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ptergwen · 4 years

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heartbreaker

warnings: angst, swearing, drinking, and smut OK WOW

summary: never have i ever with your ex and current boyfriends is an interesting experience

a/n: excuse me for taking such a long ass time on this but super big shoutout to whoever requested it for being patient <3 i’ve been trying to write what y’all would actually be interested in so don’t be shy tell me what you want to read!! also italics are flashbacks and as always i hope everyone enjoys hehe

“never have i ever...” harry purses his lips and looks around at your table, “cheated on schoolwork. successfully.” everyone easily takes a sip of their beers, except harrison. you snort and tilt your bottle to where he’s sitting across from you.

“haz, how are you the only one?” “because this div used to copy all my shit in year eleven, and i’d be the one to get in trouble for it.” he elbows tom’s side, tom nudging him back. “should’ve turned yours in first, bro.” rolling his eyes, harrison bends the rules of the game by sipping his drink.

their silly bickering makes you realize how much you’ve missed hanging out with the boys like this. it makes you realize you how much you’ve missed the boys in general. the last time you even saw tom, really saw him, was for a catch up lunch. you had to rush it because he was in between onward press junkets.

before that was the day he left to film cherry, almost a year ago. it’s not at all something you like to remember. dwelling will just set you back, and you’ve come too far to let that happen. as far as one can go when the person they gave their whole heart to breaks it.

now you have luke, and tom has anyone in the world he wants. it’s a new relationship. you’ve only been seeing luke for about three months. you met him while buying some post-breakup ice cream. he randomly started a conversation with you on the line. you bonded over your hatred for chocolate and ended up trading numbers. since you’re slowly getting more serious, you invited luke to the pub tonight.

the meet the friends stage is an important one, and it’s not often that one of your closest would be available for it. tom’s thoughts and opinions still mean a lot to you. you’ll always love him, even if it’s not in the same way you once did. you know he’ll always love you right back. that’s why he did what he did in the first place. that’s what he told you, at least.

you spot luke searching for your table in the pub not too much later. sitting up straighter for him to see you, you wave him over. none of the boys knew that he was coming tonight, so you’re a bit nervous about what they might say. you just hope they’ll like each other as much as you like all of them.

“hey, y/n.” luke leans down and kisses your cheek. you smile up at him, scooting over in the booth to give him room to sit. you’re in between him and tom now. it’s pretty metaphorical if you think about it. “hi. good day?” “yeah, and super busy. i’m luke,” he reaches out his hand for any of the boys. harrison gives him a friendly shake. you haven’t noticed the way tom has been looking at you this whole time.

it’s like he wants to say something, but he’s biting his tongue.

harry shakes luke’s hand, then tom. he uses a firm grip paired with his signature lips pressed together smile. “good to meet you, man. what do you do again?” “i’m in journalism, so mostly chase people around all day.” tom clicks his tongue in a way that sounds like he approves. you’re not exactly sure what’s going through his head at the moment, but it seems to be good things so far.

“he’s just taking the piss. your writing is seriously amazing, luke. don’t downplay it.” you lean into the arm he outstretches across the back of the booth. he lets his hand move to your shoulder and pulls you in closer.

tom stares down at the floor. his leg bounces next to yours, one of his nervous habits you’ve become familiar with. picking up on his brother’s mood change, harry clears his throat to change the subject.

“let’s keep playing never have i ever. we were enjoying that earlier.” “great, i’ll go get everyone another round,” harrison volunteers himself and takes off for the bar. that was obviously his way of escaping the sudden awkwardness that came about.

you tap tom’s foot lightly with your own, making him look up at you. “doing okay over there?” “‘’m fine. my jetlag picked a bad time to act up, is all,” he lamely excuses himself and shifts the tiniest bit away from you.

you’ve seen jetlagged tom plenty of times, and this isn’t him. something else is clearly on his mind. you’d call him out on it and have a heart to heart, but it isn’t your place to do that anymore. you’re both still adjusting to the whole friends thing. it’s going to take time to get back to how close you were, especially with different boundaries in place.

harrison comes back with fresh beers and sets them down on the table. each of you grab one. tom immediately chugs half of his without bothering to wait for the game to continue. you’re not in the mood to watch him act like this, so you turn to face luke. that only encourages him to drink some more. harry is the one who steps in and pulls his bottle away.

“easy there, alcoholland. you gotta save some for when we play.” “right.” tom wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, eyes already glossy. this isn’t how tonight was supposed to go.

“speaking of,” harrison starts, overly cheerful to make up for the way his friend is behaving. “it’s my turn.” “go for it,” you force a smile at him and swish the beer around in your glass. “this’ll definitely be good. never have i ever gone skinny dipping.”

the heat that rises to your cheeks gives you away before you can take a sip. with a shit-eating grin, tom snatches his beer out of harry’s hand. “gonna need this back, baby bro.” you shyly pick up your drink, tom and harrison being the only others who are guilty. harrison clinks his glass with yours, then you’re both gulping down your poison.

luke playfully raises his eyebrows at you when you’re finished. “i’m sorry, y/n, but i have to hear this story. you went skinny dipping?” cockiness absolutely oozing out of him, tom cuts in. “we went together, actually. i can help her tell this one.”

you spare everybody the explicit details of what happened, but it isn’t hard to guess them. tom is thankfully mature enough in the moment to not reveal much. now that luke knows the story, it feels like there’s tension between him and tom. he’s just too nice to let it show.

taking notes from tom, you impulsively finish off the rest of your drink in hopes of clearing your mind. you earn looks of concern from everyone except the man of the hour. he’s enjoying messing with you.

“that was a fun night, huh?” tom smirks at you. you close your eyes and rub your temples. sensing how off everything is, harrison leaves the table again to get you another drink. he sure has a talent for that.

you’re not sure why tom has to be such an ass tonight of all nights. you’ve already told him about you and luke before, actually he was the first person to know. he should’ve expected to meet him at some point. maybe then, his coping mechanism wouldn’t be getting drunk and making both of you look stupid.

“you okay?” luke nudges your shoulder with his hand. you give him a tight lipped smile. “yeah. sorry about all of that.” “no, it’s fine. i’m a big boy.” he glances over at tom, who’s poking harry’s cheek with a spoon. jesus christ.

harrison brings over another beer for you and a water for tom. you take your drink and push tom’s over to him. he decides to be immature and drops the spoon to switch your glasses. drunk tom is a child.

“are you serious right now? you need to learn when to cut yourself off.” you switch them again, taking a sip of your beer before tom can take it from you. he huffs and drinks his water like you said. you’re only doing this because you care about him. he’s probably too gone at the moment to understand that. if he’s going to think you’re a buzzkill for helping him out, oh well.

“so, babe,” luke makes a point to stress the word, “how about you do the next round of the game?” he leans into you again. you still haven’t taken your eyes off of tom.

“sure,” you agree absentmindedly. “um, never have i ever...” tom smiles lazily at you when he notices you’re looking at him. you forgot that drunk tom is also cute, but you’re not supposed to think that way anymore. not about him. you clear your throat. “never have i ever given myself a really bad hairstyle?”

everybody takes a drink this time, tom finishing his water. you’ve styled your hair in so many awful ways so many times, but only one comes to mind. it’s technically tom’s fault.

“come on, y/n/n, let me do it. i’ll even say please. please?” tom all but begs you for the third time. you look up at him from your phone to see him making puppy eyes at you. saying no to those is physically impossible.

you’ve been on hold with your hair salon for almost half an hour trying to make an appointment. they’re normally never this busy, but you really need to go. a person can only let their ends become so split.

for some reason, tom decided he wants to be a hairdresser today. he keeps offering to cut your hair for you instead. you’re not so sure you trust him with scissors, but he won’t stop asking about it unless you let him try. plus, this could be interesting.

you end the call with a sigh. perking up, tom grabs your hands. “so? that’s a yes?” “don’t make me regret this, tom.” he pulls you off the couch by your hands and leads you straight to the bathroom.

“should we wash it first? i think that’s what they do.” he turns on the sink, then goes into the shower to get your hair products. you lean back against the counter and watch him set up. you’re starting to feel kind of nervous about this. tom is usually good at everything he attempts, but something as permanent as a haircut, you’re not sure about.

“relax a bit, darling. you’ll be fine.” tom ruffles your hair with his fingers, making you crinkle your nose. “if it looks bad, no i won’t.” “it’s just hair.” he gets a towel off the rack and drapes it around your shoulders. you look at your hair in the mirror one more time, then lean back so your head is under the faucet. “you’re the one who uses a bottle of hair gel every day.”

“anyways,” you can hear the eye roll in tom’s voice. “let me know if the water’s too hot or too cold.” “nah, it’s good.” he opens your shampoo and squirts some into his hand. “see, i know what i’m doing.” you hum in response, tom’s fingers combing through your hair to make sure it’s wet enough.

you lift your head up from the water so tom can do the shampoo. it feels good, like you’re getting a massage but on your scalp. tom notices your small smile as he eases you down to rinse it out. “enjoying yourself?” you open an eye to see a smug look on his face. “for now, yeah.”

after all the shampoo is gone, tom starts with conditioner. he pulls all your hair to one side and runs through it with a brush a few times. you’re honestly impressed he knows what he’s doing. he must have learned from watching you do your own hair. he puts in the conditioner and twirls a loose strand of hair around his finger, letting it sit for a bit.

“i’ll admit it, you’re actually good at this,” you reach up and poke at his chest. tom pokes your cheek back, then gathers all of your hair again. “mm, thanks. you should let me do your hair for you more often.” “that’ll depend on if you can cut it.” with a chuckle, he lets the ends of your hair fall under the water again.

your hair all washed, tom helps you stand back up. he takes the towel from over your shoulders and uses it to scrunch your hair up. it falls over your face. you know he’s trying to do it so it stays in place, but that’s not what’s happening.

“i’ll do this part, babe,” you laugh to yourself and flip your head over. “pfft, yeah, i was totally gonna try that next,” tom jokes, searching through a drawer for scissors while you wrap your hair. he opens and closes them before dropping them on the counter.

“wanna sit? i don’t know how long this’ll take.” “oh, god. sure.” tom easily lifts you up by your waist and sits you on the counter. you giggle a little at the gesture. he’s full of surprises today. “there you are, m’lady. let’s get started.” he takes the towel off your head and squeezes your hair out with it one more time. pouting, you grab a few strands. “i’ll miss you guys so much.”

”stop it, i’m not even cutting that much off,” tom groans and stands in between your legs. you put your hands on his shoulders. “that’s the plan, but knowing you, you’ll end up giving me, like, a mohawk.” “you think i know how to do that?” your legs wrap around his waist, scooting yourself closer to the edge of the counter. “i hope not.”

tom wraps an arm around your waist and gives you a wicked smile. you probably should’ve asked him to section off your hair so he could cut it evenly, but it slipped your mind. he splits your hair in half the best he can and picks up the scissors. you’re facing him, so you can’t see what he’s about to do in the mirror.

“i’m gonna count to three, okay? one, two, three.” tom takes half of your hair and starts cutting it in a straight line, which is already a problem. it ends up creating this weird zigzag look that can’t be saved by just him. he realizes his mistake after he’s already holding your hair. “oh, shit..” he puts down the scissors and covers his mouth with his free hand. your eyes go wide. “what? what did you do?”

“i- i, um, we can fix it,” he tries, backing away before you freak out. you hop off the counter and turn around to see what happened. it’s long in the back and too short in the front. how did he mess up this bad in not even two minutes? you gasp and touch your disaster of a haircut.

“tom, what is this? it looks... i don’t even know what to say!” you spin back around, pointing at your half cut hair. he winces when he sees it again. “i’m so sorry, y/n/n. i thought-“ “no, you didn’t! you thought nothing! your mind literally must have been empty.” you sit on the floor with your head in your hands, tom crouching down in front of you.

“look at me, darling.” he puts a hand on your back. you scowl up at him. “it’s really not that bad. you’ll figure out a way to make this work.” “you’re so helpful,” you mumble, leaning your head forward so it’s resting on his chest. you’re being dramatic. he was trying to do something nice for you, and it’s not like this was on purpose. tom rubs circles on your back, you nuzzling your cheek into his shirt.

“should i leave the other side, or would that be worse?” “i can do it for you.” “absolutely not.”

“i could only wear my hair up for months because of you,” you laugh to tom, warming up to him again from the memory. he puffs some air out of his cheeks with a smile. “be happy you didn’t ask for bangs.” “that’s because i’d never be able to pull them off.” tom messes with your hair so it’s over your eyes, you pushing his hands away with a breathy laugh. “not true.”

luke shifts in his spot next to you to remind you he still exists. you glance over at him and move your hair out of your face. “um, what was yours?” “i dyed my hair orange once. ginger definitely isn’t my look,” he jokes. it seems like he’s just trying to compete with tom now. you muster up a small chuckle for him anyway.

“tom, you haven’t gone yet,” harry points out, picking up his glass. tom considers the fact for a second. “true, but it’s not much fun if i don’t get to drink. can i get another since i’m behaving?” he juts his bottom lip out at his brother. harrison lets out a long sigh. “mate, i really don’t feel like getting up again. take a break.”

you slide your beer over to tom without a second thought. “you can share mine.” he looks at you like you said something wild. “are you sure we should do that?” he’s clearly referring to luke and how he might take it. at this point, it doesn’t matter to you. luke has been acting off since you started playing, and you’re not going to let him ruin your time with your friends.

you shrug your shoulders and tap the glass. “i’m the one who suggested it. drink up.” he hesitates, but takes it.

“ok, never have i ever gotten kicked out of somewhere.” harrison shakes his head and harry rests his chin in his hand, bummed he can’t drink. luke raises his hands up in surrender. that leaves you and tom. you know exactly what he’s thinking about right now. he takes a sip of your beer and hands it back to you, you finishing off the rest of it.

tom brought you to a super fancy restaurant for date night. it’s one of those places that has their own dress code and mood lighting. here you are, sat across from him in your most uncomfortable pair of heels and picking at course three of your meal; a bland salad. tom isn’t thrilled with it either, so you don’t feel too bad.

you rarely get the chance to go out for dinners like this because of tom’s ever-growing schedule, so you’re giving this place a try to make up for it.

“i wanna ask if they have dressing, but i’m scared i’ll get yelled at,” you murmur to tom, stabbing a piece of lettuce with your fork. he bites his cheek. your look of disgust makes a giggle slip out of him. “try holding your breath so you don’t taste it,” tom suggests, fiddling with a button on his jacket to stall from eating.

you take a big gulp of water in hopes of cleansing your tastebuds. tom looks at you from over his cup, doing the same. it’s so hard to take this seriously. “i know you wanted to take me somewhere nice, baby, but this kinda sucks.” you whisper the last part. “you’re right. i’ve heard great things about their dessert, though.”

“we’d find out if they didn’t take five years to serve us every course,” you laugh a little too loud at your own joke. an older woman with diamonds around her neck shoots you a glare. tom finally cracks, joining in your laughter over the situation. your waiter comes back at that moment, and he’s less than pleased by the behavior from both of you.

“is everything okay over here?” he asks sharply. “we’re, uh, we’re fine. thank you,” tom hides his laugh with a cough and makes an overly serious face. your waiter places a check on the table. “we didn’t ask for this yet,” you tell him politely. “i’ve heard several complaints about you two throughout your meal, so i’m going to have to ask you to leave.” he explains, handing you a pen to sign the check.

tom’s fake serious face is now a real serious face.

“you can’t-“ “let us pay for what we had, and we’ll be on our way.” you take tom’s arm from across the table. he would’ve pulled the ‘do you know who i am?’ card without you stopping him. your waiter walks away and goes to serve someone else.

“i can’t believe they’re kicking us out. this is so unfair,” tom complains, but gets out his wallet. he grabs the pen from you to take care of everything. “to be fair, we were being pretty annoying. we didn’t even like our food,” you try to reason.

tom does his signature and leaves money on the table. he’s going to be sulking about this the rest of the night. you stand up with your arm still linked in his and walk him over to the exit. he squeezes you closer to him on your way to the car.

“that was disappointing,” tom speaks again once you’re in the car. he rests a hand on your thigh. you put yours on top of his. “and funny. the only thing is, i’m still hungry.” “yeah? how about we go for burgers?”

you’re in the mcdonald’s parking lot eating your second dinner not too much later. it’s a lot better than your first. your heels are kicked off, your feet on the dashboard while you and tom eat and listen to your favorite songs.

tom steals one of your fries and shoves it in his mouth, sticking his tongue out at you after. that earns him a flick from you. “you have your own fries, weirdo!” “yours taste better somehow. here, i’ll trade you.” he lifts the bun off his burger so you can have his pickles. he knows you so well.

“can i tell you something?” tom asks all of a sudden. you stop eating and turn down the radio with a nod. “i know this isn’t as cool as fine dining, but i’m happy we get to have these moments together. wish they could last a little longer,” tom admits to you while staring out the window. you bring his hand up to your lips and kiss it.

“i’ve had so much fun tonight, and every night i spend with you. i don’t care about some gross rich people food. the only thing that matters is is being together, okay?” tom grins at your words, then leans forward and presses his lips to yours. it’s a short but sweet kiss. it’s a kiss that says the words he doesn’t have. “love you, y/n. thank you.” “i love you.”

you and tom are doubled over, giggling like kids with your heads bent together. you’re both pretty buzzed from your drink. you try to get yourself together, but he makes eye contact with you and you bust into another fit of laughter. even harry and harrison join in. it’s nice to finally have all of you getting along.

“i think it’s time to head out,” luke announces, moving to get up from the booth. you turn to him and wipe under your eyes. “oh, ok. i’ll text you later?” “you’re not coming?” he sounds more bitter than surprised. “i’m gonna get a ride back with tom when he’s ready to drive. it’s too early for me.”

luke fully sits himself back down and places his almost full glass in front of tom. all the boys are looking at you, but you have no idea what‘s happening. “why’d you do that?” you ask just to him. “i’ve changed my mind. i’m staying for another round of the game.”

you have a bad feeling about whatever he’s going to say. he’s been salty about you and tom all night, as if he didn’t know you’re still friends. it’s not like him at all. not the him you thought you knew, anyway.

“never have i ever,” luke intentionally directs the question at tom, “broken up with the most amazing girl so i could make shitty movies and fuck models. i wonder who’s done that.”

everyone stays silent. you could swear you’ve just been knocked sober. tom gets up from the table without a word, not bothering to wait for harry and harrison to move. he ignores them telling him not to go and steps over them. he’s out the nearest exit of the pub before anyone can stop him. you want to go after him, but you’re stuck in the middle of the booth.

your ‘boyfriend’ put his jealousy before your feelings for the last time tonight.

“what the fuck, luke?”

“are you sure you have everything? you remembered all your stuff from security?” you hold tom’s hand impossibly tighter as you get close to his gate.

he leaves today to film cherry in the states. you’re dropping him off at the airport like you always do, but something feels different about this time. it seems like a more permanent goodbye.

“mhm, it’s all here.” tom squeezes your hand back. you stop walking when you reach the sign that has his gate number on it. this is it. the last time you’ll see him for who knows how long? he stands his suitcase up off to the side and moves so he’s in front of you.

his arms are around your neck now, hugging you so close. you wind your arms around him so there’s no space between you two. he rests his chin on your shoulder, letting out a breath. “gonna miss you so much, baby. fuck, i hate this.” “it’s okay, tom. we’ve done it before. we’ll be okay.” you’re trying to convince yourself and him.

he pulls back from you and holds you by your waist. you stay flush against his chest, grabbing on to his hoodie. you don’t trust yourself to look at him right now.

“y/n, i can’t keep doing this to you,” tom says into your ear, his voice oddly steady for such a big thing to say. “doing what? you mean your job?” your fingers play with his hoodie strings. “i’ll be fine. i always am.” “that’s the thing. i don’t want you to just be fine all the time.” he can’t be saying what you think he is. you shake your head against him.

“you should be happy. it’s not fair that i make you settle for less.” “tom, stop.” you move off of him completely, your throat getting tight. “we’ve already talked about this. you do make me happy, even if it’s from another country sometimes. i don’t care.” he takes your hand again.

