#oh and six my grandmas cancer is back (they don’t quite know like how bad it is yet) and I haven’t seen her in two years

[mrcha1nsaw]

Is there anybody out there.

Oh my goodness. I’m on Tumblr. I never thought I would be back. But to be honest I miss blogging. Even though hardly anyone, if anyone at all, read my text posts, its nice to get things out of my head and down on to paper. I have a journal that I write in by hand but nowadays I rarely write it that either.  Its been a little over a year and a lot has happened.  I started my new job and I love it. The first six months were a little bumpy as I didn’t know anyone, I felt lonely and I constantly questioned whether I’d done the right thing. I went way out of my comfort zone, from being in a job where my auntie was my manager and I worked alongside my mum, to going where I knew one person and not that very well. No one knew about how I struggle with anxiety, confidence and esteem so I was scared that what if I had a breakdown at work and they would be mean to be about it. Luckily, all that seems to have calmed down at work. At work I have gained a little bit of confidence because now I have to interact with people more. It kills me inside every time I have to since but its a tiny bit easier each time. Other a tiny bit though!  My self esteem has grown slightly because I’m not constantly comparing myself to the achievements my family members make that I worked alongside with. I don’t work with anyone in my family now and it seems to be working out better for me now to be quite frank. Also I get a lot of praise from my seniors and managers about how well I work so that's helped too. Not to toot my own horn but I am good at what I do and I get a lot of rewards from it but in my old job they took me for granted. They knew I was good at what I did and thought I knew too enough to hardly ever give me the praise I needed to feel appreciated. Its nice to be appreciated.  Anyways, I’ve been there for a year and a half nearly and still love it. So I now know I definitely made the right choice. 

The end of 2018 I said 2019 was going to be my year and it certainly was. 

After years of stress and upset while saving to buy an house and thinking it would never happen, it finally happened! We started viewing house at the end of January. We kind of knew what we wanted but didn’t at the same time. The most certain think we knew was that we wanted a drive and two bedrooms at the least. The first few houses we liked but not enough. Then we happened to come across the house I am sit in right now. We both fell in love straight away and decided we NEEDED to own this house. We put in an offer half an hour after viewing and they accepted.  I can not even tell you unless, you have bought a house yourself, how stressful the next few months were! I took charge, because I am a control freak, and I wish I would have asked Sean for more help because it near damn broke me. Because I was so stressed I was snapping at everyone all the time, I was constantly tired, constantly emotional, it was awful . But then I think that if I hadn’t experienced and given up, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Obviously once we did move in we saw A LOT that needed doing that you don’t see when there's furniture in the way and you have rose tinted viewing glasses on. But its OUR home and we are in the process of putting our big stamp on it.   Another BIG thing that happened in 2019 is that we finally got engaged! I could not believe it. Its so bad the story of it because we had a massive argument the day before! We were on holiday in Sicily, the house sale was just complete and we had a moving day for like two days after we came back off holiday so I was beyond stressed by this point. Then on the first day of the holiday we were on the beach and a guy dies in the sea in front of us. So I was traumatised then. And because I suffer with anxiety about death anyways, I couldn’t stop thinking about it/stressing about it. It all built up, I was snapping at Sean all the time and rightly so, he’d had enough. So we ended up arguing but we then sorted it out the next day and everything was a bit better. A couple of days later we went on a trip up Mount Etna. And while up there, he got down on one and asked me to marry him. I obviously said, “are you being serious. Shut up”! I didn’t believe him because he messed about before saying stuff about getting engaged so I thought he was pissing about again! haha. I eventually said yes. We don’t really have any concrete plans for a wedding yet as we want to get loads done on the house and weddings can be pricey, but now I know its definitely going to happen now in the not too distant future. And I think I have now finally accepted that he loves me now and isn’t going anywhere soon. 

What can I say about 2020. Its been the worse. Not just because of this virus taking over the world but for what happened just before all that. Right at the end of 2019 we found out that one of the strongest, bravest man I know had lung cancer. To be honest, we shouldn’t have been that surprised. He smoked almost all his life, had the worst diet and drank loads. But it still was a shock. You hear ‘cancer’ and you fear the worst even while still hanging on to that tiny bit of hope that they will get through it. At first it didn’t look great and then it sounded better when they found out it was the slow growing type and he could have chemo. So we all got optimistic and off he went for chemo. The first time, he bounced back fine. The second time, it took him longer. He seemed to be poorly for ages. Then the third time, he almost died. It triggered a heart attack. He already had a bad heart before all this so it wasn’t good. He was in hospital for ages. We thought he would end up in there on Christmas. But he managed to get a little better again and came out. After that they decided chemo wasn’t going to be the best option for him anymore and that he had would have about a month to live. We wanted to make his last bit of time on Earth special so asked him what he would like to do and planned small trips he would be able to manage. But they never happened. Wish is soul destroying. He never got to do his last wishes because cancer had other ideas. He ended back in hospital and was there for weeks. A couple of weeks before his birthday in March they decided that they wasn’t anything else they could do for him in the hospital so he could go home to die comfortably. Those were the worse few weeks. He changed physically so much. He always use to be this big larger than life type of men, strong, lairy, always spoke his mind and he’d become this frail, weak old looking man I didn’t recognise. He couldn’t speak because the cancer had taken over his lungs and it exhausted him trying to catch his breath. The day before he passed away I sat at his bedside and said goodbye. He was in and out of consciousness at this point and his eyes were closed at lot. When I told him how much I loved him, he opened his eyes and looked straight at me, as if to say he knew and that he loved me too. I’ve never felt so sad at that moment ever in my life.  I hate that this happened just before lockdown because the funeral was terrible. The service was lovely but I mean we couldn’t go near each other, we couldn’t comfort each other and I still haven’t been able to give my Grandma a hug. It kills me. It kills me hearing her cry on the phone because she's so lonely and just needs a hug. Its the first time she's really been on her own without my Grandad in sixty odd years. I can’t even imagine how she feels.  I hate not being able to hug my parents too. I miss them. I lived with them for a long time and I need that familiar lovely feeling I get by just chatting with them in the kitchen over a cup of coffee. One good thing about this whole thing is that its made me realise. Never take anything so small for granted ever again. 

Ahh its all down in the virtual world. It feels so cathartic. 

