#oh yeah and also i'm scared that makes me a Fake Genderqueer but i know that's dumb so let's ignore it

[politicalautist-blog]

hey yo it’s time for GENDER REFLECTIONS AND WHY I HATE WOMANHOOD by me, a fucking internalised-misogyny-ridden weirdo

So, background: this is not a new thing for me. I now identify as genderqueer and have done for years, and it’s helped me a whole bunch with getting over my internalised misogyny, but for several years I’ve been aware that there are two distinct threads to my genderqueerness:

1. wtf is a gender can i eat it (the side I am open about and constantly scream about)

2. being a woman terrifies me. I still think if I was born with a dick, I would just have been like “yeah whatever I’m a guy” regardless of point 1, because hey, it doesn’t matter. But being a girl sucks and is horrible and girl things terrify me and I don’t want to deal with them.

And it’s definitely point 2 I’m wanting to ramble about now, because it’s only in the last few years that I’ve let myself recognise that as a factor, and I’m still untangling it and trying to face up to why that’s the case and how it affects me.

Disclaimer: I don’t hate women, and I don’t hate feminine things. I used to, but actually, being able to separate myself from womanhood has let me not hate other people for being associated with it. At this point in my life, I love women, and as long as I don’t have to conform to them, I can recognise and appreciate the value of Woman Things (like makeup or pretty clothes or gentleness or emotions).

But they still kind of fill me with creeping dread, and I still can’t manage them as applied to me.

And it’s occurred to me today, while ranting about fanfic to @darael, part of why that is.

Like, I already knew that it was tied to fiction and narrative conditioning. I knew I grew up with books (and films, TV, etc., but this is me, so mostly books) from genres like sci-fi and fantasy and crime fiction which, especially in the older books I grew up on, are known for constantly devaluing femininity and feminine traits. I also know that’s a trend throughout society, that feminine things are lesser and weak and whatnot. I knew I bought into it wholeheartedly as a kid, because I desperately needed to be better than you and also to be validated in my tomboyishness. I sought out female characters as a kid, but I always sought out warrior women. I hated the end of Éowyn’s story because she got all soppy and hung up her sword. (fun fact: that is now the most powerful part of the story to me as an adult, because fuck, it’s not about gender, is it, it’s about the experience of war and trauma of violence... OFF TOPIC WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT PACIFIST THEMES IN TOLKIEN)

But just now I’ve been thinking that it goes deeper. I modelled myself specifically after those shieldmaiden and warrior-woman characters, because it was the way I most often saw “girl who doesn’t align with social gender norms” in fiction, certainly the most often way where that’s represented as a positive.

And, Jesus, so many of those characters hate women. “Not Like Other Girls” is a fucking plague in fiction. So, yeah, that’s a spinoff of the first thing, where womanhood and femininity is Bad and Weak and Poor, but...

...but that’s where I learnt to be a person. That, specifically.

No wonder I took the “feminine bad” message on board quite so strongly. It’s not just that femininity was a narrative I didn’t fit into, or even that I desperately wanted vindication that I was doing the right thing breaking out of that narrative (although in hindsight, I really did) - the narrative I took on board for myself to replace it is fundamentally built on rejection of the feminine in like... 90% of cases.

(it’s also fundamentally built on being sporty and physically violent, which also does not fit me, an actual couch potato, but again, that’s a digression)

I want to bring it back to Éowyn, aka “Jormy’s First Love And Also Role Model”, because one thing I’ve reflected on is that she doesn’t fit that pattern, at least not in the books. She cares about women, protects women, values women’s work, while also feeling that it isn’t her calling. She’s not perfect in that regard, but it’s very clear to me on an adult reading that Éowyn is not misogynistic in her rejection of traditional femininity.

And that was completely fucking stripped out in the films. Like, suddenly Éowyn can’t cook (at least in the extended editions), shows no signs of feminine manners or behaviour or political understanding, and never aligns herself with the women of Rohan the way she does in the books. They “Not Like Other Girls”-ed the original fantasy Not Like Other Girls. 

So I guess, insofar as there’s a point to this beyond rambling out my Gender Thoughts, the point of this post is: are we getting worse at this? Is it just a few shitty adaptational choices (I note that Game of Thrones did the same to the nth degree with both Arya and Brienne, quite aside from shitting all over Sansa and Cat, but GoT is just all-around misogynistic trash so maybe not a valid data point?), is it a reactionary response to the rise of more feminist fantasy/specfic, or do I just think it’s getting worse because I’m more conscious of it?

Also, how the fuck do I fix this? I don’t want to hate Woman Things. I want to be able to mess about with makeup or dresses or responding to things with emotional vulnerability once in a while, without on some level feeling like I’m betraying myself - the narrative of myself I’ve taken on. I really don’t want to hold onto any hatred of women and girls and their embracing of their gender - or to be uncomfortable with femininity from anyone, especially when so much of the feminine narrative in this context is stuff we need more of in our society.