“this is something i’ve been thinking about for a while, honestly. it’ll be good for both of us.” “i- what are you trying to say?” tears are already clouding your vision. tom lets go of you. “we need to break up, y/n.”

you can feel your entire heart shatter into millions of tiny little pieces. this isn’t happening. not now. not ever. he’s not leaving you so easy.

you’re crying in the middle of the airport for everyone to see, and tom isn’t too far behind you. “i thought you loved me,” you manage to get out. tom chokes back his tears and wipes yours instead, his thumbs running over your cheeks. “i do, angel. i love you so much that it’s hurting me to say goodbye.” “then why can’t we make it work? please,” you lean into his touch for probably the last time.

“because you deserve more. i’m away all the time, and there are things i can’t give you. you deserve someone who’s here for everything.” tom’s fingers trail down to grab your chin gently, you looking up at him with bloodshot eyes.

“i want more for you, y/n.” “i have you. that’s all i want, tom.” neither of you say anything for a good minute. tom almost gives in, you can see it. you whimper when he grabs the handle of his suitcase instead.

“this is because i love you. i... i need you to understand that.” his voice is soft. you wish he could’ve done this way earlier since he was planning on it. “it’s all happening so fast.” tears are dripping down your cheeks and chin. you want to reach for tom, but there’s no point. his mind is made up. an announcement plays through the airport that tom’s flight is boarding.

“i really don’t wanna leave you like this, but i have to go. i’ll call you after i land, okay?” who are you to stop him now? “o- okay. be safe.” tom presses a kiss to your forehead, letting it linger for a few seconds. he puts his hood up and turns around. you watch him walk to his gate. this is the first time he’s left you without looking back.

you start making your way to the parking lot as soon as he’s gone. it takes everything in you not to scream and sob the whole way back. none of this feels right. if you both still love each other, you should be together.

after the longest walk of your life, you get back to your car. you break down all over again.

“i’m trying to help you, y/n. it seems like you forgot what he put you through,” luke scoffs and crosses his arms over his chest. you can’t believe how he’s acting. “let’s talk about this somewhere else. sorry, guys,” you smile awkwardly at harrison and harry. harry waves you off. “it’s okay. we understand.”

luke gets out of the booth, you following behind and leading him over to an empty corner in the pub. your smile fades. “that was fucked up, luke. we didn’t end things for his career. you know that.” “not officially, but it definitely helped.” does he not realize how crappy that sounds? like you were holding him back?

“you’re wrong. i told you exactly what happened. everything you’re saying is some weird story you made up in your head.” “then he should’ve said that for himself.” you throw your hands up in the air. “you made him fucking uncomfortable! i would’ve left, too.” luke laughs bitterly. “he’s really good at that, you know. leaving.”

“he did it because he loves me. fuck you for joking about it, like it wasn’t something that took me a really long time to get over. it’s sad that my past makes you jealous.” there’s a beat of silence before luke says anything. “do you still love him, y/n?” you both already know the answer. “well?” “yeah. yeah, i do.” you push past him and go out the door tom left from. luke doesn’t bother following.

you’re ready to start searching for tom, but he ends up being right outside. he’s leaning against the side of the building. his head snaps up when the door opens. “didn’t mean to scare you.” you walk over to him. he sniffles and shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “‘s alright. rather you than someone else.” “tom, i’m-“ “don’t apologize.”

“i have to. the things luke said to you were really gross, and i hate that i didn’t stop him.” you take a step closer to him. “you couldn’t have predicted anything he said.” tom gives you a tight lipped smile. “he’s... not the kind of person i thought he was.” “he’s a bit of a dick, to be honest.” you giggle a little at that. you’re just relieved tom isn’t taking this too hard.

“so, he didn’t pass the friends test. i guess that’s okay since things are kind of over between us.” tom finally meets your eyes, furrowing an eyebrow. “why? what happened?” “i cursed him out. said some pretty mean stuff.” he holds out an arm for you. you let him put it around you, instantly settling into his warmth. you’ve needed this.

“you can do better. he seemed too boring for you, anyway.” you shrug your shoulders with a small smile. “i wanted to talk to you about that. i’m not really sure how to say this, so i’ll just... say it.” tom’s heart is beating so fast you can feel it next to you. “yeah?”

you turn to face him, his arm still around you. “i haven’t stopped loving you. this is bad timing because you’re about to go film uncharted, and it’s out of no where, but i thought i should tell you. it might not mean anything now-“ “come with me.” you’re both shocked by each other’s words. you laugh in disbelief, tom nodding to urge you to say yes.

“for real? you want me to go?” “i wanna work on us, and i’m not making you wait any longer. i was stupid for ever giving up. we can figure everything out, and it would only be for the summer-“ now it’s your turn to cut him off, your lips crashing into his. his eyes flutter closed as he kisses you back. he grabs your arms and both of you pull back to catch your breath.

tom kisses you again, this time softer. you smile against his lips. “god, i’ve missed doing that. i really, really love you, y/n.” “i really love you, tom.”

and just like that, he put the pieces of your heart back together.

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writingpuddle · 3 years

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The other night best friend and I (yes, that best friend) were riffing on trans Neil headcanons over the phone, but a realistic trans treatment of aftg gets dark real fast, so without further ado:

~The Mafia May Be Sexist (But It’s Not Transphobic!) AU ~

(tmmbsbintau, if you will)

Does this premise make sense? No, but if Nora can write about made up mafia sports, I can write a nonsense AU where transphobia doesn’t exist okay this is my party and ill be self-indulgent if i want to

We open with baby Neil, who was named after his maternal grandmother or smthg idk

Now lets say Neil is one of those “I always knew I was trans” kids

So even at a fairly young age he was like, nope this is wrong

For the most part his dad basically ignores him (what use is a girl to me???) but if he makes the mistake of getting in the way it’s the usual shit with knives and hot irons and basically Neil’s bog-standard Traumatic Childhood

His mom signs him up to play Exy to get him out of the house, and he loves it, because of course he does

Now tiny Neil may be terrified of his father

But remember transphobia isn’t real

So he when he’s about ten years old he tells his parents over dinner

His mom just puts her fork down and says that’s alright

But Nathan

Nathan

Nathan’s eyes start to glow

He has a son? Not a useless daughter?

He’s practically levitating with glee

And Neil, poor Neil, who has never had any positive reinforcement—from either parent, Mary, you’re not innocent in this—he soaks it up

Nathan puts both hands on his son’s—his son’s!—shoulders and dubs him Nathaniel

His son, his heir, his legacy

Mary takes one look at the possessive look in her husband’s eyes and thinks oh hell no

For the next few days Nathan absolutely showers Nathaniel with affection

He takes him to the hairdresser and buys him a whole new wardrobe, neglecting his mafia duties in order to dote upon his new son

It is possibly the happiest week of Nathaniel’s life

And then he wakes up in the night with his mother’s hand on his mouth and is given less than a minute to pack his things

Now he’s grown up in a criminal household; the notion of making a run for it isn’t exactly foreign to him

But it’s not until they’re in the car that Nathaniel realizes that his father is nowhere to be seen

Where’s dad? He asks

Shut up, his mother hisses, and slams the car into gear

From then on, he is never Nathaniel

His mother is 100% on board with his transition, but…not really anything beyond that

After all, people will be looking for a woman and a trans boy, which means Mary’s investment in Neil’s gender pretty much starts and ends with him passing as cis

She gets him all the medical treatments he needs (on the black market, since they’re on the run)—puberty blockers when he’s younger, testosterone when he’s older

But he’s never allowed to acknowledge being trans whatsoever

Not to his classmates, not to his teachers

He never gets the chance to have a queer community, or explore the nuances of his gender, because the only presentation they can afford for him to have is Masculine Cis Boy. The restriction is stifling. It’s suffocating.

Neil hates her for it

His life was, so briefly, perfect

He had his father’s love and approval for a day, a week, and he is both old enough to remember his father’s cruelty and young enough to believe that it could end

Nathan is incandescent

When he realizes what Mary has done he goes to the Moriyamas in a storm of fury

She stole my SON! He bellows

Now the Moriyama’s didn’t particularly care about Neil back when they thought he was a girl

Girls in the mafia are basically just for child-rearing, so he wasn’t a threat

So once they figure out what Nathan is talking about (this takes a sec, owing to Nathan having not previously gotten around to telling them about Nathaniel’s revelation), their first thought is that look, we might do the nepotism thing here in our family, but underlings don’t get to do the nepotism thing. Sorry, them’s the breaks

Obviously, Mary has to die—nobody’s disputing that, a woman who robbed her husband and stole his son? Only death will right that wrong—but Kengo tells Nathan that he’ll help find Nathaniel on the condition that he’s given to the Ravens upon capture

Nathan is utterly confident that his son—his son!—will perform admirably. He accepts the deal without a second thought

So they’re on the run for years and years, and Neil’s resentment towards his mother festers, but he never acts out too much, and he doesn’t contact his father

He almost does a couple times, but then he presses his hand to the iron scar on his shoulder and he can’t quite make himself go through with it

He’s sixteen when Nathan catches up with them in Seattle

There’s a shootout and Mary and Neil almost get away

But

Nathan arrives

Nathaniel! He shouts. My boy!

And Neil lurches to a stop

There is his father, walking towards him, his eyes still shining with the same fierce love and pride from when he was ten

Nathaniel, his father says. Hasn’t this gone on long enough?

Come home.

Mary is trying to drag Neil away, but he’s too fixated on his father

Can I? Neil asks. Can I really?

Of course, Nathan says. Everything is forgiven. I’ve even secured you a place on the Ravens. Didn’t you always love Exy? Come home with me, Nathaniel

Neil can barely believe it. His father is offering him everything he ever wanted. His mother has been keeping him from this, his whole life?

Why would they run?

And through this whole exchange Nathan has been getting closer, and Mary is pulling Neil back, and now he’s close enough to touch and the sound she makes is like something physical tears when she finally releases Neil and tries to flee

She isn’t fast enough

Nathan’s grin is as wide as the sun when his cleaver bites into Mary’s waist

Blood pours out

Neil screams

Mary clutches her side, staggering away, but it’s obvious she won’t make it far

Dad, no, Neil says. Don’t—

Shh, his father says. Don’t be afraid. She kept us apart all these years. She deserves to die.

And Neil—

Neil has hated his mother for most of his life

But he looks at the woman who has struggled so long to protect him—who has failed as often as she succeeded, but who fought anyway, everyday—and the man whose eyes are bright with glee at her pain

And he makes a choice

He only has a split second to see the betrayal in his father’s eyes before the pipe in his hand slams into his head and he pitches forward, unconscious

Neil does not wait to see if he survives

He grabs his mother and they run, her arm locked on his shoulder and her palm pressed to the wound on her side

Neil puts her in the passenger seat and jumps in, throwing the car in gear

You need a hospital, he says, frantic

No, she hisses, pinning a towel to her side. No hospitals

Guilt floods through him as he looks at her pale face

Sticky red handprints smear on everything she touches

I’m sorry, mom, he says, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—

Enough, she says. Drive

He drives

He drives, and drives, and he follows her instructions, and later he wouldn’t have been able to say if he actually thought she would survive; he believed it, because he had to, because he had never been without her; he knew better, because gut wounds are slow, but they are inexorable

He parks on the beach and there are tears pushing at his eyelids but he chokes them down

I’m sorry, he said, I never should have believed him. I’m sorry—

You never would have been enough for him, she says, and Neil flinches

Her hand finds his chin and she yanks him down to meet her eyes, her gaze fierce.

He never loved you, she says. He would have made you in his image, and when you failed he would have torn you apart. I would not—I would not watch him try to make my son a monster. Don’t—don’t waste it

Mom, what are you saying—

Promise me, she says

Promise you won’t go back to him

She is dying

Neil can’t refuse

He promises

She releases his face and her red fingerprints on his face burn like brands. He can feel them hours after the tears wash the blood away.

Her last few breaths are jagged as broken stones before she rattles to a stop, and Neil is alone

He burns her body and staggers out onto the road and he keeps moving, he keeps moving, because he knows if he stops he’ll shatter

His hesitation has cost him his mother’s life

But his action costs him his fathers love

In one blow, Neil broke the golden image Nathan had of his perfect son, and now all Nathan wants is to destroy him

He finds his way to Millport almost on instinct alone

He finds one of Mary’s contacts who can supply him with the hormones he needs to continue passing and squats in an empty house and speaks to none of his classmates

When the Exy team tryouts are announced, he goes, intending to only watch from a distance

Perhaps it is inevitable he’s sucked in

There is so little light in his life

Can he be forgiven for wanting one little spark?

The Foxes come for him in May, and Kevin doesn’t recognize him, because how would he? Even if they met as kids, Kevin never saw Neil post-transition

Wymack ends up telling him something about Kevin’s past and the truth about the Ravens, and Neil pales a little bit, remembering how his father had said he’d gotten Neil a place on their line-up and finally understanding why

And sometimes he looks at Kevin with blinding jealousy for the life Neil didn’t get to have, and sometimes he sees him nearly comatose with fear and drinking vodka like it’s water, and his stomach hurts thinking how cheerfully his father would have consigned him to the same fate

So canon proceeds and Neil still bitches Riko out on live TV, and Riko still manages to acquire Neil’s fingerprints

And would you believe that? The Foxes mouthy new rookie is [deadname], Nathan Wesninski’s brat?

Well, well, well

At the banquet Riko pokes and prods until Neil finally snaps, and as Dan drags the team away from the wreckage Jean grabs Neil’s arm and says, low and fast in French, You’ll meet with us later

Why the fuck would I do that? Neil demands

Because otherwise everyone will find out that the Butcher is your father

Neil can’t hide his flinch and Kevin’s eyes go wide

They flee the scene, but before they even reach Coach, Kevin is already rounding on Neil

Is it true? He croaks

Not now, Neil says

But Kevin reads confirmation in Neil’s deflection

I didn’t know [deadname] had a brother, he says

Now here is the thing

Names are obviously a touchy subject with a lot of trans people, and certainly with Neil in particular

But with everything that just happened, Neil is a bit preoccupied, and it’s been a long time since he’s associated himself with that name

Since before he stopped using it, truthfully

And so his response is out of his mouth before he can even think twice

“Who?”

Kevin nods seriously, because he is wise to the ways of mafia bosses, and it’s not exactly shocking that Nathan Wesninski had a mistress and a secret second child, especially considering his first child had been a girl

It’s several moments before Neil puts two and two together and realizes that he has inadvertently slipped through a perfect loophole

He’s failed his mother so many times, but at least this secret is still safe, and he clings to that

Neil’s gender doesn’t really affect his interpersonal relationships with the Foxes—he’s already changing out separately, so this isn’t even a whole other thing

It’s harder to hide his testosterone when he’s living in shared dorms, but he has everything in the safe and figures out the safest schedule to open it up when he’s sure Matt will be in class

Andrew finds out when they start hooking up

But remember transphobia isn’t real so it’s sort of more like Andrew goes to undo his pants and is like wait your dick is removeable? Okay.

And then he just gets on with it

So Binghamton and Baltimore happen as canon, and if Neil had ever harboured hopes that his father would forgive him and love him again, they’re broken for good when his father stalks in and sees him shivering and just grins

It is the smile of someone who has torn someone off a pedestal and is going to enjoy reducing them to dust

Nevermind that Nathan had been the one to put him on that pedestal in the first place

Stuart deus-ex-machinas us out of the maws of death and we end up back in that classic Baltimore scene with the Foxes, and they still claim him, and they still take him home

He tells them all about his mafia father and life on the run, and it doesn’t really click until later that he forgot to mention the trans thing

Not like he, you know, has to tell them, and being trans is hardly an issue in Exy since it’s co-ed, but it would probably be nice to see a real doctor instead of keep buying his hormones illegally

And moreover, he wants the Foxes to know him

So they hit the cabin in the mountains and everyone knows Neil doesn’t drink, but when Andrew pours him a shot, he takes it

Ooh, Nicky says, Is Neil about to start spilling his secrets?

Allison snorts. What secrets does he have left?

Uh, Neil says

Wait, Allison says. There’s more secrets????

Yeah, he says. Um, I’m trans

There’s a pause

Well, that’s no good, Allison said. We didn’t have a bet going on that

Everyone laughs, and Neil smiles, and he looks at the sunset and remembers his mother, and he remembers a life filled with hiding, and secrets, and loneliness

Bats swoop in the twilight beyond the cabin, and he turns towards the warmth and light inside, and he does not look back

#self indulgent trans au is self indulgent #my writing #aftg #andreil #trans neil #trans headcanons #this is actually a bit angsty be warned #i was so high on the transphobia doesnt exist part #that i forgot neils whole life is a goddamn tragedy for a seconde #tmmbsbintau

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wildernessuntothemselves · 4 years

Text

Touch Me, Tease Me | Part 4

Genre: Smut, angst

Word Count: 4.4k

Summary: You’ve made your decision, but can you follow through with it?

Warnings: femdom, mommy kink, spanking, slapping, choking, attempt at bulge kink, degradation, praise, face-sitting.

A/N: I’ve split this chapter in two because I never follow my own word so Xiaojun’s part will be in the next chapter

Photo credit

“I shouldn’t have made this stupid bet.” Hendery laments, sitting down on the bed with his face buried in his hands.

“What’s done is done.” You sit down next to him, your hand soothing up and down his back. “You’ll find someone else, sweetheart.”

“I don’t want someone else.” He replies stubbornly, taking his hands away from his face to whine at you. “I want to be with you.”

You sigh. There was no point talking him through this, he won’t hear you out right now. This is just something that he’ll need to accept. Knowing there is nothing you can say right now that will make him feel better, you cup his face sweetly and kiss him instead. It was chaste and timid at first, Hendery hesitating to fall into the kiss, sorrow swimming in his eyes. But then he closes them and dives in, pouring all his emotions into it. It broke your heart to feel his sadness and frustration as he clings onto you like he wishes it would make a difference.

You’re ripped away from the kiss suddenly, your body flying off the bed and coming into contact with someone's thin frame. His lips, way more angry, take over where Hendery’s left off. You swear you could pick this boy out of line-up blindfolded, just from the taste of his buzzing restlessness.

When you feel his hands starting to grope at your body, you push him away. "What the fuck, Yangyang?"

“Enough chit-chat. None of it is gonna change the fact that you’re dumping us so let’s just skip over the bullshit and get to the good part.” He pulls you to him again, smothering you with his mouth.

You're shocked and furious. The audacity this boy has to act so self-righteous when you’ve been nothing but sweet to him and way more forgiving than he ever deserved. Well, no more.

You tangle your hand in his hair and pull on it, pushing him to his knees. He barely gets time to yell from the pain before you’re shutting him up with a slap. "Apologize now."

He retaliates faster than you expected, his hands flying to your jeans to unbutton them, insolence just coming naturally to him.

The smack comes easier and louder this time, your hand stinging against his face. "I'm fucking sick of your shit, Yangyang." You pull him up by the hair before he has time to gather his wits. Sitting back down on the bed, you throw his body over your legs.

“No, stop.” He cries out, ever the whiny baby. You ignore him, pulling his sweats down and wasting no time in smacking your hand against his ass. He struggles even harder, squirming in your lap and almost slipping away. That’s when Hendery steps in and holds him still, locking his hands behind his back for you.

“Good boy.” You whisper quietly, placing a small kiss on Hendery’s cheek.

“I told you I’d be your best boy.” He gives you a quick peck on the lips before he sits down at your feet so he can hold Yangyang for you. The look in his eyes is brimming with meaning; regret over mistakes made, hope that you would see how good you are together, accusation that you don’t care enough about him. He was always so expressive, but you can't let yourself get lost in self doubt now. You’ve made your decision.

“You’re such a brat, Yangyang.” You turn your attention to the boy in your lap, spanking him harder. “I’ve let you get away with so many things and you’re not even a little bit grateful.”

Your hits are strong and furious, your hands tingling at the repeated impact, but Yangyang continues to resist. “It’s not my fault you’re so easy.”

The boy’s damn ass was gradually turning red, as was your hand, but he still continues to run his mouth. Deciding that you’d only be hurting yourself if you keep this up, you quickly come up with a more effective method to spank the stubborn boy.

"Hendery, my prince, go and grab that hairbrush for me, would you?" You nod your head towards your hairdresser. Hendery hesitates for second, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, before realization dawns on him and a big grin stretches across his face. He lets go of Yangyang to go retrieve the brush, and the younger boy falls out of your lap. Instead of crawling away, he sits up on his knees and grabs at your shirt.

“What are you gonna do with that?” He throws a nervous glance back at Hendery, “Mommy, what are you gonna do with that?”

