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mybrotherinkarkat · 2 years

Text

The Overlooked Ableism of Jane Crocker

The relationship drama within the alpha kids’ group has been subject to a lot of speculation by the fandom. Even within the text you get conflicting reports about who the “bad guy” was in that situation, so it makes sense that the fandom would be divided on the issue. However, I always felt like there was a dimension that was lacking. No one seemed all that interested in pointing out Jane’s ableism

This might seem like an odd claim to make since none of the alpha kids are obviously canonically disabled, but I’m going to make the case that Jake is neurodivergent and that ableism is the root cause of Jane’s anger at him. If you like Jane as a character, that’s fine. If you disagree with my reading of the text, that’s also fine. I’m sleep deprived and probably a little manic and also the kind of person who writes sourced Homestuck meta in 2022, this is just for fun and catharsis

This thing is long, so strap in and click the readmore

The first thing I need to prove is that Jake is neurodivergent. I read him as being autistic and ADHD, but the specifics are up to reader interpretation. My proof of this comes via Caliborn. Andrew Hussie (the character) explicitly states that he has a learning disability

[Image description: a screenshot of black text on a white background. The text reads: Think of all you've done in spite of your learning problems. You don't let your disability hold you back, do you? End ID]

Later, Caliborn says this to Jake.

[Image description: Lime green text on a grey background. Text reads: uu: WHILE TO CASUAL OBSERVERS YOU MIGHT APPEAR. TOO STUPID TO KNOW HOW FAR PANTS ARE SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN YOUR LEGS.

uu: I KNOW THAT IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE. YOU ARE JUST MISUNDERSTOOD.

uu: IT IS POSSIBLE THAT YOU JUST HAVE A SPECIAL MIND.

uu: LIKE ME. End ID]

So Caliborn is the one who points out that Jake is probably neurodivergent. Jake goes on to agree, and to say that he thinks he’s probably having trouble with his friends because there’s something about him they don’t understand

[Image description: Forest green text on a grey background. Text reads: GT: That maybe there is something special about me that nobody can understand. And maybe thats why i always seem to be botching things up the wazoo with my pals. End ID]

So Jake being some form of neurodivergent is canon, and he himself links it to his friend group drama. Why autism and ADHD, though? Well it’s partially because I relate to him, but I do think there's a canon basis. Jake has a tendency to ramble on without realizing the other person isn’t interested (ADHD), has difficulty picking up on social cues (autistic), doubts his own interpretations of those cues (autistic), has strong interests that his friends think are odd (special interests/hyperfixations), talks in a very particular way, and generally feels out of step with everyone around him. His arc from being happily goofy and fun-loving to being folded in on himself and blaming himself for not navigating a tricky social situation well is also the quintessential ND adolescence. We learn, like Jake did, that our ND traits are “bad” and we need to suppress them or earn the ire of those around us

But I digress. Let’s move on to the main event: dissecting the alpha kids’ relationship drama and addressing the ableism. Jane has a crush on Jake, but hasn’t worked up the nerve to confess yet. Jake has picked up on this, but isn’t sure if he’s reading the situation right, so he asks her outright

[Image description: Forest green text on a grey background. Text reads: GT: Maybe its just my imagination but ive picked up on certain lets say hints.

GT: So i have to just come out and ask. End ID]

So Jake isn’t actually as oblivious as his friends frequently joke about behind his back, but he’s not sure if he can trust that he’s picking up the social cues correctly. This is very much an autistic mood. He’s probably been getting signals from his friends for years making it clear that he’s missing something, so he now second-guesses himself

When Jake asks if Jane likes him, she explicitly says that she doesn’t. He’s a little confused, but takes her at her word and believes he misread her friendship as romantic feelings. He doesn’t realize that her replies are so stilted because she’s lying and overwhelmed, and when he points out that she’s being a little odd she brushes him off. She also repeatedly affirms that she wants to be there for him as a friend, and responds with what Jake interprets as genuine interest.

Now, this sets a precedent in Jake’s mind. Jane just told him, outright, that she isn’t interested in him and is okay with him talking to her about his (at the time potential) relationship with Dirk. In the future, when she responds with that same sort of stilted disinterest, he reads it as genuine interest because she told him to

And it’s not like Jane doesn’t know Jake struggles with social cues. As I stated above, the other alpha kids regularly talk about how “oblivious” Jake is behind his back. They all know he struggles to understand them, and they all chalk it up to Jake being weird instead of trying to communicate with him in a way he understands. So Jane knows Jake doesn’t understand that she’s only being polite, and lets him believe she’s okay with this kind of conversation in the future

Meanwhile, in the future, Jake starts up a conversation with Jane that ends in disaster. The first thing that goes wrong is that Jake has forgotten Jane’s birthday (ADHD brain, babey). When she tells him he apologizes profusely and offers to come over right away, but Jane brushes him off and asks why he wanted to talk. He shelves the Dirk angst and tries to just have a friendly conversation, but Jane isn’t interested in his long-winded ramblings and stories he’s told her before (the ADHD vibes are off the charts). When she asks him to get to the point, he then begins telling her about his relationship drama. Jane eventually gets fed up and yells at him to shut up, and this is his response

[Image description: Light blue and forest green text on a grey background. Text reads: GG: Shut up!!!

GT: Errr.

GT: Did i say something wrong? End ID]

Jake has clearly misread the situation, but it’s built on the same misunderstanding of social cues that Jane had previously reinforced. Jane continues to yell at him, and he repeatedly asks her what’s wrong and tries to get her to calm down so that they can talk about it. Instead of that, Jane berates him for talking a lot (ADHD trait), being “clueless” aka missing social cues (autistic trait), not realizing how long it’s been since they talked (ADHD trait), and talking about Dirk a lot (which she previously said she was okay with)

When she finally tries to drop the fact that she used to have feelings for him, she isn’t very clear, and Jake thinks she means she had feelings for Dirk. Remember, she explicitly said that she did not have feelings for Jake. Jake immediately blames himself for not realizing, and insults himself, then apologizes for not realizing their conversations were upsetting her. When she realizes he’s misunderstood again, she screams and flips a table, cancels her birthday party so that he won’t have a chance to talk to her about this in person, and destroys her headset

So let’s recap. Jake stays calm and tries to understand why Jane is upset, apologizes for screwing up, and makes multiple efforts to clear things up between them. Jane throws a tantrum because she got fed up with Jake’s neurodivergent traits, and the misunderstandings that she caused. Granted, she’s dealing with a lot of stress, but they all are

After this, Jane yells at Roxy for a bit and then leaves. Jake has the conversation with Caliborn mentioned above, and not too long after we start the trickster arc

Skipping over those shenanigans, we move to the post-trickster alpha kid conversations. Dirk and Jane talk about their mutual former feelings for Jake now that Dirk and Jake have broken up. Unlike Dirk, Jane doesn’t really acknowledge that her actions might have harmed Jake beyond just jeopardizing their friendship. Jake, for his part, blames himself entirely for everything

Crockertier bullshit aside, this is more or less where things are left with them. Jake’s self esteem ripped to shreds, and Jane relatively unscathed. Obviously this isn’t all Jane’s fault. All the alpha kids (and yes I include Lil’ Hal as an alpha kid) are ableist to Jake to some degree, as well as Vriska (because of course Vriska bullied the disabled kid with self esteem issues, that’s what she does)

So, is Jane being ableist to Jake. Well, she likely doesn’t know he’s neurodivergent, so she’s not doing it with any intentional malice. However, the things she yells at him for are all traits of neurodivergence. Traits that he displays shame and self-loathing for having. The fact is that it doesn’t matter whether or not Jane knew he was ND, or meant to be ableist. Her actions were ableist. She thinks Jake’s ND traits are character flaws, that they make him self-centered and rude, so she feels justified in chewing him out over it

From her perspective this isn’t really a big deal. Jake was obnoxious for a few months, she yelled at him out of frustration, and then she moved on. But from Jake’s perspective this is clearly devastating. He feels like he’s doing everything wrong, that he’s alienating his friends, that he’s a douchemuffin (his word), for… being autistic and ADHD?

No like seriously, what did he actually do wrong? Jake is struggling to keep his head above water in a friend group that sees him struggling and laughs it off instead of helping him fit in. They don’t realize how much this is hurting Jake, or that he needs them to meet him in the middle. Even when they’re nice to him it tends to have an air of pity or amusement. Jane happens to have the most blatant ableist actions, but it’s not all on her

So why is this overlooked? Well, because it’s supposed to be. Jake struggling to communicate is played for laughs, and this is never given the gravity or seriousness that it deserves. While we do see John and Tavrossprite making an effort to help him feel welcome and accepted, there’s never really an examination of how Jake got to this point. Typical Homestuck, especially that late in the comic, but because the comic treats it like a joke the readers treat it like one too

Anyway this was a long and rambly way of saying that Jake English deserved better. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day/night/timezone

#jane crocker #jake english #homestuck #hs #meta #anti-jane crocker #not really but i know some people blacklist tags like that so im including it #just casually writing nearly 2k words of homestuck meta #on four hours of sleep in nearly 48hrs #anyway this has bugged me for so long and now i am releasing my thoughts into the world to infect your brains #have fun

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rudjedet · 3 years

Note

Sorry to add to your long list of asks, but:

I can haz 'Thutmose loved his cat' story?

Oh don't worry, I love talking about Thutmose and his cat!

Anyway, so crown prince Thutmose was the son of Amenhotep III and would have succeeded him had he not died (we don't know what of) prior to Amenhotep III himself. We don't know a lot about Thutmose, but we do know he loved his cat so much that, upon her death, she got her own cat-sized limestone sarcophagus.

It even has Nephthys and Isis portrayed at the head- and foot-ends, just like a human sarcophagus would have:

The cat's name was Ta-miut, and she will be remembered because of the love a prince who died ~3300 years ago had for her.

#it's Humanising History Week right now lads #egyptology #ancient egypt #crown prince thutmose #odds are he loved her so much because he might have been disabled himself and petting cats is known to alleviate chronic pain #so #totally take that with a grain of salt tho since it has absolutely no basis in historical evidence apart from him dying young

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jakesimfromstatefarm · 3 years

Text

not jealous | jake sim

summary: jake sim is not a jealous person. at least that's what he tells himself. so why does he find himself going through your phone when a certain "bluejay park" decides to text you?

pairing: jake sim x y/n [ft. mentions of jay park]

genre: angst, fluff

warnings: angst, cursing (very minimal), one slightly suggestive sentence, jake being cute, some more angst lol, slightly cheesy bc jake’s just too cute ugh

wc: 3.8k

a/n: ok i loved writing this, which is why i went on to almost 4k words LOL oops. but anyways, i love jake a little too much and this type of scenario has been running around in my head for a while now so i decided to put it into words. also i may have created this blog just so i could post this somewhere LMAO anyways yeah this was my first fic so hope you guys enjoyyyy <3

Jake Sim is not a jealous person.

At least that's what he tells himself. To be fair, in his past relationships, he never showed any jealously. Then again, he doesn't know if he can call those relationships, "relationships". Does a fifth grade relationship with a girl who he was once dared to kiss during a game of Truth or Dare in the basement of a classmate's house during their 11th birthday party count? He doesn't remember being jealous when the same girl was later dared to kiss his classmate, Sunghoon. (Funny enough, that's how the two boys came to be best friends 'til this day, but that's a story for another time.)

But really, Jake doesn't think jealously is one of his traits, even if he's now almost 20 years old without any experience with love other than his current relationship with you and that short-lived romance in the fifth grade. (What was her name again? Jake would have to ask Sunghoon later.)

So he doesn't know what clicked in that brain of his that lead him to this current situation he was in. He doesn't know why he felt a little spark of anger in him when your phone, which you left right next to him on the couch while you went to take a shower, kept buzzing with texts from "bluejay park". He doesn't know why he couldn't kept his eyes distracted from the messages, although your phone was constantly lighting up because whatever it was Jay had to say to you, he would not shut up about it. He doesn't know why he questioned what your relationship with Jay was for a split second.

In fact, you're close with all of Jake's friends. That's one of his favorite things about you, you get along so well with all his friends you might as well replace Jake himself in the friend group. So he doesn't know what tells him to take a little glance at your phone—at the messages.

But he finds himself doing it anyways.

Hearing that the water in the shower was still running (you were always the type to take long showers), he quickly grabs your phone and scrolls through the lock screen just to find that he couldn't even read the messages since you had your notifications set so no one could read them unless the phone was unlocked (darn you and your settings!) Thankfully, Jake knew your passcode––and you knew his too––or he thought he did. Until the iPhone vibrated, telling him the passcode was wrong.

He must've entered it too fast or something. So he tries again.

And again.

Until the iPhone switches its screen to say: "iPhone is disabled. Try again in 5 minutes."

There's no way. You never change your password. And even if you did, you would tell him—you two even had each other's fingerprints saved into each other's phones in the past (you know, before the world decided that Apple's home button was too lame and decided to just completely get rid of it). If there was an option to save multiple faces for Face ID, you two would be that couple that saved each others faces in your own phones.

That being said, Jake sat there, your phone in hand, frozen. Why was your phone locked? Why was Jay texting you 10 texts per second? Why did he feel guilty about this entire situation?

He hears the shower switch off and in that moment, he swears he feels his heart beat just a little faster. He tells himself there's no way you'll be out before the 5 minutes are up. You followed a really meticulous skincare routine (one that Jake memorized by now) that took an extra 15 minutes of your time after each shower.

"Hey Jake?" Your voice calls out from the tiny bathroom door crack that you left open before you hopped in the shower, "Is my phone out there? Do you mind bringing it to me?"

Fuck.

Jake shifts on the couch. Taps his foot on the ground. Returns your phone to its original spot. Clears his throat.

"Don't you want to get dressed first?" he calls back, quite timidly.

He can hear you stop moving around in the bathroom. Probably telling yourself what an odd response that was. To be fair, it was an odd question, considering the fact that you two have been together for so long, it’s not like he hasn’t seen you undressed before...intentionally or not.

Next thing he knows, the steam is rolling out of the bathroom door and you're stepping out in your towel, eyebrows raised.

"If you didn't want to get up from the couch, you could've just said so, you lazy butt," you smirk at him as you walk towards him and the couch, leaving a faint trail of water drops behind you. Jake's eyes follow your figure as you go to grab your phone and lift the screen towards yourself.

That's when he freezes. You do too.

You cock your head, as if asking yourself why it was disabled. He can hear the gears in your head turning.

"Jake, did you try to unlock my phone?"

He runs through all the possible excuses he could blurt out. Come on Jake, think of something! But he knows he can't lie to you.

Too many beats of silence pass by.

"Maybe," he finally says—or more like murmurs. He looks up to you like a child looking up at their mom, who just them caught stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. To his surprise, you don't show any hint of anger. A flash of confusion—and is that worry he sees?—crosses your face for a split second before you shrug and turn towards your room to change, dropping the subject. It was natural for you two to use each other's phones anyways. So then why did you have that look of worry?

Jake knows you well, a little too well. But that's what you love about him. He can easily read all your emotions. One of the many things he picked up from dating you for almost two years now. But why would you care if he tried to get into your phone? Why would that worry you? All the possibilities run through head and his own worry begins to increase. He trusts you. He does.

So then why does the thought bother him throughout the entire day? Why does he bring it up during dinner later that night, when you're both cuddled on your sofa, slurping take-out ramen while rewatching your favorite k-drama under the thick blanket that you always keep in your living room for nights like these?

"Huh? Of course I've heard from Jay today, we had that conversation about that stupid meme you boys kept laughing about in the groupchat we're all in, didn't we?" You answer him when he asks if you've heard from Jay lately. You sit up from your warm spot under Jake's arm to put your empty bowl on the coffee table in front of you. When you lean back, you look up at him,

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, it's nothing, just wondering," he says, avoiding your eyes by keeping his own trained on the series currently playing on your TV. This would be your third time rewatching this series together. He would never complain to you though, he knows how much you love it and if he were being honest, he was secretly attached to the characters—not that he would ever tell you, he would never hear the end of it from you and the boys.

"You're being weird. Just tell me, or did you forget that I can practically read your mind," you say with a giggle and shove to his side, the one you were currently warmly cuddled into. Jake wasn't the only one who learned how to read emotions; you could read him just as well as he could read you. And like you, that's one of the many things he loved about you. But maybe not in this case.

He toyed around with the contents inside his ramen bowl with his chopsticks.

"I just..." God, how does he word this? Why was he having trouble explaining it? You were the easiest person to talk to. To him, you were the only person he could tell everything to.

"Jaywastextingyouabunchearlier," he blurts out quickly, but not quickly enough for you to miss it.

He feels you shift under his arm. He feels the air in the room shift. Tension.

"What?" Now you're sitting upright, legs criss-crossed in front of you on the couch but turned, so your body is completely facing him. He mirrors you, sitting up to put his ramen bowl next to yours on the surface, but he stays facing the TV.

"Your phone kept going off because of him when you were showering," he says with a little more confidence. But inside, he was nervous as hell, the same nervous as when he asked you out for the first time many moons ago. But it's too late to back out now, he brought it up first, anyways. Guess we're having this conversation now, good going Jake!

"Is that why you tried unlocking my phone earlier? I mean I thought you were just trying to leave selfies on my phone like you always do but you were trying to read my texts?" You question, slightly raising your soft voice. He doesn't know how to react, he hates confrontation.

"It wasn't like that, Jay just kept spamming you and like I—why was he even texting you in the first place? Then your phone got disabled because you changed your password, which you never do by the way, so I–"

"I changed it because my little sister kept getting into my phone when I went to visit my family yesterday! Did you really think I was hiding something from you? You know I can text whoever I want, right? You don't own me."

