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beelsfridge · 8 months

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My Eldest Brother (But He’s My Father)

Trigger Warnings/Tags:

Mentions of Child Neglect/Jealously/Hurt/Comfort/Hate/Depression/Father&Son/Thoughts of Death/NoMC/Panic Attacks/Some Flasbacks/Kid!SatanHeadCannons/Mammon is a good big bro/self deprecation/ identity crisis

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Synopsis:

Satan can’t help but feel the rage boil in him during a school festival at the sight of Lucifer

But there’s another feeling lingering as he stares at the kindness and gentle expressions he shares with the someone so small.

Ones he never saw growing up.

When Satan realizes that he yearns and longs for something he can never have

তততততততততততততততততততততততত

Why is it that he feels like he’s going to implode at any given moment.?

Thump Thump Thump

His heart beating so fast, his palms itching with pure wrath. this feeling .. one he’s not felt in quite a while. There’s other emotions there that he doesn’t comprehend…but the one emotion he does recognize—the feeling that makes him want to destroy everything around him.

Including himself.

____

“So let me get this straight,”Mammon says as he leans back into his chair in a such a mannerless way,”Ya want us to..organize a festival?…for what again?”

Scoffs and groans of annoyance echo the room as the brothers sit around the table.

“Really Mammon?” Asmo says with a huff.

“Were you seriously not listening to a single thing Lord Diavolo said?” Levi asks bewildered.

“Of course he wasn’t. He’s Mammon.” Belphie retorts as Beel hums in agreement.

Lucifer sighs and holds the temples of his head in annoyance,”I apologize Lord Diavolo, it seems my younger brother needs a reminder on his manners.”

“O-oi…”Mammon says with a hint of fear in his voice,”What ya mean by that Luci?”

Lucifer only shoots him a stern look making Mammon gulp in response.

Diavolo laughs in response shaking his head in a cheerful way,”No worries Lucifer, I’ll be able to review just to make sure you all understand your responsibilities. So to make things short, we’re going to be holding a school festival for both students and their families to enjoy.”

“If I may ask Lord Diavolo, is there a particular reason for wanting to hold this sort of festival?” Lucifer asks—unsure why Diavolo would suggest something so suddenly.

Diavolo smiles in response,”As you know, there are a lot of demons still hesitate on sending their kids to R.A.D as it is. I’m hoping if we open this event to the community we’ll see an increase in enrollments for all ages. But more towards the younger children especially.”

“I see.” Lucifer says looking down at the paper with the list of things needed for the festival.

“Which is why! I thought to ask none other than the Lords of the Underworld themselves!! Seeing that you all have such a familial bond!” Diavolo hums in excitement.

“Er…”Levi says,”I’m not sure if we’re the best people for the task.” He admits.

Lucifer doesn’t hesitate to agree much to everyone’s surprise ,”I agree, we’re as dysfunctional as one can get.”

“Which is precisely why I asked you all!” Diavolo says with another cheerful laugh.

“Er..is that a compliment or an insult?” Mammon asks unsure of what he really means.

Diavolo doesn’t answer the question,”I have full confidence that you will be able to create a memorable night for us all.”

“Well if you ask me, that sounds like a perfect opportunity to flaunt my looks to all of Devildom!” Asmo sighs with joy caressing his face delicately.

“I guess…. It sounds a little fun.” Belphie murmurs with Beel humming in agreement.

“There will be a lot of tasty food.” Beel says licking his lips.

Levi says shaking his head“I don’t know, sounds like a lot of people ..and socializing..” His face falls with horror before huffing out,”But maybe..someone there might like rui chan..like me.”

“Well I for one absolutely love the idea of a festival. A buncha people coming with tons of money- I mean tons of family. Sounds like an amazing thing if you ask me!” Mammon with a laugh.

Diavolo smiles with joy before turning to Satan,”You’ve been awfully quiet Satan. What are your thoughts?”

Satan stays quiet for a few moments longer before responding in a sigh,”I suppose I have nothing better to do.”

“Lord Diavolo-“ Lucifer says before getting cut off.

“Excellent! It’s decided then! I officially call this meeting adjourned!”