Of course he’d try to sweet talk his way out of his. That’s what he always does--act like the most perfect, sweet angel once he’s faced with any consequences. Normally, you’d fall for it. You’re just so soft for him that you can’t see the fear in his eyes and not immediately try to soothe it. But not today. He needs to be taught a lesson, and this is the last time you’ll get the chance to.

“That’s cute, baby.” You bend down to peck his little nose, and he squirms uneasily. “Mommy…”

Yangyang resists when you go to pull him up to the bed, holding his weight down like a child, refusing to get up, but one sharp tug from Hendery and he’s thrown over the mattress, the older boy being significantly bigger and stronger than him. Hendery hands you the brush and goes back to holding Yangyang, tummy down on the bed.

You feel another painful lurch in your heart. Hendery was so good at reading what you wanted and doing it before you even asked. You’ll miss the easy chemistry you have between you and him so much.

"You know your safe word, baby.” You pull Yangyang’s pants and boxers off all the way down his legs and toss them to the side. “If you want this to stop, you can use it."

“Just hold on--” Is decidedly not the safeword so you go right ahead and swing your arm, hitting his already red ass with the hard and flat surface of the hair brush.

"Fuck!" He jerks forward despite Hendery’s hold on him and you fight the urge to ask him if he’s okay. You needed to be strict just this once, and you will not let his sobs make you soft.

You ignore his pained cries as long as you can, keeping your hits moderately hard, nothing too much, nothing like what he would inflict on you if he was in your position. Still, your hand shakes the harder he sobs, despite how turned on his moans were making you... and his pleas, god his pleas were delicious. You wanted to just turn him over and ride his dick. You could see how hard he was despite the pain and you wanted to smother him in pleasure until it’s the reason for his tears.

“Stop, mommy--ah--I’m sorry---please!” His voice is sharp and squeaky as he struggles against Hendery’s hold with each hit, the unyielding material of the brush a far cry from your soft and warm hand. “Ahh--please, n-no more, mom-my. No more, p-please.”

You hold on for a little longer, go just a little harder than you would normally, until his ass is entirely red and you could almost see the bruises forming on his arms under Hendery’s grip. Voice cool, you ask, "Are you crying, baby?"

“I’m s-sorry.” He sobs in that small, teary voice of his that he perfected.

"Show me." You gesture for Hendery to flip him on his back and you cradle his face, certainly not secretly fussing over his red cheeks and flowing tears.

"Stop crying, baby. Your pretty tears only make me wanna sit on your face and shut you up."

"So do it." Hendery pipes up, looking at you with heavy eyes, obviously having enjoyed the way you roughed up the younger boy. His gaze makes your insides burn and suddenly you’re aware of how wet you are.

"You're right." You cock an eyebrow at him, sitting up and slowly unzipping your pants, the button having already been undone by Yangyang before, and slide them down your legs. When you start taking off your underwear, it’s not just Hendery who’s watching you, but Yangyang too, his face dry as he focuses on your exposed skin, and you have to wonder if all the tears and pleas weren’t just another part of his act.

“He really wants it.” Hendery chuckles, helping you get over Yangyang’s face. You hover over him, making him wait on you as you take the time to kiss Hendery, punishing Yangyang for interrupting you two earlier. But, just like the brat he is, Yangyang responds by pressing his mouth to the inside of your thigh, close to your heat--his kisses far too wet and sloppy than they need to be, to remind you of what you’re pushing aside.

You break away from Hendery’s kiss with some effort. The older boy started to get a bit impatient, biting down on your lower lip in protest as you were pulling away. You nurse the now inflamed lip with your tongue and glare at him, “Behave.”

You look down at Yangyang and the overly erotic way he was kissing your thigh. “Do you want to get punished more?”

He pulls off your skin with a smack and pouts up at you. “No, mommy. Just really wanna get you off on my tongue.”

“And since when does the baby care about mommy’s pleasure? Huh?”

Yangyang frowns at you but he can’t quite mask his embarrassment. It’s no secret that Yangyang isn’t the most generous lover, always demanding more and more that he sometimes forgets about your pleasure all together.

“You don’t. You just want to butter mommy up so she’d fuck you. Isn’t that right?”

“No.” He answers in a small voice, shrinking under your gaze.

“Stupid baby.” You tut, finally lowering yourself down on his mouth. “Prove me wrong.”

He takes your words to heart and puts his all into it, eagerly trying to prove to you that he can please you. He kisses your pussy as he does your lips, passionate and a little angry, his tongue moving freely over your pussy and his lips sucking onto the sensitive skin.

Not to be neglected, Hendery pulls at the hem of your shirt, looking at you for permission before slipping it off your body. Now just in your bra, his hands tease you over it, having to palm your breasts a little coarsely to get through the thick fabric. You throw your head back, arching your body into Hendery’s hands and moving over Yangyang’s mouth.

When his hands move to your back to unhook your bra, you push him away. “No. Strip for me first.”

He smirks, easily shrugging off all his clothes before moving close to you again, his hands faltering on the strap of your bra as you take his dick in your hand, taking advantage of his nudity and close proximity. His hands shake as he unhooks your bra and you smile at him, pumping his dick leisurely. “Fuck, you’re big. All this for me?”

“Yeah.” He agrees quickly, squeezing your now free tits together. “You turn me on so much.”

Your hand passes over the tip of his dick and circles around it once before going down his length again. “Yeah? You gonna show me how much?”

A muffled groan comes out from under you and you feel Yangyang pushing his tongue into your pussy, trying to get your attention.

"Selfish brat." Hendery curses, grabbing you hips and pushing you down harder on Yangyang. "Here, you can have all her attention.”

You hear another muffled groan from Yangyang as he gets a little smothered under you, and it sends shivers up your spine. "Fuck. You're gonna suffocate the baby, Hendery."

"The brat probably loves it. Come on, baby, stop being selfish for once and make her cum.”

Yangyang’s whine is barely audible but you feel it against your pussy as he pulls his tongue out of you and licks up your pussy towards your clit, flicking it over the sensitive bud rapidly. Your pleasure is compounded when Hendery tweaks his thumbs over your nipples.

“I really wanna see you cum all over his face.” His words coax a moan not only from you but from Yangyang as well.

“Oh he likes that.” You breathe, tugging on Yangyang’s hair. “You were made for eating pussy baby. If only you weren't so selfish."

"Baby has no manners. You should’ve just pushed him down and took what you wanted from him. I bet he would’ve liked it." Hendery bends down and takes one of your nipples in his mouth.

“I sometimes think that’s what he wants.” You moan, pulling Hendery closer to you, wanting his mouth all over you and he, of course, complies without you having to voice it. His mouth moves from one breast to the other, making sure to leave bruising kisses in his wake.

“Oh, shit.” You clutch onto Hendery’s hair as he lightly tugs on your nipple with his teeth while his hands knead your breasts. “I’m gonna cum. I’m gonna--”

You feel fingers digging into your thighs and you look down to see Yangyang glaring up at you. His hands grab your waist and he moves you over his mouth, his tongue flicking over your pussy fast, determined to be the one to make you cum.

“Ahh--shit.” You cry out, grabbing onto Hendery for support as cum, your thighs shaking as Yangyang continues to swipe his tongue up and down your pussy despite the overstimulation. “Yangyang---fuck---what are--you doing--”

You lose it when he wraps his lips around your clit and sucks hard. You feel yourself cumming a second time, much harder, and you look down in disbelief to see yourself squirting over Yangyang’s face.

“Fuck.” Your entire body is shaking and you have to rip yourself away from his mouth to escape his relentless ministrations.

“I did it. I made you squirt.” He grins, swiping some of the wetness on his face with his fingers before sticking them in his mouth.

“Fuck, Yangyang.” You feel your pussy throbbing as you stare at him licking your juices off his fingers. Such a dirty boy. You were so dazed watching him that you’re caught by surprise when Hendery pushes you onto you back on the bed.

"It's my turn now, right?" He bites his lip as he spreads your legs apart, getting between them and exposing you to his hungry eyes.

“You’re obsessed with my pussy, aren’t you?” You laugh at the way he was eyeing it up.

"Fuck, yeah." He grins, his hand going to play with your clit teasingly. It was a little painful because you still weren’t over the back to back orgasms Yangyang gave you. But Hendery looks so fucking good, his dick standing tall and hard against his stomach, that you can’t wait to feel it inside you.

“Then don’t make me wait." You tug on his dick, pulling him closer and pressing it against your entrance. "Be good for me now.”

"Yes, baby." He relinquishes easily, pushing inside you.

You see Yangyang move out of the corner of your eyes, then you feel your body being pulled up so he can slip behind you and hold you in his arms. You sigh, but let him do it. "Do you ever ask permission for anything?" You look back at him and he smiles softly, his eyes crinkling up the smallest bit, and kisses you.

You break away from the kiss with a gasp as Hendery pulls out of you and thrusts back in harshly, forcing you to turn your attention on him. He grabs your face, wiping the wetness from your lips and pinning you under his heavy gaze. "Can you focus on me now, baby?"

“Yes, my prince. You have my full attention.” You relax back against Yangyang and get comfortable.

Hendery pulls your legs together and throws them over his shoulder before he grabs onto your waist and starts fucking you. It was hard enough that he is so big, but with this angle, he hit as deep into you as his dick can go, and you feel that stinging pain you always get when you're fucking him. You close your eyes and try to breathe slowly, getting used to the sting and waiting for the pleasure you know will come flooding in.

"Holy shit." Yangyang breathes against your ear, one of his hands splaying over your lower belly and you look down to see how Hendery’s dick seemed to almost bulge under Yangyang’s fingers.

"Fuck, Hendery!" You moan, grabbing onto Yangyang's thighs. "You really are big."

"Does it hurt?" You hear panic in Yangyang's voice and his hands move up to push Hendery away but you grab them before he can.

"No, baby boy, it feels fucking amazing." You grin, bringing one of his hands up to your face. You're kinda surprised at how concerned he looks. "His big cock hurts so good. But you wouldn't know about that, would you, baby?" You suck his middle finger into your mouth, making him shudder against you.

"Mommy…" He whines at your teasing, and buries his face in your neck, his breath coming out heavy as you continue to suck on his finger.

When his finger is all wet, you take it out of your mouth and guide his hand down your body, pushing it between your thighs. Dutifully, he starts rubbing your clit, his eyes peeking over your shoulder to watch Hendery pick up his pace.

Hendery didn’t look too happy with how easily Yangyang stole your attention once again, and you feel bad for neglecting the older boy. You clench your pussy around him and moan out his name a bit theatrically, but it does the trick and the frown on his face is quickly replaced with a hungry look.

"You know you fuck me the best, right?" Your sultry words make him shudder and he grabs onto your hips tighter. "Then why are you letting me go?"

Your breath stops in your throat. The genuine question in his eyes was painful. You wanted to tell him that he was perfect and that there was no real reason you weren't picking him. It's just what your heart wants. But you know Hendery and you know how he always takes everything so personal even if he pretends not to.

When you reach out to him, he drops your legs from his shoulder and wraps them around his waist, leaning down between them to get closer to you. You brush his soft hair out of his face. "You don't know how much I wish it didn't have to be this way. Please, believe me, Hendery."

You lean up to kiss him but he pulls away. Face fallen, he stares down at where your hips meet, focusing all his attention on driving his hips into you, working out his frustration through fucking you.

With hard he’s going and with Yangyang's fingers still rubbing your clit, it doesn’t take long for you to cum again. You writhe in Yangyang's hold as you orgasm, eyes squeezing shut at the intense feeling, but Yangyang doesn't make it better, his lips latching onto your neck as he sucks harsh kisses onto it, feeling his time running out.

You're forced to open your eyes again when Hendery grabs your face and tells you to look at him, his eyes imploring you for something that you shouldn’t give him. But you do, just this one time.

“Come on, my prince. Let it go.” You let all the feelings you have for him stain your eyes and permeate your words, painting a picture of what might’ve been. “I want you to cum for me.”

The breath heaves out of him and he closes his eyes, resting his forehead against yours as he cums. And suddenly he’s not holding you anymore but you’re holding him, coaxing him through the feelings racking his body. “That’s it, my sweet prince. You were so good for me.”

When he calms down, he closes the small distance between you to give you the kiss he had denied earlier, and you happily welcome it, letting him slip his tongue into your mouth and moving your lips against his eagerly.

"Mommy, I still didn't cum." Yangyang whispers meekly, interrupting you. You pull away from Hendery, breathless. "Yeah? Maybe I should leave you that way."

"No! You wouldn't."

You share a look with Hendery and he gives you small smile and nods, getting off you so you can turn around in Yangyang’s lap and push him down to the bed, climbing over him. "Why? Because you're so cute you always get away with shit? Well not this time baby."

"Besides, what use will your little dick be to me after Hendery just fucked me?” You make a point of grabbing his dick forcefully, “I wouldn't even feel it."

"Stop." He squirms, cheeks dusted red.

"Look at you. So small. " You continue tormenting him, your hand tightening around his base. "If you really wanna cum. You can fuck my hand. That’s all you deserve."

“But what will you even get out of this?”

“What will I get out of fucking you?” You snarl at him and he whimpers, cowering back into the sheets. “This is your punishment for all the shit you put me through. You don’t even get to fuck me one last time.”

“Mommy, please--” He whines cutely, but you cut him off with a slap. “No, baby, not this time. Do you want to cum or not?”

You give his member just one stroke, pushing him into giving in as his hips automatically buck up, chasing your closed fist.

"That's it. You look so pretty for me... dirty boy.” You drawl, licking your lips as you watch him desperately chasing whatever pleasure he can get from you. “That’s all you're good for, baby. Looking pretty all wrecked up. I wanna keep you just to wreck you like this every day."

“Or maybe I'd wreck you.” He grits, and for a second it seems like he might jump on you but Hendery steps in before he can, wrapping his hand around Yangyang’s neck.

“That’s enough from you.” He growls at the smaller boy, pinning him down. “You’re going to fuck mommy’s hand and you’re going to say thank you.”

“I don’t--”

Hendery clenches his hand tighter around Yangyang’s throat, “Say thank you to mommy.”

“Mommy, make him stop.” Yangyang gasps, looking at you with wide, teary eyes, but you just give him a stony look.

“Mommy, please!” He chokes out, tears spilling from his eyes once more as his hips continue to drive up into your hand. "It's t-too much...too m-much."

“Yangyang.” Hendery warns, not letting him go.

“Thank you!” Yangyang relents, shaking, and you don’t know if it’s from the tears or lack of air or the orgasm that takes over his body, staining your hand and his stomach with his release. “Thank you, mommy.”

Finally, Hendery lets him go and he falls limp on the bed. You quickly go lay down next to him and pull him into your arms. “Hush, baby, it’s okay. You did so well for me.”

“T-thank you.” He sniffles, wrapping his body around you tightly. Your eyes meet Hendery’s and you beckon for him to come closer. He does, coming to sit down next to you. He rests your head in his lap and strokes your hair, allowing you the space you need to soothe the crying younger boy.

"I don't wanna let go." Yangyang whispers after a while, and you know he doesn't just mean the embrace.

"I'm sorry, baby. That's just the way it has to be"

"No." His head shoots up, his eyes red and an angry frown on his face. "Xiaojun is just a jealous baby. Hendery and I don’t have a problem sharing."

"I mean I would rather not have to see your ass--" Hendery starts but yangyang glares at him, shutting him up. Shrugging, Hendery continues, "But yeah I wouldn't say no to an arrangement that would give the four of us what we want."

You let out a tired sigh, "There is no such arrangement. It would never work and it'll just end up getting messy."

"It's already messy. We can't just go back and pretend we never fucked you. Let's see this thing through till the end." Yangyang persists in his trademark unmerited confidence, as if he’d already figured out everything there is to figure out in the universe.

You shake your head, sitting up. "Yangyang I really like you. And you to hendery. I really, really do, but I have to do this for him. I love him."

Hendery's face crumbles and you catch a glimpse of something shiny in his eyes before he looks away. Yangyang on the other hand wasn’t interested in hiding how he felt about this.

“What you mean is that you care more about not upsetting Xiaojun than about hurting the both of us." Yangyang spits out at you, hiding behind his anger like he always does.

You open your mouth to protest but quickly shut it back up. Because isn't that the truth? You chose Xiaojun knowing it would cost you the other two, and yet you did anyway because you'd rather lose them than break his heart. It hurt you so much to let them go, but if that's the only way he'd accept the relationship then so be it.

You're pulled out of your thoughts when someone touches your hand gently, and you look up to see Hendery staring at you with pain weighing his handsome features down.

"I love you."

Your heart jumps in your throat. This was all too much--the both of them looking at you like you’ve betrayed them, Hendery heartbroken and wounded, and Yangyang sizzling with anger that you know is just there to protect himself.

You yank your hand away and quickly get off the bed before your tears can trickle down your face.

“I’m sorry.” You say in a small voice, quickly putting on your clothes and leaving the now dark and somber room.

_____________________________________

A/N: Will I stick with this ending and make the oc end up with only xiaojun? who tf knows? not me. let me know what you think anyway

#wayv smut #wayv angst #nct smut #nct angst #hendery smut #hendery angst #yangyang smut #yangyang angst #dom!reader #sub!idol

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tmntgirlie · 4 years

Text

Saviors in a Half Shell 5

“Let me get this straight. You guys were the ones who really saved the city? Twice?”

The commotion had made national news headlines for weeks years ago. The most recent occurrence was five years ago, way before Y/N had made her way to the city.

It was the sort of thing that led to many online conspiracy theories, but none of them had any solid evidence. The media led people to believe it was a man named Vernon Fenwick, who had subsequently called himself ‘the Falcon’.

How obnoxious.

“We knew we wouldn’t be accepted by the general public, and he just so happened to be working with us- it made sense,” Leonardo shrugged.

“People are so gullible,” she snorted. She shook her head. “Even I had a feeling he couldn’t have taken that thing down without help. I mean, one man? Unless it was dumb luck. I’m still trying to understand why someone wants to take over a city. A single city. What, turn it into his kingdom? He knows there are bigger and better cities out there, right?”

“Bigger and better? Oh, man! We have been so busy saving this city, we haven’t been able to finish our hip-hop Christmas album!” Mikey couldn’t have sounded more pitiful.

Y/N laughed. “I’d love to hear you guys try to rap Silent Night. Ninjas and all.”

Right as Michelangelo opened his mouth to give her a proper demonstration, he was pushed over by his red-banded brother.

“Someone’s a party pooper.”

“I just spared your eardrums,” Raph said, looking quite pleased with himself.

“What a sweetheart,” Y/N said through a snort. These guys were definitely brothers, the way they treated each other.

“Speaking of sweethearts,” Mikey grinned. “What are you going to do now? Now that you know us and all. You gonna stay here for good?”

“Mikey-” Raph growled.

Y/N just shook her head. “I have an apartment in Brooklyn I should probably get back to at some point. And a job.”

“Do you think you’re ready to get back to all that?” Leonardo asked her quietly. He still wasn’t sure what pushed you so far towards the edge- depression, that was pretty clear. Was there a more specific reason?

She shrugged again. “Have to sooner or later. It comes and goes. Good days, bad days, you know?” She looked around the room with a small smile. “Plus, if I go back to… All that, and I feel like it’s all going down the drain again- well, you guys make a mean cup of tea.”

The brothers looked between each other. It was obvious they all felt some type of way to hear that she was leaving. They had known this woman for less than twenty-four hours, and yet the thought of her leaving them left them feeling empty. She was one more human that accepted them for who they were. She didn’t run, she didn’t scream, she just accepted it.

“I took the liberty of adding our numbers to your phone,” Donatello said finally. “In case you ever need us for any reason.”

“Need a cup of tea, an escape, a friend-”

“-Boyfriend-” Mikey cut in.

Raph wasted no time knocking him over completely this time.

“I don’t think I could handle you, Michelangelo,” Y/N gave him a small smile. “You remind me of me when I was younger.”

Mikey got to his feet, dusting off his thighs. “How old are you again?”

She grinned. “Twenty-one, legal drinking age.”

He shook his head in confusion. “We’re older than you.”

“I really can’t thank you guys enough for this,” Y/N said, ignoring Mikey’s statement. “Especially you two.” She looked between Raphael and Leonardo. “Especially you two. And the Thai food of course.”

It felt like it had been an eternity since she left. It was almost dusk, it had really only been hours. Donatello gave her an extremely detailed map of the sewers, including the streets they followed, in case she wanted to come down by herself. They all figured she’d just ask for an escort, but in case she didn’t feel like it.