I wonder if it’s possible, or ever will be possible, for me to be identified as a girl without feeling that misogyny crawling back in. It’s not even that I want to be a girl (again, what is a gender, can you eat it) - but is there a version of me that could be a girl without hating Girl Things? Is there any dominant narrative of gender-nonconforming womanhood that doesn’t require either misogyny or lesbianism? (no shade to lesbians, I just am very aware that I’m... not solely into women, and nor are a lot of gnc women, so being told your options are “hate women or have sex with only women” only exacerbates matters when you KNOW you’re equally or more attracted to dudes)

i want there to be a punchy point to this post but like

there isn’t one

gender’s weird and society’s a mess and the stories we tell each other shape the way we treat each other and also i’m fucked up in my relationships with womanhood the end

#oh yeah and also i'm scared that makes me a Fake Genderqueer but i know that's dumb so let's ignore it #gender #gender politics #narratives #now is as good a time as any to say that i want to punch the producers of game of thrones in their dicks and this is a big reason why #grrm is not great at writing women non-creepily and yet he looks like a feminist icon next to the tv version of his characters #i don't know why this post exists #and i am now into the stage of feeling like i'm going to hurt The Cause by posting it #bc like isn't this what terfs constantly accuse enbies and trans men of? only being trans because of internalised misogyny? #i relate to girly-girls with such a weird mix of scorn and envy #because part of me really wishes i could wear makeup and dresses and fuck about with long hair and nails #and unselfconsciously enjoy romance novels or chicklit or other genres aggressively marketed to women #and i just cAN'T DO THAT #i don't even mean 'won't' i mean that doing any of those things without a thick veneer of irony gives me the creeping shivers #to the point where i don't even know if i want to do any of those things or just want to be able to want to? #idk there are a lot of Feelings here apparently #the point is EOWYN IS STILL THE QUEEN OF MY WORLD AND IF YOU DISRESPECT HER I'LL KICK YOUR ASS #I'LL KICK ANYONE'S ASS #I'LL KICK MY OWN ASS #although in fairness i do that last one on a daily basis anyway

[realtransfacts]

I'm afab, and I honestly don't know what my gender is (questioning atm, probably genderqueer or nb or something) and is it weird to feel like I'm probably faking it? or like I'm probably just attention hungry/that being pan just wasn't 'enough' for me? I don't feel much body dysphoria, and she/her/being called 'girl' feels... wrong most of the time, but I'm scared I'm just overreacting. I'm also a minor in a not-very-inclusive school, and I'm scared about asking queer friend for pronoun (1/2)

(2/2) experiments because what if it’s not the same? what if they think ‘oh, it’s a different [name] because they’re using they/them!’ or if they use new pronouns around transphobic friends? I don’t know, it’s just like.. a lot of my friends are queer, but only 1 (who lives out of town) is trans and i don’t know how they’d react? or if they’d react badly? or if I’m faking it? i. uh. sorry, I’m just kind of anxious and confused and yeah. sorry if this got jumbled or confusing, thanks for listenin

These feelings of self-doubt are fairly common, yes. Which sucks. But it might help to think this way: a faker is someone who is choosing to pretend to be something that they’re not. They know that they are faking it, they are making a conscious decision to fake it. So the fact that you’re worrying about that you might be faking it? That alone is proof that you aren’t faking it.

It’s more or less impossible to tell in advance how someone will react to you coming out or asking them to help you try out new pronouns etc. Sometimes people react the way you thought they would, sometimes don’t - people you thought would be assholes might turn out supportive as all heck and vice versa.

If they are queer, I’d say there is a bigger chance that they’ll be supportive and understanding though, since they will have gone through a similar thing themself.

And if they are, then you could specify “hey, please don’t use these pronouns around x/y/z person” or “hey, please only use these pronouns around a/b/c person”. Or something similar. That way you can help them stop themself from accidentally outing you to someone you don’t want to be out to.

#Anonymous

[phynali]

hey! just saw your post on nb aesthetic esp your tags abt you having long "non-visibly-queer" hair & idk if you remember this or not but I do bc it was super helpful/positive for me to see it - I sent you an ask awhile ago abt you being queer&genderqueer and talking abt your husband/you guys being happy and see you say this is p much the same feeling - I'm p sure I’m nb?but also ppl have said I’m obvs not bc (among other things) I have long hair not a “queer” haircut so I must be fake & (1/2)

(2/2) sometimes I feel like I am fake but so seeing that post in general was nice but also seeing your comment was rly, rly, rly nice & I can’t really articulate how ! it was to see you say that you’ve got long hair too and are still nb & it feels weird to thank you for just talking about your existence? but. it really is incredibly helpful to see that so - thank you.

hey

thanks for sending this message. it was actually really affirming for me? just the reminder that i’m not alone with feelings like this.

