#ok yeah below is dumb shit read at ur own discretion

[neige-leblanche]

alright beloveds i think i might change my url soon; i still adore t/gcf especially many of the minor/supporting characters and dont plan to wholly stop reblogging it any time soon but if with the advent of the live action the fandom becomes anything like the m/dzs fandom did, theres probably going to be a ton less t/gcf stuff here and more of the same video game fandom reblogs that ive been doing

#txt #its been. really fun having this url ngl. i get that hes kind of a hated character but hes a personal one to me and it makes me happy see- #-ing it as my name on here #one time i commented something jokey on a post in a public tag and op replied LORD WATER MASTER??? it was great #anyway once the untamed came out，ppl started tagging their regular mdzs stuff with untamed tags，which i have blocked #so opening a post is like russian roulette just bc the op wanted some visibility #hence the decrease in reblogging about what used to be my absolute hugest interest #tmi area but luckily xl + hc arent as personal to me as lwj + wwx were; its mainly quanyin that i Dont wanna see actual people playing #ok yeah below is dumb shit read at ur own discretion///////////// #anyway yeah. i HATE the casting of lwj in the untamed. like hes way too pretty and i get that lwj is supposed to have refined beauty but hes #cool and strong as well #which is fine. idrc quite so much as the fact that x/iao zhan as wei ying was the PERFECT casting he looks just like him #i cant deny this fact; but wei ying was such an important character to me and they casted him so well that i feel like he doesnt belong- #-fully to me anymore but also to the drama team and actor #ive always been this way with books like i could never get fully into the harry potter fandom as a kid bc whenever i would look up stuff #online about the series，content of the movies would always be staring me in the face #but like yeah. theres no way they could cast qyz correctly at all. you just cant capture that esp not with modern day cdrama trends #ik a lot of my friends felt that way about xl + hc so i feel for them #and yy like. hes described so specifically but bc its a prettyboy drama theyre gonna make him hot when hes canonically not #anyway yeah im more worried for the tumblr experience nowadays bc i can block however many tags i want but some idiots are always gonna not #tag their shit #in conclusion if anyones reading this this is absolutely NOT pressure to agree with me; its all my own personal feelings #you can rb it as much as you want as long as its tagged i wont even feel disdainful; i promise its a Me Thing so please dont take this as an #-​attack if you plan on watching and liking it #but yeah i am. not gonna watch it and not gonna like what i see about it. #ive had a really good run with this url. im happy to have been a tgcf fan during the past couple years; ive made some wonderful memories and #-awesome mutuals #but yeah idk if im gonna be Tumblr User S/hi Wudu for much longer #mwah thank u guys for following me

[rookiewithachance]

ok you know what this is getting its own post so tumblr doesnt delete half my tags and therefor half the shit i have to say about this like it did with the first version of this post

personal shit below the cut—nothing bad or graphic or triggering (unless you count minor gender dysphoria and parents not getting it...) just me ranting about my parents and the gender identity crisis im going through right now.... so read at your own discretion 

i knOW that this isn’t like a special or new issue.... this shit happens to lots of people, where they’re going through gender identity crises or what have you, and when they talk to their parents about it the parents just don’t fuckin get it. they’re not even like angry about it they just actively don’t understand, and they do it in a semi harmful way.

but listen okay l i s t e n

if i have to listen to my mom say “but why do you need to label it, why can’t you just be you” one more time im gonna mcfuckin lose it ok

she means well i know she does and she and my dad are from a very different time where labels were considered Bad but listen ma, i love you but a) why does what i choose to call myself bother you so damn much especially when you can see that im upset about it when i brought it up, and b) this??? IS me being myself????? that is exACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING RN im trying!! to figure out who or what myself is!!! but thank you!!!!! for adding to my doubt and feeding the voice in my head that tells me that i’m just making shit up and that i’m taking away from the people who are actually going through gender stuff and that im just overthinking myself..................... because lowkey it feels like thats what im doing. and i know i kNOW that that’s probably not true because that’s exactly what i did with mental illness and boom would you look at that, and my mental health is probably affecting this as well, but...... mER