“And as soon as she comes into our lives, she leaves,” Michelangelo said through a dramatic sigh. “Do you think she’ll be okay?”

“She’ll be alright,” Donatello said. “I added multiple suicide hotlines and therapists to her phone when I added us.”

“She can’t just stay here forever,” Raphael grunted. “She lives up top, she belongs up there. April and Casey don’t live their lives down here with us, do they? No, they live up top with the other humans.”

Leonardo stayed quiet. They were right- she belonged up there with the other humans. She had a job, an apartment, a life- they were just four turtles that lived in the shadows. They saved her from a mistake she couldn’t go back from. What she did now was up to her.

“Maybe we should check on her tonight!” Mikey said, disrupting Leonardo from his thoughts. “Don, you got her address, right?”

“You think I’d let her leave without knowing where to find her? Do you even know me?” Donatello let out a ‘pfft’. “I have her address, her workplace, her social media profiles.”

“Isn’t that going a little too far?” Leonardo said.

“It’s all for her safety!” Mikey argued, even though the question obviously wasn’t pointed towards him.

Leonardo sighed. “Fine. We can check on her tonight.”

He tried to convince himself it was for his brothers’ sake.

“Since you did all that research on her, might as well not put it to waste. Whadoya got, Donnie?” Raph asked as he plopped back down on the couch.

Donnie pushed up his goggles, more for effect than anything. They were quite literally strapped to his head. “According to all of her profiles, she was born in Iowa and moved here a year and a half ago. No listed family members. Says here that she works for herself, doesn’t say what, but I’m seeing a portfolio right here with a bunch of different headshots.”

Mikey made his way over to Donnie’s corner, squinting at the screens. “Maybe she’s a professional photographer. Do you think she could shoot the music video for our Christmas album?”

“I have a feeling it’s more of what’s in the picture that is her job,” Donnie said slowly. “My money’s on makeup or hair.”

“What do you know about that stuff?” Raph questioned.

“Hey, if it was a photography portfolio, you’d definitely see more variety than just heads,” Donnie replied, rolling his eyes.

“Too bad we don’t need a new hairdresser,” Raph snorted, running his hand over his bald head. “Alopecia right here.”

“We’re turtles, we don’t grow hair in the first place.”

“It was a joke, Don.”

“It wasn’t a very thought out joke.”

By that point, Leonardo was no longer paying attention to his brothers. He was no judge of skills with hair, but these pictures didn’t look half bad. Maybe he needed to pay attention to pop culture a bit more to understand. Was she dissatisfied with her work?

She hadn’t mentioned a roommate. He figured she lived alone. Leo recalled April saying how expensive it was to have your own apartment in any part of New York. She couldn’t have been that bad at her job to be able to live on her own.

His thoughts were disrupted when he felt his phone buzz.

Miss me yet? - Y/N

He frowned, looking down at the screen. It had only been hours.

You guys seriously messed up my sleep schedule, I’m wide awake and it’s almost nine at night. - Y/N

Oh yeah? Almost time for us to get to work - Leonardo

Ah, the night shift. Latest I’ve worked was probably until two. I didn’t want to even think about waking up the next morning. - Y/N

You work that late? - Leonardo

I had no idea this client was going to take me eight hours. We were almost sick of each other by the end of it. - Y/N

Maybe Donnie was right. He had no frame of reference for photography, but that seemed late. Did hair related things take that long?

I’ll let you get back to work. Maybe you’ll even save another damsel tonight. - Y/N

Let’s hope I don’t have to - Leonardo

He wasn’t sure his brothers could handle two humans in twenty-four hours. Mikey would go crazy.

“Leonardo? Earth to Leonardo?”

He bounced back into reality. “What did I miss?”

“Um, our entire conversation?” Mikey said, poking him on the shoulder. “It’s your head that’s in the clouds today.”

He sighed. “What, then?”

“April says she has a lead on the Purple Dragons,” Donnie said, turning towards them. “They’re hitting several spots tonight. We need to get going.”

“Alright, you know the drill,” Leonardo said loudly. “What are we waiting for?”

He didn’t have to ask twice.

Meanwhile, Y/N was settling back into her apartment. She regretted leaving it in such a mess the night before. It had taken her until now to finally get it straightened up enough to have company.

Not that she was expecting company.

She let out a small sigh as she placed a mug of tepid water in the microwave. She briefly recalled the events that ensued in the past twenty-four hours.

She did not wake up yesterday thinking she was going to get that close. It had taken all of her courage to even stand on that ledge. Heights were not her friend, ever since she was a child. Maybe it wasn’t the fear of heights so much as it was the fear of falling.

It didn’t make sense that it was her chosen method.

She shook her head quickly. No, those were not the kind of thoughts she needed. Not this soon.

Truth be told, it was hard to live in a city such as New York. It was so easy to get carried away with the hustle and bustle the city was known for. Even on her daily walk to the shop, she felt like a tiny speck in the big picture. Nobody gave her a smile, nobody even looked at her. It wasn’t what she was used to.

Hell, back in the Midwest, people smiled at strangers as they passed them on the road. They waved to people driving tractors, and were even pleasant if one was going ten miles per hour. But here?

If you so much as stopped on the sidewalk, you were given death glares and knew people wished you didn’t exist in that moment.

Maybe she wasn’t meant to stay here.

It was almost every hairstylist’s dream. If you could make it in New York, you really made it. It was a cherry on top if you ended up catering to hair shows, took on a sponsorship for various brands. If you made it in New York, you could even create your own line of color and hair products.

Two and a half years after gaining her license in hairdressing, it just wasn’t what she expected. The hair was great, that wasn’t the problem. The environment drained her. She wasn’t sure if it was worth the heartache.

But those four brothers…

“Maybe I should check in on them,” she told herself.

The microwave began to beep. She reached in to pull the hopefully hot water-filled mug and gasped when the ceramic burnt at her skin. No, she’d give that a minute to cool off, actually.

She glanced over at her phone, it was dangerously close to falling off the edge of the couch. Y/N made her way over and unlocked it with her fingerprint. As she did so, she quietly wondered how Donatello managed to get into it in the first place.

In fact, their four names were now listed as her emergency contact numbers. They were even color coded, not that she needed a reminder on who was who. She decided to text Leo.

Miss me yet? - Y/N

After thinking for another second, she sent another text. Hopefully they weren’t weird about double-texting.

You guys seriously messed up my sleep schedule, I’m wide awake and it’s almost nine at night. - Y/N

It wasn’t completely true, she didn’t typically go to bed until midnight or so. There was no harm in friendly banter, right?

She set her phone back down, on the counter this time, and went to check on her mug of hopefully no longer boiling hot water. Before her fingers even touched it, it dinged.

Oh yeah? Almost time for us to get to work - Leonardo

She looked at the message for a while, her mug of tea leaf-less water all but forgotten.

Ah, the night shift. Latest I’ve worked was probably until two. I didn’t want to even think about waking up the next morning. - Y/N

You work that late? - Leonardo

Did I ever tell them what I did for a living?

Not that it would really matter to them. They obviously didn’t need a beautician.

The hair thing, she was definitely referring to the hair thing. Turtles didn’t have hair. Not that she saw, anyway-

Y/N, I swear, they’re fuckin’ turtles. Of course they don’t have hair anywhere.

I had no idea this client was going to take me eight hours. We were almost sick of each other by the end of it. - Y/N

She remembered that night well. It was actually one of her first clients that she ever got since moving to the Big Apple. And boy, was this girl loyal. She bought product every time, tipped well, even consulted for possible wigs. Y/N wasn’t sure why she would want wigs, she had beautiful hair, but she wasn’t about to judge. That was money.

Plus, she worked for some TV station local to New York. This client was a dream client.

As soon as she sent the message, she groaned. He probably didn’t even care to hear about that kind of stuff. He was probably busy anyway. You know, saving the city.

I’ll let you get back to work. Maybe you’ll even save another damsel tonight. - Y/N

She had to admit, knowing she was the first person they’d saved in such a way made her feel special. Sure, it was the worst possible circumstance, but… In her mind, it was almost like fate. They were different, but they accepted her into their home so easily. They knew she needed help and didn’t hesitate to try their best. They gave her a safe space to sleep, away from her own world. It gave her time to clear her head. Maybe the meditating had something to do with it.

Let’s hope I don’t have to - Leonardo

For some reason, the last message didn’t hit quite right with her. It suddenly drew her back.

Just make some tea, Y/N. Light some candles. Deep breaths.

The last thing she wanted was to be a burden to these four new beings in her life she’d love to consider her first real friends in the city. She crossed her fingers that he didn’t mean his words the way she took them.

Candles lit, tea freshly brewed (and with a chunk of ice for good measure), Y/N settled down on the couch with an oversized blanket and decided to watch something on TV. That’d clear her mind.

“April’s hair does look so good,” she mumbled to herself with a smile, the first thing on TV was the nightly news. “Good job, me.”

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2k14 #tmnt 2k16 #adult turtles #reader insert #tmnt reader inesrt #tmnt leo #tmnt mikey #tmnt raph #tmnt donnie #leo x reader #leonardo x reader #tmnt x reader #tmnt imagines #leonardo tmnt #tmnt leonardo #bayverse tmnt #tmnt bayverse

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olehistorian · 4 years

Text

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-interview-imelda-staunton-is-tight-lipped-on-playing-the-crowns-future-queen-pkzpb76b2

Have you watched Vera Drake lately? Obviously, you have to be in a certain Saturday-night mood to turn off The Masked Singer and choose to put on Mike Leigh’s tale of a big-hearted backstreet abortionist in the East End in 1950. But it’s worth another visit. It’s one of the great British films and turbo-boosted the careers of many a character actor. Leading the ensemble cast in the title role — in an Oscar-nominated, Bafta-winning performance — was Imelda Staunton, who would become queen of them all. And possibly even the Queen. We’ll come to that.

“Just the best, best, best job of my life,” is how Staunton reflects on Vera Drake now. “Yeah, it was very hard to continue after that.”

After Vera Drake, Staunton had the little-old-lady role pretty much sewn up. The “little” is unavoidable. She’s 5ft nothing. In the hotel sideroom in which we meet, she fidgets on the edge of an armchair, sipping a juice a similar shade of green to her blouse and trench coat, which she keeps on throughout the interview. The “old” is perhaps more unfair: she was in her forties when she played Drake. We meet the day before her 64th birthday. “I think a lot of women now don’t think about their age because it’s changed for women, hasn’t it?”

She did “harrowing” again last year in ITV’s true-crime A Confession, playing the mother of Sian O’Callaghan, the 22-year-old from Swindon who was murdered in 2011. But otherwise, of late, she’s been — in the nicest way possible — British cinema’s arch biddy: in the gay-rights drama Pride; in Nanny McPhee; in the Downton Abbey movie alongside her husband, Jim Carter, who plays the long-suffering butler Carson; and as Professor Dolores Umbridge in the Harry Potter films. It all comes back to Mike Leigh. “I wouldn’t have got Harry Potter if my profile hadn’t been upped with Vera Drake,” she says. “They might have wanted me, but I wasn’t, you know, hot enough.”

At the end of last year, it was reported that the ultimate little-old-lady part was coming Staunton’s way: succeeding Olivia Colman as the Queen in series five and six of The Crown. Netflix played it down as “speculation”. But at a charity event at the Ivy before Christmas, Grant Tucker, the Sunday Times entertainment correspondent, asked Staunton’s husband, Carter, what it was like being married to royalty. “Thankfully I don’t have to start bowing to her for another two years,” he replied, “so I have plenty of time to practise.” So it’s true? Staunton’s reply is immediate, polite and professional: “I can’t discuss anything to do with that.” Which isn’t, you’ll note, a no.

She tells me she woke up at 4am today, thinking about her next big gig — Hello, Dolly! at the Adelphi Theatre. It isn’t on until August. Rehearsals don’t start until June. But “to me, that’s 10 minutes”, she says. “I just know the process is beginning. As Jim said, ‘This is the rest of the year, is it?’ I think about it and think about it. ‘How the hell am I going to do that?’ [Past success] means nothing at all, because it’s the next challenge. The more people say, ‘Ooh, it’s going to be great,’ the more I just get so depressed.”

And what success. In the West End, she’s busted free of the twinsets to become a bona fide, big-lunged musical star — a pocket rocket with a trail of five-star reviews and awards in her wake. Her first Olivier was back in 1991, for Into the Woods. In 2013, she won one for Sweeney Todd, in which she appeared alongside Michael Ball. Stephen Sondheim saw her performance and told her she should take on a revival of Gypsy next. The 2016 Olivier followed for that.

Her dog, Molly, a terrier, appeared on stage with her in the early performances of Gypsy, at the Chichester Festival Theatre. One time, during the West End run, a mouse snuck into her costume. “I did the whole first 20 minutes with a mouse inside the sleeve of my coat, singing the song, carrying on the scene. It’s good what your head can cope with, isn’t it?” It’s not the sort of thing that should happen to a Harry Potter star, surely? “That’s what you want. That’s the reality of the glamour of the thing.”

Staunton grew up in Archway, north London, above her mum’s hairdressing shop. Her dad was a labourer. Her mum, a first-generation Irish immigrant, was a big fan of the Queen. She died just before her daughter received her Oscar nomination for Vera Drake, and before Staunton collected her OBE and later CBE from the palace. “She’d have bloody loved all that,” she says.

She went to a convent school — “a really nice one because we had a lot of lay teachers”. Her report cards read: “Imelda could try harder, but she was very good in the play.” Her elocution teacher, Mrs Stoker, pushed her towards Rada, where contemporaries included Alan Rickman, Timothy Spall and Juliet Stevenson. When she got her first job in London, in 1982, it was in a musical: Guys and Dolls at the National Theatre. Staunton, by now used to lead roles, was only in the chorus. “I was thinking, ‘I just played Electra, what am I doing? Oh God.’” But Ian Charleson, Bob Hoskins, Julie Covington and Julia McKenzie were higher up the bill. “That’s what I was doing there: learning, really, really learning. That was wonderful.”

Also in the cast, seven years her senior, was Jim Carter. They married the following year. In 1986 they appeared together in Dennis Potter’s classic TV musical The Singing Detective. But, until the Downton movie, their working lives seldom intersected. “We don’t ever try not to work together — we just haven’t,” she says. “On the Downton film, we got completely overexcited, as we went to work for three days at the same time. What was lovely was doing the publicity together: travelling, just being in a hotel. We made sure we enjoyed ourselves.”

They have had a long-standing pact not to spend more than a couple of weeks apart, a rule Staunton broke to film Ang Lee’s Taking Woodstock (no, me neither). “I think it was five weeks: I was in America and thought, ‘Yep, that’ll do.’”

She enjoyed last summer filming Flesh and Blood, a new four-part ITV drama, on the coast near Eastbourne. “The sea does do something different to you, doesn’t it? I do think it would be brilliant to have somewhere by the sea, but it’s not going to happen.” She’s happy at home in Hampstead with Carter, walking the dog, spending days at the Test match and doing the gardening: “That’s probably an older person’s thing to say. Well, f*** it, you know? It’s healing, really healing. Having a stable place to come back to is quite necessary for me and for Jim, I think. It nourishes us. It allows us to go into a place that isn’t comfortable because you know you can get back to a more comfortable place.”

Flesh and Blood is an example of good parts being written for older people, especially women. “I’m encouraged by it,” says Staunton. “Very encouraged.” It’s not so much a whodunnit as a whodunnwot. In its rather gripping first episode, there’s a mystery body on a beach and a recent widow (played by 74-year-old Francesca Annis) starting a new life with a new fella who has a whiff of the gigolo about him. Staunton is back as the little old lady, Mary, a creepy next-door neighbour with a pair of binoculars and penchant for opening other people’s mail. This primetime drama does contain scenes of pensioners smooching.

“It’s not just for the sake of it,” says Staunton. “This isn’t trying to be ‘Oh, we’re beautiful things having sex later in life.’ There’s a loving relationship developing. The fact that [in one of Annis’s scenes] the dressing gown slips off is not extraordinary.” Would Staunton ever want a crack at being the older woman getting the, ahem, action? “I don’t think that would be required,” she replies. “I don’t think so, no — not unless it was funny.”

We talk about the trial of the film producer Harvey Weinstein. What experience has Staunton had of that grim — and criminal — casting- couch culture? “None. Absolutely none,” she says. “I’m not surprised [that it goes on], but I’ve always been in situations where women are treated equally. In the rehearsal room, women behave as they wish to behave and are listened to, and that’s normal. I never thought, ‘Oh, isn’t this marvellous, somebody’s listening to me?’ I’ve never witnessed it, but I hope good will come out of this. The irony of that” — she pauses to choose the word carefully — “situation is that that man [Weinstein] has made good things happen now. Hurrah.”

It won’t come as too much of surprise that she voted Labour in last month’s election — her MP, Tulip Siddiq, has a 14,000-vote majority in Hampstead and Kilburn, Glenda Jackson’s old seat. Staunton voted for remain. She also featured in a video last year for Extinction Rebellion, organised by Richard Curtis. “It was a friend who said, ‘Could you come along, they’re just doing it today, this bit of filming.’ Well, I was doing nothing else. I’m not climbing up the side of a building, so I’ll go and do that. If I can help, I’ll do that. As much as we can all do, every little bit helps.”

Does she worry about putting her head above the parapet like that? “No, not at all. That’s the only bloody point of any slight fame: you’ve got to use it, to put it to good use.” She has also provided the voice for some polar bears for Greenpeace. “Trump is just an absolute … It’s just a nightmare, and the climate’s a nightmare and Brexit’s a nightmare. And yet I wake up thinking about Hello, Dolly!”

At 64, Staunton seems to recognise that a Vera Drake or Hello, Dolly! might not roll round again. Even Harry Potter was, she says, “a very serious piece of work, weirdly”. She feels lucky that an actor’s life goes on. So no plans to retire? “I don’t think people do, do they? Name me an actress! No, you won’t get bloody Maggie Smith retiring. It’s a very nice job, if you can get it.” Plus, she’s still hoping someone will cast her alongside her 26-year-old daughter, Bessie, also an actress. “I’d love that. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.”

I hope they do give her the Queen job. If there’s anyone who could add some plausibility and empathy to the madcap past 12 months of royal history, from Megxit to the sweat-free antics of Prince Andrew, it is Staunton. I would pay good money to watch her, in standard-issue HRH lemon-yellow frock and tight-curled wig, look up, fix her aide with a stare and utter the words: “A Pizza Express … in Woking?”

Flesh and Blood is on ITV in February

#imelda staunton #interview #new projects #jim carter #real life otp #the crown #downton abbey film

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the-light-followed · 4 years

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SOURCERY (1988) [DISC. #5; RINCEWIND #3]

“It’s vital to remember who you really are. It’s very important. It isn’t a good idea to rely on other people or things to do it for you, you see. They always get it wrong.”

Rating: 7/10

Standalone Okay: Yes, but more fun with context.

Read First: Yeah.

Discworld Books Masterpost: [x]

* * * * * * * * * *

Magic! Sourcery! Death! The apocryphal apocalypse, the Apocralypse! Puns! A cowardly wizard who can’t do magic and who takes it in turns to run away from, and then toward, and then away again from danger!

Over the course of the story, Sourcery literally and figuratively rewrites reality and magic across the Disc.

Sourcery feels a lot like a second start for the Discworld series. Much like The Colour of Magic, it introduces many of Discworld’s major locations, characters, and themes. It even stars Rincewind, in all his cowardly, unmagical glory. But unlike The Colour of Magic, Pratchett has locked down not just the look of the place, but also the feel of it. The Discworld, as a setting, balances on the knife’s edge between absurdist humor and poignant sincerity, and it makes sense that it took Pratchett a couple novels to get the blend just right. I feel like the first five books in the series mark a slow path to the Discworld that the rest of the novels will occupy comfortably, starting with the purely satirical high fantasy nonsense of The Colour of Magic, shifting through the more original concepts of Equal Rites and Mort, and finally settling in place with Sourcery.

With the arrival of Coin, the powerful Sourcerer—who unlike a wizard is a source of magic, not just able to use the stuff—the balance of magic and nature shifts, wizards and towers rise and fall, and the Things from the Dungeon Dimensions briefly push very, very close to the Discworld before they’re driven back.

