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equallyshaw · 6 months

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through thick and thin, always | mat barzal

not too sure if i wanna do gif's or pictures like that above..trying something new out (:

warnings: mental health struggles and ed talk.

word count: 2.9k+

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

trigger warning: relapse in an eating disorder, but not to graphic! talks of therapy and past shame/guilt.

della's mental health struggles had been brewing for some time, long before she ever met mat. when she met mat, her mental health improved along with her self-esteem just by the sheer fact that she was dating somebody. however, this year's fall rolled around it seemed as if everyone, every situation, and herself were against her. with having the luxury of working from home 5 days a week, she was alone a lot and in turn, had oh so much time for her thoughts to feast on her self esteem. for the first time in almost 6 years she'd had the urge to restrict. she kept reminding herself that her habit got her nowhere all those years ago, but she had that hopeful optimism that it would be different this time. a few days before christmas, sydney was hosting a holiday party for the last game before christmas and she noticed something very off with her good friend. her friend drowned herself in the alcohol that was provided and not much of the food that sat out. della felt very uncomfortable, she felt like none of her clothes fit right over her bones and curves, she felt like the odd man out seeing everybody wearing the clothes she desperately wished she could, though knew she might never be able to. she thought about how mat looked at her, and what he thought of her physically. she felt like she wasn't good enough for him, even after almost three years together.

sydney watched as the girl sipped on her wine whilst looking out at the backyard as snow fell, and felt her heart fall. she made her way over, and wrapped an a soft arm around the girl's back. "you good, dells?" sydney asked and della nodded. "ofcourse, why wouldn't i be?" she mused putting on a fake smile. "well..you've barely watched the game and i just wanted to make sure you were good. that's all." sydney said and della nodded. "yeah! sorry, been busy with work and just trying to clear my head a bit." della said, the perfect smile enchanting her pale skin. sydney nodded, "well lets go to the kitchen, the girls are snacking away right now." and della frowned. "i-i think im heading out now. i have a deadline tomorrow and i wanna make sure i have it done on time." della said as the two walked towards the kitchen. "oh, okay. no worries, please let me know when you get home." sydney said pulling her into a hug. one that della needed desperately after a 2 week road trip. "ofcourse, syd." della hummed before putting on her coat and walking outside. della quickly made her way to the car, feeling her headache grow as the alcohol was continuously hitting her empty stomach. she sighed, as she got into the car and chewed on her lip. she looked at her lap, and felt the tears finally poured over onto her cheeks. she made her way back to her townhouse a few neighborhoods over and sat in the garage that seemed like an hour.

her mind and thoughts were racing with what she did that evening, how much she drank, and spoke, how many excuses she made and white lies that were said. she thought about how sydney had looked at her, with pity? remorse? concern? della did not have much more time to think before her phone began to ring. mat's name popped up and she let it go to voicemail, most likely wondering where she was. she had said she'd be at syd's for the evening and some of the guys were stopping by there afterward.

for the first time in years, she truly hated herself. hated how she looked to herself and to others. her body dysmorphia crippling her once more. she got out of the car, and headed inside and was greeted by her corgi, 'poppy' and quickly kneeled down to be on her level. she curled up into a ball with poppy and sobbed. realizing how bad it was getting again, and it made her guilty because of how much progress she'd made. "why poppy? why does it always have to come back at the worst times?" della mumbled, as poppy laid on her chest now. her phone began to ring again and a few texts came in, but della did not budge to look. she got up, ripping her coat off feeling suffocated. she threw it on the ground towards the garage door and headed towards the kitchen to grab more alcohol. as she was pouring herself some more wine, she heard a knock on her door. she sighed, walking over towards the front door saw her neighbor and now good friend lea. "saw you pull in, hun. brought some goodies over." and once della saw the dark chocolate peppermint bark, she knew she was a goner. "come on in." della hummed, and poppy quickly greeted the redhead. "whats the most expensive wine you own, doing out?" lea questioned as she walked into the kitchen and della nodded. "cuz the world hates me as much as i hate myself." she murmured and lea frowned. "is it bad again?" she questioned her friend and della nodded, looking down as her lip quivered. "have you told mat?" lea questioned softly and della shook her had. lea quickly wrapped her arms around her friend, allowing her to cry. "if i-i tell him, he'll break up with me. nobody wants to date somebody that is sick. that's so mentally fucked u-up." della sobbed and lea shook her head. "della, that man loves you. just absolutely adores you babe. you dont need to tell him tonight but please at some point.." lea trailed off and della knew she had to. "i just need to prepare myself for the chance he does though, i have too." della said pulling back just a bit and lea nodded softly. "ofcourse babes." and della eyed the bark. but instead, grabbed the wine bottle and glass and headed towards her bedroom with lea following with another glass and poppy.

it was the next morning, and della had the absolute worst hungover she'd had in a long while. with no food in her system, her stomach was also in shambles. lea was sound asleep on mat's side of the bed with poppy sleeping at their feet. the wine bottle sat empty next to della's side with a half bottle of tequila wiped clean. della rubbed her temples before feeling her stomach begin to churn. she quickly headed over towards the ensemble washroom and chucked the liquid coming up. she heaved for a few seconds before laying down face first on the cool tile. she growled as her phone begin to ring once more, and as it finished it began to ring once more. "fucking mat, leave us alone." lea said as she woke up, declining the call.

mat grew nervous and a bit frustrated with the call going to voicemail once more, he'd been trying all night and now morning with no luck. sydney had said she left in a hurry to finish up some work and made it seem like she wanted to be alone. mat wouldn't bother her unless she said something to him, not wanting to get in the way of her rapid deadlines. he made his way out of his condo and drove to get some coffee and a breakfast sandwich for the girl before heading over to her place. if she wasn't going to pick up, he'd be going to her.

della walked downstairs with lea, carrying the glasses and alcohol bottles down with them. the bark lay uneaten on the counter, and della had the urge to grab the tin and stuff her mouth with as much as she could. she was fighting the urge to completely binge till her heart could content, and lea noticed. "ill keep this nice and cozy until you say something. ok?" lea said taking the tin and della sighed in content. "thanks." she mumbled, leaning over to feed poppy. "ill call you later, im gonna shower and see how far i last before i need to nap." della said hugging the redhead who nodded. "okay, let me know if you need anything. i mean it, you send the word and ill come running." she hummed and della giggled. "thanks lea." she said walking her to the front door, and as lea opened it she stopped frozen seeing the 6 foot hockey player at the door, his set of keys in his mouth as he tried to open the door. "morning barzal." lea said stepping across the threshold and past the tall dude. della did not say anything but open the door wider for him to enter. he stepped inside the warm house, pressing a kiss to her temple. and in doing so, noticed her under eye circles, her face looking gaunt and her eyes red and puffy. his eyebrows crinkled, as he set down the coffees and sandwiches on the table next to the door, concern flooding his entire body.

