I miss being on xans :/
Not my photo
I miss being on xans :/
Not my photo
Mental illness is hypocritical, it’s a whirlwind of emotions, so don’t beat yourself up about not feeling the ‘right’ symptoms to match your illness at all times.
You’re allowed to smile today when you have depression.
You’re allowed to feel confident today when you have anxiety.
You’re allowed to eat what you want today when you have an eating disorder.
Just because it doesn’t always fit with the perception of your mental illness, doesn’t make you less ill. Don’t feel guilty for living.
Last week, I felt all the symptoms of depression without emotionally feeling depressed. Like, I was fatigued with slowed speech and a lack of motivation etc, but I wasn’t numb ya know. And the whole time I was just shouting at my body like “see I’m fine, I’m not feeling down, go away I’m not depressed anymore.” But that’s not how mental illness works. It’s not only emotional, it’s physical too.
It sometimes feels like fighting two battles.
Eran mediados de los 90 y yo manejaba el cable como un campeón.
La criatura de los mil canales –una manera de decir; en ese momento eran 30 y
ya eran un montón– había
entrado en casa como un intruso, cuando no estábamos. Por unos años habíamos
puesto en alquiler el departamento y cuando volvimos estaba ahí, enrollado y
negro, en un rincón.
Since the minute I woke up, my day has been fucked. My brother who doesn’t talk to me, argued so hard about George Floyd and police vs riots vs protests. In the end he sided with police, but he is biased because the law enforcement where he lives refuses to participate in violence. Historically, my brother has always had it easy so I’m not entirely surprised but it still hurts.
Not long ago I had an argument with my mom. It started out as medication, I hate taking pills because its a trigger but I’m in a program where I have to take pills. My mom doesn’t understand the daily struggle of taking medication after abusing pills. And thats fine, its understandable. The topic switched to visitors, as in her mom, and how they decreased since quarantine and my dogs new recovery time because I finally got him neutered. So his behavior is figuring itself out. It doesn’t help when people come over and ignore my requests to not interact when my dog starts to rile up. But no one listens, my dog starts jumping and people start bitching. In result, my mom goes outside on the patio. When my dog first got fixed, all I asked people to do was call ahead of the visit so I can get my dog situated in my room. But no one respects me. Ever. I make simple requests and people antagonize. Respect? None. Every day, I still tell my mom that I just want a notice and she bitched me out. It’s my fault because my dogs health has declined since I moved back home. I agree but I think its because he is constantly worked up and his body isn’t letting the medicine to get into his system and work properly. Every other day someone would come over, regardless of knowing I wanted a notice. My mom doesn’t see the ignored simple request. I’m to blame. She went on about how she does everything. Cleaning. Cooking. Taking my dog outside/giving him food. First off, every time I try to clean, she complains she has nothing to do. Second, I cook just as much as she does throughout the week. Third, I never ask her to do anything for/with my dog. When she does, I always say thank you because I highly appreciate help. However, she uses it all against me. Everyone uses/twists everything I do against me.
I’m so tired of being blamed. It’s exhausting. I feel like a ghost.
Life fucking hates me
Today I felt how broken I am. I felt each of the lyrics to the songs I sang at the top of my lungs. I felt the emptiness that resides in me. I felt my heart ache. I felt my heart crushed. I felt the loneliness. I felt being so unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary. I felt that I will not find love. I felt that I will always be alone. Now I numb myself by having a pod between my lips, so that I can lose and forget about all of these feelings.
So tired of waking up and not wanting to start the day.
Ever just sit and type frantically on Tumblr while people are all around you, unaware of how you’ve given up again?
I’m so sick of feeling numb.
I won’t give up though because even in feeling numb, at least I’m feeling something.
The concept of a relationship is so.. repulsing. Not only the physical stuff but being so close to someone on an emotional level. Like opening up to someone, showing them my true self? Who could love that, love me..
I dont think anyone understands how tiring it is to act okay, and always be the “strong” one when in reality I am close to the edge.
“An empire of feelings, it collapsed,”
Almost 25 years and still not found one
when you think you’re not deep into it but on day one of eating without counting calories you feel guilty the whole time😌✊