#life #life update #2019 #2020 sucks #covid19 #cancer #enagement #house buying #its been a while #nobodies going to read all this

[purplesurveys]

631

General Randomness What's the weather like right now? It’s very bright and sunny out, but January is typically one of the colder days of the year so I’m not feeling uncomfortable right now. It’s the perfectly chilly temperature I would have liked to have all year long. What are you currently sitting on? I am sitting on a chair at our dining table, which is usually where I take surveys. How many times have you brushed your teeth today? Just once.

When did you get up? I’ve been up since 8, but didn’t get out of bed until 10.

Have you been in a vehicle for more than 45 minutes today? I haven’t been in a car at all today cos I’ve only stayed home. Angela invited me to go out for some drinks but I didn’t feel like drinking or being out today, so I’ve been home the whole time.

Where is your best friend? I think Angela is at home but I’m sure she’s getting ready to go out for the aforementioned ^ drinking. I’m not sure where Gab is. How many days until Christmas? Oh wow, barely missed it, chief. There are 355ish days left, I’m guessing? Have you kissed someone today? Nope. Is your mom over 50? No, and she still has a year to go. How old were you 7 years ago? I was technically 14, but was about to turn 15 in a few months. Do you know what 'C'est la vie' means? Yep. In Gen Z lingo, it essentially means, ‘it be like that sometimes’ lmao. Do you usually take showers or baths? Showers, because we don’t have bathtubs and also because I find it much more efficient anyway. I only take baths when I’m out of town, in a fancy hotel, and want to pamper myself with bubbles and fancy body wash. What kind of bottoms are you wearing right now? I’m wearing shorts just meant for the home.

Are you wearing anything red? Yes, the pair of shorts I just talked about. What was the name of your first pet? I didn’t keep track of my first goldfish’s name but a good guess would be Goldie. I wasn’t a very creative kid, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that turned out to be right. Do you live in an apartment? Nope. I’ve been living with my parents under their roof. What color is the floor in the room you're in? Cream-ish. What was the most irritating thing to happen to you today? My thesis professor being a headache to talk to. I am genuinely baffled at how she was able to secure a very high position in my university’s administration, considering how erratic she can get. How do you feel about your most recent ex? She’s great. Do you wish at 11:11? No. Do you wish on shooting stars? I would, if they often visited on this side of the world. But they don’t, so. Do you wish on dandelions? No. There aren’t a lot where I live. Are you drinking anything right now? Mmm no, not at the moment. I finished my coffee a little while ago and while I want to make a second cup to keep myself awake, I have an early morning tomorrow so I’d want to sleep early tonight. It’s back to work for me, ugh. About how tall is your father? Not too tall. He’s like, 5′5 or 5′6.  How old is your oldest living grandparent? I only know the age of one grandparent, and that’s my 73 year old maternal grandmother. I don’t get to see my paternal grandparents a lot cos they live quite far, so with that comes my insufficient knowledge about them.  Do you know anyone who has lived to be 100+? Gab’s great-grandmother, but she passed away last November. Have you had your birthday yet this year? Nope. There’s been a mere three days into the year, so very few people would already have had their birthdays hahaha. Do you read your horoscope on a regular basis? No. You do you, but I was never a fan. It’s also a pet peeve when people use their star sign as excuses for their shitty behavior. “Sorry I acted up, I’m a Scorpio,” “I hate everybody because I’m an Aquarius,” “I ghosted them because I’m a Cancer” no it’s because you’re a bitch, Karen. Do you like the color yellow? I hate it a bit less than green (my least favorite color) only because I love the song Yellow by Coldplay and because mustard yellow isn’t that bad of a color. Are you an aunt or uncle? If my friends start having kids soon, then I’ll be an aunt. Why is your best friend your best friend? They both understand my weirdness and all my quirks and never made me feel like I was being judged. What is your hair like at the moment? Tbh it matches my top pretty well so as frizzy as my hair is at the moment, it still looks good with the tank top I have on lolol. How many times have you donated blood this year? Zero. I’m scared of needles, and even if I get over that phobia I wouldn’t be able to donate anyway because I’m underweight. Are you wearing any jewelry? No, not right now. Are you a video-gamer? I wouldn’t call myself that. I play GTA just to be a law-abiding citizen and not actually do the missions lol, I get tired of playing The Sims after ten minutes, and I only play a handful of Nintendo games. Who got married at the last wedding you went to? My mom’s brother and his then-fiancee, now one of my favorite aunts except for the facts that she’s a hardcore Duterte supporter and Marcos apologist. Do you like Chinese food? Yep, it’s one of my favorite cuisines. How far is the nearest Walmart? I can’t walk nor drive to it, that’s for sure. Have you ever been a designated driver? I’m always DD by default because I’m the only one among my friends who has a car other than JM, who also has a (much bigger) car but is terribly low-tolerance and will absolutely pass out. I get tipsy easily as well, but I sober up real quick and always make sure I’m 100% back to reality by the time I drive. Which means that I typically have to stop drinking earlier than the rest of my friends, but so long as that means I get to take everyone back home safe, it’s okay with me. What is something that always brings tears to your eyes? My mom yelling at me. Who is your 20th phone contact? My contacts aren’t numbered thus I’m too lazy to count manually. Do you have any plans to get a tattoo? It’s not completely off the table, but I’ve definitely toned down my original plans of getting tattoo sleeves and getting myself generally covered a la CM Punk (and I have to tell ya, I’m so glad I grew out of that phase). These days I prefer to have small tattoos to memorialize significant people or events, and some of my plans include my dog’s pawprint and a plate of nachos. Or a new piercing? Probably not. What would your name be if your last name was the color of your shirt? Brown. If you could find out how you would die, would you want to know? Yes. I hate the unknown and would rather be certain, no matter how ugly or nasty the certainty holds. Do you make your bed regularly? Every morning. Do you look forward to the weekend? NO. I have a 2-day meeting for my 2-day weekend. I am so dreading it. I just want to stay a lazy couch blob for another week. How much do you know about the mechanics of cars? I know how to turn a car on, go forward, reverse, brake, and open my gas tank... and that’s about it. Has anyone ever told you you should be a model? Model and beauty queen, yeah. How old was your mom when she had you? She was 26, but was turning 27 that year. Do rainy days get you down? No. I thrive on rainy days lmao. Who is the artist/band you're listening to at the moment? No music keeping me company at the moment. Do you ever take aspirin when you 'feel a headache coming on'? Not aspirin but I take a Biogesic. I dunno if those two or the same thing or not. Is there a calendar in the room you're in? Nope. Do you prefer to be in a relationship or be single? I’ve been seeing a person for technically six years, so now I prefer a relationship after being accustomed to having one for so long. If you're single, do you wish you were in a relationship? Have you ever had your heart broken? Sure. Do you live within an hour of the beach? No. I’m very far away from the beach :( How do you like your steak? Rare or medium-rare. Were you born in the 1980s? I was not. A Few Firsts What was the first sound you heard when you woke up? I woke up to the sound of my mom calling me on my phone. I was half-asleep and didn’t feel like answering, so I muted it and went back to sleep. I feel guilty now that I remember, but she didn’t call back or text me so it probably wasn’t a big deal. Who was your first best friend? It was a girl named Kaye from kinder. We were good friends for like two years, and then we got sorted to different sections in Prep and drifted apart after that. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? I’ve said her name so many times on these surveys already. Y’all know. Who was your first date to a formal dance? I haaaateeeeed the idea of asking guys out and being in a relationship for most of high school, so I made sure I only asked my cousin for my prom. How bad was your first break up? Pretty messed up. There was a lot of tension and resentment and confusion in the beginning. Throw in my grandfather’s sudden death and me taking the UPCAT, and you have my mental health completely rattled! What was your first favorite movie? High School Musical, for sure. How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. What was your first trip to the emergency room for? My platelet count was really low, I was in danger of getting dengue, and had to stay the night at the hospital. Then there was sticking the IV onto my wrist, upon which I made a complete scene in the emergency room and thrashed and kicked around while my (very frail) grandma (sorry, Lola) tried to hold me down with a lot of patients watching lol. Where was the first place you went today? The kitchen. Who was the first person you saw? My sister, I think. What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up? I wondered why my mom called, realized I was too sleepy to care, and went back to bed. Do you remember the first time you spent the night away from home? Yupppp. I was in third grade, my club had an overnight camping thingy as its culmination activity, and it was the first time ever that I was allowed to spend the night somewhere else. I remember being around a campfire, roasting marshmallows for the first time, having to share a sleeping mat with Katreen, and her kicking me in her sleep.