"della rae-" he said placing his hands softly on her pale cheeks, inspecting her from top to bottom. she'd lost weight, a good amount since the last time they had spent a substantial amount of time together; which was now almost a month ago. she shut her eyes not wanting to meet his questionable eye and worrying face. it was beginning to click for mat, and in the instant he realized, he pulled her in for a bone-crushing hug. fearing that if he let go, he'd lose her even more. she felt loose tears fall down her cheeks onto his shirt, and she let out a soft whimper. that only made him pull her in tighter. things were now clicking for him, why she was barely responding to his sister's text, why she was also not responding to his texts and phone calls like she once had. and finally, the suspicions that sydney had the previous evening, were correct. "im sorry matty." she whispered against his chest, and he pulled back just a bit to look at her. he shook his head as she looked up with fear written across her face. "im sorry im a mess...and that im sick. im so sorry." she said clenching her eyes shut whilst sniffling, with mat wiping her tears away. "never apologize della, don't apologize for this. it isn't your fault- at all. i promise you that." he said as she reopened her eyes. as guilt and hunger washed over her once more, she looked to the side and saw the coffees and then looked back at mat, "can i take those?" she mumbled and he nodded softly. "you don't ever have to ask, hun." he said as she stepped out of his arms and around him. she took the coffee and sandwich, holding them close to her chest and headed into the small living room that had a small library, fireplace, and a plush couch. mat followed suit with his and followed her into the room, sitting down next to her. but leaving just a bit of room between the two.

she stared at the sandwich bag, as she held the coffee straw near her lips wanting to fight the urge but knew she needed to eat. "i need help mat.." she said defeatedly as she stared at the bag. mat looked over with a worried look and demeanor, and took notice of the staredown she had with her coffee. he set his coffee down, and took her's as well, and placed it on the coffee table in front of them. he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest. she took in the familiar warmth that he had. "im sorry I've been distant recently...i just have been so consumed with it all and because of it i've been exhausted." she said softly and mat kissed the top of her head. "i noticed something was off..when we went to thanksgiving with your family. i sensed something was off because every time i tried...tried looking at you you would look away or at the ground. it hurt me. it made me feel like you were embarrassed or guilty of something and i-i should have noticed it. and im sorry, i didn't." he said biting the inside of his cheek, trying to not cry. della's heart broke hearing how much it hurt him that she was very distant at thanksgiving. she was hoping he wouldn't notice and chalk it up to the many conversations she had found herself engrossed in.

"i love you della rae... nothing is going to change that. no matter how complicated this may get." he said feeling her tense up somewhat at his confession. she nodded into his chest, feeling him tighten his arms around her.

christmas, new years and valentines had rolled around with anxiety and apprehension as della progressed through therapy. after christmas, mat took the week leading up to new years off to be there for della as well as all star break + by week. della was grateful to have him in the house as she returned to work and basked in his presence before he headed back on the road. when he left, sydney and some of the other girls took turns coming over and bringing her out whenever she could. she accredited a lot to those girls, and added them to her list of why she should strive for recovery.

it was now playoffs time, and for the first time in a long while she was excited to head to a home game. when sydney had let the girls know that the jackets were being ordered, she jumped at the opportunity to get one. mat's heart was all fuzzy and warm when she showed him it right before they headed out. she did a little twirl for him and a few poses, before they shared a kiss. "oh!" he said remembering to grab what he'd been saving for some time, and as della headed out to start the car; mat ran to go get it.

the two made their way down to the arena and as she was about to drop mat at the players entrance, he paused and pulled out a letter of sorts for della. "i uh..I've been keeping this for a while not sure when to give it and whatnot, but seeing you tonight and how excited you were to put on the jacket which i know is something that you've been insecure about in the past.." he trailed off pausing to place the letter in her hands. "im so incredibly proud of how far you've come in these short few months, and i just wanted to write something down. i wasn't even going to give it to you but tonight, i just have this feeling of immense pride della rae. but uh..yeah ill see you later. ok?" he said placing a peck on her cheek. she smiled, watching him open the door and hop out. "good luck hun." she smiled widely and as mat looked at her once more, he saw the genuine smile he'd missed dearly. he nodded before shutting the door and heading towards the entrance. she pulled off into the family and friends parking lot and stared down at the letter. her heart swelled, just thinking about what the contents of the letter were.

she pulled it open softly and carefully, as to not rip the letter. she smiled softly at the handwritten note and read it slowly. words of encouragement, words of pride, and love. words of sadness and words of commitment. she sniffled as she finished it, completely taken back by it. she knew mat had felt all of these things, but seeing it in writing made her heart swell. he loved her deeply and without hesitation. she got out of the car and headed towards the private entrance and once sydney saw her walk through the box's entrance, she jumped up and down. della smiled as the others all made their way over to greet her. "picture time!" one of the girls cheered and sydney pulled her friend with her towards a spot in the back. "lookin good sista." she hummed and della smiled widely. pictures were taken, food was consumed along with alcohol and the up's and down's of playoff hockey was experienced that evening.

as soon as she saw mat walking into the box, she smiled widely before he kissed her quickly. "great game, matty." she said looking up at him and he smiled widely. a hard effort was fought, with a win now accredited towards the islanders. "lets head home." he said and the two walked hand in hand towards the car. mat opened the passenger door for her, and she thanked him before he shut the door.

she saw the letter sticking out of her purse, and she turned towards at who buckled. "thankyou for the letter mat, you have now idea how much i appreciate it." she said leaning over the console, and he met her in the middle. "through thick and thin always, my love will never falter for you della rae." he spoke softly before kissing the girl passionately. she melted into the kiss, before pulling away. "lets get home, we've got a lot to celebrate." she hummed running a soft thumb over his cheek.

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no tags just because its a sensitive topic!

#mat barzal #mat barzal x oc #mat barzal blurb #mat barzal fic #new york islanders #nhl #hockey #nhl blurb #hockey blurb #nhl fic #hockey fic #hockey imagine #nhl imagine #mat Brazil imagine

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se1f · 4 months

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Hey, is your bunny anon 🐰! I have a question.

Didn't you feel ND as a journey back when you were still identified with the ilussion? Because i feel that way. I come from Loassumption and still have those thoughts of "oh, i had such a good mindset today, if i keep persisting i'll soon be realised" i know that steams from the ego, and it is not me, but still i view ND as a journey that i need to persist and make an effort to be realised, you guys say that realizing that is instant, but even when i am identifying with that and not the mind i soon relapse in the ego.

hi bunny anon!! im so sorry for getting to you so late, i have so many asks :( it's honestly my fault because i do not answer asks in chronological order- i apologize!!

i did actually feel as if the concept of ND was a journey- back when i kept thinking i was the illusionary body-mind. i think i wrote in one of my rambles that "realization" is instant. the only reason why we assume it isn't is because we take the illusions to be real over, and over again. when i stopped relying on the mind to feel satisfied or "realized" was when all the questions stopped. just basking in THAT. there is no need for you to persist or make an effort to "realize" anything, anon :) just know yourSelf, and disregard the illusionary body-mind's attempts to be confident in understanding. a good or bad mindset is the same in the way that they have no effect on THAT (unless you as THAT wishes it to be).

i hope you have a fantastic day or night, anon!!

#asks

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moonysfavoritetoast · 1 month

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i have to do i fucking presentation on my bad fucking henry ford essay (way too much info i already knew all that shit) and im not doing that shit fuck no because my goddamn voice is too high and people will laugh and fucking not shut up bc why is a girl called evan and and i cant even play my trumpet for a playing quiz what makes you think my fucking voice will work fucks sake im never going to need to know how to speak in front of a bunch of bitchy middle schoolers who will do nothing but laugh at my fucking appearance and voice i fucking hate school this shit is what made me relapse last time im going to fucking skip idc if i fucking fail i already am fuck you if you think im just okay with this dumbass shit

the suicide rates were so high yoiu put the fucking prevention hotline number on the back of every school issued id and you claim to want to help us then maybe make the goddamn curriculum more flexible i mean god fucking damn its like kids dont have fucking anxiety that nobody believes is real fuck off with your bullshit about caring about us you just want good test scores and good sports players shit like this is why i want to fucking kms

oh and god forbid i express these feelings in any way to trusted staff. they'll send me to counselling who will immediately call my parents which will get my phone taken because its obviously the goddamn phone making me feel this way. even if i tell them to not call my parents they will. and then my mom will go through my texts because shes worried about me and she'll cry and make me feel like shit when she was the one who started this. she'll find out everything. she'll take my binders away because i wear them too long and she'll never let me see friends again adn i'll be homeschooled again bc obviously school is too much.

she'll try to make me talk to her then she'll get mad and cry and yell when i try to say nothings wrong. she fucking hates me anyways. her backup child is fucking failing even though she was the firstborn. she knows her first daughter was the only chance she had at having a successful child because the other one has a shitty attention span and cant fucking spell anything. her baby girl is a fucking failure and she cant fucking accept im not her fucking baby girl anymore.

clearly i dont know what tired feels like. i sleep so much, why am i still tired? must be faking it. i dont know what depression is and i dont know what pain is. i dont know what anxiety is because i just want attention. she cant fucking accept the fact i'm clearly not neurotypical because i fucking have to be or she'll lose all goddamn hope she doesnt have for me.

nobody thinks somethings wrong and i fucking hate it. im the liar because "youre always so happy"

why would someone my age want to die?

fuck off.