i’m so sorry that people have tried to tell you that you’re not not nb because you don’t have the right ~aesthetic~. it’s honestly such bullshit. there is no one ‘right’ way to “look” nonbinary. you can dress in skirts and dresses and do your makeup up to the nines with long flowing hair and still identify as nonbinary, as a woman, or as a man. presentation =/= identity. same with the opposite. you can crop your hair short and wear men’s cut clothes and zero makeup and still identify as nonbinary, as a man, or as a woman. the clothes on our backs and the cuts of our hair don’t define who we are inside.

and heck, i admire the people with awesome haircuts that are protypically or aggressively queer. i love those styles, i really do. i even envy them sometimes, and part of me definitely has daydreamed about getting a cut like that more than once. but there’s a level of visibility that comes along with it (and i’m self-conscious to begin with) and because i am married (to a man), most people who’ve met me will probably not even pick up on the message about my identity anyway. so who am i getting the cut for? myself? or strangers on the internet to put the rubber stamp of approval next to my gender identity? 

and i struggle with the hair thing in part because i’ve tried to do the short hair and it looked like crap (i.e., it made me look younger and childish at a time when i was aiming for the opposite, and most stylists i went to for short haircuts weren’t giving me a queer look so much as giving me a short haircut that was ‘in’ at the time but distinctly for women?). i also hate the upkeep on short hair because it grows so fast and no way am i willing to go for a cut more often than i do now. kudos to all the people out there who can upkeep short hair. 

i also grew up with my father and older brother having long hair for most of my childhood, and my mother shaved all her hair off one year and then had short hair for about 5 years, so i don’t inherently associate short hair = masculine and long hair = feminine. i’m actually typically attracted to long hair on guys? and them having long hair doesn’t detract from their masculinity, so i try not to let myself get too worried about my own long hair. 

anyway, all this is to say that i recently realized i’ve got insecurities about the length of my hair with respect to my gender identity, maybe because the past few years have been the first time in my life where i actually like my hair and don’t want to change it, but that means accepting and dealing with any hang-ups i have about it as it is now. it fits how i want to see myself, even if the rest of the world makes their own misguided assumptions about me because of it.

but back to you.

if someone ever tries to tell you that you aren’t nonbinary (esp. over something as ridiculous as the length of your hair), they’re an asshole, full stop. they don’t know your gender identity better than you. and if they purport to tell you they know your gender and you don’t, they’re an asshole, and nbphobic (exorsexist? idk the right terms, honestly).

it’s happened to me. more than once. but this one time in particular, i came out as genderqueer to a friend (an ex) and the first words out of his mouth, honestly just an automatic knee-jerk reaction so fast, were “no. you’re not.” and i just. i was flabbergasted. because how dare this dude dare tell me what i am and am not? as if he knows my gender identity better than i do? so i said “yes. i am.” and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and i said i always had been and finally found the word to describe it and he said “okay” and that was that. 

other people don’t know your experiences better than you. other people don’t get to pick your labels for you. i’ve had people try to tell me i should id has genderfluid instead of genderqueer and i just… rolled my eyes. like no, thanks for trying to fit me into a term that makes you more comfortable, but i’ll define my identity as i experience it.

you’re not fake. you don’t have to look or act a certain way to know that you’re nonbinary. 

i have days where i struggle with wondering if i’m faking it still, even though i’ve been defining my identity this way for over 6 years now, literally ever since the first time i discovered words for nonbinary identities and had that lightbulb moment of “oh. that’s it. that’s what i’ve been missing my entire life.” i struggle even though i look back and know my whole life till now, this is who i am. it fluctuates and varies a bit, yeah, but this is my truth. it’s always been my truth. even if the rest of the world has missed it (and honestly, not all of them did miss it, they just didn’t have language for it either, and a lot of people just want to put their heads in the sand when it comes to this stuff).

and i don’t bind and some days i wish i did. i’m a coward and i’m scared to buy a binder, but i secretly really want one. i don’t have a short or obviously queer haircut and i feel like the world will think i’m hiding and not queer enough when really i just happen to like my current style. i’m short as fuck and my voice is high like a chipmunk. so if anyone looks at or talks to me, they code me as a woman and there’s honestly nothing short of taking hormones i can ever do to change that, based on my body-type and characteristics. and that’s just part of my reality.

so i’m working on being satisfied with knowing my own self. with talking to friends and family when i feel comfortable enough to, and making sure they understand my identity and respect it. with living my gender identity and actualizing my masculinity in ways that feel affirming to me instead of ways that make me feel like i’m silly or trying too hard. 

and that’s my general advice here: do what makes you feel right and good. do the things that make you feel like you fit in your own skin, if you can. affirm yourself that your experiences are valid. that your truth is real. doubt is normal, and it’s okay, and i experience it too. but your truth is your own, and everyone else can get bent.

#nonbinary #genderqueer #about me #personal post #i could talk about being nonbinary for days on end #figuring out my identity in the absence of having words to describe it in my teens? #was a mess. #so no matter how feminine i present now #people can pry my language and gender identity from my cold dead hands #gender #whoops i rambled #Anonymous #replies