Where was your first big vacation to? Boracay. What was your first job? None yet. I’ll make sure to update you by the end of the year. What was the first thing you had to drink today? Coffee.

Some Lasts Where was the location of your last kiss? My girlfriend’s car, when she dropped me back at my place. How old was the last person you kissed? 21. What was the last movie you rented? I’ve never experienced renting a movie, which definitely confirms my status as a Gen Z kid lmao. But I can tell you that the last movie I watched was Knives Out. Where was the last place you went? Other than around my house, we went to church last Tuesday night for New Year’s Eve mass. What was the last restaurant you went to? Yabu. Who was the last person to call you? My mom, this morning. Who was the last non-relative you spoke in person to? Gabie. What was the last thing you bought? I got dinner from Yabu, haha. When was the last time you drove more than an hour somewhere? December 14th. That evening was INSANE. It was Saturday + Christmas traffic, and it took me two hours to travel from Antipolo to Rita’s place in Makati. JM and I drove separately cos we were a big group - his drive took FOUR hours. Why did you last get angry? My thesis prof was doing us so fucking dirty and I couldn’t do anything about it. What color was the last vehicle you rode in? Blue-green. How long ago was your last birthday? NIne months. When did it last rain? It drizzled a little bit yesterday. What was the age difference between you and your most recent ex? A month and a half. When was the last time you used a dictionary? Maybe an hour ago for a word I used in a past survey lol. Mini iPod Shuffle: Don't Cheat, Use Whatever Song Comes Up, No Matter How Ridiculous (I have several playlists, so I’ll just use the Spotify-curated playlist made for Gab’s account called Your Top Songs 2019 hahahaha) My love song: Love song - Lana Del Rey (Wow.) My fight song: Swim Against the Tide - The Japanese House My break-up song: New Light - John Mayer The song for when I'm sad: Money - Leikeli47 The song for when I'm angry: Constant Conversations - Passion Pit My song to have sex to: Bad Girls - Tennis The song about my ex: Just the Same But Brand New - St. Vincent The song about my best friend: Juice - LIZZO The song about my crush: Seventeen - no rome My 'feel good' song: Venice Bitch - Lana Del Rey The theme song of my life: Formation - Beyoncé I literally know four of these songs, which I’ve since bolded just so y’all know that I have no idea what the other seven songs are and if they make sense with the situations at hand. Gab clearly uses her account more than I do, which should be the case anyway lmfaoooooo.

#survey #surveys

[bymyselfallalone-blog]

Dear Old Friend

Oh how I envy those that breeze through life scott- free!”

 A thought, or rather such a mantra I whispered to myself as people passed by me along the promenade, most likely focused on their significant other or the plans they were making with loved ones that night. They all seemed to have some sort of direction in life, you could see it in their eyes, especially their brows. The determination and contentment they had with their lives seemed a far cry from the state of mind I was in.

 The taste of nicotine in my mouth is starting to get unbearably strong. Ptui! The large glob of spit hits the pavement quicker than a bullet. Gauloises aren’t my first choice of cigarette, I don’t know if it was the brand name that made it sound like I was smoking purity, or if it was the cheapest deck I could afford, with the little spending money I had. My go to blend is usually always Marlboro red. Not too harsh but a comfortable taste I’ve gotten used to over the years. “My dear old friend Marlboro, oh where did we first cross paths?”

 Was it when all my friends walked around aimlessly trying to find different variations of you scattered along the street curbs, only to fulfil your purpose and our addiction? Or was it when I saw all the women I fancied lock their lips around you and breathe in the contents you withheld? I know you’re killing me slowly and surely, but you’ve been there for me through the toughest of times. You’re filling my lungs with bitterness and vitriol, but you calm me, you soothe my mind, you… fulfill me.

 I remember a time when it wasn’t all smoke and mirrors and I had someone that made me feel on top of the world. My posture was cool, I dressed nice and respectfully, I never had a frown on my face, I felt complete. Or so I thought. I was oblivious and naïve to the idea of trusting someone else with my deepest and darkest thoughts. I longed to seek something that felt realistic and simple, yet so difficult to maintain. Six months of my life was wasted on the thought of falling head over heels for someone. My dear old friend, you tore us apart; our friendship hindered this utopia I envisioned to be so happy and loving.