#ohhhkay got a bit heated sorry #tw sh mention #tw relapse mention #tw suicide mention #sorry for that /gen #evan’s rambles #that fuck off isnt directed at anyone.

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romanarose · 1 year

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Ive seen TF boys on your page and I wanted to know you thoughts on how the moonboys would comfort and help a bulimic reader?

Hi love! Happy to give you come HC's for this <3

My inbox is currently closed as im working through old requests/ working on writing fics, but I wanted to do this one bc its a very important subject to my heart, with how bad my bulimia permanently destroyed my disgestive system and teeth

Moon Boys with a Bulimic reader

Warnings: Bulimia, vomit, food restriction, binging and purging NSFW refernces (bc its jake)

Steven Grant

He had to stay late tonight at work, some of his students were a little lost on the subject matter, so he held a study session before finals to allow everyone a chance to clarify. He had felt bad for missing dinner, of course, but he brought cake back as an apology

When you didn't answer, he saw the bathroom door was closed, and just figured you were in there bathing as you often did after diner

when he comes to the door to say hello and let you know there's cake, he hears you crying, and quickly opens the door, knowing your history with mental health problems and worrying you hurt yourself or were going to. He saw you crying against the wall, not even looking at him, and saw remnants of throw up in the toilet that hadn't all gone down with the first flush, he initially thought you were sick

"oh darling, here, let's get you to bed. Is it your stomach-" He paused as he saw your hand, red and scratched knuckles covered in throw up. Oh.

"I'm sorry" you cry "I'm fucking gross"

"No, no darling, you're not, here" Steven gets a wet towel and gently cleans your face and hands, as well as any mess you might have made. He washed his hands, then went to scoop you up. "C'mere love, lets rest, yeah?" And carried you over to the bed, not mentioning the cake he brought. Laying you down with a blanket and your favorite stuffed animal, he brought you water and asked you to drink it, knowing how purges dehydrate. He had read every book he could find on eating disorders, the health effects and treatment. He knew your addictive personality made things worse, harder to break out of habits.

"How long had this been going on again?" he asked

"Today was the first relapse" you answered, but he gave you a look like he didn't believe you "I swear! That's why I was crying... all the progress went to waste" You lip quivers trying to get the last few words out

Steven sits down with you, holding you tight, assuring you that this didn't detract from your progress, that progress isn't linear, and you are still his strong, beautiful girl.

He holds you tight that night, they two of you whispering with the sheets pulled over your head like children staying up too late at a sleep over, whispering about how much you loved each other

Will keep a careful eye on you, and definitely takes over the cooking to make you nutritious food, oh you want to help! Even better, love

Marc Spector

When you first approached Marc about going to the gym with him, he was elated! He was so excited about showing you around, teaching you how to use equipment, and of course spending more time with you!

So you started going with him every time he went, he even bought you cute workout clothes. That might have been a bit selfish on his part. He like checking you out, and he liked the way men stared at you, until they realized you were with him. The caveman part of his brain loved posturing, and he especially loved how you only ever had eyes for him, no matter the stronger, fitter men and women there.

Then you got really into it. Marc thought this was a bit odd, but was happy to spend the time training you.

First warning sign was when you started drinking protein shakes in lieu of breakfast. Not the end of the world, you were never a huge breakfast person. But when you stopped eating lunch in favor of the shakes, he confronted you. You insisted they were just easier, and tasted so good, you just preferred it.

Then there was the day he had to take you home early from the gym because you weighed yourself and found you hadn't lost weight, and you began crying, no matter how much he tried to explain that you were gaining muscle, which is denser than fat, and he was so proud of you for how much you could lift now!

You stuck to the treadmill and elliptical from then on, which Marc hated. He'd run with you for a bit, but then opted to do weights. although he stayed nearby in case anyone caused you problems, he missed working with you. He couldn't even really focus, watching you strain yourself and look miserable

The last straw was when he went to bring you water, and you refused to stop or slow down. In the middle of a argument while you ran, he watched your eyes go blank. Thinking quickly, he pressed the emergency button and caught you as you fell, the treadmill only managed to give a few rug burns on your legs and knees.

When you came to in his arms, you were greeted by his angelic face insisting you drink the water he had. He spoke soft, but obviously very distressed. He asked you how long it had been since you'd eaten. The frown on his face was deep as you watched his eyes start to tear up.

"Don't cry, please" you ask.

"You really scared me" He smiled at you.

Marc drove you insane after that. "did you eat today?" "what did you have?" "did you eat all of it?" this man did not know the meaning of sublty

He babied, and I mean babied the shit out of you

Fucker wouldn't even let you ride him

You gotta sit this man down and tell him to knock it off or you're gonna scream

You make a deal. You start going to counseling, he has to start taking you to the gym again (he wouldn't let you go alone, that's fir sure)

He agrees. You focus back on the weights, less on weight loss. (marc took the scale out of the house. You may or may no have found it shattered in the dumpster when you took the trash out. Marc has beef with all scales now.)

You enjoy the weights, you enjoy feeling strong, and you definitely enjoy using it to bring out Marc’s subby side

Jake Lockley

It's hard not to feel sexy with this man

The pet names and compliments are none stop. You've began to wonder if he forgot your actual name.

During sex, he takes the term body worship to a new level. This man's mouth and hands are e v e r y w h e r e

Why are his hand's all over your arms? Why is he kissing your calves when he's got your feet over his shoulders? Why does he suck hickies between your thighs? Why does he bite and squeeze your hip dip? you'll never know, but you love it

But you and him both know that sometimes, eating problems aren't about body image, but about control, and compulsions. And a little bit of body image because fuck, who doesn't struggle with that sometimes?

When he sees the warning signs, you hiding your body from him, not wanting to eat with him, generally being distant again, he always asks. He doesn't come on as intense as Marc with his protectiveness, but he will mentally keep track of your eating, and try to coax you into eating something if he see's you sipping meals. He has deficiently taken your car keys once, not because he was trying to keep you home, but because he didn't think you were safe to drive the busy streets.

Buys you literally anything he thinks might help. If its not about your body necessarily, he'll get you whatever you think might help you feel in control. Wanna craft? He'll build you a shelf and buy you all the fucking yarn in the world. Wana have a lil world you can control? Every sims pack you can imagine. Cat? Plants? A lizard? Fuck it, yeah, he'll buy you a lizard. Coolest lizard ever. He'll take lil charizard on a walk with you if thats what you want

All the boys

You're getting vitamins

And water!!! If you're throwing up, you're going to at least stay hydrated.

Bathroom lock is either taken out, or there's a spare key. Not out of control, no, they know you'll find a way to do it if you really want to, but in case of emergency

Will encourage therapy and medication, if you think it's right for you, maybe at least to try for a bit?

Never, ever, shame you for how you feel or act. You can tell them if you are having urges, need a distraction.