By the time the story ends, magic is revitalized and permanently changed through the arrival (and then departure) of Sourcery, and the balance of power between city-states is permanently altered. In fact, it is strongly implied that because of these magical battles, some of these places have entirely ceased to exist.

Whoops!

We get a solid cast of characters for this one, coming together and splitting apart again for some really well-paced storylines running alongside one another. There’s Conina (daughter of Cohen the barbarian, hairdresser by profession and warrior by genetics) and Nijel the Destroyer (son of a grocer, but he read a book about how to be a barbarian once), the Unseen University wizards (who put all their skill points into magic powers and absolutely none into common sense), the Librarian and his flock of books (the books literally fly like birds to escape a fire in the Library), Coin the Sourcerer (parented badly by the ghost of his dead father which is possessing his magical staff (no, really)), Death and the other Horsemen of the Apocralypse, etc., etc. Even the Archchancellor’s Hat has a pretty solid role to play.

And, of course, we’ve got our main protagonist, beloved run-away wizard Rincewind.

Western media trains audiences to see and expect cowardice as a negative trait, usually given to villains, traitors, and failures. But although Rincewind’s cowardice is as much a defining characteristic as his lack of magical ability and his misspelled hat, I see him as one of the kindest and most genuinely likeable protagonists on the Disc. (As opposed to my other faves: Vimes can be too intense, Vetinari too terrifying, and Granny is some unholy combination of both those things. Moist is, quite frankly, a little shit.)

Rincewind has ‘runs away a lot, usually from things that want him dead’ as his main character flaw, sure, but I can’t honestly fault him for that. Let’s be real—it’s just a logical continuation of the all-important survival trait, which Rincewind has in spades. And at the same time, he’s also knowledgeable, sarcastically funny, kind in his own way, and totally, completely harmless. It’s almost sweet, even, how utterly nonthreatening this man is. Like Coin the Sourcerer says: he’s like a funny little rabbit. How can you not love that?

I also love that Rincewind’s cowardice doesn’t stop him from doing what has to be done, even when—maybe especially when—no one else seems to be answering the call. Despite all the infinitely more powerful wizards up in the tower with the Sourcerer, it’s Rincewind who shows up with no magic at all, just a half-brick in a sock, ready to at least try to stop the inevitable unraveling of reality and destruction of the Disc. (I’m standing by my claim that Rincewind might be a terrible wizard, but an excellent accidental witch. See my post on Equal Rites for the distinction.)

Anyway, in the end, it turns out that it’s not Coin that’s the real problem, it’s his staff; Rincewind immediately turns to protecting Coin, a literal child. When he and Coin are pulled through to the Dungeon Dimension, Rincewind uses himself as a distraction so Coin can escape, even though it means he’ll be trapped there with terrible things that want him dead. The book ends with him still trapped in the Dungeon Dimensions.

That’s not great, obviously, but one thing I really appreciate about the Discworld series is that even though bad things happen or threaten to happen all the time, you can always trust Pratchett not to be cruel for cruelty’s sake or even just for shock and awe. Things are scary and bad, but they will turn out okay in the end. Pratchett’s not about that grimdark bullshit, and that’s a promise you can take straight to the bank. He understands people in such a real way—none of his characters are purely good or purely evil, but on the whole, when pushed, they tend toward good. They think. They reconsider. They try. Even when it seems pointless, they fight back, and Pratchett always rewards his characters—and the readers—for that.

Sourcery, a prime example of this, ends on a pretty solid cliffhanger. Knowing as we do now that there are four more books that star Rincewind in the Discworld lineup, we as a modern audience don’t need to worry. But in the context of 1988, where there are two full years and three full novels before Rincewind is mentioned again, we have to take Pratchett at his word, and the man really does do everything in his power to reassure us that all will be well:

“Silence drifted around the remains of a hat, heavily battered and frayed and charred around the edges, that had been placed with some ceremony in a niche in the wall. No matter how far a wizard goes, he will always come back for his hat.”

The Rincewind books were actually some of the last ones I read of the Discworld, my first time around, to the point where I already trusted Pratchett not to mess with my feelings for no reason. It’s always nice to hit a cliffhanger and know the author will give a satisfying, well-written payoff—he wouldn’t have written it as he did if he didn’t intend to go somewhere with it later.

And now, having read all the books several times over, I have the satisfaction of being certain that even though it takes him a while, Rincewind will make it back to U.U. in the end. Any time I read one of the Rincewind books and start to feel bad for the poor bastard, I can reassure myself that despite every time he’s forced to risk his life or dragged along against his will on a wild and crazy adventure, eventually he will be given tenure at the University, and he will have the most boring job imaginable, mostly involving sorting his predecessor’s rock collection. It’s all the man has ever dreamed of getting out of life.

As a final note, I have to sidetrack into something that makes me very excited: in Sourcery, Vetinari is finally given a name!

[Paul Kidby’s version of Vetinari from The Pratchett Portfolio.]

Admittedly, this is not the first time the Patrician appears; he’s been around since The Colour of Magic. It’s just that he’s now officially been named, and with that naming comes more and more elements of his personality. Unfortunately, this does not mean he’s now fully, entirely, um…Vetinari-like. (Is there a good word to describe what, exactly, Vetinari is? Let me know; I sure as hell can’t think of one. Machiavellian, sure, but there’s a lot more going on in there on top of that.) He looks like Vetinari. He’s got some very Vetinari-sounding traits. He’s even got Wuffles, and let’s be honest, ‘unreasoning love of dogs’ is one of Vetinari’s easiest-to-nail-down personality traits.

But he also dramatically misjudges a situation with the wizards and the newly-arrived Sourcerer, Coin, to the point where he is turned into a lizard for the rest of the book.

On the one hand, this is clearly an object lesson in human-slash-wizard nature that Vetinari takes firmly to heart, because I can’t think of any time in any other Discworld novel where the man fucks up quite that badly. One of Vetinari’s strongest traits is that he gets people, he understands them and what they want, and the reason he stays in power despite all efforts to the contrary is that he knows how to work that to his advantage. Future Vetinari is a lot more cautious and delicate with both his demands and his threats, he pretty much always gets what he wants, and he is never again forcibly transmogrified into a small, angry reptile. That’s character development, folks.

On the other hand, I think I’m so used to Vetinari as the all-knowing, puppeteering chess-master that he seems wildly out of character for the relatively short amount of time he shows up in Sourcery. I don’t even think I’m entirely wrong in that, because, again, Pratchett is still figuring out Vetinari as a character at this point. He’s been around since The Colour of Magic, yes, but this is the first time we see him as a real, concrete person and not a mere device to drive the plot.

Somehow, he doesn’t yet feel like the politician slash assassin that we’ll come to know and love. Sure, we all know he’s secretly got a hidden sense of humor and a live-and-let-die approach to the whimsical absurdity that pretty much runs the Disc, but he doesn’t make mistakes.

By the time we get to Guards! Guards!, though, Pratchett will pretty much have him on lock. Maybe we really just need to hold his brand of cynicism up next to Vimes’s in order to put them both in the right light.

But we’ve still got a few more books between then and now. Next up, we return to the witches: it’s the Shakespearean-inspired Wyrd Sisters!

* * * * * * * * * *

Side Notes:

Rincewind does exactly one (1) magic in this book, and I am very proud of him for it.

Something I missed on my last readthrough: the Luggage apparently coughed up the Ottavo after a couple days. Last I remembered, in The Light Fantastic, it had swallowed this most powerful grimoire on the Disc and showed no signs of ever giving it up. On the one hand, there’s nowhere safer on the Disc to store a reality-warping spellbook than inside a murderous suitcase, but on the other, Rincewind and his awful luck don’t really need that sort of risk following them around on hundreds of tiny legs.

This book has a really solid message: a person has to decide for themselves who and what they are. It repeats throughout a lot of the character arcs: Rincewind, Conina, Nigel, even Coin the Sourcerer.

Rincewind might not be great at magic, but he’s got the most common sense. For example: it’s not Rincewind’s magical powers that make him able to fly the magic carpet. It’s just that he’s the only one to notice that they’ve set it on the ground upside-down. I think this serves him better than actual magic would in most of his escapades.

Favorite Quotes:

“‘I meant,’ said Ipslore bitterly, ‘what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?’ Death thought about it. CATS, he said eventually. CATS ARE NICE.”

“It was quite impossible to describe. Here is what it looked like. It looked like a piano sounds shortly after being dropped down a well. It tasted yellow, and it felt Paisley. It smelled like the total eclipse of the moon.”

“It’s vital to remember who you really are. It’s very important. It isn’t a good idea to rely on other people or things to do it for you, you see. They always get it wrong.”

“They suffered from the terrible delusion that something could be done. They seemed prepared to make the world the way they wanted it or die in the attempt, and the trouble with dying in the attempt was that you died in the attempt.”

“There are eight levels of wizardry on the Disc; after sixteen years Rincewind has failed to achieve even level one. In fact it is considered opinion of some of his tutors that he is incapable even of achieving level zero, which most normal people are born at; to put it another way, it has been suggested that when Rincewind dies the average occult ability of the human race will actually go up by a fraction.”

“Rincewind rather enjoyed times like this. They convinced him that he wasn’t mad because, if he was mad, that left no word at all to describe some of the people he met.”

“Despite rumor, Death isn’t cruel—merely terribly, terribly good at his job.”

“The truth isn’t easily pinned to a page. In the bathtub of history the truth is harder to hold than the soap, and much more difficult to find.”

“The day had, in fact, reached that gentle point when it was too late for housebreaking and too early for burglary.”

#discworld #sourcery #rincewind

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scoundrels-in-love · 5 years

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Recap of my first time dying my hair experience: 1. Holy shit, it’s expensive. I could’ve bought 1.5 Christmas presents for my International friends with this, shipping and all. I don’t think I’m ever doing it again 2. Why did no one warn me it’s going to be THAT long? It was at least an hour longer than I expected 3. However, I got to read magazine and sip green tea with honey from fancy cup or almost fall asleep for 3 hours, feeling all fancy (obviously, I was paying for the experience, but from other hand, that lady worked for like 2 hours so) 4. I experienced various fears such as it’ll be longer than I wanted or too dark - none have come true 5. General hairdressing thoughts: you never realize how much hair you have until hairdresser goes through 4-5 layers, strand by strand, drying them 6. I got complimented on my natural hair tone and it took really nice, blending with the purple

#rainy rambles

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victeux · 5 years

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Profiles for Desiree and Rachel (Under Cut)

PROFILE ; DESIREE MORGAN DEHOUND

GENERAL.

full name. Desiree Morgan DeHound pronunciation. Dehs-ih-ray Mor-gan De-Hound nicknames. Des, Morgan height. 155 cm / 5′1″ age. 22 years old zodiac. taurus languages. English, Russian

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour. dirty, natural blonde eye colour. sky blue skin tone. warm beige body type. toned, triangle-shaped body (thinner top half, larger bottom half). chest is smaller than average, body is overall toned from regular exercise. accent. something people would call ‘Californian’, comes out akin to a surfer-stereotype type of speech pattern. mostly relaxed, but not an intense accent by any means. dominant hand. right-handed posture. usually relaxed, yet proper. shoulders rolled back, not commonly seen slouching. scars. none. tattoos. four. one line neck tattoo, one cat-head silhouette tattoo on inner bicep of left arm, two lines of 5 hearts on the inside of both thighs. most noticeable features. hair. it is long, due to her refusing to get it cut at a hairdresser for years. it goes down to the top of her hips, and it falls in rather messy waves instead of pretty, defined curls, a product of her lack of hair care.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth. a town in Russia. hometown. Los Angeles, Calfornia birth weight / height. --- manner of birth. natural birth. first words. “спать“, in English, “sleep” siblings. none. parents. Diana DeHound (mother) ; Alexander DeHound (father) parental involvement. not much. Desiree has a poor relationship with her parents, due to various reasons. these reasons include childhood neglect, teenage alcoholism and drug abuse, and her current choice of lifestyle. she does not visit them (as they currently live in Russia), and they do not visit her more than once a year normally. it is a mutual disinterest.

ADULT LIFE

occupation. none, as of now. she survives off of her parent’s money. current residence. Saratoga, California close friends. Rachel Kuchen partners: none. relationship status. single. financial status. high class. her parents own multiple oil manufacturers in Russia, and considering she leeches off of their money, she is well-off. driver’s license. yes. criminal record. none.

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation. bisexual romantic orientation. panromantic preferred emotional role. Submissive | Dominant | Switch | Unsure preferred sexual role. Submissive | Dominant | Switch | Sex repulsed libido. high. she uses sex as a coping mechanism, so she will try to have sex with almost anyone that catches her interest. turn on’s. most things. specifically, she enjoys violence, rough sex, lingerie, sensation play, knife play, con noncon; mainly anything that could hurt her. turn off’s. romantic actions during sex are her main turn-off. she does not enjoy sex with others that try to turn it emotional. love language. Desiree has an extremely difficult time being emotionally vulnerable enough to ever have feelings even close to ‘love’ for another person. however, if she did get to that point, one could definitely tell a difference. contrary to her loud personality, she is very soft once she gets into a relationship that she can feel confident and secure in. her love language would most likely center around giving gifts to her partner, as well as frequent shows of affection both in public and in private. relationship tendencies. breaking up is her most common tendency in a relationship. as mentioned, she is very difficult to truly lockdown. if it were to happen, something notable would be the amount that she wants to be in physical contact with her partner. she enjoys being able to touch someone without being sexual, so that would be one of her most notable tendencies while in a relationship.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song(s). Froot - Marina and the Diamonds hobbies to pass the time. clubbing, bar-hopping, going on walks, playing with her dogs, hanging out with whichever friend is available, hook-ups. mental illnesses. ADD is her only properly diagnosed mental illness, which she currently takes medication for. however, she shows signs of depression regularly. she also suffers from ongoing emotional and physical trauma which effects her in various ways. physical illnesses. none. left or right brained. right-brained. fears. haircuts, never being special to anyone. self confidence level. generally low, but varies. vulnerabilites. she is quite vulnerable to emotional manipulation, despite herself using it regularly on other people.

PROFILE ; RACHEL KUCHEN

GENERAL.

full name. Ramone Wagner (original) / Rachel Kuchen (current) pronunciation. Rah-moan Vah-gnah / Ray-chehl Coo-ken nicknames. Ray, Radio height. 147 cm / 4′10″ age. 25 years old. zodiac. scorpio languages. German, English

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour. deep grey, with two strands of pink, purple, and blue above her bangs that fall to the sides of her face. eye colour. yellow. skin tone. beige with yellow undertones. body type. classic hourglass with little muscle. her arms and legs are prosthetic, robotic limbs, so they can not be toned. her body is smooth, not toned, however she eats healthily and keeps her weight steady in order to avoid any strange proportions from happening with her limbs not being able to change with her. accent. noticeable German accent. she works on not having it, but it is prominent when she uses words with consonants. dominant hand. she is good with both hands. ambidextrous. posture. very proper. you will never see her slouching. she could be compared to any ‘perfect’ example of feminine, structurally-sound posture. scars. she has various scars on her body. her main scars are at her shoulders and hip joints, where her robotic limbs were attached. the joints are encircled with a scar that has mostly smoothed out, but is still obviously a surgical scar with stitch marks. she also has various surgery scars on her abdomen, but they are almost gone. tattoos. none. most noticeable features. the two strange pieces of hair that hang off of her head. they were surgically connected to her to provide a temperature monitor and increased hearing, but they look very strange.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth. a small town in Germany. hometown. the same small town in Germany. birth weight / height. --- manner of birth. natural birth. mother died afterwards. first words. “papa” siblings. none. parents. Oscar Wagner (father) (dead) ; Unknown mother (dead) parental involvement. none. both of her parents are dead. she personally murdered her father, while her mother died after childbirth from complications that the small hospital of their town could not handle.

ADULT LIFE

occupation. loan officer at a local bank. current residence. Saratoga, California close friends. Desiree M. DeHound. partners: none. relationship status. single. financial status. middle class. she makes a fair amount of money from her job, since she has been doing it for years. driver’s license. yes. criminal record. none.

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation. demisexual romantic orientation. demiromantic. preferred emotional role. Submissive | Dominant | Switch | Unsure preferred sexual role. Submissive | Dominant | Switch | Sex repulsed libido. low. she has yet to experience anything that could be remotely considered sexual attraction, not even in her teenage years did she feel any need to explore such things. turn on’s. unsure. she is inexperienced. in general, she enjoys keeping clothes on as well as praise. gentleness is something she would enjoy. turn off’s. again, unsure due to inexperience, but she would not enjoy anything physically violent such as types of BDSM. roughness would scare her, and possibly upset her. love language. Rachel is a very soft woman in general, and that carries on into how she shows her love for another. she is not intense, and prefers to show her love through small actions such as making dinner, bringing home flowers, or simply holding hands. she always wants the best for the people she loves, and she enjoys doing whatever she can to help them along their way to do what they want in life. relationship tendencies. she can be somewhat clingy in an emotional sense. she enjoys the security that a relationship gets, and if her partner is someone that would prefer to live apart, they would expect to get morning, lunch, and dinner calls from her to check in on them and make sure they’re alright. she has never experienced genuine love from anyone in her life, so having that would, of course, make her not want to lose it. keeping in close contact is a way she sees she can keep it.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song(s). Make Me a Robot - Tessa Violet hobbies to pass the time. embroidery, stargazing, crochet, mainly introverted activities is what she enjoys. mental illnesses. PTSD from her childhood situation. mainly manifests (noticeably) as general anxiety throughout her day and avoidance of hospitals. physical illnesses. none. left or right brained. left-brained. fears. hospitals, needles, stitching, her father, random touching by strangers, rough handling. self confidence level. low-medium. she doesn’t think about it often, but she doesn’t see herself in a good light due to her past actions (mainly her father’s murder). vulnerabilities. a lot. she is especially vulnerable to anything that can trigger her anxiety (see above). she is not an emotionally strong person, nor physically. her limbs also make her vulnerable, as they can sometimes not work properly.

Tagged by: @smoulderingsilver Tagging: want it? have it.

#way too long so under the cut it goes #about;desiree #about;radio #HV;RADIO #THIS TOOK SOO LONG #JESUS #murder tw #emotional abuse tw #abuse tw #ʟᴀᴜɢʜᴛᴇʀ ɪꜱ ᴀ ꜱᴜɴʙᴇᴀᴍ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴏᴜʟ ；ᴅᴇꜱɪʀᴇᴇ #ᴛᴏ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ʀᴏʙᴏᴛꜱ ᴇɴᴅᴇᴀʀɪɴɢ ꜰʟᴀᴡꜱ ᴍᴜꜱᴛ ʙᴇ ᴀᴅᴅᴇᴅ ；ʀᴀᴅɪᴏ

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aizawasbedtimestories · 5 years

Note

Hello! I just came across your blog but its fantastic! I know your going on vacation soon, so could I request some headcanons for Aizawa on hair? (His own hair, his s/os hair, length, styling, grooming, perhaps his opinion of hair pulling, how he grooms "down there" and what he prefers his s/os grooming "down there" to be?) Thank you!!

Please have a look at this post for more answers to all these questions!

