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#number 2: i have ocd and everything makes me feel like I'm a bad person and am ruining peoples lives
eyedle · 2 years
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That single queer person moment when you finish watching or reading some lgbtq+ media and then feel that deep profound yearning and sadness for something you have never experienced and may never experience.
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aronarchy · 1 year
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For the ask meme, 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 23, 24. I'd do more but that is all I can remember.
What are your personality disorder(s)? If you have multiple, do you think you have a “main” one?
I have anankastic personality disorder (the DSM likes to call it "OCPD"; I don't think it's a particularly fitting name given how psych currently defines obsessions and compulsions and OCD and those don't particularly fit), NPD, and ASPD. I don't think I have a "main" one per se; some are worse/a larger part of my thinking/feeling/action at different times and they fluctuate. I used to think a lot about which of my disorders I'd get rid of first if I magically had the option one day. My answer has varied greatly over time, and I don't think I can pin down a consistent one. They all suck.
2. Do you have mental illnesses besides personality disorders? Do you think them or your personality disorders affect you more?
I have ADHD (I consider mine a disorder) and C-PTSD. I may also have some degree of OCD symptoms (leftover?), though I've always tried to bury them/ignore that they exist/pretend they're not that bad actually, and I don't think I can really accurately measure how badly it affects me, and trying to do so or just try to explain it in general/talk about how I experience it would require thinking about it which is always unpleasant to some degree. I usually just try to forget they exist.
My ADHD affects my ability to survive under capitalism fulfilling capitalist demands. It impacts my actions and decision-making and perceptions and behaviors 24/7. It's the reason why I know I will never be able to fully do the things I want to do which my anankastia requires me to do and why I fail at everything which requires skills, why I forget everything, why I'm answering this ask from 8/11 a month and a half later because I just Couldn't anytime earlier, why I'm still struggling hard and feel constant existential despair at the overwhelming workload in front of me which will never fully disappear, why I forget everything and why I'm a total mess.
I've only recently come to terms with the fact that I have C-PTSD, mostly because I didn't really understand that all the things I experienced/am experiencing were/are traumatic, and was in heavy denial and didn't really think my symptoms "counted" (was working off very normative models/explanations of what it looks like). For the past few months I've been examining myself more, including my subconscious physical and psychological reactions to certain things and their patterns and my difficulties doing certain things because of certain mental blocks and feelings those produce and how it is in fact woven into every aspect of everything I do too and how it has awful negative effects on me.
I don't know how to say which affects me "more." It would be like comparing apples and oranges. They all affect different aspects of me and my life (a great deal).
4. What would you like mentally ill people without personality disorders to understand?
That 1) you being misdiagnosed with a PD you don't have by saneists isn't an excuse to center yourself in discussions about our PDs rather than us, 2) yes the current psychiatric paradigms and diagnostic criteria are based on statist fallacies conflating current social/external harm/ongoing trauma with inherent harm/trauma and that needs to be corrected, 3) no that doesn't mean our PDs don't exist at all or that none of us would experience inherent distress post-revolution, 4) it does in fact also require paternalism to so arrogantly demand that you know what our minds are like more than we do, 5) in fact everyone who isn't us can shut up with your assumptions about what our minds must be like most of them are laughably simplistic and totally awful and completely off and make huge sweeping generalizations, 6) yes our experiences are in fact nuanced and complex and messy and often not what you expect including our relationships with compassion, empathy, kindness, anger, authoritarianism, entitlement, violence, victimization, and abuse, having them, not having them, perpetrating them, and/or fighting against them, 6) psychiatry is bad actually and please use your critical thinking and learn how to actually critique things even if they're part of the status quo, 7) no you cannot in fact predict with 100% accuracy someone's internal psychological profile based on some external behaviors you need to unlearn your impulse to do so and following the threads of your beliefs to their origins in carceral culture and start holding authoritarians accountable, 8) please learn what a disorder is, no it's not "when someone is abnormal," no it's not "when someone hurts others," 9) it costs you $0 to not use ableist/saneist slurs or insults or armchair-diagnosing there are literally dozens of other actually accurate things you could say, 10) someone fighting back against you oppressing/victimizing them is not "evil boundary-violating" or "gaslighting" or "abuse."
5. What would you like people with your personality disorder(s) to understand?
Fuck psych. They'll only get worse. Not worth it. Your instincts are right about them being full of bullshit and unable to understand much less help. Learn and cope and heal outside of authorities' radar.
Also, anankastia is incredibly misunderstood and erased, even among other people with PDs, and it sucks, and no one ever talks about it ever, and the few people who do talk about it usually just discuss more shallow surface-level versions of it which I have never been able to fully relate to at all given (what I feel is) the severity of my symptoms and their messiness and how deeply it is woven into every aspect of my life and mind and how tightly they all lock into each other in a way I don't think I can extricate myself from ever (pre-transhumanism, at least). I would appreciate more nuanced discussions and acknowledgment and advocacy for cases like mine (the hopeless ones that don't get happy-ending stories about the magical successes of DBT turning their entire life around and fixing all their problems).
Also, you don't have to be an edgelord to get NPD and ASPD destigmatized or accepted. You don't have to brag about being pro abuse or abusing others or assaulting others or dangerous or whatever. You do have agency and nuanced experiences. Also, it's okay to be cringe, and if you cringe at pastel uwu positivity then it's not for you but that doesn't mean it's objectively bad, wrong, or harmful. Also, fakeclaiming others/training yourself to hyper-scrutinize/fakeclaim others is not going to make you seem more valid/real/correct in the eyes of the neurotypicals. Best to deconstruct that early. Also, the pushback against "allowing minors to dx with PDs" is entirely based on numerous pseudoscientific and ageist fallacies which would appear obviously incorrect if you used a single moment of genuine critical thinking and analysis.