Steven and Jake make sure to keep Marc's protective nature in check, to make sure you aren't deterred from talking to them.

constantly shower you in praise and love and compliments

Always always always tell you how proud they are of you, even if you relapse, bc look how well you were doing! That means you can absolutely do it again!

I hope this was nice! I really love these 3 and I feel they would all be so supportive (even if marc might be a lil much sometimes XD It's okay, we love him <3 )

not tagging anyone today, but please be sure to comment/reblog if you liked this!

#steven grant #steven grant x reader #marc spector #marc spector x reader #jake lockley #jake lockley x reader #moon knight #moon knight thoughts #tw: eating disorder #tw: bulimia

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transboysokka · 8 months

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Skinny Culture in East Asia is super wild like everyone is model-thin and it might be bc of genetics and it might be bc of pressure (i know some women especially who have some pretty unhealthy habits) but like when i first moved to china from the us (where i'd been considered skinny my whole life) people would just straight up come up to me and tell me i was fat (it's supposedly not considered rude to do) so ive been dealing with that for years and years now...

but anyway over the last few years i really did gain a bit of weight as part of my ED (it seems counterintuitive but basically arfid combined with anorexia messed me up like i hardly ate anything but when i DID it was like "comfort foods" to me so basically sweets... but when u starve urself and finally have the chance to eat something youre gonna gorge urself on it, even if its cake...)

ANYWAY the first time it got Terribly Worse a few months ago and i just didn't eat anything at all for a long time i obviously lost a bunch of weight and i got some comments about it and i was like 'damn i kind of like this'

and then in recovery starting to eat like real normal food again i lost more weight woohoo but that naturally plateaued

BUT in this latest relapse i apparently lost EVEN MORE weight to the point that im getting like MORE comments up to 'wow its such a fast and dramatic change, tell me your secret!' and i obviously cant say 'well just dont eat anything for a week at a time!'

but my problem is.... i love this, it feels good, im... more motivated than ever to Keep It Up (It being the Bad Things) to lose more weight and... Oh No because for me this was never about body image or weight until it has gradually BECOME that in just the last few months and now i feel like this is going to be even harder to beat

I'm already thinking about how I had a great week this week and had three meals a day (my goal) most days but now ill be on vacation again and im already sort of planning like 'okay i guess i dont need to eat anything on these days' and its TERRIBLE

#tian talks #but yeah ive done really good this week so theres the silver lining #im rambling but also tips and advice would be good?#ed recovery /#ed mention /#disordered eating /

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thediaryofa20somethinggirl · 13 days

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week one

week one of i don't even know. i just want to write.

the week started with a two-day fast; a cleansing of my stomach as i thought she was swollen. my binge eating disorder is slowly taking more and more control over me; before bed snacks of oatmeal and dried tart cherries, empanadas, eggs with hot sauce, and multiple oatmeal raisin cookies. i then wake up with a stomach almost triple its normal size. to make me feel better i pretend im pregnant. i give her a name, and i tell myself to be strong for her. i then kill her with three laxatives, three digestive enzymes, and three pills of apple cider vinegar - making my stomach feel cold, shitting her out the next day. i told myself that monday would be the last binge. i relapsed both thursday and friday this week. we will try again tomorrow, saturday, and i will win and loose weight and regain control. guilt and regret isn't productive. im too focused on getting better, to spend an unreasobale amount of time umination on how much of a shit person i am. its the only option. tomorrow starts the goal of daily exersize, besides being at work. i am delaring my success now.

family came to visit this week, from Monday morning to Thursday morning. family i havent seen in almost 4 years. family i haven't talked to in 5. family that my mom resented, even till the day she died. i wonder if those feeling have changed.

one thing my mom taught me, was that change is work but growing is work too. if you want to grow with someone, and make something out of the relationship you have with eachother, you need to not only be able to be vulerable and talk about hard and uncomfotable things. you have to be willing to change: for yourself ALWAYS for yourself, grow for others, change for you. i need to change for myself, be more vulerable with myself, and work through hard things - not numb myself with drugs and sex. not distract myself with work. no more waiting for tomorrow. i’m changing today, im changed right now and i am going to act as if i already have. oprah taught me that life is filled with good and bad. the two can't exist without eachother. the perfect pair, the most effortless way of being perfect pair.

i’m realizing that this is life; periods of good and bad. maybe this is just that bad part, the part that is needed to give me perspective understanding. as much as dealing with what i’m dealing with has been extremely isolating and exhausting, it’s offered me perspective, depth. i know things that people who’d through hard things only know. i wake up with a different sense of awareness and go to bed that much more full. im holding onto the idea that the good part will be coming later, hopefully soon. i’m the one who decided what’s next.

that’s what’s stressed me out the most this week; thinking about what’s next. i need my mom; not only to help me get over her passing, but to help guide me. to give a sense of belief in myself. selfishly, if i needed a boost of ego, i could ask stupid questions and fish my mom. most of the time i just have to stalk her facebook to remember who the fuck i am. also reminder that i’m HER daughter, and that is more worth than i need. i taking pleasure in the study of how similar our faces resemble our blood relation. looking at photos of her at my age now, making me giddy at the naive thought of us being twins. hoping that this innate obsession of our mother daughter friendship warrants our existence in our past lives, with promise for reunion in the next one. oh, please wait for me!

i keep picturing myself, interviewing with Oprah talking about the hit release of my first-ever book; the motivations behind it, and hopes for the future. how i create my art for me and only, being completely selfish with it. however, throughout this interview, i have no idea what the book it is that i wrote. that’s my goal; to write a book. but i have to start with the idea. let’s make that the goal for next week.

the more you lead with love the more love will follow.

the mantra of the week, the thing i keep telling myself to overcome any anger i have toward anyone - to be at peace with maybe just meeting you at wherever the fuck your at - and not taking anything personal. protecting my peace and not giving u the power of my anger.

however, i avoided my family as they visited; refusing to cause confrontation as my filter is broken and needs constant fixing, charging. and since my mom died - that filter has been gathering dust in the corner. i simply don't give a fuck. and i felt that in my bones, the pure social sphere of having a stranger in my house only 3 weeks after my mother died, loosens my tounge and hungers my asshole to begin to eat my underwear. acting on emotion rather than logic, and avoidance is my way of still digesting these angry and tense emotions. fiercely defending till the end. i dont fuck with sweeping things underneath the rug.

so how did i stay away, and avoid? i spent my time working, and when i wasn't working i was attempting english homework, that i have still yet to finish. Saturday, i keep telling myself, Saturday is when I finish. i'll keep you updated. since i haven't finished, i was procrastiating my time, putting it elsewere; filling three hefty trash bags full of colored clothing - only to be replaced will an all black wardrobe with few white, grey and navy accents. i want to feel chic again. i want to feel myself again. i wonder what i'll wear tomorrow.

i spent my day off deep cleaning, and getting my eyebrows done which also are installing small pulses of i don’t give ANY fucks energy throughout my face and walk. my eyebrows are bushy but clean, and i am unstoppable.

today at work, i decided to wear an oversized dad sweater, that houses a mid-size picture of a beautiful garden; greenery with accents of white birdhouses and benches as characters in the scene. it made me feel a sense of humidity, a strange feeling which motivated me to support the 99c purchase. the oversized dad sweater that housed a photo of a humid garden accessorised with two nods of praise; one from a boy who i can only describe as the purest man of florida; small calfs followed by the thunderous suprise of thick thighs - a solid lap to sit on. his legs were dressed with mid thigh athetic shorts, making his thighs appear hairless and even more thick than expected. because of small his calfs looked. he wore a plan black t shirt, allowing his pecks to make an indentation to were the shirt falls. his feet were exposed - something common in florida, something every proud floridian embraces; the ability to be walking almost barefoot. something that i rarely do, almost never, even at the beach - as my feet may not be ugly but crave the dressing of an 80's chucky socks followed by a chunky sneaker. his feet were dressed in a clean, almost new looking of black unrecogonizable sldies. clean enough to be expesniive looking, but plain enough to be bought at the dollar store. a physical representation of things that cost money don't always mean they are better. "sometimes things that are expsive are worse." his toes were clean however, inspected for judgement rather than enjoyment, giving the impression that he puts effort into his heigne; a signal to flirt.