Aizawa Shouta and the Lemon-ish topic of hair 2

Obviously, his s/o’s hair length or styling is none of his business. If they want to grow it out, so be it, if they want to cut it off, that’s their decision too. He won’t put any restrictions on them of how they have to wear or style it, especially since he isn’t much of an example for that either. Then again, Shouta makes sure to comfort his s/o if they are unhappy with their new cut or search for hair saloons on his patrols when they say they want to visit the hairdresser

While he can see the advantages of long hair when it comes to sex, he isn’t necessarily using them. All the more, he prefers the feeling of his hand holding his s/o’s head, finger driving through their hair, but for that his s/o wouldn’t need long hair as for example hair-pulling. The pulling is a little too impersonal for his taste, keeping his s/o’s body pretty far away from his own, so it isn’t his first choice while being intimate either. It’s a nice twist, however, to be able to wrap his hand into his s/o’s hair while they work on blowing him off, giving him that certain bit of dominance while their smooth strands of hair tickle and caress his skin

Someone who barely takes care of his head-hair also isn’t too fond of taking care in a lower section. Luckily, his hair growth isn’t as fast as many other people experience it but he does sometimes let it go out of hand so that a severe bush can build around his member. Shouta believes it’s a little weird for a grown man like him to be shaved like a baby though, so he only ever cuts them down a little when he notices their immense growth, but never fully shaves all of the little hairs off. He would find that to be quite a tiresome work too. He’d definitely look out for how he’s groomed in his lower region if his s/o had a problem with it, but if it’s not too bush-y, it won’t bother him as much

His calm opinion on the topic goes over to his s/o too. Shouta doesn’t really think it’s his place to decide on how his s/o has to groom themselves, especially when they are reluctant to do it. Even if it’s a new experience at first for him too, if they decide they don’t want to shave, he’ll do his best to arrange himself with that. After all, society is putting enough pressure on every little thing people have to do, so he’d rather cut himself and his s/o some slack. Also, it’s very much a thing to get used to, so why bother when it won’t be relevant in a few days or months anyway

#Aizawa #Aizawa Shouta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha imagines #bnha headcanons #bnha scenarios #bnha fanfiction #bnha writing blog #mha #my hero academia #shouta aizawa #calamityismyspecialty #aizawasbedtimestories

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secretsofthemasquerade · 6 years

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Nighthawks’s Kickstarter and interview with author

Hey guys, you might have seen this kickstarter over the past month, as its approaching its deadline I thought I’d interview the main dude for you guys :)

I played the demo that’s available, which isn’t fully representative of the story’s debth (as it was meant to be just a small visual fiction), which displays great attention to art, great voice acting, and quite nicely written characters and unique starting situation.

Overall I really love the concept and I’d like to see this game become a reality, we need down-to-earth games even if they’re not labelled WoD :p

Here’s the link to the kickstarter. You can get the game for just 20 bucks ^^ HURRY though, it ends in FIVE DAYS.

The author, Richard Cobbett, has done lots of work in the past, and the publisher is a solid one too (the publisher’s TechnoBabylon is just life, and Sunless Sea/Skies were made by this author), it’s not his first rodeo and he’s, as he put it in the discord server: “I'm writer, designer, programmer, marketing person, video compositer, UI engineer, community manager and basically everything not involving drawing“. His wording isn’t pretentiously all over the place and “darker than thou”, but it has the right amount of work from hat I could see from the screenshots and the demo.

So here goes! Interview under the cut!

“Who are you, apart from what we know from the Kickstarter?”

I’m Richard Cobbett, and if you know me from anything it’s probably about 20 years of games journalism, including things like PC Gamer’s “Crap Shoot” column and Rock Paper Shotgun’s “The RPG Scrollbars”, or my work on Sunless Sea/Sunless Skies. But I’ve done quite a lot more than that, including the mobile adventure Silent Streets and the space game The Long Journey Home.

So, this is far from my first rodeo. I love cats, hate spiders, and once made a pitch to White Wolf that included the secret goal of making my home town of York a Tremere stronghold. I am entirely serious about this.

“In a few words, for a VtM Audience, what is the premise of Nighthawks' world?”

Vampires exist. You know this, because you’re one of them. But unlike the World of Darkness, the Masquerade has failed. You’ve been exposed, and the world is trying to figure out where to go next. You begin as a penniless vampire in a shitty hotel in the cheapest part of a dying town, and Nighthawks charts your rise from rags to riches as you become part of the new politics.

Things are of course very different from WoD, both to avoid treading on White Wolf’s paws and because of course I wanted the fun of creating my own setting! For starters, Nighthawks is a bit lighter in tone, and more rooted in the problematic elements of being a vampire. Blood tastes foul, being bitten hurts, and the world is at best incredibly suspicious and at worst outright hates you.

Also, vampires don’t secretly run the world. They’re more like cats, in that they’re fiercely individualistic and territorial, with many of them not even having historically known that there were others like them. There’s a few groups here and there that have had some historical sway in the world, such as the Eternal Dynasties that latched onto the great courts of Europe like parasites, and a handful of aristocrats who spread with British colonialism to find Heirs to further refine their bloodlines, but they’re very much in the minority.

The closest equivalent to the Masquerade is that some - not most, though you’re one of the lucky ones - have powers. These are primarily mental rather than breathing fire and turning into bats and so on, like Mesmerise or Corpse-Talking or copying the face of a human for a brief period. Vampire society is doing its best to hide the existence of these for fairly obvious reasons - they’re already distrusted enough! They’re also not skills to just spam at problems, but very expensive aces-in-the-hole to deploy very carefully.

There’s a lot more to say and discover about the world, but in short, it’s something that I think Vampire fans will both enjoy for the parts of the atmosphere it shares, and love exploring for all the cool ways that it tries something a bit different. It’s a game rooted in the social side of vampire life, where a dinner party can be more dangerous than any back-alley rumble, and one where you get to be a direct part of the big decisions that define what it means to be a vampire, versus showing up five hundred years after the Convention of Thorns or whatever already laid out how things work.

It’s also a game designed to let you play whatever character you want - both in terms of things like sexuality and gender, and just background. You’re not restricted to just being JC Denton with fangs. If you want a character who was, say, a hairdresser in their mortal life and who has never been in a fight, that’s just fine. Or, of course, you can be a bruiser. Everyone deserves the chance to be a badass vampire, and a badass vampire that fully represents them.

Hmm. That was quite a few words, wasn’t it? Sorry. I get excited!

“What are its mechanims and gameplay like? How long do you think it will take for an average player to beat the full game?”

We’re looking at around 15-20 hours for a playthrough, with a ton of replayability. Lots of choices, differences in character builds, cool things to discover… the lot. We’re primarily using text because it allows us to really flesh out the world and add as many stories as possible.

Mechanically, it’s a mix of life-simulation and RPG. It resembles games like Sunless Sea, in that most options are chosen from a list, alongside some gorgeous 4K graphics and voice acting. However, under that is a fierce system of RPG options and life simulation. Every click is a tick of the clock, as you explore the city, improve your character, and get back to safety before sunrise. Rather than the standard critical path of quests, the design is based around Objectives. In the first act, the simplest, your main goal is pretty much just making sure you can pay your hotel room bill. How you go about that is up to you, whether it’s hunting, taking on assignments, investigating rumours and so on. Later chapters of course get more complicated as you have to balance basic survival with dealing with crooked cops and politics.

I’ve posted a lot about the game design and where we’re going with it all in the Kickstarter Updates. Worth checking out! I think V:TM fans will really like it.

“What got you into vampire fiction and vampire games? Why make a game with those themes?”

Firstly, urban fantasy is awesome and it’s depressing that we see so little of it in gaming. Vampires specifically intrigue me as a designer because they offer so many mechanical opportunities - blood, sunlight, etc - and as a writer for the constant dichotomy between power fantasy and personal nightmare.

Nighthawks is very much rooted in exploring that, with some characters who find their undeath a curse, others who find it liberating, and with the player allowed to decide for themselves where they stand. It doesn’t hurt that the individualism of vampires allows you to create some really awesome characters who are fun to hang out with. Our Kickstarter backers immediately connected with the Companion in the demo - Madame Lux, a vampire stage magician with the power to manipulate human sight. She’s just one of many really vibrant characters, including con-artist cult-leader Maze, vampire fangirl bartender Becca, and Inez, a pirate queen from the Golden Age of Piracy struggling to adapt to a world where none of her skills are still in any demand.

Then throw in all the awesome vampire folklore from around the world, and you’ve got a fantastic palette to paint with. Much of the Nighthawks design makes me grin just to think of it, and I think players are going to dig it too.

“Favorite VtMB story part? NPC?”

Well, as a paid-up fan of the Tremere, obviously, Strauss. Good egg. Totally not like that awful LaCroix chap. Other than that, Heather and Tourette are obviously the first ones that everyone thinks of, and with good reason. Grey de Lisle’s voice makes any character awesome, and the Heather sequences were shockingly brutal the first time around. Absolutely amazing writing in those bits.

But I’m probably going to say Deb of Night. I love radio in games as a way of conveying atmosphere, and that’s one of the best one. I don’t know if it’s cool or sad that a few years ago I was in Santa Monica on a press trip, and spent some time wandering around the Pier while listening to Deb’s show. Bit of both?

“Anything you'd need apart from more backers to make sure the game becomes a reality?”

Moral support, really! Game development is a long and often pretty lonely experience, where you never usually know if anyone is going to want what you’re making when you’re done. It’s a real boost to know that so many people are excited by Nighthawks and really want to see it happen. That certainly adds some pressure, but the kind of pressure I think everyone can appreciate!

#nighthawks #vampire games #video games #my first interview lol

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lilithhuntervitz · 7 years

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Girl Time with Lilith and Anwen (part 1)

After the gladiator fight's conclusion, everyone was getting more excited for the coronation ball that evening. Karla gave Anwen a quick kiss before taking off to get ready for the evening, which reminded Anwen about what had happened just before Nammith had entered the ring. A big grin spreads over her face and she can barely contain her excitement. "Lilith! Let's go get our hair and nails done!" she shouts over the crowd, grabs Lilith's hand and before she can answer, begins dragging her away. "We'll be back later guys!" she waves vaguely over her shoulder at Jimmy and Nammith. "why would we go to a place to do our hair? Can't we just do it in our room like we normally do? Why are you making that face? I don't I have ever seen you smile to big", Lilith's face changed from utter confusion to worry and then slightly fearful. "It's a special occasion, Lilith! We can't just do our own hair! Besides I'm not very good at making it look fancy...Come on. It will be fun. You can wear your flower! And the other things we got earlier. You're gonna be so pretty!" she practically sings as she drags Lilith to the nearest beauty salon. "I trust none of this. Anything that makes you this happy means death involved" "You're being dramatic. You know that's not true," she pulls her into the salon and approaches the clerk, "Can you squeeze us in? Two for a hair style and manicure, please." "There's a few ladies ahead of you, but I'm sure we can fit you in. There's chairs over there if you'd like to take a seat and wait." "Thank-you!" Anwen says brightly and takes a seat, beaming at Lilith. "Sooooo...you wanna tell me about what happened today?" she says in a sing-song voice. "Sure...Ummm. We went shopping for Karla. That was fun. We got your dress, yay. I wore my kimono today. Then Nammith lost his fight. And now we are here. The end!" Anwen smirks, "I think you're forgetting a very important part." She glances at the prayer beads on Lilith's wrist before looking her right in the eye. "Ummm...So I gave Nammith a gift. He ummm liked it....A lot I hope" "Oh I'm sure he did," Anwen giggles, and gives her a wink. "Why are you winking? Are you flirting with me?" "Of course not! Stop trying to change the subject." "I have no idea what your asking me Anwen. What are you asking me?", Lilith looks at her friend with a pleading look Unable to contain herself any longer Anwen loudly blurts out, "You kissed Nammith!" The lady at the front desk looks over at them, grins and stifles a laugh before returning to her work. Lilith turns a deep shade of burgundy and quickly hides her face. "I umm you saw that? How much did you see?" She spreads her fingers out a little and peaks through the gaps "Oh hohoho...yesss I did," she grins even wider, "I'm so happy for you both." She pulls Lilith into a big hug and gives her a squeeze. The two ladies that were ahead of them walk past, their hair done up in fine curls, pinned up and beautifully framing their painted faces. The clerk at the desk checks them out and another girl with an apron, shoulder length, but styled brown hair smiles down at them. “I can take you ladies back now.” She leads them to a pair of chairs facing a pair of mirrors and surrounded by various neatly displayed hair styling products and tools. "My name is Lydia, what are yours?” "I'm Anwen, and this is Lilith. This is our first time doing this and we don't have much hair to work with obviously, but we'd like something a bit fancier than our usual straight hair look." The girl looks the two of them over, " I think I can work with this." She smiles with a gleam in her eye, "and since you don't know exactly what you want...I can be a bit creative..." "Uhhhh sure. The last two ladies looked quite lovely. I trust you. Lilith, show her your flower so she can work it into your hair." Lilith reaches into her robe pocket and hands over her precious flower. In a small voice she whispered, "Please take care of it. It's the only one I have." She hesitates before handing over her lily to the Clerk. She sighs and looks over at Anwen. "I'm not sure what I'm doing?" The girl nods, "It's so lovely. I know exactly what do with this! Hang onto it until I ask for it, alright?" she hands it back to Lilith and begins setting up behind Anwen. "Just relax. She's a professional." "I've been doing this for years, you've got nothing to worry about, sweetie!" Lydia says proudly as she begins curling pieces of Anwen's hair. Lilith stares down at the flower Nammith gave her almost a year ago. It's one of the first non-weapon gifts she had ever received. It's the most valuable item she owns. She smiled at that. She owns something. She steadies herself a bit and raises her head proudly. "I want to kiss him again." Anwen smiles at Lilith, looking at her through the mirror, "You should. I'm sure he'd like that." A look of panic crosses her face as she catches a glimpse of what Lydia is doing to her hair, "Ahhh you're curling it!? oookayyyy..." she looks uncomfortable and thinks this may not have been a good idea afterall. "Relax, darling, I'm curling it to give it volume and then we're gonna put half of it up in some small, relaxed braids sweeping it into the back, add some pretty pins in. It will be lovely. Trust me." Anwen breathes a sigh of relief, "Okay, continue. Sorry. I'm new at this." She meets Lilith’s eyes in the mirror, "He really likes you." "You think? I mean...I hope so.", She looks down shyly. "I'm not used to this. I mean this kind of attention. I mean...He is a man. What do I even do with that? What's the protocol?" "What do you mean, protocol? I think it works the same way kind of? I mean you two already spend a lot of time together. Just keep doing that and I am sure you guys will figure things out." "Hmmm, I'm not used to not knowing what to do in situations like this. I mean I kissed him...", She touches her lip gently, "He kissed me back. That means something right?" "What was it like? What was going through your mind? Were you nervous?" "I have never been more scared in my life. I had been pacing the ceiling all morning trying to figure out if I was going to kiss him or just hand him the gift and shake his hand." The hair dresser finishes the braids, adds a few more pins as dainty accents throughout Anwen's hair. She hands Anwen a mirror and twirls her around in the chair to allow her to see her handiwork. "What do you think dear?" Anwen smiles and touches one of the braids, "I love it. Thank-you." She sits with the mirror admiring it from every angle. Lydia smiles proudly, walks over to Lilith's chair and begins combing out her hair, "you can walk on the ceiling? Haha. Never heard that one before..." "Ouch...Yes...Ouch...It's apart of the whole monk package." Lilith relieved from the change in conversation slowly relaxes all the muscle in her back and arms. She hadn't realized she had tensed up. "You must really like him...But why were you afraid?" Anwen interrupts turning to face Lilith in her chair. Lilith's face reveals a hidden sadness she hadn’t spoke about before. Something she has been wrestling with for weeks. "That he will be killed because of me." She goes very quiet after that without making eye contact with Anwen. She feared she might break down and cry like the day she spent on the roof. She couldn't bear to lose him. He was her Nammith now. Noticing how uncomfortable Lilith was, and the sudden seriousness in her voice, Anwen panics internally. This was not the kind of conversation you have in public. She knew this was a touchy subject for Lilith. Why had she asked that? She knew better...She really wanted to talk to Lilith about this, but not here. Besides it was a special day, they were supposed to enjoy it and have fun. Lydia apparently sensed the shift in the mood and much to Anwen's relief changed the subject, "Your hair is such a unique color, I just adore it. Do you dye it?" Lilith beams in the mirror. "No, I was born like this. I'm not sure if it's a massive birthmark or genetics, it's always been lily white. I used to hate it as a child but I have grown to love it. It makes me unique and special." Lilith makes eye contact with the hairdresser and mouths a simple "thank you". Lydia smiles and gives her a wink. “Lily huh? Like your hair pin?" She drapes a few more pieces of hair on her finger and sweeps them to the side holding them in place just behind Lilith's ear, and holds our her other hand, "I'm actually ready for it now." Lilith gently hands her the flower. "Yes, like my hair pin. He calls me Lily too. I used to hate that name growing up. Still do the more I think about it. But I don't know. There is something special in the way he says it. It's like he accepts parts of myself I'm afraid to show. Nammith is good like that, you know. Finding the best in everyone." "That is so sweet. He sounds like quite a catch," she says as she carefully puts the pin in place. "There! Oh it looks stunning!" she spins the chair and hands Lilith the mirror. Anwen looks like she's about to cry except that she has a huge smile on her face as she gazes over at Lilith. "Whoa, I look. Anwen do you see this!? My hair...I look.", Lilith gazes at her hair in shock. It was so beautiful. There was almost a lilac shine to it as she turned from side to side. "Anwen look. I'm beautiful!" "Yeah you are!" Anwen exclaims and hugs her. "You are so beautiful! I can't wait til he sees you like this! I think I'm gonna cry." She pulls back wiping the corners of her eyes with her sleeve. Lilith stares at her reflection a little longer. Tilting her head from side to side. "I look normal. Like a common person. I'm just like everyone else." She jumped up from her chair. "OK, what's next?"

#part 1 #friendship #first kiss #d&d monks #d&d clerics #Saturday Session

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whitewolfofwinterfell · 7 years

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Previously you said that you didn't think Nina delivered a very strong performances of Katherine/Elena, and since I've seen other people comment about that too, it would be interesting if you could dive deeper into that? I haven't watched the finale, except from the SE scene (who I personally think was just as good as all scenes between Paul and Nina / Stefan and Elena) and Stefan and Lexi's scene, so I can't really make a stand point on the matter

To be honest, it’s difficult to distinguish between the performance being poor and the writing being poor, because I do feel like Katherine and Elena didn’t have enough adequate screen time for us as viewers to be able to reconnect with them. Bringing them both back for just one final episode seemed so rushed and I think that partly plays into the reason why the performances felt so poor. I mean, I’m pretty sure Katherine only got three scenes and Elena a few more than that, but still barely any real screentime or dialogue. Her main scene was basically the final scene where we had her voice over as she wrote in her diary, but to be honest, after the direction the show headed in after Elena was gone it felt kinda wrong to have her finishing the show, even though she was the one that opened it and was always the main character. But to delve deeper into this I’ll analyse Katherine and Elena separately, because it’s just easier that way. I also won’t really discuss how the writing affected it, because I’ve already explained that I do feel the poor writing contributed to it, but you asked specifically about Nina’s performance, so that’s what I’ll focus on.

Katherine: Her portrayal of Katherine was so much worse than her portrayal of Elena. I’m assuming it’s because Katherine is more of a challenge to play because she’s so different than Nina, which Nina herself has even said in the past. It didn’t even remotely feel like the same Katherine to me. I have to admit, that the small details did affect my perception of her being Katherine and by that I mean her appearance. I understand that Nina is a real person off-screen that has changed and aged since she last played Katherine in season 5, but she just looked completely alien to me. Firstly, what was that hideous wig!? I’m still in shock at how bad it was. Her hair line was like 10 inches further forward than it was supposed to be and apparently there’s hairdressers in hell, cos her hair was a damn lot shorter than it was when she died. Even her make-up didn’t look right. I know Katherine’s signature look is the dark eyeliner and red lipstick, but it just looked so trashy. Then there’s the issue of Nina’s body language. The walk, the hand gestures, the posture, it was all wrong and none of it felt like Katherine. Katherine stands up right, when she walks she struts in an almost seductive and arrogant manner but there was none of that. The exaggerated facial expressions are one of the main things that have always separated Katherine from Elena. Usually I can tell just from seeing a gif whether it’s Elena or Katherine based on the way Nina is moving her lips when she speaks, because with Katherine it’s much more pronounced and dramatic. Nina did try and do that, but she didn’t go far enough. Her face looked stiff a lot of the time and the expressions were just lacking. Katherine has always been a character that communicated a lot physically, so through her expressions, her gestures etc. and all of that was stripped back completely. Then there’s the eyes and the smile. That vindictive and cunning smile Katherine had was no where to be seen and the glint in her eye to go along with it was also gone. Basically, Nina put on a deeper voice and did a more pouty face than she would as Elena and that was it. But everything that we know Katherine Pierce to be was gone in that finale and I wish they would’ve just left her alone instead of resurrecting her for absolutely no purpose.

Elena: Again, the first issue I’m obviously going to mention is the same as Katherine - her appearance. The wig was atrocious and that alone was enough to make her look nothing like Elena to me. Nina’s strongest performance throughout the entire finale was by far the scene she had with Paul. There was real emotion in that scene that felt genuine. Other than that, I can’t really criticise her performance of Elena much more than that, because she didn’t particularly do anything wrong, it just didn’t really feel like Elena to me and I do put that down to the writing and time.