Okay so now he's managed to make you angry. Good going Jake, part 2!

"Okay but what does Jay need from you so bad that he has to send you like 50 messages at once?" He's standing now. So are you, eyebrows furrowed together as you collect your bowls from the table.

Standing there, bowls in hand, you say, "Jake, that's none of your business! It wasn't even that big of a deal, I don't know why you felt the need to nosy around."

"Well, if he's texting you non-stop, then obviously it's a big deal! We wouldn't even be having this conversation if you would just tell me what you guys were talking about," he murmurs back, eyes narrowing. You scoff as you trail into your kitchen. He follows behind and stops at the other side at your kitchen island as you place the dirty dishes into the sink.

"No, we're having this conversation because you obviously don't trust me! It doesn't matter what we were talking about, it doesn't matter who I was texting! I could be texting your mother and I shouldn't have to tell you what we were talking about! That's why we're having this conversation," you say as you turn back to face him from the other end.

He hates this. He hates fighting with you (which is a very, very rare occasion). He hates that you think he doesn't trust you. He hates his insecurity eating at him, telling him to keep questioning you on why you and Jay were talking in the first place. He was aware that you were close with his friends, but it wasn't until the texts he realized just how close you are with them. It's not that he didn't trust you, he just didn't know how to act when it came to you and other guys. God knows how he got lucky enough to meet you, let alone date you, so the thought of him losing you to someone else actually terrified him. Not only were you his first real relationship, but he wanted you to be his first and only one in life. You were it for him.

"Why did he text you." He deadpans from his side of the kitchen.

You scoff with a hint of exasperation. "You're kidding me."

You stare at him. He stares back, quirking an eyebrow, as if restating the same question back, as if testing you.

You're fuming now. Why was he making it so hard? Why was he doubting you? Out of frustration, you start laughing, which scares him. That can't be good.

"Fine. You wanna know so bad? Take a look," you're one tone level away from screaming as you take your phone out of your pocket, unlock it, and open up your conversation with "bluejay park", sliding the phone across the island to reach him.

Jake stares at the phone which now lies there, unlocked, facing him. Isn't this what he wanted? It is, right? That's why he started this dreaded argument with you in the first place.

Then why does he feel so fucking awful?

He looks back up at you, to see you sighing and looking up at the ceiling, as if trying to force your forming tears back into your eyes.

Yup, he feels horrible.

"Happy? Happy to know we were just trying to plan a surprise birthday party for you but you and your jealously just had to know huh, Jake?" You quickly state, voice cracking, as you tried not to choke up. You weren't sad that he found out about the surprise. You were sad that it felt like he didn't trust you. That he thought you were the type of person to do god knows what behind his back. You hated the feeling of not being trusted. Especially by Jake, of all people.

"Fuck."

Jake's face (and heart) falls with the most broken expression you've ever seen. But you're too sad, angry, tired (a mix of all?) to care. Your only goal right now is to not let him see you cry.

You hurry past him, across your apartment, and into your bedroom, slamming the door behind you, leaving behind a shocked, and regretful, Jake.

His heart shrinks when he hears the door slam shut and a little more when he looks down at the still unlocked phone in front of him. He didn't have the heart in him to look at it anymore. Of course he trusted you, he knew what you said was the truth.

He mentally screams at himself for assuming the worst––for thinking that you, a literal angel, would betray him. First, he thought he was losing you to someone else. Now, he was afraid he just lost you through his own actions.

He hesitantly sulks over to your door, softly knocking when he reaches it.

"Y/N?"

No response.

"Y/N, I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I let my—”

"Jake just please leave me alone for now," he hears you painfully say from a distance, meaning you're on your bed. He knows the door's unlocked—the lock on your door hasn't been working for a long time now, despite the many times he tells you to talk to your landlord about it. But he doesn't find it in him to open it. He knows he messed up. If he saw you in there right now, crying, he wouldn't know what to do. He wouldn't know what he would to do himself, knowing he was the reason behind your tears.

He nods in silence, knowing you can't see him, but does so anyways and returns to his spot on the couch. He could leave right now, go back to the dorm with the rest of the guys, let you have your space like you wanted. But his heart hurts at the idea of leaving you sad, angry, or a combination of both. He can't leave this unresolved. He fucked up, he has to fix it.

And so he sits on your couch for another hour. The clock on the wall behind him continues to tick as the silent tension in your apartment continues to grow. When it hits 11pm and he's sure you've slumbered off into sleep, he quietly enters your room.

He can see your figure in the dark, your back facing the door as you're curled up into yourself under the comforter. He feels his heart drop a little more when he imagines you crying in that position from earlier. He slowly peels the comforter open and gets into his side of the bed, careful not to bother your sleeping figure.

Laying there, staring up at the ceiling, he's never felt more like a stranger in your bed. It's not that he hasn't slept over before, god knows he's probably slept over at your place more than he has in his own bed. But right now, in this moment, he just felt awful. Like he didn't deserve to be in such close proximity to you. How could he be deserving? He violated your privacy, made you feel like you weren't trusted, doubted your relationship.

These thoughts run through Jake's head as he stares up at your ceiling fan, wishing he could turn back time to a few hours ago, before he checked your phone, before he let his insecurities get to the best of him.

You can feel the dip he makes in the bed behind you when he gets in. Of course you're not asleep. There's no way sleep could reach you when you had the recent events constantly replaying in your head like a broken record.

You knew Jake with all your heart. You didn't have to look at him to know he was probably laying there, hurt, staring up at the ceiling, drafting what to say once you wake up—or once he knows you're actually still awake.

You decide to break the tension by turning to lay on your other side, facing him.

You were wrong. Thanks to the little sliver of moonlight shining through your sheer curtains, you can see him, now laying on his side, already looking at you with so much regret in his eyes. You can almost hear the cracks in your heart physically forming.

His eyes widen when he realizes you're still awake. He opens his mouth to say something, but not before you quickly shift over to his side of the bed and embrace him in a tight hold, burying your face into his chest. Without any hesitation, he returns the gesture, arms holding your body as close to him as possible. As if once he let go, he'd lose you forever.

He lets out a sigh of relief as he breathes you in. He didn't even know he was holding his breath all this time.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry Y/N," he mutters into your hair. He feels his hoodie getting wet from where you buried your face. He pulls you closer, if that's even possible, feeling his own eyes heating up with sadness. He would never forgive himself for making you feel this way.

"You know I trust you right? Please know that. I shouldn't have assumed the worst when I saw your phone. I...I let my insecurities get to the best of me."

You move your head from its home on his chest to look up at him, as if asking him to elaborate. This was new to you, you didn't know he held insecurities in your relationship. But it wasn't because of you, no, you were his entire world. Losing you meant losing everything.

Jake's never been the best at saying his feelings. That's why it took him so long (with the help of his six best friends) to finally confess how he felt about you. He was afraid of letting people in if they could easily walk out. Maybe that's why he never let anyone into his life before you. But oh, were you an exception. The second he met you, he knew he was fucked. But thank god he did, because thanks to you, he's been able to be more open, more vulnerable. He's able to talk to you about anything and everything. He doesn't have that same fear of losing people anymore, not when he has you in his life to reassure him every step of the way. But right now, in this moment, he doesn't know how to tell you that his new fear was, in fact, just losing you.

The sheer idea of you not being a part of his life anymore terrified him.

"I hope you know you're never going to lose me Jake, if that's what you're insecure about," you softly mutter as you wrap your free arm that's not stuck in between both your bodies around him to gently play with the ends of his hair. It's as if you could read his mind, he loves that you know him so well.

"It just sucks that you could even think I would ever do something as awful as what you were assuming...with one of your closest friends nonetheless," you continue.

"I know. I know, and I feel terrible. I'm so sorry. I know you would never do anything remotely close to that, and I know you would never intentionally try to keep anything from me," he sighs. He shifts so he can lie down on his back, bringing you with him to lie on his chest, never letting you go once. "It's just...I just don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you Y/N. Everyday, I ask myself what heroic thing I must've done in my past life to deserve this life with you and I can't help but think you could just as easily be stripped away from me."

As much as your heart breaks listening to him rant, you feel your love for him grow even more. You knew how hard it was for him to put his true emotions into words, and him telling you this reminded you how much trust he had in you.

After some moments of silence, moments of him drawing random shapes onto your back, moments of you two just holding each other like it was the end of the world, you speak up.

"I love you. I'm sorry for making you doubt yourself—"

"No, it's not your fault, I can't help but think things like that. I just don't know what I did to deserve you, and I know that I need to be mo–"

"Babe let me finish," you say with a little giggle in your tone. He immediately stops and mutters a little "sorry". How cute, you tell yourself.

"I was gonna say," you look back up at him so you're making direct eye contact now. "You're the only one that's ever on my mind, Jake. I can't help the way you think, but I can assure you that there is no one else I would rather be with. And I mean that for the rest of life."

You snuggle back into the comfortable hoodie he's currently wearing (you make a mental note to yourself to steal it from him later) and decide to ease the tension,

"So you're stuck with me for life, sorry to inform you Mr. Sim."

Jake lets out a laugh, looking down at you to see you returning his smile with a cheeky one.

"I love you. So much," he says so sincerely, so genuinely, that you almost tear up again from how content you were. Now you were asking yourself, what did you do to deserve him?

Jake Sim is not a jealous person.

No, he just loves you.

A lot.

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mypoisonedvine · 3 years

Text

Seeing Red | bodyguard!Bucky Barnes x reader (part 7)

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6)

series summary: bucky used to brag that he didn’t have a celebrity crush, or really care about famous people at all, which is what made him the perfect person to start working for a celebrity like yourself. except, of course, it’s just his luck that he’d fall for you.

word count: 2.5k

warnings: um just implied smut and fluff and a reference to bdsm I guess?? but it's pretty chill overall

Liked by starkcosmetics and others

y/n.y/l/n okay first of all, it takes an act of god to get a picture of this guy smiling, but it’s always worth it. he really changed everything for me and I can’t thank him enough for that. so happy ❤️

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caroldanvers 😍😍😍

flowercrowny/n oh my god this is so sweet i’m gonna cry

1 HOUR AGO

He smiled as he stared down at the post you’d made, remembering how much effort you’d put into finding the perfect picture (in your opinion; he thought he looked kinda dopey in it) as well as writing and re-writing your caption.

The speed at which your post gained likes and comments was inconceivable to him; even more impressive was the speed at which gossip rags were picking up the story. Sure enough, his phone’s alerts to new headlines about you were not only going off like crazy, but had started to include news about himself as well.

Y/N Y/L/N Shocks With Romantic Instagram Post, Confirms Dating Rumors

You’ll Never Guess Which Hollywood Starlet Is Dating Her Driver

Who is James Barnes? Everything We Know About Y/N Y/L/N’s New Beau

Skimming one of the articles, he was impressed at how much information they’d managed to get without actually getting anything from you or him. Born in Brooklyn, disabled Army veteran, worked a list of odd jobs before becoming your driver and bodyguard. ‘No social media presence, prefers to keep a low profile’ one of them said; you can say that again, Bucky chuckled to himself when he read it.

He found another from People and didn’t particularly appreciate that it spent half the time going through all your past exes and rumored partners (turned out ‘rumored’ is a fancy word for ‘a bunch of fans deluded themselves so hard that it somehow turned into news without any proof necessary’). But he still smiled when he got to the part that was actually about you and him.

‘The relationship is pretty new but they’re so happy together,’ a source close to the couple reported.

Close indeed; that statement came from your publicist, who he’d never even meet.

‘He’s a very private guy and she’s got this huge following, so they’re sort of an odd couple in that way, but she knows her fans are respectful and will let them have their own life outside of the spotlight.’

Bucky wasn’t sure that the respectfulness of fans was such a given here, but he hoped you were right. To be fair, they’d been very sweet on your original post insofar.

However, when he scrolled to the bottom of the celebrity magazine articles and realized they had their own comments section, he discovered that they were a little less forgiving than the ones on your Instagram.

Is this the best she thinks she can do? So sad tbh :(

a military guy…. yikes, she could get any guy she wants and she goes for a murderer.

He looks like a hobo that found a coupon for a free haircut lol

I don’t buy it, I know she’ll always love Pietro!

Pietro being your former co-star that so many of your fans were convinced was actually your soulmate. From what he’d heard from you, those speculations had made things so uncomfortable between the two of you that it killed your friendship. Those were nothing, though, compared to the comments about someone you actually had dated.

she’s obviously not over sam… they were so good together

He’d better watch out for her ex, he still likes tweets about her and they have so much chemistry

Wait, she’s not still with Sam Wilson?? I could’ve sworn they’d been dating for, like, five years.

You were scrolling through your phone with a smile as you walked past where he was sitting on the couch, and he just couldn’t help himself from asking even though he knew it wasn’t the best idea. “Do I need to worry about this Sam thing?” he blurted out, trying to play it cool and not sound too anxious. “People are really obsessed with you two…”

“Sam and I…” you sighed, staring off into space for a second. He made himself anxious imagining what you were thinking about in that moment. “I haven’t talked to him in… years? I think it’s just because our relationship was so public that people are still talking about it. And it had a lot of gossip material— we did a movie together, people thought it was sweet that we got together during production, it was great promotion for the picture… and from the outside, we made a lot of sense for each other. But he has his own problems. I loved him, but… he wasn’t ever going to be a one-girl kinda guy.”

“But you’re not just any one girl. You’re… you know, you,” he emphasized.

“You’ve been reading too many headlines,” you shook your head as you sat down beside him. “Please don’t turn into one of those guys who thinks of me as a celebrity first. Before that—” you pointed to your own name where it was bolded on his screen in the trending topics page of Twitter— “was popping up on movie posters and in gossip magazines, it was just my name. And I’m not perfect. Not even close.”

Bucky sighed and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into him and holding you tightly. “And before I knew you were famous, or rich, or incredibly talented, I was totally obsessed with you just for who you are.”

“You’re too fucking amazing,” you sighed as you held his face and gave him a gentle kiss— the kind of kiss that instantly melted his heart and banished his worries. When you pulled back and looked up at him with a smile, it was like everything else just… faded away. “Don’t read the comments, okay? None of them matter.”

He smiled and brushed his thumb over your cheek, overwhelmed by not only the softness of your skin but of your spirit as well. In all his life he’d never been handled so… gently, with so much care. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” he mumbled, not even really realizing he’d said it aloud until you gave him a beaming smile.

“I can’t believe you’re my boyfriend,” you giggled pridefully.

“Seriously? I can… very easily believe it,” he scoffed.

“I just mean… you’re so…” you searched for the words. “You’re actually good to me, that’s the thing. I’m not used to that.”

“You deserve the world,” he assured. “I’m just gonna keep trying to give you as much of it as I can find.”

He watched his hand trail over your face, down your neck and to your chest where he played with the hem of your t-shirt.

"It's odd to know there are millions of people who are jealous of me,” he admitted quietly, remembering some aggressive comments from some very angry dudes who had apparently also watched your nude scene a few too many times.

"Do you like it? Do you like how it feels to know you're making them angry every time you touch me?"

"Couldn't care less," he refuted. "Nobody else matters when I'm touchin' you."

“Do you maybe wanna… touch me a little more about it?” you smirked, opening your legs slightly in invitation.

“Always.”

Bucky had, thankfully, not let the newfound fame get to his head. In fact, he had demanded that the two of you hunker down in the house, since he feared that going out would lead to being recognized. What he apparently hadn’t anticipated was that that might not be enough.

“Will you get that?” you requested when the gate buzzed, too wrapped up in the book you were reading to answer the intercom.

He hopped up and held down the button to communicate with the gate speaker. “Who is it?” he asked.

“I’ve got a delivery from Anjappar Chettinad on 23rd?”

Bucky didn’t even reply before hitting the green button and granting access to the driveway. BEEP BEEP BEEP! you heard the gate signal its opening, and the car pulling around up to the door. Bucky didn’t open it until there was a knock, greeting the delivery guy with a smile and the necessary cash.

“I’ve got a lamb korma, hyderabadi mutton dum biryani and an order of— woah,” the man suddenly stopped, staring at Bucky’s face. “Are you—?’

“Hungry? Yes,” he frowned.

“You’re the guy dating— holy shit, congrats man,” he beamed, smacking Bucky on the shoulder pridefully before leaning in with a mischievous smirk. “Say, is she a freak or what?”

“She is,” you piped up from the couch, making both men turn their heads; but one was chuckling while the other looked mortified. “You better not have forgotten my paneer pakora or I’m gonna chain you up and whip you.”

“Uh, I— no, I got it right here,” he promised weakly, handing the bag over to Bucky and starting to dash away before Bucky grabbed his arm, making the smaller man whimper fearfully.

“You forgot the money,” Bucky reminded him gruffly, stuffing the bills into the driver’s front pocket.

Finally, he let go, and the delivery man instantly pulled away, rubbing his arm and looking a bit like a kicked puppy as he went back to his car and drove away.

“You didn’t need to scare him that bad,” Bucky chuckled.

“I could say the same to you! Grabbing somebody with the metal arm like that will put the fear of God into them pretty fast.”

“I didn’t mean to grab him that hard,” he admitted, examining the prosthetic hand as he came back to the couch with the bag of food, handing it to you while he focused on watching his motorized fingers curl and uncurl. “I think I need to get this thing recalibrated… it’s been bugging out lately.”

“I dunno, it was working just fine last night,” you smiled, remembering how delightfully cool those fingers felt inside you.

Bucky seemed to miss it entirely, though, as he stared off into space. “I can’t believe I got… recognized.”

“You’re a star,” you winked. “And not just with random delivery drivers. I’ve had a lot of press requests, everybody wants to be the first one to get nice pictures of us together— we’ve had a dozen event invites as a couple.”