 I shouldn’t blame you though, that’s quite insensitive of me. It was a bad decision looking back at that time in the rearview. I desperately wanted to find someone that was like me and accepted me for who I was. If anything came from our ‘candid’ time together some part of being with her calibrated my mind and installed the latest version of “Advanced.Apathy1.0.” A program I relinquish and reclaim from time to time. “Oh how I envy those that breeze through life scott-free!”

 My dear old friend, do you remember the countless times she enjoyed your company, and the times she disapproved and put you down? Said your presence in my life was ‘impure and a dirty habit.’ I tried to discontinue our countless rendezvous, I really did, but the feeling without you felt oh so testing. Without your presence I felt so submerged, I was a decaying and colourless statue of coral viewing all the colourful and lively fish and sea plants unaffected and oblivious to my slowing demise. Did I depend on you more than I depended on her? I haven’t the slightest clue.

 Ptui! The taste is becoming unbearable. What is it about you that makes me feel oh so fickle? When I’m surrounded by others that share the same admirable love for your brothers, sisters and cousins I get this immense feeling of solace and belonging. But when I’m by myself all alone I feel dirty, impure, lesser than someone of accepted merit. That’s how she made me feel my old friend, not only because of our relationship, but because she felt this tendency to change all my imperfections.

The tulips and the daisies sway to and fro, the sight and beauty of every petal hypnotized me for a moment. The stridulating noise from the crickets became more apparent than before. Barely anyone was in plain sight, except for a couple off in the distance walking behind their dog, both holding hands, content in their stride. Stopping abruptly, they plant a quick but passion filled kiss on eachother’s lips. The ecstasy of love and atonement envelops them. “Here boy!” one of them shouts, beckoning the dog to return to them. I wished and longed for that sensation of belonging to someone, being their everything, looking past the flaws or personality traits I disliked about them. Alas, you have to be careful what you wish for.

 “I wanna kill myself!” she exclaimed, sitting on the other side of the bench, palms against her eyes, hiding the tears from plain sight. Such a beautiful remark to hear from someone you just cut ties with moments ago. I remember trying to console her, convincing her that we weren’t meant to be together, I broke my inner feelings to her nicely my old friend, I really did. Flustered I was, it would’ve been so much easier to break it to her over text, a few simple buttons and voila! End of the entrapment and spell she had me under. “Oh how I envy those that breeze through life scott-free!”

 My Dear Old Friend, I don’t know if it was her suicidal exclamations or her parting words that hurt me the most. She cursed me and hoped I’d wake up every single day for the rest of my life a damned failure. I know I’m still young, but sometimes her words repeat in my mind on an endless loop, dictating every decision or person I interact with. I feel an urgent need to cut ties with you my friend, for being close to you makes me feel like a failure.

 The embers begin to envelop the withering white of the cancer stick. My gums reek of the nicorette purity I envisioned the Gauloises would contain.

 My Dear Old Friend, how most young people are oblivious to the tarnishing and corruption you embellish unto their lives. Your black tar fills my lungs with smoke and soot, your presence takes my breath away. I’ve developed a permanent cough that reminds me of you. I know if I continue this relationship for any longer I’ll end up like my Grandma.

 For some reason the speakers in the lobby of the retirement care centre were fixed to some commercial radio station. The crooning voice of Chris Martin breaking through the melancholic guitar riff.  My whole family packed into her room, staring at someone they saw trying to withstand the cancer spread throughout her lungs.

 My Dad told me in the months leading up to that night that he reckoned it was either ageing defects or the industrial area that fostered her childhood that kickstarted the cancer. I noticed her cough, mobility and hearing became increasingly impaired as the disease spread throughout her body. Did she ever rely on you dear old friend? Were you the one that started her end? I’d really appreciate if you would answer me.

 My eyes start to well up, my upper lip quivers, I pause before inhaling the remaining purity I have.  My throat tightens, forcing me to cough a large sum of smoke directly into my eyes. Just my luck.

 Why can’t you answer me? When I dwell on our relationship as a whole, I only rely on you when I’m stressed or paranoid. You don’t console me through words though, do you? And it seems as though I’m the only one having to pay for your service! Are you even my friend? “Oh how I envy those that breeze through life scott-free!”

 For it was just yesterday my parents found out about us. My dear old friend, the guilt that came along with confessing our relationship to them is starting to quietly chew me up inside. They told me it was all up to me to either stop seeing you or give in. They want what’s best for me and I’m seriously starting to think that life would be easier without you. For after all, you’re just a bad habit that’s governing my life at the moment.

  My index finger and thumb wrap around the shaft of the filter for one final time. I bring the withering and faintly glowing acquaintance up to my mouth and inhale. Phewww! The smoke rises and disperses throughout the evening, painting the sky a saturated grey in amongst the clouds. I dwell on my thoughts for a second.

 My dear old friend, I’m afraid this is goodbye for now. You’ve brought me so much comfort, but you will tarnish everything that is good in my life. You’re becoming more expensive as time goes by. I hope my friends can overcome the entrapment and spell you have them under.

 The sun slowly submerges beneath the skyline, giving way for the moon to rise. The breeze softens, allowing the daisies and tulips to relax. The stridulating of the crickets pauses for a short moment. I flick the filter towards the other side of the footpath, as it dies a slow painless death, never to be seen again.

[iviolingirl]

