#ogres are like onions | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

amyintherapy · 1 month

Text

Trauma layers

Therapy is such a mindfuck sometimes. I 100% get it when people say they don't think therapy would help them because they are pretty self-aware or self-reflective. Cause, that seems so freaking logical. But, I swear, with the right therapist you'll find yourself routinely shocked at how blind you actually can be to your own bullshit. Our brains try SO hard to hide our bullshit from us, it's insane. I guess I shouldn't speak for everyone, but it's so true for traumatized brains, at least. I know that minimizing or outright hiding your issues from you is how the brain responds to trauma. But it's still eye opening to me when I catch on to new pieces of this in myself.

I went into my appointment today with several ideas of what to potentially talk about written down. I knew what had been on my mind the most, but I wasn't sure if it made sense to use the appointment to discuss it because I've discussed essentially the same thing with my therapist multiple times in the past. So a big part of me was like eh, that'd be a waste of time. I know everything there is to know about myself in this area. Probably spend more time on these other things as that'll probably be more productive/helpful. But I decided to at least mention it and see where it goes. I expected to jump topics pretty quickly as I didn't think we'd find new ground to cover. But we wound up spending 45ish minutes out of the hour on it. And it was productive. And yet, it's hard to really express why. It's not like there was some big new revelation. I largely went into it knowing what my trauma is, why I have this trigger, what my default response is, etc etc etc.

To spell out this piece of my trauma a bit...

I had an eggshell stepdad, and a constantly-overwhelmed semi-eggshell mom. My stepdad exploding was my mom's biggest trigger. And anger from either of them basically means anything could happen. Some of what I saw happen after anger, much of it starting off with really low level things like..someone shutting the door a little harder than normal (not really slamming it) or tossing their keys onto the counter a little too loudly. These kinda things were triggers to me as a kid because I knew they could mean an explosion was coming. Anyway, what I dealt with related to my eggshell caregivers' anger...

Emotional abuse between adults (very common)

Emotional abuse at kids (very common, my siblings who were externalizers caught more than I did, but I couldn't avoid it either)

Lower-level physical abuse of kids (semi-common but was my siblings, not me that I ever recall)

Domestic violence between adults (very rare, maybe 2-3 times ever)

Items being broken/physical aggression with household items (Rare-ish, maybe once a year?)

Recurring arguments or break-ups (extremely common. Fights rarely stayed as one event. They'd usually argue, try to wrap it up, and then explode again within a few hours, or perhaps even a few days later, but there was almost always a round two, at minimum. Core issues were never resolved, clusters of several related arguments over a week or two were common as well.)

Once I saw an adult hold a gun to their head after threatening suicide.

Once I saw an adult pull a gun on another adult (neither was part of my household).

Maybe 4-5 times over my childhood cops came to our house following arguments and/or violence.

My coping method was to try to be pleasing when the anger was lower-level. Keep things light if you can, but at minimum, don't do anything that might set anyone off. Once anger was bigger, just try not take up any space. Outright leaving (like going to my room) would sometimes get noticed in a negative way, so don't flee, but stay as far away as you can without actually leaving. Like...stay in the living room but sit silently on the couch, pretending you don't even notice the argument happening. Try to go unnoticed...blend into the decor. Stay out of the line of fire when the bombs are going off, basically. And when that failed and you're in the line of fire, fawn/people please to try to 'fix'.

What this looks like for me now, as an adult - is still to try to 'fix' other people's irritation, frustration, low level anger if I can find any way to. Or with 'big' anger, kinda freeze, or try to fawn/people please if it's directed at me. I can't feel safe if others are upset, so I try to absorb it so I can do something about it. And after someone around me shows anything adjacent to anger (like frustration) my brain likes to assume this is just 'round one' of anger, and round 2 will happen soon and will be bigger and scarier. So I'm very on-edge after 'detecting' any anger in my environment, even when it's really small. And my brain tries to pull my down a rabbit hole of finding potential things I've 'done wrong' that might be making this person secretly angry at me. Even when I logically know it has nothing to do with me. My brain wants to find a potential reason it could involve me. I'm pretty good about not letting it go down that rabbit hole very far, but it sure tries - and I have to spend energy holding it back from going there.

None of this is news to me, at all. I sort of forget when I've made certain realizations in therapy, but I think I've known all of this about myself for at least a year? So I wasn't sure there could be anything productive to come out of sharing how someone was frustrated around me this week and it triggered me...and how I knew I was triggered, and talked to myself about how my brain was reacting the way it did when I was a kid, but how my current situation is safe. How someone else's anger isn't a threat to me anymore. How I've created a life for myself that is safe, even when people get angry. I can have tough conversations with those closest to me. I don't get very close with anyone I can't do that with. So I consciously recognized all of this, but it didn't get rid of the anxiety. I stayed frozen in a moderately anxious place, hyper vigilant, unable to focus, and so drained from all of this emotional energy being spent on basically, nothing productive.