“Seriously?!” he scoffed, snapping back to reality slightly enough

“Yeah, and look what came in same-day mail this morning!” You leaned over to shuffle through the mail on the side table before finding and handing him a letter in a gold-embossed envelope, watching him read what you knew was inside.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association extends an invitation to Y/N Y/L/N and James Barnes to the annual Grant Banquet in support of the Young Artists Fund.

“It seems like a good first event for us,” you explained. “Relatively small and low stakes, it’s for a good cause…”

“Are you sure I’m ready to be, you know… seen? By people?”

You scoffed, hardly believing how insecure he could be sometimes. “You look great, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Will I have to talk to anybody other than you?” he asked, grimacing as if that were a form of brutal torture.

“Probably,” you admitted.

His frown deepened. “What if I say the wrong thing?”

“I’m not that worried about you,” you smirked. “You’re a lot better at this stuff than you think you are.”

“I don’t have anything to wear…”

You smirked, a little too proud of yourself, when you remembered the email your publicist had forwarded to you just this morning. “Hugo Boss will pay you $1500 to wear one of their suits on the carpet.”

“They’ll pay me to wear free clothes?” he repeated with wide eyes.

“Yeah, that’s one of the cooler things about fame,” you laughed. “I make a grand every time I wear this watch outside!”

“I guess I should send them my measurements then…” he trailed off. “Any chance I can get in on that watch deal?”

“No, but you can make $50 by getting papped at Jamba Juice.”

He paused for a moment, scratching the back of his neck as he thought. “Is the smoothie comped?”

“I don’t know. Do you want me to ask?”

“...kinda…” he admitted with a shy smile.

“Well, I will, and I’ll RSVP to this invite saying we’ll be there next week,” you decided as you started to open up the food, but Bucky stopped you by reaching for your hands.

“Are we really doing this?” he asked.

“If you want to,” you mitigated.

“Of course I do. I guess I have to accept that you’re actually willing to be seen with me,” he chuckled. “It’s just sort of hard to believe.”

You leaned in and kissed him; it was meant to be a casual, reassuring peck but he held you closer and you melted into him, moaning softly at his touch as you started to climb into his lap.

“The food’s gonna get cold,” he reminded you with a mumble against your lips.

Unfortunately, your literal hunger was a bit too strong to ignore, even with the growing intensity of a metaphorical hunger for Bucky. “Alright,” you relented, getting off of him and returning your attention to the meal on the table. “Just know that I really, really want to be seen together, in public, just in case anybody missed the news about us already. I’m not embarrassed by you or afraid you’re going to do something dumb. I…”

One of those words that can’t be unsaid started to bubble up in your throat and you coughed, banishing the thought.

“I really like you. I think we have something special.”

He smiled gently, giving you one more kiss on the cheek. “I think so, too.”

Since this was slightly less of a big deal than a premiere or press tour, you had managed to convince your styling team to let you dress yourself, which was why he was laying on the bed and talking to you through the bathroom door while you put on your gown.

“Do you want me to hire a new driver?” you prompted him, voice muffled slightly as he imagined your head covered in the fabric, trying to navigate through the dress. “I don’t want you to feel… I don’t know, like a servant?”

“A servant? You’re still paying me,” he reminded you. “You are still paying me, right?”

“Yes,” you laughed, “but still, I would hate it if you felt like staff. You’re my boyfriend!”

(His heart still fluttered every time you said it.)

“No new driver,” he decided. “I can drive just fine, and considering how things went between us… let’s not open the door for anybody else,” he smirked, making you laugh in that way you did when he made a stupid joke but you still liked it somehow.

“Okay, sure, but what about being my bodyguard? Is that too weird?” you continued.

“God no,” he scoffed, “if anything I’m gonna be better at my job than ever. As your boyfriend, keeping you safe is my job, but since keeping you safe was already my job… it’s, like, doubled-up now.”

He lost his train of thought when you opened the door.

“How do I look?” you asked as you stepped in and gave him a spin in your new dress. Your whole body was draped in red silk, with the exception of your back which was almost entirely exposed, as if it were begging him to run his fingers down your spine.

“Like everything I ever wanted,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

And it was so odd that you questioned his desire to drive you, because those moments where he could steer with one hand and rest the other on your thigh, when he could catch a glimpse of you looking out the window at the city rolling by, when he got to listen to you ramble about something to kill the time during a drive; those were his favorite moments, and he wouldn’t trade them for anything.

After a relatively brief trip, you arrived at the venue, and all of a sudden he was doing what he’d fantasized about more than he’d like to admit: escorting you down a red carpet. It was almost overwhelming— yelling, chattering, reporters speaking into camera, flashes going off in every direction—

“Hey,” you whispered, bringing your hand up to his cheek and instantly taking all his attention.

“Hey,” he returned.

“Just follow my lead,” you instructed.

“That was the plan.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n

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scuttle-buttle · 3 years

Text

Chapter 11

WC: 2077

Rated: E

Chapter Tags: full on angst, discussions of emotional trauma, mild depictions of blood/gore, mentions of self h*rm & su*cide, mentions of child abuse, discussions of physical disabilities, institutionalization, some dialogue & plot canon to TV show, hurt/comfort

🧠

The rest of the conference went by much like the first day did. Both you and Laszlo bought a few books for your collections. An ease had settled over your conversations with the help of Sara and John's presence; you spoke more freely with each other. You tell yourself it is not because he's going soft on you or vice versa, but rather that you have found yourself in this imaginary bubble where you happen to get on well. It's inevitable that it will pop once you’re back at school and Laszlo will revert back to his usual callous state.

Laszlo. It still felt odd to think of him like that, rather than by his title. You couldn't lie, it gave you a sort of thrill. Even in your dreams you had only called him by his honorific. Thankfully you didn't have another dream after Friday. You couldn't escape the feeling that you'd said something incriminating in front of the man in question. So you chose to pretend it didn't happen.

Monday morning came and you headed to the train station. Once again he had secured a private cabin for the journey. This time you came prepared with a book since you had yet to replace your broken phone.

"Thank you again for inviting me to this, I really enjoyed myself. It was really nice of the department to foot my travel expenses, the hotel was really fancy. I may have helped myself to a mini-bottle or two," you joked.

"There is no need to worry about the department's finances; they were not involved."

You pause. He paid for you? Laszlo did say he would take care of the arrangements; but the four-star hotel, the private compartment train tickets, the admission to the conference, and every meal? Shit, that must have been a fortune, hundreds of dollars at least.

You don't know what to say, so you settle for an awkward "oh." A moment passes before you add "I appreciate that, um, I can pay you back. Might take some time but I can."

The professor is flippant in his reply. "There is no need, it was well spent for the research and knowledge acquired." He opens his book signaling the conversation is over.

You lick your lips. Fine then, I'll just consider it payment for emotional suffering and damages of the last eight weeks.

The first few hours of the journey were spent reading one of the new books you picked up at the convention. Occasionally you would peek over the pages at the professor. He was engrossed in his own selection; sometimes he would pause to write down a thought.

Around the seventh hour of your journey you had given up on reading anymore in favor of looking at the fields outside. The silence was comforting.

Laszlo had trouble concentrating on the book in his hand. He saw you as a conundrum. One minute you could be sociable and teasing with your comments, then next you were biting at his throat with your quick wit and fierce ideals. He decides that he wants to know what made you into who you are today. Now is as good a time as any.

His eyes on you cause a tingle up your spine but you ignore it. Laszlo breaks the silence; "may I ask a personal question?"

"You just did," you answer, still peering out of the large window. He huffed once, amused. At his following silence you face him. You raise your eyebrows to signal him to go on with his question. Curiosity grows at the thought of what he intends to ask.

"Twice now you have made implications of a traumatic past," he begins.

Bubble popped.

Interrupting, you snark "is this the part where you psychoanalyze me, doc? Because trust me, I've been through enough of that." You pick at the lint on your jeans.

Laszlo tries to choose his words more carefully the next time he speaks. "What I mean to say is, the first afternoon in the classroom where you defended that student you implied you had been witness to a trauma. You then displayed signs of anger and embarrassment before leaving prematurely. Yesterday you mentioned having entered a psychiatric facility. As an alienist I can't help but find myself curious about your experiences."

You slide your eyes to meet his from across the cabin. Your face is devoid of any emotion. "We all have our demons. Even you can't argue with that."

Your jaw clenches. Everyone had warned you. They all said he would try to worm his way into your head to figure you out. All the reviews, the gossip, everything. It was a big fat 'I told you so'. You give a pitiful laugh at the situation. "You know, everyone told me that you would pull this stunt."

He seems confused by your statement. "And what is that?"

"That you'd get inside my head and try to figure me all out or whatever. You already know I googled you beforehand, what everyone says about your methods. By now I assume you've done a little research yourself. I promise you there is nothing exciting here," you scoff and point to yourself.

"You would be correct in your assumption." You chew at your cheek as he starts. "I do know some of what happened in your past. Yet I also know that society likes to dilute the truth into something either more palatable, more entertaining, for people to consume greedily. What I want to know is what you have faced. How you have not allowed the experience to overcome you so much so that your humanity is erased like the characters I lecture on."

Eyes closing of their own volition you are thrown back in time to that night so many years ago. You didn't talk about it anymore. Bitsy knew of course, but that was the extent.

Laszlo waits. He knows this is likely to push you over the edge if your history with him means anything. Quite frankly, anyone would be tossed to their limit at his interrogation had they gone through what you had. John always told him that he needed to work on his bedside manner; that he had a habit of coming on too strong in his pursuit of learning the intricacies of the human mind. But your earlier comment about being sent to a so-called 'nuthouse' rubbed him the wrong way. It left a bad taste in his mouth. He needed to know. He needed to understand.

Laszlo can imagine the reprimand that he would receive from John and Sara for this. Just as he considers apologizing for his intrusion you open your eyes.

"She was fine. None of us suspected anything was wrong. I came home from having dinner with some… boy, and she had locked herself in the bathroom. She- she must have started over the sink and moved to sit on the side of the tub. She was hunched inside it when I got the door open. I pulled her out. Blood was… everywhere." Your voice is clinical as you explain.

"After, I shut down. So I checked myself into a psych ward a few days later when I couldn't get the feel of her blood off my hands. It's slippery, you know. And it smells. You wouldn't think so but it does." You clear your throat. "I did the therapy, took the meds they prescribed, all the standard treatments. Later I started watching true crime documentaries. I'd heard about exposure therapy so I figured the more I saw the gore, the less the image of my dead roommate would bother me. And it did help. The nightmares stopped after a while, I came back to school. I was better, just not the same.” You had watched the passing landscape as you explained. Turning to face him you speak again. “That's why those pictures didn't bother me. They weren't anything I hadn't seen before."

He contemplates you. The discovery and subsequent loss of your friend in this manner would no doubt cause lingering effects to your psyche. A stain that would forever remind you. "I offer my sincerest condolences. I do not presume to know what that would be like to experience, but I am glad you sought help afterwards. To make the choice to alleviate yourself of your own suffering where possible.”

As he says this he realizes that your anger towards the idea of being enslaved to unconscious impulse makes perfect sense. It explains why you focused so much energy on defending your belief in free will. That you have the power to choose how you carry your joy, your anger, your healing. It reminds him of how he held onto his own guilt and hurt, ignoring how it festered within him for so long. He feels as though he needs to share a piece of himself with you.

“I played piano as a child, quite well too. My mother hoped I would someday make a career of it. I vividly remember playing Mozart’s Concerto for Piano No. 20 in D Minor at a holiday party when I was seven years old. It was my favorite to play.... It requires two hands." You finally look at him. "My father...” He pauses to gather himself.

Now it is the doctor that cannot meet your eyes. As you listen you feel your confusion grow. How could he have been a talented pianist if he only had full use of his left hand? Unless..., the realization dawns on you just as he continues, his words slow.

“My father had two sides. One loving and the other brutal, the two often coexisting. It was something as trivial as putting me to bed, I recall... A game of tug of war. We were laughing…” He inhales a sharp breath. Already you can feel the tears begin to blur your vision. “I don't remember if he was drunk or if I said something that offended him. He must have pulled my arm behind my back.” Laszlo exhales shakily. “In small children, fractures can often affect…” he trails off, unable to finish. You can hear how he barely holds himself together.

Your heart aches for the broken man that sits in front of you. He never let on how much his arm bothered him, at least not within your presence. Suddenly you don’t see him as this rude, insufferable, obsessive man, but instead as someone that spends his life trying to protect himself. He projects his own anger and hurt so that he may, just for a minute, forget about his own demons. He wants to help others even when he feels he cannot bear to help himself.

But unlike you, he has to live with the physical reminder of his past every day of his life.

You stand and move to sit on his right side. Before allowing yourself to think too much of your actions, you place your hand atop his own, curling your fingers around his palm and squeezing delicately. You don’t bother wiping away the tears on your cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Laszlo;” the whisper is barely heard above the sound of the train. A second passes where you fear you have overstepped and offended him by touching the affected limb. When his thumb tightens against the backs of your fingers you know he is not. He holds you in place.

“You asked me how I kept my humanity. How does anyone really? We learn to take what we get and we carry it in a bag. Sometimes you have to drag the damn thing behind you. But eventually the weight gets less and less if you allow yourself to move forward, even if it’s still there with you all the time. I dealt with what happened years ago and it does still haunt me. It’s easier now than it was, but… I- I suppose I’ve learned from you too. Sitting in those lectures and hearing you talk. We can either let it haunt us for the rest of our lives… or we can accept it… and use the memory of our pain to help ourselves and others.”

“I’m not sure the choice is entirely in our hands.” His tone is mournful.

You turn to smile at him through your tears. His own eyes are bloodshot. “I disagree. If it weren’t, if we didn’t have the freedom to choose that, we’d all be murderers.”

Tag list

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#the interpretation of dreams #laszlo kreizler x reader #laszlo x reader #laszlo kreizler #the alienist #the alienist angel of darkness #daniel brühl #daniel bruhl #laszlo kreizler fanfic #laszlo kreizler daniel bruhl #scuttle-buttle #tw self harm #tw suicude #tw child abuse

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stargazer-sims · 2 years

Text

40 - The Bump

Artie is astounded at how quickly time seems to pass. It's difficult to grasp that September is nearly over and that in just a few more days he'll have passed the twelve-week mark of his pregnancy. His ordeal after the procedure back in June feels like a distant, if still troubling, memory.

He stands in front of the bathroom mirror and looks at himself in profile. He's been watching the progress of his not-quite bump for about a week and a half, and today is evidently the day that his belly has decided to "pop out" as Dylan had so ineloquently put it at their last peer support meeting. Despite its lack of subtlety, it really is an apt description. Overnight, he seems to have gone from being uncomfortably thick-waisted to having a belly with a decided curve. He runs his palm down the front of his body and stares at himself in amazement. He'll have to go shopping for some new clothes soon.

As he buttons his shirt over his newly-acquired bump, he thinks ahead to his twelve-week checkup with Dr. Zira. Unlike the others in the group, who've only been having monthly checkups, Artie has been seeing the doctor every two weeks because she considers his pregnancy to be high-risk. So far, everything is progressing as expected, though Dr. Zira had cautioned him and Emma that it's too early to tell if the baby might have any disabilities or defects related to Artie's severe illness following the implantation procedure.

Artie is concerned about his child potentially having a disability, but not as much as he might've imagined he would be. If he's being completely honest, all he really wants is to be able to carry to term, and to hold his beautiful baby in his arms. He knows they will be beautiful to him, no matter what. If they do happen to have a disability, Artie is confident he and Emma will find a way to manage, and it won't change a thing about how much they'll love and be grateful for their child.

He smiles, remembering what Dr. Zira had told him and Emma at his last checkup. At twelve weeks, they'll be able to hear the baby's heartbeat. They hadn't gotten that far with Emma's first pregnancy, but he remembers the astonishment he'd felt when they'd been able to hear Liliana's heartbeat for the first time. He doesn't expect to be any less awestruck this time, when the device that magnifies the sound of their baby's heart is on his belly instead of Emma's. The idea that there's actually a new life growing inside him can't possibly evoke anything other than a sense of wonder.

He finishes knotting his tie, and then glances at himself one final time before turning away from the mirror and exiting the bathroom. He needs to wake Emma, so she'll have enough time to get ready for work. He'd showered without her this morning. It was odd, a disruption to their morning routine, but he thought it'd be best to let her sleep as long as possible.

Emma hasn't been feeling well for several days, and Artie worries that it might be due to stress. He's been trying to do as much as he can to make things easier for her, so she can rest. He even did the laundry and ironed all their shirts and blouses yesterday, two tasks which Emma almost always does. Standing at the ironing board in their basement laundry room, pressing Emma's blouses had made him feel oddly content.

He'd been chatting on the phone with Félix while he ironed, and Félix seemed to think it was funny that he was enjoying it so much. Félix, who is notoriously obsessed with good housekeeping, commented that it was nice to know there were other men who could find pleasure in ironing, and gently teased Artie that pregnancy was going to turn him into a domestic god. Artie doesn't think he'll ever be up to Félix's standards, but he doesn't mind taking on the extra chores. Keeping the house in order makes him feel good. Emma says she thinks he's nesting already, and he can't find a logical reason to disagree.

The bedroom is dim when he opens the door. The curtains are closed, and Emma is under the covers with only the top of her reddish-brown hair visible. He flips the light switch, and her only response is to mumble, "Is it already time to get up?"

He crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed. Carefully, he pulls back the blankets. "Yeah. Time to get ready for work."

Emma peers up at him, blinking sleepily. "I think I might call in sick today."

Artie frowns. "Why? What's wrong? I know you've been tired lately, but..."