Numb

The past day and a half has been very stressful. Last year just before I turned 23, I found out that my GG (great grandma) was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. At first we thought it was lung cancer, (which didn't make any sense because she is not a smoker) but we now think it was probably ovarian cancer. Even though she was stage 4, she elected to begin chemotherapy treatment because she wanted more time and wasn't ready to say goodbye to all of us. She only has one daughter, but my grandma has six children, and there are 18 of us grandkids so we have quite a large family. For awhile her treatment was helping her buy more time, but of course it eventually began to take its toll on her and make her sick. So, after her doctor told us that her cancer was spreading rapidly, he advised us to discontinue treatment, set up hospice care, and enjoy the time with her we had left. He gave her an expected three to six months left. This was around the middle of October, I believe. (The time has all run together due to my emotions so I don't exactly remember the time frame.) On November 1, my GG turned 85 years old. She had already stopped her treatment, and was spending lots of time with us. We took her out to dinner for her birthday and then gave her a birthday cake. I went to visit my family for her birthday the week previous to her actual birthday, so the last week of October. I travel two and a half hours to see my parents and such since I don't live at home anymore. I moved for college. Since I work retail, I of course had to work the Black Friday sales, so I went home for thanksgiving with my boyfriend on Monday and Tuesday of last week. My GG was getting much weaker, I could tell the cancer was taking its toll on her, but she was still able to get around with her wheelchair and use the bathroom alone. She wasn't eating very much, and her voice was pretty faint, but she was still strong willed as ever. All of the women in my family most definitely got our stubbornness from her. So after thanksgiving on Monday, my boyfriend and I headed back home the following day so we could be back for work. My mom told me she would call me if GG started taking a turn for the worse. My family celebrated their thanksgiving at my moms house this past Saturday, since most of us work for the same retail company and so would be working on thanksgiving day. My family posted pictures on Facebook. In just the few days since I had last seen her, my GG looked much worse. She was either lying down or in the rocking chair constantly, and had to have help going to the bathroom since she couldn't walk anymore. I could see in the pictures that it wouldn't be much longer, but I hoped at least she had a few more weeks, and would at least make it to Christmas Day. However, this was not to be. Yesterday, I was at work. I usually keep my phone in my pocket and have it on vibrate in case someone needs to get a hold of me. I work at the service desk, so if I feel my phone go off, I usually just go to the bathroom to see what it is. But on Monday, I got asked to cover the lunch on the smoke shop register, which you can't leave unattended at all. While I was over there, I felt my phone start vibrating from a fall in my pocket, and I thought it might have been my mom calling about my GG, but I assured myself if something was wrong, she'd either keep calling me or call the store and ask for me. Neither of these happened, so I decided to just wait until my break and check my phone. About half an hour later, around 11:30 AM I got my break, checked my phone and saw it was a missed call from my mom, just like I thought. So I called her back and she told me what I had feared. GG had begun to take a turn for the worse the previous night. She was no longer eating, drinking, and was barely talking. She was in a lot of pain. I asked my mom if it was time for me to come, and she said yes. I said okay mom, I'll come. So I hung up the phone, and after having a meltdown in the middle of the front end, went and found my store manager, explained why I was leaving, and left. I went home, calmed down a bit so I could make the drive, threw a bag together, put some gas in my car and got on the highway around 12:45 or 1 pm. Everybody was at my aunts house, since that's where we had GG. I got to my aunts just before 3:30 and went inside to find all of my aunts and uncles, my mom and my grandma, plus most of my cousins (the ones that weren't at school). GG was on the couch with her oxygen cannula in her nose, with her legs twitching due to her restless legs. She was somewhat able to communicate still, and she was able to recognize that we were there and tell us she loved us, although it was mostly mumbling. She was being given several different medicines to keep her as calm and comfortable as we could. She was starting to get bed sores. I sat with her and held her hand, told her I loved her and I came to see her. Later that evening, we made the decision to move her into the hospital bed my aunt had rented and set up in the living room. My mom, my brothers and I headed back to my moms house around maybe 9pm, I needed to do some laundry and my brothers both had school in the morning. I had barely eaten much that day due to my anxiety making mg stomach so upset, but I decided I was up to getting something so I put some shoes on, grabbed my purse and headed upstairs. At this exact moment, Braeden (my 16 year old brother) told me that mom was going back to Cathy's (my aunts house.) I asked what was happening, mom said she was having trouble breathing and the morpheme may have been upsetting her stomach. So we jumped in the car, leaving Braeden to stay with my younger brother since he was in bed. We got back to my aunts house, and GGs breathing was much more labored. We eventually got her comfortable again by giving her more medicine and lying her flat on her back. Then for a couple hours, it was a cycle of her sleeping and then waking back up when her medicine wore off, then us giving her more medicine. At this point, we really thought that she would be going soon, so all of us started to say our goodbyes and told her we loved her. I was at her bedside with my mom and my grandma, four generations all together. My mother tearfully asked my grandma if anyone had told her it was okay to go, and grandma said she had. I decided to tell her myself. I got down and whispered in her ear that it was okay for her to go now, that we loved her, and it was going to be okay. I really thought she was going to leave us last night, but true to my GGs stubbornness, she stayed with us. My mom and I eventually left my aunts house after 1 am, and went back home after stopping for me to get a snack because I was very hungry. I went home, ate my snack, and went to bed around 230. I actually didn't sleep too bad once I fell asleep. I woke up shortly after seven this morning to my mom calling me to say she was taking my younger brother to school and then was going back to GG. I told her I would take a shower and then head out there myself. So I got up, showered and left. When I got to my aunts house, Around maybe 830-9 am, my GGs breathing was much more raspy due to all the fluid in her lungs. She was no longer responsive to us and her breathing was beginning to slow down. She was beginning to turn grey around the mouth. We were giving her medicine hourly to keep her comfortable. Due to her no longer being able to swallow, her saliva was building up in her mouth so my aunts would suction it out with a syringe every so often. Throughout the day, her breathing began slowing down even more and she was taking more time in between her breaths. Around 6pm I decided that I was most likely going to spend the night at my aunts because we all pretty much knew she would pass sometime with the next day. I ran back to my moms to grab a few things, and my computer just so I had something to keep me occupied and my mind busy. When I got back, dinner was about ready and they had stared making the younger kids plates since they made them something different. So just after 7pm, I sandwiched myself between my grandma and one of my aunts in the corner of the couch I'd been sitting in all day, and we started eating dinner. 7:12 PM. I had a forkful of food on its way to my mouth. All of a sudden, everyone jumped up. Although I didn't hear it, two of my aunts heard the machine noise that meant GG had stopped breathing. She had left us. We threw our plates aside and rushed to her bedside. My poor grandmother was leaned over her saying "oh, mama" over and over and over. I just leaned over her and rubbed her back, saying it's okay and GG isn't in any more pain. We all told GG we loved her and all us adults were at her side as she left us. We cried and told her we loved her and held her and stroked her hair and leaned on each other as the moment we all dreaded had finally arrived. Someone called the hospice nurse, and eventually the funeral home came to take her. I had notified some people close to me shortly after she passed, but other than that I had not left her side. The only person I was unable to get a hold of was my boyfriend, because unbeknownst to me his phone was dead and he was making the drive from his parents house back to where we live. My aunt had her hand under GGs chin because she didn't want her mouth to be stuck open. Eventually her hand got sore, so I took over. I don't really know how long I stood there with my hand under her chin, telling her I loved her, how strong she was, and crying with my family as we all said our goodbyes. Eventually the people from the funeral home arrived and it was time to take her away. I was still standing at her bedside holding her chin so her mouth would be closed. My Grandma came up to say her final goodbyes, and my aunts all comforted her and told her she wasn't in any more pain, she was okay, her family was taking care of her now, she was listening to Elvis. She had such a wonderful life. My mother had paperwork to sign since she is my GGs medical power of attorney, but when she was done I reached out for her. My mother, my grandma and I leaned over my GG and I said that we had all four generations together. I still had my hand under GGs chin. At this point, my boyfriend returned my phone call. With my hand still on GG, I picked up the phone and told him that GG had died and that I was still holding her, but now I had to let go so they could take her. My mom and my aunt were telling me it was okay, and I let her go and went outside to cry on the phone to my boyfriend. After I was done, I went inside to give GG one last kiss before the funeral home took her away. And the she was gone. We will meet tomorrow morning to make funeral arrangements. I am in so much emotional pain. I am exhausted. The past day and a half has been such a blur. I have never watched someone die before. But I am so glad I got to be by her side and she passed peacefully, surrounded by her family. I am emotionally numb. The next few days will be difficult. RIP GG. I love you so much.