i dont even know if i can CALL this gender dysphoria... idk like that phrase carries such weight to me and this doesnt feel like its... at that level?? i dont feel like i was born into the wrong body or that i need to transition in any way bc to me my genitals dont have to define my gender. like look ok fuckin listen i have a fuckin vulva and a vagina and mammaries’r’w/e and shit but that doesnt have to mean im a girl. i dont need a dick to be masculine, just like i dont have to have a vulva to be feminine. which side tangent why do i even care masculinity and femininity are both social constructs and are complete bullshit in my opinion so whY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER TO ME??? @my brain what the actual fuck why are you like this

anyways

its not even like.... being referred to as female is what bothers me. i don’t mind she/her pronouns, i dont really care about what pronouns people use for me, but it’s just................. when someone uses female-coded or even male-coded language in reference towards me. things that started as gendered but became more neutral like dude or babe and other shit dont bother me its just...... like listen every time one of my parents calls me baby girl it lowkey actually makes me want to cry, and i dont know why i just feel so shitty being called that

i also just sometimes.... feel more masculine or more feminine than other times and wanna present differently. like im considering looking into getting a binder because i really feel like that would help with the presentation stuff but also!!! theres that doubt again!!!!! ahahahahaha silly kelli ur not trans binders arent For You and if you buy them that’s appropriation or something, either way its bad and you should feel shitty for considering it :)

is this like................ idk, is this genderfluid???? is that what this is??????? idk idk ive just been saying gender nonconforming bc that covers the gist of it and lets me sort my shit out without the pressure of needing to “””stay true””” to whatever label or thing i use..... again, another irrational anxiety but h e y thats me for ya

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is getting long but heres the thing: i love my parents. i really fucking do. they have their shortcomings of course because being the perfect parent is literally impossible, but all in all im pretty fortunate to have such loving parents. but theyre just. theyre a lot right now. i get it okay i do, they miss me and theyre going through separation stuff and they feel like theyre losing me or whatever but like...... i dont........ want to video chat every night, like we did my freshman year. i needed that then, and what i need now is...... space. some space to figure out how to be a singular entity doing shit for myself and having time to be alone with my thoughts yknow. my mental health is in the goddamn sewers and i havent been sleeping as well as i should be and im feeling overwhelmed with schoolwork and clubs and then of course all this gender stuff started happening :) so yeah sorry if im not very talkative when you chat with me every single night. i dont have much to talk about, and the stuff you guys talk about???? sorry but.... i dont really care. its shitty to say but i just. i dont. i love you guys but i have better shit to be doing than talking about who you saw in the coffeeshop this morning or what happened at work

and see, normally i would talk to them about this. but i just... dont think that would do anyone any good. they wont understand it, and then when i explain it theyre just gonna feel dumb, and theyre gonna forget and slip up and never remember and then just go around feeling guilty about it without ever changing their language...... and their guilt is gonna make me feel like shit too. so whats even the point of telling them about it?? of getting them to actually sit down and listen instead of bringing it up in the middle of sobbing my way through my woes and my parents asking me well meant but upsetting questions and then moving on as if nothing happened 

sigh........... idk. thats about it i guess. congrats if you got this far, im sending you digital hugs. words of support are of course appreciated but not at all necessary, i aint fishin for anything im just here to lay it all out in one place. hopefully i get some of all this mess sorted out. if i had more money id just go ahead and buy a binder but im a bit strapped for cash. not broke per se but i have very limited funds and those have to carry me through the entire semester, so....... trying not to make any unnecessary purchases and my brain refuses to justify a binder as something worth the money.......... which again, is probably not true, but.... we’ll see.

much love to you all, im gonna head to bed and try to sleep cause i got class in the morning and i still havent finished the readings ;3

#personal #about me #long post #//fingerguns #im not really looking for answers or anything i just needed to put it all down in one place and idk why else do i have a blog than to #send my thoughts spiraling into the endless void of the unforgiving internet to be lost to obscurity #//flails limbs #im tired #night yall