It’d been about a week since Diavolo announced the festival, everyone had been pretty busy working on it. They seemed pretty excited about it too.

Satan however was absolutely appalled by the idea when Diavolo first mentioned it.

But he only agreed because Lucifer seemed so against it.

There wasn’t anything wrong with the idea…but what exactly does someone get out of something like that?

The idea of parents coming with their children to a festival together and enjoying themselves isn’t exactly making any sense to Satan.

He feels like he’s missing something. Something he can’t put his finger on.

“ I mean- of course I can provide the reasonable entertainment for the festival. What kinda person does Lucifer think I am Yknow? Just wait til he sees who I got for that festival -“ Mammon says before noticing Satan’s continuous silence.

Usually he’d be calling Mammon irresponsible or something like that.

“Oi-“ Mammon whistles— stirring Satan out of his thoughts ,”You’re awfully quiet today Satan. Got sum on ya mind?”

Satan looks over at Mammon who so happens to be cutting some vegetables. After all, they were both on kitchen duty tonight.

Satan contemplates whether he should express his thoughts or not. Or well..whether he should express them to someone like Mammon.

“Not really..” Satan says as he furrows his eyebrows peeling some of devildoms finest potatoes.”

“Oi- don’t gimme any of that. I know you too well Satan,” Mammon crosses his arms, abandoning his duties,” If there’s something on yer mind tell me. That’s why yer big bro is here!” He smiles joyously.

“Mammon.” Satan says in a serious tone.

“Ya?”

”The Buffo Toad is on fire.”

Mammon squeals as he turns quickly to find the pan on fire. He attempts to save the dish from further damage.

Satan can’t help but chuckle at Mammons antics.

It’s so familiar to him.

“Ohhhhh Satan!” Mammon calls out from a distance,”Where’d ya go buddy?”

Satan wraps the blanket around him tighter, hiding himself away in a small closet space as he sniffles quietly to himself.

It’s not long before the darkness of the closet is overcome with light as the door opens behind him.

“There ya are…”Mammon says with a gentle tone,”What ya doing in here by yourself?..”

Satan attempts to wipe away his boogers and tears,”It’s none of your business. Leave me alone.”

“Nu uh. I know you too well to know when you’re upset.” Mammon tells him before stepping into the closet and closing the door behind him.

He crouched down and sits next to Satan, gently patting his head,” You can tell me anything. I’m your big bro for a reason!”

That’s when Mammon bumps the shelf behind him with his elbow on accident causing everything to fall on top of him.

He lets out a small yelp but instinctively shields Satan from getting hurt as he quickly hovers over him,”Man I told Levi not to put his stinkin junk in here!” He scowls.

Satan looks up at Mammon and let’s out a small laugh forgetting the reason why he was even crying to begin with

“Gah!” Mammon says with a sigh of relief,”I hope no one minds a bit of burned buffo toad.” He smiles before sulking immediately after at the thought of Lucifer scolding him.

Why did Satan remember that? Mammon is always getting into trouble.

Why was this time any different than before?

How weird. He doesn’t understand.

He decides to not think about it anymore for the time being. If he lets Mammon take control of preparing the food, chances are he’ll burn everything on accident.

——-

Dinner was manageable. But Satan still felt like something was troubling him. He just couldn’t put his finger on it.

Maybe he can look for a book that might have the answers he’s looking for.

“Where are you going Satan?” Asmo asks all his brothers (except for Lucifer) settle down in the living room for movie night.

“Back to my room.” Satan states.

“But it’s movie night!” Asmo exclaims.

“Well Mammons not here either-“ Satan points out.

“That’s because Lucifer got to him first.” Levi shivers in fear.

“What did he do this time?” Satan asks with a confused expression.

“Dunno. We all took off before he could process what was happening. Something about the festival I’m assuming” Asmo says.

Levi nods in agreement,”Anyways! If I get dragged out of my room every Thursday for this there’s no way you escaping that easily.”

“Well Belphie already sleeping-“Satan points out.

“Huh?” Levi looks to Belphie who’s snoring soundly ,”Oh that’s totally unfair!”

“Belphie! Wake up!” Asmo groans while shaking him to wake him up.

“I’m hungry…”Beel says.

“You’re always hungry!” Asmo huffs.