[viralhottopics]

25 Men And Women Confess To The Darkest, Most Absurd Secrets Theyve Never Told Anyone Before

1.Identity Swapping Twins

“My grandfather had an identical twin brother. shall refer to grandfather as A and twin as B. Brother A got drafted into WWII, brother B didn’t so he pretended to be A to take A’s better job. Brother A returns from war and brother B’s still pretending to be him, even got promoted a few times. Brother A says, thats cool I’ll be brother C from now on (changed his name). This has gone on for over 50 years, never legally changed it or anything, just gave his identity to his bro and created a new one.”

2. Wasted…Too Wasted

“I once paid for a blowjob from a woman that was probably older than my grandmother. I was so wasted but I remembered everything. I quit drinking for a while after that.”

3. RIP Dennis

“Friend’s toilet doesn’t flush, I poop in trash can. Huge poop. Biggest poop I’ve ever taken. Friend’s family find massive poop in trash can and think that one of them threw out some dog poop, but due to the sheer size they figure that something is wrong with one of their dogs. A few weeks after taking their dogs to the vet, they find out their Yorkie has stomach cancer. Dog dies shortly after, incredibly large poop was seen as a result of the dogs cancer when in reality I pooped in their trash can. They still tell stories of the Yorkie’s poop that was about 3/4 it’s size.

RIP Dennis. You will be missed.”

4. No One Knows The Truth

“I was getting into a car once and somehow managed to slam my eye into the corner of the door.. got a giant black eye from it. Told everyone I got into a fight. No one but me knows the truth.”

5. Doing The Right Thing For Selfish Reasons

“When I was 15, I had my first girlfriend. She was the little sister of one of my very protective best friends, so right off the bat things were a bit sticky. She was a little off and after quite some time of prying she told me in confidence that when she was younger, her uncle abused her. She didn’t want to tell anyone because she figured it would destroy the family. Jump forward six months, and we break up over unrelated matters. The brother(my best friend) called me to a park to talk about it. I was pretty nervous that our friendship would end and the conversation when I got there was leaning towards that. Petty, but we were 15.

In a kind of last ditch effort, I told him about her uncle and what she told me. The conversation was then completely off me and the break up and onto her uncle. We sat there for a long time and I held him as he cried. The fallout from it was massive; the uncle was outed, his wife divorced him, he lost his job, etc. There was major rifts and divides across the entire family that lasted for a very long time. Their family has basically never been the same because of it.

I know what I did was right, because people like her uncle can’t be trusted and the truth should always come out. But in complete honesty, at the time I told my best friend about the uncle I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I was simply trying to distract my friend and take the guilt off me. I’ve never told anyone that and it kind of feels good to let it out. I wasn’t any social justice warrior or even a hero for outing a bad guy, I was just a kid who was nervous.”

6. I Was A Teenage Prostitute

“I made a lot of money working as a prostitute from the age of 19-22.

I stopped because the lifestyle I was living was killing me, I was doing a lot of heroin, I was surrounding myself with really dangerous people who did some really shitty things to me, and I really wanted to kill myself.

I somehow found myself lucky enough to get out and into a new city, and I got help in getting clean. I now work a regular job at a nice coffee shop, I have friends I very much love and are a positive influence on my life.

I’ve told my closest friends, but it obviously isn’t something you go around advertising.”

7. I Don’t Remember It But I’m Pretty Sure He Does

“NSFW response just FYI since I see this thread isn’t tagged. Using a throwaway because i want to get it off my chest, but, you know.

When I was 11 my older brother raped me a number of times(for the record i am male). It was kinda weird in that I literally had no idea what I was doing and don’t even have traumatic memories. It’s just kinda something that I know happened. I didn’t even connect the dots until I was 14, and I didn’t feel that bad about it then.

Honestly, the event probably impacts me more than I give it credit for and I think if I really wanted to just correlate things i would relate a decline in self-valuation to this event. I’m pretty sure my older brother remembers it, he is only 14 months older than me, but I give him the benefit of the doubt. I am pretty sure he didn’t really know what he was doing (I was homeschooled from 6th grade onward so sex ed didn’t exist), and am absolutely certain he regrets it.”

8. Saving Money

“To save up money to move out, I sell nudes.

Some guys want really specific things (leather suits, feet in a certain angle) so it’s easier to ask what they want than trying to find it online. Usually $5-$15 for a few pics and depending on what they want me to do.”

9. A Guilty Pleasure

“I think ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ is one of the greatest songs in history, and when alone in my car, and no other cars are nearby, I try to hit all the notes.”

10. Testicular Torsion Is A Real Thing

“I only have one testicle. The other one was removed when I was in middle school due to Testicular Torsion (where the testicles twist upon themselves) cutting off the blood supply to that area.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t get to the ER until several hours later, after 1) going to the normal doctor to see what was wrong, and having to wait a long time in line, 2) the doctor saying I needed to get to the ER ASAP, but when I did the doctors there had apparently mixed up my case with someone else’s (not as urgent) case, so I was waiting in the ER for longer than I should have. And then 3) when I finally got to see a doctor, they had to call a second doctor before I could undergo surgery due to my insurance needing a second opinion. With all of those delays they were only able to save one testicle, while the other one had to be removed.

