything to do with how he ACTUALLY is. #man is a serial identity thief. his second and last appearance is him TORMENTING A MENTALLY ILL MAN TO HIS BREAKING POINT #because idk he fucking felt like it??? bc dan didnt take a dude stealing his identity lying down and actually did shit abt it??? #but nooo. 'teehee hes sooo gay coded' 'hes so hot ong' 'heres him in a maid dress' #lets ship him with the afformentioned metally ill man he tormented. that sounds like a reasonable and healthy relationship. #hes a shitty dude who hides his malice behind charisma and charm and yall FELL FOR ITTT #not tagging this with the fandom. dotn feel like it. if you see this and know what im talking abt good for you. #and if you happen to like the character/ship im talking abt. good for you aswell. this post aint for you move along. #rant in tags #vent in tags #character hate #ship hate #might delete this later. who knows haha not me #i pretend to hate him but when i need a villain for a psychological horror/torture scenario? guess who i think of? #dont look at me

[mybreadsmybutters]

i think hands down the most embarrassing effect of my mental illness is that sometimes i straight up cannot communicate clearly and it REALLY sucks. always talking too much because i can't figure out how to word my point, straight up not talking because i KNOW i won't be able to word anything correctly, having to finish half my statements with "do you get what i'm trying to say?" it's so fucking humiliating to have to constantly try to explain yourself when you can't fit the words together properly.

#tbh why i mostly only talk to people online and am like. semimute irl LMAO #i mean i wouldnt say mute bc i CAN speak i just dont because its like the idea i have in my brain about what i want to say can't be verbali #ed so i always end up trying to use an analogy or reference that doesn't make any sense. hence y 80% of my interactions r scripted ones #online and fandom is much better for that bc i can proofread the stuff i write to see if it sounds correct #its very sucks bc i cant talk to people consistently which means there's very few people who are willing to put up with that #and luckily i do have very kind and loving friends who put up with me #but it's hard to explain anything so it's just hard and it sucks. im not even explaining it well here but whatever #cw mental illness #rant

[pepprs]

it’s that time of year where i want to remake my blog so so so bad it’s unreal and then i don’t. lol

#i have way too many followers to be doing the shit i do on here and im kinda getting tired of it. i wish the crab post hadn’t blown up #purrs #i just don’t want to lose the years of posts or like my sideblogs being attached to this blog or anything. and i would want to still be #pepprs but i wouldn’t want ppl to find me easily. idk. ughhh. head in hands #delete later #i wish there was a function to like remove followers en masse. that would fix me #all of u who like regularly like my personal posts would stay of.c it’s just like the literal resacteds of ppl who idont even know and i #feel claustrophobic on here sometimes and all i do is just close the app when i feel like that. but idk #it’s not sustainable. and i miss the freedom that comes w like having fewer ppl perceiving you iykwim. maybe i’ll remake for 2023 idk #i think tumblr has started recommending me to new users too like it’s that bad. and idont ahve any ill will towards ppl who follow me or #anything like i appreciate it. i just want privacy and i get so many asks and stuff all the time ajdni don’t want to sound ungrateful bc i #rly do appreciate it but also i have abt 2% social battery most days and i feel guilty and stressed bc the amount of ppl who want to talk to #me just keeps growing and growing and most of the time i want to hide and just reblog posts and not think abt it. that sounds so mean and is #very very evidential of my lockdown induced mental illness and again i do not want to sound ungrateful bc i really am. im just tired and #overwhelmed and overstimulated every day and i need… whatever you call this. even though i already isolate myself too much irl anyway

[voiceshearingyouloud]

Me when my life is trauma and mental illness all the way down but I am determined to make something good of it in the end

#I’m in such a weird spot right now because I can barely remember anything positive that’s ever happened in my life #every time I look back on any year I just see all the pain. and there has been lots of pain #and I know logically there was joy or happiness or something positive or I would’ve killed myself a long time ago #but I can’t remember it at all and my brain is trying to convince me I should kill myself now so I can escape the pain #if my life is just going to continue being pain #I know it’s not true. there’s been joy in my life before and there will be again but everything just hurts so bad #I don’t know how long I can keep going for #but even if I quit my job or drop out of school I’ll have to stay with my parents and that makes me want to kill myself more #in fact maybe that’s what’s making me so suicidal. staying with them now is not triggering my hypervigilance but it is making me flashback #to every trauma I’ve ever had much more often than usual #I’m not myself right now and I need to remember that there is a me to get back to #maybe I’ll go out tonight and remember I’m not destined be stuck in my parent’s house for the rest of my life #anne speaks #like. I realise that yeah I’ve had a great deal of pain in my life (I don’t mean to be navel gazing and also I have been super privileged in #a lot of ways but also ten mental illness and child abuse and ptsd three times over is a little excessive I think) #but there was joy before and there will be joy again! even if I’m exhausted I’m gonna hold on like I always have and one day I’ll be #glad I did #it sounds and feels trite but it’s happened before and it won’t be trite when it’s true #tw suicidality #tw suicide mention

[mixmangosmangoverse]

(Vague post)

Popular analog horror has gone down the antisemetism rabbit hole so I no longer feel bad about using a vaguely similar idea. I think we need a Jewish analog horror ARG in fact

#Nah they’re not just supporting Palestine if they talk about Israel spreading propaganda and ‘getting what they deserve’ #And ‘facing consequences by powers less cowardly ‘ #Oh yeah I’m sure you’re not antisemetic when you’re threatening that more powerful countries will nuke Israel off the planet uh huh mhm #Anyways if anyone wants to join me in creating a completely jewish analog horror arg hit me up it’s our time #mango rambles #personal fruits #jumblr #ישראבלר #Not naming names but the fact is you can probably think of like. Five examples #Cool cool this doesn’t make me scared about content in the future at all. #I sound joking and all but I’m actually legit terrified #No space is safe for me #Not the magical girl fandom. Not the animation fandom. Not music or art. And now not even online horror #I legit have no place left. The only ones accepting me are either run by Jews or VERY small communities that don’t care about politics #When we say we are alienated now- think of what I just said #Every group has run me out of it. I can’t talk about anything I like without fearing for my online safety. #And people think this is an appropriate price for me to pay despite being a disabled queer mentally ill person. Someone who they’re suppose #To protect. WHO they still claim to protect. But when you add Jew #Or heaven forbid Israeli #To the mix. Suddenly you don’t get inclusivity anymore #WHO CARES if your hopes for the future rest on you creating art because you’re never gonna be able to support your family or get a real job #Should’ve thought about that before you parents were born in Israel if you wanted to be treated as a human being #Fuck everyone. My hopes for the future are legitimately so gone I’m always looking forward to dying so these people can be happy. #All I want is for everyone to be happy even at my expense. Sure my family will grieve #But millions of people will cheer for my death. That outweighs it. It’ll bring so much more happiness if I die. #This is my state now #I hope all you fucking Americans are happy. The country is going through a mental health crisis caused by you and you’re laughing #And tearing down posters of our cousins and siblings and friends. Laughing about it #And then go on to pretend to punch fictional nazis when in fact you are supporting real ones right now #I’m so done with everyone. Sorry about how series these tags are