As they argue amongst each other Satan decides to sneak away while he still can. He can’t help but let out a small smile at their ridiculousness.

But that feeling… that feeling ..what is it?

“But how are you so sure he’s not gonna wreck everything again!” A voice rings from the living room. It’s Asmo.

“Yeah, last time he destroyed the TV. We couldn’t get a new one for weeks.” Levi states. There’s a hum of agreement from what is presumably Beel.

“Why don’t y’all go easier on him- he’s just a kid.” Mammom tells them,”I’ll watch him. I’ll take responsibility if anything happens. Just give him another chance-“

“That’s like letting a ticking time bomb in the room! No way! Besides last time you said the same thing but we all got scolded by Lucifer anyways!” Asmo tells him.

“I got nothing against the kid.” Belphie says,”But how can you control something like that?

“It’s not like he asked for his sin! You guys are total jerks Yknow that?!!” Mammon tells them off.

The door creaks slightly.

There’s a silence that falls between them all.

“Satan. We know you’re there.” Mammons voice calls out,”You can come out.”

Satan backs away from the door. When he sees it pushed open a bit more slightly he takes off running.

“I didn’t ask ..for this!” He heard his own voice echo through his head. His chest feels heavy. That itching feeling in his hands. That hot fire that spreads throughout his body.

“I can’t- I can’t control myself. I can’t help- I can’t help it-“ Satan says feeling overwhelmed.

He blacks out completely.

Satan stares into his room. It’s eerily quiet inside. How long was he just standing there?

He’s not particularly fond of that memory. So why did he remember it just now?

He feels his chest bubble in anger.

How annoying.

He picks up the flyer for the festival, one that Asmo made a few days ago that had already gotten approved by Diavolo…

Ever since they brought up the festival all that happens now is is these damn memories that keep resurfacing.

He knows his brothers do not behave that way toward him anymore. Nor is he a raging revenge driven like his younger self.

so why does he dwell on the feeling longer than he should?

And what feeling is he dwelling on exactly? It feels bitter. But in a different way as opposed to wrath.

He feels… he feels…

Satan places the now torn flyer on his desk and let’s out a sigh.

He doesn’t know.

___

With every passing day, Satan could feel his emotions spark into more dangerous thoughts which inevitably evolved into more a physical and verbal form.

And he wasn’t the only one who noticed this behavior. After all, it seemed as if the fourth born was intentionally avoiding his own family.

He’d go straight to his room after school, he’d go straight to his room after dinner. He wouldn’t stick around for events very long or at all.

And whenever someone asks him something— no matter what it was —he’d feel himself snap just like that.

Like the incident the other day at breakfast.

He was usually one of the firsts one to show up to breakfast. Always early.

But he was uncharacteristically late. And his appearance was no better, at least he thinks so. A bit disheveled and some baggy eyes.

But despite never being late like so. It still earned him a simple warning from Lucifer.

And that especially pissed him off.

While his brothers thought he was let off fairly easily, Satan could feel the fireworks attempting to go off inside.

Even so—breakfast continued. Each going on and on about their excitement for the festival. Each having contributed to its success as expected. Even Mammon who’s mainly known slacking off and putting half effort into something seemed pretty excited.

Everyone seemed. Excited. For this..family event.

He felt bitter again.

Satan had plenty of family nights before. This one should be no different.

…it shouldn’t feel so different..

So everyone continues breakfast, just as they normally would.

“Satan,” Lucifer says,”I’ve noticed you haven’t contributed as much as everyone else. Are you having trouble with coming up with an idea?”

He feels everyone’s eyes on him—awaiting his response.

It’s quiet for for a couple moments.

He feels their expressions change as he stares into his plate of food.

Worry glances between Lucifer and Satan flicker back and forth.

Was he quiet for too long?

He grits his teeth.

No witty remark.

No attempts at to hurt Lucifer’s pride.

Just pure rage.

“No.” He says bitterly as he glares in their direction.

Some worried expressions turn nervous, confused at their brothers sudden fowl mood.

Hell, even Lucifer seems confused by Satan’s state.

Satan doesn’t realize how tightly he’s holding the fork in his hand until it snaps in half causing Asmo and Belphie who are seated next to him to flinch.

