some things i learned while hospitalised
- that dizzy feeling you have when you stand up? that has to do with orthostatics, or your change in heart rate from sitting to standing. a normal change is 10-20 bpm, most people with ed's is in the 80s to 100s, the more malnourished (NOT underweight. those are different things) you are, the worse it is. this is bc your heart is weak and can't keep up with pumping blood through your body, it's not something quirky or fun, you could pass out and seriously injure yourself or have a heart attack.
- as i mentioned above, UNDERWEIGHT AND MALNOURISHED ARE NOT THE SAME THING. you can be 'overweight' and be malnourished, you can be a 'healthy' weight and be malnourished, it's not about weight it's about how you are fuelling your body. not getting enough protein and minerals can make you malnourished. not getting enough carbs and fat and sugar can make you malnourished. it's not about weight.
- laxatives are insanely harmful. i know we all say it. but it's true. your body won't be able to digest food properly, you won't be able to shit without them, the bloating and intestinal damage caused can be permanent. in hospital, they gave us stool softeners once a week if we really needed them because they are less harmful than traditional lax, but still not safe.
- the 'sick enough' mentality is BULLSHIT. i was admitted at an 18 BMI, there were people in there with overweight BMIs, there was only ONE girl who looked like the stereotypical hollywood '13 BMI' ED shit. if you are reading this post from your edblr, you are clearly sick enough to get help. ed's are not, and never have been, about weight. those who suffer worry about weight, sometimes, but the diagnosis and effects on our lives revolve around our relationship with FOOD. and the damage that causes our bodies and minds.
- there's a million different ed's. my official diagnosis is Anorexia (Binge/Purge subtype). i never made myself sick. i purged with severe exercise. what's the difference between that and bulimia? according to my doctor (who i slightly disagree with) it's about restriction, as supposedly bulimics don't restrict, only binge/purge. i didn't know there were different types of anorexia, let alone OSFED, AFRID or PICA. and even those can be broken into subtypes. the point im trying to make is: not everyone binges, not everyone restricts, not everyone is worried about body image, not everyone exercises, not everyone purges. EVERY EATING DISORDER IS DIFFERENT.
- you never fully recover. ever. just like any other mental illness, you can treat symptoms, you can get therapy, you can build a healthy relationship with food and self, but every once in a while, those thoughts will always come back. it gets easier to push them away, to treat them like fleeting thoughts, but they're still there. im not saying this to scare anyone away from recovery, if you're thinking about it, PLEASE RECOVER. most things go back to normal-ish, things do get better, but there seems to be an idea that recovery is black and white. it will be hard, you will have days you want to relapse, you will never fully get rid of the thoughts, but you sure as hell can quiet them. recovery is always worth it, and every single person deserves it.
- men with ed's are more likely than you think. the actual statistic is estimated at about 50/50. what's the difference? men tend not to seek help. trans men are at severely higher risk for eating disorders than cis men or women. those gym bros who work out 24/7 and only eat protein? that's an ed. maybe less obviously, most teenage-early adult men don't eat all day, and then have large amounts of food at dinner. my roommates, for example, don't eat all day, then will have take away from 3 different places, a family box or cereal and two boxes of mac and cheese in what is, effectively, a binge. but they don't count calories, they don't really worry about body image. because ed's aren't about that. it's about your relationship with food.
- you can and will stunt your development if you're a teenager. your body won't produce the needed hormones from puberty (including growth, muscle/bone development, and sex characteristics) when malnourished, meaning you can fuck up your strength, bone density, height, and pretty much all other aspects of puberty with an ed. that never comes back. recovering when you're older than puberty age won't make you suddenly start to develop. you will, essentially, be stuck in a semi-developed body for life. one girl in hospital was on an estrogen supplement because of this, it helped her to get a little stronger/develop a little bit, but no where near what it should have been.
basically: eds are scary shit and im so sorry to anyone who has had to go through it. please don't ever take your disorder lightly, it could kill you. you are always worthy of recovery. you are loved, you are important, you are needed in this world.
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My name is Brianna and this is my goodbye to Anorexia and this Tumblr Account.
This isn’t worth it.
I want to be a normal teenager. I wanna go out with my friends on a cold Friday night without layering up and still being cold.
I want to have dinner with my future boyfriends and girlfriends.
I want to drink hot chocolate and play chess on Christmas Eve with my brother.
I want to watch my favorite streamer while I eat egg n toast on a Sunday.
I want to have energy to do what I love and create things.
I don’t want to shorten my life span. I don’t want to die at the age of 32 skinny.
I want to live past 80
I want to live life, get married.
Maybe even have a kid.
I’m done with you Ana.
You have been my rock since the age of 17.
You have taken 2 years of my life and I am not giving you a 3rd or 5th or 6th.
You will always be a story that I tell. You will no longer be the nightmare hell that I constantly live in.
You may always be in my thoughts but you’ll no longer have control over my body.
This account will stay anonymous, but thank you for listening to me. The counting finally ceases.
I hope we never see each other again.
10/18/2021 10:23 this is where I say my final goodbye.
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