With that being said, if you have a son who is at the late elementary/early middle school age and they suddenly feel an intense pain in their private area for no apparent reason, please get them to the Emergency Room ASAP.”

11. Laughing Along

“I enjoy getting fucked in the ass with a strapon. I’m a pretty normal guy otherwise, but it’s a bit funny to hear people occasionally crack jokes about the subject and I have to laugh along.”

12. The Samaritan’s Dilemma

“I once talked a dude I had never met out of suicide via a phone call.

Two years later the same dude develops a habit of harassing girls to the point they themselves start feeling suicidal. First time I hear of this I tell him to stop, second time I cut all communication with him.

Third time I outright told him I wished I never saved him, and then snuck to his house and left a bottle of bleach at his doorstep.

The dude is still alive. And I still say that saving him was a mistake.”

13. Couldn’t Hold It

“Pissed on the floor at work because I couldn’t make it to the restroom. I was closing and wanted to get out of there ASAP… misjudged how long I could hold it. Didn’t want to piss pants. Was mopping at the time. Convenient.

I am also female, so it was definitely a commitment (i.e. exposing buttocks).”

14. Dumb Kids Who nearly Died

“When we were seniors, Cody & I were just getting drunk and being dumb kids. He drove us to a friends apartment where I don’t even remember leaving, and went back to my house. I remember trying to convince him to stay the night, but he drove home. This was at 1am. I woke up to him screaming at me at 4am about how he crashed his truck. I live at home.

My Dad walked out because he was getting ready for work, and took Cody home. Cody had wrapped his truck around a pole, and managed to not only walk away but he fucking ran to my house. I saw the truck, I would have been killed had I been in it. Cody’s Dad took the damage for the truck, and my Dad never said anything about it. Cody stopped drinking after that. He’s still my best friend, but being dumb kids almost killed us.”

15. Visited An Escort At Nineteen

“I got an escort once when I was 19.

She was a psych student at the same university and graduated from high school a couple years before me. We had a strangely normal conversation lol, like you would with a barista.

Anyway she wrapped my tool, started jerking me off and I said something like, ‘Oh man I wanna be inside you let’s get this ball rolling!’

And she was like, ‘Sorry honey, I’m not full service.’

So I was like, ‘What’s that mean?’

She explained that it means I’m basically just gonna get a handjob.

She was tugging for like 15 minutes and getting a little annoyed like, ‘Are you close to finishing?’

I had to be like, ‘No offense, but I’m not a virgin or anything like that. I’m at a point in my life where it’s hard to get off to a hand job through a condom.’ She was like, ‘Well you’re gonna have to’ and went back at it. I finally busted like 20 minutes later, my dick was completely red and swollen from the whole thing lol

As I was getting dressed I was like, ‘Hey I’m not mad or anything. I totally understand it’s part of the hustle, but I’m not thrilled at forking out 120 bucks for a handjob. Could you school me on how to get more for my buck if I get an escort in the future?’

She happily explained to me all the lingo, what to ask for upfront what not to say on the phone etc etc.

I thanked her and as I left she was like, ‘What’s your deal dude? You’re not like a typical client, you look good in your little baseball cap and your stylish jeans. You aren’t a virgin, I don’t often get young guys like you.’ I told her I was just out of a bad breakup and had some xmas money from my grandma to burn.

She ended up just complimenting me and encouraging me to just get out and try to date instead of spending grandma’s money on pussy.

The confidence boost was better than the blowjob. Total sweetie, I saw her on campus once but out of politeness/discretion didn’t acknowledge her.

Was a very surreal experience.”

16. Hooks Up With Boss On A Business Trip

“This is a long story. I went on a business trip with a group from work. The day we left I found out that my husband was sleeping with my brother’s wife. Of course the alcohol flowed and the owner of the company began hitting on me. My roommate went to the room early and I stayed out with a bunch of coworkers and the owner at a bar. He began texting me saying that he would walk to his room, I would walk to mine and then he would come over to mine later so no one would know. He gets there and things get heated, we are going full force when my coworker roommate starts screaming at me to shut the fuck up. She gets upset and runs out, gets in her car and goes all the way back home. It was dark and she didn’t see who the man was. We get back to work and she tells everyone that I was fucking a random and she felt unsafe. So my boss(not the owner) decides that he’s going to suspend me for putting myself and my roommate in danger. I’m not telling anyone that it was actually the owner so I was suspended without pay for a week. The owner paid me my weeks wages plus some secretly. He’s 20 years older than me and married:( I left that job because of it.”

17. Burying Doctor Manhattan

“My best friend, lets call him Doctor Manhattan, hung himself two years ago. He was an ex-African refugee from the war in Rwanda, with a very promising career in physics. He actually had an offer to work at the LHC, and he looked very much forward to it that is, until he committed suicide, of course.

It took all of us by surprise. He has always been a very dark individual, and not only by the color of his skin : he definitely had the most fucked up sense of humor Ive ever seen. Were talking about disguising himself as a plantation slave for Halloween, or pretending to be named Kunta Kinte when a stranger asked his name.

Anyway.

Since he died in the middle of Winter, and that I live in a country where it is impossible to bury the dead in the frozen ground, we had to wait until Summer to actually bury him.

That very day, unfortunately, I had to work extra for some bullshit reason. Immediately after my shift, I ran to the cemetery as fast as I could. It was not really far from there, but still ; I did not want to miss that.

Halfway there, I suddenly heard bells ringing, and singing. I knew too well what that meant.

I missed it. It was too late.

As I came upon the cemetery upon the hill, nobody was left there.

Well, almost nobody.

Manhattan only had two white friends in the city ; me, and Green Lantern. And Green Lantern was next to the coffin, crying.

I went up to him, and asked him what was wrong.

GreenLantern : Manhattan’s dead, you fucking retard.

Me: Yeah, but hes been that way for months. Whats wrong?

He looked at me, with tears in his eyes. After a long moment of silence, he finally uttered the right words.

GreenLantern : I cant get over it, .

Me: Well, so cant I, and I missed the fucking ceremony.

GreenLantern : Fuck, .

The heaviest silence fell upon the cemetary, with our dead superhero buddy next to us. Almost as if he wasn’t the most silent one out there. When I had an idea.