I expected my therapist to remind me that I'm trying to literally rewire the pathways in my brain, and I have 30ish years of my brain going down the "anger is very unsafe, I must regulate others' emotions and people-please." pathway. And that was said. As well as some usual points about how some of this equates to expecting myself to be able to mind read, and given that I am not a superhero or someone with magical powers, that expectation is cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I know this, but the reminder is good. But some new things were said too.

They asked if, after detecting someone else's frustration recently, I was able to put a loved one in my own place. We've talked a lot about how it's easier for me to empathize with myself if I imagine someone I care about in my shoes. Would I tell a friend that they should 'fix' someone elses frustration? That if someone sighs in their home that they should become hyper-critical and over-analyze anything they could have possibly done 'wrong'? Of course, the ridiculousness of this is apparent to me when imagine someone else in my shoes. But I admitted to them that I hadn't been able to remember to try using that trick to change perspectives until after I had settled some. That when I'm first triggered, I kinda seem to lose access to that more logical side of my brain that would allow me to try to remember specific suggestions or tools that had been suggested to me. They said it makes sense to forget when you're that emotional, so sometimes visual reminders are good. Like wearing a bracelet with a compassionate statement on it or something. Honestly, that feels cheesy to me, I don't really care for wearing anything that has text of any kind on it, to be honest and growing up with no positive feedback/praise has left me with a strong aversion to positivity like that..which is something else to work on but, one thing at a time. Anyway - I do like the idea of some sort of symbol in my environment serving as a reminder even if it has no text on it. Something that I'd take as a reminder perhaps, without anyone else needing to have a clue what it's about. So it was nice to get a little bit of a fresh idea on something additional to try. But bigger than that...they helped me realize that I have continued my pattern of self-abuse, and just disguised it as trying to help myself.

Meaning...I see myself being triggered, I see myself starting to fall into old patterns of trauma responses to try to cope, and I know that reaction is maladaptive at this point in my life. So I try to stop myself from repeating that old pattern of trauma responses...and on occasion I can stop it in its tracks. But not often with this anger related trigger, it's a real powerful one for me. And when I'm not successful and I find myself becoming hypervigilent and self critical due to someone elses anger..I beat myself up about it! I beat myself up for beating myself up...because I'm 'supposed to' be working on being more compassionate. And that's still part of this cycle, it's just another layer of it. I beat myself up because keeping myself in a position of guilt/shame keeps me small so I can stay in this position of feeling like I am wrong and they are right and I am guilty and need to fix.

It's bonkers that even in my attempts to heal, my old self-harming mindset comes out disguised as a cure for.

In other words..

My logical brain "I need to stop beating myself up. That is a trauma pattern that used to serve me as a kid, but is just harmful to me now."

My trauma brain: "Right! We're hurting ourselves and that's dumb! Let's beat ourselves up about that! That's the solution!"

Fuck.

#ptsd #cptsd #trauma #ogres are like onions #onions have layers #trauma onions?#want to watch Shrek now #attachment trauma #childhood emotional neglect #childhood emotional abuse #emotional abuse #fear of anger #fawning #people pleasing #developmental trauma #internalizing #internalizers

5 notes · View notes

alyjojo · 1 year

Text

#ogres are like onions #meme is true and also #sometimes #they’re just mean #especially Mercury #which can apply to Lib Sco & Sag suns #also funny as hell #in a dark/mean sort of way #Scorpio #astrology #zodiac sign #zodiac memes #personality #traits

9 notes · View notes

all-that-glitters-is-goldfish · 2 years

Note

CYM as characters from Shrek

Shrek- @xxshelbsxx

Donkey- @emerald-chaos

Fiona- @vanillanaps

Lord Farquaad- @bitchassbucky

Gingy- @vibraniumcollar

The lil Duloc singing dolls- @anastasiabvrnes

The Three Blind Mice- @bibbidibobbidibucky @maladaptivexxdaydreaming @suchababie

Robin Hood- @sexyprise

The Magic Mirror- @variouslengthsofwire

Dragon- @babyboibucky

The snake that Fiona made into a balloon- @borikenlove

The frog that Shrek made into a balloon- @maxsaturdayhatesnarwhals

#you only said shrek #not shrek 2 or 3 or however many there are #that is why there is no puss in boots #morgan answers #cym #cyma #cast your mutuals #anon #shrek #what are you doing in my swamp #ogres are like onions

17 notes · View notes

ocean-not-found · 1 year

Text

#spotify wrapped #ogres are like onions #ogre #shrek im coming for your SOUL #shrek is love #shrek is life

3 notes · View notes

the-likeable-wizard-mack · 1 year

Note

Hey!!!!! I've been hooked on your urban fantasy posts for a while now they r soooo good your world building is *chefs kiss* ❤️❤️❤

I've also wondered how do orcs or orges interact with other species ? Or even how other species view or treat them?