when he made his way to the cash register, i didn't allow the anxiety of his attractivesness show; keeping my voice calm not letting myself rush, embracing the akward silence of the slow register in the store, and no desire to talk. we locked eyes multiple times; him showcasing to me piercing blue eyes that look even more piercing, on the backslash of his sunkissed skin - another florida staple. almost like makeup. a handsome face, a manly face, i thought. the only thing that i didn't get to perceive was his hair - mainly as it was covered with a black bass pro baseball cap. something that reminded me of my grandpa; large and flat brimmed. i couldn't tell if his compliment was a sign of flirting or just being nice. maybe he just wanted to fill the silence of my lackluster desire for conversation. maybe he just said it to say it. i will never know, and i have to move the fuck on.

the second compliment also came at the cash register; this time from a girl. flirting with girls is something, i really never do. i tend to get more intimidated in the sense of my questioning if a woman could ever be attracted to a girl like me. i don't and didn't allow that thought to win this time, especially coming off of florida mans encounter.

shes a regular, seeing her only days before. her style consdiently mirrored that her florida man co star; housing her body in all black, giving emphasis of her silver butterfly knecklace that rests perfectly in the center of her chest - making me think of my tattoo. making me feel warm in my cheeks, and itchy in my toes.

her smile was clean, something i could suck on and feel refreshed; a crystal clean glass of iceless cool water. eye contact lingered, and i couldn't tell if she was flirty. the words ill see ya next time are now an obsession; playing on repated for the whole night, even now as I type the reencounter of our meeting.

that was the most interesting thing that happened at work today. that and we almost caught a woman stealing; a young white woman with a puppy named Chanel and a doggy stroller. her face reminded me of Amanda Bines, in the snese that it was the canvas for a small heart tattoo that also sits under the left eye. she was nice to me, especally as i tried to help her finds books. i could tell she was trying to steal, which made me second guess the genuineness of our conversation; trying to take advantage of the fact that i am nice. i really gave her the benefit of the doubt, until she lost her wallet last minute; leaving $350 worth of business and self help books on hold for tomorrow at 11am. my shift starts at that time. ill let you know if i see her again. i really hope to.

well that’s it for this week, for now. my goals? get my homework in and be caught up. go a whole week without cutting myself. to go a whole week without binge eating.

mattea

#diary #dear diary

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schizonarcc · 19 days

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hyperreflectivity time induced too many emotions in me its time to Disappear from my own mind lol bye guys see you next decade

Locaal schizo feels emotions fucking dies implodes explodes. Me feeling emotionit's like drugs i did it a little too much so it's time to end the world forever now (not in an overdose way but in a super bad almost overdose way)

Whoaoaaaaaaa i'm dropping my mind on the floor again holy shit guys help i just droppe dmy brain can someone pick it up for me it's like liquid icna feel it sloshing around. I feel giggly ???? I dont know i dont feel giggly i just feel like i need to put filler words in

What was i talking about oh right being unable to emotion without imploding well i think that causes too much emotion to think about too so i 'm just oging to think about. Omega rio!!! I love omega rio :) i'm very stable guys

Pleas do not usbject me to emotions again!!! It kind of fhurts did u ever think about that it hurts me ur stepping on me and it hurts pleas stop (i am constantly streaming out words to relieve the pressure in my brain from emotions because usually the pressure is releieved by me cutting mysel and i dont want to relapse rn if i relapsed thatd be really sad)

Dedededededede i am functional ddededededede lalallaa im a functional memer of society and i do NOT need to constantly outlet everything i ever feel to prevent myself from cutting myself hahaha i do all my work and i get 90s and i love my friends and i experience happiness all the tieme !!!!! I'm healthy !!! Look at how healthy I am!!! I am diagnosed with healthy and functional member of society disorder!!!!

What would happen if everyone left front? i don't think that's possible lana no i think it definitely is if you can have eveyrone in front you can have nobody in front. You can't have everyone in front though we fucking fall apart at three lol. no but like when you actively enter headspace who's inf ront??? Well i can only do that when i meditate? This isnt a good discussiont o be having either i'd think if 'no one is in front' then somebody we just dont know about is in front (and that would cause a lot of amnesia probably

I don't knwo where i am going twith this i just feel so much pressure i feel the pressure it's pushing odwn on my head and i want to disappear i feel like i'm under a hydraulic press please let me go. it's not going away why isn't it fucking going away please ???????? Pressurerelieve talk fuckspeech try outlet outlet outlet go away go away get out of my head disappear cry destroy fuckfuckfuckfuck vomitspeech workhappen't happen quick happen quick h appenstance happen

please go away i tdont know how to deal with u i dont WANT TO DEAL WITH U i want u to leave me alone and i want u to disappear i dont want to cut myself again it scares me it hurts i dont LIKE IT i forced you to do it because i cant do it myself but i sawno other way to escape these feelings and now it's happening again and now that we're one neither one of us want to do that behavior anymore because it's so so so scary and hurtful to ourselves and everyone in the system and everyone around us and i don't want people to be disappointed in us again and i don't want people to ask why did you relapse i don't want them to care i don't want to be reminded i have a body i don't want to split please don't come apart please stay together pleae stay together

I seriously need to step away and go relax in bed because if i don't i feel like i'm going to undo the fusion i worked so fucking hard to create so please excuse me leaving now

#gray.html #lana.html #Dissociaciaciaciation #Meowww #kaki

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foreverinadais · 2 years

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I’m in love with your blog and I want to ask another HC 😭 something with eating disorder recovery, ive recently had a relapse and im back on track but I had to do it alone and I would love some support. It doesn’t have to be super dramatic or graffic I’d just like some comfort 😭😭😭

Thank you for the kind words and the request! I'm so proud of you for getting back on track, and i hope this provides you with any comfort that will help ❤️