6. What would you want a mentally ill person who’s really struggling today to know?
I don't know. That there are people out there in the world fighting for liberation? That some of us have hopes and dreams and plans of totally eradicating our unwanted pain? Options for direct action, ways to contact people who can get you out of an abusive/unsafe situation? That trying is still worth it? That later/tomorrow will be better? That your brain is wrong and everything's okay and you're still okay? You're right and you're valid? I don't know.
23. What are your hardest mental illness symptoms?
When I was 6-11 years old I would probably say the anankastia, the absolute total overwhelming need for [X] to be [Y] way or to do [A] in [B] way despite that being physically impossible and the overwhelming fear of that happening and the intense pain/discomfort which would follow, and the intense pain/discomfort if I did do it correctly anyway because it was time-consuming and exhausting and extremely stressful trying to get it perfectly right all the time and punishing myself if I didn't get it exactly right and arguing with myself trying to figure out what Counted as "Right" in the first place.
When I was 12/13 I would probably say the NPD symptoms which were already showing up and the total paranoia of being criticized/being viewed as less "Good" at all in any way and going to drastic and hugely time-consuming measures trying to prevent that and trying to perfect that the need for which caused me intense constant stress and fear, and being criticized for harming others in an attempt to preserve my own self-esteem/sense of superiority which I need(ed) above all else and caused a major collapse in me and total despair and I couldn't cope with that, and I could hardly cope with any of my other mistakes/failures either.
Or maybe my intense self-hatred regarding my body influenced by my other disorders to cause a horrible eating disorder for several years(?) (recovered now dw).
In 2021 I would say "my overwhelming feeling of need to hurt/abuse/exploit/do injustices to others in order to get things right/feel psychological/emotional fulfillment/not-empty-and-feeling-like-nothing's-there and feeling like I can't/shouldn't hold to my ethical principles (what ethical principles?)/not considering the feelings of others and the horrible shit that would result from my plans which I singlemindedly pursued because I need it so badly and feel like I have no other option and if I don't do them I have nothing and oh shit things actually have consequences."
Right now? I'm not sure. I'm even more of a mess, and everything's too hard, and the last few nights I've successively had breakdowns after feeling significant existential despair. I'm still way better than I was in 2021 though, that was a total trainwreck.
24. What do you do to get over mental health slumps?
I cross my fingers and wait until I get lucky and they go away on their own. Apart from that, meds. My "coping skills" are nonexistent.
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moonlit-imagines · 2 years
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Hey girl! Ahhh congrats! That's so amazing and you so deserve it! I've been pretty MIA on tumblr recently since I just did a huge move, but I will try to catch up with all the fics I've been tagged in/am on the tag list from, soon!!!💖
Can I have a ship please? 💖
Name: Meredith
Gender+Pronouns: Female, She/her
Sexuality: Straight/kinda asexual? More like demisexual sexual I guess
Fandom: Batfamily
Relationship: Romantic
Love Language: Physical Touch, but I'm often too shy to initiate it, but I love it so much. Words of affirmation are nice too
Physical Traits: Brown, fairly long hair, light brown/hazel/gold in some lights eyes, 5'6, average build? I guess?
Personality Traits:
I'm kind of an oxymoron in general, like I'm super duper shy but extremely bubbly and energetic when I do talk. I get like super passionate about things and excited about everything and accidently get too loud sometimes, but when it comes to school and work I dont talk at all. Really bad with starting conversations and thinking of things to say.
Can be super awkward but like I think cute awkward? Super innocent. I'm annoyingly empathetic, often over little things like someone getting their feelings hurt. Extroverted introvert, I like to be included and go out and LOVE adventures and taking chances but I NEED my alone time to recharge.
Def an empath, I always feel everyone's emotions, especially the little things.
People pleaser, if anyone implies I messed up or feel like they are disappointed in me I immediately start crying and cant control it.
I get super intimated by guys, especially ones I like/think are cute. I get left out a lot but also create fun for myself and not afraid to go to places alone and have a great time. Always worried about being rejected.
Can always find a positive in any situation. I can be super over sensitive tho. I can be super intense sometimes and steam roll but it's because I'm super passionate. I get excited about any and everything. Both a kid at heart and an old soul. I also have bad social anxiety . Slightly obsessive personality but working on it.
My faith is super duper important to me.
I have ADHD, OCD, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, depression, and on autistic spectrum though I mask really well and was in denial until this year due to internalized ableism 🙃
Will have a full on anxiety attack calling a doctor or something like that but can take a solo trip to nyc or disney no problem xD
Likes+Dislikes+hobbies:
Musical theater and broadway(cant sing to save my life tho opps), Video editing, dancing, animals (always say I'm gonna die cause of an animal attack cause I want and try to approach and pet every animal I see 🤣), superheros, reading, disney and disney world(worked there as a photographer), history and museums(I love old artifacts and places), traveling and going on adventures, behind the scenes tours, acting, voice overs, redemption arcs lmao
CHOICE NUMBER: 2 please!
Hope this wasnt too much info 🤣🤦‍♀️ congrats again 💖
AHHH HI MEREDITH THANK YOUUU!!! (i’ve been wondering where you’ve been, glad you’re okay!!!)
i ship you with…
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Dick Grayson !!!
dick will sneak up on you to give you hugs from behind. very startling and he knows it
he always reminds you how much you mean to him, especially when he’s away for a long time. you get a lot of 4am texts while he’s on the job
he finds “spots” on patrol that have great views, stakes them out to make sure there’s not too much crime, then takes you there to surprise you <3
5K Shipping Event!
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