"I'm still tired," she says. "Exhausted, actually. I've got a headache, and I'm feeling achy all over."

"Do you want me to stay home with you?"

"No. It's okay. I'm not ill enough that I can't look after myself. I just don't think I could sit at my desk and stare at policy documents all day." She offers him a small smile. "You and baby Hope can go to work. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. You shouldn't miss any more time unless you have to."

"Okay," Artie says reluctantly. "But, if you're not feeling better by tomorrow, I think you should see your doctor. You haven't been yourself lately, and I don't think we should let it go on too long without finding out if there's anything wrong."

"I'm sure it's not serious," she says. "It's probably just the craziness at work finally catching up with me. We've been trying to meet the deadline for that big accessible education project. The Deputy Minister of Education has been breathing down my boss's neck every day, asking when we'll have the financial projections ready. Thankfully, we finished it yesterday, and I think he's planning to submit it today, so things should settle down after this."

"I hope so," Artie says.

"If it makes you feel better, I'll call my doctor today and make an appointment, just to be certain."

"The point of you going to the doctor isn't to make me feel better," he says, trying not to be amused by the irony.

"To put your mind at ease, then," she amends. "I don't want you and Hope to be stressed, either. It's a lot worse for the two of you than it is for me. I haven't got a... what was it Dylan said? A bun in the oven."

"That guy. You never know what's going to come out of his mouth," says Artie. "On that subject, though, I think our bun is starting to rise a little."

"Oh?" She reaches out a hand to caress his belly, and her smile brightens. "Oh, you are starting to pop out a bit, aren't you? I thought I'd been noticing it the past few days. Does this mean Félix and Dylan are the winners of the baby bump pool, guessing you'd be the next one to start showing?"

"Probably, unless Félix has a bump now, too. I'll see today. We were planning to meet for ice cream after work. Davian's been away since Monday, working on some sort of video production project, and I think Félix is lonely."

"Even with his little alien?"

"I don't think Kaji is much of a conversationalist," Artie says. "Is it still okay if I go out for an hour or so after work?"

"Why don't you ask Félix if he wants to come over here instead?" Emma suggests. "That way, the two of you can hang out for more than an hour. We have ice cream in the freezer, and Félix and Kaji can have dinner with us."

"Can we get pizza? I've really been craving pizza."

"Sounds good," she says. "Félix is a vegetarian, isn't he? We can get a veggie pizza for the two of you. I want one with pepperoni and bacon."

"No. I don't think he eats a lot of meat, but I'm reasonably sure he isn't a vegetarian. He likes..." Artie pauses, momentarily confused. "Wait. Since when do you eat pepperoni? And you haven't eaten bacon since..."

"Since I was pregnant with Liliana," she finishes. "I know. All of a sudden, I really felt like I wanted meat."

Artie wrinkles his nose. "Processed meat?"

"Apparently," she says. "It must be fluctuating hormones. You know how irregular my cycle is. I thought I missed another period, but maybe it's coming after all."

"How many months has it been this time?"

"Two, but that's not unusual. It's just frustrating, because I never really know how long it'll be in between."

"Didn't the doctor say you could probably fix it with birth control? Maybe you should think about that, now that we..." He trails off, suddenly feeling awkward at having raised this topic. He looks away for a second. "Sorry. I didn't mean—”

"It's okay," she says. "Now that I'm not trying to get pregnant, maybe I should talk to my doctor about it again. He wanted me to do it before, but since we were trying to have a baby the typical way, I didn't want to. But, maybe at this point it makes sense."

"It's something to think about," Artie says. "Especially if it'd make your life easier and more comfortable."

"It probably would," she concedes.

He nods. "If you're going to the doctor, do you want me to come with you?"

"Yes," says Emma.

"Okay." He leans down to give her a quick kiss. "I'd better finish getting ready. I'll text you later, and I'll call you at lunchtime to see how you're doing, all right? When you find out when your doctor's appointment is, you can tell me, so I can put it in my schedule."

"These days, I feel as if all we do is go to doctor's appointments."

"Yeah, but they've all been for me. This is different."

"I'm certain it's nothing," Emma says. "Try not to worry."

But of course he knows he’s going to worry regardless. It's in his nature, and in any case, how can he not be concerned when something isn't right with his best friend and love of his life?

It's a struggle to keep himself from thinking the worst, but he tells himself firmly that he needs to stay positive. Emma could be right. It could be nothing more than work-related fatigue, and maybe all she needs is a day or two away from the office to help her feel better. Or it could be...

No, it can't be that.

He rejects the idea outright, the instant it springs to mind, simply because of how improbable it is. He lost track long ago of the number of at-home pregnancy tests Emma has taken during the nearly seven years of their marriage because of an irregularity in her cycle and some random symptom like headache or tiredness. All but two tests had yielded negative results, and he doubts it'd be positive this time. Besides, they've been using protection recently, precisely to avoid any chance of it. One high-risk pregnancy between them is enough, and even with the happiness and anticipation of baby Hope being on the way, they both comprehend that more complications or another loss would shatter them.

It must be something else. All he can do now is pray that it's minor, and not something that will alter the trajectory of their lives once again.

#ts4 #sims 4 #eagames #newcrest #Artie Greene #Emma Greene #aucieletoile side plot #tw miscarriage #tw pregnancy #stargazersims #aucieletoile #aucieletoile1

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jess-the-vampire · 3 years

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Sooooo whatya think of the new episodeee?

Oh it’s definitely my favorite episode of the series so far, i was having such a good time at every turn. I’m glad i went out of my way to avoid spoilers, cause i was glad to actually be surprised by some elements on first watch.

I think this had by far the best opening for an episode so far, we finally get back to the villians, we meet the coven heads, we get insight on belos’s plans-

and then belos gets constipated, which starts getting into the more character driven lore, which is the best part. You instantly can tell GG and Kiki have some bit of tension between them to be Belo’s favorite, though granted i wonder if hunter is the only one to know belos is cursed and actually just always insists to help belos with his fits to prevent others from seeing them.

Including kiki.

It’s honestly unclear how aware anyone is that belos is cursed, like him eating pailsmans is apparently not something he hides, but like....i feel him being cursed is something that people would know universally if it got out...so i’m left wondering if anyone knows besides hunter.

Regardless, belos turns into a goop monster with an angry side, and i guess his mask doesn’t transform with him compared to the rest of his body so he breaks it again because i guess he goes though masks like crazy.

Hunter turns away in this scene from his outburst and even though he’s masked here i can already tell he’s most likely pained in these scenes. Like he’s probably seen this happen so many times, and i can’t imagine it gets any easier for him, it’s probably awful to watch belos suffer like this for him (Regardless of the abuse)

And to be honest, it seems pretty painful for him, i think this ep seems to at least confirm whatever this thing is that takes over belos’s body.....belos never actually wanted it in the first place.

Yeah so after Hunter tells belos there’s not enough trees to medicate him anymore, we’re hit with the “UNCLE”. Which, when i first watched it i needed a second to even process the fact they confirmed their relation.

and i was like “CLOSE ENOUGH”, not his kid but uncle still works just fine for me, i’m just happy my assumption they were related actually came to ahead.

And i rewatched this episode a few times, and on second watch i realized more what happened in this scene. Hunter was talking about his interest in wild magic, and making more pailsman to help belos, and some method that could heal him and as soon as belos looked at him he instantly shut down.

He was clearly rambling about wild magic cures for belos because of his interest in it, and then suddenly remembered his uncle hates wild magic and felt super awkward.

It seems highly likely his interest in wild magic came from trying to cure belos and spending a lot of time reading up on the stuff.

And then we get hit with the whole “Our family is dead because of wild magic” line, which.....i’m curious to know what happened there. But it does at least explain why belos feels how he does, if wild magic both killed his family beside hunter AND cursed him in the first place. We’re just gonna need more info on what exactly happened.

Also while Belos is def abusive and does not treat hunter how he should, this scene actually does read off to me like belos does care about hunter to some degree. If belos is cursed and his curse works in similar ways to how Eda’s curse works, then it’s worth reminding ppl that eda mentions early this season how stress can amplify the curse even more.

And sure enough, belos goes goopy on hunter’s shoulder all of a sudden when he grasps him. Which could be considered a sign of stress and that the idea of hunter dying or being in danger actually does stress him.

You could very much also assume this is just due to his curse not being fully handled and just getting worse, or that belos only cares about hunter for selfish reasons....but i’m not taking anything off the table here.

Belos can still be a shitty uncle, and still care about hunter, these aren’t mutually exclusive traits. But we need more episodes for now on this.

But anyways he asks hunter if he can rely on him, kiki is pissed......and we move on.

So i’m glad luz’s impulsiveness is addressed a ton in this episode, they actually bring up a lot of good points. That luz has no plan, that the time she’s spending here might render moot if she goes back to earth, ect ect.

Hunter even calls her out a lot later for not thinking things through, it’s a whole deal in this episode. I’m glad it was brought up cause it’s actually worth asking a lot of these things.

the set up here works, they actually made a good reason for why a pailsman didn’t bond with her. Speaking of which the adoption thing is cute and i love it, it’s a great idea. The designs are all very cute and fun.

Bump face reveal was a lot for me to process, but i find the idea of his pailsman being a pet that can help with his disabilities a good idea.

Also like, i did find it odd that they got staffs so early because we’ve never seen kids their ages with them before, but i guess it’s a new tradition? Does everyone at hexside now have one?

Honesty not sure why batqueen left the nest there overnight, i meant i guess she assumed they were safe with that shield but in context i dunno why she didn’t take them home after the school day was over.

but whatever, luz stays there overnight hoping a pailsman will bond with her and GG just kidnapps them cause of pure luck on his part a bunch of pailsman were in a vulnerable spot tonight.

So GG continues to be charming, by whistling the theme song and then being blasted off his ship hilariously, before cockily teleporting himself right back on it seconds later. Like he and luz have great banter, he’s so extra like this it’s so funny, and god he’s so FAST with that staff it’s scary but so awesome.

Yeah so then hand dragon crashes them and i was so excited cause it meant face reveal. Poor dude looked so in pain and then we find out kiki tried to effing murder him because of course she did. But like, i think killing your boss’s nephew is the WORST way to get a promotion tbh.

(Also i got confused for a bit cause his mask has always been drawn as a mask, but now it’s a helmet in this scene for whatever reason but-)

Anyways, face reveal, Like honestly ppl weren’t too far off with their guesses, really the only thing people didn’t get was the tooth gap (That was fair tho, we couldn’t have guessed that). But it did make him even cuter.

like the banter is funny, he licks her hand, she slaps him, he looks SO pissed at her for this mess.

and i guess that outfit is his under armor apparently.

He’s lucky she didn’t run away immediately and followed him, but maybe he assumed she would since she had no where else to go.

Also his expressions in this ep are glorious, these had to be fun to draw.

Also we find out that the coven team members have never seen his face i guess? They just assume he’s a silly kid and are awful to him, so i guess he’s not only the youngest member of the coven but he never really shows his face much.

(”Call your parents”, ha ha.....whose gonna tell them who his uncle is?)

He is however, REALLY good at parkour and he’s fast even without his staff, so he’s well trained alright.

And then they reveal he’s not magical and i was SO happy cause i was so sure something was up when he wasn’t doing magic like the other witches despite his pointy ears. So they outright confirmed what i thought.

Hunter is pretty smart tho, like he can tell luz wouldn’t hurt him and wouldn’t flee so he knows he has the high ground here. Like he might be being a bit of a dick, but to be fair luz has been nothing but a dick to him throughout the whole episode (Everyone in this episode has been a dick to him tbh)

They team up and i get excited cause i love this kinda stuff and it gets more wholesome because hunter is super interested in her magic, he thinks it’s cool and you can tell how much he actually loves wild magic but then again...shuts himself down because of belos making him fear the stuff.

An then because luz asks, he tells her his backstory.

honestly with how this world treats people who aren’t magically powerful, living and growing up in a world that would find you useless sounds....awful. Hunter must be an anomaly around here, human blood or not.

Luz coming here to learn is different then growing up in a world and being the only one with no abilities and no future without them. Belos provides him with magic and a future, it’s no wonder he stays with him despite everything.

the whole “Found me” thing is weird, cause belos implies they’re blood related and hunter makes it sound like belos semi-adopted him. Which....if he did i dunno why “Uncle” and not “Adopted dad”, but ok....guess that’s for later.

Apparently hunter is important for something tho with the “Titan has big plans for me” thing, not sure what, but-

But yeah as soon as Hunter talked about wanting to make his own future and Rascal tried to land on him i knew EXACTLY where this was going, it was so cuteeeeee. The lil birb wanted to be with hunter, that’s so wholesome.

And he’s so terrified because of belos and what wild magic did to him, the poor bab.

But yeah, luz then trusts him with his staff back, because again....impulsive. But hunter does actually ask if she’s sure, so he might as well be asking if she trusts him.

The plan goes ahead, and hunter nearly betrays her.

though granted, hunter never promised her he’d stop and let her take them away, the truce was supposed to last till kiki was stopped and they were gonna fight out who got the pailsman. But it does bother luz cause she was hopeful he was better then this.

But just like he did before, she calls him out and he doesn’t betray her, because he’s ALSO too nice to do it, just like he said she was. He says his name (Which also took a moment to process), and then beats the crap out of kiki while letting luz get away and protecting her like a badass.

He might not have magic, but he’s good at fighting

like he can easily teleport to luz and take the pailsman, but he doesn’t, he lets them get away and luz knows this. Even though she also knows hunter has to go back to the emperor too and they have to separate.

It’s only slightly bitter terms, because in the end he came through for her and she knows it.

honestly, the worst part is i can’t even be mad at hunter for it, i’m sure he was terrified to fail belos. Both because he loves him and doesn’t want him to suffer....but also because of well...being punished. Really says something when his near betrayal doesn’t even make me mad at him, and i can understand why he nearly did it.

He let her go, knowing he’d be in SERIOUS trouble and that it would hurt someone he actually loves, so....ouch.

so yeah at this point i knew rascal wanted him so it was only of matter of what happened next.

Which was, luz getting the wood, which i like more anyway. Eda and King doing this offscreen and coming home like this is actually very funny, and honestly i appreciate the message of it being ok to wait.....means a lot to me.

yeah so belos is like...being an ass, like the kid tried his hardest, you don’t need to hit him with the “Is this the thanks i get?”. He’s a kid and he’s trying to cure you you dick, give him a break he doesn’t remotely have to help you like this.

Also apparently belos has not even told hunter HOW this happened, like...dude. Hunter is trying to be entirely reasonable here and belos spikes at him, which does imply some physical abuse though the only reason hunter doesn’t get a new scar is because he moves.

but how he reacts implies this has happened before, he is bracing for impact and he flinches. It’s pretty sad tbh, especially since hunter loves him and belos’s respect means something to him.

Belos is such an idiot, like c’mon dude, hunter is trying to help you and you don’t listen to him you dick. Kid shouldn’t have to say sorry for anything he did nothing wrong, he was just trying to help.

Anyways, he gloats at kiki (So at the very least she knows what he looks like under the mask), which he deserves a chance to do anyway. So i guess he didn’t rat her out for trying to kill him, personally my guess why is blackmail.....he was gonna hold it over her head to keep her from doing it again and threaten to tell belos.

But kiki quickly tells he LET the pailsman get away since he was the one to fight her (Curse his cute loose hair strand). So i guess now they have dirt on each other, so that’s fun.

His room is adorable, though the med kit by the bed is concerning.

Rascal comes for him and it;s so cute....though you can tell hunter nearly hurts him on instinct because of force of habit, but it’s so cute how he cares and how the birb loves him and is his new staff.

it was well hinted to as well, it’s so subtle, but the bird being cheery, curious, and his constant habit of escaping boundaries was perfect for hunter. He represents what hunter wants to be and why they got matched is done so well, all without explaining anything.

Hunter indirectly stated his deepest wish, to make his own choices, and rascal resonated with that.

can’t wait to see where this goes.

great ending shot, love me some conflicted shots looking out of windows like trapped birds.

also this title was a pun the whole time i can’t-

#the owl house #toh #toh spoilers #golden guard #toh golden guard #the owl house golden guard #the golden guard #the owl house luz #emperor belos #kikimora

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biznichwrites · 4 years

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Hoping for a baby

So I was talking to @dudeandduchess the other day about Giyuu having baby fever - and I can't leave it alone. I feel this might be a bit out of character but here we go. This is theoretically set in an AU I'm in the process of writing but I'll write this blurb in a way that doesn't involve that.

Warning: Spoilers for the end of the manga.

----------------------------------------

During Giyuu's years as a slayer he never paid any mind to the personal lives of others. His focus was just keeping people safe from the demons that had plagued the area.

It came as a surprise to him that he began to care when the end of the demons came. The world was changing around him - the introduction of foreign lands, technologies never seen before. Yet it was the smaller things that filled his mind.

As a simplistic man the new things did little more than pique his interest before moving on with his life. A new life he never thought he would ever have - one where he settled down, managed to find someone to stay by his side.

Despite his hesitance he somehow pursued a relationship with her. More than that, he had managed to marry her. Inside he never thought himself to be a lover or husband, but she had proven him wrong. Her nature offset his own and he found they balanced each other.

Lingering thoughts filled his head from time to time. Some of self doubt over his lost arm and his ability to be a proper husband accordingly, others of the life he now led. On occasion his eyes lingered into the crowds blankly taking in the couples and families in passing.

He felt as if he weren't doing things correctly since he had paid no mind to relationships for a good portion of his life. In the crowd he would look for a good example, if possible.