TW: themes of ED's- nothing specific or explicit, more in relation to the request itself, sensitive topic, comfort

~~~

“Hey, lovie,” Steven’s voice broke you from your thoughts, a soft contrast to the demons rising in your head.

“Oh, hi!” Too enthusiastic. It was getting harder to pretend you were okay. Especially to the others. But you wouldn’t tell them it was getting bad again, you couldn’t.

And you didn’t have too.

He could see it in your eyes, that slight blur that wasn’t quite you. He could sense it in your tone, an ounce to loud, to cheery. He knew. Steven could practically read the voices in your head better than you could yourself; they all could.

Rather than saying anything, Steven came over to where you were sat on the sofa, placing a kiss to your forehead. You offered a smile which didn’t reach your eyes. It was getting harder to pretend, harder to keep the overpowering thoughts down. “Y/n,” his voice broke through the silence, and suddenly, he was crouched in front of you, taking your hands in his own. “You don’t have to do this alone, yeah? And you don’t have to pretend to be alright when you aren’t.”

You sighed, going to bullshit an answer when the emotions overtook you. Steven didn’t waste a second as he sat next to you, taking you into his arms, stroking your back comfortingly. “Oh, darling, I’m here, ‘s alright, let it all out, there ya go.”

“I don’t want to burden you.” You got through sobs, clutching onto the back of his jacket. Steven tutted, pulling you back slightly to look in your eyes, stroking every inch of your face with his hands.

“Don’t be silly. You could never do that, it’s simply impossible. I’m here to help, whatever way that is. Even if that’s just sitting in a corner and grinning like a fool in love.” You chuckled, closing your eyes slightly and resting your forehead against his own.

“Thank you, Steven.” You whispered, and he didn’t need anything more, didn’t need you to suddenly be okay, didn’t need a huge display of love.

He knew all that you had gone through. He knew your scars, the journey that created them- and he vowed to always protect you. Of course, he couldn’t protect you against your own brain, your thoughts, your internal battles. But he would be there for you, hand outstretched.

He couldn’t stop the storm, but he could be the umbrella, holding you through it as if that was his sole purpose in life.

“Now, it’s a wonderful day out. Why don’t we go for a walk? Take some bread, feed the ducks? Of course, we can do anything you want, up to you, my love.” You nodded, reaching out a hand to squeeze his.

“That sounds lovely.” Steve brought your hand to his lips, placing a kiss on the palm, then each of your fingers, making you chuckle.

“And if and when you’re ready, we can try again, yeah?” You smiled at him, feeling a new sense of strength at his words, his comfort.

You knew the journey was long and hard. You knew there would be ups and downs. There always was. But you also knew you had him, them, all of them. And they loved you for all that you were, listened to all you had faced.

And whilst they couldn’t take that away, they would always hold your hand, stand with you in the face of adversity, always ready to catch you when you were falling. And in their words, you felt comfort. In their arms, you felt safe. And you knew that you would be strong enough again, like you also were, with them, forever.

#stevengrant #steven grant x reader #steven grant fluff #moon knight fanfic #moon knight imagine

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potentially-a-poser · 2 months

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I have such bad imposter syndrome. I met with my school’s therapist and at one point she said “yeah I just hold out hope that one day your parents will wake up as be like omg look at this awesome child we have” and I was immediately just slammed with a wave of guilt like “oh my god I’ve mislead her”.

In my head I know that I’ve never lied to her, and the only time I’ve ever not told the absolute truth is when I’ve told her about getting bullied and she asks who it was (I may be a lot of things but I’m not a snitch), or if I’ve relapsed and don’t think it was bad enough she needs to know

I got into an argument with a friend a while ago and I was telling her about it and I didn’t show her the texts but I was telling her what happened in a way that is objective as I can because I feel really bad about what I said but Im also upset about being insulted.

At one point she said “you’ve told me you were a bad person in the scenario more than you’ve told me what happened.” And after I’d finished telling her what happened she was like “I mean yeah you were rude but you have every right to be upset.” But now I’ve convinced myself I skewed the story and I’m manipulating her so that she validates me

When I got committed to a psych ward 2 years ago, before I got diagnosed with any of the depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, adhd, any of that, the psychiatrist said “you have imposter syndrome”. I’ve had another psychiatrist and 2 therapists tell me I have imposter syndrome.

I can’t tell whether I’m an actual manipulative narcissist or I’m narcissistic for thinking I could manipulate every mental health professional I’ve come in contact with. I don’t think I could trick 2 phd holding psychiatrists and five or six therapists all of who went to school for 6+ years , as well as being able to trick all my teachers into giving me good grades and college acceptance boards into letting me in, but again I feel like that’s something someone who could do that would say

Even reading back what I’ve written here it seems to me like what someone trying to manipulate people would say. I know I’m not consciously trying to manipulate people, the only time I’ve ever done that is when I was waiting tables and I was god awful at it. But again that last sentence sounds like what someone trying to manipulate ppl into thinking they can’t manipulate ppl.

I don’t know I’m just digging myself a deeper hole in my head. I feel like I’ve tricked everyone into thinking I’m a good person, or I’m smart, or I’m a hard worker.

If anyone knows what to do it would be great. The more I think about it the more confused I am

#mental health #I’ve felt guilty since I was 11 #am i a bad person #mental illness #actually mentally ill #imposter syndrome #advice #manipulation #mental heath support #mentally unstable #help my sanity #send help #manipulative #narcissistic

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yourpalghost · 3 months

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Sorry im chatty this morning but

Yall sometimes

Sometimes its SO hard to accept that I’m sick.

Like, I know a lot of it is shame and what not. Most of it is. Some of the problem is imposter syndrome and stuff of the likes. Downplaying my own issues, thinking im doing it for attention, etc.

Like. Im not important enough to be sick. I SHOULD be able to do XYZ. Oh its not THAT bad, people have it worse. Does that REALLY hurt or are you just faking? Afterall, thats also just normal.

So like, I have chronic fatigue so i’m always tired and since my baseline moved, i don’t notice how tired i am until its even worse and sometimes the worse isnt an extra sleepy feeling, its my body feeling heavy, brain fog, and often times being more prone to crying (i call this the sleepy weepies).

I have a connective tissue problems which lead to constant pain so my baseline moved so I don’t notice the pain until it gets worse but sometimes the “getting worse” is just feeling like im gonna vomit for no clear reason, feeling dizzy, or sweating all of a sudden(also brain fog but I usually attribute that to the fatigue). (Not to even mention the literal excruciating periods I have that literally leave me shaking and in so much extra pain Im regularly on the verge of blacking out AND STILL GO ABOUT LIFE. Thats its own additional bullshit)

And these two things are going on together at all times

Those questionnaires that are like “where is your base level of pain”? I cant answer them because the pains so constant my brains blocked it out so its at a zero. Its like how your brain blocks out your nose or the sound of your heart beat in your ears. How it sometimes blocks out the feeling of certain things against your skin and just registers it as pressure.

My finger is fucking shattered right now(its healing up well) but like aside from the initial SURPRISE of getting it fucking crushed, it “doesnt hurt”. Because i regularly experience worse pain than BREAKING A FUCKING BONE. The pain is at zero but i feel sick. If someone else who wasn’t an experiencer of chronic pain jumped in my body, they would be on the ground in agony. And like I know im IN pain because painkillers when I do use them jusy dull itfrom distracting to noticeable unless im fortunate enough to have been granted the big boy pain meds that make you silly. That shit? Works. When it wears off, my whole body aches and hurts and it sucks.

AND WHILE ALL OF THIS IS TRUE, I STILL FEEL LIKE IM NOT SICK ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDERED SICK.

I hurt all the time and im so fucking tired all the time but I just keep going because “its not that bad” and while I need various aids (knee braces, wrist braces, honestly a chair or scooter, migraine glasses, and more) I just dont use them or cant justify getting them.

God the way that a mobility aid would improve my quality of life is astounding and I recognize thats enough of a reason to then say “then I need it”, brain also wont let me! Because idk man? I just gotta “push through”.

