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I wish I was taught how to be modest. Lately I’ve been feeling this urge to throw out like two thirds of my closet and replace it with more respectable clothes, but I’m not really in a position financially where I can just buy back everything I’ve thrown out. My family’s attitude was always that a woman’s body is “shameful” and “bad” and somehow inherently sexual, and thus modesty was important so men wouldn’t be tempted by us, but I was never taught… how to be modest in my dress? Because there was also pressure to be attractive to men. And so when I was in like middle school and I recognized the toxicity of my family’s mindset that made it all the easier to go out if my way to separate myself from my family by wearing immodest clothes. I’m just. Ugh. Thinking about my family and how they affected my decisions growing up and how much I wish the adults in my family had like… Idk. Guided me through the biblical values they allegedly found so important.

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sometimes i’ll see a cute guy and think “huh.. maybe i do like guys” but then i realize that i just like how expressive his face is and if he tried to kiss me i would Disintegrate

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A pair of magpies just walked up to the doorstep, made noise at me and walked away. One of them stopped though and turned back to the door, made another noise at me then walked away again.

It feels like i have just been lectured by my grandparents.

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A conversation with my sadness, 04/04/2020 12:25AM EST


Wow, hello overwhelming sadness out of the blue. Nice to see you again. Oh, you’re surprised? That’s funny; you’re an old friend. I almost miss you, sometimes. Especially when it feels like you’re the only one who will hold my hand or touch my cheek.


So, what brought you back? Was it the lack of real human contact? I doubt it; I’ve always been a loner. I’m used to that, too. Was it the fact that I’ve been thinking too much, unable to get a prescription for the medicine that’s supposed to keep you away?


Oh, I know you don’t like those pills. You still visit sometimes in spite of them, and honestly, I feel stranger without you around, truth be told. But I’m told it’s good for me, not to have despair laying around all the time.


Maybe it’s an issue of self-worth. Maybe you’re here because lately, all I can think about is how much more alone I am than everyone else I know. Every friend, every family member, every coworker and acquaintance. Even most of my clients from work are married, or at least living with their partner. And knowing, feeling, letting it gnaw at me in my heart of hearts, lapping voraciously at the ther of my soul, the fact that… Nobody loves me back the way I love them. Not the same kind of love, unless it’s my family. But even there, the breadth and scope of their love for me is nowhere near the magnitude of mine for them. My friends? To them, I am.. At beast, inconvenient, and at worst, a terrible cancer they’d rather have excised from their life.


Maybe it’s me, myself. I try to lose weight, and somehow gain 20 lbs while not looking any fatter. I’m too masculine to really be considered handsome, in that I’m also broad and stocky with very heavy features. I’m nobody’s version of an ideal man. I’m not pretty enough to be a femme, I’m not handsome like a man traditionally is, and even if I got into better shape I’d still be broad, and barrel-chested, and still have heavy facial features. Can’t grow a proper beard because of low testosterone, but at least I’m relatively calm and I’ll never go bald, right? Thing is, beards are in. And some people like bald guys. And everyone in general finds a certain dramatic v-shaped torso more attractive on men.. Nobody likes the stocky one. And yet, here I am, still wishing that one of those beautiful young women from here or Instagram, or cute femme guy, or a nonbinary hottie would look at me and not be repulsed and decide to look past the surface… The thing is, “love st first sight” isn’t real. Infatuation at first sight would be. But I’m not even ugly enough to attract a fetishist with a thing for messed up faces, like that one girl I met a while back. I am that most criminally sinful of things… Unremarkable and forgettable.


Hey, hey, lift your chin up. It’s not your fault, sadness. Like me, you weren’t asking to be born. It’s okay. You have the right to exist.. I just think maybe you and I occupy the same space too much. And I’m sorry, but I want to be more independent from you. I don’t want to think these things. I want to see that they’re false. It’s… Hard. I know, I don’t have any proof that you’re wrong about me; we’ve gone through that multiple times.


But, here’s the thing.. You’ve lived in my head, my home, and my heart rent-free for nearly twenty years now. Don’t get me wrong; like I said, I feel weirder without you. But it’s time you left home. I need you to leave home. You can come back to visit now and then, like when I need to cry to relieve stress, or the next time I have a breakup, if I ever have another relationship in the first place; but I really don’t need to see you so often.


I know you tell me these things to wall me off, to “keep me safe”, and I get that. Avoiding the pain of being shot down or forgotten about or left for someone else.. It’s smart. Until you realize you’re hemorrhaging on the inside emotionally. That hurts more, and takes longer to heal. And I need the best jump start I can get on that. Thank you.. But it’s okay.


I know I’m not handsome. I know nobody will love me back like I love them. I know it’s stressful not being able to leave this condo that used to be my home, or being able to get my meds. I know.


But I’m trying to change that perception, from “I know” to “Well maybe not, actually.”

So.. Thank you. For being the only one keeping me company, and trying to keep me safe… But it’s over. No more couchsurfing in my brain, sadness.


When I see you tomorrow, you better be on your way out for now. Goodnight.

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I have decided to not have opinions anymore. I will now be living in a secluded forest, if you need me put some acorns in your enemy’s skull and shake it

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elnorsText

I’m a Romulan honorary warrior nun that has never seen a cat. My husband is a gay ex-Borg that is currently the director of the borg reclamation project on the Artifact. Our budget is 5 million. Welcome to house hunters.

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