my grandpa’s funeral is tomorrow. I should probably be more upset about this, but I don’t really feel much at all about the fact that he died last week. even though we were fairly close and I liked him well enough. it might be a family thing, though, because neither of my sisters or my dad is very broken up about it. it was a very swift, businesslike recovery from his death that mostly involved cleaning out his room and setting up the funeral and all of that only took, like, three days. i expect the funeral to be a pretty small, quiet affair without much crying or anything. he lived a long time. most of his friends have already died. the rest aren’t the kind to make a fuss about it. oh, except my one aunt and cousin will definitely be crying heavily and saying a bunch of deep and probably false things about how close they were to my grandpa and how much they’ll miss him. they love attending funerals, and I’ve always found their grief very shallow and performative...almost insulting since I’ve seen them act this way at the funerals of people they’ve barely known...but I can’t really say anything because my own grief is usually very thin and quiet. I think I used most of it up when i was young, and there’s not much left. oh, and I also recognize that this is different from a lot of those early deaths, since most were young or died violently. in comparison, I actually feel some relief that my grandpa is dead, because he lived a long, eventful life, got to see his grandkids grow into their twenties, got to meet his great-grandkids who were born last year. didn’t have any major regrets or things he still wanted to do. and in the end, he was suffering so much and also the kind of person who told us often over the last few years that he was waiting to die and just hoped it would be fast. which it was. he spent two nights at the hospital, they put him on morphine for the pain, and he passed quickly. all in all, not a bad life or death.
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