Hello Anon! Thank you for your question!

I actually made a post about Orcs, Ogres, Cyclops and Giants a while back in an in depth post where I answered some of your questions there.

I generalize these species together in the large species category (beings over 6’4) since that’s what’s was similar about these creatures.

Generally larger species like Orcs and Ogres are revered by most for their strength and resilience. Most human jobs that are dangerous like heavy labor (I.e construction and such as that) are built for species like these ones. They are the heads of strong built careers. Thus, most construction sites would want to have an orc around for heavy lifting or a cyclops around for dipping their hands into molten metal for welding. So, they have a pretty good reputation among most species.

I roped in Orcs, Ogres, Cyclops and Giants together as well in that post when it comes to sports as well. Due to the risk that a much MUCH larger opponent will have on a normal sized human sports have been separated into two different categories. Normal sports are where most regular humans are (football, soccer, baseball) and Elevated Sports where any creature larger than 6’7 can participate in. There is a separate form of football that is very popular that happens around the same time our super bowl here in America is but, it’s a bit early. It’s more like rugby more than football since larger species are less likely to be injured greatly than in normal football.

4 notes · View notes

sponge3000 · 2 years

Text

I wish to share an image I made in photoshop awhile ago that I have titled…

Ogres Are Like Onions

#ogres are like onions #sometimes I wonder what I have created #other times I send it to my friends to torment them #shrek #photoshop

1 note · View note

cringyaubrey · 1 month

Text

I suck at existing.

Like, I really don’t get why I suck so much at life.

First I’ll point out that I’ve been trying on this website for like 10 years or something? And no one will probably even see this post.

I’ve tried again and again on Tumblr, various and miscellaneous community websites, my personal Instagram, Snapchat ffs. But I don’t get the attention the I need from literally anyone. I message old friends, try to reach out and meet new friends, but I get god damn nothing.

I am constantly feeling like I’m not an interesting enough person, an attractive enough person, maybe a relatable enough person. I might get a bite and someone’ll talk to me for a day or two, then grow disinterested in the conversation and fizzle away.

I wish, I wish so fucking bad I just had a childhood friend that I can fall back to every once in a while.

But that’s the fucking point, I have never had a friend that’s stayed in my life, that’s wanted to be a part of my life, that’s just wanted me fucking around.

And I don’t fucking get it.

I love people. I express that. I try and learn about them, I offer to be there for them, I want to know their interests and hobbies, I want to be fucking friends. But I’ll be there, silently wanting that energy to come back my way. I don’t mention it. I don’t try to steer or manipulate the conversations to make shit about me. But it wouldn’t hurt literally anyone to ask. For anyone to want to know what my favorite food is, or want my opinion on a movie, or want to know where I grew up, or want to know literally anything about me.

That’s what I’m saying, that no matter my effort or intentions, nobody wants me.

I’ll see profiles on here, on other sites, and these people just seem to be unexplainably popular. Like they have no problem picking up a friend and getting attention or reactions on their posts. I’ll try to analyze it, I’ll try to understand what they’re doing that I’m not. But for where I’m sitting, they’re just a more liked person.

For some reason? For just some reason. There must be a reason. But it really doesn’t seem like there’s any reason. They’re just the reason.

I’ve been dealing with this my whole life. Through school, I’ll admit, I was timid. I wasn’t the type to appear as though I want to know people. I kept to myself and didn’t talk much. My lack of friends was my own fault, even though my symptoms weren’t my fault, being self destructive and asocial was my own choice. Even if it was subconscious and unavoidable.

Alright so fast forward to now, I’ve tried my best to abandon those traits. I’ve been through enough cognitive training to know that those behaviors are my own reckoning. But it doesn’t seem to matter. PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO KNOW ME. Nobody fucking wants me.

And I just really, really don’t get it.

So I’ll take it out on myself. I’ll hate what I see in the mirror or my camera, I’ll hate myself and everything about me. I’ll try to find the faults in my personality. I’ll tell myself that I’m just too stupid or don’t have anything about me people would even care about. I will hate myself. Like for some reason I deserve a life of bad karma and sadness. I’ll feel more and more isolated, and I’ll be alone.

And I’ll try again.

Repeating the same cycle, over and over, endlessly miserable. Endlessly feeling like a failure. Endlessly sucking at life, and suffering in the background.

0 notes