A certain feeling filled his chest when he watched couples and their children. He never expected to, or found himself deserving of becoming a married man. While a pillar the thought of being in a position to have a family sounded like a ridiculous idea, to the point that he would be harsh to those that entertained it.

Yet he stood inside his home, looking at his wife sitting on the engawa past the shoji. It was a sleepy morning, at least on her part, and he could see it in the way she slouched against the pillar holding the roof. She had waited for him to return home after a trip to town that had taken longer than expected. In reality he was a bit embarrassed to admit what he had bought.

She had been loyal as always, making sure he had returned home safe before going to bed. His strength as a pillar was lost on her when she became concerned for his safety.

His heart swelled knowing that she really cared for him - she genuinely loved him. Despite his flaws she saw someone within she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. He couldn't say he was much different - especially as just the sight of her back after waking brought joy to his heart.

Unconsciously he was drawn to her, padding softly along the tatami. Waking in the morning rather than going to sleep was an odd adjustment, but if he had the opportunity to spend it with his wife he didn't mind.

"Feeling well?" It was the kind thing to ask, especially since she looked somewhat ill as he came closer. Sitting to her right resulted in her form leaning against his rather than the wooden stud.

"Not really." Inside he knew she didn't want a fix rather than comfort, so he ran his hand over her back to sooth her. A comforting silence settled over them and she drifted into a semi conscious state against his shoulder.

Just knowing she could depend on him despite his disability made him proud in a way he would have found odd before. She didn't find him less able to care for her, both emotionally and physically, because of the results of his career as a demon slayer. The thought cemented the fact he knew she was the perfect one for him.

Thoughts of having a normal life played on his head. No longer being the scarce, intimidating man that lived in the mountains or the vagabond whose only goal was destroying demons that threatened others - he could have a normal life by her side.

"We should have children." His words were blunt as always, but spoken softly, if only to match her sleepy state. Images of children that looked to be a mix of them playing in the open area past the engawa came to his mind - especially having a newborn cuddled in his wife's arms. Perhaps the thought of the baby is what made his heart clench the most within his chest.

Her sleepy mumbles and a nod against his shoulder were his answer. An arm wrapped behind his back to hold him closer.

"That's good." It was an odd statement from her, but he had no room to complain given his communication abilities, particularly when they first met. Her head tilted upwards before her lips pressed a languid kiss to his cheek.

"How so?" He wouldn't demean her, rather he searched to understand, even if her kiss caused a sizable blush to cover his cheeks. His expression remained steady but the flush within his face gave him away.

"Because I'm likely pregnant." Despite the gravity of her statement she went back to leaning against his shoulder again, acting as if she hadn't given him a large piece of information to process. He stayed still for a moment before the reality washed over him.

"You're with child?" He leaned her back a bit with his arm to look her in the eyes. It was necessary to him at the moment to see her face.

"You didn't know? I figured that's why you brought home that small yukata last night." A yawn followed from her lips. "Here I thought you had caught on."

"I was just… preparing for the possibility." He wouldn't admit to wishful thinking, at least not immediately.

"You're so cute, Giyuu. I hope the baby is just like you." Her lazy smile caused a flutter in his chest as he pulled her in for a hug. At first he found it lacking with just one arm but she paid no mind, rather wrapping both of hers around his shoulders. He maybe bad with words, but she knew how he expressed himself.

"I love you, too, Giyuu."

#giyuu x reader #giyuu tomioka x reader #tomioka giyuu x reader #giyu x reader #giyu tomioka x reader #tomioka giyu x reader #biznichwrites #Kny imagine #kny imagines #kny x reader #demon slayer imagine #demon slayer imagines #demon slayer x reader

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steviesmarigold · 3 years

Text

Stevebucky Fic Recs: Soft and Fluffy Fics

perfectly right wrong number: 31k words

It all starts because Steve is too dumb to handle his smartphone.

A wrong number AU in which Bucky Barnes doesn't enter Steve's life (meaning: Bucky wasn't born until the eighties, but Steve is still Captain America) until Steve accidentally dials the wrong number. Wherein there is a lot of texting, some advice via Natasha and Darcy, a bit of pining, and a first date in an amusement park. Oh, and on top of being a disabled veteran, Bucky is a professional catwalker. Literally.

We colour the world with our hope: 10k words

“Are yours blue?”

The question makes Bucky jump, and he feels an irrational stab of hurt. There’s no reason Steve should know his eye colour, is there?

“Nah, mine are sort of gray. Not very interesting.”

Bucky’s never seen anyone’s mood change so fast.“

So when I look at your eyes, I’m seeing them the way they really are?” Steve’s voice is almost awed, and if it wouldn’t have been blasphemy to have the thought even cross his mind, Bucky would have sworn that Steve sounds like he’s just seen an angel.

Heartbeat: 1.8k words

Sometimes, Steve needs to feel Bucky's heartbeat. Just to make sure.

When Steve starts to feel on edge or out of his depth, he checks Bucky's pulse.

A Memoir in Wood: 8.8k words

"A tree's wood is also its memoir." --Hope Jahren

Steve and Bucky are best friends and lovers, and carve their initials into a tree as proof. It becomes their secret place before the war, and after Steve wakes in the 21st century, it’s where he goes to feel closer to Bucky.

Then comes the fall of SHIELD, and the discovery that Bucky is still alive.

i would fall from grace just to touch your face: 1.2k words

steve reaching out for bucky's chin dimple through the years, as inspired by this anonymous ask:

Steve loves to lay his head on Buckys lap and touch his chin dimple. (This habit almost got them court-martialed once but that's a different story)

The Steve Rogers Guide On How NOT To Ask Someone Out: 6.2k words

“I want ten big Christmas trees,” Steve blurted out, shoving his hands in his pocket just to check that he brought his credit card to pay for ten trees.

Barnes stared at him. “Ten.”

“Yes, ten.”

“Ten.”

“You heard me.”

OR When Natasha told Steve to buy a Christmas tree, he didn't expect to fall for the employee selling them. But instead of asking Bucky Barnes out like a normal person, Steve just keeps coming back to buy more trees.

I could never - wear that sweater: 13k words

Steve should have known better than to get into a bet with Clint Barton, especially when he didn't know the terms of losing said bet.

Suddenly, Steve found himself having to buy and wear a different ugly Christmas sweater every day of December, and as Captain America, it was all a little embarrassing and slightly awkward.

But when he meets the owner of White Wolf Apparel, and is charmed to within an inch of his life by the gorgeous blue eyed brunette, Steve decides that losing the bet might actually mean in the end - he wins.

mistaking your somniloquy: 3.4k words

Bucky figures he's dreaming Steve's trial-runs at declaring his love in the night when he thinks Bucky's asleep.

It is entirely possible that they're both very much mistaken.

Would You Stay Up With Me?: 10k words

“You guys are open?” The voice of a man asks. There’s a sort of bewilderment in his tone.

Bucky turns around with a smile and is about to answer when he pauses for a split second. Just a second to realize that Captain America himself has just walked into his coffee shop.

odd ways: 2.6k words

“And it would have been an amazing night with my son if he wasn’t distracted by the hot guy on the other side of the room,” Sarah sighed, shaking her head. “He’s been looking over at you for the past fifteen minutes.”

Bucky choked on the mouthful of beer he had just taken.

“What?” he croaked. Things were starting to make a little more sense now.

“Right?” Sarah said, waving her hand towards her son. “He completely ignored my garden stories because he’s been making eyes at you so I decided to come over and introduce myself.”

or; Sarah Rogers being a nosey mother, Steve Rogers blushing a lot and wishing the earth would swallow him whole, and Bucky Barnes being confused and amused for 2000 words

Rescue: 1k words

"Where are you injured?" he asks, forgoing the pleasantries, and is already reaching out to unzip the jacket to assess the damage for himself when a tiny head pops out of the top and blinks at him with big, sleepy eyes the exact same shade of blue as Steve's.

Where the Heart Is: 12k words

“Couples are more than welcome to room together.”

Steve freezes up, feels his eyes go a little wide before he can help himself. He stumbles over his words, “Oh, I—No, we’re not—”

“We’re not going to give you any trouble about that,” Fury presses, turning to squint at them head on. “Stark likes to say we’re opened minded and close-knit. Your private life is your business, but you don’t need to hide here, understand?”

Steve goes to reiterate that they’re not a couple, but startles when Bucky’s hand settles on the small of his back. He looks at him like he’s lost his mind, but Bucky’s just smiling at him. “Never can be too careful these days,” he says.

(Steve and Bucky pretend to be a couple when they move in, but at some point, it stops feeling like pretend.)

The Art Of Trolling: 4.4k words

Since everyone thinks they can ask all kinds of intrusive questions about Captain America, it's Bucky's duty to troll the hell out of them.

My Big Fat Wolf Wedding: 12k words

“MARRIED?”

“Basically married. Permanently engaged anyway. Weres have their own deal.” Natasha sounds much, much too gleeful about Steve’s rapidly expanding personal hell. “So you better wake your blushing bride and tell him the happy news: that it was an accident and you had no idea what you were doing.”

“I,” Steve says, strangled. “I can’t do that!”

“You can’t?”

“He thought I was proposing! And he accepted!”

“Wow, maybe he’s just as dumb as you are,” Natasha says thoughtfully.

“I can’t just promise him a ring, take him home, drink from him three times in a row and then wake him up the next morning to say oops, just kidding!” Steve casts around, looking at his wreck of an apartment. “I don’t even have any good champagne!”

My Stevebucky Fic Rec Collection

#bucky barnes #captain america #marvel #mcu #steve rogers #stevebucky #stucky #stevebucky fluff #stucky fluff #soft steve rogers #soft bucky barnes #stevebucky fic recs #stucky fic recs #stucky fics #happy stevebucky #steve x bucky #my stevebucky fic rec collection

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ibijau · 3 years

Note

11 with chengxuan please? i hc that jc has a really nice singing voice

Singing together/catching them singing softly to themselves as they cook/do the dishes.

a prequel of this modern AU where Yanli and Wei Wuxian are missing after an accident that left Jin Zixuan disabled

warning for internalised ableism, and also just general ableism mentions

When Jin Ling is five, Zixuan starts working again.

It is not his choice, though he easily convinces himself that it is. His mother is right after all, he can’t go on forever staying at home doing nothing. Sure he’s taking care of Jin Ling, and still dealing with the aftermath of that day, but he can’t do just that, not when he’s clearly well enough to try doing more. His mother doesn’t want him to become a recluse, and she doesn’t want him to get completely out of touch with his father’s company… and she’s right of course.

It’s easier for everyone when she’s right.

Zixuan’s father is a little less enthusiastic about easing his son back into the family business. As he bluntly explains, there’s just not much that Zixuan can do. Going back to his old job isn’t an option. The accounting department, which Zixuan used to be in charge of, has now been given to Meng Yao who is doing very well there, helping the company make a steady profit. Not only that, but Jin Guangshan explains to his son that Meng Yao has uncovered an embezzlement plot that Zixuan apparently accidentally allowed to fester. Wen Ning has been arrested for stealing money in favour of his sister’s charity, and Jin Guangshan explains he had to use all of his influence to protect Zixuan from being dragged into this.

After something like this, it’s obvious Zixuan can no longer be trusted to lead a team. It’s also better if he doesn’t handle anything to do with finances anymore, because their company just cannot bear with another scandal.

Instead, Zixuan is offered a quick formation in web design, and incorporated into the IT team, just another worker among others. It’s work he can do from home, and he’s never met most of his colleagues. None of them seem to realise that he is the son of their employer, and apparently assume the surname Jin is just a coincidence. During a phone reunion, Zixuan hears someone talk about Jin Guangshan’s son who died some years ago, and doesn’t bother to correct it.

His mother can push all she wants, it’s clear Zixuan isn’t going to inherit the company.

It bothers him less than he should. On the rare days when he still hopes that Yanli will return to him, Zixuan tells himself that they can drop everything and start a new life somewhere quiet. Just him, his wife, his son… and his brother-in-law, if Jiang Cheng feels like it. After those last few years, Zixuan can’t quite imagine living without him, and he knows Jin Ling wouldn’t want to either. Jiang Cheng has been there for all his life after all, and theirs is not the worst of lives.

Which isn’t to say that it’s always easy.

Some days are too much for Zixuan.

Today is such a day. His pain is flaring up like crazy, making it agony to sit for long. Jin Ling is in a bad mood, and determined to make it felt. And three urgent projects have been dropped on Zixuan’s hands, to be finished before the end of the week.

What Zixuan wants is to drop his son with Jiang Cheng, take all the painkillers he’s allowed, and sleep for about three or four days until he’s better. It’s not an option, of course. He can’t let down everyone, those projects are important, his mother will be furious if she hears that he’s using his health as an excuse to be lazy, his father will take it as more proof that he can’t be trusted with anything. He has to pull through, pain or not.

People with worse health than him can do their job, he can’t use disability as an excuse.

So Zixuan pushes himself, sitting in front of his laptop until the pain gets so intense he’s starting to see dark spots at the corner of his eyes. He has to do this, has to…

“I think you’ve been stupid long enough,” he hears Jiang Cheng says, surprisingly close to him.

Zixuan startles and looks up, grimacing as the movement pulls on too tight muscles. Jiang Cheng is glaring down at him, apparently more upset than usual.

“You can’t work like that,” Jiang Cheng snaps, dropping a glass of water and a pill next to the laptop. “Take that and go rest.”

“I have to…”

“You have to fucking take care of yourself. You look like you’re about to have a seizure or something. Take that painkiller and sleep before you make yourself worse.”

Zixuan blinks numbly. The medication he takes mostly helps prevent seizures, but it cannot fully eliminate them. He’s been having them more often since he started working again, and has told himself it’s only a coincidence.

“I’m fine,” Zixuan weakly protests. “I’m almost done with this, and then I’ll…”

“Don’t make me pick you up,” Jiang Cheng warns. “I’ll do it. I’ll fucking carry you to bed in my arms, I swear.”

“I’m really…”

“I’ll text Luo Qingyang and tell her you’re sick,” Jiang Cheng cuts him. “She’ll understand, and she’ll deal with this. So take the damn pill and go rest, Zixuan.”

It feels unfair that Luo Qingyang from HR should have to take care of Zixuan’s messes, just because he can’t pull through on single bad day… but the pain really is awful, and it might have been more than one single bad day. Su Minshan from research has been absolutely awful all month about the launch of a new website to showcase their innovations, and since he has Meng Yao’s full support, it’s been hard to deal with him. And there’s that charity dinner coming up, for which he’s also helping develop the webpage even though his father pointedly asked him not to come because even just using a cane would be bad for PR and he can’t make it through the evening without it. And also…

Zixuan sighs. It’s been a rough couple of weeks.

So he gives in, just this time. He takes the pill, and lets Jiang Cheng help him to bed where he promptly passes out.

When he wakes up again, hours must have passed. Night has fallen outside, and there’s no light in this part of the house, though Zixuan can vaguely hear something happening far away, in the kitchen. Although it is very tempting to stay in bed, Zixuan makes himself get up and, leaning hard on his cane, makes his way to the kitchen to check if Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling have had dinner yet.

Before he reaches the door, he’s startled to hear a singing voice.

The voice in question is good enough that he wonders for a moment if it’s not from a video, but the fact there’s no music is odd. Besides, Zixuan recognises that song as being from a cartoon that Jin Ling loves, but he’s never heard that particular version before.

The mystery unfolds when Zixuan steps in the doorway and finds Jiang Cheng singing with abandon as he cuts vegetables that Jin Ling is very carefully washing for him. The little boy seems very happy to be helping, his previous bad mood completely gone. It’s not such a surprise of course. Jin Ling adores his uncle, and Jiang Cheng has mastered the art of finding the line between too rough and too soft when it comes to dealing with his nephew. It always warms Zixuan’s heart to see those two together, but tonight it is almost too much for him.

There’s just something about the sincerity with which Jiang Cheng sings those stupid lyrics, his smile when Jin Ling joins him for the chorus, the happiness they radiate when Jiang Cheng picks up his nephew so Jin Ling can drop the vegetable into the pan… It is everything Jin Zixuan always hoped his family would be, even if it isn’t happening with the person he’d thought he’d live with.

And that’s what hit him hard tonight.

He’s had that thought before, watching Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling. The right amount of domesticity, only with the wrong person.

But Jiang Cheng spots him in the doorway and grins, blushing at being caught singing yet still happy, and Jin Zixuan realises that after five years of living together, he can’t say Jiang Cheng is the wrong person, not anymore.

It probably makes him an awful person. His wife might still be alive somewhere, and here he is, thinking that way about her brother.

He should be ashamed of himself.

He is, but not as much as he ought to be.

So Zixuan drops on a chair at the kitchen table, and smiles to himself as Jin Ling excitedly explains what they’re making, as Jiang Cheng resumes cooking and singing.

When they reach the chorus again, Zixuan too joins in.

#xuancheng #chengxuan #jiang cheng #jin zixuan #jin ling #jau writes #domesticityyyyy #oh shit I gotta go back to work I got carried away #mdzs #Anonymous

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haunted-by-catholic-guilt · 3 years

Text

Cumbersome And Heavy Body

Jon was born hurting.

Well, that was an exaggeration, but he did have chronic pain for as long as he could remember.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TW FOR INTERNALIZED ABLEISM

i think thats all this has been in my folder for ages

yeah the title is from a mother mother song don't @ me

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jon was born hurting.

Well, that was an exaggeration, but he did have chronic pain for as long as he could remember.

He was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and fibromyalgia at age 26, after ten years of progressing symptoms and a lot of pushing from Georgie.

He had started using a cane that same year, after one too many falls for his liking.

He was embarrassed, of course, being as young as he was and needing to use it, but after much reassuring from Georgie, and the pure pain he was in, he finally did it.