I know I said I wouldn’t talk about the writing, but I can’t help myself haha. I understand the writers wanted to bring Nina back for the finale since she was a part of the show for so long and played two of the most important characters, but in a way it didn’t fit for Elena and Katherine to come back. In regards to Elena’s character, she was already up in the air anyway, because she’d been pretty poorly written since she became a vampire. It’s like the writers got confused between vampire and human Elena and she lost her personality and identity because of it. She was one person in season 4 when she first transitioned, another in season 5 and another in season 6, then in the last 2 episodes they made her human and did a complete 180 on her character by trying to make her the exact same Elena she was in season 1. Then she slipped into a coma and suddenly woke up in the finale, so we had all of 5 minutes to try and get to know who she was again and it just didn’t work. To be honest, Nina did ruin the show by leaving in season 6 and we all know it. The ending we would’ve gotten if she would’ve stuck around until the end would’ve been a million times better for certain. The writers have basically just winged it for these last two seasons to squeeze the final bit of money and life they could out of it before bringing it to an end. But Nina should’ve never left and this finale just proved why.

As for Katherine, her character’s story ended a long time ago. They already unnecessarily dragged it out by making her a passenger in Elena’s body, which really served no purpose but to bring her back again for that pitiful finale was just wasteful and pointless. Katherine’s story had already had closure and although bringing her back could’ve been epic if it would’ve been done correctly, it really sucked.

In the end, I basically think Nina’s return ruined the finale. I could write a million alternative endings I’d prefer to see, but this is just one of them:

A villain (not Katherine) threatens Mystic Falls for who knows what reason (the writers always find some pathetic, small reason and turn it into a big one). Stefan, Damon, Caroline, Bonnie, Matt and Alaric all work together to defeat the evil.

The person that dies is Elena.

Right after they’ve defeated the villian everyone comes to the realisation that Elena is really gone and they’re all grieving for Elena

We get a sweet Defan moment where they confess their love and cry over Elena being gone, but we can clearly see their relationship is finally on track and stronger than ever

At the same time we get a sweet Baroline moment where the girls grieve for Elena too

After that, Stefan and Caroline come together and just sit together in front of the fireplace taking comfort in each other

In the meantime we cut to a Bamon scene, they’re maybe watching Steroline from a distance and Damon comments on how lucky they are to have each other. They basically chat about losing Enzo and Elena and their shared grief of simulatenously losing their partners and best friends.

Some time after, maybe a week or two, we see Steroline go on honeymoon to distract themselves and just get a break

Bamon decide they should go on a roadtrip to deal with their grief and just rediscover themselves. We see them driving off in Damon’s camaro.

We jump forward 10 years or so and get a similar montage to what we got in the actual finale, of Matt being sheriff with Vicki and Tyler watching over him, Bonnie is with Ric and Caroline and they’ve set up a school for magical kids because of the girls and because Bonnie is inspired to use her magic for the purpose of teaching other witches. Damon arrives in his camaro with Stefan, who is dressed in a doctor/paramedic uniform. Damon goes right up to Bonnie, slips his hand around her waist and kisses her, whilst Stefan goes to Caroline and does the same.

Like honestly, I would much rather have seen that than what we actually got. I just feel like despite all the constant Elena mentions, the show actually outgrew Elena in those two seasons that she was gone and the characters that stayed until the end deserved to be the ones that got the happy ending and were there to see it out. It kinda felt cheap that the characters that essentially carried the show for the last two seasons were completely cast aside and Elena who had been back for all of two seconds stole the show and took front and center stage. The show basically reinvented itself during seasons 7 and 8 and I do completely understand why the writers wanted to go back to the roots and try to recapture the essence of season 1. I thought I’d want to see that myself, but I can’t shake the feeling of how wrong and out of place it all felt. With how things developed and progressed, to go back to Elena at the end felt like taking a thousand steps back. Watching the finale really hammered home to me that it wasn’t about Elena like I first thought. It wasn’t even about Stefan either. It was about all of the characters that were left, the ones that had been on the show since the beginning and been on the complete journey. Elena wasn’t one of those people.

And I’m aware that I’ve gone off on so much of a tangent, so I’m going to end it there. But my main point is that Nina’s performances were so terrible because the writing was terrible and the writing was terrible because there was just no room for Elena (or Katherine) in the finale and the writers forced it. How could Nina perform to the best of her ability when she hadn’t played those characters in years, the material she had to work with was so bizarre and OOC and when she was basically stepping into a completely different world of TVD than what it was when she was on it way back in season 6?

#answered #my meta #tvd meta

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surveys-at-your-service · 7 years

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Survey #67

“i wanna grow up, i wanna be, a big rockin’ roll star!”

did you pay attention to anything you were being taught in health class? i always listened, yeah, but it scared me a lot because my anxiety around that time was mostly health-focused. i was afraid i was going to get everything somehow lmao. what are your feelings regarding shopping? i like shopping for myself, but not for vitals. like grocery shopping, nah man. shopping for stuff like clothes, bueno. do you think people have any misconceptions about you? i'm not certain about many things, but i am certain about that. have you ever worn fishnets? no, but dey sexy. do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? occasionally i'll go to get them done, and the woman who does them is actually my hairdresser. do you believe prayer really works? boy, isn't this relevant to some things going on... the answer is, i don't know, but i'm leaning towards "only if god for whatever fucking reason deems you more worthy than someone else who's prayed for something for a fucking year but i don't want her to have that." the people whose prayers come true just seem so fucking cherry-picked. do you have one best friend who is always there for you? apparently not. only when she agrees my issues are "valid." describe one of your most emotional farewells. well, the one that affected me the most was certainly when jason left, but it wasn't the most emotional in that moment of all my farewells. the one i would define as most emotional was when my lizard shadow died. he was old (i had him most of my life) and wasn't moving much, but i finally realized he was dying. it was so. fucking. slow. and he was obviously in agony the last day (yes, this shit lasted days), as he kept writhing and opening his mouth to gulp in air... oh my god, i don't even like talking about it. i sobbed and sobbed and talked to him so much, and any time i sat by his cage, he always looked at me. he was such a sweet little boy. have you ever been tied up? no. i really don't know how i'd feel about that. how many times have you been cussed out? online, PLENTY. irl, i only remember one occasion. does it bother you when people ask personal questions? who's asking? do you know anyone who’s been in jail? i do. have you ever considered acupuncture? noooo. have you ever watched the same sex undress? she undressed in front of me, but i didn't watch her. have you ever seen the last person you kissed cry? i've seen him tear up, but never totally cry. have you ever seen your mom or dad drunk? my dad's a recovering alcoholic, so i saw him drunk a lot. i'm pretty sure i've seen mom drunk once, but she denies being drunk. do you enjoy mario games? not particularly, but i mean, i'd play something like mario kart for family fun. do you think that necessities should be free? (ex. food, toilet paper) hm. debatable. does it bother you when dogs lick you? no, unless they're licking my face. do you feed your pets human food? occasionally. which is worse: being sexist or racist? oh jeez. do you think suicide is selfish? i mean, yeah, it is, but if this makes sense, it's not a damnable kind of selfish? like you truly are thinking about yourself and not how it would affect others, but sometimes, y'know, you need to think about yourself. i'm not saying suicide is ever necessary, but i understand why it happens. would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating? heh, probably. what are the most embarrassing songs in your itunes library? lmao i think i have one taylor swift song. OMG I DO IT'S "PICTURE TO BURN" KILL ME. how picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss? VERYVERYVERY. i have to be sincerely interested in you. do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting? i'm sure you've heard this enough in my surveys, but never had sex, done sexual things. but i mean sure, doing things in places other than the bed was usually more fun, but i ALWAYS felt way, WAY more vulnerable and paranoid. in your opinion, is it ever okay to get back with an ex? of course it is. people change/learn. what's the first animal you go to see at the zoo? it would be a meerkat if my zoo still had them, buuut... what's the strangest or rarest creature you've seen at a zoo? a white (not albino) alligator! o: what animal is at a zoo that really, in your opinion, shouldn't be? oh, i'm sure there's many if i was more knowledgeable about this subject. do you like zoos or aren't you bothered? i have mixed emotions. i offer you a cigarette, you say... "no thanks." why do you think you were put on this earth? i go back and forth between god planned me very intricately and uniquely to my parents just decided they wanted a kid. is it ever okay to hit a child? when is this? NO. YOU DO NOT. TEACH YOUR CHILD. THROUGH FEAR. do you think violence in video/computer games influences the nation also? oh boy, this question. no. it doesn't. pretty sure we didn't have video games since humanity began, and we've had violence since the start. are you in any shape or form, racist? no, i'm not. are you in any shape or form, sexist? no, i'm not. how do you think the world will end? the world itself, or humanity? humanity will end whenever god feels like it. the earth itself, well, i guess if it explodes somehow. what natural phenomenon do you find the most beautiful? WHAAAAAAT, I HAVE TO PICK ONE?! would you kill someone who killed a child? how about YOUR child? i know without a doubt you killed a child, mine especially, i kill you. what is your favorite cover of a song? "hurt" by johnny cash. bar none. have you ever been in love with someone who was fatally ill? holy fuck, thank god no. have you ever received or given a make-over? ... oh god... yeah... i gave jason a make-over lmfao and got him to pose for a picture after like 30 minutes of pestering him. i'd show the picture, but i have too much respect for him ha ha ha. do you know anyone who is HIV+? not to my knowledge. have you ever been to a desert? nope. do you know any trans* people? not irl what is your favorite beatles song? "hey jude." i'm honestly not a big beatles fan whatsoever. what is the poorest you have ever been? probably now, really... i'm sure you know of the gamer fad on youtube. who's your favorite? markiplier! is there something written on your shirt right now? "we're all mad here" what is your favorite song to play on guitar hero or rock band? "king nothing" by metallica!! \m/ where do you find the surveys you take? as of right now, i've been getting my surveys from a lad over at livejournal who has a good 2k surveys stockpiled up. i'll occasionally pick some up from tumblr, too. if i'm truly desperate, i'll just google search and find random webpages. what's one weird/annoying thing your pet(s) tend to do? OMGGGGGG YAAAAAAA'LLLLLL. okay so my dog teddy has this super weird habit of, totally out of the blue, trying to climb onto me and lie directly over my face. like i have to physically hold him back to stop him, and he still fights against me to try and get on me. i haven't the slightest idea why he does it, but it's super annoying... i always have to bring him to his room so he'll stop and calm down. what's your favorite song by your favorite artist? YOU SHOULD NOOOOT BE ASKING ME THIS QUESTION OH GOD. i have a very, very difficult time picking favorite songs. i'll go through my fave artists regardless though and try... ozzy osbourne: probably "trapdoor." metallica: oh god. uhhh. "king nothing," i assume. otep: eeeeek!! i really, really love "special pets" and "apex predator" like the same!! marilyn manson: yikes. errr. "heart-shaped glasses," maybe. WAIT. "angel with the scabbed wings," perhaps. cradle of filth: i guess their cover of "mr. crowley." rammstein: "donaukinder," pretty easily this time. a day to remember: "i'm made of wax, larry, what're you made of?" fuckin' rocks!! do you have an "original character?" well, as a forum role-player since i think 2007, i think last time i counted, i have over 200, lmao. and yes, i'm attached to them all too much to kill off half of them. fuck my life rip rip rip. what about a persona/fursona? ye, ozzkat. do you ever MAKE your own surveys? not an entire survey, no, but once in a blue moon i'll think of a question i think's really good and add it onto a survey. why's it the woman who have to give birth anyway if the man is physically stronger in most cases? i mean, besides the obvious, are you asking why it was ever made this way to begin with? *shrugs* who really knows? do you get good internet there? nnnnnope. it goes out pretty frequently. ever had a cavity? how many? i sure have, but idk how many. ever broken a tooth? indeed. when i passed out as i was scrambling out of the shower because i felt dizzy, i landed dead on my chin. a good number of my molars shattered. the feeling of all those broken fragments in my mouth when i woke up... ewwwww. ;D; for a while, they went untreated as they were not causing much issue. eventually though, they needed to be filled, i think because the microscopic cracks that were formed were expanding. it could've ruined those teeth. what did you do on the playground at your school as a child? for a long, long time, i mainly swung if there were any swings open. it was the one thing i actually enjoyed doing outside. in my older elementary school years, i actually started a trend, ha ha: digging tunnels with our hands in the sand pit. idk why exactly i liked doing it, but i did. my friends and i would always be the weirdos digging the entire time we were outside. i remember once we made a pretty intricate system. are you into comics? no, i don't read them, but i still sometimes enjoy who the subject is. ex. i like batman, but i've never read his comics once. would you ever like to work on a farm? i would not. i don't like outdoor labor, honestly. did you ever have computer disc games you played as a kid? sure did! we had "putt-putt," "freddy the fish," "i spy spooky mansion," "odell down under," "oregon trail," i personally had vet-oriented games, and i remember there was one about going up the amazon river, and it was the third in the series. that one was my all-time favorite. OH OH OH! and i had this wicked cool dinosaur game that taught you about various dinosaurs and looked sooo realistic!! what do you think of people who have therapists? i think they're brave as fuck to admit they have a problem and need help??? like what else would i think??? do you have any of those adult coloring books? i do. i don't use 'em a lot, though. don't enjoy coloring like i used to. ever ridden an elephant? no, but that'd be REALLY cool. deserts: dreary or beautiful? beautiful!!! ever seen a panda? i don't believe i have, even in a zoo. what kind a camera do you have? nikon d3200 do you have stretch marks? where? don't be shy, they're tiger stripes! i'm much convinced they're not tiger stripes. all they tell you is i'm overweight, not that i'm a warrior. and honestly, the better question is where don't i have stretch marks. i gained weight way too fucking fast when jason left, so... they're kinda all over the place. they're fucking gross and i've tried so hard to get rid of them using bio oil (which was working, but we don't have the money to keep buying) and another cream that doesn't do much. ugh. lobsters: cool or scary? both. they're honestly pretty creepy, but i do believe they're still quite cool, too. opposoms: total vermin or cute? CUTE AS FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK what tv channel dominated your childhood? ha ha animal planet!!! if nicole was picking what to watch it'd be disney channel, but me, animal planet. (: it's such a shame how much animal planet has changed, though... now it's all about people and how to survive a fucking animal attack... ever actually seen a snake in the wild? here in the rural south, plenty of times. i have two noteworthy occasions, though. once, when i was being dropped off at home from school by a family friend, we stopped short because of something in the driveway. my sisters and i got out of the car to see a rattlesnake- a HUGE one- curled up, head raised, hissing, and rattling its tail vigorously. we called for our mom and dad, who came outside and immediately called somebody; i don't recall who, but they were not going to harm the snake. they came quickly and, with a shovel i think, moved the snake to the large tobacco field right across the road of our house. the snake was quite compliant, i was surprised. second, also many years ago, i was taking a walk and found a pretty small snake in the middle of the road, which is just a gravel path. it didn't want to move, but it seemed perfectly alive and healthy. i couldn't identify the species, but i don't think it was venomous. regardless though, i refused to be stupid and touch it, but i still stayed by it and directly a car once around the snake because i didn't want it run over. my friend came over, however (they were whom i got around the snake), so i abandoned the serpent and went home to play. after she left, i went to check on the snake, and he'd been run over. :( i was sincerely sad. have you ever had a PET snake? what kind? i've had two! my first ever was a ball python named mona lisa, and wow... i never knew it was POSSIBLE to love a snake so dearly. i mean, "it's just a snake," right? no, she was family. she was going to play a big part in my senior project actually, but she sadly died due to the pet store's own negligence (there was a tick on her when we adopted her, and it apparently made her ill). after mona, i adopted another snake quite a while later; it was too young to distinguish gender, so i gave it a neutral name: cato. it too was a ball python, and we had little cato for a very short period of time... it never deficated, and when it passed and its tailbase swole up, we took its corpse right to petsmart because i had a feeling they were to blame. again. apparently, we'd adopted a sick snake: something was wrong with its bowels, no doubt, and the employee assumed it had to do with bacteria. i absolutely refuse to ever adopt a reptile from petsmart or petco ever again; they just don't treat their reptiles and rodents (i've got a gooood story about rats...) like family in my frank opinion. i've located a ball python morph breeder instead, and i plan on adopting from him very, very soon. (: ever had an encounter with a snapping turtle? they're scary! ha ha ha omg guys my older sister ashley once fished up a HUGE snapping turtle!! it was liiivid! i can't remember how my dad did it, but he got it off suuuuuper-duper carefully. wait, or maybe he just cut the line, i don't remember. do you like oatmeal? eh, i have to be in the mood, and it needs JUST the right amount of milk or it's too liquidy. i also only eat it with milk, not water. wherever you live, have you ever seen your national bird? i have once in the wild! :D i live in north america, so it was the bald eagle. it was SO BIG. ever had a reptile as a pet that you had to feed crickets? did you ever pick up the crickets? i sure have: a chinese water dragon lizard named shadow. for a very long time, i couldn't touch the crickets, no. eventually though, i would pick 'em up and drop them into the cage. later in shadow's life though, it was much easier (and convenient for him) to just dump the whole bag of them into his terrarium. it was so cute how he'd get so excited every single time he saw a cricket! i miss him. :( ever play hearthstone? i have, but only to get the "i won three games" mount in world of warcraft, lmao. it's an okay game, but i don't love it. i'm not the best with tactic games like that. ever gone hunting? biggest thing you've ever shot? i do not go hunting, no, i can't stand the idea of killing an animal for sport. my little sister does sometimes, though. i don't think she's been in a few years, however. coolest place you've ever been hunting? n/a. how about fishing? biggest thing you've ever caught? heeeeeell yeah, man! been fishing since i was a little girl! :D i never keep anything i catch though: i kiss my hand, touch the fish's head with it, and gently place it back into the water from whence it came. i caught my biggest many summers ago while catfishing one night... i hooked a blue catfish in the eye. whoooops. o.o; i ended up catching it, and it was huuuuge! wish i had the picture dad took to show you guys. with its size, dad said i could certainly keep the fish to cook up for dinner, but i said no, to let him go. watching dad take the hook out though was horrid; the fish ended up losing its eye. :( so i called him "'ole one-eye," hehe. 'ole one-eye was just fine when he got back in the water, thank goodness. i almost caught something i KNOW was even bigger once, though. same fishing spot, catfishing again. fought with it for a while, and holy SHIT i wish i'd seen how big it was. ended up breaking my line pretty quickly. i wanna go catfishing again. :( coolest place you've ever been fishing? i've never been fishing outside north carolina, and not far from home, either, so i haven't really been anywhere necessarily "cool." there's two places i consider quite interesting, though. the catfishing spot, for one, is at a dam. i don't know what about it, it's just real cool there. the second spot, though, is much more wild. it's in the middle of shitfucknowhere and you have to brave through some pretty thick woods to get to the river. It's also connected to a dam, but you can't see it from where you fish. it's a great place to fish for striper. boy, is it pretty there, too... wish i had pictures. i love how untouched it is. i watched a mink, i think it was, dive into the water once. this fishing talk is making me so nostalgic! which is cooler: african or asian elephant? i wouldn't say one's "cooler" than the other, but i find an african elephant to be more proportional with the size of its ears. the asian elephant's ears look too small. craziest thing you've ever eaten? i honestly don't think i've ever eaten anything considered strange. i'm VERY picky and don't really risk much with food. i mean i guess the "weirdest" thing was i took the smallest, smallest bite out of deer jerky once. what's in a camel's back? fat. it's not water, if that's what you wanted me to say. do you believe in any cryptids? i think i do, yes. there's just been too, too many sightings, and i don't believe that many people are liars. i think i believe in sasquatch, chupacabra (not the "omg it drinks blood" bullshit, but the coyote/??? mixed creature), the dover demon, mothman, hellhounds/the many ghostly hounds people have seen in the world, olitiau if i spelled that correctly, i'm iffy with the jersey devil, and i'm sure i'm forgetting some i think are plausible... i am VERY interested in learning about any cryptid. i mean c'mon, a good portion of our world is entirely undocumented! who knows what's out there! "lost tapes" was my shit back in the day, until like the last season where everything looked too fake. steve irwin: foolish for messing around with animals or brave for teaching us? steve irwin was anything but a fool. he was an inspiration for all us people who love and are fascinated by animals. he was my teacher, despite never meeting him. he put his safety aside to teach the world about creatures big and small so we could respect and honor them. god bless that man, and may he rest in peace. you were and still are my hero. what do you think of people who put their whole life on social media? some things need to be kept quite, sure. like i'm not gonna go on facebook and proclaim, "i just had sex boiz!!" or "just took a shit, ya'll!" some things, keep a mystery. your whole life isn't everyone else's business, you know? if you post a lot, i have no issue with that, just know your boundaries. don't you think it's a bit deceptive to wear a push-up bra? no??? is wearing certain pants to make ya dick look bigger deceptive, too??? perhaps some people are more comfortable with the cushioning. or maybe they could only find their size as push-up. or, just maybe, a woman likes to feel better about herself. do you truly believe we came from chimps? why? no, i don't. and i have a plethora of reasons, but the underlying belief of mine is that it's just implausible and i don't believe our body can "pick" the "right" trait to pass on to increase odds of survival. to believe we all came from one organism just seems... very unlikely. well, what do you think of extra bones and even organs in our bodies? why do we have them? if you're talking about the appendix, it actually does have a use. it's vital to survival in the fetal stage. I don't remember what it does, though... extra bones, i can't entirely tell you with certainty. my own sister had an extra bone in her hand, gross stuff... i like to think of them as god fooling around in the sims creation page *wink* if you could choose anyone to be your mother, who would it be? i honestly don't think in any case i'd want another mom. if you could choose anyone to be your father, who would it be? ... i honestly want to say james hetfield, but i think incest might be a problem because fuckshittits i'd fuck him and he's in his 50s kill me pls end this madness. weirdest video game you've ever played? hmmm. i personally don't think i've ever played a "weird" game. the first "silent hill" is pretty damn whacky, but far more in a scary sense than weird. it just really throws everything you've ever thought about the world into chaos. we're having a pig-pickin'! whatcha eating? oh god... i hate those... please no... D: ever been on a scary hay ride? i have indeed, at the old church-oriented cheerleading and basketball place ever been to a castle? i have n- wait! i've been in cinderella's castle in disney world! :D what's your favorite kind of penguin? i think they're called emperor penguins. they look very majestic but silly simultaneously! whales. should they be allowed in sea world? i don't think so, honestly. if so, they'd need a WAY bigger aquarium than i remember seeing them in... ever seen an albino? whether it be human or animal? pretty sure i've seen albino mice, but that's it, i think. what do you think of the song "miss jackson" by panic! at the disco? good song very good a++ what is the wallpaper on your best friends cell phone? i'm pretty sure her lock screen is she and her husband, and her home screen is a bible quote. do you feel comfortable singing in front of others? nope, no one. do you like using big words when you talk? if i believe this word to be more descriptive/accurate when explaining something, sure? do you EVER use caps lock? yes, i do, for emphasis. i'm extremely passionate and talk exactly how i type, so there's gotta be emphasis!! are you loud when you’re having sex? i wouldn't know, but i was always quiet doing sexual things because i was sooo nervous about being loud, even if no one was around. have you ever wanted to drop out of school? definitely. i was suicidal in high school partially because of school, and i really considered it in order to potentially save myself (i ended up having to drop all but one class when the issue was brought to my principal). i did drop out of college. when was the last time you watched south park? well over a year ago. i watched it with jason occasionally, he enjoyed it. are you italian? i am not. are you interested in photography at all? well, i'm hoping to be a photographer, so. any survey takers that annoy you on tumblr? not at all. there are some whose answers i disagree with very much, but honestly, every survey taker i've seen seem pretty cool. do you like bob marley? OH MY GOOOOOD NO I HATE HIS VOICE can you talk to your parents about anything without them judging or bickering at you? i don't think so, honestly. are you interested in art? very much so. don't you think we're spending too much money on exploring the mere theory of climate change? lmao who made this, donald trump??? no. climate change is important as fuck and if we keep this shit up, could very well end or nearly decimate humanity. everyone always wants to know your favorite animal. what's your SECOND favorite? probably rhesus macaques. very mischievous and social. who’s your favorite disney character? probably mulan, but i have no real preference. have you ever taken the eharmony personality quiz? YES AND I HAD ZERO MATCHES GG do you take vitamins? if so, what kinds? not anymore, no. how much was your prom dress? what’s the most you’d spend? i'm not sure how much either of them costs... and i really don't know how much i'd pay, but not too much, i mean, it's just prom. would you marry someone of a different religion? depends on the religion, really. like some religions have beliefs i would never respect, such as some religions believe the woman is far lesser than the man. i wouldn't marry someone with those beliefs. how did you learn the word “fuck”? school, i'm sure. if you could make one of your enemies your best friend, who would it be? why would i want to be friends with my enemy, as anyone who i consider my enemy is obviously so for a reason? what is the last movie you saw in theaters? trolls. soooo cute. (: have you ever got into a wreck? i've been in an accident, not a wreck, i'd say. do you think you are an argumentative person? no. to avoid confrontation, i usually just keep my opinion to myself to avoid this whole issue. can you admit when you’re wrong? i'm quick to admit that honestly. i doubt myself. are you easily confused? VERY VERY VERY do you think you would make a good wife/husband? i hope... have you ever caught a butterfly? omg i forgot this story... a few days after jason left (it may have even been the next day, i don't recall), i found a yellow-and-black, crippled butterfly. i tried so hard to nurse it back to health, but it was useless, it was going to and did die. i buried it in my back yard among crysanthemums (i probably murdered spelling that). honestly, part of me getting my semicolon butterfly tattoo relates to that butterfly. have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk? no, that sounds... really wrong. do you like being kissed on the neck? if you want your clothes ripped off, sure. favorite song by the band the offspring? uh-oh, i'm not sure! i reeeaaally love "why don't you get a job" and "pretty fly for a white guy" about the same. how many times each morning do you press the snooze button? i never use an alarm, so. when you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? fries because i'm a fat american what video game or computer game are you best at? am i best at? idk, really. how do you normally come across new music? youtube's recommendations what subject in school do you feel is the least necessary? it depends on what you want to do in your future, really. they all have purpose, just not for everyone. do you enjoy power outages or do you get annoyed? i wouldn't say i "enjoy" them, but i'll usually get excited a bit for like a minute just because something different is going on. are you pretty politically correct? yes and no. have you ever behaved like a stalker? ... i think so, honestly. do you appreciate other people’s opinions? appreciate, yes. it's part of what makes us unique. if you could pick your own pet name, what would it be? *shrugs* do you care what’s going on in the world? i'm one of the idiots that lives on it, duh i do. how many partners is too many? having any more than one do you examine the tissue after you blow your nose? yeah, ensure there's no blood or anything. do you prefer boys to shave down there? no preference. whatever they're comfortable with. how much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? all she knows is i almost had sex once but didn't. i talked to her about it because i felt VERY guilty. are any of your siblings married? what are their spouse’s names? only ashley is married, and her husband's name is nick. have you ever had a pet bird? no, i wish. how many times have you moved in your lifetime? i've moved twice. if you could get one piercing and one tattoo, where would you want them? piercing, labret. one tattoo... ohhhh man... i think it'd still probably be what i'm starting next: the painting "denialism" by da's tatchit on my right upper arm. it doesn't have a personal meaning to me, honestly, i just think it's fucking awesome. would you consider yourself to be adventurous? depends, really. what're the risks of what i'm doing? has any part of your house ever been flooded? no, only our yard. is there anyone that you're worried about right now? who and why? well, jason is the obvious. i always worry about him, whether or not he's happy and moreso if he's being loved enough... because i can guaranfuckingtee ashley will never love him like i do. if you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? to what organization would you donate it? i'm sure i would, but idk where. describe the best friend you've ever had, or the best person you've ever known. jason, quite easily. he was both my boyfriend and best friend. he just kinda... changed one day. have you ever adopted a stray animal? MANY cats, yes. if you were seriously ill and couldn't find the necessary help or treatment in your home country, would you ever travel abroad to get treatment, expenses aside? who wouldn't, honestly? what time did you wake up this morning? i'm woke 24/7, motherfucker. ever wonder if you’re someone’s everything? i have. apparently, i wasn't. would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde? i actually kinda want to, but it's another hair color mom won't allow. my hair is like supremely healthy and she doesn't want me to ruin it. what is your mom’s middle name? marie do you know the color of your ex boyfriend/girlfriend’s eyes? yes, a very mellow dark brown. have you had your wisdom teeth out? no, but it looks to be inevitable soon. your appendix? nope, i still have it.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