Me: Lets fucking bury him.*

Green Lantern stopped crying.

What the fuck are you talking about? he said in amidst of a chuckle.

Me: Lets bury Manhattan. He would have loved it. Come on man.

GreenLantern : Oh, thats so fucked up.

Me: Yeah, but he was.

GreenLantern : Youre right.

So thats how me and my buddy ended up shoveling dirt with our barehands upon the coffin of our dead friend, grieving in about 15 minutes.”

18. Craigslist and His Best Friend’s Dad

“I posted an ad on craigslist looking to give some oral services to ‘Dl/Married Men’ after talking to one of the guys who answered my ad, he seemed sane so I gave him the address to my apartment. Turns out when I opened the door, it was my best friend’s dad. We both acknowledged this event. I still went to town on him. My best friend is the oldest of 3 boys and the family is “Happily Married” fuck. I am scum.”

19. “Female Badass”

“I have the image that I’m a ‘female badass’ when I show everyone how proud I am that I’m single and that I don’t ever want to get married and have kids. Deep down, I would love to have a wedding and start a family. I just know that no one will be able to deal with me. I was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship, and I wake up screaming from my nightmares in the middle of the night. I don’t trust anyone, and I know that others would rather find someone else. But I’m going to keep letting others think that I’m happy being single.”

20. This Guy Will Steal Your Girl

“My brother was trying to get with this girl. But for some reason her and I hit it off one night when he wasn’t around. We just got along really well, it was very natural. I never intended on stealing her from him because I was seeing another girl. Eventually my brother started dating her but she abruptly broke up with him about two months later because I knew she couldn’t stand being around me all the time when I was the one she liked.”

21. Lied About The Abortion

“A three month fling and I had a pregnancy scare after he ended things with me, citing that he ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’. He had spent a week trying to convince me to have an abortion, even before I found out there was no baby to abort. A few weeks later, I found out he was in a relationship with someone else, whose Facebook profile picture looked like it was taken on his couch and posted at a time when he and I were still together. Being the unstable and jilted person I was years ago, I convinced him I had lied about not being pregnant and actually had an abortion. He and the girl broke up a few days later.”

22. Burying the Hatchet

“So I was 17, horny as can be. I like butt stuff…like a lot. I wasn’t 18 so I couldn’t buy a dildo (when I turned 18 I used my bday money to buy one…another slightly sad thought). I was jonesing for something in my butt. I had tried a sharpie, a few fingers, there were sadly no cucumbers or anything similar nearby either. Then, a thought comes to me as I scan my room. My eyes meet my Great-grandfathers hand carved axe. The handle is shaped rather penis like, the end is like a dick-head, and almost a foot long! It has a carving on it of my Great grandfathers initials. I’m thinking…owch. It’s remarkably smooth, I wouldn’t get a splinter even if I tried, but the intials look rough on the ass. I shuffle for the free condoms I got handed to me at a recent festival I went to. This should make it a little smoother, right? I lube it up with Vaseline after covering it with a condom, and take it to pound town on myself. It was pretty nice, 10/10. Now I have it sitting in my room, 4 years later. It’s mine now since my grandfather passed and every time I see it I think of the night my 100 year old family heirloom pounded my ass as I busted the greatest nut my pure gay teen heart had known thus far.”

23. Trophy Wife

“I went to a rock concert with my uncle and his son. My uncle convinced me that the only way I would get in is if I pretended to be his wife, I had to wear a wedding ring.

My uncle was in his mid 40’s and I was 16. I didn’t understand why I had to be his wife but I went along with it cause I really wanted to see this band.

My uncle didn’t really pull any moves but he saw a couple of his old college friends and actually introduced me as his wife. He was still married to his actual wife. The weirdest part was my cousin, his son, was two months older than me.

Now that I’m older I kinda realized that my uncle played me because he wanted to have some young, hot trophy wife to show off to his friends. Kinda embarrassed I never realized that until two years later. Borderline incest, however he isn’t my blood-relative. His actual wife is my blood-relative.”

24. Holding It

“Ok. I can’t believe I’m actually about to type this because it’s so insanely embarrassing. In high school I did competitive speech competitions. When I was a junior, I finally made it to state for monologue. I only found out that I had made it to state the Monday before the competition because I was first alternate which meant if one of the competitions couldn’t make the competition then I would get to go to state. Since I found out so late notice, it was only my theater teacher and I at the competition and she had to go judge other rounds. The competition was at University of Oklahoma. So I was this little high school girl all alone on this gigantic college campus. I was terrified.

The way the competition went was that you had to perform three rounds over the course of two days and they would take your scores from all three rounds. It was the last round of the first day and I had to pee so bad. We were sitting there waiting for the third judge to come in so we could start. The judge was about thirty minutes late. I was sitting there having to pee and terrified that if I got up to go, the judge would come in and they would start without me. Right as I was about to muster the courage to get up and go use the restroom, the third judge walks in and they start the round. I performed second but there were still four performing after me (each performance was about 6 minutes long). Finally the last person gets up to perform and I’m freaking out in my head cause I can’t wait to get up and pee. The guy that was performing was insanely hilarious. I don’t remember what he said, but at one point he made me laugh so hard that I literally pees my pants. Not just a little pee, I let it all out. I remember looking around the room to see if anyone noticed. They didn’t. Somehow when the round was over, I managed to get up and throw my jacket around my waist and rush out before anyone noticed what I did.

I was so embarrassed. I always wondered if anyone ever noticed when they went to clean the room. The next year when we went to state, my teacher said there was a new rule that before any of the competitors left the room, the judges had to check it was clean because someone the year before peed all over the floor. When my teacher told us that, my whole class cracked up laughing at how ridiculous you would have to be to pee all over the floor. They had no clue it was me.”

25. The Fake Boyfriend Becomes Real

“I pretended to have a long distance boyfriend for 3 years when I was 13, until 16. Everyone else had boyfriends, and I got asked out only by weirdoes. I picked a good name and a good school for him, created lots of memories. I lived in a high school dorm during two years of this fake relationship, and every night I pretended to talk with him on the phone. I was pretty good at lying too. I even cheated on this fake boyfriend with a really great guy, and told the real one I felt guilty and broke up with him. I was fucked up, and I hated myself, but continued it anyway.”

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#25 Men And Women Confess To The Darkest #Most Absurd Secrets Theyve Never Told Anyone Before