Satan looks down. He opens his hand and sorrowfully stares at the broken fork laying in his palm.

After all, sorrow is not an expression you’ll see on the Avatar of Wrath so often. Especially in a room filled with people who’s eyes are on him.

He doesn’t say anything as he drops the fork pieces onto the table.

He doesn’t say anything when he gets up and walks out of the dining hall.

And no one says anything to him.

“I hate you all! I hate you - I hate you!” Satan claws at the walls as he flings the portraits off the walls and tears them to bits.

“Someone get Lucifer before he wrecks the whole place!” Asmo yells out doing nothing to stop Satan from releasing his wrath.

Beel nods and hurries off to get Lucifer

“He’s going crazy again-“ Levi sighing as he dodges the various things thrown his way.

“What’s with all the ruckus?!” Mammon rushes into the room before seeing the chaotic scene in front of him.

“He’s uncontrollable!” Asmo tells him.

“What happened?!” Mammon asks bewildered as a small Satan continues to ensue damage,”Satan buddy it’s time to calm down!”

Asmo gives Mammon a guilty look,”We may have…said a couple things …but how were we suppose to know he was listening in?!”

Mammon flashes them a dirty look as he stands behind Satan who’s currently smashing a bunch of things before standing before a statue of probably the Demon Lord.

“Satan.” Mammon tells him,”It’s time to stop. Lucifer is gonna get mad.”

Satan immediately tries to claw out Mammon,”Stop that! Stop pitying me!”

Mammon takes a step back and just barely misses Satan’s attack,”What are yer talking about I don’t pity ya! Your my little brother, and I care about you- But you need to calm down now before someone gets hurt.”

“Everyone here hates me!” Satan yells,”Everyone!”

“We don’t hate ya- they’re just scared of ya!” Mammon tells,”But I’m not- I promise ya-nothing is gonna happen to ya- so put the statue down bud.“

“I didn’t ask to be here!” Satan admits out loud as tears spill out his eyes. He chokes back sob,”I didn’t ask to be born- I didn’t ask- I don’t - I don’t want to be here- I don’t- I wish I could just die-“

Mammon’s face falls into despair as he stares at the boy with disbelief.

The other brothers sharing a look of guilt beyond measure.

Satan can’t help but sigh in his library. Yet another painful memory. But it can’t be helped. Satan struggled with identity problems for the longest.

It had to happen eventually. Despite it all, he was able to develop better relationships with his brothers afterwards.

However…

Why is it.. that Satan feels like he’s missing the true meaning behind the return of these memories?…

He’s missing something.

Something is missing.

Someone?

Its confusing. It’s been this way for a while now.

Whatever it is, it’s always missing.

And he wants it so badly

he yearns for whatever it is.

But what is that?

—

The day of the festival came sooner than he would’ve liked.

If he hadn’t been on edge, perhaps he could’ve taken in the breathtaking visual of the festival his brothers were shockingly able to conjure.

Everyone put in so much effort..

Satan..not so much..

He found himself uneasy the moment more and more families began to show up.

But he tried to push those feelings away.

He could feel his brothers keeping an eye on him.

Considering his actions lately, he couldn’t blame them since he couldn’t entirely explain them either.

He should at very least pretend to be enjoying himself.

“Satan.” Lucifer calls out from behind.

“What?” Satan asks.

“Are you…enjoying yourself at the festival?” Lucifer asks him.

Satan looks at him bewildered. What reason could he have for wanting to know Satan’s opinion?

It pisses him off.

“What do you think?” Satan replies in a bitter way. It seems this is the only way he’s been responding to anyone nowadays.

“Are you upset?” Lucifer asks genuinely curious.

“That doesn’t concern you.” He tells Lucifer.

“Well I’m your eldest brother. It does concern me to some extent.” Lucifer tells him,”Your behavior has been..quite abnormal these past few weeks.

“If you’re going to lecture me I’m not in the mood. ” Satan tells him,”So leave me alone.”

Why do his words strike him in such a negative way.

Lucifer let’s out a sigh,”Your brothers are worried about you-“

That’s when Lucifer’s D.D.D goes off. He excuses himself briefly but tells Satan to stay put before answering the call.