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theycallmetubeless · 7 years

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001. (b)

Since its been so long since my original endo post, I decided to start over. And to start from the beginning. So here it goes..

Age 11 : Seventh grade.

Starting middle school was exciting for me. I was homeschooled through sixth grade, so it was nice to go back to school with my friends. Despite my excitement, my body was slowly figuring out other plans. I would go home early weekly for nausea, stomach pain, headaches – all generally unexplained. Me and the school nurse got pretty close. I’d go to her office and she would pretty much ask me, “Advil? Or do you just want to go home?” You could tell she was skeptical but, I looked miserable, kinda hard to argue with it. Teachers would get frustrating with my sleeping in class, but it wasn’t out of disobedience, it was merely out of necessity. And they could only argue with my grades so much because I was doing so well. None of this drew many red flags, just assumed to be a preteen on her way into puberty.

Age 13 : Summer pre high school

Good old mother nature decided to bless me on the wonderful summer when I was on my way to high school. From my first cycle, the pain was terrible. But that’s what you’d expect right? Bleeding from the inside out, all you ever heard was about how cramps sucked and methods to manage them. So I managed. I started high school at a vocational high school where you graduate certified in a trade. I was going for Cosmetology, and we had to go through an interview process before being accepted into a trade. During my interview I was questioned on my attendance record.. At a vocational school attendance is less lenient than public school due to the fact that each certification program requires a specific amount of hours. I had missed almost double the amount of days allowed. Despite my 4.0 GPA, my health had started to take a toll on my life path. I knew I couldn’t promise to miss less days, because with my body was starting to show me it wasn’t set up that way. So by the end of Freshman year, my health had pushed me to transfer to a public school despite my goals.

Age 14 : Summer pre sophomore year.

I managed to convince my mom to make me an appointment with her GYN because this pain was not going away, and the irregularity had moved towards being regulated 0% … The GYN summed it up to dysmenorrhea (bad cramps) and sent me away with birth control and advice on how Advil and heating pads can be helpful.

Age 14 – 16 : Sophomore & junior year.

Throughout this time I went through multiple birth controls, none helping the pain. I had moved from Advil to prescription strength Naproxen three times daily. And I had to pay attention to when my cycle would come because I would have to start my pain medicine 3 days prior, because if I waited until it actually started, the pain would already be too far gone and I would get no relief. I got switched to Seasonique birth control because my GYN decided since we couldn’t stop the pain, we’d just have me get the worst of it as little as possible. In addition to the ever so painful lady blessings, I began to be greeted with daily nausea, irritable bowel, daily pain, weight gain, severe fatigue. I could not understand why this was so awful, but it got swept under the lovely diagnosis of Dysmenorrhea. Since its impossible to know what other women’s cramps feels like, its hard to tell what’s normal and what isn’t. Both years I always used the maximum amount of sick days allowed by the state, my junior year I actually had to appeal my classes because I had missed more than the maximum amount..

Age 17 : Senior year.

Less than a month into my senior year I ended up in the ER because I was unable to eat without excruciating pain for two days. Even drinking was borderline unbearable. I spent the day getting scans, and tests. The ER docs summed it up to acid reflux, and sent me home with some type of gerd medication. When I continued to follow up with a GI doc – all his testing concluded “chronic constipation” I was just full of shit. That was my problem. So I started getting treated for that and again, brushed under the rug. I managed to graduate, again, missing the maximum amount of sick days. I had lost most of my friends because I was miserable from feeling so awful all the time, many didn’t believe me. I was 45 pounds heavier than when I started freshman year. But as usual, nothing medically was wrong with me.

Age 18 – 19 : Post graduation.

I started beauty school just as I turned 18, and was beyond excited. The program was based on hours, and quickly I realized how my health was going to play a part in this new journey. I was still battling this horrible pain, and many other symptoms, and trying to live a normal “full time” life. What 18 year old wouldn’t expect to be able to do such? It took me an extra month to graduate because of how much time I had missed. And with another year going by and my pain not changing I finally made a new appointment with my GYN. I was a week past 19, and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I went into this appointment with a mission and that was for someone to finally listen to me. I explained my continued symptoms of pain, fatigue, nausea, constant weight fluctuation. But this time, I had a new symptom to lay out to her, one that I knew for a fact was abnormal.. I had met a boy after graduation and while getting into a serious (teenage) relationship with him I became sexually active for the first time in my life. They tell you it’ll hurt the first few times, ya know, getting used to it or whatever they want to call it. But this pain was not a soreness, it was stabbing. In my low pelvic region and lower abdomen. I was unable to have sex without severe pain during, and then hours of stabbing pain afterwards. Curled up in a ball, unable to move pain.. My GYN finally decided to look at everything again. By the end of that visit, I was told to take my birth control continuously (no placebo pills) and I was given a 3 month follow up, and I was given a word that could potentially explain all my suffering : ENDOMETRIOSIS.

December, I went back for my follow up. The pain had not changed, or subsided. Next step was to officially get my diagnosis, in order to do that, I got scheduled for surgery in February. That surgery gave me an answer to why I felt so terrible, and it hushed part of my mind that was starting to believe I really was imagining it all to be worse. So endometriosis treatment began. Now, this treatment isn’t curing, its not guaranteed to help, and it can come along with its own lovely rap sheet of side effects – but its goal was to manage the endometriosis hoping it wouldn’t get worse. Though relieved I got a diagnosis, treatment began and I started to wonder if it was any better. I was put through a medically induced menopause. Then put on hormone medication to ensure I wouldn’t get osteoporosis at the age of 19.. At that time you could only be on the medication for 6 months at a time. So I was in menopause for six months, and then put on a high dose of birth control, no placebos, so ensure my time of the month, wouldn’t show up.

Age 20: June.

I had been through my endo treatment for just over a year now. While on my family vacation in North Carolina, I ended up at the medical aid unit because I thought I was having bad UTI symptoms. The MAU found blood in my urine, but no trace of infection. At this point, they started to worry and question me about pregnancy. I said “if its not a UTI, its just my Endometriosis” – they looked at me like that was such foreign word. And insisted I couldn’t leave until they had a negative pregnancy test, because they thought I was having an atopic pregnancy due to the blood and the severity of my pain. Once the test was negative, they reluctantly let me leave, and advised if anything got any worse I was to go to the hospital on the island. Instead I just slept for almost 24 hours. I spent an entire day of my vacation sleeping because it was the only way the pain wasn’t bothering me. Once back home I had a new appointment with my GYN, she suggested we redo the treatment we did before, but I refused. It obviously hadn’t worked the first go around, so why try again? She had nothing else for me and finally referred me to an endometriosis specialist.

Age 20 : late summer.

After seeing the specialist, I was put back into menopause and on hormones, and I was on track for my first excision surgery. In November I had my first surgery. Waking up I felt relieved, despite being in pain from surgery some of it had subsided. I thought finally, some light at the end of this long ass tunnel. My Dr explained that my endometriosis was type 1. Type doesn’t determine severity, just how it acts. Mine acts like saran wrap and sticks all my organs together, and then to the sides of my abdominal cavity. It can be one of the most painful types. I really thought after this surgery I would be free. But… then insurance decided I could only be in menopause for 6 months on this medicine, then I had to come off.. I eventually had to go through the actual company that made my injections to get assistance. That lasted for 1 year. By this point, my endo had caused me to step out of being a hairdresser because physically I was unable. I couldn’t stand that long with my abdominal pain, and just the chronic fatigue was enough. My body was unreliable, and you cant have a career as a hairdresser under those circumstances. So I stumbled through retail, constantly being late because I overslept for shifts, being exhausted, and just plain old being in pain..

Age 22: Spring.

My financial support for my injections had ran out, my dad had passed away, my insurance had changed, and I ended up off all of my medication, no hormones, no birth control. My last dose was at the end of April. By the beginning of July I knew everything was coming back with a vengeance. All of my symptoms returned and continued to worsen as time went on.

Age 23 : Fall.

I got a job working in a doctors office as medical assistant, it just so happened to be my primary care office. When I got hired, I didn’t realize how lucky this opportunity was for me, and for my health. Severe unexplained abdominal pain landed me a nice overnight trip to the ER. I was given pain meds, scanned, and left with a diagnosis of “an unexplained muscle issue.” Luckily that didn’t come back. But it came with more scans showing cysts on my liver and kidney which could have potentially caused the problem, or not.. and whatever caused them? Who knows. By December I was back in my specialist’s office, starting back on new hormones, and on my way to surgery #2. This menopause inducing hormone was different, a nasal spray. It caused severe headaches, metal taste in my mouth and throat all day. It was awful. Eventually we got my old menopause hormone injections approved. 1 month after restarting that, I got scheduled for surgery. March 3rd, 2017. My second endometriosis surgery, this one also included removing both of my fallopian tubes (this can reduce risk of cancer in women with endometriosis). Again I left feeling the same as I did the first time. And at my post-op it was explained that it had come back almost just as bad. I needed to stay in medical menopause until I wanted to try and become pregnant using IVF therapy..

Age 23 : Post surgery to current.

My pain and symptoms never fully stopped no matter what treatment I was in. I had developed constant body aches, muscle fatigue. My abdomen is still filled with scar tissue and organs that will never sit right where they’re supposed to be ever again.. My boss (also my primary care doctor) decided to start taking my pain treatment into her own hands since my Endometriosis specialist had pretty much thrown her hands up in surrender when I insisted I was still in so much pain. I had loads of blood work done to check every level in my body – all functions fine. I was a Urologist-Gynecologist, he insisted my endo caused no lasting damage to my urinary system. I got put on medication for nerve pain, was given a 10 pill supply of Percocets for the days when my normal meds weren’t enough. Medication for bowel spasms from all my intestines still being mildly stuck together. Finally – my boss and I realized there was no way Endo was the only thing I was dealing with. My chronic fatigue was very abnormal, and I have had episodes of nodding off while driving since I was 17 (but my fatigue used to be summed up just to my Endo). I was referred to a sleep specialist. One sleep study later, and I’m on my way to number two. My sleep specialist diagnosed me with narcolepsy. Unfortunately due to certain meds I was on, the test could only conclusively prove severe Hypersomnia, within dangerous range. I fall asleep in under 40 seconds.. it takes the average human between 3 and 7 minutes to fall asleep…

So now, I’m in a struggle. I’m titrating off of my antidepressants, and my nerve pain medication so that I can retake the sleep study and get my actual diagnosis. I’ve started meds, and yet I’m still managing to fall asleep all the time: nod while driving, sleep through everything, fall asleep at work. I’m lucky that I have an understanding boss or else I would be jobless.

I’m 3 days away from being 24 and I have a disability, a chronic illness, pain PTSD, and chronic depression from constantly having to battle my own body. When I got my diagnosis at 17, I thought I was on my way to normalcy. I had no idea…

I’m currently at the point where my health has taken away dreams from me, my time, my energy, my money, my friends – and so much more. And the reality of it is, I’m still just getting started in the diagnosis process. Once the sleep specialist has me stabilized, I can finally move to a Rheumatologist to figure out my muscle issues. That could land in a muscle biopsy, more scans, more bloodwork, more waiting. I was in nursing school, and I’ve now had to take off two semesters because I physically cannot go to school and work. I cant even manage to stay at work all 40 hours a week. I get sent home weekly due to my symptoms being too much for me to handle. I’ve gotten harassed by coworkers because when your illness/disability are invisible, if someone doesn’t understand from a personal level, then it all looks fake, exaggerated, whatever.

That’s a rough background on the last 12 years of my diagnosis journey, that is still no where near over. I want to be able to use this as a log, an outlet, and possibly inspiration for other to listen to their body and fight for it. You know how you feel, you know when something is wrong and when no one else will stand up for you, you MUST be your own advocate. It took me yelling at my doctor at 19 for her to finally take my pain seriously. She knew my symptoms for years, and brushed it under the rug, didn’t think to look for other reasons.

To my fellow spoonies, always remember, we’re not alone. You’ve gotten this far, you know you have the strength to move forward despite feeling every possible negative emotion.

#spoonie #endometriosis #narcolepsy #chronic illness #living with mental illness #living with disability #pain ptsd #fuck big pharma #healthcare is not a business #only human

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