I started this forlorn and now im mad. Mad at me and my situation and everything really. Im so fucking tired and in lots of pain and I just wish it didnt suck so hard. I just wish i wouldn’t push myself. Yall I have to have other people tell me “you dont want to go to the store, you want to go for a walk” so I dont push myself to be productive on my days off. I had to convince myself to stay home from classes today instead of pushing myself through it to then have to recover wednesday and not vane enough time to recover and then push myself through thursday and then have to push myself all the way back through again to start the damn cycle over next week.

Im working on accepting that im sick and its hard and we all have days where we relapse into “no im not im just xyz” but gdi. Im sick im sick im sick. I am disabled, my shits debilitating, its chronic im sick IM SICK I AM SICK

#ghost chatter #air vent rattling #vent #sick #chronic illness #chronic pain

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 2 years

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hi. can i share something. its pretty personal...its sad but also a message of hope.

so. ive been freaking out rly bad about attending this bladee show tomorrow, august 6th. the real reason for this is not just my ocd and social anxiety but also.. last year on august 6th my really good friend died. they were going by the name saint at the time. i only knew them online but we were extremely close since around 2014. we would talk often, and in-depth, bcus we both had extensive interest in metaphysics, god, angels, etc. and we both had dead parents, specifically dead from illness, so we rly deeply related to each other on those matters. they were like 9 years older than me, so i looked up to them as an older sibling. it absolutely shattered my heart when i found out they died because i know it was an accident. i think they OD’d on fentanyl cus they had been posting about relapsing shortly b4 they died. but i dont know for sure, there’s no obituary for them since they don’t have parents or family. i have cried about it every day for a year.

when i saw what day the bladee show was, i felt a million feelings at once, like, oh my god, is this some kind of orchestrated angel event? saint had the most unwavering faith, they believed in angels more than anyone ive ever met, there was no doubt in their mind. we would talk about our synchronicities constantly. it was our fav thing to discuss. they were so validating of my experiences. so in a way, i rly feel like, their angel is escorting me to this show as some sort of gift for making it thru the past year. ive been going thru my saturn return on top of grieving their death, and idk, its just been one of the worst times in my life, ive never been closer to giving up. the timing of this show rly makes me feel like saint is blessing me. bladee, saint and I are all life path 9s who r obsessed w metaphysics n spirituality, which adds to the meaning of this synchronicity for me.

the reason ive been so terrified to attend the show is because i keep having ocd freakouts that someone is going to die or that, like, this date is evil and tainted or soemthing. like literally to the point that ive spent a few entire days this past week just crying in my bed because im so terrified of losing anyone else in my life. but as the show gets closer, i am realizing i just need to trust god and believe that im allowed to enjoy myself. believe that saint’s angel is protecting me and my loved ones, just like they have every day for the past year. they have sent me so many signs, and ive known a lot of dead people but never have i received so many obvious signs from anyone, even my own father. it makes me wonder if saint graduated the rebirth cycle, since they were a 9, and they brought so much goodness to this world. i think they graduated and are now a very powerful angel forever.

its been so hard to go on without them. they were my grief councellor fr. there were some years of my life where they were one of the only people i talked to because no one else could understand. they loved POSTING, we met on tumblr and they were always so supportive of the way i express myself. after they died was when i started drawing and posting on here again bcus i knew i had to honor them this way. i cant put into words how much their friendship impacted me and i wish i could do more, i wish i cld plaster their face onto every wall and scream from the rooftops “THATS MY FRIEND AND I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!”. god i am going to cry so much at the bladee show, i know they’ll b rite there on my shoulder the whole time.

if u read all this, thank you. it weighs on me massively n i try not to show it too much online but man. i have been a mess. n sometimes i just wanna spill my guts. i cld say so so much more about my dear friend but i’ll leave it at this for now. im praying that the show goes well tomorrow and everyone makes it there safely. if u guys cld pray for me too id rly appreciate. i rly feel like saint is with me and im allowed to have hope now. i love you saint. thankyou for posting so much so i have plenty to look back on. <3

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urlocalmentallyunstablegal · 8 months

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long rant incoming, i’ll be talking abt therapy, ed relapse mainly (i may get side tracked lol) really just talking to myself publicly.

so, my therapist is taking a break and i haven’t seen her since last month. she told me to text her if i need support or if i’m in crisis but we all know i’m not gonna do it bc i don’t wanna bother her. last month i managed to reach 3 months without counting calories and stepping on the scale. honestly i was so proud of myself for this. ofc i gained weight but i was finally healthier, i was not just a shell of a human being. i was actually alive. but since i stopped restricting my anxiety become terrible to the point where i can’t go out by myself without headphones. i started getting more frequent panic attacks (which are honestly both physically and mentally draining). i feel like im trapped in a cycle - i manage my depression and anxiety, then i relapse in my ed, i work on my ed, my anxiety gets worse, i use all kinds of relief techniques, nothing helps, so i relapse again to numb my emotions. the day of my last therapy session i had to go to my hometown bc we had to do some renovations for the apartment we’re giving out for rent. we had to stay in a family friend’s house. i love her but she’s just so insensitive to me and my struggles. like she’d constantly say things like “oh your hygiene is terrible” “oh are you really eating this”. of course she had to make comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight, she also asked what happened with the diets i was doing. while we were there we met with my dad’s aunt and she also made comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight. and the thing is i was having pretty bad time with my body without all these comments from my relatives. i genuinely felt so uncomfortable about the weight gain. the day after we got back home i relapsed. i’m counting calories again, i’m avoiding high cal foods, fear foods start to appear again. i was in denial about my relapse but now i have to admit it - i’m relapsing and i hate myself even more. i genuinely feel like i’m such a failure. i’ve spent over 2 years in therapy and it’s all the same cycle over and over. i’m forever grateful for my current therapist bc she saved me from the darkest times of my life. i was actively suicidal and she was the only one who agreed to work with me despite my resistance to get better. i don’t remember much of this time period but she has told me that she was worrying about me in between sessions and every time i was 5 mins late she thought of the worse situation possible. anyways. now i just feel like i’m wasting my time and her time. what am i even doing? will things ever get better? and the thing is i want to recover at some point. this lifestyle is not sustainable. the health complications are not a joke. i’ve ruined so many relationships bc of my mental illness. i’m missing out on so many things. but i’m just terrified of letting it all go. i can’t deal with the weight gain. i can’t deal with all the emotions. what’s the point of even trying to recover when i’ll always end up in the exact same shitty situation?

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eddieboi23 · 2 years

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Dont hide

Courtney x anxious!sad!GN Reader (Dead End Paranormal park)

Summary: reader is dealing with anxiety and self harm and they relapse. But Courtney is herself and accidentally pulls they’re sleeve up a bit too high.

(Reader lives in the park, they were kicked out for coming out as bi) (reader is 18 of older) (I use she/they pronouns for Courtney)————————————————————

Tw: self harm mentions(descriptive um, bad stuff, especially in the beginning), depressing thoughts, cussing

(Y/n)=your name

-this is thoughts-

Requested by: @broimjustadepressedlesbian

————————————————————

Your pov:

You had just finished slicing up your arms, and are now cleaning them in the dusty ass bathroom, of the room you chose.

“-I’m so pathetic.-“ you thought. “-maybe they were right to have kicked me out, I can’t even function as a REGULAR person-“

You sigh and wrap your arms messily with gauze wrap, and walk back into your room. “-thank god the room and bathroom are connected.-“

You stare at the door.

“-I should go hang out with the others right? What if I don’t? they will ask what I’m doing….or maybe they don’t care? They might just make fun of me! What if they-“

Your snapped out of your thoughts by a loud, obnoxious knock. You knew that knock. It was Courtney. Aka the demon you fell head over heals in love with.

You panic, as you hadn’t covered yourself yet.

“HURRY UP MORTAL OR IM COMING INNNN.” Courtney shouts through the door.