After a moment Lucifer hangs up the call.

“It seems that Mammon needs help with setting up the last tent.” Lucifer tells him.

Satan doesn’t know why he feels a burning tension. That same feeling. Itching away at him.

“Whatever.” Satan replies wanting to quickly escape from whatever the hell is happening to him.

“Satan-“Lucifer calls out to him but is ignored as Satan rushes through the crowd.

Why is he acting like this?

Why does his chest feel heavy?

Ugh, he needs to find something to do. Otherwise he might do something he regrets.

Soon enough Satan finds himself in a lonelier part of the festival. It’s much quieter, much to his delight.

He’s able to catch his breath as he leans against a the wall, just tucked between some booths.

He crosses his arms and let’s out another deep sigh as he watches families walk by with their children.

That feeling came back.

He watches as a kid is picked up in the air by his father and placed on his shoulders with a cheerful smile.

“This is like totally the best day ever!” The little boy says to his father.

His father smiles back at him,”I agree. It’s been a while since we’ve been able to hang out like this right bud? Well I promise from now on— we’ll hang out a lot more alright?”

“Alright!! Oh dad hey! that looks good! Can we try that??” The boy points to a nearby food stand.

“Of course we can. You can have whatever you’d like, I love you so much kiddo.”

“I love you too dad!”

And the voices fade away. Leaving Satan in a state of confusion and chaos.

The scene replays over and over in his head.

He could feel it, in the pit of stomach, along his chest, and around his heart. That feeling.

It’s not jealously ..it’s not.

He feels it with his brothers ..

And he feels it the most when he’s with Lucifer.

___

somehow he’s emptier than before.

He’s pretty sure his brothers are looking for him.

Considering that they were suppose to meet up an hour ago. It makes sense that they would be blowing up his phone nonstop.

The phone he’d put on silent to avoid seeing anyone.

Because if his brothers were to see the state he were in. He’s almost certain he’d explode.

And he’s trying really hard not to.

He runs his fingers through his hair anxiously tugging away to relieve tension.

His crazed state, making hyper aware of anyone who walks by or speaks near him.

The anxiety and sheer anger coursing through his veins.

Why is he overreacting to something he already knew?

Why was he feeling this way after so many years?

He knows the truth of his birth, he knows who he is.

He’s been through this before- he’s had this sort of meltdown before- but it’s different -why is it different?

Why does he keep asking the same damn questions -it’s pissing him.

It’s making him angry!

He doesn’t know- he doesn’t know!

Sooner or later his brothers are going to find him here, he should move from here.

He should probably leave the area entirely because if he doesn’t he’s afraid of what he might do.

So he gives himself a few moments to relax before he moves from his spot.

He walks by the crowd of people in a hurry, occasionally receiving a strange look or two. After all he looks like he just committed a crime.

He’s finding it really hard to keep his composure.

It’s getting harder to breathe

He feels himself claw slightly at his collar.

It’s suffocating.

“Satan! I found him guys!” He hears one of his brothers call out from a distance. He’s not sure which one it is. He can’t think properly.

He walks faster.

His breath quickens and his heart races. He needs to get ahold of himself.

He hears certain footsteps approach him in attempts to catch up to him but he refuses to turn their way.

Then he feels a hand on his grab ahold of his arm.

When he turns, he meets eyes with Asmo.

“H-Hey we’ve been looking for you ….” Asmo says as his own worry begins to grow more and more let’s out a small whisper,”What’s wrong?… you look like you’ve been-”

Satan pulls his arm away from Asmo in a harsh way.

“Leave me alone.” Satan let’s out in a threatening tone as he tries to walk again.

“No!” Asmo yells out as he grabs Satan’s arm again,”I’m not letting you go! I don’t know what’s going on with you but I won’t leave you! Not this time!” Asmo declares as more of his brothers begin to approach,”I don’t care if you hurt me you’re my brother - just watch the face -“

Satan stays silent for couple moments. Everything seems to move at a slower place rather than before.

All those feelings he had just now replaced by rage and disgust.

His brother is just trying to offer him some consultation.

So why does he hate it so much?

“Is that suppose to comfort me?” Satan asks him with a harsh expression causing the younger brother to flinch away.