He wore braces sometimes, but found that the cane was much to.. showy already that he wasn’t well.

No one at the institute seemed to care, second glances, some odd comments on the rare occasion.

On his first day as head archivist, he looked down to the archives, a steep, jagged set of stairs in his path.

Fuck.

He sighed and painstakingly slowly made his way down the stairs, he was early, and no one saw him, thank god for that.

It continues on like that for a while, going into work early, leaving late, not leaving for lunch.

It worries Martin, and Martin makes that clear.

Jon does not like Martin.

The dog in the archives for one, his constantly late work, his penmanship, his lack of basic knowledge, his frequent interruptions-

Jon could go on and on about why he hates Martin Blackwood, and he makes sure Martin knows.

It does not stop Martins’s worry, or his kindness, and that’s what Jon hates the most.

Jon tries to calmly hate Martin, scarcely snapping at him, and very rarely raising his voice, at anyone, really.

Today, however, Jon had woken up in some of the worse pain he had felt in a long time, something more than the normal bad pain.

His joints were burning, and it was expanding into an ache around them, his skin stung at any small touch, and a stinging pain threads its way through his veins.

Despite this, Jon still went into work, having to stop every few steps to catch his breath, and regroup.

He got in early and locked himself in his office, not talking to anyone and hoping it would stay that way.

But of course, Martin couldn’t give him that, could he?

A soft knock on the door, more for courtesy than asking for permission, Jon had learned.

“Goodmorning, Jon! I brought you tea-“

Jon felt anger rise and boil over before he could stop it, he slammed his hand on his desk, which did not help his pain but that was the least of the issues at hand.

“Damnit, Martin! I don’t want your goddamn tea, I don’t want to talk to you, please for the love of God leave me alone and do your goddamn work well for once? If your performance does not improve soon I will have you fired. And stop getting in the way.

He was yelling, he didn’t mean to yell, but he was.

Martin was pale and shaking, he looked like he was about to cry, and Tim and Sasha had gone dead quiet outside of his office.

Martin cleared his throat, and quickly pulled himself back together.

“R-right I’ll jus- I’ll be going.”

Martin closed the door, and Jon sagged into his chair.

He was going to pay for this, he lost his temper and now he was going to pay for it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Martin closed the door to Jon’s office, and it took all he had not to start crying right then and there.

He inhaled shakily, and glanced into the break room, where Sasha and Tim were currently quiet, and staring at him.

Shit.

Tim was the first to move, quickly moving to Martin and then ushering him into the breakroom and sat him down at the table, and Sasha gently pried the tea out of his shaking hands, but he hardly noticed, being too focused on not crying.

He heard Tim talking, his voice was loud and sounded angry, and Sasha was stroking his arm but sounded pissed.

He didn’t hear anything that was being said, he just stared forward, feeling the tears prickle at his eyes, he didn’t even realize he had finally started crying until Sasha cooed, and ran her thumb over his cheek, wiping away the tears.

“Oh Martin, I’m so sorry.”

He quickly shook his head, it was his own fault, no one needed to apologize.

“N-No it’s alright, I’m fine just uh- over sensitive is all, I’m sorry.”

Tim huffed and patted his shoulder, and walked away, not giving any indication of where he was going, but Martin and Sasha both knew, Martin tried to stop him, though.

“Tim you don’t- Tim!”

His attempt was futile and the door was already open and being slammed again.

He let out a shaky sigh and put his head on the table before he stood back up.

“Well I should probably get back to work”

He let out a quiet heh, and Sasha looked displeased.

“Martin, love, it’s ok that you’re upset by that, he was an ass.”

Martin forced a laugh, but reassured her he was fine, and went back to work.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jon hissed out a sigh, Tim was right.

He was just graced with quite the telling off from an extraordinarily angered Tim, which he completely deserved, some of the highlights included his selfishness, him being a jerk to Martin for no fair reason, and many, many, other things.

He didn’t try to fight back, he knew he deserved it, but he also couldn’t bring himself to talk at all.

His blood was boiling with pain, and his joints had become stiff with aching, he felt like he had been struck by lightning.

Jon sighed, and stood up, he knew he needed to apologize to Martin, the sooner the better, but before he could do anything, everything went black.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been about half an hour since the incident, Tim having spent the larger part of it chewing out Jon, when they heard a crash from Jon’s office.

“Shit”

Tim scowled but he and Martin rushed into Jons office you see him on the floor, unconscious, Martin quickly knelt by him, and grabbed his wrist.

“He doesn’t have a temperature, but his heart rate is fast”

Tim crouched down next to the small man’s unconscious form, before Martin seemed to get an idea.

“Tim, can you set his legs on your lap? Elevation might help.”

He couldn’t comprehend how Martin was still this caring to Jon who not even an hour earlier yelled such nasty things at him, but he did as he was asked.

After a few minutes, Jon started to stir, and opened his eyes, he looked confused for a second, but then revelation hit him.

“Oh- Martin I- I’m so sorry”

Martin smiled, a sad smile, but Tim could tell he was hurt and wouldn’t say anything.

“It’s quite alright Jon, are you okay?”

Jon shifted a little, before realizing his feet were being held, he smiled sheepishly and wiggled out of Tim’s grasp.

“I’m okay, it happens sometimes.”

Martins brow furrowed and despite himself, Tim felt worry blossom in him too.

“It shouldn’t happen, have you gone to a doctor?”

Jon nodded, and began to pull himself off of the floor, and Martin shot up immediately, eager to help, where Tim slowly stood up.

“Yes, it’s fine, Martin.”

Martin helped Jon sit down at his desk, and looked down, still embarrassed about earlier, Tim supposed.

“Come on boss, the least you can do is tell Martin why you yelled at him and then fainted.”

Martin made a noise, and stuttered.

“Tim, that is not necessary! If he doesn’t want to tell us he doesn’t need to”

Jon knew he should tell them, should tell them ‘sometimes I pass out, it’s one of the many symptoms of my chronic illnesses!’ but he doesn’t want to, doesn’t want to be seen as fragile, and weak.

“Martin I’m so sorry for yelling earlier, I’m not feeling my best and I took it out on you, but I shouldn’t have”

This time Martin looks up at Jon and looks surprised by a genuine apology.

“It’s alright Jon, really.”

Tim looked like he was about to fight it, but Jon felt a burst of pain from his knee, and let out a whimper despite himself.

“Jon? Are you alright?”

He gritted his teeth and nodded.

“Jon I can tell you’re not, what’s going on?”

Jon sighed, and wrong his hands, anxious for reasons he didn’t understand.

“It’s fine. I just- I have a- a chronic illness, and one of the symptoms of one of them is sometimes when I stand up, or sit up, I get dizzy and sometimes faint, I’m fine really, I just prefer to keep it to myself.”

He twisted his hands again, uncomfortable but Martin put his hand on Jon’s, clearly in a gesture of comfort.

“I- I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and Fibromyalgia, my joints aren’t right, too flimsy and bendy, more things too… and my pain varies, but it’s always there and I use the cane to help balance, and no I don’t need your pity or to be treated like I’m fragile just because I’m disabled, it’s just there.”

He looked up to see Martin smiling softly at him, and Tim looking surprised, and Sasha, who had apparently shown up without his knowledge, was leaning against the doorframe.

“Jon, we‘re not going to treat you differently now that we know what’s wrong with you, it can just make it easier for us to, you know, help you!”

Sasha’s voice was soft and reassuring, and she stepped into the room further, and Tim spoke up.

“Boss, you really gotta stop hiding information from us like, ya know, the fact that sometimes you pass out, or you’re going to give poor Martin an early heart attack”

Martin blushed and stammered at that statement, before moving his hand to Jon’s shoulder.

“Jon, I’m glad you told us, I know it can be hard to be open about those things.”

Jon nodded, and slowly started to push himself off the floor, and Martin immediately started to help him up, Tim grabbed his cane from where it had fallen, offering it to him.

“Let us help you, boss, we are a team after all, aren’t we?”

Jon smiled and nodded, and for a second, felt okay.

#the magnus archives #jon uses a cane #chronic pain #projecting #eds #fibromyalgia

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sweetlittlevampire · 3 years

Text

Okay, I know that I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I feel like giving one nonetheless. Or maybe I just wanna talk into the void that’s the internet, because it’s easier than talking to an actual person, but -

I don’t like May 15th.

Which is an odd thing to say, because the day per se isn’t a bad day. I have very dear friends who were born on that day. I am trying to think about them on this day, about making them happy. I am trying to make May 15 th a nice and happy day for myself. And most years, at least the past few ones, I succeeded in doing so pretty well.

But on some years, I do get remined that May 15th was also my father’s birthday, and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Especially if my mother decides to casually forget that there are things you simply do not say to someone else, even in jest, thank you very much.

(Heavy mentions of mental/emotional/psychological as well as physical abuse and mentions of suicide under the Read More. Proceed at your own discretion.)

If you’ve been around for long enough, you probably know that my relationship with my father was not the best. He lied to my mother about wanting children because he thought he could get her to stay with her that way. He told her he never wanted kids when I was fourteen; he successfully hid that truth from the whole family the whole time.

He didn’t hide it from me. Every minor inconvenience, every deviation from what he deemed his “standard” - and I mean even minor things, like not wanting to wear the colour socks he’d picked out for me - was met with degrading and humiliating comments, yelling, and sometimes even a beating. Every hobby I picked out - drawing, reading, crochet - every choice I made academically - pursuing languages and linguistics and literature - was met with comments that were aimed at making me feel completely worthless as a human being. Because what I love doing most was worthless to him, so anyone doing those things was a worthless person by default.

(If you ever wondered why I am so unreasonably insecure about my art and my writing at times? here’s your answer.)

I got severely ill during my teen years, which was stress-induced, and my father didn’t believe me for one second that I really was sick, despite of having an actual diagnosis, meds to take, and being unable to eat food or drink without breaking down crying because I was in so much pain (oh yeah, trying to beat your kids so they stop crying when they’re in pain does not work. We tried that too.)

It might seem super trivial, but the yellings and the beatings were so bad that I was afraid to come home from school. My father developed heavy alcoholism in his late years - he literally drank himself to his grave - and there were days on which I was begging for him to be extra drunk. Because it meant he’d probably be asleep and would leave me alone.

(Drunk enough that he was still semi-conscious was...a whole different thing,)

He wasn’t nice to my mother either. She has Multiple Sclerosis, and he tried to make her believe that she was faking it too (didn’t work). He had zero respect for neither me nor her and got physically violent with her as well, as if the whole stress wasn’t taking enough of a toll on her health as is. I remember her legs stopping to work completely for a couple of weeks because of it all when I was around six or so.

(Side note: If you’re wondering why my mother never left him - both my parents were on disability pension, but because my father got his disability pension years before my mother did, she would’ve had to pay him a special alimony, which she could never have afforded back then with her meager job and a child. She knows this because she actually consulted a divorce lawyer about it.

That, and fear. It’s a paralysing thing.)

I didn’t like my father. I think it’s safe to say that he didn’t like me either. He still expected birthday gifts on May 15th.

Which were either met with indifference, or with disgust. “That’s all? So that’s what I’m worth to you, huh? Thought so” he said while actually tossing it into the trash. ...it was an expensive stationery set with a fountain pen, a ballpoint pen, and a mechanical pencil. Emerald green with gold accents. Monogrammed.I remember this so distinctively because I had saved my allowance for almost a whole year to get the thing, simply because I foolishly thought “Hey, he always uses fountain pens. He likes those. Getting a quality one that is personalised will maybe make him like me too? Just a bit?” ...an idiotic thought in hindsight.

I still think about the birthdays. I often think about my father - I look like him. On particularly bad days, I look into the mirror, and all I see is him.

I know I sometimes behave like him, in the sense that...I kind of have a bad temper? And I tend to get loud when I’m upset. I don’t know if it’s genetics, or if it’s learned behaviour. I have told most of my friends and family to tell me whenever I’m doing it, because sometimes I do it without noticing...and I’m actively trying to unlearn it. Sometimes there are slip-ups, and I make mistakes. It happens, but please tell me if I mess up, so I can apologise and do better next time.

Now my mother is equally hot-headed, equally stubborn, equally as loud. So when we argue, it tends to get messy sometimes.

Like today. It was because of something minor, I don’t even recall what it was about, but I ended up raising my voice in frustration and anger, which frankly, was a bad move. I need to work on that.

So my lovely mother, who already told me once that I am but “a ruined human being” to her, proceeds to look me in the eye, and says:

“You are just like your father.”

And leaves the room.

And I know that she probably meant “You are just as loud as him”, but it sent me spiralling.

Because my father was a manipulative, self-absorbed, irascible, abusive human being who didn’t shy away from driving his daughter into depression and to the brink of suicide with his words and his fists.

And I’ve been wondering for the last few hours: what if she’s right? I already adopted some of his behaviour and am having a hard time unlearning it. What if there’s more? What if I am a manipulative, self-absorbed, irascible, abusive human being and I don’t notice it?

What if I’m hurting and scaring my mother in the same way that he did? What if I’m hurting my girlfriend in the same way that he did? And just cannot see it?

Look. Objectively and logically I know it’s not the case. But my brain keeps circlimg back to “But what if it IS the case?” and I am disgusted and scared and insecure and just want to crawl into a hole and never to come out again because what if my brain is right?

...May 15th, yall.

#Sweet is rambling #tw: abuse #tw: suicide mention #it's literally just the word being mentioned though #it's a long read so feel free to ignore #but I'm in a really bad place right now #so if I go quiet for a while that's why #which I don't know if I'll do yet bc socmed is distracting me #but yeah

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ohgodmyeyes · 3 years

Note

hi! I was curious as to what are both your fav and least fav versions of anakin? (like aotc, rots, old force ghost, clone wars, etc)

This is such an exciting question, but I'll try to be succinct instead of long-winded and boring. (My stories are already there for that.) Here's a quick rundown of a few different Anakins, from my most treasured to the one (and only one) I tend to side-eye:

ROTJ Anakin / Force Ghost Anakin - I'm grouping these guys together, because I love them all for the same reason, and that reason is that they DID it. ROTJ Anakin is the Anakin who finds himself again; who takes responsibility for his family, and a huge step toward atoning for the things he's done. He spends ROTJ slowly changing; we see it in how he regards the Emperor, and the way he regards Luke. The closest thing he’s ever going to do to getting his wife back, realistically, is saving his son and finally openly defying Palpatine. It doesn’t matter that anyone else knows Vader has been rescued from himself, or that he was really a good man all along. Luke knows, and that’s enough; it’s part of why their relationship is so special to me. Luke is the only living person who says a proper goodbye to Anakin: He knew all along that it was worth it to try to know him. That’s beautiful.

His journey isn't finished at this stage, exactly, but his he's in a better place than he's ever been, and I love him for it. He's hope personified, even for the very worst of us.

As an aside— physicality isn't a barrier to any of this; I love him all busted up and dying, I love him as a fully-healed Sebastian Shaw, and as a pretty, young Hayden Christensen.

Padawan Anakin / AOTC Anakin / Jedi Quest Anakin - In second place is a much younger iteration of him— a sad, lonely kid who's easily excitable, and dangerous, somehow, without being at all frightening. He's a mixed-up kid who's had a less-than-ideal upbringing, bound to an ancient prophecy no one knows enough about. He cries out constantly to be held and loved; he's got his heart in his hand, and he's always ready to give it away to the next person who shows him kindness— or who even just needs him.

He's still so compassionate and well-intentioned at this point in his life, even when it doesn't benefit him. He can be petty and sensitive, although anyone would be, if they had to bear the kind of weight Anakin carries on his own shoulders at that age. His emotions sometimes run amok, but his heart is still so good... and more importantly than that, he knows it. He still has hope, for himself and for others, despite the overwhelming sense of 'otherness' he tends to feel. That's what sets him apart from Vader for me, even though I think AOTC Ani resembles the ultimate, 'suited' Darth Vader a lot more than the Anakin we meet at the beginning of ROTS.

Plus— although this is fairly irrelevant— AOTC Anakin happens to be Anakin at peak hotness. No damn wig is going to change that, nor is the sad fact of my own rapidly-advancing age. :)

Little Kid Anakin / TPM Anakin - The sweet baby version of Anakin comes in next for me. The altruism he struggles to hang onto until he finally falls is front-and-centre at this stage. He's tough by necessity (obviously, he's a fucking slave), but he isn't jaded yet— largely owing to his mother. Even when he loses Qui-Gon and gets to the Temple and struggles to integrate, his heart just stays enormous. God knows what he's already been through, but he never stops trying, and there's nothing fake about his confidence at this stage in his life. I love that; I think we could all stand to be a bit more like nine-year-old Anakin Skywalker.

There's an Anakin & Reader story on ao3 by @itohan called 'Kuebiko', and it's a beautiful depiction of what it might be like to be a caregiver for a very young Anakin. It's headed for some pretty sad places, to be sure, but there's a lot of sweetness and lovely (sometimes chilling) little insights into his character that I don't otherwise get to see very often. Anyone else with a soft spot for child Ani should go and read it.

'Classic' Vader, between the end of ROTS and the end of ANH - This is an enormous chunk of time, but again, I think it's more helpful than not if I just group these iterations of him together, at least for the purpose of compiling this list. It's horrific and tragic and a devastating waste of potential, but Anakin really does spend a huge amount of time mired in a thick, dark cloud of grief and anger. He convinces himself of a lot of stupid shit during this period in his life: 'Anakin is dead, I'm fulfilling my destiny, I can get Padmé back, she'd love all this ORDER I'm bringing, blah blah blah'. Every ounce of his extraordinary control is purely surface-level; he's a raging wildfire inside for a longer period of time than I think nearly anyone else could realistically sustain (as in, Kylo Ren was always going to die at 30, and I'm surprised I didn't, too lol).