You then hear the door knob shake. She was trying to get in, luckily you had locked the door.

Courtney let’s out a long whine. “Mortalllll don’t you TRUST me?! Why is it locked!”

You hear them whine again, then puts their entire body weight on the door. “I can teleport yah know mortal! Don’t make me!”

“Courtney! WAiT iM getTING DReSsed!”

You rush over to your closet ,and pull out an oversized black hoodie with the print “I’m BI myself” on it, then slip it on.

Lucky for you, because one second later she teleports in, right in front of you.

“BOO” she screams. You yelp and jump back. “COURTNEY, I could have been NAKED!”

She cackles “BAHSJDKCMCM YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE TERROR ON YOUR FACE MORTAL!”

You blush and mess with your hands. “Dont laugh! And, don’t blame me if you teleport in when I AM naked” You squeak.

They inhale ,and lets out a little laugh before wiping fake tears. “Yeaaa yeaaa. Your so jumpy, it’s hilarious.” You give her a tight smile. “So uh, what’s up?”

She shrugs and wanders around the room, staring at all the pride decorations on your walls.

“Was bored. The other mortals are all busy with their dumb human stuff, and Your never doing anythingg.” She rolls her eyes.

You panic as she looks at your walls.

“-fuck what if she figures it out?! She’s a demon, I don’t know if they have this stuff, but what if they kick me out! No she wouldn’t, she supported Barney. But, What if-“

Your thoughts are once again Interrupted as you feel a pull on your sweater sleeve.

You panic and look down. Courtney is staring at your sweater. “Why do you always wear stuff like this, like, I don’t mind being hot, but doesn’t it hurt you humans or something?”

You chuckle nervously and attempt to pull it away. “Oh uh, it’s nothing! I’m just uh, cold.”

She raises an eyebrow, keeping her grip on you. “Mortal, your sweating, you look like you stepped into the fires of hell.”

Your smile gets more forced. “I’m fine.”

They scoff and try’s to yank it off. “I dont want you dying mortal, I like your dumb company.”

Your panic shows in your voice. “Courtney st-stop!”

She suddenly tackles you onto the bed ,and you thump against the mattress. “-Damn she’s strong for being probably 3 ft tall, oh sheS oN mE, oH my, what if I look bad from this angle, AaA-“ you thought. You then notice she’s been very quiet, so you look up at her.

She’s staring at your exposed arm covered in bloody gauze, FUCK.

You try to pull it back up but they stop you.She looks stuck in her words, possibly trying to find a way to be nice.

“Y/n what’s this??”

“-She called me by my name, oh no oh no, I’m in trouble, she’s gonna kick me out , oh god-“

“Y/n.” She speaks slowly, “ who did this, do I need to drag someone?”

She makes eye contact with you, genuine worry in her eyes. You crumble at her expression, and tear up, then attempt to avoid her gaze. “I-its nothing..” you stutter with a shaky voice. “I-I’m fine.”

“That’s bullshit. What happened?! Who hurt you?! I swear I’ll fucking tear them limb from limb AND EAT THEIR E-“

You cut her off. “I DID.” You look at her.

They look back with a shocked and confused expression. “You? Why would you do that? Is it the other one too?”Before you can react she pulls the other sleeve up. “It IS, y/n what the hell is this? I wanna see” “WAIT-“ Before you can stop them, courtney yanks off the bandages from an arm, and stares at it. “Woahh, that’s kinda sick”

You freeze. “Your not… disgusted?”

Courtney scoffs. “What? Why would I be mortal, it’s like battle scars! Kinda like you fought something straight from hell!”

You blink, them smile a bit. “Yea… I guess so.”

Courtney wraps it back up and gets off you. “Though I did hear humans inflict pain for negative reasons, which is kinda difficult to understand.” She lets out a small laugh while snorting.

You sit up and pull down your sleeves. “Well, it’s how iv always dealt with, things…like, being anxious or… getting kicked out of my home…”

Courtney looks at you with a raised eyebrow. “Why DID you get kicked out? You never told me.” Courtney then looks down. “Not like I’m desperate to know or anything!”

You inhale. “Promise, you won’t, hate me?”

Courtney scoffs. “You act like you committed a crime, which I would NEVER hate.” They wiggle their eyebrows at you.

You let out a small laugh. “Ok well uh……, I’m, bi.”

Courtney let’s put a laugh. “Really?! That’s why your were shivering in your boots to tell me?” She snorts. “It was kinda obvious.” They motion to all your pride stuff.

“Oh” you blush. “Right, I should have figured. Heh…I was just scared, I….” You look away. “I really like you Courtney.”

After a few moments of silence ,you get scared ,and turn to face her. “Co-“ your cut off by Courtney’s nose touching yours. You squeak.

“You like me mortal?” Courtney says, attempting to be cocky, but her blush is VERY visible.

“Er….” You blush harder “y-yes, I uh, I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same! I-I shouldn’t have said anything, of course I shouldn’t have I’m-“

Your cut off with Courtney grabbing you face ,and kissing you.

You freeze, then kiss back, melting into them.

Courtney pulls away after a few moments ,and you take a breath.

Courtney snorts. “You worry too much mortal. But I’m sure I can help with that, along with the battle scars. What do yah say, partner.” Courtney wiggles her eyebrows.

You smile. “I say yes, partner.”

————————————————————

Idk how too feel abt this one, but I tried my best?😅 hope you like it ^^

#courtney dead end paranormal park #courtney paranormal park #dead end paranormal park #courtney dead end #courtney x reader dead end #courtney x reader dead end paranormal park #courtney x reader paranormal park #courtney #dead end courtney #i’m a simp #x y/n #Courtney

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rin-and-jade · 10 months

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Heya. Just wanted to see if you have any advice for a polyfragmented system really struggling with feeling fake bc of splitting a lot of alters at once? Pur host is so super distressed because he feels Like we are subconsciously faking DID or twisting symptoms of another health issue to fit being a system.

Some encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.

--wildwood and co

Well, im going to say that everyone don’t have the same tolerance in handling stress (usually the cause of splits and whatnot) and that makes perfect sense because everyone has their own little spectrum, which includes you. Be it a person who is at the lowest spectrum possible, the middle, or the highest,, people who have yet tried to accept the way it is tend to say things like “it’s not bad enough” or “it feels bad enough that it looks fake because I don’t think it works that way” with no end.

Trying to justify by saying it’s fake, it’s not bad, it’s something else,, might make you end up a bit worser than where you had started because this feeling you have in your gut that just doesn’t sit right with all of those doubts and people’s experiences is still in there scuffing you in and out. Convincing ourselves that we’re faking an illness also doesn’t make the illness go away because if we really ARE faking it would’ve just went away.. as we wished. And that’s what is keeping us in a spiral.

Now i know this doesn’t feel like a positive encouragement but nevertheless im trying to say what’s the truth in the best way, minimum sugar coating, straight to the point and got some good answers. Some people don’t like it covered in glitter especially me, but people do like advices unlike something that’s taken out of google, so im writing three steps for you here;

Acceptance: first off, most important, try to stop denying it (thinking its fake) and see what happens. It feels bad for a moment, but it makes you a bit free doesn’t it? Let me tell you mine: i kept convincing myself i am all fine, all good, im a good person im not bad,, those things and the next second it contradicts itself every 5 fucking seconds. Because everyone isn’t immune to problems, neither about not percieved as a bitch in someone’s eyes because there’s always those people who hates peaches even if you taste the best. And when i started telling myself i have some bad parts it feels like seeing in a new perspective of the situation.

2. Grey thinking: acceptance is the first step to eliminating most of the problems we have be it denial and whatnot. But if you still think in extremities that will push you down the hole hard, we need to comprehend the middle area, again using my anecdote before where i scale myself either “bad” and “good”,, that seem so hard to comprehend and categorize the real perspective so by having the middle, as “i am good because i care about people and im also bad because i tend to be selfish” really puts me on a sweet spot where i don’t get distressed and tunnel vision. Now we are closer to being healthier in thinking.

3. Profit!: once we got the self acceptance and grey thinking down, we got ourselves an easy way to prevent another relapse of thoughts (the “oh god am i faking?!”). This is where people can have a better time using their mental capacity for healing the damaging mindset or learning how to cope better (splitting less) and i call that a win. Last advice is that we should never give this monster the food it wants (your negative thoughts to spiral down) so sometimes we can just ignore it, what gives,, im a bad person? Probably in a temporary moment all good. And it’ll actually go away by itself, with every thoughts easier to handle.

With a decent amount of practice, this shall no longer be a problem, so go get ‘em tiger.

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did system #did osdd #dissociative identity disorder #plural #system stuff #sysblr #janswersask

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