#oh and my one relative was abducted along with his girlfriend and tortured to death in the national park close to our hometown...

[eats-the-stars]

my grandpa’s funeral is tomorrow. I should probably be more upset about this, but I don’t really feel much at all about the fact that he died last week. even though we were fairly close and I liked him well enough. it might be a family thing, though, because neither of my sisters or my dad is very broken up about it. it was a very swift, businesslike recovery from his death that mostly involved cleaning out his room and setting up the funeral and all of that only took, like, three days. i expect the funeral to be a pretty small, quiet affair without much crying or anything. he lived a long time. most of his friends have already died. the rest aren’t the kind to make a fuss about it. oh, except my one aunt and cousin will definitely be crying heavily and saying a bunch of deep and probably false things about how close they were to my grandpa and how much they’ll miss him. they love attending funerals, and I’ve always found their grief very shallow and performative...almost insulting since I’ve seen them act this way at the funerals of people they’ve barely known...but I can’t really say anything because my own grief is usually very thin and quiet. I think I used most of it up when i was young, and there’s not much left. oh, and I also recognize that this is different from a lot of those early deaths, since most were young or died violently. in comparison, I actually feel some relief that my grandpa is dead, because he lived a long, eventful life, got to see his grandkids grow into their twenties, got to meet his great-grandkids who were born last year. didn’t have any major regrets or things he still wanted to do. and in the end, he was suffering so much and also the kind of person who told us often over the last few years that he was waiting to die and just hoped it would be fast. which it was. he spent two nights at the hospital, they put him on morphine for the pain, and he passed quickly. all in all, not a bad life or death.

#me #death #i feel like mourning is easiest when a person has lived a long life and is ready to die #if everyone was lucky they would live a long life with few regrets and then die fast and easy in their old age #so my grandpa was pretty fortunate in that regard #grief is a lot crueler when the dead are young and died violently #and unfortunately our family has a lot of young people who die badly #i think it must just be bad luck #because a lot of times it is just random violent accidents #like getting crushed by a falling tree or falling into a river #or getting in a motorcycle accident #but then sometimes my relatives have also been murdered #usually shot #oh and my one relative was abducted along with his girlfriend and tortured to death in the national park close to our hometown... #so there's also that kind of death #oh and my one young cousin who accidentally died from eating rat poison that was left in the garage #and their twin who was fatally struck by a car #and my other young cousin who was accidentally strangled after getting tangled in something that i can't remember #those last three were all under ten years old #so when i mean young i mean sometimes very young #oh and my best friend from childhood died kind of in front of me #from a...grand maul? seizure? he was epileptic #and that was when we were thirteen #i remember because it was very close to my birthday #and because my mom died that same year #so yeah...the goal is to live to be super old and then die in a hospital on morphine...