He's empowered by his shitstain of a 'Master' to hurt and kill people against everything that once made him who he was, and no one can know he suffers for it (or for the loss of his wife, or the family he wishes he could have raised with her). No one can know anything about him; he's a man playing a part who can't ever take off his costume. Everything hurts him, and the only places he can turn to for comfort are the battlefield, and the inside of his own head. He has profound disabilities of every imaginable nature, and receives no more than the most cursory physical maintenance to remedy them. He escapes into his missions, but every one of those is a slight against his own better nature. His personal pursuits don't benefit him either; for basically twenty years of his life, he's living in an emotional storm— it ebbs and flows, but it never lets up, and his entire existence is set up specifically to reward the most despicable of his behaviour.

He doesn't make very many genuine emotional breakthroughs, because he's not allowed— just tricked and lied to and manipulated and taken advantage of, even when he's the one ostensibly in 'control'. His life only starts again when Luke comes into it; again, one more reason their connection is so special to me.

I'm going to go ahead and recommend another Anakin/Reader story by a different author; it's called 'mrfiveohone' by DarthDoritos, and it's on ao3. It's a brilliant exploration of what a strange, budding relationship with a youngish Vader might look like, and just an overall beautiful portrait of escalating intimacy on top of that. Another one I would highly recommend (completion status notwithstanding) is called 'Afterimage', and it is by garnettrees, also on ao3. It's a very dark Vaderdala story that gets right inside Anakin's head in the most wonderful ways. He never stops loving Padmé, and in that, he never truly stops being who he is.

This is the Vader I (admittedly somewhat dramatically) see the most of myself in. It puts us at-odds sometimes, but my urge to get up underneath that mask and make him feel worthy of his own name is insurmountable. I love him because if I didn't, I'd be in trouble.

Which brings us to TCW Anakin… who is, perhaps, the only version of Anakin I can honestly say I don't care for. Which is fine, because the show itself really isn't my kind of thing. Suffice to say, that particular depiction of him departs so dramatically from any of the other ones I've known (or listed here) that I just can't get into it, no matter how hard I try.

I'm going to end this with a shout-out to Lego Anakin! I've never seen a shitty version of Lego Anakin, whether in a cartoon or on my desk at home. :)

Thank you for asking, anon. That was fun to write out!

#anakin skywalker #thanks anon #fanfiction #headcanon #boring to everyone but me #i am trying to answer all of my asks #the nice ones anyway #late #too long

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christinaroseandrews · 3 years

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Set in Sussex and centered around the parliamentary election season. Sweet Disorder features a heroine, Phoebe, who is poor, plump, widowed, and in possession of her father’s votes. Except being a woman she can’t cast them but any many she marries can. And her votes are so very necessary in a very tight election. Welcome to the oddness of English elections in the Regency Period Enter Nick Dymond, Brother to the Whig candidate. He’s there to convince Phoebe to marry a man who will vote for his brother. Except the longer he gets to know her, the more he wants her for himself. That’s a problem because his family will never approve. After all, he’s the son of a noble, and she is the widow of a newspaper printer. Not to mention he’s got his own baggage, PTSD and a very severe wound from the peninsula wars, which left him with a limp.

As for Phoebe, she doesn’t particularly want to get married. She’s been married before and it didn’t turn out well. She’s doing just fine selling stories to the newspapers and living in the tiny and untidy rooms in a boarding house. But when her family needs her, she puts her own happiness on the line and agrees to a marriage of convenience. The only problem is who will she choose?

The Tory Candidate? The Whig Candidate? Or herself?

I like the story. I really liked Phoebe and Nick. Their reasonings and rationales made sense. Like there is a giant/huge class issue and then there’s the fact that they’re not supposed to be falling in love with each other. I especially liked that neither one was seen as less or by the other. But that things like her poverty, her weight, his wealth, and his disability weren’t overlooked and forgotten in the midst of the love must conquer all. Then there’s the families and their drama. So much drama.

Even with the drama, this isn’t your typical Regency Romance. First off, there aren’t any balls. Or dastardly Duke’s. Or gaming establishments. And I loved that. It’s so rare to have a romance between lower class people. Every day people. Even small town people. While Nick came from the gentry, he’s a younger son and his experience as a soldier had colored his sensibilities more. He wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. And I like that.

This story takes “slow burn” seriously. Very seriously. Which might be off-putting for some people, but when I read it I was in the mood for slow. The plots and twists are well telegraphed, and the book takes time to set the stage and introduce all the players. And all of the players are important. I also liked that Phoebe’s other suitors were all viable, they weren’t horrid for the sake of being horrid. I even liked them as characters and potential romantic heroes. They just weren’t the romantic hero that Phoebe wanted. All of the characters were well rounded, And I really liked that.

Trigger warnings Because those matter, period appropriate sexism, discussion of miscarriage, discussion of depression & PTSD, mild BDSM, period appropriate ableism, and parental neglect/emotional abuse. That being said all of the triggering Content is handled well as I would expect from Rose Lerner (which if you’re looking to support minority authors Rose Lerner is Jewish). Basically this was an adorable slow burn featuring every day people in Regency England. If you’re a fan of Austen, this would likely be up your alley. As it is, I’m happy to give it. Five stars.

If this is your jam, you can get it here.

If you like these kind of honest reviews, please consider supporting us here!

#Romance review #historical romance #regency romance #plus-sized heroine #beta hero #disabled hero #commoner romance #election shenanigans #this was really sweet #and adorable #great characters #Rose Lerner #Jewish Author #five stars #Rose and Lark review books

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cutegirlmayra · 4 years

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Here's an angsty prompt idea. After their latest battle with Eggman his latest invention inadvertently gets Amy sick which is quickly becoming fatal (not necessarily what IDW is doing but like same vibe you know). Sonic demands Eggman do something to fix this and save her. And we all know Sonic isn't the most emotionally vulnerable but when it gets touch and go he really fears it might be the end. But Amy gets healed and all's well that ends well. Appreciate it ^_^

Only if you’re okay with me going SUPER angsty lol.

-----------------*TRIGGER WARNING*--------: This will be dealing with disabilities/seizure like symptoms, if you are sensitive to this material, please read any of my other fanfictions! (As someone with Asbergers and ADHD, I hope you’ll understand that I know the severity of the context, but I’m in no way trying to make fun of or portray disability in any negative way. If my writing appears as such please note it was unintentional.)

I have put a ‘Keep Reading’ for those of you who wish not to read it.

(Image found from this location: (x), if you have art you’d like to showcase, I still need Preview Images! I’d love to have some helpful artist allow me permission to use their art with their links as credit to advertise their works and also for a preview image to my prompts, thank you so much and support the original creator of this image!)

Prompt:

After all was said and done... no one thought it would turn out like this.

Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Silver all piled around as Sonic sat beneath a shaded tree and held a sleeping Amy next to him.

“This doesn’t look too good...” Tails had taken a sample of Eggman’s third party experimental toxin, meant for Sonic but the enemy ended up targeting Amy as a test-run.

Needless to say, Eggman ended his alliance with the third party after he got ‘experimental crazy’ and decided he didn’t want to work with someone so trigger-happy.

The toxin seemed to place Amy in an endless sleep cycle, but she would twitch or sound off painful whimpers and groans and toss in the sleep at times.

“The data suggests it’s attacking her brain, working it’s way up from the injection point it was shot from all the way up the spinal chord, so it’s striking the main hub for communication signals to the rest of the body.” Tails was watching the gunky chemical inside her progressing at a sluggish pace as it infected up the spinal chord, but not quite at the brain yet.

The image made it look like it was hugging her spine and oozing its way up, but still had a ways to go.

Sonic blinked his eyes, not sure what this could all mean but looked down at Amy. She started her twitches and sounds of pain, so he took his hand and moved it up off of where she was leaning, looping it around to rub the opposite shoulder and looked back to Tails. Her struggles ended with struggling pants, before going back into a deep sleep.

Silver shook his head, folding his arms. He was clearly distressed, him and Amy had joined up early in the adventure, he felt this was somehow his fault, even though he did nothing wrong.

“That madman just kept shooting those shots with that drug everywhere! Whatever it is, it’s got to be a threat to the future as well.” He was so focused on the task at hand, that he hadn’t looked back until he heard Amy cry out and bent to a knee, seeing she had taken a hit for him.

Eggman hollered about waiting for Sonic to be the first hit, but the third party seemed to have their own agenda, and almost shot Eggman too.

Everyone escaped getting hit and defeated both him and Eggman before they parted ways, taking Amy’s limp form somewhere safe.

Before she was fully under the chemical’s effects, she had flinched and stiffened on the ground, trying to keep her pain silent before dropping into the blacked-out state...

“We have to find Eggman, he’s the one who knows the most about this experimental chemical.” Tails motioned his hands, then showed the gunk’s path upwards by pointing to Amy and traveling his hand up from where her spin would be. “We’ve still got time, a couple hours, just going off an estimate.”

Sonic looked back to Amy, “I can’t leave her like this, Tails. She’s unsafe, and that guy still hasn’t shown up yet.”

It was true that they lost sight of the mad scientist, but they were unaware Eggman had separated himself from their ‘unethical services’ but mostly because they wouldn’t follow orders.

Silver shook his head, getting a grip on his emotions. “I’ll do it.”

Knuckles, remaining silently crushed by the lack of help he could offer, turned in surprise to Silver.

“I’m partly the reason this happened... if I just had looked back and paid more attention to her...” he closed his eyes, clearly distraught as Knuckles turned his head away, also thinking that since Silver was with her, he should have been more attentive.

“It’s not your fault, Silver.” Showing some compassion, Tails moved over to him and placed a reassuring hand on Silver’s arm. “Honest, I’m sure if Amy could, she’d say the same thing too.”

Silver looked to Tails and sighed, nodding. During his brief moments of meeting her, he could tell she was a very kind girl.

“I know that, but... I still feel awful!” He kicked the ground and turned away, but looked back over his shoulder to Sonic. “Sonic,... I promise you, I’ll do what I can to keep her safe... but you have to go and confront Eggman about all this.” He swiped out his hand, showing his strong sense of justice as his eyebrows narrowed in his anger.

Sonic waited a moment, as though weighing his options and looked down at Amy.

He gently picked her up, and carried her over to Silver.

In a few short gestures with his eyes, he showed that he was passing the responsibility over to Silver, however short the time would be from him facing Eggman and then coming back to her.

They held a stare for a long time... as though both hedgehogs were making a silent contract, and Silver finally bowed slightly as he took Amy.

Sonic’s hand gripped her arm that was about to flop off her stomach and dangle to her side but his fast reflexes had caught it. He held it a moment, as though transferring the responsibility was a difficult decision. But... if there was hope, he was going to go for it, and Amy would have to be okay...

He had to make sure of it.

He slowly placed it back on her stomach, rubbing her hand discreetly as though promising her he wouldn’t be too long.

He then looked back up to Silver and nodded, the transaction was made and the message was loud and clear.

Don’t Fail.

As Sonic gestured for Tails and Knuckles to follow with a pivot to the new route and a nod, Tails spun his tails and lifted off the ground, taking one final look to Amy and Silver. He smiled weakly, as though also showing his agreement to this, and then went to follow Sonic.

Knuckles... just walked by, glaring Silver down... but finally he unfolded his arms and groaned towards the ground, taking off in a running start.

Looks like he felt too uneasy about this... but didn’t voice his concerns.

He was trusting that it was Sonic’s decision, and apparently would go with it. As he went though, he caught up to Sonic’s leisurely pace in waiting for him, and gave him the same uncertain glare he had given to Silver.

Another message between men: I don’t like this.

Sonic looked away from it, but his expression held no joy, only a serious focus towards the next, on-coming step and fight: I know. Neither do I.

Tails’s eyebrows bent, seeing the mute exchange between the two, his hands bundled up and held in as his usual go-to position for flying, but he turned his body around as he flew forward to look back at Silver holding Amy, his head slackening with his shoulders falling... Helpless.

Tails swallowed hard, “Be safe... Amy...” And didn’t look back...

When Silver finally took a deep, calming but determined breath in, he looked over to see Sonic and his friends had disappeared into the next zone.

“I won’t be naive this time.” He told himself, and headed towards the X-Tornado, stationed just beside the tree. “This time... I won’t make anyone worry.”

It was several hours later as Silver sat down after collecting water and watched Amy on the ground. He fiddled with his gloves, growing a bit restless, wanting to help protect the future but knowing his place was to protect Amy for now.

He looked up and used his telekinesis to fiddle with a blade of grass, making it move left or right and tugging on it but not enough to pull it from the ground.

The world was so beautiful to him... he didn’t want even one blade to die in it.

That thought... led him to look over at Amy.

His eyes bent and it was clear he was remembering her finding him, and how sweet and bubbly she was... she had persisted in joining him for his search for Sonic, carrying a warning that he never knew would have benefited her to know... why did he feel the need to keep it a secret for only Sonic to know?

It wasn’t like he disregarded her, but maybe he didn’t value her company as much as he should.

Now, seeing her so still upon the ground... the wind not even reaching her... It was all a bit much to bear.

He tucked his head down between the gap of his raised knee and bent arm, trying to hide his emotional state as his eyes squinted and mouth trembled.

He wasn’t crying, but he was also trying to fight the sensation of being about to cry.

Then it happened.

She started another twitching and jerking, making odd sounds that spooked him.

“N-no, you’re okay. You’re okay..!” he rolled to his knees and held his hands out as though once again... feeling helpless.

Even his words were desperate to sound comforting, but his panic was so relevant in them.

He used his powers to get a blob of the fresh water he had collected up into the air, moving it towards her mouth.

“Please Amy... just endure it a little longer...” He pleaded, before he heard a large crash and turned around.

The water fell to her side, as the twitching and flinching became minor, but still happening.

He saw a fallen tree, and narrowed his eyes at it before gasping as a robot from the third party, clearly stolen from Eggman’s designs, began to approach.

Then more and more of Eggman’s stolen property, with new logos that were just slapped on over Eggman’s logo sticker started approaching him.

“Not again...” Silver’s fists shifted into a rage-filled jerk, as though in one swift moment, he was ready to destroy and protect. “I won’t let you hurt anyone ever again!”

As the robots all raised their machine-gun arms, having detected them, it was clear they weren’t shooting bullets... but darts.

“Ur-rah!” Silver lifted up the X-Tornado with his power and held it up as cover to the shots fired. The darts stabbed into the X-Tornado, and the black substance was evident in a small cylinder attached to the dart’s tip.

It leaked into the X-Tornado,... but at least it wasn’t into anyone’s body.

He rose to a knee, shoving the X-Tornado forward to push the robots down. Amazingly, the X-Tornado didn’t even dent in, but was still perfectly intact.

However, some of the darts did bend like a nail having been jammed in the wrong way.

He shoved the X-Tornado to the side and skidded the robots hide off of it, shoving them back into the forest where they came from.

He stopped only to look down at Amy, her twitching much less now, but it was clear something was happening.

He gritted his teeth, his eyes still glossy from his despair before at her condition. “Hang on, Amy... They aren’t getting you. You’re no one’s experiment!” he moved one arm away from lifting the X-Tornado, but his balanced faltered now that one arm was using his psychic power to lift the huge plane up.

He strained, sweat falling from his brow as he jammed his teeth together even more and tried lifting Amy up from the ground too... then himself.

It was a huge escape effort, two hands carrying one large plane’s weight in one hand, and the other with him and Amy.

Knowing his power was faltering at handling too many objects at once, and one being massive, he kept feeling himself dropping and having to catch himself.

When Amy jerked, his mental concentration was momentarily lost and he almost dropped her.

That was the last straw.

“I can’t out run them.” He looked around, knowing he needed a better solution. “I’ll have to hide you and distract them.”

Seeing in the distance a mountain, he pulled up his legs, gathering the rest of his courage and strength, and shot himself towards it.

There was a cave!

His expression turned to joy at the realization, and he quickly flew down to it. “That looks safe!” he exclaimed, gliding down and putting the X-Tornado in the cave first, in and off to the back left where another tunnel formed from the main one.

Out of sight.

“Okay, Amy... Please forgive me...” He caught her into his arms, and held her tightly, dipping his head down in shame at having to leave her side. “Sonic... I said I’d do my best... this is my best option... please believe me...” He flew up to the plane’s passenger cockpit, thinking that if anyone did discover the plane, they would see there’s no pilot and perhaps not search it further but abandon it.

He lifted the clear shielding and placed her in the seat, strapping her in.

She had stopped twitching, and worried, he put two fingers to her nose and mouth.

Shallow breathing...

He frowned, but leaned forward and hugged her head one last time.

When he heard more logs crashing and snapping from being trampled by robot bodies forcing their way through the landscape, his head swung up to check the cave and hurriedly dropped the shielding down again.

“I’ll come back, and hopefully, I’ll bring Sonic and some good news too.” both hands were against the shield, he moved his face closer to look in and still saw her asleep.

“...I’m sorry.” He turned his head away, flying off from the plane’s exterior slowly... danging himself in the air before looking back to the entrance of the cave, having flown into the center tunnel way again and looked as though he was prepared to battle.

He shot out of the cave and began hitting the robots with his power, ramming them into each other and denting their hides till they sparked. “This way!” he cried out, and led the assault of robots after him.

More hours passed...

Shadow was running off with a stolen formula blueprint, trying to evade flying robots that were even greater rip-offs of Eggmans.

As he turned into a cave to hide, he walked down it stealthily, still holding the container with the data chip inside it.

“Rouge, I’ve got it.” he spoke out, touching a device by his ear as he examined the cylinder container further.