“Hey what’s going on?” Belphie says with concern.

“Satan..you don’t look so good.” Levi tells him as Beel hums in agreement, looking at his brother with concern.

Satan grunts as he let out sound of annoyance,”I’m going back home.” He tells them as he crosses his arms ,”Not in the mood.”

Sure, as if he wasn’t just mere moments from destroying everything his brothers worked hard for.

“You can’t leave! Diavolo said we could have the rest of the night off- so we can have fun together as a family -“Belphie tells him.

For some reason, the word family lingered in Satan’s head.

He turns around and walks away from his brothers.

The last thing he hears is Levi let out a sigh

”Man..where’s Mammon or Lucifer when you need them.”

___

Satan is tired.

Exhausted?

To have so many feelings at once then feel nothing at all CONSTANTLY- is draining.

he just wants to go home.

Back to the library.

His room.

His comfort place.

Because believe it or not the Avatar of Wrath has a comfort place.

One where he was able to escape his daily life back in the day, even for a brief moment.

He finds himself walking through the crowds toward the exit.

He’s almost out of this god forsaken place.

He’d apologize later, after this damn festival ends.

Everything will be fine

It has to.

Everything will return to normal.

Because he doesn’t know what he’ll do if it doesn’t.

And then.. the most damning thing happens.

He hears it.

A familiar sound, from a distance.

His heart begins to pound dramatically.

His skin crawls with disgust.

He figures out the cause of all his problems.

And Satan can’t stop himself from moving in its direction.

He’s breathing is heavy once again.

And then he sees him, he sees the man responsible for his distress.

And he sees that man kneeling to a young boy, the boy from before.

“Are you lost?” Lucifer asks him in a gentle voice.

“I-i don’t know where my dad went.” The little boy cries out.

“My name is Lucifer, I’m in charge of the event here. If you’d like we can go find him together. I was looking for someone as well.”

“My dad…he said not to trust strangers.” The boy says hesitatingly.

Lucifer only chuckles,”Your dad taught you well then. Yes it’s true, never trust a stranger wholeheartedly. So how about this,” Lucifer offers his hand out to the boy,”How about we look for him together. There’s plenty of people around and if you feel uncomfortable at any point we can just wait together.”

The boy looks at Lucifer, unsure if it’s the best decision.

And that’s when Lucifer does the most damning thing.

He smiles.

He smiles so fondly at the young boy. Satans not sure he’s seen that expression before.

He pats his head gently,”So how about that?”

The boy nods and takes Lucifer’s hand gently,”O-okay!”

Satan stays still as he watches the events unfold in front of him.

The feeling finding it’s way around his heart once more.

He finds himself holding his chest tightly.

Why is it that he feels like he’s going to implode at any given moment??

Thump Thump Thump

Including himself.

Oh that feeling.. the one he wasn’t sure about.

He knows what it is now.

It’s resentment.

“Satan?” Lucifer asks from a distance, becoming aware of his younger brothers presence.

He’s aggrieved.

Lucifer is unsure of what to make of his younger brothers expression as he instinctively steps in front of the younger boy.

“Satan..”Lucifer warns.

Why are people starting to hurry away from the area?

When did Satan change into his demonic form?

He’s not sure.

But he doesn’t care.

Because all he feel now, is wrath.

He doesn’t remember anything after that.

তততততততততততততততততততততততত

Pt.2

Hi! It’s me! The author lolol. I didn’t expect this to be as long as it did but I have plans to write a PT.2 so don’t ya worry bout a thing! I just figured it’d be better to write a separate part as this became pretty lengthy.

Dunno if it’ll be as long as this one but I hope you enjoyed it either way< 3,

I’ll probably upload this on ao3 as well!

I haven’t written anything I’ve published in quite a long long time. Which includes other fandoms I’m in. So if I missed important tags feel free to let me know and I apologize for any mistakes I may have made!

I don’t plan to fix any errors until after I finish part 2. Should have it maybe by the end of the day or tomorrow! Who knows

OH AND IM OPENING REQUESTS IF YALL WANNA SLIDE THRU

Side note: do y’all think satan would listen to “What Was I Made For?” On blast ??? Or

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