“Does it have it?” her voice rang urgently through the mic.

“No... but my scanners say it should be... what?” He walked towards the hidden tunnel path and his eyes widened.

“Shadow? What’s wrong? What are you getting?”

“It’s...” His eyes traveled down the darkness from the plane’s tip, seeing it littered on the side with darts. “The X-Torn-... AH!” his shock couldn’t have been more real as he hurriedly jumped from the cave’s side to the plane’s hide and pulled an intact dart out.

He tilted the chemical inside it... watching it slosh around.

“It wasn’t an error... they’re here!” He exclaimed, but hearing the robots outside, he moved down the plane’s top and kept stealthily pulling out more darts.

“Incredible! Way to go, Shadow! Who knew this abandoned G.U.N base would come so much in handy..! Oh, that’s right. I did. Is it some sort of secret lab..?”

He ignored Rouge’s gloating when his foot hit something in the dark, another cockpit. He looked back to adjust his foot and get around it,... when a darkened silhouette that didn’t match the angles of machinery caught his attention.

Then the shaded figure began to violently twitch and cause a ruckus, almost like a seizure episode.

The thrashes completely threw Shadow off guard, and he stumbled back, his expression showing his horror at whatever beast was trapped inside.

“Rouge, there’s something else here.” He didn’t have time to explain, but pulled out a Chaos Emerald, “Chaos Control!” he illuminated the cave and his entire demeanor fell into a grave look of confusion.

“It can’t be...” His eyes darted left and right, examining her condition as he couldn’t understand what he was witnessing. “It’s-!”

But before he could continue to explain to Rouge, who was blind as a bat from only being able to listen in and not see what was going on, robot steps started echoing in the cave. He turned around, a look of serious emergency on his face.

“Shadow!? What did you find!? Don’t leave me in the dark here! What’s all that thumping sound!? Shadow! Shadow, respond!”

“Not now, Rouge!” he killed the mic, tossing it to the ground as he ripped it off his ear and used Chaos Spears to jam into the shield and break the material.

He unstrapped her from the seat, feeling her flopping onto him and helped her over his shoulder. “Darn, I was hoping for more samples, but this is too important.” He turned back to the see the robots’ lights now come on, searching like a beacon out at sea in all sorts of directions... it was as though they were hurrying to find him too...

He jumped down and consequently crushed the G.U.N earpiece on his decent down, hurrying to the back of the cave.

When the robots fired on their jets, he knew he was heard.

“Chaos-!” he held up the Chaos Emerald. “Control!” and teleported through time and space.

Back with Rouge, she was complaining how the old computers couldn’t diagnose Amy and scan the chemical at the same time.

“What’s more important?” Shadow folded his arms, looking to Amy, “A life or a future life?” then glared to Rouge as though it wasn’t an option to contradict him.

She looked to Amy, not shaking anymore and sighed, knowing the answer as she cut off the research side of the computer and turned on it’s scanners.

“This is bad...” Rouge saw the screen... “The chemical has spread up her spinal chord and has it’s greasy little tethers at the base of her brain.”

“That’s impossible.” Seeing the image, Shadow’s arms dropped and he lurched forward, as though he wasn’t expecting the results to be this severe. “The chemical compound would need an extraordinary amount of time before reaching that far! Where was the injection location?”

When he turned back to Rouge... her hands were trembling, hovering over the keyboard.

He looked up to see her eyes mortified at these readings of Amy’s current state, and Shadow had to approach her and pull her away from the computer, quickly typing in to see more data.

It took all of Rouge’s strength to look away, turning back to Amy and covering her mouth, reaching for her hand.

“How... How could this happen?” Her voice was choking up, “Sonic... Sonic would never allow this to happen! How could they just abandon her like that!” she hit her hand holding Amy’s into the table she was laid out on.

“Keep it together, Rouge.” Shadow’s voice sounded controlled, as though a solider, keeping the trauma at bay and back away from his work. “We need a cure.” He continued, “Or the rest of us are going to end up this way.”

“Who says they haven’t already!?” Rouge’s back bent forward as she coughed into her hand, unable to keep her emotions under control with a sight like this. “She’s slipping away and they just left her there to-!”

Shadow flung around and gripped her hand, pulling her back to him.

His glare said it all.

Don’t assume anything.

She felt her knees get weak and slowly lowered herself to sit on the ground, her wings drooping in stages as they lowered down and dragged against the floor.

Shadow just watched her and removed his aggressive grip on her wrist as it slipped through his grasp. He didn’t mean to be so hostile, but now wasn’t the time to judge others’ actions.

It was the time to act and save.

“I will find Sonic.” He declared, moving back over to the panel of controls and typing in more directives. “I’ve seen enough to know her state... she still has some time before it completely eats away at her mind.” the entire computer shifted over to what looked like research on the chemicals being scanned. “The amount we found should be plenty, I’ve set the computer to reverse engineer. It will take some time... but keep her alive till I can bring Sonic and his friends here... to answer for what they’ve done.” With that last sentence, Rouge looked up to see the pain in his eyes... to show he had a heart after all.

Did he have doubts that Sonic wasn’t as kind and admirable as he had seemed to be? The answer was a resounding yes. He wasn’t denying Rouge’s accusations, but wasn’t going to give in to them until he had the truth.

Nothing was being ruled out, and Rouge nodded as she wiped her wetted eyes and stood back up, being brave.

“Make sure you give them what they deserve for me... Shadow.” she moved back to Amy’s side, and Shadow closed his eyes as though silently accepting that he would.

“If all looks lost...” He began, turning his back to her and talking over his shoulder.

She shook her head, raising her head up as though to catch any remaining wetness from becoming tears.

He looked back towards the exit, not finishing the thoughts, per her body language’s request... and took off.

More hours passed...

“This is ridiculous!” Rouge was surrounded by Eggman’s robots, but stood in front of them and held her arms out to keep them from approaching Amy. “You expect me to believe you came all this way for her!? And not to get your greedy hands on the chemical!?”

“My machines are already leagues ahead of your outdated G.U.N technology!” Eggman’s voice billowed through one of the robots, holding guns made of lazer-power towards her. “As you can see, I’m not equipped with that awful drug. I had thought it would make controlling mindless robots easier to get rid of the human mind entirely, I had no idea what they were really working on...” he confessed, pausing Rouge a moment as she listened to what he was saying. “Now, if you’d be so kind, I’d rather have something to barter with when Sonic realizes I’ve parted ways with the mad professor...”

“So she’s your bait and switch!?” Her leg swung as though threatening to drill into his robots.

“W-woah, woah, calm down, Mama Rouge. I have a nutralizer I created for myself in case this might happen... It would benefit both me and Amy’s current state to test it out, don’t you agree?” His voice sounded as though he was trying to negotiate. “Yes, I want Sonic’s fury to be redirected, but that doesn’t mean I have no intention to present a perfectly healthy Rose to him... Savvy?”

She... slowly lowered her foot down, still ticked off as the robots surrounded Amy and began to move her into a floating transport pod.

“There, now we see eye to eye...”

“If anything happens to her Eggman...” She flew to sit on the end of the pod, showing she was coming too. “You’re screwed.”

“Don’t think I don’t know that... come along then.” he groaned, showing his own ‘calm distress’ as the robot he was speaking through turned and the rest marched out with the transport pod in the middle.

Getting to Eggman’s base, his computer screens were massive compared to the old G.U.N base... but as Rouge stayed by Amy’s side... Eggman’s face grew more and more like stone...

The results... were not in his favor.

As though whimsical at first, he was now showing signs of racing against the clock. Treating Rouge like a nurse all of a sudden, he spoke quickly out without a shred of emotion, only hurry. “That extraction gun. Over there.”

Rouge was being to panic at his odd shift in behavior, but quickly used her wings to push herself to move faster, rapidly grabbing the object he barely gestured to and rushing back to him with dust flying up in her wake.

“She better make it Doc.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Hold her down, she’s not going to like this.” He jammed the gun’s barrel to her side.

“DOCTOR!” Rouge shoved it off her body, “Have you lost your mind!?”

“Rouge, if you interfere, I’ll be sure to blame the consequences on you.” His threat was nothing like she had seen from him before... and complying, she did as she was told.

She pushed Amy’s arms down to the her sides, over her head as Eggman swung the gun back into position.

“What will it do to her?”

He said nothing, only working fast, moving some parts on the gun as it lit up, and then cocked it.

“Eggman...” her plea revealed her fear...

He shot into Amy’s side.

Amy’s body lurched forward and from her, a painful cry.

“Keep her down.” Eggman seemed to be grabbing a stick with movable features and cocked it back again.

An odd substance started draining into the gun.

“You’re not gonna do it again!” Rouge cried out, but Eggman just lowered the gun and let the substance spill into it.

“Could you not talk and let me work, woman!?” Eggman rudely spat out as he watched the substance mingle with some blood... before unhooking it from her side and grabbing some medical supplies to stop the bleeding. “There... if anyone asks...” He kept one hand on the bandage... “I did what I could.”

Rouge saw the grim look on his face and her’s finally broke.

She looked back to Amy, who was slowly coming too, but something was off with her.

Eggman looked away, “I stopped the process.”

“You what?” Rouge saw him turn his face away from her, as though he was hiding something.

“...It’s damage could be recovered... but that’s up to Amy now...” he was speaking too sorrowfully, as though trying to distance himself from the situation.

Rouge wouldn’t allow it.

“EGGMAN!” she grabbed his padded shoulder and yanked him down, he let her, though it was clearly uncomfortable for a man of his height to slump so far to the side like this. She hollered frantically in his ear, “You tell me what you don’t want me to know!”

He grimaced, as though not wanting to but then Amy stirred again.

Her body did some more twitches... as though her muscles were aching, before she slightly... opened her eyes.

Rouge released Eggman and appeared right by her side in seconds, “Amy..? Sweetie, tell me you’re okay.” she placed a hand to her cheek.

“...Rrrrouge...” she breathed out.

Rouge sighed in relief and dropped her head, “Thank Chaos.”

But... when she looked to see Eggman’s face.

Stone.

Why wasn’t he relieved too?

Rouge, worried again now, looked back to Amy.

She was making odd hums, as though waking up, but something was off with them. She looked to Eggman, “Egg...” she said, but began to create weird forms with her mouth, and Rouge’s hand twitched off her cheek as she continued to move as though unused to her limps.

Rouge’s chest rose and fell... “What’s wrong with her?” she demanded, feeling her heart tighten as though not wanting to beat anymore. “WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!” she turned to Eggman but that was when Sonic, Silver, Tails, Knuckles, and Shadow busted through the door as it feel like cold steel to the empty entrance.

“Rouge!” Shadow cried out, and it was clear Silver was beaten down and bruised... what had happened?

Knuckles darted by the two, followed by a speedy blue blur and Tails... was frozen in fear.

Amy’s eyes wouldn’t concentrate on anything, and her expression didn’t match the situation at all.

Sonic’s blur paused in front of her... stone.

Knuckles halted his franic steps... before looking to the screen, then back to her... his footsteps slowed... and then he fell to his knees.

He bashed his fist into the ground, and then lowered his back as though unable to look further.

Silver’s eyes shook, “Is she..?”

Shadow turned his head away, and Tails finished everyone’s trail of thought...

“She’s... gone.” He gripped his head.

“B-but she’s alive!” Silver gestured to her, grabbing Tails’s shoulder, “She’s still moving!”

“She’s not there!” Tails jerked himself away from Silver, “Her mind’s gone! The Amy we knew is gone!” he cried out, crying and cringing as he fell to the ground, sobbing. “It’s been too much time... We traveled to the cave and she wasn’t there. That took time!” He gripped his chest as Silver��s world began to crash down on him. “Shadow took time to find us!” He seemed to curl up on the ground, as Amy gestured a hand in the air, as though trying to grab something flying around her, as though in her mind... things were different. “We were stopped by that man and had to fight for our lives! We finally got him taken care of and unable to stop us further, but then Shadow got the G.U.N results remotely and my miles-electric had to download the signal, that meant we waited!” he gripped his head again, panting and wheezing as though also going through a mental breakdown. He started shouting as the room fell motionless... still... except for Amy. “When we discovered that the chemical probably had destroyed half of her already, we rushed to find Rouge!”

The situation looked like they were hung up on a wild goose chase, trying to scramble around and find Amy.

“BUT WHEN WE GOT THERE SHE WAS GONE!”

Rouge collapsed to the ground, covering her face with one hand, but through the slits in her fingers, her eyes shrunk and trembled.

“WE COULDN’T SAVE HER!”

-Many days later...-

Cream was out with Amy, supervised by Vanilla as she sat on a bench and walked the two. Cream was bending down to pick flowers, but Amy was staring up at the sky, as though transfixed on something, before Cream held up a flower and she took it, wobbling it in front of her face.

Cream gave a forced smile, just glad that it amused her.

Then... beside Vanilla... Sonic appeared.

“..How is she?” he asked, but his usual cheer and charisma was gone.

Vanilla smiled and looked down to her hands laying gracefully on her lap. “... Her appetites good... she only says one syllable words though... and not many for several days now.” She looked back up with a mother’s care at the two girls, seeing Cream and Cheese try to engage Amy but Amy was still shaking the flower profusely in front of her eye.

Sonic also stared... then folded his arms and adjusted his balance, looking on the ground as though uncomfortable.

“...Does she recognize anyone?”

“She recognizes Cream, but doesn’t seem to notice me. She’ll speak to Cream, but not engage me.” There was some pain being held back in her words... “I hand feed her... But sometimes she bats my face or shoves my hand away.”

Sonic turned abruptly away from her, “I don’t need to hear that!”

“... You asked...” she lowered her head, as though she’s been answering politely for too long, and so she told him the truth to see if that would satisfy him. “She may never get any better, Sonic... You come by and ask but I always tell you the same, kind things... today, you must face the possibly that Amy may be mentally disabled for life now.”

Sonic whole being tensed up, but not wanting to lash out at her, he held it in, struggling.

“... You should see her. Talk with her.” Vanilla finally said, looking to him, “She’d like that.”

“...I don’t think I can handle if-” he cut himself off, hearing the shift in his voice cracking and not liking his emotions being so real in front of others. He cleared his throat and looked to the sky... just like Rouge had done to keep the wetness in her eyes. “If she doesn’t know me.”

Vanilla remained silent, but like a loving mother, got up and embraced Sonic from being, resting her head on his shoulder and leaning her cheek into his, rubbing and stroking his head to calm him down.

“Her mind may not, but her heart will always know who you are, Sonic. You should speak to her.”

With that kind, motherly encouragement, Vanilla called back Cream and Cheese and took her hand as Cream took Cheese’s arm.

“We’ll give you two some space.” she moved further down the trail as Sonic was now solely in charge of watching her.

He took a deep breath, clearly uncomfortable, but walked softly over to her, trying not to spook her.

He bent down by her side, “Hey,... Amy.” He felt a lump in his throat as his smile he had tried to summon for her sake vanished at the sight of the flower falling from Amy’s hands and her taking a few seconds to stop shaking, and just stare at her hand while her damaged brain tried to figure out what had happened.

He closed his eyes, sitting down from his squat and finding this terribly hard.

He had avoided this for so long... he had beaten up Silver in his rage and then yelled at Shadow for leaving her as well.

By the time he got to Rouge and Eggman, there was no rage, only heartache.

“It’s been a long time...” He admitted, “That we haven’t seen each other.” He pressed his two fingers into his eyes, and as he strained against crying, his lips trembled like Silver’s had once done... and it was clear he was on the verge of crying.

That’s when Amy’s eyes blinked and she turned to look at him.

She made some weird mumbling sounds that were in-cohesive, and hit his shoulder with a few strong bats.

“Ow, ow, stop!” he leaned away and held up his hand, catching her slapping hand.

“Son.” she said the first syllable of his name,... stared at him... and then angrily, almost child-like, began to hit him again.

“Woah, stop,.. stop,.. stop!” he kept counter-weighting the hand as she hit before trying to pull away from his touch, crying out as he finally let her go and she scrunched her arms into herself.

He didn’t know how to handle this, but he was going to do his best. “Do you... do you know who I am.”

She made a strange, but clearly upset face, and glared at the ground.

“... I’m so sorry.”

“Son...”

“I failed you.”

“Son...”

“I shouldn’t have left you there. I should have let Silver go with Tails and Knuckles. I shouldn’t have blamed him either... I should have listened to Knuckles’s gut feeling... he kept bringing it up and I kept thinking we had more time. I shouldn’t have punched and kicked him... I shouldn’t have shouted at Shadow... I should have just run, like I always do. I should have ran straight to you and I didn’t. I’m so sorry, Amy. I’m so-... I’m so lost without you.”

Amy’s body turned away from him.

It was a beautiful sky... a wonderful summer day... a perfect scene for a picnic or family outing.

But there they were, a broken man once revering himself as a hero... and a broken girl who he missed dearly.

Then, as though a snake about to strike, her hand went back up to strike him... but he began to cry.

Her hand twitched and slowed... before landing on his head.

“...Son...ic.”

He kept crying.

“Son.. ic... cry...”

He didn’t notice.

“Son..ic.. don’t... cry...”

Then his ear twitched, and his eyes shook a moment as they grew wider and wider.

“Sonic...”

He turned to look at her.

She was crying...

He watched... then cried out, “Vanilla!!!” his voice rang through the flowered fields...

It took time, but with help, Amy slowly recovered, and Sonic was with her every step of the way.

(A huge AU, but ya know, I thought-- ‘what’s worse than a huge side-effect that would lead Sonic to his breaking point?’ here you go~)

#sonamy #sonicxamy #sonamy prompt #amy rose hurt fic #amy rose prompt #disability warning

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